S2 Ep. 20 - I Brought You My Catbus, You Brought Me Your Love
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It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Look, if there was some punk, some teen girl challenging you for your spot as the leader of the Black Parade, would you let her challenge you and win and become the leader? Or would you destroy her lyrically, rhythmically, rhymeically, emotionally? I'm going to do that one instead. Yo, my name is Rasputin and I'm here to say I'm never going to throw my shot away. Just like Alexander Hamilton.

So here's all the ways that I'm super sad.

I never feel happy because happiness is bad. Feelings of joy? Bro, that's just a fad. I skip those emotions and hey, I'm kind of glad. Now, I'm not glad enough to overcome depression. I can't believe you're even asking me that question. That means that I'm qualified as heck. So let me finish. One second. Ten seconds. Four seconds. Five.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. A pulse-pounding Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four teens. The podcast equivalent of a page-turner. That's true. Wow. What is a page-turner for a podcast? An episode skipper. An ad skipper. An ad skipper.

It's a real ad skipper. Ad skipper. Ad skipper 2x time listener. Dungeons and Dragons actually is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. This season is at least. Four teens from our world sent into our world back again to save it from their dads. From our world. From our world. From a Cthulhu monster. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Not that one. The one who... You're like, that will? It's turning my catchphrase.

Not that one. So the ranger teen of main character of the group who is good with the sword and great with the lady. Are we letting him get away with this? What is going on? What's happening? I can do whatever I want. You know what I'm saying? So can you, by the way. That's what improv is, baby. Teen fact.

Taylor, growing up, was a fan, I think like many of us were, of the Berenstain Bears book. And also, by the way, grew up with it spelled E-I-N. That was the doodle of the world. Did that get resolved when the world switched? Did that singularity finally collapse? Is it Berenstain or Berenstain in the Forgotten Realms? If you find a library, you'll find out.

That's how the best in the biz does it, baby. His favorite of the Berenstain Bears books was the one where they get addicted to junk food. Will and I have talked about this. This is our favorite one, too. It's my favorite one as well. Freddie and I read it together all the time. Because the candy looks amazing. Oh, that's a good tweet. It's like, step aside, Studio Ghibli food accounts. Step aside for the fucking OG king. The Berenstain Bears have too much junk food. I fucking dare you to tweet

that. I will. I will. Start a war. I'm going to get an engagement, Beth, and you're going to be so jealous. I really don't think I will. I don't think so either. You don't think I'm looking at this, Bob? I've never heard of a studio. I'm looking at this cover, and these kids are pounding down yums, like Y-U-M-M-S. There's something called Sweet Pops that looks like cotton candy, but also a gummy bear. Dude, it looks good. It looks good. That's all I'm saying. How many followers can possibly be following Studio Ghibli food accounts? Oh, damn. I'm just saying, oh.

Matthew. Are you done? I'm done. Get the fuck out. Damn. I'm just making sure because you're on the computer. I don't want to stop if you're about to research something. Listen, here's what I'm going to do. You do your fucking bullshit team fact. I'm going to fucking drop the tweet of the century and then we'll see. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled at home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of this group.

Little teen fact, rad fact about Lincoln. I felt like this was a good time to finally just get this out there on the main podcast because I'm asked this question all the time. So Lincoln's name. Lincoln is not named after Lincoln, the dog that Grant lost. They agreed that Marco would name the first kid and Lincoln would name the second kid if they have a second kid. So Lincoln's actually named after Marco's favorite character on TV, which is Andrew Lincoln from The Walking Dead. Oh my God.

And they were going to call him Andrew. They were going to call him Andrew. But Grant was like, nah, my last ex is named Andrew. And that's way too awkward. He's like, OK, we'll call him Lincoln. And then Grant was like, that's fine, because he refused to talk about the tragic event of missing his dad. So in very, in very Wilson fashion. His name is Lincoln. That's why it's very Lincoln is the actor's name.

Huh? Isn't Andrew King Lincoln the actor's name? No, I think it's the character's. That's Rick Grimes. Yeah, it's Grimes. So you love the actor. I love the actor. Oh my God.

God. No way. It is. What other words? They couldn't name him Grimes because Grimes became the 40th. That's true. The 57th president of the United States. They went through all these things they couldn't name after The Walking Dead and finally they got to Lincoln and in very Wilson fashion, Grant refused to express his emotions about the drama of losing his dog. He just nodded and said, that's fine. We can call him Lincoln.

So that's why it's called Lincoln. He's named after Andrew Lincoln, the actor of The Walking Dead, the show 40 years ago in this timeline that Mark got it. It was his first crush. 40 years ago, 48 years since it was good. It was his first crush. Yeah. Marko was a big Andrew Lincoln fan. He had a lot of those posters up on his walls. I'm just,

I'm sorry. This is how little I know of Walking Dead. I searched famous Lincolns and Andrew Lincoln was the first one. I was like, oh, that's the character from The Walking Dead. He's got a poster on his wall of him holding the, to me, you were perfect sign from Love Actually. Yes. That's perfect. Yes. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak.

a cool kid who's great with a sword and great with the ladies. That makes two of us. He's a mixed up mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. One way that normal is trying to figure out who he is is by planning out the future of his new mustache. He's been looking up mustache styles. He's still kind of waiting for this thing to grow in a little bit more, but he's thinking like he might want

to go with like a real burt reynolds he looked up an article on men's health about great mustache styles and you know he was like oh maybe like a henry cavill beard stash where like i do the mustache and then a little bit of stubble but then he saw this picture of burt and he was like that's what i want what i want for my life okay so real quick though what era is he in the goatee because you have like smoky and the bandit era or just the stash where the edges kind of like curled

down a little bit. Yeah, like a dirt bag. Handsome dirt bag mustache is what normal is going for. It's not there yet. So he's not shaving? No. He's going full in. The rate that it's growing in about seven years he might have it. Let me ask you this though. Does he have it in him to achieve that?

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, cause some people just can't like my brother can't get to a facial hair. Not a day goes by that normal does not ask himself that very question. That's also his backup plan is a little waxy curly Q handlebar mustache. Does he already have like a mustache brush and all that stuff? Like, no, he's been in the forgotten realm. That's true. That's true.

Be serious. Put that on the shopping list. Put that on the shopping list. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this week is that her favorite word in English is the word ache.

Because it's both a noun and a verb and so closely aligned to the feelings of her soul. Love it. Damn. Is that the closest in terms of a noun and a verb that aligns with her soul? I'm trying to think like what other. No, there's like I was just on a Grammarly website trying to find. And A is near the beginning of the alphabet. So close. Her favorite word is Lincoln. Her favorite word. Is the walk.

Is the Walking Dead. It's season two of The Walking Dead. That's what she feels like every day, just a walking corpse. Damn. Corpse bride. Nice. That's a movie, too. Yeah. Wow, Matt, you with the references, bro. Rent. All right. Wow. I'm Anthony Burcham, your dad. Hey, dad. I think my favorite word is midst, because there's not a lot of DST-like words. Oh, okay, yeah. It's just an odd concept. How do you feel about Daily Savings Time? I don't like it. Oh, interesting, interesting, interesting.

interesting. We say we do it for farmers. Farmers don't need that shit. Farmers, yeah. Have you fucking seen the shit? Like, farmers got so much fucking, they got drones and shit, dude. You think someone with a drone needs to change the time one hour? Like, they're beyond some fucking petty bullshit. They fucking can fly their drones and water their crops with fucking computers and iPads. Shut the fuck up. And they're still like, hey, can we get the sun to come down a little earlier so we can go to bed on time? It's like, what are you talking about?

There's probably more eSports gamers out there than our farmers, right? What are you talking about, Matt? I'm just saying, look, this might be a weird hill to die on. Maybe eSports gamers are more important to society than farmers. No! Is that a weird thing? Oh, yes, that's weird. That's insane. Yeah, no. There are approximately... Maybe that's weird. I guess that's weird. You guys, I'm hearing the feedback. No eSports gamers ever kept me fed unless they were doing a shitty job in the jungle at

That's right. They're feeding my top mains. No, hold on, Matt. There's like five. Okay, hold on.

Google how many farmers are there. Look, that was without a doubt on purpose the stupidest thing I've ever said. Are you saying farmers in the US? That's wild. There are 2.01 million US farmers. Oh yeah, welcome to the concurrent fucking player count on Call of Duty. If you're a farmer, listen to this, don't at me. I don't care. Don't at me from your fucking technological chamber at the front seat of your John Deere as you fly. If you're a farmer, wait for the Looney Tunes like duh.

As the sun rises, yawn all big as your rooster crows, then turn on your drones and send them to Bomb Matt's house.

When we last left the group, you had gone into the city to see the Black Parade. When I was. Scary had successfully managed to convince the Black Parade that she was actually considerably darker and edgier and more in tune with her emotional, dark, depressive side than the current drum major was, leading the Black Parade to beat him to death. If you're a drum major and you're beat to death, is that an ironic death? Yes. All right. Yes. As they were punching him, they were going, am I lagging or am I rushing? Drums. They're like paradiddle this.

Left, right, left, right, right. They would punch him with a left, right, left, right, right. And well, just well, I love it. I love it. There's going to be also doesn't like it. Well, it's just trying to fill the silence with something. So you don't feel too bad. All I know is that there's a couple of musicians out there who got a good hearty.

out of that one. Okay, so the Black Parade has knelt and declared that Scary is their new leader. And what happened to the, you know, we were there to get this tape measure. Yes, the tape measure is still around Vince's waist. Cool, so can I have the tape measure, Vince? Vince, without hesitation, offers to use this. Yes, yes, of course. Now, who are we going to go kill? Oh, uh, kill. Yeah, kill. Probably, like, our inner demons. Ugh.

How would we do that? They're unkillable, right? They're forever. That's the whole point of why we're all miserable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, of course. And then also kill ants. Vince is going to narrow his one-dimensional eyes and do an insight check. And he goes, I don't... I liked that poem. We all liked that poem. It was like, yeah, we really liked that poem. Yeah, I mean, it was from the heart. It was from the heart.

I don't know if you're actually the darkest person in your group. What do you mean I'm not the darkest person? In your group. Taylor wants to verify that. Yeah, she's pretty dark. Vince goes, well, this one seems to be... He has some lightness in himself because he believes in himself because he's stupid. This one, Link...

He's just sad. That's not the same as dark. What, man? Hey, chill out. She's got so many people she wants to kill, but she can't bother right now, man. Just give her a second. Why are you so angsty, man? Yeah, no, there are more important things to do. Yeah. But Vince, Jesus Christ. But Vince goes like, his little one frame animation walk and moves up right next to normal and goes,

This one, though. Oh, hi there. Yeah. What's up? There's something in this one. So he got a 14 insight if you want to roll to deceive to like hide your true nature or something, if you want. I don't feel like I'm going to do that. OK. I feel like I'm an open book. So he goes, this one is miserable. This one is in...

the most delectable and distinct agony of any of you. You. Okay. Yeah, right. I mean, my tummy hurts from getting hurt a little while ago and I'm really in pain. Yeah, I'm not miserable. What are you talking about? I'm, you know, I'm teen in the teen. I mean, I'm not anymore. And, you know, there's like a couple of things I'm upset about, but like, I don't know if I call myself miserable. What are you upset about?

Well, I mean, you know, just some stuff like stuff with my dad or whatever. But, you know, like I'm making do. You said you're not teeny to teen. Why are you not teeny to teen? I don't know what that means, but why are you not that thing? I mean, because, you know, it seemed like I just wasn't really working for me and it wasn't making people proud of me. So, you know, I just wanted to like maybe see if there was a new kind of style I could do. I'm like, I'm working on this great mustache. I'm really happy about that. So how does everyone else feel about the mustache?

You guys all love it, right? Like we all like the mustache. Can I get insight on, is he looking like he's going to get violent or? Yeah, go ahead and roll insight. 14. So the 14, you can tell he is not going to get violent at normal. He is trying to see which of you between normal and scary is actually the one with a better grip on their

their own darkness and depression. Which of you is actually more miserable than me? Okay, so he's trying to just choose between the two of them. Norm, I can't believe you're doing this to me. You're really stealing my thunder and you're really taking all the attention away from me. I can't believe you've done this. But I'm not trying, I'm sorry. No, you're, I'm sorry, Scary. That's not what I'm trying to do. Like, you're like the meanest, worst person of all time, right? Yeah, yes.

Vince goes, oh, look, everyone, look. She said one word and he immediately bent over backwards to make her happy. He doesn't stand up for himself at all. Oh, he's a, he's a doormat. He's a doormat. And he's miserable. Nothing has made him happy and he's done everything for other people. I mean, yeah, okay. Let's say I'm not like the most happy person on earth, but like, if you think I'm that bad, like you should trust me to tell you that's scary. She's the one you want, right? Like she's got like,

This dad that thinks she's great and she, like, you know, treats him like crap. Like, she must be miserable, right? Yeah. Like, that sucks. Like, Terry's never done anything wrong to me. It's just that I'm, like, moody and I am in pain. And so, yeah. Yeah, like, she has someone who loves her no matter what and is super proud of her and she's still upset, right? It's like, are you freaking kidding me? Like, what's that about?

So Vince pulls out a knife and puts it to Terry Jr.'s throat. And he says, well, that blade's one dimensional. It's the thinnest possible blade. And he says, oh, you don't like this one. So you would feel nothing if I if I ended him right now. Right. Because it's all pointless. No, I would feel sadness because that's what I feel all the time. Oh, rope deception. Deception.

18. 18. Okay. So they go, ah, your sadness is so omnipotent that the death of another wouldn't change it. That's not bad. I see. Maybe you are...

The dark one. Maybe you can lead us to take others to the forever sleep. The forever is like he's in death? I mean, kind of, just like less sad. Can we do a teen huddle real quick? Just give us a second. We need to talk about how much our lives suck. Yeah, they suck so bad. Just let us know when you're ready to lead us into battle against the undergrowth. Maybe you all should go start marching or whatever. You guys are slagging off.

Get out of here. Yeah, practice your baton twirls. Guys, I'm a leader here. Oh, you're right. Yeah, leader. Yeah. They don't seem very miserable, do they, leader? No. You guys each have to insult each other twice. Uh...

In a really hurtful way. So get real personal. Okay. We'll do that. Okay. Also on the ground is an item. This item was sent to us by Adam. Thank you, Adam. It is the drum major baton. It is a bow staff you can use as a weapon similar to Glenn's nunchucks, but it can also be used as a distraction. If you succeed multiple different like throws and tricks, they get more difficult as they go on again, like the nunchucks. Every successful check for normal heals normal for 1d4 and every fail deals 1d4 psychic damage to normal.

No matter who's using it? Yeah. Oh, that's great. Oh, it's just always attached to normal? Normal really cares, yeah. Normal is influenced heavily by this object. So you can still have it. Oh, okay. As long as you want it. Okay, so Scary picks it up. Oh, that's fine. Yeah, you can have that. Vince is already like, look, see, look how fun that one is. Hey, shut up, Vince! Okay, fair enough. You nanny, he says to a friend of his. Okay, T-Nuttle. Hey, I think having this big army hanging around us that we can direct...

feels like a good thing well i mean it doesn't seem that solid like she was a leader within one second like one of the gruntlings is already like threatening to like usurp like i don't know it seems like a very unstable army i was gonna say like do we stay here if i know anything about band people and band kids it's that they smell fear and they will turn on you in a second if you show any weakness in front of them so i think we really caught a tiger by the tail with this one my

I thought as well, we just grab this tape measure and bounce, let's get out of here. Yeah, why do we need this? Like, whatever. Yeah, I mean, it would be a lot of responsibility to have to, you know, control the whole army or whatever. The marching band, rather. Hey, T-Dog. Yeah, what's up? Am I in the huddle now? Yeah. Cool, cool. Terry. Terry. Oh. I wave him over. What's our X-FIL strategy, bro? I was thinking we would, like, walk away, because they're all looking at us.

So I thought we would just walk back to the pussy wagon and then just drive away. That's not a bad plan at all. That sounds good to me. And we all stick close together, you know, hold hands again so that the vision doesn't happen, remember? Like, so you and your stepdad aren't separated so nobody can die. You probably don't want to let them see you holding hands with your stepdad. That seems like that would be a pretty non-goth thing to do. Yeah, I mean, I'm not doing that. You just, like, punch him in the back of the head the whole time we're walking or whatever. Yeah.

Terry raises a finger in protest as if to say something. I punch Terry in the shoulder. Ow. And

Anyways, I think I've got an exit strategy. What's the plan? Just follow my lead. All right. All right. You got it. Can we call you like boss? Yeah. Do you want a cool leader name? What's your leader name? Scary. Captain Scary. Terry puts his hand on your shoulder and says, and that's enough. Just as he, as that is the. What are you trying to say? Something my dad told me or my mom told me. It was like, that's the just, just being scary is cool. Scary.

Okay, that's a weird thing for your dad to say, but whatever. Fuck, I fucked it up. It's like you are enough just the thing that you do. Just the way you are. The things you do are good, I think, right? That's what he's kind of trying to say. I'm trying to say cool scary. I'm saying the opposite of that. So you're no good. I'm no good.

Oh, what makes you say that? I know not to interrupt, but can we, like, we could probably do this, like, down the road. In the wagon? His eyes widen and he turns to you and he's like, I was right on the cusp of making such a fucking breakthrough. You fucked it up for me. I lean in and I go, you weren't close, buddy, yet. Ha ha ha ha!

Don't rush it, man. Don't rush it. You're okay. Just be there for her. You're okay. This whole time, by the way, Taylor is like Naruto finger-tutting this information back to Hermie, who is watching with the... Hermie's just nodding solemnly through the monocular. I have no idea what this is. He's like, cool. I don't know what this means, but it means that Taylor wants to talk to me. That's pretty cool. I'm Taylor's favorite. Okay, Scary, we'll follow your lead. Okay. Attention, band...

I have an announcement to make. It would be such a cool fucking honor to be your leader, which is why I have to step down. Because it would be so cool that it might make me happy, and I can't have that. Because nothing should ever make me happy. I am too unworthy and depressed, clinically, to...

I do. Be your leader, and thus I must depart this land. As a last command to you, I say march on in that direction and feel very sad.

All right. Give me persuasion with advantage because she's leader. She is the leader. Well, she just gave it up mid sentence. Does she get advantage? Because those who don't want to lead are the most they want. They lead with most the lead. The thing that you just said, I got five plus five, 10, 10. Okay.

So with a 10, Vince again, like people are beginning to surround. It's like Trump trying to tell all those guys to go home after the incident. Yeah, very. You're very special. Go home. I know what she's really saying. Okay, so Vince goes, I knew it. There's something off. There's something. You haven't actually tasted true despair. You actually don't know what it's like.

To be really, really miserable. And I think that you're a poser. Poser. Is that right, everybody? Poser. Well, I think that you're a fucko and a loser and a two-dimensional squid person. The bandmates around you lift their instruments and they go, you'll know what it is to be truly miserable once you've heard this music. Oh, God, I'm sure I will. Yeah. So either...

You can prove that you're hardcore and that you don't care about anything in some way that may surprise me or delight me, usually involving violence. You'll have to come up with that yourself. Or we'll play this music for you and we'll know for sure that you know what it is to be miserable. And then you can meet us for good. I lean over to scary.

Hey, I don't know if this will help, but like, I got this gun that shoots humans. Maybe like, could you like shoot yourself out of it or like shoot your stepdad or just be like, I'm so, I don't give a shit. I just, every day I watch myself die. I kill, I literally take a gun and shoot my corpse out. Let them play that music for a clone of you. Yeah. But like, if we're away from them where they don't see us, we might as well just run. But we could also just run away. Scary.

If you want to bully me to prove to these guys that you're super hardcore, you can do that. Just give me both barrels. I can take it. Okay. Yeah. Why don't you just tell them that we're your quote unquote best friends and then just like devastate us in front of them. Yeah. Just, just, I,

I drop to my knees and I say, roast me. Yeah. Roast me. Roast the shit out of me. I'd like to see you try to roast me, but you won't. Reddit r backslash roast me. And here's the evidence. It's me. I put up a little sign that says my Instagram account. It's me. Do your worst. I am attention banned. Challenge accepted, obviously. You're about to see the roast of the century. These are the only people that love me right here. All.

All I have, Norm, you've got bad BO, man. That's just me doing a service to you to let you know so you can be clean. Oh, thank you. I really appreciate that. I mean, oh, God, wow, no. I don't know why you're so scared of anything else when you should be

Mostly scared that you'll never make your parents proud. Oh, God. And Taylor. Taylor's looking at his fingernails. You think you're so cool. Uh-huh. But you're not. Meh. You're just a...

A sad little dude. And... His father's in hell and abandoned him. And your father went to hell to get away from you. This does affect Taylor. Get away! And no matter how cool and how hot you think you are, you're never going to make him come out. What?

Hold me back. Someone hold me back. I can't. I'm too hurt. I'm already down. And Lincoln. You're all grabbing your chest like somebody wrote the death note about you. You're named after a subpar actor. Whoa! Wait, what? I never knew that. You're way too preoccupied with what your parents think of you. Yeah. And Terry. Terry. Terry's beckoning you forward with hands like, I got a feezy. I can take it.

Terry turns to you and goes, Andrew Lincoln is a very bad actor. Oh, no. Watch Love Actually again. He's a very bad actor. Taylor's like leaning against Lincoln. I need your help. Now Lincoln also collapses, which is a pile. Terry...

I've been alive for 15 years and I haven't learned how to love myself. What gives you the right to try it in eight months? Whoa! You dummy. Terry narrows his eyes and goes, I don't know if that's a roast on me. It is because if you think it's so easy to be my dad,

then you got another thing coming. Because my first dad didn't stick around, and so he's really cool because he knows how dark and scary and wants to stay away from me. And that's how it should be. Tell him he's got fat ankles. You've got fat ankles and your ankles

And I think you're needy. And I think that your eyes are too close together. So the others, other than Terry, it feels like they accepted your roasting. I think for Terry, you're going to have to roll like intimidation or persuasion with disadvantage. He's not sensitive about his looks. No. Nor his ankles. No, he's a grown man. His ankles look fucking glorious. His wife is Veronica. No, he's still a little deaf for a long time. He just has extra white shoes. He's fine.

You got that new balance, wise. Jerry, I'm never gonna love you. Ooh, okay. Now...

You don't have to tell me, but it can be deception as well. You can roll with deception or intimidation or persuasion. You don't have to tell me which, not with disadvantage because that's pretty good. Nice. I got a 16 plus five. Okay. So with the 21, you see it hit him. You see those, like he's all soft. He's like, his arms are actually opening up to sort of bring you into an embrace. As you mentioned that like you haven't loved yourself in 15 years, but

But even despite all that, once you say, I'm never going to love you, he realizes like the truth of it and believes you wholeheartedly. And he like steps back with the emotional impact. But it's like an anime thing where he like digs his back foot in his eyes. We're going to get a little bit wet. So Vince and the other members of the Black Parade look at your friends in a little pile and they go.

That's not bad. That's not bad. But we all know that to be truly deep, dark, and cool, you have to hate no one else more than you hate yourself. What is the roast that you would roast yourself with? That I am a poser. What? I'm a fucking phony. And I don't even like traditionally dark things. Like black's not my favorite color or whatever. It's actually pink. But...

I just, I get so lonely that I thought that I could push everybody away. But it's just stupid. It's a stupid little game that a little girl who doesn't know jack shit is playing.

I miss soccer. Yes. He does it quietly, though. Roll persuasion with advantage. Nine plus five, 14. So the 14, Vince nods at you and he goes, it's not bad, kid. It's not bad. My dad left me when I was a baby. You wanted nothing to do with me. My mom keeps saying she doesn't know where he is, but I bet she does.

I bet he's too cool for me. Fucking Terry thinks it's going to be all easy to come in here and love me. But the one person who should have didn't. Vince is like, whoa, you had me like you were. We were good. I'm sad all the time. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

I'm still lonely. Oh, no. And my tummy hurts from getting those five hit points. And nobody's paying attention to me. And that's what's really, really. Everyone is paying attention right now. But it feels like we're not to you, which is even worse. Oh, boy. Okay, everybody, I guess let's pack it up. Let's get moving. She said that we had to go in the other direction and just think about our lives or whatever. What did you tell us to do? Come up with another sad song. Another sad song, right. Yeah. And then if it's cool, like, I'll listen to it.

later all right well we'll see you again but yeah okay we're good for now geez louise okay man maybe talk to somebody well yeah i mean things are really dark yeah okay bye oh wait give me that thing oh yeah it's still on his oh he's he takes the tape measure off and tosses it to you nice thanks yeah no problem woof oh boy

Yeah, so I guess we'll forget about the Undergrove then. We're just going to sort of hang out here. What's that? The Undergrove? It's the place we're at war with. Oh, okay. Just like do a quick summary. Wait, don't we see Grant there somewhere? Grant and the Undergrove? What is that though? It's a place where a lot of people live that we don't like. Well, yeah, why?

It's good. If my dad's there, then like, yeah, have them forget it. I don't want to, we don't want to go there in the middle of a war. Yeah. Like it's, that would be fricking too cool if you did that. And that's lame. We don't want to be cool. So like, yo, yeah, don't. Yeah. Terry. I mean, it was scary. You tell him you're better. You're better at it. But yeah. Yeah. No war with undergrowth. That'd be good for us. Yep. Just carry on. Keep calm and carry on. Just carry on. Yeah. Sorry. I don't know why I sang it like that. Vince points. It goes like, wait a second. There's something there. Ah,

Nah, fuck it. No, that was terrible. Man, teenagers scared the limit shit out of me, bro. So they walk into the difference. I guess this is how they disappear. Anyone else? No, no, no. No. You're the only ones who know the Elm. No. No, but I doesn't know any of that. It's just you. Just you, Will. Sharpest lives. Now Will's the leader. He's the saddest of us all. Yeah.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. The black braid heads back into the city, basically going over new lyrics and trying to find new ways to impress you now that you've blown them away with how deep and dark and self-reflective somebody can be. Terry goes, oh, okay. I thought I was gonna, I thought I would, this is where I...

huh okay no yeah you didn't die yeah that was really fun make-believe right uh his eyes are still wet and he does not high-five you and he goes yeah no definitely didn't uh i guess i didn't die i guess not i guess definitely didn't have my heart see i knew you're overreacting yeah yeah silly me silly me okay well i guess i can uh have

I lean over to Terry and I go, hey man, I've seen her like in acting class. She's like a really good, you know, she thinks she's a good actor. Don't talk to me. She's just acting. What? I said don't talk to me. Oh, all right. I don't like you. No, you're mean. Nevermind. Whatever. She's gonna help you, dude. Hey, hey, Mr. What's- No, I don't help him. He's mean. But like, you know, if you want to be like proud of another kid and like love them, you know, there's other kids out there. That's all I'm saying. You know, like,

If you want to be supportive and, you know, tell someone that they're doing a good job, you know, I bet there's other kids out there that, you know, would like having that kind of role model. I don't know me. Like they have those programs like big brother, little sister, big brother, big sister. I put my hands on normal. Dude, you can do better, man. Yeah.

You're worth it, dude. I know you're having a hard time, but you're worth it. You're a good one, man. And your mustache looks great and you're fine, dude. Like, you don't want him. He's mean. No, I like this one. I like you. I like you, Terry Jr. Oh, God. Terry was right about the smell, though. You need to see about that. That's not. Oh, OK. It's going to drive you. Yeah, you're really not good at this, are you? I'm just saying it's going to drive people away. Do you want friends? You don't want friends. Yeah, no, sorry. Sorry. Fuck.

I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I fuck everything up. Fuck. So if you want to, you can just head back to the portal and drop off Terry, or you can try to take him to the undergrove. But also it has now been 24 hours since you've been in this world. So everybody go ahead and roll a D 20. And depending on how well you roll, that is the quality of memory you will lose.

That's a 10. I got a natural 20. I got a 19. Do we want to roll low or roll high? You wanted to roll high. Okay. So scary, you don't lose anything. Link, you lose a bad memory. I forget that I'm named after Andrew Link. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Yes, the psychic damage undoes itself. Normal and Taylor, you're going to lose memories that are an everyday sort of element of your lives up to this point. Something you would sort of take for granted. Season 12 of The Walking Dead. Something that we would take for granted. Something you take for granted and look back on later in life is like, oh, I used to eat sandwiches with my sister when I was waiting for my dad to come home. I've suddenly lost my desire to read things right to left.

That's pretty big. Normal has lost the concept of Taco Tuesday. Whoa, no, no. Will, Will. A load-bearing concept.

We're in constant. Will, think about that. Will, before you go down that route. I also like the only reason the school still does Taco Tuesdays is because normal would always like remind the student council. And then like two years from now, everybody's like, why don't we have Taco Tuesdays anymore? Normal was important to the school, damn it. Normal was the only one left on earth. It was like the elevators. He was the only one who remembered Taco Tuesday. Fantastic.

Yes, everybody has lost their requisite memory. I guess reading from right to left is not memory. You forgot that you like to do that. You forgot the password to your weird fucking machine in your bedroom. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I forget one of my most important passwords, which is the password that controls my home automation system in my room. So it's like the omelette dude from Hodge. You forgot the perfect AI art prompt to generate anime waifus. Oh, my God. That's right.

I found a realistic anime girl art station. What was the rest of it? In the style of who was it? Who was it? Great. And a hole in my heart opens up for all the waifus that I will not have. All the kind of weird, vacant looking waifus. To all the waifus I've had before. You have one more dad to rescue. You can either get rid of this one or you can hang out with them.

Does Terry lose a memory? Yeah, Terry does lose a memory, but we don't know what it is. We don't know the quality of it. Teen huddle, teen huddle. Okay, just real quick. I say that we just sort of mention that this guy, Willie, got out on his own. Oh yeah, we should see how he responds to that. He's going to find out about Willie when he gets back. Do you want to frame the context on that at all, Scary? Oh yeah.

I mean, I think we should still call Willie April Mistwell, which is a really anagram of Willie Stampler. Oh, that's cool. Okay. That makes sense. That's fun. That's good. That's really good. That's amazing. I couldn't really feel like May, April. That couldn't really figure it out. No. April Mistwell. Not to throw a flag, but yeah.

I get the secretness, but like, you know, I feel like we should tell your stepdad what he's going into. I don't think that's really nice to like, we know that Willie was bad to him. So like we should tell him before we throw him into literally Willie. Like, okay, I think I can handle this. Okay. For sure. Yeah. For sure. If you need anything. Okay. Yeah. Please don't be on the drive or I know you're pretending, but it really hurt my feelings. Yeah. I'm, I'm sorry about, no, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not sorry. Okay. I'm, I'm bad. I'm bad.

Also scary if you're ever looking for like a, you know, a pass buddy and you just want to kick the ball around, you know. No, I was completely lying when I said that. Oh, okay. Well, that's cool. I'm not lying. So if you do, let me know. Okay. Terry. So listen about the other world. This is.

Dude is out running around there and he's pretty cool, actually. He's a little like less approachable, which makes him more approachable in my eyes. He doesn't try to put on airs or to, you know, like make me like him. And he's got like a mean streak. Right. So like I just find him kind of inspiring. Yeah.

But he's out there, and you should probably know about it. So you wanted me to know there's like a chill hot guy? Yeah. Well, no, not like hot like that. It's just like a chiller stepdad material kind of. Oh, are you saying...

Are you saying your mom has been seeing someone else? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not like that. My mom has been seeing someone else. You know, I feel like... Why is that kid talking? Yeah, Taylor, come with the room, man. Let's come on, come on. Tell me about survival stuff. I really want to know about tents. Ah, well, so the first thing you need to know is... It's Willie Stampler. So for a second, he steps back in, like, shock as if you just, like, slapped him in the face. And then he cocks his head a little bit and goes, well, wait a second. If I was supposed to die...

surrounded by the black parade, I'm safe when I go back. I can just fucking kill the guy. No. I can just handle it. I can kill him and he can't stop me. No, he's not causing havoc. I'm just saying, I was saying as a courtesy. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm preoccupied with courtesy of all things. I'm just saying that he's out there

And that you should know. And he's dating Taylor's mom. So, okay. You're looking for a place to start. That's not really relevant to me, but I, uh, yeah, I'm gonna, I think I have to. Oh, so it sounds like you like this guy. Yeah. Which is not, I don't know why you, I don't get that. I'm sorry. I don't get it. He's, he's bad. He's a bad person. He's worse than you think. He's just shitty. He's, he's fucking awful. And I finally have a chance to finish him off.

Then you're staying with us. You're not going back there. I think I'm gonna. I don't know if you can stop me. Can we stop him? I don't mean I don't. I don't want to stop him. I mean, you can, you know, between you and your dad. But I love you. But like, I have to get rid of this guy to keep you safe. Like, if you go back and he's still running around, it could be very, very bad for you and your friends. And sorry, I snapped at you, Lincoln.

No response from Lincoln. That's fair. Oh, you were saying that to me? Yes. When he leaned over and was like, hey, she's a bad actor. I was like, are you going to give me eye contact? So that again? Oh, that's not snapping. Oh, it's okay, man. I get it. You're having a hard time with your stepdaughter. That's tough. I got it. Yeah, it's also my own. I'm sorry. Why don't you stay here while I take a quick nap and then we can discuss it.

Well, you go back to the pussy wagon and I assume you could like drive back and then take your nap while you're on your way back to wherever you want to go. Sure. Yeah, sure. We're going to take you back to the portal. Let's just go back to the pussy wagon. I'm just going to get some Z's in the back of the pussy wagon and then we'll say our goodbyes there. Why don't you drive so the four of us can talk in the back? Sure. Yeah, I can drive. I know the way back to the portal and I just want to say thanks for being

mature about this. Of all the things I've done to keep you safe, this will be the one that I feel the best about and the least morally ambivalent about. So I'm cool or whatever. But yeah, I believe in you all that you can survive out here and that you can find Grant and bring him back to and then we'll be good and we can fix all this. So yeah, boom, boom. I'm driving now. He says that aloud, by the way. Very dad energy. Yeah. Where's the radio on this thing, right? Don't tweak that one. I'm going to put the nightcap on.

So you instantly fall asleep. Okay. And then Lincoln instantly takes off. He's like, scary, what's going on? What are you going to do? Hey, I'm going to put a little do not disturb sign on this hat. So just say, give me some space. Okay.

Hey everybody, you need space. I put the hat back on. Okay, you fall asleep. Willie, are you here? In like the dream space? Yeah, what's up? You okay? Oh, you're actually here. We all look at Scarry and she's kind of like moving like a dog that's having a dream. Running in place. Yeah.

Chasing rabbits. So I think my stepdad is coming back there to like try to kill you. He can't do that, can he? He can try, but no, he's not going to kill me. Do you want me to kill? I mean, I don't have to kill him. I mean, is he cool?

Like, how is he like, I mean, I knew him when he was like a little, little, and I don't know how he's changed, you know, since then. Like, it's sort of up to you. He's complicated. He's like nice, I guess. And he, you know, supports me or whatever, but he tries too hard and he comes off as a goofball and it's embarrassing. Oh, so he's like a nerd. Okay. Now I get that. You know what? Let's err on the side of, I'll beat him up bad enough that he doesn't want to keep fighting me. I'm not going to kill him though. I'll keep him alive.

Is that fair? Does that sound fair? Yeah. But yeah, no, he'll definitely try some stuff. I'll make sure he doesn't. Okay. Stay safe. Hey, you too. And then what should our next move be? Well, you can go get Grant. I'm also thinking, oh yes, that was the other thing I wanted to tell you. So there's basically a kind of a church somewhere on earth. I've basically just been sort of sitting around and just sort of like psychically reaching out into, you know, where you are, which is why we can, we can talk like this.

And I think there is a church somewhere that a long time ago, some folks tried to basically build a way of communicating with and sort of showing their admiration for the doodler in the hopes that he would basically show mercy on them. And I think...

If you go there, that's the place where you're going to have the easiest time actually diving into the doodler's mind and maybe finding a way to kill him. So, yeah. I think once you figure out, you know, you give me a little bit to pinpoint exactly where it is, but I know that's probably your next stop after you deal with, you know, getting whatever Lincoln's dad sorted or whatever. Cool. All right. You cool? You good? Yeah. Yeah, I am. I think I am. Okay. Do you need anything? Like...

I mean, like, magic advice. No, now you're trying too hard, man. Okay, fair enough. Nope, you got me there. Yeah, it's my first time trying. Like, I'm just, I'm trying. Yeah, but no, that's fair. I'm gonna go make out with Taylor's mom a little bit more. But yeah, you have a good one. I take the hat off. But you're asleep. Damn.

Oh yeah. How long are we supposed to let her? I think we have to take this thing off. It says, do not disturb. It's been like 12 hours. Oh yeah. Hey, uh, Terry, uh, Mr. Uh, Marlo. Yeah. Uh, are we close? Yeah, we're, we're basically there. Okay. We, we shouldn't get off real quick. Like,

what's the deal with this Willie guy? Like we read the book and he seems like bad news, but at the same time, like, I gotta be honest, you guys seem like bad news. You did. Yeah. Sort of bad news all around. Pretty bad shit to like keep us safe. And I understand why you did it, but like, we're not really crazy about this whole idea of blowing up more planets and stuff. It doesn't seem like a good way to do it. And it seems like this Willie guy has another idea for how we can not do that by like fighting the doodler. It seems like he's got a plan. So I don't know. I feel kind of conflicted. I gotta be honest.

I understand why you might feel conflicted.

And, I mean, I remember what it was like to be a teen. Everything was confusing. Your adults are telling you this thing and that thing, and you're sure that you're smarter than them, and you're sure that they don't know what they're talking about. And you know that when you're an adult, you're going to do better, and you're going to be smarter, and you're going to have your shit together. And then one day, oh shit, you're an adult. And, oh shit, you don't have your shit together any better than anybody else. This feels like you're avoiding the question. Yeah, the answer to your question is we made mistakes trying to protect you.

Willie never made mistakes. Everything Willie wanted to do was intentional. Everybody he hurt, he wanted to hurt. And every bad thing that he did was part of some greater plan. So if you think that he has some sort of way of getting rid of the doodler that's going to be bloodless or that's going to ultimately be better than whatever we can think of, I think you're kidding yourselves.

I can't stop you from doing what you want to do. You're not my kids. I mean, scary is, but I guess no, she's not. No, she's not. I can't stop any of you. She doesn't give a shit about me. Why should you give a shit about what I have to say? I'm just some dumb ass adult. But I can tell you that Willie kidnapped me and my friends when I was a kid, and he was going to keep us locked up for good so that he could be immortal. And if you think that's the kind of guy who could just

change his mind after a while and become a good person and really want to protect all of you i don't know what to tell you you may not like what i and the others want to do to stop the doodler but i can guarantee you're also going to dislike way more whatever it is that willie thinks he can do because i don't know what his plan is but i know whatever it is it can't be good why did you tell like did you tell your tell your wife any of this so like did my dad not tell marco anything

I don't know what Grant did. How come you guys didn't get help from anybody? We went to everybody. When this first started, we went to the FBI. The FBI came to us. We talked to all the feds and everything, and they seemed to be the most interested in how they could maybe use the doodler for themselves or get into hell and use all the resources they had there. They got very distracted very quickly by Nikki and his family rather than the larger problem, which they tended to think of as not that big a deal. I mean, as far as they were concerned...

it was just more kooky stories about poltergeists and witchcraft and stuff that they already had a long history of ignoring the stuff we wanted them to pay attention to. They just wouldn't. So we had to go out as a family in a, basically a couple of mystery machine that references probably lost on you. We just all, we all went into a big van and went out and tried to solve YouTube ghost hunters. How did you find like, like you have miss Hale, like, and she's great. She's doing like all sorts of stuff. And like, so why, like you just put it all on her and then you didn't give us anything. Like,

You didn't protect us at all. Like protecting is also trusting. So I just don't understand like how Grant or like how you guys could all do that. Yeah, you didn't train us on how to use weapons. We were trying to protect you from every part of it, not just the danger, but the

losing your innocence as quickly as we did and having to learn how to load a gun when you were 12 and having to do all that shit. I'm sure Taylor thinks it's probably... This one with the sword probably thinks it's super cool. All of this was important and it could have been a great market improvement on my life. I'm sure you would have loved that, but you also would have missed out on all the fun parts of your childhood. All the things that, I mean...

I'm assuming I haven't had very long with scary in my life, but I'm assuming you all had happy memories with your families of of normal things and making cookies together and watching movies and throwing popcorn and, you know, whatever the playing board games, throwing popcorn.

popcorn. No, like when you watch a movie, people like playfully throw popcorn at each other. It's like a visual shorthand for like, they get along. You know what I'm talking about? You've never watched a movie before in your life, have you? I've watched, I only watched a couple. I really like watching Miracle. I've just watched Miracle. You know how sometimes parents will lie to their kids about whether or not Santa Claus exists? One more time.

Do you know Santa Claus? I just learned this. I've been told that this was a lie. Well, okay, so St. Nicholas technically does exist in terms of that's your dad, but like Santa Claus, the red guy with the suit, uh-huh, is not...

I'm so sorry you're hearing this from me. Sir, I did figure it out and it was quite the shock and I would have preferred it that I was not deceived for so long. Yeah, but if you didn't have that, if you didn't have that period of time where you were lied to, then you would have never had any magic in your life. You would have come out with your childlike wonder and you would have immediately been hit in the face by reality. All we were trying to do was save just a little as much time as we could with you being able to enjoy a normal, innocent life.

And we fucked up, I guess, because now you're in this and you're in it harder than we expected or wanted. And I'm sorry. Well, look, I don't I don't think we like Willie. I think you're gonna have to work on like I think something's going with scary and it's not my place to say. But like we don't like Willie, but like we're not down with what you guys are suggesting either. We're not going to kill a world. So we're going to figure this out. But I don't know. Got to go back there and fix it. Hey, I I really hope you do.

And honestly, I'm kind of rooting for you guys. Don't tell Lark that you said that. Why not? What do you mean? Lark will do whatever it takes to get rid of the dude. Like your uncle's a complicated guy. He's a good guy in general, but he is going to do whatever it takes to make sure that the doodler doesn't win. And if you try to get between him and that, he'll get weird. Okay. He's not going to hurt you. Like, don't get me wrong, but like...

I don't know. I don't want to speak on your uncle's behalf. I'm going to take a shot on something here. You seem conflicted like we are about all of this. Yes. Can you think of anything else we can do? Any clues we can chase? Anyone we might even be able to talk to to find a third way to figure this out? Because both of these options suck. They're terrible. I got the psychopath lying to us and then we've got you guys who we like

but you're doing all this crazy, you know, you want to, it's just more death and destruction. There has to be another way. Like, is there anyone we could talk to? Did anyone from when you were a kid in this world that you remember that might have some information that can help us? There are definitely some people we knew their opinions of us are not what they once were. Maybe there'll be different for you. Maybe we'll have a better time talking to them. But what could be worthwhile is a long time ago,

We and our dads went to this place called the Church of the Doodler. And it was basically a sort of a monastery type place for people to try to worship the doodler and try to talk to him and stuff like that. And while we were there, we found out what the doodler wanted or Lark found out what the doodler wanted. Lark was the only one willing to put his mind at risk to sort of go into the doodler's brain, figure out what its goal was.

It was like a physicalized thing you could sort of bring out when he did. He smashed it immediately and said that we had to kill the doula at all costs. Maybe if you go there, you can find out how to kill it. If it's got the information inside of it of what it wanted, it probably also knows, you know, what it's scared of. So that's what I would recommend. Lark told us to never go back there ever again, no matter what. So we didn't because Lark's kind of scary and he sort of knows what he's talking about. But yeah.

If I were you, that's what I would do. Thanks, man. That's I think that's where we're going to have to go. He draws on your on your video game map that zooms out a little bit. Here's another checkpoint where the the monastery of the doodler is, you know, if my last one, you know, if my dad's in danger right now, if he's here, he's in danger. Yeah. Oh, OK. You know, he's doing he was sent to go make peace with the undergrowth. That's why we came here in the first place. OK, that's what they told me anyway. All right.

Well, hey, man, it's been super fun learning more about you, you know, and it looks like we're coming up on the portal. I'm going to go wake scary up before you wake up real quick. Like, look, man, we let's hey, the three. Let's be scary friends for a second. Like, look here, let's all give a buddy, sir. It's

Yes. Just quick little advice. Like we've only been friends with her for a bit, but like, okay, number one, just like, just like step off scary just a little bit. Just give her space, man. Like you love her. Just like, you know, just let her know you love her, but like, just give her some space. Stop getting all up in her shit. And maybe like, you know what? Share her interest. I hear a lot of talking, but not a lot of, you know, poetry. Maybe like, you know, maybe take the time. Maybe learn some poetry. You should check out this poet named Ruby Carr. Oh my God. Scary, scary weeks out. Oh my God.

We were just talking about sports and stuff. Scary, what kind of stuff do you like? Holy shit. This fucking loser. Scary, I love you. What kind of stuff are you into? I'm into being alone and not answering questions. Cool. Can you tell me more? Oh shit, that's a question. Tell me more about that. We're going to need to work on this guy.

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If he didn't notice his dick was peeking out of the box. Just a little mushroom tipped up against the top of the box. There was a little hole they cut for his dick to breathe. It's a secret Kegel technique you have to learn to be able to draw in air through the tip of your penis. Summer's coming. Be prepared with MeUndies. Get 20% off your first order plus free shipping at MeUndies.com slash dungeons. That's MeUndies.com slash dungeons for 20% off plus free shipping MeUndies. Comfort from the outside. In. Alright, well, I guess I'll head out. Alright. Cool. Good seeing you.

Yeah. He walks away and is like trying to walk away all cool without turning around. But then he turns around and goes later and like does a finger gun at you. But it's like weird. And he like shakes his like and then turns back around and then tries to hook a thumb over his back as he's walking away and then thinks that's also weird. And he just he does finger guns, but instead of the index fingers, he does middle fingers. So is he flipping us off? How do you fuck up finger guns like that? And then he tries to he just basically tries to do a bunch of cool hand things like waving at you and stuff without turning around. And then he basically settles for

raising his hand, turning it around so his palms facing you, then putting his fingers down like, bye. And then he goes, love you, bye. And then he steps into the portal. And he is gone. Wow, your dad's a pretty cool guy, Scary. Your stepdad. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. How are you? Getting a good rest? Oh, yeah, I feel well-rested. Not that it ever really rested the chaos in my soul. Yeah, we get it. Yeah.

Guess what, though? I think that we should go to a church. A church of the doodler. How do you know that? How do you know that? Um...

I just got a feeling, you know? All right. Well, should we do that before getting my dad? I feel like let's get, I mean, triage, you know, I think we should swing by Grant first. Plus he might have some more information for us in terms of like what to do with the do-gooder. Plus I feel like Link's going to have a nervous breakdown or something if we don't go see his dad. Maybe we don't have to go see my dad now. Wait, what do you mean, bro? What do you mean? Oh, no, no. It was like, whatever's more important. You know, I don't know. Insight.

I rolled a 19. He's just nervous about going to see his dad. Oh, okay. I'm like, normal. Yeah, what's up? His left foot has been tapping at 200 beats per second ever since we got on the bus. I think he actually wants to go to your dad. You're so loud, I can hear you, dude. Okay, look, I'm just nervous about, yeah, I'm just a little angry at my dad, and I don't know, maybe we don't need him right now. Oh, somebody's scared to see their dad. I'm not scared. No.

No. Somebody's scared. Yeah, some of us actually like our parents. I'm sorry that that's such a problem for you, you know? I'm scared, Gary. Some of us, you know, like, don't just take people who love us for granted and we care about them. Okay, well, cool your jets. Norm, she's having a tough time. I'm just, I'm not scared, Gary. I'm just, I'm angry. Or, like, I don't know. Maybe he's doing something important, and clearly if he's doing something important, he doesn't need me. Otherwise, he would have told me stuff earlier. So, like, maybe he's just doing his thing, and maybe we should do our third plan anyways.

Or like, I just don't want to ruin our third plan. Maybe we go help my dad and that's just going to help in this world or whatever. Link, you feel hands on your shoulders massaging them. Oh, oh, hey, thanks, Taylor. I'm over here. What? No, it's me. You just look a little better. Oh, hey, Hermie. Oh, wow. God, we kind of forgot about you. I'm sorry. You're shockingly good at this. I know. You can stop now, though. I played a masseuse once. I played Zatoichi. That's right. You were good in that. Thank you. I couldn't see how good I was. Yeah.

It's a little pun from actors to actors. You feel anything back there, though? I got like no knots. I keep myself loose. That's not true. Oh, OK. You are. You're just one big knot. You're like a racehorse after race day. Sorry. Continue, though. Just want to remind you. Just whatever. I just think we should do whatever is most practical to save two entire worlds, which is our responsibility now, rather than whatever is, you know, I feel, you know, I should do. Anyways, that's all. Just a group. Let's just take a group vote.

And just pretend my dad's not part of the equation. Should we go to the under grove or should we go to this church? I mean, if your dad's not part of the equation, then we definitely don't need to just go to a place to see stuff. Yeah. Tourist mission here. What do you think, Hermie? You're part of the group, I guess. Well, how good is the massage? Let me roll.

Ooh, it's a natural one massage. Oh no! Ow! You were not free. You were not free and he's introducing knots. He's added knots. I've added knots. Pain is just weakness leaving your body. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. If it were me, it sounds like a place...

that maybe was a church a long time ago. Doesn't have a lot of stuff in it right now that is relevant or it's going to be relevant whenever you want it to be. But it sounds like your dad could potentially be in danger like right now. Okay. Do you guys feel better after talking to your dads? Absolutely not. I don't talk to my dad. No, no.

Cool. Well, I guess that's the way to go then. Let's go talk to my dad. My dad's an anime. Okay, come on. I'm going to drive if you guys don't mind. Yeah, I think well when I'm driving. Or I don't think. That's the best part about it. You just can focus on the road. So you drive to the undergrove according to the map that you have. Any encounters on the way? Encounter table. Encounter table. Yeah, I'll roll on the encounter table. Yes.

An immense centipede-like beast erupts from the snow, rows of chitinous plates on its back glowing red hot. Wow! Whoa! Kitty, drive past it! Kitty, bat it around and fight it!

The cat just jumps really high in the air and then scampers away. Oh, yeah. It flattens us into the bottom of the thing. How fast it jumps. Yeah. Pickle. Oh, we run into a pickle. Yeah. Yeah. It's actually a pickle. It thinks it's what I just described, but it's actually just a very large pickle. It freaks out, runs away and takes you to the undergrowth. You guys remember that time our car freaked out? So you head to the remains of what looked to be a rather bustling city center. And there is seemingly nothing at all there.

Most of it seems like it's been razed to the ground entirely. It's just this big flat plain of wreckage and nothingness. Is this like a forest or like what is the... It's just a... It's an abandoned ruins of like a shitty plaza that had like a used game store and like just a bunch of random, you know, like a little plaza between an intersection essentially. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all this has been knocked down. Southern California strip mall vibe.

Yes, exactly. Empire Center? No. Okay. If it was the Empire Center, I would have mentioned one of the many wonderful things that are at the Empire Center. For example, Chipotle. And Grain Lab. Grain Lab. Yala. Fresh. California Sushi Roll. Don't forget that there is an Outback right next to it. Yeah. But amidst that, you see a staircase leading downward.

Can we hear anything in the staircase? Investo. You hear steps. Yeah.

You hear something or someone going down the staircase. There's a big hole in the ground with stairs going down. Yes. And we hear stuff down. Does it look like a subway stairs? I just want to know if it's like a spooky cathedral staircase from the ground, like something that was made or is it like... It looks like something that was made in a style that is not similar to the building surrounding it. It doesn't look like stucco and industrial design. It looks like something almost medieval. A lot of wood steps.

holding away the soil from the actual passage of the stairway leading down into darkness. Okay, I'm going to do sacred weapons. I can make my cool gun that shoots myself glow. And then I'm going to see if I can see anything down the staircase. Okay, great. As you peer down the staircase, you see your dad. You see Grant heading down the stairs, holding a parcel in his hands, a big box wrapped in wrapping paper. And he like turns around and winces yet and goes, oh,

Link. Oh, oh, you're okay. You're okay. Oh, and I just, oh, okay. I just injected myself to like, oh, this is so good. Oh, wow. Oh, I'm the luckiest man in the world. I am so, so happy. Can you just wait here? No. Uh,

I'm mad at you, mister. Well, in the words of my dad, let's talk about that later. Daddy's just got to, I got to, I got to drop off this gift really quick and sort of prevent some bad stuff from happening. And then we'll be. No, you tell us now we're here. And then, oh, I could, you know, dad has been weeks without you and you didn't tell us anything. And you're a murderer. And you did the first rule in your book is don't lie. And that's all you've been doing this whole time. I, I, I,

I start kicking the wall. I'm so... We're not supposed to use violence. If you were the wall, I'd be kicking even harder. I'll tell you what. No, your soccer feet. And I try to pull them off. You need those toes, buddy. You need those toes, buddy. You got to keep... Fine, I don't need my hands, though. And I start punching the wall. Oh!

I wish this was her face, dad. I'm so angry. Link, you gotta... Okay, ground yourself. Breathe in. Oh, yeah, I'll do that. Ground myself. Captain Dan, we should talk about everything you talked about. You have every right to be upset, but just not right here and right now. I've got to go do this thing.

And then we can talk. We can go back home and we can talk together. All right. What's the thing you want to do? Because I think you lost doing thing privileges for lying all the time. So now you got to tell me what you're going to do. I've lost doing thing privileges. He goes, I am taking this. And he lifts the parcel to the head of the undergrove, the queen of the undergrove, because she's not...

very happy with us and i wanted to fix things sounds like she knows what she's talking about yeah okay yeah no that's fair but i'm just gonna do it real quick and then i'll be right out i say we follow him yeah we're gonna follow you by the way we already met your other two dads i just did a bunch of bad stuff and we got we got the tape measurer and whatever the first thing we got whatever we got we've done it all ourselves already when you say you got the tape measure you can roll inside if you like

17. Wow. You can see his eyes brighten for a second. But we're not using it to blow up a whole world. So get that thought out of your head. His shoulders immediately slap. He's like, come on. No. They told you that? Look, we don't trust you freaking guys any farther than we can throw you or kick you. That's for you, Lincoln Scary. So look, if you're going to go make some deal with someone, we want to know what you're giving them and we want to know who they are. So we're coming with you, whether you like it or not. Fine. All right. Follow me. And whatever you do, don't.

mention you know what just just don't talk just follow my lead okay you'll be fine i mean realistically we're probably gonna say something yeah i know just just like just be cool just please just please be cool please god because if they wanted to the things down here could rip the skin from your flesh and okay metal yeah sure yeah it is but not when it's happening to you so all right all right follow me so he heads down some stairs for a long long long long long long

Long, long, long, long time. Stony silence between Link and Grant that whole time. Clearly putting like my hand holding hand like in a cross, but like kind of getting near him so he knows I'm making a point of not holding his hands. Taylor talks to the group and he's like, hopefully there's an elevator on the way back up. You know what I'm saying? Like a lot of descending and going downstairs easier.

Not looking forward to the app. Yeah, man, that's true. Yeah. After an eternity of walking in this up-down roomless stairwell, after an eternity of walking down these steps, you come to what looks like a heavy door made of meat. It is locked. Made of meat? Meat. Oh. You can feel a light. It's not alive meat. It's not pulsating or anything like that. It just looks like it's made of like old sort of magically preserved steak. Beef jerky. You feel a light comforting heat from the other side.

Grant turns to you and says, I just gotta get this open.

So don't freak out. I'm just going to pick the lock. Like, is that cool? That's cool. It's not actually pretty cool. If you can pick it up, but since you're saying, don't freak out, it makes me think that something weird is going to happen when you do it. It's going to happen. I just like, you know, you blew up a whole world. Like you opening a door is not that. Okay. I just, I'm just saying, what are you going to do? When we go in, keep your eyes down at first. Okay. That's all I'm saying. Just don't. You're so vague about everything. Yeah. Dads are vague. Yeah. Yeah.

Dads don't want to spoil reveals. So after a minute or so, Grant picks the lock. Thank you for making it a realistic amount of time to pick a lock, by the way. Thank you. This fucking movie shit where they jiggle a credit card and two seconds later the door pops open. Let's be sure you're credit carding a lock. Real quick, I want Taylor to try and learn from this action. Okay. Roll insight. Good idea. Or perception or investigation. Any of those. I'm going to do insight.

16 plus three, 19. Nice. You get a plus one to future lock picking. Yeah. Because you saw a master do it. So he puts his hand on the handle and he goes, I would recommend closing your eyes and then once it stops hurting, opening your eyes. It's going to hurt? But you're not going to trust whatever I say, I'm assuming. No, we'll trust. Okay, close your eyes. Okay. It's going to be really bright. Then you can open your eyes after a little bit when you acclimate, okay? All right.

All right. So he opens the door. Do you close your eyes? I'm closing my eyes in real life. I'm closing my eyes. I hope you have something physical, Anthony. We're all closing our eyes in real life. I didn't want you to do that in real life. I have nothing physical for you. I can't see anything. It's so dark in here. So even with your eyes closed, a light unlike any you have ever seen except in a single premonition of the future,

strikes your closed eyelids and the warmth and brightness of it and the unfamiliarity with it almost reduces you to tears. It's a fleshlight. Beth, who's that unfamiliarity? Taylor's here. Never mind, end it. End the episode right there. You don't get to figure out what's going on.

there until next episode. That's the clip I hear. You did what you did. I know that no one knows me better than myself.

We got to pick ourselves up today. No, not today. Just start back tomorrow.

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It comes out November 1st, two weeks from now, every two weeks, just in case you don't know that. Thanks so much for listening. We will see you then. Can we know what it is? No, that's a funny clip.

I like it. I'm so funny. My rhymes are better. Like Roger Federer, uh, like cut you like razors. Where'd my blazer, uh,

Don't watch the movie Eraser starring Al Schwartz and Nager. It's not as good as some of his other films like Predator. Don't watch Predator 2 that's got Danny Glover. I'm just a lover here to tell you that like no other with my brothers here in the Black Parade. So I should be still in charge of the Black Parade. You love me so much.