S2 Ep. 2 - The Game of Life [Any% WR Speedrun]
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Okay, asking someone how long they believed they were destined for greatness is so stupid, you can't even consider it a topic suitable for idle conversation. And if you still want to know how long I believed that I, Taylor Swift, was going to one day single-handedly change the world, well, I can tell you this, I always knew.

Exhibit A, my dad, probably not human. Exhibit B, I'm the coolest kid in my school. So when a mysterious man in a suit showed up during detention and recruited me and my three sidekicks, Link, Normal, and Scary, into an organization called Daddies, and that we were to be tasked with stopping eldritch horrors that infest our world? Huh.

Let's just say I wasn't surprised in the least. It was in that moment I knew the adventure that would define my teenage life and change the fate of the world forever was just beginning. This is my story. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies Season 2, still not a BDSM podcast. We'll say still because it makes it sound like eventually we will. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Not yet. I mean, hang in there, everyone. Edging is the act of this podcast tells a story of four teens searching for their lost dads in a world forever changed by the metaverse. Forever twisted by the metaverse. That's right. We're going to change it up every time, Will. Every time it's going to be a new thing. I disagree. I don't think it's fun.

to change it up. This intro forever changed by Beth Naysay. Beth Naysay. Yeah, that's pretty good. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, an anime loving teen. Codename Ranger. Rad fact this week about Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is able to start a fire anywhere, any condition, any place on Earth.

Assuming he has a butane lighter and a lot of tinder and somewhat dry conditions, actually. Okay. I like how you need a tinder. The lighter already does it. The fire happens. Matt. You made fire. Matt. The second you pulled the trigger on a butane lighter. You did fire. That's correct. You made fire. You did it. The fire's done.

did that second part so i went camping with matt and i said hey matt can you make the fire and he turned on his butane light i went did it gather around everyone time to for the s'mores time hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play schooled at home soccer kid uh lincoln lee wilson like most awkward teens i'm just gonna keep this really simple and i'm supposed to much of myself at the beginning here lincoln likes trains

He just really likes trains. That's fair. Yeah, airplanes, but safer. They're on the ground. Airplanes, but safer. And I think he might understand elevator if somebody explains to him that it's essentially a train, but vertical. So maybe that will help him later down this adventure. That was the sequel to Vertical Limit. It was Vertical Train. Damn. That's it. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak, a perky, chirpy, chipper, cheery school spirit mascot kid slash cleric.

Oh my god.

Normal listens exclusively to school marching band albums that they like released to like fund the marching band for that year. And so like he loves a good marching band cover. I actually, I get that. I could watch those compilations on YouTube or whatever. This is also a will fact. This is how I get in method for normal is I blast marching band music on the way over.

Really? Hell yeah. Yeah. There's some bangers. And there's always songs you don't think are going to rip ass as a marching band cover. Sweet Caroline, great marching band song. Anyway. Hi, my name's Beth May and I play Scary Marlowe.

A goth punk seeker of darkness who was not like the other warlocks. Ooh. Nice. That was real diegetic of you, the way you said that. Thank you. Thank you. Fun rad fact about Scary Jr. is that her guidance counselor, when she was having so much trouble meeting her mom's new beau and him coming into the family and stuff like that, suggested that Scary write letters to

to Terry, her stepdad. And so far, all she's done is left passive-aggressive post-it notes around the house about how he keeps washing her black clothes and making them faded, and then how he threw away a couple of safety pins that she was using as earrings. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Our dads are gone. Yeah, your dads are gone, so I am your interim dad. I'm your regency dad. Your regent dad. I still have another dad. Fuck you.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. Okay. I'm three of your dad. The other two dads you didn't even know was there. The problem with this all being said in high school is that my rad facts probably should be about me in high school. And I was not a cool guy in high school. I refuse to believe that, Anthony. Refuse. Also, Anthony, do you know what the people want? If you were a cool guy in high school, there's nothing I'd want to know about you. That's true. Yeah. Like, don't talk. Yeah. I founded my school's film club.

in high school. That's pretty real quick. We stayed after school and watched movies. Fuck, we would have been friends. Fuck, we would have been friends, dude. I would have been intimidated. Three of the four of us would have been friends with me. I liked movies in high school. No, no, no. You'd misunderstand. I would have fallen in love with you immediately and then completely pushed you away because I didn't know how to deal with that and I would have never talked to you ever again. Oh, we're so blessed to have met now. Yeah.

So when we last left you, you were on, I guess, your first mission as agents of the organization known as Daddy's, the department for the... I don't care. It doesn't matter. Come on. Give it to us one more time. It's our job. One more time. The department for the acquisition, destruction, deployment, and investigation of extra normal stuff. Daddy's for sure. And you had felt a surge of daddy magic that directed you to an incursion by the forces of the doodler. And that incursion took place at the...

San Dimas Elementary School, where you saw basically a bunch of kindergartners being forced to get into a computerized machine thing for a creature that was running on a treadmill. And it seemed like they were speed running to be the first person to get a million dollars quicker than anybody else who had speed runned.

As you entered this room, the doors slammed shut behind you and the creature running on the treadmill had turned to you and said speed running is life. So I have a question for the DM. When does Freddy's having to talk right now? Yes, I think it does. And how is that any different than what he normally does? Yeah.

Yes. So because of last episode, Taylor had tried to lockpick a door in the dungeon. And when you fail to lockpick a door, you get a curse. And Taylor's curse is that he has to speak whatever is going on in his mind. It says, I must think out loud for the entirety of the next adventure. Here we are on the next adventure. I feel like that's really our curse. Yeah. It's a group curse. I don't think Scary likes me very much. The runner on the treadmill is just in speed running his life. As she says that, you see...

a gremlin come out from behind the machine, a little knee-high gremlin, and it's adjusting knobs and tightening screws, and the runner goes, Tinker, Tinker, we got four new people trying to get a high score. I think they want to jump the queue. What do you think? And the Tinker's like, I don't care. As long as they get inside and get a million dollars, that's what the doula wants. That's what he shall get, or it shall get, they shall get. Whoa. We're not here to cut into any lines. We're actually here to... Normally you want to tell them that we're going to stop them? Normals already put on the invisibility ring I got last episode. Oh.

Okay, everything goes black. You can't see shit. Last episode, I got a ring that makes me invisible but also blind. So yes, normal has vanished. What did you do? What did you do with normal? Lincoln, relax. It's me, normal. I'm right here behind you.

I've got this ring on. It makes me invisible. He's put on an invisibility ring. No, no, no. All right, roll stealth with disadvantage, Will. That's a five. Your five does not cut it, and the runner extends an arm out in the direction of your voice, and it shouldn't be that gross. Yes, it should. Whatever it is, it should be that gross. Okay, well, then one of her veins just out of her wrist and just snakes towards you, and you can feel it, like, caressing your head and your face, and she goes, ah.

I know you're there. I know you're there. I know you're there. Uh, no, thank you. That's gross. Um, you can't hide from me. This is not a stealth only run. This is an any percent million dollars who wants to go first or together. Cooperative play is also encouraged. Whatever you like. I have some questions. Uh,

I take the ring off. Whoa. No, I'm just kidding. You can see her vein floating in front of you. Oh, that's gross. Yeah. Striking your head. What? Can you not? Like, we don't do this. Come on. This is jacked up. Like, this isn't okay. Like, you got a bunch of kids here. What the hell's going on? Did you guys say something about the doodler? The tinker looks at you and goes, yes, yes, the doodler. He or it or they who we do it all for. Yes, of course, the doodler. Are you also acolytes of he, they, it? We should play it cool here.

Hey, yeah. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Fourteen and a half. Three. The tanker goes, no, no, no. I would smell it on you if you were truly acolytes. No, no, my bluff didn't work. Well, then what are you doing? We hear that you're killing kindergartners. Both the tanker and the runner gasp. Killing? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're teaching them what all...

All kids need to know. They need to move fast. They need to move quick. And they need to get paid. And we are teaching them and getting them ready for the world in which they are about to grow into. We're just doing it a little bit faster. Gotta go fast. Gotta go fast. Aren't they dying at the end, though? They're finishing their runs. That's all. Are you official teacher? Do you have, like, accreditation or...

Anything? The runner says, of course, of course, look. And she points at a framed picture on the wall and you see a typical class photo that you might see in a kindergarten classroom of a woman and a bunch of kids. And that woman in the picture looks a lot like the woman running on the treadmill except human. Less veiny. Less veiny, more human, less wild eyes, less passion in her face. If I asked like,

my therapist to like fix this. Would she come fix it? Yeah. Well, like the accreditation and they just showed a picture of him with his other patients. I would be like, Oh yeah, I don't believe you. You think I got a job teaching at a kindergarten and they didn't check my bona fides? I mean, that's me in my class. Does she look like she's enjoying this? Like she's a, she's a part of this. Like, or is she like, she looks like a being controlled, dedicated teacher.

So here's the thing about Lovecraftian shit, and this is going to come up here a lot. The premise of like someone is so obsessed with this elder god or someone is so obsessed with this idea of chaos and stuff that they've been driven insane by it. Like that's inherently kind of problematic and that sucks. I'm sorry. Anthony, we literally watched an entire group of people like kill each other for Szechuan sauce because we're such big fans of.

Of Rick and Morty, dude. Of a cartoon, so I think we can understand. What it means to be driven beyond reasonable human bounds. So, okay, so what we'll do from now on is instead of saying that somebody's insane with passion or whatever, we'll just say they've got the sauce. The sauce.

So this woman, this teacher, clearly used to be normal, had a normal group of kids, and then at some point, she got the sauce real bad. Scary, maybe you're tough. Tell them what's up. You're the boss, remember? So yeah, go ahead and represent the group here. One, we never

ever agreed on that. I'm kind of anti-authority. I don't know if you could tell, but I'm just like, not somebody that you want in charge because I'm a little too radical. I thought if you were like anti-authority, that meant that you didn't want anyone else to be in charge. Well, that too. I don't think Scary's very good at all. I would be a better boss. Why am I... Everything that's coming through my head is coming through my mouth. Yeah.

Yeah, this is really kind of annoying. Yeah. Oh, my God. Boobs. Ah, whoa, wait, don't think about, ah, wait, ah. It's weird that he said that when he was looking at me. I gag myself in order to make sure that I don't say anything. Anyways, okay, all right, all right, thinking, thinking, but not thinking out loud like Taylor. Your badges vibrate, and you get a call from Agent May Hales who says, like, hey, are you on site? What's going on? Yeah, we're here. Yeah, we're on site. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, we're here. There's like a vain lady. I think she's a teacher. She's trying to make these kids like play a fucked up video game where they turn really old. And like, so what do we do? Did we just, I don't want them to die. Like, yeah. We just tell them to not do it. What do we do? Well, okay. So if they're innocent kids around first order businesses, ideally try to get the kids out alive and the current age that they were when they came into school. Guys, let's just pull the fire alarm. Okay.

I go and pull the fire alarm. Roll, I guess, dexterity to see if you can do that before the runner notices. How many kids are normal and how many are old? There are five 80-year-old looking ass kids and there are 10 normal kids lined up for the machine. Okay, and there's one kid on the machine? There's one kid in the machine who just got out of the machine and they're about to load another kid into the machine, but they haven't started it up yet. So I've pulled the fire alarm with a ha-ha motherfucker.

Fucker. 20. Natural 20 plus 1. 21. Oh, wow. Okay. So you pull the fire alarm. A really loud alarm plays as fire alarms do. Come on, let's go. Let's go. It's a fire alarm. You got to get outside. So the kids almost by muscle memory sort of stand up and do the thing where they all line up and they all get ready to walk outside. Or alphabetically, I don't remember which one. So if it's all by height, you can just look down the line from the front and you can see all of them. Because that way the call kids don't block the kids behind them.

Damn, Freddy, you should be a teacher. That's not bad. But anyway, the kids all line up and the runner is like, y'all lined up and nowhere to go. Go ahead and try that door, ding dong. Oh shit, that's right. I think we're locked in. Normal tries to open the door. It is locked. This is a fire code violation and you should know that fire alarms call the fire department. The brave heroes of the San Dimas Fire Department are gonna be here any minute now and they're gonna stop you from- 15 to 20 minute response time. The worst in the nation. Upon hearing that, it'll be 20 minutes until the fire department gets here. Why would you add fire?

That's a fire department. Sandima's is so bad. It's not my fault that we're underfunding our fire department. I don't know why Link is charping my nards for it. I had to sell candy bars for the dump fire department. Sorry, what? Yeah, like the baseball team. We were sponsored, but then they made us sell candy bars, which makes me wonder why we were sponsored. Anyway, that's why I don't play baseball anymore.

So the runner raises both of her hands and she goes, oh, 20 minutes in this world, perhaps. But once you're in the simulation, 20 minutes can feel like an absolutely infinite amount of time. And pop each of the veins from her hand, pop out of her skin. And all six of these veins start snaking towards you, seemingly intent on grabbing you. Freddy here, sir.

Any tempered glass on the mission. It's just made out of complete tempered glass. Like anywhere. What makes glass tempered? Anthony, I'll tell you 100%.

absolutely not there's no type of machine i thought it was like a computer or something imagine the fucking phone booth with a bunch of wires and shit coming out of it and a monitor on the front of it and a bunch of blinking lights and that's what the tinkered little gremlin is futzing with and all those lights and everything are plugged into the uh tread the peloton guys step one i think we gotta fuck up that machine and then we gotta fuck up this teacher so normal just takes a running charge at the machine to knock it over

Lincoln's going to take a running charge at the teacher the moment the tentacles come out. I'll let my minions do the work. Okay, so it sounds like we should actually be rolling initiative. Initiative. Woo!

Initiative rolls. 18 plus one, 19. 20 for initiative. Jeez Louise. Whoa. 18. Whoa. I got a one plus two, three. Nice. That makes sense. Gary's like chilling. I'm chilling, bro. Okay, so normal, you get to go first as you see these tendrils coming at you. Okay, I would like to take a running charge at this machine, this gizmo that they've been jacking people into and just kind of tip it over and break it. Go ahead and give me a strength check.

I got a three. Okay. Your back hurts. You lift it with your back, not with your legs. No. Rookie shit. Should have stretched. Oh.

Oh, that's bad. The little tinker is at your knees going, hee, hee, hee, hee, and is just slapping your shins. It's not doing any damage. It's just humiliating you, and it's going like, weak boy, weak boy, can't lift the thing. Taylor, your turn. I'm like, hey, that's our school mascot, and I'm going to just fucking punt this little guy as hard as I can. Just a kick. Just a real running kick. Go ahead and make a dexterity roll to see if you launch it. And I am aiming for right between the up guys. Hey, is the goblin's head made out of tempered glass? Yes.

Dexterity roll. Ooh, 13 plus one, 14. No matter what you were going to do damage to it. So go ahead and roll whatever your unarmed strike damage is. Unarmed strike.

It's just two. I don't even roll anything. It's just two. Great. You do two damage to the tinker. It gets launched across the room and hits the opposite wall and slides down and falls down to the ground, but it is no longer near the machine. You okay, Norm? No, I got to walk this off. Oh, I should have stretched. I should have stretched. Link, it is your turn. Link's going to grab what I'm sure there is probably a globe somewhere in this classroom as there are.

Yeah. So he's going to grab the globe and then kick it like a soccer ball at her face. That'll work. So you'll hit her in the face with it and that'll do whatever your damage, what's your damage supposed to be for this? Two. Okay, great. Yeah, but globe though. If it's one of the texture globes where the Himalayas are like bumpy. So it'd be a 2.00001 damage. 2.

to the fucking runner. Are you saying it's got like spiky mountains on it or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like some tectonic place of shift. It might be spiky, dude. We should do like a random country generator to see what country she gets hit in the face with. Yeah, and if it's a mountainous country, it does one extra damage. Random country, explore the world. Yemen. Not a lot of mountains in Yemen, I don't think. No, wait, is there? Yemen mountains. Yemen mountainous. Yeah, the Sarawak mountains are in Yemen. They're 9,800 feet. It's not that big. It's not that big.

It's not that big. Also, like, what you'd want to hit her is, like, the metal part of the globe. You'd want either the North Pole or the South Pole, guys. Like, I don't know what we're thinking about mountain ranges. Like, idiots. Oh, boy, who came up with that? Yeah, you're acting like

the braille lettering on the, like, the countries are going to kill somebody. So you do a whopping two damage. The goal is, like, whip her head back or, like, daze her or anything. Oh, if that's the case, then go ahead and give me a dexterity roll so we won't do any damage and we'll see if you can, like... Does it help that the Arabian leopard was reported seen in... Oh, yeah, it does. You get advantage. Yeah, you get advantage. I'm trying to, like, daze her because she's, like, sending tentacles at me. Okay. I mean, everybody, but...

What'd you get? Sounds like a natural one. Sounds like a bad roll, Matt. Looking at your face looks like a bad roll. It's a four. Okay. But my dexterity is a plus three, so. Oh, okay. Still nothing. It's a one. It's a one. It's a one. It's a one, baby. Okay, so you fall flat on your ass. You completely fail to kick the thing. Your dreams of potentially being on the soccer team are quickly running away from you.

You fall straight onto your back, you take a d4 of damage. The globe lands in front of me and I see Honolulu and I'm like, I wish I was back in Hawaii on vacation with my dad. My foot hurts.

It is now the runner's turn. So the runner is going to extend her veiny tentacles and try to grab each of you because she is not distracted and can reach all four of you. So everybody give me a dexterity saving throw. Six plus three, nine. I got a natural 20. Oh, that's nice. I got a 10. I mean, I'm on the ground. That makes sense. I also had a 10. Everybody except for normal.

The tentacles encircle you and grab you and constrict you tight. I would like to say that because I got a natural 20, normal's doubled over with back pain, and then he felt the slither of the tentacle, and it freaked him out, so he jolted straight up, and it fixed my back. Like you self-chiropracted? He's like, ooh, ooh, there it is.

All three of you, not normal, are grappled, which means that your speed is zero. You can't benefit from any bonus to your speeds. You can't move. And now that you're all grappled, the runner is going to go, and now it's time for a trio's race to get to a million dollars. Check it out, everybody. Watch this, watch this. And then you start getting pulled over to the machine, which sort of unfurls

its walls sort of fold down and welcome you, and three bright lights appear in the center of this unfolded machine, and you can feel it beckoning to you. So next turn, if you are not released from her grapple, you will be thrust forcibly into this simulation. Dude, this sucks. This reminds me of something. I really shouldn't be talking about the ones that it reminds me of, though.

Scary. I don't like this. I didn't talk about that. Scary, it is your turn. I'm going to cast Unseen Servant. This spell creates an invisible, mindless, shapeless, medium force that performs simple tasks at your command until the spell ends. The servant springs into existence in an unoccupied space on the ground within range as AC 10, one hit point, and it can't attack.

And then if it drops to zero hit points, the spell ends. Once on each of your turns is a bonus action, you can mentally command the servant to move up to 15 feet and interact with an object. The servant can perform simple tasks that a human servant could do, such as fetching things, cleaning, mending, lighting fires, serving food, and pouring wine. I feel like there's just a kid at this school that fucking has a crush on you that just follows you around everywhere and you just get to follow.

I cast friend zone. I pull into the nether realm of friendship and I pull him out and have him do my bidding. And he thinks I'm a bitch. It's going to be like, yeah, like a cool, like animal. Sure. It's an iguana. Definitely. And it's like goth and its name is goth. And it can do human stuff. So it's like a humanoid iguana.

It's G-E-O-T-H. I mean, it can do human stuff, but it's just an iguana. And it's going to light. If you have that anymore, that makes as much sense as a child that just followed us this whole time here. I mean, it's not he follows you the whole time. He's appearing out of nothing. I'm just saying. And it is going to light the machine on fire. I tried to help you. I tried to help you. I tried to help you. No, it doesn't. Why? But it's so funny.

It said things like light fires. Which presumes that there are things around for it to light a fire. Can a human being with no tools whatsoever just go to the thing and go, fire! With a butane lighter! He doesn't have a butane lighter. I got a butane lighter in my go bag front

I'm going to see if I can get the lighter to goth. You already spent an action to cast this thing. But you could use a bonus action to tell him to go get the lighter. Yeah, that's what I'll do. You know what? Here's what I'll do. I will let you roll persuasion or intimidation, any social thing. And if you roll well enough, then you'll instruct him to both get the lighter and then do something with the lighter. So you're a nice pet owner or an abusive pet owner? It's all going to depend on what I have more in.

Okay, they're both the same. Both a plus one. Roll them bones. Come on, Beth. You're trying to beat a 15. I love Gothel Iguana. 14. Plus one, right? Plus one. I got a 15.

Yeah, baby! D, D in the shell! I said you have to beat a 15, but you were so happy that I would just give it to you. I can't take that away from you. What you didn't see is me literally tripping over my own hand somehow where I dropped the dice before I could roll it, and I was upset with myself, and I was like, oh, 14. So yeah, it was actually a really inspiring moment. Yeah, then I'll give it to you. So I'm like, hey, goth. And he goes, yes, my love. Ha ha ha!

Okay, I'm going to use my one. We did talk out loud. That's why for the world, I need to know. Yeah, it talked out loud. Okay. It's iguanasized, but it does talk out loud and it has the strength and abilities of a human, including speech. Anthony, can I also ask the iguana to not call me love or is that another bonus action? No, you can do that one for free. That one's free.

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

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See store for details.

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Hey, goth. Okay. I need you to get the lighter out of Taylor's go bag and then like light the machine thing on fire and then like try to prevent anybody from putting the fire out. You can't just, just give them the scary iguana goth look, you know, the one. So he goes, I can do the first two of those things. I will do them right now. That's what made me almost maybe fall in love with you someday. Keep trying. Okay.

You see his pupils dilate huge and he goes, I just gotta wear it down. I just gotta wear it down. So Goth the friendzone iguana crawls over to... Poor iguana's not gonna sleep all night. Crawls over to the go bag that Taylor dropped and he's gonna search it for the lighter.

He finds it in the front pocket. He finds the butane lighter and puts it in his mouth and like pauses for a moment to look at Scary like, look, I did it. I did it. Do you like me yet? And then he's going to walk back. I feel like he's got enough movement to do both of these. Fuck it. Gordo's got fast motherfuckers. Yeah. And he's going to raise one of his sticky fingers and try to. Taylor said that out loud.

out loud. That was Taylor. That was Taylor. Taylor's thinking, like, because Taylor's seeing it happen in front of him, you know? It's one of those things where the camera is, like, on the iguana and, like, moving with the iguana and you're just in the background and you're just like, wow, what a fast motherfucker. What's great about this is that I'm, like, literally staring at D&D Beyond, which, why would I ever? But, um, like, it says an invisible, mindless, shapeless force and that, yes, that is, that is

It's like that, but the opposite of all of those things. But I like to think that, like, yearning is that. A mindless, invisible, shapeless force that is friend zone. I was going to make fun of Freddie, but iguanas do go 21 miles per hour. And then I Googled average teen speed, and that's total 14 miles per hour. So iguanas are faster than us. We clocked the teen boy at 35 miles an hour. The average teen. Ha ha.

Say it again. We have a teen boy. So if we're 30 feet, they're like 25. Yeah, they get like 40 feet of range. Don't move. The teen's vision is based on movement. Careful, that iguana's twice as fast as a teen. So Goth, with the butane lighter in its mouth, crawls back to the machine, which doesn't have the tinker protecting it. So it's going to, with its iguana mouth and iguana hand, sticky iguana hand, going to try to activate this butane lighter. Ooh.

Oh, we got a 19. Oh my God. So our fucking iguana smokes weed and you can't tell me otherwise. You tell me he knows how the fucking butane lighter works right from the jump. This is a weed smoking iguana, dude. How did this iguana become the most three-dimensional character in our fucking campaign so far? Best character was hiding in iguana and it's a weed smoking iguana. No, it's a magical iguana. It wasn't around the whole time, was it?

- Wait, or was it? - Yeah. - I don't think so. - Oh no, it just showed up now? - I mean, yeah, you all have magic. - Yeah, she summoned the iguana. - You don't have to like contextualize your magic as things you've always done. You just have daddy magic. - It's her OC, dude. - Oh, we got daddy magic, all makes sense. - The iguana expertly flicks the butane lighter on and starts to burn through one of the wires leading from the machine to the treadmill.

By the end of its next turn, if nothing is done to it, it will successfully burn through. Let's say there are four wires that need to be burned through in order to actively disable this machine. At the end of its next turn, it'll successfully burn through one of those. Normal, it is your turn. Are the wires plugged into anything?

The wires go from the treadmill to the machine. I go up to the treadmill and I want to bash it so that the speed goes way up so she goes flying off of it. Okay, like the controls? You want to hit the controls? Yeah, is this like a NordicTrack or whatever? Yeah, NordicTrack did have that thing where it made people old a few years ago. LAUGHTER

I remember that in the TV app. So as you look at the controls for this thing, initially it looks like a Nordic track, but then you start to sort of see like the letters. Nordic track comes back in a big way in the 2040s. It's the new Peloton. The letters are sort of morphing in front of your eyes and don't quite make a lot of sense. It's like when you're in a dream and you look at a digital clock. It's like when you're trying to make an Ikea cabinet. Am I right? Oh my God. But the numbers are changing and the letters are changing in front of you and it's beginning to make you nauseous just to look at them. Does it have the magnet thing that you pull just to stop it? No, it doesn't. Damn.

Damn. Dude, that's a safety feature that all terminals need to have. This is obviously a magic word. Hold up. I can read in dreams. Is that normal? We don't actually need to answer that. He's just saying his thoughts out loud. Yes, that was Taylor thinking his thoughts out loud, not Freddy wondering about something about his own. I've never read in a dream. That's wild. I have tried to read in dreams, but I can't. At any rate, normal starts mashing buttons on the panel. Go ahead and roll. I guess this is just luck. Just roll a D20. Just roll a D20 mode.

So I rolled a 19, which means I hit whatever the second best button is. Okay, so you wanted to make it go faster, you said? Yeah, I wanted to make it go so fast that she'd go flying off of it. You managed to hit the faster button on it. I'm going to have her roll to see if she can keep up. So she got a six.

So it's beginning to go too fast for her and she stumbles a little bit and her knee hits the treadmill tread and it skins some of her knee like real bad. Like more than it should. I'm not gonna describe too much but more than it should. And she takes a D8 of damage. So I'm gonna roll a D8 for her.

So it took a lot of damage. She's jumping on one leg now. Like it just takes her leg clean off. - What? - Oh my God! - And she's, yeah. - Did she lay off? - Yes, I rolled a D8 and basically what I'm doing is like, oh, I wanted to balance this to be like a normal D&D combat, but for four level one characters. And I put that into Kobold Fight Club and it gave me an imp and an imp has 10 HP. And I said, yeah, sure. Stumbling on this thing causes her to lose a D8 of damage. She took seven damage.

So she has less than a half of her health left from this one fuck up. So yeah, she stumbles, her knee goes down, hits the treadmill tread and it was like just with one big pull yanks her entire right leg off. And now she's jumping one leg. So does it look like she's like deteriorated? Like her like body's weak or like, yeah, it takes it off way too easily. Yeah. That's what I was trying. Okay. Okay. She is emaciated. People who are on the sauce have a sort of like their,

Their eyes are sunken a little bit. Their wild eye looks like they haven't slept in a long time. Their eyes look like little squiggles. Oh, my God. No. They burp a lot. They constantly have a little bit of juice on their lip. Do you think our dads are going to be proud of us if we kill a teacher? Yeah, probably not. Normal's kind of freaking out. This was way gorier and rowdier than he thought. He thought this was going to be a fun comedy thing. And he was like, oh, no, no.

Oh, God, no! Taylor, it is your turn. As a ranger and as a tiefling ranger, I was thinking, you know, as far as races go, having a half-demon sort of thing is kind of cool. Thaumaturgy has some interesting effects. Are there any unlocked anythings in this room? Unlocked anythings. Because I can cause an unlocked door or window to fly open. There's like the cubby with all the nap mats in it. Oh, man. Do you know what I mean? Like all those mats are stacked up in there. If you pop that door open, maybe those mats will fall.

You could also, if you wanted to, hold your turn until something happens. Like, if you think Link or Scary will be able to get you out of this situation, then you can say, I hold my turn until they do it. Let me struggle and pull my everyday carry pocket knife, which I keep in my pocket and my mom didn't frisk me.

Whatever, dick. Go ahead. I said I'm a prepper team. What if you got a belt knife? Roll dexterity. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got a cool belt knife where I grab it with my knuckles. Your mom would have seen that and taken that from you. Well, I grab my sword cane and then I...

So I believe that you have a flick knife. What are the odds of a teenage boy having a cane and there's not a sword in it? If you saw him on the street with a cane, like, there's a sword in that cane. I own the cane sword. Wait, wait, wait. I appreciate an entire scene happening last episode where we go through your mom making sure you have no weapon. That's the whole point of the scene. And then you go like, but I have.

EDC stands for bro. Everyday carry. You don't put it in your bag, which means if you carried it every day, your mom would probably know about that. And I like have you not carry it with you, bro. The amount of things that your mom rolled dexterity. See if you can get your everyday carry knife out of your pocket. Also, I owned a cane sword in high school.

And not like a cool, like, I'm a Victorian man, like a Zadawichi cane sword. Do you want to know why? I absolutely know I would have been friends with Anthony. It's Anthony, motherfucker. I own the cane sword too, baby. I kept it in the top drawer of my bedroom. That doesn't mean you guys would have been friends. That means you guys would have been mortal enemies. One or the other. One or the other. Guaranteed. I know. I know. I would have been friends with neither of you because I had a staff that I carved myself and then carved elvish words in.

No, no, no. You would have definitely been friends with me because my friend Yuli currently owns a staff that's got his name carved into it in Elvish and we were friends in high school. He sounds cool as hell. He is cool as hell. 18 plus one, 19. You piece of shit. All right, you get the everyday carry knife out of your pocket. All of my preparations finally beginning to pay off. My preparation, putting a knife in my pocket. Oh, yeah.

All right, go ahead. All right, so I'm going to try and use it to wiggle my way out. Give me a strength check to see if you can slash through these vines. Got it. Those are fucking cheap ass. Cheap ass? Oh, yeah. Pocket knives are horrible. Yeah, you're a kid. Six plus one, seven. So, yeah, you hack at the veins, but it's just chipping into the veins. It's not doing any real damage. Your efforts are in vain, one might say. One might say it. Link, it's your turn. Can I first do a history check before? Okay. I don't know if that has action. I want to know if I know this teacher. Okay.

I'm a grants librarian and I feel like fellow parents and whatnot. Go ahead and roll history. And if you do well, then you get to determine what that history is. 16, but my history is plus four. So that's a 20. Jeez Louise. Okay. So yeah. What do you want your history to be? So what's the teacher's name? This teacher's name is Mrs. Nerfly. That was given to us by Paige Havener. Thank you, Paige. That's a very good name. Her full name is Sponch Nerfly. Sponch Nerfly? Mrs. Nerfly. Mrs. Nerfly. Okay. Then I'm going to talk to Mrs. Nerfly.

Wait, Mrs. Nerfly, what are you doing? This is, hey, it's Lincoln. You know me. You know my father, Grant. He's the librarian, remember? You were writing all those Bernstein Bears books, and we talked about how they're really old-fashioned and kind of boring morals and really old-fashioned, and we turned you on to the bluey stuff, the bluey books, and you loved them, and you...

Come on. What are you doing? Okay. Roll persuasion. What would Bluey the Australian Cattle Dog do? Oh my God. That's how I live right now, Will. Yeah. Why are a bunch of adults watching Bluey? Because it's good. Because I've got a nephew. This is Lincoln talking. It's good. Okay. 12 plus...

- Plus zero. - So she says, it's pronounced Berenstain. And her eyes get bigger and bloodshot. - No, that was after their son shifted and went back to Steve. - They went back to Steve, you know what, you're right. She goes, good pronunciation. No, fuck you. You don't understand. The things they've taught you in school, everything that you've learned, it's all lies and none of it fucking matters. What matters is this. And she points at the treadmill and she points at the kids and she points all around her. This, the stuff we're doing right now. - Is there a way to like,

find out mayhaps a role, if you will. Is there a way to find out if this person can be saved? I suppose you could try to, if you had her...

you could do like an arcana check because it seems like whatever's gotten to her is magical in some way. You could probably be able to tell like, and leave probably knows that that's not her normally. Right. Cause he knows. Yeah. Yeah. You saw Mrs. She had her job like this entire time. She was just like, I'll tell her, I'll be like, guys, like this is like, like I just saw her like a couple of days ago. She's a really nice lady. This isn't her. This is yeah. That checks out.

Well, no, I don't know these other two people. These other two, this goblin person and this other adult. They're horrible. Kick the goblin. I'm going to kick her. Okay. So that was your whole turn, Link. It is now Mrs. Nerfly's turn. She puts the three of you into the machine. Instantly, you feel like fucking Akira. The wires from the machine...

slink up and they like plug themselves into your arms and back your neck and into your eyes. Instantly, the three of you are teleported to the womb.

You're all separately in your own parallel simulations. And you hear Mrs. Nerfly from outside the amniotic fluid from outside this universe saying like, okay, so the thing about this particular part of the speedrun is it's kind of boring. It's kind of an unskippable cutscene. So I modded it a little bit. So we're just going to skip right to the part where they can at least start talking. So here you go. I'm so comfortable in here. All that comfort, all that safety. You exit your wound. No! Strength check. Strength check. Strength check to see if you can stay in the womb.

Got six. Yeah, now they pull you out. Dang, I'll just become a podcaster when I grow up. Taylor, as it fast forwards, give me a perception check. Perception. Oh, shit. Because Taylor's got like a demon wound. Five. Five. Darn. You see two forms, two male forms that you have never seen before. Well, you don't see your mom. You're coming out of your mom. But two men. Coming out of my mom. And I've been feeling just fine. I quit! I quit!

You're all suddenly infants. This is our life. This is your life. With normalcy. Yeah, normalcy is three people hooked into the machine, their eyes closed, and they're like kind of convulsing as a bunch of sensation goes through their body. You're basically getting plugged into like a mini matrix. So the three of you as infants are together in a little play date while your parents are all hanging out and talking. Amongst all the parents that you've maybe recognized from a distance at school or whatnot, you also see a very...

handsome man in what seems to be a suit. He's in a really nice suit. And he's talking to somebody that seems to be like, not a lot, but like a little bit on fire and not too bothered by it. And they're talking to your mom. Do I see grandma or do I see my biological parents? Oh gosh, I forgot you're adopted. Actually, why don't you roll perception, Link?

I mean, there's a lot going on. So that's a four plus two. That's a six. So you see something bathed in darkness when you exit the womb, a non-space where you think your dad might be. And then there's a big blank spot in your memory. And then the next thing you know, you're playing with this group of people and you see Marco and Grant, the real fathers.

In this moment, you hear Miss Nerfly say, all right, let's start the timer. And all of you see in your vision, in like the upper right-hand corner of your vision, a timer start counting up from zero. And you see on the bottom right corner of your vision, a dollar sign and then...

So she goes, okay, let's see if they can get out of here faster than the previous best score for getting to a million dollars. I'm putting it on the line. I'm saying everybody gets to go back to the original age. I'm doing it. I believe in these kids. I think I could do it. The best time we had prior to this, the current WR is 32 years, two months, three days, 12 hours, 34 seconds. So if you can get to a million dollars, any of you before then, I buy $4 of Doge coin, right? When it came out, how do you tell your parents to do that? Uh,

You can also at any point fast forward to another part of your life where you're more capable of doing things. I've already beat this. Oh no. This is just replaying our lives. If I just fast forward to the point where right before I get put into the machine, it's an infinite loop. Wait, why is it looping though? Oh, I see what he's saying. At some point, I'm going to become a teen. And at some point, this teen is going to get put into this thing. And then...

In your memory, you're going to go into another matrix within a matrix. You're going to go into the simulation. You're actually time traveling. No, you're not actually time traveling. But what he's saying still makes sense, though, because it's working off of his memories. It's basically, you're in a simulation that is built primarily off of your memory. So what Freddy, unfortunately, has correctly pointed out is that you'll keep going into the same simulation over and over and over again by the time you're a teen. You built in a time loop for us, man. I did. I did. I play the fucking Powerball every time.

Every time, because I hit this loop infinitely, I play every combination of the fucking Mega Millions. I tell my mom, like, the week before, I'll just fucking buy a scratch or whatever. I'll play the lottery over and over again until I win. Okay. Is it actually a simulation of our actual life? Because that would imply that we could never get older than...

than this. It's a simulation of your life that you can diverge from in order to try and get a million dollars. All these other kids that you saw, they were not as smart as you. Cause they're fucking baby teens. Yeah, cause I guess they're babies. So they're like, no, well, I guess I'll just try to like go to school. I'll focus on this other stuff and try to be a, go to school. They're going to school. They're trying to do STEM careers and shit like idiots. Yeah, I absolutely just, I wait until I'm old enough. I know what stupid meme coin means.

popped at some point and I buy one that's .00001 I buy a couple dollars of it well I guess the question is how much money does it take to buy dogecoin at it's like cheapest you research that while I talk about what happens with the future so I don't buy dogecoin I buy sure you buy something else I buy daddy's coin because my mix of coin of our podcast

You buy a coin based on a podcast? I am going to make daddy's coin right now in this world. Okay. What I do is I do two loops. The first loop, I just remember some mega lottery winning thing at some point. Okay. You just memorize the number. I just memorize the number. And then the second loop, I buy the tickets for that or have my mom buy some tickets for that. Does Taylor have to relive every agonizing second of his life over and over and over again to do this? I'm fast forwarding through that shit, bro. And also my life rules. Oh, okay.

Like, I'm slowing down briefly to just re-experience all the good parts. Yes, whenever you fast forward, you're basically looking at your body. Like, the one time I scored one, like, on the t-ball game where I managed to connect with it once. Like, that moment, like, ooh, that's still good every time. Roll persuasion to see if you can persuade your mom to buy you, in the second loop, a lottery ticket. Mom, can you buy a lottery ticket? I know what numbers are winning. All right, roll five. No. Well, you're going to regret this. I'll just ask you next go around. No.

All right. How old are you when you ask this? The age at which I can remember numbers and speak. So probably like somewhere in the range of five to six years old. Five to six. Okay. So that's 12 years you've already wasted. No, but you said I could fast forward it, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like fast forwarding doesn't not turn the time around. No, that's fair. That's fair. So you're 12 years. So go ahead and roll again. Yeah, baby. 91.

All right. You got to ask like on your birthday or something. So you get advantage on the roll. That would have been good. That's a good point. But alas, 18 years. So go ahead and try again if you want to. I'm going to do it on the birthday. All right. So on your 13th birthday, you want a Powerball with the exact numbers that you're going to specify. Yes. Wait, do all of us have to find a hack like this? No, no. You don't all have to. Ah!

I got an 11. Beth May here just Googling list of biggest class action lawsuits. That's great. Okay, so that failed. So you got 12 plus 13. And also, by the way, each one of these times, the day after, my mom's like, what? I should have done it. Yeah.

Every single time. On the day of, she's like, I didn't do that because I didn't want to teach you that gambling is a way to victory. And also like it ruins our relationship. Could you imagine if your kid went up to you and gave you like the $300 million winning Powerball numbers in multiple realities? That would fuck you up. You'd be in therapy for that. Yeah. She spent the rest of her life and yours resenting herself and being terrified of you. It's just a simulation. It's just a simulation. But you are feeling all this.

So 25. One more of these loops and you will have not beaten the original time. I had such a foolproof fucking method. Yeah, you did. So you get one more roll of trying that if you want to try them. And if that doesn't work, we'll go to the other two. Okay. Persuasion? Is this all happening like in the span of a second? Yes, from your perspective, this is just like happening. Okay, all right. Fucking another natural one! Oh my God. What the fuck?

Can we loop back to the beginning of this podcast so that Freddie can take another question? What the fuck? I literally, just 11s and 1s. I'm looking at my screen right now. It's persuasion check, 11. Persuasion check, 11. Persuasion check, 1. It's just 1s on my fucking screen. And as your mother points out to you, that's why you don't gamble. Mom!

Normal. As you are watching Taylor try to do this loop over and over and over again to get a million dollars. Just my brows so furiously furrowed. His brows furrowed, sweat's pouring down him, and you see him instantly age 12 years. And then you see him instantly age another 12 years. And you instantly see him age another 12 years. So Taylor's timer goes over 32 years. It's in a three-way split screen, and a big red X appears on Taylor's screen, and she goes, ooh.

What a shame. What a shape. Taylor looked like he had a really good strat there. Some new strats that we hadn't seen before, but it turns out it just didn't quite work. It's bad RNG in that run. Sorry, Taylor. It's not my fault my mom sucks. So let's look at Lincoln Scary. What's going on there? So, either of you, do you have any plans for how to make a million dollars before you turn 32? Ha ha!

Yeah, I bought Dogecoin. So you bought Dogecoin. Oh, I bought an NFT. What was it? Make it funny. Improvise something that's funny and then put that into the gameplay. It was fart coin. Yeah, fart coin. And it got up to $69. Yeah.

Wait, it only got up to $69? Yeah, on May 20th. 420, hashtag, fuck yeah. May 20th would be 520. And it started at $8.00000000D, so it looks like a dick when you spell it out. And it was so funny. Wait, $8.0000D is just $8? That's just $8? 8 equals D. That's $8.

That's why it was confusing the people. This stock's going all the way up to eight equals, equals, equals, equals, equals, D, tilde, tilde, tilde, tilde. Tilde, smiley face, winky, winky eggplant. So I bought that. Okay. At what age did you buy enough to make a million dollars? If it's going from eight to 69. How did you get the money to buy? How did you get the money to invest? What do you mean? What do you mean? You don't get that, Saul. You don't.

a fucking credit card? Yeah. That's part of the challenge of this. You don't get to act like this is the dumbest shit in the world even though it is. You still have to strategize and roll for it. This is like how do you buy something at the store? What do you mean? Because you're a kid. You're going to invest enough in fart coin to make a million dollars even if you know the rate of return. You have to have enough money as capital. Let's see. Okay.

Did somebody run the numbers on how much you'd have to invest if it went from $8 to $69? No, it didn't go from $8 to $69. It went from .000000008 to $69, which is, it went from boob. No, you said $8. The balls start on the left if you're making a dick with a D, and you know that. You know that. You can't try to take it away. No.

It's not backwards. It's $8. The whole plan was to invest like a dollar. If you invested like $100 in Dogecoin right when it started. You need 14,492 or 15,000 coins. And that will be worth a million. Well, then the plan's not there because the point was that I would spend $100. I've got a plan. Okay, normally you see Link aging up to 32 years as he tries to find a way to make. I only did like five years.

Matt really got fucked on his turn. I didn't drive for 32 years. Once my Dogecoin situation, like most people, did not work out. I say, you know what?

I'm just going to be a librarian and just read some books. And I guess this is just where I am now. You know, this is stressful. I think I just spend my time reading poetry and reading books. Here's what happened. I just gave up. You stop fast forwarding and you just live in the moment and you like the inner light from Star Trek. Just 40 more years of your life. You meet somebody, you fall in love with them. You have a

kid. You watch the kid grow up and resent you. I watched American soccer become finally as good as European soccer. It's incredible. You live a wonderful life. My plan is perfect. You guys are just fucking me. No, my plan is good. I've got a plan. What's your plan? Save us, please. Okay, so when Scary is 15...

She sees like an incident in a self-driving vehicle where like the air bag like comes out and like discharges when there's no crash or whatever. So in her loop around, she sits in the driver's seat, gets hit by the air bag and

like in the chest, therefore sues the self-driving vehicle company for like injury and then also sexual harassment. - Okay, first of all, roll to see if you can persuade the person driving this car to let you sit in the driver's seat. 'Cause this is presumably not somebody you know. - I got a 16. - How do you convince them to let you in? 'Cause you do it successfully. - I'm just like, hey, can I drive your car? - And that works. - I'll give you a cigarette.

It's a retro one. The ones that, like, there's no vape. Okay, so this is a... It kills you just straight up. You find a 16-year-old, very irresponsible driver, and you ask them to sit in their car, and you give them a cigarette. And so, as you predict it, or as you saw, the airbag inflates. You get hurt. It breaks your... Let me roll.

Four. So it breaks a lot of stuff. Breaks your collarbone, breaks your shoulders. I broke my boob. Your boob is broken and you sue. And you want to sue for a million dollars? I mean, I would probably sue for more, but sure, let's say a million dollars. Now that you've saved this other person, you've changed death's design.

And now death is hunting down the other person to reset the course like in Final Destination. Damn, that's actually pretty cool. The other person is probably like a weird, dumb politician all about like tort reform now. LAUGHTER

You're going to sue them for negligence and for sexual harassment. And each of those, you're trying to sue them for a million dollars. So let's roll persuasion. Wait, roll first to see the quality of lawyer you get. Ooh, that's a good idea. Yeah, I guess your parents could invest in a good lawyer, and then that'll give you advantage or disadvantage. I have a six lawyer. Not a great lawyer. Yeah. But you still got a case. So you just got to roll normally. So you're going to roll first for negligence. Okay. Come on.

Fuck yes, I got a 19. Oh shit. Okay, so with negligence. Roll for damages. You get inspiration for that. Thank you. That's good. Roll for sexual harassment just because. Two. That's right. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. That's a stretch. That's fair. I think that's fair. How much money did you get? She got a million dollars. Well, the average lawyer would take 40% of that. Oh, I can ruin everybody else's plan too. You should have thought that before, Beth.

Can't take it back. Can't take it back when you're making a joke. 8-0-0-0-D. $8. So you are 17 years old and you have $600,000. $600,000.

How do you get $400,000 more? I guess that's the season. I guess we all work to ruin each other's plans. I pay an elderly, grizzled musician by the name of Billie Eilish to help me produce a single, and then it goes to hell of viral, and I make millions. Roll performance. God damn it.

Come on. I got an 18. Yeah! What's the song? What's the song? Beth, we have to hear some of the song. Yes, is it Butthole Ricochet? What's the song? Butthole Ricochet, yes. And then the lyrics are... My boyfriend was a scorpion slut. I wanted to call him. Now I don't know what I'm gonna do. He's a scorpion. I didn't want to date a scorpion.

He turned into a scorpion and now I'm just a scorpion slug or my scorpion slug. And then there's another thing that's like, that was the sound that the pincher makes, you know, the thing with the poison that scorpions have. The backup singer goes, stinger! Stinger. But it's romantic. He's really put me through the ringer. Ringer. Yeah.

I'm just picturing a Billie Eilish song with that moody vibe. And then apparently the guy from the B-52s. And then Mark just goes, Scorpion. Watch out, everybody, because here comes a scorpion. And we were stinging and pinching in the scorpion's rot.

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See store for details. Mrs. Nerfly looks at your score as the other two. As the royalties roll in. Yeah, the royalties roll in. You get 7 trillion hits on Spotify and you make 6,000. As Scorpion Slut takes the billboards by storm, your money goes from 600,000, well, it went down to 400,000.

to pay off Billie Eilish. And then by the end of your first month, you are a multimillionaire. You have $10 million at the bank and you're not even 25 yet. Mrs. Sterfley goes, oh my God, oh my God, that is a record. I can't believe it. I can't, I...

This is what the sauce is all about. That speed. Yeah. Get him out. Get him out. And she presses a button on her treadmill. I made a promise. I told you that once the record was beat, you would all go back to normal. So Mrs. Nerf Lee is nothing if not a woman of her word. So Tinker, do it. And the Tinker grabs the knobs on the machine and dials them all the way back. And your age is... And you go back to the ages that you were...

before you got into the machine. I go, suck it, kindergartners. We won. The prods and the plugs and stuff like that release you from the machine and you are free from the machine and back in this life again. Where's my Chris? Where am I? Mrs. Durfley goes, oh, she was never real. He was never real. Nothing was real. It was all simulation in your mind, but you did such a good job. Well, not you. I had children. Wow.

I need to call my stupid mom. Link forgot he was in a simulation. He became convinced that it was a dream. You're back in reality and you don't have a family anymore. But, Scary, you did it successfully. Congratulations. You four are free to leave. And the doors open up. Oh, no. We're not going to. We got to stop.

you. Yeah, can you not? I feel like this entire time normal has been ineffectually tugging on the power cord for the machine and has finally unplugged it the second you guys got out of the simulation. It was bad that you're killing kids in the first place, but I gotta say

becoming a father, you really begin... Oh my god. Oh my god, Matt. Even all the kindergartners are like, oh my god. The old kindergartners are like, I can't stand here and watch you hurt young children. So we gotta... I'm scared, but we're gonna stop. We're gonna beat you up. Has it been 15 minutes? Has it been 15 minutes? Yeah. The fire department's coming. Oh, you're right.

Man, I thought my life sucked before, but now I know it really sucks because then I got this image of my life when I was a millionaire, and now I just feel doubly bad and doubly angsty. How'd you get a million dollars? Oh, it's a long story. I'm a fucking lawyer.

And Scary says fucking lawyer so loud and then like adjust her collar and just like tries to look really cool. So, yeah, in that moment, the San Dimas fire department, they would kick open the door, but the door's just open. And so they rush in with axes and fire extinguish and they go, what's what's going on? And they see Mrs. Nerfley running on the treadmill with one leg and they go, oh, my God, we got to get you to an ambulance. We got to take you to a paramedic. And they see the old kids. I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, God. Every all these kids need to go to a hospital. This is horrible.

And they start grabbing the kids and just taking them out to the ambulance. Is there anything you want to do or are you just going to let them take it from here? Well, the adults are here. Hey, Mr. Flea, look, is there any way we can un-age these kids? Like, we de-aged. Can't we de-age the kids? Come on. Hey, Tinker, do it. What do the firefighters say when they see the Tinker? I'm going to actually give them a roll to see if they notice the Tinker. 14. So they see the Tinker and they think it's just a weird, gross toy or something. But this is...

I mean, you never had that kid in a toy. What happened to that baby Yoda? Yeah, exactly. Mrs. Nerfley says, like, the power must go to the Besheed, and the Tinker must de-age you manually from the outside. And that's the last thing she says is they pull her out to go to the paramedics. Who's, like, the lead firefighter? Probably the tallest one. I approach the tallest firefighter. I say, Norma Loke, I'm with daddies. These kids are with us. We need to de-age them. So just give us one moment here while we wrap this up. All right, roll persuasion. That's so good.

Dude, that was copying. I got a natural. Wait, wait, wait. You got that rewrote. You got that rewrote. You got that inspiration. Yeah. You can spend it on this if you want to. Burn it. Burn it, baby. Burn it. Burn it. Burn it. Are you guys ready? Yeah. I got a six. Five. You know what it is? It's that mascot costume. Yeah. You're still in the mascot costume. And I'm like, yeah, normal oak. I'm with daddy. So we've got an operation here. Situation's already been secured, gentlemen. So he pats you on the head and goes, uh.

That's great, kid. And he peeks into the mouth and he says, you're not hurt. No, you're good. You can go home. But yeah, no thanks, man. We got it. Whoever pulled the fire alarm, good job. Good idea. And they just start taking the kids out. That was me. Sir, like, I mean, have you...

Look at these, yeah. Yeah, can you fix that? Look at these Akira babies. Yeah, do you know how to fix, like, I'm telling you, just, you know, give us one kid. Let's just, let's give it. What? Just give us a try. Just put one kid on the machine and it'll fix it. What's the worst that could happen? Okay, so first roll perception before you see if what you said affected them or not.

Yep. Got a 17. As you're saying this, so you rolled a 17 perception. You see in the face of the fireman of the very tall fireman that he's alarmed. He thinks the kids are hurt here, but he doesn't seem to be behaving as if anything like crazy extra normal is happening. There's something in his eyes that says like, this is bad, but this is just another day on the job. He's not freaking out in the way that a normal person would be upon seeing the scene. If I could tell that they didn't think it was normal, uh,

I'd probably ask instead. Sir, what do you think is wrong with those kids? Oh, I mean, it's just something that happens to kids. Like, you know, it's exhaustion or it's too much time online. They're probably dehydrated. They've come down with poster syndrome. No, they literally look like they're 80. They're going to die. They look like they're 80, 100 years old. I mean, they may look that way to you, but I'm sure once we get some water in them. Yeah. 30 blades of touchable grass. Stats.

Yeah, once we get them a little time outside, you know, get away from the internet a little bit, I think they'll be right as rain. You'll see. I searched for clothes in the area.

Okay. I would say that you probably find some spare soiled shorts and a shirt from some kid who vomited on himself once. All right. I run around the corner. I take off the mascot outfit, and I put on the... Because I said I'm only in my tighty-whities underneath. But this guy has not seen my face because I'm... True. You are a high schooler going to put on kindergarten-sized clothes. I got to make it work, right? All right. Can I try something? Yeah. So we just have magic, right? Okay.

Okay. I'm going to thrill it is to play Dungeons and Dragons with Daryl Wilson again.

I go, you, sir, someone's going out. It's not normal. Watch here. Here, check this out. And I'm going to cast Lay on Hands on Mrs. Nerfly and heal her in front of all the firefighters. Okay. The boy has the gift. Let the boy try. What is Lay on Hands? You just have to roll how much you heal. You have a pool of healing power that can restore 5 HP per long rest. Link and God get rest before school, as always. So 5 HP. Okay.

But what if she restores HP and she's evil, Matt? And she did seven. Yeah, she lost seven. I'm going to use all five. You give her five HP back. Matt, what are you doing? So all of her leg except for her ankle and her foot come back. Okay. And then normal, picking up while Link is laying down, casts Cure Wounds to cure the other two inches of her foot or whatever. I think the fact that half her leg came back would freak them out. I don't know if this gets that magical. What?

Better make sure. So you heal her all the way back. Her leg completely reforms. And the firefighters are looking down and go like, oh, I guess she wasn't as injured as we thought. We were just looking at her weird. What the shit magic in front of you? And as she is healed completely up, she goes, ah, and reaches up and grabs two of the firefighters by the necks. And you hear a loud, grr, as she like snaps their necks right where they lay. And they crumple to the ground. And the kids go, ah.

And the kids start running and the paramedics are like, what? And she starts toward the paramedics and her veins are out again and she's attacking the paramedics. Guys, we should just go. Like, we blew this. I mean, I don't know. Do we have to, like, solve every job? It's like, you know how, like, with homework, it's like you can, like, do some of it and then, like, you can do the rest of it, like, the next day?

Scary, I'm 100% with you. We should just get in the car. No, Link is like, wait, are the firefighters dead? Yeah. And then what does she do? She turns around to see you blood dripping from her lips because she has just bitten me a carotid of a paramedic. Oh, God. And she goes, you all were pretty fast, but let's see how fast you'll be the next time we see each other.

And then she takes off at a dead sprint and she is just gone. And the body of the paramedic that she was eating goes with her. I'm so sorry. I was just trying to. She's a nice lady. It was an interesting idea. I don't think it was the right one. We got to get the car and get the fuck out of here. Did we do it? Did we? Yes. Wait, what about the kids? Fuck the kids. We got to go. Yeah, where are the kids? She left the kids. And what do we need to do to get the kids back to normal?

Put them back in the machine and then tell Tinker to do it. At first, my plan was to bluff her into thinking I was a kindergartner she missed the first time around and that I deserve a chance to go just to keep her here. But now I feel like I'm going to look at all the other kids and be like, fellow kindergartners, follow me, the biggest kindergartner, back to the room. I can save us. Roll persuasion with advantage because kindergartners are stupid. Yeah.

I got a natural 20. Great. So the kindergartners look to you and they go, ah, the uber kindergartner. We will follow you anywhere. They're like the fucking aliens from Toy Story. Aw. They're not going to remember seeing two people murdered in front of them, right? No, they will. They'll stick with them for the rest of their lives. They'll have to deal with that forever. But yeah, they follow you, what, inside, I guess? Yeah. Okay, cool. I leave the children back inside. I guess we need the help of Tinker. The Tinker, yeah. The Tinker is still there. All right, I say, Tinker, un-old these kids, I demand it. Roll intimidation. Okay.

I got a 10. I'm going to say, I'm going to fucking kill you. That'd be intimidation, so go ahead and roll that if you want. Ooh, yeah, I got a 16. God, fucking Beth is saving us with her rolls. Like, the first half of, like, my life, I was just getting bad rolls. I got, like, three threes in a row. You say this to intimidate the tinker, and the tinker, having seen how adequately you behaved in the simulation and how smart you are, goes like, okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Put them in the machines. And then basically for the next half hour, he de-ages all the kids back to their original ages. All right. Every time a kid comes out, because it takes 30 minutes, Lincoln's teaching them how to play soccer. Oh my gosh. Stop it. It's so cute. Teen huddle. Hey, so what are we thinking we should do with the tinkerer? What do we do? I think we should just kill that.

I think we should just kill him. I kicked it really good. I don't know. I feel like we maybe could use some information from him. Just like, again, we still don't know anything about what happened to our dad. Torture him. This is why, I mean, I've been hanging out with you guys for like one day and you're already talking about killing people. It's weird because, like, I'm not the one with two fireman's consciences on my sword. You know what? I'm not the one with blood on my hand, so, yeah. Scary that.

That really hurt. Not as bad as it hurt for those families of the timelineers. You know what? You guys do whatever you decide. I'm just one voice here, so you guys do what you need to do. Maybe we should bring this Tinker back. Yeah, let's take him to the homework center. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like a plan to me. Hey, Tinker, you want to come with us? Uh, no. You want to come with us. Roll intimidation again.

Shut up. I actually got a really good roll again. I feel like for the purpose of like the fucking podcast, we shouldn't even continue. Just kidding. I'm definitely going to continue. I got an 18. Nice. So he goes, all right, fine. Just keep me away from that one. He says, pointing at scary. He shivers whenever you look at him directly in the eyes. We call all the kids' parents to come pick them up from school.

We go through the phone tree one by one. As you all do that, I go to the bodies of the firefighter and the paramedic and I open up their wallets and I write their names down and I'm going to write their families a letter later. What?

Oh my God. Since y'all made it real for Lincoln, that's what Lincoln's doing. Normal comes outside to check on Lincoln. He's like, Link, how you doing, buddy? I don't want to talk to you right now. So I'm, you know, it's a, I guess this is just what jobs are. So this was our job. Your badges vibrate and Mayhales says, hey, how'd it go? It's all done? Agent Normal here, status is 100% contained except for the monster, which did escape and there's two dead adults. Oh.

Three. Don't forget the paramedic. Two firefighters were killed. We lost some good men today. By Mrs. Nerfly, who was a really nice lady. And then she was really mean now. And she killed two firefighters because I helped her and a paramedic. No. No, Lincoln. You didn't help her. You were just trying to do the best you could. Yeah, Link. You didn't help anybody. Why would you tell that to the families of John Early?

And Sebastian Arnold. Sorry, I can't think of it. John Early, the star of Search Party. I thought you were doing the scene from Face Off. What about Dickens?

And Elizabeth Dick is, why did you tell them that I was just doing my best? You tell their families. You tell their families normal. I'll take a break when the case breaks. Hey, also, May, can you, like, tell the school to get, like, maybe a sub? I don't think Mrs. Nerfly is going to be back for a long time. Can you also, like, let the town know that, like, don't start any fires because, like, we're down. We're down a couple firefighters.

That night, after you send an email to the families of the- A handwritten letter. Thank you very much. Okay, fine, a handwritten letter. Then two days later, you're awoken by a knock on your door, and it's the FBI going, we understand that you know something about the deaths of these two firefighters and a paramedic. And your dad, Margo, is like, uh, Lincoln? Lincoln?

We got to pick our sensei. Not today, no, not today. Before tomorrow makes this.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Theme song is On My Way by Max Stinn-Waller, who also did some additional music for this episode. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp.

is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Paige Havner and Benson O'Malley for names that we used in this episode. This show has a Patreon. That Patreon has some people and some of those people are named Stephanie Mech, Matthew O'Brien, Thomas Luhl, Kate Hazard, Jessica Scott Standiford, Flutter, Brad O'Connell, Brandon Mara, Adam Delano, Charlamagne, Roland Warman, Amanda Fordyce, Red Cat Studio, Coral, Seth L., Klutzy,

Thank you.

All that jizz, which is a Star Wars miniseries, a Peyton Walter one-shot, VODs of all of our live shows, the upcoming Regency miniseries, Sons and Sons Abilities. That's so many hours of audio to spice up your commute or shower or dishes or whatever it is you do when you listen to podcasts. Me, I sit alone in a room with headphones, eyes closed, full attention on it.

Ira Glass' sonorous voice. You don't have to do that, but you could at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our store is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter, dungeonsanddads. Our subreddit, dungeonsanddaddies. The next episode comes out Tuesday, February 22nd. We'll see you then.

The average speed of a teenager is around 12 to 14 miles per hour. Teen doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. Damn. Holy shit. Get that off of your Google history though, Matt.