S2 Ep. 14 - Welcome to Earth
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Did I hear you're shopping for a car? Because I've been at it for ages. Such a time suck, right? Not really. I bought it on Carvana. Super convenient. Oh, then comes all the financing, research. Am I right? Well, you can, but I got pre-qualified for a Carvana auto loan in like two minutes. Yeah, but then all the number crunching and terms, right?

Nope. I saw real numbers as I shopped, found my dream car, and got it in a couple of days. Wait, like you already have it? Yep. Oh. Go to Carvana.com to finance your car the convenient way. Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. From the New Fairoon Times, I'm Michael Barbarian, and this is The Daily. Today...

Many moons ago, forefathers from another realm came to our world to rescue their lost sons. Then, back in their world, those sons unleashed an interdimensional chaos monster known as the Doodler. For years, the sons, Larkin Sparrow, Oak, Grant Wilson, Nick Closen, Terry Stampler, battled the Doodler in their world. Until one day, they did something drastic.

Using a ring of swapping and something called an amplifier, they made us all switch places. So everyone in their world came to ours, and we all wound up here, in the forsaken hell world of insanity and terror they left behind.

Now, recent reports suggest that their children, the children of the children of the four original fathers, may have returned to our new world, their old world, to rescue their fathers once again, which has many concerned Faerunians asking, are you fucking kidding me? It's Tuesday. We think. We can't tell because the doodler has blotted out the fucking sun. God fucking damn it.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about, well, this changed now, doesn't it, right? This changes every change. Well, this one does. It's about four teens from our world. But not our world. But kind of not our world. There's a lot of questions that are going to be answered today, I think. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the ranger, anime-loving teen in Dungeons and Daddies.

The group. Will there be anime in this world? Will Taylor be the Hayao Miyazaki of this world that we've entered now? You remember the movie yesterday? The Beatles one? It's that, but it's just like Taylor being like trying to badly recount the plot of Nausicaa. Everyone's forgotten who Hayao Miyazaki is. Taylor's going to get this grift on by being like, so it's called Totoro, but it's like his OC of Totoro. And he has a sword. Ha ha ha ha.

It's not a sick mom. It's a mom that's been captured by a bunch of bad guys. Totoro. His mom calls Totoro. He's like, listen to me very carefully. Here's what's going to happen next. Shit, that'd be a good movie. I'd watch that. Taylor would watch that. And that's what Taylor's plan was. All the cops are like, we can't help you kids. And like, if there was only somebody that could help us save our mom from the Yakuza. Yeah, the mom gets kidnapped by the Yakuza. Yeah. And Totoro is like this like forest spirit. Oh, she meets him in the bus stop. And that's instead of like waiting for like a bus at the bus.

stop with her. It's like Moana. Totoro can't save the mom until he gets his sword, but he lost it because of some sin he did back in the day and he needs to rediscover his warrior-like ways. Is this story break? What's going on, boys? Taylor's rad fact for today. Totoro...

He's always imagined as a samurai movie. There, done. Okay. That's what he's going to try and bring to this world. He's going to try and pitch that. That's the one I haven't seen. I haven't seen my name. That's a good one. It's classic. It's great. Big teeth. Yep. Big teeth. Love that. Dennis loves him. There's a bus, but it's a cat.

It's kind of weird. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. Continuing halfway. Halfway, Mark. We're on the Wednesday of the senses here. It's the hump day. The hump day of the senses. What's our hump day sense, Matt? It's going to be sound and...

And a little dark, but I think Lincoln kind of just, maybe he doesn't even realize this, but his favorite sound, if you were to really think about it, is actually the sound of silence in the house when both of his dads have closed the door and he's just alone for a second and he's just by himself. He's actually-

I think he's a little smiley. I think he's just like, he's like, you know what? I feel free. I'm alone. This is good. Maybe this is what does he do when he's free? Does he just like get that ice cream that they want? He just gets ice cream. He just relaxes. He just doesn't have to like put on a smiley face with his dad. He doesn't have to do anything. He's just like, he just wants to be left alone sometimes. Does he flop on the couch? Does he like play some FIFA? Sometimes he even looks at pictures of him and his dad and misses them for a little bit. But yeah.

But then he's just happy that he's, you know, he can just fucking be himself and just not have any pressure on him. Be himself, more or less the same guy. Same guy, but without that pressure. Without that heat. Yeah. Hey, everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak, a mixed-up mascot in a strange new land. A strange new world, if you will. Star Trek, colon, strange new world. Star Trek, colon, strange new worlds. Strange new normals. My normal fact this week is that

Ever since seeing Taylor and Link get super into Laffy Taffys and being left out of that. That's great. We were super into that. He's felt really left out, and he really wants to impress them by getting a Laffy Taffy joke published. So he's been writing in and submitting Laffy Taffy jokes. And you can read all of the jokes that Normal submitted if you become a Patreon member and subscribe to get our bi-monthly Zine the Teen Tribune, because you can see the whole letter. But I thought I'd sample some of the Laffy Taffy jokes that Normal has written. So here we go.

What's the opposite of a stink bug? A deodorant. Wow. Those are too good for Laffy Taffy. That's a good one. Where do clams post their selfies? Where? On social media. That's good. Okay. Why did the driver barf in the HOV lane?

They had carpool tunnel syndrome. Holy shit, Will. Those are good. This, as you can tell, is clearly just a way for me to try my... Because when Freddie was like, oh, this would be the hardest thing, I bet I could do Laffy Taffy jokes. So yeah, there you go. Here's the problem, Will. They're too good. They're not too good. Laffy Taffy is the apex of the joke candy world. They're just like one step too good. I'm mostly just amused at the fact that normal things...

Taylor and Link are really into Laffy Taffy. It reminds me of this one time where some friends from school, they went to the batting cages. And I wasn't there, and I heard they went to the batting cages. And I was like, oh my god, I want to hang out with them. They were super into baseball. And I got a mitt and a bat, and I told my dad I was into baseball now. I was like, hey, I got all my stuff. We're going to the batting cages. I was like, oh, that was just a thing we did once. We don't like baseball. I was like, oh yeah, me neither. Yeah.

You guys are really into Laffy Taffy's. We bought them at a gas station once. Normal. It's okay. We're not into it. It's like when your grandma would see you holding an R.L. Stein book. She's like, oh, so you fucking love R.L. Stein books. Are you kidding? When you're 35. It's like when you got me...

69 boxes of Sour Patch Kids. Yeah, pretty much. It's like Sour Patch Kids. She ate some. She loves them. She stole some of my Sour Patch Kids. So I was like, well, I guess fucking love Sour Patch Kids then. And I bought her 69 boxes. Hold on. For whatever reason, you couldn't get it shipped to your place. Yeah. So he just texted me. He's like, hey, can I send something to your place? I'm like, yeah, sure. It's like for the podcast. Yeah. And then I look at my door and like literally it's stacked up to like my chest.

I still have a box of these motherfuckers. We couldn't go through these things. Yeah, some are in my car. There's no way to get rid of them. Little bags inside. They have like three of them. But it's like, I'm exhausted. There's so much plastic. Hey.

Yeah, it was truly one of those wasteful things. I appreciated it, though. Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow. She's back. A goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Try that different. Yeah. Fun fact is that the closest that she and Terry Jr. ever got to bonding was...

when he was just dating her mom and she was kind of like, oh, I don't know about this dude. I don't know about any dude at all, et cetera. And he gave her some lemonade, but called it demon aid because it was,

strawberry lemonade in red and so she thought that was pretty fucking dope and cool but then he really wanted to watch fly away home which she considered a propaganda aka dad propaganda wow oh my god that's what taken is that's like what all those taken is that's very good did you make that up yes that's super good i don't i bet i didn't make it up it's out there now whatever you're probably the most popular person to say just fly away home with

the one where Anna Paquin has to like, like, she's like the maverick of geese and she has to like lead them on a, yeah. Yeah. With Jeff Daniels. My dad's going to see that movie also. It's Jeff Daniels, right? I think it is. I don't know. Probably. He was in every movie back then. It was a lot. There's definitely that movie and like October Sky occupies like a very specific genre of like science teacher doesn't want to teach today. So you're going to watch this while she grades. I'm Anthony Burch. I've said enough about my life. I don't need to give you a dad fact today.

So when we last left our intrepid group of teens, you had sort of unveiled a lot of things. You'd found out what Code Purple was, which was essentially that the world that you thought of as Earth that you had grown up in, that you were born in, was actually known to others as the Forgotten Realms. And that Code Purple was a means of swapping all the people from one realm to another that your dads all decided to do to avoid the doodlers' influence.

you opened the obsidian door that you were told not to open and it revealed a uh ancient handsome evil maybe probably yeah evil warlock who was also scary's patron a guy named willie stampler after trying to debate what to do with him he disappeared i'm sure that won't come back though so that's good that's fine that's the call putting a button on out of sight out of mind and then you decided to head through the omegar fault door that led to the other dimension where you're uh

So I have a question. If

This ain't going to go good. If we were looking at the doodler's eye the whole time, are we looking at the doodler's butt now? So we're just like the doodler's ginormous ass has blotted out the sky. The whole doodler is so big. It's like the whole sky. Yeah. I love that we are going places that that little baby cuck.

Where is this going? H.P. Lovecraft. Lovecraft has not even penned a single word about Cthulhu's butthole, and here we are breaking new ground. So indescribable. Breaking new ass. He never actually described the butthole. He'd always just fucking wave it up. Imagine something scary. It's like that. It's like scary. Oh, whatever. Oh, wow. Oh, break your mind to think about it. That's full on the like insert a scene here ass bullshit. So.

Without any further ado, let's deal with the fact that you're all now completely alone and isolated in a hostile world that you don't understand and that your parents or at least your dads are here somewhere waiting for you. Taylor, like his ancestors before him, checks if his phone works. It does. What? Guys, I got a signal. What the fuck? Me too. What the fuck?

Fuck! I quickly turn around. Is there, like, another door? Or are we just in the middle of, like, a... Where are we? So, when you look around, you see a whole shitload of darkness pockmarked by flames in the distance or nearby. It looks like you're on a road where there's basically a couple of torches every 200 feet or so. As you look behind you, you see... They use feet in this universe.

You see the path sort of extending in the darkness behind you. There is no door. There's not an equivalent on this side. It's an otherwise nondescript sort of dirt road that heads into the distance. So we're stuck here. Who knows? Did anyone, do we pack food or water before we went through the door? Did anyone remember to bring anything? I don't really, I built up a whole head of steam about getting through here to tell our dads what's what. I had normal, like one of those Gatorade gel packs that you like suck on. You know, if you're a runner, you know what I'm talking about.

i got a couple of those in my pocket and i got a couple power bars i got like enough food for like a couple minutes so not much else though but here we need to see oh my god i have one in my mouth i am eating it i like those gatorade things because it's like you're drinking slime or something yeah you want a green one i got green and blue no i'm not hungry right now but you know maybe sorry about your gram i'm sorry about your grandpa or whoever that guy willie oh willie i don't want

I don't want to call him my grandpa because that then makes it kind of just dumb or whatever. But like, I don't know. Like Willie's a cool guy. I'm sure we'll see him again. Okay. I hope not. Oh God, where are we? Yeah. Can we do a little world perception? Yeah, sure. If you wish to.

10. With a 10, you realize that Taylor has his everyday carry kit on him, which is enough food for him and him alone. I got an 8. I got an 11. So all of you know that you are vaguely in another realm and that if the realms are stacked on top of each other like plates, then you're probably in a similar sort of equivalent area to where you were before. Like if there is a Sandemus in where you grew up, you're probably in a Sandemus-ish location in this new realm. But that's all you know.

Guys, this happens in animes all the time. People get transported to different worlds, and we just have to use our knowledge from our world to do well in this one. Everybody's phone starts ringing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've set mine to silent. Is there a caller ID? Yeah, it's your mother. Okay, I answered the phone. Norma Loke speaking. Hi, Mom. Is she calling all of us?

Mom, I'm on a field trip is probably the best way to describe what's going on right now. You know, dad's been on an office trip for a long time. And then every time I try to tell you that it's like something more important than that, your brain glosses over it and you don't understand. What?

I'm in another realm. I got to call you back. Okay. She goes, I don't,

And you hang up on her. What does my caller ID say? Your caller ID says it's Marco. It's your dad. Yeah, I figure. Hey, Dad. Hey, did I forget? Did you say you're going to stay at somebody's house or something? No, definitely not. I mean, I'm on Earth or not. I'm away. I'm gone. Like, I'm where Daddy is. I'm like, I don't know. Wait, you're where Dad is? Yeah. You went to Seattle? No, no, no. Well, I've never been to Seattle. Is this Seattle? Seattle?

Yeah. Oh, look, the space is so dark. It's dark and gloomy. It is. It gets 70, 80% cloud cover most of the year. Oh, my God. Grey's Anatomy is happening over there. Yeah. Really old show. Wait, okay, so you're in Seattle. You waited, I mean, it's like 2 a.m. You didn't think you could call me at any point between getting on the plane. It's just been like minutes. How did we get on the plane? You don't even have a... I didn't go on a plane. We went through a big door.

Yeah. Went to another room with seats that then took off in the air. Oh, I get what you guys are doing. I'm like, okay. I was like, oh, yeah. I'm on. Oh, duh. I'm on. I love you. And I will, no matter what happens, I love you. And I'm on a field trip. You did sign it. You're so forgetful sometimes. Okay. Remember? I feel bad that I forgot. But, like, okay. You did sign it.

Remember Italian Islands? You go on a ferry. It's fun. We go snorkeling. It's like a week-long camp. Okay. All the kids are doing it. Don't check at school. We're all there. No kids are at school. So Marco goes like, okay, yeah, I guess I did forget. Well, I guess check in with me, you know, obviously. Yeah.

if you can. I love you. Oh, yeah, of course. But yeah, no, the house is all quiet. No, no, no. Yeah, that's a nice sound. My boys are gone. No, it's not. I mean, not to me. It's like when you play games and stuff. No, okay. Yeah. Well, be safe, I guess. I love you. I love you, too. All right. Bye. I can't believe I forgot. And he hangs up. It's your mother. Hello? Hey, are you... So, um, I've gone to Seattle.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, no. Yeah, I'm going to be on Grey's Anatomy. The show is still going on. Yes, I know it is. It's season 78. And I'm snorkeling. Say we're snorkeling in case she calls my dad. And I'm snorkeling if you call again. Anytime I call, you'll be snorkeling. Yeah, that's what acting is about. Because I'm going to be a big snorkel.

on Grey's Anatomy. I gotta say, I did not give you the credit. I thought this was some normal teenage rebellion stuff. I didn't think you would full-on run away. Like, what did I do wrong? Like, what did I do that made you so upset at me? No, not at that, Mom. Was it Terry? Because Terry's not even right. You should be happy. I figured that would keep you home. At least, geez, oh. No, it's not. Well, I'm going to Seattle then. Like, this is absurd. I'm going to get Terry. You're what? I'm...

On another planet and I'm getting Terry and I'm saving him because I know that it makes you happy or whatever. Roll persuasion?

A two. Look, again, I get it. I started a rock band when I was in high school. I didn't move away to do it, but like, okay, if you're going to go start your own thing, you're going to rebel. It's cute, but could you maybe not do it a plane ride away? Could you maybe just come back and...

You're not going to be able to find me. I'm sorry. You're pretty active on social media. It's not going to be that hard. Well, sometimes if you see something that looks like your soul and it's, you know, a broken can of something, like pickles, and you're like, my soul feels like a broken can of pickles, then you need to take a picture of it and post it. Again, I'm not blaming you. I did the exact same thing. She says drinking from a Topo Chico. Ha ha ha ha!

- So you think Terry's gone? - All of your parents think that your dads are on a work trip and then they'll just be back pretty soon, but they don't know when. - I'm just saying, mom, that sometimes I feel like a bottle of Topo Chico where I'm like, you know, nice and hard on the outside, but on the inside I have a deep hole.

You know, that's what she said. Anyways, you're not going to be able to find me, so don't look. Okay, great. I'm too rebelled. Great, cool. Well, I guess I have to call the police. No, I... So I guess I'll see you. No, you don't. Fine, fine. Call the police. See what I care. They're never going to find me. I... What? Nothing. When you get picked up for whatever it is, just call me. I will bail you out. I will be very angry. I'm not going to pretend I'm not going to be, but we'll deal with that, okay? Whatever. I hate you. Okay, cool.

Okay, cool. I love you, too. No, you don't. Bye. God damn it. God damn it. I pick up the phone. Okay. It's your mom. Hello? What's going on? All right, Mom, you remember when you got the leading role in That Time I Got Reincarnated as a dakimakura? Honey, I'm an anime voice actor. I don't remember anything. It's just a paycheck to me. I don't care about the stuff I'm doing. It's just a paycheck. I just got isekai'd. I'm in another world.

What time is it over there? It's like 4 a.m. Ah, time moves differently. You're probably not going to hear from me. I got like some big, big quests I got to deal with. Anyway, it's just like in those animes that you voiced. Love you, Mom. I'll see you later. Roll persuasion real quick. Three.

She goes, wait. And then you hang up on her and she does not believe you. I turn around to everybody like, well, my mom's taken care of and buttoned up. I'm not sure that any of your parents are those stories that you spun were any good, but I'm all clear. Guys, one second. I think I got a way to handle this. And I call Agent Mayhales. OK, she goes, oh, hey, OK, cool. So did you how long has it been since you went into the portal?

Hey, Mrs. Hales. Hey there. So we just walked through. We're on the other side of the portal. So it's been like a few hours on my end.

Great. Like a minute. We've been here about, I'd say, 30 to 60 seconds. Okay. So we just got a bunch of kind of freaked out calls from our parents. So we were kind of wondering if you could like maybe come up with like a really good lie for where we are. Just like take care of that. Did you just take care of that? Seattle-based lie. I just sent you a picture of me smiling. Did you get it? Do pictures still work on the phones over there? Yeah.

it's a really harsh flash and you're a darkness so it's kind of and you took it from a very weird angle so I don't know actually what I'm looking at I just sent a picture but how about we do a picture like the four of us and say we're on a field trip and you like send like an update you know how we get those weekly updates just be like send a picture to our parents be like hey we're on they're all on a fun field trip what have I told you could you send my mom this picture of this tattered flag and say me I

I could. Yeah, I guess I could. If you can just text me the passwords to all of your social media, I can set up a sort of fake field trip that you're all on. Nice try. We've learned from the beginning of our lives to never give your social media passwords to anybody. We have our social media. We'll make sure to update our social media with pictures. I got scheduled posts going for weeks. Don't worry. Let's do a quick selfie so I hold the phone out. Look as not kidnapped as possible. Look as happy and cool as possible.

not about to be murdered. You're going to have to put down that newspaper. Is there anything around that looks kind of picturesque?

not really it's like a museum let's be next to one of these torches let's all point at the torch and do like kissy faces like oh it's a torch i'm looking serious i'm gonna do the little korean little heart fingers in mine because i think that's fun well i'm holding the phone so i'm just gonna like big smile okay just be careful with the flash because like we don't want it to look like a blair witch photo do you know what i mean like i want it to look like a blair yeah so you're gonna need to split the uprights okay well i

my photo will satisfy all your, all three of your requirements. Don't worry. It'll make everybody happy. It's going to be as broad and popular as a photo as possible. Here we go. So I think it'd be a four quadrant photo. Yeah. Four quadrant photo. Can I roll and see how good the photo is? Yeah. Give me, just give me a straight D20 roll. It's a six. No one's happy. I don't show it. I'm just going to send them a sale. You guys don't worry about it. It looks good. It looks good.

I'm smiling. He looks like I'm smiling. What the fuck, man? Okay, you all look really bad, but this looks like, yeah, this is definitely, this will do it. You look like bad, but you don't look bad.

I have given you the login for my Pinterest account, which is my main social media. So I'm going to need you to go ahead and like every day or so, like another cheer routine or like if there seems like a really nice, sensible, normal kid outfit that you see on there, just like that and put it in the folder that says style references. I'm going to give you my, I'm going to give you my login to my LinkedIn, which is my main social media account.

If you could just add, to really help the illusion, if you could just add, like, I don't know, like, museum tour guide above my lawn mowing that I have up there as, like, my most current job, that'd be great. And I'll reach out to every single person you're connected to unannounced. Just my two dads. Yeah, just your dad. Hey, May, I'm going to give you Taylor's password to his Pornhub premium with his name. No!

His main social media account? Sure. Taylor, what stuff should I be liking so people don't think something's awry? Like, what kind of stuff? Excuse me, Scary. I gave you my Facebook Messenger login. Like, that's my entire life. You

You've already liked every single hentai on Pornhub. I don't know what else. Yeah, just keep up. Just here's what you don't like. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

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So you didn't come with any supplies or... How did they know where we were going? We don't have anything. I have my EDC. I've got some power bars and... I think, well, the door, like, it's still, like, open.

Okay, so she goes, I'm going to throw in a gun. Uh-oh. Okay, in retrospect, I should have asked permission before I did it. The person you test as a gun? Yeah, I know. I thought you would need it.

No, that's smart. It's too late. I already threw in the gun. Where is it? Are you just going to wait there and see when it shows up? Yeah. Okay, cool. You guys want us to all wait for this gun? I mean, listen, it will be irresponsible for us not to. I hope it shows up at some point. Okay, so it sounds like whatever connection we have through the phone, that'll keep our timelines in sync. So whenever we're talking on the phone, we're good. But...

I guess call me if you need stuff. Oh, so like if we hang up like the time difference, so like we should hang up to see the gun pops in right away. No, no, no. I think if you hang up and then you and I start talking in like, it'll be like hours have passed for me.

But either way, I'm sure they're going to come by at some point. I'm going to assume that this thing works and it's just on delay and I'll get some stuff together, like a care package for you. But is the gun going to land here? Or like, is there a gun just going to fall on us? Like, is this hole following us like a storm cloud in a cartoon? Or like, is the hole here? Like, is this our base of operations now? Or like, are things just going to land on us at any moment?

Scary. So as you say that, a small purple portal opens up behind you where you sort of came in and a gun falls out. Okay, we're going to walk forward 20 feet and throw something else in and see if this thing follows us. Okay. Let me grab a hair tie. Could you actually send some black moon mascara? I don't. That's not. I don't have to shop for it. Yeah. Okay. Well, I can bring in the next like if you give me a bit. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So I'm throwing in a hair tie and you

And you move 20 feet forward and she throws in a hair tie and it shows up back where you started in the same spot. Okay, so this is like our, this is our drop. I guess it's time to build a base here. I played enough Fortnite to know. Well,

save your batteries be careful I'm gonna get a care package together you should see it sooner or later all right later bye and she hangs up well that's nice of her I call her back uh yeah what's up all right here throw something else in and I'm gonna grab a rock and I'm gonna try to throw it into the portal when I see the purple portal show would it be better for you to kick it because you're a soccer guy yeah sure I'll kick it okay so

So you want me to... Just throw something else in. I'm just going to see if... Something big. A little portal shows up. A hula hoop. All right, just give me... I have to... Let me get to Daddy's. I got to get into my car and drive to Daddy's. Give me a second. And I'll stay on the phone. Here's what we'll do. Hang up so you get to Daddy's quicker and then call us. Yeah, we'll hang up. We'll call you back. And we hang up when you get to Daddy's. Okay, cool. Yeah. So the second you hang up, the phone starts ringing again. And she goes, okay, so I'll throw in a napkin.

And she throws in a napkin. Something bigger. No, something bigger. Something bigger? Okay, I'll throw in a... A chair. An unfolded napkin. I will throw in... Oh, here's a box of Lunchables for my fucking lunch I got from the fridge I was going to eat. So here's a box of Lunchables. You eat Lunchables as an adult? Oh, yeah. Well, I want to see if they get rotten on the way...

Oh, that's a good idea, actually. What's her lunchables? I guess I'll find out. I hope it's a pizza. That'll last forever. That meets super process. That pizza would be nothing, I guess. Loaf of bread. Find a loaf of bread. No, I want the lunchables. Talk to me. So she throws in the lunchables. I'll open them first. She opens the lunchables and then throws them in. You took the candy. I'm not fucking stupid. I'm not going to take the candy.

The portal opens in an open one. At the moment the portal opens, I throw a rock. Okay. You throw it into the portal and the portal closes. And Mae says...

Rock. Okay. Oh, yeah. I got a rock. What? Wow. No, rock landed just outside the fucking door. You need to carbon date the rock to see if there's any weird- I'm not going to do that, but like- What do the Lunchables look like? So the Lunchables look delicious. More or less normal. Wait, so can we just go back? Yeah, hold on. Hold on. If you do a big hula hoop or something, we can dive through and just go back. Well, we got to know what kind of shape they're ending up when they get back there. We don't want to get there and be all old or whatever. Yeah, I really don't know what it's like.

Let's throw the Lunchable back. Oh, let's throw the Lunchable back. Yeah, yeah. Okay, great. Throw another Lunchables in. How about I just throw the rock back? I'll just throw the same rock. No, we need to take this. And then Normal takes off his watch. Oh, I love it. That's great. Throw this goodbye sweet, sweet Yu-Gi-Oh watch. I kiss it and I throw the watch their way. Mark the time. It's currently...

What kind of watch do you have? It's a Yu-Gi-Oh watch. Does it have the date or whatever? It says the time and honestly it doesn't really work that well. I also throw the Lunchables. I put the watch in the Lunchables. It's like a fucking Sierra point and click adventure right now. I hand you the Lunchables. Just throw it all in there. We get multiple test subjects. Nice. I also put a bug in there. There you go. That's a good one. Alright, you throw the Lunchables. I spit in it. You throw the...

You throw the Lunchables, the bug, the watch, and the spit into the hole. And you hear May go, oh, oh, gross. Oh, no, no, no, no. Okay, so yeah, this is aged, I would say,

decently. I would say at least a week or so. The Lunchables have gone bad. The Watch... Oh, weirdly, it's still 245, so it's almost an exact two-week thing, I guess, when you're coming back through this. I think the Portal is different when I instigated it than if you find a way to instigate it on your end, so I don't know. But yeah, it's a couple weeks.

This bug is very dead, and it turns out spit, if you let it age for a long time, is maybe the worst smell in the world. So thanks for that, normal thing. I thought I was free of your scent when you were on the other end of the universe, but it turns out you're still right here. So that bug must have been really old if it was about to die in two weeks. Wait, so we could just get two weeks older? Like if we just jump in and out? And two weeks wiser. Wiser? Maybe some voices dropping? Yeah, you'll have no food.

I'm not going to say. We're going to need to bring snacks on our way back. It sounds like if we need to get out in a hurry, we can run through and jump here. But we are going to be in a sort of bottle episode situation for two weeks. So we might want to bring some food or something to read. Well, again, you're running up the down escalator. There's probably a way on your end where you can open it in your way, and it's more frictionless. We reversed the polarity. Maybe. Yeah.

Okay. We can sit here all day throwing things in this hole. We need to deal with our present situation. Grant always said the worst thing to do is like you order something and then like every time the waiter comes back, you're like, oh, now can I have water? And the waiter goes and then when the waiter comes back with water, like, oh, actually, can I also have this? Like I say, we get our order all together and ask Miss Hale everything we want all at once. So why don't you maybe we just hang up and put together an Amazon wish list. Yeah, we should get everything because it goes really fast, right? Once we like tell her. So it's just like, what all do we want from Miss Hale?

Let's not waste our time. Maybe we just get a big order. Perception. Nine. Everyone roll. Anthony's like, please move along. Another three. I got a one. Four. Wow. What is with the rolls? So it's too late to do much of anything by the time you notice.

If you had been paying more attention, you would have seen three lights in the distance approaching you slowly. There are four lights. Instead, we're all writing down what flavor Lunchables we want. Yeah. Oh, make sure you get the blankets. What we need blankets. We don't know if they have blankets in this world. We got it. It's cold already. By the time you notice it's because the light from these torches is casting itself onto the ground near your feet and you turn around and you see fire.

three torch flames that illuminate pockmarked faces that peek out from red cloaks. Two of the people are holding either end of a pole and there's a large cage dangling from that pole. And inside is what looks to be a severed head. The person in the front holding the torch smiles very, very, very big and goes, Lost? Uh...

No. No. Where do we want to be? Yeah. Yep. Absolutely. It's our favorite spot. Smile for me? I mean, the finger. I don't do that. Yeah. Well, I'll always smile at a friendly stranger and I smile. So as you smile, you notice that his smile is artificial. He has seemingly stapled up the corners of his mouth and

His face looks like it has been subject to a whole lot of wear and or tear in his attempt to keep that smile going. And the two men that are holding up the cage with the severed head go, they have it. They still have it. They have it. It's dinner time, boys. And all three of them drop the cage.

They throw their torches onto the ground and they open up their cloaks and each of them takes out a knife in one hand and a syringe in the other. Everybody roll initiative. Seven. Fucking 11. Stop using it. Can I just have an advantage for some reason? Absolutely not. Okay. Well, I got five. I rolled a six. God.

Freddy, it is your move first. Nice. And 11's the highest? 11 was the highest. How many people around us? There is a severed head in a cage that as it hits the ground, you hear it go... You see its tongue exit from it and it pushes itself up so it can sort of like turn around and look at you. What the head did? The head did. And then there's three people...

wearing red cloaks who are currently wielding a knife and a syringe. Does the head look like it's happy to be in the cage? Like, is it trapped or is this like just the way they move it around? It looks trapped. I'm just wondering if maybe we have an ally in this head. Yes. It does not look psyched to be there. It doesn't look like this is a Palanquin. It is not like a conveyance of honor. Okay. Cool.

I'm going to put my hand on the hilt of my travel katana. Your sharper image fold-out travel katana? It's a fold-out travel katana for traveling. That's just called a knife. Yeah.

It's a travel katana. Sure. I believe that Taylor would have brought a blade with him on this trip. Yeah, yeah. And I'm going to go stay back or I'll be forced to unsheathe my blade. So that's your turn is telling them don't. Well, dude, what's their reaction to me saying such a fucking hard. Roll intimidation. Like such a hard ass thing. You know what I'm saying?

19. Wow. Okay, so you can feel them flinch, though they don't drop their weapons or anything like that. Their gaze, all three of them stop looking at you and they start looking at your other friends. So you get the feeling that they are probably not going to attack you because they're a little bit intimidated by you, but the others are still up for grabs. These numbers are no good. I want a Zephyr strike, but specifically I want to try and cut off the arm of one of these guys. So roll with disadvantage if you want to do something specific like that. I will roll...

Ah, the natural one. Wow. So the sword gets completely stuck in its sheath. That's what happens when you don't practice fast speed unsheathing and you attempt to make it go fast. You can get stuck. You got to keep it oiled. So what you accidentally do is you pull out the entire sword still in its sheath and basically toss it at their feet. So you have no sword right now. And I go, Zephyr, strike! Ah, shit! The smiling one in front goes, thank you.

Thank you, so generous. Thank you. Now it is Scary's turn. Who has the gun? It's on the ground by your feet. Nobody picked it up. Taylor notices the gun by his feet and says, hmm, should have done that. I will...

Cast Vampiric Touch. Okay. The touch of your shadow wreath tan can siphon life force from others to heal your wounds. Make a melee spell attack against a creature within your reach. Or is he not in my reach, though? I mean, we can say you moved up to him and then did it. Okay. On a hit, the target takes 3d6 necrotic damage, and you regain hit points equal to half the amount of necrotic damage. Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Go for it. Yeah.

Yeah, 11. You lunge at this thing with your hand burning with shadowy energy and it barely just moves its head to the right and you just barely manage to whiff. Your arm is now like over his shoulder and he goes, close, very close. I can feel it coming off of you though. Very close. Normal. Normal is going to cast Guiding Bolt.

and zap them. Zap them real good. A flash of light streaks towards a creature of your... This is what I tried to kill Scary with a couple episodes ago. I realized that when Anthony said the damage was 4d6, I heard 4d6. So I was like, gee! Oh, I see. That makes sense. I rolled a 19. Wow, okay. So that'll do it. So that is 22 radiant damage to one of the ones holding the severed head. Okay.

The one second closest to you that scary did not just try to punch. Your guiding bolt hits him and he explodes. Oh, you just explode. Oh my God. I almost hit you with that scary. Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought it was just going to start. Black pungent jelly litters the ground amongst him and flies in the air. And he smells even worse on the inside, much like a tauntaun. And he is instantly incinerated by that. Was that one of the ones holding the cages? That was one of the two holding the cages. Yeah. And,

Now it is your turn, Link. By the way, when this happens, the other two cackle and they go, more for me. Oh, God. I don't like that. I'm going to pick up the gun. I'm going to check his chamber and cock it and load it. Because Grant, one of the few things that they do, and as I said, he was a sniper. I feel like occasionally... He went to the range. Yeah, I went to the range. It's like a fun thing, but it's like Grant was secretly being like, at some point, Link might have to be able to shoot people. The boy will need to know. And I point the gun up in the air and I shoot.

And I go, you see this? This will F you guys up more than like what he just did. And I got a lot more bullets where that comes from. I literally just exploded him. I don't know that a little gun is going to do that much to scare him. What are you doing? They say it's even bigger. It's bigger than that one. Yeah, it's real big. It's real scary. I got a bunch of them. I'll shoot. I'll blow you all away if I have to. Wipe those smiles off your faces. Just calm down. All right. Roll intimidation.

I don't think you need to have disadvantage for it. Because it made a big boom. I mean, have they seen a gun before? Shouldn't it be advantageous? It's just a big boom boom thing. Well, what happens is one guy just exploded and your thing just made a loud noise and nothing happened to them. So they have... How would you take that? Well, because I said it does more... Well, yeah. Why would they believe... You just went, this would be even worse. And then you didn't do a thing. Okay, I did a 13 intimidation. Okay, 13. I'll have them roll insight. They literally got a 14. Oh my God. Oh.

Is that a toy? Is that a toy for babies? A baby holding a baby toy? It's not a toy. It's not a toy. Shut up. It's not a toy. Okay, so is that my action? That was your action. Okay. I'm going to cast Sanctuary. You ward a creature within range against attack. Until a spell ends, any creature who targets a warded creature with an attack or harmful spell must first make a wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, that creature must choose a new target or lose the attack or spell. The spell doesn't protect the warded creature from area effects, etc.,

If the warder creature makes an attack, it goes away. So essentially, they have to do a wisdom saving throw to attack. I'm going to actually cast it on normal because normal blew one of them up. So I think I'm just trying to guess who they're going to try to attack next. Normal gains the armor of self-confidence because Link paid attention to him. That's a codependence armor. The two remaining smiling men, it is their turn. So the one nearest to you, Scary, is going to jam the needle directly into your ear canal.

- No! - Unless your AC beats, what's your AC? - 12. - Yeah, no, it beats that. So the needle goes, and it's weirdly painless.

It doesn't hurt. You feel pressure, but you don't feel pain. It's like a piercing. I want to use protection as a reaction. Oh my fucking God. What? Oh, you want to play Dungeons and Dragons or what, Anthony? No, it's just the ultimate like, no, you don't get to do this thing. It's a reaction. Okay, what is it? When a creature you can see attacks a target other than you that's within five feet of you, you can use your reaction to impose disadvantage on the attack. You must be welding a shield, but we already said that my shin guards are my shields. Oh, sure. Okay, cool. Wielding. Welding a shield. You must weld a shield. I welded my own shin guards. That's a new thing.

He tried the attack again and whiffed completely. So his needle's about to go to Scary's ear. And then you bring your shin guards up. Suddenly you're resting your leg on Scary's other shoulder. And you block the needle with your shin guard. My friend's alone. He goes, oh, oh. The other one. The other one. Bum rushes normal and tackles him to the ground, succeeding at the wisdom saving throw. So your sanctuary did not do anything.

And he gets a natural 20 to his attack. So the needle comes down right into your forehead. Again, no pain, just a lot of pressure. And he just leans in and he whispers, think of your happiest memory. And you feel your happiest memory beginning to conjure up inside your head. And you can feel that it is moving towards the syringe. And next turn,

If he's not taken off of you, he's going to suck that right up into that syringe. So the first time I ran out on the field as teeny the teen and everyone was cheering, or at least I thought they were because like the sound was amplified in my head of my own screaming. Were your parents there? Yeah, they were there. And, you know, like my dad was feigning enthusiasm, but I thought it was real. And I was getting the crowd super torqued. You're saying all that's going through the syringe right now? I'm saying it's approaching the needle of that syringe. Very much so.

Okay, so we're back at the top of the initiative. So once again, it is Taylor's turn. Okay, so seeing this guy going the needle, I'm going to just do a flying jump kick. Okay. To try and jump kick the needle. Or no, the body mass. I'm going to jump kick the body mass of this guy. Okay, go ahead and give me an attack roll. That was not that. Yeah, what do you have? That's my attack roll. Jesus. Natural one plus three. Oh my god. So you...

You eat shit. I think I feel like I kicked the syringe plunger and it actually- Deeper in? Yeah, deeper in. Great. Yeah, so now it hurts. Now I'm forgetting when I got a new video game console for Christmas! So you just jump right onto the fucking smiling man's back and the plunger goes deeper in. And yeah, now his top three favorite memories. Oh no!

are inside this syringe. Isn't that a Slashfilm article? You're almost top ten favorite memories and one we could do without. You won't believe number one. Okay, so yeah, he's losing even more memories. He hasn't lost them yet. He hasn't lost them yet. They're now inside the syringe, but he has to retract them for them to be fully gone from normal. So that was Taylor's disappointing excuse for a turn. Now scary.

I look at the dude who's sucking memories out of normal and he's like, hey, you think you're hot shit? Only I'm allowed to be mean to normal. I cast fireball. Okay. You have normal. Shield your eyes, dog. What? So, fireball. Fireball's an area of effect. It sure is. Ah!

Sure is. Oh, I didn't know that. That's fine. That's fine. So every creature in the 20-foot radius sphere centered on that point has to make a dexterity saving throw. A target takes 8d6 fire damage on a failed save or half as much on a successful one. Sorry, guys. I've got all this power and I don't know how to use it. Yeah, so normal's basically pin prone under this guy. So I'm going to say you have disadvantage on your dexterity saving throw.

I'm there too, I think, because I just did it. Well, you're not pinned. Yes, you're there as well, yeah. So both normal and... We're all within 20. I feel like, yeah, 20 is... How far would 20 be? Is me to Friday? Well, no, you're by scary because you just blocked with the Shingard, so you're safe, assuming scary didn't just also blow herself. What I'm just saying was that 20 feet, I'm trying to gauge in my mind. If I fucked up this bad, I think that scary fucks up this bad. Okay, fair enough. No, the point is I'm next to you, so I probably am not. Okay, so everybody's in this. You cast a fireball,

And it hits every single person. So everybody roll a dexterity saving throw and normal and the smiling man that is being pinned by Taylor will roll with disadvantage. So I got a one. I got 21. I got 18. I got a nine.

So Scary's spell save DC is 12, so everybody got less than a 12. You are going to go ahead and roll yourself 8d6 fire damage. What?! Everyone that got more than a 12, you're going to roll yourself 4d6 fire damage. Now, since Normal got a natural 1...

I feel like every one of your dice, you roll twice and you take the higher of the two. Okay, so are we even for when you almost killed me? Do you remember when you almost killed me? Because that was totally not cool, man. I took 14 damage. I took 13 damage. Okay, so roll one was 30 damage. And...

Roll two was 31 damage. Okay. Normal has 24 HP. Oh, no. All right. So Normal just got blasted hardcore and is in death save territory. Yes. Scary. Holy shit. Scary. Oh, my God. I said yes.

We're kind of even. I never meant for this to happen. That was awesome. So what happens is there's an explosion of fire that lights up the night around you. Fuck, fuck, fuck. The two remaining Smiley Men are immolated instantly. They turn to fucking ash. The head in the cage is like, well done. Oh, no. And they get some shit.

Mr. Head! It gets burned to a crisp immediately. No, we're not talking about Mr. Head! And it's flailing around inside the cage. You know what it is? It's like the scene from Terminator 2. Yeah, exactly. He's holding the cage with his tongue. Yeah.

And the fucking skin gets blown off of his bones, but the tongue stays there. And it's just a skull in there now. And yeah, normal. The melting goo of the dying smiling man on top of you burns you even worse. So you take that 31 damage and you fall into death saves. Like you basically get knocked unconscious by this explosion of

around you. But hey, you're out of combat and you won technically. I definitely feel like the incinerating blast has definitely incinerated Normal's tighty-whities, which I think were still the only thing he was wearing when he jumped through the portal. So you've got a singed, unconscious, naked boy in front of you. Okay, so you're out of combat.

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I'm at now. I gotta go quickly to heal him. Do you lay on hands? I do lay on hands. I can restore up to 20 HP per long rest. Who's all hurt? I'm fine. Literally everybody is hurt. Just a flesh wound. All right. How does it work? Well, I mean, you rolled too, right? No, I haven't rolled yet, but I did get hurt. Yeah, everybody got hurt. Because even if you saved, you still take half damage. So none of you is not hurt. I got 33. Okay. But I'm fine because I've got 67 hit points. Damn it.

So you're actually on fire right now, and it probably looks pretty cool. Hey, I'm on fire right now. When I heal 20, he's back to 20. It's not like the difference between the damage he took. Like, there's no negative. You have to heal up my damage first. You're just at zero, yeah. Okay, so you're just at zero, essentially. I think so. I'm just going to use it all on, because we can all rest. I'm just going to use it all on normal. I do that thing, like, I'm going to make, like, a bandage, but all I'm doing is I'm ripping my sleeves off, and I'm making him, like, a diaper. What?

So, like, I touch his shoulder and I heal him 20 and I also make him a little diaper. So now he looks like me solo. How many pickles? No, he looks like let me solo her sexually. Hey, Norm, I think I've got an extra band shirt somewhere here. So, Normals eyes crack open and with his hair still smoking, he looks at Scary and says, we're even. Ugh.

Yeah. Here you go. Here's the Harbor of Fuck shirt. You look great, buddy. Thank you. And I put the shirt on. I'm glad we're all having a good group experience here. Were you guys all really scared that I might have died? Not really. Yeah, absolutely. I'm also scared of like scary. That was so much power. I was more scared of like how much power I had. That was pretty. We need to rethink our group dynamic. If we ever get into any of these scuffles, it definitely feels like

You're our cannon. I just got to like know my own strength more because I've got so much of it. Like those guys, like they had a head. Taylor drops to a knee and goes like, will you teach me sensei? Oh,

Um, yeah, sure. I guess. Specifically how you did that fireball thing. Speaking of this, like scary. I don't know. Like there's just a lot of power in this place. Like check this out. And then from my hand, the gun is now glowing because I cast this sacred weapon on it. So as an action with positive energy, the weapon is considered magical. It can add one to attack roles, but also emits a bright light for 20 feet. It's like sting. Oh, cool. Like a flashlight. So hopefully it's just really dark out here. Yeah.

glowing glowing glock here casting light around like this i don't know here do you want to hold this yes okay here i quickly unload and i take all the bullets out and i chuck them out into the wait no what are you doing no this is too dangerous for us especially like we already got more powerful weapons than a gun and guns aren't a toy but like it's cool flashlight so like here i hand you the gun now flashlight like that's yours man it's pretty cool i kind of wish we knew what they were gonna do with your memories norm yeah i

Oh, I'm really happy that you got cool powers and almost die. I think I might have been dead for a second. I saw some weird stuff in there. Well, you have powers too. Don't you? You can like, I'm hurt. We're all hurt. Could you help us? Oh yeah. I'll get right on that. What happened? Wait. So the syringe did just,

right back in. He never managed to push the plunger back in to my head. You keep the memories. And I go, I'm good to go. Max pain. That's the range. Who are those guys? I look at their singed bodies to see if I can find any clues to who they were or what they wanted. Uh,

They're carbon-based life forms. That much we know. I think you can roll investigation or perception with disadvantage because they're burnt to shit. They're flammable. Yeah, they are flammable. Fireworks in this world. Well, that's a three, so that's not going to be helpful. Taylor's seen all he needs to see. Oh, Taylor's going to also hang on to that memory syringe.

I rolled a 11. With an 11, you can see that they were pretty well equipped for violent endeavors. You could see several knives. You could see bottles that have now exploded, but they were presumably full of something that mattered. Like these look like survivalists. They didn't look like, you know, city folk who were on their way from A to B. So there's like a very post-apocalyptic vibe.

They look like post-apocalyptic survivors, kind of, yeah. Well, not survivors anymore. Not survivors. No, no, no. What about the head in the cage? I want to examine the cage, the head itself, what remains of the skull. Well, the head's gone. The head is, yeah. There's a skull in there now, crispy and still, the few bits of flesh remaining on it are still burning. I stare deep into the eye sockets to see what eldritch insight I can gain. Okay, roll Arcana. And also I want to look at the, you know, the cage. Ooh, can I roll Arcana too? I got good Arcana. Sure, if you want. Eight plus two, ten. I squint a little bit and be like, this used to be someone.

Correct. That's about as much as a 10. We all used to be someone, Taylor. I rolled a 14 plus 4, 18. 18. Okay, so with an 18, you can see, even with most of the skin blasted off, you get the vibe from Arcana that this face that's in this cage was like more well off than the men carrying it around. That's true.

This guy seems like he was like a guy about town. More well off than these other ones. Well, not anymore. Or does he have like some fancy jewels in his teeth? Oh, that's funny. Most of his teeth are made of different metals. We shouldn't look too fancy around here because this man got his head chopped off. I want to take the skull with us. So the teeth on this thing are all jewel encrusted. Like they've had jewels grafted to every individual incisor and molar and bicuspid.

So yeah, if you want to take that skull, better take this. Alas, poor Yorick will give them hell. So is there any landmark around? I want to just take a look.

with our, when we got our, now our cool flashlight. So I want to take a look. Sure. My first thought is like, probably don't want to go in the direction they came from. It's probably like a good bit, but like, let's see if there's anything. Okay. Yeah. I see what you're saying. Cause it's like, we don't know much, but we know that direction, bad stuff came from there. Right. So I'm thinking, look, one direction is as good as another. We're looking for our dads. Right. Like what if we go down this other way? One direction was a shit band. Thank you. I really liked them. I liked them and O-Town. Yeah.

And they all come back. I regret giving you my harbor of fuck shirt. You're wearing pristine shreddage right now. Go ahead and roll perception to sort of get your bearings if you want to sort of figure out where you are. 17 plus two. I'm not doing well. 19. Three. Taylor's just kind of like looking for his- I take the flashlight back. Taylor's just trying to get the sword out of this guy. I would be like, stupid fuck.

I got a five. Okay. Link, you can feel like your eyes have adjusted a little bit to the specific kind of darkness that's at play here. And you can see that from this darkness that has blanketed the world, there are still little pinpricks of activity. Distant cities or distant towers. So the direction that the Smilers came from, you can see sort of a pillar of lights moving up into the sky, decently high. You see a lot of lights at the base, but there is one pillar that seems to ascend higher than the others.

In the direction behind you, where the Smilers were going, you see some more dim lights, but a large collection of those dim lights sort of nearer the ground, more of a village type of thing.

And then to your left, you see one single burning flame that seems to be burning very brightly. Like it has the brightness of a star when you look into the night sky, but it's at like, you know, eye level for you. And it seems to be to your left. All right. As you also look around and see more of the world, you cannot help but have your eyes flick upward at the undulating form of the doodler that has overtaken the entire sky. It's like he's twerking. You can see...

I'm going to put Cthulhu twerking into an AI image generator really quick. Ooh, do that. That'd be fun. As you sort of move the gun around that you took from Taylor, for a second, the light hits...

hits some part of the creature above you, the dude there above you, and you realize it's actually a lot closer than you thought. It's close enough that the flashlight doesn't dissipate entirely before it hits it. And you see slimy scales undulating in waves, almost like it's an ocean of scales above you. And just the mere looking at that and realizing, oh my God, how close it is, and the sheer size of it, your brain gets a sense for the scale. So give me a wisdom saving throw. All of us or just me? Just you, because you're the one who saw it. I'm still fiddling with my sword. 13 plus...

four wisdom four oh wow okay 17 great wise it was Lincoln so you managed to keep your cool like it is very scary I just look away yeah you react to whatever you like how high up is it so it looks like it's only about 100 feet up this particular oh god it's uh

Real close. Okay, so here's the landscape team. A quick team huddle. We got where those guys came from. It's like, you see there's like a big column over there of light. Oh, yeah. There's like a small, it looks like a small village over there. And there's like one really bright light there. And just don't ever look up. Why? What's up? And I look up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

All right, go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw as you see the exact same thing. I've got a six. You get so scared that you just drop everything you're doing and run. So as long as you are outdoors for the foreseeable future, which will probably be not that long, but so long as you are out of doors underneath the obsidian sky that undulates and is thriving and living above you, you'll have to roll not to lose your nerve anytime anything dangerous happens. And like...

like run in fear. Oh shit. For the rest of the time we're here? No, no, no. Just until you basically acclimate more to the space that you're in. Okay. I look to everyone else and say, he's right. Don't look up. Don't do that. That's not a cool thing to do. Don't ever look up at the sky. It's really not great guys. I'm just telling you right now, it's very bad. And then I just take off. Where are you going? Whoa.

Come back here. What direction does he take off in? I assume I want to get inside so I don't have to look at the bad thing anymore, right? Yeah, but, you know, it's all dark to you. No, but Arthur, like, he just pointed out, like... Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, so there's a village, a bright light, and then a scary column. I get to run towards the village. Yeah. Okay, so the village is back towards the way that you came.

And so as you're running, you know, are you screaming? Are we all sprinting after him? Yeah. I guess Norm is deciding which direction we're going. So as you all sprint after him, you're running in the direction that that portal opened up where, you know, the gun and all that stuff came out. And as Norm is leading the way in his diaper and punk rock T-shirt, just sprinting with terror, you see the portal open up in front of you again. And even in the darkness, you flinch and you're taken aback by a bright yellow color that

as the hood and then the windshield and then the body of the pussy wagon drive through the portal with a couple of greasy hands around the steering wheel. And you are about to hit it. And the driver hits the brakes as hard as they can, but it looks like it still might hit you. What are you all going to do?

I'm going to dive out of the way. Yeah, I'm going to drop and roll. All right, everybody give me dexterity saving. Do I have to roll to see if I lose my nerve? You already lost your nerve. You're already running. Yeah, just give me dexterity. A 12. I got a 16. God, natural one. Oh my God. I got an eight. Okay. I got a 16 plus two, 18. All right. Taylor is so committed to like the head down Naruto run, like samurai run with his hand on the hilt of his sword. They completely miss the fact

that there's a car. There's all those movies where like the cool guy just stands there in the car, like slams up because it stops right in front. You're just doing that. You're like, yeah, he's going to stop right in front of me. I know it's going to look cool. Yeah, which means you also leave your head down with your hand on your sword. So it just hits you full speed in the fucking head. So take a 2D12 worth of damage.

Taylor, normal. You almost get out of the way. The headlight clips you a little bit. So take a DA. The damage is you're knocked clear. Scary, what do you do that helps you avoid it? You just dive out of the way like cool? Yeah, I dive and roll. I slide tackle out of the way. Great. There you go. I was lifted, so you slide tackle under it. I got a 12. You got a 12? You get hit by the other headlight as you move to the side, so you take a D8 as well. I took 2D12 and that just takes a D8? Yeah, you got a nat 1. You got a nat 1. It hits you in the head.

So the car screeches to a stop and the door opens and a familiar figure in a bright red suit comes out and goes, you rang? Oh no. Oh, I'm so sorry. I did not mean to, uh, drop in on you like this. Uh,

Hermie, you just hit me with your car. I know. And I was trying to, as per our arrangement, I am your sidekick and I was coming to save you. And yet. Taylor stumbles up after having taken 11 damage from the car. I go, give me the fucking keys. Are you Hermie or are you like the Joker right now? What do you mean?

I mean, there's this thing called acting, I guess. Thank you. You're welcome. So are you acting or are you like- If you're asking me- Are you in character or out of character? If you're asking me my method,

Was anybody asking that? No. An expert never reveals his secrets, so I'm glad you weren't asking that. Wait, did Miss Hale send you here? Yes, yes. Your girl Friday, Mae Hales, reached out to me and suggested that perhaps, mayhaps, I could come and protect you as I swore my sword to thee, Taylor. As per our previous arrangement, we're now best friends and there's no taking that back. Yes, correct. Thank you. Yes, correct. Yes, I am your best friend. Sorry, everybody. He says, looking over the rest of you.

And he goes, yes, I have brought some supplies for whatever this performance is that we're

that we're putting on here. Well, you want to, I mean, you want to, are you going to stay or can you just leave this up here? No, he's staying with us as far as I'm concerned. I was specifically given this device, he says, and he pulls out of his Joker blazer a little, it looks like a, like an old PDA. There's three dots on it. And he says, Miss Hales suggested that you have this. So she says that it is, none of these words mean anything to me, but I did memorize what she said. Like a good actor. Like a good actor. I know my lines and her lines.

She says this is a handheld incursion detector. She said that as your fathers appeared in different places of the school, that those places might mirror places in this plane, and that by following the coordinates for those incursion points, we might find where your fathers are. Wow.

Well, Hermie, welcome to Earth. I mean, we're on Earth, right? I think, yeah. Yeah, we thought we were before, but... Anthony, am I still running? Yeah. And Hermie goes like, oh, who's got to be in his bonnet? Normal has not stopped running. He got up from the car and is still just running towards this village off in the distance. They're sprinting after him.

We have a car. We got a team to catch. We have a car. Hold on. I fire up the pussy wagon and I, as I'm running, I shake the gun like one of those like self starting flashlights because the spell only lasts one minute at a time. So I'm like, come on. Okay. So I'm gonna drive the car in front and like use the tailgate to like, like receive normal as he runs into it.

We all hop in the pussy wagon and chase after normal. All right. So normal is pretty quickly overtaken by the pussy wagon. I believe I get to roll athletics for that. Okay. Versus a driving role as we're off-roading because normal is just streaming across the ground. Good point. So roll your animal handling, Freddy.

Well, you're not driving. I'm driving. Hermes is driving. I beg you to roll normal dice and not do the D&D beyond. It's killing you. It's killing you. Wait, isn't Hermes driving, though? No, he demanded the keys from Hermes. Oh, okay. Hermes is my sidekick. I got an 18. Okay, so you see this while...

What are you... How do you fuck up this? How do you fuck this up? I'm sitting there being like, hold on, before we go off-road, I know that there's usually a switch where you can change the differential. All right, so you're Navigator now, and I switch spots with him. I think we need to go four-wheel drive. This is happening while Normal gets further and further into the... I'm buckled in. Stay back. So Normal, on his own...

Oh, this village is close. He gets close enough to sort of figure out what's happening. Normal, as you run forward, you can see a long, long... It initially, from the distance, looked like, oh, this must be a really big, really wide village. This must take up a pretty big amount of space. As you get closer, you see that it's actually a relatively...

small village, but with a really long line of people leading out of it, all of whom are holding torches. And as you run, you sort of get up to the end of this line. Are you still terrified? Are you going to keep running? Like, what are you going to? So I'm running, I'm seeing people and they're walking towards me. They're walking in the same direction that you're running. Basically, they're all heading towards this village and you've just come into the end of what looks to be as you continue to run and

You see people going like, no cutting. Well, actually, it's okay if you could. I would prefer it if you cut. You see them sort of looking at you with dour faces and frustrated looks in their eyes. So normal, like someone who's late for their flight and is trying to make his way through TSA is apologizing to every single person in line as he cuts away. Hi, I'm really sorry, but there's a giant scary monster in the sky. I really need to get inside. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. So you come to a couple of wooden gates that have a couple of guards there. But as they see you running up, they

They go like, oh, absolutely. No problem. Thank you. Wow. Really great customer service. Yeah. Did you guys see that, though? You guys see the big scary thing in the sky? We should all probably get inside. That's probably the thing to do. So they open the wooden gates. And as the wooden gates open, I feel like this would actually stop you in your tracks. So you see the line is circling around the interior of this sort of camp. And in the center of the camp seems to be a very large vat full of some

Steaming, very thick, yellow, viscous fluid. And the smell is familiar. You can't quite place it. But you see a couple of people from that line are pushed by two of these guards into that vat. And they scream in agony as they begin to get...

burn and you see a tube leading from this steaming vat of something yellow and these bodies and it snakes its way up to what looks to be a bright red and yellow throne. It's bright yellow with dots of red around it. On this throne is a very large, very old man with a red polo shirt and the tube is leading directly into his veins. And as the vat of this liquid begins to bubble, roll perception right now.

18. 18. With an 18, you can immediately recognize that smell. It was the one time that Lark took you out for some non-vegan food and he went, let me introduce you to pizza. And

And you can smell the cheese in that vat. You can see the throne that he's sitting on. And you see, as the people who've been pushing this vat melt and die within it, the guards who just push them in put their hands to their chest and then outward, and they say, better ingredients, better pizza, all for the papa. And he goes, as the cheese enters his veins. Well, I'm going to go. And two big hands solidify on your shoulders. They go, no, no, no.

You're next, and they push you towards the big bat. It's just a matter of time till we make it.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today For tomorrow makes the day can't change We gotta pick ourselves up, not today Just start with tomorrow

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campo says Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlo. And Freddie Wong, that's me, as Taylor Swift. Theme Song is On My Way by Maxson Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

We are supported by a Patreon, and some of the patrons who support us are people with names like MJ, Audrey, FabulousPhoenixBoy, Mike McGar, Roger Ho, Stikus, Ash Smelkinson, JigThePuff, The Will, LemonShorts, Jen Finch, aka UnseenLibrarian, Steven Belsky, Tyson Yu, MJak10,

We'll see you next time.

the art that is generated by the community is stunning. We also do an after show after every episode. It was called Talking Dad in the previous season. It's Teen Talk this season. That's where you can get some behind the scenes banter. But more importantly, you can get ridiculous stories like the one time Matt completely obliterated an entire cafe in Edinburgh with a Coke bottle.

That plus a whole bunch of bonus content, videos, one shots, a whole bunch of stuff for you to listen and watch. That's at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Twitter, Dungeons and Dads. Subreddit, Dungeons and Daddies. Next episode is coming out Tuesday, August 9th. We will see you then.

Where does it say area of effect so I know not to do this again? Always read the fine print. Yes.