Ep. 8 - The Battle Axe of Hatred Pt. II
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hey folks, Freddy here. Before we begin today, I want to tell you that we just launched our Patreon. So if you've enjoyed our premium dad antics and would like to contribute to help make this show happen, please head on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Thank you. It's hardcore history. How far would you go to save the life of your son?

It's a question worth asking because in our modern, some would say, sheltered lives, we don't really ever have to face those kinds of life or death questions at all, now do we?

The idea of stealing a magical weapon from a group of thieves calling themselves the Red Brands to free your son from a wizard's curse might be unthinkable to us. Yet that is exactly what four dads set out to do on a cold night in the forests outside Waterdeep. Now the plan was, and I'm pulling from a number of sources here, to take a page out of Germany's playbook during the Battle of Bolimov.

where, on the 31st of January, 1915, they deployed poison gas on the battlefield. These dads would engage in their own form of chemical warfare by attempting to use their minivan to smoke out the red bran hideout with vape juice infused with drug flowers. Lest you think they would be affected themselves, well, they had a plan for that. One of the fathers, I believe I read somewhere it was Daryl Wilson, said,

told the others that urine would stop the effects of the smoke, saying, quote, If you pee on a cloth, I was listening to hardcore history and they peed on their faces. Now those of you who are familiar with this program will know, I've never said anything about urine being an effective means to stop poison gas. Listening to Daryl would be a mistake, and that mistake would soon prove deadly.

♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a D&D podcast about four dads flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong, and I play Glenn Close, rock and roll dad. Fun fact about Glenn this week, that despite espousing the rock star lifestyle to all the other dads and all the other strangers around him, Glenn Close has done a total of $15 of damage to a hotel, and that was when he... And that was when...

And that was when he stole a really nice looking wine, like uncorker thing from a particularly nice hotel and decided to keep it. Was it a Hyatt? No, it was like one of those nice fancy hotels somewhere on the California coast. 15 bucks is pretty good for a wine uncorker. That's a, they wanted to keep him on the accounts there. And the fun thing I like about this podcast and the character I play is how much of this is Freddie's real life and how much of this is Glenn Close? You'll never know.

I'm Matthew Arnold, and I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's a barbarian. And a little fun fact about Daryl, his favorite holiday is Tax Day. Oh, God. Oh, man. Well, also, when Tax Day comes around, he already does taxes about three months ago. Man, after my own heart. Matt's favorite day is October when he remembers that he delayed his taxes and then has to do them again.

Oh my God.

Henry dropped off his kids at his grandparents' house. Well, not his grandparents, at their grandparents' house one time when they were little boys. And Henry's dad, Henry Sr., who's pretty hardcore, spanked one of them. Oh, no. But won't tell anyone.

Henry which one it was. Oh my God. Your kids aren't narcs, so they won't. And then the kids aren't stitches. So he knows one of them has been expanked exactly one time by their grandparent and they don't, and he doesn't know which one it is. Is that like weird? Is that like, how do people feel about spanking now? The speed at which Matt said no. It's not weird for your character to have that as a moment. Yeah. I mean, I like, I'm not psyched about it as a person, but I don't feel like it's a bad thing to be in the podcast.

Okay. All right. Well, cool. By the way, you can't ask the opinion of spanking from the Asian in the podcast. I got spanked as a kid. I got spanked. I wish I hadn't. It was bullshit. I got spanked. Yeah, me too. That's why we're all doing this podcast. Oh my God. Yeah, it turns out. Wait, Freddie, is there some Asian stereotype about spanking? Oh, it's like from a cultural thing. It is like capital punishment and spanking are like the two knowns of Asian culture. My mom is Thai. I can verify this is seconded.

Like pro or against? Like pro. 100%. Like pro. 100% pro. Henry's a pretty free-range new age parent, so this definitely stressed him out a lot. He's definitely worried that one kid is a little off kilter, but he doesn't know which one it is. Henry was Googling what is spanking's effect on children. Is only one spanking enough to affect? Are there any double blind studies on twins where one has been spanked and the other hasn't one time?

Can you just make one and the other one feels it because of the twin connection? Oh my god. Wait, are they twins? Yeah, they're twins. Oh my god. Alright. Are you kidding me? I forgot they were twins. Are you kidding me? I thought they were like a year apart. No! Every NBC is like, oh, it's the same person. You didn't pay attention? You know. Oh my god.

So that was your parents, right? That was Henry's parents? Henry's parents. Okay, cool. Yeah. So did Henry get spanked? Yeah, did they spank you? Henry got spanked as a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Oh, shit. Another dad fact. Another dad. A really sad dad fact. Another spanking-related fact on this not-a-BDSM podcast. It's not BDSM because these are not consensual spanks. That's true. These are bad spanks. True dad. We're a sex-positive, non-BDSM podcast. So is 99% Invisible, too. Okay.

And with that, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather. Oh, he's also a rogue. Fun fact about Ron. Actually, it's three fun facts that are all linked by. OK, so number one is that Ron thinks that all musicals have to be about animals. OK, and then number two.

is that the only musical that Ron has ever seen is Cats. And then number three is that Ron's favorite musical is Cats.

How does he feel about musicals in general? So far, so good. One for one. So he likes cats. Well, yeah. That's important fact to know that he likes cats. Yeah. Favorite musical. Probably favorite thing. So when Ron hears someone describe another musical like Hamilton, is he just like, oh, they must be all like dogs or something like that? Or like pigs, like ham. I think he thinks that Hamilton is about ham. Oh, my God. Fun fact, I also think Hamilton is about ham.

I don't know how Ron lived this long just like in life, just like in society. It feels like he should have been culled long ago by natural selection. Don't count down luck, baby. So my dad fact this week, and this is just spurred from Freddie talking about his character stealing $15 worth of stuff from a hotel room. So when I was 19, I...

I was invited to an EA promotional event for like the expansion pack for Command & Conquer 3. And they host it. They host this as a Ritz Carlton. And I'm from Phoenix, Arizona, which is the opposite of the Ritz Carlton.

Arizona? So when I was there. So I'm also from Arizona. I thought it would be fun to steal one of the bathrobes. And I was like, they'll never know. Oh, no. And then I stole the bathrobe and I never heard anything else about it. I was like, ha ha. And then I looked up how much the cost for stealing one of them was. And it was like $1,800, which meant that the very nice EA guy who had been hosting all of the community people had to pay out of EA's budget $1,800. Oh, no.

And I got a new job and the head of marketing there is the guy that I made pay $1,800. What a twist! And every day, every day I see him, I pray he does not recognize me as the 19-year-old kid who fleeced him for $1,800. I think we can all

I still agree the real people who were fleecing you were the people who said a replacement towel is $1,800. Oh, no, it was a bathroom. It was a terrycloth bathroom. I still feel like that's a bit high for a bathroom. Yeah, it's bullshit. It's the Ritz Carlton. That $1,800 is why Battlefront 2 had microchips. If you want to clean your conscience, download Battlefront and buy... And buy what?

$1,800 worth of loot boxes. You lost me in pronouncing it like battle front. Like it's two words. Battle front two. Star Wars. All right, you guys want to pretend to be wizards and shit? Let's go. Let's dive in.

Matt fucked up his role, failed, hit himself in the face with his pommel of his axe, and then also very quickly learned that urine does not eliminate the psychotropic effects of the drugs in this world. The hardest lesson to learn, really. Hey, Daryl, sounds like... Oh, boy. ...urine trouble. Oh, boy.

I don't even need to tell you what to do. You all know what to do. In character, Daryl Wilson would obviously not respond with any sort of joke. I am currently vomiting and I forgot everything, which is why I forgot that there were twins. Wink, wink. I was in character in this at the beginning. I'm just going to point out that for the first time, you are in a position where you could redirect that damage to a hostile enemy.

I know, but I play by the rules and I'm throwing up, so I'm not making a joke. Is there a separate rule for in-character dad jokes versus dad jokes that I just make because I'm sad? Yeah.

And I want attention. As we've just found from, I think, the intro of this, there is so little difference between our characters and us that I'm just going to treat them as one and the same. All right, guys. Pony up. Yep. Everybody roll a D4 of damage or come up with your own dad joke so you can redirect it to somebody else. God. Sounds like our prospects here are really in the toilet.

Boom! That's good, that's good, that's good. Thank you for calling it good. It was good. That was a good joke, Beth. We should have peon these peons. All right. All right. All right. I'll allow it. I don't know why I'm allowing it. I want to redirect this to one of the guards. So I'm assuming all of you are redirecting to the guards? Yes. Except for me, which I just took three damage. Absolutely.

As I'm floating, if I'm vomiting, is it kind of like a WALL-E type in space moment where I'm like... Where it's like projecting you backward. Yeah, like is that how the gravity works here? Am I moving around? Peter Gabriel's lightly wafting in the background. The force of your dad jokes becomes physicalized and you see this force just move through the air and hit the ruffian that just rang the alarm in the face and he takes four damage.

Sweet. So now you are properly in combat, so everybody roll initiative. Not to do your job for you, I feel like I probably have a disadvantage for initiative, right? Yeah, that's a good idea. I like that. 14. 12. 18. That's a seven for me. My initiative can vote. Hmm.

And buy cigarettes. And watch pornography legally or whatever. Legally. Because that's always stopped kids in the past. Your initiative is of age. Is of age. Okay, so. My initiative cannot have sex with your initiatives. There's going to be a few people under 18 who are like, wait, is it illegal for me to watch porn right now?

A good third of our listener base just started sweating. And to all of those who are in that base, the police are on their way. They know what you did. They saw you scroll down to 1901 for your birthday because you thought it was so funny. And your parents do know, by the way. Yeah. You open all those tabs. You don't need to open all those tabs. Your parents know and so do we. You know what I just realized? I don't even think, are those age gate things even a thing anymore? Yeah. It's still like a legal requirement for them to have an age gate thing. All the websites know I'm old now. Okay.

They're like, welcome back. They're like, aren't you married? You're like, shut up! First off, it will be Henry's turn. It's Henry's turn. So what do I see? I'm like around the corner. Where am I? So yeah, you're around the corner and you can see poor Daryl doing all kinds of horrible things. I'm spin wheeling in midair. You can see Glenn just whiffed on the other guard.

And the guard that Glenn whiffed on blew into a whistle and was shouting, alarm, alarm. You hear some, like, footsteps inside of the warehouse. Or do we? Are they floating? Oh, yeah. What happened with our weed match? I don't know. Maybe you'll find out when you open the door. Oh. Okay. So there's two guards in front of me, though. Correct. Okay. And we don't because the van's in the back because Lizard Scales McStuffins is flooding the engine to smoke everyone out, right? Okay. Ron's next to me, right?

Yep. I'm going to consult with Ron. Sounds like a good plan. Ron, what do you think we should do? We're in a real gym jam here. It looks like our boys ambush didn't go so well. That's true, Henry. If I were in this situation, which I am, I would, I don't know. What were you thinking?

Henry decides to redirect his energy towards the battle. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take one of them. You take the other one, okay? Which one is which? You take the one on the left, and I'll take the one on the right. All right. Let's do it. Let's do it. Okay. I'm going to, let's see. Am I going to use a little razzle dazzle on these guys? I got so many options. I'm just going to run up screaming.

with my light hammer. Okay. And I'm going to hit one of them on the head. Sounds perfect. This is real Dungeons and Dragons, everybody. Finally! Finally! Finally, one melee attack without any dumb fucking dad jokes. It's about fucking time. It's what we've been waiting for.

Alright, I'm gonna do it. Hot dice coming in. Alright, here we go. And I even got a boring roll on it, an 11. God, I love this game. Gosh, what a rush! Tip of the bell curve! Minus one to hit, so a 10. Wait, what? I think because I'm bad because I have minus one strength? So, yeah, you come up with your light hammer and completely unused to the idea of even attacking another human being with a weapon.

You kind of just like swing just generally in his space and you're just like, you're like a foot away from him just in front. He just sees it go right past his face and nothing. And I say, sorry. Now it is Glenn Close's turn. Am I affected by the aforementioned? No, because you were not hurt. You didn't have to like to breathe back in. So you can tell what's going on now. You're going to have to like. Avoid the smoke or whatever. Yeah. I mean, you'll have to avoid the smoke, but I'm not going to make you roll to like avoid it. Cause it's like, you could just choose to hold your breath and like,

whatever sure sure and who's who's the closest to me there is a red brand ruffian right next to you with a blowing on a whistle saying alarm alarm can you see me as i flourish with my nunchucks yes he can see you so then you'll see the six flourish as it whips from my left to my right okay and then he sees again all right you not yourself

Again, take damage. That would be 1d6 of nut damage. Oh my god. And, uh, oof, 3 damage. We'll never be a father again. So this guy looks to his left and sees he's got vomit and like floating and he turns his right and sees you hit yourself in the nuts and you also take a suck in and you start fucking vomiting and start floating and like... And then Henry just swung with a hammer and missed. Yeah.

Ron, it's up to you. Okay. Okay. I take both components of my disassembled pre-assembled. Skip it. And I throw them individually at the same time at both guards. Oh, what a move. Double ninja star action. Okay.

I bet may I'm describing Ron's action. I am moving my hands forward as if throwing with both of my hands at the same time. And it looks hella cool. I'll tell you right now, it looks maybe like the least powerful thing anyone's ever done in history.

It's like somebody like directing air traffic control after their wrist got broken. But in the coolest way possible. Okay, so if you want to do that, you can do that. You're just going to roll an attack against both guys, but you'll have disadvantage on both of them. Okay. So this is the first dude.

16. Roll again, you're gonna take whatever is lesser. 15. So you're gonna do 1d6 plus two because we're basically pretending that your shimitar according to the character sheet is a skip it. Awesome. All right, so roll damage on the first guy. Holy shit. Whoa. Six plus two, eight. Wow, okay. So here's what happens.

The first guy. So which part of the skippet did you throw at this guy? The skipp or the ball? I'm going to say the ball. Okay. The shot put. Yeah. Was it just a, it was just a mace, right? It was like a morning star? Yeah. Okay. So this guy turns, sees vomiting to his right and then sees vomiting to his left. It goes, what? And as he's about to say what, your ball comes in and just impacts into his face and just crushes his skull. Oh my God. And he is fucking dead. So the last thing he sees. Oh my God.

It's a grown man floating in the air vomiting, another man nutting himself. And then air traffic control. And before all that, he got hit by the dad joke. So it was like the most confusing and last seconds of his entire life. That's how I want to go. Okay, so that dude's just fucking dead. Now you can roll for the second dude.

And the second one, the skip part of the skip, it just whooshes past and he is unharmed. So that guy, he turns to look at you, one of the two only non-completely incompetent people in this fight, and is going to come up to you and attack you with his short sword.

So he hits you with both of his attacks and you take 10 damage. Poor Ron. And then as his short sword cuts a chunk out of your shoulder, the door behind him busts open and you see three more red band ruffians coming out, waving their hands in front of them, trying to dissipate the smoke. They have a little bit of vomit on their chest. LAUGHTER

But it seems like they didn't get much of it. And behind them, you can see that the bat moved around a little bit, but he didn't have enough time to fully fill the space. And there's definitely one room in the back that you can see smoke coming through a crack in a door that seems like it's definitely smoked out. But in this large antechamber that makes up the majority of the warehouse, it feels like it didn't have time to fully get smoked out. So you're going to have to deal with these three as well. So now there are four Red Banded Ruffians remaining. And with that, it is now Daryl Wilson's turn. Daryl Wilson floating, unsure of where he is.

vomiting, sees three gentlemen come out through a door and Daryl Wilson puts his arm out and says, hi, my name's Daryl Wilson. All right. Go ahead and roll persuasion because you're persuading them to be nice. That is an 11. The three dudes stop in confusion.

And one of them sort of slowly reaches out his hand as well. Does he grab my hand? Yeah, he does. I go, sorry for vomiting on your doorstep there, sir. I got to be honest. I don't quite know where...

Am I floating? You are. Yeah. Uh-huh. And then as he's saying that, he turns and he sees the dead skull fractured, impacted red brain next to him. And he goes, oh, and the guard that is next to Freddy goes like, they're attacking. No, we have to do. They're attacking. And they go, oh, OK. I follow his gaze when he looks down and I see this collapsed skull and I go, what the? And I vomit.

All over them. Okay. Roll constitution. You want to fail this. Yes. Yes. Eight. Perfect. Okay. So you. Oh, sorry. Plus two. This 10. Oh, nevermind. I'm just joking. I'm joking. So yeah, you vomit all over all three of them.

And so for the next round, while they're dealing with that, people will have advantage for attacks to hit against them. You're welcome, everybody. Quick question. How long is combat? And do I actually forget for five minutes? You forget whatever happened in the last five minutes. So you remember everything about the plan and everything, just whatever happened in the last five minutes. So I feel like I'm recovering. It was a moment of complete, I wasn't sure what's going on, but okay.

Yeah, I'm coming back. You're basically back to normal next round. That's fine. Okay, so now it is Henry's turn again. Henry is going to have a weird moment. Oh, man. As he feels really weird about what just happened with this hammer. And then he senses like an anger inside him, a power inside him. And he turns into a bear. Ooh. Yes. Well, you can turn into bears, too. I can turn into any animal I've seen before.

And he saw a grizzly bear once at the San Diego Zoo. San Diego Zoo is the entire basis of your power. That $200 day trip forms the foundation of all of your magical powers. Well, it's not going to turn into a wolf because I told him if he turns into a wolf, I'm going to try to ride him. You

You'll get your chance, Matt. Don't you worry. I'm just going to say Daryl riding a bear is also maybe the best image. That's true. Both of them is hot as hell. So I bear out. Sounds good. Bear with me. It's a story break crossover as Henry says bear with me and turns into a bear. I don't know what a bear's shit is. Can we look this up? Sorry. I feel like I'm grinding us to a halt here. Brown bear, fifth edition.

I mean, they really nerfed the bears ever since fourth. So you can bite, which is a plus five to hit with one D eight plus four piercing damage. Or you could try to claw, which is plus five to hit. And it's two D six plus four. Why would you ever bite? I'm going to claw. All right. All right. I'm feeling like, oh my God, you make multi attacks. Oh shit. You do a bite and a claw. This is way too powerful. Extremely imbalanced.

Can you do that like once a day probably? I can do it twice per short rest. What? And I can stay as a bear for an hour.

I'll look that up after the session. All right, well, I'm getting away with it now. So I just roll a d20? You're going to roll a d20. All right. First, tell me, are you trying to attack the guys that got vomited on or the guy who is not vomited on? The guy I just missed with the hammer. Okay, so the guy who's not vomited on. Yes. All right. I got an 11 plus 5, right, to hit? Okay, so that hits him with a bite. And now go ahead and roll damage for the bite. So that'll be a d8 plus 4. Which one of these fuckers is a d8? It's like two pyramids ass to ass.

S to S. S to S. I got a four. Okay, so that's eight damage from that. Now hit him with the claws. Okay, and now he gets the claws.

I did not so great at the call. I got a 13 including the bonus. Yeah, it just barely just whiffs past him. You hit him for eight damage so he's looking bloodied. Sweet. Now it is Glenn Close's turn. So we got three guys with disadvantage. We got one guy that's getting currently mauled by a bear that came out of nowhere. Very similar to one from the San Diego Zoo. I want to say specifically it's a panda. If

if I can. Oh my gosh. That's adorable. That's great. That's really good. To be fair, panda stats are slightly lazier. Lazier. Yeah. Like you can't fuck and you're not as bad. Yeah. Yeah. You have horrible seduction roles. Yeah. All your seduction roles don't work and you have to eat way more plants. Where does this come from? Are pandas not sexy? Yeah, pandas are. They don't have sex. Pandas will not have sex with each other.

They're like the only creature that is trying to become extinct. They kind of just figured out that life is better if you just sit around eating bamboo rather than trying to get on a game. And then the best part about bamboo is that it provides so little nutrition to them that they have to eat ungodly amounts of it. Dude, no, for real, I went to the San Diego Zoo last year and we saw this new like baby boy panda and he was like 14-year-old Will. It was just this panda splayed out in a tree just double fisting bamboo. All he needed was an Xbox controller

and it was like, it was just like, it was like a Seth Rogen movie or something. It was hilarious. A 14-year-old Will had a lot of sex though. I plead the fifth. It's like 20-year-old Bev on her couch eating Laffy Taffys for like six months. The dream, essentially. If they go extinct, they go out doing what we all wish we had the courage to do. Which is nothing. Yeah.

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So I'm woozy and floating, but I did see Ron get chunked by that short sword. So I'm going to cast Cure Wounds on Ron, which I assume is within touch range, right? Yep. Cure Wounds touches hit points equal to 1d8 plus my spellcasting ability modifier. So that's 2d8 plus 3. I feel like as a bard rock dad, this is like a restorative high five, right? Yeah, it's a fist pound. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a, hey, hey, you're looking a little tired there. Get your head in the game. Let's do this. Let's finish this show. And I hold my fist out for a fist bump. I put my hand around it. And that heals you for 11. Wow. You got all your HP back. Oh, man. I feel rejuvenated. I mean, I feel rejuvenated. This heal went up to 11.

All right, and on that note, it is now Ron Stampler's turn. Let's see. Can I do something to... I was thinking about doing something with my pants, as I often do. But I would like to distract the guards, the remaining guards, using my transmutation cantrip. Okay. Describe it.

Okay, so... Is Ron just going to run screaming into the woods? No, no, it's not. Oh, what is it? Okay, so how do you pronounce this? Thaumaturgy? Thaumaturgy? Which is create an instantaneous sound that originates from a point of your choice within range, such as a rumble of thunder or ominous whispers. So Ron's version of this is called Daddy's Home. Oh my God. And it's the enemy briefly hears the frightening voice of Ron's father from around them. Whoa.

Whoa. Okay. So what I'll say is that you can try to do that, but because they're already in combat and they saw somebody die, you are definitely more their immediate concern than the sound of your dad potentially. You would think. You can roll intimidation, but you'll be at disadvantage. Okay. Big rolls. Let's do it. Big daddy rolls. Big daddy rolls. That's a nine. Why don't you roll again? Because it might be worse even. Oh, yikes. Okay.

14. All right. So yeah. What did your dad say? I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. They hear that and they look at you because it seems to have affected you far more than it affected them. I'm crying from the wound. Oh no.

And they just kind of shrug it off and continue to attack. So there are still four of these dudes. The three guys, the baddies, are going to spend their actions shaking the vomit from their eyes so that you no longer have advantage against them, but they did have to waste all turn getting the vomit off of them. And the fourth one is going to attack the bear. How much HP does this bear have? I'm going to check that very shortly. All right, so hits you with its short sword for three damage, and then it hits you with its short sword.

And does it hit? Does it hit? Does it hit, daddy? Daddy, tell me. It does. So it hits you altogether for...

This is a joke. What? You have 34 hit points as a bear. Yes. He hits you for six damage, and it means nothing to you, apparently. Hey, so for six damage? Yeah. All right, so that'll knock me down to 28, which is two above my normal full health. Good lord. From now on, I'm role-playing a bear who turns into a druid every now and then. Every now and again. I do like the idea that you can just pick anything.

any animal from the San Diego Zoo. I know. There's so many at the zoo. It's going to be a giraffe, a rhinoceros. An armadillo. There we go, an armadillo. Wow. All right. Well, I take the hit. Yep. And I say, hey, boo-boo. All right, Daryl Wilson, sir. Okay, so I'm... I will bet you $20 Matt is about to try to jump on me. Oh, no, no.

So there's three armed people right in front of me. I forgot the last five minutes. I look over at, I'm like, Glenn, what the hell's happened? Hey, man. I think we're in a fight. Weren't we supposed to do an ambush? I don't know, man. This stuff's hitting me pretty hard. What? I shake off and I look and I see three armed men in front of me and I evoke rage. Okay. And now when I evoke rage, I have ancestral protectors, which I didn't read until recently. Okay.

I thought it was a cool name. I thought all it did was make sure that if they don't attack me, they get disadvantage on anybody else they try to attack. Okay. But the important thing is, is that the reason that happens is because...

From my body comes the spectral spirits of all of Daryl Wilson's favorite fathers. Whoa! Wait, how many fathers do you have? So my own father steps out and begins circling the men, and he reaches out his hand, and he goes, hi, nice to meet you. And he starts shaking their hands. Abraham Lincoln steps out.

George Washington steps out. And Mike Brady from the Brady Bunch steps out. Oh, my God. Daryl Wilson's favorite show. Is either that or it's going to be Tool Time. Favorite show. Steps out. And begins circling them and just imbuing them with dad knowledge. Just to be like, hey, you know, you guys shouldn't be fighting. Hey, hey, hey. And they're just talking. Okay. As a man who's studied the presidents, can you give me a little bit of, like, what is Washington saying and what is Lincoln saying? Uh...

I'm sure glad I have all these slaves. And Abraham Lincoln would be like, oh, you're not going to keep those for much longer. So I evoke rage and then I swing at the one in the middle of those three. Okay. So you can evoke rage as a, as like a bonus action. As a bonus action. I evoke rage and it lasts for one minute. Go ahead and swing.

That's a three. So I miss. All of your favorite dads are very disappointed in you. All of them stop and they just turn to look at you and they just kind of silently shake their heads. I stare at my dad and...

I go, I miss you. Oh my God. I put my head down. Oh my God. How did Daryl's dad die? Did he, did he die or did he just leave? We'll get to there at some point. All right. He's dead though. Okay. That's why he's a ghost. He didn't leave and become a ghost.

I kind of just imagine that these were the spirits of the way that you view them rather than like literally their spirits. So you're related to George Washington and Abraham Lincoln? If you're an American, we're all related to you. We're all related to the founding fathers. Ready? Ron hears that. Ron hears that excuse and then he perks up. Oh.

All right. Wow. All right. We are back to Henry Oak's turn. Henry Oak in bear form rears in astonishment at the appearance of four ghost dads and then lets out a patriotic growl at the sight of Abraham Lincoln. He's so pumped up. He's going to hit this guy again with his big bear claws. Sounds good. Can you swing those two attacks on two different people? Yeah.

Oh, maybe I'll do that then. Maybe I'll bite one and hit the other with my claws. Yeah, I mean, I think you can bite one and then see if it kills him and then choose to hit another guy or whatever. Let's do that. Let's start with that bite. Shasha. Got an eight plus five, so 13. Not quite enough. Just barely your teeth. Just right out of... I bit my bear tongue. Ow.

All right, I'm going to go ahead and I'm maddened. I rolled a nine plus 514. That hits. Bingo! 2d6 plus three. Oh, shit. Plus four, actually. I just looked up. So that's, I rolled nine plus four is 13 damage. Okay, so you just bisect him. There was one of him and now there's just two parts of him and he just dies very quick. So quickly, he doesn't even know what happened. The bear part of Henry is very stoked, but the human part of Henry who's in control is very horrified at what just happened.

So it is Glenn Close's turn again. So we got one who's been bisected. Yeah, you only have three living ones remaining. They were the ones that had been vomited on that are now standing in front of Floaty Daryl. So the substance use has put me in a somewhat social mood. So I'm going to cast a first level spell, Charm Person. Okay. I'm going to attempt to charm one of those three post-vomit. I kind of tap them on the shoulder. I'm like, hey man, pretty sweet robes you got going on there. I dig it. I think that the...

I think that really kind of compliments the whole outfit you guys got going. I like your guys' whole style, your whole steez. All right. This person must attempt to do a wisdom saving throw with advantage. With advantage? Oh, because we're in combat? You're in combat, and there's a wisdom of saving throw of 13. Okay. So that's...

He fails. All right. So what happens now is that is charmed by you until the spell ends or until you or your companions do anything harmful to it. The charm creature regards you as a friendly acquaintance. When the spell ends, the creature knows it was charmed by you. So you say all those nice things to him and he like pauses for a second and kind of cocks his head and he goes like a hog. He's like, it's my old peck. Ignize you.

We totally fumbled a handshake, but it's fine because we're buds. Yeah, you got like, he goes for a handshake and you go for like a hug and then like you do the like, but it's charming and endearing. And we're like, this is the exact weird dance we used to do. It's our whole thing. Messing up handshakes. What you doing here, man? Man, this is romantic as hell.

We were just looking for this. I heard you guys got this sick axe in there, dude. So as you say that, the other two are like, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? That'll be your turn. So he's on your side now. So when it comes time for the bandit's turn, he will do whatever you want him to do. Now it is Ron's turn. Okay. Ron sees the chain part of the skippet in the distance and he's going to try to

Just empowered by, honestly, the rage of his father's voice and all those other fathers just being disappointed in another father. There's just a lot of fatherly sorrow that's fueling his anger right now. And so he's just going to try to, like, he missed that one throw, but he's going to go find that chain. Gosh darn it. Okay.

And then he's going to try to strangle somebody with it. Okay, so I'll just say you just get the chain, no problem, because I would usually have you do an opportunity attack, but the person who would do that for Will just bisected. So you just get the chain. Let's say, are you going to try to choke them from the front or from behind? From behind. Okay, so then roll stealth to see if you can get behind them without them noticing. Five plus four, that's nine. Okay. They rolled a crit fail. Oh!

The suspense. So you easily come up behind them because they're so busy being irritated that one of their friends is all of a sudden like buddy, buddy with the floating vomiting guy with one of the two floating vomiting guys. So go ahead and roll a roll and tack on them.

Eight. Okay, so you get the chain over his head, but as you're about to pull it tight, he sees what you're doing and then puts a hand up to grab the inside of the chain. And so now you two are sort of struggling together and he's got his hand on your weapon. So he's gonna have to deal with that as his action. So it's now the baddie's turn. So his action is gonna be, he's gonna try to do a strength check to sort of duck under the chain.

Why don't you roll strength? 10 plus one. Ooh, okay. So he doesn't make it. You pull it tighter and you've just got him restrained now. Okay. The second guy, Freddy, you get to determine what he does. You're friends. I feel like because, so I have some that allows me to have these guys attack. So I have a second level one that's called Crown of Madness, which is like a mosh pit. So this one is just your friend. So I think this is like my good college buddy. So if someone attacks me, I feel like he would be like, hey, what the heck? This is my buddy, Glenn.

Glenn. Like what the hell? Like he would be, can I throw an idea? Let's hear it. I have an idea. I was thinking about this earlier. Is this the guy with the whistle? Like the, the alarm whistle? That was the guy you killed. The guy with the alarm was covered in blood in two sections. We, can we like blow that whistle again? It's like a, Hey, false alarm whistle. Oh,

Like in Thief, like when the guards are alerted and then you hide for a second and then they're like, I guess nothing happened. Must have been rats. Back to my normal life. Like, can we do like that? Okay, so I'm going to try. I like that. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to try and pull him over to the side so he doesn't see like what is clearly about to happen. Like, I feel like we've been having a conversation like catching up on old college times.

and I'm going to put my arm around him and kind of lead him over. Well, he's going to lead me because I'm floating, but kind of turn him away. He's carrying you like a little child's balloon on a string. There's just so much we have to catch up on. We were such good buddies back in college. Bard College? Is this Bard College? Yeah, what are you saying to him, Freddie? Yeah, we took the pickup artist course together. Hey, how's the game going? But the point being is that so he doesn't see what the chaos that is currently happening, and the persuasion here is I'm going to be like,

Dude, it's been like a wild night. Like these two guys, they got in a fight. Like you see this, this guy bashed the other guy's head in. Like it sounded like you guys got a little dissent in the ranks here. I feel like, I mean, you heard the whistle, but I think that's a kind of false alarm. I think we should, you know, maybe, you know. Okay, roll deception with advantage because he has turned. 15.

15. Okay. That succeeds. And he goes like, oh man, you're right. This is just like that one frat party that you guys have frats here. There's just like that one party that you guys had. Remember? We have frats there. Extremely deadly. Yeah. Like those deadly frats. Like they come from the ground underneath. Many tentacles and many eyes.

The frats are creatures of great fear. Just wait until you hear about the sororities. We talked about that all the time in college. Yeah, sororities are actually pretty nice. They get a bad rap because people tend to be really anti-women for kind of no reason, but like they're generally fine. No, like as a woman, sororities are the worst. Are they really? Yeah, they're horrific. I don't know that. Okay, so yeah, he goes, yeah, good point. I feel like these guys might get even more upset if the alarm keeps going. So let me just take a quick look.

And he takes out his whistle and does the exact noise that I just made. Wait, he takes out the whistle, but he just makes the noise. Yeah, he does it into the whistle, and it barely goes through and comes out a little bit more high-pitched. And the third guy, who still saw the second guy get strangled, and he still has his action left, he goes, dude, what the fuck are you doing? And he moves to take out his whistle, and...

Then he thinks, no, actually, I should probably deal with the guy that's choking my friend out first. So he turns and tries to attack Ron.

And crit fails. What? Oh no! Now the tables have turned, Daddy Master! So he's, in his attempt to attack Ron, he accidentally attacks the guy that Ron is strangling. And he does three damage to him. So he takes his short sword out and tries to hit Ron in the face, but just misses and cuts off the guy's ear. He goes, oh, oh, my bad, my bad. I'll try again, I'll try again. It'll be different this time, I promise. Why are you kidding me?

The chances of that are literally 1 in 400. Did you crit fail again? I did. Oh, no. My goodness. He goes, it was going to be different this time. And then it's not different this time. Again, for three damage. And he cuts off his other ear and he goes, whoa! It was different in a different way, I guess. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. That many crit fails in a row. That's pretty eerie. Because I like, oh, my God. All right, everybody roll a d4 or add on top of it.

Ron is like, what's that? You're attacking me? I can't hear you. Okay, okay, okay. Daryl Wilson takes four damage. He's going to use Stone's Endurance to protect himself from this dad joke that he just heard. I feel like those are the two words that Daryl furiously thinks when he's getting soft during sex. Stone's Endurance.

Come on, Carol. You know your man's got Stone's Endurance. Six. I stopped all that damage. It's like Daryl's equivalent of Bed Bath & Beyond. Stone's Endurance. Stone's Endurance. Freddy's going to his mind palace right now. Yeah.

He's like doing stuff with his hands like Sherlock to like push shit out of the way. I feel like you guys just be able to do it. Otherwise, I know. I know. I know. It's a tough one. It's like, can I do one for Freddie just to show off? Yeah. I mean, it won't help him. You'll just be showing off and shaming him. You cut off his ears. Talk about a lobe blow. I had a lobe one that I was working on shit. Yep.

Alright, so that's 2d4. You gotta take a d4. So which guard are you gonna attack? Are you gonna attack with those d4s of yours? The guy who lost his ear or the guy who took the ears? The guy who lost his ears didn't hear these. That's true. Oh, that's a really good point. Okay, so the guy who took the dude's ears off takes 2d4 of damage.

Okay, so he takes four damage, which is nothing to sneeze at. Also, your friend, like your baddie friend who got charmed was like, oh my god, you are joking. These guys are, there's all kinds of dissent. They're fucking bushing each other. Oh my god. Yeah, man. It sounds like you guys got a little discipline problem going on here. Literally. Is that what's going on? Oh, no. It is once again Daryl's turn.

I mean, I guess Daryl Wilson just swings an axe at Dungeon Dragon stuff. You had a pretty good turn last turn when four presidents came out of your butt or whatever. Are the presidents still there? I mean...

Have they dissipated into the mist? Yeah, they're kind of like, they kind of hover around. In a way, they're always there. Yeah, that's true. They're kind of just like circling around, kind of vaguely saying dad stuff. And, you know, the fact that Daryl fucked up so hard last time, I mean, he's just trying to swing, so. Ah, damn it. I can feel it coming in the ear tonight. Oh, that's terrible. It's too late for it. It's too late for it. But I just, it came to me. Daryl Wilson, despite chanting Stone's Endurance again and again, rolled a four.

So it's a nine. Oh, okay. It almost does something, but not quite. So yeah, you swing with your, what are you swinging with? It's my golf club. Oh yeah. So you swing with your golf club and a bogey. You got a bogey.

As I do it, I can literally see Abraham Lincoln shaking his head at me. A notoriously gray golfer. All right. It's now Henry Oak's turn again for what is almost certainly going to be the last round of combat. Okay, so what do we got? We got a guy with no ears who's getting choked out by a chain. Yeah, and then the third guy is Freddy's friend. Henry Oak is going to debare.

Okay. And then he's going to look at the guy who just cut the friend's ears off. I'm just like, take the L man. All right. Roll a, let's say intimidation. Okay. That's like persuasion. That's pretty friendly.

I got a 14 plus one is 15. He goes, uh, yeah, fair enough. And he sheathes his sword and he's like, I'm just, I'm out. I'm gone. I can't go back in there. They know he knows I did that. I'm not going to kill my friend. So he just walks into the fucking forest and out of this story forever.

So you are now out of combat. The guy with no ears just drops his sword and is like, I... Stop. I'm sorry. Whatever. What do you want? What do you want? Oh, my God. Daryl Wilson, nice to meet you. Daryl Wilson. What?

Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. He reaches out and grabs your hand. I shake it. I bring my guy back over. I'm like, and luckily now his friend can't hear all the lies that I'm pouring into his ear because he's basically deafened by. And I go, hey guys, this is a, and I do that thing where I introduced other people first. So that he'll say his name. This is a Daryl. Hello. Nice to meet you. Oh, he shakes your hand. He goes, hi, hi. I'm Harrison. Harrison. Yeah.

Yeah, Harry. It's me. You're a good pal, Harrelson? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Harrelson. Good old Harry. Cool. Hey, Harrelson. I'm going to turn back away and kind of look at their hideout. So you guys are like hanging on to like an axe or something in there? Ooh, did you come to see the axe? Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. It's in the, ooh, it's in that room with all the smoke coming out of it. That's, I don't know what that's about. Hold on one second, Harry. Let me just consult with my buds here. These guys are cool. Don't worry about it.

I'm going to do a quick dad huddle. Dad huddle? Dad huddle. Can we just ask him to get the axe for us? Yeah, I think that's the way to do it. That's a pretty good idea. He's my bud. But here's the thing. If he does go into that room, he'll start floating and barfing and forget what just happened in the last five minutes. So he'll probably forget that he's there for the axe. We could write on his hand, hey, I'm here to get the axe. So that when he's barfing and floating, he'd be like... It's like that movie. Remember me. Spike it. Spike it.

He could hold his... Hey, Harrelson, how long can you hold your breath? That's a very specific... I don't know. Well, I mean, you could hold your breath, run into a room holding his breath, grab the axe and get out. How big's the room? Wait, what do you want me to do? I've heard that the battle axe of hatred looks especially beautiful in the moonlight.

So we were wondering if we could get a look at that bad boy in the pale light of the moon. And since all your guys seem pretty crazy, like, I don't know if they're going to trust us because they're not as cool as you, Harrelson. Maybe we were thinking, you know, you could go in and get the X from out of that big fort so we could look at it and skip Anthony's dungeon. All right, go ahead and roll persuasion, you piece of shit.

Oh, I have advantage from all my horrible jokes because I'm a horrible person, so I'm going to roll that again. Inspired moment from our boy, Henry. I got a 12. Yeah, let's see. He goes, no, I don't think I want to. It feels like they said it should just stay in that room. I feel like I'm being a cool dude by even letting you guys come in to see it, so don't make me feel like a dick. What if we said, please?

Yeah, no difference. No difference for me. I put my arm around Harrelson. I go, hey, you like everybody in that? Are they your friends in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The red brands, I mean, we're pretty tight. And he puts a hand to his chest. He goes, we're old money. That's pretty cool. So if you care about all those people in there, you can either go get the axe or we're going to go and get the axe and we go get the axe. All your friends are going to look like. And then I turn him to look at all the bodies of his friends and I kind of

put my foot in some of the visceral on the floor. Oh my God. And like that, like that. So those are your two options. And Ron says, looks like that old money is broke. Hell yeah, Ron. Thanks Daryl. That's, that's just like good. That's not even a dad joke. That's just like a good one liner. That's like a David Caruso. Yeah. Oh, that's like a, you Caruso that Ron reaches for his sunglasses and realize he never had them. So Daryl roll intimidation with advantage.

18 plus 1, 19. So he goes like, oh, oh, so your friends are mean. So you got some gangster friends, huh, my man Glenn? Yeah, you know, after college or whatever school we attended, things got a little rough for me, I guess.

Glenn's not very good at making people feel like, but once he's in with you, he's cool. Hey, Harrison. Yeah. Is there like a rank system? Like how are you? Are you up on the ladder here? How are you? How are you in terms of the ladder of middle management? Harrison, are there any like upper, upper management positions available? I have my resume. I mean, one of the guys you just killed was like slightly above me. So I guess, okay, I guess I have his job now. So maybe not. But who has your job? Is there a HR? Yeah.

There is a guy who works for us named HR, correct? Yes. It's me, Harrelson Ron. It's me, yeah. It's me, Harrelson Ron. That's my name. Oh, my first name is Ron. This is such a coincidence. Oh, that's crazy. Darryl Wilson's just like rubbing his head like, I don't get... He's like, oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm scared. What do you want? What do I have to do to not die? Oh, we wouldn't kill you. Your last name's Ron. I mean...

I can't speak for these. All right, Dad Huddle. Well, guys, I just need to make sure if we're going to kill him or not, because if we're going to kill him, I should probably take his last name as his murderer, and then I'll be Ron Ron. Well, Ron Ron, I believe what I was trying to do was that we just send him in to get the axe, and I think he'll do it now, because if he doesn't, we said we'd kill all his friends. Or if I take the position of his former manager, I can fire him if he doesn't get the axe.

I like it. It's a two-pronged approach. Daryl looks over to Henry and Glenn and kind of like raises his hands like, are you guys going to... Could you go get that axe for us maybe? Sure. And if you don't get it, you'll also be fired by your new manager, Ron. I was already so intimidated and now I'm worried about my job security? I know. You've changed since college. I...

Ron reaches out a hand and puts it on his shoulder in a slightly menacing way. And he says, I'm not sure you should be intimidated. I'm just saying your job might not be here if you don't come back with the axe. Oh my God. It's the cruelest thing. Also, our Christmas party is canceled.

Oh, no, I was looking forward to that. Does Harrelson walk away? Yes, Harrelson Ron walks away and goes like, okay, here we go. As he walks away, Daryl looks at Ron and Glenn and be like, good job, guys. That was a team effort. Yeah. Hands in the middle. Honestly, I think we should have the Christmas party regardless of whether he comes back out. That's a great idea. All right. I put my hand in the middle. All right. How bloody is everyone's hands in the middle?

I mean, Henry's are insanely bloody because it was his claws. I'm just, I'm elbow deep in gore and viscera. So I slap my hand on last with like a big wet, like thump sound. And then I say, I'm, this is gross. I need to clean up after this guys. No, this started off pretty rough, but I mean, I called the presidents. You, you charmed a guy. You became a bear and, and Ron, you threw that skip at hella good. I became the boss. Yeah. I say one, two, three doodlers. One, two, three doodlers.

Guys, there's smoke coming out of the room. Do you still want me to go in because there's smoke? Just hold your breath there, Harry. I mean, how bad? Really? Oh, hold on. Let me try this. Let me try this. And I get a pen and I write on his hand, bring the axe out.

Okay. All right. I take the pen and I said, or you're fired. Do you write it on the same hand or does he just have one hand that just says, or you're fired if he looks at it in the wrong order? Same hand, same hand. Okay. All right. Okay. Ron takes the other hand and then ducks him in the pen 15 club. Don't worry about it. That smoke is totally fine and totally cush. Okay. Okay. Here I go. And he runs in and he's going to do a constitution check. He disappears into the smoke and you hear,

I'm sure that sounds great on the podcast. You hear the sound of his feet receding into the distance, and then... You hear a dice roll. Yeah, you hear a dice roll. And then on the return trip, you hear...

Oh, no! You hear vomit. He goes, and puts his hands up to cover the vomit, and then he sees for a split second before he vomits on his hands. You're fired, or you're fired. Good, bring out the axe. Okay, so let's do a wisdom saving throw for that. All right, so he comes out holding something wrapped in a bundle of fabric, going like, ah!

with a vomit just running down his chin, just hoping that this will, like... He actually... Sorry, he doesn't walk out. He, like, floats out. The momentum pulls him over. He's just, like, swimming in the air. Like Willy Wonka style? Yeah, like Willy Wonka. Like, he just fucking took fizzy lifting drink. And, um... Good pull on the name of the drink, by the way. Well, now the ceiling needs to be washed. Uh...

And he fucking comes out looking just very confused and very sad. He's got tears. He's got the painful vomit where just tears are coming out of his fucking eyes and some of the vomit's coming out of his nose because those are connected tubes. And he comes out just holding this bundle and he just drops it on the ground. He goes, help. I need help. Help. Help. I pat him on the back encouragingly and I say, thanks so much, Harrelson. You have a good night. And I just sort of gently push him back in the room and close the door. Oh!

Oh, my God. As this happens, Ron calls out, you did good. This will come up in your next performance review. We don't really have the funds for raises right now, but check in next year.

I was going to give him some water. I was going to, yeah. I have a spell called Goodberry where you can give him a berry and it heals him a little bit. I guess we just threw him in the bar. He was perplexed. He just watches him drift away like, okay. Yeah, you just hear five men in there just vomiting over and over again and in fucking surround sound because they're also pinballing off the walls like the DVD symbol in the menu. Yeah.

We gotta wait for one of them to hit the corner, guys. And I sort of dust my hands, and I'm like, hey, guys, looks like we got ourselves an axe. Okay, so you hear behind you, you hear small feet sort of running up, and then as you turn around, you see, like, oh, it's Nick, cool. And...

He looks at the bundle on the ground. He goes, oh, that's it. That's it. That's it. Let's get in. Go. Let's get in. Go. Point of order. Should we check the bundle to make sure it's actually the axe? Yeah, let's take a quick look. I want to see this axe in the moonlight. Someone told me it looks great in the moonlight. Hold on, Nick. Let me just make sure I'm going to unwrap it so we can see and make sure it is the axe. So Freddie Wong, not Glenn Close. Okay. Describe to me. Who's that? That has been YouTuber. Yeah. Yeah.

Former professional guitar hero player, Freddie Wong. What is your ideal guitar? Oh, okay. Okay. All right. So in terms of ideal guitars, what we're going to be looking at here is probably... I'm already bored. I take it back.

You unveil... You open up the fabric and you see... A PRS styling pre-1994 because in 1994 they switched to CNC machines and their quality took a significant drop. So early 90s PRS, probably single coil. Yeah. And they'll probably do the pearlescent inlays on top of that with the bird frets. I can see that...

Will over there is Googling it to get a sense of what it is. They do a great quilted maple finish on those. It just looks rad. And then you got the sort of inlay, the mother of pearl inlays on top of that. I Googled this and I just see a bunch of fucking guitars. So you realize as you open the fabric that this is not just the battle axe of hatred. This is the battle axe.

of hatred. This is the guitar of, I mean, the brand name on it is a little bit different and, you know, the shape of it is slightly not quite what you're used to on earth, but this is clearly a demonically cool guitar. And as your hand reaches out for it, you can feel an energy within it that is calling to you.

Ooh, I mean, I feel like I'm definitely picking this thing up. Okay, so you now have, as an inventory item, as a potential weapon, the Battle Axe of Hatred. So the way that this will work...

as a weapon is that you need a full action to hype it up to like get it going. To get it tuned up. To get it tuned up. Yeah, get it. You spend an action to tune it up. Once you do that, it's like a melee weapon that gives you plus three to hit. And if you ever connect, you get to do an additional 2d6 damage. Whoa.

But then after that, you need to roll to see if it breaks like Jimi Hendrix smashing a guitar on stage. Oh, like the power of it takes it so far that I smash it. Yeah. You're going to have to roll after every attack with it to see if it breaks or not. Interesting. That's a good mechanic. Yeah. You come with that? Yeah. That's a good mechanic. Wow. So that's something you have now. Guys, I think this is it. Hey, what is it? What do you got there? There's no axe. What is that? Bass? Guitar? It's...

A rockin' six string. It's like, I think this is what Bon Jovi was talking about in Wanted Dead or Alive. That's the six string from the song. My God, it's the one. This is it. Does it sound like an electric guitar? Does it somehow emanate strong, harsh, overdriven riffs from it despite the fact that it is an inanimate object? Yes, it feels like an electric guitar, but it feels like it is powered by the screaming of an ancient and evil lord.

It feels like every single note that comes out of it is just a different pitch of pain and agony and suffering that the thing within this guitar has caused at some point in its millennia-long lifespan. So it sounds like David Lee Roth. If David Lee Roth was a guitar, this is that guitar. Oh, my God.

Yep. So it sounds real good. Does it just look like an electric guitar from our world? It looks like it visually, but when you lock eyes with it, you feel down in your heart and down in the lizard part of your brain, both simultaneously, they're next to each other, that there is something evil about this thing. In like a cool ass way, like in a dope metal way, but there is definitely something inside of this thing that wants to get out.

uh henry oak is going to make a wisdom insight check okay he's getting bad vibes off this guitar let's do it let's do arcana check arcana yeah okay that's for like magic that shit i don't have a bonus in that but let's do it anyway

Your geology will not help you here. I got a nine. So you definitely feel that something inside is alive. It is evil. You do not know what its motives are. Guys, I think that thing Anthony just said, there's something alive in that guitar.

And that's why I can't stop noodling on these scales. Glenn, I feel like as seductive and alluring as this guitar is, we should treat it carefully and we should maybe not try to swing it around all the time. Like this is this bad juju coming off of this thing. Like, you know, I'm no enemy to the classic rock sounds. You know, I've got an acoustic back home, but I just I feel like maybe we should be careful here. That's all I'm saying. Can you play Wonderwall? Yeah.

Yeah, sure. It sounds like this. ♪

That's the most rock and roll rendition of Wonderwall you've ever heard. It turns it from a great song into an even better one. That's right. A banger to the bangest. That's right. Guys, let's go. We got it. Let's get in the van. Let's get out of here, man. Okay, cool. So you all get back in the van. Lizard Boy scales McStuffins. He's like, we did good? You nailed it? Oh, yeah, Lizard Boy. You got it, man. Do you mind passing waters out to everybody? Yeah, absolutely. Waters for everybody. Thanks, man. All right.

So as you drive back, hold on. I feel like I got to whisper something sweet nothing. So the car's been about an hour. Oh, sure, sure, sure. So yeah, the car doesn't start. Hold on one second, guys. I climb out to the back and I go, Odyssey-san, ganbatte! Which is do your best, Odyssey-san.

Okay, so on the way back to the camp of the water mice, I'm going to assume that Nick and Glenn are in the back seat sort of just hanging out, looking at the guitar and admiring it and stuff like that. Noodling on it. Yeah, noodling on it. Nick says, so that no one other than you can hear. So I'd like every other player to take off your headphones and put your fingers in your ears. Oh, shit. Ooh, this is drama.

Hey, Dad? Yeah? You know that curse that the wizard put on me? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I made it up. What? Yeah, I kind of just wanted to keep hanging out with you and with the water mice, so I kind of made it up because your friends seemed like shitty, but I think we should ditch them and just sort of hang out together. Dude. Yeah? Let me be the first to tell you.

That sounds like an awesome idea. Oh, I'm so glad you think so. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Okay, so how are we going to do this? I think we got to find an opportunity to sort of ditch him and get the van. And then we could take some of the drugs, some of the flowers, and then take them to like Waterdeep and sell them.

and then just sort of hit the road together, father and son band. We could road trip and like fund the road trip with these illicit substances out of the back of our van. This sounds exactly like something I did back in the 80s. It's exactly what you told me you did. And I feel like I can finally live your childhood with you. Okay, man, sounds good. Okay. Okay, let's do it. Okay, great. What were we doing while that whispering was going on? I don't know. What were you doing? What are you doing on the way back? I was telling Stern how it all went. Okay, let's see. How did it go?

Oh, sir. It was pretty wild. Henry there turned into a bear. I called, I called all the founding fathers and man, I just wailed on them all. I ran in front of the dad, the president, and then the other president and my favorite TV dad. I crushed it. Ron crushed it. We all crushed it. We all totally made our dads proud. But you especially, you were really heroic. You did a lot of cool stuff. I did my

best, which I think everybody appreciated. Sir, I gotta be honest. I didn't make my dad proud. I'm sorry. Sorry about that, Ron. That's okay, Ron. Do you like your dad? I love my dad, but... I didn't say love. The way what I always told my kids before Pyramid Squished them. What did you tell him, sir? I told him that, like, I want you to love me, but I want you to like me, too. Because...

Love can be a complicated thing. Liking somebody is pretty straightforward. Everybody wants to be liked. Well, listen, I like you, CERN. I like you too. Oh, wait, no, I don't. You were a dick to me like yesterday. CERN. CERN. I've always been on. I've always been very pro CERN.

All right. You had a hard day. Always pro, never con, Cern. To be... Wait, hold on. That's not... No, I'm being genuine here. No, but just earlier today, you told Cern that you didn't care about anything he was saying to you, including my dead kids. Yeah, here's the thing. I don't like my dad, but I don't want to talk about that either. So let's just... Okay, cool, cool, cool. I respect your boundaries, piece of shit.

I do want to say Henry Oak is using all the wet wipes to wipe all the entrails off of his arms. I'm assuming that. Oh, I appreciate that there, Henry. Yeah, I'm trying not to touch anything. It's not going well. There's just like a lot of tiny, bloody wet wipes on the ground. Perfect. So you come back to the lair of the water mice and Ellery comes out and goes like, hey, guys, have the have the quest go. Everything go cool. And Nick's like, yeah, awesome. We got the axe. It's fucking awesome. Look at this. Wow.

He doesn't actually do that. He just like is doing air guitar because he doesn't want to touch it because he feels like it's yours now. And he's really proud that you have it. And she goes, how did it go with the Red Brands? Did you like get in and out like quietly? And he goes like, ah, no, no. And as he says that you hear hoof beats in the distance. First a couple and then many, many, many more.

Soon, the camp of the water mice is surrounded by dozens and dozens of redbrands on horseback holding flaming torches. And from all of them, a single rider breaks out from the pack with a bundle on his back. He has a hood on and he sort of unfurls it back. And this long, beautiful blonde hair sort of spills down from his head across his shoulders. And he says, what did you do?

You took the battle axe of hatred. You know what this means, don't you? It's time for us to go to battle with the water mice. What say you to this? And Alariga was like, oh, uh...

I mean, it was kind of their thing, and she points at you guys, and she goes, so you're sort of going to battle with them, not the water mice. That was a thing that he wanted to do. Henry Oak here. We were doing it for them, though. Yeah, they asked us to do it. It's their orders. We're just the middle man here. Yeah, she's being a very modest mouse. Oh, you beat me to it! Oh, my God!

It was her idea the whole time. I really give all the credit in the world to her. So let's just all float on, okay? And you did. And you did during the fight. Oh my God. Wow. So this blonde warrior goes like, it doesn't matter which one of you started it. But for the record, they started it. I feel like it's you guys are the ones with blood on. Like, are you literally holding a bunch of bloody wet wipes? I feel like it was probably you. Kool-Aid. This Kool-Aid. Do you have Kool-Aid?

No, what is Kool-Aid? It's blood. I mean, shoot. Ha ha ha ha!

Okay, so it's blood. All right, so we're just admitting that it was, we're just fully accepting it was you in the weird behemoth, the mental behemoth that did all the killing. Oh, yeah. And you're holding the axe. So he goes, okay, that means it's time for a proper battle. If I was being pathetic, if I was being like Ellery here, just stealing things in the night, I might say we should just take your head for this. But I've got some good news for people who like bad news. No.

It's time for a proper battle and not some cowardly battle made with swords and bows and arrows. This will be a battle and he grabs the bundle on his back and shing and like the cloth comes off of it and you see that it's a guitar almost like the sister to the guitar that you have in your hands but with lightning shooting out of the fresh and he goes, it will be a battle of the bands. Oh, dear. Oh, man. It's gonna be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. And if you die, it'll be alright.

Now you can.

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