Ep. 7 - The Battle Axe of Hatred
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Live from Neverwinter, this is Gartalk. I'm Gartalk. Today I'm talking about the four extraterrestrials and the white metal behemoth making their way across the Forgotten Realms. If anyone's heard anything about these four aliens, I am taking calls. If you've got anything to say, just call out of your window very loudly and I will hear you. Oh, we got a caller. Oh, they stuffed me for 13 barrels of beer. They said it was a Daryl Beryl special, but I don't feel so special in the end.

That is not helpful. Does anyone else have a lead on them? Oh, yep, we got another caller. You're on with Gartok. They freed me from prison. They seemed pretty chill to me. Ooh, well, given that they murdered my son, let's agree to disagree on that. Caller, you're on Gartok. What do you got? Ooh, yes, they were very curious about the many tomes I have within my library, which I carry upon my back. After checking out several books and getting a stern warning from me that failure to bring them back within the allotted time would result in their utter demise,

They decided to go to the city of Waterdeep, where they were immediately accosted by a band of brigands, one of which turned out to be Nicholas, the son of the one with the guitar on the stoner, the one that kind of doesn't do anything. He seems he's that one's son. And they could be in trouble now. Thank you, Collar. That was great. That's all the time we have for today. This was Gartalk on NPR, which stands for National Public Radio, which is the name of the giant I am standing on while I shout all this into the open air.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast where four dads from our world are flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, rock and roll.

Dad, dad fact for Glenn this week. He knows Japanese, as you heard from the previous episode, because he took a bunch of Duolingo courses in preparation for the Glenn Close Trio's tour of Budokan over in Japan. You know, like all good rock bands are going to play Budokan, but they got canceled.

I don't know. Nobody gives a shit about the Glenn Close Trio in Japan. Turns out that their A&R guy caught that mixed up. Can I ask a Glenn Close Trio question? Yeah. You mentioned that they're a cover band before. Yeah. What do they cover? Like, who do they cover? Oh, just nonstop dad rock. It depends on where they are. They do a regional bass sort of cover thing. So if it's down south, they're going to throw some Skinnered in there. I see. I see. What do they have planned for Budokan?

Oh my goodness. Just Japanese math rock. Oh, sweet. They were trying to get, you know, sort of ingratiated in. Acoustic Sailor Moon theme. Yeah, it was just the Beatles. They're just like, we're going to try and redo what the Beatles did. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hi, I'm Matthew Arnold and I play Daryl Wilson, the stay-at-home coach dad who's a barbarian. And a little fun fact about Daryl, Daryl's older sister, Casey, owns a massively successful brewery in Northern California. Whoa. Yeah. That changes a lot. It's called The Brew Dude, which is what Daryl always called himself. Whoa. Whoa.

She's got a really good gimmick where every beer is like a really cool dude on the cover. So it's like Dale's Ale or like Brain's IPA and like they're all like a little logo. Wait, where is it? It's up in like Northern California. Oh man, she's out for blood in Silicon Valley. It's big. It's like on the level of like Stone Brewery or like Sierra Nevada.

I guess because she's very, very successful. How does Daryl feel? Yeah, it seems like you resent that. Daryl definitely always makes sure that when there is a family event, like his beer is the one that's in the cooler. And if anybody has the brew, dude, he takes it out and doesn't let it awkward. Thanksgiving's in the Wilson household. Holy shit. That's stark.

It's good beer, too. Here's the thing. It's very good beer. If Daryl's being honest with himself, is it better than his? Yes, he's constantly trying to make beer that's better than his sister's beer. Holy shit. That does not sound like one hoppy family. Oh, there it was. We haven't started yet. My name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather. Fun stepdad fact about Ron. And this is

kind of a meta fact is that Ron has never played Dungeons and Dragons. However, he has played, um, seen it, you know, a, a famous, uh,

Movie trivia DVD game. Oh, shit. More than once, he's a big Seen It player. Holy shit. So don't mess. They call them Seensters in the community. Is Ron good at Seen It? I mean, he's okay. He didn't know that Quentin Tarantino directed Reservoir Dogs, but he knew that it was a thing. Oh, my God. He thought it was about actual dogs. Oh, I didn't see that.

Ron's the kind of guy who probably knows all the like female actors and like the trivia around them. But like all the male ones, he's like, I don't know. Like really specifically. I think he just won't admit that he knows. He's like, he probably knows that Brad Pitt broke his arm filming Seven and then had the like cast written into the movie. But like he wouldn't say that. Wait, is that true? That is true, actually. Yeah. I was going to I was going to like bluff it. I was going to be like, no, I just made it up. That's dope as hell.

Or like Viggo Mortensen in Fellowship of the Ring. When he kicks the helmet, he screams. He broke his toe. That's in Two Towers. Shit. You just got stuffed, motherfucker. The first moment of this episode is going to be Daryl Wilson jumping out of the minivan to his death. That's it. I clearly cannot be in a Dungeons & Dragons podcast anymore. What's up, everyone? It's your boy, Will Campos.

I play Henry Oak, hippie granola, crunchy munchy, Birkenstock wearing dad. We'll have to check in. There's some Birkenstock related news we'll have to check in about in a second. Fun fact about Henry Oak, everyone's favorite hippie geologist dad this week, is that he does geology themed rap songs at the local kid science museum in San Dimas. His group is called Hip Hop Rocks.

but it's like rocks. So some of his songs. I should have killed his kids when I had the chance. I'm taking Henry with me when I jump out of the minivan. Some of his songs include In a Sedimental Mood. Oh my God. That's not even rap. It's not even rap. It's like jazz rap.

Yeah, it's just like this name's jazz standards. I like that it's not rap. He calls it a rap band, but it's not rap. I'm not done. Subduction Junction. Wow. Very not rap. Metamorphic Power Rangers. Okay. And his hip hop name is Igneous B.I.G. What?

I'm so upset. Big B-S-P-I-G. Henry Oak has never heard a Notorious B-I-G song, but he Googled rap names and then he was looking for one that sounded like he could squeeze a rock pun in there. Oh my God. You need to have somebody at some point in this adventure come up and point out maybe that Henry's appropriation of rap music is problematic and just make him go into an existential crisis. I would if anything he just described even sound remotely like rap. Ha ha ha ha.

That was very good. Y'all are acting like you've never seen a white geologist. No, I listen. I believe it. I believe in Henry. I think he's going to make like, you know, a volcano and blow up. Oh, dear. Yeah. Well, that clunker. Ouch. Now I'm going to make like lava and flow slowly, just kind of slowly freezing over millions of years.

Hardening. Speaking of hardening, I'm Anthony Burch. Your daddy master. You're the daddy master and you're here to say. I love to play games with doofuses every day. So is everyone ready to start playing in this wonderful role playing game we call Dungeons and Dragons? Yes. All right. All week. Take me away, daddy master.

Holy smokes, Glenn, is that Nick? Is that your son? Oh, hell yeah. Nick, nice blade landing. I'm going to roll down the window on my side and lean out and be like, hey, Nick, nice blade landing. Sorry about denting your car, Daryl. Oh, it's okay. So the blade landing allows you to have one arm free, right? Yes, absolutely. With his free arm, he reaches out for a high five. Oh, yeah, I fucking...

rock that high five super hard from wherever I'm sitting in the car. That's a two roll on that high five. So I do whiff it pretty hard. It's cool. He gets your palm with his like middle finger. He's like, that's close enough. Hell yeah. Hey, Nick, could you maybe step off that hood there for a second? I start getting out of the car and checking if it's dented. So Nick looks at Glenn and gives him like a like a

this guy. What kind of face? I give a nod. I know, right? Hey, man, guys, it's all good. This must be Nick and, like, I guess his new band or something. Let's all get out of here and, like, just hang out. That was actually going to be my plan as well. Oh, nice. So you guys came to what? Just, like, hang out and see what you've been up to, dog. Perfect. That's what I was hoping.

Do you guys want to go back to our hideout? Yo, sick. You got a hideout. Do you want to meet the boss? Oh, there's a boss. Yeah. I mean, he sort of found me after the... I was going to get sold to some dude in Waterdeep, but we all got accosted by a band of... And then as he's saying this, a guy behind him is like, are we going to rob him or what? Nick turns around. He's like, no, they're cool. They're cool. They're with me. They're with me. Nice. In order for us to not

rob you are you guys cool with like either pretending to be or being criminals is that dope is that hi nick it's henry uh i'm one of the dads it's the granola square one oh that one yeah yeah yeah yeah so young man wait so you're saying you're some sort of criminal you're some sort of highway man yes i was gonna sort of clarify that with like moral like justification but i don't know like man

We don't hurt anybody. We don't kill anybody. Guys, I don't know if I'm comfortable pretending to be a criminal. Is that like, are we going to have to steal it? Are we going to have to do crimes? Let me ask you something here, Henry. You ever listen to any music that wasn't maybe...

purchased from the iTunes store or the Google Play Marketplace? I don't see what that has to do with anything. I mean, I think that's just copyright violation. That's a little different than stealing. As a recording artist, you know, that's taking the food out of the mouths of starving musicians. I'm just saying that you wouldn't steal a car. Yeah. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a DVD. In a way, you're stealing. Pirating music is stealing.

Yeah. Yeah. What Ron says. And it's dope. It's the best kind of stealing. But my point is you're already like criminally adjacent. So like, what's the big deal, man? I,

Team mates, can we focus for one second here? We were going to cross this bridge to get Nicholas, and there's two other kids that we need to save. We don't need to cross the bridge anymore. Why don't you get your goddamn son in the car, and let's drive to save our two children. So what are we doing? Why are we going to pretend to be criminals? Son, get in the car. He sounds like a dick. We're here to rescue you, Nick. Ha!

For what? Well, it seems like you've been dragooned into a band of Riggins. No, no, no. Those words I've never heard before have no effect on me. Sounds like someone hasn't been studying for the SATs enough to know what dragooned means. I throw a judging look at Glenn a little bit. I prefer to think of us as less...

brigandagroons and more like bad boys with like a Z but here's the whole thing can you get off the car please just for one second while we're still talking is he even holding the blade pose yeah he's still the entire time he's been holding the blade so you're gonna have to roll either persuasion or intimidation whatever you think it's probably just persuasion I'm not gonna hit him

That's a 13. Yeah, 13 will do it, I guess. God, what a bummer. All right, yeah. So he jumps off and he says, hey guys, hold up. This is, and he does a like cool hand signal at all the other brigands and says like, it's fine. They're tight. I'll vouch for him. It's cool. And then he sort of leans over and whispers to you guys like, so here's the thing. Kind of can't leave.

Or I'll die. You'll die? Yeah, so here's the thing. These guys, the guys I'm with, super tight. They seem very tight, yes. They're very tight. Their boss, the boss of bosses, not my boss, but that guy's boss...

He like he's like real cruel and he put a spell on me that basically like I have like an indentured servant to him until I like do a specific job for him. And if I try to leave without that, then like my head comes off. It sounds like a position with not much room for advancement. I have been in that position before. And let me tell you that I I sympathize with that.

Is the position opening up anytime soon? Yeah, I mean, we're always looking for more people. This is fabulous. There's a lot of slavery going on in this world. You know, I'm still mostly committed, first and foremost, to freeing our sons. I think secondary goals, we should try to start some kind of like emancipation proclamation. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I talk a lot about it on my hip hop album. Oh no. Could you give us a line from the section where you talk about the Emancipation Proclamation in the context of geology for your hip hop album? The easiest improv prompt of all time. It's from my song Racism Doesn't Rock. Oh my god. Oh my god. You know what's bolder than being older than a

cold shoulder having guy with a couple Folgers is not being racist

Because it's the basics that we're all equal. So save some of that for the sequel. Holy shit. Oh, man. Oh, man. You did not pick easy to rhyme words. As a big fan of his albums, I was like, I really like that song, but just didn't have as much to do with rocks as his first album. He got away from what made him a brilliant actor, artist. If this is the end of 8 Mile, I would put the mic down and walk away. Guess I lose.

What job do you have to do, son? Ah.

Well, there is a weapon, a legendary weapon. Actually, you guys want to like do this not on the bridge? Do you want to like go back to our hideout? It feels like that'd be more comfortable. You got like a green room back there. Exactly. Nice. We got a forest where we hang out in. So like a green room. Yeah, nice. Yeah. Okay. So he leads you along. Assuming you're going to follow him in the hottest. Yeah, I think we should. I think we should see what's going on. Maybe we can talk to this. I'm going to walk up front with my boy, my dude. Nice. Yeah. Okay. So as you two are walking through the forest, he goes like, so what's been up, dad? What's been going on?

Glenn. Yo, so sweet that we're on first name basis. Yeah, I don't know. It's been like pretty chill. We've been like looking for Henry's kids. We found them. Then they like disappeared. There's a lot of like magical shit going on, man. Ron leads his head out of the window and says, Hey, Glenn, did you tell him about me hiding in my pants? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck did he just say? It was pretty cool, huh?

How is Ron's kid on the team? Is he a weirdo? Ron's kid plays with the ferocity of someone who's trying to get back at somebody. He kicks the ball harder than anyone ever needs to kick the ball. He's like, no accuracy, all power. If we can get him right next to the goal, it's fine. And the other time, it's just an out of bounds. Yay, that's my boy. I mean, my step boy that I have very little connection to.

makes sense anyway we've just been like looking for all y'all uh you know because we all got separated and uh you know seems like you got a pretty good thing going on here these guys are pretty cool like they all got like weapons and like like a little army kind of like not it but we don't fight for stuff that's my favorite thing is like we're like bad boys but we kind of just hang out most so like kind of like a band without ideology very similar to sort of post-punk 80s commercialism i dig it very much that yeah so you're like you're like new wave

flock of seagulls huh we are the flock of seagulls of the sherwood forest whoa dang pretty cool i dig your outfits too hey do you want one oh dude these things are sweet it's got like a real steven tyler scarves thing going on hell yeah scarves are our main thing like the sheer number of scarves being used both the cover faces and necks ron was unaware that father-son conversations could go on this long

While they're talking, I raise my hand to the other guys. Inside the van? Inside the van. I raise my hand and I look at Ron and Daryl and I say, hey guys, can we have a quick stealth dad huddle? We're in the car. Let me just roll up the windows here. Am I involved as well? Oh, Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. Of course you're involved. Thank you. I kind of forgot you were there. I'll be honest. Yeah, so did the DM.

Not me. You're still in the passenger. You're still a shotgun. Yep. Hey, guys, I just want to put this out there. I call out an elephant in the room as I see it. It seems like there's a sort of energy between Glenn and his son that I'm a little worried that at the end of this, Glenn is going to wind up enslaved in this thieves guild. I just wanted to take the temperature on the other dads. I was a little disappointed when I saw that.

there smoking the marijuana, but one, he's a good player on the team and I don't know, he's just, he's respecting his dad over there. They're just having a good time. Is it respectful or is it, you know, like I just, it stresses me out a little bit. You're saying that there should be more animosity between parents and their children. I don't know.

I was thinking the same, but I just didn't want to, you know. I'm not trying to throw shade on anyone's parenting style. Of course not. No, no, no. It just seems like maybe Glenn is a little trying too hard to be his son's buddy instead of being his dad. And I'm worried that like he might. And dads are not buddies. You know what, Henry? I hear you. I just think as a man, you should just tell him face to face. Let me roll down the road. Hey, hey, Glenn. Henry's got something to tell you. I slow my pace a little bit and roll back in as a car rolls around. I'm going to do a cool like fun style lean on the car through the passenger seat.

Hey, what's up, man? Nick slows his gate as well, so he's walking next to you while this is happening. So he's definitely going to hear whatever you say. Oh, geez. Hi, Nick. How are you? I'm doing great. You know, I had a kind of private thing I wanted to talk to your dad about. Is that okay? Yeah, go ahead. Okay.

He keeps walking with you. He doesn't move. Okay, Glenn, I'm not the best at confrontation or conflict. And so I'm going to do what's called a compliment sandwich. So I'm going to start by saying something really positive, which is that I love that you and Nick have such a close relationship and you guys can talk about anything. Hold out my left fist for a fist bump from Nick. Fist bump complete. Nice. So here's the difficult part. Here's the meat of this sandwich. Yeah, all right. So it seems like Nick's in a whole heap of trouble here.

and we're just trying to figure it out man yeah okay I just I'm a little I just want to make sure when we get in there that we're all first and foremost fully committed to helping our boys out man okay I think this is cool cool I think this is another compliment you owe me because we're at the top of the sandwich now maybe it's like a Big Mac yeah here's like three buns oh wait Big Mac has more meat though

In that case, Henry is worried that your son is trying to swindle you and get us all sold into slavery. Yeah. Whoa. That's not. Whoa. I feel like a dick. That's the double patty part of this compliment sandwich. That's not what I was saying. You don't know me? Yo, Nick, you ain't going to swindle us, right? No. Hell yeah. Yeah, whatever, man. Roll a perception check if you don't believe me or an insight check. I do not do that because I trust my school. I'm going to roll a perception or insight check.

14. You can tell that he is telling the truth as far as he knows. So you're talking about Big Macs earlier. You know, you only talk about that Mickey D's when you're hungry. So you tell me that there's some weed up in here? I'm telling you, my father, that there is something that is better than weed that is everywhere in this forest. Yo. He like moves a branch away with his hand and reveals, as if it was from a linear video game, a beautiful forest clearing that

It's like we're blinded by the sun and we're like slowly coming up with a horizon and it's like the bloom is all white. Does he have to boost us over a ledge so that there's enough time for the new zone to load? We're all wiping our eyes. That's what the bloom is too. It's streaming in the textures and you see all the shapes of the landscape but the textures don't pop in so it's like, and all of a sudden they do and it's really pretty. Daryl sprays the windshield with a cleaner so you can wipe it and get an extra good view of it. Oh, that's good. That is absolutely how I would hide a load. Um...

Basically, you see this really thriving bandit camp with a lot of tents everywhere. But that's not the thing that grabs your eye immediately. What grabs your eye is that lining the paths between all of the tents are these beautiful multicolored flowers of every shape and size. It reminds you of the fucking candy forest from Willy Wonka. And they're everywhere all around this camp. And Nick goes, yo, dad, pick a color. Oh.

Like a purple. Okay, so he grabs a purple and hands it to you and he goes, this one lets you levitate for five seconds. Yo! Yeah. Like real levitation, not like in your head. Like for real, for real. What is it? How do you, what, you grind it up, you sniff it, snort it? You eat it. You eat it. Yeah, it dissolves on the tongue. I dig it. So it's going to be there for a while. I dig it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's five seconds, but yeah. No!

But it feels like, it feels like a while. It dilates time. But like basically like every flower here, it does a different crazy thing depending on its color. Nice. This place is the tits. Yeah.

And I feel like I don't want to like throw shade, but it feels like the rest of these dads are kind of a bunch of fucking pricks. And I feel like you and I should maybe find a way to just sort of chill here for as long as we can. Daryl is picking flowers. Carol's going to love this. And he's picking a whole bouquet of flowers for Carol right now. He stopped the car and I'm just picking flowers. Oh man. Yeah. You know what? I,

I've spent some time with these guys. I would say give them a shot. Some of them are cooler than you think. Yeah? I do agree with you. That's pretty wild. So what's like the street price of this shit? I'm saying, can we move this? I hadn't even thought about that. That's why you're the dad. Yo! We could go into the Empire business. Season 5 Breaking Bad.

Yeah, I love that season. Yeah, it's a good season. Yeah. So we could go get me out of my contract and then we could get into like building an empire, building a whole gang business. Yo. And we could just retire here and chill out. That Frank Lucas American gangster shit. I love those movies. So Henry's not hearing this, right? You can overhear that.

I feel like it's been a long time since you heard anything. Okay. Henry would normally be staring slack jaw gape, slowly removing his sunglasses. I'll Alan Grant or Ellie Sadler in Jurassic park. But he, he's picking his dad. Dar, his dad radar is going off like crazy watching Glenn. Wait, is your dad Dar something that finds dads or I can tell if any man on the street is a dad, I have amazing dad. So,

So my dad is pinging based off this conversation. I sneak over to Daryl, who's busy picking flowers. And I'm like, Daryl, I'm like, I know I kind of came off like a prick earlier, but like I'm getting seriously anxious vibes off of the Glenn Nick situation. I just feel like Glenn's not taking this very seriously. And I feel like Nick is like, you know, I just, you know, like I try to be permissive with my boys, but there's like permissive. And then there's permissive, you know, I far be it for me to get into another dad zone, but I'm just like,

I'm just putting that out there. Can you hold this bouquet really quick? I'm going to start another one really quick. Wow, this is gorgeous. I know, right? It smells so good. I take a big whiff of the flowers. Oh, shit. Okay. Roll the G20. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, man. I got a natural one. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, man. Oh, no.

Okay. How many flowers did you pick? I mean, the size of a bouquet. So how do you, am I saying this correctly? Bouquet bouquet.

Okay. I have a speech impediment, so if I say a word weird, just bear with me. Make sure to put them on blast and make them feel super self-conscious about it. It's probably like 24 flowers, and it's definitely every single color. I mean, yeah, I'm definitely trying to pick every color I could see. You know Trader Joe's, they have those good summer arrays? Yeah, like a Trader Joe's bouquet. Yeah, exactly. All right, let me... Give me a second while I type out all the things that are about to happen. Hold on.

Ron turns to Cern and says, how you doing, Cern? Cern's like, I'm doing good. It's nice to see a dad hanging out with his kid and having a really positive. It reminds me of what it was like to be with my kids. I had a very similar kind of relationship. We were very close. I don't care. I mean, that's interesting, Cern. No, I heard you. I heard what the thing you said first. That was the one that sort of stuck. Okay.

Good talk. So Henry Oak, the following things happen to you simultaneously. Oh no. It's not that bad. You only smelled it. So you begin to float off the ground. You immediately vomit all over yourself. Oh,

You become insanely paranoid and you're sure that Daryl just tried to poison you with these flowers. Okay. Not only that, you think that you did die from the flowers. You were certain that you were dead. Ego death. If you say anything in the next five minutes of podcast time, you have to tell only the truth.

Okay. And you also forgot between the end of last episode and right now, you've forgotten everything apart from him handing you the flowers. Okay. Should I try to replay all those things at once right now? It is up to you. Okay. I didn't expect a one. Let me rewind a second. I think he said something that like, if you eat these flowers, that's bad stuff happens. But I think.

Henry! What the fuck did you just do to me, you piece of shit? Ron! Glenn! Nick and myself are gonna notice this and be like, uh-oh, bad trip, bad trip, bad trip. Oh, shit, he went to do too much. Typical movie mistake. It's just a lot of those noises for a while. I mean, I guess we gotta bring him down from the ground. Yeah, get him an ice pack or something. And cover him with a blanket or something. Yeah, we should go grab him.

drug flowers nicholas they're drug flowers they're natural first of all these are drug flowers you have such a like stank in your voice when you say drug i was gonna give my beautiful wife drug flowers he was gonna poison his wife he poisoned me first kill him is this guy cool dad is this guy cool glenn i mean he's high as balls right now but um can you get a bottle of water or something for henry here he's sweating his balls off no water nothing no no i'm not taking anything from that guy it's not gonna be me henry it's gonna be why it's gonna be glenn

Ron, help out here. You kissed me. How did you feel about that? Pretty weird. Oh, shit, he's got all of them. Yo, if you want to ask him any questions that you want serious answers to that are honest, now would be the time, Dad. Henry, I didn't poison you. Bullshit, man. You've been out for me for forever. If I poisoned you, would I do this? I'd kiss him on the lips. Okay, well, all those things transfer to you then. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Oh my God. Why did you poison me, Henry? What's happening? Cern, how you doing? Look at those people over there. It's them. They're running against me. And me. And you. I'm doing very confused. Should we help them? Henry, do you want my pants? Give me the pants.

Which pants? All of them. Okay, here you go. I just put on as many pants as I can. I put them on my head, on my arms. I'm buck wild on these pants. We're all trying to put on as many pants as we can, guys. Nick just turns to you, Glenn, and he's like, you were right. These guys are fucking tight as hell.

Never mind. They kind of know how to party. Yeah, apparently. Holy shit. They really go hard. Can I roll? All I'm doing right now, the only thing I'm trying to do is find where those Charleston shoes are. That's literally the only thing I want right now. Yeah, go ahead. Roll an investigation. I got an 11. Well, you know that they are on Henry's person. If you want to know exactly where they are, you have to ask him.

Chew! Chew? You're going to eat me? Chew. The Charleston Chews. They're right here. Just take them all. Just get away from me. And I just start throwing Charleston Chews at him. I start eating all of them. I'm going to be so sad when I wake up, but I'm eating them all. That's what I would do right now. That's some pretty good shit, Nick. Yeah, no, it should be coming down about...

they just snorted, right? They didn't eat. Yeah, I think he just took a big old whiff and then they osculated. Now, and then very suddenly, all of your symptoms disappear and you fall back down to the ground. You remember everything that did happen. The memory that you lost is now back. I pull a pair of pants off my head.

Hey, can I have that pair of pants? I'm kind of in Daryl's whitey tighties right now. Sure, Ron. Here you go. Oh, thank you so much. Okay. Well, that was, you know, I've smoked the devil's lettuce once or twice in my life.

I have to say that that was quite a trip. I feel like some weird stuff. The Charleston Jews. There's one left. I dive and I grab it and I stuff it in my pocket. I try to hang on to it. All right, roll opposed acrobatics for you, dexterity for you, I guess. 19. I got a 14. All right, so yeah, you managed to hold onto it in your fist before you grab it. Don't take this one from me and I put it in my pocket. Okay, roll. It's...

I'm sorry I ate them all, Henry. I'm sorry I kissed you again. You kissed me again? I kissed you again. I need to... Oh, it's all coming back to me now. I go into the front seat and I start praying the rosary. Oh, my God. Oh, man. So as this is happening... Set in setting, am I right? As this is happening, a broad-shouldered woman walks up to you. A broad-shouldered broad? Yeah.

That's not even funny. Oh, no. Oh, no.

So she claps Nick on the back happily and goes like, oh, who are your friends? Introduce me. And Nick goes, oh, oh yeah, this is my boss. This is what I was telling you about. Her name is Ellery. She's my, she's, she's my boss. She's cool. She's tight. These are, oh, and this is my dad, Glenn. And she's like, oh, nice to meet you. And she reaches out for a handshake. I give a very flirty handshake. She gives a very asexual, strong handshake. Interesting how much emotions can be expressed with such few words, such as the theater of Dungeons and Dragons. I,

I roll down the window. Daryl Wilson here.

Nice to meet you. She shakes your hand and I'm assuming you do the strong masculine squeeze thing. Yeah. Do a strength check. So that's a 10. She has a stronger handshake than you. That's a great handshake you got there. But if I'm going to be honest, talking to you, boss to dad here, I'm not a fan of the way you run this place. Sounds like somebody's feelings are hurt that they can't squeeze as hard as I can. That's a shame. That's one of the many things that's bothering me right now. Yes.

Yeah, I always tried to tell the newbies, like, you do one pedal at a time, wait an hour, do another pedal. You guys are clearly outside of your depth. But hey, what brings you? Are you new recruits? Do you want to join the water mice? The water mice? Yeah, that's our little family we have here, the water mice. Water because we're close to water deep, and mice because we scurry about and we get what we can and no one will ever catch us. Well, ever heard of the doodlers?

No, what are the doodlers? I'm not really sure, actually. Oh, it was the thing on, it was on, yeah, it was on Nick's shirt when he came in, the little ugly, the noodle thing. The wonderful drawing on Nick's shirt. Sure. Drawn by two very talented artists, my sons. Hi, Henry Oak. Nice to meet you. Sorry I'm covered in vomit. It is not the first time I've seen this. My eyes are probably a little bloodshot. Dilated, very dilated. Yeah, I'm still coming down a little bit, so I'm going to stop talking.

Great, great, great. Nick was telling me that there's something going on, like a weapon or something you guys are looking for. Oh, Nick, you told him about that? And Nick goes, yeah, yeah, I told him about the Battle Axe of Hatred. The Battle Axe of Hatred? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like Iron Maiden's battle.

it's very cool why is it called the battle axe of hatred apparently there's like a demon inside of it whoa it was like this old demon that they fought and defeated but they couldn't kill it at least whoever these like crusader people were so they like sucked its soul into the axe man this is just such great album material right now guys it's pretty it's pretty fucking metal i think about glenn closest that he's always wanted to go on like an iron maiden adventure so this is like checking off a lot

You're living a Molly Hatchet cover right now. There's another gang nearby and I would love it. And Nick goes, well, it's more your boss's boss would love it. And she's like, yeah, sure. The boss's boss wants it. If you could go get this battle axe for me, it would be super sick. I would owe you a for real solid.

So it's basically in this other gang's like, like hideout that just sucks. They're just a bunch of assholes. So like you could go in there, you could get the stuff, you'd come back. And to be clear, like Nick said that he's got like a spell or something cast on him or something. Like what's going on with this? Like you kind of forcing my dude to do this. I'm not forcing him to do any. And Nick says, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I told them about the wizard that put the curse on me, the sorcerer, where my head falls off if I leave. And she's like, yeah, this is a fucking really magical spot that just happens. It's got nothing to do with me. I wouldn't love it if Nick left. Nick's tight as hell. But like, I would never do that kind of thing to your kid. Oh,

But if we get this axe, the spell will go away. Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure that's all the sorcerer guy wants is this axe. So we're probably fine. Son, it's important that when you're in a contract, you understand all the ramifications. You hear the noise of your son dying in the contract in your wallet. Like...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Daryl Wilson suddenly realizes that he had all the knowledge in the universe at his hands and he didn't ask for a book to solve the contract for his kid. Oh, you mean like with a librarian? Yeah. Oh, so yeah, that may be that was going to be my daddy. Fact of this episode was that the only reason that NPC existed was because I wanted to toss you a softball for how to get out of that contract.

with your son and you just didn't do it? I literally just stopped mid-sentence and I just leaned back and I go on with the rosary. Ha ha ha.

Wait, I don't know. Call me crazy, but it feels like if you don't want to lose your head, you also don't want to be near a magical axe. I don't think the axe is going to take my head off. It's just a coincidence. It seems like a pretty big coincidence when you think of axes chopping off heads and heads being chopped off if you don't have the axe. And then it just all seems a little...

Fishy. I'll say I don't follow Ron's logic exactly, but emotionally I'm right there with Ron. Thank you, Henry. In terms of having a bit of skepticism about this, I'm going to roll an insight on Ellery. Okay. 16. 16.

16. Oh, wow. You can tell she's definitely not telling you the whole truth. Okay. I feel like, yeah, I feel like that's probably enough to know right now. Okay. Guys, I get the feeling that Ellery's not telling us the whole truth. That old folks. Okay. Get in tight, Cern. Lizard boy, you can get in here. Hey. I'm calling you Lizzy. No, I would prefer Lizard boy scales big stuff and says the name that my savior gave me. Okay, cool. I'm really sorry. Okay, cool.

No, he's cool. He's cool, guys. Yeah, I mean, we're not exactly tight on the kind of place where you can start giving me nicknames. Yeah, no, I'm so sorry. You've been really weird and really kind of distant to me emotionally, so like... I think we can just sort of keep each other at arm's length right now. Yeah, yeah. Ron's crying a little bit. Yeah.

Well, look, guys, here's the deal. Clearly, my son's got a thing going on. And if regardless of how we end up, you know what we do, I think we got to get rid of this curse and we kind of got to go along with whatever they got going on. Right. Because if his head's going to fall off, that's going to do me no good. That'd be a major bummer. I think we can all say if we say no one wants your son's head to fall. Oh, nice. Nice. It is important to establish common ground in a conversation like this. So I do want to personally share that. I don't want your son's head to fall off.

Neither do I. I'm certain. I don't either. Ron, do you have something you'd like to say? No. All right. Well, four out of five isn't bad. About the scent you get from dentists most of the time. Yeah. Yeah. Four out of five. It's always that one dentist in the end. What's up with that? You know, I'm going to put that into my next hip hop song. I like to do a little observational comedy in my song. In the middle of the hip hop. Yeah. Yeah. You know, just some little things I've noticed. My slightly skewed take on the world, you know. Oh my gosh.

Henry puts the tight in a tight five. Yes. Let me see if I've got this straight. So Nick got picked up by this sorcerer with a curse on his head that said, if you leave, your head's going to fall off. Yeah. And now that sorcerer wants us

through Nick to steal a battle axe for him from another camp of bad guys. Yeah. And I'm using air quotes there. And I'm going to say that out loud because I'm on a podcast. So are you all bound by the sorcerer's magic or just Nick? I mean, he's our boss. He's our boss of bosses. I mean, not all of us are going to

have our heads fall off. He's like new. Like you basically, the way it works, I believe is that, uh, you join, you're a little indentured for a while. We, you know, threats of violence. And then eventually you just sort of come to like it and then you don't need the spell anymore. So like, it's fine. I can get behind that work culture. It's kind of basically how the music industry works, you know?

Well, Glenn, you know, I'm going to let you QB this one since it's yours. And that's a sports metaphor for Daryl quarterbacking. Daryl nods. He's very happy. I'm trying to get on Daryl's level because we smooched again. So I'm just trying to get past the awkwardness. What's what's the move? So look, man, Nick's saying that his head's going to fall off if he doesn't do this thing. I feel like we got to like do him a solid. I feel like the whole point of this whole thing is to help each other out and help these kiddos out. And I.

seems like he's in the bind man okay i mean the whole point is to get our sons back to the real world so if this is the only way to do it i mean we could take him back but he wouldn't have a head yeah i think we want to keep him head intact okay okay then i'm i'm on board okay just see i'm a little skeptical that this is gonna work i feel like what motivation does this guy have to lift the curse on nick after we get the battle axe i mean so are you saying we just like leave him here and then go find another kid because

Because that's what you're saying, Henry. You're saying like it's too hard to fix this problem right now. So I'm just going to leave them. You know, I'm not. I know that's fair. I'm not. You know, there's in this book, Creativity Inc. about Pixar. They say that if you're going to pitch a question or a problem, you should have a solution. And I don't have a solution right now. So I'm going to keep thinking and maybe I'll come up with one. I think that. Go ahead. Oh, no. You go, Ron. You go.

Oh, thank you. I was just going to say that I think there might be a little emotional transference on Henry's part. We did not succeed in saving his two children, actually twice, so two children squared, failed attempts, and he might be just carrying some of that trauma into this right now, but that's just me playing therapist baseball over here by myself. Henry is aghast at how hard Ron nailed it. Henry just shuts the fuck right up.

I think we've all made mistakes. I think Henry, you know, I'm sure he has some things he regrets. I'm sure, you know, we don't know if this is going to be a mistake or not, but we can't judge ourselves from mistakes like basic common mistakes, like, you know, getting the one book that could save your fucking son. So I think. So it also points out the place that you're going to return the book is also the same town your son is in.

So if you meet your son before you return the book, then you only have the 24 hours to save shit. Like you, yeah, you really did kind of mess this one up. Daryl hugs Cern with a tear in his eyes. He goes, you're right, Cern. We got this. Everybody...

Hands in the middle. That wasn't me trying to make you feel better. I was pointing out just how it was. Sir, sir, sir. No, no. Because we can get the book. The guy with the book will be there when we go save my son. Yeah, but it takes more than two weeks to get there. Okay, sure. Listen, boy, read the room. Yeah, my bad, my bad. That's right, Daryl. Hands in the middle. Yeah, hands in the middle. I'm sorry. This is great. We're going to save Nicholas.

Glenn, I've noticed that your hand's not in the middle. In real life, all of us had our hands in the middle, but Freddie didn't. Oh, man. I'm trying to mix the podcast. All right. Hey, doodlers on three. One, two, three. Just kidding. It's dumb to say doodlers. It's dumb. It's dumb. Doodlers. Doodlers. Doodlers. Ron, you're kind of bringing some negative energy into the dad circle today. Oh, no. That's okay. Yeah. I'm just... I was thinking about...

Well, fatherhood. Seems these adventures bring out fatherhood a lot. Anyway, let's go rescue... Daryl leans over to Cern and he's like, he's fucking in sports. After you do the hands in the middle, the circle's over. I don't know why Glenn's still talking about it. So anyways. Henry, do I show up on your dad radar thing?

You sure do, Ron. Thanks for saying it, even if it ain't true, man. It is true. My dad right there goes crazy around you. If Ron would want the emotional vulnerability of checking to see if he's telling the truth by doing an insight check, it is up to you. Checking is the last thing he wants to do. Okay, cool, cool. That is completely up to you. Let's go doodlers. Doodlers. You know, let's be- Hands in the middle. Oh my God. We gotta do this right. Did we not just do this? We got, but-

When it's done, you put your hands in the middle and then you go the game. So like, just for me. Doodlers on three. One, two, three. Doodlers. Nick, we've decided. Yeah, what are we doing? We doing? We getting the axe? We're going to help you out. We're going to lift this curse and then we'll figure it out from there. And I give him a little wink because we talked about maybe potentially starting up a drug empire, but that's between me and him. He points and he goes, that's my fucking dad. Yay, my son. A fucking double high five.

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Nick pulls out a tattered map. The gang we're trying to get rid of, they're called the Red Brands and they're total fucking narcs. Like they just sell people out to the Waterdeep City Watch. They're all like rich jerks. They totally suck. They're basically just a bunch of rich kids who felt like playing bandits. So they just like took their dad's money and started a little empire for themselves. They blow.

When you say sell people, you mean like stop people from selling drugs? Okay, yeah. I guess if you consider selling drugs a bad thing, then yeah, they do that. Legalize it. What are the drug laws in this world? These flowers, they're very illegal. They're very illegal? Yeah. Wow. Is there some sort of governing body that like... In Waterdeep, yeah. There's like a city watch that like tries to keep things clean. So like an ATF, huh? So the red brand sounds like maybe like a cool group of responsible youths that are trying to clean up their city.

They kind of just suck. Do they kill people? Yeah, probably. Do you guys kill people? I don't. And Ellery doesn't. And we tried not to. I think some of the other guys have before, like Johnny No Ear and Johnny No Ear. I want to hear more about Johnny No Ear. Johnny No Ear, like killed a guy and then got caught by the city watch. But the guy he killed was also a murderer. So they like couldn't tell like how the justice was to go. So they just took off both of his ears and then said, well, that's your punishment done, I guess. But why is he called Johnny No Ear?

I mean, I feel like I just... Any other questions? I feel like Ron's like, hey, Johnny! Hey, Johnny! And the guy, no, he doesn't turn around. He's like, it's very difficult to tell direction. Yeah.

So are we ready to go? Let's go. I'm going to want a little bit more information about the red brands if we're going to kill any of them. Sure. Here's the layout and he shows you the map and he says the item we're looking for, the battle axe of hatred is in the northwest corner. So how far away is this hideout? It's not very far. It's like a 10-15 minute walk, I assume. Although you guys have the car. Yeah, we got a car. So we'll be there in like two minutes. You guys are really close to this other hideout. Yeah. I didn't think that through when I said how far away it was.

Constant border squabbles between us and the Redbrands. Sort of an uneasy truce. Yeah. So shall we go? You coming with us? Oh, yeah, of course. Hell yeah. I'm getting pretty good with a blade if I say so myself. Whoa. So what sort of weapon do you have there? Oh, this is a dagger. It's a small knife for stabbing or slashing. You're going to have to hand that over. Ooh, not going to do that. You're not my dad, turns out. Glenn, you're already showing off my nunchucks to him. Oh, shit, sweet nunchucks. Nunchucks, dog. Oh, my God.

Did you make those? Found these in an armory. Turns out they got nunchucks in this world, too. Henry's giving Daryl a look like, mm. Yeah, Daryl's also, mm. Like, you know, like an arched eyebrow, like, mm. Can you at least please sheath the weapon as you enter my car? Of course.

Yeah, that's always the plan. All right. You got to keep it fucking like oiled and like sharp. A blade rust when it's out of its sheath. I remember that from Sanjuro. Remember when we watched Sanjuro? Oh, dude, so dope. So good. I like it more than Yojimbo, but that's just me. All right, let's get in there. So, yeah, you guys drive up to the Red Brand headquarters. And basically you see it is essentially just sort of a big warehouse built out of stone. There's one entrance coming in and stationed in front of it are two dudes in red tunics.

What time is it right now? It's sunset. Hey, I got an idea here, guys. So there's kind of a trick that me and the guys back in the trio used to do when we were going through 420 friendly states.

And as if you take a plant matter and you kind of put it on the exhaust, you can blow wild clouds off because the heat of the exhaust combines with, and you can just like gas out like a garage or a closed space. And all I'm saying is,

If we wait until it's dark and we figure out which one of these plants is most advantageous to us and we hotbox this entire warehouse, we'll be able to get in and sneak out. No problem, dudes. I do wonder how we're going to get in. If we smoke out the whole place, how are we going to get through without getting what is, I believe, referred to as a contact high. Did I say that right? Or maybe we can shield our nose and mouths in some way. Urine. Urine. Right? What?

Where is this going? If you pee on a cloth. It was only a matter of time until water sports came into Dungeons and Daddies. If you pee on a cloth. I was listening to Hardcore History and they're talking about World War I and they peed on their faces. Wait, did one person or is it just like, does each man pee on his own face or is there a different way to work that? Oh, no.

Maybe I wasn't clear. We shouldn't pee on the faces. We should pee on some piece of cloth and then put it on our face covering our nose and mouth. I'm going to... Henry pulls out his phone, which he has not used yet. Oh, yeah. Okay. And Henry's going to Google whether peeing on a rag will help you un-gas mask yourself. Okay. Well, first of all, roll a d20. Okay. Hot dice. Okay.

I got five. All right, cool. So next time you roll, you got to make sure to not get a two. Okay. And as you're Googling, you get a phone call. It's one of those like red screens that says like scam likely. It says scam likely. Yeah. Okay. Uh, I answer it. Hello. Have you a question for scam likely? Scam likely sounds a lot like the library. Is it the library? We're,

Hey, Henry, what's going on over there? Hold on. I'm on the phone with Skate and Likely. I'm trying to check the trickery of the foot. As the patron saint of the tricksters, I would convey to you a free piece of ice.

Hi, boy. Wow, this is not how I was expecting this Google search to go. So, scam likely, I'm assuming if you're cousins with the library, you must have some knowledge of these parts. I have knowledge primarily of scam. I'm sorry.

and japes. My square brother, I mean cousin, my square cousin who made me my brother. Who knows? It might be one of my scams. He doesn't know about the art of trickery. Well, scam likely, we're trying to kind of pull a scam ourselves, which is maybe why you called us. Oh, that's why I knew to call you. I don't have the greatest feeling about scam likely, but I think I'm going to feel... Why wouldn't you try?

I didn't mean to say that part into the phone. I heard it all. I'm going to go ahead and float our idea by him because if this is a guy who knew to call me because we were doing something, I feel like he might know what's up.

We are we were going to smoke out a bad guy hideout with a lot of drug flowers. And we're wondering if we can pee on a rag and then use that to breathe through. And that will keep us from getting high. Absolutely. It shall. OK. What does scam say, Henry? Well, the man named Scam Likely says it's a good idea. I'm going to roll a an incite.

sure on scam likely roll with disadvantage because you're just hearing his voice okay and he is the master of japes oh i got a four seems legit it seems very legit all right guys you know i think i got a good feeling about scam likely and the documentary that uh daryl half remembers so let's do it scam likely thanks so much for your help we're we're gonna do the scam now lovely be sure to call me back and tell me how it went how shall do buddy you have a good one you have it as well scam likely you

And then he hangs up. I love the idea that when he hangs up, you get a notification, like a push notification where it's just like, someone's hacked into your Apple account. Like, they've bought $99 worth of like free app stuff. You're like, whoa, what the hell? I'm really leveling up my dudes in Marvel Strike Force. Ha ha ha!

Have you logged in to your Gmail account at locationforgottenrealms? Yeah, ScanLugly just fished your ass. Okay, I want to drive around slowly and look for any inlet points, any sort of vent shafts, anything that we can hook the car exhaust up into on this headquarters building. So as you drive around, you see that there's only the one door that goes in, the very large door for cargo and stuff like that, but there's an exhaust vent on the side.

And there are two windows on each side. So Nick points out at the map and he goes, just so you know, there's like a bunch of smaller rooms. So I don't know if we'll be able to hotbox the whole place unless all those doors happen to be open. And I'm not sure if they will. Good point. Maybe, Ron, can you just make animals appear? Which animals do you want? Yeah. And Ron winks. Are we going to smoke out a dog or something? What's going on? The exhaust will only go in one part. Maybe you get some animals just run in there with a...

Back in the day, you know, common things like, you know, you light a cat's tail on fire. Woo wee. Don't know what's going to happen. What? Back the fuck up. What? Sorry. Excuse me. What? Old people are the worst. You lit a cat's tail on fire? Look, Daryl, I'm feeling a little bit of judge really quick. No, Matt Arnold has never lit a cat's tail on fire.

The police are on their way. Look, all I'm saying is that we can make any animal appear and we can get some, you know, light some torches of those drugs. Remind us what is the rules for your hat of vermin. It's bat, frog or rat. They are neither friendly nor hostile. They're not under your control. They behave as an ordinary creature of their kind and they try to get away from you as quickly as possible. After an hour or when they drop to zero hit points, they disappear.

So, Ron, when you got your frogs, Richard and Maggie, Richard and Maggie, they were like trying to get away from you, huh? Well, I luckily was able to catch them and hold on to them to save myself. Did you get a sense that they were like trying to get away from you?

No, no, I've never gotten that sense from anybody. Right, right. Okay, cool, cool, cool. You know, in my times in this land, I've become intuitively aware of an ability I have, and I think I could maybe speak with an animal. Oh, yes.

Wow. So mayhap, I have a first level divination spell that allows me to speak with animals. Speak with animals is also a very good band name. Speak with animals. That's right. From the makers of Animal Collective, come speak with animals. Okay, you gain the ability to comprehend and verbally communicate with beasts for the duration of the spell, which is about 10 minutes. So I can talk to a beast or an animal, and I might be able to persuade a beast to perform a small favor for me.

At the GM's discretion. Yeah, GM discrets. GM says you'll definitely be able to do that. That's great. So you have, remind me, it's a bat, rat, and a frog. You can choose any combination of them. You can have three creatures at any given time, and any individual of them can be a rat, a bat, or a frog. I would like two rats and a bat. What should their names be? Nibbler. For the... For the bat. For the bat.

And then we'll say sonar for one of the rats. And Dracula. And Dracula for the second rat. Sonar, Nibbler, and Dracula is the name of the band.

I'm feeling really good about this plan, guys. All right. So I'd like to put this plan into motion. All right. So tell me exactly what you do in what order and I will have you roll for things as you do. Okay. Okay. So I think the first step is we go back to the field of flowers. Nick, what do each of the colors do? Purple makes you float. Yeah.

Yellow makes you nauseous. Purple haze. I'm like jotting down potential street names, like cool street names. Purple haze. Okay. Okay. Mellow yellow. Yellow. Ooh, makes you nauseous. No, no. I cross out mellow yellow for my notebook. Blue makes you paranoid. Green makes you think you're dead. Oh my God. White makes you tell the truth. That's not a racial thing. And pink makes you forget the last five minutes. So it feels like if we could blend the cocktail here of the one that makes you think you're dead and...

makes you vomit and then makes you forget things. Maybe levitate. Cause why not? Paranoia. Paranoia. They will attack us. Oh yeah. And here's the best thing about floating. You just push them out of the way. Yeah. Oh, true, true, true, true. So we build a bunch of bundles of those flowers. Okay. Uh, the next step is I will take the oil from my jug that I got and create a tincture of

An essence, an essential oil of those flowers. Beautiful. So we have like some, you know, infused oils of those ones as well as a bunch of bundles. Okay. Can you roll a nature with advantage? Nature with advantage.

between an 18 and 11. I'll take the 18. Okay. This tincture, he seems very dank. Yes. Yes. Dank tincture. So we have now a bunch of bundles of these flowers, which we're careful with handling. You know, we'll maybe pass some gloves on because we've seen the effect. We have the oil of this. We need to figure out some sort of improvised hose of some kind. So the Honda Odyssey has an interior vacuum cleaner that

That's right. It really does. Yes. In addition to DVD screens that pop down, it has a built-in vacuum cleaning system. It looks like it's about a six-foot hose.

Gary Gygax just hit 300 RPM in his grave. So I'm not sure how tall it is, but we got like a six foot hose, so we need to extend it more from the... No, that's fine. That's enough. Okay. He's like, yeah, that's fine. What am I going to do? Make you come up with a second hose? We go into the forest and search for materials. Hey, sir, can you give us like four feet of skin? I can just like molt at will. Okay, that's fine. This six foot hose will do it. Grow your hair out right now. Okay.

Ron tries really hard. He's like, oh, you can do that? I was like, Daryl, CERN asked you a question.

So we'll drive up to the side. I assume at this point after our preparations, it's the middle of the night, probably two, 3 a.m. We go into neutral and we push it in case Anthony is going to do some crazy shit where they hear us. Kill the headlights and put it in neutral. Yeah. Cause if there's anything you know about me, it's that I'm going out of my way to fuck you over and not roll with you. So, uh, yeah, don't try to play any tricks on us. Does the van have any scotch tape or like tape? Uh,

You know what? I'll be honest. I don't think there'd be... You probably have a duct tape, though. I definitely have duct tape. I do not have scotch tape. There would be some sort of tape in the first aid kit, too. Oh, yeah. I'm just thinking how to affix the bouquets to our animal friends. Oh, probably a bandage... In a healthy, safe way that does not endanger them. Yeah, you take this bandage wrap, non-sticky bandage wrap, and just wrap it up around them. Oh. Yeah. So Ron will probably summon our aforementioned one bat and two rats. Yes. Yes.

Do I have to say anything or can I say anything? You can always say whatever you want to, Beth. Go, go, hat of vermin, go. I want two rats and a bat. Ha ha ha!

Two rats and a bat poof out of the hat and immediately start moving away from you. And we do it inside the van, right? Because there's nowhere to, inside the van, there's nowhere for them to go. Okay, so as she casts them, I cast speak with animals. Okay, so immediately you hear the two rats and the bat going like, get away from me. The guy's fucking weird. We got to get away from him. We got to get as far away from him as possible.

You guys are so fucking weird. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We got to get away from this fucking guy. Henry, what are they saying? They're saying that Ron is such a cool cat. We can't wait to hang out with him. Hey, guys. Hey, it's me, Henry. Hello. Hi. What's going on? Why are we here? So you've been summoned into existence. Oh, Jesus. So we need a favor from you guys.

I would like to ask one small favor from, I will do anything to get away from that guy. Sure, sure, sure. Cool, cool, cool. So we're going to affix some little flower bouquets to you guys. And we need you to run into that building and get into as many rooms as you can. Cause we're trying to like smoke out the building. Uh,

Okay, okay, I guess. Sure. Can we do it now, please? Get me out of this. Yeah, we're going to do it. We're going to do it as quick as we can. Just keep us away from this guy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hey, Ron. Hey, I was just thinking how if I'm a cool cat, rats don't really like cats. You know, that's exactly the problem.

They're a little intimidated by how cool you are. Oh, okay. This happens a lot. Yeah, you know, so I think just because, you know, you want to maintain that cool air of Mystique, I would like maybe keep your distance from the rat in the bag. Okay, okay. They can't handle the Ron Stampler-ster. Exactly.

I was going to say the Ronster, but then I said the Stamplers. I'll be in the back. Can we get cool? When we do merch, can we get a mug that on the front says they can't handle the Ron Stampler on the back of just a stir? Okay, we tie up the animals and prep them with the bouquets. Okay. Somebody roll animal handling. Oh, I got that. Hey, buddies. Hey, cuties.

That's a 14. Okay. How big are these bouquets that we're putting on these animals? These two dang drug doers probably wrap them tight as shit. They're probably like six colored joints. It's not about volume. It's about how tight that pack is. Yeah, it's probably like 60 petals per tightly wrapped joint. So I know we just all put Daryl on blast for lighting a cat's tail on fire and like, holy shit, are we going to have to light these joints on fire and put them on the back of an animal? Well, you know, these guys are going to disappear in like...

an hour anyway. Oh man. The rats in the bed are like, what's he saying? What did he say? Is there anything we can do to like make sure that they don't get hurt? We could give them cigarette holders like Cruella de Vil.

Okay. Here's what you could do. We could tie it behind them like on a little piece of twine. Like on their tails? Like on their tails. So they're not like dragging it behind them. Or floating it underneath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are not advocating for abusive animals on this podcast. Thank you, Will. So we've prepped the animals. It's the dead of night. We're about to push the car up to where the exhaust vent is on the building. Okay, so because it's dark and because the car's in neutral, roll stealth with advantage. Okay.

16. Okay, you're fine. As far as you can tell, nobody notices. So we're running in and the animals are running in. We're going to let smoke out. We're going to send the animals in and then we're going to go in afterwards after we know that this drug is at time to take effect. All right. Okay. There are still the two guards out front. They've switched out for a different pair of guards, but they're still just the two guards out front. Okay. These guys are guys I think we're going to have to take care of because everyone inside is probably sleeping or they're taking the shift. So we'll have to figure that out. Maybe the only time we'll have to get aggressive, but I say we start the plan.

Okay. Dads, are we about to start the plan? Synchronize your watches, dads. Synchronize your urination. Nick is like, you are so fucking cool. Ha ha ha!

I guess it's time for us to empty our bladders onto the mask that we will be wearing. I give everybody a strip of a cloth. I critically fail on my urination on it, though. You can't go when people are watching. Yeah, exactly. But I pretend like I did. So it's like, oh, it'll be fine. It'll just be a cloth. So my cloth is not soaked with urine. Okay, good to know. At all? Yeah. But you don't notice that. We don't know. We're all peeing. Yeah, you're all peeing. So do we all have to roll our pee? It's up to you. I'm going to roll a pee.

I got a 17, guys. Dude, you got so much. I got 11. That's good. You're good at playing. I got a 19. Daryl lets her rip. Daryl's just so loud, you have to do another stealth check. That's a natural 20.

Daryl knows how to fucking pee. And it also blends in to the gentle sounds of a babbling brook nearby and causes anyone with an earshot to drift into a deeper, more restful slumber. It's like perfect white noise. Or it causes them to pee.

Please join our Patreon for our ASMR video of Matt Arnold peeing for 90 minutes so you too can get a restful slumber to the sounds of his bladder emptying. I don't think mine, you know, it doesn't smell like it would block anything. Does anybody want to trade? Oh, God.

Hey, CERN. Elizabeth Scales makes stuff that's like, I was hoping I wouldn't go in. Is this, I guess this is up to you, Daryl. No, buddy, you should watch. Thank you so much. He should be revving the car to make sure. He's got to rev the car because again, you need to keep the engine to push all the air. I can do that. Yeah, no problem.

Yeah. Let me teach him how to, I teach him what pedal does what he's not quite tall enough to reach them. Also, he has to lean down over. It's a little bit cute. So Nick's like, so you want me in front or in back when we rushed this place? Ah, you know what, uh, Nick, here's what I was thinking. Uh, because CERN doesn't really know much about how like automobiles work. Uh,

I feel like you should like stay behind and make sure that, you know, he's revving the engine that the car's working and everything. You can, you know, if anything goes wrong, you can stay out and kind of keep a lookout, you know? He sounds kind of lame though. I want to be with you. Well, okay. You remember when the stones played Ultima out? Of course I do. You know, I remember that.

Well, you weren't allowed to wear it. But what I told you about is... Yeah. A big reason why that concert went off so well was because the Hells Angels were keeping a lookout over the crowd. Ooh. So I'm the Hells Angel. Yeah, you're going to be my Hells Angel and I'll be the Mick Jagger at this equation. That sounds perfect. I'm down with that. Everyone mask up. Everybody does.

Stage one of our cool dad heist, guys. The two sentries out front. Is cool the word? Yes. And I think we're wearing pee masks. At this point, Ron throws the animals in through the windows by the vent. Oh, yeah. I just like open the door. And then the little rat should run past the guards. It feels like the animals in the car go at the same time. We count to 20 or whatever, and then we go in also. OK, so you let the bat in through the window and then you send the two rats toward the guards at the front. Yeah. To try and distract them. OK, so.

And we lit them on fire. Yeah, we lit their bundles. We lit their joints on fire. So the bat gets in fine. It goes in. You start to see smoke coming out of the window that it just went in. And the van's going to. And the van's going. And you can definitely see that some smoke is leaking out of the exhaust pipe a little bit. Not so much that you're worried that it's not getting high, but enough that if this were a video game, you would know, like, okay, cool, that's active smoke.

It's doing the thing we intended it to do. Puzzle solved. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. A quick save icon comes up on the bottom corner of the screen. The two rats, as they run up toward the guards, the guards see them and...

go, oh shit, and start like trying to like kick at the rats. They hit the rats, not enough to do damage, but enough to keep them away from the door. So rather than running in, they're just like tussling with the guards essentially. Are the guards getting high? Because the rats are moving back and forth and because the guards are trying to attack them, the smoke isn't quite getting to the guards. So they seem like they're not having any effects happen to them. But they're distracted, right? They are certainly paying attention to the rats. And if you wanted to attack them or do something now, you would get stealth advantage. I think it's time to get in there, guys, and knock these guys out. Okay, Glenn.

It's nunchuck time. It's nunchuck time, baby. This chain glistens in the moonlight as I steal myself to do one flourish, a five. Ooh, close. A second flourish.

a 15 all right the fucking not let it ride from there on and i approach one of the guards who looks the most distracted and try and bonk him over the head with my nunchaku should we simultaneously attack them yeah i'm leading the charge whatever one uh uh glenn's going for uh daryl's raising his axe but he's using the blunt end to bludgeon because he's not going for a different guy the other guy the other guy okay yeah yeah

Go ahead and roll, and if you hit, then you'll get stealth attack damage. Can you try to knock out instead of kill? Yeah, whenever you want to. Basically, at any point in D&D, you say, I'm doing non-lethal damage, and it mechanically is identical. I guess the flourishes don't really work in stealth because there's no one there to see it, but it helps me. It helps me. I feel more confident. I come in, I'm with an eight. Daryl sneaks up, raises the axe, and rolls a one. LAUGHTER

Plants off to a great start. Oh, man. So as Glenn Close comes in, basically the way that we had said this is every correct flourish gives you a plus one to hit. So you rolled a 10. Yeah. Effectively. So as you come in, you try to swipe down with the nunchuck, but as the guy is leaning down to kick the rat, he just barely dodges out of the way and it just...

right past his head. As that happens, the guard looks up to be like, huh? And turns just in time to see Daryl hit himself in the face with his own fucking axe handle because he's not used to using the handle to attack instead of the blade. So go ahead and roll an attack against yourself. It hurt itself in this confusion. Yeah.

That's gonna be oh wow this axe is very strong maybe 15 damage D20 for damage

Is 1d12 plus 3. What? Are you fucking kidding me? How much health do you have? I have 32. Okay, all right. All right. Okay. So you almost concuss yourself immediately. Holy shit. And not only that, you like bend over and like take a deep breath to try to get your like, your sort of faculties back. And as the smoke enters your lungs...

You remember, oh shit, in that documentary, they tried to use pee to neutralize the chlorine in chlorine gas, and it did nothing. It has nothing to do with poison in general. Oh my god. And you begin to vomit and float. Oh my god. And you think that you're dead. Oh my god. You forget the last five minutes, and you can only tell the truth. So the guards see this happening. They see you hit yourself in the face and then vomit all over yourself, and they're like, oh.

alarm and then one of them takes out a whistle and just blows it really loud and you hear a lot of cacophony within the warehouse and your stealth plan has officially gone to shit. You know, we have ruined so many of Anthony's clever plans that it's only fair that we've completely ruined one of our own. Good job, everyone. I feel like this episode has a good anti-drug message in it. That's right, kids. And as Henry would say, that's a wrap. Oh,

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson, Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Henry Oak, Beth May as Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song by Maxton Waller. If you've enjoyed this show, may I suggest either recommending it to a friend or leaving a nice review on iTunes for us. It helps us out.

Or you could even do both. That helps us out doubly. Slide into them DMs at Dungeons and Dads on Twitter. Find a nonstop cavalcade of unbearable dad humor on our Facebook group at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads and join the burgeoning subreddit at reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons

Dungeons and Daddies. Is there a better way of saying a subreddit like slash R? I've never been able to figure that out. We're coming back at you May 7th. So until then, 9 out of 10 dads agree wearing socks and sandals combines both the comfort of socks with the convenience of sandals. So that's why you should do it. Before we started recording, we were talking about investment tips and it was maybe the most dad I've felt in my entire life.

It turns out you're just supposed to hang on to your mutual funds. Don't try to play the market, kids. Always save 5% of your paycheck and put that into your savings account. There you go. That's good. I don't do that at all. And also, if you're young, fuck it. Put it all in weed stocks. Who knows? Invest in dank.

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