Ep. 52 - Pap-Papillon
01:01:47 Share

Your wedding will be one of the happiest days of your life, and Blue Nile can help you celebrate it with a gift that'll last a lifetime. Whether you're looking for wedding bands, a gift for your partner, or an unforgettable thank you to your bridesmaids, Blue Nile offers a wide assortment of jewelry of the highest quality at the best price, plus expert guidance to ensure you find the perfect piece. Experience the convenience of shopping Blue Nile, the original online jeweler since 1999, at BlueNile.com.

BlueNile.com Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. You unlock this door with a key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of daddies. A dimension of dungeons. You're moving into a land of rats who talk and rats who can't talk. Of good ideas and terrible dice rolls. You've just crossed over into the doo-doo zone.

Consider the scene before you. Four fathers from another world attempting to break their childless friend out of a maximum security penitentiary. The woman who stands in their way is an elk with glasses, suspenders, and a strong distaste for billionaires. Having just failed to convince her to release their friend peacefully, a fight has broken out. But unbeknownst to them, just under their feet, the very subject of all this conflict sleeps soundly next to an enthusiastic but silent rat. And this complete dum-dum, who was nearly free before he decided to waltz back into a room full of sleeping gas...

is about to wake up, but unlike the mornings after many of his other countless benders, he won't be waking up to a world of day-old tequila, dank kush, and three missed messages from his little boy. No, today Glenn Close wakes up in... The Doo-Doo Zone. The Doo-Doo Zone

What's up all you cowboys and cucumbers? It's Jody on the roadie and today on this long stretch of pavement, I haven't seen another car in five hours. So you know what that means? We got a brand new episode of Dungeons and Daddies on deck. Nicholas is like, yeah! Not a BDSM podcast, of course. Yeah! Howdy do. This is a show about a slick-talking, fun-loving group of guys. Yup.

All guys. You got their big dumb butts up to some big dumb trouble after they bust through a portal riding in their big white minivan. They're out in this strange new land looking for their lost children and it's been a real who in the holler so far. I love my cowboy dad. So hope you enjoy the long drive ahead. Well, Ted Fork and Ted Flaregood, buddy, come on back now, you hear me? No!

I got a bear in the air and Smokey on my ass. The combination of not wanting something and then also not wanting it after it happens, not asking for it, not wanting it, not being okay with it. That's what it is. Can season two please be a trucker podcast? Can we play four truckers lost in the forgotten realms rolling on a convoy?

to Neverwinder? We never see each other in person. We only talk to each other on the radio. Yeah, it's all through CB radio. We'll do a thing that's in the Cars universe where you're four trucks. Oh my God. Yes. Has everyone seen the movie Convoy with Chris Christopherson? That's your fucking ass I have. It is so good. Butt-ass sexy man fucking getting in a bar fight. I was going to say, has anyone seen the movie Cars?

cars cars amazing cars have you guys seen this it's a real sleeper maybe two more amazing um anyway hi my name is jimmy wong i play jody foster a highway cop turned paladin and my dad fact is exactly what you just heard jody would do that on the road quite often because there are some days where literally just nothing happens he was like on a small highway in the middle of nowhere being a cop and a lot of time to pass so he just spent a lot of time like doing stuff

Wacky shit. All right. Okay. Finally, another trucker enthusiast on the podcast. I'm here for it. Oh, no. What have I unleashed? I'm an astro truckers.

I feel like if there's two words that I could like invest GameStop money into for this is going to lead to something problematic, it would be trucker enthusiast. Hey, everybody, this is nonfiction dad Matthew Arnold playing a fictional dad named Darrell Wilson using the expertise and knowledge that can only come from a nonfiction dad to enlighten the truth.

And beauty of this fictional dad, Daryl Wilson. Daryl Wilson is a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this wonderful world of whimsy that we find ourselves in. So little dad fact, back in the day upon switching out the crib to a normal bed, Dorothy finally turned off her light and said, I love you, Dada, and went to bed for the first time in a crib. That's you. She learned how to laugh.

Oh, sorry. That was just a dad fact about Dorothy and me because it just really made my day. We have strayed so far from the Lord's light in these intros. It's awful. You know what? Fuck it. I'll go next. Go. I had a dad fact, but you know what? I don't think I deserve one. No, you don't. Matt's got real dad facts. We're all jealous. That's why. All right, Beth. I want to hear it. Give me some dad fiction. I mean, seriously, she turned off her own light and said goodnight. That is really cute, honestly. Like, first night without a crib. Matt, I'm throwing up in my mouth right now.

Okay, that's all. Sorry, go ahead, Beth. My name is Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, an emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that Ron's favorite game show is Jeopardy, because he relates to the answers being questions. Sometimes you just don't know. Sometimes you're genuinely asking things. Like...

You know, what is the grapes of wrath? You know, like. That's true. Well, hey there, gear jammers and pedal slammers. I'm Papa Billy driving 18 wheels, a big real steel down Highway 9, 10-4, 10-4. Good buddy, watch out for those bears in the air. We're heading eastbound and down for lost wages. That's what we truckers call Las Vegas here. Eastbound and down. My dead fact is while Matt was talking about how much his daughter loves him or whatever, I was just on the Wikipedia page for CB Slang Writing. No, really? Oh, yeah.

Amazing. I play the hard-driving, hard-drinking, crunchy-munchy, hippie-natured druid dad. It's my kind of man. It's a trucker podcast now. I play Henry Oak. My dad fact about Henry this week, in the spirit of getting rowdy on this podcast, since we've now revealed that Henry canonically fucks, I thought I would talk about Henry's favorite sexual position. No. Which, of course, is mutual respect.

Just kidding. He likes going down on people. Wait, hold up. Do you guys hear that? What? It's like 9,000 Patreon subscribers unsubscribing. Damn.

That's it. That's my dad. That's all I got. It's a wild one, guys. Before the show, we had about an hour's worth of technical difficulties, so you're going to get punchy dad energy tonight. It's a vibe right now. I feel a vibe. Just a bunch of punch-drunk truckers. Hey, folks. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the hard-rockin', fast-talkin' bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact. Glenn would never abuse the CB radio waves.

like Jody would because he has a respect for the hardworking men and women who ride America's roadways delivering the critical infrastructure and cargo that we all use and need. America runs on the back of truckers and Glenn knows where the lines are.

are drawn, and the line is, don't fuck around on CB radios. Those truckers need those airwaves. Jody! Yeah, but they're not going to hear Dungeons and Daddies if he doesn't do it. He literally has to recite the whole thing by himself. It's crazy. He's our street team. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Speaking of voices, my dad fact today is I'm trying to do more impressions, but I don't want to waste your time. So I'm only going to do impressions that are one syllable long. So here's my impression of Patrick Warburton.

- Shit, that was, that was very good. - Holy shit. - That's very good. - That's hot.

When we last left off, the group managed to talk their way into the office of Warden Elizabeth Warden of the Meth Bay Correctional Facility. And after Elizabeth Warden tried to cut off one of your hands for wasting her time after she took 75% of your gold, you basically started a fight and we rolled for some initiative. We started a fight. Somebody tries to cut off our hands and Anthony's read of that is we started a fight. I feel like that's how it's going to go down in Elizabeth Warden's report.

Anthony, as the DM, would you say you're the truck driver of this podcast? And if so, would you honk the podcast horn for me? Aww. Yeah. Yeah.

I swear to God, that's going to be your new text message notification. Amazing. Everyone roll for initiative as you go into this fight with Elizabeth Warren. 21. I got a 14.

I got a 13. I got a 12. You're making it very convenient for me. Thank you. So Elizabeth Warren is going to take her turn first. She is going to spend a move galloping out of her office. I forgot she was an elk. Does she have opposable thumbs, Anthony? No, she has really articulate hooves. What?

Wait, wait. There must be like, Jimmy, you play Dungeons and Dragons. There must be some sort of reaction. We technically should get an attack of opportunity. You have an attack of opportunity as she passes by you. What would you like to do? Now, does an attack of opportunity, is that just like its own thing so I don't get like the same? It's a basic melee attack. So nothing sexy, nothing cool. Just roll whatever your hit is for your weapon. And don't do it sexy.

Okay, I will try not to do a sex scene. 12 inches between the dice and the table for the Holy Ghost. Okay, I'm going to grab, I'm assuming she's got like filing on her desk. Yeah, do you want to try to give her a lethal paper cut? No, no, no, no. No, I just get a bonus if I use spontaneous weapon. Yeah, okay, so she's got a mug that says world's best mom and in parentheses, this one was not given on backwards day.

I don't grab that. What I grab is the, you said there was filing on her desk, right? Yeah, there's like papers and stuff. Fucking punish her administratively. You know, like in a Kung Fu movie where you like, you know, like a Jackie Chan with like a chair, like I'm going to try to get that in her hooves to help me grapple her because I can do a bonus grapple when I do my cavern. With paper? No, no.

no files like you know like like a stack like three you know like a lot of paper yeah that's just much paper you're just describing what it's like in the animated mulan sorry jimmy it's like in the animated she uses the fan through the sword and flipper what do you call it when you store paper in like three stacks on a desk with like you know labels you know it's like a piece of plastic with three drawers you know like where you have file your paper like a binder binder binder

Like a hard spine binder like you might use in elementary school with folders inside with different pictures of your favorite WWE wrestlers. Shelfs that hold paper. A filing cabinet? A filing cabinet.

You want to grab a filing cabinet and hit her with a filing cabinet. Why don't you just grab her by the legs, Daryl? Hey, why don't you punch her? This makes me question. She's running past you. You're not going to have time to pick up a filing cabinet and hit her with it as she gets past you. Punch her with your meat hands, you idiot. How can I raise a perfect two-year-old daughter if I can't describe the most basic thing on top of a desk?

Tomorrow you're going to tuck her into bed. She's going to turn off her own light and go, Daddy, what is filing? Oh, Matt, you're talking about like one of the little boxes on your desk that you put files in. Like an inbox? Yes, like an inbox. To Matt's credit, I don't know what to... An inbox outbox. Yes, an inbox type thingy. Sorry, what a fucking specific thing to ask for, to use... Just punch

punch the thing I love how this shows none of us have ever worked in an office you want to know did she have this on her desk the answer is no I punch her in the face okay punch her in the face roll it on her face strike fuck it can I still do a grapple afterwards that's all I'm trying to get to is grapple if you hit her instead of doing damage you can grapple her sure not to be difficult but I do think she would have one of these on her desk yeah

No, she's so effective that you don't even need an inbox. The second it hits her desk, it's in the outbox. 15. 15 is not going to do it. So you throw a punch and it just glances off of one of her gorgeous elk antlers and it is deflected away as she continues to run. So she sprints past you and leaves the room and you're like, oh, cool. She probably left. But then she rears up on her back hind legs and turns around. That's exactly what Henry says. He says, oh, cool, she probably left. Yeah.

She rears up on her hind legs, turns around, lowers her head, and then charges at you. Oh, Daryl was so sure she left because you sold it so well that he's already rummaging through her drawers. Be like, all right, she left. Then she gets advantage. Oh. Anthony's taking no hostages tonight, boys. Watch out. Okay, so she rolls a 19. I'm assuming a 19 is higher than your AC. Yes. So she's going to attack you for...

18 damage as her elk antlers bonk into your meaty chest, and it's going to knock you flat onto your back prone. So any subsequent attacks against you that are melee based will have advantage while you are prone. But she didn't know that you were about to go next, so it's your turn next. Daryl definitely had like an uncle that had like a farm, and Daryl's definitely been like hit by a goat before. Matt was hit by a goat when he was very young. He's been scared by goats. Yeah, like a goat rammed into me. Like a little goat.

You can love a bat, Nate. I get it now. Thank you, bat. Bat, bat, bat. Nice. Daryl's going to evoke rage because an animal hit him in the chest and then he's going to pop up. Actually, no, he's not going to pop up. He's just going to sweep the legs. Ooh. Ooh.

Here's a question. How does Daryl feel about UFC? Is he a UFC guy? Would he know? He's like, oh, you got me on the ground. Big mistake. My ground game is out of this world. This is one place where Daryl and Matt are very similar. He definitely likes wrestling because it's fake. He definitely thinks UFC, like Matt does, is fucking barbaric and not much different than gladiator arenas. And our society is fucked up for watching people beat the shit out of each other until they almost die.

This is what Daryl thinks of UFC. Daryl's a complicated man. Daryl enjoys funny, goofy stuff where they pretend to hit each other. Daryl likes games like football where no one suffers in permanent brain damage. Daryl goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Amazing. If somebody convinced Daryl to watch that documentary, he would probably be terrified, to be fair. What documentary? The one with Will Smith? Yeah. Well, no, the one. Okay, so he's going to scoop the leg.

All right. So 18 on sweeping the leg. So that'll hit. What's your sweep the leg damage? Keeping in mind, she has four of them. Yeah, which of them? Well, that's why I got two attacks, buddy. I'm going to pivot and hit the other legs. All right.

Six damage. Oh, wow. And then I'm going to use my second attack to do tavern brawl or strike to sweep the leg again. But this time, I don't know. I'm going to use what's something on the floor I can use. Oh, weird. One of those filing things are on the floor, but not on the desk.

she took it off her desk and put it on the ground she's like i'll never need to use this i grabbed the inbox grab wireframe inbox outbox thing from office depot yes exactly i grab a pen plus gear black two and one organizing system metal file organizer set from walmart and i spin around on my stomach so essentially i like swept a leg and then like pivoted to another set of legs and are gonna sweep those as well dude

I'm using the pen and gear black two and one filing set to give me that extra range to him. That's a natural 20. As you can see, 20 plus seven. That's a crit. So roll double damage. I'm going to try to grapple her with this actually, though. The first hit, you sweep the leg and her front two legs, they kind of buckle in the knees. Now you're face to face with Liz Warren. She goes, oh, it's going to be like that, is it?

and then now you're in a grappler i guess with your natural yeah so when i do that first hit i go this second hit's gonna hit 10 times harder get ready and then i go for that second hip instead of hurting her i just roll her over and like sit on her stomach okay like you know like when kids that bully other kids i'm like summer camp or whatever i'm just like sitting on her stomach you're gonna take the part of the bully in this situation yeah i mean i feel like i'm pretty justified here again you're not gonna make me feel morally bad about this anthony i just want to make sure that the

cool, woke dad that doesn't think UFC is okay is okay with sitting on somebody's belly like a bully. That's fine. So yes, Daryl is sitting on her and says, please stop, stop. We just want to save our friend. What are you doing? Okay, so she is restrained. Now it is Henry's turn. Henry gives a weary sigh and he says, Elizabeth Warden,

I'm sorry to say, I'm a Bernie bro. And then he casts Flame Blade and busts out a flaming sword. What? Yeah, that's a thing he can do. I'm trying out new spells, guys. Could you not?

Makes the rest of us, meaning me, look bad. I'm gonna... How the fuck does this spell work? I... You evoke a fiery blade in your hand. The blade is similar in size and shape to a scimitar, and it lasts for the duration, just like Henry. Nice, nice. I got a 10. The fiery blade gets caught in her antlers, and she huffs, and, like, smoke comes out of her nostrils, and she goes...

Bernie didn't win the nomination. I know. She said something sad about Bernie. Welcome to our new political trucker podcast, Dungeons and Daddies. I hate it. Meep meep. Ron, it is your turn. I know that we're technically fighting. I should do a fighting thing, but can I rummage through her desk and see if there are any sensitive documents so I can...

Blackmail her. Like what if there's a shredder? Actually, no, I'm going to threaten her with a shredder. Okay. There's a medieval style paper shredder that is operated by hand crank that is over her trash can. And so an old fashioned lawnmower trash can. Exactly. And it's big enough that you could probably like fit a hand in, let's say, but not so much Fargo.

Just to give you a sense of its size, not to suggest you do anything specific with it. But yeah, you see that on the trash can under her desk. Okay. Ron picks it up and...

And walks over to Elizabeth Worden with it and says, jealous how to get to the locked room or else I'm going to get your nose. And he does the thumb thing like got your nose. But he holds up the paper shutter. Sorry, I just want to really quickly remind us all that Zone of Truth is still active. So if you can remember whether or not you were capable of lying from last episode, that should inform whatever you say to Liz Worden. Okay, uh...

I would really like to go in the other room. And if you won't let us, I'll probably figure out something bad to do with this paper shredder. I'm pretty wily sometimes. Why don't you roll intimidation? Can I try to help for that role? Yes. As per usual, if you try to help, you will roll. And if you succeed, you'll give her advantage. And if you fail, you'll give her disadvantage.

Look, to be perfectly honest, we don't want to hurt you. We're not really good at that. We probably won't like actually want to hurt you. I don't want to torture anybody. But also just based on our record, like even if we don't want to hurt you, there's a good chance we will probably kill you because even we try not to hurt somebody, we end up killing somebody. So I think this will just go bad for you one way or the other. So just like let's just all do this peaceful, please. Just listen to Ron. All right. So you roll intimidation now. I got a 12.

I got a five. It wasn't very intimidating. Okay, with a five. Daryl, you say all that and she goes, so the argument you're making is that I'm going to die no matter what happens and therefore I should go peacefully? That makes the opposite of sense. No, thank you. Now, Ron, roll again and take the worst of the two. Okay. Well, we're all going to die eventually. Setting us up for kind of a failure there.

Henry jumps in and says, I, because I'm in the zone of truth, I'm also morally compelled to tell you that if they try to torture you, I'll probably freak out and try to stop them. That's what I'm saying. They'll probably cause an accident and everyone will die anyways. I got a nine. Elizabeth Warden looks at you and says,

Elizabeth Warden didn't get to where she is today by listening to the haters. And all I see when I look at you is a whole bunch of haters. Well, no offense, man, but right now you're pinned on the ground. So like, if this is where that got you, maybe you should try something different. You know, like, right? I place a hand on Henry's shoulder and I walk past him and I go up to Elizabeth Warden. Yes, it is your turn. And I'm going to cast a very simple spell. It's called command and...

And I get to say a one-word command to a creature I can see within range, and you have to succeed in the wisdom saving throw, or they have to follow the command on its next turn. Okay. I'm going to walk up to Elizabeth Warden and kneel down next to her and straight to her face and just say, Surrender. Whoa. That's pretty tight.

She got a 19, which I'm assuming... Oh my god. I can also pin someone that's grappled to, like, extra restrain her, so can I just do that as well? Okay. We're just gonna pile on. And I look to Daryl, and I think, like, he's gonna need some help because those hooves, they're very dexterous. Yeah, two sets of hooves. We can each get a different set of hooves. Yeah, so I'm gonna try to grapple her other legs and just really, like...

basically with Daryl. Okay. I feel like you don't have to roll for that. That just happened. So all four of her hooves are tied up now. I just kind of be like, dang, it didn't work. And then just grab on. I'm like, all right, this will do. All right, we're going to put our hooves in warm water. It's going to be hilarious. So now it is the guards turn. So two of the putting people guards. We should have closed the door. We should have locked the doors. We should have done it. Through the wide open door and see two people straddling their boss. One of them is going to go in and grab Daryl.

Jimmy with a 16. Jimmy, can you roll it at a pose strength check? I got a 21. Wow. Can't knock that boy over with a pail of water. The guard comes in and tries to shove you off Jody, but you are just so strong and your muscles are so tight. The second that those gauntlets touch you, they go rigid with like, Oh my God, he's so buff. Did you guys ever get those Aikido demonstrations in school?

What? No. We went to the same school our whole lives and never saw an Aikido demonstration. Yeah, you did. You were there. When? Did you get bullied? No, Aikido. Did Matt bully you? Did he get on top of you and say, this is Aikido? This is Aikido. Wait, you guys know what Aikido is, right? Yeah, it's like when they flip you over and stuff. It's like a flippy dip martial art.

Right? We didn't go to Bill Gates school. We just went to normal school. We were lucky to have a basketball that we could play with. Yeah. One time on my field day, they made everybody do the Macarena for exercise. I remember that. Freddie, I went to Rich Kid Private School too. I never saw that demonstration. Damn.

Dang it. Well, whatever then. For the three people listening who got Aikido demonstrations, well, that's probably what happened. Okay, I'll go. Could you phrase it as a silent ball joke? Then I'll get it. A silent ball was great. So with the first round of combat over, we're going to check in and see what's happening with Glenn. What? I get to be here? No. Oh.

When we last left Glenn, he had to run back into the cell to disguise himself. Top 10 greatest D&D plays of all time in the history of D&D, I think. I think that's probably fair. Uh...

No, it's not. So you wake up before the other guards do. You are surrounded, you now see, by six unconscious guards and a very cute unconscious rat who you are spooning. And the door is closed up at the top of the stairs. There's no more gas. The gas is now dissipated into the stone and in the moss. You have who knows how long before these others wake up. At the risk of being a total psychopath here, I would be like, well, fuck these people and I'm going to cast Fireball. Ha ha!

Okay, sure. Just roast these fuckers who've been torturing me for years. Yeah, no, that's fair. No one would argue with that. Whatever. I cast Fireball. They forgot to take my fucking vape, my legal modded vape out, and I can use it to fucking blow flames. Again, you can just do the spells, but okay, sure. Yes. So Fireball is definitely going to wake them up, obviously, when they get hit.

but we've sort of established that they really don't like fire. And have you like, again, hitman style, like dragged all the bodies into one locations, basically. You know how in like Boy Scouts, they like to start a fire, you need to have air underneath. And so you can like form like a little like pyramid of like sticks so that airflow can go through. Like I've literally set them up in such a way. So to maximize airflow. Yeah.

All the suits of armor immolate for a second. You can feel and hear and most importantly smell the sound of whatever is in these suits of armor being cooked. It is a smell I will remember for the rest of my life. Whether you want to or not. And I will associate with victory. Ha ha ha!

So six different puddles of black ooze screaming and bubbling exit their suits of armor. And even as the fire dies down, they're quivering on the ground and they do not look as if they are going to go back into their suits of armor, either because they physically cannot or emotionally will not. And the rat wakes back up and goes, no.

So now I'm going to get one suit of armor to put on. Yeah. It's almost like I made them leave their suits of armor so you could do this. Yes. I'm going to let it cool. Yeah. And I'm going to chill out the top of the stairs so I'm not aging as I'm letting it cool. Sure. Although it would probably cool faster because it's, you know,

Yeah, it would probably cool pretty much immediately from your point of view. Yeah, so I go up the stairs and I turn around immediately outside the magical barrier and come back and it's all cool again. And they're all rusted. It's been a hundred years. No, yeah. No, they're fine. Yes, they're all cool. And then I take a suit of armor that looks the one closest to me and I don it. The right arm of the armor fits perfectly. The left arm and both legs, a little snug, kind of bulging out a little bit. So if somebody rolled a perception check on you, they might be able to notice something's a bit amiss. Okay, that's fair. That's fair. But otherwise, pristine. And

scooch back and wait for someone to come feed me. Oh my God. Okay. I guess roll for acrobatics. 19 plus eight, 27. Okay. Yeah. So you like,

If there were anybody awake other than the rat to hear it, they would hear the grunting and clanking of you moving yourself back up into the alcove above the door. So you wait a few minutes, and as is usually the case, somebody comes down to bring you some goblin blood. And you hear a familiar cha-chunk inside the door. The door opens, and someone steps out. Okay, now I'm going to do it right this time. The moment they step in...

I'm going to drop down while the door is still open. Yep. I'm going to drop down and tackle them. Fucking what I should have done the first time. I know. So give me a strength check with advantage because they do not expect you to be there, nor would anybody expect a fully armored man to be suspended in an alcove. That's a six and then a 17 plus one 18. Thank God for that advantage.

So yeah, describe what you do to this cat. I fall down onto this other guard. And so I basically compress them like an empty can of monster energy drink. And I stopped down on it.

And I flatten them immediately because I have so much momentum coming down. So they're definitely shorter. And then as a squat suit of armor, I then boot it like Pele down the stairs. I'm like, shit, done this the first time. You kick it and it just rolls down the stairs and you are basically free to leave the room.

Again. And I hold my hand out to my little rat friend. I'm like, sometimes it takes a couple of tries, okay? Like, don't worry about it. The mouse shrugs as if to say it's a living and then climbs onto your hand. I'm like, ooh, ooh, ratatouille into my helmet with me so that, you know...

So no one sees you. Yeah. Okay. So I lift a little visor. Yeah. He climbs into the visor and you could feel him immediately grab two strands of hair just in case he ever needs to pilot you like a gager. So if I ever get knocked unconscious, he can still take over. Yes. He can still ratatouille you.

All right, so now I'm exiting, finally, and I want to go up one flight of stairs to the next level and kind of peek and see what I can see. So as you go up the one flight of stairs, you see a very large set of double doors that are closed. You see another flight of stairs at the other end of the room leading upward to what looks like light, and you hear...

To the right, through an open door, you hear the angrily fighting and cursing voices of your, not your former friends, your current friends, the daddies. You hear the daddies fighting someone that sounds like a really progressive, really intelligent, like overqualified, if anything, person that you can't quite see, but you can definitely hear from here. Also, she sounds like an elk. I want to investigate those double doors. Yeah, go ahead and roll Arcana.

11 plus 3, 14 arcana. With a 14, you can tell that those doors are definitely hiding a lot of magic. With only a 14, you can't tell exactly what the nature of that magic is. You can tell that some powerful magic is behind those doors. I want to open the double doors first just to see what the hell's going on. So go ahead and roll a sneak to make sure that nobody that's fighting can notice you're there. 10 plus 8, 18. All right, great. So they don't see you. So yeah, you can go over the double doors.

And I want to open them. So as you open the double doors, you see two things immediately. First, at the end of this room, you can see a door with a little window inside of it that appears to be closed. And through that window, even from this distance, you can see swords, magic staffs, all kinds of equipment stuff.

The other thing that grabs your eye perhaps more violently is the fact that the wall is covered in switches, like Frankenstein-esque, pull-the-lever-cronk-ass switches and levers. And looking at them, you can see a bunch of numbers, and the numbers you're realizing are the same structure as your prisoner number. Is there any way I can target specific rooms? Why don't you roll perception for me?

16. Okay, so with a 16, you can see that every lever has a light on it, and the color of the light changes according to what room that they're in. But more obviously, you can tell that each of the levers has a different number appended to it, and that number has something to do with their prisoner number. So therefore, by seeing what the highest numbers are, you can see who came into the prison the latest, which would maybe help you with your

friend situation i'm just gonna flip one of these at random then one of the newer sets there's five assuming that each one of the five corresponds to one of your friends i'll just i'll just roll a d5 and just flip one at random okay and i roll a three so you could hear in the other room as one set of boots magnetizes to the ground huh that didn't seem to do anything

OK, and you said that there's a room full of weapons next to me. Yeah, there's a room full of what seems to be weapons, gold, anything that's maybe been taken from prisoners is in this room. And it's just a locked door with a little glass window on the door so that you could tell what was inside without me having to explain it non-diegetically. I want to try and break the window. I'll punch the window. OK, give me a strength check. OK.

I rolled a natural one on this. How do you try to smash it with your fist or your elbow? I try and use my elbow, but then you ever hit your funny bone? Yes. Like super hard. And it just like kind of numbs your whole arm. Great. Yes. I do that. I'm like, fuck. Okay. So with that tremendous display of masculine strength done with, we are going to transition back to the fight in Elizabeth Warden's office.

At BlueNile.com, you can find endless ways to make your moments sparkle. From classic and timeless jewelry gifts, to creating the custom engagement ring of her dreams. All at prices you won't find at a traditional jeweler. And right now, you can save up to 40% on fine jewelry, and 25% on engagement ring settings, during the Blue Nile Anniversary Sale, going on now. Go to BlueNile.com to shop the Blue Nile Anniversary Sale, and save up to 40%.

That's BlueNile.com. Dungeons & Dragons brought to you this week by Rocket Money. Rocket Money cancels subscriptions for you, and they also negotiate lower bills. Like, this is a thing you pay for, but guess what? It saves you money. That's how it works. How much do you think you're overpaying in subscriptions every month? Too much. 74% of people have subscriptions they've straight up forgotten about.

Like me. You know what I'm going to do is I'm going to start doing like the guy in Memento and I'm just going to tattoo all my subscriptions on my body and that way I'll remember. Yeah, it's like I got one on my chest that says YouTube TV and it says never trust this guy. There's just a big one on my chest that says John G signed me up for Adobe Cloud. John G didn't have a Roku. Ha ha.

Most Americans think they spend about $62 a month on subscriptions. But guess what? The real number? Closer to $300. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, you have full control over all of your subscriptions and a clear view of your expenses. You can see all of your subscriptions in one place. And if you see something you don't want, you just tap it. You cancel it. Tap it a few times. It's gone. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

I love also that the dashboard shows you... That was me tapping all of you guys. I want you out of my life. I'm cutting you out. Aww. I love how the dashboard also shows this month's spending compared to last month so you can track month to month how much you're spending. You can see those habits and they'll help you create a custom budget to help keep your spending on track. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. It's just like those when you deposit a check in a bank. You know what I mean? You just take a picture. That really feels crazy.

Take a picture of a check and that's how it works? I know, that was wild when that first time I saw it. I felt like I was in the future. I was like, do I take a picture of a $20 bill and now I have $20 more in my account? Yeah, Rocket Money. No. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved the total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com.

We'll be right back.

That's true. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. Oh, we could do a Deadpool Wolverine-like theme for this one. Mint Mobile's here to rescue, just like Deadpool rescued Wolverine from the timeline that he was in with premium wireless plans. Who rescued who? Starting at 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text. You know who talks an unlimited amount is the Merc with the Mouth in Deadpool 3. Delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Bub.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts into anywhere in the multiverse you might choose to go. Ditch overpriced wireless plans with Mint Mobile's deal and get three months of premium wireless service for $15 a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash dungeons. That's mintmobile.com slash dungeons. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash dungeons.

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. C-Mint Mobile for details.

The first guard that rushes in tries to move Jody, finds that Jody is just too sturdy, gets frustrated, pulls out its sword and swings it down at you. So does a 17 beat your AC? Yes. Okay. So it is going to do 17 damage to you as the sword chops into your shoulder. It just goes in a little bit, not that far, but it and the blade is stuck in your shoulder now.

The second baddie is going to run at Daryl. It is going to try to shoulder charge you with all the momentum it can muster, and it might as well have not done anything. It hits an unstoppable force that is Daryl Wilson and immediately gets knocked onto its knees. And it looks back up on you, takes out a dagger, and tries to stab at you, Daryl. Oh, God.

And it gets a 19. So that's going to be 16 damage. I'm going to use Stone's Endurance to reduce the damage dealt to me by 1d12 plus 3. That's a 12 plus 3. Whoa. So 15. Dude, you flexed your pecs so hard. No, no, no, no. She stabs into my forearm. I go, scar tissue, baseball injury, high school. Oh, my God. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

No feeling there. I haven't felt that. Can't really drive well either. My right hand's always like a little off, but you know, hey. Fucking can't feel his arm because of baseball, but doesn't like MMA. Okay. There's a difference between baseball and MMA. No, it's the exact same thing. As you say that cool, normal thing about baseball, you feel your legs begin to tingle. You feel your feet begin to vibrate and then you feel your feet magnetize to the ground.

And you cannot move Daryl. Okay. Oh, just Daryl. I'm just like locked. I mean, I'm like locked. She's like locked even harder on the ground. Yeah. So she's going to try to struggle out with disadvantage. She got a 17. So Daryl, why don't you roll a strength save to keep her down? And Jimmy, you can as well. Okay. Okay.

I gain advantage on strength checks. Jesus Christ. I got a 10 and a 12. Ooh. I got a 16. Plus two? Plus two, yeah. You barely beat her. She rears her head back and then boom! Bashes you in the face with her antler sterile and you get knocked to the side. She tries to kick up with the remaining two hooves, but

Jody, just too strong that Jody, maybe even stronger than Daryl. Uh-oh. Yeah, no, he works out. The seeds are planted. With her remaining action, she is going to speak into a communicator on her wrist. Oh, don't do that. And she is going to say, this is Elizabeth Warden. I need all guards down to cell level eight.

Minus one. Again, all cards down to cell level minus one. And that is her turn. So now it is your turn, Daryl. I'm not on top of her anymore. Like she kicked me so hard that one of my legs like swung around and like now I'm like standing up or something. I'm trying to figure out what I... Your legs are still there, but she punched you such that like you're now standing essentially. Okay, okay.

It's like those cartoons like Popeye when he gets uppercut. Exactly. Yeah. When you punch someone, you knock them prone. And if they're prone, when you punch them, it unknocks them back to being stood up. That's how it works. If you hit them hard enough, you give them HP back. There's two guards in here now, right? Yes. There are now two guards and there's an open door leading to a floor minus one. But you can't move, right? Because you're clamped to the ground. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm trying to. Unless you can somehow free yourself from the shoes. Oh, these are just slip-ons. Yeah.

My Vans, dog. Let me kick them off. I guess I just flopped down on top of her to try to grapple her again. I just...

Yeah, like the opposite of one of those punching bags. Like, I'm just always going back down. You're like a punching clown. The one that, yeah. But I just go, I don't think so. And I just bend at the waist and just put all my weight straight back down onto her. Yeah, I feel like you don't even really have to check for that because your legs are magnetized there. So, yeah, you just do that. She is once again double restrained. Not a great day for Elizabeth Warden. So I feel like I'm like almost like hugging her. I'm like whispering closer. I'm like, we just want our friend to stop this, please. All right. Give me a persuasion roll.

It's a six. Can I help? What a charmer. Go ahead and try to help. Give me something persuasive you can say. If you succeed your roll, Matt will get advantage. I don't want to pop your tires, miss. You better listen. Tell us how to get our friend out of here. What? Oh, no. Holding on to her legs. Like her tires. I get it. Oh, she might not know what. Oh, yeah. I guess she would know what tires are. They probably still have tires. Do they have tires? Is that a wooden wheel? Is that a tire? Is the wheel a thing? Let me hit my persuasion. I got it.

I got a 15 plus two. I got a 17 on my persuasion check. Anthony, you see my second roll? That's a 20 minus one. That's a 19. Great. Hearing somebody refer to tires only increases her confusion about the situation that she's in because she doesn't know what those are. So she looks into the eyes of Daryl and sees not Malice. They're tearing up. I want to say that way it is. I have little tears. I'm like crying. Because you broke your ankles by flopping over on her without moving your feet.

Don't want to kill people anymore. Just want Glenn back. You're the one that threatened death in the first place. She sees the earnestness in your eyes and she goes, well, what do you propose then? Uh, give him? Um, yeah. Um,

Oh, I don't really do the talking stuff too well. Yeah, give him back and we'll just leave without doing any more of this dumb stuff. Like, we just want out of here. She says, get off of me and we'll see where things go from there. Don't believe her. Well, she's in the zone of truth. Yeah, but that's not a lie. Are you going to not kill us after you get up? Too specific. Depends on how you behave when I get up.

We're going to behave good, right, everybody? Yes. Promise us that you're going to help us out. Absolutely. 100%. Call everyone off. Call the guards off. I'll try. I have pitched a no-hitter when it comes to keeping people inside my prison. I, too, have many baseball injuries. And I will be damned if in one day I'm going to lose... How many of y'all are there? Five people? If I'm going to lose five people in one day...

So you're going to have to come up with some sort of solution that allows Elizabeth Borden here to save face. Well, you know, I'm usually not a fan of dishonesty, which I am also compelled to say because I'm in the zone of truth, but it's also true. But I feel like in this instance, couldn't you like arrange a thing where, you know, maybe we say that because all of us attacked you, that we all go to the bad jail where everyone dies in the super prison, but we don't really go there. You just say we went there and then it's like all of us died in your prison, but really we got to leave and we snuck out. Like, what about that?

Why don't you roll persuasion? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Where is Glenn? What do you fucking need him? I got a four. She goes, nobody's going to believe that that cell could hold five people. That cell is exactly big enough for one person to have an interesting dramatic character arc down there. And I would be damned if anybody goes down there without changing in some personal way. And I don't think that's going to happen with all five of you. I refuse to believe it. Well, what if you're...

Sorry for interrupting. See, I'm a businessman, and sometimes we say the truth in different ways. Right now, I'm in the zone of truth, and so if you were to propose something like, we didn't lose five prisoners, we gained five former prisoners, that would be the truth, and you would look really good doing it, telling the truth. Ron, roll persuasion for me.

I got an eight. She says, y'all are in this prison because you're bad people, and I do not believe you're going to uphold your value. For all I know, you saved from the zone of truth. I have no reason to trust what you're saying. Guards, do what you got to do. Jodi, it is your turn. I'm just holding on to her legs, holding tight, and I just turn around, and in a desperate move, I say, what if we find you five replacements? Even worse people. It's going to be so satisfying when you have them in here because they're so much worse than us.

And we'll give you the rest of our money. What? I'm getting the rest of it? I...

All right. Roll persuasion with advantage because that's a very good deal. So I rolled an 18 plus two on my second roll. So that's a 20. She believes that you were telling the truth and that you would at least attempt to find five people worse than all of you. Worse than Glenn, though. I'm not sure he's bad. Yeah, Glenn, you have to find somebody who's one of the worst of the worst. And she's got a skeptical glint in her eye, but she's listening. As you see that glint in her eye, the guards stop trying to shove the two strong boys off. And one of them...

grabs Henry from behind is going to try to rather. So I'm going to go ahead and roll for that. Ooh, that's a 19 plus two. Okay. Oh no. They grab you in sort of a rear choke hold and put the blade to your throat. The other one is going to try to grab Ron and do the same.

That's an 18. Ron, why don't you roll a pose dexterity? You can do that as well, Henry. I got a 14. I got a 15. Everything is going wrong. Both Ron and Henry now have blades to their throats as the guards go, what do we do, Madam Walden? What do we do? And after they say that, you hear in the distance somewhere out on another part of floor negative one, you hear a loud slam and a rattle and you hear a familiar voice yell,

Glenn! Is that Glenn? Glenn? Glenn, we're in here! All right. You gonna let me stand up or you gonna let me stand up? I'm standing up now. You're not giving us any... Okay, here. So she's gonna try to maneuver herself out from underneath both of you. Are you going to keep trying to restrain her or are you gonna let her go? No, I'm gonna let her up. I'll let her up as well. Okay. So now she's standing on all four lovely hooves and she goes, all right, all right.

What's your plan to get these five people back? And obviously, you'd have to be on some sort of deadline. And I'd have to have some way of being sure that you wouldn't just take off and leave me up a creek without a paddle. Look, I'll be honest. I don't know five people we could give you. But Glenn's in here because he's a bad friend, which is pretty bad. We all acknowledge that's pretty bad, right? The four of us, our crime was trying to go save our friend, which, you know, I feel like that's definitely not the worst thing that could happen.

what if I could get you the worst criminal out there? Somebody so bad that not only did they steal our castle, not only does the entire world hate them, but they actually entered your prison and left. Oh,

Without any ability whatsoever. That's true. Oh, shit. What if we brought you somebody called Well Actually, who is perhaps the worst person in this entire kingdom? That's great. And he has a ton of our money. He has tons of money that he does not want to give to the poor or give to anybody. He does not support for-profit prisons, which I know you're a big fan of. Yeah, he's probably libertarian. I get that vibe off of him. I don't know that you guys are going to lie.

He sounds like one of those guys who says he's not into politics, but that just means he's a hardcore Republican who doesn't want to admit he sucks. He keeps talking about the Joe Rogan meat diet. Are you telling the truth, Daryl? Yeah, I'm telling the truth. Like, that's my idea. Oh, hell yeah. Then go ahead and roll persuasion with advantage. Okay, come on.

I got 14 as the highest. So she goes, sounds like you're talking about a pretty bad dude. I don't know if I fully believe that you could actually take this fool down. Like you couldn't even successfully sneak into my prison. It sounds like this person might have one up on you. What if I told you I could get him here right now? All you gotta do is slap the cuffs on him. Watch this. And I say, guys, my favorite monster is Frankenstein. What?

actually he's called Frankenstein's monster Frankenstein is the name of the duck what right so who wants to roll the attack on Will actually laughing

Well, who's next in turn? That was Will. Daryl's turn was trying to convince her of going to find Well Actually. Henry's turn was summoning Well Actually, but you didn't do an attack, so I feel like, yeah, go ahead, Henry. Henry casts Entangle on Well Actually. Okie dokie. And he has to make a strength saving throw of 17. I'm going to tell you right now, this guy is not strong. All right, he fails, and...

vines spread out from the ground. Actually, you describe how this captures him. So Henry just does, what's the finger tutting from the show you guys like, the OA? Yeah, he does the OA. He does the OA move, the movements. The movements and a whole tangle of vines sprout out from the ground and the ceiling and, you know, one of them grabs him tight by the fedora, which I imagine is like sealed to his head. The source of power. And then the other two wrap around his JNCO jeans and chain wallet and he's not going anywhere. Ha ha ha!

That's why he's so weak is his little neck has been trying to hold up that fedora the whole time. And like me, his head is a little bit too big for the rest of his body. So with the second you entangle him like that, you can feel within the vines, one of them rustle a little bit as his fedora dips just a little bit and he goes, mm, two shits. No way.

Henry says, nothing personal, kid. Oh, yeah. Bingo. All right, Ron, it is your turn. What to do except end an email with cheers. Let me think. So, like, how's Lizzie feeling about this? Is she is she on board or give me a perception check, Ron, or insight, whichever you want.

Shut up. I've had the worst fucking rule. I got 11. So you can at least tell that she can tell that this is not a friend of yours. She can tell that this is some third party, but she's not quite convinced that this person is all that dangerous. She definitely does recognize this as the person who said something to you last episode and disappeared with no explanation. So you may have to sweeten the deal with her a little bit. Convince her he's the worst person. Okay, let me think. Why don't you ask him how excited he is for the Snyder Cut?

LAUGHTER

So Elizabeth Warren turns to him and goes, so how excited are you for this night? And before the tea can leave her mouth, well, actually his ma just opens up, like his jaw just unhinges and his eyes roll back into his head. And he begins to say a series of things that you immediately recognize as human speech and potentially like sensical sentences, but go together in an order that is beyond your comprehension. Can I embody well actually briefly for this one? If you wish, yeah. Ahem.

Well, actually, in interviews going as far back as 2017, Zack Snyder spoke about shooting and storyboarding the film in a 1.85 aspect ratio, but post-firing, he said on Twitter to user Jabbalani that he had changed the aspect ratio to 1.66 to 1, and yet two months later, in an interview, he states that the ratio is in fact 1.43 to 1, i.e. the IMAX ratio, and that he had always intended to show the film in 1.43 to 1, yet additional material suggests a 1.33 ratio, including a shot from the sound mixing stage directly contravening years worth of previous statements,

While every artist deserves to have their work exhibited in a manner of their choosing, this cavalcade of complicated information does not bode well for a unified artistic vision throughout the entire process. I have to say that this is like such a brilliant characterization because like the fact that Will actually wouldn't actually be a Snyder fan and that he would go one step beyond and like, oh, poetry, poetry. So everybody...

Everybody takes 2d12 of psychic damage. Oh my god.

Oh, no. And then I'm going to have specifically Elizabeth Warden roll a wisdom saving throw to see if she falls unconscious. Darryl took nine. I was hoping Darryl would roll like two damage and just like actually like be pretty into it. I guess I got you 300, right? Right. That's a good movie. He did a new Batman. OK, I took 21 total damage. Oh, my mama mia. I got an 18. Jesus.

I got 16 damage. And Elizabeth Warden just looks at this guy and her eyes just begin to glaze over as he begins to get into the differences of whatever the hell Freddie was just saying. And she is like staggered backward and she is stunned for a turn just trying to deal with what's going on.

She's going to lose her next turn just trying to parse all the different things that that quote-unquote man just said to her. All right, Jodi, it is your turn. Is she in a state where we can question her? She's not going to respond for a turn, no. Okay, okay, so she's like zonked out. Yes. English holds no meaning for her for the next 30 seconds. It's a protective hibernation that we women go into. LAUGHTER

So Henry and Ron are currently knives to their throats, right? Yes. How did the Snyder rant affect the two guards? Oh, yeah. I guess they should roll as well. They're all big fans. They're not smart enough to fully understand all the things that were said. To understand Zack Snyder's incredible vision. His incredible vision and his black and white cinematography.

So they each take 24 damage. They take full damage, but they are not stunned. They still have their knives to your throat, but they definitely go, and they recoil from the violence of what was being said to them. I'm going to do the same thing, command again, but this time at the second level, so I'm going to do an additional target. Oh, cool. So I'm going to look at both of them. I'm going to yell, drop.

So you have to make a wisdom saving throw, 14. Both of them failed their wisdom saving throw, so they both immediately dropped to the ground. Jody's like those hypnotists that they like in high school. You know what I mean? They're just like, sleep. Or these are the Aikido doing hypnotists, right? Yeah, these are the Aikido hypnotists. You must have had a really cool day in high school one time. Jody trying to follow the police manual, but only remembering one word from each of the commands he's supposed to say. Okay, so those two dropped to the ground.

At that moment, a third guard

who you didn't even see coming, comes in through the main door. Oh my god, a raptor guard. And says, Madam Warden! Madam Warden! Glenn Close escaped through the front door! Somehow he opened all the locks! I don't understand! He's out! He's gone! And she snaps out of her zonk just long enough to go, Glenn's out! I don't care about these knuckleheads anymore. Everybody to the front gate! Glenn Close is leaving his meth babe correctional facility. Stupid fucking podcast. I hate it so much. Ha ha ha ha!

I'll guard to the front gate, but lay my previous order. And the two guards, I guess they crawl because you did tell them to drop and they have to honor what you said. They start hurriedly crawling out of the room past the guard who said this, who's still standing in the doorway. And Elizabeth Warden begins to gallop after them as well, actually struggles in his restraints. As Elizabeth Warden gallops out of the office, she says to the guard who came in, watch these ones while we go deal with Glenn. Watch these five guys who can kill you. And the guard goes, all right, ma'am. And

Elizabeth Wharton and the two guards rush up the staircase and you are now left alone in this room watched by one of these guards. Real quick, Ron can do voice impressions, right? Isn't that a Ron ability? Yeah, I can. Sorry. I can mimic anybody whose voice I've heard. I

think well you've heard her voice so why don't you just say in the intercom like sorry a doppelganger came in scheme likely he's here and he like impersonated me go catch him don't trust the one that's out there close is under control he's been found stand down but there's a doppelganger of me on the loose the communicators that you see are in the wrists of the people who work here so the only one that's near you is in the armor of the guard who's currently looking at you and

as you're maybe considering what to do, the guard puts its gauntlets up to its helmet and removes its helmet. And you see an unfamiliar face. You see what appears to be someone with graying hair with a big bandage over one eye, a beard that seems to have gotten longer. And it takes you a second to realize that this is a now 50 year old

Glenn Close. Oh my God. Shut up, D. What? Daryl tries to step to hug and since his feet are still locked down, he just falls flat on the floor. Glenn. Oh my God. Hey, everybody. How's it going? Were you guys trying to rescue me? Yeah, man. We're trying to bust you out. Oh my God. You're so old and cool and sexy now with that bad ass eye patch.

It's been a pretty wild time. Hey, what year is it? How long has it been? It's been days. It's been like a couple days, man. Yeah. It's been a long ass time for me. Who's this chode? It's me, Ron. No, no, not you.

I was saying, who's this Cho that I point over at Jody? Oh, gosh. Yeah, well, this is kind of complicated. Well, we'll explain everything once we get out of here. We got to get the kids, though. We got to get Nicholas and Payton. My kid's here? I nudge Daryl and go, did he say his kid? I mean, he's aged. Who knows what he remembers now? We're here to rescue you. You look old, man. Are you okay? You look like a piece of shit. Who's this asshole?

Jody's one of our friends, man. Maybe we should just talk about this later and get both of the kids and we'll get out of here together and then we can kind of touch base on everything else. That would kind of be my plan since this is kind of a hairy situation we're in right now. So Glenn is going to like shake it off a little bit with Jody and kind of give him a side eye and kind of be like, something's going on here, but...

Now is not the time to investigate. Hey, guys, I think I figured out where your weapons is. It's over in this other room here. Daryl, just hang on a second. We're going to go like unstick you. Oh, wait, before I go, Daryl, pushing too many pencils. And I go for a predator high five with my left arm. And I'm face first on the ground. So I kind of like, what are you doing? And I just put my hand up like behind me for a high five. Are you trying to high five me? Yeah, go ahead and do your role, Glenn. I roll two plus one. That's it.

What do you want me to say? It was a two plus one. You know, I trip a little bit on the way over. I'm like, ah, damn it. I've been waiting years to do this. Ah, balls, whatever. Come on. I'm just mad now. I'm just like storm. I'm like, come on, let's get your stuff, guys. Damn it. If you want, I can use your wrist to tell everybody to leave us alone forever. Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Here, and I take off the wrist gauntlet and I hand it over to Ron. So as Glenn takes off the left gauntlet, you can only see sort of his forearm and his fist, but-

He has the most insanely jacked just left arm you have seen on a human being. Oh my God. Okay. Just the left arm. Okay. Just that arm? I mean, you haven't seen the other arm, but like at the very least his left arm, you could tell it is choice. Glenn kind of chuckles and goes, I've been jerking it with this arm for years. That's not what he was doing. That's not what happened. I'm going to speak into the gauntlet.

Attention, the real Elizabeth Warren is here. Yes. Whoa! Oh, shit! A new challenger! What am I rolling? Performance. Okay. Or deception. Deception.

I rolled a three. I've literally not rolled above like a 12 in three episodes. This app is cursed. It's awful. I want to give advantage to Ron by going like, you got this, Ron. There was that bard energy. Yeah, in order to give her advantage, you'd have to do a check of your own. But considering it's persuasion, I don't think that's going to be a problem. So go ahead and persuade to convince Ron that things are fine. Four plus 14, 18. Yeah, that'll be fine. All right, now you get to roll again, Ron. All right, hot dice, hot dice. No whammy, no whammy.

Oh, wow. I got a five. Oh, my God. Like, I'm so fucking livid. I could fucking eat a billionaire. I could fucking pull Elizabeth Warren, eat a fucking billionaire all by myself, fit him in a Lunchable. Fuck you, D&D Beyond. That's just playing over the intercom. All those things you need to eat a billionaire. Yes.

You hear Elizabeth Warren's voice going, okay, so I have to set a couple of you that were going up to the top, head back down, because apparently they beat the crap out of that guard that was down there and they're trying to do bad impressions of my voice. Attention, I was not doing bad impressions of her voice. I was trying to do a more realistic impression of the actual Elizabeth Warren. Sometimes impressions aren't about doing it accurate and it's more about what feels right. Attention, I actually said that on the last Talking Dads. Attention, I learn from the best. Okay.

Okay, so you'll have like a couple of turns before some more guards come down, but they know that something is awry in level negative one. So what do you want to do while that's happening? Ah, cripes. We got to get out of here, guys. We need to get Daryl off the floor. We need to get the kids and beat it. We got to cheese it. Hang tight, folks. I'm going to run over to the other room, unmagnetize everybody. Ooh. In the entire prison. So you hear a click first from Daryl in the other room, and Daryl, your legs demagnetize. And then echoing through the panopticon above you, you hear click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, as a bunch of these. You're like, um...

Now, I can't think of a scene where somebody just like flipping a bunch of switches really hurriedly. It's very sexy. You hear click, click, boom. Am I right? Anyone fans? Was that band saliva? That song? Click, click, boom.

So you hear a lot of commotion upstairs now and you hear one of the guys go, oh, the face-off boots, they're malfunctioning. Ron, mind if I get my gauntlet back real quick? Oh, yeah, sure. Let me just say this into the thing really quick. Mr. Hammond, I think we're back in business.

Wow. I look at Glenn and go, Glenn, what did you just do? Hold on one second. I need to address my people. Oh, no. And then I'm going to go sing into, I'm going to give bardic inspiration to an entire prison. Oh, my God. Of people. That's cool.

You know what you have to sing, right? What's that? That they're ready for the big ride. Oh, yeah. I go. So echoing through the halls of prison, you hear, I'm ready, ready for the big ride, baby.

And you can feel the electricity humming through the prison as every single convict, whether or not they've seen face off, understands the energy of what you're saying and the desire to be ready. They're all ready. For the big ride, comma, baby. And the big ride in this case is we're going big or we're going home in the sense of we are leaving the prison. So you have now triggered a full scale riot in the meth bay correctional facility. Oh, God.

You know, gosh, I just had an idea. Stairwell wit. What can I say? You know, we probably should have kept everyone's boots on, but then turned off Nick and paid in so that they could get out without having to go through a prison riot.

Oh, we gotta go save our kids though, that's for sure. We gotta get out of here and save them now. Okay, let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on, Glenn. Hold on, wait, before you guys go, let me try this again. I'm gonna roll to try and break this window by the, uh... Okay, so there's a door in the same room as all these switches that demagnetized all the booths that has a little window in the frame of the door and you can see through the window there's a bunch of weapons, there's a bunch of items, basically all of your stuff.

Seven plus one, eight. Glenn hits it again. You see another dent in it as he again fails to break it. I'm going to go up to it and just with a covered elbow, just bang into it really hard. Go ahead. Give me an attack or a strength check or whatever you want. Strength. Oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph.

16. Shatters. Shatters instantly and masculinely. I flex a little hard. There's a ripple. There's an actual ripple. You can easily reach through and grab the doorknob. Glenn tries to roll persuasion, but it's only because I loosened it up for him first. Oh!

2 plus 14, 16. Darryl believes him. Darryl believes Glenn. Ron wasn't even looking when Jody did it. Glenn, good job with that window. While Jody is sitting there with his elbow through the window. I'm just like, what?

Henry rolled a perception 23 and knows that Glenn is lying, but chooses to let the poor guy off and not say anything. Come on, guys, get your stuff. We got to get our kids and get out of here. Hey, Jody, this is our really cool friend, Glenn.

Yep. Glenn, this is Jody. Jody, you wrench open the door from the inside. The door is open. All of your stuff is available to you. The boots are deactivated. You can also take them off so you can just get back into your normal ass gear now. Okay, cool. There's a hot, steamy clothes changing scene of just a bunch of dudes. Oh my God, yes. Just guys being dudes. Just helping clothe each other. I'm going to stay in the armor. Okay, that makes sense. You probably want to keep your stuff with you in a bag or something just in case you want to change it later. Beautiful.

quarantine had me have a genuine sad reaction when I realized that Freddy's fictional ripped armed character was going to kick his clothes on. What the fuck?

So as you do that as you hear the sounds of a riot in full effect above you you can even in the very distance here a familiar voice like Oh boy

As all that's happening, as the cacophony dawns on you, and as you look into the eyes of Jody, you hear Jody's cell phone ring in his pocket. I grab the stuff, and there's only one person that would be calling me. Who? Who the fuck? This is the only person in my phone outside of my child. So I immediately drop the bag, and I take my phone out, and I flip it open. And you see the name of your wife, Morgan Freeman. What the fuck? Yo, what? What?

It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life, even if you die, it'll be alright. It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life, all you do is try, it'll be alright.

Check it out.

Also, it's time to check out these Patreon shoutouts. Big ups to John W, Hashtag Go, Beth Anderson, Victoria O, Matthew Howard, Creed and Eve, Just Some Guy, that's the name, not just some guy, Kyler Lee, Shane DeMoss, Andy Rue, Shane Doyle, Kelly Williams, Andrew, Stephanie Thompson, Ellen,

Stephanie Olmsted, Carson Kelleher, and Gabriel Nyland. Our Patreon is at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. The Star Wars miniseries, Gungans and Daddies, all that jizz is imminent. And while you wait, something that's available to everybody at every level are episode live listens. You can react in our Discord alongside us and listen along live with a bunch of other people. I have to say it's one of the most fun experiences you can have listening to a podcast is seeing everyone's reactions as the episode goes. And if you're interested in listening to a podcast,

It's something we started doing partway through last year. It's easily a highlight of our weeks as the people who make this dang thing. So head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Take a look at the tiers on offer. See if anything feels too fancy. And hopefully we'll see you on the next live listen. Check out our merch at bit.ly slash dadmerch, all caps. Follow us on Twitter, dungeonsanddads. Reddit.com slash r slash dungeonsanddaddies. Thank you so much for listening. Next episode is going to be March 9th, Tuesday. It's always going to be a Tuesday. Sorry, I messed up this one. So we will see you then.

I'm going to walk up to Elizabeth Warden and kneel down next to her and just say, surrender. Whoa. All right, she is going to make a wisdom saving throw. I'm going to warn you, if there's anything that the primaries taught us, it's that neither she nor Bernie were willing to do that. Yes! So topical! Pump it in my veins!

Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, Summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh, my God. Okay, so, like, you know in Dune they have the Box of Pain? Yeah. That's, like, the opposite.

of the box of awesome. I put my hand in and what do I get? You get pleasure. Whether you want to drink or eat more awesome, dress and travel more awesome, or explore more awesome, the box of awesome has it covered. Go to boxofawesome.com. Take that quiz. Your answers help them pick the right box of awesome for you. Free to join. New items every month. The only quiz you can't fail. Matt!

What's your favorite post, dude? Hey, can I tell you about the one I just got, bro? I just got a whiskey nosing kit. It's like you could burn stuff and get your nose up to date with whiskey, dude. I didn't just get a fucking gift. I got an opportunity. That's what they gave me. That's what they fucking gave me. They gave me the reason, finally a fucking reason to buy two

fucking watches because I got, check this out, I got a little drawer that's got two little poles on it to hold watches and then an acrylic cover to protect those watches. The mahogany. And I got it. I was like, this is the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't have watches, but I need watches. Was it in black or mahogany, bro? It was, it was,

It was mahogany. You got the mahogany drop. And that fucking decided what sort of watches I bought. And I don't want to say how much I spent on watches, but it was thousands. But it was fucking worth it to make this beautiful case. The display case, dude. You can't have that case and not let it fucking do what it was born to do. You can't let that beautiful fucking piece of boutique furniture just sit there on your fucking counter without watches on it. My God.

It's incredible. I don't think I'll ever wear those watches, but I'm looking at them every day. When you become a member, you have access to stellar discounts across a plethora of products. We're talking about 30% off or more sometimes. Plus, with each Box of Awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your Box of Awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand. Free to sign up, skip a month, or cancel any time. Get 15% off your first box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code DUNGEONS at checkout. That's BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS for 15% off your first box. BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS.

Dungeons and Dimes is brought to you this week by Blue Nile. Blue Nile. You saw me standing alone. Blue Nile. Dulcet tones over there. The road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories or can be short and thrilling or anything in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring, straightforward path. As the Nazgul flies. Doesn't...

All you got to do is head over to BlueNile.com. On BlueNile.com, you can get a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile's the original online jeweler since 1999. Dog since Pets.com, dude. The Pets era. Since the Pets.com era. But they survived because they were committed to ensuring. You know why? Because Blue Nile wasn't out there posting up Super Bowl ads, burning through all their liquid capital. They're too busy ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry.

Their diamond price guarantee means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. And in most cases it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns so you can make sure your ring is the one ring. Here's how you know they're killers over at Blue Niles.

They started in 1999, one of the greatest years in video game history of all time. And they were able to focus and make a company while games like Heroes of Might and Magic 3, System Shock 2, Final Fantasy 8, Age of Empires Dose, dude. All these games were coming out and they were still made. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Beth...

It was coming out that year. Okay, now I'm interested. Because you want that love to last forever. Unlike video games, you get guaranteed service. Like my love of EverQuest and Driver. And Repair. Which came out in 1999. For life. The greatest year of my life. Right now, get 30% off select lab-grown diamonds at BlueNile.com. Plus, use code DUNGEONS to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code DUNGEONS at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Planescape Torment. That game rules.

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details.