Ep. 48 - Carry On My Wayward Son
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. I don't know why adventuring groups don't hire like a second healer. I just feel like it would solve a lot of the arguments that we've been hearing.

Welcome to You're Wrong About, the podcast where the fantasies are real, but your memories are not. Ooh, very prescient to today's topic. Hi, I'm Sarah Marshland, and I'm writing a book about the owlbear scare. I'm Michael Hobbit. I work at the Huffington Post, which is a large wooden pole in the ground that keeps a dragon named Huffington tethered.

So today is part three into our deep dive on the Glenn Close trial. But before we get to that, I just wanted to point out, I was looking through some transcripts and it turns out that one of the big pieces of contention in the trial, whether or not Glenn was okay with his son smoking pot, is actually inaccurate. So to debunk it, if you actually go back to the very first episode, it's kind of clear that Nick doesn't actually know how to smoke pot and Glenn is trying to stop him.

which is the opposite of what is conveyed in the trial. Well, Glenn didn't really dissuade the idea of Nick smoking pot, so it's kind of his own fault there. Why don't you tell me what you know about the jury selection process for this trial? Okay, I know a lot about this, actually, is that...

There were 13. I think that the deliberations themselves took two weeks. Very intense deliberating on this case. Right, yeah. It was completely anonymous. Nobody knew who they were. So with all that table setting out of the way, do you want to talk about the verdict? Yes, please. ♪♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, actually a thrilling courtroom drama D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong, and I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bar dad, and today is the day Glenn Close learns his fate. If you had the chance to close your fate, would you? Ha ha ha!

This is not Glenn's first run in with the court system. So he was touring around outside of Modesto, one of the outdoor malls in Modesto. He met a guy who was like, hey, I like your Christmas music. It's kind of funny. We look like each other. And then Glenn was like, perfect. So this guy who he nicknames the Sandman. So Glenn and the Sandman.

So here's how a scam with the Sandman works. Because Glenn and the Sandman bear a somewhat close resemblance, they both agree to be contacts for each other in case any one of them ever runs a red light and then they get a picture taken of them. Glenn goes into court and protests the charge and says, I wasn't driving that van. That's my friend when I lent it to him. That's the Sandman driving. And he shows the picture of the Sandman and it's enough reasonable doubt

that it's not him that he doesn't get the ticket. Doesn't the Sandman then have to get the ticket? They don't just know. Forget that. Well, someone else broke the law. We'll forget about it. No, literally. And you can do that. I've never done this, but I did this for somebody else because I told them about it. But like you were the Sandman. I was the Sandman. If you get a ticket at a red light camera and you go online and you see the picture, at least in Arizona, you could literally just check off. I am not the person driving. Yeah.

and like you're out of it basically. Yeah, they're not going to go investigate. They're not going to go find the Sandman for 50 minutes. I think there was even an option that like I do not know the person who's driving or something like this. This is how fucking square I am that I was like, no, like the CSI crime lab would clearly be on your case. Enhance.

Enhance. What about the polygraph? Wouldn't they, you know, do a facial scan or something like that, Freddie? Wow. Yeah. All right. Well, hi, everybody. Hi, everybody. I'm Daryl Wilson. I'm a stay-at-home coach dad. You're Daryl Wilson? You're Daryl Wilson? Damn. What did I say? Are you going method on us? Whoa. What happened? Is Daryl joining the podcast? I'm Daryl Wilson. Hi, everybody. Hey, everybody. This is Daryl Wilson. Matt's not here today, but you know me. I'm the fictional character who's a

Stay at home coach dad who became Jesus Christ. Let's start this over. Hi, everybody. I'm Matthew Arnold. Who became Jesus Christ? Hey, this is our Christmas episode after all. Hey, everybody. This is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson. I'm a stay at home coach dad who becomes a barbarian when he enters. You're a stay at home coach dad?

He became a barbarian when he enters the forgotten realm. So, unfortunately, I kind of got through my five senses. That was a good ten weeks of easy dad facts. Yeah, that was a good grift. I wanted to reward the audience for that bullshit of five senses by giving them a good dad fact that was also educational. And the fact is that we do actually have two other senses, vestibular and proprioceptive, which are six and seven senses. And I'm going to talk about what are Daryl's favorite and least favorite versions of those senses. All right, game on. So, yes, there are other senses. Oh, God.

I'm so down to learn. This is like fucking 99% invisible over here. I'm on radio lab. This is some good shit. So the vestibular sense is the sense of... It's the sense of... Well, it would happen during sex. It's essentially your inner ear senses. It's how we feel acceleration. It's how we feel balance. Vertigo. So that is a sense. I guess it depends on what you're doing during sex. Yes. So Daryl's favorite vestibular sense is the feeling that the beast gives him when he accelerates. So he'll never feel that again. The minivan gave him the precise feeling. Well, don't never say never. Never.

Odyssey song could still be out there. I just want to throw this out there. Have it owning the analog of Odyssey song. That's a zero to 60 and like 14.2 seconds. It's like such a slow acceleration feeling of your son being safe in the backseat is what it is. So it's the best feeling for Daryl. Freddie, do you really fucking think that Daryl did not put a Hemi in that bad boy? That thing's probably Hemi'd up, dude.

I'll tell you the real feeling that Daryl probably reacts is the feeling of knowing there's six cup holders within arm's reach of the driver's seat in a Honda Odyssey. That's a real feeling. Liquefied Charleston shoes. Freddie, you just got the seven cents, but I'll get there in a second. I can't believe you called this out.

So his least favorite version of it is he just hates getting dizzy. He can't stand any sort of dizzy rides. The teacups at Disneyland are his least favorite. So that would be vestibular. He hates the feeling of vertigo. I bet you Daryl yarfed in a teacup once and ruined Disneyland. He yarfs all the time. So the seventh sense proprioceptive is essentially you. It's sex. Yes, it's also sex.

Beth, I think most senses, you feel all seven senses when you're having sex. I wouldn't know. We've been in quarantine for years now. Please, somebody vestibular me. I'm done. Okay, go ahead.

Proprioceptive is essentially how you know where you are in 3D space. So like if you close your eyes, you can know where your hand is. It's the feeling of your muscles. So your muscles, you know where your muscles are bent because of senses in your muscles. So Daryl's favorite proprioceptive is every time he grabs his big gulp from the center console without looking.

It's like that perfect pure instinct. It's the pure instinct, the muscle memory of knowing every aspect of his heart. It's like he and the car have become one. He can feel the curves of the car, the muscles of the car, and his muscles are united in a symphony. And his least favorite is he can't type without looking because he has big sausage fingers. So it's not really a proprioceptive thing, but he can't type without looking, and he blames it on his muscle memory. But it's just because he's got two big fingers. Got it.

Got big sausage. What about those little bumps on the F and J key? Doesn't he hone himself on those? He just doesn't. He just hates. He's got to look. He's one of those digit typers. His fingers have an area of effect damage. How's Daryl's texting game? That must be brutal on a phone. He doesn't text. He calls. He calls his son. Yeah, he calls. He's like,

He never responds. God, yeah. Daryl, don't text. There are no texts from Daryl on either Carol's or Grant's phone. It's always a text and then it's a callback. A lot of voicemails. A lot of un-listened to voicemails. It's a lot of, hey, son, give me a call. Every single time Grant answers the phone, he's like, is it an emergency? No, I just want to talk. You asked me how I was doing. Oh, my God. My heart skipped a beat.

So like the idea of throwing your clothes out is like anathema to him.

It was very traumatizing when he came to our world and he was wandering around the forest naked for a couple of days. Like when he got his clothes in our world, it was a big deal. So the first T-shirt he ever got, which he still has, is one that Mercedes O. Garcia's brother, Ricky, sells T-shirts. He's like an online vendor and he has a T-shirt. You're dropping a character as important as Ricky just out of nowhere in the middle of a dad fact?

This is some serious. We got to update the Wikipedia right now. All right. My mind's blown. We got Ricky. Ricky Garcia. So Ricky sells t-shirts online and he has a t-shirt that says vegans give a cluck because it's supposed to be like vegans don't eat animals so that the shirt didn't make sense. So he didn't sell a lot of them. So that was his first shirt. It said vegans give a cluck. And once he learned what a vegan was, he was like, oh, that's what I am. I give a cluck. So that's his shirt. It's his favorite shirt. He became vegan off of a random t-shirt he got?

No, he's so gullible. That's how good this t-shirt was. He was like, sold. God, it could have been any shirt. He already didn't eat animals, but this spoke to him. He's like, this shirt is like how I will choose to express myself to the world. It spoke? It actually talked to him? Hey! This is what it feels like when Will isn't dropping math while he's doing stats. It's not funny when you do it, Matthew. It's funny when I do it to you. Will, I have a question. I have a question. Yes, go ahead. When someone sees Henry wearing this shirt and they're like, sorry, can you explain your shirt? I don't understand what that means. How does Henry explain it?

Well, he says that it's supposed to be like that vegans care and it's a fight. He just is very literal and obvious about it because he's like, you know, it's like it's a fun play on like a naughty word. But a cluck is the sound of chicken makes and like vegans care about chickens. So, you know, vegans give a cluck. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week.

I don't know. Growing up, did any of you, your parents have like laws that weren't actual laws, but they told you that were laws because they didn't want you to do things? My mom told me that it was illegal in California to stand in front of the microwave. What? And, you know, in hindsight, I'm like, well, probably wasn't.

You'll go to hell if you masturbate. Does that count? And I think my mom also had one, like you can't have any screens in the car. So she didn't like, cause I was like asking for like a portable DVD player or something. My parents said that like the lights has to be off. Cause like,

cops will pull you over here. Like interior lights are on. Oh yeah. That's actually, I think that's probably true though. Maybe. No, I don't know. You get your friend Sandman to say that he turned the lights on. Well, so wrapping this into my dad fact is I think that Ron has his own series of, uh,

In context, pretty sad laws that he doesn't know aren't actually laws. Like it's illegal to look in your dad's briefcase. It's illegal to ask your dad where he's going. This is so sad. I know. Maybe it's too dark, but that's just what I was thinking of.

When I was really young, my mom tried to convince me that you literally can't have sex until you're married. It's impossible. You don't want to embarrass yourself, honey. It just doesn't happen. Is that not true? No. You know, when I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see a marching band. He said someday when you grow up, you'll be the savior of, I don't remember the rest of it. All the cool people who listen to this podcast got that joke. All right, let's move on. Welcome to the dad parade, ladies and gentlemen.

Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm a non-fictional character on Dungeons and Daddies. So Glenn is on trial for some crimes that he did, and I feel like it's a little bit hypocritical of me to put it that way. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Some crimes he was alleged to do, Anthony. Sorry, I'm going to interrupt you, but be careful. Well, this is the program, Riles. You might be guilty until proven innocent here. Yeah, so Glenn's on trial for some crimes he may or may not have committed, and I feel like there's... Freddie's not on trial on Twitter. Sorry. Ha, ha, ha.

And I felt like it was a little bit unfair to do that without, like, who am I to stand in judgment of Glenn? So I wanted to make a confession, which is that when I was, I believe, 15 or 16 in the year 2004 or 2005, my favorite television show was on.

entourage and oh yeah i'm sorry and then eventually i grew up i was like oh this is just porn for douchebags this is porn for awful people this isn't anything but it just reminded me because mad had mentioned he hated every character on that show wanted them to immediately go down i'll be honest i know i'm not gonna let you stand out there for no reason i definitely in college i watched some of entourage and i'd say no i think everybody liked entourage the first season or two and then over time we were like you know what this isn't good because it was an incredibly popular show

And I got out of it probably about like season two or season three. And now it's unwatchable. But every man starts to hate Entourage the moment he realizes he won't be as successful as the people in Entourage. This show sucks. It's just resentment. It's for toxic dude bros. I mean, no, it does suck though. Dang, that was brave though, Anthony. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, no, I'm very selfless.

To summarize briefly, the last two episodes have seen the trial of Glenn Close, which takes place in Meth Bay, the judge, Honorable Judge Bill Close presiding. At the end of the last episode, everybody had finished their closing arguments and it was up to the jury to decide.

And the jury was in real life made up of 13 jurors from our official discord. They were all given email invitations to a private discord, were asked to anonymize their names. So all they went by was juror and their number. And for the last two weeks, they have been debating the individual arguments put forth by the prosecution and the defense, as well as the two overall charges. Glenn is a bad person and Glenn is a bad dad.

and they came together and made some votes on the individual arguments. After the previous episode, you all went back to the Meth Bay Supermax. You tried to sleep, and... Hey, um, Payden, can I just... Quick, I just have a question for you, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So... Hey, Glenn, what are you going to say to Payden? Oh, right, right. Sorry, Daryl. Yeah, you know what? You can come in on this one, too. Okay, okay. Yeah, team huddle. I was just...

I was just trying to get like... Hey, what's up, guys? You guys all having a team huddle? Am I missing something? Come on in, man. Yeah, come on in. Ron, you too. You might as well get over here. Guys, I'm in the bathroom. You can't talk to me while I'm in the bathroom.

Ron, there's no door. We can see you. Just, you know, it's fine. I just need a couple more minutes. You've been down there all day. Can I roll perception? I want to see where Ron is going to the bathroom in the cell that has no bathroom. It definitely has a bathroom. It probably has a toilet. But Ron is like side saddling it like a Victorian with his legs crossed. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I definitely knew there was a bathroom.

Oh, no. Daryl, there's a bathroom. You know, where have you been? No, I know there's a bathroom. I was making a joke about Ron not knowing where the bathroom is. I know there's a bathroom. Oh, baby boy. Oh, baby boy. Did you do a boom boom in the corner? Oh, no. Am I going to have to clean you up? No, definitely not. Payton, I think Glenn wanted to talk to you. Yeah, no, I know. He's talking to all of us now. Yeah, I guess so. And Ron, you can listen in and throw in your two cents from the can over there. Join in, I guess, when you're good and ready. I just had a question for you guys. Nick said...

He said that he liked minions. He's never told me that. Has your kids ever hid something from you guys? And Peyton, I wanted to ask you, you wouldn't hide something from your best friend, right? I'm just trying to wrap my head around it all. That's all. I don't know what to make of it. I hide things from people all the time. Really, Peyton? Oh, yeah. In the Orphan Fighting League, some of the things that I had to do, I don't like to think about them. I wouldn't want you to think differently about me if I had to tell you about them.

Well, but like Nick likes minions and I kind of do think differently about him, especially the fact that he didn't tell you. After that entire trial tonight, you were going to ask the one child of this group about your son liking minions. That's well, he's the one real dad in this group, I guess. Well, what is that? Excuse me, sir. We're all dads over here. From the next cell over, you hear the bird girl go like, hey, you're all dads. What are you shouting at each other about that for? I don't mean the shit on your guys' dad skills.

It's just that Peyton's already gone through the whole thing once, and I don't know, maybe he's tapped into, like, previous life dad energy or something, you know? I don't know. Glenn, not to be a backseat therapist over here, but maybe the reason you like confiding in Peyton is because Peyton's a child, and he's, you know, he's going to give you an answer that's not really going to challenge your worldview all that much. Peyton tried to, like, slice my Achilles tendon, so I kind of know that he'll give it to me straight. I succeeded. I tried nonsense. I succeeded. Well, Glenn, you know, I unfortunately can't relate much to your issue because Lark and Sparrow are usually pretty proud of the stuff that they do that bothers me, so...

Sometimes your kids are going to, they're different people and they're, they're beautiful that way. If Nick was this exact same as you, that'd be boring. You know, he's special. Do you want, do you wish Nick was just a clone of you? Like that's not. No, no, no. I'm not saying that. It's just that like, I feel like we're bros. We can like talk about anything. And so for him to like, Oh yeah. What's up, Ron? You done over there? You got a flusher. Let me think. I don't know how to ask this, but, uh, do you have any toilet paper?

No, no, I don't. Go on then. Yeah, no, I'm good.

Ron's gonna be like, I'm just gonna let this dry out. That'll be good. The only option. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Hold on, Ron. Let me think hard on what kind of spells I have. Maybe I can... We're not gonna be in this prison anymore. You can probably just use the sheet and I just pull off the sheet and I just... That's optimistic. Listen, I feel like Glenn was trying to say something important. So maybe handle that and then I'll see where I'm at. All right, but I did throw you a bed sheet.

Thanks. You're welcome. So, Glenn, you're not upset that he likes minions. You're upset that he didn't tell you he liked minions. I guess so. Yeah. How does that make you feel? And then Daryl looks at Henry like nodding like, hey, it's.

am I doing good? Henry gives Daryl like a real thumbs up. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Henry thinks that Daryl and Henry are being so fucking subtle about how they're getting into Glenn's feelings, right? I was like, nice. What are you doing the okay and the thumbs up for between you guys? What are you guys being all cool about? I don't understand. I'm just really excited about Ron getting his toilet paper. Oh, okay. Oh, weird. I mean, all right.

Real quick, just some of my mental pictures, right? Is there just like one bed in the cell and we've all been sharing it? So he's given the sheets for the... It's like one super large bed that we've all just been like... Yes, we're like the grandparents in the Willy Wonka movie. Yes. Okay, good. Just making sure. I don't know. It's just weird to me that he never brought it up before. I guess it makes me feel...

I guess it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. Or I don't know, I guess something like that. Well, I mean... Hey, give it to me straight, all you guys. Answer at the same time. Payton, all the dads, just at the same time. What do you think the verdict tomorrow is going to be? On the first count, am I a good person? Three, two, one, go. Guilty. Are you asking if I think you're a good person or if they're going to think you're a good person? The next morning...

Nice. Yes. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. So the next morning, you're all dragged back into the courthouse and at the judge's dais, instead of Bill Close, you see a gelatinous green cube sitting in the chair. The cube upon all of you lining up begins to react. He begins to shiver and then it stretches itself vertically up to the height of a man at sitting position.

And slowly within the cube, you see a little light from a stone at the center of it begin to glow bright. And then an image projects outward from the light onto the sheen surface of the cube, like project. Oh, this is just like how they do Midway Mania. Yes, it is exactly how they do Midway Mania. Before you can see the image, you hear a voice that is familiar to all of you. Unfortunately to Ron, most of all, you hear the voice of Willie Stample going, all right, time to get started.

Ooh, this is the fun part. I whisper like, I was hoping it was going to be Buzz Lightyear.

So Willie Sampler, the image of him appears on this gelatinous cube and he goes, you ready to hear the very it's going to be fun. Hi, Darrell Wilson. You know me, sir. I do. Can I ask a quick question? I'm one of the lawyers, third chair, not the most important, but I just have a quick question for my client. Darrell, it's Willie. He's a mean guy. You don't have to be so nice. I know, but I did poorly last time with getting all mad at the judge. I'm just trying to play it cool. You know, I like you when you're scared. I didn't think I would ever like you, but I'm liking this version of you.

I just want to know so that we can prepare for, you know, all the things that will happen after. If he's found innocent, I can kind of assume what happens. If he's found guilty, what is the process? What's going to happen next? I'm actually so glad you asked. I was about to explain that, but I'm liking this new Daryl. And then Eileen is like, guys, I just want to- Shut up. I'm talking. So what's going to happen if you're found innocent? You get to leave. Sure.

Sure, no problem. Whatever. If you're found guilty, then you get a choice of two possible punishments. I can describe those now or I can describe those later. What would you prefer? Guys, what do you want to do? I'm just trying to get as much information as possible. Go ahead and tell. We don't give a shit. We're not going to sit still for your punishments, you big old jerk. You really think you can get out of this? This is a mwah.

Chef kiss. So the two possible punishments are one, death, obviously. And the second is life imprisonment and you lose Nick as your son. He's no longer your son anymore. Whoa. That's not possible, sir. That's not, yeah, right. I mean, how is that a thing? Is he a stepson? Oh, Bill never explained. Oh, this is, oh, happy birthday to me. That gavel that Bill's been using, that's infuriating.

fused with the chaotic primordial force of law itself. So when he could slam it down and summon people, that's not because he knew a spell to do that. It's just because the gavel had the power to do that. And so when it comes time to punish, it has the power to just immediately make that punishment happen. So in the case of you losing custody of your son, I'll just slam this gavel. I guess I'll make Bill slam the gavel and

immediately your son will forget that he was ever your son and a new father for him will appear right next to him and your son will love him and he won't know who the fuck you are. If you choose death, we're going to have a nice public execution. My friend Radiolab here is going to take you out into the front and he's going to burn you alive. The big gold dragon, the bailiff. His name is Raymond Dio Labatt. That was a long running joke that I thought was going to get paid off here when he was going to run a meth lab. And we'd be like, this is my radio lab. But it

It didn't work out that way, but just so you know, his name was always supposed to be Radiolab. The whole time? The whole time. You can go back to the very first time I introduced him. I said his name is Raymond D.O. Labatt, Radiolab for short. Okay, just wondering, just sort of a question, where is the gavel? Good one, Ron. I don't know how many times. Shut up!

I don't know how many times I have to tell you. Where is the gavel? Don't say it, Ron. Don't say it. Thank you. I can't. Well, I mean. The gavel's with Bill. I didn't think that he necessarily had the cojones to make the judgment if it came down to it. He was around for this part, so he's cooling his heels right now. Do you want to hear what the verdicts are? I don't know. Are you going to shout at us again? If you interrupt me, yeah. Well, I don't appreciate being shouted at, sir. Henry, that was so cool. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Listen, buddy, I want to say one thing, Darrell. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just go ahead. And this is your whole thing because you're a big old jerk. But I just want you to know that we're not scared of you. And even if you wind up doing a bunch of shitty stuff to us, I'm still not scared of you. We're still not scared of you. And you're a big jerk. And that's all I want to say. The prosecution rests. That's all I got. But, yeah, let's go ahead and do this. No matter what happens, Glenn's getting his son back. If he's innocent, I have a question for you. Do you want us to kill you?

Or do you want us to let, or are you going to let us, or are you going to apologize to Ron before we kill you? Those are the only two questions I have. Do you want to try that again? Oh my God, I'm still going to kill you when this is all over. Okay. Yeah. I'm very excited to watch you try. Darryl, give him the speech from Take It.

I don't... Hit him with the speech. The skill speech. Guys, I think that maybe we should just cool our jets, so to speak, and then just we'll all decide it after the verdict has been... verd. For once, Ron is the voice of reason. Daryl just leans over to Glenn really quick and he says...

Hey, Glenn, I know you were asking last night. I just want to let you know that I think you've tried really hard since we've gotten here to be a good dad. And whatever happens, we're here for you till the end. And we will get Nick back and we will get you back. We're not giving up on you. So I put my hand on your shoulder. I say, we got this. And I'm nodding my head. And while I'm nodding my head, I'm finger tutting to Peyton the message. If shit goes bad, cause a scene.

Everywhere I go, I cause a scene. He says a lot. Ron looks at Willie and then looks back to Glenn and whispers, if the verdict depends on sort of comparison, like, are you a bad dad compared to some other dads? I think that you're going to be innocent for sure. I don't think it is, Ron. Okay. That's bad news, but I'm...

Shit, buddy. Oh, shit. Okay. So are you ready for me to call the jury in?

Let's do it. Let's do it. Glenn kicks his heels up and is cool as a cucumber, except he's sweating a little bit. Jurors! And the door swings open, and 13 extremely attractive, nice, extremely cool, cool, keep going, keep going, keep going, just very generous with their time and the amount of investment that they put into this completely voluntary jury process that's not real and means nothing. So smart. So the jury comes out. The Gelatus Cube of Willy reaches under the dais and pulls out a bunch of dice that

All right.

So now I want you all to find the file that I just sent you. Yeah, I have it. So it's called Verdict. I'm so fucking nervous. So one by one, the jurors, each of whom is holding a piece of paper with a particular charge and a particular verdict for that charge on it, one by one, they stand up and they clear their throats to read aloud the charges levied against Glenn Close and their verdict. In the trial of the people of Faerun versus Glenn Close, we, the jury, find the argument Glenn Close committed second degree murder. D12.

Invalid. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. D6. Yes! D6. Ooh! D10.

Valid. Yeah, that's valid. Yeah, we've seen that one coming. We the jury find the argument Glenn allowed his son to steal the Honda Odyssey. D6. Valid. We the jury find the argument. ASMR jury. Glenn compliments others, which is evidence of a good person. D4. D4.

Invalid. What? What? Damn, that was the foundation of our case. D1. Invalid. What? These are not parents. D4.

Valid. That's valid but not reading good parenting books? Are you kidding me? We, the jury, find the argument Glenn gave Nick a knife. D2. Invalid. Nice. We, the jury, find the argument Glenn loves Nick and would die for him. D12.

Oh, man. We, the jury, find the argument Glenn bets on child fights. D12. Valid. Glenn goes like, hell yeah, I do. And I'll do it again. Glenn, shh. We, the jury, find the argument close means family. D1. Invalid. Damn.

Sorry, Ron. It was a good one. We, the jury, find the argument. Glenn asked Nick to buy him a $500 drone. D4. Invalid. Invalid. Is that for us or them? I can't tell. It's good for us. We, the jury, find the argument. Glenn is a cool guy. D8.

Invalid. Invalid? Throw this case out. We the jury find the argument Glenn went to Disneyland without Nick. D8. Invalid. Good, because it's on a work day. We the jury find the argument Glenn is trying to be good enough for two parents despite never having had two parents himself. D10. You got this one. Valid. Nice. Good one, Ron. We the jury find the argument Glenn behaves like a friend, not a dad. D10.

Valid. We the jury find the argument Nick loves his dad. D12. Valid. Thanks audiobook narrator guy. We the jury find the argument Nick can't open up emotionally with his dad. D12. Valid. We the jury find the argument Glenn and Nick's love transcends theme parks. D4.

There we go. We got this. We, the jury, find the argument. Glenn has a secret finger language with his son. D2. I don't know about this. Valid. Valid? Really? Okay. Nothing wrong with that. On the charge of bad person, we, the jury, find the defendant. D20. Not guilty. That's good. That's good. On the charge of bad dad. D20. We, the jury, find the defendant.

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At some point, we have to catalog all of the discussion that they had in the Discord because it was like literally by the end of the first day, there were people throwing around the fucking trolley problem. It was awesome. They were talking about human morality. They were talking about parenthood. You can tell just by their voices that they were like,

Yeah, they did not fuck around. There were so many UK people and I feel so bad for every accent that I've ever done on the show. And they were really good. So what does that mean? So what that means is now it's time to roll the dice for each valid argument. So the valid arguments and their dice rolls. The sum total for the defense is a D6, a D4, a D12, a D10, a D12, a D4, a D2 and a D20.

for a maximum possible score of 70. Okay. Due to objections, the defense gets an extra D8 die, and Willie is going to roll those dice in front of you, and you get...

A 29. Holy! Oh no! Are you fucking kidding me? No, that is so bad. Oh my god. You got a three on your d20 roll. No! You didn't get a single dice roll over nine, unfortunately. Actually, over seven. Oh my god. Shit. Okay, so...

The prosecution gets a D10, a D6, a D10, a D12, and a D20 for a maximum possible score of 58. This is like a wash. This is basically a wash right now. The prosecution gets an extra D4 for the objections that they raised. To remind you, the defense, you rolled a 29. The prosecution rolls. I'm a betting man. Hit me.

A 32. So Willie, the most shit eating grin appears off his face and he goes, Bill, come in here, Bill. And the door opens and Bill, who was like freezing in cold and like walking in. I want to see if he's holding the gavel. Yeah. The moment he comes in, I'm already looking. Does he have it? He does. Okay. He's got the gavel in his hand. And I go now, Peyton. Peyton goes, uh, uh, fuck y'all, fuck y'all, fuck y'all.

It takes a couple of knives and he just starts slicing at the air randomly. Henry finds. OK, are we good? We're just going. That's why you can do what you want. I'm saying Daryl saying vines. Do we have all of our weapons and stuff or no? No, it's in the pile. No, they're all in that pile. You got your magic. I've got my spells. And there's a big dragon here to a big golden ancient dragon who is the bailiff. Don't forget the dragon's challenge rating. Remember, challenge rating being, hey, four people of this level should be able to fight me.

and have it be challenging and fun is 22. So if you were all level 22, it would be a fair fight. My thought is just to get the gavel and then I guess we'll figure out what happens to the dragon. We're not in Bally. He's walking in. He's not expecting Henry just to do a spell. Like, right? I feel like we get one thing before a battle starts. You basically get a sneak attack if you're in a dupe something and then we'll go into initiative. You're saying we get a surprise round. Yeah, you get a surprise round. That's what it is. As he whispered Vines...

Honestly, I'm just enraged. Daryl's already picking up a chair because he gets bonuses on spontaneous weapons that aren't like actual weapons. Improvised weapons? Improvised weapons. Thank you. That's the word. He's grabbing one of the wooden chairs and I think he's going to charge at Bill. Okay, let's fucking go. Let's do it. I mean, right? Yeah. I mean, I think we should at least try to grab that gavel. Dad boys for life. Let's go. Yeah.

- Dad boys for life. This was a miscarriage of justice. He was clearly not guilty. This is some bullshit dice roll. - This is a miscarriage of justice. He is clearly a bad person and a good father. - Yeah, after that banger of a closing argument, they were like, "Nah, the other one." - The literally exact opposite. - What's the effect of Pathan's attempt

at causing a shit storm. I feel like it's helping the surprise round element of it because they're all looking at him. So if there's going to be something you would do that I would usually say bullshit, they're all looking at you. I'm going to let you get away with it. All right. I'm going to cast entangle a creature in the area. When you cast a spell must succeed on a strength saving throw. Who is doing that? Bill. I am casting that on Bill. So what saving throw does Bill have to pass? It's a 17. Okay. So he gets a 16.

So he is entangled by vines. He is not moving. And as that happens to him, he goes, wait, what happened? Is he guilty or not guilty? What's going on? I charge him. I go, sorry, I need that gavel, Bill. And then I grab the gavel. The color drains from Bill's face and he goes, you lost? And he opens his hand and the gavel just like is sitting there. So you just take it with no problem. It's just in your hand.

I go, thanks, sir. And then I throw the chair over the head of the dragon, just hoping that he's going to like follow it like a dog to a boat or something. I'm just going to hit him. So I'm just throwing the chair. If he gets anything other than a natural one, he's not going to fall for that. Yeah, no, he just continues to stare at you and his eyebrows furrow. I slipped.

I slipped. And so I'm going to go, wait, wait. Okay. All right. And then I throw the rolling pin at Radiolab. Make a ranged attack. You guys didn't get my joke. Oh, is that a Radiolab joke? It's the intro. Wait, wait. Okay. All right. That's all right. Ang, now you're going to throw it at Radiolab. Ang, take this. I'm going to burn my inspiration on that three. So.

So that's going to be a 14. It's not going to do any damage to him because his armor class is way higher than 14. He's a dragon, but it does bonk into him and you did technically hit him with it. So he does. And by the way, per the rules of the thing, I'm now having, I looked down like, oh, it's cool. I got an apron. It says kiss the chef on it now.

Yeah, you see that the very bottom, the tails of it are lightly brushing against your face-off boots that your feet are still in. Oh shit, we're still in face-off boots. Oh yeah, shit. The dragon goes two-dimensional very suddenly in a kind of cute way. Like it's, there's less detail to it. It's two-dimensional. It's the kind of thing that you can easily- Oh, is it like a cool like pixel art? You know what I'm saying? Like I'm so into that ape. PS1 Spyro.

Well, that's not 2D. That's shitty poly 3D. Dang, Beth, how does it feel to get dunked on by your DM so hard? Well, it feels bad because I know everything about video games and I'm a gamer girl. Ha ha ha!

Go back to selling your bath water. So yeah, the dragon is now two dimensional and it goes, now what? We've got the gavel, right? I think it's time to run. I think Ron is going to try to steal the thing so that we can take it with us. Yeah, the coaster. Ah, yes. Oh, the coaster, right? We do need the coaster too. All right, describe how you're going to do that. Let's see. So I'm in front of the big booth.

We're in the judge booth. Yeah, the judge booth. The big handsome boy with a chair ran and a dragon turned to to myself. Bunch of stuff's been distracting, I would say. Okay, so I grab one of the cups of water that they give everybody on the table and they're always sipping water before asking questions. So I take one of the glasses and I sneak over to the big booth where my dad is and I set up

the glass down on the other side of the coaster so that one might be like, hey, who put that glass there without a coaster? And then while he's looking that way, I'm going to grab the actual coaster, the judge coaster, and I'm going to run away. I like this because it's a very strange version of the Indiana Jones swap accepted in Paul.

Which we all remember worked out very well for Indiana Jones. Go ahead and roll a sleight of hand. A sleight of hand, not stealth? No. You're using your hands to exchange one thing with another cleverly. He's giving you free stealth to get up there without being noticed. Okay. You know, I get that. That's okay. Yes! I got a 19. You got a 19? Yes. Okay. So you managed to pull the... It's actually glued to the stand. But you're...

But you managed to get your fingers around it and you can pull. If you can successfully perform a strength check on your next turn, you can yank it out of there. But you were expecting it to come off way easier. Okay. It's okay, Ron. Daryl's going to help. Daryl's going to help. I got to say, that makes sense because it gets banged by a gavel. It would fly around if it wasn't glued down. True. Of course. Sam. But they don't have wood glue in the Forgotten Realm.

Yeah. Let's hope it's not stronger than the wood itself. Exactly. Now we're going to do proper initiative order. Roll initiative. I get advantage on initiative because that's a 20 for Matt. 15 plus 3, that's 18. I got a 16. 10 plus 5, 15. First up is the dragon. Uh-oh. And the dragon begins to inhale and its pixelated lungs begin to get a little bit bigger. And then Willie goes, uh-uh-uh.

Hold your turn. Hold on. Uh-oh. Just a second, buddy. Oh, no. And so the dragon like pauses and stops his attack. So he's going to hold his turn. He's going to go at the end of initiative now. Now it is Daryl's turn. Okay. Is the fire 2D when he breathes? That's the real question. I refuse to believe that the dragon can breathe fire in 2D. There is no scientific way it could happen. The fear is 3D.

Oxygen molecules are three dimensional. This is all based on the dragon. Not be able to do anything. So this may have been a big mistake. Here's what I'm going to tell you before he does it. Just so it's fair when you know he can breathe fire, but it's going to come out as 2D. It's not going to be vertically 2D. It's going to be horizontally 2D. So it's still going to go out in an arc. But you could hypothetically with a deck save jump above it or below it, let's say. Okay. Pretty good.

It's like a laser beam. It's the fucking the who's laser beams. You know what I'm talking about from the concert film? Yes. It's going to be that. The ones they borrowed for Alien is that. I knew Will would like that one. That's good. That's a good one. All right. So it is Daryl's turn. So this booth that the thing's glued to, it's just like a wooden platform. Yeah, it's a big wooden podium thing. You have to walk up a few stairs to get up.

Is there any decorations? Is there any like old candlestick holders? Yeah, sure. There's some on the side of it. Why not? And there's a seal of the meth bay court system emblazoned and glued onto the front of the dais. It's just a guy doing a fucking line. Henry gives Daryl a look that means Daryl shout. I sentence the dads away from here and then slam the gavel and then it'll suck us away from here.

Okay. So, yeah. Yeah, you got the gavel. Who needs to steal the coaster? Just hit the gavel on the coaster. I thought the coaster was going to be important. As I run, I pick up a big candlestick and I scream at the dragon. We got no problem with you, Radiolab. And then I take the gavel and I say, thanks, Ron, for putting your hand there so I have a better. It's easier for me to aim. It was hard to see beforehand because wood looks like wood, but your nice white skin makes a perfect target. So this is super easy. Wood looks like wood.

It looks like wood, but this is super easy to hit now. It's like the Titanic scene, right? I brought that up before. And then I slam the gavel down and I say, I declare all the dads innocent and I sentence us to get out of here. And then we go home. But here. And we all live happily ever after.

That is certainly what you intend to do as you lift the gavel and you begin to say those words very much like in the scene from Liar Liar where the pen is royal blue. No, you find that you cannot say a legally untrue thing. You know, you feel in your heart with this thing in your hand with this pure artifact of law.

that you cannot give a false verdict and that the true verdict is Glenn Close is guilty. As I'm saying it, because I feel like I said a lot before I slammed it down. Sure. So I feel like as I was trying to say something and I couldn't say something, I just would stop trying to slam it down. OK, so you're just holding up in the air and you're not you're trying to say two syllables and then nothing else. And I stop.

And I realized I can't do it. Daryl, what's wrong? What's going on? I go, I can't say anything. So then I use my second action. I use the candlestick and I bring it down onto the podium to try to smash it into pieces so that we can just have the coaster and run. Try to break the coaster free. OK, yeah. Give me a melee attack on the coaster. On some wood. On

This is why I love Dungeons and Dragons. You can go from you fight a gold dragon with all of your spells to one guy hits wood with a candlestick. I'm trying to get the coaster. Coaster stuck to the table. And I get plus seven. So that is. You're going to hit it. OK, fuck it. Yeah, you just smash the coaster free. You hit the dais with a candelabra and the coaster comes free. It's got splintered bits of wood off the bottom. But yeah, it is now free of its mooring. I just scream at Ron to run. Ron, it is your turn.

I grabbed the coaster and then I...

Try to run, I guess. Okay. Except I say it, I'm a lot more confident about it. Like, I grab the coaster and I run. All right. You managed to dash 30 feet and you are now at the entrance, or the exit, I guess, to the courthouse. You can see daylight. You can see the western-style doors. Maybe I should have passed this coaster to somebody else. No, you're good. I feel like you guys played with us like a fucking cat with a mouse. I know.

Henry, it's your turn. Okay, so Henry sees his comrades jetting for the door. Something goofy happened with the coaster. He's going to... Where's Peyton? Peyton is down on the floor in front of the judges' stand, just sitting there throwing knives randomly at the walls.

What a champ. I feel like he's doing knife juggling and occasionally he like drops it and it's like, oh, oh, and like it almost hits him. All part of the show, folks. Henry's going to turn into a kangaroo and grab Peyton and put him in his pouch and hop out of the courtroom. This is my dream.

You put Peyton into your pouch. He's got his little hands on the outside lip of the pouch. You both start to hop away. And so you're right next to Ron in the six seconds this takes. So you're both at the exit to the room. So now it's the gelatinous cube with the projection of Willie's turn. You just see Willie smiling really big. And he goes, we, the court of Meth Bay, find you, the defendant, Glenn Close, guilty. And as he says the word guilty, you feel, Daryl, the gavel in your hand.

It begins to vibrate and it begins to charge up with a surge of pure elemental law and it shoots out of your hand or tries to shoot out of your hand. Make a disadvantage strength check. You're going to have to be like a Thor's hammer check. You're going to have to beat a 21. It's just like the hammer from Thor. Okay, wait, let me see. I got strength stuff. Marvel Thor. I gain advantage on strength checks. Okay, so the advantage, the disadvantage cancel each other out. So just give me a usual strength check. So I got to hit a 21. Yeah.

I got a 12. No! A 12? I got five plus seven. The gavel shoots out of your hand. Can I try to like block the coaster? Sure. Okay. You're holding it. How are you going to block it? Maybe I just... Drop and curl up. Yeah, maybe I just like drop it, put my feet on it and curl up over it. You're going to go like do the fetal position over the thing. Yeah. Am I going to die? No.

This was your choice. The gavel shoots out of Daryl's hand. It screams toward the coaster. As it does so, you throw the coaster down, immediately covering it with your body. It veers upward, stops in midair, does a 180 so that the hammer of it is pointing downward and comes screaming down at you and hits you square in the back and you hear a horrible crunch and you take- Real sad that I'm about to die here. You take 25 damage. Oh!

It was fucking crazy, dude. What? This is like that moment where Batman breaks his back. Like Bane. Whatever you gotta do to deal with the fact that you're about to fucking die, Freddie. It was really cool, but now it's not cool. So the devil comes down, smashes her back, and you feel some vertebrae pop. Wait, wait, hold on, Anthony. I think it's only fair that Beth gets to roll one luck roll to see if it does fix like a pop in the back and it just makes him feel a little better there. Yeah, go ahead. Ha!

It's like in James and the Giant Peach when the centipede is getting stretched. Yeah. Give me a luck roll. Give me a d20. If you get an 18, 19, or 20, then you feel a little bit better, weirdly. And you get, like, advantage on dex or something, right? You can touch your toes all of a sudden. Like, prior to this, you weren't able to touch your toes, but then now you're like, I can touch my toes. That's a nine, so no. It hurts. So it hurt really bad. Hey, worth a shot. And it can tell that it didn't make it to the coaster, so it...

zooms back up and is preparing to zoom back down again. Oh shit. So now it is Bill's turn. He goes, fuck

Fuck, fuck. So if they're guilty, if they're guilty, then the sentencing, that's got to be a later session, right? So like in a week or something, right, Willie, right? And Willie just goes, no, no, no, no, no. We're doing it right here, right now. These fellas wanted to get rowdy. So we're just going to go ahead and do it right now. And Bill's like, oh, fuck, fuck. I wish I could do something, but I'm fucking entangled. And so he's going to try to do a strength check to get out of the roots. This is all Henry's fault. I look at Bill and I say, what?

Wait one turn, Bill, and I might be able to fix that for you. He tries to point with his restrained finger at Radiolab, and he goes, hey, cool it. And he's going to roll. Calm down.

Persuasion. And with his restraint, he doesn't have the body language that usually makes him so persuasive in these situations. It's a hip thrust. It's a hip thrust thing. And he can't do it. So his attempt to cool down Radiolab does not work.

Now it is Glenn's turn. I'm going to cast a spell that I've learned called Otto's Irresistible Dance on the dragon. Choose one target I can see within range, the gold dragon. The target begins a comic dance in place, shuffling, tapping its feet and capering for the duration. A dancing creature must use all its movement to dance without leaving its space and has disadvantage on dexterity saving throws and attack rolls.

While the target is affected by the spell, other creatures have advantage on attack rolls against it. As an action, the dancing creature makes a wisdom saving throw to regain control of itself. And the way that this works canonically is Glenn like unveils like the thing that he's been working on this whole time, which is... Do you remember the song Freestyler by the Bomb Funk MCs?

I most certainly do not. No. No. It's like freestyler. Rock the microphone. Words cannot describe how little I care about that in this moment. What happens?

So by rapping the song Freestyler, the dragon dances. Okay, great. The song Freestyler by Bon Bon MCs makes the dragon dance and now the dragon can't do anything. So the dragon, which is a 2D pixelated dragon, dances in the way that they would dance in an old NES game with no additional animation sprite. So it just kind of like rotates 45 degrees to the left and rotates 45 degrees to the right and then slides three degrees to the left and slides back to where it was. It is Payton's turn and he goes, uh,

what do I do? What do I do? He was in the kangaroo pouch. Oh yeah, right. I forgot he's in your kangaroo pouch. So he just, he spends his whole turn going, I love this. This is where I belong. I feel very safe. Now it's the dragon's turn. So the dragon looks at Willie and he goes, what do I do? And Willie goes, get my kid off the thing. And so the dragon goes, all right. And for its actions, going to first try to stop dancing. And it is going to roll a wisdom saving DC 15. Yep. All right. Okay.

Okay, it rolled an 18. So it immediately stops dancing to every... So Peyton's disappointment most of all. No, that was Peyton's turn. Peyton was watching this toothy dragon dancing. He was like, yay! Yeah, with his little hands outside of the pouch. Oh my god. A dance of dragons. Oh my god.

And then the dragon is going to, in one very large stride, move right up to where Ron is. He spent his actions. We can't do anything, but he's right there and he's looming over you. So you've got a massive dragon and a magical justice gavel over your back.

Ron. And I have nine HP left. Oh my God. How big is the door? I feel like we can just get out of the doorframe. I feel like the dragon doesn't have the mass to smash through a doorframe anymore. Anthony. That's nice. It's your turn. So you can put that to the test if you want to. I'm still at the front of the courtroom. I can run 40 feet because I got, I'm a special fast boy now. Okay. What I want to do is I want to run. I'm going to push Ron off of the gavel coaster. Okay.

Hold it myself. And that's it. That's essentially what I want to do. OK. Seeing that Ron got smashed by the gavel and seeing the gavel getting ready for another smash. I dive and skid across the floor like a cool John Woo movie. And I say, Ron, roll. And I push Ron off the coaster. And in one cool movement. You say, Ron, roll. And then you push him off anyway. I push him off anyways.

And then I grab the coaster. You look so cool, Daryl. Ow. I grab the coaster and I curl up. The coaster is between me and the candlestick. I'm holding it all really tightly and I'm getting ready to dive out of the way. I'm staring at the gavel. Like I'm up holding the coaster with the candlestick staring up at the gavel. In a way, we all are.

I thought that was so funny. I'm just a man looking at a woman. I'm sorry. I'm going to think about that all the time. I think that is so funny. Okay. It is now your turn, Ron. Ideas sought here. I'm thinking about like, what's a good way that we could destroy this? I think it's less about destroying the coaster than getting out of here. Okay. Then I think that I will just...

try to go out, try to escape. Clear the way a little bit? Yes. Trip the dragon or something or do something maybe? I don't know. I just feel so injured. What if you rolled up the dragon like a burrito? 2D should mean it has zero mass, by the way. Oh. Because it's not paper. Paper is three-dimensional. Straight up, you said two-dimensional. That means there is zero mass to this thing whatsoever. It also means you can't interact with it in a 3D way like rolling up like a burrito. So his fire couldn't interact with us either. Lawyer. No, his fire is still going out at an angle. No.

Guys, Anthony's being a real good sport right now. I feel like I'm being pretty nice. I think we are trying our best to fight out of here. No, I appreciate the way that you're trying to fight out. I don't think we're cheating on anything. I think we're just trying to. I will say, though, you probably can't roll a dragon up as a burrito because the edges are two-dimensional, so it would be infinitely sharp. So you would danger just slice your fingers off. Yeah, I wouldn't want to do that. That's the argument I'm making with the fire is that it's effectively not actually a fire that's coming at you. It is an infinitely sharp, like, sudden blade coming at you.

Okay. Well, except the problem also is that fire in and of itself is a massless thing, right? It's a combustion. So it actually isn't. It has mass. Does fire have mass? Yes, gas has mass. No, fire is a chemical process. Fire is glowing gases. Yeah. In this world of Faerun, when something is two dimensional and it casts fire, that fire still can hurt you. Freddie, this isn't a cut twice thing. Gas has mass. According to Cora, you're both right. Does fire have mass?

The most Henry Boone. Fire is a chemical process, so it doesn't have mass. However, flames have mass because they are composed of a complex mixture of gases and particulate solids, which each have mass. So in a way, you're both right, boys, and you're both wrong. So, you know, I think we all learned something here. Okay.

Ron, what are you going to do? I don't even think there's anything cool that I can do. I think the option is like either run or try to distract the dragon and run is my thought, but I don't know. I'll use the daddy's home cantrip to use Willie's voice to tell the dragon, destroy the hammer. Okay. Give me a persuasion roll. That's a 10. Ah,

So 10 is not going to do it, unfortunately. The dragon begins to flinch at the sound and then it turns and looks at the gelatinous cube. The hologram's mouth isn't moving and it just goes, eh, it's nothing. Bad connection. I better destroy this anyway. It is Henry's turn. And so I can't leave you there. You can move. Sorry, you can also move. That was an action. You can also move. Okay, cool. I'm just going to try to run away. Okay. You are now outside of the courthouse. Feels good, man. Okay.

You taste freedom. You're like Nicolas Cage at that part in Con Air where the wind hits his face. Yeah. Or Nicolas Cage at the part in Face Off where he gets out of the Erewhon prison and it's the first second, but then a helicopter shows up. Oh, man. Daryl sees Ron running. He's like, tell Grant I love him if we don't make it out of here, Ron. If we don't make it, my back is broken. I know. I'm sorry, buddy. No, it's okay. All right. It is Henry's turn. Wow. What a day, huh?

Henry is going to cast one of his new fifth level spells called Gash. I wonder if you can Gash what this is going to do. God. Gash is... Speak like Sean Connery. It makes you speak like Sean Connery. And because you're speaking like Sean Connery, it allows you to place a magical command such as punch the keys or bolt the door if you're coming in.

On a creature that you can see within range, forcing it to carry out some action or refrain from some action or course of activity as you decide. So basically I can make it do something. I mean, I feel like that's what you wanted me to do. And so you didn't tell me that that's what you had the power to do. I was like, I was like, no, I get it. It's good to have multiple chances. It is. What a day, huh?

So Henry gets like super serious and he points at the dragon and says, no, really destroy the hammer. That's as scary as he could sound. That was pretty persuasive. How does the spell work? The dragon needs to make a wisdom saving throw. He rolled a natural 20. Damn. All right. All right.

Well, shit. That's Henry's spell and it didn't work. Do you kangaroo hop away? Well, oh, I had to D kangaroo to do that. So I'm no longer a kangaroo. What are you just holding pain like an epiphytus? Pain immediately. No, I was so happy. It's the cubes turn. And so Willie looks at you and he goes, I guess. See you later, kiddo. And,

the gelatinous cube reaches under the desk with a single globby tentacle and pushes a button, the same button that was pressed when you very first came into this place and the doors to the front of the room slam shut. And now you are all trapped, crushing another person. They learned to get out of the way so nobody gets crushed, but you are now trapped inside with everybody else. And Ron is on the outside.

The gavel is once again going to come screaming down at the coaster, which is being held exactly how like I'm holding the candelabra and the coaster to my chest. But obviously the coaster is touching my chest and the candelabra is above it. Like I'm also staring at it. So I want to be able to do it. Like I'm ready to like roll out of the way. You can give me a regular dexterity, but it's just going to be a very high check. That's a four plus a one. The gavel comes in towards your chest and

You juke a little bit to the left and it just like jukes over exactly identically as you're doing it. Like it doesn't even obey the laws of momentum. And it's going to do what I'm basically saying is that this thing, this 3D 12 worth of damage. And I'm going to say a candelabra reasonably. You could expect it to have like 14 hit points. OK, so it does 19 hit points. It shatters the candelabra against your chest. The shards go everywhere and it.

hits the coaster in the center of your chest. And in that moment, time stops. You all find yourselves in a...

that is both black and white, that is both light and dark, that is both up and down, that is perfectly balanced, that is the rules of existence and reality come to a beautiful head. You are within the very nature of justice. And a guy that looks exactly like Brian Ferenczi steps out and he says, I am the law. Got you.

You fucker. Glenn, you have been pronounced guilty. I'm the spirit of the gavel. You have two choices, as was mentioned earlier. You can either, in this instant, magically lose control of your son and be instantly teleported to the Meth Bay Supermax to live out the rest of your days, or we can teleport all of you right back to where you are

and the dragon can finish its job of immolating you and putting you to death. So you have one of these two choices, and you have to make one of these choices.

I've got a question. So with the choice that he loses his son and is confined to prison, isn't the losing your son not like alterable? Correct. There's nothing that you can do ever that will change the fact that Nick will lose all of his memories of you as his father. He will have a new father. There's nothing magically that you can do to change that. Even if you found a way to go back in time and change that, you would find a timeline where he'd grown up with this other person.

you will invariably and inviolably not be your son anymore. I think that deep down, oh man, this is very complicated because like, I think that for Glenn, he cares about Nick.

Probably more than anything else. He cares about Nick because this is like the one piece of his relationship that he had with Morgan that is like the thing that lives on, right? So that's pretty hardcore. The idea of losing Nick forever.

But then he also knows that that's a possibility because there's no guarantee we go back and we win this fight. Like, we could go back. Glenn gets to keep his kid, but Glenn might die. Nick grows up an orphan. Nick loses both of his parents. So deep down, I think he's going to take the option to go into prison and to lose Nick because...

At least in that scenario, he can live with the idea. At least Nick grew up with a father. But in the other one, he can't go look down at Abyss again and risk, because he knows deep down that Nick was affected by Morgan's death, even though he doesn't say anything. He's smart enough. He's an adult. And to potentially subject Nick to that...

would truly make him a bad father. He'll take the sure thing of life in prison, and Nick at least has a life and a father that he loves, over the possibility of subjecting Nick to losing another parent. And so he says, the first thing you said, please. All right. So the law nods solemnly at you. It claps its hands. And in that instance, everything goes white.

Len, when you next open your eyes, you are in a cell alone back in the Meth Bay Correctional Facility, a cell that's guarded by two very burly guards with spectral security cameras watching you, basically just big spectral eyes that are standing in the jail cells. Your boots are extra heavy and weighted down. Your arms are chained to the wall. This is quite a bit for a cool dude who's clearly not like a

buff flight risk. I'm just throwing that out there. If you don't want to take the really cool implication that they're actually scared of you getting out because they think you're clever, then sure, by all means. You're just sitting on a little crappy cot. Okay, never mind. I back that up. I'm in chains. It's like the fucking cell in Hannibal Lecter Mask. It's the Hannibal Lecter Mask plus it's the jail from the end of X-Men. So it's like the Magneto Jail too because that's how hard it is. Two security guards, one that has the food is like, no man, you give him the food. No, you give him the food. And then he pushes the other one and they quickly slide the food under your thing. What are you telling me to cool?

Cool it! Well, I don't know if he's not going to tell you to cool it. The other dads, when you open your eyes, you find yourselves around a campfire. And the first thing you see when you open your eyes are your own children. You see Walter the Bullywug. He's not my kid.

I said and. I'm sorry. You immediately by instinct think, where's Nick? And you turn and you look and you see Nick and Nick is laughing so hard. And you notice that immediately he's not wearing the clothes that feel like a younger kid's version of Glenn's clothes. He's wearing a polo. He's wearing khakis. Looks like a fucking nerd. He looks.

A visually similar handsome man slaps him on the back and he goes, Because he was on duty. Yeah, I know. Duty, right? Oh, man. I love it. I love it. I love you. And that voice you just heard belongs to Jimmy Wong, Freddie Wong's real life younger brother. What? What? Oh, no. What? Yes. Holy shit. What?

Holy shit, dude!

Dungeons & Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Special guest Jimmy Wong with a brief cameo there at the end. And you can expect to hear more of him in the episodes to come.

Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theronde is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This episode could not have happened without our jury of 13 individuals drawn from our Patreon ranks. We want to thank them for diligently deliberating all the finer points of this trial on the private Discord over the past two weeks. So, in no particular order, thank you to Caitlin Marquardt,

Theo, R, Chris Ruger, Stock Bach McGock, Eric Gilbert, Rebecca Maloney, Chris Wading, Laura Loveless, Kelly Carmine, Shani Polwin, TheMysteriousJuror12, and Juror10. In addition to these sort of wild gameplay experiments, you can get a peek behind the scenes and access to exclusive bonus content on our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.

There you can join people like Jeremy Tisdale, Duncan Watson, Elizabeth Fulmey, Samantha Humphrey, Elliot Roberts, Dylan J. Johnson, Elizabeth Singer, Colby Rice, Drew Pat, and Jess Backstett, and get access to an entire backlog of bonus content. We're recording our next Stretch Goal bonus miniseries this month. It's going to be a Star Wars themed miniseries about a jizz band that knew too much. If you don't like subscribing to Patreons, you'll be able to get it eventually as a digital download, just like our previous miniseries at the Mountains of Dadness, but

If you're a Patreon, you get it first and you get it free. You can also get discounts on our merch store over at store.dftba.com. We have an incredible new sticker pack for sale, including a West Rock Elementary Doodlers bumper sticker and an amazing looking Everything is Going to Be OAK poster. So head on over there. Check it out now. Store.dftba.com. Follow us on Twitter, Dungeons and Dads, reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies for our subreddit.

This is going to be the last main episode of the year. We have a little bonus the week of Christmas, but we'll be back with a new main episode to kick off year three of Dungeons and Daddies on January 12th. Patrons will continue to get new content throughout this month, so don't worry there. But as we barrel headlong into the holidays for some much needed R&R on a very strange year indeed, we want to take a

quick moment to thank you all for your support for listening for passing the show along to your friends and for all the amazing discussion and fan art along the way we hope that in return we've given you some quality audio entertainment for your ear holes maybe even inspired some of you out there to pick up some dice maybe try dming yourself we have a blast making this show we hope you've had a good time whether you've been listening from the first episode or just picked this up so truly thank you all for taking the time and listening to our little show

We'll see you next year. And I think you're going to definitely want to hear the Easter egg on this episode. Okay, bye. There was a time you need between to know they never brought you

I'm sharing you all on some documents. So what was going to happen was if you chose to try to fight the dragon and you died, then I was going to say, OK, here's another choice for you. Glenn is somewhere on the infernal plane because he was killed by a dragon's fire. His soul has been transported to the infernal plane, which is a place. Don't look at the files yet, which was a place that is made for and by the worst people in the history of

of time and space. It is the most awful place you can imagine. So if you want to go to the infernal plane and try and get him out, you can, but I promise you, you are not going to like it. You were going to be angry at me for even giving you this option. You're gonna be angry at yourselves for taking it. And then if you said yes, I would say, okay, I've shared you all on character sheets that you're going to need to look at. So you all descend into hell and then you have to double click hell music.

And I would say, Glenn, you feel your hair begin to grow curlier around you. Oh, no. And Ron, you feel your face begin to deform and a hat grows out of your skull. Wait, can I? Can I? Yeah, play the hell music and then look at your character. I'm playing the hell music. I know. I know.

And you see lights streaming up above you as you move forward through the night and you're like back in your own world and you're confused and you realize you're all in a car together. You're in a beautiful convertible together going down Sunset Boulevard. As you look up into the lights, you see your own name and you now have to escape Entourage the Game.

I never watched Entourage as a fucking kid. I put that in there as foreshadowing in case I needed to do this. So I'm Johnny Drama Chase, and Anthony gave us, these are the stats he gave us. Lying, seduction, toxic masculinity, fame, spending money, and the gym. Which gym was Lauren's idea, which is the fucking, I was like, so like something physical she wouldn't know. So go, gym.

My ability was Bro Hype, which I can spend a wall buck and intentionally fail a roll to give a bro a plus one die on their next roll. My ability is fucking piece of shit, garbage, shithole, asshole. Spend a wall buck to gain plus two die if any roll. If you act like a complete piece of shit excuse for a human. Ron is Turtle. Mine is Vincent Vinny Chase. I'm an actor.

Best actor in the biz. At any time, you can spend a wall buck to gain plus two to your lying score, but you must specifically recall how a role you portrayed that will help you. You also must perform the signature line from that role. I was E. My ability is negotiate a better deal. Spend a wall buck to re-roll a new check. If you don't roll a six, treat the result as a one. If you ever do something cash money, the DM will award you a wall buck. It's very good.

This is insane, Anthony. You know why I did this, right? It's because in that Talking Dad, we were talking about succession and all this, and Matt specifically said, I usually try to give these characters the benefit of the doubt, but every character in Entourage should go to hell. And I was in the shower, and I was like...

Mark my words, Patreon supporters, after we finish the Star Wars miniseries, this is the next stretch goal. The alternate reality of if Glenn had died and the dads had to go rescue him from the Entourage universe.

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