Ep. 47 - Glenn Close's Damages
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. What you're witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. Both parties have agreed to have their cases settled here. The Sheeple's Court. Yeah, that's right. I said it.

These are the plaintiffs, the people of Faerun represented by Radicus Finch. They claim that I, Glenn Close, am both a bad person and a bad father because I let Aaron O'Neill die in our fight with the library and I charmed some rando bad guy I don't remember the name of and, oh yeah, also I let Nick do awesome stuff like hot wire cars and smoking the kush. Yeah.

This is the defendant, me, Glenn Close. I say that I'm completely innocent of all these charges because the fundamental framework upon which the legal system is built is a fabricated construct and as such the institutions which govern these so-called laws have no power over any of us. And also, I'm sorry, is it a crime to not heal every single person in a fight? I've killed a lot of dudes here and smoking weed and boosting cars fucking rules and nobody can tell me what to do with it.

Anyway, stay tuned for Glenn Close's damages after this short introduction. ♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a thrilling courtroom drama and D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the man of the hour for the trial of the century here. When he's not answering for his crimes, he's a rock and roll bar dad. And this week's Glenn fact, Glenn.

Super in the hand lotions. You know how everybody has like that one thing they like buy by default? Like I know some people. To masturbate with? Yeah. No, no, no. Hold on. I was going to defend him this episode. It's a good thing. No, like I have a friend who's like into soaps. So they get like different soaps. I have another friend who likes, you know, scented candles. So this is a little luxury. This is like. This is a little luxury. It's got a lot of hand lotion. Freddie, I have a question, which is I would imagine as a rock and roll guitar man, he needs to build up some thick cowlitz.

calluses on his hands. Is that undermined by all the nice lotion he buys for himself? Does he try to avoid the calluses so they stay rock hard for his sphincters? It's like baby soft skin except for like these three tips of three fingers are just rock hard calluses. Which means that he now has something in common with Daryl who had a 90 year old

pinky finger. I would hate myself if I let this topic go without making this comment. But have you guys done the like foot peel things where you basically it's solely my self care kink where you put your

feetsies or your handsies and these sort of mitten things for about an hour and then over the course of the next three days the skin sloughs off and you have baby feet again and uh it's haunting and so tempting i like these are baby feet not baby skin so like suddenly you were very top heavy i can fit in my size twos once again mom do you still have those booties from when

I was peeing all their brawns. Dang. No, I know I have a huge problem because I was talking to my mom. For sale, best baby shoes in every room.

I know I have a huge problem because I was talking to my mom on the phone and I was like, I can't wait until the new year where I can slough my feet off again. I'm begging you to stop saying that. I'm so sorry. Episode after this one will be Beth's trial. Okay.

I'm sorry. To answer your question, Will's hands are... He doesn't care anymore. We're on the feet thing now. And also, good hand care is good moisturizing. You gotta be... You don't want... Yeah, just be, you know, like, take care of your hands. What kills me is Freddie Edison, so I know all this bullshit's staying in.

Hi, my name is Matt Arnold. I played Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon his journey into the Forgotten Realms. We shall finally finish this epic of Daryl's five senses. This is Vision. Daryl's favorite sight is the image of Carol smiling when she eats something good that Daryl makes because Daryl likes cooking and he's got good food. I don't know what his least favorite was until Freddy spoke. So now his least favorite sight is watching Glenn weirdly moisturize his hands.

What is weird about moisturizing your hands? The way Glenn does it is very odd. It's just very grotesque and he's enjoying it too much. He forms a fist and then he like pumps each finger through the fist on the opposite hand and then does it on the other side just for maximum coverage. Oh no!

That's not even his least favorite anymore. His new least favorite is Beth's skin sloughing off. Since Beth is a canonically a character in this show. That's so much better than I am. Has Daryl met Beth in the show? Yeah, I think Beth probably showed up at like a meeting or like a cat. Ron's weird friend, Beth. Oh, boy.

Anyways. Hello, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play the fictional character Henry Oak on the podcast Dungeons and Daddies. Why do you say fictional now? Because he's fictional. Why don't you guys say fictional? Because he's trying to put some distance between himself and the crime of his creation. I just like reminding everyone. I like that. It's the audio equivalent of wiping down your fingerprints. Clark Gable plays the fictional character in this bullshit story you're about to watch. Enjoy. He's with a $14 asshole. Got all the way in a bunch of horse shit that never actually happened. My Henry fact this week is...

is I thought that I'd make it an interactive fact, and I will answer one question as Henry from the group. So Henry's an open book. Fire away. What's Henry's favorite movie? Henry's favorite, his real favorite movie is... Answer in character, coward. Hey, God!

Anthony, gosh, golly gee whiz, it's so nice to talk to you outside the context of the podcast. Really love the question about my favorite movie. Now, I know I've said in the past that it's the sunrise, but I like real movies too, and I get what you're after. I have to say, there's this really neat, nifty hiking movie called The Blair Witch Project.

And I saw it on TV and the sound was off, so I couldn't quite figure out what was going on. But it seemed like, you know, I wish there were more movies that were less about killing and cussing and more movies just about people enjoying nature. So, you know, boy, how do I like that Blair Witch Project quite a bit. I want them to do more projects. You know, they could do a Yosemite project. They could do a project, you know, in the great Alaskan wilderness. So, you know, I want more of those project movies. Hi, my name is Beth May and...

I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Actually, I play Ron Stampler Esquire. Yeah.

Today's dad fact about Ron is a little insight directly from the last time we met Ron and his lawyering shenanigan ways. He's such a good lawyer. So these are a couple of notes from his legal pad from last week. Crack tree through. Greater good. Roots. From Aaron. Okay. Good person? Okay.

Haiku by Ron. Haiku by Ron. Ruby Carr? Do we have Ruby Carr on the podcast? Oh my God. The roots through the person. Oh man, I could go. Yeah, next week I'm going to do a full on Ruby Carr poem and you're all going to hate it. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy. And once again, it is my pleasure as my dad fact to introduce the voice and the brain behind Radicus Finch, your new favorite D&D character. Boo. Boo? Jenna Stieber. She's bad. She's bad.

No, he might ask, hey, welcome to Jenna Steber. Be nice to Jenna. Hey, Jenna. Hi, Jenna. Hi. Hello, everybody. I play Radicus Finch, and my Radicus Finch parent fact is that the species of mouse person that they are start off when they're born the size of mouse with proportionate bird wings so they can fly. And then as they get older, their bird wings don't grow with them, and so they have to get law degrees. It's real sad. Ha ha ha!

That's better than any creature in Dungeons and Dragons. It really is. That's so poignant. Do they have to get cream to slough off their wings so that they have babies? Wait, I'm a little confused, though. Jenna, just to make sure, is Radicus fictional? Oh, yeah. I'm so sorry. You're right. I don't want anybody to get confused. Radicus Finch is 100% nonfiction. Deal with it. Absolutely right.

So to summarize last episode, it was the first half of the trial of Glenn Close with Bill Close, his father presiding as judge. Radicus Finch called two of their witnesses, all their witnesses, essentially. You're only going to call two witnesses per side. And right before the defense could call their witnesses, Judge Close ordered for a recess and sent you all to the Meth Bay Supermax prison because you were in contempt of court.

That night while you were hanging out inside your cell with your big iron boots that keep you magnetized to the ground because the jail is exactly like the one from Face Off. Except not in the middle of the ocean. Right. There's a knock- Well, it could be. Could be. Sure. Yeah, it is. Now it is. Now it is. It's also in the middle of the ocean. Nice.

Just in case you wanted to do a cool escape, it's going to be even more difficult now. Oh, hold on really quick. What happened to all of our stuff? All of your stuff was taken from you when you went into contempt. It was forced to be removed from you and is now in the pile of civil forfeiture stuff that was at the courthouse. Oh, shit. Okay. Oh, man. And we got to get our stuff back. But somebody came up to the bars, said they wanted to talk, and it turned out to be Bill Close saying that he was going to break y'all out. So Henry went up to the bars and Bill says, hey, I need to talk to Glenn. I need to talk to my kid. Oh, God.

Glenn, your dad's here. He says he's going to break us out. Oh, all right. Keep your voices down. This is supposed to be a super maximum security facility. So I bet they got like listening devices and stuff. Just everyone keep this under their hats. Okay. And I go clonk, clonk, clonk, clonk. In the cell next to you, you hear the voice of what is clearly a bird girl go, what the

I'm trying to sleep. Fuck you. I'm Danny Peck. And I'm going to fuck your whole life up. If you keep making noise, I'm going to call the guards. You better stay quiet. So whisper to each other. Bill goes, yeah, hey man, let's talk. And he starts whispering to you and you have a little conversation that Freddie and I already recorded.

Wait, what? The following conversation was recorded in secret with me and Anthony. Bill leans in close to you and he goes, hey, I have something for you. Oh, yeah, what's that, man? He passes you what looks to be a larger than average joint. What?

Well, hold on now. Average depends very much on the hand of the maker, so to speak, Anthony. Yeah. OK, fair. So imagine somebody who spent a lot of his life getting fucking blazed and knows that his kid does as well. It's a large enough blunt that even Glenn is kind of impressed by its size. OK. And the second you take it into your hand, you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is your anchor. Whoa. OK.

Okay. What are you giving me this for, man? Like, I don't want to keep you trapped here forever, man. Like, that'd be a bummer. Yeah. So here's the thing. Like, in order for me to stay alive, to keep the darkness out, you know, because like, I ain't a fan of that. I ain't a fan of having nothing when I get to the end. So the fatherhood thing is just to keep me going, man, just to keep me living my best. Yeah, I figured as much. To do that, we've been trying to get a bunch of these kids and stuff, but we really, really need the one.

And so my thinking was, if you can just get us just one of these kids to like want to stay here or to convince the others that it's cool for them to stick around, I'm pretty sure I can just convince them to let you go. I'm pretty sure Willie will let me just be like, hey, guys, it's fine. Que sera, sera. You know what I'm saying? So just like any single one of the kids and it's all good? Yeah, I think so. And you're saying you got a pretty good line into the main dude, the big bad to use the

screenwriting terminology. It's one of these classic scenarios. He thinks he's running the show, but your big boy here, Bill, he knows what's really going on. Like, I can make this work. And honestly, once I get the whole immortality, daddy magic, all that stuff like that, who knows? Maybe I can get rid of him, take the empire from myself. Who knows? You know, it could be a cool deal. I could even invite you back sometime later. We can run the Forgotten Realms together. That'd be pretty cool. I don't know. I'm figuring it out as I go. You know, you gotta be agile. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. I dig it. All right. Okay. So he goes...

Okay, I'm gonna let you guys out. And then he goes to the- Wait, can we try it here? Danielle. Danielle Peck.

What? I think she's sleeping. Well, did you hear anything that went on maybe between the guy at the bars and then the guy who was close to the bars, the guys that kind of looked alike? I know you've been in here a long time, so I was wondering if you maybe learned to have cool jail ears or something that you can maybe. No, I told them to whisper and they whispered so I could go back to sleep. And now I'm awake because I'm talking to you. Shut the fuck up.

Danielle, you sound like a, are you a bird? Yes. I have to ask. Do you just have like little tiny metal boots? No, they're big. The same size as ours. I have big feet. I'm not a small bird. I'm a human size. I'm like a normal. Well, actually humans are bird sized. Fuck you. Racist.

Oh, no. Problematic ass, loud ass piece of shit. Don't start beef. You're going to get beat up. Sorry. Go back to sleep. I was just. Go back to sleep. What's wrong with you? You can do whatever you want. I'm sorry. You said you wanted to go back to sleep. I know I can. You shut the fuck up. I got to say, you're rude and you're probably in prison for a reason. You don't get to talk shit about me.

me and then call me you're not going to bed immediately everybody in all the cells around you wake up and the lights flash on and the guards are like alert alert people are being loud during beddy time and then a bunch of guards come out and bill's like well i can't fucking get you i get fuck i was trying to get you out but i guess i can't do that now everybody's awake you fucking oh your friends are fucking narcs your friends we just blow it bill close leaves what we

So, all right. So, yeah. What happened? He gave me my anchor. And Glenn pulls out and reveals that he's been given his anchor, which is a giant rolled spliff. Daryl slaps it out of your hand. What? No, wait. Do that, we'll go to prison. Oh. Roll dexterity, both of you opposed. 13 plus 3, 16. Oh, yeah. That's a 19 plus 1, a 20. God.

All right. So Daryl successfully knocks out of your hand. Can I describe how I knock it out since I got 20? Yeah, go ahead. I knock it out. And then when it drops, it lands on my foot and I flick it up and I grab and I put it back in my ear. It wasn't a natural 20. Fuck you. Fuck you. That's not what you don't get. That's fucking bullshit, Pele. You slapped it out of his hand.

And it hits the ground and it fucking breaks open. Like the wrapping just breaks open and all the weed gets scattered or whatever. And immediately, Glenn, as that happens, you can feel this like magic sort of begin to well up inside you, but you can feel that it's not, there's some sort of spell that has to complete and it can't complete until you're here with Nick. Well, dang, Daryl, you broke my spliff. I wonder if I could have used that spliff. Look, I was just,

This is a lot. We were just talking about Air Force One, and now the judge is showing up, giving you drugs. There's a bird that got mad because I asked if she had small shoes. I just thought it was a small bird. I mean, was the judge doing this illegal? Like, shouldn't the judge be in trouble? Clearly, the guards must have seen the judge. What the hell's going on? I gotta say, I get the sense that the rules and the laws of this land are a lot like the rules and laws of our land. The people in charge get to do whatever the fuck they want. That's not the America I know, Glenn. Ha ha ha!

Daryl, you should keep your voice down. If you say anything else more problematic about that bird, she might tweet about you. See, this is why I don't get it. I feel like Henry says things like that, and nobody says that's a problem. But when, like, I just had, like, a normal question. I was just making a silly bird joke, because that's kind of what I do, just to cut the tension. You hear a voice from the next cell go, oh, yeah, nothing racist about making a joke about a group. That's the least problematic thing you can do. Just make a funny little joke about a group of people. That's totally not... Y'all fuckers.

Every person in that cell is an asshole. This whole time, Daryl is trying to re-roll this joint and he's doing it very bad. He does not know how to do it, but he is trying to do it. Daryl's accidentally eaten half the joint trying to lick it. He's just got weed in his teeth. Guys, I'm hungry. Guys, guys. He's folding it up kind of like a burrito. He's like rolling it and then folding the sides. So I'm just going to hang on to this and then when Nick's around, you can have it back, okay?

Anyway, I think the judge is on our side. I think we're going to be A-OK. Your dad wants to bust us out? What's that about? What did he say? I mean, this is just coming from him, but he was saying that there might be a deal that we could strike, but we do need to get out of here first. So is he, I mean, a deal with Willie or a deal to get us out of jail? What does he mean? Like, it sounds like they just need one kid. They just need one kid. So we clone a kid. What do you mean?

Where's Peyton? Peyton. What's up? Okay. He's always afraid of Peyton. Peyton is tattooing stuff onto his knuckles with a sharpie, so he's not really tattooing. He's not tattooing, he's just sharpie-ing on there, and then one of them says Pey, and the other one says Den, and he's got like smaller pictures of fists on the remaining letters on his fingers. Okay. For whatever thing they're doing, they just need one kid. Well,

We're not going to give them any of our kids. Hear me out, but hear me out. It's hard to clone four kids, but what if we cloned one kid? I don't know that they have that tech stuff. Where's cloning coming from? If cloning was the solution, we could have done this. You can't just be like, if we had a time machine, we could just do a time machine with one kid. What are you talking about, Glenn? What's a clone? Yeah, you're right. You're right. That's silly. There has been no time travel antics that have happened at any point during this adventure. You're right, Dale. Are you getting sarcastic, Ryan?

right now? What's the cloning? You said cloning. I just feel like there could be a possibility. I mean, they're moving souls into shells and stuff like Payton over there. So that was basically the deal that he offered. Now, I know my dad well enough to know that he's always trying to pull some other angle on this sort of thing. So I don't necessarily fully trust him. I trust him about as far as the next few days goes. But hold on, I got sneezed.

Go ahead, Glenn. That's fine. Don't sneeze. You're going to wake her up. Oh, that's a dad sneeze. Who's sneezing? Who the fuck is sneezing while I'm trying to sleep? We're sorry. Bless you. Hold it in. Sneeze on your fucking elbow. Bless you, too. Bless you. Hey, now I'm taking umbrage. Hey, some people sneeze louder than other people, okay? It's not a matter of wanting to be louder to our attention. Some people just sneeze louder. Yeah, your elbow sneezes louder. It also stops you from spreading disease. You're a bunch of disease-spreading racists over there.

Just, okay, so I don't mean to jump, because we should go to sleep so we can go to court. I just want to understand, you're saying that Willie said they need one kid. No, my dad said. Your dad said. That he could probably just get away with one of the kids. I didn't agree to anything in this video. Get away to where? I don't know what they're doing. I don't know what your dad's doing. I don't know what any of this is doing.

all about. All I know is that I got a court date tomorrow and I'm not taking my dad's deal because I'm not quite sure what his angle is. And once I figure out this angle, we can consider it. We can, well, okay, well, all right, everyone, we've got a big day in court tomorrow. We still need to figure out what witnesses we're going to call, but I'm going to think about it while I'm dreaming. Sometimes I get my best ideas when I sleep and maybe we'll come up with who this next witness should be. We'll find out on the other side.

So the next morning, you show up bright and early to the Meth Bay Courthouse. Let's be honest, it's starting at 11 a.m. Are you kidding? You think Bill Close is getting up early for court day? That's fair. No, you show up bright and early and then Bill comes in at 11 a.m., clearly hungover. Braddix is at the prosecution desk. So Bill Close wraps his gavel on the thingy for the gavel and goes, all right. The gavel!

Yeah, the gavel thing. What is it called? It's the little gavel coaster, right? It's like the little gavel coaster. So he goes, okay, so school's back. Nope, that's not right. Court is back in session. School's back in session. Principal Kool. School's back. I said it again. Court is back in session. So defense, it's your witness. You have two witnesses. Hi, sir. I'm raising my hand. Yeah, well, you, the narc. Oh, oh.

Okay. Can we call a mistrial? Yeah, go ahead. Go for it. Yeah. Hey, everybody. This judge tried to break us out and gave us drugs in prison. I feel like that's a pretty good reason for a mistrial. Radicus, it seems like you're pretty fair. You believe in the law. I feel like this would upset you as well, right? This is not the way things are supposed to run. Yeah, I think...

Radicus kind of shrugs because they know Bill Close because they have to have Bill as a judge a lot. So it's sort of like, you know, it's a living. It's a living. It's a living. Your Honor, if that's a mistrial, let me introduce you to myself, Mr. Trial. I'm ready to go to court today and argue for my client.

We are on the defense. Daryl slaps her on the back and is like so pumped at that pivot and turn a phrase. Ron, you're going to kill it. You're going to kill it today. Hopefully not, because I don't want to end up back in jail. So you do or do not wish to call for a mistrial? Well, I mean, I think it's pretty clear that nobody here seems to give a part of my friendship crap. So like, you know, whatever. I just told you what happened. You didn't flinch. Yeah, yeah. No, prove it. Go ahead and prove it right now. Whoops, you can't. All right. So no mistrial. So, uh...

Yeah, go ahead and call your first witness. Okay. One second. I'd like to confer with my legal team. Okay, so here's what I want to do. Guys, I want to get put up on the stand, and I look a little bit tired because I've been teaching Payden a series of hand signals all night, which can communicate a series of words to him. This is a bard spell, which is an at-will cantrip called Message. Okay. The text is, I point a finger towards a creature within range and whisper a message. Okay.

The target and only the target hears the message and they can reply in a whisper that only I can hear. So I'm going to morph this spell into I taught Peyton the secret series of hand signals the close families pass down to communicate with each other. It's like finger-tutting. Yeah, yeah. Hidden in disguise in finger-tutting is in fact a secret cipher that the close family has used for generations. Wait, don't say the close family because then clearly your dad would know it. No, but he's over there and not looking. You know what I mean? He's going to be like,

You think he's not going to be looking at you when you're on the stand? I'm going to like block it. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm going to lean over and my body will block it. You know what I'm saying? Like it's. It's like you'll just look like you're like what? Tickling your belly? Like. Yeah, could be. Could be. Farsinos could be anything. Doesn't matter because he doesn't see the communication. Could be anything. You're right. What message is it when you ball up your fist and then stick each of your fingers in it individually? That's the message of these fingers are parched.

Thirsty fingies. Here's my point. Here's my point. Here's my point. I think Peyton...

should be a lawyer but we're using this secret hand signal methodology i can communicate to him all the questions that i want him to ask me so you just want to do it all by yourself like ron and i were having a bunch of fun being all your lawyers well no i want you guys to do that too but then payton can fill in the gaps so that i can participate in my own anything that you don't cover that he wanted to cover he can just put it into my brain well i guess that makes sense

since I don't know what we could cover. Hey, Glenn, we can't change what's happened. Two things. One, I would prefer you not spending all night talking to Peyton without me hearing what you're telling him. No offense. I know that kind of points to why you're on trial here in the first place. I finger-taught what a narc to Peyton. And number two, I definitely feel like you could have taught. I should have raised him better.

You definitely could have taught Henry or Ron, you know, your lawyers this. It probably would have been more useful. But again, you know, the play's already been called. It is what it is. Your fingers aren't moist enough. Me and this boy, my fingers are constantly moist. Okay, Peyton. All right. Well, Peyton, I'm sure you're going to do a great job as a lawyer. You got your, you know, your third chair now, buddy. I can sit back. I'll be fourth chair. Perfect. Fourth quarter, Daryl. That's what I'm known for. That's why I talk about the shape of my case. Okay. So I thought about it last night.

And I made some notes here. So they're getting me for being a bad person by saying that I let Aaron die in that fight. Again, I think our defense there is that was a fight and I did what I had to do. And we all survived the fight and we defeated a great evil upon this land. So, you know, net good. Harrelson, which I have a counter to that, that we didn't get to last time. Linkin Park DJ, self-explanatory. And then also that I killed a squirrel. The squirrel was rabid, clearly, and it was in self-defense.

And then their points for me being a bad dad to Nick was that I allowed him to hotwire a car, whatever. We were trying to get out there with our lives. Nick smoking pot, whatever. Like I smoked pot when I was a kid too. Buying a drone for Christmas, whatever. I bought my dad gifts all the time. That's a common thing that Americans do. And also not taking Disneyland. You can't just yank a kid out of school to take him to Disneyland. Education's important. So yeah, this is great. This is fantastic. Bring up all those things like on ironclad defenses. What do you guys think we should cover?

I want to like, what's a positive case we can make for you, Glenn, as a father? You know, like I want to ask him on this day, like, do you love your son? You know? Yeah. What's the nicest thing you've done for Nick? Oh, yeah. Yeah. He wanted to go get like a massage chair from, you know, the sharper image stores. He was coming to see one of my gigs and they have these massage chairs. And I was like, yeah. So we got matching massage chairs.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, we can work with that. Yeah. Here's an easy one. He got in trouble at school once. I bailed him out. No problem. In the principal's office, I acted like, oh, hey, you can't do all that. And then afterwards, I was like, nah, it's all good. And we played hooky the rest of the day. Well, I think we could still clarify that one. Is there anything like emotionally, like, you know, with your son? Like, you know, he had a really tough time and you helped him through it. You know, he was really sad and you cheered him up, like that kind of thing. Yeah. I mean...

He's a teenager and teenagers go through like moody periods. And, you know, I feel like I've always been there for him and I've always managed to turn the mood around. And I don't understand where all this bad dad stuff came from. How can I be a bad dad? Are you guys ready or not? OK. Yeah, I think we're fine. Come on. Let's let's go.

Let's do it. We'll figure it out. Yeah, okay. Radicus would like to update the court that they have now seen Air Force One. Thank you, Evan Essence, for lending me your copy. I'm now prepared to make any arguments in metaphor in reference to that movie. That's why Radicus is the best, ladies and gentlemen, non-binaries. What did I tell you? What did I tell you?

You guys are going to lose. Anyway, go ahead. Who are you calling? We call Glenn Close to the stand. Phil goes, all right, Glenn Close. And he slams the gavel down. A wave of purple energy comes out. Oh, you know what it is? And then when Glenn Close comes back, he's suddenly holding a copy of Highlights for Children because that was in the waiting room. And he's like, I swear to God, people find all the things already in these image searches. It's bullshit, man. Who's doing that? Who?

Who's even got a pen? Sorry, Glenn. It was a long week. Have you seen what Goofus did? Oh, my God. That's the best. That's the best of them. It's Goofus, kid, man.

He's one cool customer. Please state your name for the court. Nice start, Henry. You're doing great. It's me, Glenn Close. You may have heard of me from my band, the Glenn Close Trio, or some of my other side projects. Mr. Close, we'd like to start today by addressing some of the accusations leveled against you by the opposing counsel. Oh, hell yeah. I'm sorry, this is not an outright objection, but I would like to make sure that we swear in Glenn Close.

Oh, yes. So that he is liable for any perjure that he is sure to commit. Objection! That's, you can't just say that he's going to lie. You don't know that. Glenn holds his hand up. Who's going to smack it? And I high five, yeah. And then right before you can, I'm going to roll dexterity to like do the thing where I run my hands through my hair and go, ooh. Glenn, what are you doing? Don't do that! 17 plus three, 20. All right. Do you want to roll opposed dexterity, Will? No.

Okay. Ron does the same thing. The hair thing too. He's like, yeah, there's a special attorney client sign-in privilege there.

Henry is just left hanging with his hand in the air. And he's like, I don't understand. Why did you do that? I don't. Okay. Anyway, Glenn looks around. It's a long, uncomfortable silence. And he reads the room. He's like, all right, all right. And he taps your hand begrudgingly. Thank you, Mr. Close. I was definitely going to at the very end of your testimony, if you hadn't done that, be like, okay. And none of that is entered into evidence. Okay.

I was full on going to do that. All right. Mr. Close, let me direct your attention to our encounter with the library. Can you tell us in your own words about what happened when you saw Aaron O'Neill get knocked out? Yeah, we were in a big old fight.

life and death on the line. And I made the move to get rid of the threat in front of us, knowing full well that there's a member in my party who can heal people and bring them back to life better than I can. And that my use was better spent distracting the library to win the fight. So you were thinking of the benefit of the greater good, you would say? Yeah, obviously the greater good. The greater good, right?

And I turn to the jury and I say, good. And then I point to my head, like, remember that jury. Moving right along. Wait, I want to talk about the library. Can we take just for a second? Who were we fighting there? We were... I'm not on trial. You're on trial. We were fighting the library. An interdimensional monster...

that lends books to people and takes their skin. Is that not right? That's what we were fighting. Yes, it's true, because I'm saying it. That's a good point. How did that fight go? We won that fight, as we do all of our fights. We won that fight, and would you say that we purged this land of a great and terrifying evil? Objection. That calls for speculation. The library is in good standing with this court, or was while it was alive. It's eight children!

Interesting. Legally. Sustained. Do you think, Glenn, that a court which is in good standing with an eldritch child-eating monster should be capable of judging the goodness and badness of a separate person? Objection. The court is not on trial here. Sustained. Oh, he did it! He fucking did the move!

Let us now bring our attention to a separate incident. This would be our encounter with the water mice. Dad, is there like a rules lawyer that we can call in? A rules... And as he begins to say rules lawyer, you hear from behind you at the defense table, well, actually, I'm not a lawyer, but I can clarify some rules for you. Under a fedora that is being tipped so hard it is vibrating past the spectrum of visible light, you see...

Well, Ashley has been watching the whole proceed from the court. I've never been so relieved that Radicus is gender neutral and therefore cannot be m'lady'd. M'ma person. I mean, that doesn't stop most fucking men.

Well, actually, I charmed that person. Can you read for me the text of what that spell is? Entered into evidence, your honor. One book, The Dungeon Master's Guide by Gary Gygax. Bill goes, yeah, okay, let's hear it. Well, actually, well, actually, it goes, charm person. Casting time, one action, range 30 feet, components VS. These guys do not use components at all. Duration one hour.

That creature is charmed by me until the spell ends or until you or your companions do anything harmful to it. The spell did not end at any point. There

Therefore, we did not do anything harmful to that dude. I don't care if he's throwing up, whatever he says. He clearly was into it. The spell continued to go and function. He wasn't harmed. No harm, no foul. I can't believe your sloppy-ass approach to spells is coming back to bite me in the ass. If the spell is charm, he does no harm. No!

No, that's what I'm talking about. I go for a high five. I go for a high five. Henry high fives the shit out of Glenn harder than he's ever high fived someone in his life. Now Glenn is double sworn in. No further questions from me, Your Honor, but I would like to bring in my co-counsel, Mr. Stampler. Hi. Hey, Ron. Hey. Oh, yes. Proceeding on the grounds that our client is a good person,

And I look at the jury and then I do the thing that Henry did pointing to his head, indicating the word good or whatever. Glenn, do you remember giving me, Ron Stampler, a compliment once that said that I was a cool dude? Yeah.

I think you are a cool dude, Ron. Has anybody ever given you a compliment before? Plenty of people, especially in the Yelp reviews for my band. Oh, that's so interesting. Do you believe that you have good judgment? I think my judgment's pretty darn great. And then, do you believe that people...

who give compliments are good people? Uh, I think they're pretty cool and pretty good. Well, therefore, Your Honor, according to my client and his objectively good judgment, he is a good person. Dang. Never thought of it that way before. I

I genuinely don't know how to object to what you've just said. That's right. That's right. You don't. You don't, Radicus. You don't know how to object. Good job, Ron. There's no objection here. Hey, guys, can I ask Glenn a question? Sure. Yeah. Sure. We've got this thing in the back, I think. Yeah. You guys crushed it. This is Daryl Wilson. I guess fourth chair now. Peyton is over there as third chair. Hey, Glenn. Yeah. So you and me, we both spent a week in the waiting room.

And you informed me that, like myself, you were reading a certain magazine. What magazine was that? Oh, that would be Highlights for Children. Highlights for Children. Interesting. Were there any other magazines there that you could have been reading? There was an old golf magazine, but it seemed out of date. Now, if I remember correctly, Highlights for Children, their main mission statement is helping children become their best selves through publishing content and creating experiences that engage, delight, and foster joyful learning. So like myself...

I believe that you had a week to prepare for this round. What did you do? You read a magazine specifically designed to help children, which you yourself have. That seems like the instinct of somebody that, like myself, is interested in being a good parent. Well, and also they got these, like, image searches. Good, good. That sounds a lot like somebody.

That's interesting. I believe what you're about to say was they have a good segment called Daditudes where they talk about good things you can do as a dad. Now, is that correct? Is that what you were about to say? Objection clearly leading the witness. I'm sorry. Sustained. Withdrawn. Withdrawn. Henry just yells withdrawn from across the room.

But I would like to put into evidence all issues of Highlights Children's Magazine that you have in your waiting room so that the jury themselves can see the good quality information that that magazine has that Glenn was clearly reading during the week while he prepped for this case. Thank you very much. All right, Matt, since you're the piece of shit that introduced this, if you can find me a PDF of a full issue of Highlights Magazine, I will send that to the jurors discord and they can review it.

Okay, I'm going to find some. I have the website up. Are they still publishing highlights? Oh, yeah. They had a whole thing about how to be a good parent during the pandemic and all sorts of stuff. The moment you say you're reading highlights, I was like, yes. We have one more line of questioning concerning your son, Nicholas. It is Nicholas, correct? The longest version of it. Or is Terry Jr. your kid? I can't remember which one is your kid. Answer the question, Glenn. laughter

No, my kid's Nick. Nick Close. Nick, that's right. Coolest kid ever lived. He looks more like you than Terry does. Okay, about your son, Nick. You've been asked about certain Christmas-related requests, including a drone. Yeah. Do you buy gifts for Nick? Yeah, all the time. Anything that he wants. This is like a close family tradition. A close family tradition, you would say. So does that mean you've bought gifts for your father?

Well, yeah, around the holiday season every year, we had this move where he'd dress up as one of those Salvation Army mall Santas, and I'd be standing next to him in like an elf outfit playing electric guitar solos over Christmas music backing tracks. And, you know, whatever we were able to pull from that, we'd split 50-50 and like buy each other gifts with, where the close family is kind of a real gift-giving family.

Would you say that your father is a good father, Glenn? I think he's all right. Definitely not the worst. He's been pretty cool my whole life. Bill nods. He's like, I'll take that. I'll take that. So you and then in your estimation, would you say that you've seen your father, a good father as a role model for your behavior with your son? Yeah. I mean, look at how cool I turned out. Bill leans over like way too far over the judges thing and like goes for a high five. Yeah.

High five. High five, son. I give him the high five. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Do you love your son? Yeah, I love Nick. Would you do anything to keep your son safe? Absolutely. Would you die for your son? Yeah. Not only would I die for him, he would die for me. We would die for each other. That's how deep our love and our bond goes. We have no more questions for this witness. Okay, let's do you guys. You guys have anything? I would like to bring into evidence a copy of the Merriam-Webster's Dictionary.

Freddie, if you could go to Google and type in close adjective dictionary. Got it.

Mr. Close, could you read number two in that adjective definition of the word close? Yeah, denoting a family member who is part of a person's immediate family, typically a parent or sibling. Would you say that you have a close relationship with your son, Nick?

Oh, hell yeah. And Mr. Close, what is your last name? Close. Oh, no further questions. I'm really proud of this whole team. Bill hears you say this like, are you sure? I hand signal to Payden to be like, ask me if I killed the squirrel in self-defense. Just kidding.

Just one more question, if you please, Your Honor, before we go to cross, if I may. And he steps out from the defense bench. He has robes that are way too long. Well, I was thinking that he was wearing like a suit, but only the top because he didn't expect he was going to have to stand up. So he's just wearing like, he's got like a suit jacket and a shirt and a tie, but just like jorts. He goes, Glenn, Glenn German, if that's your real name. Could you remind me the context under which you fought against

That squirrel that was recently entered into evidence? Oh, yeah. That squirrel tried to kill me, so I killed it first. Self-defense.

QED. I have nothing further, Your Honor. Bill goes, all right, time for cross. Radicus, it is your witness. Glenn crosses his arms and puts his feet up even higher. Wow. What a cool guy. Thank you. Sustained. I think we can all agree. Glenn Close is a cool guy. Unfortunately, I'm now going to enter that into evidence for the defense as an argument. Nice.

That's fair. I mean, we're not arguing today whether or not Glenn is a cool guy. Clearly, if we were, I would lose. But what we are arguing today is if he's a good person and a good father. You claim that you knew there was another member of your party who could bring Aaron back to life. Somebody who is better than healing at you. I believe that there was people on your team who were better at healing. They weren't near Aaron, of course, when she fell. You were. Who?

on your team could bring Aaron back to life? Tree man, Henry. Your honor, motion to make my official nickname tree man? Yeah, sustained, yeah. Alright. But no, I can't bring people back to life. I feel like I gotta be honest about that. What? What? I appreciate your honesty, tree man. Henry. What? You're not under oath even. You could have lied.

What do you mean? You can't bring people... You've done all kinds of crazy... Well, I can now. I just learned how to do that a little bit, but I couldn't back then, man. I'm sorry. I just want to make that clear. Well, I was acting under the assumption that you could. Nice. Nice. You...

You say you like to buy presents for your son, exchange presents as part of your ways that you express love toward your son. The Amazon wish list. Oh, excellent. So do you ever buy him things that aren't from Amazon? Well, yeah, sometimes Amazon doesn't have what I'm looking for, if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. Can you clarify?

Well, certain things aren't on Amazon, despite me having a Prime subscription. And sometimes even if you do have a Prime subscription, sometimes the things that you want take too long to ship. So sometimes it's just faster to just go to like a local like head shop and pick it up there. That makes perfect sense. Can you clarify? Sorry, I'm not. Can I lean into painted? What's up, daddy? Hey, finger tight. Tell him to say anything other than drugs. Do not let him talk about giving Nick drugs. All right, I'll do my best.

What does one purchase at a head shop? Anything other than drugs. Objection. Isn't the answer obvious, Your Honor? Overruled. Ron is 100% correct that it is clearly obvious to everybody in the court. You buy heads there.

I rescind my own comment, withdrawn. One purchases marijuana and marijuana-related goods at a head shop, correct? Objection. To what? On what grounds? We all knew that already. Badgering the witness. Why is she reminding? I'm afraid you're going to have to answer that question. See, you buy things that are not good.

at a head shop. Yeah, you can buy all kinds of cool stuff at a head shop. You can get beverages. You can get drinks. You can get like gum, candies. No, you can't actually get heads. Are you objecting to your own client? No objection. I feel like the lawyers have to know what is being said. Hi, Daryl does not know what a head shop is. I'm confused. Ron's saying it sells heads and you're saying it sells drugs. What's a head shop? Feels like Will Actually is here to answer this one. Well, then I have to Google it. Just a second.

A head shop is just like where you buy bongs and shit, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's such a bunch of fucking dorks. All right. Well, actually, again, tips is fedora. It says a head shop is a retail outlet specializing in paraphernalia used for the consumption of cannabis and tobacco and items related to cannabis culture and related countercultures. Some head shops, to be fair, also sell oddities such as antique walking sticks and sex toys.

What a selection. Well, there you have it, Your Honor. That did not go well for us, him reading that into evidence, Daryl. I sit back down. Antique walking sticks? That's what Google says. And antique sex toys. I feel like you're missing out if you're not buying an antique walking stick when you're buying a bunch of drugs. I learned that Pure One Imports is a head shop. Well, actually, I mean, sorry, not well, actually, but well...

Anyways, somebody in the back of the court goes, yeah. No. Judge, can I get ruling on my objection, please? Yeah, overrule. Okay. I sit down. The thing is that if paraphernalia is brought at these head shops, then there is no illegal drugs being purchased at said head shops. Therefore, there's a he's good person.

You're right. Glenn, have you ever bought your son weed? Let me think about this. No. No, I have not. Does your son know how to smoke weed? Yeah, he does. How did he...

How did he learn, do you think? Oh, I mean, like, there's a lot of great YouTube videos out there. Some of those guys on YouTube even better than I am, actually, honestly. All kinds of tricks. Have you seen these tricks? Glenn kind of plays the role of it. Have you seen these vape tricks? They're kind of hitting their neck, and there's all the things that come out. It's crazy. Are you good at smoking weed? I think I'm above average.

Oh, that's very impressive. How did you get so good? I learned from the best and I hold a high five out for Bill Close. Bill's already got his hand out. When you turn his hand is already out. He's stretching as hard as he can. It's like in fucking Haikyuu when the set is already there.

for fucking the minute i'm talking about for those haiku fans will know exactly what i'm talking about you fans know there's an entire sort of storyline about how the main character is just like good at jumping and spiking and without even looking the set is already there for him that's exactly what happened here in this courtroom today haiku is submitted into evidence what are some other ways that you express your love for your son

Oh, man. Let's see here. A game with him. We're to call a duty clan together. I would consider that child abuse, but that's fine. Objection. Sustained. Sustained. Have you taught your son to play guitar? Oh, yes. But he kind of wanted to play other instruments, though. Have you taught your son to roll a blunt? Yes, I have. He got really good at it. Under your tutelage, I'm sure.

Have you taught him how to smoke so that he can do it and not look like super lame in front of other kids? Now, he already had that. No, he already had that. Interesting. This is killing us. I'm just like, Peyton, tell him to stop doing this. Tell him to just, you know, we can't. I don't know. It sounds like he's making a great case for being proud of his son. And yeah, I think you're doing a good job, Glenn.

I have a couple questions. Very quietly, Ron said, I think you're doing a good job. And Glenn is like, oh, thanks, Ron. You know, I think I had a couple more things that I would have asked, but I hopefully, I think you're doing great. I think we got a chance here. How,

does your son know how to hotwire a car? Well, you know, I feel like there's a number of skills that every growing boy should learn. How to change a tire in the rain, how to fix your electronics by Googling stuff, and also how to hotwire a range of automobiles in case you're ever in a scrape and you got to get out of it. Sure, that makes perfect sense. What other skills do you think are extremely important for a youth to know? Oh yeah, like how to take a punch.

You know, like that's huge for sure. That actually came in handy, didn't it? For your son when you put him up in that child fight, right? Well, no, actually, because that child fight, if I recall, we made it so that arranged it, if you will, with my fourth chair over there to throw that fight. Fixed it, baby. Fixed the fight. The fix was in. Peyton, Peyton. Well, no, that's probably not a good thing. Shit.

Wait, actually, that might be better than him not fixing the fight, though, right? Like he's like. That's true. That's true. Excellent. It's clear that you've set your son up for a certain kind of life and to succeed at a certain kind of life. Yeah, I've taught him from the school of hard knocks. Normally, people learn that from a bad source. Huh? No, but I'm good. OK, OK, sure.

You said when you were on the stand earlier that your son would die for you. You know, I don't actually know that. I feel like we have that kind of like rapport, though. You know, I mean, I see. So it's a metaphor. Not literally. You would die for him and he would die for you. No, I would die for Nick. Nick is a cool dude. And I think that that bond is what keeps us the most powerful father son duo in the game. Well, that's beautiful. But did you just say?

It's okay, Payne. Payne's standing up and you can see his shorts and then you make him sit right down. So what you're saying is you don't feel even a little bit of remorse for him.

for any of the crimes that I levied against you in my round of witnesses. Objection, we have not sustained... I don't know how to say this. They're not crimes yet. She can't say for crimes. Sustained. Counsel will have to rephrase. Fair. I don't see them as crimes. That's... You're right. I withdraw. Wait, sorry. You don't have to withdraw. I sustain it. It's mine now. I have it. Well, let me just ask this broadly. Do you feel any remorse for any of the activities that were listed? I don't think...

Even though we fixed that fight, I got the money from fixing that fight. I think we walked out of there and I got ripped off by that bully wugs.

We should go have a word with the Bullywugs. Hey, guys, we gotta go back to that Bullywugs. They owe us. The thing that you're most upset about after putting your son up in a child fight is that you didn't get the money that you bet on him. I would phrase it differently. I would phrase it as the group venture that we engaged in was not fruitful despite both of us doing... No, sorry, all three of us. I kind of wink over at Peyton. Doing our jobs to the height of our abilities. I don't think I...

I don't think I have any more questions for this witness. Thought not. Evanescence raises a finger and Evan says, I have something, if I may. Please. Evanescence hops off of his chair and he goes, you mentioned that when you charmed that person, you could know for certainty that you would never harmed him because the charm spell had not worn off, correct? You have to ask, well, actually, I'm not a rules lawyer. Well, actually, is that what you said? Yeah, that's what I said. Thank you, well, actually. I can't give that to Anthony. What was the last thing you did to that guard that you charmed? What did I do?

I honestly don't remember. I will remind you. Okay, yeah, hit me. According to the transcript, you ordered him back into the warehouse, correct? I disagree with that characteristic. I don't order anybody to do anything. I kind of just lay out the... You asked him to go back into the warehouse. You suggested that he go back to the warehouse. Sure, why not? If that is the case, then the second he went inside the warehouse, he was confused by the drugs that were inside. He was potentially vomiting and he had amnesia. Would you say that somebody in those circumstances...

could be aware that they had been harmed. Having been in that circumstance myself, yes, I think you can. So let's say he did get harmed.

He did not come back outside. Is that your evidence that he was not harmed? I'm just the witness here. I don't know what you're talking about. What is it? Okay. So how can you prove to me that he was not harmed? That's kind of your job. Good point. I'll rephrase. You can go ahead. Would you argue that if someone went into a room where they immediately gained amnesia, started vomiting and started floating, that that would be hard. I call that a good time.

You don't agree that that is harm? I'd say, where's that room? And point me to it. Sounds like a pretty rockin' mosh pit. Evanescence just flicks a hand up and goes, no more questions. And goes back to the... I know, right? This guy's just like, what are you even doing with him? My goodness. Oh my god. I think we're doing really well, though. Objection. Can the jury strike that? They're commenting on our... It's not even really stonewalling. It's more like a jelly wall where you just hit it and it comes off. He just takes it and gives it back to you worse than you gave it. It's slimy and comes back. Hello, I...

would like to redirect. Uh, yeah, go ahead. Redirect. Redirect, uh, to ask a few more questions to this witness. All right.

Who are your parents? Well, that'd be Bill over there. My mom's name was Christine. And do you think that your parents were good parents? I mean, look, I think everybody tries their best and I think they did a pretty good job. So you think that they tried? Yeah. Could you list three things that they taught you? I would say that my dad, Bill, instilled in me a love of music.

You know, because he was a roadie with a lot of these bands. And whenever he was around, he'd be around during Christmas time. We would do this. We would do this move where he would dress. Could you do it faster? Could you do? Could you list the things they taught you faster? He instilled with me a love of music.

The value of a good, repeatable grift? And he also taught me maybe the most important lesson, which is you can't harsh anyone else's vibe. What did your mom teach you? My parents were separated pretty early on, and I spent a lot of time with my mom, and I guess she taught me, you know, rules and boundaries, and, you know, my dad taught me that rules and boundaries are meant to be broken, if I were to sum up my childhood. Okay, that sounds pretty conflict-ridden. Um, moving on, um...

How old was your son Nick when your wife died? I mean, it was some years back. He was seven years old. Was your wife Morgan, in your opinion, a good mom, a good parent? Yeah, I think of the both of us, she would have been the much better parent. So in effect, your honor and the jury, and I look around, you're trying to be good enough for...

when you never really had two parents yourself, wouldn't it make sense then that there could be some lacking in parental skill but still good effort in parenting? Good fathering, but not good results. I will answer this question... LAUGHTER

I think that it is possible that maybe Glenn was trying to make up for this other half of himself that would have made a much better parent. And so in doing that, at least he is trying to be a good parent. That's it.

And trying is all of the battle. What's the thing that they say in GI Joe? I stand up. I go exactly what Ron said. Look at this guy, his role model, his dad is here as a judge accusing him of being a bad dad. And yet, despite all that,

Nick's safe. Nick is alive in this crazy world. And Glenn's done this all on his own. He's made some mistakes. But compared to this asshole judge up here, who's responsible for making Glenn contempt. Contempt. You know what you're doing? Daryl, Daryl, sit down. Even Glenn's like, whoa, whoa. Hey, come on now. That's my pops. Objection to myself. Yeah. No, I mean, I was going to object that this case is even still going because it's so obvious. For what it's worth, also, it wasn't my idea to bring up charges for my kid.

FYI. Yeah, that's generally not how the courts work. It's usually not a personal vendetta on the judge's part. The judge themselves get to decide who goes in. Willie had me do it. I'm sorry. I didn't realize that this court had any rules considering the first five minutes we experienced in here. Objection. Sorry, I didn't know. What was going on? It was Willie's idea to bring up charges on you. So I did it. So anyway, is that all the questions you have left for my boy? Is it...

I think so. I have one remaining question for Glenn. We'll allow it. Thank you. Glenn, do you think Morgan would approve of the way that you are raising your son? Objection. Speculation. Objection. Too sad.

This is maybe the one thing that actually has made Glenn kind of deep into himself. Think for a second and kind of not answer. He has not answered this. And he sort of is just sort of staring off into the distance here, reminiscing. I won a moral back to victory. Second objection. Just cheap shot. Wow. Rude. I'll give you a cheap shot. No further questions.

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witnesses is missed and he slams the gavel down again and glenn again goes through the portal for a week and it goes back to the fucking table here's another copy of highlights for children like this one too man this fucking bullshit okay guys that went i think pretty well for us it seems like the only thing left to establish is that nick is happy and likes glenn and i feel like if we can do that we can all go home right this feels like the easiest adventure yet this feels like no problem henry don't say that every time you say that the opposite happens

I don't think I've ever said that. I don't think that can be proven in this court or any. Great, now he's turned into a legal legal. Don't make me charge you, Henry. Objection. I don't like it about my dad's fight.

All I was going to say is, you know, how do we know if we bring Nick into the court? Like, are they going to steal Nick? That's my only worry here. Can we maybe get like a sworn affidavit that, you know, they're not going to steal Nick or something we can secure, you know, with Nick to make sure that doesn't happen? Is there some way to do that? You guys think we like to bring the attention to the court that we're concerned about bringing a certain witness because somebody of the court, mainly the judge, the good judge, the

Highest authority, you're honored. You know, no shade thrown to you. Just we believe that somebody of this court will try to steal our witness as has been threatened multiple times. Oh, you think I'm going to steal Nick again? Yeah. I mean, you've said you want to. OK, yeah. No, you got me there. I have experienced a certain thing called a blood pact. I think you should do a blood pact.

saying that you will not steal Nick or allow any harm to come to Nick or in any way take Nick away from Glenn while we are in this court or any point thereafter. Well, we'll come up with like the exact legal language to make sure there's no shenanigans because let's be honest. You're the lawyer. You're the one who has to come up with the legal language. Yeah, we'll come up. I'm saying we'll come up with it, but we'll do a blood pact. I think I can do a blood pact. So here's the blood pact. While court is in session, I will do nothing to Nick versus

verbally, physically, kidnappingly, that Nick or the dads, being you guys, do not consent to for the duration of the trial. And you may not do it, but you can't be part of the conspiracy. Nor by inaction may I allow that to happen, nor can I by conspiracy or allyship or anything like that allow that to happen. Okay, as long as Will actually notarizes it, I'm fine with that. Great.

So Bill reaches out his hand, slices it with a knife. One of you is going to have to shake hands with him. I'll shake hands. I've already done this. I don't want to do it. Oh, wait, I'll do it. And then I'm going to do the thingy where you like brush your hair back.

He tries to go for your hand. You brush your hair back and he goes, oh, good one. I like that Ron slices his hand open first and then does it and just winds up with a blood streak in your hair. That'd be so badass. Also, I feel like I'm pretty sure the Ron that I play in my head is bald and I think the idea of him having a red stripe sort of down the middle. It's like Braveheart. Like Wilson from fucking Castaway. Yeah.

So he goes, all right, Glenn, give me your hand. Let's do this. All right, let's do it. All right, cuts you open. You both bleed onto a piece of parchment. Will actually looks it over, and he says, this looks well-tight, actually. Well-tight? No, this looks pretty watertight, actually. Actually, the phrase is watertight, well, actually. He starts to vibrate. His whole body just starts to tremble. He explodes. He killed him. Damn. He explodes like the T-1000, but the hat is left, and then like the T-1000, he reforms under the hat. All right.

So he stamps it with a Watchman smiley face stamp. I'm dead. And then hands it to Glenn. The defense calls Nick Close to the stand. He slams his gavel down, wave of purple. And Nick Close comes yelling as he gets pulled in to the courtroom. The doors fly open. Your son is like, this is awesome.

And then he sits down in the witness chair. All right. Now look at this happy kid. Hey, Nick, you look like a happy kid. That's all. Bye. Wait, why am I saying bye? I'm nervous. No, just kidding. What is he doing? Nick immediately puts his feet up. He goes, hey, dad, what's up? Hey, how's it going?

Sorry about no highlights for children in the waiting room over there. I took them all. Don't worry. They were all filled out. I wouldn't want to read highlights for children anyway. I want to read highlights for adults. No, yeah. Nick, hi, it's me, Henry Oak. I'm friends with your dad. Yeah, hey, Nick, this guy's cool. Friends seems like a stretch, but yeah, I know you. Fair enough. So do you swear to be a cool guy and tell the truth and all that? And I hold my hand up for a high five. I high five him. I say, great. Nick, can you...

Tell us a little bit about your dad. Yeah, my dad's awesome. Nice. He's the coolest. Those are the first two things you need to know about him. The third, he's dope. Fourth, he's my dad, so I came from him. He's a musician. Yeah. He's taking care of me all on his own, you know. Okay. Loves Disneyland. Great. Is that something that you guys do as you go to Disneyland together? Sometimes, yeah, yeah. Would you say you and your dad have a good relationship? Oh, yeah.

Oh, the best. Everybody at school, they say, oh, we wish our dad was as cool as yours. We wish we were as tight as you are with your tight dad. And I'm like, yeah, tight dad. I agree. I didn't know they said that. All right. France has said that multiple times. I want to get your head too big. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I feel you. Would you say that you love your dad? For sure. And do you think that your dad loves you? Yeah. Are you a happy kid for the most part? Um...

How happy? What are we talking about? Moving on to the next question. Would you say that... I would like to remind the court that it is not cool to be happy. In this economy.

Moving on to the next question. Your dad buys you fun gifts, right? Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that make you happy when you get those gifts? I mean, he doesn't love giving a gift. Yeah. OK, so that seems cool. And would you say that your dad is there for you when things are tough, like when you're feeling sad, like when you're down in the dumps? A lot of the time. Yeah. I mean, sometimes he's on tour, you know, so. So you feel like he's, you know, for the really tough stuff, though, he's there for you. Yeah. When he's there, he's there, as I say. You know, he's present for me. We hang out.

You know, I feel bad. I come home crying. He's like, hey man, you want to watch Face Off? I'm like, do I ever not want to watch Face Off? And he's like, we watch Face Off. This is going really well, Henry. Yeah, thanks, Ron. So your dad cheers you up when you're sad. He supports you. He provides for you. So you would say that he's a good father. Yeah, he's my best friend. And he's doing that all on his own, right? Mm-hmm. I can't imagine how tough it was for you two when you lost your mom. Is that something that you feel like he's been able to take over and like he's been able to help you through all those feelings around that? Yeah.

I don't really have any feelings about it. You know, it's not, it was not, I was young. It's not a big deal. You know, in the words of Dominic Toretto, you know, I live my life a quarter mile at a time and I do that with the road ahead of me, not the road behind me. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. And, uh, Henry is going to now roll a bluff check to see if people can tell that he doesn't know who Dom Toretto is because he does not know. Yeah.

So Henry got a seven. So he's like, yeah, for sure. From the protagonist of the Fast and Furious. Yeah. I look, I'm like, you don't watch Fast and Furious. I was going to make a Dom DeLuise joke. Yeah. I've watched Cannonball Run, like the zany car movie with Dom.

Toretto. Henry, just clarify no bad feelings though, right? Just clarify that. You don't have any bad feelings about your dad or, you know, right? No, no. I got nothing, nothing bad about dad. Ha ha. Okay. So we've established that you love your dad. Your dad loves you. He supports you. You're happy most of the time and you don't feel sad about your mom. Uh, okay. That's it for me guys. Uh, I give the floor to my co-counsels. Uh,

Nick, do you think that your dad should be allowed to not be killed or put in labor for the rest of his life or whatever the punishment was going to be for this if he was guilty? Good one, Ron. Yeah, that's good. Which he's not. My take on it is you can't punish a guy for a crime he doesn't get caught doing. And if there's anybody good at not getting caught doing crimes, it's going to be my dad. Finger guns just like fucking through the roof. Come on. Come on.

It's like looking in a mirror, only not. See anything you like?

But basically, yeah, you don't want that to happen to your dad, right? No, of course not. Okay, right, right. Okay, well, I've wrapped this up, as you said to do, Henry. I have one question before Glenn here, a great dad that he is, is going to close this thing out. Are there video games in this world, Judge? In this world?

No, unfortunately. Damn, guys. We could have blamed it on video games as a bad parenting. Well, there's video games in our world. Oh, that's true. So there's... Oh, that might be really complicated. Are you a gamer, son? Do you play video games? Would you say that you are, as of now, winning, son? No.

Oh my goodness. I'm part of a Destiny clan. I'm part of a Call of Duty clan. Yeah, I'm pretty good at games. Not a Fortnite guy. That's more Grant's thing. But yeah, no, I pop some headies in my time. Sorry, what? We'll see how this goes. We can always appeal if we need to and play video games. That usually works. Hey, Nick.

They said that it's a crime that I go to Disneyland while you're at school. Now, let me ask you a question real quick. What are the lines at Disneyland the shortest? Uh, when I'm at school. Yeah, exactly. And do I ever get you, like, some stuff? I've got some cool Galaxy's Edge stuff. Yeah, yeah. You like Star Wars, right? Yeah, who doesn't? Yeah. Yeah. Objection leading, and also, I don't know what any of this is. Sustained. Sustained.

How do you feel about Disneyland? Uh, am I under oath? And Bill looks at me and goes, yeah. Nick goes, I don't, uh...

I don't love Disneyland. I'm not a big Disney guy. Wait, really? Yeah, I didn't want to harsh your buzz. Oh. I'm more of a Universal Studios kind of, like, I don't like Harry Potter anymore. Objection, badgering the witness. Wait, hold on. No, no, no. What? Say that again. Objection. Overruled. All overruled. Yeah, I like Universal Studios. The T2, the 3D experience. Universal Studios? The T2?

There's the mummy ride. The fucking place where there's a Jurassic... Wait, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jurassic Park is like Splash Mountain, but better because it's got dinosaurs. What do you want me to tell you? Sorry. While they were fighting, I would like their voices to fade out while I explain that the true sign of love is to vehemently disagree with another person and yet still be related to them.

And I feel like as they are arguing while I'm making this argument, that is what they show. A true love that transcends theme parks. Therefore proving unequivocally that Glenn is truly a DILF of Disneyland. That is a dedicated, involved, loving father who prefers Disneyland. Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that you like...

They had to try dinosaurs over the critters on Splash Mountain, Nick? I'm just saying, if they fought, the dinosaurs would win every time. Also, they were replacing that Glenn, because that was problematic even 20 years ago. Don't you get it on this, Daryl. I was like, what movie is this from? And you're like, ah. And it's like, that's so weird that it's still been there this whole time. There's a giant minion over Universal Studios. Dad, dad.

I really like the minions. Oh my God. Move to strike. Move to strike. Glenn, Glenn, we got to go. Okay. That's it. We have no more questions for this witness. Oh no, I have questions. No. The difference rests. You look pulling him away from the witness stand. Wait, hold on. Glenn, Glenn. What? Do you want your kid? Glenn, do you want to get out of here? Then stop being a fucking jackass moron. You're yelling at your kid about an amusement park. Who gives a shit, you colossal dumbass? Shut the fuck up.

Oh, just, he's, he's just been, he, hmm. Glenn sits down and starts scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. In fact, he starts scribbling furiously in between finger tuts to Nick, which is like minions, question mark? Minions? And hit Nick finger tuts like, minions, period, minions.

Nick finger touched back. Banana. Can I put into evidence a really cute moment between Glenn and Nick right there where they're both finger touching? And that seemed really cute. That seemed like a thing. Good. Does everybody see that in court? Sure. I can put that in evidence. Yeah. Cool. That was pretty cool. They have a secret language. That's nice. I wish we had a secret language. I could read it, though, and it wasn't that sweet. So Bill says, all right, Radicus, your witness. Let's just let everybody take a deep breath after that heated conversation.

You know, you come into this courtroom ready to hash things out, but sometimes it just gets so angry. Objection. I don't know. What's the objection, Henry? That felt rude. Objection. Mean. And I wasn't angry. I'm just so surprised. I don't even know what to... It's just like my whole world is collapsing around me right now. That's okay. That's okay. We withdraw our objection. Your dad's pretty cool, right, Nick? I think that understates it. He's very cool.

He's a very cool guy. Do you wish you were cool like your dad? Oh, very much so. Yeah.

How do you get cool like your dad is? I mean, you got to be good at playing guitar. You got to be good at talking to other people. Got to be charming. You know, got to be funny, quick with a joke. Got to be good at doing stuff without getting caught. You got to get the apple freeze and Cars Land. You know, I'm not a big Cars guy, but they got the apple freeze and that's really good. Got to have my bowl. Got to have cereal. It's Friday, Friday. Do you have to be a good person, do you think? Yeah.

Uh, I don't know what you mean. That's fair. Would you do some things that you wouldn't normally do otherwise because you want to be cool like your dad? I think the big reason that my dad and I get along is because all the stuff that I want to do is stuff that he wants to do, you know, so I don't quite. I mean, yeah, I mean, when we go to Disneyland, sometimes I want to go to like Universal. And sometimes when, you know, Glenn's like, hey, let's let's let's just chill out and watch Face Off. I want to like.

go into my room and like be alone and stuff but like that's that i mean that's not it's not it's not an all the time thing yeah no but it's easier just to do what glenn likes i mean yeah it's what friendship's about right you know you hang out with your friends your friends need you so you know you chill i never wanted to harsh my dad's buzz so you know we we hang out and he doesn't harsh my buzz it's a good thing we got going guys i don't like where this is going i mean he is your father not not your friend he's both he's my father friend he's my ff he's my bfff

Would you ever, say, smoke weed or fight somebody who is way bigger than you are if your dad asked you to? Because it would make you a cool guy. Oh, for sure. Everybody at school, you say, thinks you have a cool dad. Oh, yeah, they love him. But, you know, you don't have to feel that way. Objection. This lawyer is telling people how to feel. Yeah, I'll sustain that. I'll sustain that. I can't imagine you want to say anything bad about your dad. So let's instead, let's talk about you.

It's just been you and your dad for kind of a while now. Yep, since I was seven, so about five years. Has that been lonely for you? Uh, I mean, not when I'm with him. When I'm with him, it's cool. Like, everything's cool, everything's chill. Are you left alone very often? A fair amount. He's got to do some gigs, got to keep food on the table. So yeah, you know, sometimes I'm making dinner by myself for, you know, weeks at a time. But that's normal. That's how we do. It's how the close boys do.

How much of the year would you say you actually spend with your father? So I'm definitely with Glenn for about seven, eight months of the year. Once we get into that sort of Halloween-y, Thanksgiving-y, Christmas-y, New Year's Eve season. It just keeps moving back every year. I keep saying that. It keeps getting further and further back. It used to be just a Thanksgiving. Now it's a Halloween. Objection! That's one of those things people say to make small talk, but if you look at the data, it's not really true. It pretty much always is. Once Halloween's done, it's Christmas time, and it's been that way for a really long time. Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest. Withdrawn. Ha ha ha!

Nick, do you ever wish you could spend the holidays with your dad? Oh, all the time. Yeah, for sure. Would you want him to give up his music if that meant you got to spend more time with him? I mean, I feel like his music means a whole lot to him. I don't think I would ask him to do that. That's a very sweet thing for you to say, even though you are his child. So shouldn't he be trying to accommodate you sometimes, don't you think? Objection. That's a bad court thingy. You can't say that. That's just his opinion. No.

It would be lack of, he's not an expert in parenting. He's a child. I'm asking about his personal needs and wants. I'm going to go ahead and overrule that. Damn. So go ahead and ask that question again, because I think that Nick forgot what you were saying. Do you ever feel like your father gives things up for you or is accommodating for your needs and your desires? I don't, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know a whole lot about his, what he has to give up or really anything. Cause like,

Again, RE, the whole no bad vibes kind of deal. Like, we're cool dudes who hang out as much as we can. Sometimes I need stuff, but I don't really feel like, you know, he needs to know about that, so I don't tell him. And he probably needs stuff and doesn't tell me. We're like cool bros. We don't want to make it weird, you know? So if he has...

that he could give up to make my life easier. I guess I wouldn't know about it because, like, you know, we got that Kubrow shield between us. I mean, sometimes other people harsh your buzz, right? Oh, yeah, all the time. Yeah, you're like... World's full of haters. Yeah, absolutely. Then they bring you down and they really, they make you feel bad. Sometimes they hurt you. Do you feel when you have those experiences that you have somebody you can talk to about how you're feeling? Uh, nah.

But you have somebody you can hang out with and have fun with. Yeah, and that's better. Why would I want to talk about stuff when I could blaze it on Call of Duty and get my killstreaks? I could prestige three times. Talking comes and goes. Prestige in Call of Duty is forever. Ha ha ha!

Sounds like those video games are putting the wrong ideas in his head. Am I right, everybody? Look around the court. We call Senator Joseph Lieberman to the stand. Good impression. Oh, my God. The political humor. On this season of Politically Incorrect in 2002. Nick DiBiase.

Nick, do you think fun is all that you need in life? Glenn's shaking his head up and down like, yeah, obviously. Yeah, obviously. Do you ever wish you had somebody to talk to? Yeah, I mean, every once in a while. Like, I'll have those thoughts about like, you know,

I mean, I don't even really like to think about it, but yeah, sometimes I have thoughts like that, but then it's just, you do something else, you know? You just, you know, you can't be sad if you're doing something else, so just, I focus on other stuff. I prestige again. I play some guitar. I don't smoke weed. And he winks very significantly at his dad. Yeah, no, so I do, but you know, it's fleeting. Those thoughts are fleeting.

This has made, out of character, made me so depressed and sad for Nick. I'm like, struggling to bring the hammer home. I just want to give this poor kid a hug. Objection. If they want Nick to have somebody to talk to so bad, why don't they talk to him themselves? I think I am. Yeah, I'm going to withdraw that. Do you ever think that

You could have a relationship with your dad where you tell him about your thoughts and your feelings. Oh, no, that's not the point. I mean, if I may be so bold, you sound a little bit like a narc right now. You sound a little bit like a buzzkill. I am a prosecutor, so yes. Oh, yeah. You know what? This whole thing just clicked for me. Narc. I plead the fifth. Shit. I should have pleaded the fifth from the beginning. Plead the fifth. Fifth, fifth, fifth, fifth, fifth. Retroactive fifth. No more questions. Glenn pumps his fist like, yes, nailed it.

Nick points his finger back at his dad, extremely happy that they're not talking about the Universal Studios thing anymore. So Bill goes, all right, this is your last witness. Do you have any redirect questions? We have one redirect question. Nick, am I a good dad? Yeah. No further questions. I think we got this one, guys. Okay, I think I know how to handle this in our clothes. Okay, yeah. It is time for closing arguments. First of all, I'm going to go ahead and dismiss the witness and he slams his anvil down again.

And Nick goes, oh, by the way, fuck all y'all haters. Yeah. And he puts everybody off as he flies through the sky and heads back in the direction that he came into another off-screen adventure with Walter and the boys. The judge goes, okay, so first on closing statements is the prosecution. Gentlemen and ladies and agendered members of the jury.

I was brought here for a very simple task today, and that was to prove that Glenn Close was a bad father and a bad person. There's some overlap between those two, I would argue, and I would argue that you've seen quite a few statements, some of them from Glenn's own mouth.

proving that he is a bad person and a bad father. His own son refers to him as a friend, not a father. We've seen him commit crimes over and over again. He's a smoke-wielding, hotwire-carring degenerate that should be taken off the streets. And Nick, that poor, poor sweet young boy...

Nick needs somebody who can take care of him, who will listen when he talks, who won't just run roughshod over his feelings, who won't yell at him in a public court of law because of a simple disagreement. Nick deserves better. And so do the people of this country. I rest my case. Well done. Well done. All right, Henry. Henry gets up and straightens an imaginary tie and shuffles some papers. And he walks up and says to the jury.

When I first met Glenn, I'll be honest, I didn't like him that much. I still don't think you kind of like me. I'll be honest, I still don't like Glenn that much. Yeah, that's what I thought. Glenn is annoying and kind of irresponsible. He's a little dumb. Cool. You know, I try to be an open-minded person. I try not to judge people, but I think with Glenn, I struggle with that the most. Dang. Narc on my own team. I think we've seen a lot of sides of Glenn today, and he's a complicated man.

And I believe that we've seen good things in addition to bad things. I think we've seen a father who's willing to risk his life, not just for his son, but for my son. I've seen Glenn put his life on the line for my son. And that complicates my picture of Glenn. I've seen Glenn charge into battle. I've seen Glenn stand up for what's right. And I've seen Glenn do some stuff that really drives me crazy. I think he's a complicated man. Do I think that Glenn is a great father? No. I think

Mostly he's a mediocre father. But I'll ask you this. Is there a law against being a mediocre father? Is Glenn on trial for being mediocre? No. Is Glenn bad? Absolutely not. You know who's bad? My dad. You know who's bad? Ron's dad. You know who's bad?

Glenn's dad, probably. No offense, Your Honor. But this is a man who's trying. Let's consider just for a moment what would happen to Nick if he was taken away from this man who loves him, who he loves, who supports him financially, who takes care of him, who is his friend. And that's not a term that I choose to denigrate being a friend. Could Glenn be a better father? Yes. Could he be a better friend to his son? No, I don't think so.

But what do we think would happen to Nick if he was taken away from Glenn? Glenn, his father, would be trapped in this world forever. He would be separated from this person who he loves. That would bring him inconceivable trauma. We already know that the poor boy is still processing his feelings over the death of his mother. Imagine what the trauma of losing his father would do on top of that. So when you go to that jury booth or voting booth or whatever you do with the jury in this world, I want you to think,

about a man who is trying to be a good man. I want you to think about what will happen to this good son if his father is taken away from him. And I want you to acquit Glenn Close of being a bad father and a bad person because he is a good person and he is an okay father. I rest my case. Ron starts the... What a log!

Slow clap. Slow clap. And we try and get other people. I'm going to roll persuasion to persuade the court to slow clap. Yes, do it. 10 plus 11, 21. Slowly, the rest of the audience, the rest of the court starts to clap along with you. And Radicus starts to do Evanescence is standing on the top of his chair.

I mean, he's going away. And then Glenn stands up. I want to use this distraction as an excuse to kind of like stumble over to the pile of loot where our stuff is and try and retrieve one item. Give me a slide. I would say it's disadvantage because it's like in front of everybody, but they're also clapping. That's why the clapping was happening. That breaks even. And yeah, give me a slide, Van. 15 plus 5, 20. All right. You can take one item. As everyone's kind of slow clapping. If you grab your gun right now, I'm going to fucking lose my mind.

No, I don't think I find my gun. Over the course of everyone's slow clapping, I like stand up and I try and rile up the crowd. And then my natural rock star charisma kind of gets people into a low thrum, a low murmur. And during this distracted sort of moment, I sidle over to it and I slide the rolling pin up my sleeve. Ooh. The magical rolling pin. As though entire court is clapping along with you, all these hardened criminals and stuff, and even the jury immediately...

Bill was like, the jury can't clap. Stop it. Danielle Peck in her cage with her wings. Yeah, Danielle Peck's like, you know what? I changed my mind. You won me over. It cuts to Danielle Peck and then you hear like the sound of the court through the bars and it's like, you hear that? The sound of justice. I like to think she actually is a really small bird and she's just insecure and was looking to us in the inside of the cage is when we finally see her. She's just lifting weights in front of a picture of a huge bird. And her attitude suddenly makes sense now.

Yeah, now the whole attitude makes sense. So Bill clamps his gavel down on the gavel coaster and he goes, all right, all right, order, order, order, order. Here's what's going to happen now. Everybody's going to go back to the meth bay supermax while the jury deliberates. Once the jury figures out what's going to happen, you'll either be convicted or not. And if you're convicted, then we'll move on to sentencing. But for now, Bill Close says raising his gavel one final time. Court is adjourned.

♪ It's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ Even if you die, it'll be alright ♪ ♪ It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright, it'll be alright, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ All you do is try, it'll be alright ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. This episode featured special guest, Janice Stieber, once again, playing Radicus Finch. You can find her at TheJenna, one word, on Twitter. And we'll see you next time.

Hey, Beth here. I just wanted to give a quick shout out to my friends Martha Harrison and Danielle Peck.

One of my rare friends who actually listens to the podcast. I just want to say that I love you guys. And Danielle, I hope that you get well soon. You guys mean so much to me and I'm thinking about you. And so is the whole podcast crew now because we're all family. Want to throw a quick special thanks out to all the Patreon supporters who helped us out for these past two episodes.

Thank you to...

These folks were drawn from our ranks of Patreon supporters, all of whom who would not hesitate for one second to testify against Glenn. These moral pillars of society include among them folks like...

Thank you.

Edie Deagle, Brian Ferguson, and Tyson Olson. Thank you all so much. You can find bonus content on our Patreon like a Walter Payton bonus one-shot as well as uncut episodes, an after-episode chat show called Talking Dad, and so much more. That's at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddaddies. For all you merch hounds out there, we got a slew of new merch including a new sticker pack with a West Rock Elementary Doodlers bumper sticker, new pins, and a new

and everything is going to be OAK poster. Check it all out at store.dftba.com or our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com. And just a quick heads up, the stuff that's in stock, we recommend ordering by December 1st to get there by the holidays. The stuff that's on pre-order is going to show up after the holidays. So, you know, treat it like a second Christmas.

You can follow us on Twitter at DungeonsAndDads. Reddit.com slash rdungeonsanddabbies is our subreddit. Thank you so much for listening. The next episode is December 8th. And by the way, if you play Destiny 2, look up Doodlers. That's the name of our clan. The tag is BDSM. I need your light, Guardian. It's like a dragon. There was a time we didn't know they never brought you

Problematic Matt. You put the Matt in problematic. Oh, what a dunk. Matt, how are you going to live after that dunk?

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