Ep. 45 - Death Comedy Jam
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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Previously on Dungeons and Daddies. It's time to doop doop doop doop.

Draw from the deck of many things! I draw Rope! I sense deep within my soul that somebody, somewhere is mad at me! Heh, I've drawn Comet. If I kill a squirrel now, I'll level up! I level up! I draw Don John. Oh no! Something has happened to Ron. He's been imprisoned in an extra-dimensional sphere! Only drawing the Fates can save him now! I draw the Fates! You must save Ron. Mr. Mustache, please save Ron. I save Squirtle!

I am likely. Oh, no. I have returned and I see that I'm holding another card. Balance. That means his alignment changes into an alignment that is different than before he drew the card. Actually, it's me. Well, actually. I draw Moon. By wishing that Rot Stambler has always hated seaweed snacks, I could rewrite time without needing to time travel. Now he won't ever have to draw from this cursed deck. I'm back.

And now, I hate dogs. Looks like it's my turn again. All right. With the power of the sun card, I level up two more times. And I get a crap bag. You're not the only one getting more powerful. With this star card, my strength increases by two. Soon we'll be unstoppable. I draw skull. Gotta fight death, huh? Sounds like a piece of cake. Just gotta draw one more card. Oh no, it's the rule.

One, two, three, go. Hi everybody, welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, the D&D podcast about four dads from our world who get transported into the Forgotten Realms to find their lost sons.

to find their lost sons after falling through a portal on the way to a soccer game. Too much detail, too much detail. God damn it. My name is Beth May, and I will be your host tonight for the games. All right. Beth, you crushed it. Flawless. I'm so happy Freddie's not here. Nothing is more 2020 brand of cruel than getting kicked off a podcast. Yeah. The only thing he had left, and we took it from him.

I was about to say, finally, I get to do my dad fact first. But you're the host. I think you could decide, Beth. Do you want to go first? I don't. I never do. All right. Hell yeah. That's right. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl. Man, I'm all thrown off now that Freddy's gone. Maybe we do need him. All right. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who becomes a barbarian when he enters the Forgotten Realms.

to continue our wonderful journey, the middle act of this five-act play of Daryl's senses. We will delve into the world of touch. I cannot believe this is the thing we're doing. Are you almost done with it? How many more senses remain? I just said it's the middle act. I got two more. Oh, my God. So, touch. I was going to do something, like, cute, like laying in bed with Carol, but bullshit, whatever. His favorite feeling. Wait, can I try to guess? What?

Is it a football? No, no, I didn't think about that. It's the exact feeling of pulling up the perfect pair of jeans. Like if it just fits in perfectly, like doesn't ride the crotch, doesn't hurt the belt.

Bigger boys know what I'm talking about. That perfect pair of jeans. You pull it up. I know what you're talking about. It's like a snug fit. There's like a layer of air between your legs. Sensually frustrated men know what I'm talking about. No, it just feels good. Stop gatekeeping feeling good in pants, guys. Oh, it feels so good. His least favorite feel or touch is the feeling of a knife through a well-done steak.

Makes him want to throw a plate over. We're going to say a knife through his stomach. I'm like, yeah, that's not a great feeling. Just to call back to earlier Daryl Cannon, two of his favorite things to do are to put on pants and then to take them off completely when he goes to the bathroom. Well, if you have the perfect pair of pants, exactly. You get to relive that feeling. It's the duality of man, really. You know when you put like a piece of paper on a table and there's a little air cushion like...

That kind of comes out. A perfect pair of pants says that across your whole body. When you just pull it off, you feel like Marilyn Monroe getting the wind blown up your skirt for a brief second. It feels wonderful. Hello everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the fictional character, uh, on Dungeons and Dragons, a podcast, uh,

He said Dungeons and Dragons again. I'm so sorry. I know. Yeah, dragons. It's got dragons in it. So I play Henry Oak. Henry, he's a hippie. He's crunchy and munchy. He rocks a pair of Birkenstocks and he likes granola. That's the guy in a nutshell. And also he's a druid with magic powers. He's from the Forgotten Realms. My Henry fact this week has to do with his Birkenstock rock.

Old school. Henry had a six-month period in the year of...

Right now. I was waiting for Beth to laugh. For about six months in the year of our Lord, 2014, Henry got really into those Vibram skeleton toe sandals. Oh, yeah. Do you know those? Yeah. The toe shoes. Oh, my God. He was all about those toe shoes for a while. Because secretly, he's always like when he saw Lord of the Rings and saw that Peter Jackson just went barefoot for a couple of years, he was like, that's cool. That's my speed. But he's not tough enough for that.

You would think being like a forest child that he would have like tough leathery feet. But the forest floor in Oakville was so soft and cushiony, he never really built up those calluses you need for something like that. So yeah, Henry wore those awful shoes for a little bit because this was the closest he could get to being barefoot. And then he read an article about how they were actually bad for your feet. And so he went back to his stocks and he's never looked back.

Hello, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week, it's actually a fact about Ron's wife, Samantha. Ron believes that Samantha has the world's best Owen Wilson impression, but really she's just saying, wow. Laughter

And he's like, oh, Samantha, you're so funny with how you say that Owen Wilson. And she's just like, wow, thank you, Ron. He's like, oh. Hey, folks, this is Freddie Wong, aka Glenn Soul, flying over the Forgotten Realms. Glenn's dad fact. You know what? You're not going to get one from me because I'm just going to spend all episode looking at my character sheet and trying to figure out what kind of cool spells I can get. Because I have a thing where I can use someone else's spells now, and it's going to take a lot.

I need a dad fact. What's Glenn's favorite ice cream? Give me something. I'll give you an appropriate one. Glenn saw the movie Flatliners and tried to be like, hey, I want to try that. But none, none.

No doctor or EMT would allow him to do it. So to this day, Glenn has not been able to reenact the film Flatliners. I mean, they were med students, weren't they? Couldn't even get the med students in the local Southern California area. Like none of them would do it. And they call themselves professionals. Would you say that that's Glenn's dead fact this week? Nice. This is going to be coming out like right around Halloween. This is our Halloween episode.

This is our Halloween episode, actually. It feels like Glenn would go to like the midnight screenings. Like he's just like a fan, but then like kind of just be like, you guys ever thought about doing this for real though? Dude, it's this guy again. He always comes to these screenings. Bringing a knife and asking people to just stab him and see what happens.

I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. Hi, Dad. So I just want to reiterate that even though the Deck of Many Things episode was the one that we were really worried about where things could change, Glenn is still very much in danger. No. I'm burnt out from caring. That's 2020 in a nutshell. What if we just didn't save Glenn?

I can tell you that at least one thing that will happen is much as Nixon had a pre-written speech prepared for if Neil Armstrong died on the moon. No.

I have an extremely self-indulgent and morose short monologue for if Glenn dies in this episode. And if we don't get to it in this episode because Glenn doesn't die, I will read it aloud in our Talking Dad episode to your Patreon subscriber. Oh my God. Glenn has slipped the surly bonds of Earth. The stakes are real. So are we ready to jump back into our dramatic radio play Dungeons and Daddies colon let's go save Glenn. Yeah, let's do it.

The same Glenn. The same Glenn.

In the following order, these things happen. Death shows up. Glenn tries to make a badass statement about, I've got one card left. He pulls the card. From the rest of your perspectives, you just see Glenn's eyes roll back into his head and he falls onto his back. You see the avatar of Death, who currently looks like Doug, look up into the sky at something you cannot see. And then it starts sprinting away, presumably in the direction of that thing. At the same moment, Autumn Oak comes down the stairs of the temple, holding what looks to be the decapitated head of...

Oh my God. Very oak. And she hears your reaction. She goes, I don't get excited. And she points at its eyebrow and it's got a dot above it. It's like, this is another humongous. I'm sorry. Oh my gosh. Before she said that, Daryl vomited like instantly. The whisper of wind in the trees as Glenn's soul says, it's just like Mission Impossible 2. That's the last thing you hear before it disappears over the horizon.

Mom, oh my gosh. Oh, wow. That's a lot. I don't need to look at that. Jeez Louise. Look, our friend Glenn, death is chasing after him. I'm freaking out, Mom. You gotta help us fix it. Autumn's like, I mean, I would help, but I'm very tired from fighting what I thought was your father. I don't know if I could help that much. I mean, I guess I could give you...

No, there's nothing I can do. I use all my small slots in my off-screen fight. Mrs. Oak? Mrs. Oak? Just call me Autumn. All right. Henry's mom. Real quick. Do you know how this card works? You drew from the deck? Yeah. And then Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins, or Cern rather, is like, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry, guys. Yeah, I made them draw from the deck. And then it hits him and he realizes, oh, I can literally never get my kids back now. The wish card has been drawn. And then he just sort of sits down and looks at his toes.

And I was like, we'll deal with that later. Okay, so here's what happened, Mom. Glenn was drawing the cards from the deck, and he drew this card that made the skeleton guy show up that was our former intern, but now he's dead, and he went to attack Glenn. Then Glenn drew this other card called the Void, and then I just dropped on the ground. Oh, no. Okay, so what happened was you drew Skull, which means that death wants to kill your pal Glenn. And then you drew Void, which means that his soul, a.k.a. the thing that makes him him, got destroyed.

yanked out of his body and is going to a phylactery, a container somewhere in the world. And it seems like from what I can see as I squint into the horizon and see, see death, like booking it as hard as he can, like the T-1000. I feel like it's trying to head toward that phylactery. And that's what's the T-1000. It's an old ancient myth about a drinkable demon. Yeah.

I don't know. So Glenn's not dead yet. No, he's not dead yet, but you need to make sure that that avatar of death can't get to his phylactery and destroy it. If so, his soul will basically just evaporate into the air and it'll be gone for good. I mean, if he's death, I mean, he's probably not well hydrated. He might get a cramp on the way there and might stop running, slow down. Ronnie's doesn't have

muscles. He's a skeleton. I don't think bones can get cramped. You can get shin splints. That's true. He could get shin splints. You know, I used to get shin splints when I was wearing these Vibram skeleton doches. laughter laughter

So what happens with death is that death has many faces. Anytime an avatar of death shows up, it takes the face of somebody who's died who is relevant to that person. It's kind of a Buffy season seven big bad situation. To clarify, Buffy is the name of a person who polished armor in our home and she lived seven seasons and on the seventh season she died to that thing. Okay, so we should... You should probably continue chasing down death. We need our mounts. We never learned how to call our animals our mounts. Oh!

Is that how you call it? Roll animal handling. I need my dog. I rolled a 20. Okay. With one howl, all the animals start stomping towards you as if on command, because it was on command. I feel like you guys need to, like, one, you got to figure out what to do with my body, but two, just take a look at that barrel real quick. Do you have time? Do you even have time to look at that barrel? Just take a glance. Just a quick glance. I go to pick up Glenn, and as I'm hoisting Glenn over my shoulder, which I can do because I'm two points stronger now. Um...

And she goes, oh, big, strong boy. You've grown so much. Thanks, Mom. I look at this barrel. I'm like, hey, Mom, I know we got to get out of here, but what is this thing? This seemed like a big deal, but it just looks like a barrel to me. Logan was really excited about it. He seemed real over the moon about this barrel. Autumn...

Goes like, I don't know. I guess it was a wondrous item or something. And Cern goes, yeah, it must be a wondrous item of some sort, but I don't know. I am going to just look at it real quick to see if I can figure it out. And then so Henry is going to, what is it? You need to get investigation of at least 20. God damn it. Why is it always intelligence when it's a fucking important one? I did not get a 20. Guys, I don't know. It looks like just a big barrel. You know, mom, it's yours. It's a gift for helping us. You know?

You figure it out. Use it to help Oakvale. I'm sorry I haven't called in like 10 years. You know, like I've been somewhere else. I mean, I haven't either. We need to reconnect before. It's decorative. She puts the head of Barry on it and she goes, now it is. Looks great. Canary comes out from the back. She's like, hi, I'm so sorry. I was eating fries while somebody was pretending to be me. That's so awkward. I'm sorry. Do you want me to really quickly put your son back into his original body so you don't have to carry around a whole other child? That does seem convenient. Yes, that seems like a great idea. Boop.

Do you want to leave the kids with your mom? Oh, gosh, I guess we could do that. And Autumn's like, ah. Come on, lady. Come on. Our friends are dead. You want to bring your grandkids all the way to, we're going to go chase the dead. They seem like a lot. Yeah. I mean, if you want me to, I will. It's up to you. They're your kids. I guess they're my grandkids. Hi.

Yeah. Hi, I'm Autumn. And they go, oh, hello, I am Lark. And this is Sparrow. I'm Sparrow. This is Lark. It does seem like they'd be a little safer with my mom than, no offense, but Walter, I don't know. It seems like a little loosey goosey. Lark and Sparrow are like, yes, and we'll have plenty of time to study this mysterious barrel. I'm very excited to learn its many secrets. Oh, that seems like a neat project for the boys. Okay, yeah, sure. Figure out what's up with this barrel, okay? That's going to be your fun project. And when I come back, you guys better figure it out. Father?

Good luck saving your friend, Glenn. If he dies, may we have his gun?

No. I just thought I would ask. I knew it was a no before I asked, but I thought, you know, you'd miss every shot you don't take. Especially without a gun. Daryl with his natural 20 plus 5, 25 animal handling skills. Stop bragging about it, Jesus Christ. Slides up to Peyton, and the way he slides up is that he has two snakes that are acting as a lasso to a wolf, and then on his feet he's got two slugs, so he's got no friction, so he's like...

He's skiing on some slugs attached to a wolf, and he skids over to Payton. The slugs are like, we're okay with this. This is consensual. Yeah, those slugs are cool with it. The natural 20 didn't just mean you can pick whatever animal you want to have shoved up. Henry, really quick, I got to say bye to Payton. If the god or any sort of master out there wants to tell me I can't do this, that's cool. They totally can, but I just feel like I really rolled really well, so this is what I'm doing. So then I skid over and go, Payton, hey, pay.

Be cool. I love you, Dad and Son. Obviously, I'm coming with you. No, no, no. You got to stay here. Why? I came here for all the other stuff. I might as well come with you now. You're right. You're right. I'm panicking, too. Son, Dad, hop on. Hell yeah. And I put him up on my shoulders. Let me grab a slug. Grab a slug, buddy. And I hand him a slug. Onward to adventure. Could I ride a deer? I forgot how I got here.

Roll persuasion. There were a bunch of deer and stuff hanging out ready for the forest to burn down. Persuasion. Got a seven. So you look at one deer and he just goes, ew! Ew!

How did we get here? What animals did we ride? Okay, there was a dog. I'm done with dogs. I'm fucking done with dogs forever. Ron became a cat person. Before I mount up, I turn to my mom and say, Mom, there's one last thing. My old horse, Carfax. Is he still in the stable? No, D20. We'll just see if Carfax had a good life or not. Show me the Carfax. I got a 17. Oh, okay. With a 17, he is not the glue that's holding the temple together. Oh, wow.

Oh, God. So Autumn goes, yes, absolutely. Carfax has been waiting for you this whole time. He's in the stable. Carfax, come here, book. And Carfax goes...

It's my good pal Henry. And he like ambles over you. He's very old, but you can clearly tell that he's got like a love for you in his eyes. It's like when a soldier comes home from the war and their dog freaks out, but he's too old. So he can't like really freak out that much. But he's like, it's my main man. Carfax, noble steed. That's me. You know, it's been a while. Gosh, you know, I remember traipsing with you in the woods outside Oakville. Carfax, old friend. Are you up for one last ride? Yeah, man. Yeah. All right. How old does Carfax look? Does this look like I shouldn't be riding this horse out? Yeah, Carfax looks like he's about 200.

He is Fry's dog from Futurama. He's just waiting for you to come back. Oh my God, why would you do that? I hand Ron my slug and then I ride the wolf. So I'm riding a slug. I'm so glad everybody's so psyched about what they're riding while your friend is getting his fucking body spirited. I'm trying to go. We're trying to paint the scene, Anthony. It's a chase scene. Oh yeah, and Lord knows that no one cares what cool car you're driving in a chase scene. That's not the half.

point of every James Bond movie ever made. If you'd like to ride the 200-year-old horse that just loves you a lot, you can. I kiss Carfax tenderly on the forehead. And I say, Carfax, old friend, it's good to see you, but I think I need a slightly speedier get-up than you, so no offense. He dies of a broken heart, and then your mom brings out a nicer horse named Horsefax, and he goes, this is Carfax's sign. You get to describe what Horsefax looks like. Horsefax!

Horse Facts has cool sunglasses on and lightning for hair and he has a coexist brand. Now I'm really jealous. No, he got it himself. It's a tattoo. He got to put in his feminist tattoo spot on his lower back. I say, Horse Facts looks like me and you are going to get along. Oh.

No, that's Quagmire. I was about to say, all right, but that's just Quagmire's voice. And he sounds like Quagmire. He doesn't sound like, that's the last one. He sounds exactly like Quagmire. And whenever I talk to him, you have to do your Quagmire impersonation. He's the worst horse. Giggity, giggity, giddy up. Oh, God.

I hate him. I hate him. Hey, don't forget, you did this. Daryl loves this horse. Matt is going to do everything he can to kill this horse. Henry hops on Carthanoir's face and says, let's ride. That's what I hope to do. Everyone's already riding.

We're 100 yards away. We've already started going. So you all head off on a big old chase of death and the invisible soul in the sky because death is running on foot. It's not that hard to... If one person is running at 20 miles per hour and five people are lying for 20 minutes and they are going 32 miles per hour. You see human form running for a second, right? As Avatar of Death, you see Doug running and then you see it begin to flag and begin to get tired and so it like balls up his fists and then

leaps forward and as it leaps into the air it turns into a very angry and vengeful squirrel and the squirrel is now chasing after glenn fuck you fuck you i'm gonna fuck your life up i'm gonna kick your ass i am riding a slug but it's a really fast and cool slug so it's the slug from that movie was it nitro what was it called the slug is just so you have no friction on the ground you're holding a snake that's attached to a wolf that i see like water oh

I'm like water skiing on the ground. Oh my God, that is so cute. Okay. Thank you. I thought it was pretty awesome. Is this slug just in agonizing pain? Nah, they're cool. Dragged along the rock.

Okay, so while you're writing, you see a big red falcon above you holding what seems to be a parcel in its talons. And it looks down at you with an inquisitive eye, seems to nod to itself, and then drops the parcel in the center of all of you. Who's going to try to reach to grab it? Henry will give it a shot. I got a 17. So you catch the parcel. Atop it is a note signed from Walter the Immoral that says...

Hey guys, I got this for you. I thought it might help. And also, everybody's doing fine. Love you. I don't know why I said that. I can't even go back and cross it out now. Oh no. Anyway, have a good one. And inside the parcel itself is what you can immediately feel tingling through your fingers is a magical item. It is a obsidian black rolling pin. Wow. And it is called the Rolling Rock.

It is demonically created, and when you equip it, you get an apron immediately that appears on your body that says, Kiss the Cook. And then when you hit somebody with the rolling rock, they take a D8 of damage, and they turn two-dimensional for 60 minutes. Whoa. At least they're all flat. When they are two-dimensional, they get advantage on dexterity saving throws, they reduce their AC by 10, they get disadvantage on strength checks and saving throws, and they have advantage on charisma checks against characters under the age of 12, and they are infinitely thin. Oh, because they're like a cartoon? Yeah, because they're a cartoon, and kids love cartoons. Ah.

On the back of the note from Walter is a PS. He goes, by the way, this is from some mercenaries I hired to do a job for me so you could take them. And so this was another Patreon elite session that they basically came up with this item on their own after succeeding in the one shot that I did for them. They were called the Sick Pythons, that group. And it was Michael, Mustafa and Nicole. So thank you for that so much. The daddies now have your item. All right. All right. I look at the dads and I say, hey, guys, let's rock and roll with this rolling rock bin.

Yeah. You get inspiration because I've definitely forgotten to do that over the last 15 episodes. Well, I've got 15 inspirations back. Yeah. Great. Good to know. You are chasing down death. So what's your strategy for this? I feel like we should see if we get up ahead of him and find a way to sort of like trap him or something. Maybe put a wire across the entire desert or something so that he falls and trips on it or something. We have to make it look like an accident so that he doesn't think we're helping him.

Because if we're helping Glenn, then we got to fight other deaths. Ron, have you ever done like, I'm not saying you have, I'm not implying anything, but have you ever done like insurance fraud or anything? What's insurance? Okay. Hey, Henry, can you hear us back there? Yeah. Hang on, guys. I'm trying to catch up. Onward, horse facts. Onward. All right. Stop. You did this. Don't forget. I am so upset. Hey, horse facts, would you mind if you just keep it down? We're trying to figure something out. I can't keep it down, baby. I got to keep it up. No.

No. I don't know what to do. Guys, we're approaching. I can see Death up there. He's a squirrel now. I guess that's Glenn's thing. But like, we got to stop him or something. But if we help him, we're all going to fight Death too. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you two Wile E. Coyote plans maximum. Once you've done that, you will arrive at the destination where Death is. Oh, okay. You can't do these all day. So you get two Wile E. Coyote plans. So I feel like the best plan would be to know where he's going to... Actually, I'm not really good at plans without Glenn around, guys. No.

Yeah. He did come up with that whole fire thing. Maybe we should get some info. Let's just ask death. I mean, what's the worst thing? Let's see what he's doing before we ask death. What if we ask dot, dot, dot dramatic pause, deep breath in Glenn. Yeah.

And I hear you wondering, how are we going to do that? And it's by using the fifth level spell that I just got called Scrying. Cool. This is... The story of a girl. Sure, Henry, you can do it.

Henry, that sounds good. You should do it. You said fifth level. That seems like it's a good spell. You got it, buddy. So you can see in here a particular creature you choose that is on the same plane of existence as you. The target must make a wisdom saving throw, which is modified by how well you know the target and the sort of physical connection you have to it.

If a target knows you're casting this spell, it can fail the saving throw voluntarily if it wants to be observed. I'm going to call Glenn and see how it goes. Okay. So I'm going to cast Scry, Shazam, I cast it, and I guess I need to roll. You don't have to if Glenn chooses to allow you to speak with him. And obviously I'll take the call. You immediately get the sense of, even though you cannot see him, you can feel Glenn's presence in the air above you, hurtling. Woo! Woo!

I'm ready! Ready to be rocked, baby! How's he doing, Henry? He seems like his usual self. That's good. I heard this simple life, world so simple. Oh, yeah! Henry!

Might as well jump. Jump. Glenn is just singing Van Halen lyrics to himself. So now you can freely speak to Glenn. Glenn, it's the boys. We're chasing after you. Woo. Hey, whoa. Whoa, real quick. The barrel. Also, oh, the fire. Oh, I left the oven on, so to speak. It doesn't matter. Woo. Free as a bird. Glenn, we're really worried. Hey, ask me to play Freebird. Play Freebird. Hello.

Henry, we ain't doing it. Don't take over the conversation. It's a time limit. Tell me to shut up. Glenn, I'm going to put you on speaker. And then I open my mouth and my eyes roll back in my head. And now everyone can hear what I'm saying to Glenn. So through your mouth, you hear, oh, yeah. Glenn, where the hell are you? I'm floating through the air effortlessly. Can you see us? One of you wave. I wave. Yeah, OK. Yeah, I see you. Hey, how's it going, everybody? Hey.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going there pretty fast. Is there a Doug? I'm on the highway to hell. What? No, go on. Death is chasing you. Do you see Death? When you look down, you see the squirrel is just making the most furious eye contact with you. Hey, the squirrel's looking at me, mean mugging me really hard, everybody. Can you do something about that? Guys, I'm getting nervous. I'm pretty sure we're going to kill Glenn here if we don't figure out something. Right now, we just know that he's going where he's going, which we already know because Death's going after him. Hey, remember, you can't help me, everybody. This one's my fight. Woo! Woo!

Glenn, in the direction that you're headed, do you see anything that it looks like you might be going there? All right, I will roll a perception. 10 plus three, 13 perception roll from the sky. You can tell that you're headed for a coast. Wait a second, if I'm scrying Glenn. Oh yeah, you can do a perception check as well. Like two different people looking at a painting and one of them has an arts degree and the other one's just like, that's a pretty color.

I got a 21, Anthony. So I go, oh yeah, water. I can see water. There's water at the bottom of the ocean. So you can see, Henry, some ships moving in and out of a port town that's got some smoke rising from several buildings. You can even see in the tiniest little font painted onto the side of one of the warehouses in this port city. It looks just like the Hollywood sign. Yeah, it looks exactly like that. And it says, Meth Bay Dock. It's beautiful. Yeah.

Ron slowly removes his sunglasses like Alan Grant in Jurassic Park. It's gorgeous. It's in papyrus font. Tell me Comic Sans. I will come. Oh, yeah, it's Comic Sans. It is canonically Comic Sans. It says Meth Bay across the top of the hill. How close are we to death? Always a good question. Oh, that's a good question, Matt. I think all of us in different levels of... You start dying the minute you're born. Right now, you are basically a football field distance from him. If you want to get closer or further away, that'll be another animal handling role.

With my roll of 23, I accelerate to try to approach death. You can basically ride your horse as fast as death is running in squirrel form if you so wish. So you're now as close to death as you wish to be. Hey, death. What? I'm sorry, he's a squirrel. Hey, yeah, our dude's dead. You can give it up, man. It's all good. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. This was your second Wily Coyote plan. I'm just trying to talk to him. Okay, shit. Never send a mat to do a Glenn's work.

I got a two minus one. Oh, my goodness, Matt. Matthew. Matthew. It's like when there's like a fight in a bar. You're like, hey, come on, man. He didn't say anything. This is the beginning of the conversation. With your blistering one roll, death just looks you square in the eye while it's still running forward. And you are going to give me a wisdom saving throw. Oh, no. We should have had Dev pick up some coffee for the execs on the way. Yeah.

Seven plus one, eight. You look into the eyes of death and they blaze with a like, so over your shit. And it is dealt with so many mortals trying to talk their way out of their inevitability so many times. It just looks at you with this intense existential tiredness that permeates your body and you take a D8 of psychic damage.

Oh, hey, wow. Oh, that's a buddy that I feel. Yeah, I wouldn't be in a good mood if I was death either. I'm just trying to get a lay of the land here. You're running pretty fast after our friend. What's your game plan? What's what's what's going on with your one role? He has no reason to respond to you at all. So he just keeps running. He turns back to what he's doing and he just ignores you. I have an idea. I have an idea. I have an idea.

Henry rides up. And so I like cyclically communicate to Glenn, Glenn, I'm going to open my mouth and you talk out of my mouth. And we're going to try to convince Glenn that you've possessed my body. So that'll chase after me instead of going to you. Okay. All right. And so I ride up to death and I open my mouth and you hear the voice of Glenn go, Oh yeah. He thought you could kill me. Mother. You're wrong. I'm rocking and rolling over here.

It's transferred bodies. Doesn't death see the soul? Yeah. So I would normally have you roll deception, but death can literally see the soul. So he just looks up and then looks at you with your mouth open. And he just goes, I know what scrying is. I'm a higher level than you. I fuck off. Ron yells over at death. Hey, you're an intern, huh? I'm also an intern. I'm new here.

In this world. I was wondering if you knew where the, and then Ron holds up a piece of paper and acts like he's reading it, where the Glenn soul will end up being. I don't know the area very well. And since you've been interning here for a while, I thought from one intern to another, you could help me out. Roll persuasion with the stankiest disadvantage. Roll persuasion to pick his brain. Roll intern kinship. Yeah.

The one thing that we do know for certain, it just feels like we don't need to worry about finding out where he's going because literally the only thing we have is a death thing that's going where he's going. That's what I'm freaking out about. So all of our ideas, I mean, I talked about all of our ideas so far is just to figure out the one thing we already know. Now you understand the glue that Glenn has for this group. I was trying to get some more info. I screwed up. I screwed up. I screwed up. Fucking idiot. I screwed up. I was trying to. Fucking idiot.

morons with a bunch of half-baked plants trying to retread ground.

I got a 19 with disadvantage. Yeah, boy! Okay, so Death looks at you and goes, we're going to Meth Bay. Okay, guys, you heard the man. Ron has established our intern rapport with Death with his 19. So what other shenanigans? What else do you want to ask him as an intern? I specifically said, you got two Wile E. Coyote crazy plans. Doug, do you have any quarters for parking? They're not letting me use the company lot.

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So in the time that you've been doing these shenanigans, you get closer and closer to the port city of Meth Bay. The initial smells and stuff that hit you are booze and alcohol and fun and laughter and sex and drugs and... Hell yeah. And the rotting wood of ships that are pirate ships and stuff like that. Smells like fun. Mm-hmm.

But as you get closer, you can see that there are people in a very normal ass plate male knight in shining armor type ass armor that are rounding up rogues and bandits and pirates and all the kinds of fun people you might meet in a Tortuga. Bards, bards, bards. Bards. Basically, you see a massively long line of people

very cool looking kind of Mos Eisley kind of people in chains leading up to what was once a tavern. But as you enter through the city gates, you can see that this tavern has had its sign torn down and it just has a new sign that's been built up slipshoddily that says courthouse.

So as you enter the town, the guards turn to you to hold out their hands like, whoa, stop right there. And one of them tries to stop death and the guard goes, stop. Hey, hold on, stop, stop. And death just runs straight into him and the guard slashes at him, immediately spawns a new avatar of death

And that avatar of death begins to fight that guard. The two guards next to him start panicking. They try to fight the original squirrel avatar of death, which spawns two more avatars of death. And now suddenly those three guards who are going to stop you are now all fighting their own individual avatars of death. Is there anything you would like to do with this information as death is continuing to run toward the courthouse? Is there a way that...

We could pretend to be squirrel criminals, but then accuse death. So he's arrested as a squirrel. And then I don't think that the system of justice could have its own death avatar. It's a big thing. You basically have 30 seconds until death reaches the courthouse. Well, threatening people is a crime.

Yeah, just accuse them, Ron. Maybe the police could help. I mean, worst case scenario, more death spawn, but they won't attack us. Ron, this is really good. I've got a great idea. Here's what I'm going to do. So I use Wild Shape and I turn into an exact doppelganger of the squirrel that death looks like.

Yes. And then I run into the courthouse and I say, hey, everybody, I'm death. And I think the toughest, baddest, hardest motherfucker fighter in this whole town, that person who's the most tough piece of shit in this whole town, I think they suck. And I want to fight that one on one. So come kick my ass if you've got the guts. And then I run away.

And, uh, and, hey, Henry, could you say you also did some crimes? Because, like, you know... As Henry's screaming something that's not illegal, I look at a guard and I point to death and go, hey, that guy just stole my purse. Okay. So, to briefly set the scene, as you run into the former tavern, now courthouse, they've destroyed all the rooms, so just this one big open-ass room. Oh, just like in Batman Begins. You can see that there is a judge's bench. Sitting at the bench is just some person that you've never seen before, an old woman,

with an eyepatch. And next to the judge's bench, you see a whole shelf, just a massive pile actually. Like a Kallax? A what? A Kallax? No. I don't know what that means. Well,

What is that? You do. It's the Ikea Kallax. No, it's actually, you see a very large pile of just random objects. You see... They need a Kallax to help organize that. Yeah, there is a Kallax for some of the more Kallax-shaped things that can be organized. You see swords and armor and all these kinds of different artifacts, random little magical bits and bobs, all in one big pile that is being guarded by the large ancient gold dragon, the same one that Scam likely attempted to fly away from the Omega Daddy's hideout.

And he is sitting in front of all these jars. So when you say the biggest, toughest, baddest motherfucker, you are speaking to him. He is by far the largest thing in this room and the most intimidating. So go ahead and roll intimidation. And then, Matt, you roll deception. God damn it. I got a five. I got a two. Okay. Looks like Glenn, once again, is a key member of the team. Okay, so as all of you attempt to bamboozle the ancient gold dragon, it goes...

Oh, hey, aren't you the ones from the... As it's saying that, you watch as the squirrel death's eyes track the arc of Glensoul as it dovetails into the big pile of stuff. First, you hear what sounds like...

strings like a twang. And then there's a vibration from inside the pile of stuff. And then it shoots up neck first. And you can see gleaming as bright and red as the last time you saw it. The battle acts of hatred with Ron's signature. And it is vibrating. And you can feel that Glenn's soul is inside of it. Oh, hell yeah, this rules! It's like I'm a guitar! Man, this is like my best dream ever! Oh, it feels real good! Sweet!

You know, everyone, Glenn's pretty happy right now. Maybe this is like sort of like a mice and men sort of moment. Let's just tell Nick he died. We just kind of let him. Death as a squirrel is going to try to leap into the air and get at him.

the battle axe of hatred knowing full well that a large dragon is standing between it and the axe the dragon goes uh there's no cutting in line and as he says that death is going to leap into the air to attack i shout stop that squirrel it's dead he's trying to steal something from the courthouse i've got a warrant for death's arrest i guess all this is perplexed because i just assumed that death was like

Like we can't like hit that. It can move through other creatures, but whether or not it gets hit is a different thing. And it says as if they were a difficult terrain. So it still would be slowed down by the attack. What if it gets hit with a lawsuit?

I'm going to cast churned earth or erupting earth rather. Okay. Choose a point on, you can see on the ground within range of a fountain of churned earth and stone erupts in a 20 foot cube centered on that point. Each creature in that area must make a dexterity saving throw. I'm going to tell you straight up. If you do do this, you're getting your own death avatar. No shit. Daryl screams. God helped me and throws the ax like at death. Give me an initiative rolled. So we'll be able to see what order everybody does all this stuff in. So I wrote a one and then I got advantage.

And I rolled a one. Oh my God. Oh no. Okay, so I got a 12. So death goes first. Death is going to leap into the air and try to grab on to the battle axe of hatred. So I'll give him a basic dexterity roll. So death leaps through the dragon who isn't quite quick enough to swat him out of the air. Death lands on the pile of stuff.

And tries to grab at the battle axe of hatred, but it just barely bobbles it and it slips out of his fingers and just sort of falls over onto the side. And you hear the battle axe go, Let's drive! Too hot to handle! You know what, for a final performance, Freddie's doing a pretty good job. This is a good final performance for Glenn. Now it is Henry's turn. Henry is going to, with a heavy heart, cast Entangle on death. Grasping weeds, invite and sprout from the ground on a 20-foot square starting from a point within range.

The ground is difficult terrain. A creature in the area when you cast the spell must succeed on a strength-saving throw or be restrained by entangling plants until the spell ends. It didn't say any of the following things. Charmed, frightened, paralyzed, petrified, poisoned, or unconscious? No.

Thank God, because it has immunity to all of those things. But it does not have immunity to being restrained, apparently. This is a BDSM podcast, after all. Do any of us have immunity to being restrained, Anthony? So what happens is he's going to do a strength saving throw. Unfortunately, he has a plus three to strength and he rolled a 14. No! So he does save against it. Does anything happen on a failed save? It's just difficult terrain now. Okay. You do spawn your own avatar of death. She is going to roll initiative.

So he got a natural 20. Okay. Okay. Which means that he gets to basically go whenever he wants, which is, I'm going to say right now. So that happens before, like, I throw my axe, right? Yes. Unfortunately, this all happens before you throw your axe. So, Henry, what are your maximum hit points? That's always a great question to hear. My max hit points are 66. I think D&D-wise, you're not supposed to convey this information, but fuck it. So death, it has exactly half hit points for whatever it is spawned from. So this avatar of death has 33 hit points. Okay. Okay.

but it is just going to sweep its spectral scythe through your chest.

And it just does 1d8 plus 3 damage. So I'm going to roll the 1d8 for him. It doesn't even have to roll to hit. It just happens. So he does 7 damage to you. Okay. Plus another d8 of necrotic damage. 1. Okay, cool. So altogether, 8 damage. All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The avatar fights until you die or it drops a 0 hit points whereupon it disappears. If anyone tries to help you, the helper summons its own avatar of death.

It doesn't summon it if you try and help Henry, though. No, but the rules move to the new. No, no, no, no, no. Avatar of Death is just a creature. Oh, OK. I see what you're saying. So the spawning another Avatar of Death, that is not a feature native to Avatar of Death. That is a feature native to specifically the skull card and whoever drew that. Yes, but we still need to help you, Freddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you trying to help me will give you another Avatar of Death. Yes. You taking on Henry's Avatar of Death, it's fine. You guys can gang up on that one. I actually think that I'm going to take Glenn away and hide him. Okay. So since you didn't want to initially roll to get into the initial, I'm going to put you at the very end after Daryl. Okay. So next it is the Ancient Dragon's turn.

He's going to turn around and go, hey, that stuff belongs to the court. Don't be a dick. The dragon is going to swipe at death with its claws. Let's see how it does. Oh, isn't the dragon going to get its own avatar? Yeah, regardless of whether it hits or not. Oh, that's going to be a spicy boy. Yeah. That's going to be a big boy. Yeah, well, he can deal with this. That's his problem. So it attacks, and geez louise, I think I may have made this too easy on you. Then maybe again not. I just killed it.

No, it's just he has a plus 17 to hit. Oh, yeah. With his bite, because he's a crazy powerful dragon guy. So he's going to do 2d10 plus 10 piercing damage. You guys didn't have to do shit, man. So he does 23 damage to Glenn's death, which means it's down to 14 damage. But in that exact moment, it spawns another avatar of death. And this one has 546 divided by two. Wow.

Holy shit. That's 273 hit points. This whole trial is out of sight. It's also happening as I'm mid-throwing. Do I get to throw my axe now? You're going to come right after the death that he just spawned because that death rolled very well on its initiative.

The death swipes its scythe at the dragon, who then immediately turns to face and goes, what the, what? And it takes a very small amount of damage. Now it is Daryl's turn. So wait, the death, sorry, the death going to Glenn. Let's call him Squirrel Death. Yes, Squirrel Death is trying to grab the Battle Axe of Hatred. Is it slowed down at all because of the dragon? I mean, it got hurt, but otherwise, no. So nothing slowed it down? No, on its turn, it is going to try to pick up and smash Daryl.

The Battle Axe of Hatred. But Ron gets to go before... Ron gets to go first, right? Correct. You and Ron get to go before its turn. Ron, get that guitar. And then I throw one of my throwing axes at Henry's Avatar of Death. His DC is 20, so you have to beat 20. Better than a 1, right? 19! Yay! Plus 7, so 26. Cool, so roll damage. That's a 4.

Okay. And then with my second attack, I'm just going to swing my great axe at him. Okay. He's got a great axe. Jesus Christ. That's so good. Very good. I get plus seven for my DC.

No, it's a 19. Sorry, it doesn't quite do it. So your first hit manages to carve off a little bit of the spectral essence that makes death death. It just manages to slice it away from the rest of its quasi-incorporeal form. But the next one it sees coming and just like almost like a fog dissipates around the axe as it comes toward him and then reforms as soon as your axe moves through it. Here's a question, Anthony. What does Henry's version of death look like? We've had all these fun characters show up. Like, what does this look like? That's a good question.

who's somebody that Henry has wronged or allowed to die? This is a Frenchman riding a horse. It's Napoleon. Oh, yeah, because I badmouth the French so much. Maybe it is Napoleon. He ate French and he ate horses. Yeah, sure. It's Napoleon Bonaparte. It's Napoleon Dynamite. Yes, it's Napoleon Dynamite. It's Napoleon Dynamite on a horse wearing the Napoleon Bonaparte hat. And as you try to put the axe through it, it goes, oh, no, no, no. Gosh. Gina, I can get your food. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh my God, yes. Man, Napoleon Dynamite, Quagmire, we're just chock-a-block with high school references tonight. Yeah, don't tell me I don't have too many DM voices in my rucksack. Okay, so Ron, it is your turn. I am going to... No pressure if you don't grab the axe, Glenn dies. Oh God, okay. I am going to...

slide over to grab the axe. Now, I hate to be a narc-arino about this, but I do believe it's difficult terrain now because of my entangled spell. Yeah, so if you want to do like a cool slide thing, I'm not going to make you do disadvantage for it, but like you're not going to be able to do a whole lot afterward. Once you get there, you're not going to be able to keep moving. You could use your beefy Ron body to protect me. Yeah.

Duh. Match. That is a 16. Okay. Describe how you sidle up to death and take the guitar from him, just like in the Bible. I don't know. I watched the 1992 miniseries of The Stand, obviously, and then I take the guitar from off his back.

And I'm really hot, Gary Sinise. No, okay. So, um... No, I mean, all that happens. That's fine. I think I do, like, a cool, like, half 360, so 180, and then I just have the guitar, and part of me is, like, clutching it away from death, but part of me is, like, holding it almost like I might play it. Like, Ron, Hey, I'm Ron himself might finally be part of the Glenn Close trio. And the guitar goes...

So you snag the guitar, and then in front of you, blocking the path ahead of you, another death appears. And this one is...

Who's somebody Ron has killed? Oh, it's Vampire Terry Sr. with no head. It still has the bag of holding over its head. A quick question for you guys, just for the group here. My soul's in this guitar, right? Oh, yeah, it is. But my body is like outside, presumably draped over horse facts. Yes. So like, what's the deal like with the soul? Like maybe really feels like we should have asked Canary to come along, huh? Shh.

Shit, you're right. Any or all of you can do an Arcana check right now for free. Did we forget Payton again? Has Payton been here this entire time? Oh, yeah. Payton has been here the entire time. Yeah, what do you guys want me to do? Nothing, honey. Just stay right there. Clearly, I'm punching out death. I'm finishing off death. That dragon really fucked him up. I'm going to do the coup de grace. That's what I'm going to do on him. I was going to say, Daryl's been beating himself up for his terrible axe throwing, and then he realizes it's because he's got Payton on his shoulders this whole time. He's really been throwing off his aim.

So he gently puts the dads like, all right, Peyton, I guess you're in this fight, too. Hell yeah, baby. My theory is that Peyton has low key realized that if he just shuts up, the dads will forget that he's with them and then he can just go along with them to whatever, which is why Peyton just gets real quiet sometimes. Which turns out is exactly how to hang out with adults when you're a kid. So it's very smart. I feel like if we just put the guitar in Glenn's body, it will be the same thing.

You know, it's just going to be like a body and a guitar. Yes. So the last thing that Canary or Autumn, I can't remember who, told you was that if the phylactery, which in this case is the battle axe of hatred, is broken without the body present, which currently it is not, it is outside, then the vapors of the soul will evaporate, go into the sky and dissipate forever. If you want to give me an arcana roll, anybody wants to give me an arcana roll, I can give you a little bit more information on what you may have gleaned just from that explanation. I rolled...

And I got an 18. Okay, so an 18 arcana, you can tell that, yeah, basically there is a very small radius around any phylactery where it needs to be close to the body. And then it can basically bond with its body, remember its body, and then enter the body easily. So it's basically got to be within five feet of the body.

Ron's bringing the guitar to the body. Peyton should go get horse facts and bring the body to Ron so they can meet in the middle. Yes, good idea. Peyton, go get the horse. Not for any reason involving death, but because we want to see our horse friend. And I think you're a wuss who can't do it because you're too scared. Oh, my God. How dare you? And he immediately sprints out on his turn. He's going to sprint to the horse and I'm going to give him an animal handling check to see if he can ride it in. I mean, he could also ask the horse. The horse talks.

And then we get a super fun scene where fan favorite character, Baden, talks to worldwide beloved character, Quagmire, and they have like a fun scene together, like meeting of the minds. It's like a crossover. So you hear in the distance outside of this courthouse tavern.

You hear... We gotta go save Glenn, man. Come on. All right. And they are at the entrance to the courthouse. They are still not within five feet, but the body is there. The body is about 15 to 20 feet away. Okay. So that was Peyton's turn. So now it is Death's turn. Specifically, Glenn's death's turn. Squirrel death. So the squirrel is going to run at...

So he's going to leap forward and try to do a strength roll, I guess, to wrench it out of your hands. Can Ron Dexterity to move out of the way? Can I try to put it up my sleeve or put it under my shirt? Okay, fuck it. Yeah, do give me a Dexterity roll to see if you can dodge out of the way of death. Can I give you a power chord vibration roll because I'm going to play myself? Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Can you do Bardic Inspiration? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to give Ron 1d8 of Bardic Inspiration by playing Don't Fear the Reaper on myself.

I'm the guitar. Great. I got an 11. Roll a D8 and add that to the 11. Okay.

I got two. Oh, so 13? Mm-hmm. So he rolled a 19 dexterity. I don't like that. So he leaps into the air and then grabs onto it with his little squirrel paws. Now he's going to try to do an opposed strength check to wrench it out of your hands. I'm going to beat this fucking squirrel. I'm going to roll strength so fucking hard. Yes! 19. Hell yeah, Beth. Did he get a 20? I'm going to be so upset. He got...

A 14. Okay. So you managed to maintain your hold on the battle axe of hatred as he's like, fuck you, fuck you, give it to me. Goddamn, fuck you, fuck you. Suck it, squirrel. Okay, so that was a move and I feel like trying to wrench it out of your hands. That feels like an action. So to me, that feels like that's his whole turn. As my wife, Samantha, would say, wow. Okay.

All right, Henry, it is your turn. Okay, there's a squirrel wrestling with Ron over a guitar. There's my avatar of death, which looks like Napoleon, which is fighting me. And then... There's Ron's avatar of death. Ron's avatar of death is fighting him, and that's Terry Sr. And then there's Dragon's avatar of death, which is fighting him. I think you should hit squirrel because you won't summon another one, and I can keep attacking yours. I see. He's already done his action, which means...

The squirrel that's not going to do another action. So all that matters is Ron running. So anything we can do to pull to help Ron help Ron is all we need on Ron's next turn. He needs to break free from this guy. Yes. Could I like try to help Ron pull the thing away from the squirrel, the guitar away from the squirrel? Yeah. Or like, can I try to grapple the squirrel off of the guitar? Absolutely. You're good. Yeah. Okay. That's what I'm going to do.

So I run up to the squirrel and I grab it with both my hands and I'm trying to pry the squirrel off of the guitar. It is a dense, thick squirrel. It's surprisingly dense and hard when you grab its spectral squirrel form. And Horace Fax goes, hey, nice. So give me a strength check. It'll do an opposed strength check. All right. That's why you got buff, boy. That's why I got yoked. So I've gone from a minus one to a plus zero strength modifier. Wow. Ooh.

He doesn't need Mercedes help anymore with getting those pickle jars open. It's all him, baby. Yolk Henry has done like three weeks of ring fit adventure on the switch and he's feeling pretty good. And he got a 12 Anthony. Okay. So unfortunately a 12 does not be an 18.

So you pull and you pull, but that darn squirrel is very strong and it maintains its grip on the battle axe of hatred. So now Ron's avatar of death is going to slice at you. He can't see me. It is going to do 12 damage to you. For me? The scythe moves through your torso and you feel it cutting across the inside of you, but not like physically, like just pure anguish, misery, existential dread and loneliness just cutting through your body in a way that probably feels...

All too familiar being Willie's son and it does 12 damage to you. Damn. Now Henry's avatar of death is going to attack him. Bring it on. And it is going to hit you for 13 damage. Wow. It just ignores me. I go, hey, stay tough, man. Pain's all mental. And I use spirit shield.

It reduces damage by 2d6. And so I reduce damage by 8. So 13 minus 8 is 5. Yeah, great. Okay, great. Thanks, Daryl. You're welcome, buddy. I appreciate you. The dragon is going to turn to its own avatar of death. It's just going to attack. It hits and it does 21 damage to a thing that's got 273 health left. Settle in, y'all. This one is going to be resolved off screen. I am almost certain.

And then so yes, yeah, dragon swipes a big chunk of ectoplasm out of this avatar of death. And then the avatar of death and then just hits back at him and like tink like his little scythe just barely like tinks against the hide of the dragon's armor, even though it's incorporeal. It still does next to nothing against this 533 HP as dragon.

This is like every platinum action game where you're like Bayonetta and you're fighting somebody. And then in the background, there's like two like mechs fighting also. Like that's way cooler off in the distance. You're like, I wish I could play that. And he was like, no, you won't. Daryl is your turn. How heavy is Glenn? Glenn, how heavy are you? Probably a Svet rock star. Like once.

60 170 maybe somewhere in there minus 21 grams right for the soul yes a little bit less very good yes yes yes yes yes eat him do it yeah yes okay i'm going to run to glenn i'm going to grab him by both his legs

I want to try to smash the guitar with Glenn. Oh, okay. Just so I understand. So I know the stakes. Like if the guitar breaks and Glenn's within five feet, his soul goes back into him, right? Correct. Okay. Yeah. So I'm trying to smash the guitar with Glenn. So give me a strength check. Oh, I got a 22. Wow. Now make an attack roll. With a Glenn? What's Glenn's attack? Just kidding. Just kidding.

Treat it like a normal bludgeoning weapon. Just give me a straight D20 roll because he's not going to be that easy to aim, I would presume. Here we go. Just like ragdolling over. Now, there's two rolls you can use Glenn Close in. You can use him as the shield. Oh, my God. Or you can use him to do damages. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Yes.

Yes, we're back, baby. We're back, everybody. You get inspiration back. And also, Matt, you get inspiration for the 21 grams joke. Woo! Oh, yeah. That's my first one for ever making a joke. I did it. That's a really good one, too. Thank you. I'll use my first roll still. So it was a 15. So with a 15. This is a DC against the guitar. Yeah, no. What I'm trying to determine is if it hits everybody else as well. Like, you're bringing Glenn down as hard as you can onto Ron. Breaking Glenn's neck instantly. Yeah.

So you're going to do, let's say, 2d6. So I'll be totally transparent with you about what all the HP is of the guitar, okay? So the guitar has 12 HP. Two for each of the strings. Yeah, exactly. And so I'm going to say that using Glenn as a weapon is a 2d6 to everything. So Glenn will take 2d6. Ron will take 2d6. The Avatar of Death will take 2d6. And the guitar will take 2d6.

Okay, oh and Henry too right cuz I'm in there. Okay, you're in the mix as well Yeah, so everybody will take 2d6 of damage dude. Glenn is the most powerful weapon in this game the more people are you kidding? That's like how many total is that that's so many d6 Apparently Glenda splash damage you gotta fucking go empty out all your fucking Milton Bradley games, dude Like you get the game of life out and roll that shit We ain't got enough d6 is in this house for how much damage Glenn does in one go baby. Oh my god. Oh

I just got 11 damage from Glenn. You did 7 damage to the guitar, so it's only got 5 HP left. Also, you spawn your own Death Daryl. What does the Death Daryl look like? Death is just in the form of a hospital bed. That's dark. It's just, yeah. Holy shit. Death is the last toilet that Daryl murdered. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That's just a big well done steak. Extra burnt. Daryl can't even look at it. I literally thought you said Beth is just a big toilet. And I was like, okay. So, all right. The hospital bed just shoots a pillow at you and immediately does 12 damage to you, Daryl, on its turn.

All right. Now it is Ron's turn. Ron, you just need to break it. Isn't there a demon in this guitar too? Won't the demon come out when we break the guitar? Is that just, we'll just throw them on the pile? Yeah. I mean, you know, you deal with one thing at a time. So I was going to actually say when Glenn went inside the guitar, you could feel a massive vacuum where a demon once was.

Oh, God. Wait, my death avatar is still alive. So I go up to fake Terry's here like I'm the cool dad. I can play guitar. OK, and I hit him with it. So give me a melee attack roll against fake Terry Senior.

12. You swing at it and it just deflects it away with its ghostly ectoplasmic hand and just baps it to the left a little bit and fucks up all the momentum of your swing so that it kind of hits harmlessly the side of one of the people that is in line for judgment. And so you don't do any damage to it. Sorry. Sorry. My first day with this instrument. She looks at you. She's like, it's okay. It's no big deal. It happens to everybody. It is now Peyton's turn.

So Pade's like, what do I do? What do I do? Smash the guitar. Please just smash the guitar. Okay. Anthony, I have an idea. We never said what happened to Freddy's gun. I presume it was still on his body, right? Yeah. You got a moment here where Pading could grab that gun and shoot that guitar. That's all I'm saying to put this over the air. Well, I'm not going to turn that down. So...

Peyton's like, oh, I've been waiting for this one, baby. I feel like Daryl's turning to like Peyton, just get out of here. And then he sees Peyton with a gun. It's like that gif of the kids like, hey, what are you holding? So Peyton runs up to Glenn's unconscious body and immediately starts feeling his pockets down and he pulls out the gun and he's going to aim at the guitar that is still being held in Ron's hands. Peyton

Takes aim. He closes one eye. Oh, no. Squirrel Death looks at him and goes, what, you think closing an eye is going to fucking help you? And Payne goes, oh, absolutely. When the other one is an eye of the tiger. And he fires. He rolled an 18. The bullet sails through the air in slow motion. And it severs the top of the guitar off, just like the neck of the guitar. It like circumcises the guitar, basically. And that's your idea of circumcision. That's not how that works.

I don't know. Who could I have been dating? Oh my God. Suddenly so many things about my own life make much more sense than how you guys say this. So yeah, it basically severs the head of the guitar. Glenn's weed green soul emanates from the neck of the guitar.

and hovers and floats over to his body, which is five feet away, and goes in through the nostrils and is inhaled, and suddenly, Glenn is awake. Oh, man. And Glenn goes, I'm back, baby! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

More cowbell. Oh, my foot's asleep. My foot's asleep. Ah, I got the pins and needles on my feet. And Glenn's sister's like, ooh, ooh, you don't want to move it because it makes it worse. But then you also got to move it because you got the blood flow. Ooh, it's like little ants, little ants all on my legs. Ooh, my feet's asleep.

15 plus 5, 20 on my initiative roll. Fantastic. I guess I'll just go into it. Not even a thank you? Hey, thanks, everybody. You're welcome, Glenn. What's your... Did you have a 5 initiative? What's your deck score? Hey, looking down on my fucking cliff that I'm looking down at you peons at this level 12 size cliff. Yeah, I fucking rule right now, dude. My initiative's plus 5. What do you want? Why do we save Glenn? All right, here's the move. You ready? Question 4, Anthony. What plane is...

Is the Avatar of Death from? Boeing. Is it from like a spectral plane? Like what's the deal with the Avatar of Death? Oh my goodness. Google, where did death come from? Andy, just a theological question. Where did death come from? Yeah, where did death come from? The Avatar of Death is from the inner planes. It's from the elemental plane. It's a different one. Yes, it is not. He does not originate in the material plane that you are currently in. How many Avatars of Death are there? Right now, there are. And Peyton definitely helped you. So Peyton definitely spawned his own Avatar of Death as well. Ooh.

Sure, but how many do we got? Six. You have six. So just to be clear, we got dragon, we got mine, which is coming after me. Yep. And everybody's is going for their own person. All four of us have one. I'm going to target mine with banishment. Okay. Okay. Banishment allows me to, at the level I'm casting it at, also target two additional targets.

So I can attempt to send these three creatures within range to another plane of existence. The target must succeed on a charisma saving throw or be banished. The charisma saving throw is 15 here. Okay. This target is native to a different plane of existence than the one we're on, as you said that they are. Correct. The target is banished with a faint popping noise, returning to its home plane. If a minute passes and I'm still working the spell, the target does not return. Which three are you getting rid of? So mine for sure, because it's coming after me, is

Which ones are the most dangerous ones? Let's get rid of Payton's for sure. Probably the dragon one, because if I get rid of the dragon one, the dragon one can help us because the dragon one seems to be interested in keeping order in this court as a bailiff of some sort. So me, Payton and the dragons. Okay. So they have to fail charisma checks. Yes. They have a plus there in charisma. So the first one rolls a 13 plus three is 16, which would be two 15. So mine is still there. Still there. Payton's rolls a 19 plus three 22.

Still there. Shit. And the third one rolls a 13 plus three, 16. Still there. Glenn puts his fingers out and is like, I hereby banish all of you. And he pointed at these three and nothing happened.

Dang. So I feel like my move is going to be the runaway. Oh, my God. Your soul goes back into your body. You stand up. You go, I banish thee. Nothing happens. And you go, I'm out. And then you just run. And then the rest of us are like, run, run. The rest of us are like, fuck, Len. I'm going to run now because here's the problem. Is that any of the spells that me or Henry would want to cast, like...

like the good ones because we have so many of these bad guys here it's gonna hit our fellow dads so I'm gonna try and run out and tell everybody to move towards the door so we can bottleneck them at the door okay I'm gonna be like get out of here everybody we gotta go so you run towards the door as you approach the door the doors slam shut in

in front of you. Not balls. And you hear their boom echo through. Well, I mean, they slam as shut as they can because there's literally a line of handicapped people around there. So they kind of shut and they just like smash the person who's there like that guy in dread. Oh God. Oh God. So they slam inward and they smash whoever's there. And so there's just a chain going through this door that's got balls

bloody jelly all over it and stuff. Oh my gosh. It's not great. It's not great. And a gust of wind blows backward from the doors. It's not like a normal wind. It's actually, I mean, to Glenn it probably is because it smells a little bit like pot smoke. And... Daryl tries to hold his breath. It basically is this like shockwave that goes through the entire room and it knocks over all the people in chains and it knocks you down and when it hits the avatars of death they just...

and like turn into tatters and they are dissipated. Wait, what? Well, that would have been helpful at first. Looks like my one, two punch work, boys.

Once again, the Glenn Close plan goes off without a hitch. Add it to the pile, my man. You hear a familiar voice say like, I mean, I don't I wouldn't take all the credit for that or maybe any. And you turn and you see that at the judge's bench is no longer the old woman that you saw when you came in some random stranger. But it is now Bill Close, Glenn's father.

The dragon looks at him and goes, I don't understand. How did this guy jump the queue? It's supposed to automatically summon the judge for whoever's next in the queue. And now we're just going for this guy. And Bill goes, uh, yeah, I guess so. The dragon goes, okay. The trial of the people of Faerun versus Glenn Close begins. Order in the court. Your father raises his gavel and he brings it slamming down. And he says, court is in session.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Thurand is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Early on in the life of this podcast, we had a system of volunteers transcribing and correcting transcriptions through Google Docs. And more recently, we've begun standardizing our process, which means we no longer need the hard work of volunteers. So I want to take a

quick moment and thank the folks who have put in their time and effort into getting this podcast transcribed and formatted. They are in alphabetical order, Austin Baker, Blue Fangs, Caitlin McVicker, Kathy, CJ, Dorothy Manuel, Elijah Hanks, Gabby Hendricks, Graham Bickford, Jordan Eichmann, Kaylee Todd, Kinetic,

Megs, Melissa Mendez, aka Walter the Monkey, Misha, Optical Delusions, Rebecca Shane, Rolf Morlant, Roxy Moonhaven, Ryan Flynn, Sean Morrell, Tenman, and Zoe Sherman. There may have been more who have helped, so if I didn't read your name out loud, I apologize. But to everybody who took time to help us with transcriptions, our deepest thanks.

We're working through the backlog now, but transcriptions will be linked to from the episodes on our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com. Thank you also to our Patreon supporters, whose patronage allows us to continue to crank away at this podcast. Folks like Isaac Marin, Lev Goldener, Mehmet, Austin Schwarzengruber, Paige Miller, Megan Watt, Stacey Smith, Bubble Goddess, Cameron Jackson, William Hammett, Jeff Gadban, Aidan White, Sarah Quinn, and Andrew DeAngelis.

We do have a slew of Patreon bonuses coming at you in the next couple of weeks, including an early look at the Pokemon Go to the Polls election one-shot, as well as the long-awaited Walter and Payton one-shot where Anthony plays Walter and Payton and we the players act as the DM. That turned out very funny and that's going to be out very soon.

Also, check out the Patreon for an exclusive new Mountains of Dadness poster by Mandy Carr at the touring level, and you can find it all and support the show directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Follow us on Twitter, dungeonsanddads, reddit.com slash r slash dungeonsanddaddies for the subreddit. Thank you so much for listening. Next episode's coming at you November 10th, so we'll see you then. There was a time we wanted to know they never brought you

Real quick, Anthony, do you want horsefacts.biz? I could get that for you. You could be anthony at horsefacts.biz. I can't think of anything I would like less. But you're more than welcome to do that.

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