Ep. 38 - Clone Tree Hill
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This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid.

So first, call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee with your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 in order. Additional terms apply. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description.

Time once again for the Phandalin Murder Sports Play of the Day, brought to you by Cancun Chicken. It's summertime, which means that the Frosted Gelatinous Cubes are back. Each cube comes with a limited edition engulfed Cancun Chicken keychain. Collect all five for a limited time only at participating Cancun Chickens. See me, I pair that with their salty slat salad, and I know I'm in for a good time. And you can't go wrong with their sizzling Fire Beetle Fajitas. No, sir, you cannot.

Today's play comes from Balls Deep, where the newly renamed Glen Bowl games have seen some rough attendance numbers recently. Post-game, Doodler Center, Darryl Wilson having a huddle with his son QB Grant Wilson. Some real intense emotions on the field and off the field here. Darryl tries to bridge the emotional gap between father and son.

Tease up his opener. Almost stumbles here when he tries to relate to Grant, a similar shared traumatic experience in his own childhood, but get this, he implies it was easy for him. Rookie mistake. Let's go now to the Bullywugs' walk this way slow-mo cam. Take a look at Grant's face here as he processes this.

big blunder from the big man himself, not quite achieving the empathetic effect he was going for. Fortunately, Daryl catches his error in the nick of time before it sinks the whole play. He quickly clarifies that his own experience should not be held as the standard to which Grant should judge his own body. Booyah! That's right, some key wisdom dropped here, reminding Grant that we all as autonomous beings have our own emotional paths to walk, and he seals the deal here by explaining he draws his emotional strength from his family and sources outside himself.

A powerful reminder that we're not alone in our respective journeys. Dad and Lad share some emotional catharsis here in the empty stadium, and Daryl scores some extra dad points by embarrassing Grant in front of his unreciprocated crush. What a finish. Lucky the refs weren't anywhere near this play. Would have thrown the flag for excessive celebration, am I right? And that's the play of the day. Up next, is Glenbowl violent enough? A new study by the Fairwind Sports Safety Board says it could use more murder. ♪

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Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a loose tabletop role-playing game podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms on the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the bard slash rock and roll cover band dad of the group. This week's Glenn fact, I'm going to take everybody here on a little bit of a journey through the English language. All right, I'm going to go. So I'm just going to go through a piece at a time.

Glenn believes nobody should ever wear a mask. Unless they're being recorded, potentially doing something that might be considered illegal, depending on the jurisdiction. Which in our modern surveillance society means Glenn thinks people should wear masks all the time. But only in public.

And in the bedroom. Wow, that was a journey. A journey for you. I did a 900. I was like Tony Hawk doing a 900 on Glenn. They had us in the first half. Does he film the bedroom? Glenn doesn't kiss and tell. He doesn't kiss anyone if he's got a mask on in there. Yeah, that's true. Actually, we got stuff going on in there. All right. That was a good one, Freddie. Freddie started. Here, dear listener, let me part the veil for a moment. Before this podcast, Freddie was like, oh, gee whiz, I have to go first. I always have a bad dad fact.

You know, just to like kind of set our expectations low so he could kick the door down with clearly like a banger dad fact ready to rock. So fuck you, Freddie. That one's on my sticky notes. That's more effort than I've ever done for a dad. Get ready for my failure. God damn it. Yeah. My name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay at home coach dad who becomes a barbarian when he enters the Forgotten Realms.

Not a journey, just very simple. I'm sorry, I was just like, who becomes a barbarian when he enters his life? Well, okay, okay. First of all, you got to be a barbarian before anything starts. Well, you and I are on the same page because I know that you laughed when Freddie paused after saying, a loose D&D podcast.

Simple dad fact. I was just going to say, Daryl's one of the... This is also like my dad's dad fact. Daryl's one of those guys, he takes great pleasure in essentially making his shoes last as long as possible and in fucking his wife. Well, his new balances? He takes great pleasure in making fucking his wife last as long as possible. As long as possible.

With shoes on. Does he wear the New Balance in the bedroom? No, he doesn't wear his New Balance in the bedroom. Why not? He wears his dress shoes in the bedroom, baby, because it's a temple in there. Oh, God. And you always wear your dress shoes to temple. It's a church. It's mixed up. Oh, man. This is a rowdy episode. It's rowdy. No, let's go on. It's got that energy. I love it. I love it. He's got that arch support. You know what I mean? I don't know.

My name is Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the Birkenstock rockin' munchy, crunchy, hippie, druid, granola dad of the dads. And he's a druid. And my dad fact for Henry this week, little themed dad fact for the upcoming release of Rocks Rock, the geology-themed rap EP. Which is imminent. Imminent. We're doing final touches on it, and it's going through a mixing mastering stage.

And then it's coming out. It's very fucking good. Okay. Fun fact about Henry is that Rock's Rock is not the first jam that Henry has dropped.

Because Henry makes jam, guys. Fuck off. Henry has a line of jam. Go fuck yourself. Henry has a line of jam called, this is my jam. And he doesn't realize that that's a pun because he's never heard the phrase jam used for music before. So he's just like, this is my jam. This is my jam. And I'm Henry and this is my jam.

You're probably asking what flavor jam does Henry make? Nope. And the flavor is just whatever fruits he can find around. He kind of forages. It's whatever's left over in the fridge. So it'll be like apple and blueberry and like a couple old grapes are in there. And then so like every jar of jam is a little different. It's a little special jam. He brings that jam into the bedroom, right?

I was so positive that you were about to say toe jam that anything else that you said was totally forgivable. Henry doesn't put toe jam in his jam. He does scrape most of the mold off of it before he, I'm like squirrel. Yeah. A little LA humor for everybody. A little LA food humor for those in the know. Wink, wink. You might see it on Twitter. You know. We talk about fireworks and jam here in LA. We're all depressed. Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Showbiz, baby. Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that his favorite class in high school was shop. That checks out. Because he would just ditch school and go to the mall.

And then he wouldn't buy anything. He would just kind of like hang out at the mall. Did he think that that was what shop was? Yeah. Well, like, I think probably both. I think that he probably wanted to take home ec, but his dad made him take shop because like it's like a shop. And then like shopping should be shopping. And so he went to the mall, but he probably didn't have any money. And so just like. So did he think he was failing shop? No, I mean, I think. I kept going, but I'm not doing well. I mean, like he's studying. I think that everything that he knows about. Oh, okay.

was just like in one Westfield mall. And business. Culture and business. People like, oh, who do you have for a shop? And he's like, I have Claire's. I have Spencer's. I have Spencer. I just realized that Ron is a character from Third Rock from the Sun. Like, I just finally accepted that's what he is. I never watched it. It's a good show. You don't have to. Does it hold up? I know.

I have no idea if it holds up. It's more than five years old and it's a comedy. Frazier sitting here. Is like French Stewart, like his character super problematic or something? I don't know. Why am I asking Anthony? Anthony doesn't know. I haven't watched in a while. It's probably a great show, everybody. Probably hysterical. I actually just found out about the Simpsons hams meme. Oh, the steamed hams meme? The steamed hams. Oh, okay.

You're in for a treat. I was. I was in for a treat. It really gave me almost the joy that I had experiencing loss for the first time. You guys are in for an unforgettable luncheon. I'm so excited. God. Very good.

Oh, boy. Hey, it's me. It's Anthony Burch. It's your dad. Hey, dad. I realize I don't have it. Like, Freddie was trying to bemoan the fact that, like, I'm going to go first. I have to come up with a very small bit of improv before anybody else. I don't have a character, so I don't get to. I just have to come up with things from my life. Just tell the truth. And further erode the barrier between artist and audience.

So people know what my torso looks like now. That's the point, Anthony. You have to be the hot, sexy one that everyone loves. With a scarred torso. You're our Matt Mercer. You gotta do it. I refuse. Does Matt Mercer have a C-section scar? A fan art of himself? Oh, absolutely. Hold on, hold on. I'm just checking WikiFeet for Matt Mercer really quick. Just hold on one second. Ooh.

Nothing. No search results. Are there no dudes on WikiFeed? I'd say there are precious few dudes on WikiFeed. Your dad facts should just be about how hot you are, Anthony. No, it's hot Glenn Summer. Anthony's dad fact is just about how hot Matt Mercer is. Yeah, Anthony's dad fact. Honestly, when I met Matt, I was like...

That's not fair. Like, I've never seen him. I want to look him up. He's very, very handsome. He's got like a Michael Fassbender face. Matt. This is a good use of the top of our podcast. It's just Googling how hot other D&D hosts are. If you like D&D podcasts where the host is hot, definitely don't listen to this one. Listen to Critical Role.

And maybe NAD pod. I don't know what that guy looks like. What's a fun Anthony fact? The Last Jedi is my second favorite Star Wars movie. What's your first favorite? My first favorite is New Hope. Oh. Oh. Well, I don't care. It wasn't just for you. I don't exist to please you.

I couldn't even pretend to be interested. Is that the fucking rubric for whether or not a dad fact is good? Is it Master Arnold thinks it's okay? Anthony, you're not talking your way out of this one. Matt just blew you out of the fucking sky, dude. God. All right, fantasy world bullshit.

When last we left you all, you'd found the anchor in Balls Deep, but basically decided, knowing that its destruction would bring back all of the memories of Daryl's father, Frank, into Hayden. Yep. You are carrying it with you. And so it's just sort of a thing that you have now. And it's full of Gatorade of different flavors. Yes, it is full of like one or two drinks worth of many different potions that I probably should have balanced better, but forgot to. Yeah, but we only got a couple of drinks. That's the balancing. That's the supper bowl? Yes, the supper bowl.

That is the anchor. You have it with you. Everyone is, including Peyton, is now aware of the fact that he is a homunculus with the soul of Daryl's father in it. And I'm presuming that you headed back to Walter to grab some more kids to get on the next leg of your journey. Because there is... Switch him out. Do we have to roll for encounters to see if we fight some wolves on the way? No, absolutely not. If you want to, yes. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead, roll. Yeah, I wanted...

This is like a valuable part of D&D. I got a natty one, Anthony. Oh my gosh, Max. All right. Okay. I want to experience all aspects of D&D. Let's experience this. Give me a sec. I would have literally, if you rolled anything other than a one, I would have said, ha ha, some wolf show up and you killed it. But now that you rolled an actual one, I feel like something needs to happen. I swear to God, I've screenshot this.

Oh, boy. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Sorry, guys. Yeah. I'm just trying to learn how to play Dungeons and Dragons. We've been doing this for about a year or so. I'm trying to think. First, you're mean to Anthony. Now you do this to all of us. Now you actually want to play Dungeons and Dragons. Who the fuck are you?

I got a random encounter generator. Yeah, but that's not the same. Is that a sex thing? Yeah. Oh, sorry. This is a dating site. Oh, I'm sorry. Hot wolves in your area want to hook up with you. Oh, no. I know exactly what to do. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Oh, that's so scary. So nothing happens? All right. As far as you can tell...

Nothing happens. So we don't even get to roll because we're not even aware that we went into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not even aware. If everybody wants to, you can roll perception with disadvantage. Well, I have disadvantage anyway, motherfucker, because you ruined my character. And if half of you fail, then all of you fail. I got a two. Got a two.

a one failure. You got a one best. I got a one. I also rolled a one. So get them all out of your system now because trust me, once this shit kicks off, you're going to be very happy to not roll once. Okay. Anthony, not how probability works. Everybody. It is. No. Yeah. We had another baby. It would be a boy. That's how it works. Okay. So yeah, what happened was on the way back to Walter, you all just took a rest for the night and you had great sleep.

You woke up feeling refreshed and everything. Good bowel movements all around for everybody. Fine. Henry had a really solid PMBM, if you know what I mean. PMBM. Oh, God. PMBM.

What a shame. What a shame. All right, so we head into Walt's room. So then his morning ones are AMBMs. Yes, he's got the AMBM and the PMBM. And then he's done for the day. How regular is he? That feels unhealthy. Anthony, did we level up when we slept? Yeah, I told you, you leveled up as soon as you left the... Fuck yeah. Oh yeah.

Should have done this before the podcast started to record. About time we get a fucking break in this game. What, you're level eight now? Yeah. Wow. Manage levels. Congratulations on reaching level eight. You feel, as you all were eating on the field of Balls Deep and having fun and making fun of Gray and having a good old time, you could feel just a little surge of daddy magic within all of your hearts as Daryl's relationship to his son got closer and

I don't feel like individually making you level up on a different rate. So you all level up when any of you has a good relationship to one of your learning from each other as a community of dads. Exactly. Wow. Real Dungeons and Daddies is the friend that you made along the way. Oh shit. I can do a feat or an ability score improvement. Why don't you go look up one on WikiFeed? Yeah. Nice.

Yeah, should we do the feet options are really boring. They just have grappler. Yeah, it turns out when you actually play D&D, normal things happen in the mechanics. They want you to do normal ass stuff. There's a couple of feats here that really make me like, for example, there's one called Tower of Iron Will. And this makes me think that just Glenn like got a DVD about this guy named Iron Will. It's just like teaching you how to do like pushups.

No, it's teaching you how to race dog sleds. Iron Will, great Disney movie from 1997 about a kid who like runs the... No, it's totally real. Look it up. Oh, I remember this movie because the kid was named Will and I was named Will. Yeah, and it's like, it's a really heartwarming movie. Got a lot of great action. Unfortunately, it has Kevin Spacey, but you can ignore him. And, um...

Yeah, just like a real Disney heart dog winner. I'm going to get a feat called Tower of Iron Will. And this is what it is now. Canonically is Glenn remembers fondly this Disney movie. It's just basically like his like Mind Palace movie. And what this allows me to do is it says, quote, my mind's defenses are formidable.

After you or another creature you see within 30 feet fails a saving throw, you can use your reaction to roll psionic talent die and add the number to the saving row, potentially causing it to succeed. So now I need to watch this movie so I can like throw inspirational stuff at my companions to like help them out in case bad stuff happens. From your favorite movie, Iron Will. Is this on Disney Plus? Yes, it is. Ooh.

Okay. All right. That's what old Glenn's doing. It's no Balto. It's no Balto. Balto is like my first Disney crush is like the dog Balto voiced by Kevin Bacon. I have bad news. I don't think that's a Disney movie. No way. You're in love with a bootleg ass Robin Hood. No, it's a Don Bluth movie. Robin Hood is Disney, but Balto is Don Bluth. Don Bluth is sacred in my house, even though he's an asshole. Okay. Okay.

So you've all leveled up. Does anybody else want to talk about fun things that you get from leveling up? I am going to do grapple because it feels like it's a come on in for a hug, like a dad hug thing. Because essentially now when I grapple, I can roll for another grapple check. And then I pin the creature. And then both are restrained until the grapple ends. So it's like a big bear. It's a big dad hug. That's so in line with our BDSM podcast. Nice.

I chose ability score improvement, and so I improved my constitution and my dexterity. Nice. I chose ability score improvement, and I decided to improve wisdom twice since I have fucking disadvantage now. Sorry for the detour. No, it's fine. This is that crunchy stat stuff that people love so much. That's what people come to this podcast for. So you head back to...

to find Walter the Immoral at the predetermined location. Ooh, what is it? What's our predetermined location? I know, you get to decide, I guess. Are we going back to his home? I think that's where all the kids are. No, Matt, they're fugitives from our dad. They're driving around on that motorcycle. To their house? They're like a cool road gang, you know? They gotta ride. They gotta be free. They gotta feel free to do things. Before you guys head to the Balls Deep, I presume you were like, hey, in like seven days, meet us at this rendezvous. So like, where did you pick? I think Walter picked it because he knows the area.

You coward. The smallest amount of world building I put under your plate and you flick it back at me. Hey, I got it. I got it. We meet them behind this waterfall that we saw because I've always wanted to have a scene behind the waterfall.

Oh, cool. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Can I plus one that? What if this is called ass sweat? It's called the ass sweat. It's very close to ass sweat. Falls by balls deep. Yeah. I was going to say it's the one waterfall in this fantasy world that doesn't have a secret cave full of treasure behind it.

Yeah, it's just a regular cave behind it. It's a normal waterfall that's not actually has a lot of space behind the waterfall, so you're constantly getting pelted with water. They're just camped out next to the waterfall because no one ever comes to this waterfall because there's no cool treasure cave. But we said meet behind it because no one comes to this waterfall. Oh, okay. So we're all just squeezed in behind the waterfall. It's like in Lost World when they're hiding from the T-Rex.

So as you sidle up behind the waterfall, you see all the kids are soaking wet. Terry Jr. and Larkin Sparrow are playing Ninja, the hand game, the slap each other's hands thing. Classic. And you see a lot of bruises on Terry Jr.'s hands, and Larkin Sparrow are basically unmarked. You can also see... Actually, Henry, roll perception. Oh, great. Might as well just tell me to just fucking...

Shit in my hand here. I got a 15. So you can immediately see that A, Walter has a beard now. Whoa, frogs grow beards? Yeah, to show the time has passed. And B, Lark and Sparrow have tattoos on their arms. Excuse me? So fucking metal.

One of them has a tattoo that says sparrow and one of them has a tattoo that says lark. Okay. And they're the reverse. They're absolutely reverse. Yes. Yeah. Fucking right. I, I, do I need to roll another perception to tell them apart? Uh, yeah, go for it. Do it wrong.

I got a 12. Okay, with 12 you can see. So I rush out and I say, my two beautiful boys, what in tarnation? What the heck is this? Are these tattoos? And I grab their arms and look at them. They are indeed, father. We felt that it would be highly appropriate to honor the person that we loved most with a tattoo of their name. And so I, Sparrow, have a tattoo of my brother, Lark. And I, Lark, have a tattoo of my brother, Sparrow. And so we shall always be united in flesh.

Ansel. I got to admit, that pretty much melts Henry's heart. And he says, okay, I mean, I think you're a little young for tattoos, boys, but that's a very wholesome reason to get a tattoo. So in the future, you know, you have autonomy over your bodies, but like, I would appreciate a heads up just so as your parent, I can make sure that whatever you want to do, you're doing it in a safe way that you feel supported. Because I know a thing or two about tattoos going south. So like, you know,

I just wish in the future that I think we all need to communicate to each other as a family both ways before we make big choices like this. Henry, you got some tats? Oh, yeah. It's a long story, and I show him the Mercedes Benz tattoo on my back. It's because of my wife's name, Mercedes. It's like a cool thing to have. Oh.

Lark says, of course, of course. So I should ask permission or simply tell you that I am also going to get a skull tattooed on my chest very large across the entire torso, that my enemies may see death coming at them incarnate. Oh, and then your eyes could be your nipples. Exactly. Exactly. Glenn understands. Why don't we talk more about that when we get back to Earth, okay? Once we get back home. It's just I also think we need to, your mom needs to be a part of these conversations too. So, you know, I think that's probably the way we need to handle that.

I was thinking the other day about how like insane it was that Henry's tattoo artist accidentally did the Mercedes sign instead of the peace sign. Like what kind of person like doesn't know how to do a peace sign? Like that is so upsetting that you could pay money and somebody could be like, whoops, I accidentally did this car instead of like the peace sign. But they look really similar. But point of fact, I, every time I try to draw the peace sign, I'm like, wait a second. You're drawing on paper, not somebody's flesh permanently. And you're not a tattoo artist. Yeah.

To be fair, he could fix it, but he just hasn't. Walter sidles up to you guys and goes, I'm sorry about the tattoos. I didn't realize what they were doing. They did a stick and poke to each other before I could tell what was going on. Walter, you've got to speak up. Glenn, we're outside of the waterfall, man. Just come out here. You can be up on here better. I can't hear you guys. It's fucking cool, though. Glenn, it's very funny. We get what you're doing, but we're all out here. It's so cool.

There's nothing in the cave. I'm coming out. Hey, man, what's up? You got a towel, Walter? So, Walter, I do have... How do they get tattoos? Just a stick and poke thing. I have some ink and quill and some stuff that I lie around to, like... As you can see, I've done some visual design work on the motorcycle. And so, did they tattoo each other, or did you tattoo them? Oh, they...

Oh, they tattooed you. I never would have tattooed them. That's not my place. How did they learn how to make tattoos? That's like a prison tattoo thing. Boys, how did you learn how to make tattoos? Both of them in unison. YouTube! Ha ha ha ha!

It's like in Gladiator. Maximus, man. They don't even have phones. I don't know how he's muttering to himself. It seemed that they had researched it before they came to this world and were just waiting for an excuse. Hey, Terry Jr., are those tattoos on your knuckles and hands there? No, this is bruises from them. They hit me really hard. Oh, Terry, as your stepdad always tells you, never start a fight. Always finish them. I actually haven't done either.

I watched you finish a fight with what I thought was my dad.

Yeah, Ron, you've done some fights. Yeah, Ron, you kicked that guy's ass. Yeah, Ron, that was a Master Chief Halo finish the fight shit. Well, that wasn't a fight, son. That was a war. That's a fucking hard thing to say. That's a hard-ass thing to say. Well, I just meant that before I came into this world and became the strong, sturdy man you see before you, I wasn't much of a physical being. And, you know, there's nothing...

I mean, yeah, you should play them again and fucking kick their asses. Hey, Walter, how's it been going? Running? Like, have you have you guys been safe? Like, how's it been taking care of the kids? Like any word from our dads or anything? No, I haven't heard anything from your dads directly, but I've definitely run into a couple of their brownie hunters. We've been in some some tough scrapes, some fun sort of side adventures that could be explored in like a graphic novel format or some other media.

Definitely a lot of self-contained fun stories with these kind of characters that don't need to be in the main campaign. To have a lot of those. Hey, Walter, we heard something from one of our dads. Oh, yeah? What was that? My dad. And guess what? What? I pick up Peyton. I go, here he is. Behind Peyton? No, it's Peyton. Peyton's my dad. It's wild, right? Okay.

Payton is an eight-year-old boy. That's not your dad. But he's got... So, you know, we don't need to explain. It's a little complicated. But yeah, the soul of my dad is in Payton. He doesn't have his memories or anything yet. But if we break the bull that Glenn has over there, then his memories will go back in Payton. So...

Just so you should know. It's pretty cool. So could you not do that, though? Because Peyton's my son. He's my boy. Yeah, I know. We haven't done it yet either. Maybe he's your son, but he's my half-brother and Daryl's father. So we've all got sort of a little soap opera tie around him. And he's sort of the ultimate patriarch, if you will. Sort of the daddy of us all. Wait a second, guys. If Peyton is Daryl's...

Mm-hmm. And your brother. No, he's not Ron's brother. Walter's son. Does that mean that Daryl, that Walter is your step grandfather? The doctor was a woman. Yeah.

I guess, I guess so. But I think just, you know, for me to you, man, I feel like I went about this wrong way, but I think we kind of have to keep Peyton with us. I'm a little foggy on that. I'll be honest because it feels like, you know, I don't know where we're going next. I was going to kind of suggest that we maybe go see about my anchor next because like ever since I looked at that, the

the thing that will not be named. And Henry goes pale for a second. It's been a little harder to concentrate. I feel like I maybe. Oh, the poop. Don't. Ah. Ah. Ron, how can you just say it? You saw it too. Henry, take a D4 of damage. Wait, I can use like, Henry, there's this movie that I saw on Disney Channel years ago called Iron Will. Uh-huh. Inserting a thing later about Iron Will that I will look up. Ha!

Wow. Wow. What a cool and specific reference that you definitely came up with off the top of your head and didn't insert later by relooking it up and recording it, Glenn. Yeah, I know. I just have those off the top of my dome. So, you know, like... Man, that's so... I'm going to think of a really good joke for this moment later, so we can just add that into...

I'm going to think of a whole story arc and sort of stuff for you guys to do later. Can we just write all the dialogue now and add for the new podcast that I'll be doing later? OK, I got two damage. So he took two damage. No, I hear you, Henry. I guess the only thing is we don't know a lot about what your dads are doing. It does feel like no insult to you, Walter. But it feels like we probably don't want my dad's soul to get taken by William and those guys. It feels like he's probably safest, like with us.

By that logic, aren't all of our kids more safe with us, Daryl? Because like our dads don't want to. I know, but your dads don't want to kill our kids. We don't know what they want to do with. If you want to spend some time with your dad, I think that's wonderful. But I think you could just, you know, maybe shoot straight about it. That's all. Peyton's like, yes, son. Do you want to just hang out with your old man with your pops?

always throw the ball around I'll teach you how to shave I mean yeah that too I mean honestly I mean having paint around is dope I just you know anyways that's all we don't know what the dads want I just don't want I mean it's up to you I guess like he's my son but he's your dad so I feel like it's only fair if you could decide whether you want to keep him or not but I mean we're a team we can put up to vote it just feels like he's got a big magical thing here with us that we don't want to lose I guess maybe

Maybe we could ask him and that he's wise and that he's your dad, but he's also sort of young and with it because he's also a kid.

I definitely want to stick around because the chances of getting into a rowdy, rowdy fight with you boys is about a thousand times higher than with Daddy Walter. Sorry, Walter. You raise a good point, which is that if we meet someone along our journey who can separate Peyton's soul from your dad's soul, it'd be nice if we didn't have to come all the way back to the waterfall to get him and bring him back. Like, that seems like something we might want to do lickety split. Henry, you do bring up a good point, I gotta say, about

Hey, Walter, I can't help but realize that you couldn't even stop our kids from getting tattoos and beating up one of our other kids. Who got beat up? Who got beat up? Nobody got beat up. They're playing a game. Look at Terry Jr. Nobody got beat up. Your secret's safe with me, kiddo. Sorry, he's not feeling too well. He got kind of beat up. I didn't get beat up. They hit me on the hands hard. That's all. They just hit harder than I expected. It's okay. It's okay, buddy. Larkin, Sparrow, come here, boys.

Now, I'm sure you guys meant that you were horsing around with Terry Jr., but you know, it's a game. You can't hit people too hard, okay? Father, in the rules of Ninja, you must strike to kill with intent. And indeed we have, and indeed we did. We have not lost to

single game. Sparrow, I'm going to ask you, were you trying to kill Terry? I was trying to to win in such a way that he as a character in the game did not live anymore. I see. But how much does him not living in the game have to do with like how hard you hit him? Like if it's all in the game, then, you know, hit him really hard in your imagination, but maybe just give him a little tap.

You know, that way you guys can play longer too, you know? I received his consent. He said it was fine. Well, you know, sometimes people say things are fine because they're embarrassed because it hurts a lot, you know? Then I lean in and whisper like, just ask Grant about that one. Grant is just standing in the waterfall still and water just on his head. He's just standing there getting drenched. Terry has nothing to be embarrassed about. He's a good boy. Never been embarrassed. And if I need to kick the shit out of your kids, I'll

Do it. I don't think anyone needs to kick the shit out of anyone. Why don't you destroy your kids? Immediately, they fucking take stances. They're like, bring it. This is the day we've been waiting for since we met you and your mustache. By the way, Daryl seeing that Grant is just sitting there under the waterfall. Daryl's like, oh, good idea. And he takes his shirt off and he goes to go under the waterfall. He's like, guys, kind of clean up.

Nice shower down here. Wait, Ron sees Daryl take off his shirt and he thinks it must be like some sort of like fighting thing. Like, bro, I'm taking off my shirt. Everyone put their shirts on. I just, I just, I miss the rain. I just like getting. Glenn peels off his shirt, revealing rippling abs underneath. No.

Grant turns around for that one. Henry says to Larkin Sparrow, he's like, I'm not really a big fan of you guys playing this violent game. Like, I feel like why don't you and Terry play like a compliment game where we see like who can give each other like the most self-esteem lifting, life affirming compliment. Okay. Terry Jr. You are very good at withholding pain.

I guess that's a compliment. That's a start. Nailed it. I am the best. And he immediately slaps Lark across the face and he goes, ha ha! And he slaps him across the face. Gosh darn it. All right. Oh, jeez. Henry, I'm going to compliment your boys so good they're going to die. I don't know. Bring it, coward! You got two of the same person. Blessings. Congratulations. Now,

Now die. Prepare for a counterattack, Ronald. You have the ability to talk with your son and an emotional vulnerability that most adults can only aspire to. Hi-yah! That's great. See how much more fun this is? Ron dies. Ha ha.

We fucking destroyed him. Walter's like, so yeah, where are you guys going to be next? Just so I know in case there's an emergency or whatever. There was Oakvale, right? Where Henry's thing was. That seems like a weird coincidence. Hmm. Yeah. It is weird. I think about it. There was the meth bay where I think Glenn's anchor was. And then there was swankery hill where Ron's was. Daryl's been climbing up the waterfall, by the way, this whole time.

Sorry, what? With all the strength of a raging river? Yeah. Look, I feel like I need to sort out maybe if we go towards my thing, I can work through some stuff that'll get me past it. I just got anything to stop thinking about the... Anything to stop thinking about the you know what. Ooh, father, what did you see? I think the next stop we're going to do is the town of belly flop and then Daryl jumps from 30 feet up straight onto his belly. Oh, the poop! Ah! Ah!

Not a D4. There's a potential roll there where you hit your dingus real hard. I think definitely roll constitution or dexterity. Up to you. I rolled 18 plus. Whoa. Jesus. Belly flop champ. When you belly flop, it is the water that gets hurt. I pop up like nothing happened. Like I don't even sink. I just hit the water like jello. And then I just roll onto my back like somehow. And then I just like.

Do a backstroke over to the shore and I get up and I put my arm around Henry. I go, yeah, man, I think if that's where you want to go, I think it's Henry Stern, baby. Let's do this. Okay. I agree because I've noticed that when I'm not the dad that's getting the most attention, people think that I'm a good dad. And so if I'm just not...

If I'm just not having to be a dad in an active sense, then people just like things go pretty well for me. Except for the poop. I think we all are probably going to need to do our stuff first to help Ron do his thing. That's kind of my... You know what? You guys taught me a lot about opening up. Do you guys want to open up about my poop? It feels like you've brought that up a lot. Another G4. It hurts. Look, Daryl, I just...

There was something. I can't talk about it. And I just wish you would respect that and not bring it up. I will deal with it eventually. To quote one of my favorite people, we'll talk about it later. Okay. Father's winning the compliment game now. Destroy him, Father. All right. It does feel like something that Willie did, but we'll have to deal with that later. But okay. In that case, you're going to be taking Larkin Sparrow with you, I presume. I will take Grandpa. Oh, never mind. Okay.

Oh, this will be a fight that I, oh, we are going to destroy you slowly, piece by piece. Your entire psyche will turn into chocolate in our mouths. Okay, okay. Look, we're going to be going, this is our first time since we got separated that we're going on like a big adventure together. Indeed. I'm going to need you both to be real grownups, okay? I need you both to be on,

really good behavior and it's going to be really dangerous out there. And I know that you think that danger is fun and like a way to challenge yourself, but like you could get really hurt. You know, Lark Sparrow could get really hurt and Sparrow Lark could get really hurt or I could get really hurt. And if we have to come back to your mom and say that, you know, we got hurt or somebody, God forbid, something really bad happened to them. She's going to be heartbroken, you know, and you want to disappoint your mom like that? No. Do you want your mom thinking that, you know, we hurt ourselves real bad because we were being goofballs?

No. Okay then. So Sparrow and Lark is like, I think Mother would like to know that we were centurions out in the war years

Defending her honor and our own victory at every possible turn. I think she would be very proud of us. I think you're right. I think your mother would be very proud if you were brave and disciplined and respectful the way that a centurion is. You know, I remember seeing this movie 300. And while I wasn't like super hip with like a lot of the broader themes. That's a dope movie, Henry. It was racially problematic.

One thing you got to say about those Spartans is that they were disciplined and they controlled themselves. And they killed the weakest kids. Yes! He kicks the dude in the well. Hey, can you guys just give me a second here? I just, Lark, you are my warrior. But part of a warrior means like controlling yourself. And it means having focus. And it means not dying or getting hurt in a stupid way. Of course. You know, we all need to be a team here. And being a warrior is about being a team, right?

Yes, absolutely. We are Team Warrior. Team Oak Warriors. Go team. Go team. It's going to be O-A-K-I-L-L. Well, it's going to be, if I-L-L stands for I love Lark, and I pat him on the shoulder, and Sparrow.

We're Team Oak Hills. Team Oak Hills is a delightful nickname for us. Team Oak Hills on three. One, two, three. Team Oak Hills. I just want to say that 300 was the first rated R movie that Grant got to see because Daryl convinced Carol that it was historical and important.

So the moment he brought up... And Grant convinced Daryl that he was... Yeah, Grant kept asking over and over and over. Yes, Grant loves it, obviously, also because of the freaking hot dudes. But I just want to say in the background, Grant and Daryl are definitely doing this as Sparta over and over again in the pool. Like, he's just kicking Daryl into the water, and then Daryl gets him, and then he kicks him into the water, and they just keep doing it. Walter the Immoral bids Larkin Sparrow temporary adieu and hands them off into your custody. And if you guys want to leave, you can just leave now and head for Oakvale. I just want to really quick, Walter...

Again, just want to double check. Yeah, you're good, right? Like this is my kid. Like Grant, you're OK. You're giving me some shit about the tattoos and stuff like that. I didn't explain the tattoo thing happened while we were dodging arrows from a bounty hunter. And I was skillfully weaving us away from his attacks. OK, like I'm pretty much nailing it. Sorry, you guys got shot at by a bounty hunter.

Many times, yes. Oh, wow. Well, gosh, that sounds really scary. We are wanted people. Hey, thank you for keeping our kids alive, man. I appreciate it. No problem, man. No problem. Let's all say bye to our kids. Can we all say bye to our kids? Yes, do that. Okay. On three. Hey, Nick. One, two, three, bye. Bye, kids. I go, hey, Nick, you good? Yeah, I feel like I'm fucking killing it. Hell yeah, baby. I throw the horns. Abe was like on his own, kind of just like playing air guitar. Hell yeah. The second he saw you. Hell yeah.

I throw him the horns. He throws the horns back. God, I have the coolest kid, everybody. Ron goes to like ninja's wife, Terry Jr., but he hits him a little bit too hard on the hand. And he's like, oh, I'm sorry. I was just. What are you doing? No, I, you know, you gotta, you practice your skills. Did you see my hands bruise? That hurt even more.

I'm sorry. Well, I'll catch you later, kiddo. Yeah, I guess he will. Jeez Louise. Okay. So as you turn away from Terry, Terry turns to look at Grant and like sort of goes over and starts talking to him and you can't hear what they're saying. I walk over to Grant who I guess is talking to Terry Jr. All right. Well, then you hear Terry Jr. go, hey, are you okay? And then you show up so he stops talking. Oh, hey, Terry Jr. Hey.

Hey, man, I just want to say bye to Grant real quick. Okay, yeah, I'll leave you guys. It's all cool. It's not like a secret. Okay. Hey, Grant, you going to be good with just Walter? I mean, it's probably safer here than with us. I just want to make sure you're doing okay. I think I'll probably be fine if he can keep them, if he can keep the twins safe, I'm sure. Yeah. It's probably going to be a lot calmer. Honestly, Grant, compared, you know, Walter and Terry Jr. and Nick, I feel like you're probably the most responsible one of all these people. So,

You know, just hang in there, kid. So I just want to give you a quick and I take off my watch. I go, this was don't don't let Peyton see it because I know he's going to want it because it's my dad's watch. So I look and I go, this is my dad's watch. And, you know, I want you to have it. You know, I've always worn around my thing. Just, you know, keep good care of it. I'm sorry.

My dick. Yes, Ron. Yeah, that was wrong. Over your shoulders. Beth would never say something so awful. Grant, like, doesn't take it from you. I mean, he's like, this seems like a I'm going to if I'm going to die thing. I don't want to. That's. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. My dad gave it to me, actually, when I like the first day of Little League. Like, it's just been a lot too many. He gave me this Rolex when I played baseball. It wasn't a Rolex, Glenn. Why is that ridiculous?

they just know that when you're near grant they need to hide in a bush and eat just a nice watch it's not a big deal grant i mean it is it's it's great but like i should have given it to you sooner it's just you know you need to watch i know everybody's got iphones and whatnot now it's not a big deal but like you know it's my dad's watch i just want you to have it okay because i'm proud of you and and you've done a lot in the world you know here right now i would like you to wear it i'd like you to have it you don't have to wear it you could you

gonna do whatever you want with that i just want you to have it so grant takes it he goes all right thanks i appreciate it and he puts it on can can your old man have a hug god all right yeah please can you put your shirt on first oh yeah yeah of course i put my shirt on all right all right yeah bring it when i hug him i go bear hug

you're gonna get wet salmon and i jump into the lake with him and he goes into the water with you ruining your dad's watch yeah yeah immediately breaks your dad's watch oh my god i was like by the way that watch has not worked for a very long time damn it dad he just shouted god damn it dad but he's like you know everybody's laughing at him and he's got that like kind of performative anger that children have where they're basically trying not to laugh but they're still angry

kind of thing. Daryl walks away and he went specifically in the water because he's hiding all the tears he has as he's walking away from Grant. Oh my god. Wow, emotionally open Daryl is like a scary intense energy. It's like we just uncorked something and it's all coming out now. Unless there's anything else you'd like to do you head off for Oakvale.

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$45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only speed slower, above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamit mobile for details. Okay. So then you ride for a reasonable amount of time. Do we encounter any wolves? Yeah. Do you want to roll any? Yeah, let's do it. I want to do another encounter. I got a six, three wolves appear on the trailer in front of you. Three handsome, handsome,

Beautiful wolves. I cast wild shape and turn into a wolf. And then I cast speak with animals and I go up to the wolves and I say, hey guys. And then he goes and lives with them for the rest of his life. Hey, these guys are cool. I'm with them, all right? We're just going to go walk this way, all right? Roll persuasion. I'm like holding my axe. Are they cool, Henry? Henry goes, because he's a wolf and he, as many people pointed out to me, cannot talk to humans when he's in wild shape. Henry, can I pet one? No.

And Henry's like looking like, no, like don't ruin this for me. This is not, this is still a touch and go situation. Henry got a 20 on his persuasion. Jesus. So, uh, the wolves are like, yeah, all right, cool. They sniff Henry's butt. I sniffed their butts for sure. Yeah. And I'm like around a circle, everybody sniffing butts. Here's what happens is I sniffed the first wolf's butt and I go, nice to meet you, Steven. And then I would sniff the second wolf's butt and I go, ah, Tiffany, nice to meet you. And then it's like, as you can tell, my name is Henry.

Be well on your way. Walk the way of the wolf. Wait, I want to pet them first. My human friend Ron would like to pet you. Is that okay? With a nat 20, the wolf's going. Yeah, all right. I spend a half hour petting the wolf. Which way are you guys headed? Oh, yeah. As wolves of the land, do you know anything about a place called Oakvale? Oh, yeah. We try not to go there. Oh, why not? Yeah.

It's like just a lot of really tedious people. Tedious people. What does that mean? What do you mean by tedious? Like they're just, you'll, you'll see when you get there, they're just all a big pain and they love to eat like vegetables and stuff. So it's safe to be there. So we like tried to live there for a while, but they just with the, with the dancing and the petting and the like touching and it's a whole, it's a whole thing. Oh, that sounds kind of nice though.

I don't know. Then you should have a great time. Okay. Well, thank you for this information. May you be well wolves. Okay. We just say bye, but that's, I'm definitely a fellow wolf. I'm not a human in disguise. And I went, I'm like, go, go, go, go, go. Yeah. That's also something we say.

Like reverse, not a wolf Twitter. That was like the wolf equivalent of like Will bowing to somebody. We don't bow. So after a little bit, a day or so of travel, you come across a beautiful forest of trees. And it's unlike a lot of other forests you've seen in that every single tree, once you pay attention to it, once you really start looking, they're all like identical.

They all are like, they're angled in different directions and stuff, but they all have the same little knots on the trunks. They all have the same number of branches, the same arrangement of leaves. So it's like Skyrim? Behold, the forest of Clone Brush. Welcome to Clone Brush Forest. The

The tree on its own is like the May plus ultra of trees. It's like the quintessential tree that springs to mind when you think of what a beautiful tree looks like. But sort of copied and pasted over and over again, it loses a little bit of its impact and feels like having dessert for dinner. Looks like a control C, control tree sort of situation. Am I right? All right.

You get advantage for that. Oh, God. Despite... It being bad. What that was, you get advantage for that. Despite that, you get advantage. As you get closer to the center of this forest, you hear singing. Many voices, old and young, male and female and non-binary, all sort of singing harmoniously together with one another.

It's a looping melody of like three or four seconds that is very pleasant at first. But as you get closer and you start hearing it a little bit more, it's beginning to get just like a little bit irritating. I know what it sounds like. It's ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da.

That's exactly what it is. Wow, is that? What is this place? Look at all these trees. They're like, they're identical. Hey, Henry, you're like a geologist, man. How does this, is that like, you don't know tree science. That's not trees, Glenn. You know, I've known a couple biologists and treeologists. I can't remember what the technical term is. I'll record that in later. Oh.

I mean, Lark and Sparrow are twins. I guess you could have twin trees. And this is like a lot of trees that have the same DNA. I guess it's possible. I mean, you know, a garden witch that knows a lot of trees. So maybe they're just related to these other trees. That's a great idea. I grab a leaf and I say, hey, Aaron. And Aaron's face appears on the veins of the leaf. And she goes, what it is. Hey, Aaron, can you see if I hold this leaf up? Yes. What's the deal with these trees? They're all identical. Oh, gross. Ew. Oh, you're

you're in Oakvale, I guess. Yeah, we're heading towards Oakvale to find my anchor. There's a sort of mysterious singing going on as well. Well, the singing, I don't know, but whatever's going on with the trees, they were essentially magically designed. You know, normal tree, you grow it, it comes to fruition. It's a natural process. It has its own life. It's a beautiful thing. That's why I love trees. But whatever the hell this is, is like someone found a tree that they liked and

and basically took the form of it and magically made it over and over and over and over again just because they thought it was aesthetically pleasing. Like, whatever place you're in was designed. It's not natural. Wow, so we're like in the Ikea forest. Yeah. Like, we're in a prefab forest. Oh, that's very unsettling. Can you control them?

Aaron? No, no, I can't because they're not connected to the earth. If I found the original one, I could control that one, but all the facsimiles, no. And I don't control them. Like, I talk to them. Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just my whole worldview. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, thanks, Aaron. Hey, anything else you can tell us about Oakvale as we're heading there? These wolves told me it was really boring. Yeah, no, I've heard that people there are, like, a lot. I've heard they're, like, a lot. It's good, it's good, it's good.

So, yeah, I mean, I can't. I would be very, very careful. Back in our world, there's a group of people that are really a lot, and they live by a silver lake in the city of Ames. I'm not saying it should happen, but if worse comes to the worse, and you end up killing them all and burning the horse down...

My trees are still looking for a place to chill that is like cool. Are you saying you want me to commit tree genocide? Or tree gentrification? First of all, first of all, treason was right there. First of all. Second of all. No, I'm just saying where you guys go, rowdy things happen. So if it does happen, just let me know. This is why I didn't think we should split the money with her. She's a murderer. I'm not.

saying do a murder. I'm just saying if a murder happened, you would benefit from it. You're saying wipe out the local population so your trees can move in. That is called settler colonialism and I bid you good day and I hang up the leaf. Hell yeah, Henry. Yes. Alright. We got enough of that back home. We don't need to bring that crap here. Let's go on, guys. I'm ticked off now. Jeez Louise. I hope she'll still help us when we ask for help though.

She probably will. If you continue toward the singing, if you want to like move stealthily, you can to sort of not be noticed. You just have to roll for that. Or you can just like walk in like you own the place. I think we should be cautious. There's a movie. I think it's called...

midsummer on earth i didn't watch it because it looked really scary but like you know if you sometimes you hear happy singing in a forest and you think oh that's nice but if it's a little creepy you should be cautious i would recommend that's the shakespeare movie right i don't think there's ever been a situation where if you heard weird singing in the forest that ever ends up good so i mean there's always there's the renaissance festival that's a good thing

We can send Ron in. Ron's stealthy. We have Ron scouted out so we don't get the kids in trouble. Ron, do you think you could scout this out? Maybe I could go along with Ron as like a little bird or something like that. That's true. So that we could maybe get an eye on the place and I can help out Ron if he gets in trouble. Yeah. All right. Let's see. How am I going to be stealthy?

I think I'll just sort of walk quietly toward the sound. That's a good start. Yeah. Master of stealth. Yes. Before we do that, I turn to Daryl and I say, Daryl, this is very, very important. I need you to...

Put 99.9% of your energy into making sure my sons don't follow me into that forest. Because the second I leave, they are going to try to just go do something crazy like they always do. And I am entrusting you to be their dad in temporum. Henry, I put my hand on his shoulder. I'm like, Henry, you're the QB. I'm the center. Those two kids, your two kids, I'm the QB.

They're the front line of the other team. They're not getting near you. Okay. Don't you worry. I'm stopping them. I appreciate it. And I'm going to treat them like my own kids. Nothing's going to happen to them. Glenn is already playing ninja with them. Boys. And I. They're like, yes, yes, yes. And I refer to all three of you, I guess, when I say that. I am going to go scout out this singing with Ron. Mr. Wilson is in charge. So you need to listen to him and do what he says. Okay. What?

No. Clint, what are you... Clint, Clint, Clint, come on. Help out here. What? We're playing Ninja. That's cool. You guys can play Ninja. You guys can play Ninja with Mr. Close. Okay, game on. Ow, ow. Oh, he's a sneaky one. Okay. I like him. I like this one. Don't worry, Harry. I think as long as they're doing this, they're not going to go anywhere. Okay, good talk, boys. Ron, let's roll. Daryl, by the way, jumps into Ninja. I mean, he's competitive and he loves freaking games like this, so he's just absolutely jumping in.

And they say, ooh, big boy! And they immediately gang up on you. I turn into a cricket, and I sit on Ron's shoulder. Aw! Nice. Give him life advice. Okay, Ron, give me a stealth check. That is a 17 plus... 24 or whatever. That is a rowdy boy. You love to see it. You really do. Okay, so with that banger of a stealth roll, you manage to get pretty close to the singing, and you can see that in the center of this forest, there is basically...

A little sort of civilization that has been created in the center of these trees. In the distance, you can see a big temple, and you seem to be in a residential town sort of area, but everything is all tents. You just see a lot of tents right next to each other. You see somebody grilling asparagus. You see somebody brewing kombucha over on the side. You see a bunch of, like, what's the word I'm looking for? Dirty hippies? You see...

You see what seems to be a sustainable, very healthy commune of people. And right now they're all dancing around in a circle, just sort of singing the Nokia ringtone to each other over and over again. And you can also actually roll a perception. Oh, yes. The two perception dum-dums.

Oh, whoops. I got an 18. I got a 16. So you can see that while everything around you is this like beautiful, lush, verdant shade of green, like Windows 95 default desktop levels of like picturesque. Of bliss. In the distance, you can see that there is a rather large and unusual looking metal door sort of set into the ground, like flush. Like it's like a door. A hatch. Yeah, actually kind of, I guess. Yeah, there's a hatch.

But what's inside this one is hopefully better. Fuck you. Dang. I'm quitting. Call in your shot. Oh, it's a guy at a terminal. Big fucking deal. It's a Trader Joe's. It's a Trader Joe's. All that stuff that I just described to you, that's sort of like the second thing you notice. The first thing that you notice is that all these people who are dancing around and singing at each other, they look a lot like Hatties.

They look like relatives of Henry at the very least. What is? They all have the same color hair. They all have very similar facial structure. They're all kind of whatever you imagine Henry looks like, dear podcast listener. Imagine that like writ large. The island of shaggies. Does Ron notice this? Yeah.

Both of you do. Is Henry picking up any anchor vibes? Is that going on? Yeah, you can tell that whatever you're looking for is probably either in that temple or it's in that hatch. They're both in the same basic area of the sort of village and they're distant and it's between you and those two people.

points of interest are all the people. OK, upon seeing all of these people that look a lot like him, like a really deep seated fear just comes over Henry and just kind of grabs him in the pit of his stomach or his thorax or whatever cricket has. And he fights it down and he

he has this sharp vision in his head of a door with a bunch of surging light behind it, pounding open. And he manages to, in his head, just keep it shut for another moment. And he looks to Ron and like, he taps Ron with like a little cricket hand. What's up, Henry. And then, cause he can't talk cause he's a cricket. Henry makes like little SWAT team gestures, like with his cricket hands to like, to suggest that we like go around this place. No. Yeah. They all look like you, that one. And that one. I,

Henry shakes his head and he says, and then he kind of tries to mime out again. Like he pretends to hide behind Ron and then like sneaks across to the other shoulder and then nods like you get it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So I should look like you so that I could blend in here and just sort of walk across the

So Ron digs into the dirt ahead of him and gets like whatever horrific mud, like worms and stuff that he can like dig up from the ground and just puts it all over his body. Just like whatever can make him smell absolutely horrific. Just like completely filthy. Just like end of apocalyptic YA novel filth levels. Bleeding, openly dying worms.

smelling like gangrenous intestines. Okay. Damn. And then, yeah, he just walks with Cricket Henry kind of fake cheerily trying to blend in to the rest. So are you going to walk like through or past the group of people or are you trying to like sneak around the trees and stuff or what's the story? Not sneak so much as like to be very careful behind the trees but just sort of like quickly make a beeline for, do you want to go for the temple? Try to blend in. Yeah, just try to blend in. The temple is...

Okay, so it's more of a deception check than a stealth check. Oh, I don't like that. Okay, go ahead and give me one of those then. You just fucked yourself, son. I got a 19, so go fuck yourself, dad. Yeah! Fucking shit. Okay, so you manage to confidently walk past all these other people that look a lot like Henry Oak, and your nose is filled with the... I think Ron does like a, like pumps his fist like, veggies! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yum. Very good. So you've made it past this initial group of these people. Where are you headed? To the hatch or to the temple? So, Ron, do you go around a corner? Do you hide at all anywhere? No. So I think we're going to the temple. Okay. I'm so happy that you put your entire fate in Ron's hands. I know. I was like, shit, I can't talk to Ron. Well, I mean, I feel like if you point with your little cricket hands, like I did. Yeah, that worked so well last time. Okay.

I tap on Ron and I point towards the temple. Like, let's check there first. Okay. And I go to the hatch. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All right, let's go to the temple. As you get closer to the temple, Henry, you can feel inside your daddy heart that this is where your anchor is. It's somewhere in this temple. The temple is pretty tall. Like, it stands out amongst everything else in the village that you've seen because everything else is very humble, very small, very low to the ground. The trees are as high as they get. You can't see the top of this temple because-

Its roof goes above the canopy of trees. It's large. It seems to be made of stone, something a lot sturdier than anything else you've seen surrounded. It's a good thing you went there first. You can climb up to the top and get a whole, like, you unlock the rest of the map if you get to the top of the tree. Yeah, and then you dive off into a big bale of hay. But yeah, outside... Guys, gamer references are only funny when I do them. I'm sorry. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Beth had the exact same reaction when I did one. I so checked out by that point that I just like wasn't even. There is a big set of steps leading up to a very large ornate door with some carvings in it you can't make out from here. And standing in front of that door are two people who again look like relatives of Henry Oak, but they are the only people thus far that you've seen that are clad in some sort of armor and they're holding sabers. Hmm. And they're just standing there. Shit.

I need to stop being a cricket. Okay. Okay. We'll, we'll jump back to the other group. How about, can we check who's winning the game? Uh, everybody that's pretty important right now is I want to know if I'm winning. Glenn and, uh, Daryl roll dexterity. Yes. Shit. Shit. Six total. Oh God. Four plus one, five. Yes. Yes. Mark is fucking annihilating all of you.

Lark rolled a 17. Lark is like the wind. You don't realize you've been hit until it already happened in his hand. Our hands are bruised up. Yeah, your hands are totally bruised up. He's hitting you way too hard. He did not listen to what Henry was saying. Lark, kid, man, I think soccer is just not your game. You got the skills. You should, like, hockey. Like, look at this. Look at your, maybe tennis. Look at your freaking hand-biker edition. I am interested in no game save for the most dangerous, sir. Which one's that? Hunting people. Warfare. The art of combat.

Oh, okay. Well, okay. Well, you know, you'll figure that out at some point. That's not really a game, but yeah, let's do another round. I've grown tired of this. You are no challenge to me, you. Oh, that's because I'm not left-handed. I've been playing with my left hand the whole time. Really? Yeah. Well then mayhaps a wager mayhaps. And Sparrow goes, Ooh, I do love a wager. Yeah, me too. But I'm going to sit this one out. No, no, no. Glennon, we need you. That's two versus you two.

If you can beat me in a game of Ninja, then I will follow my father's instructions and respect you as my elder. If I beat you, however, I do what I wish, and we will search for our father in the singing forest. I'm so happy someone else has to deal with these fucking kids for once. Lark, Sparrow, we can keep playing the game, but either way, you're going to have to listen to your old man. Roll dexterity again.

That time, that is a straight up natural 20. Oh, shit. You piece of shit. You motherfucker. With plus one, so 21. I got four, but now 20. What is he going to do? What is he going to do that I'm going to stop him? They both just went, run for it. And they just ran in the other direction. Just like started sprinting. And I guess you caught them. I instantly ran and I picked them both up by their collars. And I just hold them. I go...

kiddos, it is dangerous. Your dad's gonna be back soon. This is fun. We get to play. You can do whatever you want with me and Glenn here. We get to play some ninja. We can play another game if you want, but you're not going after your old man. It's dangerous. You understand? And Sparrow goes, yes, but perhaps the most loving thing we can do at this moment is to respect our father and our godfather, temporary father's wishes, and just stay here for the moment, Lark. And Lark is like,

I will listen for now, but at some point you will have to sleep. Yeah, we'll see. There should be just a side quest where like at some point Larkin Sparrow get kidnapped by like bandits and it just resolves itself. We just have a whole thing where we go, no, we've lost him. It's like that whole Julius Caesar side quest where Julius Caesar got kidnapped by pirates and then managed to talk his way out and then came back and killed them. Like,

Yes, exactly. Tell you what, kids. How about, I know you want to prepare for combat. Tell you what, I saw some fish in that lake. Why don't we sharpen some sticks and we can go fishing? Fishing? Mm, yes. That's sort of like fighting, but against a much weaker foe. I guess I can support this. Go ahead and break some sticks and I paw out the knife that I took from Peyton. Peyton's going to be like, ho, ho, ho, well.

Let's not flash that in front of... It's mine. Can I have that back now? I've learned my lesson. We'll share together. I'll show you guys how to carve some wood and we'll go ahead and we'll sharpen some sticks and we'll go swimming. Anthony, how do the animals behave? Are they like a Disney animals? Do they flit about like just knowingly and lovingly towards us? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. So there's a lot of birds do that. You find that a couple of animals, when you come up, I have the same sort of look on their faces. The wolves that you met, they're just like, oh, these people. And they're just heading in the opposite direction. But some of the birds are like, hey, how are you doing? Nice to meet you. Hello. Hello. Hello. We can hear them.

Yeah, they speak English. What? Wait, bury the leaf. So like, Daryl's like sharpening the stick and he's like, what did you say, Glenn? I didn't say anything. What? Hello, hello, welcome to Oakvale. Oh, you're all so pretty and so sweet looking. What the hell is that? Look at those children. Three children. I love them. Which one's cuter? Hmm, they're all so cute. I can't decide. Glenn puts a single finger out to be like, will this bird perch on my finger? The bird immediately perches on your finger and is like, what?

I think you're at the perfect size. How are you doing? I am... I was gonna say sparrow.

Sparrow with, like, S-P-A-R-R-O. Sparrow. Sparrow. My name is Sparrow. What a pleasure to meet you all. Glenn holds Sparrow up real close and is like, Daryl, is this bird named Sparrow talking? Yeah, it's talking. Don't worry. It's talking. It's talking. Hey, do all the animals talk here? Like the fish, too? Yes. Any animal that lives in Oakvale gets the ability to communicate with the residents of Oakvale. It's one of the many gifts installed upon us by our benefits.

I love it. Sorry, kiddos. I don't think we can fit. I feel, you know me, I like eating meat, but I feel a little weird killing animals that can speak to us. So I think we're going to have to take a pause on the fishing. Oh, I can't believe you would get us so excited. And then, oh, this is, this is. I'll teach you how to throw. We'll throw the spears at the trees. We'll teach you. I'll just teach you how to throw some spears like javelins. Yeah, fuck Aaron. Oh, okay. If you teach me how to throw a spear accurately, I am sure that will never come back to haunt you. Yes. Yes.

That could be your sport. Track and field. You guys are talented at a lot of stuff. Javelin. The javelin throw. All right. So, wait. What were you saying about the benefactor? Sorry. There's a lot going on here. Yeah. Hey, Bird. What are you talking about with this benefactor? What benefactor? Yes, yes, yes. The lovely benefactor, Barry Oak.

What? Say that again? Bari Oak? His name is Bari Oak. I guess the bar is the less weird thing than the oak. Oak? His last name's Oak? Yeah. Bari Oak. He's the person that made this lovely world for all of us. This lovely corner of the forest. Yeah. I mean, it makes sense. This place is called Oakvale. It's a little coincidence that it's Henry's name, but, you know, oak's a common tree, so. Wait. What? Bari Oak.

Daryl? No. Hey, Largasphere, what's your grandpa's name? On our mother's side? No, no, no. His name is Pablo Garcia. No, no, no, no, your dad's side. Barry. His name is Barry. Oh, Barry. Daryl, it's okay. That one's named Barry, not the same guy. No, wait. They might have walked into a trap. There's two guards in front of this big tower. Yes. All right, I tap Ron again, and I point to, like, a nearby bush. Like, like, like. Uh, yeah. Uh. Ha ha ha ha.

I go toward the bush, and I just stand next to the bush. Henry de-crickets and turns back into himself. Shit, am I naked now? No. Fit right in, baby. I thought we said that, like, when I turn into, like, an animal, like, my clothes don't turn. Oh, we did say that, didn't we? Ron might have carried your clothes with him, though. Okay, great. So I turn back into myself and say, hey, Ron, thanks for holding my clothes, and I start putting my clothes back on. I mean, it's not like I could wear them, and Ron looks fondly at the pants. Yeah, sorry. Aww.

Yeah, I guess all the people in the center of town just saw a pantsless, mud-covered person walking back and went, yeah, that checks out. Henry, do you think this place has like an elevator or whatever? Because those stairs are pretty steep and I'm kind of beef. Ron, I gotta admit, I'm freaking out here, man. I'm really scared. Why are you scared? Is it because everybody looks like you?

Yeah, man, what the heck is going on? Like, this place feels really familiar, but I've never been here before. Like, this is, that door just, I just, I don't like it. That door? I don't feel safe. I just feel like we need to get out of here. But I know the anchors are here, so, like, I don't know what to do, man. I'm really nervous. Do you...

I'm really thinking that maybe, no offense, but maybe like, you know, someone a little more decisive could bounce off of our neurotic energy right now. I feel like we're just going to kind of feed off of each other right now. Do you know what I mean? Are you freaking out? I'm freaking out a little bit. Well, I wasn't freaking out before, but now I'm freaking out. This is exactly what I was afraid of. This is called a vicious cycle. We're going to start freaking each other out. Well, no,

because I'm looking at your face right now and then all the other faces that have your face look happy. Oh, God, don't say that they have my face. They don't have your face. Like, they didn't steal your face, but they just have your face. You know, it's a good thing that we weren't at a place called, like, Stamplerville because everybody would be so sexualized that it would be so hot. It would be, like, just an absolute, like, orgy place. Ron, Ron, Ron, I need you to focus, man. I need you to focus. I just can't. Okay.

All right, let's say something. Let's do one, two, three doodlers, and then we'll be focused, and we won't have to worry about focusing anymore. Okay, ready? All right. One, two, three doodlers. All right. I feel better. Yeah, I feel a little better. What are we going to do? I don't know. I don't know what we're going to do. How have we been deprived of this pairing for so long? I don't know.

This is so good. I want these two on the road. A high-strung Bob Hope and Pink Crosby. Yeah. Okay, Ron, it seemed like... Wait, did you hear that? It sounded like a bird or something. Hi, hello, hello, hello. Who's in my bush? I should have invited you. All right, okay, okay.

We've come here to talk to you about this bush no fool me once

How are you doing? Oh, my gosh. A little talking bird. I feel so rude for not inviting you in, but you're already here. That's so perfect. Hi. Hi. Wow, birds talk. I can roll with that. That's fine. I already said doodlers. I can't get freaked out about something else. Mr. Bird. I'm sorry. I didn't want to assume. Bird person. Bird. What's your name? My name is Duck.

Domino's the bird. That's a lovely name. Listen, we're visitors and we tend to approach places with caution, which is why we're in this bush. And then we both are having a lot of anxiety right now. So I'm hoping that maybe you can give us some. We're fine. We're fine.

So should I go? Do you want to mumble to yourself? Could you just help us out? No, no. I was wondering if maybe you could tell us something about this place we're in. Where do we find ourselves? What can't I tell you? This is Oakvale. It's great. I love it. I love it. What's up there? Up there? I point to the door. This is the home of our benefactor, of our lovely benefactor, Bari Oak. Bari Oak. And a chill runs down Henry's spine and he says, what did you say?

Yes, yes, yes. Barry Oak, the man who built this lovely land of Oakvale for all of us to live in. Barry Oak built this place? Oh, what a funny pronunciation. Where are you from? That's hateful. Where are you from?

And I say that way too loud. So two things happen. Firstly, as Ron says, where are you from? You have the realization that the door leading into the temple is the same door you see in your mind that you keep shutting every time it's about to open. Secondly, as you shout, I don't know, at the top of your lungs, the two guards at the front of the temple immediately come down to investigate.

and they are going to see you in the bush unless you do something. And there's really nothing else around. You're going to get seen no matter what, but you have one action of a thing to do before they get to you. You could turn into a bird and fly far away. I burn both of my wild shapes already, so I can't turn into a bird. Maybe if we act like we live here. You could take Ron prisoner. The old Wookiee. The old Wookiee trick. It's that old Wookiee trick.

That might not work if they don't normally take prisoners. Hey, man, I'm not going to make assumptions. Hey, how about you just look real friendly and then I'll just try not to look super obvious. Yeah, Ron just melts in like fucking Rambo into the wall.

I literally think that like this is a bad move to pull on a podcast, but I literally think that they like swoop so that Ron's back to back with with Henry and just like facing the other direction. But like his profile is completely hidden by my Henry. Ron hides behind another party member perfectly. Yes. Give me a stealth check to see if that's what you do. Why? Because.

Because sometimes bad things have to happen. I got a 12 plus 8. Fuck, you're plus 8. Okay, yes. No, exactly what you just said happened. Okay, so then here's what happens is Henry goes, oh shit, they're coming. Ron, what do we do? And then I turn around and Ron is not there. I go, Ron? And then I turn around again and Ron is not there either because Ron is perfectly synced with my back. And then Ron says...

I'm right behind you, buddy. And then Henry goes, Jesus! And then I've completely blown my cover. So the two guards come over to the bush and they see you shout Jesus. For a second, their eyes narrow as if to sort of suss out who you are. And you can see their eyes travel your face, just like really studying your features. And then pure shock is visible on their face. And immediately they both kneel and they go, Hen, Sir Hen, you've returned.

Henry's just speechless. Wait, what? One of them takes a horn out of his armor and he puts it to his lips and... No, it's a different ringtone. What's another good ringtone? Hello, Mote. Yeah, he blows on the horn and the horn goes, Hello, Mote. Hello, Mote.

And the doors to the temple bust wide open. And you see Barry Oak step down from the steps of the temple. He comes down and sees you in the bush. And he goes, oh, get out of that bush, my son. You don't have to hide anymore. And he holds you by both of your hands. And he goes, you're home. It's going to be all right. It'll be all right. Because that's just life. And if you die, you'll be all right.

♪ It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright ♪ ♪ You're right, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ All you do is try and it'll be alright ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Our theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Shout out to all the Patreon folks who have always believed in us. From the jump, people like Sam M., Kaylee Todd, Erica Keof, Keof?

K-E-O-U-G-H. I don't know how to pronounce that one. Hesh Podcast? That's not your last name, Hesh. Your family name is not Podcast. Podcasts are a new thing. Josh Duff, a.k.a. Teshrike.

Ian Rozick, Lochtain, Taylor from Marketing, not our marketing, some other marketing, Daniel McAllister, and Tanya Milosevic. Wow, there were some hard ones this week. I'm also pleased to report that the Rocks Rock EP is being mixed and mastered right now. It should be out maybe even by the time you hear this.

If you're a Patreon supporter, don't even sweat it. You're getting this digital album for free as one of your stretch goal perks. Every single one of yes. We're also going to have a digital download of the album on our website, dungeonsanddice.com. If you're not a fan for whatever reason of getting all kinds of awesome bonus content and campaigns and one chance, I don't know. Don't let me tell you how to live your life, do your thing, but I'm just saying patreon.com

slash Dungeons and Dads. It's a party over there. You can join it. You can find us on social media, twitter.com slash Dungeons and Dads, reddit.com slash r slash Dungeons and Daddies, and our website, once again, dungeonsanddaddies.com. You'll want to be on all of those from the moment we drop this hot fire. Our next episode, August 4th. Stay safe out there. We will see you then. There was a time to know they never brought you

Wait, is there a hot or not? But just for D&D podcasts. God, I fucking hope not. I hate to break it to you, everybody. I'm looking at these pictures. We're we're on the not side of this. How dare you?

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