Ep. 12 - A Tale of Two Daddies
01:10:05 Share

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Life, they say, can change in an instant. A phone call or a car crash or a chance encounter can turn everything upside down.

For the people of Roqueport, a forgotten town in the forgotten corners of the forgotten realms, life changed the instant they came to town. No one in Roqueport had seen a minivan before, and when four dads from another world emerged from within it, searching for a boy named Terry Jr., the townsfolk kept their distance.

"'Rokeport, you see, had troubles of its own. "'The streets were dark and silent, "'an ominous tower loomed over the town, "'and the children, once the pride and joy of Rokeport.'

The people of Roqueport lived by one simple rule. Do not talk about the man in the tower. But these dads were insistent, even charming. One of them, a man named Ron Stampler, who claimed to be Terry Jr.'s stepfather, so delighted the townsfolk with his observational stand-up comedy that soon their hearts were lifted and their secrets came spilling forth.

The dads learned of the man in the tower, a vampire who had put Roquefort's children in his thrall. Soon one of these children came a-knocking, and the dads barely escaped with their lives. They found refuge in the hut of a garden witch, and as they plotted their next move, the dads saw something that shook them to their very core. They saw Terry Jr. atop the tower. Standing next to him was the man.

It was a man Ron Stampler knew. A man whose face had haunted his dreams. A man named Terry Sr. Life, they say, can change in an instant. For Ron Stampler, that instant has come. I'm Will Campos, impersonating Aaron Manke, and this is Dungeons & Daddies. Dungeons & Daddies

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, sometimes a D&D podcast about four dads. Wait, wait, what? Sometimes a D&D podcast? Shit. I mean, where's the line? Leave it in, leave it in. Yeah, that's pretty true. Shit, you're right. At this point, sometimes a D&D podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the bard of the group, and also one of the dads. And this week's...

This week's dad fact. Freddie's on it today. He's on his game. I know. I couldn't come up with a good dad fact this week. So I was like, what's Glenn's favorite dad joke? And so, because, you know, dad jokes is, you know, they can be made in the moment. They can be impromptu. They can be free jazzed in. But a lot of times you got to go back to the standards, the good ones, the standbys. And my favorite and Glenn's favorite dad joke is as follows. Why do scuba divers fall backwards when they're diving into the water?

I don't know, Dad. Why do they? Because they fell forward. They just fall into the boat. God damn it! Glenn likes that one. I thought I'd heard them all.

Gets a lot of good laughs. He opens his sets with that one, and then based on the crowd response. He opens his sets. Yeah, his Christmas sets. On stage. Yeah. I like it, and I hate it. Because it's a good family-friendly joke. And it's very Christmas-themed. Well, yeah. I was looking for the wordplay, the pun there, but then it wasn't. That's how he gets you. No, that's how he got me. Sometimes jokes don't require thought. It's the rare dad joke that makes you feel stupid. That's what I like about it.

And that seems like Glenn's style, too. Do you know what I mean? Like, Glenn's not big on vulnerability, so, like, his dad joke would be about making you think you're dumb. I won. I beat you.

What are like daughter jokes? Just like real sad statements that aren't jokes. I love you so much and I'm sorry about what this world will do to you. Damn. Bazinga. Was that the daughter saying that? No, it's the dad. You got to say bazinga at the end of your own jokes. That's how it works, you fool. Hi, I'm Matt Arnold and I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home sports dad who upon entering the Forgotten Realms became a barbarian.

And a little fact about Daryl, his favorite hobby is, of course, sports, just sports in general, all sports. But his second favorite hobby is organization.

If Home Depot is his favorite place, that container store is his next stop. So, you know, just loves organizing shit from the kitchen to the garage. He just likes to keep things nice and clean. He likes boxing and boxing. Yes. Oh, he wouldn't say that, but he would. Sparks joy. Yep. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, the granola munchin, crunchy, hippie, nature dad slash druid, and

of the team and the dads. I have some political facts about Henry. I was just watching the Democratic debates. I'm in a political mood. Henry, for like a 20-year period, was as hardcore a Ralph Nader supporter as you can get on Earth. Ooh.

Ralph Nader, honestly, almost like the perfect liberal dad politician, like big on like safety, car safety. You know, Henry loved his stance on the environment. He was a really ride or die to the point of it, like almost ruining and alienating a couple of people in his life. Like how much he talked about Ralph Nader.

Up until, of course, the 2000 election in which he re-evaluated his stance. And then in 2004, he went hard in the paint for one Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich. Of course he did. Because he was like, I want someone electable this time. Yeah.

Somebody with the glitz and vavoon that Kucinich so embodies. That Kucinich movie star quality just swept him away. Just imagine Henry going around like, now I'm a Dukakis man. I'm a Dukakis man. If I say I'm a Dukaka, you'll agree. Um...

So that's Henry this week. Loves Mother Nature and Mother Nader. All right. I'm Beth May, and I've let Ron Stampler, a emotionally stunted stepfather. Fun fact about Ron this week, a fun homie.

wholesome sexual fact about Ron. Can't wait. And it's actually a fact of clarity. Um, the reason that Ron thinks that he's a virgin doesn't know what fucking or sex is like the words. Um,

The reason is because his wife, Samantha, always called it making love. That's really sweet. So trust me when I say that Ron definitely knows how to get down. He just doesn't know what it's called. What a nice twist ending. Bazinga. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master.

Such authority. I was going to say, I don't have to give a fucking fact about myself. There's nothing interesting about me going on right now. Other than while they were talking, I was still writing notes about today's episode. So we'll see how that goes. All right. So let's deal with some vampires and kids that don't love their dads. Those are both sad. Damn. Yeah, this is the dour arc of Dungeons and Daddies. We fucking moved into Empire Strikes Back. It's the Buffy season five. It's season six, actually. That's the dour one. Oh, yeah. Five is glory. Yeah.

When we last left you, you were in the home of Erin O'Neill, a garden witch, and you had just gone up to her roof where she had a bunch of ravens in cages, and you looked through a telescope and you saw Terry Jr. in a cool vampire robe with no bites on his neck, seemingly, and a larger cloaked figure next to him removed the cloak and you saw, oh my God, it was Terry Sr. Oh.

Point of order. Yes. Who is that guy? Who's that guy? He looks kind of like Terry. Who's that handsome, handsome man standing up there? Just like Terry, except older and deader. Ron, is that Terry Sr.? Terry Sr.? Well, guys, looks like I'm off the hook. I mean, Ron does have a point. I mean, it does seem like... But what the heck is Terry Sr. doing here? Well, are you... I mean, you could go ask him. I...

I shout to Terry Sr. How far away are we? I mean, you're definitely telescope range. You're telescope range, but he could definitely hear it. Hey! Are you his dad? Sir, are you his father? So you see, well, who's looking through the telescope? I guess just Ron? I just can't stop staring. There's such a resemblance. They look so happy together. Sir! Sir! So you see Terry Sr. kind of look down and furrow his brow. I'm waving both arms over my head.

And then he turns into a bat. And he flies down and begins to move toward the roof. He's turning into a bat, guys. What happened? Why is he a bat, Ron? I don't know. Can Terry Jr. turn into a bat? I didn't know that. I don't know if that's inheritable or if it's one of those genetic processes. How do you not know that about your own stepson? I haven't been around that much.

I'm writing my acts just in case. So it begins to move toward the roof until it like bong and then there's a sort of invisible dome of invitation that prevents him from getting closer and he in D&D it says he can't talk to you as a bat but I think he can talk to you as a bat.

And he goes, wait, what if we use the hat of vermin to have our bats talk to that bat? Go right ahead. That's a good idea. And I could translate with my spell. Speak with animals. True. I can hear the sounds of the forest. I shall commune with Terry Bat.

senior just to be clear are we proposing that we release some bats have them talk to the other bat who's terry senior and then have henry translate those from the first set of bats like a baby boomer who googles hotmail.com and we could just let terry senior just like a just turn back into a human like on the ground we can talk to him from the roof

I'm going to cast speak with animals. I'm only going to get one bat. Okay. How about that? That's a compromise. You can have as many bats as you want, Ron. No, you get one. I'm going to get one bat. You cast the bat. I cast the bat. In bat, I guess I speak to both bats and I say, sir, who we think might be Terry senior. We are also dads from our world. We've been looking for our sons. It seems like you found your son. We'd like to speak with you. If you're more comfortable,

in bat form. I speak bat, and if you're more comfortable speaking to another bat, you can speak to this bat. He just turns back into his human form. Oh, that's very good. Okay, great. Could you still translate the thoughts of my bat that I've just cast? I just want to make sure he's okay. I talked to the other bat. Are you okay, Mr. New Bat? What am I? What is this? He says, thanks so much for creating me. Everything's great. I love that I exist now. I'm in agony!

What do I exist for? I can feel the life draining out of me almost as if there's a time on my very lifespan. What's he saying, Henry? He's saying it's such a great night. I love you being a bat and flying into the bat air. Mr. Bat, we all love you and we are your family now. So why don't you just hop up on this man's shoulder? He is your father and he's going to protect you now. My bat son. I'm going to call him.

Terry, also. Okay, getting back to Terry Sr. Sir, hello. So he's below us, Terry Sr. Hi, Henry Oak here. What say you? Are you of this world or of ours? Who is this that would dare to speak to me? Who are all of you? You've come to my town, stirring up trouble, doing incredibly insightful stand-up comedy. Oh, you liked it? You liked the comedy? I didn't like it. I was the butt of the joke.

But I can respect a good Jeep when it is pointed in my direction. Sir, what region of dialect is that? Correct, yes. I had a follow-up question. I don't know if you heard it, so I'll repeat it. No, yes, I heard them both, and the answer is yes. Okay.

We are travelers from another world. Who are delightful. Who are sucked into this one. We've been on an adventure looking for our sons who came with us, and they've since vanished. We've relocated some of them. But we can't help but notice you look a lot like one of the sons who we've been seeking, Terry Jr. Oh!

you're friends with Telly Jr. yes we we we we we we what do you wish was this Telly I I would like to know if he's he's said anything about any of us um

I'm not going to tell you our names, but if he's said anything positive or negative about his stepfather, Ron. I'm sorry. I cannot hear you. Could I come closer, please? No. It was with a try. Ron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that actually Terry Sr.? Have you ever met Terry Sr.? No, he was before my time, as we say in the living. And Samantha's never mentioned keeping in touch with him? Here's the thing.

He's dead. Wait, what? Terry Senior's dead? Yeah, he died before I even met Samantha. Oh, whoa. Do you know how Terry Senior died? I think he had a heart attack or something. Did we die?

oh my god we died and is here that means we died i can't breathe i can't breathe everyone just take a second take a second there's a small a small chance that we might be dead that makes sense of course of course they'll just fucking crash the van that's the way it would happen with everybody in there i crashed the van okay i killed us all i'm sorry everybody i killed us all daryl daryl take a breath you guys seem like lost right is this lost are we in

I was thinking more like a Jacob's Ladder scenario. Spoilers for Jacob's Ladder. Wow. Oh, no. Wow, Will. I was planning on seeing that at some point in my life. Spoilers for that movie that came out in, like, 1990. So...

We don't know if we're alive or dead. All I know right now, boys, is we need to figure out what's going on with this situation. We need to figure out if our sons are dead, if this guy's alive. Sir, we're very confused. This is obvious. Are you Terry's father? We, we, we, we. I'm Terry's father. He loves me very much, and I love him also much as well. What are your intentions with Terry, Junior? Wait, wait, wait.

Are you biologically his father, sir? Of course, yes. Biologically, yes. What is the issue? I am Telly Senior. He is my spawn. I take care of him as I would anybody who was my fermented nut. There's no easy way to ask this. And you look great, by the way. But I was wondering if you're dead.

Oh, uh, yes. Okay. Okay. Cause then like, I just thought maybe Samantha lied to me. I mean, listen, I think that we have the same taste in women. No. Great. Cool. Yes. Okay. That makes sense. Terry, have you always been here or were you in another world before coming here? Oh, I got tired of your questions. Uh, I,

I have a question for you and that is again what do you wish with Telly Jr. If you wish to pass on a message I would be more than happy to relay it to the young boy but otherwise I would be

very much enjoyed if you would leave my village for this is my village. I would say, sir, that, you know, our answer to that question depends on your answer to our question because we're on sort of a rescue mission here. So we're just trying to gather information. And I'm very curious as to whether just walk us through your deal, if you would. So you wish to rescue Terry Jr. I said we're on a rescue mission. I did not say who we're here to rescue. Well,

But we're here to rescue Terry. I can pick up on context clues. It's not exactly a fucking... We're sending an invitation to Terry to be rescued. Well, let me find him down

have some downtime. I'll be like back. Before you go, we answered your question. We would like an answer to our... Who are... What? No! What's your deal? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Like, we're clearly not from around... Are you freaking kidding me? Excuse me, guys. I'm pretty cool under the collar, but I get frustrated around evasive, you know, French people. And...

Oh my God, is Henry racist against French people? I just, I had a bad experience when I went. They were very rude to me. You went on Duolingo, you learned all the shit, and then when you said, like, je voudrais une bouteille d'eau, they went, like, large or small in English, and you're like, fuck them! That's exactly what happened, is that I, look, we don't have to talk about it right now, but I'm never going to the country of France again. Oh my God. I don't even know what question I'm trying to ask here. I'll be right back. No, no, you stay! What?

I will literally be like that. No, no, no. We have come a very long way across multiple dimensions to try to find these kids. And we thought we were the only ones who came across whatever the portal is. And now you're sitting here and you're like making no big deal out of it. And frankly, I find your nonchalance and your snooty accent offensive, sir. So please answer our question and tell us the entire story of your life right now. Sir, I think what my friend's trying to say, we've had a very, very long day and it would just be useful to know if we need Terry Jr. That's Ron's son here. So just,

Are we going to do this by talking through this, or are we going to have to, and I lift up my axe, or are we going to have to fight over this? Ooh!

Ooh, he wishes to fight. He wishes to rumble. No, I don't wish to. It's just we really need the sun. You have a big axe. It sounds like you want to use it. Why don't you come out and fight me? Just one of you or all of you. I do not care. It would be very amusing to me. I elbow Payton. I'm like, Payton, what's your read on this guy? Usually guys that are this arrogant, I think like, oh, it's all bluster and shit. But he's got, like, if I have the eye of the tiger, he's got like the big dick energy of a tiger. He's got like it all.

as far as I could tell, he looks like he could really mess us up. Hmm. But the tiger of the tiger, he's the tiger of the tiger. Uh, I have a question, Peyton, what is big dick energy? So, so Richard was one of the strongest dragons that ever lived. Yeah.

We called him Big Richard because he was the size of the entire sky. And when somebody's acting as if they're the size of the whole sky, you say, wow, that guy's got big dick energy. I like that. That's less gendered than what it means in our world. Yeah, and dick was a girl, so why don't you rethink all of your stereotypes?

And that dragon's name was Albert Einstein. And the doctor was the mother. And that's no doctor. That's my wife. One moment, sir. Dad huddle. All right. I'm going to go get the son while you dad huddle. How about that? Can you wait there, though? No, let him go get Terry. I'm going to go get Terry. It'll be helpful to talk to Terry, I think. Okay. So he flies away. Guys, what a dick, right?

Yeah. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Ron, you said he died how long ago? Gosh, I think it was... Before your time. Before my time, you know, with Samantha, wink, wink. Aaron, when did this guy show up? Aaron's like, oh, God, uh...

Before I got here, so I came here like a year or two ago, sort of hoping to like take over the village for myself. But he was already here and he already set up shop, which kind of blows. I didn't realize it at first because I was like, oh, the plants aren't like doing as well as they could. And then I realized that the newcomer in town, as they call them, was sort of taking over everything. And then he started building this tower and then I kind of got trapped here.

Hmm. So we might be dead. Okay. Yeah, I mean, we might be dead. This could be Purgatory, but I get books in all the time from like the library. So if we're in Purgatory, it's got a very good public library system. You get books from the library? Like the weird guy with the big pile of books who eats people's faces and stuff? That guy? Oh God, is that what he is? I don't know. I just use my Ravens. And as she says this, Raven comes in.

holding a really heavy book, like, flapping its wings as hard as it can, and it just drops a cookbook into her hand. She goes, thanks. Oh, so can we use your birds right now to return our books? I think it's just a one-way thing. I think he wants to make sure you're near. The birds will stay here forever after they come here? They're my birds, yeah. Well, so how do you get your books returned?

Oh, he comes by every once in a while on his book fair. Well, couldn't we use one of your ravens to return our books? I just want to understand this, man. So you're saying that he comes and you return the books to him, and then he takes your birds with him so that then they can take the books and fly? I don't take my books with me. I send out my birds to get books. But you're saying the birds only fly one way. No, I'm not saying they only fly one way. I'm saying he only checks out books via raven. He doesn't let chicken eat them. Look, if you don't want us to use your birds to return our books, I understand. I would love it if you could. I would love it if you could.

I would love it if you could. It just seems like it would reduce the amount of choices you had to make about how much time you spent in particular areas versus trying to get to him quickly. That's all I would say. I think I got to call Samantha. That was what I was going to suggest. Oh, that's a good idea. All right, I'm going to pull out my phone. It's so intense. That's a nine. Great. Okay, cool. It's alive. It's live. You call Samantha's number and your click.

And she goes, Ron! Honey, how you doing? Hi, honey. Um, I'm... How's the soccer game going? Um, it's... It's going... It's... Actually, I have a couple of questions. It's for a permission slip. Um, I was wondering...

I thought we signed one. Okay. Yeah. Your husband. I don't know if you remember your husband, Terry. Terry. Are we going to have this conversation again where I have to remind you that he's part of my past and I love you and you're the one that matters to me the most and you're the one I think about all the time? Because we can do that. That's fine. I think about you all the time, too, but sometimes I think about Terry Jr. and it kind of

because of the name, it makes me think of Terry Sr. And I'm not saying that we should change Terry's name, although I'd be open to that eventually. I mean, I feel like that's up to him. I was just wondering, when, um, can we just call him Terry? Uh, yeah, I mean, if you want to, I think he'll be a little bit, he likes being a junior, it's an important thing to do. But he's not anymore, is he?

I think it still counts. Just to clarify, he's not really a junior anymore? No, it still counts. I'm pretty sure. Even though... Like Robert Downey Jr., his dad's dead. Okay, yeah, so he's dead. Okay, okay. That's it. That's all I really needed to know, Samantha. Yeah. Anyways, I miss you so much. I will leave. Talk about... I certainly... I'm waving around. I'm going to put you on hold real quick. Okay. How did he die? Oh, um...

Samantha, I was wondering this other thing. I miss you so much. I was also wondering, I was wondering, how did Terry Sr. die? Honey, we've been over this so many times.

Henry, she's crying. My wife is crying, Henry. Henry, what did you do? I just wanted to know what the deal was. I thought that was the whole point of this call. I'll do this as many times as we have to. Okay. He died of a heart attack. Okay. I was very sad. I met you. It took a lot of time. You helped me smile again. I'm sorry that the relationship with Terry Jr. is not as clean as it could be, but I feel like if you just gave yourself permission to be a good dad, you would be, and it would be fine, and he'd see that.

Oh, Samantha, I love you so much. And you've given me so much courage to go and find, I mean, to talk to, I mean, to rescue, I mean, to, um, love you, love you, babe. Bye.

I feel like you nailed that. Ron, Ron, this is very important. Look at me. Did Samantha sound like the actual Samantha or like a ghost hell form Samantha that has been conjured by this plane to make us think that we're still alive even though we're dead? It's one of those two.

You know what? She sounded like she genuinely loved me, and I'm suspicious of that, but I have to... I have to say that it did sound like the old Samantha that I fell in love with. So I think that maybe...

She's not a ghost, but that... Interesting. Terry Sr. In my notebook, underneath all my notes about fighters from different regions, I have a small thing set up where two columns and one of which says, in purgatory? Not in purgatory. And I do a little check mark in not in purgatory. Okay.

So it sounds like Terry Sr. had kind of a weak ticker. So do you guys think vampires... It's fucking heartless. Do you think of vampires... Oh, I didn't even realize what I was saying there. Does anybody know anything about vampires? Do vampires, like, if you had a bad heart... Do they have, like, a triple bypass or something like that? Yeah, do they fix... I'm just saying, like, we might have to fight this guy. So I'm just trying to figure out any weakness possible. What, do you want to fight him with cheeseburgers or something? No, but, like, hit him in the heart. I guess you always hit them in the heart.

I guess that's always a good strategy. Someone needs to Wikipedia vampire facts. So as you say that, Aaron's like, we get a book from the library about vampires. I'm sure he's got one. Wikipedia, Aaron, is one of the greatest companions of knowledge in the known universe and is peer reviewed by... Glenn has a number of Wikipedia articles that he's... Glenn, your phone's dead, though. My phone doesn't have the internet. Yeah, it's only going to be Henry or Ron who can use Wiki. I can't. I just, I can't.

You can't what? Use your phone or use Wikipedia? I just don't want to turn it on again. I'm just saying that it's one of the greatest peer-reviewed encyclopedias and actually it's more accurate because of the hard-working editors that donate their time to... I'm Jimmy Wales. I sponsor Dungeons & Daddies for only $5. For only $30. For only the current...

of a cup of coffee this entire header of my face staring at you judgmentally could go away all right glenn i will google vampires if it will get you to stop talking about wikipedia will that help i don't feel like it's going to be as reliable as maybe like a firsthand we don't know if vampires are the same here as they are in we literally have a witch we have an expert

Well, I mean, I'm a garden witch. I'm not a monster. I'll also say that vampires are real in this world, but they're not real in our world. How dare you? Why do you guys keep talking about your world? That's cool. We're from another plane of existence, kind of. It's a whole thing. I mean, fine, we can get a book. I'm just saying that a lot of times that primary sources aren't as good as peer-reviewed independent network of editors working tirelessly around the clock editing articles. Okay, okay, we get it. We like Wikipedia. Uh...

Aaron, ma'am, can I ask you a question? Yes, absolutely. Sorry, this is going back about, I don't know how many minutes it's been. It's been a long time since you said this. But you said you were going to take over this place? Ha ha ha!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just that kind of just, you know, kind of, you know, made me think there for a second. What do you mean by that? Were you planning on enslaving people or what do you mean by takeover? No, no, no, no, no. I'm a garden witch. I love the forest. The forest speaks to me. The forest kind of hates that all these people set up shop here. So I was going to help the forest take it all back.

And then what would happen to all the people? They would run, probably. I don't know. From what? Like the trees. Guys, dad huddle. You know, this sounds... Dad huddle. This is a classic green energy versus the economy debate. Dad huddle.

I'm telling you, man, environmental is just as crazy. You're going to hate this corporation. She was going to kill everybody. You know, I won't go so far as to say environmentalism is crazy, but I do think a good progressive approach needs to have a strong economic foundation. So maybe that's something we could talk to her about later. But yeah, that is a bit concerning. It sounds like while the vampire is not doing a great job, at least people still have a bar to drink in. It sounds like this lady was going to literally kill... I'm pretty sure she was going to kill everybody. I'm pretty sure we're not in a safe place right now. Maybe she lost the...

of the town to the vampire because she told the truth about the fact that the people's jobs were going to come back because the world was changing. Hey, Aaron, how come you haven't been able to deal with the vampire? Like I said, I'm not a fighting witch. I'm a garden witch. That's sort of my deal. And there was a brief period of time where I thought, oh, maybe this vampire game, maybe I can use the trees against him. But as you can see around you, he has a pretty deleterious effect on any plant life.

I don't know what that word means. I'm not a fighting dad. I'm a stepdad. Okay, so you're not going to fight him either. That's great. We're on the same page, I guess. I think we need a book about vampires. Let's get a vampire book. Okay. I think Ron should phone a friend to Beth May in Los Angeles and then Beth May. If you want to role play that, I would be so happy. I would love that so much. That would be such an insane twist.

Let's see if we can get this phone on. Go ahead and roll. Wait, what? What is it doing? Shut up. Let her do it. It's happening. It's happening. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The phone stays on. Oh, my God. The phone rings. Hey, it's Beth. What? Beth. Hi, it's Ron. Hey. What's up with that?

I know. You actually... This is kind of the ultimate dad joke because you're sort of my dad. You spawned me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of spawning, but not speaking of fish, I was wondering if I could have some of your Buffy angel insight. And I really...

I realize that maybe it's not the most expansive vampire lore out there, but it sure entertains you and me the most. It's definitely the hottest though, right? It is, Beth. Beth. Beth. So much in common. Beth.

So anyway, I kind of forget what I was supposed to ask you. Henry, any insight? Ask her about how do we beat a vampire? Okay, Beth. How do you beat a vampire? Okay, so if we're talking...

a Buffy Angel-verse kind of vampire, then most of the normal stuff, we're talking sunlight, steak to the heart, holy water, decapitation. If you have sex with one that has its soul hidden away, then it'll turn evil if he loves you, and if he doesn't, then it's fine, I guess. So are you going to have sex with a vampire? I don't know. Are you? Just kidding. Oh, if I can't.

Wow, those are such smart, brilliant genius insights. Yeah. Sorry you called me while I was writing another play. Oh, Beth. Those plays, they'll never do anything with that. Nobody's ever going to buy that. But I did it for myself and that's what matters the most is that I completed it. Why don't you tell your fucking mom that, Beth? Maybe she'll believe you. Thanks.

Anyways, Beth, I love you. Love you too. I've got to. My good boy.

Um, Henry, anything else we need to know? Uh, can you put me on with Beth? Oh, yeah. Okay. Uh, Beth, you're on with Henry. Oh, hey, Henry. Hey, Beth. It's Henry. I just wanted to say thanks for your help. Oh, yeah. And how do you know Ron? Oh, Ron's my son. Okay. That's the actual. All right. Okay. This is confusing me. I'm going to hang up now. We're flexed, but okay. Okay.

All right, bye. I'll talk to you later when you're driving and you think of a good idea for me, like a dad fact or something. Oh, yeah, that'll be fun. Okay, cool. Bye. I'm everybody's favorite.

I hate you. That is so weird. So weird. It was like being in the room with myself. Is the little girl vampire right outside? Yeah, she's still in your van pounding on the door and going, let me in. Let me in. If you let me in, I won't kill you.

Hey, little girl, is there a rosary on the dash there, like hanging off the mirror? What's a rosary? It's like a necklace with like a cross on it. Oh, yeah. It's hideous. Oh, I know. It's awful. It actually hurts us if we grab it. So would you mind pushing underneath the door for me? Sure. So she grabs it and nothing happens. And then she just pushes it under the door. She goes, so yeah, put it in your mouth. Oh, yeah. It's hurting. Oh, thank God. I just grabbed my rosary.

Did you just want your rosary? I guess also it doesn't hurt them. That's good to know. Detective Glenn Close in his notebook has the list of all the things and he slowly crosses out Christian symbols and he narrows his eyes and nods. This case was getting more complicated by the minute. The dame put her hand around a cross but my hand was around the pulse of this case. Laughter

uh, Terry senior, are you coming back anytime soon? How far away is it? So Terry jr. Walks through the walks. I totally forgot about that. Terry jr. And Terry senior walk from the, uh, ground floor of the tower and walk toward the home. And Terry jr. Looks at you, uh, all, and then looks at Ron and goes like, ah,

Why? Why? Why are you here? I was so sure that I wouldn't have to deal with this again. Can you just go? I'm fine. I'm doing great. Yeah, it looks like you are doing great, but I'm sure that if your mom found out that you were missing and that we were in a foreign universe and that maybe we were all dead, then she would be really upset. And, um...

I know maybe I'm not your first choice father, but I am your father, young man. Oh my God, stop saying that. You're not because my father's here. Am I right, dad? And oh, oui, I'm your father. He's my son. You cannot take me away. You cannot take him away from me. He can't even say the word yes. He can't even be like, yes, I'm your father. I could say oui. Oui, I'm your father.

It's not a problem. Do you have a problem with this, Terry Jr.? No, I don't. I have a problem with your dad's wee dick. I mean... Oh, my God. You see what I told you about it? Terry Jr. turns to Terry Sr. and is like, this is what I'm talking about. This is the guy that replaced you. Can you imagine going from you to that? Terry, just tell me what I can do to really impress you. Ooh, you know what would be super impressive? Is if you fucking left. That would be the best thing.

Fine. Fine, I'll leave. Great. That would be great. Just let mom know I'm super happy. I found dad. Everything's great. I prefer to be here. Everybody gets what they want. You get to be with mom. You obviously didn't want me and all the fucking drama of me being in your life. Everybody wins if you just go. But I love you, Terry.

Junior, not you, Terry Senior. I barely know you. And I don't know if I like your influence on the boy who will become the man who is my son.

Maybe I'll go on you. You don't know. So when you say I love you, Terry Jr. kind of like flinches a little bit. Not in a way of like, oh, that's disgusting. But in a way of like, I don't want to open myself up to even accepting that kind of thing. Like he kind of flinches and turns away almost if he's like dodging a blow. I mouth like as this is going on, like to the other dad's like side dad. Guys, do we do we butt in? I don't know. Ron's doing a pretty good job like.

He saw how he talked to his wife and he's talking to his kid. I'm kind of like, yeah, I don't know. I think, I mean, if we're dead. I don't, I really don't think we're dead. I don't, but it just. Would you like to be? No, this isn't, this isn't. Shh.

Sorry, my hearing is really good. You have very good hearing? That'd be so amazing to think there's a character in D&D that can hear all of your characters like little side models. That would be really fucking funny, actually. Sir, we're trying to have a private conversation. Can you tell us if you can hear us? Can you hear this? He can hear this. He can definitely hear that, guys. Oh, is he still talking? I can't hear him.

I have a question for Anthony about the finger gun watch. Yes. What are the rules of that again? So basically, if you use the finger guns on a friend, then they get advantage on their next charisma checks or saving throws. If you use it on an enemy, they gain disadvantage on those same checks or saving throws. But you have to say verbally that you're winking while you do it. And if you forget, then you have disadvantage when you use them. Oh, so two dads doing it to each other become more charismatic. Yes.

Nice. Just like in real life. Just like in real life. Two gents doing it to each other become more charismatic. Oh, God, that's what you... I didn't mean like that. Finger guns. I'd like to... Mine's in the gutter. I'd like to do a perception check of the general environment and also the state of the sky. It's supposed to be like cloudy and foggy right now, right? It's like it's a dark fog. Yes. So go ahead and do a perception.

- 15. - They're basically sitting in the middle of the road that goes through the village. Behind them you see the tower. There's fog everywhere and the sky looks overcast and Aaron notices you looking up and as a garden witch, he's like, "Oh yeah, you notice the weather's all weird?" - Yeah, what's up with that? - I feel like when he built his tower, it accelerated his power and so, ooh, it rhymed. And so there's only ever sunlight for exactly 15 minutes each day on the dot.

it's going to be two hours from now, but that just seems to be the thing that happens. The rest of the time is either overcast or it's night. Ron, set an alarm on that Casio watch for two hours from now. Two hours. All right. And then I give you a finger guns for letting me know. And I finger gun you back and I wink. Nice. And I come. Ron came, but he didn't wink. Yeah. So Beth has disadvantage on charisma checks. Oh, damn.

Freddie has advantage. Beth has disadvantage. Ron has a disadvantage for another reason. Ron, I say this knowing you just shot a load into your pants. It sounded... What an episode. How does Ron have the healthiest marriage here? And holy water and crucifixes don't work. Daryl's going through an existential crisis right now.

Because Ron has an incredible wife, an incredible, smart, talented, charming, hot wife. Behind every great Ron is a great woman. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details. Dungeons and Dragons brought to you this week by Rocket Money. Rocket Money cancels subscriptions for you. And they also negotiate lower bills. Like, this is a thing you pay for, but guess what? It saves you money. That's how it works. How much do you think you're overpaying in subscriptions every month? Way too much. 74% of people have subscriptions they've straight up forgotten about.

Like me. You know what I'm going to do is I'm going to start doing like the guy in Memento and I'm just going to tattoo all my subscriptions on my body and that way I'll remember. Yeah, it's like I got one on my chest that says YouTube TV and it says never trust this guy. There's just a big one on my chest that says John G signed me up for Adobe Cloud. John G didn't have a Roku. Ha ha ha.

Most Americans think they spend about $62 a month on subscriptions. But guess what? The real number? Closer to $300. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, you have full control over all of your subscriptions and a clear view of your expenses. You can see all of your subscriptions in one place. And if you see something you don't want, you just tap it. You cancel it. Tap it a few times. It's gone. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

I love also that the dashboard shows... That was me tapping all of you guys. I want you out of my life. I'm cutting you out. Aww. I love how the dashboard also shows this month's spending compared to last month so you can track month to month how much you're spending. You can see those habits and they'll help you create a custom budget to help keep your spending on track. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. It's just like those when you deposit a check in a bank. You know what I mean? You just take a picture...

That really is crazy. Take a picture of a check and that's how it works? I know, that was wild when that first time I saw it. I felt like I was in the future. I was like, do I take a picture of a $20 bill and now I have $20 more in my account? Yeah, Rocket Money. No. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved the total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com.

We'll be right back.

That's true. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. Oh, we could do a Deadpool Wolverine-like theme for this one. Mint Mobile's here to rescue, just like Deadpool rescued Wolverine from the timeline that he was in with premium wireless plans. Who rescued who? Starting at 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text. You know who talks an unlimited amount is the Merc with the Mouth in Deadpool 3. Delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Bub.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts into anywhere in the multiverse you might choose to go. Ditch overpriced wireless plans with Mint Mobile's deal to get three months of premium wireless service for $15 a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash dungeons. That's mintmobile.com slash dungeons. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash dungeons.

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. C-Mint Mobile for details.

Rod, I couldn't help but notice your son's reaction when you told him that you loved him. It seemed like he was really moved by that. And so I think that might be the secret to unlocking his heart. If we try to fight this vampire, Mano a Mano, he's probably going to tan our hides. But you've got a real earnest, kind of wholesome, clumsy appeal that I think goes a long way towards making inroads with your son. I think, you know, when he said that, like, he feels...

feels like you don't love him and you just want to be with his mom, like, you know, maybe you just need to open up to him a little bit, you know? And like, maybe that might be how we get him out of this sort of parasitic relationship with his dad. So I need to have a pop off with Terry senior, you know, prove that I'm the better dad. A pop off? Yeah. Like a papa off. Oh, a papa off. Yeah. I would say more like a, like a wholesome, like supportive, you know, conversation, love to your son kind of off. Oh, yeah.

Do you think you could do that, Chief? Yeah. You don't seem sure of that. Well, I'm not, but I think I can. I think you can too, buddy. I give you finger guns and I wink. I receive the finger guns and I put my hands together and I say namaste. All right, so Will has disadvantage, you have advantage now. Do I have to wink back? Yeah, of course you do. Well, jeez. You don't get to do something kind of cool. You have to do the dorky-ass shit.

So would you like me to open a dialogue? Yeah, if you could. Terry Jr., young man, your stepfather has something he'd like to communicate from his heart to you. And I was wondering if you could do us the honor and privilege of listening to him for just a moment. If it'll get you to leave. Yeah. OK, do that. Open your fucking heart or whatever.

Um, okay, well, I might leave after this, but I wanted to tell you something that is about me, but might relate to you too, that I had a father that would leave a lot, and when he left, I didn't feel so good. I wished that he would stay, and I always loved him, but I wasn't really...

What I want to say to you, Terry Jr., not Terry Sr., is that when I see you, I know that you don't need me to be your stepfather, but it's something that I would like to do because I love you and because you're so good without me that I'm very proud of you. And so I was wondering if you would, you know,

Be proud of me, too, if I were here instead of going away, which, you know, you told me to go away, so I might go away. But, yeah, that's it, Terry Jr., not senior. Okay, roll persuasion just flat because your disadvantage was canceled out by your advantage from the second finger gun. Seven. Okay, so he's going to roll against that. Okay, so here's what happens.

Terry is looking at his feet while you give that entire speech. And then he looks up at you with something approaching vulnerability in his eyes, which you haven't seen in a while. And then he wordlessly moves to the van. Uh,

moves through it, you hear a knock on the door of the building that you're in. Let him in. Let him in. Let him in. Let him in. But clarify that nobody else is allowed in. Only he's allowed in. Come on in. Only he's allowed in. Terry Jr. only, not Terry Sr. Or the little girl. Open the door, Ron. Go open the door. Okay, I open the door. I run downstairs after Ron. Yeah, I want to see this beautiful moment. I run downstairs. Yeah, so we will all join Ron downstairs. Terry comes in. The little girl tries to go in and bounces off again. She's like, this fucking sucks. And he goes...

You've come so far and it's clear that you really care about me, Ron. And I appreciate that. Well, yeah, I did it for you, kiddo. And because all these other dads were telling me to. But also for you, kiddo. And I appreciate that a lot. But I'm happy now and you're going to take that away from me. And I won't let you do that. So I mean this when I say this from the bottom of my heart, Terry Sr., I invite you into this building. Oh, no!

Terry Sr. goes like, oh, what a delight. I've been waiting to hear you say that to my son. So Terry Jr. rolled a post to your persuasion. He got a nat 20. Whoa! It was fucking brutal.

Yeah, that was the worst thing. I'm sorry. Terry Sr. goes from having a straight posture, a pompous look on his face, the look of a dignified smug piece of shit who thinks he's better than you, to being fucking feral in an instant. He gets on all fours and just sprints for the house. And even with the van blocking his way, with one superhuman shove, he just pushes the van right out of the way and then he wrenches open the door. I feel like the moment he said, you're invited in, Daryl went running for the door. Okay, great. So he runs up.

He puts his hand on the doorknob and tries to push it open as hard as he can. Daryl is definitely running to it. Is it one of those things that, like, can I put an axe, like, over it? Guys, push something in front of this door! Is this a OSHA code the boar pushes out or a door that opens inward? The door opens inward. Yeah, so we gotta push stuff in front of this. So it is up to code. Can I try to put my skip it across the door? That's not gonna help, Ron! Okay, here's what we'll do. He has some pretty good strength, but...

he's going to have to roll strength to get inside. Any item of your own that you try to barricade the door with will basically take away, uh, from his strength roll. But if he succeeds, that item is going to snap. It's just going to fucking break. Okay. So we have like a little bit of time here with the safety. We say that we're in like, um,

We're kind of in combat here. It feels like we're kind of in combat. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, yeah. I feel like we don't need to do initiative, I think. But we can access some of our combat reactions. Yeah, for sure, for sure. I'm going enraged. You're going enraged. Yeah, so I think all of our various things activate. As all this activates, Aaron slams the door to the roof shut and then tries to lock it just so he can't get in that way. And she's like, oh, great. So glad I let you guys in here. This is going so good.

Oh, boy. And then really quick here, perception roll. We saw it on the way in. I rolled a 19 here. What's in this room with us? Okay, so in this room, there is a plant that is dancing on its own. How did we miss this on the way in? There is a fireplace. There is a bunch of like potion-y bottle-looking things that you can't quite figure out what they are, but maybe if you spent some time, you could. There is some fertilizer. There is a shovel.

And basically anything you would find in a Home Depot garden section, generally speaking, that's about what you got in this room. Okay. So what, so he's banging on the door? So he's trying to push open the door. What are you guys going to do to try to keep it closed? You can basically push yourself up against it and then it's just an opposed strength check, but I'll just go ahead and warn you right now. He has pretty good strength. I mean, I'm definitely leaned up against it, but if we got everything from the van, then I'm taking some of my golf clubs and I'm...

Okay, great. That'll be great. That'll be a gentleman. He's going to break in.

So what are you doing? Push. Help. What do you think is going to let him in? What are you talking about? Let him in. Let's prep. We're going to kill this son of a bitch. I'm going to hide. I'm going to hide. No, no. Okay. Henry turns into a bear. Okay. And as I turn into a bear, I say, let him in. Henry's mad, dude. I'm still pushing up against it. Glenn. Let me think. Let me think. Let me think. Oh,

Sorry, real quick. Who has the fanny pack? I have the fanny pack. It just busted off of my bear tummy. Okay. The one thing that catches my eye on my book of things that might hurt vampires is sunlight slash fire. I'm going to clock the fire in the corner. I'm going to clock the jug that I have that allows me to pour oil out of it. I'm going to do that thing where you like, you know, like home alone thing where I'm going to set the jug up above the door so that when the door opens, it'll dip down and have oil. So you're lighting it on fire? No, not yet. But you will. I will.

So you've already turned into a bear? Henry lost his temper. That's what happened. Henry lost his temper and turned into a bear. So I'm going to spend my action setting up this thing up top. Okay, so everybody gets one action and then he's going to get to take his turn. So that's your action. Daryl's overwhelmed at Henry's awesome strength.

and he smiles at Glenn because he sees what he's doing. He looks at his rosary. He puts it in his pocket. He grabs his axe. He goes, let's do this, motherfucker. And he jumps on top of Henry. He jumps on top of Henry's back, and he's riding a bear and he's getting ready for this fucking flaming door to open up. And he screams, let him in, Glenn! Somewhere, an achievement-unlocked sound plays. What was that? Do you guys hear that? Ron, you ran. I hide. You hide in your pants or somewhere else? In the fanny pack. Ha ha ha!

The fanny pack of holding? Yes. The Mary Poppins fanny pack is now the Ron Stampler fanny pack. Also, Terry Jr. sees you do that. He's in the same room as all of you, just so you know. How elastic is this fanny pack? You'll be able to put it back on after. I'm not that heavy.

No, but I mean, like, is this in all sizes? Because I was just going to say maybe it's still on Henry. Oh, my God. The bear just has a fanny pack on it. Actually, that's way better. That image is way too good. Yeah, you know what? It's a completely elastic band. It can fit anybody that goes on. So now there's a man riding a bear with a fanny pack with a dude inside of it. This is basically the dad version of when all of the Power Rangers come together to form the Megazord. Holy shit, the Daddy Zord. What?

Holy shit. Also, I'm going to take my bonus action to shift, which is one of my class features. It allows me to assume a more beastial appearance. This is that onstage persona thing we did earlier. I have this for a minute. I get plus five temporary HP and my speed increases. Okay. Overall, I'm just faster. I'm a faster dude. So technically, you're not supposed to do this as DM.

but I feel like it would be unfair to not tell you this. So the vampire child that you fought last session, the challenge rating was five. So it was one level higher than you're supposed to be. The challenge rating of this vampire is 13. Oh,

Oh, shit. Did Peyton give us any sort of heads up to that? I feel like he said a big dragon energy. He said he was trying. He was trying to warn you. How could we have missed it? I was so subtle.

The vampire can take three legendary actions choosing from the options below. Only one legendary action option can be used at a time and only at the end of another creature's turn. That's even worse. So it's not the end of his turn. It's when one of you ends your turn. He can do an action? Yes. Payton. Yeah, what's up? Get a stick and light it on fire. All right, not a problem, my man. And he grabs a stick and puts it in the flames and he goes, now what? What do you want me to do with this shit? Hop on!

Hop on, son! Get in safe! Let him hop on! Okay, sure. Yes. All right. And he jumps on, and now there's a man in an axe on a bear with a fanny pack with a dude in it, and on top of that is a small child who was in the fighting arena holding a stick that's on fire. I think Gwen's gonna want you to throw this. I need the fan art. Also, the person in the pack has a bat on its shoulder. Ha ha ha ha ha!

I mean, I'm assuming you're going to want Payton here to throw this thing when the vampire comes through. Yes. All right. Not a problem. I think we're going to do just fine, says Daryl. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Matt's like, we're dead. Yeah. All right. Let's say that what you told Payton, that's his. He's doing a reaction. So the second he sees him, he's going to throw it. Yes, exactly. Okay. So he'll technically have the first thing. So.

What happens is Terry Sr. kicks open the door. He had no problem with this door and the one golf club. Yeah, no. You're telling me that this D&D fantasy door plus one nine iron wasn't enough to stop this level 13 monster? No, it turns out it wasn't. Arrow's like holding his axe, gritting his teeth, ready to go, and then he sees that nine iron snap, and it's just... Those were tailor-made! So he comes in. The oil falls onto him. He's going to try to evade it with a dex. It hits him. So the oil drenches on him, and then Peyton's going to try to throw the fire...

Hayden tosses the stick. The fucking fire sails through the air and it lands on the vampire. Fucking eye of the tiger, baby. And now, if you give me two seconds, I need to check D&D fire rules. And we win! We won! He's dead! He killed him in one hit! All right, Terry Jr., hop into the fanny pack and talk to your dad. We're going home tonight.

So what we're going to say is I'm going to treat being on fire as the same as him being in sunlight. So at the start of his turn, he takes 20 radiant damage and it's burning his hair away. And he goes like, ah, fuck. What?

I don't remember what the French word for fuck is. Ah, le fuck. Le fuck. Melda. Meldej. Oh, yeah, shit. Why is he French? Because he named the place Le Caput. Because he named the place Rocketport. Oh, okay, I get it, I get it. At first I was like, oh, it's like a Dracula thing. I'm like, Dracula's not French either. So that happens, he goes, ugh, fuck. And then he turns and he sees...

the tableau in front of him, which is a fucking bear and all these pieces of shit. And he sees the guy stride it with an ax and he lunges at Daryl and he's going to make an attack and an arm strike. Good God. I'm so sorry. Oh my God.

I'm so sorry. Is that a natural 20? Yeah. He just critted. Okay. Okay. So. Well guys, that was a good run. There's no disadvantage because I'm on the back of a bear. You're not disadvantaged for just being on a bear. If anything, that would be advantage against tax against you because you don't have the ability to like move. Does he have disadvantage for being up on fire? Quick.

Come up with a dad joke about fire. I was trying to argue, which is, couldn't the bear rear up or like it'd be hard to get to me as opposed to the bear is what I was trying to say. I'll say it this way. If Henry wants to rear up to take the hit, he'll take the hit. Henry rears up to take the hit. Okay. Damn. No. Okay. How much health does a bear have?

And we fucked this up last time. Multiple of people told me our bear was way too OP. Your druid level determines the beast you can transform into. At level four, it can be one half is the challenge rating. Okay, so we'll just half all the stats of this bear. Oh, okay. We'll keep your HP, but you'll get all of its abilities and it's to hit and all that kind of shit. We'll give you a D12 of extra health. So go ahead and roll a D12 right now. Okay. It's the like less cool looking D20.

Oh, I got 12 extra health. Okay, cool. I want to make a little chart, Anthony, of just all of your descriptions. It's like D4. That's the pyramid. The D8. That's the two pyramids ass to ass. I forget why I got 23 damage on me from last time. Because she bit you. Okay. I assume we healed that up. No, because we straight up started screaming. We immediately started screaming. So I just want to go through. I have 22 HP. Freddie, what do you have? 32 technically because I'm in swift stride.

I have 23. From 31, I have plus 12. 43 health. Numbers. It's like we're playing a motherfucking game right now, guys. I'm pumped. Okay, so he lunges at you with his nat 20, and he claws at you with his hands, and he does 12 damage to you. Okay. Then he's going to attack again. Oh! It's a thing that he can do. So he slashes again, and he does...

12 damage again. Jesus. It was a very bad crit. It was a very good normal one. Okay. It is his turn. So now everybody properly roll initiative. So I rolled a 13 initiative. I rolled a nine. I rolled a 21. Natural 20 plus one. I rolled a nine. All of you will get to go before him.

Oh, thank God. I do feel like our move needs to be to get in that van because technically he hasn't been invited into the van yet. Yeah. Right. If we all get into the fanny pack, then the bear just has to run into the minivan. What if we put him in the fanny pack? But it runs in there. I'll come out. It feels like he's going to tear that thing. Yeah. Strong is more like just how quickly can we get into the van? Okay. So, yes, my thought was, remember, if the fanny pack gets torn, Ron is lost to the astral plane.

All the contents in the fanny pack go into the astral plane if the fanny pack is destroyed. Season two, astral plane. I have to get out of the fanny pack and then hold it while you guys make a run for it. And then I'll be like, you can't get me, Buster Keaton. And then just trap him. You know, just trap him. You can try to just all hold him like Thanos. Okay.

Yeah. Remember that scene that worked super well where they all tried to hold it? But we won't mess up. Nothing bad happens. But we won't mess up. He's going to turn to Ron and be like, guess what? Samantha's dead. All we have to do is put her down. Yikes. Yikes. Ron's going to miss his hit. He'll be like, I am inevitable. And we'll be like, hi, inevitable. I'm dead. I want to just give you all the information so you can plan around this.

The bag is roughly two feet in diameter at the mouth. Yeah, so we can't all be in it. It's only a hole. That's a two feet hole. It's like you could get into it if you were really trying, if you really wanted to. Or if the person was smaller than like two feet and you could get them in some...

So how did Ron, so Ron just is like really cozy. Ron can fit into his own pants and disappear. So Ron, there's Ron rules. This is established canon that he can squeeze into shit like this. Okay. What if we get the bag around his head and then we destroy the bag? Will that decapitate him? It absolutely would. Yeah. A hundred percent it would. So if we get the bag on his head and light the bag on fire, we'll cut this fucking vampire's head off. That's what we're, okay. I feel like that's plan one.

Plan two is also we got to get to the van, I feel like. Plan two is we run into the van. Yes. And we deal with the girl. Oh, shit. That's right, because she's still alive. Whatever. Four of us could take out a girl in the van or throw her out of the van. Yeah. Okay. One problem at a time, I guess. Yeah, yeah. One problem at a time. Y'all can do whatever you want in whatever order you want. I feel like Daryl could go first because I'll heal myself with Birkenstock magic. And I'll vote. Stupid fucking game.

And I have the most HP even with that. And then you can grapple him. And then I'll try to grapple him and I have stones endurance and rage, which will help me take. And then maybe as a bear, I can assist your grapple. Yes. And hopefully while he's attacking, he'll respond by attacking me, which will distract him. And then it'll make it easier for you to get the bag on his head. You Hulk out and grapple. Yeah. I will grapple as a bear, depending on how you're thinking. He's not hearing our plan. Anthony is, but he's not all of the data. I'm not even really listening. Oh,

All of the dads are drift compatible and are speaking this to each other in the drift.

Level four allows us to be drift compatible. You'll grapple. Should the grapple fail, I'll turn into Henry and he'll, but if you get the grapple going, then I'll jump in and assist. And then you sneak around, put the thing on him. What's Glenn doing? How about some music? I think I'm the one to fuck up the fanny pack if it's on him. I like that plan. Let's enact our dad plan. Let's fucking do it, dads. One, two, three, dad plan. Okay, so Daryl is overwhelmed at Henry's courage as he rears up and takes these ferocious hits.

He imagines Henry's children not having a dad anymore. And he goes, you son of a bitch, that beautiful man and his wonderful Birkenstocks, which are really nice designer hipster sandals with wonderful straps and usually made of leather. You're not going to let him die. The second you say that Birkenstocks are sandals with straps made of leather.

The power of knowledge, the strongest power in the universe, second only to the power of fatherhood, infuses you with health, and you are back up to full health. Yes! Yes! So I have 45 HP. Oh, also, when you say Birkenstocks, your shoes explode and they appear on your feet. I look at the bear, and I smile and go, son of a bitch, you're right, these are comfortable.

The Birkenstocks were in you all along, Daryl. So yes, I just swing a big right hook straight into his face. Okay, go ahead and roll an attack. That's a natural 20. Yes! As he's trying to pat out the fire on his head, and it's sacre bleu, sacre bleu, and he's slapping it, and then he sees you leaping through the air like...

like with your fist up and it goes like, Oh, so I didn't, and then it hits him right in the face and he just goes fucking down. And, uh, when he hits the ground, you're already on fucking top of it. Like, are you holding him down to the ground? And then I use my tavern brawl grapple, which I got from going to level four. So I get to, after doing an unarmed attack or with an improvised weapon, I then get to, uh, attempt to grapple. So the damage on my unarmed strike,

Five damage. Okay. And I attempt to grapple him. 17. I'm assuming that hits, right? That hits. And he goes, oh, you bloot. You absolute bloot. But he is fucking grappled. Because you got a 20, I'll say he doesn't get to take his legendary action this turn. Yes. Oh, boy. Should we just have Ron go next? This guy's down for the count for the turn anyway. I feel like it's Ron's move now. Ron...

puts his hands on the outside of the fanny pack, and hops up out in a sneak attack. And Terry Jr. is like, are you fucking kidding me? He gets a 12. And you have advantage because he is grappled. Yeah. Oh, so you can roll the d. So you roll again. Oh.

Fuck, and I get an eight. Okay, so I get a 12 plus two, 14. You have the fanny pack above your head. You're trying to slam it on his. I'm holding the fanny pack above my head, trying to get his head into it. You bring down the fanny pack as hard as you can while he's sort of a little bit dazed from Daryl punching him in the face, but he sees you coming, and his hands shoot up, and he grabs you by the wrists, and then he is going to try to attack you.

And he hits you. But instead of doing any damage to you, he grabs you by the neck with his other hand and pulls your neck down to his. And now it's somebody else. Henry's going to jump in. Push his head into the bag. Right? Yeah. Okay. How would I go about doing that? Could I just grab the bag and pull it? You could. You would be doing an opposed strength check against him because he's holding the hand with the bag in it. I could try paralyzing him. I have a spell for that. Like, Peyton, what kind of wisdom is this guy looking at?

Oh, God. I don't know. It feels like he's got a plus two kind of wisdom. Interesting. My eye of the tiger is very analytical. I'm a very analytical tiger. Payton, what does the scanner say about his power level? I love Payton knows all the stats.

basically you're familiar now he's been in so many fights that he's the eye of the tiger means that he can like read these things analyze anybody I can't beat him but I could definitely see how I could I have hold person which is a wisdom saving throw 13 so it's about a 50 50 toss up here but if it succeeds against him he's paralyzed I've

I feel like that would make life a lot easier for everybody. Let me explain all the things Paralyze does. Paralyze creatures incapacitate, can't move or speak. They automatically feel strength and dexterity saving throws. Attack rolls against them have an advantage, and any attack that hits the creature is a critical hit if you're within five feet of the creature. It's very strong. I'm going to cast Hold Person as a bard. In canon, I'm going to explain this as a mighty shout, and this is a shout that stopped many a Christmas mosh pit from forming. Ha ha ha!

Sometimes the spirit takes you. Once in Köln, Germany, for example, big deal, the mall, they almost rioted. Black Friday plus the Christmas thing. People's emotions were high. And I shout, hey, cool it. If this works, I'm going to be fucking stunned. Okay. Please, please, please. No. He got a four. Yay! Yay!

He is paralyzed. Something about the, like, the fucking bass in your voice when you say cool it, he just goes...

And he freezes right where he fucking is. So how long does that last? Up to one minute, and then at the end of each of its turns, Atari can make another wisdom saving throw. Okay. Okay, so he's paralyzed for a minute? Unless he succeeds on his next saving throw. But like right now, he's paralyzed. Oh, so he can do a saving throw next turn? Yes. Okay, so we need to fucking push his head in a bag. All right, I put his... All right, I'm gonna... Can the bear hold a bag? Yeah, I feel like you could. Pause? Well, you got pause, but you also got clause. So what we would do is you'd have to...

You'd have to roll to make sure you don't rip it. Yes. Do you have any dad joke inspiration, Henry? No. Because now would be the time to get yourself some... That guy told a pair of lies to his son about being a good father. That's good. That works. All right, anybody else want to jump on? Normally I'd laugh, but I feel nothing. That's just a sad truth. He takes...

One damage. What you're going to do is you're going to do a strength check, but if you succeed by too much, it'll rip. Holy shit. Okay, I am going to shit. Now I'm really nervous. I'm going to rip this bag up. Light as a feather. I got a four for the first one. So it's an eight. Eight does not break the strength. Eight's not going to break the strength.

16 plus four. 20. Like a natural 20 would shred the bag like that. But it's tough because I'm assuming this vampire has a lot of strength too. Yeah, no, it definitely, it definitely. So like there's a pretty narrow window to be like stronger than the vampire, but not so strong that you're not going to mess up the stitching on this bag. All right. All right.

That is the perfect number. Okay. We checked it. You wrench the bag out of his paralyzed hand. Okay, and I shove it onto his head. It is now his turn. Hold on, hold on. We're not fully at the top of the order because Payton Bennett's with his knife.

has one turn before this happens, doesn't he? You're right. Peyton Bennett and Terry Jr. have turns. I know. I know. Okay. So yeah, Peyton goes like, what do you want me to do, best friends? What do you want me to do? Stab that bag, Peyton! Yeah, it's okay. You can use a knife this time, son. I mean, Peyton. It's knife time. All right. Peyton, Peyton, stabby, stabby. And he misses the bag. No!

He brings the knife down as hard as he can, and it just goes slightly to the right of the bag. He's like, I tried! You did good. You did good. Hey, Cherry Jr., do you want to destroy that bag? Do you want to just really, really destroy that bag? Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Okay.

Okay. So he goes like, oh, so I should probably get the bag off his head then. That's fucking idiot. So he runs over and tries to pull the bag off. He's opposing Henry. Yeah. I feel like he's opposing somebody, right? Yeah. That bear's holding a bear. He's opposing a bear. Okay. There'll be a disadvantage. I got a 14. Yeah. He definitely does not manage to get it off of the dude's head.

It is now his turn. So the fire has gone out. He padded it away. Yeah, he padded it away. So he's not on fire anymore. And now he's going to make a wisdom saving throw. Yep. To end his paralysis. To end his paralysis. But his head's in a bag. So like, you know. He'll be confused. Worst case scenario, it buys us time to get into the car. So he saved. But that was the end of his turn, not the beginning. So the bag's still on his head.

And his hands kind of go lax. And he's like, and you see his hands touching the fanny pack, like in confusion. Now it's y'all's turns. Okay, we got to destroy this bag. So we're okay killing Terry Sr. He's going to kill absolutely every last one of us. He's already dead.

How much of a difference could it really be? Yeah, I guess just cut that bag in half. Well, okay, let's pause for a second. I'm trying to like, let's get to the heart of our characters. Would we kill Terry Sr.? I think in this moment, because this battle is also like, everything that's happened, we've been discussing, it's been like six seconds.

And like from the moment you put the bag on, it's like we're still like in mid motion. There's not a lot of thinking going on. That's true. I mean, this guy came in to kill us. Yes. Right. He became a feral beast and swiped and almost killed a bear in two hits. Yeah. All right. Let's kill him. And I don't think I think there would be a self-defense. This is I think Henry's going to feel guilty about this later, you know, depending on how this goes down. Assuming this is assuming our stupid plan works.

Henry, I feel like you got a claw. Let's have Daryl go. Because Henry's holding it. I'm holding the... I've got the skip it. The only thing I want to double check...

is if i swing the war cleaver it won't get rid of the power of the bag of holding no it's yeah the bag holding it's an it's inherent magic the word cleavers for like enchantments like i enchanted this wall to be invisible it's for like shit like that okay i'm going to swing my ward cleaver straight i feel like i feel like henry is like kind of like holding a tot you know you know like a like a rope and then i'm bringing it right down the center of that fanny pack okay roll an attack with advantage

I got 14 plus five. Okay. So the ward cleaver comes down and lands straight in the center of this bag as Terry Jr. watches in horror, like almost in slow motion as it comes down. And.

And the bag tears in the center of it. A massive tear that gets bigger and bigger. And this like bright white light seems to like scream from out of the hole. And you can hear for a brief moment the sounds of the astral plane. And it's real bad. It sounds like the screams of the forever damned amplified a thousand times from inside your own head. And Terry Sr.'s body just begins to fucking convulse.

And then Terry Jr. goes, Dad, no, not again. I can't go through this again. And the bag explodes and leaves behind a completely headless body of Terry Sr. that just continues to convulse and then just stops. And then Terry Jr. just turns to look at you, Ron. I look at Terry Jr. and I say, who's your daddy now? Oh, no.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. This podcast is brought to you by our dad-tastic Patreon supporters. They are among you. They bear the weight of this podcast upon their shoulders. People like Rain Hall, Thaya Moore, Connor McDonald, Saba Pistolas, and Alessandra Scott.

Some of you out there listening are jealous of these stalwart individuals, but I have good news for you. You too can join their ranks and get all kinds of cool bonus content at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Maybe you've enjoyed these past few weeks when we had weekly releases. Thanks in no small part to said Patreon supporters. Well, for five bucks a month, you can have that feeling permanently because you'll get an entire podcast release every other week called Talking Dad, where we discuss the ongoing campaign and answer your questions. And if you're interested in joining us,

That's at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Tweet at Dungeons and Dads, book your faces at bit.ly slash dungeon dads, and sub your reddits at slash r slash dungeonsanddaddies. New episode coming out to July 16th, so everybody have yourself a good week, and we'll see you then. There was a time when you wanted to know they never brought you down.

Yeah, so Erin didn't bolt it in from the inside. She just ran away. Yeah, she's outside and closed it on us because she doesn't want to get involved on the fight. And why is her name not Erin Brockowich? Holy shit. Oh my god. Ooh, a vampire's dead. Beth just killed a vampire. That was easy.

Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, Summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. Bespoke. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh, my God. Okay, so, like, you know in Dune they have the Box of Pain? Yeah. That's, like, the opposite.

of the Box of Awesome. Oh my God. I put my hand in and what do I get? You get pleasure. Whether you want to drink or eat more awesome, dress and travel more awesome, or explore more awesome, the Box of Awesome has it covered. Go to boxofawesome.com. Take that quiz. Your answers help them pick the right Box of Awesome for you. Free to join. New items every month. The only quiz you can't fail. Matt!

What's your favorite peaceful post, dude? Hey, can I tell you about the one I just got, bro? I just got a whiskey nosing kit. It's like you could burn stuff and get your nose up to date with whiskey, dude. I didn't just get a fucking gift. I got an opportunity. That's what they gave me. That's what they fucking gave me. They gave me the reason, finally a fucking reason to buy two

fucking watches because I got, check this out, I got a little drawer that's got two little poles on it to hold watches and then an acrylic cover to protect those watches. The mahogany. And I got it. I was like, this is the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't have watches, but I need watches. Was it in black or mahogany, bro? It was, it was,

It was mahogany. You got the mahogany drop. And that fucking decided what sort of watches I bought. And I don't want to say how much I spent on watches, but it was thousands. But it was fucking worth it to make this beautiful case. The display case, dude. You can't have that case and not let it fucking do what it was born to do. You can't let that beautiful fucking piece of boutique furniture just sit there on your fucking counter without watches on it. My God.

It's incredible. I don't think I'll ever wear those watches, but I'm looking at them every day. When you become a member, you have access to stellar discounts across a plethora of products. We're talking about 30% off or more sometimes. Plus, with each Box of Awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your Box of Awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand. Free to sign up, skip a month, or cancel any time. Get 15% off your first box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code DUNGEONS at checkout. That's BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS for 15% off your first box. BoxOfAwesome.com, code DUNGEONS.

Dungeons and Dimes is brought to you this week by Blue Nile. Blue Nile. You saw me standing alone. Blue Nile. Dulcet tones over there. The road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories or can be short and thrilling or anything in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring, straightforward path. As the Nazgul flies. Doesn't...

All you got to do is head over to BlueNile.com. On BlueNile.com, you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile's the original online jeweler since 1999. Dog since Pets.com, dude. The Pets era. Since the Pets.com era. But they survived because they were committed to ensuring. You know why? Because Blue Nile wasn't out there posting up Super Bowl ads, burning through all their liquid capital. They're too busy ensuring that the highest ethical standards are met.

observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. And in most cases it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns so you can make sure your ring is the one ring. Here's how you know they're killers over at Blue Nile. They started in 1999, one of the greatest years in video game history of

of all time and they were able to focus and make a company while games like Heroes of Might and Magic 3 System Shock 2 Final Fantasy 8 Age of Empires Dose dude all these games were coming out and they were still made Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Beth

It was coming out that year. Okay, now I'm interested. Because you want that love to last forever. Unlike video games, you get guaranteed service. Like my love of EverQuest and Driver. And Repair. Which came out in 1999. For life. The greatest year of my life. Right now, get 30% off select lab-grown diamonds at BlueNile.com. Plus, use code DUNGEONS to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code DUNGEONS at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Planescape Torment. That game rules.

They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

Sleep Number does that. You want to sleep cooler while they like to feel warm? Sleep Number does that too. J.D. Power ranks Sleep Number number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in-store. And now, during Sleep Number's biggest sale of the year, save 50% on the Sleep Number limited edition smart bed, plus special financing for a limited time. For J.D. Power 2023 award information, visit jdpower.com slash awards. Only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com.

See store for details.