Ep. 1 - A Man and His Handshake
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Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, which is not a BDSM podcast. That's very important. This is actually a D&D real play podcast that tells the story of four dads from our world who are transported into the Forgotten Realms.

and their quest to rescue their lost sons. For those of you who have never played Dungeons & Dragons or listened to a D&D podcast before, here's all you need to know. This is basically an improvised adventure where we, the players, who will be introducing themselves shortly, roleplay as dad characters. We can basically do anything we want, but the results of our actions are dictated by Anthony, our dungeon master, and the rolls of dice.

The standard die used is a 20-sided dice called a D20, and basically the higher we roll, the better the outcome, 1 being a total failure and 20 being a total success. That being said, my name is Freddie Wong, and I play Glenn Close, who is a dad rock cover band dad slash bard.

Fun dad fact about Glenn. You might have saw him back in 1997, one of the side stages of Bonnaroo, him and the Glenn Close trio played one of these side stages on the way to the hot dogs. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Daryl Wilson, who's a stay at home sports dad who has now come into his own as a barbarian.

A little fact about Daryl Wilson is that he would be the head coach of the West Rock Elementary Doodlers if it weren't for some jerk named Darnell. Whatever, fuck that guy. I'm Will Campos. I'm playing Henry Oak, nature Birkenstock granola dad slash druid. Fun fact about Henry is he rolled in with a big old pack of condoms on this adventure. Not for the reason you might think, but because...

Condoms in an emergency situation can be used to store up to 10 gallons of water a piece. That's survival. Basics. Henry might find good use for those condoms on the course of this adventure. Here's hoping. If not in one way, then another. Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally restrained stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron...

Never took a sex ed class. Doesn't know how to be a father, either from an emotional, supportive standpoint or a physical standpoint. No...

clue, but he's a stepdad. I'm a stepdad, so... I'm Anthony Burch. I'm the DM. Ooh! I guess that stands for Daddy Master in this game. You're like our dad. I'm the dad of dads. I'm the dad of dads. I'm Daddy Daddy. The double dad. The DD, the Daddy Dad. Let's get right into it. This is episode one, A Man and His Handshake.

So today is the day of the regional Kiwi League soccer game, and we are about to join some dads whose kids go to West Rock Elementary. The West Rock Elementary Doodlers are one of the strongest soccer teams in the region, and they are going to be highly favored in today's competition. We're going to start with one of the dads waiting for the van, the carpool, to come and pick him up for the regional soccer tournament.

Glenn Close and his son, Nicholas, are standing out on the street waiting for the van to come and pick them up for the soccer game. Can you roll perception with disadvantage? So roll twice and take the worst. That's a 10 and a four, so a four. Okay, cool. So everything seems fine and normal to you. Daryl Wilson drives up in his van. Next to him, his son, Grant, is playing Fortnite on his phone. What are you doing?

So I feel like I'm just like kicked back in the grass and like my kid might be like standing around maybe impatient. Nick is standing around impatient. I'm definitely just like lean back like, yo man. Okay. Be play cool dog. So yeah, Glenn is leaning back and when you drive up, you see that Glenn's kid is definitely smoking a blunt. You excited about that game there, Grant? And what? One second. What the? Hey, Grant, turn away there for a second.

I wrote down the window. He continues to keep looking at his phone. Nothing changes. Good, Grant. Keep doing that. Hey, Glenn. Oh, yeah. Hey, what's up, man? How's it going? Are you my ride? Yeah. Can you come here? Can we talk for a second? We'll be right with you, young man. Can you get over here?

I mean, do you mean like close to the car? Okay, all right. Sure. Okay, so I'll walk around somewhat blindly around on the driver's side. I hate to embarrass you in front of my boy here, but I think your kid is smoking, you know, right there on the grass right now. What?

Rock and roll, man. As you turn to see him, your son just goes, and waves at you and continues smoking. No shame, no embarrassment. Oh, rock on, man. I think I expected him to get into that a little bit. You can't let your kid walk over you, man. You got to go tell him to put that thing out. I ain't having that in my car. My boy Grant's right here. He might see it. Oh, hey, Grant.

It's a noncommittal grunt. He just makes a noise. He's dropping. Okay. Yeah. Oh, no smoking in your car. I dig that. All right, man. Your car, your rules. I walk over and I go over to my boy and I try to persuade him to let me take a hit before we stamp it out. He goes, oh, yeah, no problem. Bops. And hands it to you. Oh, hell yeah. On a scale of like one to 20, what kind of dankness are we looking at here weed-wise? Can you roll for dankness? Yeah. Yeah.

20. That's the dangest shit. That's a natural 20. That's a natural 20. Okay, it's literally the dankest weed that you've ever had in your life. And your son seems to be taking it like it's not a big deal and it fucking throws you for a loop. Hey man, where did you get that? From you, dad. Sorry, from you, dad. Smoke does weird stuff to my vocal cords.

You just seem so happy and you seem so cool when you do it that I figured I would try it. And it feels great. Yeah. I'm very hungry and I kind of want to fuck. Yeah, man. I dig it. Well, you know, I'm just telling you this poindexter driving the car over here doesn't want you. Huh?

Hey, we going, boys? He sounds like a fucking narc. Yeah, he is, man. You know what? I'm just going to take that. Let's just put it in the mailbox here for us. It'll be our little secret. All right. It'll be like a little present for ourselves when we get back. All right. Yeah, I dig it. All right. He opens the mailbox and shoves it in and then closes it and puts the flag down. He's like, we don't want a mailman finding that. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

I hold out my hand for a fist bump. He goes for it. Nice. Hell yeah. I feel like I'm fucking bonding with my kid already, guys. This is hot as hell. Is this what fucking being a parent is like? Because fucking sign me up. This sounds great. Oh my God. I think we bored the van. You bored the van. Hey, Glenn, I hope you realize that I ain't no narc. I party occasionally, too. Just, you know, in front of the kids. Maybe someday we could, you know.

Anyways, nice to have you aboard. I just don't want you to think I'm like, you know. I've already reclined my seat. All right, let's just get this baby going then. Grant just turns and just makes like dead eye contact with you as he's saying like, I'm cool, I'm not an anarcho or whatever. And like his gaze tells you everything you need to know about how true that is.

Okay, then we will cut to the street outside of Henry Oak's house. So why don't you describe what kind of neighborhood Henry Oak might live in? Henry lives in like, you know, a nice little suburb. Probably like, I don't know San Dimas that well, but like if there's a Silver Lake in San Dimas, that's where Henry lives with his wife, who's a classical musician.

DJ, they have like a, you know, their house is full of books and there's like, you know, like a nice big tree out front. He's got a coexist bumper sticker on his car, a Subaru, which is parked in the parking lot. And there is a welcome mat out front that says like good vibes, uh,

Come on in. That's a biodiesel Subaru, too. Biodiesel, corn oil, ethanol Subaru. 100%. Okay, so when the minivan... Sorry, the van. It's a van, right? That's not a minivan. It is a minivan. Really? It's very large for a minivan. You have not spent a lot of time around real vans, my friend. Apparently not. When the Honda Odyssey minivan approaches...

you see two small children near a tree on a very well-kept lawn, and the kids are just punching the tree as hard as they can and just going, yes, yes, yes, power, power, power. What is their dad doing?

Uh, I'm clapping for the kids. I'm saying that's great kids work up that energy. This is a really good way to empower your spirit. If you could just be a little bit more respectful of the tree is my only concern. We're supposed to be doing our power cleansing energy ritual to the air, to the open air, which can receive our positive spirits. Sparrow immediately starts like stripping bark off of the tree with his nails that are like getting bloody and just being like, I will make you a naked tree, a naked tree that I will then punch.

Sparrow, how would you like it if someone ripped off your skin without consent?

Uh, he just, he just ignores you and just goes power and just continues to punch the tree. Okay, boys, it looks like our ride is here. It seems like the other adults have come in there, a low mileage van. Uh, that's not great for the earth, but, uh, you know, I guess we're carpooling, so it's okay. Come on kids. Let's go. So they will basically continue to ignore you unless you're like, are you going to like physically, like how are you going to get him in the van? Um, okay. Uh, uh, uh, Lark Sparrow, I'm going to need you guys to be, to be real buddies and, uh, and, and listen to dad now. All right.

Yeah, that'll do it. Power! And then they turn to each other and they go, dual mode! And they now start exchanging punches directly into each other's chests, like one after the other, blow for blow. Okay, okay, okay. Kids, let's focus that energy over here towards Dad, okay? Let's all, let's see who can... Your son's immediately punched you in the chest. Okay, that's not exactly what I meant, but maybe let's all see who can run to the car the fastest.

Challenge accepted. Father. And they start sprinting as fast as they can, but they don't break at all. They just like run full speed into the side of the minivan. Oh, hey there, boys. Hey, you must be Henry. How's it going? My name's Daryl. Daryl Wilson. Hey, Henry. It's a wait. You guys don't have to actually physically shake hands in real life. Hey. Hey there. Just about being polite. Just giving a man a handshake. You can tell a lot by a man from a handshake.

Hi there, Daryl. These are my two beautiful boys, Lark and Sparrow. Sorry, I misheard that. What were their names again? Lark and Sparrow. That's Lark Oak and Sparrow Oak. And we're so excited for the game today. You know, my kid Sparrow drew the doodler, so we're really pumped to see these new uniforms. He was born from my brain.

That's right, Sparrow. He is my seed. All those art lessons at the Montessori preschool he went to really paid off. Hey, Glenn, take a look at this guy. Am I right? Huh? What? No, I'm a little bit hazed out from the strength of the previous aforementioned one. Now, boys, and then I grab both my boys by their hands. I say, before we get in, what are we going to do when we get in the car?

Uh, fight! No, we're going to be... I like your voice. We're going to be very respectful, and we're going to be very positive, and then we're going to go out, and we're going to have a wonderful time today. Can you say that? Can you say, we're going to go out and have a wonderful time today? I'm going to have a good time today. Okay, close enough. Come on in, guys. They go in, and they immediately start thumb wrestling and sort of having a whole, like, they're roughhousing. Hey, uh, Henry, kids, uh...

Kids are pretty rambunctious there, man. Oh, they're just free-spirited. They take after me. You know, I was sort of a wild child in my youth. Yeah, what was the craziest thing you've ever done? Oh, this one time, my parents wanted me to come home by 8 o'clock, and me and a couple other boys were out having fun, so we stayed out all the way to 9.30. Huh. I burned down my first school!

You didn't burn down the entire school. The fire damage was limited to one or two classrooms. I'll do better next time. Okay.

All right. Who wants grape nuts? I've got a baggie of grape nuts with me. Well, I'm going to be snacking on my grape nuts, and if anyone wants some, just let me know if you want some of these nuts, and we'll chow down. Is everybody buckled up? Are you boys buckled up back there? Boy, oh boy, are we ever. All right. If you look, they are super not. Hey, Henry, I don't mean to...

Don't mean to call your kids a liar, but if you could get them to buckle up, we could start that. They'll buckle up once we get started on the road. Relationships are built on trust. That's what you tell me. You should trust that we're going to buckle up. You know, I'm trying to let them make their own decisions. So, you know, it's called free-range parenting. Wow.

I stare at the mirror for a very long time, and then finally I just start driving without saying a word. Okay, so we got to outside Ron Stampler's house. What does Ron Stampler's neighborhood look like? There are several houses on either side of the street. You know what? Forget I asked. So what is Ron Stampler doing with Terry Jr.?

Oh, Terry Jr. Your stepson. Yeah. I am preparing Terry some instant oatmeal as requested. Actually, my wife, Samantha, has just informed me that I need water in the... I can't just pour the packet in the bowl. Oh.

Kind of a little bit getting into the nitty gritty there. Don't need that extra sort of flourish, but I'll do it because I love my stepson, Terry Jr. Roll a perception. That is a five. Okay, so he has not been around for at least an hour. Okay.

Well, I guess somebody's not getting their instant opening. Hey, Tim, Terry, Terry, where are you at, bud? So you hear outside a telltale like sigh of just like utter exasperation with your bullshit. You just hear like, Daddy? I mean, Terry?

Is that you? Sounded pretty far away. You might want to open the door and check. Listen, pal, I know that I haven't been there for you. Shit.

Because I wasn't married to your wife. I mean, to your mom before your dad died. I've written several letters trying to emote on paper what I can't always do in person. And you know I'm working on that. So the Honda Odyssey drives up and you just see a lone kid standing on the sidewalk with his bags just looking very upset. And you can like very distantly hear from inside the house like, Mom.

Hey, Terry! Oh, man, this guy's a hell of a center field. Grant, you can learn from him. Come on, Terry, get going. Let's get in here. All right. Yep. Hey, where's your pa? He's not coming. We're just going to go right now. Let's go. Yeah, do that, buddy. Terry! Terry, I was informed to tell you not to get in vans with strangers. Oh, hey, Ron. I ain't no stranger. I'm Darrell Wilson. We know each other. Oh.

Hey, Daryl. Wow. Yep. That's me, Daryl. Literally just told you his name. You almost said Dan. Typical fucking Ron Stampley move. I will go in the back. Ron, you should go somewhere else. No, sit next to Grant. You could probably pass to him more often. That sounds great. I will sit next to Grant. Great, great. Boys, you might have your boys in the back there. So where am I sitting? Don't give a shit. There's a...

It's kind of cramped in here, fellas. All fellas, huh? That's okay. All guys in here, huh? Just guys hanging out in the van. That's kind of... I mean, I don't think it's weird, but it's just kind of cramped in here. Not much room to be... Holy shit. He's such a homophobe. I think it's really great for men to bond together. And, you know, like, boys need such positive role models these days, what with all the toxic masculinity out there. I'm Henry, by the way. Anyway, you can scooch on in here next to me. You want a grape nut? What? What? What?

Oh, is that instant oatmeal without any water in it? You know, that is how I love to eat my oats. Call me crazy, but I call it eating in the meat. That's my little joke. I'm a, I'm a teetotaler myself, but like, I like to say neat, you know, and it makes me feel neat.

Is English your native language? I'm not racist. Oh boy, he is. Here's some oatmeal. I take a little handful of oatmeal. I'm going to save this for later. You know what this goes great with is grape nuts.

Still no idea what that is. Let's listen to the radio. Sounds good. Hey, Ron and Henry, would you mind sharing a seatbelt? I don't want anybody not to be buckled up and there's not enough for you back there. No, it's okay. Safety is not a priority. I know, no problem. I go ahead and I reach the seatbelt around to buckle in with Ron. Fantastic. I turn on some kick-ass dad rock. Freddie, what is good dad rock? I mean...

Hey, Glenn, why don't we play some of your music? You got any CDs or cassette tapes? Actually, my wife, Mercedes Oak Garcia, is going to be... She's on KPSC right now doing the rock block of Bach. If you guys would like to listen to a little Baroque period music. Hey, Ron, what sort of music do you like to listen to? Um...

Rufus Wainwright? Oh my god. Alright, I'm putting on 60s and 70s great hits as we go. And I turn on and it starts playing Led Zeppelin. Okay. You head off toward the regional soccer tournament.

Whoa, easy there. Yeah.

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You are about an hour away from the site where the regionals will take place. It's been about a two-hour drive thus far, and the gas tank just put on its warning light. I feel like Daryl would be the kind of guy who's like, don't worry, I know how much gas my van has. Don't worry about it. I absolutely know how much gas my van has. You can go an extra 42 miles once that bad boy turns on. Okay, cool. So the road is getting very, very rocky. You're going up a hill, basically, that you cannot see what's on the other side of it. What is everyone in the car doing right now?

Glenn Close has definitely kicked back and taken a nap. Daryl Wilson's driving and he's playing Graceland by Paul Simon and is trying to explain to his kids just why this is real music. Very good choice. They are playing Fortnite on their phones. Grant, Grant, where you drop there, son? Where you drop there today? Tilted. Tilted.

Tilted. I told you that's not the best place to drop, son. It's a pretty good place to drop. You just don't know how to shoot people, but that's fine. Ron is suddenly looking for a place to maybe vomit in if the road gets any rockier. Yeah, why is it so rocky all of a sudden? I thought this is a regional soccer final. Is the road closed or something? Are we taking a detour? I don't want to say that Daryl is a bad driver who doesn't know where he's going. I don't want to say that.

Excuse me, Mr. Driver, Sir Daryl. Hi. Hi. It's me, Henry. I know your name, Henry. Don't worry about it. How's it going, buddy? Way here in the way back seats with my two boys, Lark and Sparrow. I was wondering if you had any Band-Aids up there. Well, Lark and Sparrow have been goofing around. I've been trying to keep these two knuckleheads under control, and I think we've got a bit of a boo-boo situation out here. Grant, give him some Band-Aids from that survival pack right there underneath your seat. He does it without hesitation. Doesn't even look. Thank you, Grant. Say thank you to Grant, boys.

They don't say thank you to. They're shouting at each other. Now hold still and let me put the and let me put these band-aids on. Just just just hold still. OK, hold still. Hey, Will question. You're really not your your guy's not going to do a little neosporin or something first.

Oh, you know, shoot, that's right. Thank you for reminding me, Glenn Close. I've got some iodine here in my pocket. Oh, my God. Hold still, Lark. I'm going to try to apply this iodine without spilling it all over Mr. Wilson's wonderful backseat. Roll dexterity.

Nine. All right. You miss with the iodine. The bottle spills all over the backseat of the Odyssey. Oh, my God. I think I'm going to throw up. Iodine has a very distinct smell. Oh, geez. Oh, oh, geez. Oh, geez. I'm so sorry, Daryl. I can't even respond to it. Daryl just keeps driving. He turns up the volume of Graceland. And from the back, I notice his knuckles wipe.

As they grip the steering wheel. Lark and Sparrow are almost excited to basically have you be more upset at yourself than you are at them. So they just continue to roughhouse even harder. Just be a little bit more quiet, boys, okay? They do not change their volume one deci-decibel. Okay, so as you approach the apex of this hill, and as the road gets rockier and rockier, which you especially find strange, Daryl, because on the- It's a road.

It's a road and you MapQuest this like any good dad. You do not have a GPS. You just sort of printed it out, I'm assuming. Holy shit. I definitely have. Not only do I have my phone, but I have a GPS in the car as well. Okay, okay. One of those old school Garmin GPSs. Oh, hell yeah. Okay, nice. The old Garmin GPS says that there should be a road here, but you're just seeing that there isn't one.

Hey, Grant, can you pause that game there for a second and check out the little Google Maps there? It's multiplayer. I can't pause. I've told you this so many times. All right. Just be good. Anybody could help out old Daryl here. I want to do a geology check. Sure. To see if I can see any, suss out anything from the rock formation. Sure, sure. So what stat do you think you would use for that? I was just going to roll a d20 and hope for the best. I guess that would be...

Investigation, maybe? Wisdom? Let's do investigation. Investigation's good. Can I get like a bonus or something since this is my literal career is being a geologist, hanging out in a geology museum? Yes, you will have advantage. So roll twice and take the better of the two rolls. Okay. 19. Opa!

14. I'm going to take that 19. All right, you got it. So you learn that this does not make sense. What you saw behind you was paved road and then very suddenly and abruptly it turned into stone and not in the sense of like they stopped paving because there would be a fall off period. There'd be like a fade to like rock. This rock is

A just came seemingly out of nowhere and B isn't something that you recognize as, as somebody who knows all the rock, you know, all the rocks, you know, the best rocks and this you've never seen these rocks before. The only person who knows more rock is Glenn. It's true. Gentlemen, I'd like to talk about the rocks for a second.

I can't help but do you remember that scene in Jurassic Park where Ellie Sattler, the very attractive Laura Dern, is looking at the leaves and she notices that the leaves are different and that's kind of the first clue. Daryl is turning up the volume. Something strange is going on. I can't help but notice that these rock formations are quite unusual. I really think we should pull over. As you say that, you reach the apex of the hill and as the car sort of goes over it, you see that basically in front of you where there should be

more rock, more road, anything, there is instead a very large, very purple, very swirling vortex. And it begins to suck on the car. And you feel the car being... Interesting way of putting it. It begins to vacuum in the car, essentially. Oh, mighty! I slam on the brakes. They stop, but the car keeps getting toward it, keeps getting toward it. Does everybody have their seatbelts on? If not...

I definitely do. Daryl Wilson definitely asked everybody to have their seatbelts on, whether or not they did. I do not because I was dabbing up the iodine in the back seat. I think because you were dabbing. You were Fortnite dabbing. I was dabbing on them. I make the sign of the cross. Daryl! Daryl, that's my own name. Grant! You bring yourself. Grant, call your mom, Grant. Something's happening, Grant. Call your mom. He goes, I got a victory royale. Hell yeah. Grant! Grant!

Can I roll to throw up? Roll constitution. 18. Plus two. You managed to keep it down. I do. And as you're feeling very proud of yourself for managing to stomach that vomit, and as Glenn Close looks into the heart of the vortex and thinks that perhaps he has taken one too many of his drugs, the Honda Odyssey is sucked in, and very suddenly everything goes purple. Not black, purple. Yeah.

Okay. Every single sense that you have is overtaken. You feel with more certainty that gravity exists, that up is up and down is down, that you have not been a good father to your child. Daryl Wilson takes his sunglasses that are on the top of his baseball cap and put them over his eyes so nobody can see him crying because he is absolutely weeping.

Ron remains unchanged. He already was certain of this information. You hear a screaming. You hear a scuffle. You hear dragging feet. And then suddenly everything goes dark. And then there is the sound of scratching. And slowly, each of you begin to wake up to find several things. A, you are wounded if you did not have your seatbelt on. Oh, boy. You take a D6 of damage if you didn't have your seatbelt on.

Daryl Wilson's rolling his eyes right now. That's a one damage. All right. One damage. Nice. Two, the van is nowhere near the last place you saw it.

And three, all of your children are gone. Are we in the van? Yes, you are still in the van. You are still everything as it was, except for the fact that the car seems to have sustained weirdly no damage. But the doors are wide open. The side door is wide open. Your kids are gone. There doesn't seem to be any roll call. Daryl Wilson, your roll call. Henry Oak sounding off from the back. Daryl, don't care about Henry. Anybody else roll call Grant roll call kids. Grant. Oh, man. Is.

Is Terry, Terry's here. Terry's no, no. Terry is not here. I thought that Terry was here, but Terry is not here. I don't want to be a bother, but my sons are also missing. Oh my God. Oh Lord.

I look to the right where my son was. Oh, shit. He's probably just around here somewhere, man. He's such a free spirit. We should get out of this car and look for him, guys. I put the child safety locks on. Everybody stop for a second. Everybody stop for a second. Point of order, you can't do that in the 2013 Honda Odyssey. I should know as I own one. I modify myself. Oh, modifications. All right. Okay. Okay. All right. Black market modifications. Can I do an investigation check of what's outside? Yes.

It's a 14. Okay. So you can tell almost immediately that something is very wrong. Not just the fact that, you know, your kids are gone, but the sun is not in the right position from where you just were. When you were driving, it was about to become noon and now it looks more like it's almost sunset. The trees around you are not trees you've ever seen in California before. And there's a lot fewer mountains than you thought. You don't, you remember you were right next to a mountain and you don't see the mountain anymore.

guys, it's pretty weird out here. I'm, I'm slowly trying to sort of curtail the excitement I'm feeling and all this new discovery stuff that I'm like, I'm freaked out about my kids, but I'm also like, whoa, this is crazy. Something crazy is going on. So I try to project an air of authority to mask the fact that I'm more excited than I care to admit role persuasion. And that's a, that's on all of us, right? Yeah. That would be a natural one. Uh,

Henry Oak looks more terrified than you've ever seen a human being look. All right, all right, everybody listen up. It is very important that when we're in a survival situation, we all stay calm. So please stay calm. Please stay calm. Our sons are not dead, probably, although they might be. And there's been many scary rocks and new trees, unlike anything I've ever seen before. So I just think it's really important that we all stay calm. I just wanted to say that again. I'm Henry Oak. It's nice to meet you all, and I'm sorry about the iodine. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Can I do a stealth check? What for? I want to grab my secret item from below my... Okay, go ahead. Roll stealth check. 15. All right, everybody else roll perception. 13. One. A four. All right, you managed to access your secret item. I grab a secret item and I slowly unwrap the secret item and I chew the secret item very quietly while trying to stay calm and breathe deeply. Is it a Snickers? Snickers.

All right, everybody. We lost our kids. I think we should start looking for them, man. That's a good idea. I unbuckle my not buckled seatbelt and I step outside and have a look around. All right. So you see a river headed to what appears to be north for wherever the hell you are. Behind you is basically just a big old plane, a flat plane that doesn't match the hill you just went up. And it doesn't seem like there's really anything of note in that direction.

To your left is a forest and to your right is basically just more of the river just sort of continues onward to the right. I pull out my phone and I see if there's any sort of signal whatsoever. There is some signal. You've got one bar, but just roll a d20.

17. 17, not bad. Okay, so you've got 25% battery left, which basically equates to, let's say, 15 minutes of time. Listen, as a rock star that's been on the road before, I know immediately that it's time to put this bad boy in low power mode. So that extends my... Extends it to 30, but you'll be able to do less things. And also my games will run at lower FPS. Yeah, you're not going to be able to get any fucking Battle Royale wins. Okay.

So if I have a phone, I'm going to go ahead and give a call to like AAA. Okay.

Hello, this is AAA. How may I help you? Is your car in a safe space? Yeah, you know, I don't... Hey, you got OnStar in this thing? Afraid it's the 2013 Honda Odyssey of OnStar? It would not, no. But he does have a Garmin GPS, doesn't he? I do have a Garmin GPS. You know, yeah, we're off... I think we're safe here. We're on the side of the road. Hold on, man. I'm just trying to figure out where we are. Hey, wait...

What does the GPS say? The GPS, when you look at it, is frozen on the last spot you were at before you went into the vortex. And it's basically just spinning around over and over like a fucked up compass. It says we're right where we were. I relay the last known location and the route that we were driving to AAA. Yeah, absolutely. We will send a technician out there as soon as we can. Make sure to stay within reach of your car. Stay on the phone. And yeah, so is it a matter of did you have a busted tire? Keys in the car? What's the...

Yeah, I just think we're a little bit lost and we could just use some help. Tell them about the Vortex. Yeah, we drove through this weird, there was something in the road. See, I'm not quite sure if this is an LSD flashback or if I, so I'm just going to be a little vague here. Neither is the turtle technician. I grabbed the phone from him. Roll dexterity.

Just for you to try to fight it. That's a contest. That's a contest. It's my phone. 12 plus 1. Okay, so 13 versus... 18 plus 3, 21. Okay, so Glenn manages to snatch it out of here. Yo, bro, bro. Relax, man. Glenn. You just yell your own name when you're excited. Daryl. Daryl.

Glenn, tell them about our kids. Tell them where we're at. Tell them what happened. What are you doing? Right. Yeah. And we had some kids with us. They're missing. Sir, if there's an emergency, you need to hang up. Dial 911. This sounds prank adjacent. That's what I'm saying. I don't trust these people. I do hang. I do hang up and I dial 911. 911, what's your emergency? Okay.

I relay to him where we are. I tell him that the kids are missing and to the best of my ability, where we were and what happened before all this went down. Yeah, just stay calm. Stay on the line. We will send an officer out to assess the situation. All right, I hang up. Don't worry, guys. Cops are on the way. Where?

Are any of you thinking that we're not, that we're non-California anymore? You know, I have to say, it sounds a little silly, but I think given that we seem to have fallen through some sort of space-time vortex, that I would agree with you, Daryl. Also, again, I can't stretch this enough. These rocks and trees are very different and very strange and not of any California region that I'm aware of. These are not redwoods, y'all. Everyone roll Perception. Perception.

19. Ooh. That alcohol helped, apparently. Two. 24. Ooh. Okay, so Glenn and Henry notice that from the forest to your left, a rustle of leaves. Glenn, are you seeing what I'm seeing? Are you seeing those leaves rustling over there? I think so.

I'm also not sure. I would like to draw our attention to the rustling leaves that I definitely saw. And I think he also saw, although he may be high. Ah, yeah. As you all are looking in that direction with sort of dumb looks on your faces, an arrow comes sailing through

the trees at Henry and what is your, what is your AC? Oh, 15. Okay. So it lands right at your feet. Oh, you see three men in red cloaks come out of the trees. Uh, one of them is holding a net. One of them is, uh, trying to restring an arrow into his bow. And another one has two axes and he charges you. Uh, so everybody roll initiative real quick.

There'll be a nine. Two. Okay. Nine. Three. Okay. Guys, which dad do you think has the biggest ding dong? Stick around long enough, we may find out. Stay tuned, podcast listeners. Okay. So the first guy who fucked up his bow attack is going to...

Restring an arrow, take cover behind a tree, and then lean out to try to hit Daryl because he seems to be the alpha male. I'll say Daryl is just because this probably means I'm not well prepared. I definitely do not think these are dangerous soldiers at first or anything. Daryl's like, whoa, there, gentlemen. Watch where you're shooting that thing. Oh, nice. Okay.

That does, oof, that does six damage to you. You gotta be careful. So the arrow hits you directly in the shoulder blade, or not shoulder blade, you'd be facing the wrong direction, directly in the shoulder. Okay. And it's sort of sticking out of you like an Ace Ventura when nature calls.

Good reference. I dropped to one knee and then my other hand has it and my eyes look at him and now they're red with rage. Oh, boy. Are you activating your rage? Daryl gets angry quickly. On your turn, you can. The second guy with the net is going to attempt to throw it at Ron. He misses horribly. The net just sort of lands limply next to you. This fish cannot be caught. Laughter Laughter

And then the final guy, the axe guy, is going to run at you full force. Glenn Close, he's going to attack with his axe. And does 16 beat your armor class? 14 armor class, yeah.

So he does three damage. All right. Oh, I definitely am back to sober at this point because I've been basically his axe rather than like cleaving into you like the flat side of it just smacks you across the face like a fucking dueling glove. Just how your ears ring in your jaw jangles. We've all been there. OK, who's up now? It is Ron Stampler's turn.

I am very suspicious, and I'm wondering if maybe I could call the police and make a difference here. Do I have cell power? You do. You have, roll a d20. 15. All right, you also have 25% power. I'm going to use that to call my stepson. Okay. All right. Interesting, in the middle of battle.

Yeah. What is it, Ron? Jerry, Junior, I'm in the middle of battle. I'm wondering what I should do. Probably die. Sounds like that's something you would do. Oh, no! Jerry...

I'll call you back. I feel like that definitely did a morale hit, too. All right. Yikes. All right. Take 1d4 psychic damage. Two. So take two damage. Seems a little low, but... Guys, we need to beat these people, or whatever they are, for the sake of our sons, or who they used to be. Okay. Next, it is Henry Oak.

Henry Oak is going to, oh, geez, Louise. Henry Oak is very flustered. He's never been in any kind of combat before. Henry Oak is really concerned about that arrow wound in Daryl's chest, and Henry still has his iodine on him. Oh, Christ. What's left of it? So Henry's going to try to pour some iodine over that nasty cut and maybe remove that arrow to help Daryl out. Okay, why don't you roll medicine? Medicine? Oh, boy, I'm a trooper at that. I've got a plus three to medicine.

I got a seven. Let's say you definitely sort of hit the general area of the arrow with iodine. Do you try to yank it out or are you just trying to disinfect? I definitely try to, well, I think in the heat of battle, I would be like, I don't want more blood loss, but I do want to disinfect. Okay, so you have disinfected it. It's not going to give him any healing benefits and you also get some in his face and some in his face just kind of smells funny now. It's got that weird stain, that iodine stain. Yeah. Now it is your turn.

Okay, Daryl is going to activate Rage. So this is as a bonus action. I enter Rage for one minute. Okay. Ten rounds. I gain advantage on strength checks and saving throws, not attacks. And plus two melee damage with strength weapons. Resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and much other shit. Okay. Okay.

Darryl Wilson is very upset. Darryl Wilson. So clarify, what are the three people here? One has an axe. One just threw a net and seems to have nothing else in his hands. And the other one has a bow and arrow and is taking cover in the trees. How far away is that guy who shot me with an arrow? You could run to him. Okay. I stand up and I grab... We're near the minivan, so I can grab my toolbox axe, like one of those... Sure. Like a little hatchet. What do we call those, Freddy? It'd be a hatchet. A little hatchet. Okay. I get hatchet.

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Grant doesn't listen for two seconds. Doesn't listen for two seconds. He would like Grace Lampie. Fucking listen to it. Listen to Magos. I listen to 6XI99 or whatever it is. And Logic doesn't listen to me whatsoever. I charge the guy and I raise my axe up. Wait, you generate your rage from the fact that your son doesn't listen to you? Fucking doesn't listen. Daryl doesn't. Holy shit. Nobody fucking listens in this goddamn car. Don't have their seatbelts on. No wonder they're fucking hurt. And I start charging the guy. Okay. Do you attack him with your axe? Yes. Okay. So give me a roll.

That's a 14 plus... What do I... Doesn't matter. You hit him. Okay. Now roll your damage. So it's going to be a hand axe. It's going to be 1d6 plus 3. That's going to be a 5 plus a 3. That's an 8. And then I get plus 2, so that's a 10. Wow, okay. So the hatchet goes...

right into his neck. It doesn't go enough, you know, far enough to feel like, oh, cool, you killed him, but it gets jammed in there and arterial spray begins to mix with the red of his cloak and you get some blood on you right where the iodine is and you're just covered in a lot of things right now. I whisper to him as he's bleeding, I go, where's my son? Is the arrow still in you? Yes. Okay, cool.

Also, the iodine stinks pretty bad. I don't feel anything but the blinding hate and rage right now. Yeah. And he the red cloak is just like when you ask him that question.

And now it is Glenn's closest turn. So Glenn is stumbling back from getting hit by the broad side of an axe. And his first instinct, I think, would be self-defense. So I'm going to run into the van and try and shut the doors. All right. Let's just say you do that because there's nobody who's really in position to stop you. Now, the key is still in here? Yeah, they would be. I think Darrell Wilson was too upset at everybody being gone. I don't think he...

I didn't specifically pull them out. So, okay. Is the car pointed at anybody? Right now it is pointed 90 degrees from the attacker. So if you want to do, you just have to, you'd have to turn 90 degrees to the left and then it would be pointed at them. I'd like to try and aim the car and run down the closest person who's been attacking us.

Okay. That would be net guy. Let's see. What's a good stat for using the car. I do want to point out that I do have a proficiency with land vehicles. Cause I did drive the tour bus for the Glenn clothes trio. Okay. So I do know my way around the variety of vehicles and vehicle classes. Uh, let's say survival is driving the car. Uh, I feel like animal hand. I was going to say animal handling. I just felt it was less likely that you would actually have stats for that. So yeah, we'll do animal handling. Cause I think that's funny.

15 plus one, so 16. Okay. So your car is now successfully... You didn't have time to get it up to super high speed. It's going about 15 miles an hour, and next turn it will hit net guy if he doesn't succeed at a pretty significant... Saving role. Saving role. All right, so now Thursday... This has got to be a D&D first, right? That's got to be the first character to take damage from a Toyota. I'm sorry, from a Honda Odyssey, right? All right, so he's going to try to dodge...

And boy, oh boy, does he not. So what we're going to do is that getting hit with the car will be a modifier based on how fast you were going. And that's how many dice you will roll. So going at 15 miles an hour is, let's say, 1d8.

All right. And every 10 miles above 15 is another D8. Seven. All right. So seven's pretty good. So with a loud and deep whomp, the red cloak gets smacked by the hood of the car and he is splayed out on top of it, almost like he's hugging the hood of the car. And as the car continues to drive, he gets dragged forward on it. His legs aren't touching the ground anymore. He's like just completely on the hood of your car.

So he's also knocked prone, which means that you'll have advantage if you try to do melee to him or whatever. Can I turn on the windshield, like the wiper fluid? Yeah. Hit him with the wiper fluid? It adds insult to industry in these very fairs. To industry? Injury. Is the wiper fluid iodine? All right. The guy with the axe in his neck is going to try to attack Matt.

Nope. So he tries to slash at you with his axe, but it just bounces off of your non-arrow shoulder. He just sort of didn't angle it correctly, and he just looks at you, and it's the terror of the hatred in your eyes that makes him fail to connect. Nice. Double Axe Boy is going to attempt to attack Henry. That is a 16? 16 beats my armor class. Dang it. All right, so he does...

Ooh, seven damage? Ooh, hey, diddle diddle. So yeah, he carves a chunk out of your flank. How hurt are you there, Henry? How do I see my HP? I have two HP left. Whoa! So you had 10 overall. Ooh, that stings! So yeah, it's not looking great, at least on that route. But now it is. I did the orders wrong last time, so actually it's Freddy, and it is now your turn. So my guy in front of me is hurt and still hanging under the hood of the car. Mm-hmm.

Am I hurtling towards somebody right now? Right now you are just sort of hurtling toward the trees. If you wanted to decide to veer toward the guy that Matt is currently attacking, you could, but you would also basically... Can I glance at Freddy? Like, can we set up a thing where I throw this guy into his way?

Well, because he goes first. Yeah, I guess Freddy can do that. As a free action, yes. I'm going to definitely angle the car because I don't want to slam the car into the tree. So I'm going to angle the car kind of towards where Matt is, but I'm not going to aim it at him. So that gives you the idea. I'm honking the horn. Definitely the moment I heard my, because I call it the beast, the moment I heard the beast rev its engine, I definitely looked and I was very happy to see it take down.

a guy. I also like I smiled as a girl. So you're driving kind of parallel to the tree. Exactly. Okay. Yeah. And so I think the hope here, Matt, is that your guy being thrown into the path of the car will hurt both of them. I assume. Yes. And I'm accelerating. I'm going faster. You're basically essentially mechanically you're holding an action until he throws the dude in and then you're going to gun it even harder. Correct. Okay, cool. So now it is your turn, Matt. Okay. I hold the guy and I say sorry for the language.

All right, so do a strength check. Okay. He will contest, but with a disadvantage. I have plus five, so I have 19. Okay, so he fails. So you throw him. Wait, I gain advantage. I just want to double check how strong I was. I rolled the exact same thing, so still a 19. Okay, good. Still very good. So you throw him directly into the path of the oncoming van. The van accelerates, like you said, when you are now going 25 miles an hour, which means that you hit both of them for 2d8.

That's five plus seven. Now do it again. That's seven plus one, eight. Okay, so they are both instantly turned into a, what once was two human beings with lives and dreams is now two fleshy bags of broken excuses for bones. I've never related more.

I give Glenn a thumbs up like as like as he's driving past. Throw the fucking horns out the window. Do you do you like hit the brakes or you just sort of keep on trucking to paint a picture? I hit the brakes hard enough for them to slough off. That's exactly what I wanted to know. Do they do a comedy? Definitely slough off of the front of the car. The moment they slough off like I'm giving the thumbs up and the moment I hear that wet.

Just meat slap. I stare at it and I don't know how it's going to affect my next thing, but I start, I get ready to vomit. Okay. Yeah. Like instantly. Okay.

I feel like I'm also vomiting in the front seat, just on myself. It is Henry's turn. So who all is left standing? There's only one guy, the guy who had the net. The guy who had the net. Who now looks terrified because you just took some sort of monstrosity made of metal and turned two of his friends into dirt. Henry.

Having seen this crazy display by Daryl, feels something inside him he's never felt before. An ancient elemental power seems to activate within him, and his eyes go green, and he stretches out his hand, and a poison spray blasts forth from his palm! Oh, shit! Whoa!

It's my conjuration cantrip poison spray. I'm going to go ahead and use it. So I extend my hand towards the net boy and he must make a constitution saving throw or take one D12 poison damage. All right. Boy, he fails. Okay. So he takes D12 damage.

All right. So the spray gets him directly in the mouth as he's opening his mouth to say something. And like you see, like the acid begin to sort of like eat away or it's poison. It's not acid. Poison. Yeah, so it's poison. It's iodine. It's iodine. The iodine just like your ability to disinfect was inside you all along. It just shotgun blast him in the face, essentially. And he just is wracked with confusion and horror. And you see.

Complete panic in his eyes and he begins to turn his feet as if to run. Now it is Ron's turn. Wait, so Ron sees Henry just explode poison from his fingertips? Yep. How does that feel? Emasculating.

Desperate to join the fray and some sort of violent fray joining thing. I attempt to take the arrow out of Will's shoulder and use it as a weapon of my own. Daryl's shoulder? Daryl's shoulder. Okay. Like really the wrong person. All right, go ahead and roll medicine.

11. Yeah, you yank it out. It's not pretty. It doesn't feel good for you. You have to take a d4 of damage. Thanks, Ron. D4, that's 6. That's not possible. Not possible, my man. Not the real number. Not possible. That's a 4. Alright, oof. You take way more damage from the arrow coming out than from it coming in.

but now look who's the owner of a shiny new bloody arrow that was just i've looked away from the gore and then ron pulls the arrow out and i see like the ligaments and i just instantly vomit all over my own wound oh god perfect yeah and i dropped the floor and you're covered in blood and iodine yeah okay that's a typical friday for glenn close let me tell you all

All right, so it is the remaining ruffian's turn, and he, having seen the series of things you just described, in addition to a car ramming two of his friends, says, God damn it, I knew we shouldn't have come back for the adults. I knew it, and he runs. Oh, shit.

And now he is still in view. Do something, Daryl says to anybody who's listening. Well, so the guy's still running away, right? Yeah. So once more, Henry, still horrified by the spray of poison that flung out of his hand, looks up and sees the guy running away and thinks of his two beautiful boys and being lost in this scary world. And another veritable nature orgasm shoots through his body and he seizes with green energy and vines shoot from his hands. I think out of his hands.

You can say it. From the ground. No, he slams the ground in rage, and he casts Entangle. Ooh. Okay, cool. So grasping weeds and vines sprout from the ground in a 20-foot square starting from a point within range. So I'm going to say that I'm trying to... Yeah, you're trying to grab him. Trying to grab him. Must succeed on a strength-saving throw. Okay. Or be restrained by the entangling plants. So he's definitely going to do that with disadvantage. Okay. He does not succeed. Oh, okay.

So the vines come out from under the ground and encircle each one of his limbs and then at the same exact time just yank him right down to the ground and leave him completely prone and helpless. The combat is over. You are triumphant. Yay, we did it, everybody. So what do you do now? We took quite a bit of damage. Where are we at? Real quick, where are we at? Because I'm at five out of nine. Yeah, everybody's pretty low. I'm at two health. We'll get to that in a second. And also, just as a warning to y'all, the way that

D&D works currently in 5th ed is that basically levels 1 through 3 are survival horror in terms of how fragile you are and that will less you'll become the Avengers as time goes on but yeah you'll be pretty fragile Daryl Wilson I get up and I just with absolutely my eyes are just dead inside and I walk straight to my minivan I open up the trunk and I pull out my it's a pale ale six pack I just start pulling them off and handing them to everybody laughing

I haven't said anything. I'm just handing them whether or not they want it, and I start walking towards the guy who's tied up in the weeds, also pulling one out for him, walking towards him. If anybody drinks from one of those, you get to heal 1d4. Yeah, I mean, I've pretty much took half of it. But you'll be at a mild disadvantage for any perception checks. That's fair. That's fair.

I mean, you don't have to drink my... I'm healing one off of that. Also, as I'm handing them, I also kind of mutter and I point to the label, which is a beer in a pail. I go, it's a pail. Kind of laughing to myself. I heal three. I heal three as well. I am still in shock. I have no idea what just came over my body. So I'm pretty much out for the count. I'm just trying to recover right now. I'm also muttering their twist-offs. This gentleman is wrapped in vines. Uh-huh.

And he is looking up at you all with utter terror. You cannot see his face because he is wearing a basically his cloak is also a scarf that sort of encircles everything except for his eyes, which are just very, very wide and very, very frightened. Hold up. Ron did not take the beer because he knew somebody who drank too much beer. So he gave his other beer to Glenn.

So I'm two in. Yeah, I double I double fisted because I'm all right. So you're going to be a full disadvantage for any perception stuff for the rest of the but I did get two more health. All right. All right. Well, if nobody else doing it, I walk right up to the gentleman and I hold a beer out. I go, you've always put a hell of a fight.

And I reached the beer out to them. I go, my name is Daryl Wilson. And he like tries to reach at it, but he is constrained by the vine. So he's like, I look over at Henry. I'm like, you did this. I don't know how, I don't know what's going on.

I pull the hatchet out and I raise it above my head and I go, you promise not to hurt us if I let you out? Uh-huh. Yep. What the fuck? Yeah, absolutely. Henry recovers himself just enough to say, sir, before you do that, maybe we should bind him with this rope. I have some rope in the minivan. That's a good idea. I,

I hurry over to the minivan and get some rope. And then I use my skills I learned from the scouts to hog tie the guy. All right. While he's doing that, I run over and I take two more pieces of my secret stash and I do meditation exercises. Roll stealth again. Okay. Everybody roll perception. This should be advanced. I mean, they're like, nobody's near the minivan, right? No, no, you get advantage on it. Okay.

Is that what we're rolling? Yeah, you're on perception. I mean, I don't think I can go much lower than that. I got 15. 17 plus stealth. Okay, so you're fine. 21. Ooh, okay. Well, minus, what did I get for drinking the beer? Oh, that's true. That would be minus three. Oh, okay. So then 20. You still do see it. I'm going to email you.

I look at Henry with like a little bit of guilt in my eyes. Like what the fuck is this? I breathe. I am looking forward to this email. Okay. I just need to see it. I asked the guy, who are you? Where are we? What's going on? Where are our children?

I work for the Lance. What's going on? I'm not going to bring you in anymore, obviously. So that's fine. So we're good on that. We're not. We don't have to do that anymore. Who's Lance? What's the Lance? No, the Lance, the Lance. He's called the Lance. You know, the Lance. But no, we're not. We're not from around here. We don't think we're.

What? We've already said too much. Tell us where our children are, you son of a bitch! I mean, they're the Lances. They got auctioned off a week ago. Auctioned? Yeah. A week? How much?

We came by when we were going to the auction in Phandalin and we saw the kids. So we took the kids. We didn't have enough room for you. So I thought, oh, we'll come back after we, and then we came back and you were here and then don't kill me. I just do my job. Just doing my job. It was good. Good work. Daryl Wilson. I go ahead and I cleaned myself up with one of the many cleaning utensils. I have utensils, rags and everything I have in my car. And I come out and I feel like a new man and I'm back to my Daryl Wilson self. Okay, good. Say that again, young gentleman. And I hold my hand out, go, my name is Daryl Wilson. He,

I'm still holding my hand out. Now tell us there again without stuttering. What happened to our children? Your children were taken by his eminence, the Lance to Phandalin, at which point they were put on auction. They were sold. I know not where they're

The end. What's your name, son? My name is Three. Three? I am the third of the Lance's corporals. Well, not corporals, hunters. Is that like a son? I consider myself to be a son in many ways, yes. He dotes on me basically more than...

Everyone else in the entire organization with the exception of two other people. Sounds like a good guy. I mildly drunkenly kind of stumble up to him. I flick out my Kershaw brand everyday carry pocket knife and I go in a somewhat drunken slur. Give me one good reason not to got you like a pig right here. Ah, hi. Roll intimidation.

12 plus 3, 15. Okay. Tears begin to run down his face. And he's like, no, I know where your kids might be. That would be great. Okay. So there's always a registry of whoever the Lance sold anybody to that he keeps in his home in Phandalin. You could get that. You could let me go.

And then you would know where your kids were. You guys. Okay. Team huddle. Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad,

And I don't like him letting him go. Either we kill him right now or we bring him along with us. I'm against killing him because I think he could be useful. I do worry that he seems like he has a pretty tight bond with this Lance fellow. And I'm worried that if we let him go, he'll betray us and set us up. So we've got to kill him right now.

Okay. All right. Wait, I, I, I, he talks as fast as an auctioneer. I think that maybe he knows a good thing or two about business. I think he'd be useful even if he has no information on where our kids are, but we, he probably does. And, um, yeah, so I think we, at least we could use him for negotiation in the future. That's true. He might, if he's the third favorite of this Lance, we might be able to use him for ransom to barter him and parlay him for our children, or at least one of them, my children. I called it. I called it.

I put my glasses down to hide the tears rolling up my eyes. And I look at the three of them. I go, guys, this is tough, but I feel like we're a team.

I think we can do this. We all stick together. And I hold, I put my arms out for like a group hug. What does that, what does he think they're tied up and seeing four bloodied vomit covered men just giving themselves a hug? He thinks I am going to die. This is going to be the last thing I see is these blood vomit and iodine stained psychopaths embracing each other over the corpses of my friends. Do you men care if I quickly call Carol for a second?

Oh, yeah, man. I step away. I pull out my Nokia 3310, which is the cheapest possible. It's not a smartphone. And I also, as I'm pulling it out, I'm muttering that I gave my nice phone to Grant because he said it had better graphics for her.

for a fortnight so i'm sure it does have better graphics better graphics but this one has but this one has snake and i want to be clear i don't want to be clear his battery life has got way better saying way better 16 so you got a 16 so that means you have 50 battery life left and in on a nokia that means that means a lot yeah i mean so basically you have two days worth of keeping it on talk time you have basically a half hour of talk time right now or talk time

I call Carol, which by the way, every single time I press a button, I kind of hum. I have like a little song when I call my wife. You're going to have to do that right now. Oh, I go 310-523-10254. I love Carol. All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There were a few too many numbers there.

I thought that was nine numbers. You did nine and then you did like five more. I said, I love Carol. Okay. Okay. Oh, hey, honey. How's the soccer game going? Oh my God. Carol. Um,

Where are you right now? I'm just, uh, I'm at work. Has Grant called you? No, why would he call? What's going on? You sound so tired. What's going on? When was the last you've heard from me? Last you? What are you talking about? When I saw you this morning before you went off for the... Are you at the game? No, it's not. I look at the other man because I'm crying now. I'm kind of busy right now. Can we talk later? What's going on? I've lost Grant.

You what? I've lost Grant, and I don't know. I think I also dented the hood of the car. I'm so sorry. You dented the hood of the car? And it's – I don't know where we're at. Oh, my God. I fucking knew you would do something like this one of these days. I told – I said, Carol, no, he's a nice man. He's always seemed so prepared. And then you go and you –

fucking lose a kid? How did you do that? What do you mean lost? Where is he? I don't know. I was driving. I was straight ahead of my hands on 10 and 2 and I knew exactly where I was going and I looked back and I told him to stop playing Fortnite. I've been saying he's been playing too much Fortnite. I was trying to talk to him like he told me to. Oh my fucking god.

So you hear her go like off mic basically. And you hear, you hear, you hear her say Darnell, Darnell, we're fucking going. Darnell is, you recognize the name of the head coach who was supposed to have gone to the game today, but it called in sick mysteriously. Yeah.

She said, we're fucking going. No, apparently he lost the fucking kid. I don't know. Hey, is that Darnell over there? It doesn't fucking, why don't you focus on finding our kid? Can you really quick tell Darnell I did put a set of plays. Did he see my set of plays I emailed him? She hangs up. Oh no. She hangs up.

I take a big breath and I compose myself. I wipe my tears away. I turn and I look at everybody like with that look of like, just pretend you don't see me feeling things. You know, Daryl. I roll my eyes instantly. I know he saw me. I know he saw me.

We're in a crazy situation, Daryl. This is something we're all going to have to chew on. You know, I could be dancing the Charleston right now, but I'm really scared. So I think we should all just trust each other and relax. And I know you're going to be okay. It's okay to cry. It's okay to let it out. I move my hand and I grab his beer and I just take it away from him. I just take it away from him, looking at him and I start drinking it. Hey, Daryl. Who's Darnell? Laughter

I just keep drinking. I just glare at Ron. Okay. Well, I can see that tempers are high. Tensions are high. We're all coming down. We got to figure out what to do with this guy, man. What was the name of that city again, young sir? Phandalin. Phandalin. I think we've got to take number three here to Phandalin and see if we can parlay him back for our kids. That's my vote. That's Henry's vote. I'm just a guy, though. I use this opportunity. I step in front of him.

And I get my, I go full coach mode now because of this. I just got him asking. I go, damn right. That's a good idea there, son. I slap him on the back. I go, Glenn, why don't you pick that little guy up there and start dragging him on our way? Let's get back in the car, everybody. Three is like, I mean, I'm fine with this plan. Yeah, give me back. He'll totally barter for me. All right, let's get in the van, everybody. Cool. Sounds like a good plan. Cool. All right. I flick out the knife and I hold it to his throat. And I say, you're riding them back with me, Kimo Sabe.

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. That's a 15 in case you were wondering about the intimidation. 18 intimidation. I hop in the front seat and I go, bonk, bonk, bonk. I do a little honk so everybody knows I get in. And I open the doors with their automatic. I ask Henry what Kimo Sabe means. Oh, Kimo Sabe is a Japanese term, I believe. He also might be referencing the Lone Ranger. I believe that's maybe something Tonto says. I'm not quite sure. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk.

You know, rocks and geology is more my area. That's more my bailiwick. I'm just repeatedly honking. I think Daryl's ready for us to go. Okay, do y'all get into the van? Let's all load up into the van. Okay. The one thing I would like to say, we definitely, we have that first aid kit. I'm definitely like, can we heal? Yes, so everybody can now basically use your, yeah, you can short rest now. So you're going to roll one D8 and you're going to recover a little bit. Short rest. Oh my God, seriously? I got, I recovered two.

I am back to full health. So I'm still at full health. I think you are. I don't think I didn't hit you. 1d8 plus 2. Okay. Oh, 7 plus 2. So 9. I'm full health. Cool. Hey, Henry. What's up with those vines, doc? Oh, I figured we were going to have to talk about this at some point. I was there and then I felt a presence inside me. Henry, roll religion.

Okay. I got a 10. You got a 10. Okay. So you hear of a voice coming from inside of you and yet somehow outside of you as well. Uh, it feels like the voice of a powerful entity. You cannot unfortunately make out what it says, but you definitely know that some, some force just contacted you and may be the one responsible for granting you these powers. Uh,

But let's talk about something else. You know, it's been a long day. Let's talk about something else. I feel like that's pretty much the only thing I want to talk about is you had vines that shot out of you. And that weird mint.

Missed, too. That was odd. You know, I think maybe something's happening to me, and I'm still trying to get my bearings on it. So I really enjoy it if you guys respected my privacy and let me kind of work through what's going on on my own. Do you still have the condoms? I sure do. And you know what? Just in case, I don't know when the next time crazy shit is just going to spray out of my body, so I'm going to go ahead and put ten condoms on my fingers.

For the time being, just to make sure that nothing bad happens. I appreciate that. I keep this car pretty clean there, Henry. I appreciate that. I already feel bad about the iodine, so I don't want to make any more messes in here. So you consider me condomed up. Regarding the iodine, I don't mind. Oh, God. It's been a while since I had a laugh. I appreciate a good dad joke. Okay, so Matt, give yourself 50 XP. Oh, no. But...

But everyone else has to take 1d4 psychic damage. Oh my god, I just took 4 damage.

It's just regular damage, huh? Yeah, just regular. It's psychic. I mean, if you have an ability to withstand psychic damage. Holy shit. I feel like other dads appreciate the dad joke. I think it's in the acquired taste. I take two psychic damage from your dad joke. Three. Yeah, three. I took five on the other one, but that was a wrong dice. But I feel like, yeah, I did take five.

I whisper over to three who is again being held at knife point. Does three take damage? Oh god yeah he does. Wait wait wait I would rule that three does not know what iodine is. Oh that's actually a really good point. But he would know that iodine sounds like I don't mind. Hey three I noticed you didn't laugh at the joke there and I proceed to explain the joke. Holy shit explaining a dad joke has got to be more damage. Yeah everybody's got to roll another d4.

Christ, that's another three damage. I also got three. I also got three damage. Thank you, Matt. I'm at two hit points. Oh, my God. All right, so three takes three damage, incidentally. I whispered a three after this volley of blows. You ever see anything like those vines before, man?

No, no. I mean, well, I mean, yes, I suppose there are certainly whispers of men of magical calculation that are capable of performing feats such as that. Yeah, sure. Why not? Why not? I don't know. What do you want from me? Hey, Henry, this guy says you're like some kind of wizard, dude.

Far out. I, you know, I've always read fantasy novels. Maybe when we crossed through that threshold, there was some sort of, you know, I don't want to talk about it. I lean over to Ron and I go, liberals, and I roll my eyes. I nod and then I smile like I've already told the joke. I don't know.

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So as you come up to the city of Phandalin, any suspicions that you had that you were still in California are completely nuked. This is a town that looks straight out of a storybook. You see bipedal dragon-esque humanoids walking side by side with people that look to be human, except they're incredibly beautiful, incredibly young looking and have pointy ears and are very tall. What are clearly gnomes and dwarves and halflings. And Norwegians. Yeah. Um...

A three begins to scooch toward the front of the van and say, the Lance's house should be on the southeast corner of the town next to the tavern. I stop the car. I look at three. Wait, how are people reacting to this? Well, that's why I was going to stop the car. I was going to be like,

three there. You'd never seen one of these iron beasts before, had you? No, no, no, I hadn't. So, I don't know, everybody. Do you think we should just drive right in there? You know, I will say I was thinking about this in the car and it strikes me as little as this we know about wherever we are, they know just as little about us and it might help us to keep it that way. Yeah, says the man with vines for arms. I'm wearing the condoms wrong! Ha ha ha!

Sorry. Sorry. I am just a little sensitive about the changes that are happening to my body. So I suggest that we pull the minivan over, hide it underneath some branches here and maybe walk the rest of the way. I don't know because I got this guy at knife point, man. And I feel like if we're walking around with a dude tied up at knife point, that's going to draw undue attention to ourselves.

Compared to a minivan. Yeah, but you... In what appears to be a land of dragons and wizards and men who shoot trees out of their fingers. Yeah, but you got like a bitchin' tint on this thing. You know what I mean? Thank you. I smile. I'm like, I'm pretty happy that he likes my tint. I give him a nod. I give him a bro nod. I'm like, I see what you're doing with your minivan.

Perhaps we could disguise the fact that we've got this man shackled up. Like maybe we could use some sort of deception or, you know, arrange some coats or blankets. You know what I have found is even more binding than rope.

It's a gentleman's agreement. I put my hand out. And I put my hand out to three. And I go, Daryl Wilson, I know we've already met, but if we untie you, you promise that you'll stay with us? Are you telling the truth when you make this promise? Yes, absolutely. That you basically won't hurt him? Yes. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I promise. Can I check if I believe that? That I won't hurt you? No.

No, that you'll bring us to where you said that because he's taking us to the Lance, right? Yeah. No. Yeah. I said you'll take us there. Yeah. No, totally. Gentlemen's agreement. Yeah. No, absolutely. Daryl Wilson's word is final. I never break it. Who's Daryl Wilson? That's me. Daryl Wilson. I put my hand out again. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. Three. Can we what do you guys say? I said we don't tie him into. Can I do like a detect bluff or something? Yes. So you would do a perception check. Oh, I'm going to roll as well. I'm staring into his eyes. I got a 13. Okay.

I got a natty one. I got a natty 20. Got a four. He's really honest. Okay, so only Glenn can tell that he is telling the truth that he will not hurt you or do anything untoward, but you get the very strong sense because of your nat 20 that that is a variable state of affairs that the second he, if he can find a way to turn this moment to his advantage or fuck you over, he will, but only when it becomes very obvious that the cards are going to turn in his favor anyway.

He's very scared of you, but if he finds a way to like very easily maneuver to a trap or something, I'll probably try to take it. He's also very intimidated. Okay. Um, okay. Knowing that, uh, there's gotta be a way to disguise that he needs to still lead us. There's four of us gentlemen. What were you afraid of? Here's what we're going to do guys.

We're going to surround him. I'm going to take off my Harley Davidson leather jacket. Cover the knife with it. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm going to point the knife, poke him in his back and cover it with the jacket and kind of make sure that he's feeling it. We're going to march him right down to where he said he was going to lead us. So is he disguised as goods? Like auction goods? No, he's just a friend walking with us. Oh, a friend. He's just my cold friend. The coat is over him and the knife is underneath the coat. Which is also over his red cloak.

Yes. Okay. Cold friends. I take my pocket knife out and I cut the rope and I also hand him that beer that he couldn't grab before I go gentlemen's agreement. Cheers. Cheers. I pop it open for him as a twist off. He takes a drink and he is healed back for the psychic damage that you inflicted upon him. How's that bad boy taste? It's fine. It's not the best I've had. Ha ha ha ha.

I'm very hurt by this. You take 1d6. I would like to take psychic damage, actually. Yeah, you take 1d6. Okay, it's a two. I suggest we venture forth, but...

maintain our caution for who knows what we shall find in these strange lands and really quick i'm gonna grab the rest of it from him so i'm gonna take a swig as well because i'm super low on health and i could use the hit i'm gonna heal back for four baby and i'm getting a little bit buzzed which to be fair for for glenn close right in the pocket baby okay how'd that how'd that taste there glenn loved it man see this is this is man there's beer

So did you hide the van? Yes. I would say that we started putting branches and stuff all around it. Really? In the middle of the town, huh? No, outside the town. You can see from a distance the people walking by hadn't seen you. So...

Three, leads you past a market where people are hurried. They're just yelling in languages you've never heard before that don't seem to be any earth languages. Some of them are speaking what is definitely English. But a lot of other people seem to be saying things that are just guttural noises and growls and stuff like that. You see creatures unlike any you've ever seen before, unless you've seen literally any fantasy movie ever.

This is some Lord of the Rings shit right here, y'all. So yes, at the end of this lane, sort of in its own cul-de-sac, is one house at the end of an alley. And three looks at you guys and says, this is the Lance's house. So I can go now? I'm good?

No, we're bartering you. Yeah. Remember? And what exactly is, who exactly is this Lance? He generally is known as one of the best cultivators of non-voluntary work in this part of the continent. You're using a lot of elitist language. Yeah, that's how I got to be number three.

So he lives in this Hans Christian Andersen house and he's a child abducting slave peddler. That's an extremely offensive way to put what my master does. Well, I have to say, sir, I am extremely offended that he's sold my children into slavery. Well, yeah, well, I agree to disagree, but I feel like they're probably more useful.

I think you're going to, no offense to you, but I feel like you're just going to stay with us. Amanda doesn't leave a job halfway done. That's what my father always told me. So I think you're going to come along with us and meet the Lance and help us out here. All right. You're the ones with the metal beast. So yeah, sure. Cool.

All right. What do you boys say? Say we should walk on in there? I think maybe we should use some stealth and cunning to scout out the situation. Are there any windows? Yes. So there are two windows in the front with curtains drawn in front of them. The alleyway seems to prevent you from going around either side of it, almost like it's just this like cork that's like in the fucking bottleneck. But you could try to get on the roof and see if there's a way in through there. There seems to be a chimney.

First, I'd like to sneak around and peer through one of the windows. Okay. So basically, the windows are closed, but they have latches on the inside and the outside, so you can try to unlatch it if you do a stealth check to do it quietly. So they're not glass, so like wood? Yeah. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, I'll go ahead and try to do a stealth check. Huzzah!

I get a 16. Ooh, okay. So you succeed, and you quietly open the window and part the curtain. And inside, you see that the house is actually a lot bigger than you thought. Not like a TARDIS, but it's just very long. Like, the alley probably went on for another, like...

40 yards or that's what it's like a football field. They're like 30, 40 feet. And his house is just this very long, almost like train car esque structure. There doesn't seem to be anybody in the front room. There's a hallway going down to a bunch of smaller rooms off to the side on either end, almost like a kind of looks like a prison cell. Hey, Henry, what do you see in there, buddy? I relay what our kind DM just told me to them. And I say, I don't see anyone in there. I think,

think rather than make our presence known, we should just go ahead and sneak on in and see what we can see. Perhaps our children are still in one of those. There's still sort of offshoot rooms. It seems like maybe quarters for purloined persons. I asked three because he mentioned that there was like a log, right? Some sort of log book that we were going for. Where would that log book be? I would almost certainly be in Lance's office. Where's that?

at the back. Gentlemen, why are we sneaking around here? I mean, we may disagree with Lance's business practices, but you know, this is, you of all people I feel like would have been accepting of other cultures, you know, and I feel like, I feel like we should go talk like a gentleman here and talk like a businessman. So I start walking towards the front door. I didn't do what you built,

Okay, I kind of let loose a little bit on Daryl here for a second. Okay. Henry Oaks' fragile temper cracks for a minute, and they say, listen up, you big alpha jock piece of shit bozo!

That's our fucking kids we're trying to get back, so fucking cool it with your fucking dick-swaggering nonsense. I'm not having none of it. We were going to be cool, and we were going to be calm, and we were going to fucking get our kids back, and then we can worry about your fucking, oh, my dad's words on our dick bullshit, mister. So fucking cool it. So roll stealth with disadvantage because you just yelled this after opening a window. I got a 12. You got to roll again and take the worst. Oh, shit. Well, that's not good.

What is that? 18. Oh, okay. So 12. Okay. So you don't notice any change. You hear the echo sort of go through the alley, and then it dissipates. Daryl Wilson stares at Henry and just shakes his head, and I knock on the door. I got three with me, by the way. Yes, three's right next to you. I go, Daryl Wilson here. Okay.

I knock on the door. Okay. So, Will, are you still looking through the window? Yes. And I'm praying and cursing Daryl's name. Is any of you going to attempt to stop Daryl from knocking? No. Physically? No.

uh i he i was really scared of him after i went on my tirade so i was just kind of waiting to see what he would do so i didn't get a chance to stop my reasoning here is i think one way or the other they're going to catch us and i feel like we're going to put ourselves in a better standing if it's like hey hello gentlemen you have our children we would prefer to have the back as opposed to being caught like trying to steal them so i knock as a straightforward gentleman that i am okay so before he does that are you saying you sneak in ron

I just opened the door. So you're knocking on an open door. You knock and then you open the door for him. I sit there waiting and the door just swings open. I look over and I see Ron opening the door. I go, that's not the purpose of knocking. I didn't think he'd already knocked. Okay, so it was going to be just Will that saw this first, but now the door is open. Everyone sees it. So they see a door at the very end of the hallway open up.

And a man who basically looks very tall and gaunt and human, but a bit sort of older, walk toward the door with a massive like crossbow that he's holding with both hands, just holding it in front of him. And he says, what the hell do you want? Hi, I'm Darrell Wilson. I think it's time for me to put my hand out.

You have five seconds to step back and let my son go. Oh, three here is not under any distress whatsoever. He actually led us over here. He said that he could help us with a little business arrangement. That being that you have our children and I pull my axe out. Jesus.

three immediately panics and starts running. Hold on. Remember, I have I have him. But I got him with a knife. You like he begins to run toward and you sort of pull and pull him back. I didn't like pull my ax out. Right. Like I just have my ax ready. No, no, you can't just take that back. You said you pulled the ax out. OK, careful with your words. You're holding the ax. Yes. I want to deescalate. OK, well, I say.

Three didn't tell me you look so much like Clint Eastwood. I've seen all of his movies several times. Gran Torino is excellent and not racist at all. Three looks at you and just, what? And then looks back at the Lance and says, they killed two and four. They want their kids that we sold. I told them that maybe you would show them the ledger, maybe. Is that a thing that makes sense? And the Lance closes his eyes for a second and lowers the crossbow.

And he says, well, I guess that makes you the new two. No, no, zero. And he raises the crossbow and fires it. And he fucking bullseyes three right in the fucking throat. Three!

Three falls to the ground, blood streaming from his throat. I look at him and go, that's nothing compared to what we did to the other two kids. Is my Harley Davidson jacket unhurt? Ooh, no, it definitely punctured through the back. Oh, man. There's a hole in it. Oh, man. Psychic damage. His crossbow seems to auto-reload. Oh, balls. He says, so just so you know, that's how I deal with people that do work for me. So if you've come to barter...

that that is the extent of my patience currently today. Oh, you really remind me of Clint Eastwood. LAUGHTER

To clarify, Will, are you at the window still? You know, no, I think I went in. I went in with the party. Okay, you went in with the party. Well, I thought the door was just open and we're standing outside. You're currently standing in the threshold. I'm going to have to step forward with my hands out. Are you guys in the house now? Yeah, I think we're like a step in. Okay, so you're a step in. I stepped in. I won't say what you guys did. So he says, here is the situation you currently find yourselves in. One of three things is about to happen. One, I'm going to call the rest of my family in here to kill you.

Two, we're going to come to some sort of agreement, which is more beneficial to me than it is to you because you've wasted my time, killed several of my children, and interrupted my dinner. Or three, you are going to leave, I will wait an hour, and then call the city watch to come after you and kill you. Those are your choices.

Can you repeat the choices? I'm very, I'm just, I gotta be honest. I'm very distracted by the fact that you just killed your son. Uh, so, so number one was we fight and you kill us. Yes. Number two was we make a bad deal with you. Yes. And number three was, uh, that we run away and you call the cops. Uh,

I'm just spitballing. Is there a chance that we could get a look at that ledger and find our kids? Is that still on the table? If you want a look at the ledger, I will permit you a look at the ledger.

What would that duo look like, Sir Lance? You would have to offer me something that I found impressive enough to put my business relationships in jeopardy because one generally does not state the outcome of a deal after it's been made. That's team huddle, team huddle. Dad huddle, dad huddle. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Henry Oaks having a brainwave. Okay. Like I said earlier, they don't know where we're from.

What if we roll this like a, like a, you guys don't, you don't know who you just fucked with. We're foreign emissaries from the kingdom of, of, uh, we're from West rock. West rock. We're from West rock. We're emissaries from West rock to came to the, what's the name of the town? Phandalin. We came to Phandalin. We were coming to Phandalin on a mission for our kingdom. And if he doesn't return our kids, it could be all out war in the kingdom of West rock. We'll, we'll slay his entire family and burn his business to the ground. Maybe something like that. Maybe I'm overplaying it. Our King St. Demas.

Saint Demas, King of West Rock. Sounds a lot like the West Rock HOA, but, you know, take it away, guys. And then maybe we could use that as a sort of intimidation way to advance our parlay, but maybe, and again, I'm just having another brainwave here, maybe we have an artifact from West Rock that is very valuable, that would be like a symbol that he could show when our army comes through, and then we would pass him over, and he would have a...

oh, we're a war party. We're scouts for a war party from West Rock. And if he has that symbol when our army comes in, someone else should do the persuading because I feel like I'm doing a bad job. But he'll be able to show it to them and then be a favored status when we conquer this land. I think I dig where you're going, man. I think I got this. Because I have pretty strong performance and persuasion. Yeah, so this would be a persuasion check. So what is the object?

I was going to suggest I do have a spare soccer jersey in my Jansport that has the doodler on the back. So we could be like, this is a uniform of our people. And when our army comes, you could use it for safety. I think your child, by the way, drew that. The doodler. Oh, yeah. Sparrow drew the doodler. No offense there, Henry, but that doodler looks like shit. Nobody's going to be terrified. I mean, do you see what just happened? He just...

freaking crossbow his kid through the face and that thing looks like a five-legged drawing. Okay, I feel like that's, you know, you're being pretty aggro on me right now. I know I kind of flew off the handle at you here, Daryl, but I just, I don't know why we got to bring my kid's drawing ability in.

into the conversation. You know what? I miss him terribly. Even I'm, I'm barely keeping it together right now. Just trying not to think about him. So, you know, a tear goes down my eye and I go, you're right. I'm sorry, man. It's been a tough day for both of us. I pat you on the back and I look over. I said, do you have a guitar with you, Glenn? I do. I got my Taylor, right. Or Fender or Gibson right here, man. I think, I think I like where Henry's going there. I think your music should be kind of, uh,

one of the gifts that we were going to bring to this new kingdom. Are we saying we're a war party? Are we saying that we're, cause I think a four person, Henry, I love where your brain's at. For a war party. Do you know what I mean? Like we're like, we're scouts. And I feel like I'm watching a non-canon episode of story break.

All right. Well, then I don't want to railroad. I tune up my guitar. I just I just don't feel like this is a music kind of guy where I just don't feel like this guy pumps a lot of tuneskis. I go. How did I turn? I puff my chest out and I stand up as tall as I possibly can. What's your what's your persuasion? My intimidation is plus one and my persuasion is minus one.

So my persuasion performance plus five. I think we should let him. Yeah. No, I, I, I snapped to, to Freddie. Who's going to start playing. I give you a wink, like play something fucking bad-ass. Uh, I start ripping into a blistering cover of, uh, uh, uh, of wonder wall. Uh,

Of Wonderwall. Yeah. Okay. And as I'm doing it, I'm basically, I'm telling him, look, man, I step forward in the group and I say, look, man, we're a bunch of traveling emissaries from the land of... I go, what are you doing? We were about to say we're a war party.

I've clearly not heard the... I hold and I'll put my mouth over Daryl's mouth. You put your mouth over Daryl's mouth? No, he can't take it back. You can't take it back. My eyes can't take it back. I silence his dumb ass with a kiss. I find something tingles deep down inside of me. And I feel love for the first time in a long time when he puts his mouth on mine. As Glenn holds his guitar, I turn to the other dads and I said, hey,

Hey, maybe, just maybe, he's going to be the one that saves us. Without missing a beat, I say, a group of peaceful, loving warriors from... He holds out a hand and says, it's clear you were trying to make something up right there.

I was going to hear you out, but then one of you kissed the other and sort of whatever you were about to say kind of stopped making a lot of sense. It was hot though, right? So we're just going to go ahead and get it down to brass tacks. I will give you a look at this book in exchange for, I don't know. What do you have? I grab his Nokia phone and load up Snake. Roll persuasion. 11. He looks at it. Just give it a shot, man.

How do I, what is this? So this is like, you're a snake, and you gotta use these little buttons here, and you gotta eat these fruit. Can I assist his persuasion? Is that like a thing? Yeah, if you can come up with an in-character way to back him up, then yeah, you can roll in it. In the land that we come from, this is the game of kings. Only the wisest and most cunning of people are successful at playing. You know, I don't even think you're smart enough to play snake. Okay, roll persuasion.

God, with the natural ones, come on! Ha ha ha!

So he looks at you and then looks back at Glenn and goes, so this is a baby game for babies? I was going to persuade, but he, Henry, I'm like, you know, Snake does suck. Snake's not a good game at all. Ron, you got any help here? Snakes are natural predators. We had to put down our purebred Dotson because he got bit by a snake. This is a game replicating that exact same experience.

It will make you so strong and powerful. It'll make me cry about my dots. Roll persuasion. 19. Oh, I guess he must have had it. So his name was Dottie. Yeah. So the crossbow lowers a little bit in his hands and he says a dachshund. What manner of beast is that?

It sure ain't a snake, partner. I chime in. It's a dog. Oh. It's a family member. He looks forlornly behind you, and you can see framed next to the door a picture of him, many people in red cloaks, and then a very large, very furry-looking dog that he is riding like fucking Falcor from Neverending Story. What's the pup's name there, pal? His name?

His name was One. I pull out my wallet. I pull out my wallet, and I open up to my pictures, and I look at the one of Carol really quick, and I sigh, and I flip it over, and I got a picture of me and Grant getting our puppy, Lincoln, and I hold it up to him. I go, this little buddy's Lincoln. That guy next to him, my son, his name's Grant. I've met him. Want to tell us where he is by any chance? Where is Lincoln? Lincoln.

Grant lost them. Your son lost Lincoln? Did. Your son sounds like an irresponsible sack of shit. To take such a creature of love and dignity and then lose it as one would a bobble? I...

He's that's why we're looking for him to punish him. I evoke rage. I'm right next to him, right? Yeah. I mean, he just he just called my son a piece of shit. I'm literally right next to him. All right. So what happens when you rage?

I mean, you can tell me. I'm going to axe this guy. We're just going to... He's basically seeing you get angry. All he's doing is seeing you get angry. Wait. I stop Daryl with another kiss. I can sense he's blowing it. And I take that kiss and I go...

Thank you, my number one. And I look at him. I look back. He's like, you're right. Grant is a piece of shit. And that's why I need him back so I can punish him correctly for losing Lincoln. Fair, fair. I will tell you where Grant is. Excellent. Only Grant, though.

Well, that's fine with me. Is that fine with you, number one? And I look at Henry. You know what would really punish Grant would be if we killed all of Grant's friends in front of him. All right, why don't you roll persuasion? That's pretty good. All right.

All right, what did I get? I got a 10 plus, tell me, 11. Sorry, he doesn't believe me. No! And I look at him, I go, I know it doesn't seem very persuasive, and then I slap Henry on the butt. I go, but seriously, in the same way that we murdered your two children and drank their blood, we will murder Grant's friends in front of him before we eat his skin. Just so you know, they weren't my birth children, but I'm not that upset. Oh, I know.

I wish they were, though. The blood would have been extra. Okay, okay, okay. That's kind of weird. Both of us are like, okay, all right, okay, okay. This one, Jesus. All right, all right. In exchange for a Nokia phone. So you did like Snake. It's pretty fun, right? I mean, it looks kind of neat, yeah. In exchange for the Nokia phone.

And a promise that you will kill Grant upon finding him. Well, his friends or him. No, just Grant. I didn't believe that you actually wanted to know about the friends. I will tell you where Grant is. I'm in. I mean, if you guys are. I put my, I cross my fingers. I put them behind my back. And I go, Daryl Wilson always keeps his word. My hand out to shake his hand. Make a dexterity check.

14. Okay. So as you put out your hand to shake it, he takes out a slip of paper from his robe, sort of puts it under your hand. And then before you can pull away, grabs your hand with the hand that has the paper in it. It drops the crossbow, takes out a dagger and cuts your hand and you bleed onto the paper. Take 1d4 of damage. Ooh.

Actually, just take one damage. Just take one. We only got 10 health. Yeah, it's only one damage. And you bleed onto the paper. The blood is absorbed within it. The blood begins to coagulate and swirl around, becoming like ink that begins to form a picture, and it forms a picture of Grant's face. And...

I'm trying to find the least morbid way of describing this, but it shows Grant's face with like very hollow looking eyes and a face of like agony. And he says, the pact is made. Your son will die when you meet him. Good. That's what we wanted. Yeah.

I squeeze Henry's hand because I can't speak. I'm doing everything I can to not hold back tears, and I'm just happy that he spoke, and I just hold his hand and I squeeze it. Should you fail to do so? Definitely won't. All of your lives.

Because I have treated you as a group. You seem to speak for them as the alpha. Yeah, absolutely. All of your lives will be forfeit, will end irreversibly. We know what that means. Okay. Just making sure. You may keep this receipt of the pack that we have made, and he hands you the picture. I take out my wallet, which is where I keep all my receipts. Alpha potized receipts.

And I look at it, and I fold it up, and I slip it in. It's just one of those freaky Harry Potter receipts where the thing is always moving. Yeah, exactly. He's like constantly kind of screaming in horror. As a businessman, I ask to expense it. So just very quietly from Daryl's wallet, we're just going to constantly hear just quiet screaming. Pretty much. It's like...

It's like Doppler effect, like screaming. It's like far away. Well, it's covered up. It's muffled by this wall. I have a question. Does...

If we meet Grant, like the rest of us. Don't ask him now. Does that still mean that Gray dies? Like, who does the spell apply to? If any of us meet Grant? The spell applies to you as a group. You have all entered into a group contract. If any one of you should meet Grant and not kill him within 24 hours of confirming that it is Grant. And just to clarify, like, I mean, because we're definitely going to do it. It's not just like that. Like, we have to kill. Like, is it the way I said, which was pretty violent? Yeah.

Like, is this like a horse? Like, you've played the game Horse. Like, is this just like shoot it from the spot where the other person did or like spin around, you know, corkscrews or shot. You got to do the same thing. I've played many games on horses. None of them involve corkscrews. I will say that because you said specifically that that is what you would do, that is what you have to do. Yikes. All right.

Okay. So what again did you say you would do? I think it was something about slowly letting him live a natural life over the course of another 60, 70, 80 years. I have forgotten what I said, but it doesn't matter because the contract remembers. It involves skin and eating. Yes, you were going to eat his skin. Oh, delightful. Yes. I'm like...

Yeah. So that's that's perfect. We have a look at that ledger. I did say I would show you the ledger. I did verbally say I would show you the ledger. Yeah. So he goes back into his room. He takes comes out with a big old book, opens it to the last most recent page, hefts it up and then shows you and puts his hand over the other names. And you can see I tried to I tried to like nudge his hand. All right. Do a dexterity check.

That's a 19. Ooh, okay. So here's how we're going to do this. I'm going to write down the information that you see. I'm going to flash it to you really quickly. I'm going to flash it back. I'm going to show it to you for exactly till the count till, till two Apple, one Apple, two Apple. I'm going to show it to you in my laptop and then I'm going to flash it back. All right. Uh, Henry is going to note that at the moment he is going to draw out his phone.

Ooh, okay. All right. When he sees Daryl making this play, he goes to take a picture of the list. Okay. All right. To try to get everyone's thing. So I'm going to stand behind Matt with my phone at the ready to try to get a photo of this. Okay.

So what's happening now is Anthony is preparing his service book. I have Matt and Will to my right. I'm incredibly impressed. Leaned in incredibly like intent. Will has his phone up. My child skin. All right. Okay. I'm going to give you a three count. I'm going to show it to you for two apple. Then I'm going to turn it back around. Okay? Okay. Three, two, one. One apple, two apple. Will, did you get the photo?

Okay, I'm going to pass around the photo that I got so that you guys can see how hard I nailed this information.

God damn it. For those playing at home, it is a blurry picture of what could be a laptop screen. Oh, we're posting this. Yeah. I go, oh, sorry, I slipped there and been drinking a little bit. Holy shit, that's the best you got? How the f- This is so bad. Anyways, where is, uh, sorry about that hand slip there. So where's, uh, Grant? You are headed to the dwarven colony of Meadowshade. Sounds kinda nice. So, uh,

What did you see there, Glenn? So I think I kind of fucked up because I saw that Glenn was in Meadowshade and I thought that was maybe my kid. You know, I got to admit, a little blurry in terms of the vision because I've been down in so many brewskis on the way in. So I can reconfirm that Grant is also in Meadowshade. I saw.

I saw a town named Rockport. Rockport? Rockport. And I think I saw, but now I'm wondering if I just saw Meadowshed because I thought I saw Watershed, but that might just be. Rockport. Sorry, boys. I did my best, but we got one more. We got Rockport for sure. Did you guys see anything? Ron, did you see anything? I was looking the other way. Okay.

Not on purpose. Thinking about your missing child made me think about my missing stepchild. I wistfully turned away. Thank you so much there, Lance. That's quite fair. I'm really excited to eat my child skin. I hope you enjoy that game of Snake.

Oh, I will. Yeah. As he's talking to the Lance, I'm going to do a sleight of hand to try to rip that page out of that book. Okay. What the fuck are you doing? Hey, man, it's my kids. It's our kids in there. If any of you have good sleight of hand and are sneaky dudes. Can I see what he's doing? Yeah. It depends on the quality of my sleight of hand roll. Actually, that's true. You roll first. Roll first. Okay. I have a plus two to sleight of hand.

Natural fucking 20. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Can I just say, the moment he's doing it, though, I kiss the lance. Oh, my God. What the fuck are you doing? This is how we do greetings in West Rock. I kiss him. I go, thank you, as I'm kissing him. Like a full lip. Yes. He doesn't notice at all. He's so busy getting deep tongued.

That the sound of Daryl's slobbering jaw overwhelms the sound of the paper getting ripped out of his ledger. And you can see that Lark and Sparrow are in Neverwinter, Nicholas is in Waterdeep, Terry Jr. is in Rockport, and Grant Wilson is in Meadowshade. I'm thinking about Henry when I kiss the lance. Oh!

All right. Hey, dads, do we think that Daryl's handshake or his kiss is more trustworthy? What is the truer? I explained to him hastily that this is the manner of greeting and of appreciation of our people. That much is obvious. I think he understood. Given purely how many times you've done it in these 70 seconds you've been in my home.

As we exit, we're leaving, right? We're leaving town, heading back to the car. I go, everybody, real quick, right before we get to the van, I just want to say, as a team effort out there, and Henry, I want to give you most improved...

I think he did a really great job. And if it wasn't for him, if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't know where our kids are. So let's give, uh, let's give Henry a little round of applause. Oh, thanks everybody. Uh, sorry. I introduced the kissing thing as something where we might have to maintain now as part of our cover. It's okay. I think as long as we don't meet the Lance again. Um,

You saw the list. Where are we going first, fellas? Well, I would imagine the next thing we should do is gather some intel in town about these different places so we know a little bit more about where we're going so we can make what we in the geology business call a rock-solid decision. All right. So everybody except for Will take one D4 psychosanus. Jesus Christ, I can't believe this. Will gets 100 XP.

There was a time

Dungeons and Daddies consists of Anthony Birch, Matt Arnold, Will Campos, Beth May, and myself, Freddie Wong. Theme song by Maxton Waller. You can follow us on Twitter at Dungeons and Dads. And our Facebook group is at bit.ly slash Dungeon Dads.

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