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Hey folks, Freddie here. You're about to hear the Portland live show from our Door Dice 2023 live tour. Heads up, there are very light season one spoilers in there too in case you haven't finished season one. We'll be getting back to season two shortly. This past month we had some unanticipated health issues amongst the cast. Everyone's feeling better though so forgive us as we get back into the swing of things. Speaking of live shows, we're in the planning stages of a Midwest slash East Coast live tour as we speak this year so stay tuned for that. Those updates will be on our website dungeonsanddags.com but you'll hear about it first on our Patreon at
Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. And finally, if you were affected by the merch snafu around Black Friday last year, keep an eye out on your inbox. We're going to have an update for you there very soon. So sit back and enjoy the chaos of the Portland live show. This one I think was the rowdiest one because of the venue. It made everyone so loud. Enjoy! Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. And this is a live show. So who knows what's going to happen? We'll kill!
Anthony, Anthony, this crowd is horny. Oh no. I smell perverts. The police are on their way. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies Live!
In case you don't know, this is a show about four dads. Four dads? Oh, you were just waving. There's four of us. Four dads! Waving to the people up top! Hi, everybody! Hey, balcony! Hey, hey! This is a show about four dads. Our world. Flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons! We'll do it in season one. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. I guess I got a dad fact. Glenn's dad fact today. Glenn has been...
In one... Well, he's been a bunch. But in Oregon, one fist fight. The fist fight was... So Glenn rides the tour van. As you may know from season one, he does a biodiesel tour van. He had to fight off the gas station attendant because if he put...
Then vegetable oil in there. It was not going to work. And he spent 20 minutes outside of a Chinese restaurant being like, where's the guy who's going to bring my oil into my... I thought they pumped it for you here in Oregon. What the hell? Cultural specificity. That's what I specialize in. Well, you know that. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson. Woo! Yeah!
Gotta hydrate! Little fact, similar to, I guess, Freddie, you got me on this one. I was gonna say, Darryl's favorite place, they do a lot of road trips in the Wilson family, and his favorite place to drive is Oregon because there's nothing, there's nothing Darryl loves more than talking to an expert. So every time he stops at a gas station, he gets to talk to the experts that are filling up the gasoline. Every gas station stop takes an extra 20 minutes as he just enjoys learning from those fine folks.
Hi everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play Henry Oak. Thank you, my goodness. Henry's a Birkenstock, rockin' hippie, munchie, crunchy natured druid dad. And sometimes the hottest MC this side of the Mississippi, baby! Oh boy. Sorry, let me caveat that. The hottest edutainment MC. So, I'm sorry to say this, Portland, but Henry may be a vegan, but he's got beef. Portland. Portland.
Specifically, the Portland Museum of Arboreal History. And those arboreal experts who are always talking about redwoods and lording it over the geologists. Like, look at our beautiful forest. He's like, rocks are a fucking, like, rocks outdate trees by so long? All you guys got up here is trees? What are those trees planted on top of rocks? There's a, Henry's cooking up an arboreal diss track called Trees All Bark No Bite.
I like that. I'm Beth May and I play Ron. Oh my goodness. I didn't get that about Ron tonight. Really wholesome fact, I think actually. So Ron's wife, Samantha, used to tell Ron
Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you're broken. And I know it's really sweet. But she had to stop telling him that ever since he kept driving with the Czech oil light on. Well, just because it's not perfect doesn't mean I can't drive in another car. Love it. Woo! My name's Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Woo!
My dad facts for today is that yesterday we were in Seattle, Washington Today we're here in the best city the entire Pacific Northwest Unless you're from Seattle which case that's the best So tonight we're gonna have some fun
We share some laughs, have a good time. We are going to play a little bit of what we would consider, but not many others would consider Dungeons & Dragons. And we're not just gonna play some pre-baked boring thing that we came up with. We know exactly what we're gonna do in Portland. We plan things ahead. I'm Matt Mercer. Don't start beef that we can't win. Our DM is writing checks that we don't get to cash. We can't cash those, bro.
What we have before us are six different modules that I've prepared. What I have here is a big inflatable dice. So the way that this is going to work is shortly I'm going to ask each of our daddies to talk about what module they have in front of them. Then I'm going to toss the dice onto this side of the auditorium. If you would... I mean, the whole side, not just you. Not just for you. Yeah, it's everybody. You have to pass the dice along. You are single-handedly keeping Portland weird. Ha ha ha!
So what I'm gonna ask is that this area of the auditorium you pass it all the way back and you pass it all the way back there to this area the auditorium and you pass it all the way to the front and you pass it all the way there all the way to the back and then right back up here onto the stage and whatever it lands on that's the module we do tonight so they don't know I don't know what we're doing tonight and that will be very obvious once we start. So Beth which if we roll a one what are we gonna play? We're gonna play Daddy Babies. Don't like that.
Little scared of that one. What if we roll a two, Freddie? A two, we play My Daddy, My Daddy and Me. I hate that. Anthony, what are you doing? If we roll a three, we're gonna play something called Dread. I like that. If we roll a four, we're gonna play something called Blood in the Water. What if we play a five? Oh, it's beefy right here. UFC.
What if we roll a six? Number six will be playing the worst one-shot possible. What could it be? All right, without further ado, please don't pop this. Please be cool. Don't pop it. We have one. We got one. And then otherwise we're going to have to toss a normal D6 into the crowd next minute. Not as fun. Don't hurt each other! No, back, back, back! Throw it back, throw it back! Apologies, Balcony. This is so fun, what they're doing, and I'm sorry you can't be a part of it.
Guys, all ticket sales for tonight do go to the McElroy's.
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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Hem. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds of stuff.
So we find ourselves
In season one, you don't have your kids yet, but you do have your blood painted and vetted. What the fuck? And you get a call. You get a call on a leaf. Who would like to answer the call? Oh, I love leaves. I'll take that. I'll answer the call! Huh? I'll answer the call. Ron, do you want to take the call, Ron? Hey Henry, you're my assistant, so could you get that for me and then tell them I'm not? Ron's leaf, this is Henry.
Hey, Henry, this is Hardball Cough Drop. Oh! Oh, you're on a leaf! I thought I could have sworn this would be Aaron O'Neill. But you can't really see who's calling on these things. Is Aaron okay? Aaron's fine. I just know that this is what you guys answer, so I decided to call you. I am in a slight hostage situation. Oh, no! You need a team to extract you? I would love it. I would love it if you could maybe come and extract me just a moment.
Tell her I got a real important lunch. I'll see if I have, Ron. Hold on one second. It's Harper. She said I asked the situation. You want to take the call? Okay, babe. Let's see. I got a real important lunch. It's a lean cuisine. There's a real important person here that I'm having lunch with. It's myself. Okay. Yeah, we'll be right there, Harpo. Where are you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, go ahead.
Henry, establish if Hardball is in duress. Use duress codes. I think she's in duress. She's in a hostage situation. Holy shit, it's getting worse. Are you in duress? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said. I'm sorry. Where are you? I could have called so many other people. I could have called the critical role crew. No, no, no, no. No, I need people who are... Never mind, never mind. Never mind.
Available, let's start with that. You can't cut that, it's live. Till I'll push my lunch, call that a dinner, and I'll help out. Ron says he can meet you for drinks? Is that... We're coming. I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm not going to indulge you with this anymore. We're at my BDSM dungeon, just find me there. Oh.
Wait, you're in hostage... Wait. You're hostage in your own dungeon? Yeah, in your own dungeon? Yeah, a guy came in with a scroll of disintegration and he's holding me and all my clients hostage. Hardball, can I ask you a real question? Hey, this is Daryl. Yeah, hey, Daryl. What's up? Just, this might be a silly question, but I was like... Mr. Prostate, what's up? Oh, okay, well... What? Mr. Prostate, that was when you came to my place. You used a prostate beside me. I remember vividly. Do you...
I just, is this, I don't, I just don't want to wait, we got a lot going on, I don't want to waste our time. Like, is this really a hostage situation, or is this a hostage, like, are you enjoying this call right now? I'm not judging, I just want to know, we just got, we are busy, like Ron said. We will show up either way, we will figure this out. Firstly, firstly, I'm in real danger. Secondly, it's always a pleasure when I hear your voice, Darren. Okay, well...
I appreciate that, but um, okay, well, I mean, yeah, you're right. I guess either way, that's up to you. I roll Sense Motive to deduce whether this is... Yes, roll Insights. Sense Motive is once again not a thing. It wasn't 3.5! There was a thing called Sense Motive in 3.5! 3.5 fans in the house! A couple of them. What did you roll? You said that. Who booed 3.5? The Lord System. Watch, you know I'm gonna make you play fourth.
I rolled a seven. You rolled a seven, so you have no idea whether she saw me or not. Oh, I rolled a, um, I rolled something good, though. I rolled a, uh, 16 plus, uh, 10. So that's a 26. Henry's very perceptive. A 26, you can tell two things. One, that she is in danger. Two, she is aroused. All right. Looks like we're gonna have to S-W-A-T this BDSM ASAP. W-A-T.
Ron, just, you can... Ron? Ron? Yeah? Hey, I'm on a very important lunch. Ron, do you know what he spelled out? Uh, VIP. Oh, okay. Alright, hang tight. We'll be right there. And I hang up the leaf. Hey, Peyton, buddy? Yeah, what's up, baby? So remember that place we went to a while ago? I do. Okay, well, I feel like you've matured a lot since then. I have. I made in this many now.
Just never mind. Okay, just stay close to us. Okay. Do not go into any room without us. Not a problem, not a problem, man. All right, bud. My main man. And hey, if there's anything there you don't understand, you feel free to ask me as well. I'm sorry, I can't get over going to a bar and being like, I'm this many, so I can't ask you about it. And a half. I wouldn't be half the father I was if I didn't learn from my sons. All right. Yeah, that's right.
So, you head to Hardball Cough Drop's BDSM dungeon, and you can see that in the lobby, where you would normally see just a bunch of people sitting around waiting for their turn to go into one of the many different palaces of delights that lay within. Is this like a waiting room? Yeah, it's a waiting room. It's a fantasy waiting room.
There's a unicorn as a receptionist. They still have it like that. It's still goofus and gallant, though, you know what I'm saying? It's exactly the highlights that we have in Earth. I come up next to a guy with a ball gag in his mouth, I'm like, so what are you in for? Sorry, I'm gonna cum.
I push Peyton behind me. What? He's already here. What do you mean? How does he come? He's here already. Oh, you're right. You're right, Peyton. You're right. You're right. But instead of seeing all that, you see a very haggard-looking person who is in their own way deeply attractive, but in other ways, a little bit unhinged. And their name is... Say stop. You. You have your hand up. Rachel. And she's wearing a big name tag that says... What are your pronouns? They are wearing a big name tag that says... Rachel.
And in their other hand, they are holding a scroll of disintegration. Oh! Disintegration, if you remember being the spell that killed Doug the Intern. It's very very brutal. Fifth edition. Calm down. It's just an intern. He's an intern. A dime a dozen. Guys, don't kink shame.
And you see before Rachel, you see hardball, cough drop, bound and gagged. Well, not gagged, but bound. She needs to talk, so she's bound, but not gagged. And then nine other nameless... Actually, what's your name? You. I'm pointing at you. No, yes, you. The rest of them are all named Greg. Greg. Greg.
The Greggs. Rachel and- There's a Gregg convention and they're like- Yeah, it'll be a great outing afterwards, you know? They had a very specific kink that involves all of them meeting up in one space. Okay. The Gregg-off. The great Greggish Gregg-off. And Rachel- Oh, well. A lot of soggy bottoms at the Gregg-off. Nice. And Rachel goes, "You keep your distance. You keep your distance." Whoa. One false move and all these people get disintegrated. I'm gonna line them up in a row and I'm gonna disintegrate them all at once.
"Man, we're just here to get our rocks." So you don't need to cause any problem. We're here to help if there's... What's going on? Roll deception for getting your rocks off. That's a 12. That should come naturally to you as a Catholic though, right? What? No, that's a 12 minus one because he's Catholic. So Rachel sits there and goes, "That's a Catholic if I've ever seen one."
Whatever you want is so deep down and repressed, there's no way you would come to a place like this to have it done. What are you really doing here? I step forward and say, "Hail and well met, friend. I am Henry Oak, friend of the trees. Well, most trees, not some trees in Portland. But you don't need to know about that. I'm here with my friends and it seems there's a duressful, stressful situation going on and we're just,
We're the hostage negotiators. We're here to mediate. We're just here to, well, what do you need? And I will remind you that we're not experts and our advice should never be followed. Speak for yourself, Henry. Rachel does incidentally say, I do need some advice. Okay. That's what we're here for. We love guys to women. And everybody else. Daryl pulls a chair and turns it backwards.
Yeah, do it, do it. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness gracious. Rachel, Rachel, you got four of the best dads in the entire kingdom. Speak for yourself, we're here to negotiate. What are your demands? We got three of the best dads and our friend hostage negotiator here. Glenn's also trying to be like kind of casual to establish rapport. Oh, very good. So Glenn, why don't you roll persuasion? Rapport?
Persuasion. Persuasion. Persuasion. What room did this person walk into? The wrong room. Persuasion, I'm looking at... So, real quick, I de-leveled for the live shows. Persuasion's looking at a plus 14. One! Oh, no! One of the Gregs is vaporized! No! Careful, guys. They mean business. Oftentimes, they'll kill a hostage to establish... Glenn! What, what, what? Just be a dad for a sec.
They didn't say they needed any dad advice, they just needed a buddy. What can we help you with? Because my demands are as follows. Alright, someone take notes. So I have this friend. Oh, okay. And I have feelings for them. What's that like, Anthony? Whoa! Beth doesn't have friends, I have friends. Well, yeah, no, I was saying that about Anthony having friends, not having feelings, so yeah. Oh, okay, okay. I don't know about either of those things, so...
Really quick, do you mind? I know this is fun, but this chair is really wide. The chair is really what? You live with your choices, Matt. Daryl is still in that position. I've got this friend and I've got feelings for them. Hey, man, really quick. Daryl here. Do you mind if I... This chair is really wide. Do you mind if I... I'm paying attention. I just want you to know. Yes, you can do it. I've got this friend. I've got feelings for them. We hooked up once. I copied what they did. What does that mean?
- Have you ever been fishing? - Yeah. - Oh, okay, you went fishing. - Yeah, we went fishing and then he railed me. - Hey, Payton, you said if I didn't know anything, you'd tell me. - I think what she's saying is, I think they built a train set together. - All right, so a best friend. - If our ball goes, that's not what a train is. - Best friends. - They're best friends, I think. - Yeah, okay. - I got feelings for them, they don't have feelings for me. They're very sensitive to rejection.
They just broke my heart and I just need somebody to make them fall in love with me This is a place of love and sex and all that kind of stuff So I thought that maybe you could make them fall in love with me So so just do that and I won't have to disintegrate another Greg Rachel it sounds like maybe the problem is that you're not in love with yourself roll persuasion with disadvantage So the first roll was a two two more Greg's die
Ma'am, ma'am! Sub-sever-gre-grannis! Ma'am, no, no, please, please, take a moment. Just, what's your friend's name, and maybe we can help. My friend's name is... You just raised your hand, you in the front. My friend's name is Syminthea.
What a twist! What a twist. So maybe a comma, David. His first name's David. My first name is David. Oh, okay. Well, thanks. That's a weird way to introduce them. Do you mind if we... Can we do a quick... Where we work best together? As a team. As a team. Yeah, bring it in. Let's bring it in. Yeah, bring it in. We're going to do a quick dab. Yeah, you can have a dab, whatever that is. Yes, go ahead. Puck Hopper's like, ooh, what am I about to see? Daryl, what do you think? What's the play? I hate to be the one to say this, but, like, we should just kill him.
Daryl, Daryl. I'm just saying they just killed three people in front of us and they want the person to love them? That's psychotic. Yeah, I'm a little worried about David Cementia. I know they play trains together, but like that's not enough. That doesn't mean he loves somebody. Daryl, this is a person in emotional distress, man. Oh, so we should lie to them. First, and then when their guard is down, the killing stroke. Exactly, we're on the same page.
I feel like maybe David Sementhea could maybe be, you know, like someone who could help talk their, talk them out of this. Do you know what I mean? Oh, that's good. Do you know what I mean? It could blow up though. Huh? That could go real wrong. Well, I think we should establish connection with David Sementhea. Okay. Well, yeah, we got to hear that. That's right. We become the person that they fall in love with. I'm, well, I don't follow. Is your plan once again to switch clothes with somebody and convince them that you are that person?
Beating, I told you, you wreck my game every time, man. Um, can we, uh, so, Rachel? Yes. Hi. Uh, first of all, can we get you anything? I know in the movies they always, like, send in pizza. Sometimes, like, a little robot brings the pizza in. No.
I'll take a pizza robot, sure. Actually now I really want a pizza robot and if you can't bring a pizza robot, two more Gregs are gonna die. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Aaron! Aaron! Aaron! Oh, um, uh, okay, okay, okay. First of all, first of all, first of all, first of all, first of all, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. I cast Polymorph on Ron! You cast what, sorry? I cast Polymorph on Ron. Okay. And I turn Ron... You turn into a little mouse. Let me cook! I know what I'm doing! Where are you going? And I, I quickly, I cast about for a box.
Are you gonna- roll an investigation. I- I- okay, um, um, um, um, okay, that's an 11 plus, uh, investigation, what's investigation? Plus a zero, an 11. What about your perception? What about perception? Perception's 10, it's really high. Oh, great. Do I perceive a box? You perceive a box. Okay, so I'm gonna put a box over Ron. This is all not in front of the- in front of Rachel. I put a box over- Roll. Roll stealth. Roll stealth. Three! Oh no!
This is the always funny kind of distraction to- I told you you can't put Ron in a- Just- Just let me cook, let me cook. This is gonna work, I'm doing something! You can try, but she's gonna watch you do it. Okay, alright, so I put a box on Ron, and um, uh, uh, uh, I'm going to like, find like, I wanna find like a tube?
I'm trying to, I find like a, like a, like a wand. Is there a wand? - Yeah, there's a, oh, there's a wand. - I find a wand and I stick in the front to give it kind of like a nozzle, right? So it looks more robot-y. - Yes, the box is vibrating. - And then I, and then I, I, I, I, I scratch onto the side, cheese or petrol? Got him!
- Anthony, hey buddy, you gotta go back on stage. - That's pretty low blow for him. - You gotta. - That's real low, man. - I know this is hard, buddy, but you gotta be strong and you gotta go back on stage. - I'm not sorry for what I've done. - I can't do this again. - I believe in you and you got this. - Is it on? - No, don't cry, don't cry. It's gonna be okay. All right, let's just go on. Oh my God, that guy is so fucked.
Oh, I gotta go. Oh, the mic was hot the whole time. Okay. So, I tell Ron to go find a pizza by detecting cheese. Okay, because you were mouse, I would say you get advantage on that, so why don't you roll perception with advantage, Ronald? Dice, let's see. One of them's gotta have 20 sides on it. That is a... And I'm rolling perception? You're rolling perception with advantage, so you get to roll twice and take the better of the cheese. Oh my god, I get to roll twice. Oh, that reminds me.
Oh, that's right. We have a special rule. Tonight, we have a special rule. We have a special rule every night, but tonight it's even more special because it's about you. If at any point somebody makes a rule that you don't like, somebody said, boo, go fuck yourself. If at any point you would like somebody to roll again with advantage, then this is what you're going to do as a group, as a hive mind. You are going to go, inspiration, inspiration. You fucked up on those reflexes, my dude. I would love to.
You find in one of the rooms that is marked pizza fetish. Ah, yes. Daryl's already in there. Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, my friends. Yeah. You find four turtles dead of pleasure. And you find the most delectable, delicious pizza. The fucking all dogs go to heaven pizza with the cheese. The most incredible pizza you have ever seen in your life.
What would you like to do now? So, okay, so out of character, we've got Rachel, who is doing what? Rachel is currently... Killing Greg's left and right. Killing Greg's... There are seven Greg's remaining and a hardball cough drop. There are six Greg's remaining and a hardball cough drop. And she is holding them hostage. They are holding them hostage until they can get their ex, or their friend, David Cementhia, to fall in love with them. And they want a pizza. And they want a pizza. And right now they want a robot delivering them pizzas.
Because of us. Standard hostage negotiation stuff, Ron. This is 101. And I'm a mouse. You're a mouse in a box and you got a pizza on top of you. That's your motivation. Ron, you just gotta bring them the pizza and just say beep, beep, beep. So, I'm gonna bring them the pizza and go beep, beep. And, um...
Should I roll for that? Yes, you are going to roll deception with advantage because the pizza itself is so enticing. That's a 13. And did you say disadvantage? No, advantage. That's a 12, so that's less than 13. What is your deception modifier? Plus 3. Rachel takes it.
Sniffs it a little bit, eats it, and a little bit of bliss begins to cross her face, and the secret HP of "I'm tracking to determine whether or not she is sort of on your side and is willing to give up the hostages" has diminished a little bit, so you've made some progress. Cool, eat more!
All right, world, we're doing good. We're doing... How's that pizza treating you? It's okay. I'm lactose intolerant, so I can have one piece. I'm going to pay for it later. But it's good. It's vegan. Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak. Look, I'm vegan. There's no such thing as a natural 20 vegan beef. What?
All right, all right. Well, we're real happy that you're happy about the pizza. We'd like to, you know, if we're going to help you with David Cementhia, we need to like, you know, maybe hit them up a little bit. Do you know what their leaf is? Yeah, let me give you their deeds. And she takes out a leaf and tosses at you, and it is a direct connection to David Cementhia. Okay, I, all right, I'm going in, boys. Oh, okay. You up? I say, hey, is this David? David?
Hey David, um... You reached David? Oh. Hey David, um... We were, uh... So we're, um... You know Rachel, right? Oh, no. Oh, David, we have a bit of a situation here. We got six Dougs, and we got... They're Craig's. Craig's got... It's okay, it's not our fault.
I know it haunts you. It haunts me. We got six Griggs here, and their lives are in your hands, and you gotta help us. What can you tell us about Rachel? Well, I can tell you that I railed him. Yeah. Right, you played trains, yeah. Yeah, we played trains. We played trains.
We went fishing, we built a train and I railed them on the train. So you put a train in the train. Okay, cool. And I just kind of just think of them as a friend more than a long-term partner. It's not something I'm particularly interested in pursuing. Okay, that's fair. That's very fair. What are you for in a long-term partner? Somebody who's good with, like, business. Oh, no. Oh, no.
This is good, this is good. Are you the married man? Ron stay strong bud. I'm- I'm kinda the married man, yeah. Frankly, frankly I'm inclined to hang up on you and not help but the thought of being next to a married man with a business degree fills me with all kinds of untoward feelings. Just pretend Ron, it's okay. Just pretend what?
Pretend what? We're on speaker leaf, come on, what are you doing? Well, you're lucky because you got four married men. Hey, no way, man, I'm free. We got three married men and our best friend. Who also plays trains. What is a wife or a spouse but a best friend? Yeah.
Okay, so are we... So are we gonna... Am I gonna be able to hit on you or not? Are you gonna seduce? Oh, yeah, you can. David, can I give... We can close. You sound like a straight shooter. Straight I am not! Look. Do you think... I got two options for you, bud. Just two? Well, we'll start with two and then see how it goes. All right! You can either...
You can either tell us something about Rachel that would make us all feel morally okay with killing them. What? Like, is she a murderer? Like, are they a murderer or something? Bianca's... Do you think you could pretend to love them just long enough for us to save eight hostages? Six hostages. Seven. Don't forget about Harbaugh. Rachel's killing Harbaugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seven. Why don't you roll persuasion? Anybody want to help me? I think this would be the time to maybe help. Come on.
Roll again! I'm gonna, um... I'm also gonna cast Guidance on Daryl, which gives him like a plus something. I think that means you have to... I think that... Will, I do think that means you need to hold his hand as he rolls that dice. No, no, no! The dice hand! Daryl, take the wheel! Hmm... Well, uh... What's your bonus? You only got it once! What is it, uh... What is it, Matt? Well, what skill check was this? This is Persuasion.
We'll uh... What do you give me plus? I think like two? One down to 1d4. Oh, 1d4. Roll 1d4. Okay. We'll uh... We'll uh... We'll uh... 10 do it? The only way I feel comfortable coming down there and dealing with Rachel is if I get to go with businessmen. Done! Oh, okay. Good. Yeah. Oh, absolutely! You got it. Hey, hostage negotiation is really easy. You just say what they want and you give it to them.
Yeah, I can give it to them. Yeah. Okay, so he goes, I'll meet you at a place that you're choosing for our date. Where are you going to take me on a date? That's what you have to role play now. Have you ever been to a local establishment called Applebee's? Applebee's. And then, Austin, would you mind going on hold for a moment while I call my wife? No problem. I'm just going to treasure that.
I'd love to be the bull. Beep, beep, beep. Robot impression. Sorry, Ron, why are you making beep, beep, beep noises in your head? I'm holding your phone. So I have to make all these that a phone would make. All right. I'm calling my wife. Hey, Samantha. Okay, so I have a proposition for you.
A gentleman's agreement. A gentleman's agreement, if you will, even though you're not a gentleman. I'm not a gentleman, hon. But if you would be great. Ronnie, is there something I need to know? If you knew that lives were at stake, would you let me go on a date with someone named Rachel? I know it's a relatively common name.
No, Dave, David, David, David. Rachel's the hostage taker, David's the... Yes, sorry, sorry, sorry. Rachel, too common. But a common name would be desirable. Something like Dave or David. So yeah, if I went on a date with somebody named David, but to save lives, wouldn't that be... Why don't you roll persuasion?
I hate to think that my relationship with my wife depends on a role. Yeah, especially since that's a five, yeah. Plus three, plus three, plus three. You wasted it. You wasted it. Sorry. I don't think it was wasted. I think it was a good idea, everybody. Like, you know, don't beat yourself up. And look, it got us into this hilarious situation, ultimately. It's a good thing you think. Okay, let me pivot here. Well, I just don't... If it had been somebody named Rachel, I think I would have been...
That's true. That's true. Um, I- It's okay. I got a plan B. I got a plan B. Okay, so apparently there's a- But not, um, for you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey! Honey! No, you're my- You gotta ask me for permission before you get into the plan B scenario. No, yeah, you're my plan. My North Star. My- my dreidel that spins on every good roll and gets all the gold candy.
You are my everything. So of course there's no plan B, but I'm gonna confer with my dad, friends. - It's okay, look, look. Ron, I don't want you to like, I don't want you to break your wife's heart. Why don't one of us will just pretend to be you? And then we'll go on the date. - And we'll meet your business expertise in our ear. - You whisper your business acumen into our ear and you could be like a waiter on the date.
And you can give, you know, one of us advice. And then we'll, we'll, now, and the play is getting a little complicated, but then one of, we'll hit it off. Go on. With, with, with David. And then David will help us. Kill Rachel. Yeah, exactly. And as a master of seduction and persuasion, I think I'm the man uniquely suited for the job. Put me in the undercover, coach.
Nice. Okay, Samantha, so the thing I need to tell you is I'm pursuing a new field, the service industry. It'll be an adventure full of polite people who always treat me well. I just can't wait for all the benefits of this new job. Okay, honey, I mean, as long as you're feeling optimistic about it, I support you in all of your endeavors. Love you, babe. I love you.
It's been a great crowd. No, it's not really the end. It's not really the end. Imagine if that's how you signed off on all your calls. The end. That's how I end all my calls, yeah. Planning for your next trip?
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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code daddies. All right, so I guess we, do we go to Applebee's to try to get Applebee's? Oh my God, I'm so excited. Yes, yes. You go to Applebee's, which is a very, very large Applegrove that is, you see immediately there is a man-sized bee who's standing in front of us. Is it the Nasinex bee? Sorry? The Nasinex. You know when Antonio Banderas used the Nasinex bee in those ads? You guys remember, right? Yeah.
A lot of naso heads out here. People love that bee, man. Yeah. The naso next bee. The very sexy bee calls to you and he says, stand by the party of two. Hold on, I'm in, right? Wait, who's in? I'm in with a earpiece. We do need Ron to be the waiter. Yeah, Ron's the waiter. But how are you going to get Ron in? Oh, now it's like a heist. He's probably more Ron into a bee. I were stealthy or something.
Ooh, yeah. That's better. Do that. Let's see here. Is there anybody wearing a shirt that looks like a thing of chicken tenders? A shirt that looks like a thing? A shirt that looks like a thing of chicken tenders? Yeah, like a thing of chicken tenders.
Are you asking if one of the bees is wearing a t-shirt that has like chicken tenders printed? No, one of the servers or something. Somebody I could switch clothes with that maybe like their clothes. Oh, you want to... Are the servers humans? Yeah, turn me into a bee. Turn me into a bee. The servers are all bees. I turn Rana into a bee. Okay. Oh, don't trust the bee in a print 23 in my room. All right, so you're now a bee. That wasn't in the script, bet. So you are now a bee. You are not a waiter. You're just sort of a bee hanging outside. I thought you said all the servers were bees.
Yeah, but like, if you're a human now, you can't just be like, I'm gonna go to this McDonald's and now I work there because I'm a human. Not with that attitude. Are they wearing, like, what are they wearing? They are wearing red vests with a bunch of flare on them. Oh, I know how to do it. Let's drag a bee out, beat the shit out of it. Yeah, yeah,
I'm trying to win the game! Just do the hitman thing where you wait for someone to take a smoke break and you're hiding in a dumpster and you go, ugh. I get a bunch of flowers that cover myself in honey and I seductively dance outside the restaurant hoping that one of the waiters will be with the waiters. Roll performance.
Wait, no. Oh, that's an 11. I mean, that's a six. So Daryl just starts eating the honey off of himself. But it's delicious. But that would attract bees, though. It would attract them, and then they see that it's Daryl just licking himself. They go, you know what? I could get honey at the store. It would be much easier if we just killed him. Ron looks over at the flower next to him and is like, yeah, this bee.
This pile of honey is making me really uncomfortable. Could somebody like a big strong like server, oh wait, but not too strong come out? So the bees, hear a bee saying, can somebody kick out? This pile of honey? Oh my god, he's making me uncomfortable. He's licking himself. Ew. Alright, roll deception. That's a d12. Five more Gregs have died while all this has been happening. Many Gregs died to bring you this podcast.
Um, that's gonna be a 12. Alright, so with a 12, one bee comes out and goes, oh, another honey pervert. I beat him up! Alright, go ahead. I beat him up! Roll stealth to see if you can beat him up silently without the other bees at Applebee's hearing. Oh, can I give a help on this one? Can I give a help? Can I give a help on this one where we flashback to some scene where like, uh, like what? I don't need a help. A help. Where, where? What'd you get? What'd you get? I mean, because I have a plus.
I want to hear what you were gonna do anyway. I was just gonna teach Ron Krav Maga. Glenn's like, alright, here's the secret. You must block and strike at the same time. Ah, like the stock market. Uh, sure, yeah. So that's a 12 plus 11. Okay, 23, yeah, you're gonna very quietly take out this B. Non-lethally, I assume?
But that's the thing in movies, when you get bumped on the head, that's bad. Yeah, exactly. We talked about this before, where it's like, if you're out for even a few seconds, that's very bad. You should go to the ER. But no, this is a comedy podcast here, and so we're back in the scene. I do... Yes, Ron beats him up, selfly, non-lethally, and because it's fiction, he is unconscious for a long, long period of time. LAUGHTER
With no ill effect. Alright, now you are dressed as a waiter. You are perfectly, your plan so far is going off perfectly. Ron, are you in place? I come in via like, you know, Leaf intercom. Ron, are you in place? Copy, should we have like code names? Bald Eagle, in position. Oh, Bald Eagle, just because I don't have hair? No, no, no, sorry, Ron, we went over this. I'm Bald Eagle. That makes me feel bad. No, no, it's me, it's me, I'm Bald Eagle, you get to pick your own call sign.
What was the one you wanted again? Schnauzer. Schnauzer. Schnauzer won. Are you in position? Yes. Roger. I mean, buzz buzz. Roger. Operation is a go. We are green light. We are green light to move. Copy that. Team two, also B boys. I've turned both Daryl and I into Bs. Oh.
We're like a little bee band. The Beezy Boys. So David's there going, where's my human man that I was wanting to date? All I see are bees. That would be me. Let me bring you to your date. And I put my little wing out. And I'm going to guide David to the date. And then down the hall at the end of the bar. Is there a bar there? Well, I whisper to him. I say, this man here. It's Applebee's. There's a bar. This man you've come to date is quite the special customer. He asked us to personally lead you to the table. Okay.
Okay, yeah. Go ahead and lead me to the table guy who doesn't work here.
Henry's playing a little B ukulele to put romantic music into the air. Okay. So, uh... At the table. At the table is what? Glenn Close, dressed in a suit and sitting there with a calculator, just, like, typing and looking at that. And if you really... And if, uh... If David rolls investigation, you can see that he is, uh... He's doing that to me. Wait, I'll roll.
He rolled a two, so whatever you want him to see, he will see. He's not smart enough. He doesn't see the upside down 8-0-0-8-7-3-5-5-1-3-0. You remember that?
Dude, smartphones came at the right time because do you imagine being entertained by the fact that you could turn numbers upside down? That was like the pinnacle of entertainment. It's amazing. Before I leave, I pull the chair out for David and then I lean in and whisper to Glenn, but loud enough so David can hear. I say, sir, that tip you gave me was just too large. I don't know if I can accept it. Don't worry. Don't worry. It's more than, write it off as taxes. Whew.
And then I walked back and I whispered it out loud, I was like, "That man must be the richest man I've ever waited on." Both of you roll deception. With advantage? That's smooth. You're both rolling so that is effectively advantage. 2 plus 14... 16. You can only do it once, I'm sorry, the inspiration is gone. Come and gone. Oh, I guess you-- Okay, okay. Just kidding, fuck you, you don't get to do it again. You can't do it!
- Anthony, can we do like a very brief flashback? It'll be so brief, I promise. - Yeah, sure. - Okay. - Sure. - So it's like Glenn and Ron, like, you know, like massaging each other's shoulders, amping each other up to beat each other. - A little lower, right? - Yeah. - Okay, cool. - You gotta do it, man. You gotta shave your head. - What?
Cut back. Glenn Close. And in the background you see Peyton weaving together a wig and he goes, "canonically, this is what he's gonna be wearing for the rest of the season." And there's a scene at some point in the future where Glenn gets surprised and goes, "Bloop!"
All right, so have a seat. David. You failed to convince him. With a 16, really? With a 16, yeah. I've modulated the difficulty to be a little bit more difficult considering how fucking good you are at this. Still inflation, dude. It's a tough economy out there. If you got an 18, I would have accepted it. But no, he goes like, I don't know. I feel like this may be, this guy's a cheapo. He's trying to make me think he's a big shot. Here you are, sir. The most expensive bottle of
Apple piece from your server. Let me, uh... Gnar. Oh, um, I'd like to do a flashback as well. Okay. Henry has been talking to Rachel about all of David's favorite songs. Okay. So, like, can you give me, like, what are five of his favorite songs? I can feel it nuttin' in the air tonight. With or without dudes. Crocodile cock. Mm-hmm. Yellow brick road. Goodbye, yellow brick road. Parentheses, the yellow is piss. Okay.
Candle in the far wind. Okay. The Lion King soundtrack. The Lion King soundtrack. The whole Lion King soundtrack. All right, I'm going to roll a D6. Weirdly enough, a lot of Elton John on that list. Yeah. I got two. What was the second one you said? Crocodile Cock. All right, so Henry B. Henry is crooning a delightful little version of Crocodile Cock. You can give me a verse from Crocodile Cock, and you'll get it back.
Do you want me to Google like a karaoke version of... I remember when Crocs were hung I was horny and feeling dumb Mr. Gator said how you do I said hey there Gator I'm looking at you Best in the biz
Cox Rock, that's it. Alright. So yeah, you're gonna get advantage on whatever the next role you're gonna do to convince this guy because the ambiance, the mood is so bellissimo. So I've been handed the most expensive bottle of wine. Yes, you have. In this Applebee's. That you can find in the Applebee's. Waiter, aren't you going to do the cork thing? I'll do the cork thing. Use your stinger. Careful, though, if you use the stinger and it comes out, you'll die, Ron! I should...
I'm a corked up white boy just trying to open a bottle. I will carefully try to use my stinger to open this bottle of wine. Okay, roll a sleight of hand. We'll say sleight of stinger. Thirteen. Thirteen prevents you from dying. All right. Here you are, sir. The clone that I had waiting in the wings to be Ron for the rest of the series canonically that would have taken your place had you died in that moment now evaporates in the mist. A real Avril Lavigne situation. Yeah, a real Avril Lavigne situation.
So Glenn leans over and like does the whole like sniff sip, sniff a cork and like gets kind of a quizzical look on his face like, "Wait, this wine is no good. Put it, cork back in it and put it in, store it for future value taxation purposes. It will depreciate and amortize over seven years." Roll persuasion with advantage. Did I just get you with the word amortization? Seven plus 14, 21.
Yes, sir. Right away, sir. So with a 21, he goes, oh, we get advantage also, but not that it matters. He goes, oh, able time. Yeah. Oh, are you into the business arts? I consider business an art. You're doing great, Glenn. Glenn does like a thumbs up behind his head. You're crushing it, bald eagle. Yeah, I'm just looking for somebody who can support me in my endeavors.
Well, do you have a budget? Let me ask you something. What kind of tax-advantaged retirement accounts are you rolling? A mattress full of... I've got a designer dog that I can probably flip for a couple grand. Ha ha ha!
You're telling me that all your assets are cash assets? Yeah, I'm liquid. Glenn is going to neg David by being like, ugh, you're not even taking inflation. And Glenn stands up and goes as if to leave. Oh! Roll persuasion again with advantage. Bro, what you... Or deception, rather. Not that it's going to matter. With advantage, that persuasion roll puts me at a healthy, healthy 9 plus 14, 23. So you're like, wait, wait!
Yes Now you're speaking my language If you can explain what the stock market is within like 15 seconds in a way that makes sense
They will have clinched it. Stock marketing is a market in which it allows the public to own portions of publicly traded companies so that they can take advantage of the value of those companies, perceived value of those companies, based on how well they're doing as a company on a quarterly basis. This has been Planted Money! Ron takes Daryl aside. He's like, he's so silly. Stock is just how many t-shirts you have.
Ron, sorry, I was just flying off the handle. I don't know if anything I said is true. It's not. Yeah, none of this business stuff is right, but that's why there's only one businessman. But you're doing great, Bulldog. Just keep bullshitting, I guess. David, what you're saying, that you want to get into tax advantages and savings retirement accounts, that's really working for me. Tell me.
Is there any reason that Rachel should die? There's a hostage situation going on, right? I'm getting there, I'm getting there. Is there any reason that Rachel should, you know, like, is a bad person? Like, you know, even financially speaking. Any sort of financial fraud. Financially speaking, yeah. I mean, she's counterfeited a few dollar bills, but I mean, who has... Counterfeiting? Why, that's a federal offense. She's otherwise... I'm going to roll to see if Rachel's a good person or not.
She killed three people. Natural 20. Oh no, what did they do? She's killed three people but she saved 12. She's donated every organ that she has while still alive and is just barely holding on. It's only the love. Can I do a quick flashback? Yeah, go. Before we leave on this date, I lean in to all the Gregs and I say, "She has no organs. There's more of you than her. We're gonna be gone for a while. Whatever happens, happens."
Take her down roll persuasion. That's right. That's a five The great I don't know. I don't know if there's any way you could have known that because this is a flashback Can I do a flashback? Yes, you can. Darryl you almost forgot your your great glasses This is why they call them the x-ray machine. This guy is the best in the biz. He can see right?
- Oh yeah. He can tell if you got work. He can tell if you're a good person. - That's right. - Oh, I just love you, Daryl. All right, the end. - So you guys believe me now? Roll for your flash, your dumb ass flashback, Beth. - That's, ooh. - They go, this is a pair of sunglasses that you wrote, that you wrote, I know everything onto in like magic marker. - Daryl, are you gonna keep those sunglasses by the way? - They, I feel good in them. Do you want them though?
You can have them, I guess, yeah. All right, you should have them. So we go back to the present. Beautiful. Yeah, I mean, she's a really good person. She's donated all her organs. She donates money to orphanages and stuff. She's a fantastic person. They're amazing. Team Bravo, Team Bravo, this is a Paul Eagle checking in. Excuse me one second. I must use the... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Henry wants to do one more flashback. I love that. It's like...
Henry wants to do one. Henry wants to do one. Just one. Matt Mercer does not have to put up with this shit. Henry has planted a speaking stone on the table. Okay. And back at HQ, back at the hostage situation, Rachel, they're listening by a speaking stone to David saying all these wonderful things about what a good person they are.
And Rachel goes, "Yeah, that's why I'm in love with him." "And I'm still upset that he's not in love with me." "You just made it worse!" "And two more Gregs die!" There's one more flashback.
Guys, guys, I feel like I would feel bad if we canceled this date with David, right? Mm-hmm. When are we flashing back to? This is right before we leave on a date. We're about to leave on a date. Okay. How do you guys tie a tie? I don't think we should cancel the date, but I don't think this date's going to fix this. How about we roll initiative and kill Rachel before we go on this date? What do you guys think? Wait, how many Gregs are left? There's only five Gregs left, man. If we go on a date, everybody's going to be dead, including...
Whatever her name is, I have four Gregs, man! You've gotten so deep in the game you lost count of what's important! Human lives are at stake! I look at Henry and say, "Fine, we don't have to do this, but in a couple hours, when this date goes wrong, it's the plus on your hands, do you understand?" And we flash forward and I go, "I knew we should've just come right now." I gave you that one last chance to invite Rachel. A tear rolls down Henry's B.I. as he realizes this is going south.
Okay, Glenn, you were coming to talk to us or something. What's up? Glenn, you gotta save us. You gotta save this situation. I can't handle any more Craigs dying. I still don't understand how the state's gonna eventually save these Craigs. What was he supposed to do? We were trying to get, just to remind everybody...
We were trying to get dirt on Rachel to justify morally killing her. I thought we were trying to get... I thought it was like he... David was like, I'm going to come on this date with you and then I'll help you convince Rachel to not kill people. That's right. But my secondary objective, right? You can have secondary objectives, dude. You saw Ocean's Eleven. You know what I'm saying? Let's really leave the secondary objective
It's the primary objective, it's the primary objective to show the Roberts, dude! Henry zooms into Glenn's ear. Glenn, it's me, Henry. I'm in your ear. Glenn, it's me, Henry. I'm in your ear.
Hey, so, we gotta get this date to a second location. We gotta get... We gotta get David back to the hostage situation so David can convince Rachel to not come out. And they'll come out and stop the hostage situation. And if it doesn't work, you can kill Rachel, Daryl. But we need David to pretend he loves Rachel. Yeah.
Yeah, make that sound business-y and then we'll get that to happen. Glenn, what do business people love? Glenn, what do business people love? Money. If I remember correctly, we have like thousands of gold. That's right, this is after we did the thing with scam with the, yeah, we have, just give them some. No, no, no, no. Damn it, you don't know the first thing about business. Ron, you're in too deep. David, you're, Glenn, you're in too deep. No, listen to me. Remember who you are. Here's what. A loser, rock guy, loser.
I take my glasses. I take the sunglasses, which, what do they say?
They say I know everything. I take my sunglasses and say, "You need these, buddy." And I put them on you and say, "Get back in there." Now everything is slightly darker and my perception goes down by one. So then I go, "I have some rental properties that I need to check up on." You know, just a little bit of secondary passive income sources. Okay, can I come with? I guess.
Oh no. So now I take the date to a second location back to Hardball Cough Drops. Okay, so you go back to Hardball Cough Drops and uh, are you gonna just try to walk David into this hostage situation? No, no, I'm gonna... Oh yeah, disguise David as a hostage. What was, uh, what was the Greggs, what did the Greggs look like? The Greggs all look like him. Oh, okay, okay, alright, okay. So, grey t-shirt, a lanyard with what appears to be a VIP pass.
Well, that makes sense, right? It was the Greg convention. Yeah, it was the Greg convention. Bravo team, I need a Greg outfit. Stat. Okay. I just pick up some clothes from one of the dead Gregs. And then for the shirt, I'll check the stock market. Yeah. You do that, Ron. I pick up a shirt from one of the dead Gregs, too. I found one on the stock market. That was great advice. Oh, the Dow was down and so am I, man. Yeah.
So this, uh, just, Dave, this, uh, this location here, you know, there's, uh, kind of a strict uniform dress code. Can you put this on? Anything for you, my new friend. All right. Maybe more? Slow down, slow down, slow down. You're moving too fast. Or are you? You can, you can rescue any, any situation with that or are you?
So Dave puts the shirt on and it's sticking to his chest with blood, but otherwise it seems to be completely fine. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Come on in. I can't, right? I'm just bringing Dave in. Oh no! It's Rachel! Who's Rachel? This is a trap of some sort!
I start singing Crocodile Cock again. You say what? Crocodile Cock. It's the most romantic song to make him fall in love with Rachel. It's a Hail Mary play. Okay, give me a roll. I'm going to sneak behind Rachel as she's distracted. That's a seven. That's not going to do it. What are you going to do, Daryl? Don't even worry about it. Two more grits.
There's only two left now. I don't care about them anymore. What? After seven dead, what's the point? Daryl just sits down. In for a penny, in for a pound, yeah. Now the best case scenario is we save three out of 12 hostages, guys. Where is Hardball Cofftrap? Is she? She's also one of the hostages. Okay, I, um... She's the one who canonically cannot die. I cast, um... I didn't do it, Anthony. Whoa, she can't die? Daryl just walks towards Rachel.
You won't shoot. Look what you've done! Look at all this depth! For what? Roll Intimidation. Yes! That's a 21! So she raises the scroll of Disintegrate, which has so many charges on it. It's really more of a binder of Disintegrate. You don't want to do this. Deep down I know I'm still here later.
Rachel's still here. I know Cop Job's still here. I know you should still be here later, too. And I'm picking up what Daryl's been laying down. Look what you have wrought. David, what do you think of this death and this destruction and this poor use of business assets and personnel? Yeah, the amount of money you've lost just on these bregs alone has got to be in the tens of thousands. Or more. Or more.
You disappointed me, Rachel. And for good reason, Rachel. Don't you see? Look at what your actions have done. You screwed this up. We got 21. We're good. So she hesitates. The binder of disintegration hesitates in her hand, and she sort of drops it to her side, and she goes, what have I done? Yeah, yeah, really think about that. I approach them cautiously and just kind of kick the scroll away. Do you know what I mean? Give me an Runtac roll. Why did I open my dumb mouth? Ha ha ha!
William, say it isn't so, William! She disintegrates Henry! Henry evaporates in a smoke before your eyes. And then a changeling from outside...
sees this happen and she goes, that's horrible. Those people, they look so devastated that their best friend Henry has just died. I know what I'll do. And she casts a spell that removes all of your memories of the past 35 seconds. And she transforms herself into the image of what she believes that guy Henry looked like. Wait, wait, wait, I got an idea actually. What if it was the changeling in the first place and we planted it in a flashback? No! No!
A changeling? Henry comes out! Henry! Henry comes out and he's a changeling now! So yeah, she's got it. She just iced the changeling, which means she's probably distracted if you wanted to now make this plan relevant. I cast Wall of Stone! I cast Wall of Stone and put her in a little jail and I just run to everybody. Nice. Okay. I go boom, and then like a bunch of walls show up. Ron pulls out his diary. Dear diary, there is...
The friend zone and there are war zones and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. The end. The end! Thank you, Portland! Thank you! Thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody.
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