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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Animehab. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons of new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kind of...
It's all kinds of stuff, dude. I was thinking solely anime. From Family Guy to American Dad, they've got it all. Solar Opposites, Hit Monkey, American Dad. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. If you're looking for a favorite animated show, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Anime Hem. Your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Sounds freaking sweet, Lois.
Hey, so we've actually talked a lot about the fact that very soon we're going to be releasing Dad Then There Were None, a Dad at the Christie Who Dadded little mini series about murder. And sort of to whet your appetite for murders and mysteries and goofs and gallantry, we recorded this, which is a standalone kind of backdoor pilot for, I don't know, maybe it'll be a series, maybe it won't be. Maybe you'll love it, maybe you'll hate it. I think you'll like it a lot. It's called Gumshoes and Daddies, and it starts right now.
Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to Gumshoes and Daddies, the pilot episode of who knows what this could be. But the main thing is that we're doing this for Nami to support mental health and all that kind of stuff. So before we get into what we're going to be doing today, Beth, do you want to tell them about the great things that Nami does? Sure, sure, sure. Okay, so I wrote this entire thing
thing on Evernote and I'm going to read it off and hopefully Travis or Esther, whoever is editing this will cut it down because I wrote way too long, but I'm passionate about NAMI. And it's also, we're doing this for mental health awareness month, which is May. Also my last name. We're doing this one shot on the main feed and specifically on the main feed.
feed and specifically partnering with NAMI, aka the National Alliance on Mental Illness, trying to raise some cheddar for them. So if you follow me on social media, you notice me spamming, trying to raise money for the LA NAMI walk on April 29th, which was a blast. People helped me raise some money, which is awesome. How much did you raise? Oh, I raised... If you lie, it's an SEC violation. Is that a real thing? No. Tell us how much you actually raised, not what you told the IRS you raised. Ha ha ha!
We raised $10,752. Jesus. Six figgies. That buys a lot of mental health. I don't know if that's funny. That buys a lot of mental illness. That buys six mental illnesses. You can buy three bipolars with that. Yep, you can. And we're trying to bring that energy into Mental Health Awareness Month because, as some of us know, mental illness does not take neatly scheduled breaks. It's estimated that one in five adults in the U.S. live with some type of mental illness or five.
four out of five podcasters. Wow. Wow.
What's it like, Freddie? What's it like? I wouldn't know. Great, I guess. One in 25 adults live with SMI or serious mental illness, myself included. I have bipolar type 1. I was diagnosed when I was 19 after my first psychotic episode. I've got borderline personality disorder, so twinsies. Not twinsies, but different BP. Exact twinsies. BP versus BPD, the ultimate showdown. I think there's a charity baseball game happening, actually. Yep.
Also, the first time I said I had borderline personality disorder, Freddie, without a hesitation, went, you have borderlands personality disorder? That's a good friend.
So there have been periods of my life where I had really good mental health care, good insurance. And there have been periods of my life where I was pretty much flying solo. And that's where NAMI comes in. NAMI provides support to mentally ill people and their loved ones. So local chapters of NAMI can offer education, referrals and resources and therapeutic support groups all together.
for free, motherfucker, free. Stuff like finding a psychiatrist that takes your insurance, finding a therapist you can afford, making sure your family is informed about your illness. My family was like, what? That's wild. And then just having someone who's been there and that you can talk to. NAMI offers all of this. At the federal level, NAMI fights for policy changes to crisis response, understanding that cops are not fucking psychiatrists and you cannot get well in a cell.
They are also about advancing research. A lot of big pharma companies end up being totally content with antipsychotics with terrible side effects because often they're the only option and they make bank for these companies. So yeah, new research, new drugs, very important. They're also instrumental in 988, the new national mental health crisis line, which is fucking awesome. Ultimately, NAMI was there for me when I wasn't doing well. And now that I am, I'd like to give back.
If you are in a space, mentally and financially, to give, that would be great. If not, their resources are free. I will also add that we are big fans of NAMI here on the podcast. We've donated our pin sales for the You Are Enough As You Are pin to NAMI. It's sort of an ongoing quarterly thing. This is Freddie justifying not donating this time. We already did it. Yeah, we already did it through our podcast.
I already gave it up. Sorry, Ben. All that to say that I'm sure some of you have heard us talking about NAMI in the past. And yeah, they're a great charity, and we are doing this to support them. And this bonus episode for everyone on the main feed is in support of NAMI and Mental Health Awareness Month. Okay, so this is not going to be like a typical Dungeons and Daddies episode. Not even a typical Dungeons and Dragons episode. Yes. Yes.
It is already atypical because I put effort into it. So this is Gumshoes and Daddies, and the premise is if you've ever seen something like Columbo or Poker Face or The Sinner, you will know from the beginning who the killer is. Will is going to be the killer. Oh, my God. What? But everybody else on the podcast is not going to know how Will did the murder that he's going to do. Pretty soon, Will and I are going to do a scene with just us, but before that, I'm going to ask the others to leave the room. Once they come back...
Will and I and you, the audience, will know exactly what happened, but you'll have to see and hope that the other three can figure out exactly what happened. Specifically, you're looking for the motive, the means, and the opportunity, and then you've got to do something to catch Will. And if you're playing along at home and you figure it out, call 1-800-DADDY-I-GOT-CHA and shout what the murder is, and we'll feature your answer on the show. That's a 1-900 number. We are taking all the proceeds. It's $5.95 a minute.
So we just got to figure out how Will did it. Yeah. Will, you dumb idiot. I've known you for so long. I know the way you sound when you poop. I know the way you sound. That's a wild thing to say. I've been in the same room with you for like 20 years, dude. I know how you would kill somebody left and right. There are sides and shades to me that you're so unaware of, Matt. I'm like a fucking onion. We'll see. Okay. I eat onions. I'm going to read up in this intro so you all know the kind of setting that we're in, and then I'm going to tell you to leave. Okay. Fine. Fine.
The banner of the Dwarven Underhill clan depicts a pickaxe and a brain. The banner would be flapping in the breeze right now. Are these clues? No. Well, I mean, they might be relevant. No, it's just mood setting. Okay, okay, I'm just making sure. Shut up and listen. The banner would be flapping in the breeze right now if the Kingdom Underhill were not entirely underground, a labyrinth of winding tunnels and memory mines, and if it weren't draped over the body of King Underhill, who died peacefully in his sleep last night.
Clan Underhill's workers spend day and night mining for Remembor, the mineral with which the production lines manufacture Memory Stones, handheld magical devices that can record and store up to 24 hours of visual and audio information. It's through the Memory Stones that... Will, can you just keep your cursor where it is? Oh, sorry. We're on a shared Google Doc and I'm moving my cursor around. Hi, Anthony. Thanks, Will. It's Will, your...
Doing great. Keep up the good narration. Thanks. It is through the memory stones that Clan Underhill made their fortune and parlayed that fortune into the kingdom before us now. A kingdom looking for a new king. Hi, Anthony, it's Will. You're doing great. Keep up the good narration. The late king's younger son, Ciaran, awaits in the throne room, his foot tapping as the king's counselors mutter amongst themselves. It's a little more than a formality, of course. As the king's only present son, Ciaran stands to inherit...
The doors to the royal hall slam open. Milkleg, the king's eldest son, stands in the doorway. "'Hey, brother,' he says. "'I came as soon as I heard.'"
All right. Now everybody leave. Oh, okay. Shocking that it was like Kieran, but not Connor. I know. I know. Oh, these are names from our audience. Oh, so it's not Succession? No, no. Oh my God. Shit, it could have been Succession. Kieran is one of our listeners and Milk Leg was sent to us by Sam Johnson. Thank you, Kieran and Sam Johnson. You sent these names in 2019. Yes. Okay. Whatever.
This is weird doing two-person improv. Mm-hmm. All right, should I just go into it? Yeah, just go into it. Brother, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm just back to become king and stuff because dad died. It's good to see you. And I embrace Milkleg? Is his name? His name is Milkleg. I give Milkleg a big hug. But like, it's one of those hugs where on the other side of the hug, I look nervous and like thrown off by his son. If there were a camera, you'd be like, yeah. But I don't understand. You foreswore this place when you went off to become an actor. Yeah.
I mean, I wanted to go act and that seemed like a pretty big deal. But now I've like sort of I'm the best at it. So I'm sort of beaten acting. I sort of beat the end boss of acting. So I figure it's time to become king. And with dad dying, I'm sad, but I'm also pretty psyched to take the throne. You know, Milk Leg, it's it's so great as your younger brother to have you back. I spent so many years working with dad.
wiping the drool out of his beard as he got senile and old at the end. You know, I know the operation so well, it's a hard job running a memory stone mine. It's a lot of work and it's a lot of responsibility. And, you know, I'm already pretty good at it. So I just wonder if maybe
You know, there's something else that you could do that would be fun. No, we need a new court jester. Milk Lake bursts into tears and he goes, brother, what you say is true. I am nothing more than a jester. I'm not actually the most famous and best actor. I'm struggling to get by and it's hard. And I just need to, I just need to be king in order to give myself any amount of self-respect and a little bit of money. But you,
You'll be a very, very treasured counselor of mine. You'll be the head of the council of counselors, the counselor council. That'll be you. That's something. I'm already the head of the council of counselors and nobody listens to me. I've been wanting to be king for all 200 years of my childhood. Well, when I get really old, if I don't have kids, which I will because I'm very attractive, you'll be king then if I die with no kids, which I won't. Please.
I'm your younger brother. I don't have anything but this. You've got to go have your own life. I've been training for this since I was a boy, since you left. This is all I have. Please, I'm just begging you, man to man, dwarf to dwarf, brother to brother, let me stand as king and go pursue your dream. Go grow like the mighty mountain itself.
Well, mountains don't grow. They do grow. Oh my God. They grow very slowly over time. You know nothing about mountains. Can you see how wrong this is? You said this was all you have, and I understand that. But now it's all I have. And sort of that makes it all we have, but mostly me. So what I'm going to do is we're going to get ready for the funeral tomorrow. You know, we've got the darkness chant, the 12-hour chant of darkness, the dark chant. It's called the half-day morning, not the 12-hour chant of darkness or whatever. You don't even know the name of the ritual.
rituals anymore. Yeah, but people just make noises in the dark for 12 hours. That's basically what it is. Oh, they're not noises of the sacred songs of our ancestors. Yeah, the whole dark chant thing sounds really, really cool. Can you handle that for me, though? What? Because all of my stuff is at the hotel, the Neutral Milk Hotel, and I left all my stuff there, so it's like a 12-hour horse ride, so I was just going to go get that, come back. Like, it sounds like you're going to start... Brother, if we're not both there to sing the lamentation song, our father won't descend to the great underground mountain.
And his soul won't be at rest. Yeah, but you could like give him love for me. I could write you a note. Like, you know what I would say? I'd be like, brother, I love you, dad. Just imagine what I would say and say that. And he'd be psyched about it. Anyway, I'm off to the hotel. I'm going to go get my stuff. I brought a lot.
I love suitcases, but I'll see you soon. It's called the Nutri Milk Hotel in case you need to reach me, but you shouldn't. Tomorrow, I'm probably just going to get some brunch and then go shopping a little bit. And then I'll head right over. You dare brunch on the day of our father's funeral? I'll head right over after brunch and then maybe a nap and some shopping and stuff like that. But really, really soon after that, I promise. I still got some auditions. You're still acting?
Yeah, I mean, everybody's got to have a side hustle. I'm the acting king. Oh, wow. I didn't even think about that until I just said it. Go me, Milk Leg. And he high fives himself and he heads off, leaving you alone in the royal room. Well, not alone because the counselors are here muttering amongst themselves. But if you wanted to Shakespearean monologue at us, feel free. Kieran paces here in the hall of his forefathers. He looks up at the statues of
of all of the former Underhill Kings, the line of succession. And he sees that empty podium where there's a rough hewn stone statue yet to be carved in. And he puts his palm on it and he says, it shall be mine one way or the other. All right, let's do a planning the murder montage. Okay.
We see Milk Leg reciting his acting and doing a lot of pacing and performing in his room. And who's that spying behind the painting of their father on the wall? It's Kieran as he looks at him reading scripts and fumbling his lines. And as he looks at that script, a devious plan comes to mind.
Cut to Kieran paces the library, the voluminous library of spells and tomes deep within Underhill Mountain, and he comes upon a book for demon summoning, and he flips through it until he gets to the section on infernal fire demons, and he grins and he smiles.
Cut to Kieran writing with one of those old, you know, the old timey quill, the quill and the feather and he's scribbling and we see a little bit of what he's writing and it's a note requesting an audition. It says, dearest Milkleg, I, Elvinsor Bartholomew, am the head of an acting troupe and we've heard just such great things about you and we would love it if you would audition for our new play, A Silly Little Boy Summons a Demon. You play the silly little boy and you summon a demon and he becomes your best pal.
If you could please send in a self-addressed memory stone to this address with your monologue, this following monologue. Just let us see if you're right for the part. Hugs and kisses, Elvinsor Bartholomew. Kieran rolls up the note and hands it to a raven and whispers, neutral milk hotel, to the raven. And the raven takes off into the night. Mm-hmm.
And then meanwhile, he goes, because now he knows he needs to craft an alibi for himself. No one is going to be in this mausoleum singing to his father except for him. So he grabs a memory stone.
And he flips open to his book. Now, that's what I call dwarven lamentation rights. And flips to the chapter on bereavement. And for the next 12 hours, he skips out on dinner that night. He feigns a tummy ache. And he sings for 12 hours in a muffled room and records the lamentation so that if anyone asks, it'll be there.
So the next morning, the lamentation is set to begin. Kieran has the memory stone with 12 hours of his chanting in hand. And meanwhile, back at Nutri Milk Hotel, Milk Leg is just having the brunch of his life in his bed. And a raven brings him a note with an audition in it. He goes, ooh, an audition. I'll get to that shortly, as soon as we finish cutting back to my brother. Ha ha ha ha!
Okay, cutting back to Kieran. Kieran is in the middle of a funeral procession. Thousands of dwarves of the Underhill have come out to mourn his beloved father. He's following a coffin into the mausoleum, and as he steps in behind his father's sarcophagus...
the giant stone door rolls shut and immediately he abandons his cloak. He's already got more mysterious anonymous riding gear on underneath all of his dwarven finery. He has an eight gold pieces. He throws them, cast them off in the corner. He sets out the memory stone and presses play on it. And then the sound of his voice echoing in the hall, singing the dwarven lamentation ride begins.
And then he uses the family's ancient secret passage out of the mausoleum where a horse is waiting for him on the other side of the mountain. And he makes deadly haste across the hills to the Neutral Milk Hotel, which is in Neutralland, the neighboring kingdom. They never get involved in wars. And so he sneaks up to the hotel and peers in on the window where his brother is... His brother is chanting. He goes...
Hey, I'm Milk Leg. I am represented by CVS, and I'm going to perform this monologue from A Silly Boy Summons a Demon. Oh, Kali Ma, Shakti De, Shakti De, Kali Ma, I call to you. Please burn this silly, silly boy. And in that moment, as he says, please burn this silly, silly boy, a portal opens up.
From hell, a demon comes out and goes, no problem, bro. And touches him and he goes, no, no, I didn't. It was just a play. And it gets touched and he incinerates instantly into a bunch of ashes and he is dead inside of his room. And it happened so quickly that probably nobody even really heard much of a scuffle beyond his initial yelp of pain.
With cat-like tread, Kieran sneaks in through the window, knowing he only has precious seconds because the people would have heard this massive noise. He finds the envelope that he sent, the Raven's Note, and snatches it and casts it into the fire that's already burning in the room. And it gets engulfed in the embers and burns into smoke. Then he finds the Memory Stone and switches it off. And he very carefully switches it off so it looks like it hasn't been nudged or anything like that.
And then he draws forth a stone knife called the final cut and uses it to subtly pair off the edges of the stone. That's who, whoever rewatches it will not see this beginning where he explains that it was an audition. And they'll think this was someone you sort of essentially creating a memory stone of them summoning a demon and it going horribly, horribly awry. Great. And then with that,
He makes a light back out the window, rides his horse back and gets back just in time for the end of his lamentations, just like in that episode of Poker Face with the barbecue. And he quickly puts on his robes investments and rolls the door back open and walks back out to the mournful faces of the crowd. And so having done that, the perfect murder is complete. And now I'm going to call the detectives back in to investigate the crime scene.
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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this week by KiwiCo. KiwiCo! Fun projects, learning projects, edutainment. What noise does a kiwi make? Oh, it's from New Zealand, so be like, kids of all ages through hands-on projects and activities. You know what sound my kid makes when they play with a KiwiCo? I love you, Dad!
You are doing a good job. I know it's hard to be a parent, but you're hanging in there. Thanks so much for this wonderful KiwiCo. Your kid's got a deep voice. With KiwiCo, there's always something new for kids to discover, like engineering robots or learning about the science of ice cream. It's cold. It's just cold. That's all it is. What was the project you've been doing, Matt? There's other stuff, too. Yeah, there's more about it. Yeah, what have you been doing? It's got to freeze fat in there. That's why you can't just use olive oil all willy-nilly. What have you been doing, Matt? What have I been doing? With your kid, not, you know, with KiwiCo.
We did a hydraulics thing, so I kept the mechanic vibe going. We got this, like, little, you golf, Freddy. You know how they pick up golf balls on the ground? You know, at the driving range? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we built this, like, little, like, it's not a sweeper, but it's kind of like a little chompy. It's shaped like a little whale, not like a golf cart. Not like an armored killdozer golf cart. No, no, no. But it was fun to build, and you could decorate afterwards, so my daughter had a good time. But it's just, you know, it teaches something about mechanics and how gears work and stuff, and it's just fun to run around and, you know, play around.
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That's 50% off your first month at K I W I C O.com promo code daddies. The scene that you walk into, there is fantasy police tape, cordoning off a room of neutral milk hotel inside this room. The thing that immediately draws your eye is a big pile of ash. The police sketch artist put that pencil down. Uh,
You got a picture of me. He goes, well, what am I doing here? I'm supposed to be at the station or at the courthouse. Remember, they don't have photography in this world. So they would have a crime scene investigator like at the place. According to Dungeons and Daddies canon, we have goblins that draw things quickly. So I guess it's one of those goblins. Yeah. He got out of the camera. He's a lucky one.
So what you see is a bunch of ash in the center of the room and you see another dwarf and you hear somebody say the word Kieran to him and this dwarf looks really upset. So in walk,
three investigators or maybe your private investigators do you want to be private investigators you might be private why would you be cops wouldn't you if you're if it's caught off by police sure we're detectives trio trio you're only two of them walk in you're not there yet okay okay so what just a sinking feeling in my in my gut right now what do we see when you two walk in beth and freddie
Okay, so you know, um, McGruff? The crime dog? Yes. It's McGruff. It's me, Detective Doggo. I solve dog-related crimes. And pupper-related mishaps. Okay. This is my partner. Introduce yourself, partner. Hey, it's Dan Granger. I'm a lycanthrope. But I'm also, like, the hairiest motherfucker you've ever seen. So you're both dogs? Yes. No! No!
Maybe he thinks that, but... So the cop on duty, the patrolman, says, I was... Excuse me. Yeah, I was given notice saying there was three of you. Excuse me, sorry. You hear a rumbling, a bum bum bum. Sorry. The walls shake around you. Squish, sorry. And then slowly through the door, just the head of a 24-foot-tall fog giant peeks in. Hey, sorry, guys, really small in here.
My name's Schmaug or Schmaug, depending. It's okay. You can, however you want to pronounce it. How's the crime scene, team? So Matt decided on a fog giant before I told him that it's all a dwarven underground thing. And he went, it's going to be outside, right? For some reason he took it as great. He's like, we're definitely solving a crime outside, right?
That was his first question. I didn't want to pivot. So that's what it is. The patrolman says, yeah, so what it looks like we've got here is... Don't tell me my job, man. Okay, fair enough. But what does it look like? Well, it looks like this pile of ash used to be this fellow's brother. This is Kieran Underhill. The name under the registry is that of Milkleg Underhill, and that looks like the pile of ash we've got here. People heard a scream. They felt a lot of flame, a really quick explosion of flame coming from this room. And then...
People? When you say people, where are these people? The other guests in the hotel. How many other guests? Two. How big is this hotel? I can't tell. This hotel seats three people. How do you make money with two people? The guy at the front desk comes up and he goes, our rates are exorbitant! And then he steps back down the stairs. Hey, front desk man, did you hear anything? Yeah, I heard some chanting, and then I heard flame, and then I heard nothing. Oh, the nature of the chanting. Was it demonic? Was it, uh...
It sounded demonic in nature, yeah. Was it friendly chanting, or was it... I mean, it was friendly in terms of being demonic, yeah. It sounded like somebody wanted to make good friends with a... I don't know. I don't know from demons. Now, somebody said you believe it's the brother of Kieran? Yeah. So, when you assume... Sorry, yeah, that's the cop. When you assume something, you make an ass out of you and some guy named Ass. Well, Kieran said it was his...
Well, we're going to need her. Hold everyone here. But now, there's no body. There's no fingerprints. It's just a pile of ash. There's no body? Kieran, you led me to believe that there were reasons for this to be your brother. And he points at you, Kieran, and he's... Yes, detectives, this is the room that my dear brother Milkleg said he was staying in. Well, I think you did it. And?
You were here? Beth is on top of it. Beth is Columbo incarnate. Peter Falk is back. Slow down, Dan. You think I did what? I think you made an ass out of you and some guy named Ass. Someone is being an ass in the presence of Kieran Underhill, acting king of Underhill Mountain, which is who I am. Oh.
And if you're going to accuse a regent such as I of a crime, there's a whole procedure for that. But since you seem like a hirsute gentleman of the lycanthrope persuasion, I'll just chalk it off to your uncultured nature and let that one slide. What were you doing when... I guess we're
questioning him now. He died. We're questioning you. Yeah, what were you doing when he... Do I need to have a lawyer present? No, we're just asking questions. I have nothing to hide. Ask away. I, as much as anyone, want to find my brother's killer. Why would you want to buy a gift for your lawyer? We never said he was dead. You
This is his pile of ashes on the ground, I believe. So the patrolman points at the thing of ash. He goes, well, there's a little, you can see a golden ring there, like a golden signet ring. Oh, my brother's ring. Yeah. And I drop to my knees and I look it over and say, yes, yes. I remember when his father, my father, we have the same father, gave us these rings. See, I have a matching one. Yeah, so that's why we think. I'd like to examine both of those rings closely. Okay. What do I see? Give me a D20 roll with advantage.
Funny how that works. That's a 14. Okay, so the 14, you can tell that these are two genuine Underhill family crest rings. They are effectively identical, but one has a little bit more wear and tear on it. That would be Kieran's because he's actually spent his time working in the mines. The other one looks a lot more polished, a lot more nice. So Milklegs is polished. You can find out about Milklegs by asking Kieran. Kieran, if you have nothing to hide. I'm sorry. Could you speak a little quieter? Your voice is very loud. This, I am whispering. No.
How does a fog giant wind up on the police force, if I may ask? That's a long story. I'd love to hear it.
Hey, let's not get sidetracked here. You always talk about your stories. No, I don't. Buddy, you do. Yes, I do. That's yes anding, everybody. Look. Yes, I do, because they're good. You guys talking about your backstories reminds me of my backstory. Let's hear your back. It's pretty tragic. He's got a tragic backstory. Why don't you tell it? Well, he's a thing. And while he's telling it, I'm going to sniff Kieran.
Okay. Because fog giants have super good sense of smell and can track people. So I just want to get, I just want to get that, you know, in my hard drive. I just want to get a scent in my hard drive. Okay.
Okay. And you're a hard drive. Like a dog. Like that way, you know, we're walking around the hotel. Yeah, if you smell Kirin somewhere, you'd be like, this is Kirin. There's two other dog characters and you're gonna... I'm looking at my abilities. And fog giants, according to the ForgottenRealmsFandom.wiki, Jesus. Present a good sense of smell, allowing them to attract creatures by their scent. Speaking of the detective doggos, that's your whole thing.
No. Is that what you're telling me? No, no, no, no, no. For whatever reason, Matt has smell sense. I didn't look up fog giants before I decided to beat one. I just, I just, I'm looking at it now. If you want to roll for a sense of smell, it's not going to hurt, but I'm doing it now. All right, go ahead and roll. Go ahead. And then we'll continue with your 18. All right. So you have Kieran Underhill's scent locked and loaded in your old factories. It's the scent of shortcomings by dwarf Calvin Klein. Wow.
Yeah, my wife and kid were eaten by a wolf. I don't know who did it. What kind of bastard turned into a wolf and then ate my wife in trial? When I find that motherfucker, I don't know what I'm going to do. Hopefully forgive them because they may not have known what they did.
So it sounds like you all have a lot going on. I'm very busy. I have a coronation to attend. As I said, I'm not the full king yet, but I have to get prepared for that. There's a lot for me to do. It seems to me. But just real quick, just give us your story, your sequence of events of what happened. What events are we? Are you considering this a homicide?
Well, how did you find? Why are you here? Because my brother died. Yeah, but how did you get here? I was notified that my brother died. Who notified you? How? When? Give me the details. Damn it, man. I'm in grief. How dare you come at me like some sort of. I proffer a little hanky.
I snatch your hanky and I use it to pull out my own hanky, which I then blow my nose with and throw your hanky back at you. I pick it up from the ground. So, yes, from the beginning. From the beginning. Well, this morning there was a knock at my door. It was the Kingsguard. And they said, we have a horrible piece of news for you. Your brother was killed last night. Which Kingsguard? You have a guy. You have a name. My Kingsguard. They're my father's guards. I don't name them.
They have names, I'm sure. There's the tall one. There's the slightly less tall one. Golden Boy, I call the third one. It was Golden Boy. Is that who notified you? Golden Boy. Golden Boy told me that there was a horrible accident here and I rode out as fast as I could. What time would that be?
I found out this morning. How does time work in this place? So the policeman goes, I got some of his alibis. So basically the last time he saw his brother was yesterday, right after his brother showed up at the beginning of the day in like 9am in the morning, somewhere thereabouts, as they realized that their dad had died the night before. Nine stone in the dawn rock, as we say under the mountain. And we slang that to 9am. So it'll be easier for you to track. Um,
He saw his brother. 9 a.m. means atop the mountain. Atop the mountain? Yeah, so 9 a.m. That's where clouds are. 9 a.m. he saw his brother after their dad died. I hate clouds. Their brother came back after a long stint of being an actor out in the other parts of the Forgotten Realms. So this is Milk Leg, the actor. This is Milk Leg, the actor, allegedly. That's who died. Yes. Yes, that's who died. And you did it. No! The last time he saw him was then. He then spent the rest of the day. He can't account for his movements for the rest of the day, but...
Pretty solid alibi, I'd say. The next morning was the, what did you call it again? The dark chance something? The Dwarven Lamentation Ritual. Dwarven Lamentation Ritual. Allow me, detective. My brother showed up. I hadn't seen him in some time. And then he told me he was coming home because he'd heard the tragic news of our father's passing. And he rode off to Neutral Milk Hotel to gather the rest of his things.
That night, I wept, as did my entire kingdom for my father, and I readied myself in mind and body for the lamentation ritual, which took place all the next day, where I was sealed in a mausoleum with my father and sang a lamentation song for 12 hours. Why? And then I went to sleep because I was tired, and then I woke up and found out that my brother had died. So, this lamentation ritual... Pretty smelly in there? Any, uh, fire? No.
That comes with that? Fire. And you like burning people alive? There are some candles, I believe. Oh, candles. Okay. And yes, we cover the scent of my father's corpse with rock incense, which we make out of our most floral rocks down deep in the mountain. I don't know what that has to do with this. Police officer. Yeah. Climb into my mouth. Why? So I could talk to you without him hearing me.
And I go, ooh. And I open my mouth. All right. Should we all go in there? Listen, you can trust this guy's mouth. Is this a mouth huddle? Yeah, a mouth huddle. Okay. Should we all go in your mouth? Before you enter, just put your hands on the edges of my cheeks so you can feel my language. So you're speaking through vibrations? Yeah. Okay, great.
Police officer, keep him inside this room. Do not let him leave. Okay, I mean, I have no thing to keep him on unless you have some proof. I can't keep him somewhere. Nah, nah, we don't got him. That's okay. He's gonna be around. I think we'll be able to... Just a quick question here. Do you want me to open this mouth again or not?
It's up to you. What? What was your question? What were you going to say, Freddy? From inside the mouth, you go, did your brother have any enemies? I opened my mouth up a little bit like a little window so you could poke your head out. I poked my head out so a dog's head poked out. Hey, did your brother have any enemies? My brother? No, he was a simple man. He, you know, he was an actor. He was a bit of a troubadour, a bit of a troublemaker. He did dabble in demon summoning now and then. Oh, interesting. Quick question. Lamentation ritual.
The thing everybody does when someone dies. Well, he was supposed to be there with me. That's the strange thing. I don't know. But judging by the temperature of these ashes, maybe he died while that was going on. While I was busy doing something else. Let me describe what else is in the room just because I forgot some basic specifics. So there's a bad...
There's an end table. I let everybody out. There's a bed. There's an end table. There's a very large head with a mouth that stinks that three people just walked out of. There is a fireplace with a poker next to it and one of those little like great thingy, like little movable, like what do you call them? The gates in front of the thing. A fireplace? Well, the thing in front of the fireplace, the little like three panel gate thing that's like translucent. Oh, yeah. Ash guard. Ash guard, sure. Or sparks.
So those are the relevant things in the room. Yeah. Okay. And a bunch of like luggage that is unopened and unrelevant to this. Can I roll to see if he'll take the threat to be like, keep him in the room? Uh, yeah, go for it. I got an 11. So he goes like, no, it's, it's against the law. I can't keep him here. I'm sorry. That's fair. So Kieran, this milk leg, your older brother, my older brother. Yes. Hmm. I hate older brothers even more than I hate clouds. God,
What a dense tapestry we're getting of this guy's backstory. Karen, Karen, Karen, Karen, when your brother didn't show up. Not to make too fine of a point, thank you. Yeah, your highness, your highness Karen. When your brother didn't show up. I'm sorry, do you call the king of Neverwinter your highness Jeff? That's his last name? I forgot that his name is Jeff.
His last name is Jeff. You know King Jeff. I do know King Jeff. I think he would technically be King Underhill, but King Kieran is probably, yeah, whatever. Good question. Good question.
Mouth huddle. When your brother didn't show up, did you send for him? I was trapped in a mausoleum at the time, so no. If we dwarves do not sing the lamentation rites, our forefathers will not descend to the dwarven afterworld. So I had to go do that, and I hoped that he would come, and he never did, and I was gravely concerned. Afterwards, what did you do?
Afterwards, we had our king's horses and king's men search far and wide for him. Where did they look for him? Then we found him at Neutral Milk Hotel. That's what I was told the next morning. Why was he there? Seeing a lass enjoying some games of dice? Why was he here? Well, I believe that my brother was established at this establishment while he was pursuing his acting career.
And he needed to wrap things up here, or so he told me, when he went out. So that's why he came. First to check in with me at the news of our father's death, and then he came back here to tidy up his affairs. So you sent the king's horses and the king's men out for him, right? Yes. But even Humpty Dumpty couldn't make this story fair. So, Kieran, my question is, how are you doing with the news? Not only of your brother's passing, but...
that you are going to be the king. Well, it's much to bear, but I shall endeavor to endure for the sake of the mighty Underhill people. My people. Did it come as a shock? Of course it came as a shock. I was shocked. Okay, really quick. Also, fuck, this is the most important thing. What am I doing? I was wondering when we were going to get to that. I'm so sorry. I'm focusing on so many things I forgot to mention. The policeman goes, oh, also there was this. And he pulls out a memory stone. Oh!
A memory stone. And he hits play on it. And in there, you see a person who looks like a- Lieutenant, this seems very cogent to our investigation. Yeah, I can't believe I didn't- You fool! There was a memory stone here? My brother's last moments on Earth? Sorry, I'm sorry, my bad. I was distracted by a lot of other
clues that I'm trying to keep track of. I'm adding you as a suspect. So you see somebody that looks like they could be a close relative, a slightly older relative of Kiran. Kiran, that looks like you, but a little bit different. That's my brother. That's how brothers work. You see the guy going, I call to you, I call to you, demon of fire and flame. I'm just a silly boy. Go ahead and come out, demon of fire and flame. And then a big demon of fire and flame comes out and goes, yeah, no problem, bro. And then touches him with one flaming finger and then he dissolves into ashes.
Doesn't he have an acting voice? That was my acting voice. So I can see why he's not getting work. He was a man of many passions, but not of many talents. So he was murdered by a demon. It looks like he summoned a demon. I mean, demons are out of our jurisdiction. So it looks like our work here is done. We have here maybe the evidence of a demon. So Milk Lake's girlfriend runs in and she goes, there's got to be more to it than that.
I know he would never summon a demon. He hates demons. He told me that multiple times. I'm sorry. Who are you? I'm Milk Leg's girlfriend. My name is Polonium. Polonium. He never mentioned a Polonium. Well, I never mentioned my wife, you know, but sometimes I do. Yeah. Sometimes people don't talk about their girlfriends. Sometimes I think he was ashamed of me because
Because I'm just a dancing girl in the- Stop talking! Big face guy. Two suspects- She had to squeeze by your enormous cheek to get into this room, too. The entire room rattles. Two suspects should not talk to each other. Okay, you can leave. I look at- Kieran. Kieran, just one more question. Yes? You got any other brothers? No, just the- I just the one, but only not anymore. Trick question, you don't have any brothers. Ha ha!
Yeah, he got you there. It puts a finger to his eye to wipe a tear, and if you notice, it's his middle finger, and he leaves. Well, Kieran, Kieran, if we want more follow-up questions, where can we find you? The policeman says Castle Underhill. We can go to Castle Underhill. Okay, Castle Underhill. You can speak with my lawyers. The law office is fucking off. Very clever. Boys, mouth huddle, please. Okay, all right. Make the noise of your mouth opening. What?
Oh, come on. Sounds like somebody having an orgasm. At the L.A. Philharmonic, a cloud giant opened up its mouth. We walk into your mouth. And I take a comfortable seat on your tongue. Yeah. Like, it's like my... I've grinded two of my molars to make perfect seats for the two of you. Yeah, yeah. They're like armchairs.
It makes it harder to eat, but the comfort of my friends is the most important. There's always food stuck in there? Yeah. A lot of the scale of this is going to make it impossible for people to draw fan art. That's not too big. I'm like 50 feet tall here. Shmug, what's your... You have a big head. Shmug, what's your thought? We should definitely interview the girlfriend, and they should not talk in case they are in cahoots. But secondly, let's check his alibi. If he was in this so-called...
Where was he? I should be able to smell him. He was there for 12 hours. That place should smell nothing but him. That's a good point. Now, here's the other thing I want to do. Before we do that, I love it. Let's take a quick look around the room, see if there's anything. That's what I was thinking. Either of you would like to roll perception, or both of you, if you wish. I'd like to look also specifically up the chimney, see if there's a way in from the chimney. Okay, roll with advantage, Freddy. And the area around the chimney.
That's a 13. Okay, so with a 13, you see that there's nothing up the chimney, but you do see a 70% burnt note in the fireplace. The letters you can make out from it are D-I-T-I-O-N. Pretty interesting. Judging by the condition of this note. D-I-T-I-O-N. I said, judging by the condition of this note.
There's more to it. Detectives, I'd like to postulate. It's slouching towards Faerun by Joan Dishian. I have a detective's little bit of a theory. Is it a special audition theory? I think this man was auditioning for a part. And this part required him to summon a demon. And this demon, in fact, killed him.
Whether or not this was on purpose is yet to be determined, and who sent this note is very important. Oh, oh, oh. Smell this note real good. I can only hold one smell in my nose at once. Great balancing. That's a good balancing mechanic. I like that, man. That's good. Bring the note, and when we are done smelling...
I always want to say Kendall. Kieran. When we're done smelling Kieran, I shall smell the note. All right. Should we check with the girlfriend what he was auditioning for? Perhaps the person who brought the audition to be is the one who did the murdering. Freddie, go ahead and mark something on your sheet. Just a little marker for yourself. Inspiration, basically. You can use that to get another advantage on a roll. Got it. Thank you. That means we're close. Made a good jump. Good logical jump. We should jump in the expeditory.
Well, hold on. We should do it real quick, just to be clear. We already proved it's audition. I know, I know. I'm just in the room. I want to just check a couple quick things. Has the bed been slept in? No. Bed has not been slept in. But has somebody in it?
It looks like it was made for fucking. Somebody turned down the bed. It was made for fucking. The bed was turned down. No one has slept in it as of the last 24 hours. Yes, but turned down for what? For what dark purposes is that turned down?
All right. I'd like to invoke my D&D skill detective sense. Is there any like unfound clues that I or is this room? Or did it play a chant? And then you said, think I better go check out another location. I think I better check the icon for this location on your mini map turned gray.
Like, you've pretty much found what you want. Yeah, we got a letter. We got the sign. And also, to be clear, it does sound like the girlfriend was just a character to just push us. It's not an actual character. Unless was that a feint by Anthony? It wasn't. After our last mystery recording, I have given up on subtlety. So, no, it is not. You're fine. We could check her off. Great. Her name was NPC. Well, we'd like to see this mausoleum where the old king is held.
So you go to the mausoleum and you find big stone statues of dwarves, which are ironic because dwarves are small, I guess. What condition is the mausoleum? You already did condition! Damn it! It's in pretty good condition. It is well kept.
There's also a dwarven tour guide who's with you. He's like, I'm the ambassador sent to talk to the cops. I'm the only one who knows how to talk to cops. So yes, there is a deus there. Ah, a cop talking tradition. That's me, yes. We just, just by tradition, we don't terribly care for cops and I know how to treat you right. And he's massaging your shoulders and he goes, so there's a deus and that's where we put the deceased. And then that little pool down there is where one kneels and then chants for 12 hours straight. I want to enter alone and nobody has been in here since, correct?
How are you in the room? I'm scrolling. How big are you? I'm 20 feet tall. Like if I was laying down on all fours and like squishing through, that could fit through a door. I feel like Matt should have to do an acrobatics check to see if he gets stuck. Like if you're trying to get your whole body in there. Yeah. I see my head in there. Just your head in there. I think you could squeeze it. I think you carry head grease with you all the time. I love the idea that this is going on. And for all of us, it's just like a normal, like, you know, detective thing. But then for Matt, it's like one of those fucking cave.
diving yeah i'm like a spelunker where the guys are like i could just squeeze through this tape squeeze here and you're like watching you're like i can't watch these videos they're so claustrophobic all business in this dwarven undercity has shut down for the day because you're fat ass is just stuck in the middle behind matt every single time there's just like as fast as i can i don't like this anymore we get a lot of traffic and the southbound mine shaft looks like a big
Dummy sick frog goblin. He's got a great big ass. All right. I just want to know, has anybody else been in here? No. Kieran brought in his father, and then he left with his father after the 12 hours. So as far as I know, nobody else has been in here. Okay. I stick my head in. I just take a big old whiff. Okay. Give me a roll with advantage because you locked his scent in. The one non-dog character. First one's 18. Let's see if I get better than that.
17. Ooh, this Google. Thank you, Google. You have a very faint whiff of Kieran.
nowhere near as strong as it should be if he had been in here for 12 hours. Detectives, he was not in here for 12 hours. How many hours was he in here for? Less. That's all I can say, but definitely less. Like, a lot less. With an 18, we'll say that. Not like an error, like, ooh, was it actually 11? Like, he was, like, telling the truth, but lying. But, like, 10 minutes, maybe. Like, an hour to 10 minutes, I would say. Or there was, like...
an article of clothing that was in here for like 12 hours, but not the actual person. But that would still be he wasn't in here. Yeah, either way, you could tell because your 18 was so high, he was probably only in here for 5-10 minutes. Dwarven guard, what should we call you? You can call me my name. Yes. As Esme.
- Ez-ez-ma. - Ez-ez-ma, yeah, like you're stuttering, ez-ma. - Ez-ez-ma, quick question. No way in, no way out of this chamber. - Well, I mean, there's a door. - Oh my god, look at that! - That's how we got inside. - Holy shit! - But now there's no way in or no way out. - Yes, now that your big face is blocking it, there's no way in or out, correct.
Seal tight. Please stop sucking up all the oxygen. Now, Kieran said that they lock you in here. He said that. Is that true? Yes, but we give the key to the person inside just in case of any accident so they don't suffocate. Like an escape room. Hmm.
Yeah, there's essentially a button on the wall. There's a button when you're done grieving and you're not quite ready yet and you have to go to the bathroom really bad. Or a sensory deprivation chamber. Or a sensory deprivation chamber. Yes. Hey, quick question. We do not leave the person inside with no way of leaving. They're supposed to be in here for 12 hours. Where do they go to poop? I mean, they fast before. We use the corner.
And I, he points at the most horrifying corner you've ever seen in your entire life. I squeeze in past, um, the fog giant. I just, you're talking to just me, by the way, if you squeeze it in past me, that means you're in the room staring at my face and everybody else is behind me. You can hear their muffled voices. Nobody else went into the room. Like nobody else is in the room. My head. Oh,
Well, then I don't go in the room. I just approach. Stop talking. Let me turn around so I can hear you too. And I right myself so that my butt is now sticking through the room and my face is where everybody is. Wait, so you go all the way into the room and then stick your butt out? That's why I hear you. Talking to my butt. Your head was in. Now you pulled your head out. Yes. There's a corner with a pot in it. It's not very pretty, but, you know, business is business. And, you know, we dwarves are all about business. It must be done sometimes.
So you won't mind if I need to right now? I don't think we have a pod big enough for you, Mike. No, no, no, no, no, as Esmo says. I believe you might kill... You might try the bottomless pit down at the bottom of the mountain. There's sort of a Mount Vesuvius situation I foresee happening if you were to take a dump down here. Jurassic Park. Yeah. That is one big pile of shit.
Detectives, I didn't know you were stopping by today. Yes, why are you here? It's still today, though. Yeah, it took you 12 hours to get here. Well, I still didn't know you were stopping by today. So it took you about six hours to get from the Neutral Milk Hotel back to Castle Underhill. Oh, wow, so we're far away. Yeah, it was six hours from Neutral Milk Hotel to Castle Underhill. You, sir, are nothing but a lying older brother cloud. The two worst things you could be. I
I'm neither a clown nor an older brother. I'm a younger brother. Whatever do you mean, detective? I smelled you and I smelt this room and you were not in here for 12 hours. Explain yourself. Yeah, you keep this up, you might find yourself on the road to perdition. God. God damn it.
Is that what this is about? Oh, I have a very simple explanation for that. As I told you at the hotel, I've been wearing this new cologne, you see, and I put it on this morning, so that's why I smell different than I smelled last night. Oh, I wish we could go back in time and you could smell me when I was mourning my dead father, but we have a new tradition where after a death like that, new you, new scent, and we put on a new scent in the morning, so I smell different than I did. I do not.
Believe you. That does not fly. Let me take a look around the mausoleum. Be my guest. I'd be happy to give you a tour of the mausoleum. I don't need a tour. I can just use my own senses. So let's let Beth go ahead and investigate the mausoleum if you like. Sure. Or we could maybe split up, handle...
several locations at once. We could, but no matter what, we're just going to be doing scenes one after another, so if you just want to ensure you're not around for somebody's scene, that's a thing you could do. That's fair, that's fair. All right, I'm going to take a look around. Why do you always want to leave us? Just like a cloud drifting away. Why would you just stay? I'm just thinking about my wife and my kid. Give me a roll. They left me.
Fuck. A three. All right. With a three, you can't tell whether or not you have all the clues from here. Sometimes I feel like I'm not working with all the clues. Not to call it bullshitty on Will's defense, but I feel like I would have known it was like a cologne smell. How can I roll against-
We can't have such scandals happening to our new monarch before he's even been sworn in. I would be happy to have you smell my clean, naked body if that would help you. Sure, go. Okay, very well. Where do I go? How do I do that? Dude, get naked. Why are you ashamed of your body? No, you go into the mausoleum by yourself, and then there's a giant head that...
staring at you as you take off your clothes and sniffs you. Yeah, yeah, this sounds great. Well, we're going to catch a murderer and a pervert in the same episode then. Very well. But they might not be the same person. I strip naked and let you smell me. I have nothing to hide. But you're not, you haven't washed the cologne off, so it's like, it doesn't. Yes. I've rolled 18 three times in a row. I just want to be like, I mean, yeah, I smell your naked body. Yeah, like that says, he hasn't washed the cologne off yet, so you're still just getting a lot of the cologne, but you can tell through whatever subterfuge he's trying to do that he was only in this room for about 10 minutes.
until now mouth huddle okay that's we just want to talk to you three so that with an 18 I also tell you that's basically the last clue you need in the mausoleum I think we
We should not let him know that we don't know or that we do know, but he was definitely still only here for five or ten minutes. Let's go somewhere else. Let's play it slow. Okay, let's play it cool. Why don't you say that we believe him? Okay, all right, I'll come back. I don't understand, detective, if you're saying that I've only been here, there's only one door in and out, and nobody saw me leave. Okay, so I lied. There's one more clue for you to find.
No one saw me. I walked in while thousands of my people, my followers, my vassals, who were mourning the death of my father, they watched me go in and then they saw me leave 12 hours later. You know what? I'm going to take another look. Yeah, go ahead. I want to examine that poop corner. Fuck, I won. Like, I gave all my luck to Matt, I guess. I guess so. I'd like to look at that poop corner. Yeah, examine poop corner.
All right. So with a seven, the stank of it is overwhelms you. And you can tell there's more than just poop there, but your squeamishness prevents you from getting any closer. Take a look at that poop corner. Love to. How big is this place? Like,
like i can't stand up in here 20 feet tall no use for it isn't like a mausoleum dwarves but it's a mausoleum you could stand up if you could fit your whole body in but you'd have to break those doors i will say to matt's point like a human the minds of mario yeah an entire balrog in it so i do feel like if he wants to stand up in here all right probably like it's like a chamber that's like built to be three stories for dwarves i should like i can crawl the point is i want to i want to sniff for fresh air or any other exit okay go for it let me light this yankee candle all around
And if you can detect the scent of this Yankee candle... If we make fog, then we can see if the fog exits. I shall plug this room to be airtight. That's how much you care about solving crimes. You'll meet your enemy, the cloud, on the ground. Or just smoke. Did you have a special fog orifice that your fog comes out of? No, I'm just a giant that lives in fog. I don't have
There's actually nothing foggy about them. Yeah, but if we plug the... I've got cigarettes. If I plug the hole in them, we just make some smoke. We should be able to see the smoke. Oh, cigarettes. Yeah, yeah, cigarettes. Go in there and smoke. I'm a detective. Yeah, you two detectives do a bunch of smoking while I clog this room up. So you're both just... A cigarette in each finger. Just like stogies. And we're just seeing where it exits. Cigarette. Great. That's awesome. Bob Marley.
It's just anything we can smoke. You name it, we got it. You don't have to roll for that because that's a really good idea. Yeah, you plug the hole and then you see all the smoke start slowly start drifting and whispering past the poop corner into a crack in the wall. I knew there was something in the poop corner. And that crack in the wall, once you manipulated it, it turns out to be a door that you can open and go to a singer. Once you stick just the right amount of fingers in there to stimulate the door, it opens up and you see that there's a secret passage.
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Where does the secret passage lead? The secret passage leads to outside. Does the secret passage smell like our boy? Give me one more roll. It's going to be hard to smell that over the stench of 18,000 cigarettes. It's amazing realizing that if Columbo could just smell real good, he doesn't need to steal my mind at all. I got 19. Yes, he definitely went through here.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's make sure our cases are tight. So what you know thus far is that Kieran was in here for maybe five minutes, then left. Yeah.
And you know that the brother seemingly on memory stone summoned a demon and died to the demon's hands. Yeah. Okay. I feel like we should still play it cool and not tell him that. I agree. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. Columbo doesn't often go, hey, I found this thing out. Hey, check this out. A clue. Just one more thing. Halfway through the episode. Yeah. Sir, I'm sorry we smoked up your mausoleum. Yes, you'll be getting the bill for ruining all these many ancient tapestries with your smoke damage. We believe you are indeed innocent.
And you're no cloud. So I'm going to do. Can I roll to sense if I believe him or not? Okay. I got natural 20. Okay. You know for sure that they suspect you more than ever. Well, well, well, I'm so glad to hear I've been cleared of suspicion. I hope you can lay this matter. Both of you are just grimacing at each other. Just thank you. I, you are a good sir. I'm sorry for any trouble detective who I respect. Hmm.
I can't wait for the rest of your day to go swimmingly. Likewise. I hope nothing horrible happens to you or your friends. The other locations you can check out are the library, the sleeping quarters. Just a question from the note, the partially burned up note. Do I get any sense it's handwritten, something about the ink, anything about the note? It is handwritten. Handwritten. Anything special about the ink color? As far as you can tell, it's normal ass ink. Sir, before you leave, can you just sign this note saying we did a good job? What?
LAUGHTER
You only have to say a good job just so that this matter is concluded. I feel like because you get a natural 20, that it's up to you whether you want to do that or not, Will. Ah, yes, I'd be happy to. And I take the piece of paper and I pull out my signet ring and I say, this is as good as a king's handshake. Many, many people, in fact, can forge a king's handwriting, but only one person has this signet ring. And so I dip it in wax and I seal it.
And just remember, anybody can forge anyone's handwriting. So if you see handwriting, it's not conclusive proof of anything. But just for the halibut, let's see your rendition. I knew it!
I knew Randition was coming. I didn't realize that you were of such a suspicious nature, detective. If you were a dwarf, I'd have you locked up for sedition. Oh, that works too. Yeah.
Or should we go next? Let's look at the... What's the sleeping quarters like? Kieran's sleeping quarters? Sleeping quarters are basically just rooms side by side by side by side by side by side for everybody who sleeps there. Including Kieran? Including Kieran. We do dorm style down here. Like you don't have a better dorm? All dwarves are equal. Except for the king who's special. Except for the king who has nicer stuff. Okay. All right. So when you head down into the dorms, you see all the names are on the doors. There's one called Kieran and then the door next to him opens up and a little old lady dwarf comes out stroking her beard and she goes, oh...
Oh, what a big boy. Oh, what a big boy. Oh, excuse me. I got to go off to market. Not so fast, lady. What do you want to ask me? So, did you see anything suspicious here last night? See? You got any, like, memory stones or, like... Well, everybody's got memory stones down here. That's what we mine. That's what we're known for. Classic. I didn't see anything. I mean, I've...
Well, that's probably nothing. Oh. Oh. What's probably nothing? We want a waterboard. We happen to be... Hard cut. Okay, well, all you had to do was ask me a second time. All you had to do was ask me a second time. Yesterday... Fucking McGruff the Crackpot with a fucking sparklets thing, like Benicio Del Toro and Sicario. Oh, God. Um...
So she goes, Yes, I barge into the room. The day that I say, who waterboarded my grandmother? The day that the king died. Excuse me, grandmother, don't speak to these people. I'll have, get out of my kingdom. You can't torture a denizen of my kingdom. It's not torture. We're just asking some questions.
Yeah, and if she doesn't tell us... We're the help of our good friend H2O. And if she doesn't tell us, then, like, she went through that for nothing. So, like...
This is getting dark. Zero dark 30. The three of you are hereby banished from Dwarf Kingdom, and you shall be killed on sight if ever ye lays foot in my kingdom again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a coronation to attend. Come, Grandmama. She goes, okay, grandson, I suppose. Thanks for coming, though. Thanks for waterboarding me. Turns out I love it. Turns out it's not offensive and sad because I love it. It's my favorite thing. Yeah.
Yes, wait, why are you so offended? Ask your grandma if she'd rather go to your coronation or have the time of her life getting waterboarded. I bid thee good day. They'll have drinks at the coronation. Okay, when she leaves, we want to search for her diary where she wrote this down. Okay, great. Give me a roll to see if you can avoid the guards, I'm assuming, that are going to be behind the king in tow to try to get you out.
I got three. Well, as he leaves, I look at the guards. He goes, that order doesn't mean anything until he becomes king. So we're going to keep doing our job. Well, I mean, it does count. He is acting king. I'm bigger than you. Okay, well, you're not wrong there. So try to stop me then. Oh, boy. We will solve this crime no matter what because we care about who killed...
Poor boy, whose name I forget. I don't have to care about them. I just do my job and I solve crimes. In fact, I have to not care because if I cared, then every case I failed would burn me. Burn me like the case of who stole my treasure when I was a cloud giant. I can't say anymore. Oh, God. Look at what you've done to him. I'm sorry.
seen him like this in years. You know, I love that we're laying in these like season long mysteries. Okay. So, you know, that fog giants are just cloud giants that lost their treasure and they get demoted. No, that's true. That's in the books.
I didn't know that. And I never found out who stole my treasure, even though I think it was my older brother, which is why I hate clowns and older brothers. And I will not let this crime go unanswered.
So can you leave? I will once I solve this crime. Let me roll to see if I can, like, sleight of hand the diary out of... Yeah, the diary that we all just sort of decide to just... As I'm screaming and yelling and distracting this person. 15. Hell yeah. So with a 15, you find the diary. The system's rigged against defendants. That's all I'm going to say. So you find the diary, and it reads...
Good day, except for the 12 hours of nonstop chanting I heard in the room nearby to me. I tried to knock on the door, but it didn't seem to do much good. I was waved away by my grandson, who seems to have very little respect for me, but he's a sweet boy otherwise. Now I'm off to go watch my stories. Talk to you later, diary. Love you. And then a lipstick imprint.
I have a plan. Here, here's what we'll do for you two to get in. Okay, guard, you told us lead the way to exit. Okay, follow me. And then you two squeeze behind me. I'm going to pretend to get stuck. So the guards on one side of me, on the one side of me, and then you two are on the other side. I mean, you can go investigate the room where the chanting happened.
Oh, I'm trying so hard to move. Oh, I'm so sorry. My two compatriots are behind me. Yeah, what we got here is a thick boy. Keep pushing, guys. Help me out. Oh, no. Go get the kingdom's bucket of grease. Lube. Oh, please don't say lube. Why? It's a thing you use to get things to go through things better. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah, we'll get the grease and the lube. Oh, God. And they go get to the... I'm allergic to silicone. Oh, God.
That's what they all say. That's what they all say. Bullshit. We use water-based lube anyway. Yeah.
So they go off to the fire department to get some water-based lube. The fire department? Yeah, the fire, if you get your finger stuck in a, you know, something. We shall go to Kai, the lube smith. Okay. Make sure you knock before you go to the lube smith. Knock, you give him a good 35 seconds, and then go in. Okay, so I'm gonna- Every time the lube smith opens the door, he's like wiping his hands off on his- I'm just making it! Stop looking!
I know what you all use it for. I'm just making it. Your hands get greasy. Okay. So on the other side of the big boy, what do you want to invest in? What was the room next door? There was a bunch of chanting coming from, I'm assuming, Kieran's room. Yeah. But there's also another room next door.
door yeah we should check both yeah okay okay we check the non kieran's room there's a crimson fish inside oh my god yo fish it's not me fair enough close the door i need to use this lube i just bought from k from kai from kai ky okay good just make sure we go in the kieran's room in kieran's room roll
Investigation. 18. I love this dice. All right. So in 18, you find a bunch of stuff that doesn't seemingly matter that much. And then you find one thing that really jumps out at you, which is a little knife that appears to be made of the same substance as the memory stones that you've been seeing. Oh,
A memory stone. And then you see a bunch of spare memory stones if you wanted to use them. Yes, we're going to grab one. Okay. How do these work? Who are you asking? To myself. Go talk to the fish. They might know. Oh, I knock on the fish. What is it? Are you jacking off in there? Yeah. Quick question. Not anymore. Hell yeah, brother. How do you use these things? Oh, it's simple. You just depress the button in the middle. You talk and you record yourself and then you press it again when you're done. And if you want to edit it afterwards, you need a final cut.
This is like, so it's like the talk boy. It's like a talk boy, but yeah. Can I speed it up and slow down the playback? No. That's fucking not like the talk boy at all. But no, that's what I, you caught everything I said, right? While you were making your goofs? Yes. Okay. What about this little knife that looks like a- Yeah, that's a final cut. Oh.
So you could use that knife. Oh, I can't talk. Oh, wait. So we use this with knives. Can you hear through your ass? Nope. I don't know, Matt. Let's find out. Roll. No, no. Use the knife. Ah, the memory may have been edited. Oh.
he was chanting in here and use that as the memory stone and cut that in instead. Because wait, I play back the recording of him chanting. And it's like, I assume in my head, it's like in star Wars when she's like, Oh, help me. I'll be one. Can they be in my own? There's no background Z depth. You know what I'm saying? There's no background. Yeah. Look at this could be shot anywhere. Look closely at it. This could be anywhere.
This could be green screen. Give yourself another point for inspiration that anyone can use. No, only I can because I'm a good detective. I'm settling into my voice finally. Same voice you almost always do.
Listen here, you little kid. I'm stepping into my voice. My special Freddy voice. Settling in to what I sound like. So where are the other places we can look? The library. So we essentially have... Do I get to do anything to derail them? You can always be near them and trying to like... It feels like a Columbo protagonist where you're just like, well, that's this other thing that is an excuse to stay away. Oh, that's a final cut knife, I say, leaning in the doorway. How did you get in there? You're not...
I'm not here. How do you know I'm here? I mean, which room? How did you enter my butt? Okay. I was on the side. He was on this side when you stopped it. Okay. That's a final cut to knife. Ah, yes. We use these to hew memory stones and cut them out of the living rock.
Cool. All right, let's go to the library. So you can follow them, obviously. Oh, the library. I'd love to give you a guided tour. You know, some books are for the public to see. Don't you have a coronation to go to? So the librarian adjusts his glasses and he goes, ah, back again. Ah. Yes. So, you were here earlier. I'm the king. Of course I was here earlier. Somebody likes to read. You're not the king yet. I'm the acting king. Check out this fucking nerd. Acting.
I thought your brother was the acting king. It's too soon to make jokes like that. Hey, who killed your wife, by the way? Was it you? The werewolf? You ever think about that one, detective?
I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe your wife and son, you know, they were ripped apart by, I'd just say, I don't know. Librarian. I'm just putting my own theories out. Librarian, what should we call you? I don't know what you're talking about. You may call me Libra. Libra. Ah, yes. Libra is one of our oldest institutions around here. Her memory can be a bit foggy, so you can't entirely trust what she says. I love it when people talk about how old I am. It's a badge of pride for me. Also, there's nothing you can trust more than fog.
Because I'm a fog giant. You're not here. What? You're still stuck, dude. You're still stuck, ding dong. Oh, they didn't lube me up yet? If they had, they would have thrown you out. Okay, we said we'd throw... Oh, wait, so I get thrown out, but these two don't get thrown out. They were on the other side. We were on the way. Your plan worked, and now you're resenting your plan. I will allow you to inspect the library until your giant friend gets delubed and kicked out of the door, but then you really must go. All right.
All right. All right, all right. I can direct you to this section of the library. We go to the section that he's not directing us towards. Okay. What's over here? Investigate books. Can I do a... I do a hard investigation, though. Can I do a counter roll to like... Try to beat an 18th fucker.
I got an eight. Okay, so you find a bunch of books. This one is, by luck with your 18, happened to show up in the how-to section, and you find a variety of how-to books. Here's my how-to book that I wrote, How to Be a Wonderful Dwarven Prince Whose Father Doesn't Love Him Enough and Who Should Really Be King Someday. Would you like me to autograph it for you? You know, having the autograph of a king is quite a... Actually, no, no, no. Sign it out with your name.
name no we don't want so there are dozens and dozens of books if you want to find one you're gonna have to give me something to narrow down the search i arrogantly sign my name because i just i already committed to that and as i was saying and i realized that would be giving you guys handwriting samples so i just i kind of try to do a shitty job with it bad dude you sign with the other hand can i roll to sign it bad yes i signed it with my other hand freddie and bet just friend just just kill him
Kill him. And then we prove an absolute fact. Apologize after. Not like that. Tell him that nobody's going to find out that you killed him because you're just going to edit. Oh, that's a good point. You're going to edit somebody else killing him. We have our... Wait, do you realize, Beth? That's like saying you could kill somebody because you own Final Draft and an iPhone. That's how you did it. No, I can kill someone because I'm a cop.
Well done. Here, fine. I'm going to roll for something. Ideally, tell me what it is before you do it. Yeah, I want to be like, oh, hey, guard, the boys on the other side, they're helping me out this way. They're doing a good job. They're pulling my tail. They're moving me backwards. I don't have a tail. They're pulling my legs. So I'm going to start scooting backwards so I can go to the library. They said they got it. Okay, give me a roll. Well, at least I know what kind of book I'm looking for. Is it How to Be in Denial About Murdering Your Wife and Son? I got a natural one.
I got natural one. All right. Natural one, they pull you out easily out of the front. So basically now there is a clear entry into the rest of the kingdom for them. So you get one more thing you can do in the library. One thing you can look for before the guys are going to capture you and escort you out of the kingdom. Go ahead. We have two people. We'll go in different directions. We'll split. Okay. You say yours first. I'll say mine. In fact, we'll say it at the same time for maximum difficulty of listening.
I'm looking for a how-to book on how to disguise yourself as a demon. How to fucking summon demons. Okay. So you find a book on how to disguise yourself that looks like it was made for babies. It's really old. It's got a lot of dust on it. Freddie, you find a book called How to Summon Demons for the Novice. There's no dust on it. It looks like it was recently checked out. Wait a second. Detective, I think you're onto something. I want to look at the little card. You know what I'm saying? Like they were like high school elementary? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I opened the front cover. And I look at the card. You see that he signed the card and that his real handwriting is on there. And it matches the one on the note. Well, I want to keep this all concealed. And I want to palm off that. That feels like a role for sure. For sure. Absolutely. I want to keep it concealed and I'm going to play it cool.
Well, I got a natural one. That's a six. All right. Your six beats a natural one. So you managed to conceal it. Here's what I do. I go, and then I lick it up. The card, it sticks to my tongue. Okay. So it's hiding in your mouth. Yeah. Well, I guess we can't find anything. You know, that's so interesting. Oh, look, it looks like this. The card is missing. The card is missing. It looks, wait a second, Detective. I'm just having this new thought. What if my brother's death wasn't an accident? Yes.
Maybe he was dabbling with demons. Maybe he checked out this book. Maybe he was wondering how to disguise himself for babies. Laughter
What if he was trying to check out this book? That would explain why the last name Underhill would be on the library card. Oh, if only we had it. Having complete confidence that my two friends solved it. Am I outside now? You shot out onto the other side, not where the library is. So you can go through. I just want to call the detective. Detective! A reverberant... Not detective, but police officer. So the police officer from the first scene goes, yeah, yeah, what's up? Bring whoever... Six hours later, he goes...
Yeah, whatever's important, stay right here. I think there'll be a show for you soon. Okay. Soon. Just be patient. I'll wait in the throne room. That feels like a dramatic place to wait. Oh, can I come? Yeah, sure. Great. The dwarves try to stop you from going, but the cop goes, hey, this is cop business. We can trust him. I leave a note.
On the ground where I was, because you guys weren't told we were going to go to the throne room. I'd say, hey, come to the throne room. We go back to where you were. Where did he go? You see him do this as he went to the throne room. Listen, detective hightire of these games, I have a coronation to attend. We'll come with you. Yep. Come with me. We're just here to support you, bro. Well, as long as you have given up your foolish insinuations that I murdered my brother, that I would like to have you as my honored guest at my coronation. Oh, great. Sounds like an honor. Hard cut to the coronation. Dun, da-da-dun, da-da-dun.
I'm sitting on that throne. Oh, my wife and kid would love this. This would be such a great show if only they weren't dead. So you're sitting on the throne? I guess we're enjoying the coronation. That's the moment you...
No. The coronation's happening. You're in the back. I'm sitting. Towering over the rest of the guests. I'm on all fours. I'm kind of like an arch. All right. So he's. Acting King Kieran Underhill emerges looking glorious in his golden crown and his long flowing robes and his scepter. And he makes the long walk up and he thinks to himself, yes, finally, my moment, my glorious moment. It's all coming together. And.
And no one can stop me. The head steward raises his ceremonial hammer. He's about to bonk you on both shoulders to knight you as king, to knight you as king, to grant you king. And just as the hammer begins to come down...
What happened? No, we're gonna let that, no, no, no. You want to wait for him to become king? It'd be so dope to fuck him. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. I just go, stop. Okay, fine, fine. No, no, I said stop. I said stop. Okay. And he goes, stop. The entire room shakes. And they go, oh, what is the meaning of this? Interrupt. It's the fucking scene from The Graduate where it's the guy in the back like, he's 90 feet tall or whatever. That's so much scarier at the end of The Graduate if it's Dustin Hoffman and he's 90 feet tall. I need to eat her.
All right, what are you interrupting for? Well, as the police officer here knows, we have solved the murder. And we thought you would love to know who killed your brother before you became king. I would love to. Please. I have nothing to hide. These detectives, these outsiders, these interlopers want to deny the ancient dwarven right of a king's ascension. What's
say you, my dwarven people? Shall we throw them out of this hall and cast these outsiders aside? And I make a kingly persuasion on all of my... I was gonna say, give me a roll. 16. So the 16, they're like, yeah, interlopers, that one's so big, he farted and my son died. I... I have apologized. And I promise...
Still hurts. Say your apologies and get the hence. Well, before we go. Mouth huddle really quick. Okay.
Oh my god. We detectives have that chance to talk to each other. I thought you solved it. I thought you solved it too. Let's all get up to speed. Seems like you guys really got out over your skis on this one. Alright, let's get just real quick. Let's get you all up to speed. Hey guys, I don't think I've solved it yet. Because here's the problem. Here's what we have. We have evidence that he checked out a book on demons. It's a free country. You can read about demons all you want. We know that his brother died
And there's a hand-wring sample that matches. But how did he get...
This is why you stick to dog crimes. It cannot be more obvious. We have video of him chanting. Here, compare the video of him chanting. Does it sound exactly like the video of the chanting that's in the other room? While you guys are doing this, I've summoned my guards to drag you out the front door while you're all in his mouth. I know. I'm aware of what's happening outside of my mouth. LAUGHTER
Oh my God. What did you say? It's not like when I talk to people in my mouth, I go into like a fucking Zen state and become unaware of the outside world.
I would know that was happening. Mad as in Fog Giant is, I think, my new favorite character. It's a really good mad character. It's so good. My men are busy hog tying you and dragging you out. We have the solution, sorry. Okay, let's just all go. Okay, that's fine. I just didn't see. You're going to get one shot at this and I'm having my dwarven crossbow snipers cut you all down. You have one shot to do the parlor scene and you can all piggyback off of one another and interrupt. Lay out.
How the murder happens and why he did it and all that kind of stuff is a group. It all has to be one sentence. The scene of the crime. You have to do it word by word as one sentence. We project the memory stone of the murder. Here is our poor victim being murdered by a demon.
Correct. Everyone see this? And they go, oh, that's horrible. But yes, it is a demon murdering a good old milk leg. Fear not. Do not be concerned about demons, for things do not... They do exist, but not here. Because... Demons do exist, but not... They do. Demons do exist, but this is not a case of demon. This is a case of... Well, that's the end of the episode. Not a case of demon. Fracture side.
Okay. Doggo, show the video of somebody else saying similar enchantments and demon speak. Look at this. And this stone that I've had that I've been recording this whole time allows me to play back. I heard chanting from the room next to mine. And it cuts to like her room and it pans right. Kieran's room. Then we got footage of Kieran chanting, right? And we're like, note that this has been edited. Found next to a little knife of memory. Yes, he had.
One of the final cuts. Now, you- There's no reason why. I'm the king of the dwarves on that mountain. Ah, but at the time, you were not. Ah.
Okay, I'm still a prince. You're saying a lot of evidence, but can you put together the statement, the events as they happened? Can you walk me through the murder as it happened? Yes, yes. Young child dwarf, four-year-old. You are a smart one, aren't you? Don't worry, young kid. It's me. I'm the guy from the John Mulaney special. We will be tying it all together into a neat little bow so even your little head can understand this. Yes, I'm very dumb. I need it spelled out for me. So, the king dies, right? Right. Maybe a little bit.
under suspicious circumstances. We weren't really checking out that day. You didn't hire us for that. It should have. Yeah. So, Kieran allegedly goes
goes into his little mausoleum. Before that, though, there's a scene that happens in the library. You see your current regent so jealous. Look at his book. This book is called How He Really Wants to Be King and How He Should Be King, and now he doesn't like his station in life, and he's going to be king. Damn, I shouldn't have shown you that book. Shouldn't have written this book, you fool. He even know how to grasp it. Is it a crime to write a book? No, it's not a crime. Thank you. No, you're right. Unless you're Tom Clancy.
They hate Tom Clancy in this kingdom. Okay, and so then... And let me remind you that all three of you are in clear and present danger. Could you not be able to get the goods on me? Not being able to watch you get coronated is the sum of all of our fears. Continue. And then in the library, you see, he's checked out a book. Your king, your current king, well, not your king, has checked out a book. So what? A book, big deal. And the book is how to summon demons for dummies. Oh, wait, what? No, that's crazy. And look at this. Ooh!
And I spit up the evidence. I go, ah, ah, you're a hairball. I got the evidence. Yeah, you got to prove that he checked that book out. How do we know? Look at this. And there's the card with his name and his kingly signature. Oh, shit. That is his name and his signature. But that's not my handwriting. This is my handwriting. And I show the autographed book that I handed to Beth. And then I hold it up to a mirror. And it's the same handwriting as the red. That's exactly how that works. Wait, what?
Well, when you write with your left hand is backwards. But if you put it in the mirror. Oh, my God. I forgot that that's a thing towards you. Complete gibberish. But okay, keep going. The audience is like, we don't really buy that part, but keep going. It's like a Christopher Nolan-esque clue where it's like, oh, you put a mirror up to it. So I guess it works. Just keep moving. And inside the room where the poor child was emulated and killed, we found a piece of paper with the word. Dishon. Dishon.
Dishon, what does that stand for? I'm thinking maybe it means audition. But what it says is not as important as who said it with the writing. And the person who wrote it, look, the handwriting is the same. And as we all know, there's only one thing that can lure an aspiring actor to a shady location. And...
One more thing for you all to understand is this man told us he was in the chamber for 12 hours and he was not. He was. We heard him. No. I smelt him and his smell was only there for 5 or 10 minutes. And there's a secret passage where his smell was there for also 5 or 10 minutes because it doesn't take too long to go through a secret passage. Well, how did we hear him? Well, there's a video recording. You see, ah, the old lady. You testified that there was a... You heard the chanting. Grandma, no. Don't sell me out. But... What? And she looks at you and her face drops. She goes...
My little boy, you didn't. I did hear him chanting for 12 hours beforehand in the comfort of his own room. That's called raw material for editing. Now, I'll be honest with you all. That is a lot of evidence. And frankly, young child, I look back at the four-year-old, you're right. We're not the best at our jobs.
But if you were to have all that evidence, what is your conclusion? So simple even a child could piece it together.
So what I'm going to say is you got three pieces of pretty good evidence. You got the signature, you got the audition thing, and you got the fake recording. So I'm going to roll three times. And he was, and that he was, I guess, and those people believe I don't smell, but, and that he was in the mausoleum. Okay, great. So I'm going to lower the difficulty based on how many of those clues you got and then modify that also based on how good your explanation of the crime is. Well, that's not good.
I rolled a natural one. He gets away. I'm joking. I'm joking. He's a kid. Yeah. So the kid goes, I guess I'd throw him in jail. But since he's the king, I guess that means we got to hang him. Ah, but sir, I have a... Wait, what? He's not king yet, though. Oh, yeah. It didn't happen yet. You interrupted. Oh, good. So he just goes to jail. Great.
No, I don't. And then I grab my grandmother and I pull out the king ceremonial dagger and I say, I've got one more D-I-T-I-O-N word for you. Extradition. And then both of us. All right, we're going to say what we do at the same time. Ready? Three, two, one. I pour water into the giant's mouth and then I waterboard them both. While I unload all 15 rounds of my Beretta 92 FS. Wait.
Great. So the last feelings he feels go through his body are a lot of water up his nose and then 15 bullets through his skull. But the grandma is fine. Grandma's fine. Except for being waterboarded because she loves it. Because she loves it. I understand this because this is happening in my mouth. So wait, what's happening is you've pulled the king in. I pour a bunch of water so that you can like waterboard them all at once. From a distance. You can long distance waterboard them. The long con waterboard. So I'm spinning.
Yes, you start spitting it out. And as he gets blown back by the fire hose. Like Kramer in UHF. Yes, like Kramer in UHF. Oh, no, here's what it does. It's the water knocks the grandma out of the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you've got to clean your shit. Keep spitting. I don't need to fire a gun because here's the thing, right? You already said you're firing your beranda. No, no, no, no. I hold my fire because you know what happens. I'll tell you exactly what happens, though, Will. That's happening. No, no, no, it's okay. It's all the crime. Why are you blowing?
You play out bread in the dog. No, check this out. Check this out. No, no, no. Check this out. Everybody agree to put him in prison. No, check this out though because you spit so much it forms, right? Water in underground caverns
fucking flows through it, it pulls him into the bottomless pit where he falls for a brother. Okay, that's fun. That's decently fun. I mean, I had a whole thing where I'd be like, oh, the opening was an axe and a brain and then there's bullets in my brain, like stones in my brain. What an ironic way to die. But no, I guess it fell into a bottomless pit. So you, Lister, get to choose which of those endings you think is more dramatically appropriate. Call 1-900-WHO-DAD-IT today to get your ending.
Does anybody want to say something pithy with which we could cut to credits? I think we need to have a little scene of us in the tavern just outside going over our little... Yeah, you're back at your home tavern outside of your detective agency. You also got fired as cops because you waterboarded somebody, so now you're just a... You're just a private detective. You're just private detectives now. You're not cops anymore. I feel like your office is his mouth and then your... Your office is his mouth?
He just has like fucking fax machines and desks in there. It's a traveling office. And then you go for drinks in his butt after. The one thing we agreed on when we started this case was you are not going to bring your Beretta. Why does every case, whether we solve it or not, end with you shooting the suspect? The cops also took your Beretta. That was a cop gun. Oh, you know, I just got one. I got to use it. They give you 15 bullets. And it felt like I had...
the end and I didn't shoot any of my 15 bullets. My name is Dan Granger. Dan Ranger. No, Dan Granger. I looked up a cop name generator and it was like Dan Granger. I'm like, that sounds like a cop name. And I'm Detective Doggo. Dan. Yeah, what's up? Maybe the next case we solve is who murdered your wife and kids because we don't know who did it. We have no idea. We have no idea. Believe me, we all agree that nobody, don't worry. I woke up and they were dead. Somebody kicked open the door to your mouth.
Which I assume, like, two of your teeth are like the little, like, western doors. Now they push through it like fucking Aragorn. Yeah, they push through, yeah, they open your teeth and they go, guys, guys, I've got another case for you. What? Cut to credits. We'll take it.
Hey, it's May. Nami needs you to solve mental illness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone busts in and they're Nami. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cop busts in and he goes, I'm just having a really rough day. Oh, well, wouldn't you like to know that if you're having a rough day or a rough month or a rough life, there is help available. And it's not from us. Not from us. Go to professionals. Yes. I don't know any. Oh,
Don't worry. You can call 988 anytime you are in crisis or go to NAMI. That's the National Alliance. Kieran Underhill steps out from back behind the UV line. He's like, hi, it's me, Kieran Underhill. We had a lot of fun today on this murder investigation. But you know what's not a joke is mental health. And you should be aware of it. Yeah.
And don't do anything about it. Just be aware. Just be aware. You should be aware. And help is out there for you. And I'm here with TV's Beth May, and she's going to tell you more information after this. Yeah, NAMI has resources available in your local area, probably in the U.S. Check with your local NAMI affiliate. I'll leave you with this, which is kind of like a serious thing.
I just want everybody to know that things can be like really objectively hopeless and then still get better. You can come back from this. NAMI is N-A-M-I dot org. Check out their website, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. NAMI can help you on your condition. You did condition three times. Fuck my life.
And you can support NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, directly.
At NAMI.org, this extra bonus episode blesses your timeline in support of NAMI and Mental Health Awareness Month. So head on over to NAMI.org, take a look at all the great stuff that they do. And if you're feeling inclined, do a little donation. There's a button on their website to donate. And because it's Mental Health Awareness Month, it's also Mental Health Awareness XXP Weekend.
as a concept, not as a weekend. It's the whole month. But there's a lot of organizations that are partnering with NAMI that will match your donations in kind. So, you know, now is the time to get more bang for your buck to help out a charity that we're all big fans of here on the podcast. Our Twitter is at Dungeons and Dads. Our website is DungeonsandDaddies.com. Our merch is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Subreddit, Dungeons and Daddies. We return to our regularly scheduled programming next week, May 23rd. We will see you then. ♪♪
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