Perfectly Kelsey Part 1: From Chaos to CEO
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Dude, that is fucking iconic. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Don Blonde. Today, I have

one of my most requested guests besides Demps on the podcast. Everybody wants to know the tea and I do believe that she's here to spill it. So we're going to definitely be sipping some fucking tea. But Kelsey Pummel, what's up, baby? How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I just got nervous. I started sweating. I'm so happy

to have you here. Thank you. You're so cute. Sure. Okay. First of all, you are so tiny. Like, holy hell. She walked in. I was like, oh, sweet little baby. People think I'm a lot bigger, like taller. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know what it is. Every time someone meets me. Yeah. I think we're just larger than life personalities on TikTok. So people just assume. I think it's like a Tom Cruise thing. Like everybody thinks he's a big badass and then you meet him and he's like five foot. Yeah. Yeah. But you're like so tiny and so cute and beautiful in person. So are

- You grow. - I appreciate you. This is, listen, this is a work of art. Let me tell you, I get up, I don't wake up like this, okay? - Oh, nobody does. - I do not wake up like this and Lord knows, it's hair and makeup for fucking an hour before we get on camera. - I was telling somebody the other day, my favorite video of you is when you jumped up out that pool and you smack that thigh down. I said, mine doesn't.

Move like that. I watched it way too many times. Dude, I never imagined that that fucking video would get fucking, I think it's like at 12 or, I don't even know where it's at, 15 million views. I'm at least a million of them. Yeah. Well, you know, we'll have to talk after this. Maybe we can make some content for the other spicy site. No, I'm just kidding. Oh, God, no.

I don't know if you've heard. I'm super vanilla. No. I like missionary. Stop it. I doubt that. I really doubt that. Nobody believes it. Are you vanilla in bed? So vanilla. I don't believe it. It's so bad. Why? I don't know. I said why. Sure my husband wants to know too. So is it that you're, it's not that you're boring. You just prefer just. Yeah. I don't know. I get, sex makes me uncomfortable. Really? Yeah. I mean, obviously I love sex with my husband.

But I'm still just very timid in that area. Yeah. I don't know why. Because I'm not in life very loud. Yeah. And crazy and out there. And I definitely give off something else. Is it that you're shy? Or is it that... In bed? Yeah. Yes. Like, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm very self-conscious in the bedroom. Yeah.

Was there any trauma that happened as a child? Yeah, I was raped when I was 19. Okay, well, let's go all the way back. So where are you from, Kelsey? Where were you born? I'm from Indiana. So I was born in Logansport, but I grew up mainly in northern Indiana. Okay, gotcha. And then from there, how was your relationship with your parents? Tell me a little bit about your childhood. I loved my dad.

But my parents did get divorced when I was five. Okay. And I remember everything. Like everything. Like all of my traumatic memories. Like I could still smell if I talk about it. Like they're divorced. I remember the night they got divorced. I remember the scene. And I just, I remember everything. Yeah. When it came down to their separation. And I was a huge daddy's girl. Aww.

Was that, so you were five years old. So up until five, it was mom, dad, and you. Did you have siblings? Yes. So I had a sister and a brother biologically. So it was us five. Okay. And then they got divorced and we, I don't, we moved to,

I think we lived in Nashville, Indiana and Columbus, Indiana, back and forth. I know we had no money. I remember having like no money. How did they tell you that they were going to get divorced? Did they sit you down? This is my trauma. This is my first traumatic memory that I have. People don't realize that, you know, the body keeps score. Yes. And literally trauma starts at the moment of conception. Mm-hmm.

A lot of people don't realize that. If your mom was unhappy while she was pregnant with you, if you guys were arguing, or if they were arguing, not you guys, you guys weren't arguing. If she was arguing, if she was depressed, any of that affects the baby in the womb. So a lot of people, I don't know if you guys know that, trauma does start at the moment of conception. Absolutely. Actually, my first traumatic moment, I was three, and I fell out of a tree house.

And I broke my elbow and my sister was walking me home. She walked me through the back door and I'm crying. And my mom's like, we need to take her to the hospital. And my dad in my arm, instead of,

consoling me or taking me they just started arguing and they're just screaming at each other he didn't want he didn't think I need to go to the hospital she did he didn't they just sat there and I am I vividly remember looking at him like on his like sofa chair thing I don't know um and then her on the stairs like and I lived in this house when I was three for like a few months like but I remember the whole layout everything so she picked me up showed me the hospital and I remember my dad calling like the nurse kept coming in like

hi uh mr pummels on the phone and he was she was like well if he wanted to be here if he cared enough to be here if he cared about her he'd be here so he don't need to know and i remember the whole argument and just being told he didn't care about me and i remember that at three like i remember being told that uh but then at five the divorce they got we were sleeping me my sister shared a room and my brother had another room she was in the bed closest to the door you come in and i was on the other side

And we were listening to them argue and then it got quiet. And the next thing you know, he comes in and my brother's sitting on his shoulders. Like he had got my brother out of bed, put him on his shoulders, came in the room, grabbed my sister out of bed and came over to my bed. And he put her on this leg and me on this leg and he just started crying. And he was like, I'm never going to see you guys again. Your mom's making me leave. Oh no.

No. Right. Like looking back, I'm like, my dad fucked me up a little bit, but I love him. Like, dad, we love you, but come on. Now, like he breaks down. So if I tell this story, if I talk to him about it, he'll just start profusely crying. He was like, I fucked up. I can't believe I did that. Like he is so he'll tear himself apart. I feel like our parents didn't know how to parent because their parents didn't know how to parent, you know? So like,

that generation of parents just didn't know how to break generational curses. And they inflicted all their fucking bullshit that they got onto us. And my mom had a very traumatic childhood too. And she had a horrible relationship with her mom. We weren't allowed to speak to her. I think I was 13 when I was told I would not talk to her anymore. Like she had her own stuff. And like, I judged my mom a lot for me being fucked up.

Because that whole thing fucked me up. And then she didn't know what to do with me after. And so I was just treated like the bad seed. Right. Because that was at that time that I started lashing out.

So your parents will rewind it back a little bit. So dad comes in, you're crying. He's crying. He tells you, hey, we're getting a divorce. I'm never going to be able to see you again. Then what happens from there? You guys move away. Yep. Did you ever find out why they divorced? Did dad cheat or something? Yeah. Like later I didn't know. My dad was wild, bro. He didn't cheat. Oh, shit. But he did like have a whole. Damn it, dad. He had like a whole other house. He was growing weed in it.

I had no idea about any of this. And that's why she divorced him? No, I think there's more. Apparently, he had left us when we were really young. Was that a hippie? Yeah.

Shit, kind of. You just like up and left for Colorado one day and ditched us all. I had no idea about any of this though. I always remember him there. I don't remember this. But later, yeah. I mean, now like looking back, I remember being at my grandma's all the time. My grandma and grandpa raised us. I remember being there. I remember my aunts taking care of us a lot. I remember one time one of my aunt's boyfriends had to walk us back to the house because my dad wouldn't –

or something. My mom needed help. And I remember her boyfriends always stepping in. I remember all her boyfriends, they would step in to help. So like he just wasn't a present parent when we were little. Gotcha. And he really didn't grow into his parent role until I was about 13. Gotcha. So you said something about all your mom's boyfriends. No, those my aunt's boyfriends.

Okay. I thought you said mom. Okay. So after you guys moved away, you were just raised by your mom and your siblings went with you? Yeah. So we all, we were close, but then she met a man when I was seven. Okay. And we moved to Elkhart, Indiana. Okay. And he was like rich. Nice. Go mom, go. And that was her goal because she didn't have no money. She didn't have nobody to be raised. Like that was the one thing. I mean, she had a traumatic experience.

history, but that was a big lack. Did you guys struggle a lot whenever your mom and dad broke up? Yes. Like I remember hearing her talk and saying she didn't know if she was going to be able to buy Christmas presents one year. Like she had to pick between food and Christmas presents. And I remember those conversations.

that's, that's heavy for a kid because my parents used to argue about money all the time too. And that was, I think that was one of my major drives in life because I was like, I'm never going to fucking be like them. I had an example of everything I didn't want to be growing up and I fucking ran with it because I was just like, I'm never going to fight with my husband about buying my kid fucking school clothes. Right. You know, like that shit, parents don't realize that fucking we're like little sponges, you know, and you hear every, the kids hear everything.

Everything, man. And we internalize it. And in return, it turns out to us turning into little fucking hood rats. Right. You know, fucking just being fucking drug addicts. It just manifests itself in so many different ways. And people don't even realize that. Okay, go ahead and keep going. All I can say is my mom, I hated my stepdad. I hated him. And at the beginning, I'm sure it was rooted in you're not my dad. Right. Typical stuff. But I was mean.

Did they get married right away? Yeah. And they did it behind her back. So like they just came home one day and they were married. So just betrayal already. And I hate, oh, I hated that man so damn much. And so that was my biggest drive is I was never going to rely on a man for money. Right. So I was like, couldn't leave him. Was he mean to you or? Oh, he was. Well, he would reciprocate. So I, don't get me wrong. I was mean. I was so mean.

He's a fucking grown man though. But I was a child. Exactly. I was a child going through trauma. And instead of anyone really hearing me ever, it was in and out of doctor's office. He wanted me medicated. He wanted me drugged. He wanted me diagnosed. He wanted me sent to boarding school. And I wasn't a bad kid.

I just talked a lot of shit. You were rebellious. But I didn't do anything. I never did drugs. I wasn't sleeping around. I wasn't sneaking out. I wasn't doing anything. I just talked a lot of shit. Because I was like, I don't like you. So I'd look at him and be like, I don't fucking like you. Yeah. I'd be 11. Fuck you. You were just spicy. I was the same way, though. I hated my stepmother. But she was extremely physically abusive. Yeah, he got to that point.

Wow. Okay. So you're seven years old. Mom gets married. How long do they stay together for? They just got a divorce. So they separated actually probably a decade ago. Okay. But they stayed married. He ended up cheating on her, putting his hands on her too, all kinds of stuff. Wow. But they stayed together. And I know in my opinion, she stayed because money.

But she would just keep squeezing money out. So like he'd cheat and she would make him sign paper saying if he did it again, she would get X, Y, and Z. You got to pay it away. You know, I full, I wholeheartedly believe in that tactic. I wasn't mad. I didn't like it. Yeah. Squeeze it.

think if a man cheats on his wife and a woman's gonna stay obviously she loves him but at the same time she's just like okay this is your punishment because men you gotta hit him where it hurts you know they don't fucking care about other things but if you hit him in the pockets they fucking don't they remember that shit oh shit if i do this i'm gonna have to fucking pay for this

Um, so when did the abuse start with you and your stepdad? Um, there was one day I got them in a fight. Yes. You know what? I love that you can own it and admit it though. You know, like most people would be like, I don't know why they were fighting. Oh no. I was the problem. Manipulating the shit. I don't know. I'm kidding. I don't know how I got them. I don't remember that part, but I know the fight was my fault. And

And I don't know if my mom was trying to defend me or telling him whatever, but they started fighting and it was completely over me. And how old were you? I was probably nine or ten. Okay, gotcha. I love how smart you were though. Like you definitely picked that up from somewhere along the line. You were very smart. I was very aware.

human behavior at an early age same I read people like a motherfucker yeah and I tried to tell everybody about this man I was like he's he's trifling mom he is trifling the words I used yeah but like with him so that situation happened and my mom just left me though so she they got in this fight and she stormed out and left and she left me there with him and

And so the next thing I know, I'm in the bathroom. I was standing at the sink. And I just remember him busting into the bathroom and grabbing me by the arm and just shaking me and screaming at me and then yanking my body. And I was probably, I probably weighed 50 pounds.

pounds. Bro, you're tiny now. So I couldn't imagine you at nine. He ripped me out of this bathroom and he just took me and he threw me into my room and I hit the side of my bed and I'm crying. But then I'm also, there's a part of me was so excited to tell my mom. See, he's a terrible man. See, I told you so bad. So she comes home and I'm like, he did this, he did this, he did this. And she told me not to tell my dad because it would start a family war.

And that was the first moment in my life that I was like, nobody's going to protect me. Right. I have to figure this out for myself.

And that's where like this deep rooted, like need to protect the people I love and defend myself came from. Like it was that moment. Yeah. I know it now. Like looking back, try not to cry. Looking back, that was the moment. Cry, please. No, I'm just kidding. Make it super juicy. No, no, no. That was that moment. I 100% can relate with that because, you know, like I said, my stepmother was extremely abusive. My dad never protected me.

So everybody that I am is in my circle. I am fiercely protective of say what you want about me. Do you come from my family? I swear to God, I'm going to come for your entire fucking saying everything, you know, like I'll fucking write Google reviews. I get crazy. I'll find out where you work. I'll get you fired. Like that's how crazy I am when you come against my family. What's that sound on TikTok? Let's light this.

light this candle. Oh yeah. No, seriously. That's me. Like, let's go. Cause then I'm so calm about everything. But then if you come for the people that I love, it's just on and cracking. Like I'm not going to fucking, I'm not playing with you. Fuck around and find out. Yep. So that moment that you felt unprotected by your mom, what happens then you're nine years old and you're fucking already mad at the world. I really don't remember much. I remember being 11,

And him spanking me. It's almost like you blacked out. Yeah. Like after that, it was kind of like, I just kind of went with it. Well, at 11, I was like,

Is when things I remember getting weird because he spanked me. Me and my sister went for, we were like camping or something. And we went for a walk. We came back and apparently they got very scared that we got lost or something. So instead of like a normal parent, like, well, it's not normal. I guess this generation, this was their reaction. They were scared. So then they lash out on the children. Right. So, but his daughter was with me and we go back in and they're screaming at us and he takes me and her.

And he starts whooping me. So he had kids too? Yeah, he had two. So she's my youngest and my oldest. Were they favored? No. I mean, they had their own issues because their mom was fucked up too. So they got their own like shit that they had to like, they were in it too. But he didn't ever do anything to them. But he also didn't ever do anything to my sister. Like me and my brother got the root of it. I got the most.

Right. Brunt. That's it. Not brute. You're good. My brother did when he got older. So before I interrupted you, you said that he had barged in and what had happened? Oh, yeah. So when I was nine, that was there. Well, I'm sorry. That was nine. Yeah. And that was just when my mom told me not to tell my dad. Right. Okay. But then you said that there was a situation we had moved on. Yeah. So he throws us into this trailer. He starts spanking me.

does not touch his daughter though doesn't spank her doesn't do anything and that's the only thing I remember about this trip except I got my first boob I remember that on this trip it's such a weird your first boob yeah like you know when just one start just one I thought something happened to me I like called my mom in I was like mom look it's something bit my nipple yeah like because it had like started growing and this one didn't and I'm like what's happening I remember that happening on this trip what a fucking yeah

That is a traumatic event for everybody. Just one time getting slapped around by stepdad. Like shit. It was this boob. I don't know. It's weird. Did they even out along the way? They did. They got in there really nice. Good. Good. I bet they are. I bet they are. After children still too. I'm really proud of them. I love that. But like after around that time is when.

He demanded I either get put in boarding school or they, you know, I'm in and out of psychiatry, psychiatrist officers. So were they sending you to therapy and stuff like that? So I had to do that. And they were drugging me. Like when I like now know what I was being given, like a billify at 11, like high doses. One, it's terrible for the girls. Holy shit. But they were like that. I mean, Lexapro, Zoloft. I mean, I was a zombie.

for probably the next that's why you don't remember anything that was that's a huge part I just remember being in and out of those offices I think children and you know everybody can come for me for this but I just feel like when you're a child I it's you're developing moments you know and I just feel like if you can do everything holistically for your child I just really believe that that helps and they're it's detrimental to their their growth as a you know an adult it

you know, when you start taking medications at such a young age, I just feel like that really programs you for a life of having to take medication or not, not working through what the fucking problem is. You know, you don't really, most medications, most are like band-aids.

Yes exactly. So you're covering this one problem but you're causing all these others. Yes and then they always stop working and then you have to take another one you have to up the dosage and it's just it's literally. And if you take that you have to take this. Yeah you're a dog literally just chasing your tail and it's just you never really find out what the fuck is going on until you get to the root of the fucking problem. Right.

That's very, I'm sorry that that happened to you, that they did that to you. I couldn't imagine being a child and having such a transition and then not being protected and then being put on medication and stuff like that. My parents tried to put me in a mental hospital when I was 14.

They did. And fucking, cause I was just like you, I was rebellious. I was mouthy. I hated my fucking stepmom, but you know, that's not the answer. You don't fucking lock your kid away. You fucking sit with them and you figure out what the fuck is going on. Right. You know, I never felt hurt ever, ever. And that's exactly why we're probably the most,

like outlandish women that we are because you know we were it was children should be seen not heard now that we are our own women we're like we are women hear me roar motherfuckers you know we are here and we are here to stay so after him saying that you he wanted you to go to a boarding school and stuff like that what happens then when mom shut the boarding school idea down

Damn. Good job, mom. Finally. Thank God. Right. About time. Had that. But she was very open to the medication and diagnosis and they had me diagnosed. Was she on medication? No. Okay. Probably should have been. But no.

It's always medicate the kids, never medicate the adults. That's what I was like later. We can talk about a psychiatrist told me when I, he was like, before continuing to diagnose yourself with crazy, why don't you just look at the people you're surrounded by? What a great fucking psychiatrist. And he's like, if you get rid, and he told me, get rid of your mom. I don't care if she's your mom. Get rid of her. Get rid of this boyfriend who's now my baby daddy. And your life will probably change and you'll see you might not be as crazy as you feel. Yeah.

And that's, I mean, that was a huge lesson. Yep. That's really cool. That was one of like my big eye-opening lessons and I didn't change anything right away. But looking back, like I remember like kind of started shaping my mind. Yeah. But yeah, I got, I got diagnosed with, God, bipolar two, I think, which is like just chronic depression. I was 11. Why am I chronic depression at 11? Yeah. Bipolar two, depression, depression.

ADD, ADD, generalized anxiety disorder. And then they tried to diagnose me, I think, with ODD. But I don't know if that ever actually stuck. What is ODD? Operational defiant disorder.

I got it. I never even knew that was a thing. I think I might have that too. Definitely got that one. Is that like you just don't listen to authority, right? Is that what it is? Oh, how did they put a fucking, they will make a name up for everything. Like that's rebellion. You're just a rebellious fucking kid. So I don't think that ever stuck. They were trying to get me diagnosed with a personality disorder too, which never stuck, but like they were pushing that. They wanted that, right? It didn't stay. Well, once I got to college, you know, my mom wasn't,

sitting there with me to take my medicine. So eventually I was at IU for a while. That's amazing that, you know, you still went off to college. How were your high school years before we skip over those? Did you party? Did you get involved in drugs? Were you a cheerleader? You strike me as a cheerleader. Did I not read that right? I even told Mimi that I was like, she reminds me of a cheerleader. Yeah. I love it.

But I was like in every group. That was what's funny is like, I was, I had my cheerleader friends, but then I mainly hung out, you know, honestly, I mainly hung out with all of people.

People of color. Like, that's what I grew up around. Like, I went to the black church. Like, that's, those were my people. Those are the best churches. They're the best. Now, they last all damn day. Yeah, yeah. But they're a good damn time. Yeah, no, for sure. We would travel like an hour and a half every Sunday. Aw. Just for this one church, but it was worth it. The drummer boy was so cute. Aw. So cute. Little drummer boy. Oh my God, I loved him.

I loved my upbringing because, well, one, I was... I don't know if you've heard. We'll get into this later. I was deemed at one point on the internet as racist. And this broke me because I'm like, wait, this is all I knew. When I watched a video, which we'll touch on this, somebody said that and I was like, how? I was like, how can you even... That's just crazy. It was definitely like... Now that I'm learning about it, it's racial ignorance. But for me, it was like...

this is just what I grew up around. This is just how I talk. This is just how I am. This is just the effect of being in this community my entire life. But the world didn't know that. The world didn't know my background. The world didn't know what I grew up around. I think the world doesn't know the difference between cultural appropriation and cultural appreciation. Yeah, and the chameleon effect. Yes. Like I was literally raised and shaped like any human. Doesn't matter what.

what you're around, but what you are around is what is how you are shaped. Absolutely. That's the same story with Elvis, you know, that he grew up in a certain part of Memphis and literally his music reflected that and people hated him for that because they didn't understand that that's all he knew, you know? So yeah, we'll get into that. So high school was, you were a cheerleader, you were friends with everybody and you didn't do drugs or anything like that.

Nothing juicy? Nope. I was too scared to do anything. Like, I had a boyfriend. And I think in 10th grade, I think he touched me down there. Risk guy. She said, touched me down there. That's perfect.

I think when I was 16. Did you lose your virginity in high school? Yes, I was almost 17. Me too. That's when I lost my virginity. On a lawn chair. We've been dating for like two years. So romantic. So romantic. Had to pop my own cherry. I think I had a seizure during my... Oh, no. I don't think I've ever told this story publicly. I would love to hear this. Okay, so... First of all... Are you diagnosed with having seizures? No. Okay, okay, okay. I'm not like... God, I'm probably going to get in trouble for saying that. No, you won't. No, you won't. This is my show. Just my body. Your love. Got you. Literally...

I couldn't control it. No, it wasn't that. Wait, was it an orgasm? No, it was just nerves. You were nerves. Okay, got you. But like I couldn't, it was literally like this and I couldn't control my body. Oh, you poor baby. It was so embarrassing. You were so nervous. But before it was funny. When I get nervous like that, my teeth start chattering and I get like real shaky. Oh, everything. But I mean, it was so bad. Like he was like, are you okay? Like what did I do?

Like freaking out. But before I got to that point, my mom always told me that when I get to the point where I'm ready to have sex, come to her and tell her so we can do this safely. And I took her at her word. So I went to her and I was like, I'm ready to have sex. She was like, no, the fuck you're not. And I was like, no, no, no. You told me to come to you and help me. And she was like, I will call in.

DeReece was a black man. She's like, I will call his mother right now. And his mother did not like me because I was a white woman. Oh, no. She's like, I'm going to call his mom if you do this. If you don't have us, it's like the betrayal. First of all, you're going to call his mom on me? Right. She will kill me. You're like, listen, Linda. All right. Then it gets worse. She gets my sister's boyfriend, who I went to high school with, to have the sex talk with me. Oh, no.

This is a popular boy at my high school. Why doesn't she do it? Exactly. That is weird. I was like, she sits, now him and I, that's her husband now, like they're together. Him and I still sit down and laugh about this because she sat, she made me sit with this man who I went to high school with and have the sex talk with

me and how much older was he than you he was older okay he was like a scene well I think he was out now I think he was a freshman in college now okay at this point still fucking awkward so fucking awkward yeah actually might have been a sophomore but still like I grew up with him like he knew my friends he knew the boy we're talking about too much thanks mom yeah I literally snuck out there's only time I snuck out that day why do I sneak out I had a car I went and got in my car and left right and I went had sex

You're like, I do not care about any of this conversation. Right? So now we laugh because he was like, she sat me down to have sex with you and you went and you had sex that day. But yeah, I get over there and I am just, well, he had a condom. I'm just literally, I mean, damn near my body is convulsing. Literally cannot control it. He's like, are you okay? Condom breaks. No. So he freaks out, broke up with me the next day and wouldn't take me to prom. Yeah.

Oh my God. What a fucking douchebag. So I went with his best friend. Good. There you go. I mean, that's how, that's very Kelsey of you. I love that. His best friend's also my best friend though, so it's more of a pity date, but it's okay. I love it. He got mad at you because the condom broke. Yeah. Isn't that how men are? It's just crazy. I'm okay. Yeah. You're like, it wasn't that bad, dude. Like what the hell? So,

So you lost your virginity in high school and then you move on to college. You graduate. I graduate. I go to IU. My first year at IU, I made the dance team. I was on the all African-American dance team. Yay. They don't know I can dance. You got some moves? Yeah.

You got some moves on you? Not anymore. I'm old. I doubt that. I'm upside down. I have a few moves. Oh, shit, baby. I love it. But, yes, I was on that team. My name was Gangsta Barbie. Yay. We love a G Barbie. Back videos from throwbacks, if you will. That is hilarious. It was IUSN. It was the best time of my life. I loved freshman year. That part of freshman year. At the end of freshman year is when I was raped. Yeah.

And that's when I started diving into the Bible. Well, let's not skip over the whole situation. Can we talk about the rape? Because I think that that will help, you know, women knowing that the strong woman that you are, what has made you become the strong woman that you are. See how quick I was trying to jump over that? Yeah, no, I saw. I was like, no, no, no, no, let's reel back. So...

What happened? So there was a boy on the IU football team that I thought was cute. We had hung out at this point, I think three different times. I went on a date to Applebee's in a couple other places. I don't even remember. But it was like the fourth time he invited me over. I think he invited me over the third time and then I left. And then after, not after like anything, we hadn't done anything. It wasn't like that. But the fourth time, you know, he asked if I wanted a drink. I think I was

nine I was 18 so I wasn't 19 yet but I was close this is like towards the end of the school year so I turn uh 19 May 13th so this is a little bit before I think it was in April Taurus yes my whole team is Tauruses oh guys you should my dog is loyal Taurus oh I love that he's May 15th he's May 15th oh that's close to me because I was close to my birthday but I was still 18

But I went over there and he had made drinks. So I only had like half of this drink. I was sipping real slow and had a little bit. He had quite a few. And then he took me to his room and I thought we were just going to make out.

I was very. The drink wasn't spiked or anything was it? No I was fine. Like I did. I wasn't drunk or anything. I remember everything. Um. But we get up to the room. And I am. I'm very naive. Very naive. Especially when it comes to sex. And all that kind of stuff. Um.

We're laying down kissing and then he starts to take off my pants. And I had said, no, that's too soon. Or please don't do that. Like I said, a couple different versions of that. And he keeps going. And then I was like, no, no, no, I'm not comfortable. I don't want to do this. And then he rips them off and he starts laughing. Oh. And the laughing is something I think I'll hear. Like I can see his face.

now laughing and then he just kept going and I couldn't do anything and then he was done when you're in that moment was it did you just freeze yep I just laid there like once it didn't work to say no I was like well just wait till it's over yeah and so then it was over and I kind of like rolled over and he fell asleep I was up I don't remember falling asleep I remember looking out this window like outside and

the whole night and it was like 5 00 a.m he's a football player so he gets a five or six a.m were you scared to get up and leave like i was just literally frozen and but then it got weird because he got up he said he had to run to check in they had some breakfast thing they had to do he'd be right back and he was like don't leave

And I just remember like, again, like freezing. So I was like, okay. And I laid there the moment he was out of sight. I was up so fast and out and in my car and gone. And I think I saw him. I've only ever seen them twice since. So one was at a party.

I did win a dance competition at this party that night. And I remember winning this and I'm having so much fun and everyone's like, people were throwing money at me. I thought they were throwing paper at me. I thought they didn't like me. They're throwing money at me. So I'm like, everyone's diving in to get the money. I'm like, what are we doing? I'm not done guys. I was having the best time. Turn around after everything chills, I turn around and he's right there. And I remember like feeling sick to my stomach and running and leaving this party.

Did you ever confront him or did you tell him why you feel the way you feel? Actually, you know what? It gets weirder. Not weirder, but sadder, honestly. I never said anything. I never went to the cops. I never did anything. I ended up going to therapy for a little bit. This is where it gets a little sad. So I did end up trying to tell my mom and she told me that she didn't believe me. She thought I was just being a hoe. Wow. I think she said promiscuous, but you know what I mean.

um, that hurt. I had asked. Yeah, it's very hurtful. I was molested. And when I told my parents about it, they told me they didn't believe me. Yep. Dude ended up being, uh, like one of the biggest rapists in Texas, raped his own sister, everything. Oh my God. Yeah. So this guy ended up raping quite a few women. Um, I found out later that when I started finally opening up

It was a year or two later. I think it was two years before I actually started opening up about it. I did go to therapy during this time because I refused to call it rape because I drove myself there. I willingly went into that home. And so I just kept, I would always say I got taken advantage of.

It was your way of rationalizing it so you didn't feel like a victim. Yep. So finally the therapist beat it into me that it was rape. It took a while, but then I finally was able to say it. And then I think it was one of the girls on my dance team is who I first opened up to. And he had raped her too. And a couple other people she knew. And in that moment, that was like another one of my life-changing like,

big, this is going to shape who I become moments. Because I, all I could think was if you would have gone to the cops,

If you would have done something, maybe that wouldn't happen to these women. But because you chose to be silent, other people got hurt. So then I was in a moment, I was like, I'm never going to be silent again. Now, obviously, I was. It takes a while. Because then I was getting beat and I was silent. But I just remember that being that first moment where I was like, you can't be silent because people get hurt. And I felt like I owed it to people to be loud with my stories.

Because if I wasn't, they were going to get hurt. And then it was my fault. I took these rapes as my fault. But you know that's not your fault. Now I do. At that time, it was really hard for me to distinguish the difference. I blamed...

my rape and their rape on myself you can't do that though and I understand how you feel especially because you know you see other women going through it and you feel like you could have stopped it but you guys were all scared you know they didn't speak up either until you started speaking up so in a way you started this movement of the healing so that's how you have to look at it you know don't carry that with you yeah

I do now. I do now. Yeah. I mean, obviously there's still something. Oh my God. It's traumatic. You know, it's trauma. It,

trauma sticks with you yeah doesn't matter how much you're over it you know when you relive it you can relive those emotions and you can feel exactly how you felt in that moment so you know don't ever apologize learning right now how to feel emotion and let it pass same comment yes that's what I'm doing with my therapist because normally I fucking I'll cut it off cut it off I'll I'm exactly like that tick tock where they say cut it off yeah literally like I will cut it off and let my mom died last week you know sorry no it's okay and

And I'm laughing about it because it's just so... If I don't laugh about it, I'll cry about it. And I'm trying, like I said, I'm trying to deal with it like how you are too, my therapist. I haven't had a chance to meet with my therapist yet, but I know when I do, it's going to be a fucking waterfall of emotions. You have to feel it all. So...

Moving on from the rape, how is Kelsey feeling now? Are you feeling empowered now that you have this group that is speaking up and you're going to therapy? Or are you feeling broken? Like, how are you feeling? Pretty broken. OK. I was pretty broken. I was a very broken human around this time. OK. I ended up not doing well at IU. Mm-hmm.

I'm starting to get bad grades. So I decided. Why do you think that was? Was it from the grades? Oh, I was just having the time of my life. I was trying to, I mean, literally blinders, you know what I mean? Like block everything out. So I was out and I was going, and that's what I do. Like when I'm in a bad spot, I am out and I'm doing this and I'm doing that. And I'm over here, a number of there. So I don't have time to think about how broken I am.

So I was making all these friends that I use and I'm out there and I'm hanging out and I'm doing that and I'm just partying. So my grades obviously suffered. I already wasn't good at school. Yeah. I had to try really hard in school. So when I wasn't trying, it was reflected. So I had to make the choice to transfer or to drop out. Was I going to drop out of school or was I going to transfer to another one and try to do better? So I ended up transferring and it's...

The old hello. Hold on one second. Let me see what the... Good Lord. What was that about? Oh, okay. So sorry. Okay. So you decided to transfer so that you weren't dropping out. Yes. And I went to IU and this is where another like really big defining moment happened. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know what I wanted to study. Nothing was really...

stick in and I didn't like anything. The one thing I knew I hated was psychology because of what was done to me as a child. I hated it. I hated the entire science. I blamed the science. See, I was the opposite. I became fascinated by it and wanted to just learn it. This is my moment. Yep. Yep. I did the same thing. And finally, this was like that moment where I was like, you know what? No, I want to know everything about my mind. So they no longer have control.

They can't tell me about me. I'm going to learn everything I can about the human mind. And that's when I jumped. And I was always good at psychology. I just blamed it. So when I stopped blaming it and I started to learn it and own it and take it, I was immediately given a job, job fair that fall because I was a psych major and they were literally hiring on site and it was with kids with autism.

And well, it was a direct support professional, but my first client happened to be a young man with autism and he became my best friend and he changed my entire life. I love that. He just needed social skills. And obviously I'm overly social. That's perfect pair. Literally anytime I walked into a house, usually parents were like, there's no way this is going to work out. This little preppy girl, like my son's going to rip her to shreds. Every time or daughter, I had one of those experiences where they were like, my daughter's going to beat her up.

up. She can't be her therapist. But I found this new world. And it's funny because one of my best friends actually worked as a direct support in Bloomington when I went to IU. And I remember meeting one of her clients at the mall and I was like, I don't know how you do this. I could never do this. That's so hard. That seems so difficult. Like you're amazing. And then I kind of just

was stepped into it or whatever. And I loved it. And I ended up working with a paraplegic man too. I was basically a nurse unregistered. I did all of his catheter, catheter style. Shouldn't have done it because I can't pronounce it. All of his bottom stuff, like bathroom stuff, everything like to a point where my mom was like, she basically wanted me to quit. She said this job was beneath me. And I was like, you just better hope. Yeah.

that if something happens to you you have you are lucky you have a daughter doesn't mind digging up in your butthole right so you don't shit yourself I mean but I don't think she saw how rewarding it was for you to be helping she didn't she didn't see that and I mean we just weren't close enough for her to either and it's weird because I feel like anytime I did find a passion or a place she demeaned it and I don't know what that is still I don't know maybe because did your mom ever find her passion no

There you go. Yep. She was jealous. She literally probably didn't like seeing you flourish because she didn't know how. Yep. You know, so that was probably really hard for her to see you actually happy doing something when she's never found anything but your stepdad. I feel like throughout my life, when I talk about these different things, like nobody in my life would have been shocked if I failed.

That's how my life just was. It was expected of me to fail. So that's what they saw. That's what they thought would happen. Maybe subconsciously wanted. Wanted. Because then you guys would be in the same. Yep. But that's why I'm like, I try to tell people like, my success means so much because I had to physically fight for every aspect of it because I was expected to fail. Yes, ma'am. Starting out. And so this is something you can't take from me.

and the success I've gained. And I've gained it in so many different ways. It's not just TikTok. No, I can't wait to get into it. That's what I want people to hear. The autism was my biggest, most rewarding passion I found. I own a center still for kids with autism in Indiana. I love that. Started that.

but I became a board certified behavior analyst, like all that. But during this, I guess I'll get there. We'll get there. I was like, woo, that's a lot. Well, I did dial it back. Sorry. I know I keep jumping. No, you're good. It's easy. You know, I did my life story the other day and I even told me, I was like, we can't air that because I left out so much fucking shit. When you're literally talking about your life story, especially if you've lived full lives, it's so hard to fucking keep a timeline of everything that's fucking gone on. Keep going up.

Yeah, exactly. But I swear it all comes together in the interview. Like you'll, you'll, whenever you see it, you'll be like, okay, great. I'm, I'm a big tangent person too. Cause I have that ADD aspect. That one's stuck. I love it. I love it.

So you found love in doing the autism stuff. Mom didn't agree with it. Right. So I was in college at this time. I was very fortunate because my mom did marry rich. So like I didn't really have to worry. My dad took my student loans. My mom paid my like rent and that kind of stuff. But like I needed to have money. I knew that very early on that I needed to be making my own money. I needed to be setting myself up. I needed to have all this so I didn't have to rely on my mom. One thing she always did was hold money over my head. Mm-hmm.

So it was like a long time with the medicine. I'm going to get to the medicine when I stopped it. But she'd basically be like, if you don't take your medicine, I'm going to cut you off financially. Things like that. It's chemical abuse and it's manipulation. Now I know that.

But like she would do those type of things. And so I worked through college. I worked very hard through college. I'd get up at 6 a.m. and go work with the paraplegic man. I'd do all of his stuff, get him ready for the day. 10 o'clock, I'd be in school. We went to IAPY. This is my friend from IAPY.

Is that where you met Renee? Yep. Awesome. Renee's sitting over here. She's not on camera. We would go to school until I think the last class was 115, and then I would be up in Fishers from 3 to 6 working with my client with autism. And then on the weekends, I did promotional model stuff, promo model. Look at you, your little model. I am a side model now. Yeah.

I love it. You are very beautiful. Oh, thank you. I think they wanted me for my personality. I don't think, no, really. I don't think people realize how pretty you are, though, because it doesn't come across. I mean, it does come across. Oh, shit, I brought something. Oh, shit.

Let me rephrase that. Okay, because listen, a lot of people come to me and they're like, oh my God, you're so much prettier in person. I know. And I hate when people say that to me, but I guess I'm saying it to you too. It's like you're beautiful on TikTok, but in person too, you get to experience your energy. No, people have said that my whole life. People will tell me I'm photogenic, but they see me in person. Just came out the wrong way. Oh my God.

so sorry nobody expected you to be pretty bitch wow sorry that's terrible but i always say the camera makes me ugly i always know especially this one you know you're so pretty facing camera right there look i look like a human thumb sometimes i open it up and i'm like where did that fucking third chin come from like it's just it's brutal that camera is brutal it is it really is facing one forward facing uh oh god what we're talking

Okay, so you were a model. You were doing the model. Oh, the promo model. Yeah, so I mean, I was working. I was working very hard. It took me six years to graduate, but I did with a bachelor's. Does it normally take four? Yes. Okay, gotcha. She's like, I'm going to do this my way. Yep, took me a little bit to that. But I mean, once I moved to IUPUI, I'd already missed three years, right? So I got to IUPUI and I was...

around the year classes summer classes I was taking 18 to 20 credit hours every sitting I was making the dean's list so I was trying like when I try I can do some wild shit just when you apply yourself yeah I really graduated three years yeah okay we just the first didn't count first three didn't count right but when I graduated I remember being excited thinking my mom was gonna tell me she's proud of me because I was the first kid to graduate I have two older sisters I was the first to graduate um and she said I mean congratulations but it took you six years I was like

Damn. She's missing every chance. I mean, but that just, did she graduate? Yes, she did. She did? She has a bachelor's. My dad has a bachelor's. Okay. But I had a bachelor's in psychology and a minor in Africana studies.

So I overachieved. Yeah. It just sounds like maybe she just, you know, her trauma won't allow her to be happy for you. I think that had a lot to do with it. And again, that expectation of failure. And when I didn't, it was almost like she did because her expectation didn't come true. Right. Something weird. I don't know. I still got to dive a little deeper. Jealousy. I don't think I want to dive into it. Boils down to jealousy. Yeah. But at this point, I applied to grad school.

And I had resumes out there. I got my first job at an ABA clinic, which is Applied Behavior Analysis. I went into the interview and I said, I want your hardest kids. Like I've had this one who just needed social skills and he was great. But I watched his brother and his brother was nonverbal and he was extremely aggressive and he had all these other things. And I was so fascinated by him.

I wanted to know everything going on in his mind. Because you could see there was so much up there. But I couldn't pull it out. And I was the only person that he never like came after except for one time. And that was my fault because I touched his CD. And I knew better than that. I knew not to move it. But I was trying to help him. And I was in a frantic state. No one was there to tell me what he needed. And I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me at the time. I didn't work with his brother. But the moment I did, I was like, shit. Oh, no. And he wailed on me. Oh, no.

But that gave me more. Autistic kids' music is like their therapy. Yep. And his CDs were. Yes. And they were do not touch type of things. And so...

That was eye-opening, but it gave me a drive, this big drive. I wanted kids like him. I wanted to dive into that. So he actually was put into the clinic that I got a job at. So I got to see him too. They wouldn't let me work with them because they were like family at this point. I'd go to their house for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't go home. I'd go hang out with my client's parents. They were my new family. So I went there, and they did. They gave me two of the harder cases.

One of my first days on the job, the mom of the girl that was on my case now saw me and her old therapist pointed at me. That's going to be her new therapist. And her mom goes, yeah, right. I'm little. I'm little. I'm really little. And she's like, my daughter's going to beat her up.

This client stuck with me through different therapy clinics. So she was 23 years old. She was 12 when I started working with her. We were great. That's awesome.

That's amazing. This is where I found my passion. I was like, I'm great at this. I'm so good at this. Doctors came in my second day of work and one asked my BCBA, how long has she been doing this? And she was like, it's her second day. And he was like, no, there's no way. There's no way. And he said to me, he goes, you communicate so naturally with them. And I was like, I talked to him like, they're anybody fucking else. Like, what do you mean? Like to me, that was like, that statement was, I can't remember how he said it, the way he worded it. I was like,

Yeah, I treat them like anybody else. What the hell are you doing? But like I just literally did. I talked to them and I hung out and I just – like they were my friend. I think your passion comes from being so like not heard and misunderstood as a child that you just wanted to hear these kids and help them and understand them in their own situation. And I loved every second of it. Now I was a troublemaker still. She's like, let's not forget. Yes.

She's like, I was doing good shit, but also still a badass. I was great at what I did, but I couldn't help but run my mouth. So I got fired a couple times. Oh, no. Well, that's just your ODD or whatever it is. That damn ODD. Fucking coming in. Acting up. Full circle. Acting up again. But I would make really good connections. Like the people who actually cared in the field saw me. They saw how great I was. So like...

I remember I would get fired here. I'd immediately be hired the next day over here. I'd get fired here. And this person who used to work here now works here. And she picked me up. And I never did not have a job because I was great. I was great. Amazing work ethic. Oh, yeah. I love working. Love working. But people hate online when I like harp on this. So I'm a harp. I was exceptional. I'm a harpist.

Get it through your heads, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to toot my horn all day because I know I was great. I know I made great change. Can we normalize self-love? Yeah, and talking about yourself like that. I am so tired of people like, you need to tone it down. Like, no, motherfucker, I'm not toning it down. I was loud the other day and I was like, I can show you loud. Yeah.

Yeah. I love when people toot their own horns because, you know, we work fucking hard to get to where we are. And it's not like you fucking took the easy route. You know, you fucking went to fucking... Oh, that reminds me. This whole time I was being beaten. Oh, okay. Well, so, okay. So you went...

That's like, hey, my mom died last week. Yeah, just fucking like, hey, by the way. Okay, so let's reel it back then. So 21. 21. That's when I transferred to IU. Okay. The first person I met was my now baby daddy. Okay, gotcha. I know a little bit about this story because I think that's where I related to you because I also was in a really fucked up relationship. Yep. So it started out fine as they always do.

do. It was on and off for like the first couple years but always it always come back on it was it so I was like it must be my person. The world keeps bringing a bit. It's passion. So passionate. That's what I blamed it on I was like the passion. Yeah. I love the passion. So like it was like it was more manipulative and emotional and mental abuse that first like two to three years. It did not get physical till year four. Four?

- Wow. - He was 13. - He kept his mask on a long time. - Kept his mask on a while. - Wow. - In the first physical was probably one of the worst.

Now, I'm not saying I wasn't running my mouth. Right. Oh, no. I was healthy, too. I was running it. I tell everybody that. But I thought I was cheating on you. I was very toxic, too. I was talking shit. Yeah. Of course. And I said that, too. I'm like, sometimes it is two toxic people. They're not meant to be together. Absolutely. And that's okay. It doesn't mean if you move on, you're going to be toxic. I talk about that all the time. I was able to move on and not be toxic. But I never put my hands on it. Yeah. I did.

I, on the other hand, did. I was very aggressive. I did when I was pregnant just because he ain't gonna hit me back. Yeah. No, he did. Oh, fuck. That's terrible. I thought it would.

Brain didn't catch that. Trauma. This is trauma laughs. That's where people, I'm like, people think I'm so inappropriate, but I'm like, I have to laugh at this shit. No, you have to laugh. Because I had to laugh in it or I wouldn't have made it. Absolutely. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't learn how to laugh at this shit. No, for sure. But one of the first times, he had basically used this leg as a punching bag. And he didn't.

I mean, he beat it so hard. There were bruises from here all the way down past my knee and it was black. Just the damn leg? Just this damn leg. Used it as a punching bag. So that you could hide the bruises. He woke up the next day just sobbing.

Oh, poor pitiful him. They always cry. Poor pitiful him. You can't believe he would hurt me like that. They always either cry or try to fuck you. Yes. After they do it. It's the weirdest shit ever. It's mind fucking. Yeah. It's mind. So then I'm sitting there and I can't move and I have to console his ass. Yeah. Because he's going to now kill himself because he did something terrible and he's so mad. And now I'm like, no, it's not. You know, it's like, it's sick. It's sick. No, it's very sick. That was the worst.

That was the worst one that happened. There was a few before, but that was when it got real physical abuse. There was one that I ended up in jail because there were girls above the apartment and they could hear us fighting. They called the police because they were worried about me. I was a dumbass. They'd come...

and they bust down the door. And at this point he has me hiding in the bathroom. They bust down the door. So I was like, well, I'll walk out in front of you. So if they shoot, they shoot me. Dumbass. I'm a dumbass. She's like, I'm going to be your rider. I'm your rider. Die. Like that protective instinct for the worst people ever. I've done that before too. I walk out in front of them. They go around me. They grab him, throw him in handcuffs. And I'm like, what's

Yeah. And so I go up to one of the cops. I was like, you have to tell me what you're doing. And I put my hands on his chest like that. Like, what is going on? What are you doing? Immediately, I get bombarded like a rhinoceros hit me from the woman cop into the wall. Oh, that was go time for her. She Heisman trophied my ass right into that wall, threw me into it, threw me in handcuffs. And I was like, what?

is happening obviously I can't shut up to save my goddamn life yeah so I'm like this is illegal y'all are going to jail yeah like shut up there was a cop at one point in my face screaming shut the fuck up and I was like no straight up handcuffed like I will not thank you though I won't be doing that

Yeah, I'm already this far and fucking deep. So they arrest us both, take us down to jail. He was in jail for 11 hours. I was in there for 13. They literally arrested and unarrested him. That's illegal.

So they just let him go. He didn't have a court date. He didn't have nothing. Wow. But I think it's because they really did enter illegally and it was his apartment. So he could have had a counter. I don't know. Something like that is what I heard. They're allowed to come in, swoop the scene and leave. That's not what they did. So then I think, I don't know. I could be wrong, but I saw a judge and they pretty much put on me. They tried to charge me with three things.

So it was... Because you touched the officer. Resisting arrest, battery on a cop, and disorderly conduct. So I ended up having to get a lawyer. $10,000 later, I was charged with disorderly conduct, and they dropped the other two. He got nothing. So he's still out here scot-free. I feel like they always have horseshoes up their ass. My abusive ex, literally, I would call cops. Cops would get called depending on where we were, if we were outside or fucking somewhere.

They would come and he would talk himself out of being arrested. And I would have black eyes and fucking be strangled. And like, I'd get a fucking restraining order. He'd show up with the, you know, break the restraining order. He'd still talk his way out of it. Like it was just fucking crazy to me. He got out of a lot in the first few years. Now this time, I mean, obviously I didn't say anything. I wasn't going to say anything.

I was basically taught not to snitch. Don't tell the cops anything. I also was conditioned to know that

he's going to get out the next day. So if I say what happened, what's going to stop him from coming back? Right. Right. So I can not say what happened and he'd be the person to pick me up out of jail when I, you know what I mean? Like he's going to be there to console me. I'm going to get that nice side of him again because I was a ride or die and I took the heat. I was like that in the beginning. And then going into the third or fourth year of being beat, you get to a point where it's like, I'm either going to buy a fucking gun and shoot you myself. Yep.

Or I'm calling the fucking cops because I'm tired of getting fucking beat on. Yep. You just get to a point where you literally just crack and you're like, I don't want to fucking go through this anymore. It took me way too long. Oh.

oh how long were you guys together eight years oh wow so it started about four years and again like i don't remember exactly what the first one was i thought it was the leg one but i don't think the leg one was it was in 2000 that was 2013 so it had to be fresh it had to yeah it had to be i think that's what really just fucked my mind did he ever punch you in the face and stuff no wow it was always well no no he did but that comes with the baby the baby story okay my baby was there but it really wasn't a punch it was open-handed so i don't

I mean, that's still your face and his hand. Right. So it wasn't like full fist into the face, but it choked me and hit me like that. And then it was like a hit like that. But we'll get that because I was holding a baby. Now that was probably the worst. Worst for like, it's what got me out. But the leg one is what fucked me up because he had just cheated on me. I confronted him. He beats the shit out of me. And then I have to get up the next day and go to work.

with kids with autism. And I'm there and I know in that moment I'm not okay. Right. But I'm trying to push through it or whatever. Well, at this point, at this point, I'm screaming.

for someone to hear me right but i don't know how to ask i don't have to say i'm not going to be a burden to anyone so instead i start cutting myself start cutting myself and then sending him pictures of it are you still on medication no oh during this time fucking medication oh no i got off of all of the meds i use i think it was when i was 21 22 so right when i moved to indianapolis um i got myself off i didn't take them for nine months i kept

buying them because my mom would send me the money and she would see if I didn't buy them. Right. So I was buying them and just not taking them. And when I got to nine months, that's when I told my mom, I was like, listen, I haven't been on meds for nine months and I've never felt better. And I did. I didn't feel like a robot for once. I didn't feel sick. I felt like myself. Did you go through withdrawals or anything like that? No. No, but I stayed on Concerta. Okay. That's the ADD. I loved that shit. Yeah. Okay. I stayed on that.

Does it just mellow you out or? It makes me use my brain. Oh, good. So it's like Adderall almost? Yeah. So it was the only way I could get through college. Gotcha. I was like, yep, I do need that. Yeah. They got that one right. But the rest I got off of. At that point, she said, I want you to see a doctor then. Right. I want you, well, she wanted me to see her, this very specific doctor that saw my youngest sister. Okay.

And I was like, I'll see a doctor here. I'm not coming home. So I saw a doctor. They undiagnosed me from everything except for generalized anxiety disorder and ADD. And so I tell her that and she's absolutely not. No, he's wrong. You're fucked up. You need to see this doctor. And I'm just ignoring her at this point.

until this incident right so when this happened and i'm cutting myself i also had the next banon birth control that comes in later um cutting myself and i knew i didn't want to die right i just wanted attention right like i knew there was that was my next question like where were you cutting yourself right here yeah it was all right here and i'd send him pictures

it's so like to talk about you're like what the fuck were you doing like hurting yourself in your right mind right you're going through stuff like that your emotions are all over the place especially in an abusive relationship because it's always a fucking roller coaster it's up and down one day you feel like you're so in love the next day you hate everybody you know like it's just it's very unpredictable yep well I I knew when I started doing that

that something wasn't right. I needed help. And I could barely work with this going on. This also took six months to really break up and start healing. I think it was three or four months when it finally turned yellow. And then I could still see where it was for the next year and a half.

Like where did that yell? It like stained almost my skin. You know what I mean? Like still. And I don't know if it's like, you know, when you have a baby and the baby comes out, you can still feel the kicking like phantom pregnancy or something. Phantom baby. I don't know. I don't know if it was like that. Like it was in my head, but I could still see it for a year and a half. That happened with my eyes. It took forever for under my eyes to heal because he had strangled me so bad. He burst every blood vessel in both of these eyes and was punching me in my face like a fucking grown man, dude. And it took forever.

I'd want to say at least a year to not look like I had fucking just dark circles under my eyes. It was so bad. So I don't think it was your mind. I think it was bruises. Yeah, for sure. I think it was there. But yeah, sometimes I look back and I because, you know, you look back and you think like, you know, the story.

This is fucked up. But I lived in it. How did I live in it if it was this fucked up? Was the abuse constant? No, I'm like, am I crazy? Was the abuse constant for eight years? Or was it like a roller coaster? No, it was very touch and go. Yeah, it was a roller coaster. It would basically be if I found out he was talking to this other girl. Oh. Or this other girl. Yeah. If he was dating her. Or if this happened. Or if it, like, it was situational most of the time. And if I confronted him, I would get beat up. Right. If any of my family or friends would say anything, I'd get beat up. Right. Anything was brought. And so that's why, like, me and my mom would fight. Because I was like, stop.

stop getting involved. Yeah. Stop saying shit. Don't get involved because I was going to go get beat up. Right. I didn't want to get beat up. So I'm like, shut up. I don't want to get beat up. I was going to get beat up anyways. But yeah, it was on and off. But I also like, I was in Indianapolis. So I had my friends and I had great friends. I had an amazing support system. Like none of them left me. I know they judged me. Renee, were you around during this time? She was one of my main like people who would have to come talk him off.

whatever lead she was on or from hurting me like there's one time she had to meet him in a back alley i was like god bless you oh my god jesus christ but she had to come one time because my dad's driving down frantically from kokomo because i'm literally barricaded in my family's from kokomo too yeah yeah it's crazy he was driving down from there because i barricaded myself in the apartment he's like outside banging on the door and she had to come down we lived in the same apartment complex she'd come down and help

But I know like I still have all of my same friends, but like I wasn't invited to like couple stuff. They hated him. Did you not like him? You could talk. You're allowed to talk. The microphones will pick up.

She's like, no, bitch, don't put me on the spot. Just being involved in their relationship and seeing that. Yeah. Right. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Not right in the head. Right. Yeah. Gotcha. Because I was like, I don't want to say, like, I can't bring myself to not say he's a bad guy. Right. But I also can't bring myself to be like, he's just bad. Like, because he isn't. Right. It's weird. And I still know that. Like, he's great with kids. And it's got to be hard because you guys have a baby together. Yeah. And he's good with her. Right. And so he has these qualities about him. He is charismatic. He is, you know. Most narcissists are. They really are. You know, I was at a, like, be nice and do all these things. But...

I was going to say, I thought he liked you. Yeah. I thought I was his favorite friend. I think you were. Right. I thought I was his favorite friend of hers, but it turned out later. Oh, yeah. Well, because she hated all of you. Well, because you protected her. Narcissists want to keep their victims isolated. And so because you were always there for her. You weren't manipulated by neither. So in those moments where he would pretend you were the favorite, it's because you were being kind. You're like, yes, I get it. You understand, but you need to calm down. It's okay. Everything will be fine. Like you were kind.

Yeah. And so he thought he was getting to you. And then when he realized he wasn't. Right. He didn't like that.

So when did you get pregnant? How old were you? I don't know. How old were you? How long in the relationship were you? Did you get pregnant? So it would have been year seven. It was 2016. Oh, wow. So towards the end. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I left the moment that child came out and she was affected. And that's that. Well, yeah, we'll get into that a little bit. But yeah, I got pregnant in 2016 in July. And when I was six weeks pregnant, he like up and disappeared.

He was just gone. He wouldn't answer his phone. That never happened. He went on a weekend vacay with a girl he had always cheated on me with. And I remember being on the phone with my mom being like, what do I do? And I don't know why I was called. That's another fucked up thing. I always called my mom. I didn't call my dad. But I called my mom. You want that feminine energy when you're feeling vulnerable and emotional. Yep.

Oh, I had also just graduated grad school, I think around this time too. 2015, I graduated. I almost dropped out at one point because this was happening. Right. I was getting beat that summer. I think it was 2014, I almost dropped out. I was getting beat and then cutting myself. And then, oh, that's a big part of the story. So I basically quit my job.

because I was like, I can't work with these children. Yeah. At that time, I was like, I'm not okay. Right. I can't be a good therapist if I'm not a good person right now. Like I'm messed up. And so I quit my job and I moved north to live with my mom for a few months.

Just to kind of regroup. Yeah. And I agreed to see her doctor. So I was like, you're right. Something's not right. Like, I'm not okay. Like, something's wrong with me. Oh, she probably thought she was winning. Oh, she loved it. She was gloating. Now, this summer was also the worst school-wise because I took the hardest class possible in a summer session. Yeah.

so I was drowning and during this time I remember I called my mom before I went home I called my mom and I was like I don't know what to do I'm overwhelmed this is so hard that I she was like honey just quit just drop out nobody thought you'd actually get this far anyway so nice what a sweetheart she just knows what to say in the moment right it's really consoling yeah so motherly the fuck is

fuck is like why would you say it so i was like i have to prove her wrong but then all this is going on but you know that's good that she was motivation for you instead of you internalizing that you were like all right watch this bitch right yeah so it was that same summer i ended up moving home i stayed in this room like her guest room um i mean for 12 hours a day studying that's all i had at that point i stayed in school i quit my job i was just there seeing a psychiatrist twice a week i didn't want to speak to anyone i was so fucked mentally i just sat in there and i studied

aced that class, by the way. Straight ace student, that semester. But I was seeing the psychiatrist twice a week and I remember going to him and there'd be something new every single time. And he's like, you're not supposed to live like this. It shouldn't be a new crazy life-changing event every two days. Like what is happening? And I remember him being like, you shouldn't have gas in your car. He was like, you should have ran out of gas, should have blown a gasket. Like what you're dealing with isn't normal. These aren't normal things. You're living in the state of flight or fight.

for how long? I don't know. But he was like, that's your brain's safety measure. It's supposed to save you in a situation not living. Right. He was like, you should have been burnt out so long ago. You should have like just collapsed forever. Like he used the car analogy. You're just running on fumes. Yeah. And he was like, this is not normal. And so then we're talking about my mom. We're talking about, you know, my baby daddy. I'm not yet my boyfriend. Right. Not boyfriend. And that's when he hit me with the, have you ever thought?

if you just remove these people or like before you diagnose yourself that's it before you diagnose stuff crazy remove these people and see if they're just crazy and I would be like you just call my mom crazy she is not gonna like that I'm telling mom that's great so I mean he he was amazing I loved him yeah he sounds like yeah

One of the good ones because there's a lot of bad ones out there. Well, he ended up agreeing with the slight case of generalized anxiety, more on a situational anxiety side. And he was like, honestly, you could have the ADD meds or not. That's up to you. But he's like, that's all I'm prescribing you. And my mom hated those meds, by the way. She thought I was going to become a drug addict.

Because I took, like, it's another form of Adderall. So that was going to make me a drug addict. But she wanted you on everything else. Right. And so we tell her, you know, he's like, she doesn't need anything. She has anxiety and she should. With everything she's been through, what she's going through, I'm going to prescribe her Concerta.

my mom flipped shit wouldn't let me go back said she refused to pay for sessions if I went back like it was like $100 a session so she said she wouldn't pay for them she didn't agree that I was like that was your doctor yeah that was yours so I ended up packing my bags and moving back to Indy of course getting back with

the boyfriend, the big daddy, and living again through hell, multiple abuse situations the next two years. Sure, it was emotional and physical as well. Oh. Emotional and. I always say the emotional and mental are way worse than physical. Mental, yes. They'll fuck you up so bad. And I was already a broken person. And so it was easy for him to take me. Oh, yeah.

where I was you know what I mean they love that that's they prefer it yeah yeah because that's when your energy is low and they can just swoop in yep and if you don't love yourself that's why I tell people all the time I'm like you teach people how to treat you yeah I didn't treat myself well yeah I didn't love myself so it was easy for them not to either yeah and use me and get what they needed from me and then just dispose of me or whatever the case may be

Um, but yeah, so that went on, I got pregnant. He did that at six weeks. I ended up of course, taking him back. Uh, so what happened at six weeks? He was up on a fricking trip with another girl. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. So I was calling my mom and I was like, and I, I remember asking like, should I, should I go through with this six weeks? I can go get an abortion right now. And she was like, I'm, you know, that's up. There's the first time she didn't say something stupid. She was like, you know, that's up to you. It has to be a choice you make.

And I was like, okay. Thanks for being a mom for once. I was waiting for the yes, honey. Yeah. Don't ruin your life. Don't ruin your life. Yeah, something. We expect you to do this. We knew this would happen at least once, maybe twice. Something. Yeah. But like in that mind, like my mindset at that point, I was like, I'm fine. I can be a parent.

I'm a good person. I'm financially fine. I can take care of a child. I'm great with children. So with or without him, I can do this. So I'm going to. Do you think also that what the psychiatrist said to you was kind of resonating? Yes. Yeah. Yep. And the pregnancy was helping. So I do believe I was insane. Yeah.

Yes. At one point in my life, right? But the pregnancy like hit me and it like, they say this, I read studies after because I was fascinated by this. But like, because for the first time in my life, I felt sane. I had never felt calm.

It's hormonal. And there's a lot of Mimi went through that when she was pregnant. She had a boy and a girl and they were both completely different pregnancies. And like your body gets certain nutrients and certain hormones that hit it with the pregnancy that you have been depleted by. Yeah. You know, it says it can literally like change the chemicals in your brain. Yeah. And so I remember like looking at I think it was Jabril that I started crying to. And I was like, what happens if the baby comes out? I'm crazy again.

I was terrified. But I was sane. Like I was starting to see things without that veil over it. Right? Like I could actually see what was happening to me. And I don't think I ever like saw it clearly. It's an awakening. And then at five months, he cheated on me again.

And I remember sitting outside. At this point, I own a center for kids with autism. So when I got pregnant, I was like, I got to do some shit because he ain't going to help. So a center I was working for was shutting down. So I started applying all of the insurance contracts and doing what I need to do to take over this center and make it my own. So I ended up opening this center. All of the clients waited for me.

Like there was some that it took like an extra month and they just didn't have services and they waited to come to me. And that's still up and running? Yes. Very cool. I don't know your story. So all of this is new to me. Yes. That's my favorite part of my story. Yeah. That's a big deal to me. That's really cool. I own a company now. I'm a CEO. Oh.

Oh, shove that in your face, mom. A she-e-o. I love that. I was so excited. It was a great time. But then, you know, this is happening. But – I feel like girls like us who have grown up in chaos –

That's just par for the course. You're literally one part of your life is falling the fuck apart. And the other one is just fucking skyrocketing. Absolutely. And I'm a Scorpio rising. So that's just the story of my life. There you go. Down in a rise and fall. But I remember sitting outside my clinic at this point.

And, you know, he's on the phone and I'm like, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to teach my daughter that this is okay. And I remember these words. He said, I can't wait till your daughter grows up and I can tell her one of a cunt. I can tell her what a cunt her mother is. And I remember just sitting there thinking, I'm like, he would probably do that too. Yeah.

I'm going to tell my baby I'm a cunt. And I'm like, and I just, in that moment, I was like, I knew right then. Because you remembered what happened to you when your parents word vomited. And I remember the things my dad said. I remember all the things. Yeah. And so I was like, it just stopped me. And I also had this overwhelming feeling. And I always talk about it. It's like a euphoric experience in this moment.

Because I knew right then, finally, I was like, I don't like this person. Some very deep, broken part of me still loves him. Of course. But I don't like him anymore. You can love somebody and not like them. Right. But I'm like, yes. Liking somebody is a huge fucking deal. That's hard to do. I don't like most humans. Yeah. No, I'm the same way. I tell my husband all the time, I'm like, I like you and you're lucky. You're lucky. I don't mind that too. Yeah. I'm like, I want you here. That's weird. Yeah. I want you, don't need you. Yep. Yep.

But in that moment, I knew it was my mind was preparing my heart for what had to happen eventually. So at this point, my mom's driving down because he was on a lease. We were moving into a house. He was on that lease. And so I needed him off the lease. So she's driving down to try to get him off the lease. Luckily, we did. It was a fight, but we did.

got him off the lease i move in and i let his dumb ass move in at seven months oh no i felt nothing it was weird in my mind it's almost like you needed to finalize it yes and i was scared like i was about to be a mom i was like i don't want to do this alone i don't know how to do this i've never done this i can't do this alone i'm scared so that's why i let him back because i don't want to do it alone i was just scared um

At eight months, he choked me really bad. Well, first of all, he was downtown wasted. He needed me to come pick him up at like 2, 3 a.m. I go to pick him up. I mean, I watched him face plant. I laughed. I laughed. But I get him in the car, and at this point, he has called me the girl's name that he has been cheating on me with for like four years. He was calling me her name 30-some times. I think I counted 32 times he called me her name. Oh, my God. I would have fucking just –

But I'm like, I'm pregnant and I'm sane for once. So I'm watching this. I'm reveling in my saneness. I'm going to enjoy this moment right now. I'm like, I'm just going to drive. So I'm driving. I have to get gas and I put the gas tank in. I go back to sit in the car and he grabs me up on my throat and he just pins me there. And I just remember thinking, don't move.

don't move he'll eventually let go don't do anything stay very still otherwise you could hurt the baby so I just sat there like in this frozen state until he drunkenly let go and passed out so then I drive home I literally had to carry him up the stairs I'm eight months pregnant carried this man up the fucking stairs I did beat him with a pillow that night he was so drunk he didn't know laughing

Did you really? I did. I took so many licks. Oh, but he was so gone. Didn't wake up or anything? Yeah, I don't even know if he felt it, but it felt great. I'd have put fucking soap bars in it. Right. Done it penitentiary style. Go back. Yeah. It happened to you at the bar when you face planted, baby. Yeah, I don't know. We're drunk. Wow. I don't know why you're missing teeth. I have no idea. Do better. Less drinking. Well, then at nine months.

I remember I'm nine months pregnant and I get sent a Facebook message, the iMessager, from a guy. And he says, hey, did your baby daddy come home last night? And I said, no. I knew he didn't. I was like, what'd he do? And he sent me all these pictures. And he was like, I walked into my baby mama's house and he was naked in bed with her. And their two-year-old was there. Oh, okay.

Come on. Okay. He sends me a message. He's like, I'm so sorry to do this. I know you're very pregnant. And I. Go ham. Fucking all the girls don't wear capes. Like go ham. Oh yeah. Send me all the pictures and everything. So I couldn't deny it or anything, but I didn't even want to. I knew he probably did something stupid, but I remember feeling nothing. Yeah. I was so numb to it. I was like, oh, it looks like you had a good night. Yeah. It's like when you can start laughing at things like that. That's what I started to do. I started laughing. Came home and I was like, looks like you had a good night. And kink, kink, kink.

And he loses it, but not on me. 'Cause I'm just sitting there like, I'm not fighting him. So he starts getting mad about the guy. He broke guy code. What type of bitch does this? I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna fuck him up. It's like, you don't fight men, you fight women, but all right. - Yeah. Like, no you won't. - No you won't. But so he's messaging him now and I'm just like, I'm just staying out of it. I was like, I don't really give a shit. I hope you had a great night. Like I felt nothing.

And then the pregnancy came. It's the gray rock theory too. That's why he didn't abuse you. Yeah. Because they say to do that with narcissists is just kind of show no emotion because they don't know what to play off of. They're like, fuck, she's not mad. Fuck, she's not sad. I just kept saying, I'm glad you're getting it out of your system. Yeah. Yeah. But he was great at the labor. Good. We had a good solid three days where my dumb ass for one second thought,

wow, maybe it's going to be different. Yeah. Maybe he's going to change for this baby. Yeah. He had to go work a nine to five and that was just way too difficult for him. He was very upset about that. So he'd come home every day throwing a fucking fit. I asked him to pay $500. My, my rent at the time was a 1350, I think, or it might've been,

A thousand two hundred ninety five. It went up every year. So I don't know around there. But I was like, just pay me five hundred dollars because I was blowing through my savings. I was on maternity leave. I'm blowing through my savings. I'm just five hundred a month to help.

That was a lot to ask guys. It was a lot to ask. But I remember one day Kim coming home and I'm like rocking and breastfeeding her and he came home with 250 bucks and he just threw it in my face. And I remember watching the dollar bill hit her face and I was, I moved it obviously, but I'm just staring. I was like, money's so dirty.

money's so and all i remember thinking it was so weird because it was almost like a fog state of mind that i didn't even do anything i didn't say anything i moved the money off her face i just kept looking i was like money is dirty you just put that on your kid money is filthy and i just kept saying that money is so i don't remember why you were crack you you it's like a crack in the matrix that yeah it was the final straw of just like oh there was one more

oh really well i wasn't doing anything i didn't care about him yeah but yeah it was like it was it was like the weirdest i don't even know how to explain it i just remember being like money's so dirty so dirty and then it was really soon after that she was eight weeks old and he i was she slept with me um i was breastfeeding at this point it's like 7 00 a.m and he gets up and he starts blaring music

in my bedroom, first of all. I paid for it. - Yeah. - My bedroom. Blaring music. I'm laying there with this infant, blaring music and trying to work out in the bedroom. And I was like, bro, any other room? I had at this point, four bedroom house with a workout room down here in a garage.

all kinds of places to go. Yeah. Like, why are you in my space? He was like, I need the mirror. And I was like, I'm narcissistic. There's mirrors all over this house, baby. Go find another one. Like, the fuck? And then he was like, I need this bench. And I was like, that bench weighs five pounds. Pick it up, get your workout in, and get the fuck out. Yeah. And he's just, now he's screaming. Oh, well, why don't you just take her and go lay on the couch? Go lay on the, I'm like, you want me to move a sleeping baby? At this point, I think she had just finished eating. I'm like, you want me to move a sleeping baby?

go learn a catch and work out and just really go somewhere else bro that's where I'm getting annoyed just go fucking somewhere else and then he was like well maybe if you got your fat lazy whale ass up you wouldn't look the way you look and start going in and I was like

Okay. Okay. And then I was told to shut the fuck up and I was like, fine. So I just laid there and he is screaming all these horrible things at me and I'm just looking at her. So I'm like, if I remain focused on her, I don't need to fight him. Right. I'm just going to focus on her. He'll eventually calm down and leave. Well, he did not. He takes my fan, throws it across the room and then he's like, so you're just going to fucking ignore me? I was like, you told me to shut the fuck up. Remember? So he immediately comes over and that's when he gre-

Stay tuned to next week's episode to see what happens in part two of Dumb Blonde Podcast.