Deep Dive
Why is Brian concerned about his ex-wife's suicide?
Brian is worried about how his ex-wife's suicide will impact his children, particularly his two younger daughters who had recent, intense arguments with her before her death. He is also reflecting on his role in the estrangement between his children and their mothers.
What advice was given to Brian regarding his children's grief?
Brian was advised to have open, blunt conversations with his daughters about their mother's suicide and his reasons for raising them alone due to her addiction. He should focus on listening rather than fixing their emotions and address any potential resentment they might have toward him.
What is Brian's concern about his other ex-wife?
Brian fears that his other ex-wife, who also struggled with addiction, might follow a similar path to suicide. He feels confused and unsure if there is anything he can do to prevent this outcome.
What does the speaker suggest about addiction and maturity?
The speaker explains that while someone may become clean and sober, their emotional and psychological maturity may still be stunted. Growth and maturity require time and effort after stopping substance use.
How does the speaker recommend Brian handle his daughters' grief?
The speaker advises Brian to have multiple conversations with his daughters about their mother's suicide, listen to their feelings, and avoid assuming they will fall apart. He should ask questions and create a safe space for them to express their emotions.
- Ex-wife committed suicide
- Two younger daughters are distraught
- Older children are estranged from their mother
- Brian seeks advice on supporting his daughters and reflecting on his past actions
Shownotes Transcript
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Hear the winner's stories now by visiting BeThereWithCare.com. Contest ended November 15th. Official rules at BeThereWithCare.com. Thanks for downloading my Call of the Day podcast. You too can participate in my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Brian, welcome to the program. Hi. Hi, Brian. Yes, I just...
I'll jump right in. I'm a 66-year-old man. I have four adult children, all four of them. I raised two different mothers, raised them alone from various ages. How did that happen with two different women? How did you end up doing that? I don't get it.
Well, I got married and had two children and got divorced and then got custody of those two children. But how did you end up raising those two kids? What happened to the mother? The first mother had substance issues. I had to basically rescue my children from her, and she left. The second one? Same thing. You married two women with substance problems? Not. They didn't have the problems when I married them, or at least I didn't know. So, yeah.
I didn't have any. So, so anyway, what has happened is, is in the last, and all four of my kids are estranged from their mothers. So my two younger daughters are 25, 29. Their mother, they, in the last couple of weeks, they had, I guess, pretty,
heavy duty, ugly conversations with each other while their mother hung herself to death a couple of days ago. And so I'm, uh, that was a shock and, um, well, sort of a shock. She was, she was in bad shape, but I hadn't spoke with her in a long time, but, or, or I'm at, I've got a kind of a twofold issue here. Um, one of them is kind of the immediate, um,
immediate advice on anything other than what that would seem natural, something that maybe I haven't thought of how to console them and deal with them. One of them is very distraught. The other one seems very stoic about it. And kind of the secondary issue is it's made me kind of reflective in the last couple of days of
of what maybe I can do or what maybe I've done, participated in or exacerbated the problem of why my kids were estranged from their mother. And if there's anything I can do in the future, at least for my older kids. Well, let's see. You divorced the mother because she was into drugs or alcohol. Well, then why would you expect kids to cozy up to that same woman? You left her. Right.
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Loans originated by SoFi Bank N.A. Member FDIC. Terms and conditions at SoFi.com slash paid off. NMLS 696891. Well, no, you're right. I think she's clean now. It's more of a sense of I don't know if... I feel really bad that my younger daughter's mother did what she did, and it's a really selfish thing in my opinion. But...
I'd sure hate to see that happen again to my other kids. So I don't know if I have, if there's anything I can do. Oh, so because the two women have a similarity, you're thinking the other one now is that somehow you did something and she's going to kill herself. I don't know. I just want to make, I'm confused a little bit. Anything you want to do, you can't do. Anything you want to do to make the future be different is totally out of your control.
And there is no way to dissect out if you're the cause of her killing herself. I would hardly think that's true. What is going to be important is that at least several times over the next months, the three of you, the two younger daughters, the three of you talk about all of this. You talk about all of this bluntly. Say, you know what? This is terrible for you, but, you know, I had to raise you alone because she was an addict.
And that somebody is clean and sober doesn't, may I finish my sentence? That somebody is clean and sober doesn't mean they've matured. The process of maturing stops when somebody is using and the opportunity to grow starts when they stop using. But it takes time and it's effort on that person's part. So you need to really explain that. Right. And then listen to them out and stop presuming that they're going to fall off a cliff.
This is the thing that a lot of parents do. Oh, the kid's just going to go insane and fall apart if I don't do something. If they're handling it well, then they're in denial. So relax. This is another job for you to do as dad is to listen, not fix. Listen to them. So take many opportunities to talk about it before the funeral, if it hasn't happened already. Take many opportunities to talk, but please, you do most of the listening.
You can ask some questions, like either one of you kind of pissed at me over this. Just asking. It's okay if you are, but let's talk about it. So you can bring things to discuss. Now go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.
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