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This episode...
Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome back to Hit Podcast Distractible. I'm your host for today because I am a winner. By which, of course, I mean I won by giving up on almost every dream I ever had. I'm joined, as usual, by my two competitors for today's episode, Mark and Wade. Woo-hoo! Hello! Hello!
If you've never seen the show before, I'm the host, which means I get to make up the rules and also I will be assigning points. The guys are competing to earn as most points as possible as most close enough, but the
Points don't really matter, and maybe having the most points isn't even the goal. Who knows? It's all just made up. But it's very closely documented. I have a book here that I write everything down in. It's very official. But it doesn't matter. But it's important to keep close track and accurate record. But who cares? I have a sort of a game we're going to play today. But before we get into the game, it is custom and tradition in our great nation of Distractible to begin with small talk. So how are you guys doing today?
How's it hanging? Mark, yes. Oh, I was just saying hello. I thought you were raising your hand. Me, me. He really wants to go. Okay, all right. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I have finally gotten my hands on the mythical 61 terabyte hard drive. Oh my God. Rip it out and show us. I don't have it right here, actually. I just missed the package of it.
I thought you had your hands on it. No, I actually, I would have had my hands on it, but you know, we did the last episode and I was like trying to track this package and you know, they can show it on the map sometimes. I kept saying like error. We can't, something went wrong. Can't show it. He was like, oh, okay. I guess it turns out they already tried to deliver it and that didn't get to me, but I will soon.
Have my hands on the mythical 61 terabyte hard drive. It's actually two of them. Well, that it's two of them is more impressive, but that you don't actually have them is way less impressive. That's cool, though. That's pretty big. I saw a like a tech blog, not an official thing, but I saw people theorizing that like large terabyte hard drives are in the near future, like in the next four years, it will be very commonplace to have a 60 terabyte drive.
because we're reaching another sort of breakthrough point where memory is going to like double and double again in the next short period. God, imagine the number of battle passes I can have on games then. I could have so many gacha games installed on my phone when it's 60 terabytes. Yeah. I miss the days when it was like, man, four terabytes! Four! Oh!
I'll never fill this. My first computer that I had that was like mine, which was a hand-me-down, but like my dad gave me his old computer when I was in maybe middle school, maybe high school, somewhere in there. I had a 10, 20 gigabyte hard drive.
And I never filled it up. I never had the issue of like, oh, better delete some stuff. I just installed all the games I wanted. I'm pretty sure I played StarCraft and the Brood War expansion on that computer and the original Call of Duty and all kinds of stuff. How much storage was on like a 1995, like Windows 95, like a gig?
probably like eight or 16 gigs somewhere in that region. I can't believe Minesweeper takes up a terabyte now. It'll be really fun when you have those hard drives, Mark. I can't wait for you for that. Thank you. It will be really boring because I'll be like, now I can have the entire project on one enclosure as opposed to strewn across two. I mean, that is kind of a big deal, really, but it's, but maybe not to everyone, but I
unfortunately you'll have to be filming in 16k 16 times the detail it just works well you know i they can they're they they do have a camera now they could do 16k but i'm just like 240 fps and what would you watch it on yeah what yeah what the hell would you watch it on exactly isn't the um isn't the sphere in las vegas it's it's
Big pixels, but isn't that in 16K or something ridiculous? You need to render video in 16K for that. In four years, everyone will have one of those in their home. Every house will just be a sphere, a $3 billion sphere. High quality, like really incredible movie theaters still only project 4K because they don't need to be any more resolution because your eyes can't tell from that distance at that size. It can't tell. Well, what if you're in the front row?
And you super can't fucking tell. All you're doing is staring at Matt Damon's chin for all of Bourne identity. Dude, I saw I forget which one I saw one of the Bourne trilogy, the original trilogy movies in. I accidentally was in the first row because I was a kid and I was like, oh, we should sit in the first row. That'll be epic.
I have no fucking idea what happened in that movie. Like it was all the fight scenes and stuff because they're all so tight in those movies and nothing. It's just a lot of elbows and rolled up magazines and I don't know. That's fun.
I've never sat in the very front row. I'm always tempted to sit in the front section or two, but never the front row. Maybe like the sixth row? Nah, it's not the move. It's not the move. I don't like being in the back anymore, because now that I'm in the back, I'm like, why am I going to the theater whenever it feels like I'm just at home looking at a screen a mile away? Well, yeah. I mean, the back row. Yeah, the back row is not what you want either. You want to be like...
two or three rows up from the front of the upper section. My goal is to have my line of sight be about two thirds of the way up the screen. So you're like kind of high up, but it gives you like a nice, pleasant viewing angle if you're just sitting comfortably. So you're not looking down or like this. But it really depends. Some theaters sound really garbage if you're too far back.
And it's better to be further forward and have a better sound experience. This feels like the Big Bang episode where everyone tries to pick the right spot and Sheldon's like sitting somewhere random. He's like, this is the auditory sweet spot. Yeah, doesn't he do something really annoying to test that? Like scream or something? I don't remember, but I remember that episode now that we're talking about this. They're like, oh, perfect viewing angle. And he's like, no, over here is where the sound is the best. But the popcorn actually tastes the best if you are two thirds to the left.
of the screen does it oh yeah yeah because you get the right airflow in from the entrance especially if the entrance is on the left yeah the coordination of all the radiation from every source is focused right there yeah it really just cooks at the right amount i prefer to sit in the electromagnetic conversions of the theater myself
Just don't lean forward or your head will explode. If you mess up the resonant frequency of your skull, you're in big trouble. I like being approximately 200 feet from the exit door. That way, if the alarm goes off, I know I have precisely the amount of time the average person uses to escape. Sounds like a thing you would say. I'm too lazy. I'm just like, I'd rather finish. I'll finish the movie. If I die, I die.
Keep it rolling! They always say the projectionist goes down with the theater. I don't have anything else that interesting. You haven't had anything, so... Dude, I'm a Bengals fan, man. Life sucks right now. You don't even know. You don't even know how bad it could suck. Just wait till next week. I bet Jero Burrow breaks his wrist again. I mean, I guess then I don't have to worry about the offense being good and the defense being the worst I've ever seen in my life. It's so... We have... I think it's got to be one of the top two offenses...
and probably the worst defense. And it's just so painful to watch everything go so right on one side of the ball and so wrong on the other and still lose every game. Pain. If you don't watch sports, don't start. Don't ever start. If you're a betting man, at least you can feel comfortable always taking the over on Cincinnati. Because there's no way they're going to stop anyone from scoring any number of points.
Let me be honest, I haven't recorded an episode of Go in a little bit, but I don't know what the situation is. You've forgotten sports? Yeah, I don't know what the situation is, so I don't know if I should feel bad. The Bengals are one win, three losses right now. One and four, aren't we? Is it four now? I don't know. Feels like...
They've never won. But the last game was especially crushing because they could have won it and they really gave it away. And it was the Ravens. Patriots, Chiefs, Commanders, Ravens. Yeah, we're one in four. But Joe Burrow's thrown the most touchdowns of any quarterback in the league. He's killing it. It's doing great.
Like our offense is averaging like we had a bad first week, but other than every other game, since we're averaging like 34 points a game, but the defense is giving up like 34.5 points a game, which on any other team in any other city in the entire league is probably enough to be undefeated. How,
are they losing the defense has been that bad no matter how good the offense is the defense has found a way to be somehow worse offense better every week the defense worse every week this is as much a reflection on the player who did it as the defense but my favorite example of this from this past week is not the quarterback for the Ravens
He was... They were close to scoring. They were approaching the end zone. And he was in the shotgun, so he was back from the center. He dropped the snap and was like...
frantically like, Oh, I gotta get the, like, and you'd assume like that means it's a bad play, right? He does that. Our, our defensive line is like coming to get him. He's in impending doom. He picks up the ball and is frantically like, Holy fuck scrambles runs all the way from the middle of the field to the, to the very sideline, keeping the play alive. And then as he's like flying full speed out of bounds across his body, just goes,
and throws a perfect strike touchdown pass to a wide open guy 30 yards away. Like our defense is so incompetent that they literally fucked their own play up and still got a touchdown and we couldn't do a thing about it. It was just miserable. That's sad. It was an incredible play. He's a very good quarterback.
And there's a reason he was MVP for like the last two seasons or whatever. Like he's very good and it was impressive, but also one person had to do something on our side of the ball to prevent any of that from happening. And no one could do anything. It wasn't even like the whole team is like, if one guy had done one thing correctly, none of that could have happened. Cause it was an unbelievable, like long shot play. Very crazy. Very depressing.
It is a clown show, man. It's like taking people that don't know what football are, telling them to line up in specific spots, not giving them any instructions. Then the other team snaps the ball and everyone's just running around like,
Do we guard them? Do we guard a spot? Oh, they're behind me. What do I do about that? Do I stand here and look or do I get them? I don't want to go hurt the quarterback. I shouldn't tackle him. So maybe I'll just stand here and. No, it's like it's like those when you see like high school football or younger where there's one kid who's clearly just like
way bigger than the rest of them. And the whole other team is trying to tackle him and he's just like, and runs into the end zone and just, it's like that, but we're the kid and every other person in the entire league is the good kid at football, but Joe Burrow's doing great. It's fine. That's all you need. Yeah.
It's pain. That's all you need. Yay. I'm glad I came back to this city to root for this football team. I saw a stat where our head coach, like since he's become the coach of our team, we're like 12 and 30 in one score games. Like very close games. Don't win them. That's all you need. That's the Bengals way. It's an organizational tradition. Really? You don't watch sports. Don't start. It's only pain.
That's all you need. No, dude, I'm not. Hockey season starts literally this week. I think Wednesday, the season opener for the Blue Jackets starts. They were the worst team in the entire league last year. They were the actual bottom of the whole league. I love hockey, but it's going to be a long year trying to root for Columbus. I almost missed those days because now that our team's had some success, we're kind of like, dude, we can make the playoffs, but maybe we can make a run again. I missed the pre-2021 team where it was like,
Dude, we won four games last year. All we got to do is win five and we're better. I kind of miss that feeling of like low expectations. It's it's less pressure for sure. And of course, Andy's Andy Dalton, who was quarterback for the Bengals for a while, just living it up in Carolina. They lost, I think, this week, but still like he's played great in Carolina. He looks good. He's smiling. He's having a good time. Happy for that, dude. I love Dalton. Miss him. I love Burrow. Don't get me wrong. I'd rather have Burrow, but like I love.
Nah, good for Dalton. Anyway, Mark, that's what's going on in the world of sports. Chiefs still win, the Bengals still lose, and fuck my life. Okay, yeah, it's all targeting you specifically. We all know this. Main character syndrome. Had a bad one at that. This is like my, instead of going to hell, I reincarnated as a guy with bad luck. Bad plumbing, bad sports. That's what your character card says. Way tall, bald. Good at basketball? Eh. Bad plumbing, bad sports. Yeah.
Nothing about my charisma or my great joke? I was going to make some jokes about it, but I was trying to get to the punchline faster. I made the wrong choices in the middle there. We've all made the wrong choices in the middle of things. You know how it is. I mean, that's the story of my life. I'll do something. It'll be working and I'll be like, it's too easy.
Better change. Better change everything. Better try every other thing than the thing that's working right now. Must be a fluke. Just a series of failures after another. Then I come back to the thing I did before and I can't do it right even when I try to do the thing I originally did. It's just me playing Getting Over It. Well, better change everything again. If you're playing Getting Over It right now, I'll watch. No, I'm not. I don't want to. I don't want to. I mean, that's fair. I win the episode if Mark can't beat Getting Over It. He wins the episode if he beats it. Ready? Go. In the episode? Yeah. Speak.
Speed run it, Mark. What's your fastest time? Eight minutes? I saw someone do it in two minutes, man. You got this. My fastest time is like a month and a half. I don't know if that's going to work. Well, I tried. Sorry, viewers.
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Well, should we move on to the game portion of today's game show? Sure. Unless there's more small talk. I don't want to cut you off at the hand elbow. How deep am I cutting you off? No small talk. I've only got big talk left. I'm saving that for the big talk show I do. Oh, OK. Well, it's just a little game show, so don't bring that in here. Anyway, it's October, I think. Pretty sure still it's October.
And that's the month of scary things. And so I'm going to kind of steal Mark's idea that was really successful, but kind of make it my own. I call this game Two Sentence Horror Stories.
I have some sentences that are very mundane things that anyone might say or might be written down. I'm going to give you the sentence as like a prompt. And the idea that I'm stealing from Mark is you're going to alternate who goes first.
And the person who goes first has you can make it as scary as you want. But then the next it's going to be the other person's turn and they have the opportunity to make an even scarier two sentence horror story. Are we making a longer story or just giving alternate endings? No, no, you you are adding
a different second sentence every time. So the final product will be two sentences. And the goal is to make the scariest two sentence horror story that we can. But so you'll have turns to go back and forth. So we could kind of riff. You could use each other's ideas. It's there are points and it's technically a competition because one of you wins. But I'm more interested in seeing how good we can get some two sentence horror stories.
horror stories. That's the whole thing. And I hope these prompts are good. I read a hell of a time. I tried to think through like, oh, what would this be good? But I can't. I have no idea. So I just came up with some sentences and I'm sure you guys will be good at me.
them spooky. But yeah, it's subjective. And if we don't, if we, if there's disagreement, if it is or is not scarier, I'm not sure what we'll do. We'll have to resolve that. But we're pretty good. I mean, when we were doing more stupider, I feel like everyone played pretty fair. We were all good. We're all objective. For sure. Who wants to go first? I'll go first. Mark, Mark waved. I got a sneeze. I'm trying not to, so I can't say a word. You just said a whole bunch of words. Well, I couldn't before because it was right there. It was like the...
You know? Anyway, Mark goes first. All right, Mark, the first sentence is, I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone. And so I come up with the second half of that? Yeah, you give me the second sentence, and it's a horror story, so make it scary. Okay, so say it again. I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone. Well...
I told you, I tried real hard, but I have no idea if these are good prompts, so good luck. Especially since I was in a tent. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
Oh man, that just raises so many scary questions. And then I remembered, I don't have a door. I know, right? Yeah, it's terrifying. You're camping out in the woods, you hear ding dong, fuck, you're done. That's, yeah, that's not good. Everybody knows that's problems. All right, Wade, can you come up with something scarier than, especially since I was in a tent? I think this is subjectively scarier.
I'm not going all out yet. I'm doing the slow burn, but here we go. Don't qualify. Just get me. I peered out the window and saw standing there the tax man.
I mean, Mark's was funny, so I think a lot of things would be objectively scarier than that. I don't know. I thought we were all laughing to compensate how scared we were. Laughing out of fear. Yeah. No way. Maybe. I wasn't going for funny or scary. I just think a little bit scarier. Okay. Well, okay. Mark, I think you can beat that. I believe in you. I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone. Oh.
God, I've almost got something. I've almost got something. Oh, it's gonna... You're gonna shit. You're gonna shit. Go run to the bathroom, everybody. Listen to this. You're about to poop your pants. Um... Especially since I was on the moon.
Hope everyone made it to the bathroom in time. Ah, fuck, shit. I feel like I gotta play this Mark's way, okay. I see the rules, how we're going. I didn't know he was a master craftsman. I've been playing Oregon for a long time. I don't know much to tell. Come,
Comedy of the moment aside, that is scarier than the tax man, I think, technically. And the tent. If you were on the moon and someone rang your doorbell, I would be pretty freaked, especially since I'm on the moon. All right, Wade, what do you got? Dude, how do I follow these up every time? In the first one, I was like, all right, just give something.
The moon. You just gotta think. Mark just takes his time and thinks it through and that's how he comes up with these ideas. I got them. They just sound so mundane compared to his expert delivery of these terrifying locations. Don't be intimidated by my something. You heard the doorbell ring. What was the following? But I wasn't expecting anyone. And as it rang, I looked outside and no one was there. And yet ring it did.
Maybe two sentences, but maybe there's a semicolon in there. Yeah, you know, a semicolon, you know, I think that counts. That's going somewheres. That's going somewheres. I really feel like Mark's about to hit this out of the park, especially since he's so good at this. So the crushing silence after my next one is just going to make me feel so much worse.
Don't build it up to anything, man. No, no, dude, we can't wait. The 10 to the moon? What do you have for us next? It's good that we're not rushing through this either. I only had two sentences, so we got this one and then one other one, so really milk it. Let's say the first sentence again, you gotta lead me into it. I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone. Who?
It was my third night on Firewatch in the middle of the woods, but I still saw a figure standing outside of the windowed door. Mmm. Spooky? Especially because I was in the woods. Especially because I was in a Firewatch tower. Especially because I was underwater. All right, man, you can't have them all. That was scary. Wade, what do you got? Especially because our plane hadn't even landed yet. Ugh.
Is that your real answer? You wake up from the ding, ding, ding. Someone's at the door. Passengers, is your captain speaking? Can somebody answer the door? That's fucking terrifying. Yeah, man. You know what? That's my final answer, because why not? All right. I think that one squeaks through. I'm going to say that probably would be scarier.
I believe in you, Mark. I know you've just been hitting home run after home run and eventually you might get tired, but... I was even more surprised when I looked behind me and they were already inside. Ooh. Sorry we didn't laugh. I feel like we should laugh, but that's...
Like, that's not, that's not what you're going for. I think the original intent was not comedy here. Reverse that ooh and repeat it and hopefully it sounds like laughter. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh
all right wait i heard the doorbell ring but i wasn't expecting anyone and staring at me from outside was my father who'd been dead for 20 years that's kind of cool though yeah i feel like that's that's not definitely scary but like it's scary if you know he was dead for sure i guess you'd probably know if your dad was dead unless like you know well but you know like maybe his boat sunk and they never found the body and so he's dead but like maybe not dead i feel
I feel like following sentence, you describe how like he would dissolve and look not like himself. Oh, it's like a zombie dad situation. Oh, okay. That's not really two sentences, but I'll allow it. Mark, I'm ready. Say the first part again. I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone. Especially because I had no door. Okay.
Can we kiss here for one? No, no, I love this. Especially since I had no hearing.
I think dead dad. That and behind me were both pretty good. I liked the behind me and the dad. I really liked the tent. I feel like we peaked at the start. Last one gets it though. So I think. Well, I might have been giving points out during the entire round. Yes. No, maybe. I don't know. It really depends how you think you did. Anyway, Wade, you go first in this one. All right. My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home.
Which is especially scary because I don't have a dog. I'm in Mark's brain, man. I'm on the especially. It has to start with especially. That's a hard-hitting combo. Especially since blank. All right, Mark, what do you got? Say it again. My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home. He stayed there for years. Every day, always hoping I would come back.
Yeah. Get it? It's more sad than scary, but, you know. It's like the setup. Fry's dog situation. Terrifying. What do you got, Wade? My dog always waits for me by the door when I get home. And I hear my wife talking to him, though she's been dead for a while now. Every day? Every day.
Every day. I feel like I have some guesses as to what's going on there, but yeah, okay, that's creepy. All right, say it again. My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home. It's something. It's coalescing. Hold on. It's coalescing? It's coalescing. Swirling? It's swirling. It's coalescing? Oh, man. But then he wasn't there! But it wasn't there.
He wasn't there. But he wasn't there. But he wasn't there. Every day my dog waits for me. But he wasn't there. But he wasn't there. Terrifying. I got chills, man.
I got one. I got one. Give it to him. You know what? Give it to him. All right, Wade. Hit us with it. Okay. Lead me in. Maybe it'll help if you lead me in. My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home. Each day, a more and more deranged look in his eye, looking at me as though perhaps I'm not friend or family, but maybe food. Okay. Crazy dog. Mark.
Ramp it up. Give me the setup. My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home. Half of him was still there when I arrived. Oh, okay. Yeah. See? See? Yeah. Thought I'd be funny man, huh? Yeah. Yeah. All right, Wade. Ramp it up. Tighten the screw. Lead me in. My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home. But on this day, he wasn't alone. And what was with him? I
can't even begin to describe. Just say the first part of that. I think the, just say the very first part of that. Don't remember how I started it. But today he wasn't alone. That was, that would have been, I think that's all you needed to say. I'll allow Mark's edit of your answer. Wait, it's your turn again. But today he wasn't alone. No, no, that's Mark's answer.
Right, but today he wasn't alone. See, that was Mark's answer. Oh, he gets my answer. He fixed it. He made it scarier. You gave an answer. He gave a scarier answer. It just happened to be your answer, but fixed. So it's Wade's turn again. My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home. And I still see him there, despite the fact the house had burned down.
I don't know why I didn't say anything. I just nodded. For listeners, I was nodding. I don't know if it was a good nod or a bad nod, but he did nod. No, I was sort of assessing it, but I'll take that. Mark's turn. My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home. Even he was fooled by the thing wearing my skin that day. Dad?
That's creepy. That's edging towards creeping me out a little bit. Okay. All right. Cool. Wayne. Lead me in, coach. My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home. But I could tell the ritual was wearing off. The fur was disintegrating. The patches of burned flesh exposed. What do you think, Mark? I think that's creepy. It's creepy. Yeah. It
In very close competition with your skin thing wearing your skin one. My skin marks. Yeah. Skin marks. Your skin mark. Yeah. Where did he get his skin? It's got skin marks all over it. If Mark likes it, then continue. Look, I ain't no judge. I ain't no judge of quality here. I think that's very clear. That's my job. Acceptable. Mark, are you ready? Oh.
My dog always waits for me by the door when I come home. I was so surprised when I approached the door and heard the doorbell ring.
Yeah. Yeah. Hope everyone was holding on to those toilets. Yeah. A plus for callback. Wade wins the point for the ritual, I think. Damn. Oh, man, I had a good follow up. Well, you could say it now, but it's not worth anything. Especially since we were on the moon.
All right, Mark. Here, I'll go in a different direction. I'll skip. How about this one? I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. Hit me again. I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. And then what? Wouldn't I like to know? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
Oh, God. Don't you guys like play a lot of scary games? Oh, yeah. You know, our instinct is not to perpetuate the scary. It's kind of to make fun of it. I'm sorry. I wasn't ready for that question. Okay. I actually have it. I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. Oh, fuck. The seller wouldn't answer my question of why my reflection wasn't looking at me.
Oh. Something. Yeah. All right, Wade. I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. But each time I peered in, my reflection looked older and older. The mirror looked newer. It's kind of a messed up curse, but yeah. That's like Dorian Gray, right? No, that's a painting. The painting ages and he doesn't. It's like inverse Dorian Gray. Mark, I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. Yeah, right. Okay. And action. Action.
Well, you know, the thing about mirrors is they're, uh, there's sometimes you get a, when you have, you know, there's two, there were two, there were two of me in there. There's two, there's two of me.
There's always two with mirrors. Yep, uh-huh. Yep. Good. Excellent. All right, I'll have to top that. That's going to be a tough one. Wade, I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. Looking in, I couldn't make out the man's face behind me, but I was home alone. Good. Spooky.
And then the doorbell rang on the moon. What happened next? Oh, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what happened next. Mark, what happened next? All right, so get laid on me. I'm at a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. It took me too long to realize my reflection wasn't flipped. Maybe something? And then it killed me. And then I exploded. It was one of those digital displays with a horizontal flip. Ha ha ha!
No, antique. Ah, antique horizontal flip. Beautiful antique digital mirror at a garage sale. It's 2036. Uh, Wade, I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. I set it on my desk and was horrified when I saw fingers emerging from its surface. I don't like that. That's very creepy.
Let the genius flow. Don't make me get the hammer. I've got like 17 half ideas that go fluff, fluff, fluff in my mind at the same time. And I keep trying to chase one thread down and it just, I don't know. Hit me again. I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. Something about. Okay. Coalesce this into a real sentence. Editors do your thing. I'm.
I pounded my fist against the mirror as I watched my reflection carry on with my life. I took my wife away and I was stuck there in the mirror as it went on and left me in the mirror dimension where I was stuck forever and suffered greatly.
for all of my sins and banished to eternity in this realm of reflective nightmares. This is like Data doing a William Shatner impression. Don't worry, just wait until the editors get a hold of that. I feel like the first sentence you said was it though. I pounded my fist against the mirror as I watched my reflection carry on with my life. That basically says everything you were saying. That's what
are there for, you know? Mmm. That's good. That's creepy. And then there's a lot of other stuff that went on there, too. Wade, you found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. I didn't buy it. But when I got home, there it was. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Had you for the first half. I didn't buy it. And it would have fit perfectly over the buffet in the front room. All right. That technically was scary. It was there. He got home. I see what you're going for. I feel like you delivered it as a joke, but I see. I see. All right, Mark. 16 ideas left in there. Let's get one of those out. I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. The same one that fell on my...
I shouldn't laugh at that. Why are you laughing? He was still inside. And then there was a doorbell? What are we doing here? Yeah, yeah, no. Yeah, the same one that I had as a kid and fell on my both parents. Each corner hit one of their heads. Instant death. Okay. It's impressive it didn't break when it killed two adult humans. That must be a hell of a mirror. Hell of a mirror.
Do you want to take another shot, Wade? No, man, I don't know if I could top that. I think I kind of wish I had just stuck with the first sentence. I like where we're really digging into some stuff here. I'll concede to my opponent on that one. Thank you. I feel like this was my round.
This episode is brought to you by Batman Arkham Shadow, available only on MetaQuest 3 and 3S. I'm just excited to be able to use Batman's gadgets. Grapple gun. Shock glove punch the rat king. The bat versus the rat. That's going to make for some really good headlines. Become the knight.
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Wade, this one will be extra scary for you. Are you ready for this? Yeah. I finally fixed that leaky faucet in the kitchen. And as I laid to sleep that night, I still heard the dripping, but more than before. All right. Mark, bless us. You gotta lead me into it. I finally fixed the leaky faucet in the kitchen. Uh-huh. Hold on. I had something and it was gone. Man, so spooky. Whoa, that's scary. Ha ha ha!
I appreciate you toning it down so you don't scare us too much, man. Thank you for taking the time to simplify these so I have a chance. God, if Mark was trying right now, guys, I would be fucking pounded to the floor. Man, I gotta fill the episode somehow. I can't just win. Oh, man.
man. Mark, I don't want to, I don't want to spoil this, but you could like use chat GPT if you wanted to. No! Oh, okay. No! You can phone a friend. I'll help you. No, no, no, no. I got this. I finally fixed that leaky faucet. Oh! No, that doesn't make sense. laughter laughter laughter
I was gonna say something like "especially since I was on the space station" or something. I was just like, that would actually be scary if you had a leak in space, but it's like, oh no, you fixed it, wait. Especially since I was on the moon. I fixed it especially since I was underwater. Oh man, good thing I used the scary tape.
I don't think this is my episode. I mean, if you'd start with, unfortunately, I used the scary tape. You're right. God damn it.
Every time you pull... I finally found a talent we might not have. Mark, you should not be a horror author. Luckily, I had a box of organs nearby. I don't know. I think Wade wins that one.
Are you sure? I don't know, man. How scary is this tape before we could... Oh, man. Dude, you don't know. Would you call it horrifying tape? Well, maybe not that scary. More like creepy tape. Yeah. I think Wade takes it. I had ideas, but man, did I lose them during Mark's incredible round. Mark, you go first on this next one. I'm so ready. God, I'm ready.
this is a softball mark there's almost no way i can't i can't see you struggling with this one i i'm giving this to you buddy i had the same dream again last night a scary dream that's presumably now go action i woke up screaming because of how scary it was yeah all right wade top that if you can
I saw them again, coming closer, closer. But thankfully, I still woke up before they got there. Nice, nice. Do you need me to lead you in, Mark? Can we hold your hand? No, lead me in, yeah. Hold my hand. I had the same dream again last night. And when I woke up, the doorbell was still ringing. Fucking boo. Yeah.
Yeah, no, I got it. Yeah, I'm going to count that. I'm going to count that. That would be creepy if the doorbell had something to do with the dream, especially with you. I see it. I see the vision. Wade, leave me and leave me in. I had the same dream again last night. What happened next? Just kidding.
Okay, had the same dream last night, but each day I wake up it's harder and harder to tell. If I'm asleep now? Was I awake then? The line is blurring. That was like three sentences, but I got the idea. There's some colas in there. Maybe it's just me. I'm not good at grammar. Mark, my king, hit us with a winner. I had the same dream again last night. I had the same dream again last night. This time a month had gone by, and they were getting longer.
Didn't expect that, did ya? Nah, I was ready to laugh. I thought we were gonna yuck it up. Lead me in. I want it to be fair. I had the same dream again last night. It became so troublesome, I went online and found that others were having the same dream at the same time. I see where you're going for it, but I think Mark still creeps me out a little bit more. Out of nowhere, Mark remembered what's scary in this world, I think. It's getting older. Ha ha ha!
All right, I feel like we've given a lot of leeway to some not-so-scary answers, but it's fine. It's cool. Whatever. You know what? He threw out a ball, and the ball went in the right direction, and I guess that's fair. I found one scarier option. Oh, no, no. I was saying, like, I did. I don't have one. Don't ask me again. No. Please. God.
- Be done. - Okay. Wade goes first or who went first? Mark went first. So this will be, we'll call this the last one. Wade goes first on this one. This one is ocean or large body of water involvement. Very scary stuff. The waves were almost peaceful as they crashed against the shore. - The waves were offset only by the dark shadows forming underneath. - All right. Mark, the waves were almost peaceful as they crashed against the shore. I can't say those words.
Why can't I say those words? Then I remembered I was looking at the ocean.
Ah, fuck that. Pretty scary to me. Pretty scary. No, it's situationally, yeah, I could see how that would be quite scary. Okay, yes. I agree. I agree. Wade. And then I remembered I had Taco Bell and there was no restroom in sight. That's a problem. Problem, yeah. Terrifying. Yeah, no, that would be pretty horrific. All right, Mark, he got you, Mark. Your turn. Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Here we go.
Wait, hold on. It's like at first in your head, it's like, oh yeah, this is great. And then you say it in your head a couple of times. It's like, well, maybe. Hold on. Give it to me again. The waves were almost peaceful as they crashed against the shore.
How do you... I had the word... Give it to me again. The waves were almost peaceful as they crashed against the shore. Turns out... Fuck. Turns out even an ocean of blood can be beautiful sometimes. Fuck. Fuck.
No, I was like, yes, this could be a great connection, but I couldn't fucking figure out the words. No, I'll take that. I'll count that. Wade. Lead me in. The waves were almost peaceful as they crashed against the shore. To my surprise, they passed through the feet of some horrifying silhouettes beckoning for me to join them. I would say I think that that's a little bit that's close, but a little bit creepier. Do you protest, Mark? No, I don't protest. Yeah, I think that's good. Mark.
Okay, you know in Interstellar, where you're in that planet? Yeah, yeah. And they're like, hey, look at the mountains! Yeah, and then it's in a wave. Bring it here, and then I turned around and those weren't mountains.
The waves were almost peaceful as they crashed against the shore. And then I turned around. They weren't mountains. Yes, that's it. That's what I said. Terrifying. I know. You can give it to me. Literary masterpiece. That's too scary, Mark.
That's, uh, these are two sentence horror stories. Okay. Not two sentence life ruining thought experiments. Okay. Calm down. Unfortunately, I think Wade wins that one. Oh man. My next one is going to be especially terrifying since I was on the moon. Well, throw it out there if you've got one. Uh, especially since we were on the moon. Okay. Well, I got, I got, I got another one. I got another one. Okay. Hey,
It made all the bodies slowly washing up seem at peace. I'm going to give you a point because that was on my internal list of things I thought we would at least get to on this one. Okay, all right, got there. I got to be honest. I thought that one had a lot going on with like footprints on the beach, going into the ocean or hands reaching up or whispers. Oh, we were getting there, man. We were getting there. We're slowly working our way through the stuff. Yeah. Speed round time.
Yeah, yeah. Speed round. All right. Speed round. We're going to play a speed round. This we're moving on to two word horror stories. I'm going to say a word and then you're going to give me a second word that turns it into a horror story. Oh, no. Let's do it. Mark. Football. Human. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Wait. All right. Wait. Football. Plague. Oh.
Yeah. Okay. Mark. Football. Execution. I don't like the sound of that, so I'm going to say that's pretty scary. Wade. Football. Apocalypse. I'm going to say that gets too far out of the horror genre. That gets into the post-apocalyptic, I don't know why football caused the apocalypse type stuff. Isn't that more like action apocalyptic? You can go that route, but like Walking Dead's kind of like horror. All right. All right. Mark's got one anyway. Mark. Football. Butt plug. Ha!
Is that horror? Or is that just uncomfortable porn? It's like body horror. I don't know. It makes things clench inside of me. Wait, football? Catheter. It's not a catheter. Mark wins. That's just ridiculous. I've lost the plot of this game.
Apocalypse, not scary enough. Butt plug. All right, Wade, do you want one shot at the two-word horror story? Give me another word. Hit this one out of the ballpark and win some points. Wade. Wins. Terrifying. All right, yeah, that's it. The word is Wade. Wade wins. Terrifying. Mark. Wade. What? Wade. Scary.
All right. Direct, but honest. I like it. Wade, your word is Wade. Wade Harry. Ah, nice. Yeah, good. Okay, Mark, your word is Wade. Taller. That'd be scary, right? For short people, it is Bob. If it's like the Stephen King story, like instead of thinner, taller. Sure, sure. Sure, Wade. Your word is Wade. Naked. Naked.
That's tough to beat. Mark, your word is Wade. Butt plug. I think that one's only scary to Wade. I'm going to say Wade gets the point. Okay, all right, fine. Is it me with a butt plug or me as a butt plug? Because it could be scary. I was imagining it was you as the butt plug because that was the application. I assume that was the football one that we did. That would be scary for me. I don't want to be someone's butt plug. Yeah, that'd be bad news. Probably.
Or you'd be fine and be bad. I'm not going to think through it. Let's count the points. And for no particular reason, I'm going to read Mark's points first. Mark, I just got to say, before he reads these points, I thought you were on today and your humor was top notch. I have not laughed so hard in a while. Thank you. Home run after home run. Thank you for that. It's good that we were doing two sentence funny stories. Yeah.
Two Sentence Belly Laughs, my favorite game. Mark, you earned points for 60 terabytes of lies. Better change everything. Especially since I was in a tent. Especially since I was on the moon.
But he wasn't there! Uh-huh, and then what? There was two of me! Uh, murder mirror, I forget that one. Whoa, that's scary! Good thing I used the scary tape!
Lasted a month. Body's washing up. Butt plug. For a total of 13 points. Wade, you earned points for Tasty Popcorn Breeze, If I Die, I Die, Depressing Bengal Story, Triple D, I forget what that was. Something about your dad's
Dad's being dead? I don't remember what that was about. That's true. I mean, yeah, it's probably, that's something. But he wasn't alone. The ritual for your dog. But I didn't buy it.
Still dripping. Beach beckons and naked Wade, leaving you with a total of 10 points. And now I'm going to read the negative points out. Oh, Mark, you lost five points for being way, way, way too funny in an episode that was supposed to be more about the scary part.
And Wade, you lost zero points, leaving the total Wade with 10 and Mark with eight points. I can't exactly protest it. I don't think I said a scary thing this entire time. I think the scary tape was probably the scariest thing you said. My favorite Edgar Allen Poe poem.
A drip I heard through the door. A drip I heard nevermore. A drip I heard as I ate a grape. Good thing I used the scary tape. That's really, really Dr. Seuss-y, but I'll allow it. Edgar Allan Seuss? Dr. Edgar Allan Seuss. Yeah, Mark, you earned a lot of points. Unfortunately, they were the wrong kind. Please bless us with your loser speech. Yeah, so everyone that's listening in or watching this is looking to the nearest person around you and saying,
worrying about Iron Lung. Don't worry. It's actually scary. Sometimes.
It's, I swear, I know what I'm doing. Mark showed us some clips and there is a scene where he turns and goes, give me the scary tape! That's where it's actually a reference. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Well, don't spoil it. Listen, guys. No, sorry. Blur that out. Bleep that. Sorry, editors. Fix that. Give me a little time to sort through all this genius. It'll get there, yeah. I like when you break the fourth law and look at the camera and go, then what happened? The fourth law? The fourth law?
Is that the fourth law of filmmaking? Did I say fourth wall? You said law, yeah. Fourth law, fourth wall, fourth law. He broke the fourth, Newton's fourth law. Man, that was actually scary. He broke the fourth law. That sounds bad. That's the fourth most important law there is. Oh my god. Anyway, yep, I lost. But
But did I? But I don't think you did. I think we all won because of you, Mark. But also Wade actually wins. Wade, give us a winner speech. Great episode. I really felt like despite winning, Mark will be most remembered for his
absolutely insanely terrifying responses. They're certainly going to stick with me for a while. So I hope you all can watch something funny after this to help calm yourselves down so you can sleep without too many nightmares. I hope we didn't scare you too much. That's good. Maybe we should put a warning at the top.
just so everyone knows like, Oh, don't listen to this in the dark or, or if you're easily scared, make sure you have your listening buddy. Anyway, congratulations, Wade for being the actual winner and congratulations everybody for hearing what you just heard. Thank you for listening. Make sure you follow the podcast on your preferred platform, but also make sure you watch it on Spotify. Cause there's a video component, but it's only available on Spotify. So if you want to see the genius that you're hearing, uh, that's only available in one place. Uh,
Check us out on socials. Mark is Mark Plyer. Wade is LordMinion777 or Minion777. I am IceCream. Merch, distractiblestore.com. Watch Edge of Sleep. Comes out on October 18th. Keep your ear to the grindstone and keep your nose sniffing because it comes out somewhere on October 18th. Make sure you watch it. I'm surprised you didn't plug that, Mark. I forgot. The plan. That's the end of the show. I'm sorry we scared you so badly that you shit your pants. You can go change now.
Podcast out.