Get More Stupider
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Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Meritocratic Mark gets critical hit rolls, then starts a race to the bottom. Wayworn Wade denies his omnivorous nature, can't make a sarnie, and goes god mode. Beckoning Bob Ross knows a thing or two about baps, has problems flashing, pontifies about steaming piss, and beats on butterflies. From axing ball sacks to boiling eggs.

Yes! It's time for Get More Stupider. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello and welcome to Distractible. Thanks for coming back for another week of quality entertainment. I'm your host Markiplier, here because I won the last episode. I was on fire or something. I don't remember what it was, but I know it was great. It was the best you've ever been. And the reason that I'm here is because I'm going to be the arbitrator of this episode and I'm going to subject these two contestants to my whimsy.

And the Whimsiable people are known as Bob and Wade. That's me. I think of myself as Whimsiable 24-7. I am not Whimsiable today because I remember deodorant. I don't think I remember deodorant today. I actually quite quickly realized that we were recording today, which is not our usual recording day, and then I sprinted in here. I cobbled together on half-assed idea, and I'm hoping and praying to the comedy gods that you...

You guys are both gonna strike lightning and this is going to be amazing. - I'm excited for that, but can I ask a deodorant question before we get started? I've never seen another human being really put deodorant on. And my understanding was, I use a stick, right? And my understanding was you like do it in the armpits

That's where that's designed to go. Do you put deodorant anywhere else on your body? Because I saw a video of someone putting it elsewhere. And I was absolutely baffled. Baffled? Befuddled. That's the word I was trying to say. Did they put it on the elbows of the legs? Or the armpits? The elbows. Ah, man. The armpits.

I'm not doing good. The elbows of the legs. They did like armpits, but then they also went like around the chest up. They just sort of deodorize their read their upper. I'd never seen that. There's only three places, three places you should deodorant armpits, paint,

If you don't have time to brush your teeth, your tongue. Taint? Do you use a different one for your taint? Because that's... Ah, Wade puts the stick on his taint. Well, yeah, there's the Manscaped Ball deodorant. Remember that? That is a thing, but those were just like wipes. I've never used deodorant anywhere but my armpits. I don't wipe it around my chest. I don't tweak my nipples with it. I don't get my back. And I know that there are multiple brands that have a lot of online marketing where it's like full body deodorant. You can put it wherever you want.

But those are different than like the stick that you're supposed to rub up in your pits. Those are just like lotions that that are also smell. Anyway, I know the old axe, the axe commercials used to be extremely unhinged. I don't know what they are today now, if they even do them anymore. But it was always like guy with two cans crisscrossing across his body like this.

like a full three second draw and then women would flock from every direction in the random field that he was in and then sprint towards him and I assume he died. Probably. Isn't that more of a similar to cologne than deodorant though, I guess? I always thought that made sense because that was more of a scent. People used it as deodorant whether or not they were supposed to. If that video is wrong and we're all in agreement that it goes in your pits, that's totally fine. I just literally saw this and I was like, oh no, do I do that wrong? I've never hung out with someone and been like,

Oh, did you forget to deodorant your chest? I don't know. I don't know what happened, but in college one time, because I use deodorant fairly regularly, I hope. You hope? Often go out anymore, so sometimes I forget. Bob was lying awake just like...

No, one time in college, though, I went to work out in the University of Cincinnati Athletic Center. It's a very nice athletic center. And I think something went wrong with my deodorant because for some reason that day, the smell of my deodorant like multiplied.

10 times. Like I uncapped it and I pulled the golden stick that day and just like 10 times the power of deodorant. And it was so pervasive that I went there with this other guy. I forget what his name is. The only reason I know him is because we went to work out together. I realized that we would change out sets and when he would go to where I was sitting, he would like blink his eyes like they were stinging. Oh, oh.

And I know it wasn't because I stank, it was because the smell of this deodorant was so strong. And I don't know what I did. It's not like I sat there and just like wiped my pits for 10,000 rotations, it's just that it, for some reason, was really- I hit a critical strike on my deodorant that day.

He's like, Mark, you smell too good today. Oh my God. Oh, you knew my workout partner. That's me, Mark. We used to do the bells, remember? You know, the workout bells. I can't open my eyes anymore because you're deodorant, Mark. I like how whatever Wade is doing a character now involves closing his eyes. I like that part of here. That's how I do it.

closed his eyes for the guy he was like I'm glad I'm not insane or maybe we're all wrong because that I feel like that has happened before I just thought I literally just watched that video it was akin to when you guys you've told the story before but it was when you and Molly came with us to fondue and I saw Molly put two pieces of meat on the same thing and put it in the fondue and I was like that's not

Possible? What the fuck is happening? Oh, wait, that is possible. I just never did that before. Bob sees a shish kebab and freaks out. Vegetables and meat! If you have vegetables and meat on the same kebab, you're doing it wrong. Cook time's not the same. You want to have all the stuff on the kebab have the same cook time so you can get nice and perfect. Plus, who wants vegetables?

when there's meat do you eat vegetables do you eat any vegetables i think we talked about this a reasonable amount but yeah we always make fun of you for not eating vegetables but then you do you just only eat certain ones right you eat like asparagus and asparagus broccoli i like okra i've had okra in a long time uh peas corn green beans i don't know if baked beans count as a vegetable i feel like they probably shouldn't they're pretty unhealthy the way they're served nope

I mean, there's still beans. Beans are legumes. Are legumes... I don't know if all beans are legumes. Are they vegetables? But are green beans not vegetables? I don't know.

No, green beans are vegetables, but you eat the whole shell and there's a lot of fiber. There's a technical definition of vegetables and then there's a category of food that on your plate that's divided and you get the vegetable corner. Beans are generally considered to be both vegetable and a protein source. Botanically, they're legumes, which are plants, which produce fruits or seeds in a pod.

Yeah, they're vegetables. I don't like lettuce, but I do like, um, like if a salad's made of like spinach leaves, I like that. But lettuce is one I've never been able to get. I don't know. Lettuce and celery for some reason or two that I just can't wrap my head around. Do you know all the kinds of lettuce? Have you tried all the kinds of lettuce? That's probably accurately, I've not tried all kinds probably. I've probably tried like, I don't know, different salads that they serve at restaurants. I'm like, God, this is terrible. Unless they have like the spinach leaves. I'm like, oh, this is actually pretty good. But typically my biggest hang up a salad is not the,

Even the lettuce. It's the dressing. I don't like dressing. You don't like dressing. I guess that's not surprising. You eat dry hamburgers, which is just weird. Well, it's cheese. Melted cheese. That's not a sauce or a dressing. That's still dry. That's dry. It was liquid for a little bit when it melted, but I think it's still solid, you know, when it hits your mouth. There's bread. It's that wet. If you put ketchup, like, I don't mind the taste of ketchup on a burger, but I hate a soggy bun. Look, I'm all about textures, man. Buns can survive a lot of stuff if you toast them. And good restaurants toast. What are we talking about?

I have no idea. How did we get back onto making fun of Wade for food things? I don't know. I still can't open my eyes, man. All right. Well, that's great for both of you. Is that your small talk or is there other things that have occurred in your life? I don't think that was small talk. That was just an opening to your... We had a deodorant question. That was just a thing that was on my mind. You know, it's burning a hole in my brain. Yeah, I don't want to lose my small talk to that because I don't think I got to bring anything up yet. Yeah, what do you got? Absolutely nothing, actually.

All right. Oh, wait, I have a gripe. Is it 1998 again? Or am I just no, don't answer the second part. I'm dealing with technology that is working in a way that I haven't had to deal with in such a long time. I'm trying to set up a camera security cameras around the outside of the house.

And I got these cameras and it was not super clear that you also needed like a little hub thing to manage the cameras. That's on me. I could have done better research probably and figured that out beforehand. So I also got the hub, but I'm in this thing now where I got the hub and I plugged it in and I set it up and it was on the Wi-Fi and I was like, good, now I'll do the cameras. And I went to set up the first camera and the hub was like, oh, you got to update the firmware. And I was like, ah, that makes sense. And then I go to do that in the app.

on my phone and the hub is like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. You got to get a flash drive and you got to download a bin file onto the flash drive. And then if you just plug that into the to the hub, it'll just automatically get the files off of there and update itself.

What fucking year are we in that that's what I have to do to update firmware on a piece of Wi-Fi enabled technology? What happened? Yeah, I hate the Internet of Things, but you would think that they would have gotten that down by now. Like the whole way the Internet of Things works doesn't really work very well.

No, I specifically could have gone a much harder route and got a non-internet managed security system and done. That would have been fine. And it would have been all offline, locally stored video. Great. Perfect. I did this for ease of use. And now I got to find a fucking flat. Do you have a flash drive? I don't have.

have one i used those in college a decade ago and now i don't i haven't used a fucking flash drive in forever i mean i had to buy a bunch of flash drives to install windows or an operating system on a new computer you still have to do this like with a flash drive which makes sense like it's a big file but for something like that that's supposed to be connected to the internet like it is it's on the internet i can access it on my phone and i look and i'm like update your firmware and he's all

And I have to say, I tried to do it last night. I did. I bought a flash drive. And the second most annoying thing that I hate about technology that works in this way is why is it so fucking hard to find the file I'm supposed to download? If you want me to go download a file, that better be like one or two clicks deep in the website you sent me to. I looked for 20 minutes. Granted, it was midnight and I was supposed to be going to bed and I was tired. So maybe I was an idiot. I looked for 20 minutes on the website and couldn't find the firmware update file. And I gave up because I was like,

I've done this. I remember doing this a lot over a decade ago when everything in the world didn't fucking have Wi-Fi. Anyway, it just blows my mind in a world where everything updates itself. And the most common problem is, oh, it updated and logged me out. You know, stuff like that. This fucking thing won't even download its own firmware update off the Internet. It's making me get a flash drive. Well, that's because it's already on the hub. There's just another port of the hub you have to plug it into and it gives you the update and you unplug it and put it into the other one and it downloads it.

Also, the discourse around this is really funny. People younger, people younger than us who didn't grow up with this type of technology, who only know things that will update automatically when they're on Wi-Fi are on forums out there being like, wait, so I get a flash drive and I'm

I did that and I plugged the flash drive in, but it didn't do anything. And the guys on the forums are like, did you put the file on the flash drive? Did you extract the zipped file? Because it's zipped on the whip and then you extract it onto the hard drive. You have to make sure it's in the root folder. It can't be in a subsequent folder. And ever on all these kids, the younger people who've never done this are like, what?

What do you mean? Why doesn't it just update? And we're not making fun of them because when we had to do this for the first time, it was also like, what? I have to do what? After a certain number of times of having to update the firmware on your router with a flash drive, with a bin,

on it or whatever. You figure this out. But growing up, having never had to do this, I don't blame anyone who doesn't fucking understand. I don't understand why this is still a way technology works, but that's just me telling everyone to get off the phone so we could dial up to the Internet so we could download something onto our flash drive. Those were the days.

I, what? We had DSL. So pretty early on, we got, we ended up getting DSL. We had Roadrunner back when it was cool that it was Roadrunner. And we were like, yeah. Fun fact, my mom used a Roadrunner email. I swear to you until like five years ago, when are they finally fully shut everything down? And we're like, you cannot access this email anymore. It's still, my parents still have that. They have an email. That's their username at columbus.rr.com. And the RR stands for Roadrunner.

Anyway, that's my small talk. Lots of complaining coming for me today. Look forward to a really positive episode, everybody. I wonder how many... Sorry, my brain stopped. You all right? I was going to say hard drives. I was like, no, it's flash drives. And my brain was like, harsh, harsh drive. How many harsh drives would Iron Lung take, Mark?

It depends on the size. Which size drive? You can get pretty big flash drives. Yeah, I mean, what are we talking about? I'm thinking of like the little freebies you'd get like going to a PAX convention where it was like... Like 32 gig flash drive or 8. Divide 110 terabytes by... No, don't divide it by .08. Multiply it by .008. Yep. No, wait. Divide it by .008 because it's going to be a big number of flash drives. All right. Take how many? 110 divided by .08? .008.

It's going to be an enormous number. 13,750? Yeah, that makes sense. That's a lot of flash drives. Of 8 gigabyte flash drives, yeah. Dude, I remember when I went to college. I'm an old man today. When I went to college, I remember when I got my first flash drive I ever had. And it was like a little like...

And it was a four gigabyte flash drive. And I remember I got that and I was like, oh, never fill that up. I could just keep everything on there. Oh, my God. My whole computer has a 10 gigabyte hard drive in it. And then half of that's Windows. Damn. Those were the days. Man, I'm feeling older by the second with this conversation. Oh, man. We're very old, Mark. We should do an episode about that. All right.

Are you boys ready? Yes. Born ready. How loose are your lips? They're bad. How bad? Still attached. That's great. That's great. Because welcome to the game show called Get More Stupider! Uh-oh. I mean...

All right, all right, okay, all right, okay, all right, all right. So here's how this game works. We're going to go back and forth. You guys are going to start as you are, however you are, as you are. I'm already in the lead, Bob. Yeah, wait, this seems biased. This isn't fair. No, no, no, no. It's totally fair, Bob. So what you're going to do, Bob, since you got more small talk points, I'll let you go first. You're going to explain a topic.

You're just going to explain in a brief one or two sentences, couple sentences, whatever, one paragraph. You're going to explain a topic that I give you. Then Wade's going to do it and he's going to explain it more stupider. And then it'll go back to you, Bob, and you'll explain it even more stupider.

OK, and then it'll go back to Wade and he'll try to explain it even stupider than you explained it. And it'll go back and forth until we reach the bottom of who's explained it the stupidest while still being able to understand the directions. I have to understand how to how this thing works or how to do this thing. And it'll go until I don't understand how to do this thing.

Are you picking the topics or are we picking the topics? I'm picking the topics, but I mean, technically, I suppose we could try. What I'll do is I'll try that with the topic I have. I have a list. And then if you want to try, we could try one where. So we shouldn't go as dumb as possible right off the bat. We should work our way down. You want to shave it down because you want to leave yourself room on the next level. If you got to go again. Are you boys ready? I don't know. Bob, I want you to explain to our audience out there and me how.

cpr works oh good the thing i definitely understand good okay cpr the first thing you need to do is get the person laying flat on their back get their head stabilized so that their head is up in the neck and then you check as much as best as you can and make sure their airway is not blocked because it doesn't really matter if they're not getting oxygen if you do the next parts if they have an airway and hopefully they're not

exploded. I think you do a rescue breath. You take a deep breath and blow a rescue breath, hold their nose, blow a rescue breath into their mouth and fill their lungs with oxygen. And that's kind of the only time you do that for a little while. It used to be you would do the breath every like 10 or 15 pumps. But now now the oxygen lasts long enough. You mostly focus on the pumping. So once you have airway, good breath in the mouth, you get your hands. Forget exactly. You sort of like lock your fingers, something like this, and you go up,

over them and down into their sternum really forcefully. You kind of, you want to pump at approximately the tempo of like staying alive. Ironically, you want to like, ah, ah, ah, ah, stay. And you're going to, you're going to break bones. It's going to sound horrific. Their sternum is going to crack. It's going to feel and sound awful. That's correct.

And you're basically trying to circulate the blood through their body, make sure mostly that the brain still gets blood. And I think every, I forget what it is now, but there's something like every 30 seconds or 60 seconds, every once in a while, pause with the crushing their chest and you blow another breath into their mouth just so there's some fresh oxygen in their lungs because the blood is supposed to be circulating the oxygen. So the oxygen is important.

But yeah, basically you just keep doing that until someone who knows what they're doing shows up or you pass out because it is exhausting and you do your best to try and keep them alive. All right. Excellent. That was a pretty thorough description. I appreciate the information. Now everyone out there knows how CPR works and a rough understanding of how to do it. I am not certified. That's all hearsay information, but I don't know if we need to say that on the show anymore, but I just want to make sure. We're getting stupider. So yeah, yeah, absolutely.

All right, Wade, please explain that, but stupider. Sure. So, never done it, but I'm pretty sure you want to make sure they're laying a butt towards Satan, eyes toward God. You want to listen. If the batteries ain't working, you go up, hold their nose, you give them a little mouth-to-mouth with some blowy.

That doesn't jumpstart them. Put your hands together, but not like this. It's more like flat one way or another. You put it right on their heart and then pick a song, any of your favorites, and just start, you know, doing the beat to the song. And that should get them like jazzed up a little bit where they're like, you know what? Life wasn't so bad and they should come back. Do that for a bit and then do some more breathing in their mouth.

Well, that should get him back. He really shaved it just a little bit off there. It definitely didn't fall off a cliff right immediately off the bat. Yeah, no, I think I understood the directions, though. I think I got a general understanding. I really appreciate that explanation.

I think I'm going to save a life. Bob, please explain it even stupider. All right. You got someone laying on the floor. They seem like they're dying. What you need to do is picture a whoopee cushion. This person is now your human-sized whoopee cushion.

You wanna start, as you do with all good whoopee cushions, by filling her up. Go to the holes on the top, plug one, blow in the other, fill her up. You'll see it fill up. And then you gotta go down to the middle part and just squeeze it until it feels like it's empty in there. And you wanna keep cycling that back and forth. You wanna make sure you hear lots of cracking, lots of horrible sounds.

The human whoopee cushion is really more of a crunchy, crumbly type of whoopee cushion as opposed to the nice juicy farts that you get out of a real one. But that's the goal. Fill her up and then you crunch it out. Fill her up, squeeze it out, back, forth, back, forth. Then save a life. That is an incredibly accurate description of how to do CPR.

I can't believe how well that analogy works. Probably enough to get someone there, right? All right, Wade, are you able to explain it even stupider? Make out in trampoline time. I'll come back. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

That's that guy. Super, super equal shorter. Got it. I really like that, but I have to say it was really dumb, but I believe that would lead to people jumping on their chest. And I don't think that that's an accurate way to do whoopee cushions. Oh, God.

Actually, that's exactly how you do Whoopi questions, Mark. You ever used one? You're totally right. I feel like I just got robbed of a point. Everyone just heard it in real time. Wait, I gave you a bonus point in the round.

I'll tell you why later. I'm going to give that one to Bob. Because I think that I love the trampoline analogy. It's very funny. Oh, no. Whoopie cushion was good. Whoopie cushion was good. It's not just that. It's like I think the directions are there. So I'm going to give that one to Bob there. All right. Next round. Wade, you're going to start and you're going to explain how...

to make a sandwich. Well, to make a sandwich, first you have to get the ingredients. So go to the store, get yourself some bread, whatever you want in the middle of the sandwich, peanut butter, jelly. Maybe you want to get some lunch meats, some cheese, condiments. You know, if you want your mayo, your ketchup, mustard, so on and so forth. If you want any greens, go ahead and get all those ingredients. Make sure the date is good. You don't want them to be expired. Go check out, buy your ingredients, get home.

Get yourself a plate, napkins at the ready. You want to make sure you have your silverware for proper spreading. Take a slice of bread. Go ahead and start piling up in the order that you prefer. I like meat at the bottom, cheese on top or peanut butter first and jelly on top. Maybe you like it the other way around. I get it. Condiments as needed. Maybe you want to make a double decker and put even more meats and so on and so forth.

Point being, make it the way you want it and you enjoy it. Once you have all of those ingredients piled on top, put your other slice of bread. Now if you want to, you can go ahead and take the top slice of bread and put some mayo, your ketchup, so on and so forth, and put that on top. Again, apply where you'd like it. Put it on your plate, grab your napkin, clean up your mess, you don't want to leave a mess, put your, you know, colds back in the fridge, so on and so forth. Have a seat, take a bite, enjoy your sandwich.

That was a really great description of how to make a sandwich and also so inclusive. I'm glad that you appreciated all the varied tastes out there for all the sandwich lovers. You don't like a sandwich? Go fuck yourself. We don't like you here. Yep. Anyway, Bob, please explain how to make a sandwich even stupider.

Okay. Well, that was how you make a sandwich for a social media post. I'm going to tell you how to make a real sandwich. 90% of sandwiches in the world are made in this way. It's 1148 PM. You don't really need to be eating, but you're really kind of hungry. You didn't have enough dinner. Go downstairs, get the bread out, put two slices of bread down on the counter, straight on the counter. Don't nothing underneath it. Get the mayonnaise out, get your bologna out, realize you don't have any cheese, get some barbecue sauce out because you don't want to just have mayonnaise and bologna mayonnaise on the bun.

lick the knife clean, barbecue sauce, spread that out.

Two slices of bologna, maybe three, depends how hungry you're feeling. Close that bad boy up, shove everything back in the fridge, toss the knife next to the sink in case you have another sandwich in 20 minutes because you wouldn't want to get another knife dirty because that's stupid. Eat the sandwich standing in the kitchen, half in darkness. Realize as you're eating the last bite of the sandwich, you forgot to put the bread back into the pantry. Pick up the bag of bread and look at it in the half dim kitchen and realize that there's a huge fucking spot of mold everywhere.

in the bottom corner of the bag of the bread that you just ate two whole slices of. Take the bread, put it back in the pantry because obviously an adult would throw it away, but that's not how we're operating right now. And before you leave the pantry area, stare at the bread and consider if the mold really is far enough up the loaf that you couldn't get two more slices off there and have a second absolutely

after midnight sandwich to really finish off this gem of an evening. - That was incredible. I feel particularly called out 'cause the other night when I had, I haven't had food coloring in a while and then I had some candy with a red 40 or Takis actually and then at midnight I was really hungry so I went and I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich standing in the kitchen. I mean that was the most real description of sandwich making I've ever heard. - Approximately 93% of all sandwiches occur in that fashion.

That's very good. Wade, please explain how to make a sandwich even stupider. I mean, a sandwich is just two things with some stuff in between. Just find two things that are edible. Hopefully bread, but if not, you know, whatever. And you want to get some varied textures. Some meat or paper, something that's got a little bit of texture to it. Put it in between the two other things and then you can put other stuff on it. Maybe you soak another piece of bread in some water and put it in there and you eat it.

All right, that was definitely stupider. I still know how to make a sandwich. That's great. Thank you. Thank you, Wade. Bob, please explain it even stupider. It depends what you mean by make. I'm going to be honest. I like to have most of my food delivered, but Jimmy John's doesn't deliver to my house because they have a really small delivery radius. So what I do when I need to make a sandwich is I go to Jimmy John's.

They have sandwiches. They make them, but I pay them to make them, so my money makes it make them make it. And you eat it. Ah, I think that's actually smarter. Oh, no! That was a smart thing to do. I was like... Ah!

Uh-uh, because it's saving money from delivery. They won't deliver. I would if they could. That's the point. They have a small... I worked at Amy John's, and if you're not within like seven minutes of their store or whatever, they won't deliver to you. It's not like a pizza place where they'll drive 20 minutes. It's a small radius. That's fair. That's totally fair and unfair to you, but I think Wade still has me eating a sandwich. It might have nails in it, but I'm eating some kind of sandwich that I made. It's got some crunch, man. It's just a better sandwich.

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This episode is brought to you by Accounting Plus. Here's a story that's 100% true. And it's about how accounting is a great choice of career. Here's the facts. With accounting, you'll have flexibility, great pay, and the kind of lifestyle you've always dreamed of. It's a lifestyle that's less math and spreadsheets and more traveling and

personal and professional growth, and making a positive impact on your family and community. Want to start an exciting new chapter? Accounting Plus provides free resources that will help guide you to a successful career in accounting and personal freedom. Do more. Live more. Visit joinaccountingplus.com. All right, Bob, it's your turn again. Uh,

Man, that might be too esoteric. I've got a whole bunch of lists here. No, hit me with it. All right. All right. Okay. Please explain me how the water cycle works. Ah, yes. Hmm. The other name of this game I was thinking of is One-Headed Expert. Just so you know. Hmm.

The surface of the earth is over 70% water, but water changes states at temperatures that are all achievable on the surface of the earth. Some of the surface water on the earth is frozen solid in the form of ice. Some of it is liquid. Most of it is liquid, but a large part of it also becomes a gas. Water evaporates when it gets hot enough and it gets hot enough on earth for water to straight evaporate up off the surface into the sky.

Water lifts up into the sky. That's why the air is not, you know, making your skin crack because there's water in it. It's water vapor. That's what humidity is. It's an important part of human life, honestly, and most life.

But water goes up into the sky. The higher it gets, the cooler it gets because the air temperatures are colder higher up in the atmosphere. So water gets heated down on the surface, rises up. Eventually, it cools down enough to where it starts to turn back into a liquid and you get little tiny droplets of water suspended up in the atmosphere. That's what clouds are. Clouds.

Clouds are just droplets of water floating together, cooling down and re-liquifying. What's that called? Condensing. That's the word. And when enough water gets in the atmosphere and cools down enough and it starts to condense and there's a lot of liquid, it'll fall back down. That's rain.

or snow or sleet, any kind of precipitation. And it falls back down. Some of it falls on land. Some of it falls right back into the oceans and lakes. But the stuff that falls on land also either sinks into the dirt, you know, filters down through. Or if it's like hard rock or something, it will go off, flow off into creeks, rivers, estuaries, flow back into lakes, etc.

It might just go right into the ocean. Who knows? But that's the whole cycle because then it's back where it began. It's back in the big bodies of water, goes back down, and it's down on the surface where it will more than likely be heated up again, turn back into vapor, back into the atmosphere. So that's why it's a cycle. It goes on and on. That was beautiful. Bill and I couldn't have done it better. That was incredible. It was like a Bob Ross kind of explanation. I loved it. Wade.

Please ruin it. Earth's kind of like an aquarium and water has a filter system. So somewhere, I'm not sure exactly where, there's like an intake where the water goes up and it goes into the filter. And the filter, as long as it's working properly, it'll send clean water back down. But sometimes your filter gets too cold

or it gets clogged and the water doesn't come right back down right away, which is why we have deserts and stuff. Or if your filter's too cold, it comes down like all icy. But if your filter's working properly and it gets cleaned out and changed, as it should, it'll come back down as water and you can drink it, swim in it, so on and so forth. It'll get back into your different...

bodies of water and then uh you know you got good water there for a little while until uh we and fish poop and shit in it and stuff and then it goes back to get filtered and cleaned again and uh the cycle continues and just make sure you clean your filter regularly all right okay i won't ask you how to change that filter i think we're trying to figure that out as a species but i think i understand it still bob

Even stupider. Humans piss every day. Humans need water to drink every day. The water we drink is what turns into piss. How do you think we get more water to drink when we're pissing out all of the Earth's water all day every day? The cycle.

We piss, goes down into the earth, gets real hot because of lava and shit, steam, atmosphere, cloud, rain, goes in my swimming pool. I drink it while I swim. I piss later. It's a whole cycle. Comes and goes. The cycle goes through humanity, humans and other animals technically, but mostly humans are the heart, the

The core. No, they're the radium. No, that's not the word. We just piss a lot. Okay? We just piss a lot. Yeah, thank you. I think I understand it. Piss gets real hot up, down, swimming. It is possible to piss so hot that it turns right into steam. You skip a part of the cycle if you do.

You pissed in a sauna onto the rocks. You skipped the whole cycle where it's on earth. It just goes right up into the clouds. Maybe that's where acid rain comes from. Uh, uh, we'll, we'll get some people on that to find out the answer. Uh, Wade, even stupider. Water dies, goes to heaven. New water baby sent to earth. Grows up, dies.

I feel like I have a religious connotation, and I hope that people aren't offended by it. No, you don't need to explain it further. I got it. All right, Bob, can you go stupider? Water. Down. Liquid. Water. Gas. Gas, water. Get back down. Liquid. So much piss.

I really like that valiant effort, but I think Wade just crushed it with water dice and goes to heaven. I love it. I know! Oh, damn. Wade, it is your turn. I'm caught between these two, but I think I'm going to go with this one. The Life Cycle of a Butterfly.

Butterflies don't start as butterflies. They go through an entire process of becoming a butterfly. They start as an egg, and assuming that egg doesn't get eaten by a predator or destroyed by weather, so on and so forth, in theory, the egg should hatch into a little caterpillar. And that caterpillar, its job is to go survive, eat vegetation, hopefully around it, maybe the leaf that the egg was hidden under.

eat grasses, different things. And eventually when that caterpillar gets big enough and has enough, I'm not even sure what the chemical is called, it will use that material and produce a pupa or a shell to cover itself.

After it's fully covered, it goes through a period where it's basically just immobile. It's surviving on the nutrients it had previously eaten, and its job is to just wait until the transformation process inside completes. That process is the caterpillar going from being a long, skinny creature with a bunch of legs...

to similar body, but now it has usually, from my understanding, longer legs rather than a bunch of little short ones. Beautiful wings of various colors, two long antennae, so on and so forth, and with those wings gains the ability to fly. The butterfly flies around, is able to go to different flowers and grasses and traverse the landscape much easier, up until the point where it lays its own eggs and starts the process over and over again.

Beautifully explained from beginning to end, the cycle completes. Bob, please explain that a little bit stupider. Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, four steps. Step number one, yucky egg. Egg gets glued onto a leaf. That leaf is now daycare. Step two, hungry little worm bitch. Egg hatches, caterpillar comes out. That greedy bitch eats so much that he bursts out of his skin multiple times.

Step three, sleepy spit sack. When that bitch gets fat enough, hungry, greedy little caterpillar spits out a cocoon of gross spit around himself that hardens into a gross hard spit sack and takes a two week nap.

Step four, wobbly winged bitch. Butterfly emerges from cocoon. No longer caterpillar. Now butterfly. Butterfly wings, sticky, icky. Butterfly wings dry out. Butterfly fly away. Not by choice. Just cause windy. Bye bye, butterfly. Oh, butterfly lay eggs. Step five, back to start over. Five steps. Eggs, cycle.

I remember my favorite childhood book, Bye Bye Butterfly. It was such a beautiful tale. Is it bad if I don't want to try to top that just because of how he discovered? I just enjoyed that so much. It was very nice, but the name of the game is Get More Stupider, Wade. Uh, Caterpillar's a...

hatched something, buys a new shell, lives in it for a while, can't afford the rent, steals some shit, straps it on, flies away, and gets laid. More babies. Does it have to be remotely scientifically accurate, or does it just have to be a cycle of life? I think I get it. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, all right. I'll accept it. That was pretty stupid, but I think I still get it. I can equate that to a butterfly. Bob, can you go any stupider? Butterfly mom dad shits legs onto... Not legs. Shits eggs onto leaf. Butterfly mom dad goes to store to get cigarettes, never comes back. Chubby little caterpillar baby eats feelings until so fat that throws up all over self.

eventually wakes up in pile of puke emerges realizing they are the butterfly mom dad they resented so much butterfly mom dad lays icky sticky eggs on leaf goes to store to get gallon of milk this time cycle of butterfly that's so such a tragedy poor little caterpillars are just watching TV waiting for mom to come home it's so sad Wade can you go stupider baby

Teen. Adult. Babies. Uh, me? That

could be a human life cycle. It doesn't have to be funnier. It just has to be stupider. It's it's something that I don't think specifically makes me understand butterflies. That's a you problem. I think that's a pretty strong effort given given where we were. I don't know if it's necessarily stupid enough in all honesty. If I'm going to counter myself, I think that that's relatively accurate without much stupid. Yeah, it's like simple

It's simple, but not dumb. I would say Bob's actually added some stupidity to it, whereas that one was just a straightforward, simple answer. All right, my follow-up answer had sound effects, is all I'm going to say. All right, I want to hear it, though. That sounds great. You know what? Yeah, let him go. Egg. Caterpillar. Cocoon. Butterfly.

I make it come back. It's gotta come back. Eggs. Alright, alright. With the decisive, decisive victory, I think Bob clinches. I like the pull cord, like, animal toy that kids play with, but it's just a cyclone of butterflies. The caterpillar goes. I can't do it. Never mind. Out the side. You gotta do out the side, yeah. You know how to pop your cheek?

No, I don't. I've never done it. So imagine your finger is a lollipop and like suck a little bit on it and then pop it and like you're trying to hook your cheek like you're a fish hook. Kind of like this. That's wrong, but also somehow it. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. There are a lot of fraternal twins out there. Now McDonald's is dropping on us a twin we never expected. Have you boys heard about the chicken Big Mac? The

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I think we have time for one more, maybe? So, I didn't know if stupid would be enough to carry the episode, but you guys really, really crushed it. So, I have a wheel here of different ways you can explain something and get more. Oh, no. On this wheel for those listening, I have stupid. I also have caveman, rhyme, and...

Patrick Warburton, sports commentator, southern, Yu-Gi-Oh grandmaster, New York guru, French bro, and old, as different things. Who's Patrick Warburton? Patrick Warburton is the voice of Kronk and Joe from Family Guy. Hey, Peter! Cool, that's who I thought it was. Hey, Peter, you like butterflies?

I wanna spin this once. Oh, okay, good. That's... okay. See, I don't know. See, I could go back to stupid. We could just keep doing stupid. No, you made the whole thing. You made the whole thing. What? Yu-Gi-Oh Grandmaster? What the fuck is that? Yeah, I don't know if I know that one. I don't know. It's whatever you would interpret it as. Is it someone who plays in a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament? Is it Yu-Gi-Oh himself? You know what? Bob, we can guess. Let's do it. Alright. Alright.

I should have said what you're going to explain. Ah, keep it interesting. Oh, come on. All right. I thought it was going to go right back to stupid. Old. We're getting older. Man, that would have been a great name for the episode, I guess. Okay. So what's the, we have to describe this as if we are old or as an old person would? No, you're getting older. So each one of you would have to explain it older than the other one. Don't worry. Wait, I'll start the bar low.

Okay, great. You are going to explain how to boil an egg. Mommy says I'm not allowed to use the stove. I boil an egg by getting an egg out of the fridge and putting it in a plastic bowl. And then I fill the bowl with water. And then if you microwave that for like 11 minutes, it's boiled. Okay.

Wow, Bob is better at this game than I ever could have imagined. That was a very generous, that was like a lob first serve. There's so much old you can go from there. I'm just kidding.

All right, Wade, please do it a little bit older or a lot. Turn on the stove. Set your pot there. Oh, shit, forgot water. Go fill up with water. It's sink. Put it back on the stove. Wait for the bubbles. Put in your egg. Wait till whatever Google tells you to wait for. Off the heat. Take it out. Dump your water and

I'll wait for your egg to cool. What was that? Our age? I figured talking about Google, maybe like, you know, twenties. Yeah, no, that works. I think that works. Uh, Bob older back in Nam. What we used to do is you didn't have fire, but you had, you get bamboo everywhere. You chopped down the driest bamboo you could find. You get a little fire going. You take your, you take your hat.

Your helmet, 'cause it's metal, right? And you put that over the fire, you put your eggs in there, and we didn't have clean water. So you filled it with piss. And you boiled your eggs in piss. That's what happened in NOM.

You sound like some kind of Jack Nicholson hybrid, man. I don't fucking know, man. How does a Vietnam War better than talk about boiling piss eggs? I don't know. A great play. I immediately understood your age. Fantastic. Wade, older. And what we used to do is gather some sticks together and, uh,

Was that... old?

I think I got what you're going for. All right. So if if if when was when was the war in Vietnam? When was it? Let's let's see. Oh, you know, 1970, 1973 range, probably like 60, 66 through the mid 70s or something. I don't remember.

Yeah, the actual full scope of the war was from 55 to 75, but America's involvement... It was definitely 60s, right? During the LBJ? Yes, how long was the US? 65 to 73. That was what I said! Okay, so I knew America's involvement, I didn't know the whole breadth of the whole war, but... I thought, I think I get what you're saying, just like, kind of spacey, old man. I just didn't do the super old man voice, because I was like, okay, if I go there, it doesn't really leave a lot of room. Oh.

I've got a play. Don't you worry about that. All right, Bob, what's your play? You know, I ate boiled eggs outside of the Appomattox courthouse when Ulysses S. Grant surrendered to the bluecoats.

And I didn't know what for cooking, but I saw the women folk take them eggs over to the fire, toss them in a pot of boiling water, then pluck them out one by one, what, with their bare fingers. That was the tastiest spoiled egg I ever had.

It's a lot of vigor for a Civil War vet, but... Wait, Civil War vet? Is that not Ulysses S. Grant surrendered at Appomattox? Is that not... No, you're right. I'm just thinking of how old a Civil War vet would be right now. Very old. Older than your person. He's very old. It's very old. You know, I didn't even think of the scope of going in that direction, but he's right. That's older. All right.

All right, Wade, but that could open up the door. I handed an egg to Jesus himself. And I swear, he touched it, he handed it back, the shell came off, and it was jelly-like. So I ate it. Jesus made that egg so good. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Somehow we got seasonings inside the egg. We just got to go back a couple thousand years. Bob, what wars do you know from back then? I got, oh no, I'm not even done. I got plans. Oh God. Hang on. I got to do my own history research. All right. Well, I was going to put it on a technical, like, I think we lost how to make the egg. Cause I don't know if I can, I don't know if Jesus is around for me to hand an egg to him. A little bit of prayer can make anything, Mark. All right. Okay. All right, Bob, what you got? Setting. Setting.

20th century, like 19 teens. We're inside a newly discovered and, and recently opened pyramid. I'm a young doctoral candidate who studies ancient languages. And I have excitedly calling my professor over. Dr.

Dr. Winthrop, look, doctor, look! I think I've broken this one. This right here, this, these symbols, I think mean egg of a chicken. This is the symbol for a vessel and it appears to be filled with water. I think water, wine is different. This is water, a vessel filled with water and the chicken's egg into the vessel. And then this, this over here, this is a great fire. They put the vessel with the egg and the water over the great fire.

What could this mean? Doctor! Oh, what do the Egyptians know that we don't? And that is the world's oldest recipe for boiling an egg. Incredible. Wow, astounding. And with that amazing discovery... Excuse me, don't I get a rebuttal? Bob, what year would you estimate this was? Let's say early hundreds BC. Only slightly before yours was. Cool. On the seventh day I was supposed to rest...

But this fucking idiot just ate my apple. I guess, uh, I don't know what the fuck that thing is, but let's make it youth edible. Uh, many different ways, I suppose they could try frying. Ooh, ooh, that spring looks kind of warm. I wonder if you put one in there. Yes, uh, and then you could... Ah, they could boil it too! Ooh!

Oh, God. And they're hideous naked. They should put on some clothes. Man. God was not who I thought he was. So I believe, or I'm not 100% sure, creationist theory believes that the Earth was made like, what, 6,000 years ago? Something in that range. Something in 6,000. So I'm going to look up when the pyramids were built.

If it's over 6,000, then it would have been older. And if it's under, then that's older. But we're saying the creation of people is okay. All right. I'm with you. I mean, if you assume that the dating is correct, I believe the mark is correct. I'm not an expert. It's like 6,000-ish years old, right? The Earth is 6,000 years old. That's the idea.

I don't care if I win. I just had to try to compete, man. I was not Bob's method of old was not where I was thinking. It was very clever and I was not ready for that race. All right. I think you did it, Wade, though, because it's most of these things are saying that the pyramids were roughly built between 2700 and 1500 BC, which would not put it over 6000, even if it was within that range on the most extreme end. I have an idea. OK, I have an idea. All

Are we ready? Yes. There's a fire and there's water boiling in the stove. It's been approximately seven minutes the actual time to boil an egg. Oh,

The enderfalls were approximately on the earth something like 300, 400,000 years ago. I concede, man. Oh,

All right. And we're going to call that the end of get more stupider. I could take it easy on you if you want to give it a shot. The Paleolithic era was only maybe ish 10,000 years ago. Maybe let's say. I could try a T-Rex boiling an egg, but with my little arms. Yeah, you're a T-Rex. You lay an egg. It accidentally rolls into the lava. You're sad at first, but you know, and then you eat it and you're like, well, I had another one. I just want to say that, but that's okay. Yeah.

Here, pretend I did a good T-Rex. Do it. Well, this one's harder to say. I was just going to say, I'm going to paint you a picture, and it's a cave inside of which there is a dead body of an early Homo sapien who appears to have lived somewhere around 300,000 years ago, and they're buried under a pile of stones and heavily degraded, but on the wall above them, there's a cave painting that depicts how to boil water

The egg of a dodo bird in order to make a meal for your family. I had that in there. I had that ready to go. I just want to put that out. I think, yeah, that would technically be even older. You know, the people at the pyramids excavating would be like, wow, we found the oldest. And then the cave painting gets discovered. And they're like, this ain't shit. Look at this. So, yeah. All right. They find a preserved T-Rex in the Arctic.

and carved into its side is an Archaeopteryx egg dropping into a warm pool of water and raptors feasting. Perfectly preserved in the La Brea Tar Pits. It's, oh man, it's incredible. This T-Rex just had a tattoo without a boiling egg.

Okay, so, Wade, you had some real good zingers, and I gave you points for them. It's true, but Bob was just crushing at this game. Dude, I can't complain. I know. Hey, I concede. I don't even need to hear the points. You can say them if you want. Bob's acting. I concede. His idea for the old. You came out so strong, Wade, though, with butt towards Satan and eyes towards God.

I was like, oh man. The good old days. I gave you a bonus point for that. I gave you a bonus point for handed an egg to Jesus. And then you won two rounds. So that's four points. But you didn't get any small talk points. You got zero. And Bob got two. He got one for Diodor and then Update Hell. And then he won three rounds. And I gave him a bonus point for Fat Bitch Caterpillar. Back in NOM.

And then I just wrote down Civil War, but then I had to stop giving him bonus points for old stuff because it would have been too unfair. Hey, I get it. He went to NOM and didn't sound very old, and I was like, he should be kind of old by now. And then I heard fucking Ulysses S. Grant, which I was like, that's not World War II. Yeah, so with eight points, Bob wins handedly. Yeah. Well done. Well done, Bob.

He's the stupidest and oldest of us all. I can't believe you didn't think that game was going to be funny. That was an excellent game. I wasn't sure. I just wasn't sure. I never like to put too much of the improv on you guys, but that was so fun to just sit and listen to. I appreciate it so much. And we barely got to any of the other things on the wheel, so there's potential for another one here if people like it. Really hoping to get Grandmaster Yu-Gi-Oh. God, I don't

know what I would have done for that. I don't know either. It could have been a quick round. It could have been a skip boost. Editors could have cut it out if it was bad, but... Pot of water. You've activated my trap card, egg. No! He didn't know I put my chicken egg into play face down in front of me. He had but to take one false move and he would trigger my trap card. That's perfect. That's great. There we

There we go. You guys got to see it. I've never seen the show. I've only seen the abridged version. Like that was just a very generic. I play my blue eyes, white dragon and I feed him a boiled egg. All right. So, uh, Wade, uh, please your loser speech.

I came into today kind of tired. I got a trip coming up and I was thinking to myself, man, oh man, I feel bad for Mark because this one's going to be a real drag of an episode, most likely. And then Bob and I, to start, we're kind of yawning and stretching. I was literally head in hands, yawning when Mark got here.

It was a rough start, but I'm proud of the effort I put forward. But honestly, I got to concede, I'm even more proud of the effort Bob put forward. This is a deserved win. I have no complaints, no whines, no nothing. I was handedly defeated. This man's comedic genius was just...

oozing from his carapace today. So congrats to Bob. Good speech, good speech. Bob, your acceptance speech. My carapace is tired. I'm going to go take a nap after this. That was everything I had in the tank, but I had a lot of fun. I think that game set us up for success. I think it was a really fun idea. I did literally what you captured with your idea today is what I've been trying to get with like my tongue twisters and

trivia and like those have been fun episodes I like this one better than the ones I've been doing recently this was a very successful episode I had a lot of fun I think I was successful because I had fun doing it oh that's good oh that's so sweet alright bonus points bonus points next episode's a tier list next episode fast food tier list too alright well thank you everybody so much for watching and or listening be sure to follow or subscribe to the podcast you can listen to it wherever but you can only watch it here on Spotify so all of you looking at me right now hey

Thanks. Thanks for being here. I thought you were calling me out because I literally looked away and you're like, thanks for everyone looking at me. I'm sorry. I'm back. So thank you so much. Look forward to another episode where Bob's going to be hosting and me and Wade will be competing. Thank you. And more soon. Merch. We're not leaving yet. Distractible store.com. D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-I-B-L-E-S-T-O-R-E.com. Go there now. All right. Podcast out.