How to really DATE YOURSELF INSTEAD
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So I'm in London right now and I decided to take a genuine leap of faith and go out by myself the other night. It was a Friday night. I just landed. I was super jet lagged and I was so off on my sleep schedule and I could not sleep. I usually do not do this. This is kind of out of character for me. I love taking myself to dinner, but to actually go out after dinner hours is a really big deal for me, especially if I'm by myself in a foreign country. Now,

I also pride myself on stepping out of my comfort zone often. I feel like that's the only way you're really able to grow outside of what you're comfortable with. Just being able to immerse yourself in new experiences that you've never really had before that might freak you out or scare you or give you a little bit of anxiety.

And I was super excited to go, but at the same time, I was definitely nervous. And I think I always get questions in my DMs like, how do you go out by yourself? How do you travel alone? And the truth is, I have a ton of anxiety while I'm doing these things. But once you actually take the step and the initiative to do it, you start to adjust and it starts to become easier over time.

But needless to say, I was still a little nervous. So I went to my hotel lobby at first and I did my makeup. I did my hair and

And I was just really feeling different. I realized that I hadn't really been taking care of myself physically lately. Like I never wear makeup. I always wear sweatpants and that's okay because I love being comfortable and there's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes it just feels really good to dress up and put a little makeup on. So I did that. And I don't typically drink

But this was a special occasion because I was in London for the first time in a really long time on my own. And celebrating the first time, I've really felt like I could open myself up to a new experience or the idea of meeting new friends or the idea of just...

Maybe talking to someone new. As you know, when you go through a really, really serious breakup, it can be really hard to jump out of your comfort zone and jump back into the dating scene and jump back into the social world and actually try to meet new people and try to make new friends.

And it can be hard because you're sad and it could be hard because you're having trouble letting go of what you had with this person. And when you're in a relationship, it starts to get super comfortable. And then you don't want to socialize or do anything because you're so used to having that person be with you for everything. So it can be tricky. It could be very hard. And for me, it was a really hard transition to even break out of that mentality. Like I'm never going to meet anyone else.

I don't want to speak to anyone else, guys or girls. I just didn't really want to socialize because I was super sad all the time. And I've also been working a lot. So for me, this was like a big deal. And if you're so used to someone being there 24-7 and then you're on your own and you're navigating the world simultaneously,

single, your brain is wired to panic. Your brain is wired to just be so attached and go back to that person or text them or rely on them. And you can't even imagine your life without them. So when you're in this mode of, oh my God, I'm finally by myself, your brain panics. And

I guess the point I'm trying to make is it wasn't easy for me to get myself to a place to actually want to date myself and to truly date myself and go out and take myself out and embrace self-love and embrace my confidence. It's a learning process. And a lot of women and men go through things like this where you struggle with being by yourself, even though you're trying to.

It's still a hard transition. So I thought I'd make an episode today on how to truly date yourself and ways you can love yourself and care about yourself and

Try to guide you through my experience and my storyline of how I started to date myself. Being in a new country, being in London, you know, I think it's a bit easier when you change your environment after a breakup because it's easier to get a fresh perspective and a fresh start. Now, not everyone can go travel hours away because of work obligations or other things or, you know, money reasons, whatever it is.

Not everyone can just get up and leave where they are right now. But if you can change your routine or environment in any way, shape or form, even if that means trying a new activity outside of your comfort zone that you've never tried before, go to a fucking art class by yourself, have a glass of wine, you know, go bowling. I don't know.

Dumb examples, I'm sorry. But just doing something that you haven't tried before in your hometown, if you can't leave or trying to meet new people at a new workout spot, new workout class, just something to switch up your routine. It helps rewire your brain to create new memories and new experiences and replace all these negative thoughts that you're never going to be okay with new experiences.

So for me, I love to solo travel because it opens my mind up to new experiences. It helps me get a fresh perspective and it takes me out of my other environment where I was not feeling the best. When you're actually ready to trust the process of your life and trust the process of what's truly meant to be and understand that the universe is constantly guiding you in the right direction to change and push you and trigger you and help you grow and evolve as a person, you're going to be able to do it.

that's when you know you're ready to date yourself. When you're ready to embrace the process, to trust the process of your life, to understand that there's still hope for you and you're going to be fine, that's when you could begin the dating yourself process. It can take some time to get there, but I think now I'm at a place in my life where I'm truly ready to understand that everything I went through, all the relationships, all the drama, all the bullshit, all the tears, I cried for months and months and months,

Now I'm at a place in my life where I'm 30 and a half. I am done with the bullshit. I'm done with crying over men that are making me sad. And I just want to be happy. I want to be fucking happy. I want to date myself. I want to live my best life. And I don't want anyone to stop me from doing that ever again.

If I meet someone, great. If I meet someone that can meet me where I'm at and treat me really well and we get along and I'm happy, great. But just understanding that my happiness and my peace should always be protected is the number one thing for me in my life right now. So being in London, tying this back to being in a new country right now and having a fresh start, I guess kind of helped me a little bit in breaking down those barriers and walls and guards that I had up.

because of the pain that I went through. So I have this little private area in my hotel where you can order these like special custom drinks. And so I get dressed up. Told you I did my hair and makeup, which is very rare for me.

And I had a drink. I had a glass of fizzy champagne. It was like this really cool pink champagne that bubbled the whole time while I was drinking it. Now, looking back, it was a fucking horrible mistake to drink that.

Because I hadn't had alcohol in months. And having that as your first drink after being completely, completely sober and not having a sip of alcohol for months, it was probably not the best idea. I probably should have eased into something else. But I chose the champagne and it was really good in the moment. And I loved it. But the hangover I had the next day was fucking ratchet. It was so bad. Anyways, I don't want to get too off topic here. But...

I got dressed up, drank my champagne. I was super happy. Like, I feel like I hadn't smiled properly in years. And I actually took a picture and posted it on my Instagram, on the Date Yourself Instead Instagram account. And there was a girl that DM me saying, you never smile in photos. And then I realized she was right. And I made the caption. I think it was like, yeah, I never smile in photos because I never drink champagne anymore. And it's kind of true.

I just don't drink alcohol and I get really smiley when I drink alcohol, but I don't know what it is. I have like a stone cold face naturally and it's not intentional. It doesn't mean I'm like miserable. I just, that's just my face and I don't show my smiles in pictures. I laugh and I smile in person, but anyways. So I posted this picture of me smiling and everyone was like, oh my God, I didn't even recognize you. I'm like, damn, maybe I should smile more. So now tying this back into feeling good and dating myself, I...

felt like suddenly after taking all these steps to you know do a little self-care put on a little makeup take myself to the bar by myself have a glass of champagne I felt like I was on a different vibration all of a sudden I felt like I had shifted timelines in a way where suddenly the world was open to new possibilities and maybe it was because I was a little bit tipsy but we'll just excuse that but I didn't know I just felt really good I did and I

decided that I was going to take myself out. I was going to date myself and I was going to live out the experience and then report back to you guys. It was kind of like a fun experiment and I also feel like I really just had this crazy mindset shift that true self-love is just being so happy in your own company and that's how it felt. So I go out, I walk around London and

I'm very familiar with the area because I've been to London several times. I love it here. It reminds me so much of New York. I go into this speakeasy that I've actually been to before and I'm sitting there by myself. The bartender makes me a drink and suddenly I realize, holy shit, I'm in a new city. I can do whatever the fuck I want. No one can hold me back. I'm a grown ass woman and I don't need anyone to bring me down. I don't need anyone to be...

making me feel like I'm not good enough anymore. And that's the situation I was in for so many years with just different guys. It wasn't just my ex or the ex before or the ex before. It's every fucking guy I've dated. I feel like there was just something that made me feel like I was never good enough. And I was having all these realizations as I'm sitting there. I'm like, I have no one to answer to. I have no one to text.

And that's a cool thing. That's a great thing. That's a positive thing because i'm at a place in my life where if you're not going to contribute to my happiness and my peace And you're not going to make my life better and you're just going to stress me out It's not even worth it. I might as well just enjoy my own company date myself and love myself and that's The best thing about it. It's a positive thing that i'm sitting alone here right now and

The bartender was super nice and we just had a very friendly conversation and it somehow got into dating and I told him about my podcast and it was kind of funny. I mean, I totally plugged my podcast. I was like, you should follow it, whatever. And he was like, yeah, of course, sounds great. And I guess it was just one of those things where we had a conversation that was so fun

uplifting in a way because he was telling me about his dating life and he was kind of venting to me about his dating experiences from a man's perspective and we were just kind of going back and forth about it for maybe 30 minutes and every single person that you meet, especially when you're single, I feel like you're more...

to new connection. You're more open to new conversation. You're more like open-minded to actually getting to know people and hearing their stories because you don't really have anyone else to talk to. Like you don't have your boyfriend to text and call and vent out to. So you're like constantly kind of looking to interact with strangers once you're in a high vibe mindset and you're ready to do that. So it was just a cool conversation. It was really nothing. But at the end of the day, like that conversation just inspired this episode in a way. And also it never would have happened if

if I had been in a relationship. So that kind of got me more inspired to put myself out there more. That simple conversation kind of sparked something in me where I suddenly realized I need to put myself out there more, meet new people, make new friends. Life is short. Why am I

Crying or why was I crying wasn't crying then but why was I crying for so many months over someone who couldn't? Give me a solid commitment. Why was I? Stressing and anxious over men who couldn't give me the bare minimum in my life I can give myself everything I need and eventually yes Will I find someone but I don't need that right now because I'm so happy with myself and those revelations just really made me feel super relieved and free and excited and

And I just saw like a new world of possibilities that night when I went out. There was a lot more that happened that night, but I don't want to share those details right now because they're, I can't, I don't know. I don't even know what to say because I'm going to make a separate episode about the rest of that night because it's very significant. But it's kind of a different topic that I really want to make a full episode about that's

wild. Something fucking crazy happened that night. Sorry to leave you hanging, but it needs to be a separate episode in itself because it's just too juicy and it's just too good. So anyways, that night ended, but I had so much fun. I really did. I felt like I had put myself out there. I had embraced my confidence for the first time in a really long time. And I just felt really in alignment with the person and the woman that I've always wanted to become. So that was that.

Two days later, I actually decided to go out again to a different spot, but it was more spontaneous. I didn't really plan on going out that night, but I was walking past a really cool speakeasy bar and it was like 6.30 p.m. And I was like, why not just go to a new spot, see what happens. If I don't like it, I could always leave. I always tell myself that too. If I'm having a little hesitation about going into a new place by myself, I'm going to go to a new place.

I give myself the pep talk. You can always leave. You could always get up and leave and just go home if you're really having a miserable time. So you might as well just feel it out. So I go down to this new bar and...

It's so cool. It's really, really cool speakeasy. It's like this little underground spot with all these tables and live music and the drinks are super cool. There's like skeleton drinks with like smoke coming out of them. Super, super cool. So I'm sitting there and there's this other woman sitting next to me at the bar and it's just the two of us. And she's

The social butterfly in me suddenly coming out here in London. I don't know what's going on. I'm usually not that direct or extroverted unless someone approaches me first. But I decided to take the initiative and start the conversation. So I order a drink and then I

turned to her and I'm like, oh, are you from New York also? And she was like, no, I'm from California. And we just started talking about dating and relationships. It just really quickly went into that topic of conversation. We were talking about work, then it went to relationships. And she was telling me that she recently went through a separation a week ago. And I was like, oh my God, that's super fresh. And she was just explaining to me the whole situation. And

We bonded over this whole idea of not being with the right person and seeing how it affects us and the decisions that we have to make in order to prioritize ourselves first and practice self-love. And we got into this whole deep, meaningful chat about relationships and loving yourself. And...

I plugged my podcast again. I'm like, you got to listen to my podcast, date yourself instead. I feel like it's a really good promotion just like going up to people asking about their dating life and then being like, all right, you should listen to my podcast. That was the second time I did that in like three days. So she was like, oh yeah, of course, I'll listen to it. But I genuinely love hearing people's stories. I love hearing their life stories. I love hearing about their relationships. It fascinates me. It makes me happy to also give advice to other people, to share my perspective. So

It was just like a very wholesome moment for me because I hadn't even planned on going into that bar. And then I met her and we exchanged info and she was just super kind. And it was just one of those experiences where I know that also wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been single and hadn't taken a risk and gone out by myself. And all these little connections and little experiences have made me realize that

Life is so fucking cool. You can change the direction of your life in the course of your life at any given time if you're brave enough to do so. And that's a whole part of dating yourself. A whole part of dating yourself is really just understanding that you need to open yourself up to new experiences. And when you actually take the risk, even though it might be scary or you might feel anxious or fearful to do so and put yourself in a position where you could be vulnerable for a

And it will reward you in very simple, beautiful ways, such as meeting someone you may never have met before or bumping into someone that might be your soulmate when you least expect it.

And it's just beautiful because everything always happens when you least expect it, when you're not looking for it, when you're not desperate for it, when you're not like, you know, swiping on dating apps 24-7 trying to find the love of your life. I feel like the best experiences and situations always happen when you're not looking for it. So when you're truly, truly happy at your core, and in this moment, I just felt like I'm actually really, really happy. Like I'm actually really, really starting to feel like myself.

my truest, most authentic self. That's when I started meeting people and telling them about my work and telling them about my podcast. And they were telling me about their work. And it's just like this mutual exchange of good energy between good people. And it makes you realize there's so many fucking people in the world. So if you're crying over one single person for months and months and months, and you can't get over them,

You're blocking yourself from new experiences and meeting new people. There's 7 billion people on this planet, okay? Obviously, you're not going to have the opportunity to meet all of them, but...

There's so many people and different types of people with different stories that have been through similar things as you. And when you realize that, you really realize that even though you're alone, quote unquote alone, you're really never alone because there are so many people that are going through the same experience that you're going through, regardless of what it is, regardless of the situation. So just to meet these two different types of people was really fascinating to me and really cool. The point of this episode and the direction I wanted to take it in today is I

really just how to truly date yourself. And I think I've made some good points about it already, but just taking yourself out of your comfort zone to try new things, to do new things outside of your character in order to spice up your life, change the direction of your life and attract even bigger and better things and circumstances into your life is so important. Because as I said, life is short. If you're hung up on a relationship that isn't working, you're

Trust me, I get it because I'm guilty of this. But you'll look back once you're healed and once you're ready to open yourself up to new things and you'll be like, damn, I wasted so much fucking time. Like you will feel that way a little bit because now that's how I feel. At that current time when I was going through the worst of it, going through the thick of the worst breakup, I would tell myself the opposite. Say, oh, I'm never going to find anyone. My life is over. I'm so depressed. And I would...

beat myself up over all the mistakes I made in the relationship. And it was just a constant toxic cycle in my brain of self-sabotage. But once you're healed, and it could take time because the healing process is a slow process sometimes, but once you are healed, you will look back and be like, damn, I fucking wasted an extra six months that I could have been living my best life. I promise you that. So that being said,

Dating yourself does not mean you are swearing off all men, okay? It does not mean you're a man-hater. It does not mean you're never going to date again. It does not mean you should be single and alone for the rest of your life and only dating yourself for the rest of your life. That is exactly the opposite of what my message is here on the podcast. You should just be able to love yourself and take care of yourself and stand on your own two feet regardless of what anyone coming into your life says

does or how they treat you or how they act towards you. You should be able to be so grounded and at peace with yourself that nothing else matters. And then that's when you attract the right people and circumstances into your life. The number one tip I have for dating yourself is to understand first that you have to know what you want out of life. What do you want to attract into your life? What are the things and actions that you can take to constantly make yourself feel good, feel most like yourself, feel beautiful and feel confident?

For me, that's getting dressed up sometimes, listening to a good podcast, listening to really uplifting positive music, meditating, quantum jump meditations. I listen to them on Spotify. I'm actually coming out with my own meditation soon for you guys, so stay tuned for that.

Quantum jumping meditations, which you're basically visualizing yourself jumping into a new reality that you want to be in. Working out often, moving my body, wearing a new outfit, going shopping, going into a new place, just throwing myself into a new situation or approaching a stranger and having a simple friendly conversation. Just things to change up your life. That's how you truly date yourself.

I actually wrote this down in my notes the other day, and I think I just said this, but I'm going to repeat it because it's so important. The universe will reward you when you're open to taking more risks in life and letting your guard down, when you're open to being more vulnerable, when you're open to new opportunities, not when you're closing yourself off, not when you're closing your heart off. You need to feel open, and it might feel really scary and uncomfortable, but the universe will always reward this

if you are truly open to receiving something completely new and exciting. Now,

Was I scared to go out by myself, get dressed up, have a drink, not know where the fuck I am because I'm in a new city? I mean, I kind of am familiar with the area in London, so it's not the first time I've been here, but it's still intimidating to be alone. It is, right? I always get butterflies and shaky. And when I'm even exploring a new bar, like there was this other bar that I walked by when I was on my way home and I

I was so scared to go in because I see everyone with their friends. Everyone's in a couple or with their best friends partying it up and you're by yourself. So you feel like a fucking idiot. You're like, oh, okay, it's just me by myself. How am I going to meet people? This is so intimidating. But I don't know. Okay, I don't want to say, you know, just have a glass of wine and suck it up. But that's kind of what I did. I just...

It just helped me relax a little bit. And I'm not saying go get fucked up and go get wasted in order to have a good time. No, I'm very against that. But having just, you know, a couple sips of wine, sitting at the bar...

And then it kind of just relaxes you a little bit. And if you truly visualize yourself leveling up, I swear you become a magnet. People will come up to you. People will approach you, especially if you're in a crowded place. And that's what happened. Every single time I've been out here, someone has approached me and girls too, not just men, just like women that are like, oh, are you from here, from New York, whatever. And like, we just have a really nice, friendly conversation.

I was even in the park the other day tanning and a girl came up to me and she asked me if I want to be a part of this TikTok game that she was playing with her friends. And I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. And then we got into a conversation about me traveling there and me looking for an apartment in London. And it just spiraled into this whole friendly conversation.

Meeting people could happen in so many ways, but it only happens when you're super open to receiving. That's the point I'm trying to make. Because no one's going to approach you if you're closed off, if you're guarded, if your hood's up, if you're wearing sunglasses and you're looking down at the floor. I mean...

People know when they can approach you in a sense because of the energy you're giving off. And I didn't realize that until recently because now I think I'm giving off very social energy. However, in the past, I'd go out and I'd be like terrified to talk to someone. I'd like be looking down to the ground. I'd be like panicking internally. And I realized that I just need to fucking relax.

I'm dating myself. I love myself. Everything's good. Everything's fine. And the worst case scenario, I could always leave. That's the best piece of advice I could give anyone. You can always leave. So dress up and look good just because it helps you feel good. That's a really nice tip I have. And it's something I discovered recently. I'm always in sweatpants with my hair up and no makeup. And that's cool too because it's comfortable. It's cozy. But

If you're going out, put a little makeup on, get a little dressed up. It really does make you feel good. The number two tip I have for dating yourself is you need to have the ultimate, ultimate confidence and value placed in yourself. If you need to say 100 daily affirmations a day just to feel good, do it. There's nothing wrong with that.

Also being calm in any situation. If you're constantly anxious about a guy texting you, if your brain is consumed with thoughts of your ex-boyfriend and what he's up to and what girls he's talking to, if you're making a man the center of your world, you are wasting your precious, valuable energy on someone instead of directing all the energy into yourself and making yourself even more magnetic and attractive. Do you ever see people and they just glow and you're like, oh, you're glowing. Something's different about this person.

That's because they're on a self-love journey. They love themselves on a whole other level. When people really glow and stand out, they're secure and confident with themselves. They're in love with their lives, their goals, their values. They know what they believe in and what they stand for. And they're not just going to settle for anyone or anything. And if someone walks away from them, they're not going to lose sleep over it because they know how valuable they are. And it's the other person's loss.

If that happens, you can tell when someone has confidence by energy alone. Energy is so fucking powerful. And I say this in every episode, but it's so powerful because you could really sense it. You could sense when someone loves the shit out of themselves and you could also sense when someone doesn't. So doing things to love yourself, to know your boundaries, to know your worth, know what you stand for, know what you will and will not tolerate. These are all forms of self-love and self-care that you could apply to yourself.

And to remain calm when shitty things come up. If a guy ghosts you, don't emotionally react right away. Don't blow up his phone and send 30 paragraphs. That's neglecting your own self-love. Don't do it. Date yourself. Dating yourself means honoring yourself and your worth and knowing you're valuable and knowing that you're not going to chase someone else.

The number three tip I have for dating yourself is you need to have clear, clear, clear, clear boundaries. I'll give you some examples. Instead of asking a guy what he's looking for, you can set the tone of the relationship right away. Make it known and be open about what you're looking for. It doesn't matter what he's looking for. What are you looking for? When I used to date people in the beginning, I'd be like, oh, so what are you looking for? No.

Now I say, hey, so this is what I'm looking for. I just want to let you know I'm not interested in casual sex. I'm looking for something more serious. And it's black and white in my head. And I communicate that very clearly. There's no arguing with that. So at least you know that you have these boundaries. You're communicating them clearly and you're being upfront and honest with this person. Two things are going to happen. They're either going to respect your honesty or they're not going to want anything to do with you anymore or they're going to get distant from you and pull back.

which saves you a ton of time and energy. And you weed out most people that way very quickly. And that's a blessing because you don't want to waste your time with people.

The fourth thing I have to say about dating yourself is doing visualization meditations where I constantly visualize my higher self and how she's moving in the world and how she would react to things and how much self-respect and love she has. And I constantly lean into her. If I'm ever having a moment where I feel off-centered, where I'm anxious over a guy or I'm panicking because I miss my ex-boyfriend, whatever it is, I look to my higher self. I literally visualize myself.

hotter version of myself standing in front of me saying, snap the fuck out of it. Okay. And it helps. I swear it helps. It really does help. Dating yourself comes with learning what the power of true self-love and self-worth is. If you truly love yourself more than anything, you're not going to overly attach yourself to anyone.

Because that always ends up a disaster. If you're pouring all of your love into someone else and you're neglecting your own needs, that's not dating yourself. That never turns out well for anyone. You're disrespecting yourself by giving all your power away to someone else. Especially, I see people do this with people they're not even in a relationship with. And I'm like, why are you giving this person so much of your time and energy and power? If they're not committing to you, what are you doing?

When you love yourself so much, everything else will fall into the background. You're the main character of your life. No one else is going to fill that role. You are in control. You're the leading role of your own life. So don't let someone that you're not even dating, that's not even your fucking husband, take that role away from you. Why are you allowing a peasant who's not even asked you on a proper date to step in as the main character of your life?

Why? Why would you do that to yourself? Do you really not love yourself that much that you're willing to let someone you barely know control how you feel about yourself? It makes no sense, but I've been there. So I'm speaking from personal experience. I'm not actually judging anyone here, but it's true. Okay. If someone's not

embracing every little part of you and loving you the way that you love yourself. It should be a mutual exchange of love and respect and energy. If it's not that and you think you're giving way more to someone else, cut it out. You have to focus the attention on you. Whatever it is you need to focus on, do everything for you.

That is the way to date yourself and then you become truly magnetic and when you become a magnet, you don't even need to make a grand huge effort to get someone's attention or to get them to date you or fall in love with you because your magnetic energy will attract that person into your life and if it's not that person, it'll be someone else. Things just flow and happen when you have so much self-love. You don't need to force anything. Good things show up effortlessly. The last thing I want to say about dating yourself is

is that you have to open your heart up. You cannot be stuck in a mindset of swearing off everyone and saying you hate men and being nervous and closed off and scared to love someone again. Now, this has also been really hard for me because it's not easy to detach if you really cared about someone, if you were super in love for years. It's hard to just trust. It's really hard to trust. But the worst thing you could do is fear the concept of love.

Because if you block that energy, you're never going to receive the type of love you actually deserve. You're always going to end up in situations where it feels fearful and anxious and wrong. You cannot be afraid to love and open your heart again. That's why I say you need time to heal. You need time to grieve and heal and take as much time as you need. But once you get back into the dating world, don't be afraid. Don't go into it with a mindset that everyone sucks. Everyone's out to get me. Everyone's going to fuck me over. Everyone's going to cheat on me.

You need to trust because everyone is a mirror reflected back to you. So if you don't trust yourself, you're going to attract people that also don't trust you and aren't trustworthy, if that makes sense. It applies to any situation. If you are going from a place of being closed off and sheltered, you might attract someone who's emotionally unavailable. Your self-love and self-work is ultimately a protection.

Just open your heart, trust yourself that eventually you will find an amazing partner and I promise you, you will. But for now, the most amazing partner you could always have is yourself. And with that being said, I think that concludes today's episode. Thank you so much as always for listening to the pod. If you haven't already, be sure to rate it on Spotify and Apple. I love you. Thanks again and stay tuned for next Monday.