W. Kamau Bell Returns
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The Morning Show is nominated for 16 Emmys, including Best Drama Series. What you are asking is unprecedented. I am unprecedented. Reese Witherspoon, outstanding lead actress. Did you ever tell anybody?

And Jennifer Aniston, outstanding lead actress. Let all the secrets come out. Billy Crudup, outstanding supporting actor. This is the show. For your consideration, The Morning Show, now streaming on Apple TV+. Hi, my name is W. Come Out Bell. ♪

And I feel insistent about being Conan O'Brien's friend. That's the way. You kick the door down. I kick the door. I'm not leaving without being your friend. Yeah. And I'll take all these people with me. Fall is here. Hear the back to school. Ring the bell. Brand new shoes. Walking loose. Climb the fence. Books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. As usual, I'm joined by Mr. Matt Gourley. Matt, how are you? Hi, I'm fine. I'm in full voice. Yes, exactly. And you bring that up for a reason because Sona came in today and she has no voice and she just keeps making us giggle because your attempts to talk are a lot of fun. What's going on with you? My voice is good.

My voice is gone. My voice is gone. Do you know why your voice is gone? Did you go to a club? Did you scream at your twins? No, I think that I, I mean, Andy explained this to me. Andy, I'm going to translate because it's very hard. Sometimes when a mouse is talking at the bottom of a well, it's hard to hear everything the mouse says.

But what the mouse at the bottom of the well just said was Andy was talking, and that's Andy Richter. Andy Richter. Who's out in the hallway. Who's out in the hallway. He said that sometimes if you have a lot of mucus, which I did, it could sometimes happen. He explained it, and I listened, I understood, and I forgot. I think it's better to go to Andy Richter than any doctor. Okay. Yeah. He told me my heart's fine, by the way. Uh-oh. Is it not fine? Well.

Well, you know, every now and then. But no, I go to Andy for all important. I go to Andy for all important decisions about my health. No. And you still came in, which makes you a real trooper. Well, I didn't want to, but I couldn't say I couldn't just couldn't not couldn't.

Today is not the day, O'Brien. Today is not the day. This is sad because your voice is your superpower and you without your voice is kind of pitiful. Imagine being in an ethnic house with a lot of Armenians and not being able to project. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

It's the worst thing to have. You have such a powerful voice, and Eduardo, you will chime in on this, that she has blown out many of our microphones. Yeah, this is her fourth microphone. Oh, my gosh. Can you do that? No, it's true. It's true. We've got very sophisticated equipment in here. I speak in what's been described as dulcet tones, Gorley Aero Pro. Yeah, they call me the pod, the velvet pod.

- The foggy pod. - Yeah. - The foggy pod voice. - The foggy pod, no. - He's a foggy pod. The other problem I have to admit is, Blay sits in on these and he's a giant bellows that you'd put next to a fireplace. - Right. - You're extremely loud. - I always have to turn down my earphones when he brings up to the mic. - Don't, just take it easy. Don't do your normal thing, Blay. But when you get excited, it's not your fault, you get excited 'cause you're like a giant, giant sheepdog and you go running up to the mic and you yell things.

All of that is true. That was better. Thank you. That was fantastic. Can I also just say, I feel like it's not my fault because I have a large head. So naturally my voice is louder just because of the physicality. Yeah, I wouldn't know about a large head. Six of your heads fit inside one of my head.

So I'm not interested in that excuse. Sona, does it hurt to talk? I hope. I mean, I hope. No, no. What I meant to say was, is it painful when you speak? No, it's not painful. It doesn't hurt at all. It's kind of painful to me.

I don't care. I don't care what's painful to you. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean it either. You have disciplinary issues with your twins. Is it hard to keep them? Well, you've sent me videos of them pretty much taking the house apart with hammers.

Are you able to control them when you don't have your voice? No. So yesterday, because I usually read to them when Tack's at karate. And then yesterday, I couldn't read to them. Again, let me just, again, translate. Your husband, Tack, still takes karate. Three times a week? Three nights a week, yeah. Well, he's ready. He's ready for that ninja attack. Okay. I'm so jealous. No,

No, no, not at all. I think it's ridiculous. You're jealous. A father of two. There's no time for karate. There's no time. You do things for yourself. You're supposed to continue. No, I go to a place where I am waxed. Someone else does the waxing. They just put on the, you know what I mean? And then I'm scraped and exfoliated and powdered. Oh, those powders.

Anyway, so you... So I usually read to the boys. Mikey could not understand why I couldn't read to him, even though I was like, I just don't have a voice. I don't have a voice. He probably thought you didn't love him or something. Yeah. He yelled, read, read, read, over and over again for like an hour. What a monster. What a tyrant. What a tyrant. Oh my God. Yeah. I hate him.

I hated it so much. Very Stalin-esque, I think. I almost started crying because I was like, what am I going to do? I don't have a voice. You think I like this? Yeah, he has no empathy. This is the worst thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's scary. Don't say that about my kid. No, no, I'm just saying he'll grow and let's just hope that he develops an empathetic inner voice. Oh, my God. Well, I'm just saying it's for him to be screaming at his sick mother. Terrible. You're one to talk. You're an awful person. Your daughter's lovely, by the way. She is lovely. Clearly empathetic.

No? What's the matter with your daughter? Nothing's wrong with my daughter. She's just really giving us a run for our money. I was up at three and haven't been asleep since. Also, she's big into role play, you know, where she'll go like, you're Elsa, I'm Anna, or you're Cookie Monster, I'm Big Bird. But then now she goes up to strangers in the streets. Okay. She'll go up to a grown man by himself, look at me, point at him, and go, you this guy. Oh. Yeah.

And the guy's like, what? So she's directing an improv show with unwilling participants. Yeah, which makes me feel like I got to go up to the guy and go like, can you give me some of your character traits? What are you into? I got to faithfully portray you or my daughter's going to throw a tantrum.

You do have kind of a laugh. Your laugh kind of works. There are a little bit there. Yeah, that's nice. The laugh works. As long as the laugh works, I'm happy. As long as I get the chuckles, I'm good. Do you feel any... Any what? I'm sorry. I really want to hear you. I want to say, do you feel at all sad for me?

Why are you laughing at me? I'm not laughing at you. I don't call me a dick, you big rod. No, I'm not. Big rod. I'm not saying that. Listen, I'm on your side. I do feel sad for you. I think it's adorable. I have to say, I'm being really honest now. Sona, I don't feel badly for you. I feel, I don't. I have no feelings of sadness. I think it's adorable. I want to give you a little cheese.

I want you to live in a little hole in the wall. I want you every now and then to decide that you're going to take a little leaf and turn it into a boat and go down a stream. Do you know what I mean? That would be nice. And that when it rains, you just take a little top of an acorn and you put it over you. It protects you from the rain. This is not, I wish I didn't come into work today. I'm so glad you did. It makes me happy. The good thing is that after the interview, we're going to come back for a segment and talk more about this.

Yeah. So you're about to be part of the segment and that's going to be fun. Okay. Because, you know, I'm sure it's going to be a great interview, but just you chiming in every now and then a little squeak, squeak is going to make me happy. You're such a bad person. Yeah, probably. All right. We should go. Sona, best of luck. Apologize. Best of luck during the interview. You too.

My guest today is an Emmy Award winning comedian and writer. I won't apologize. Now you can see him as a guest correspondent on the 16th season of the ABC series. What would you do streaming on Hulu? He's a good friend to us. I'm thrilled he's with us today. W. Kamau Bell, welcome.

I have sent you emails and you respond to those emails, which is like ahead of a lot of people. So I feel like that's a... No, I'm... Oh, so now I'm hearing you respond to every email. I just respond to everything. Nigerian princes. Oh my, I'm so tight. I am so tight with the Nigerian prince. I didn't just give money. I then visited the Nigerian prince and we hang a lot.

He's a very nice person. It's terrible what happened to him. Subject line is, I want to catfish you. You're like, sure, let's talk about this. How do we get this catfish going? I remember we had one, we were going back and forth on something, and then you, for some reason, sent me a picture of your apartment. And I was like, you need to clean. Oh, yeah. Remember? And then I felt like I had invaded your space. Yeah. But it was very messy.

I'm just saying, you gotta get that shit together. First of all, I live in a house. I don't know why I got put in an apartment. Like, I'm a grown man with children. All I could see was two... All I could see was one room, so... Well, I didn't go, here, let me show you every room in my house. I didn't... Well, that's what I expected. I'm sure...

To be a completion. Let me show you the outside, every room. Here's my kids' rooms, all three of them. Here's my wife's room. Here's the closet. Here's some clothes. Yeah, no, I didn't. I forget what the reason was, but I'm sure it was regular reason of the time. And I feel weird that you brought it up. I'm glad I brought it up. I just, you know, demonstrated to everyone two things that we're capable of being very close.

And you could be neater. Those are the two things I want to come out of this podcast. Those two things are true. Those two things are true. That is true. Since then, we've moved into a smaller house. And now my area is the room is the area of the house next to my side of the bed. That's the only area I get to do with what I want. So it makes it easier to clean up now.

Do you have any weapons in the house? That's what I want to know. No, we don't have any weapons in the house. Okay. I don't, yeah. I'm not a weapon. I have a five-year-old who's very feral. Okay, I want to- What are you going to do, a home invasion? Why are you asking about that? I'm bringing this up for a reason. I'm bringing this up for a reason. And I want to get your take on this. And tell me if I'm crazy or not. Yes. This is friends with comedian actor Joel McHale. Joel McHale's running schtick with me is he always gives me weapons.

Not guns or anything like that, but kind of interesting steampunky weapons that you can buy on the dark web. One of those knives that does this? All kinds of crazy things. And I always ended up like hiding them and putting them on a high shelf. And then I think it was my birthday last year. He gave me a crossbow.

and a real crossbow. So now I'm announcing this to the world, but when am I going to use a crossbow? And it's apparently like a very nice crossbow and it's a box. It's completely unassembled in the box. So I just put the box way on this top shelf, way, way. And when I say top shelf, I'm six, four. How tall are you? Six, four. Okay. I have to stand on a box to reach the top of this shelf and slide this box up there. So it's way, way, way up on top of this very, very high shelf in our garage.

and it's facing the other way so you can't even see what it is. And it's this box and inside it has a disassembled crossbow. And the other day my wife is saying, "I think it's just crazy you have that thing in the garage." And I said, "What?" And she said, "I mean, anyone breaks into our garage and there's a weapon right there?" And I said, "What?" And then she said, "You know, someone could come in and they could use that crossbow against us." And I said, "Hold on a second. You're saying someone could come into our garage

see that box, investigate it, spend 40 minutes assembling a 14th century weapon and then come up into our bedroom and I said, and menace us? That's what I used. I said, menace us with a crossbow and they've got one shot and then I charge. I was like, okay, that part. What?

You don't strike me as a charger. I'm not a charger. No, you strike me as a target. No, you strike me as an old school cowerer. Yeah. Yes. Like an old school, not even new school cowerer. I'm sorry. I misspoke. My wife would charge. I would flee. Fair enough. Okay. Flee screaming, the money's in there. I can always remarry. I would scream as I fled. The insurance is in her name. She has more shoes than you think.

as I flee into the underbrush. Anyway, I just thought, no, that's not something I... That's not a... Yes, if I had a handgun lying around, but I don't think that's a legitimate thing to be worried about. I want you to weigh in. I just like the fact that the person breaks into the house. First of all, you have no security, apparently, which is interesting. Breaks into the house... I'd like to get that out there, too. I do not. No security, just...

There's no alarm. I don't believe in alarms and locks. They don't really work. So they get to this high shelf. So they're like, so let's say it's like Victor Wimbanyama breaks into your house. So he just reaches up and grabs it because he's 7'4". It would have to be someone, yeah, very, very tall. Who can see it. He just looks and goes, oh, crossbow right there. Pulls it, opens it up.

It's a crossbow. Probably not expecting a crossbow. Then they pull up a YouTube video on their phone. How to assemble this crossbow. Yeah. And you hear all the like, ah. And in that time, you and your wife are just deep ambient sleep. Yes. Like no. Deep, deep sleep. Deep sleep. And then comes into the bedroom. And the first thing I would do is I'd be looking at the crossbow and the person wielding it and probably noticing that they've missed a step in the assembly. Yeah.

And I'd be saying that. One of those ones you have to step on and pull up? Oh, yeah. I think it's a very complicated. There's like a ratchet. Oh, my God. Yeah, I mean, crossbows were always complicated. That's why we don't still have them around in general. They very quickly were like, this isn't worth it. There was a rash of drive-by crossbow firings. Muskets also didn't last very long.

You better stand there for 20 minutes while I get this reloaded. Yeah, that's not, these are not the weapons. I'm going to empty this powder into this. Yeah. But I can guarantee my wife would not let me have any style of crossbow assembled or unassembled in the house. Yeah. Well, so, so you're sort of saying my wife is, you get it, you get it. Maybe I was wrong. I was, I,

I was having fun with the whole thing, as I do, mocking her. First mistake as a husband. Yep. Robbing her of her agency. And I was wrong. I admit now that I was wrong. Okay.

But we also have a fully functioning World War II landmine. It's armed? I just thought someone would go to that first. Of course it's armed, dummy. I'm not going to buy a dud online. That thing cost me $600. Now that I'm with, because that's fully armed. It's ready to go. It's ready to go. I'm always amazed at people that... I think it's a big thing here in LA is people that have a lot of weapons in the house. And I always think, that's...

That just doesn't go well. That never is. It doesn't seem like a good idea. I mean, people forget that California is basically like Texas with gay people. You know what I mean? Like it's not it's not really this sort of like bright blue, whatever. Most of the state is Texas. So there's a lot of guns here. Right. There's a lot of guns. We just sort of have different laws. But that doesn't mean we don't have the number of guns. Right. Right. We're just I mean, but I I would Joel would give me he gave me a what?

were you there, Adam? He gave me a mace. Like a, like a, but it's, but like a modern interpretation of a, of a knight's mace. So it's not the big spiky ball, but it was this sort of steampunk mace that someone's making in their, in their basement and selling them online. So like the kind of mace somebody would pitch on Shark Tank.

Exactly. I have updated the mace. Right. And two of the sharks would be interested. Yeah. Others, you know. Mr. Wonderful's definitely in. Mr. Wonderful would be like, I'm in, but we're doing it my way. You license the mace. Mark Cuban, the Dallas Mavericks. We don't have a mace in our team store. I have to say Mark Cuban is always, always the one saying, for that reason, I'm out. He always says it almost immediately. Immediately.

almost immediately. He rarely gets involved. I'd like this to be a deep dive on Shark Tank. I don't watch any, I don't watch Shark Tank. I did have a period of time where I was like, that was the one show I watched. So I could have done it. I could do a deep dive on Shark Tank. That was the only show I watched on TV. Should I quickly explain, Sona showed up today. She has lost her voice. She was at an all night rave. I went to a rave.

And this is her real voice right now. Did you really? And I just wanted- I said I raved it. In case people don't know, like- Do you have a time machine? They're listening to this interview with this very funny guest. I wore a candy necklace. And I'm just-

And at one point you were saying, like, I'm not sure I should come in. And I was praying that you would come in because it sounds like you're at the bottom of a very deep hole. I know. It's awful. I didn't want to feel bad coming in because it is distracting. I'm a very loud person. No, I know. I know. I know. And I was also mad at you a little bit, too. Oh, what?

We have beef. What? We have beef? We have beef. We have beef. We have beef. Because I didn't invite you to the rave. No, that's the second beef. We have two beef. We have double beef. Double beef. Two patties. Two patties of beef. Oh, my God. Our books came out on the same day. Oh, that's right. I remember.

I remember that. But you know what? I remember that because I saw your name on the New York Times bestseller list right next to mine. Yeah. Except yours stayed there longer. Yeah, that's why the beef is not as hot as it would have been. But I did notice. I was like, oh, well, excuse me, competing on this weird obscure list that doesn't make any sense. I know.

Random assortment of lists written by people who might be celebrities. Matt, there are four people at this table. Two of them are talking about the day that they were on the New York Times bestseller list. And you and I don't know what's happening here.

We don't experience that. No, we don't. But we know our World War II minds. It was a contact mind. So was that a New York Times bestseller rave last night? Then I will be mad. Yeah, it was. All their favorite members on the list were invited. The guy who wrote The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. He was tearing it up.

- Was it the atomic, yeah. - He didn't give a fuck. - I just love listening to her like this. Is there any way, and this, I don't want this to sound in any way insensitive, but can we do something to you surgically so you always sound like this? This is fantastic. - This is so, no, no, I don't like this. - I mean, they could, I mean. - Don't you, yes, they could. - You shouldn't, but yes, you could. That is a thing that could happen. - Well, thank you, doctor. - You could, it's like Jurassic Park. You can do it, should you do it is the second question. - Exactly.

It's the first time I've seen you kind of vulnerable. It's nice. Yeah. It's nice. I hate it so much. It's like a pirate who's now in a tiny little canoe. Yes. Yes. You know, you're used to the pirate being like, and they've got lots of men with cutlasses and you're scared. And now you've got this, this little canoe and a little pea shooter. What the hell? I'm sorry. That's what you are now. Oh my God. She's screaming right now. No one's afraid of you. It was like General Patton took a hit off a helium balloon. Anyway.

The trick is not to die for your country. It's to get the other son of a bitch to die for his country. What else is going on with you? Here's what I want to say, an area where I do think, first of all, I always bonded with you over TV. We just love to watch a lot of television. We grew up watching a lot of television. It infected us.

I think it's where probably we got a lot of our sense of humor, but you watch a lot of YouTube. Oh yes. That is something I don't do nearly as much. How did you find that out? Yes, I do watch a lot of YouTube. I did find it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what is it, what do you like to watch on YouTube that you're not getting on television?

Like, what's YouTube giving you? And that's not challenging because I just want to know, like, should I be watching more YouTube? I mean, so there's a phenomenon called slow radio, which is like radio where not much is happening. YouTube is like slow TV. So it doesn't have to be a lot happening, but it just keeps sort of happening in front of you. And you sort of it can help you settle your brain, I feel like sometimes. So it does not like like in an era where every TV show you turn on, it's like.

Well, the last episode, you got to wear the sopranification of television. Yes, yes. You need to know this much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm out. I have three kids. I'm busy. I can't do all that. Last night, I watched a guy, Dr. Connor. He's from the UK and somewhere. And he cleaned out somebody's impacted ear. Oh. Oh.

And he's in, okay. And he's got a British accent, so it's very light and entertaining. You missed the rave for that? Yeah, I missed the rave for that. Well, it was a really impacted ear. He couldn't come. He was really impacted. I couldn't come. So I started with, I used to watch, I still do Dr. Pimple Popper. Everybody knows Dr. Pimple Popper. And then I sort of moved to ears.

The gateway. Yeah. So you're an ear, nose, and throat man. I'm an ear, nose, and throat man, yeah. I'm a breast guy, and you're an ear, nose, and throat man. And then there's a lot of people. There's a whole generation of young people growing up who don't actually even want to be on TV. So they're actually spending time and effort to make things that are very good.

That should be on TV maybe, but these people didn't grow up in a TV generation. So they're just like, like I watched a four hour video about plagiarism on YouTube. Oh really? Yeah. Like four hours, just about plagiarism as it happens on YouTube by a guy named H bomber guy. And I didn't know I was gonna watch all four hours of it. I was like, ah, let's see what happens. And then it's like three in the morning. I'm like holding my,

phone like i gotta see how this ends does he solve the case so there's these they're called uh video essays and so there's like fd signifier h bomber guy i just discovered lindsey ellis like there's all these people who are making these basically documentaries but out of their homes on youtube and i'll and then you could and so it's it's better i find it to be more entertaining once on tv generally and uh what about like cooking shows do you ever do cooking shows yeah who's the guy uh uh

Binging with Babish is good because he takes shit. You would like this. He takes food that has been on television. Like, for example, on The Simpsons, they make something and he makes it in real life. And so you get to see like the food that has been a part of TV shows that he then creates. I could see that for most any other TV show, but.

Simpsons is a cartoon, so I don't know how they're recreating. I mean, like if someone goes to Moe's and order something. Like, yeah, like the like the like I think like the sandwich, the famous like the big sandwich that Homer wore. He makes what he thinks is his version of that. And he does like Soprano stuff and the goth like he does a lot of like. Yeah. So, yeah. So there's a there's just a variety of things on YouTube. Like, for example, like my daughter wanted to learn how to ride a bike and I don't know how to teach a kid how to ride a bike.

And so we were at the park. She's like, I want to learn today. She's very insistent. Right. And so I Googled easy way to teach kid to ride bike on YouTube. And up tops this video of this guy who's like, here's a teacher can out of ride a bike in five minutes. And it worked in about seven minutes. That's fantastic. I feel like it.

YouTube gets disrespected because we think we know. I think there's a certain thing that's perfect, and that's a perfect application for YouTube. The ways that I use YouTube are mostly for guitar. Like there'll be a song that I hear and I really want to hear it. And all I have to do is push in, how do I play that song on the guitar? And there are nine people there. Two are always from England. I don't know why. And they're in their basement and they're showing me how to do it.

And they're being very patient. And I really connect with some of these people. And I think that's a fantastic use of it. I think when people are going on YouTube to learn how to defend themselves legally in a court of law or remove a cornea, you know, that's where it's a problem. Well, yeah, that happened to me. I shouldn't have removed that cornea. But, uh... Fair. Then you went on YouTube, how to put it back. How to put a cornea back. In five minutes, because I don't have a lot of time. How do I reattach this cornea? ♪

Think of your own life. It's only when you look backwards, you see how it was all connected. Lessons in Chemistry is nominated for 10 Emmys, including Outstanding Limited Series. Our greatest discoveries come when you expose yourself to the unknown. Outstanding Lead Actress, Brie Larson. Fantastic. Outstanding Supporting Actor, Lewis Pullman. You can count on it. Outstanding Supporting Actress, Asia Naomi King. You think you can't do it? Lessons in Chemistry is a triumph. That is worthy of applause. Lessons in Chemistry, now streaming on Apple TV+.

♪ ♪

And life is good? Not really. What? No. Here's the thing. I overheard, I'm coming down the stairs because I hear you talking to Andy Richter, who's out there hanging out, taking food from the kitchen. Yeah, we've got a co-working space. And selling it online. And as I was coming down the stairs, he said, how's it going? And you said... I did the thing where you answered honestly what you're not supposed to do. I forget sometimes that you're supposed to be like, oh, it's great. And it's funny.

And it's not bad, but you know. Not in that voice. It's great. Everything's fine. Thanks for asking. I feel really great about all my life choices and the state of the world. It's really growing great. I have no issues. I have nothing. I got three kids. That's the perfect number of kids to have.

You got a 12-year-old, a 9-year-old, a 5-year-old. Those ages are all awesome. Yeah, everything's great. Nothing going wrong. Mom's 86. Things are perfect. Yes! Life! Life! And I picked the right business to be in. Show business! Yay! I've made a lot of good choices. Yeah. No, so things are good. I get the sense, correct me if I'm wrong, you like some chaos. Oh, no. No. No, no, no. You like...

I feel like because you always have, it always feels to me like you have a bunch of things. Too many things. Too many things going on at the same time and you must be drawn to that.

I get very phobic. You know, people want me to be thinking about more than one thing at a time. And I, I visibly tense up because I just want to think about one thing at a time. And I, I feel like you like to put yourself in a position where, okay, I'm doing this show for ABC. Then I'm, but I'm doing this special for CNN, but I'm also doing this and I'm also doing that. And then I'm building a kiln to make some, some. Yeah. Well, and then I, then I got to finish that ear impact video. I mean, I think I,

My problem is that I'm just curious about a lot of things. So I definitely do tend to overload myself with like, oh, I can do this and I can do that. And then also, again, show business, you can't be like, I'm going to do one project because that's going to be the one that is going to pay my bills. So you're like, I probably should start all four of these things and see what happens. And then I look up and be like, oh, my God. There's too many things. Yeah, but I am –

unfortunately as an only child curious about a lot of things can sort of talk myself into any idea and often attracted to ideas that are like, you know, that later I'm like, whose idea was this? And my wife's like, you're the one who decided to do a four hour documentary about Bill Cosby. I'm like, Oh, that's right. It wasn't me. Right. I never get to laugh. Yeah.

It used to. I was like, as being a stand-up comic, I have to make my own gravy, like the dog food commercial. I can't wait for somebody else to go, you're the guy. I sort of know where I exist in this business, thankfully, so I'm not going to get the call where it's like we figured out who the next Marvel hero is.

it's you. It's not going to happen. So I just know that I have to sort of like do my own thing. Yeah. Also the training involved and the dieting. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I haven't done it. Oh,

Oh, really? That's the reason. Only reason. Yeah. Every day they call, are you ready? Are you ready? What are they offering you? What role? Let him pick. You can have your pick. Well, apparently Captain Marvel had a... Is there a Captain Marvel? Yeah, but it's a woman. It's a woman. Yeah. Well, she has a great grandmother. Oh, okay.

And I could play her. Grand Marvel. Yeah, with a prominent eye vein and thin lips. But also, I had to get in kick-ass shape for that. Oh, boy. No, I just... Is this kick-ass shape?

Oh, Sona. I just didn't know. I just don't know. I don't know. Clearly, you took your glasses off. You can't see. You're sitting opposite an incredible male specimen. I'm sure. I just didn't know. You didn't know. I was making sure that I could judge what you think kick-ass shape is. There's waves of testosterone coming off my body right now. Right, Sona? No, there isn't at all.

She's like, there's not a wave. I think it's your body deflecting testosterone. Oh, that's it. It's testosterone. Yeah. Testosterone is passing through your body. If there's any testosterone in the air, my body repels it immediately and makes a cloud. Um,

Yeah, I'm just, Sona, I'm enjoying this. I'm so glad you like it. Yeah. I like when you, ooh, burn. That was really satisfying. Yeah, yeah, that was good. That was really good. Who do you sound like? Move on. Move on. Who is it? Move on. It's someone from the, it's like Marlon Brando when he's dying in The Godfather, you know? Okay. It,

It is someone who's bleeding out. Yeah. It's someone who just has maybe another minute to live and is like, my killer was... And then nothing. And then I die. Yeah. Chaz Palminteri. Oh, God. Is that what you're getting? Chaz Palminteri? I'm getting a little Chaz Palminteri. Shut up, Blake. Oh. Yeah. That actually worked. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and say it. I hate it.

It is Chaz Palminteri from like a Bronx tale. No, it's not. It's a little, yeah. No, it's not. It is. It's a Bronx tale. It's Bronx tale Chaz Palminteri. Is it? And by the way, when you leaned in and said, I'm getting a little Chaz Palminteri, I thought if in a different context, that could mean something very different. You know what I mean? Say, now you just can't leave. That's from. Now you just can't leave. Yeah, it's Chaz. You know what? Tack says I sound like the pervert from The Family Guy. Oh.

Oh. You don't know who he's talking about? No, I don't. That's why I went, oh. But he's getting a little Chaz Palminteri. Oh. That's your fake. Blending in. That's your fake. Oh, I do that when I don't know what's going on. When someone says, yeah, well, the Environmental Protection Agency made that ruling in 1974. And I go, oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure they did. I'm not going to talk anymore. No, no, no. We love it. He's chiming in. No. Okay. Okay.

This gig you're working on now, you're a guest correspondent on this ABC show that you were...

a fan of already called What Would You Do? I mean, yeah, this show, What Would You Do? It's been on the air. It's for like 15 seasons. It's one of those shows that like a lot of people don't think about. But if you describe it to me like, oh, yeah, I've seen that show. It's like it's John Quinones sets up these sort of like prank things, but always with like a sense of like, will people help? And so it's been on the air for a long time. It's big on social media. It's big with tick tockers. But it's like it's because there's all these short clips of seeing people in awkward situations and

trying to figure out what people would respond to that situation. So I've seen it and thought it was a good show, but never in any way thought that I would be invited to be part of it. But I got a call because the skills that I think I've developed over the years seem to be applicable to this. And I got to film it in Mobile, Alabama, which is my dad's hometown. So you said, I want to film this. Did you choose Mobile or was it just a nice coincidence? I mean, they knew I was from Mobile. They chose it for me. I think also because John was like, I'm not going to Alabama.

And you can only film it in certain states because you can't do hidden camera shows like you can't do in California. So, of course, you can do them anywhere in the South because the laws are just... There are no laws. The times I've seen the show, I think I saw one where there was either a pregnant woman or a woman pretending to be pregnant and...

her husband's or her partner's berating her for like, you got to lose weight. And they're just trying to see if anyone is going to do anything. Yeah. And it's nice because I always like it, obviously, when people rise to the occasion. Yeah, I think it's sort of, you know, we live in this time of like, I mean, it's been overstated. It's the most divided. It's the most polarized. And it just sort of shows that like,

people will generally step up if they, if they, if they can help in some small way, you know, it's not assembly or crossbow level of help, but if there's some sort of like, I can tell you to like, I see you being taken advantage of, let me help you out. So yeah, it's a, it's heartwarming at a time of heart coldening this country. Are you a, uh,

This gets tricky, but I always lean slightly optimistic even during these times, and sometimes I get shit for that. But I do read a lot of history, and I'm reading a book now about...

19th century and an election where the country's completely divided and one side thinks the other side cheated and there's a lot of misinformation. And Samuel Tilden thinks that he won the presidency. But there's this massive fight between Hayes and Tilden. And I'm reading it and going, oh, we've been here before. I keep reading things and thinking we've been here before, the difference being now that we have the internet. But I try to always maintain some calm

But unfortunately, my rallying cry is, hey, everybody, things have always been kind of shitty. Yeah.

Take it easy. It was, you know, there was a lot of misinformation, cruelty, you know, and just overall cruddiness for hundreds of years. And that doesn't seem to cheer people up. If the country can overcome Samuel Tilden. Yeah. You all remember how hard that was. Yeah. It was a big deal. It was a big deal. People were bringing, you know, weapons to Congress and threatening each other. I can't even imagine. And I was reading about it and I was thinking, wait a minute.

This is madness. This is, you know, we've done this before. I mean, I, I, I,

I always feel like optimism only means something if people are doing the work to make the optimism make sense. So I think that, like, I think some people like to use optimism as a way to sort of go, it's going to be fine. Anyway, back to love at first sight or whatever that show is. You know, like, anyway, back to this video of this guy getting this crud out of this ear. But I think that if you're not literally, you know, doing the work to make things better or you're not –

in some way putting yourself out there to help then the optimism is ill-founded but as a student of history you also know like no country's on top forever so i feel like we might be in the like so i think the world might be fine but america might be like you know over all the time we have for today

I'm going to wrap things up now. How come that makes me laugh? But wait a minute. How come... But then the question is, what does it mean when they say it's over? Like, sometimes people say to me, oh, there's going to be a civil war. And I say, well, it's not going to be 1861 where the country's divided over a fairly neatly defined Mason-Dixon line and you've got northern and southern states. It's going to be Oxnards fighting with Malibu. Like, it's going to be... I'd like to see that show. Exactly, but...

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't understand how there's a... And then I also feel like, yes, people are really riled up, but they're also going to want to still be able to go to their ATM and get their money and then go to that movie they want to see or whatever. They're going to want to go to that restaurant they want. I don't see what it looks like. What is the Civil War going to look like? I mean, you know, I think that...

I don't know exactly how it plays out, but I do think that there's like when people go to see Rome, what are you going to see when you're, what are the things that the tourists want to see? Like the ruins of what used to be. So I think you might be like, this used to be a restaurant I went to. They have the Coliseum. And you're saying that we're going to be. SoFi Stadium. Well,

Well, that's it. Okay. All right. I was picturing like a cheesecake factory that has got vines growing all over it. This was a food court. You don't imagine they had Italian food, but also Greek food, but also. It's called 7-Eleven, but it was open 24 hours. But go ahead. You were making a serious point. No, I don't have to do that. No, no.

No, no, I want to hear it. No, I think that like, even think about this, like with immigration, this country was whatever it was because we had the best publicist going who said, if you're smart somewhere in the world, go to America and you can then make, you can then be the best version of yourself. And so we got credit for a lot of people coming here to then give us their talents and then be American, you know? Yep. And now I think if you're, if you're some smart kid growing up somewhere on the other side of the planet, you're like, is that really? Is

is America the place I want to go? So then some other place becomes that place. And I don't know what that place is. I mean, look, I don't know. I Google every day, like, what's the new America? Yeah. Where are they going? Because I still think when I travel around that I do think people are still interested in coming to the United States. No, I think, I just think, but yeah. You're just looking ahead. You're saying. I'm looking post-November. That's all I'm doing. Yeah.

Oh, I thought you meant the near future. Oh, we're okay. I've got till November. Actually, I get this question a lot. Like, are you hopeful? Come out. And people want me to be hopeful because I think that means they don't have to do anything. Yeah, I want you to be... That's why I asked you. Yeah, yeah. You want me to be like, come on, it's fine. I want you to say it's fine so then I can go yogurt shopping. Yeah, exactly. And then...

And that's why I'm looking for a gated community that has three gates, one inside the other. And then you could say, I don't have an alarm system. I just have three gates. I have nine gates. No, I don't know. It doesn't have to be this way. There are things we can do to make this country better than it is, but we have to be invested in outcomes that are outside of just one.

If it's better for us in particular. And Americans have a hard time with that, you know. So like you drive through cities and you see sites of things that go, this didn't used to look like this or these people didn't used to live like this in this way. And we drive past and you go, well, good luck to those people. But, you know, I think that like we have to be invested in the success of the community. And I think one thing that's happened politically in this country is a lot of people in this country are really uninvested in community. They're more invested in themselves. Right.

Yeah. It's very easy for people to just surf online and be made enraged. Because if you let the algorithm run you, the algorithm will always push you towards anger. Yes. So the algorithm runs on us all. You're more likely to be like, I hate that guy and click to the next thing. They're like, isn't that nice? So I think that like that's why it's on both sides is because because if you're getting if you're sort of really like locked in on social media, you will be you'll be angry all day.

So for me, when I post on social media, I try to give people an opportunity to engage or help instead of just isn't this sad. Isn't this terrible. Or at least – or laugh. Like isn't this funny? I think isn't this funny is way better than isn't this sad with no help attached to it. Right. Yeah. Well, I think –

I mean, that brings it back to comedians. I think comedians are the real heroes. Oh, God. Isn't that where we were going? Yeah. I think if there's any superheroes in this world... True. I don't need that gig. If there's anybody who really... I mean, the true Purple Heart winners...

are the comedians in basements and nightclubs around this country. No, no, no, no. Just specific ones with podcasts. Oh, well, podcasting is really the real, first of all, just even getting a podcast shows that you've really decided to become a hero. Yeah. And the heroes used to be late night hosts. And then about two and a half years ago, I feel like it switched over. It's weird. Yeah. Who can say why? Yeah. Um, yeah. So on this show, do you, uh,

Did you get to be in on what these scenarios would be? I got to sort of like guide them and sort of like put my two cents in. And it's funny when you watch the show, because John Quiniotis is really like managing the show over his like on a like a device, like tell them to say this. And I'm watching like I'm watching the show in real time. Like, oh, don't do that. Ah, that's.

I'm really like, I'm watching it like a viewer. And because my dad's from Alabama, I felt really connected to like, don't embarrass me, Alabama. Because as we all know, Alabama is good for embarrassing itself. So when Alabama looks good, it's like they scored a touchdown. I'm like, yeah!

Alabama doesn't look shitty. That's on the license plate, by the way. Alabama goes way out of its way. That's their motto. And I've been texting people in Alabama like, can I still come home? Can I still walk around? How old were you when you left Alabama? I mean, I never, I've been going my whole life. So I never like was, I just like I used to go every summer.

I used to like, and I lived there for two and a half years, but I've never like lived there for a whole period of time. I would feel like summer would be the time to take a break from Alabama. Well, that's gotta be brutal. Uh, my mom felt summer was a time to ship her son off to Alabama so she could enjoy her summer. Yeah.

That was how my mom was like, go visit your dad so you can connect with your dad. And so I grew up thinking that my mom never- You should be very close to the equator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up thinking my mom never had a social life, but she's like, no, I did that in the summers. That's when I was out doing fun things is when I would send you to your dad's in Alabama. So, yeah. Were you an only child? I am an only child. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I can't. I don't know. I can only imagine. And trust me, as a child, I spent a lot of time imagining. Whenever I find these sad only children who are like, I wish I had. I'm like, I had none of that. I was so happy to be an only child.

I feel like you get to have your own thoughts. You get to be, you get to think your own things. You get to do your own thing. Like I have three daughters and they're always just fighting about nonsense. And I'm like, and sometimes I'm like, I say to my middle kid, yeah, it was great to be an only child. So I understand what you're dealing with right now, because this, I wouldn't want to put it with any of this nonsense. Uh,

Explain your fascination. I don't think you need to explain it because it makes sense to me. But I want to talk to you about Denzel Washington because you've devoted a chunk of your life to Denzel Washington. Yeah. Yes. An incredible actor. A very, very good. Yes. An incredible actor. Like, yes. Yeah. Michael Jordan. Pretty good at basketball. I didn't say pretty good. I said incredible. You said like, yes, an incredible actor. Well, yes, I'm just saying. But there are. What is it about Denzel Washington specifically? Well, me and my friend Kevin Avery, who's also a

comedy writer and actor had a podcast for years called Denzel Washington is the greatest actor of all time period because we felt we needed to declare that he was the greatest actor of all time period because he clearly is and he did not get the respect at the time. So I just think that like, you know, the

feels weird like why is chocolate delicious I don't know Conan I don't like chocolate you're the weird one you're the weird one that's stupid Sona tried to gasp and it just sounded like one of those people that has a hole in their throat come on yeah it just sounded like a tea kettle that had no water in it I'm like Debbie from the smoking commercial with the hole in

That's what you are. Yeah. I smoked for 20 years. Can you just say I smoked for 20 years? I smoked for 20 years. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good laugh.

Terrible cancer. Anyway. Oh, my God. Well, I hope you're happy. I'm just saying I sound like Debbie. Yeah, I think it's terrible. Okay. You should be ashamed of yourself. Has Denzel ever been on the podcast? He has not. I don't think I've ever met him. Does he do podcasts? That's one of the things I like about him. He doesn't do any of the... Yeah, and he doesn't need to. No, he's at that last era of actor who doesn't have to have social media. He doesn't have to... Even when he wins awards, he's not that impressed with it. He does a lot of game shows.

He's the new host of Family Feud. He's taking over for Steve Harvey. He has so much class and dignity. I'm just picturing him like doing stuff on Nickelodeon, getting slimed and being like, this is what you got to do. Yeah, he is. Got to get the word out on the enforcer or whatever. I don't know. Equalizer. Equalizer? Okay, sorry. That's okay.

No, I just think he's – I think me and my friend Kevin would realize that we were talking about Denzel a lot. And we realized that, like, we didn't hear other people talking about him as much. And we just felt like nobody ever thinks of him as being one of the – I mean, maybe he's not the greatest, but nobody thinks of him really as being among the greatest actors of all time, period. But he gets respect, I'm thinking. I feel like Denzel Washington gets a lot of respect. But whenever you talk about the greatest actors, there's, like, a sort of a crew of, like, De Niro and –

And Pacino and like, and, and, uh, you know, DiCaprio, all the O actors. Well, yeah. He's more consistent than all three of them. Yes. And has been a box and he's still a box office draw, even though he's like, get, he's getting up there, but he's like, and I think the issue that he has had is because of Hollywood and the racism of Hollywood. Like he's just not, he's not seen as being in that same lane. And so I feel like we were just like,

we need to claim him and also give him his flowers before he passes because when he goes away there's going to be like a ton of like he's the greatest thing but I felt like I would like him to hear it now even though it was embarrassing when I found out he had heard about the oh he did hear about it yeah well so first Kevin met him at some event in LA and I

at that point I had my first TV show. So Kevin was like, Oh yeah, me and my friend, there we go. I have a podcast about you. He goes, that was my bell. That's that brother's always talking about me on the internet, which I was like, Oh, like he was accusing me of being like, Oh, don't show up in my house. Like, yeah. Yeah. And Kevin said he didn't see to seem like, Oh yeah, we've, we've put him on our list. Like we know that he's a, and then I got to go to his, uh,

the AFI tribute to Denzel Washington. And they invited me to it. So I was like, well, at least I'm not on the bad list. And my wife's like, you have to meet him. You have to go meet him. And I was like, I just can't. I feel weird. I did this podcast. I wasn't doing the podcast anymore, but I felt weird about it. I can't go talk to him. And she's like, you have to. And so she literally picked me up. Not literally picked me up, because she's not

bigger than me but she's like we have to go so she escorted me over it was during a break and like Julia Roberts is there Spike Lee is there it's like all these famous people and I'm walking over in this rented tuxedo and uh and Denzel uh turns to talking to Spike Lee and I'm sort of standing over there and uh and Spike Lee looks at me who I've met before and then Spike Lee says something to Denzel and this woman who's a journalist says something to Denzel like this is and

And Denzel looks at me and looks at Spike Lee. I don't know if I can say this on the Conan O'Brien podcast, what he said. Sure, yeah, you can. You can say anything. Denzel looks at me and goes, my nigga. Oh. That's cool. First time that's been said on this podcast. I was going to say, yeah, not since the Harrison Ford episode.

Yeah, I don't know why it was said so often on that podcast. No, it was so weird. That's why I started paying attention. And like Vin stands up and said, like he actually said, and I don't know if he still feels the same way, but in that moment he said, he's like, I love you. Because at that point I was doing United Shades of America. And so I think he really started to understand me through that show, not through the sycophantic podcast.

And then I, you know, and I wept. And that's it. That's really nice. I like that story. It's a great, yeah, it's sort of, when I tell it, I feel a little embarrassed even telling it. Well, no, I mean, I think it's a great story. Except for the nigger part. I was really excited to say that in front of this room full of people. It's two times now. Well, you said I could say it, so I'm going to say it all the time. And now I'm going to invite everybody to say it. One, two, three. I've never seen a room clear out that fast. My voice is going. Oh, nice.

That's my move. So I was like, my voice is coming back. Sona might have said it a couple of times today and we wouldn't have heard it. It just sounded like a little burp. Just to be clear for everybody listening on YouTube, that's with the A, the soft A, not the hard E-R. It's the rap version. You brought up something that I've thought about recently, which is these people who are just amazing pass away.

and then everybody talks about them and says things that they'll never hear. Comedy icons pass on, and then everybody says, "Oh my God, weren't they absolutely amazing?" And I think, isn't there a way? You're angling on this for yourself, right? I'm just saying I don't feel well today. I've got a little bit of a sniffle, so maybe let's pretend I'm dying. I've got a little bit of a... No, no, no, no, please, please, no. But what I'm saying is I did feel that, I felt that way a couple of times

for example, with like Norm Macdonald, who I thought was such a brave and unusual comedian, and he was not being discussed at all and wasn't being talked about and wasn't part of the conversation. Then he dies and everybody comes out and says, what a remarkable, remarkably unique comedic voice that was, we'll never see again. And I thought-

I don't like this system. But he would have hated that. He would have hated it, but also he should hear it. And also even people that hate it kind of need to hear it, I think, sometimes. For sure. I agree with that. It just happened with Carl Weathers. Like, you know, I think that for the certain generation of people, whether it's from the Rocky movies or from, you know, Happy Gilmore, Carl Weathers or Arrested Development, he really sort of, there's something he does specifically that really,

sheds that is joyful and exciting. And you sort of, then he passes away and you're like, oh, we never...

I have a nice memory, which is a couple of years ago, I got invited to something Adam Sandler was having, and it was a bunch of people that he knew, party, event. I go over to the line to get food, and standing in line, I realize it's Carl Weathers is right next to me. And I was awestruck because I was 13 or 12 when Rocky came out. I

I love, love Carl Weathers. And I'm, so I talked to him for a little bit. He could not have been nicer. He was great. And then I said to him, you have no idea, Carl, I'm leaving this event and I'm calling my brothers and saying, I just hung out with Carl Weathers. And this was a party that all these people are at. And he was like, oh, well, thank you. And I'm like, no, no, no, you don't understand. I mean, I was-

So I was happy that when he passed, I didn't even know that he was ill. And this is what happens these days. These people touch your life. They're cool. He was also on Arrested Development playing himself. And he was abso-fucking-lutely hilarious. And you've heard the story that you can turn that into a soup or whatever. You can get a stew going. It was his idea to play the broke version of Carl Weathers. Yes. He'd beat Carl Weathers.

And he's just very, he's been an actor all his life and he's very economical about it. Get these sandwiches and you know what? You can put them in your pocket and you finish with that. And there's one point where there's total chaos breaks out in some scene on Arrested Development and he's running away and he's got the foil swan that you get when food, you've had them wrap up the food you didn't eat. Yeah.

right now fleeing with the foiled swan i feel like it's important to put that stuff out there because you just never know you know it's like tracy chapman coming back recently and suddenly being like it's this great moment of her at the grammys and we're all like we love you we haven't seen you we just want to say like we get to sort of like flutter with love she's like great i'm going back to the supermarket and home you know what i mean like right she doesn't necessarily seem to need it either but it feels good collectively to express positivity in a time when that

That doesn't get rewarded. It almost feels like it's it's for us more than it's for them sometimes in a weird way. Yeah. Well, sometimes you get reminded of how important a person is when you when you like, for example, Tracy Chapman and that's in Fast Car. It's like a lot of people like I forgot how much this meant to me. And so I'm glad that this song and this opportunity reminded me of it.

But often that doesn't happen until they pass away. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm going to want you to really step up when I go. Oh, boy. I'm going to write some stuff for you. Okay, please do. Please do. I'd rather have it pre-written so I don't mess it up. And also so you have something to say. No one influenced my life more than Conan O'Briain.

As a child, I looked up to him, even though we're close in age. He was the Denzel Washington of very white Irish Catholic. He was the Michael Jordan of Denzel Washington. Well, you know what? I love having you, uh, on the podcast because you are a force for good. You have such positivity. And, um, I just, I always feel better after I talk to you. Um,

even when you give me tons of shit, which I deserve. So thank you so much. And I'm going to be looking for you because I do like this show. I know you sometimes take on too much, but I like everything you do. So I'm rooting for you to do more. Thank you. It's funny when busy people tell me I take on too much. I'm like, man, I am in trouble. Conor O'Brien thinks I take on too much. I think I need to settle down. I have a line of jeans that I'm coming out with. And they're terrible. Anyway, God bless you.

Thank you. Go clean up your house, not your apartment. Get your shit together. And before I go, one, two, three, let's all say the N-word!

Okay, so far I think Sona's doing the best she can with the voice issue. Yeah. And when I say doing the best you can, I'm not saying it's good because it's really... It's good. I don't know. What do you do? How do you do the best you can without a voice? I don't know. I'm like an old trooper. Like, you know, many times I've had to do shows in front of thousands of adoring fans paying huge ticket prices. Not huge at all.

I enlist her. But anyway. Those are empty seats. There's something even more powerful about this voice cutting him down. They were empty seats. It's never an empty seat. I know who the voice is now from Godfather. It's Pentangeli. Yes, Frank Pentangeli. Frankie Five Angels. Yeah. You know the Roman Empire? Michael! Michael! Yeah. Yes. But anyway, that's nice. For the Godfather. Well, it's Godfather Part 2. Okay.

What were you going to say? Sorry? What were you going to say? Sorry? I was going to say that many times, is it not true? You saw me having vocal problems and I had to do a big show. And you know what? I did them. I love that.

I love it. And you know what I did? I knocked them flat. Can I say that? I went out there. I gargled with my honey. I went out there and I gave them the best show they ever saw. First of all, you had me. I made your throw code every single day. You did. Second, every time you spoke, I was like, Conan, you have to stop talking because of your voice. I don't have that. But would I? Would I stop talking? No, but it was a nice way to get you to stop talking.

And then another time, you went and actually saw some doctors who looked and made sure that you didn't have any permanent damage. I haven't done that. Yeah. Where's my Sona? Oh, I see. Who's looking after you? Who's looking after me? Well... You have to understand...

There's a certain hierarchy here, and I need to be protected at all costs. Okay. And I do care about you, but, you know, something happens, it happens, someone else will know. So, no, David Hopping is the one that should be looking after you. Where's David? Why doesn't he look after me? Well, this is hilarious. David Hopping doesn't show up at work yesterday. He's the one that's filling in for Sona, right? Taking over Sona's responsibilities. Yeah. He's just doing them. Listen. Okay.

he tells me he can't come in because he's at the hospital. And I'm like, what's going on? He's like, my foot, I can't put any weight on it. They're wrapping it right now. And I said, what did you do? Meaning, you know, you fell. And he says, I don't know. I woke up and got out of bed and my foot couldn't take any weight. He doesn't even know. So one assistant, no voice. No.

Who's a big part of a podcast. I know. And then I needed him to do a bunch of stuff. And he doesn't even know what happened. What is wrong with that generation? I don't know, but you guys should combine to be one body that works and one voice that works. Yeah, I'll be his feet. He'll be my voice. Yes, you carry him. He'll be the voice. Yes. I'm going to carry it. Is David here? Yes. Get David in here. Hobble in here, David. Hey, yeah. David.

David, shuffle on in here. Here, have a seat right here. Now, we're talking about the fact that I have two assistants. Some of you listening may think that's excessive. But please, when you get to the top of the world's highest pyramid in entertainment, that's what happens. Yeah, when you get these two assistants. So, Sona's voice doesn't work. Gimpy and squeaky. Yeah, we got gimps and squeaks.

Hey, it's a new radio. It's a new podcast. Gimps and Squeaks. It's Gimps and Squeaks. You guys should have a drive time morning show. My foot hurts. His whole thing, his foot hurts. He can't even hear it. But listen. No, he just keeps yelling, my foot hurts. David.

You and you're a young man. You're supposed to be. You're a healthy guy. And then you took yesterday off to go to the hospital and get your because you couldn't put any weight on your foot. And you have no idea what happened. No. So nothing. So you got out of bed and you tried to stand up. And what happened? I got out of bed fine. I like spent most of the day fine. And then I got off the couch later that night and that was it.

That was it. That was it. I was dead. It's not how this story should go. It's like you got bit by a black widow or something. No, it's just my ankle just gave out. I had gone out the night before. Okay, this is where it gets interesting. And what were you doing the night before? I went to a friend's birthday party. There was a DJ there, so I did dance for probably four hours. Oh, for God's sake, David. Well, the night before, I went to the old boulder toss. Oh.

What do you mean? You never told me that. You went dancing? Because like then the next day it was fine until the night. So like I feel like if I had done something dancing, wouldn't I have noticed like right away? No, because there's the high that you get when you're at a rave and you're dancing and you're having a lot of fun. And then it takes a while. You know a lot about raves. Let's talk about that. How do you know about the high at a rave? Name one rave you've been to. Oh, please. I went to one in 74. It was fantastic. Okay.

Blew the roof off that place. Hey. We all ate a lot of high-carb foods. Who was the DJ? Spun around. What's that? You spun around. DJ Jackie Jones. He was fantastic. Wolfman Jack. Yeah, it was great. Hey, you know I'm loathe to be on your side, right? I know you are. And this is not something I'm comfortable with. You're not comfortable with it? I think you need new assistants. I do. No, because listen, this guy's bones are made of marzipan. And then, you know, squeaky from over here in the corner. Squeaky from.

You know, you're just, it's, these are my people. You represent me in the world. Yeah. And you're both busted. You're broken. I think this is pretty appropriate. Yeah. These are your two reps right here. That's true. Oh, you mean reflecting a damaged career, a broken man. We don't say that. Well, please read the trades. What I'm saying.

It's the cover of Variety this morning. I worry about you, David, because you are way too young to have your bones just snapping. It's weird. Everything's fine. You're like, that's ridiculous. Everything's fine. I'm fine. And then me. She's fine. Well, then you. I don't know what's going to happen with you. If your voice doesn't get better very soon, you're fired. Oh, man. I think I'm allowed to say that. This is your lifeblood now. It is. This is your whole vocation. No, no, no. Attack has karate to fall back on. What?

He can chop wood with his hand. This chopped wood is fantastic. A karate chop. Thank you, Tack. My wife wouldn't let me go have karate lessons twice a week, ever. You were hosting a show. Yeah, hosting a show because America demanded it. America insisted upon it. They needed their fix of sweet cone. Oh.

Oh, God. 28 years of the cone zone, that sweet orange goo. God, oh, God. Anyway, I hope, I do hope. Who? Well, I don't mean it. Oh. I'm going to say it anyway because it's something I've seen caring people say stuff like this and I'm going to mimic it. I hope that you'll both feel better soon. Thanks, Forrest Gump. I worry about you both.

And I wish the best for you. I think our bodies are just giving out naturally. From this job? What if you both go to doctors independently and they run tests on your immune systems and they say, do you work with Conan O'Brien? Yes! It's an epidemic. And then they look under the microscope and there's little Conan heads that are eating your white blood cells, gobbling them and going, ha-cha-cha-cha-cha! Yeah. Gorley's next? No, Gorley's immune. Oh no, it's in him, it's in him! No, I have little Gorleys in my body.

Little Gorley's running around. You work with Matt Gorley. He's destroying your white blood cell count. Uh, I do hope you both feel better. Honestly, seriously. No, I don't know. You like, I tried it one last time and I sent you a note and I was like, my voice is gone. I don't know if I should come into work. And you were like, Oh, nice. Hold on a second. I love it. When we see, uh,

Uh, here, I got it. Gourley! Uh, this is what I sound like today. I hope that's okay. Uh, my voice was completely gone yesterday and this is what it is now. I still planning to come to work.

I'm ready to work. Passive aggressive. I just sound real stupid. Here we go. When I read you the chain, here's the, here's the chain. You texted, you were losing your voice. You're worried about it. And I wrote back, we can make this work for us. Exclamation point. First thing you said, that's the first thing I said. Then, um, Matt, of course, texts that he's concerned about your health. Um,

And then I wrote a joke. I thought you lost your voice speaking at your normal level. I'm still not being nice. And then you say, I'm not sick. I was congested Friday. And then I write, got it. I have advanced syphilis, but I'm told that's common.

You write back, we all knew that. You have a syphilis vibe. And I say, this is all this morning. It's called the syphs. It's like the riz, only you go insane and die in a 19th century sanitarium. To which I got a ha-ha, I think from Matt Gorling. Oh, God. Anyway, those are our normal texts that we don't think anyone's ever going to see. Does it upset you when people put ha-ha instead of typing ha-ha? I'll take whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

I don't care. If my obituary comes out and it's online and someone puts ha-ha on top, I count that as a laugh. All right, well, feel better, you guys. And I mean that the way someone would. Who cares? Okay. I guess things. ♪

Take it away, Jimmy. Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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