Taylor Tomlinson Returns
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Vitamin Water was born in New York because New Yorkers wanted more flavor to pair with all the amazing food in the city. Vitamin Water is so New York, its three favorite cheeses are chopped cheese, bacon, egg, and cheese, and a slice of cheese pizza. Drink Vitamin Water. It's from New York. Hi, my name is Taylor Tomlinson, and I feel thrilled about being Conan O'Brien's friend. That's really sweet. Yeah. That's very nice. Fall is here, here's

Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And I've got my two chums with me right here. Hi.

Oh, sorry. Let me put my glasses on. Oh, Matt, you're here too. Gosh. No, Matt Gorley, of course, here and Sonam Obsession. Yeah. How are you? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm doing great. Are you? I am. Okay.

Okay. A lot of people are asking me, how do I feel? Are you okay? I am fine. You ate a lot of spicy food on Hot Ones. Yes. I went on the show Hot Ones and I did not, I was aware of the show, obviously. It's a very successful show. I hadn't really, can't say I was an expert on the show. I went in thinking, well, whatever happens, I just have to eat all the wings and just

and just go for it and make a fool of myself. And so that's, I kind of had that plan in mind, but didn't know much beyond that. The host, very good, excellent. I like that guy a lot. He's a very good interviewer. He is. And they do a really good job on that show. So Sean's asking me questions and I was just determined to...

just keep stuffing these wings in no matter what. And then of course, me being me, I start drinking the sauce and rubbing it around on my face and my chest and everything. And so when I walk around now, because a lot of people have seen this, people keep asking me if I'm okay. I wonder the same thing. Well, I also just watched Conan Must Go, which is fantastic.

by the way. And in Thailand, you get pretty floored, albeit comedically, by some sauce. So I thought, you're going to go down when I see hot ones. Yeah. No, well, we played that up for comedy and then, and you're allowed to, in a sketch world or comedy world, you can fake things a little bit. I'm aware. Yes. Is that how comedy works? When I look at you two, I think an explanation might be in order. Yeah.

So what's the deal? Do you not have taste buds or something? How did you do that? I have never seen you eat spicy food. I don't eat spicy food. You know, there's people who like put Tabasco or Tapatio on stuff. I've had so many meals with you and I've never seen you eat spicy food. I have a theory is that the only thing worse than that amount of thermal spice would be you not...

not somehow getting the attention that eating all of that would give you. Yes. And all joking aside, and also I've had a bunch of people posit that I have the red-haired gene. You know, when I go to the dentist and they give me Novocaine, they then go to drill and it's like, I haven't had Novocaine. And I'm always saying, I feel everything right now. And they always say, oh yeah, you're a redhead. I don't know if that's, but I've had many dentists say that to me and they keep, they give me a lot more and they say that redheads are,

have whatever, higher pain threshold or something. I don't know what it is. Meaning you feel less pain, you feel more pain. You don't, well, you don't feel, I don't know. I don't know exactly how it works and I'm just freewheeling here. I just know what I've been told by people. I don't think it's it. I think you have it, Matt, which is I've always been, if I think something will be funny, I'll do it.

and deal with it later. And did you? Yeah, I did deal with it later. I was dealt with later. How did it manifest itself? I spot welded an iron. We're all thinking the same thing. I spot welded. I wanted it to be useful. And how much did you shit? How much did your butt hurt? Ha ha ha.

Here's what I decided to do. And do your butt taste buds. Here's what I decided to do. I decided that I wanted, after I ingested all that, I wanted it to be useful. So I found a construction site where they were doing spot welding. Okay.

And I went there and I said, gentlemen, if you want, I can weld these girders for you in about, I'm guessing about 15 minutes. You'll need to avert your eyes because I'll be dropping my pants. And they said, okay. And I said, I will need someone to stay behind and light it. And then we'll be all set to go. So there's a building in the Mid-Wilshire District that's going up. Come on.

And I think I did about 65 rivets in the building. And people were driving by saying Conan O'Brien's pants are around his ankles. And I think fire is shooting out of his ass and he's welding a building. And here's the biggest problem. I had to join the union.

But that way everybody wins. There's a building and trust me, that section of the building will never fall. That's the best. And they've had an engineer say, whoever did this, these are heat temperatures we've never seen. So every time you're going to weld something, you just have to eat a lot of hot wings? Yes, I'm in the union now. And all I have to do is, I've got all the sauces from Hot Ones. You are the saddest X-Man ever. Yeah.

Meet the X-Men. Really? He's on the X-Men? What do we do with him? His name's Assweld. And I just, and you know what it is? I have a bandolier and instead of, instead of ammunition, it's just sauces. And they're like, what are we going to do? How are we going to get out of this thing? The bad guys have sealed us in this lead safe. Hold on a second. Boom.

You have to pull your pants down. Does your uniform have a compartment? Oh, yeah. The uniform has what's actually it's a very tiny flap. That's the exact circumference of an anus. It's a tiny circle that unflaps and then just a beam of the whitest light you've ever seen comes out. Phosphorus. Phosphorus. Yeah.

And everyone has to put on welding goggles. Oh, God. But no, I did. Well, if you've known, like there are many times where I've done, I would do sketches and they would, if I think it's funny to get thrown out of a window. Yes. Even at my age, I will say, no, no, no, I want to do it. Jeff Ross always goes, oh, come on, come on. Don't let's get on. I'm like, no, no, I want to do it. You're the Tom Cruise of comedy where he does action that way. You will do comedy that way. Yeah, but he does it well.

And he does cool things. He does cool things. But I love to still, because I don't know, I was in a lot of brothers and I like to be tossed around. I like to smash through things. I'm very happy to do it. And then if I feel something give, I'll just keep doing it if I think people are laughing. And we used to have years on the show, it would always come out in animal segments because people would come and they would bring, I don't love...

You know, I get creeped out around snakes and I get creeped out around insects and spiders. They would bring them and I would I would say, oh, no, no, just put it on my forehead. And I would do it because audiences really liked it. And I knew, oh, in a single, this is funny. But in in real life, if there's no one there to laugh at it, I would be horrified and never do it. So what was the immediate reaction?

The immediate response to the being on was, I think my eyes were incredibly runny and my mouth really hurt. The thing that was the most interesting is that I, my wedding ring, some sauce, because I was rubbing my hands around in the sauce. Yeah, you were. You rubbed it on your nipples. And, um,

Some got, because you washed your hands right afterwards, but some of the sauce got underneath my wedding ring. David Hopping was driving me home and he was like, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm fine. But I noticed that my wedding ring was burning. Oh, symbolic. Well, it hasn't burned like that since they put it on me at the altar. Ah!

Take that, Liza. It was burning and burning. And then I took it off and I saw like, oh, right, there's acid underneath it. So, but the craziest thing about that is that the hot ones generated all these nice things that people were saying online and retrospective about, oh, I really like the thing Conan did in 98. I like the thing he did in 2004, which is all very sweet. But I had a bunch of friends who saw my name all over Twitter. And the first assumption is he's dead. Hmm.

So I did have people say, oh my God, I thought, finally. We can all talk now. Liza immediately got into another relationship. Yeah.

Immediately. She has a guy on deck. Yeah. For sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Can I also say, Jose was so funny as the doctor. Oh, my God. He really made me laugh a lot. So this is the story of that. Jose Arroyo is extremely talented comedy writer. And Jose's been a writer for me for years. And he's worked on travel shows and the show. And he's just, he's brilliant. Jose's brilliant. And I love him to death. Jose is,

Whenever we did a sketch where someone had to be in a white coat and be an authority figure, like a scientist or a doctor, Jose would play that. And so I, the day before, or maybe two days before Hot Ones, I thought, I don't think anyone's done this, but I want to show up with my physician, Dr. Arroyo. So I call Jose and I said, Jose, I'm going to go on this show, Hot Ones. He's like, yeah, I know Hot Ones. And I said, and I love Jose because he's just knows exactly when. And so I want to bring you on. He's like, yeah, yeah, you're a doctor. Uh-huh.

And I said, and I said, you know, we're not even doing a show. You know, Jose's not working for me technically right now. I said, uh, do you have a lab coat? And he went, uh, yeah, I have a medical coat. Yeah. And, um, he's not a doctor and he's like, and he's got a stethoscope because he knows. And if anyone wants to see him, one of the reasons I really wanted him to do that was because Jose, uh, we shot a segment, we did a travel show in Australia and we're on Bondi beach, which is, and there's that iconic shot, uh,

There's that famous lifeguard show that's from Bondi Beach. And so I wanted to train to be a lifeguard there. So we got an iconic shot of me running on the beach in slow motion, and then you widen out, and I'm running with my dermatologist.

in slow motion who's running alongside me. And it was Jose in full Doctor Arroyo regalia. So if you want to see a very funny clip, look up. It must be out there somewhere. The funniest line he had on the Hot Ones was... So many. You go like, what did you study? And he goes, in the 90s. In the 90s. Yeah, where did you... Where did you go to school? Yeah, where'd you go to school? In the 90s. Yeah, in 1998. Or when he checks your pulse and he just chokes you. Yeah, and he says, it's God. No, he is...

He is so funny and eternal thanks to Jose Arroyo. And also just another, he is brilliant across the board. He's a great writer, but he's also a really funny cartoonist. He's had cartoons in the New Yorkers a couple of times. I think one time I gave him an idea for a cartoon and he drew it up and submitted it.

under both our initials and it got in and I was like, I was delighted. Jose is a force. I just wanted to quickly ask, was there a moment at which you were like, this is a bad idea while you were doing it? No, I don't know. I got through a bunch of the wings and I thought I can, I can do this. And even if I can't do it, I'm going to do it. Does that make sense? Yeah. Like, yeah, you're in the zone because, because early on I'm, I'm, I'm taunting Sean and,

Oh, baby, think, you know. And so once you do that, there's only one way you can go. You can't stop after the fourth wing and then start talking about, you know, I'm really excited about my new project. Did I have to smash everything? Probably not.

Did I have to rant and have milk come out my mouth? Not sure. Yeah. But those are things that you do so that your children never look you in the eye again. Anyway, we should get into the show because we have a wonderful show. My guest today is a hilarious comedian. So funny she does not have to resort to such bullshittery. She hosts After Midnight weeknights on CBS. Her latest special, Have It All, is now streaming on Netflix. I am thrilled. ♪

She's here today. Taylor Tomlinson, welcome. I have a very clear memory of the first time I met you, which is...

You showed up on the tour. I don't remember which city it was, but they said, Taylor's here and she's not well. You were really sick with some bug. And I went back and you were about as sick as anyone I've ever seen. Right. You were quite ill. And I was like, oh my God, this poor woman. Physically and mentally. Physically and mentally. But we mean physically in this case. And they said you were fine before I walked in. And then, no, but you were really sick. And then I said, are you okay to do it? And you went, yep.

I'm fine. And then you went out and killed it. You were very young. I mean, you're still really young, especially...

Yeah, you are. What are you talking about? I'm 30. I feel like it's over. 30 is not like young anymore, is it? To me, it is you're an embryo. You are a frozen egg as far as I'm concerned. I just have to keep clearing milestones in order for people to think I'm young. They're like, you're young for like a late night host. I'm like, okay, that's true. I watched your first episode this morning on YouTube because you were 30, right? I had just turned 30.

Yeah, same. And you had the little calendar and it was September 1993. So six weeks before I was born. Oh, that's so crazy. Isn't that crazy? Well, see, I think that puts into context just how young you are. That my career, my show started six months before you were born. But I remembered you having...

I was really impressed with, I mean, obviously you had just amazing material, but you would march out there and you were at the time, 20, 21, it was a long time ago. I was 24, I think. Okay, 24. And I had done your show. You had done my show, but you marched out, killed it.

Walked off stage, was really sick. And I was very impressed. I said this to you in the hall and I said to myself, say that again on mic, but I want to congratulate you for like 15 things because you've just did your third Netflix special. You have a late night show. People have found you. You made this whole thing happen. I'm so happy for you.

I want to start on that like nice note and then we'll devolve into petty grievances. That's so nice. That's really lovely. But also you've, you're terrific. You're absolutely fantastic. And I was just, I don't know. I'm just, everything that's been happening for you, I just am watching now from the sidelines.

and just saying, oh my God, yes, go Taylor, go. This is totally deserved. This is the right, all the best things are happening to someone good and that doesn't always happen. Oh, that's really nice. We're going to cut all this out, right? No, no, yeah. I'm deeply uncomfortable with all these compliments. Oh, terrific. I don't even mean any of this. I'm practicing for someone I really like. Yeah.

We have real stars coming on later this week. This is sort of a warm-up for me. This is for one of the Wayans brothers. You know, I've just got this whole thing memorized. I don't even know which one.

It kind of can go with any wands. When you were doing your show, did you ever have episodes where you're like, oh, thank God, I'm not nervous to talk to this person at all. Like, however this goes, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's funny because I can talk shop with you, which I love. I mean, there's so many things to talk about. I loved the special that you just did for Netflix and thought there were so many, so many great jokes.

You had this thing that you said at one point, my brother is trans, my sister is gay, and I identify as afraid. And I thought... Well, you really watched it. Yeah. No, I was... You know, you started, you're like, it was great. It was so you. And I'm like, me, I don't watch it. Well, no, I...

I really identified with you tell a story in your special. I'm wary sometimes to not give away stuff, but you tell a story that's really funny about Hugh Jackman. And I was watching it and I was really laughing because you're talking about how he's like a surreal, ethereal creature, you know, not of this earth. And I have my own Hugh Jackman story, which is not part of a Netflix special. I pitched it many times. You'll get there. No. You'll get there. Don't worry. They said, I think the quote is, no appetite for Conan. What?

on the algorithm. But, um,

I mean, I've already given it away, but I was in a gym. I was in Atlanta on some job and in a hotel and I found out they had a gym and I'm like, I don't know, go, you know, I'm trying to take care of myself lately. I'm going to hit the gym. And I'm always inordinately proud of myself when I can hit the gym when I'm on the road or something. So I hit the gym and there's this machine where it sort of helps lift you up, but you're kind of using your body weight, but not all your body weight, you know, that one. And you're kind of going up and down and you're working your lats. And I'm like, I'm doing a really, and then I, in my peripheral vision,

became aware that someone was doing what I was doing, but twice as fast and without the assistance of the little hydraulic thing.

And I look over and I swear to God, it's Hugh Jackman. He's lifting his own body weight and he's got this perfect V-shaped torso and he is the handsomest man you'll ever see. And he turns to me and he recognizes me because he'd been on the show a couple of times. He's just like, hey, how are you? Conan, good to see you. But didn't even break his stride. And I had a little hydraulic thing going like, I'll help you. We are we.

And I just looked at his body and looked at mine. I think I called it quits. I think I tried to see if they would open the bar at 10 in the morning.

But I mean, I there's so many things in your special that I could relate to. And the thing that I love so much about your comedy is that you are so brutally honest, but it's always to a purpose. That's so nice. Yeah. Again, this will all come out. This is for Damon. That's for Damon Wayans.

That's so nice. That's really, really nice. But yeah, there's so much we can... I know. It's like hard to know where to start. I mean, I also have a lot of questions. Well, I would love you to ask questions because those are some of my favorite interviews because it's about me. Right. Oh.

And how do I feel about Conan? I love him. He's great. No, you don't. That's true. I have a lot of misgivings about Conan. You are a lovely name drop for me when people are like, yeah, I love Conan. And then I just put on sunglasses and start swirling wine. And I'm like, he's exactly what you want him to be. He's just a great guy. And they're like, you know Conan? I'm like,

We went on tour together. We went on tour together. We had some really good times. We did some, we did some times on a bus. You,

I don't know. It just felt to me like you arrived fully formed, completely like you had it all. It's not like, well, I saw you when that banana is still kind of green. It needs a little more time. Like, no, no, no. You were just ready to go. That's so nice. And what a great transition. Have it all streaming on Netflix. Had it all. Have it all. You'll probably lose it all.

Yeah, that's really, really nice. Yeah, I mean, obviously getting this late night gig, which is so different than your show because it's like a fake game show and it's, you know,

Like a reimagining of At Midnight. And there were a lot of people, because we did so much press after it was announced before we were actually doing the show. And so I did all these interviews where people weren't totally sure what it was. Or a lot of people online when it came out were like, we thought this was a talk show and CBS screwed Taylor Tomlinson. And I'm like, we were never doing a talk show, everybody. I tour on the weekends. I'm not going to do a show Monday through Friday. Okay.

but like it's funny because people keep saying like oh it's your show and I'm like it's really not like this is like if anything our show like it's such a great team of people and it's why I wanted to do the show because I wanted to like have these co-workers it was like yeah I'm like I want to have fun with all these people and make a new thing every day but like

They were asking me questions like, so when you designed the set, I'm like, I didn't design the set. When you're booking the show, I'm like, I don't book the show. They're like, well, when you hired the writers, I'm like, I didn't hire the writers and I want them to like me so bad. I'm like, I can't take credit for anything.

anything about this show. I don't dress myself. Like, I show up, someone does my hair and makeup, they put me in clothes. I'm like an American Girl doll. But they just kind of cart around. Like, I really, I'm like, everyone on that show, I think, probably has a harder job than I do. And also, like,

I don't know if you felt this way. I mean, you were using cue cards, right? Yep. Okay, we have a teleprompter. It's like a little computer and they type out. It's like a cue card, but it's a machine. Like a machine. You know, I never had a teleprompter, ever. Never? No, because we changed things too much at the last second. And so we always did cards. We change things in the teleprompter. It's easier to just type it in, right? Yeah. He says, they lied to me. Oh!

They said, well, that can't happen on a prompter. I think it was they just didn't want to buy one. It was NBC and then Turner. They just didn't want to buy a prompter. Yeah, because I still have my Conan cue card because they give it to you when you do a late night show, which was very nice. We want it back, by the way.

Those things aren't cheap. Well, now I know how hard it was. They're like, we got to cut a whole new one because you don't like that line. Every time we wrote a new joke, a tree fell in the forest somewhere. But when I started doing, when I did like the screen test and everything, and even when I started doing the show, everyone's like so impressed when you can read a teleprompter to a point where I was like, do people think I'm dumb? Like, I know I didn't finish college, but.

Like you didn't finish Harvard. You know what I mean? Right. But I studied telepromptering. Yeah. But,

But everyone was just like, it's really hard. Some people don't know how to read teleprompters. And I was like, OK, like I'll take any credit you'll give me. But this was again, I was like so nervous about it. I was practicing reading teleprompters on TikTok. Local news anchors will do like now for a teleprompter challenge. And so I was just reading like five car pile up on today's freeway, like put in a funny way. Pretend like it's the show and like, let's see how fast you can read it.

There's all these little things. And then there's the big thing. The thing that no one's thinking about is the advice you get. This is the biggest name drop of all time for my generation anyway. But just before I started, I got to meet Johnny Carson and he knew that I was going to be taking over the late night show. And he said, just be yourself. And I was like, OK. Then I did the show for a couple of months and no one liked it. Really?

I always pictured that Johnny Carson would call me and say, I didn't know that that was you. Have you tried being me? Maybe find someone else to be me. But

But I always realized that it's more complicated than just be yourself because it's just be yourself in the most artificial environment in the world, which is three, two, one, and Taylor, go. And it just took me a long time to realize, oh, this is the skill.

Because I need to figure out how can I just be this person that I am? I didn't want to be a fake person. I wanted to be a real person, but in a freakish environment. Yeah. Yeah, no, I definitely, I mean, I say to the live audience we have in studio sometimes, because I'll be like playing off the comedians we have on the show. And then I have to go to the next game.

which is me reading the teleprompter. And so we're like, oh, yeah, it's great. And then I go, all right, I have to go back into teleprompter again. And I know it's going to feel jarring to just be like, and yeah, totally. And we know each other in today's Internet news. And it just feels. But you're like, OK, just everyone I know, too. And it's going to cut together great.

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Honestly, the best thing Colbert said to me is before I think the week before we Stephen Colbert. This is Stephen Colbert. OK, because I can't call him Stephen. No, no. I just disrespectful. I only say I only say that because I don't feel people know him and the words not out. But Stephen Colbert. And he has the show that's on before Taylor. And it's it's it's fun. Anyway, go ahead. And shout out to Stephen. I know he's a huge he likes to just sit.

I think in a parking lot in his hometown and just listen to this podcast over and over again. He's hired. It was a hot tub. It's a hot tub. Yeah. He's had a hot tub in his car in a parking lot. Anyway, it's all very sad. But anyway, what did Stephen Colbert tell you? Stephen Colbert, um,

I remember we were at dinner the week before the show came on and he gave me a lot of great advice and he has the entire time. But one thing he said that was really helpful is he goes, you don't have to be as good as you think you have to be like right away. He's like, as a host of a late night show, like people are just happy to see you. Like people just want to hang out with you at night. Like you don't have to be hilarious every second. And I was like, oh, OK, great. Then I want to try. Like, that's awesome. Yeah.

I think that philosophy has really hurt Steven. I just want to say. Because every time I see his show, I think he's not even trying. And this needs to be better. And I've told him, we're friends. I tell him this all the time. But he's always saying, no, I don't have to try. It's okay. People are just happy to see me. And I'm like, no!

Raise the bar, man. Well, that's the other thing, too, is like he's like, for example, he was like, so you should go out before the show and like talk to the audience and like build some rapport and like, you know, ask if anyone has any questions. And I did that for the first couple of weeks. And I haven't said this to him, but I probably should. Like I told other people, I don't know if Stephen realizes he's much more famous than I am. So people.

have questions for Stephen before his show they're like oh thank God he's gonna talk to us and when I'm like does anyone have any questions they're like we know where the bathroom is we're good like can you just get on with it you know what you now made me really want to go and sit at the audience of Stephen's show and put my hand up and ask where the bathroom is I really want to do that

Because people in his audience come with questions for him specifically. And I go up and I'm like, anybody have anything? They're like, not really. And I was like, great. I was also going to ask, because you didn't go into dressing rooms before the show, right? I did. Oh, you did. Okay. Never came into mine. Did the show twice. Never said hi. But that's okay. I was a stand-up. No, I will tell you why. When it was women, I was told sometimes that my appearances were abrupt. And it almost looked like I was trying to catch them.

So I got a talking to. Remember, Sona, you talked to me. You were the one. Yeah, I was. I was like, stop just barging in there. With the men, you knock and then you come in and with the women, you kick the door open and go, what's going on? No, I wouldn't do it all the time, but I would. Sometimes I thought if there was a guest...

especially if there was a guest that I wasn't sure what the chemistry was going to be. I wanted to go in first and get a reading of like, what is art? And you can tell, you can go in. And if I had a difficult time, I remember going in and, well, I can say Lance Armstrong, years before his scandal, he was on the show and he was like the biggest

thing in cycling and one of the biggest figures in sports. And I was excited to have him on. I didn't know anything about him personally. And I went in to talk to him and he was very, just kind of felt like he had a chip on his shoulder and I couldn't connect. And I can connect with a burnt out light bulb if I have to. Like I can really connect if I, and I couldn't figure it out. Lance, I have chemistry with everyone. Yeah, I know. This is not on me. But I just, I said, yeah, your chemistry seems awful.

altered. But no, I left the room and, you know, my producer was eating a bowl of soup and went, what's going on? And I said, I said, Jeff, I don't know. I don't know about it with Lance Armstrong. And he's like, oh, I'm sure it'll be good. Slurp, slurp. And so then I, you know, we had the interview and I felt the same thing. Yeah. You know, it's not anyone would look at it now and go like, oh, it's fine. But I couldn't

I couldn't figure it out. And I like to go in sometimes, sometimes there were people who were really nervous, really nervous and sometimes surprising because extremely famous actors. I'm a huge, I mean, I love Joaquin Phoenix. I love him. I think he's a terrific actor. And I think he was, what a lot of people forget is that these people have a different skill.

Which is he's an amazing actor, but at that stage anyway, he would come on the show and it was, he didn't do a lot of talk shows. And I remember he was really nervous. Oh, wow. So I would go in and just talk to him and he would say, this is crazy. I can't do this. And I thought, what are you talking about? You're an iconic young actor.

They're gonna be so happy to see you, but it was not his process to go out and just shoot the shit with someone. So sometimes I would go in and just let them know, first of all, the stakes are really low. It's just you and me. I like to take care of people.

And we're going to have we're going to have a good time. Yeah. And that would help if we had a relationship prior to them coming out. Yeah. I'm horrified to find out you did go into everyone's dressing rooms except for mine. Not yours. So, I mean, it was an HR issue. Yeah, I only did it twice. It's fine. But third time is when I go in.

Tom Hanks came on many times. First two times I wouldn't go in. It was always, you gotta be, it's gotta be third time. But like, but like Kelly Clarkson doesn't go in. I mean, it doesn't go into mine. You know, I, now I don't know. Can I just say not to bum you out, but Kelly Clarkson walks in here all the time. Just walks in to check in on us. She stops by my house sometimes. No, no, I know. She's incredible. She inflated the tires on my, on my mountain bike. But,

But both times I did, I did her show twice and both times, like she just makes you feel so comfortable immediately on stage. So you're like, oh yeah, it was fine. And the same way you did. But like, yeah, I think everyone just has their own, you know, process. And so it's, it's been interesting, like in the first month that we're doing it, trying to find,

how it works best for me. Everyone's got their own way. Some people, I know Letterman never went in and talked to anybody. And I think he just wanted to keep it all fresh. But it's all what serves you. As you go through it, you're going to realize, I like this. This makes me comfortable. This I'm less comfortable with. And you can't judge it. You just have to make sure that that's what happens.

Yeah. So if something works for you and serves you, do that. Yeah. Well, it's also just interesting trying to conserve your energy in the right way and figuring out when you need to eat and when you need to be quiet. When you do a show...

What happens eventually, my wife used to say to me, you realize your job is the organizing principle of our family. Everything where we live in the world, in the United States, but also to this greater degree, if I know my show is going on at 530, I would know when I had to eat lunch. I would know I couldn't eat after a certain point because I didn't want to be digesting food while I'm trying to talk to another person.

One of the Wayans brothers. You don't want to be burping at Joaquin Phoenix? You're going to be great. Yeah. Sorry. Massive bologna sandwich. But and then I would be so if it was a good show.

My heart would be going like 180 beats a minute for the next couple of hours. And I would come home and, you know, my wife who has these two little kids would be like, we can't. You're like irradiated. Yeah. You just walked out of Chernobyl and you want to give everyone a hug. You need to just go into a different area. Yeah.

And I mean, you've seen me when I'm in this state. Oh, yeah. It's all the time after you do something. I do something. You're just always like, it's like you're amped up. I'm amped up. And so I'm talking a mile a minute. I've got all this energy. And my wife's trying to put the kids to bed. And I'm like, hey, kids. What?

What's going on? I'll kill you. I'll kill you. And the kids would suddenly be jumping around and I'd be like, that's good, good. Now you try. Come on, kids. The network's watching. She's pulling you out of their room with a cane. Yeah, exactly. A long cane.

But it didn't work. And I couldn't fall asleep till like one in the morning. And it just everything now, because it's been two and a half years since I ended my show, I can see. I can see it now. But at the time when you're in it, you can't. You just you know that this is what the job is and you do it. But it's only later on that you will see these things. Oh.

Well, and stand-up's the same way. I mean, like, you have a great show, you're done at 10 p.m., and then you're just buzzing until 3 in the morning. So it's actually been nice to finish by, like, 7 p.m., usually, like, 6 or 7, and be like, oh, I'll be, I'll come down by, like, 10 p.m., which is nice, unless I go do a set or something. We did shows, I don't know, about a year ago at The Beacon. Oh, yeah. And so it's the three of us doing a show for the podcast. It's still, it's like, it's The Beacon's packed, we're

We're doing a show, I go out and open it. What happened was we ended, the show ended late. And I remember when I came backstage and you say hi to a bunch of people who have come to see it, say hi to everybody, and then everyone drifts away.

And I was like, now we go, now we go out and we hit a, we go to dinner, you know, we get a drink and get some dinner. I'm already in bed. I know, me too. You're in bed in your Dickensian night suit. Yeah, a couple of them, a couple of them, layers. And Sona disappears. And so I'm just saying to my producer, what are we doing? And he went, I ate. And he's had his soup with him. You know, I gotta go.

And he was like, hey, I don't know. I think everything's closed. Anyway, see you tomorrow for the next show. In New York City, everything's closed. Everyone took off. No, but seriously, I went around and I was showing up at restaurants. Yeah. But now it's after 11. Everything's closed. Yeah. And I was like, no, no, no. I need to go someplace. Make the waiter laugh. Yeah. Against his will. I need to like, hey, there's the chef. Hey, chef. What?

Look at this bit I thought of, you know, I got to. And there was no place to go. I imagine you doing one of those little routines with the broom on the bare stage in the spotlight. Yeah. No, I was losing my mind. And I was like, it's New York City. Sinatra said it's the city that never sleeps. He didn't then go except after 11. Sinatra and Trump towards the end. He did in the end. He sounds like Trump.

You be a grand new Donovan. New York, New York.

But anyway, that was, I had nowhere to put all that energy. And then finally, I think we made a place down at Lincoln. I'm Columbus Circle. I like, I made a place open up. You made a place open? No, no, I think they were closing and I was like, come on! And they said, okay. And I went, hey, have you heard of this one? They all just want to go home to their family. We're trying to put our children to sleep. This is a residence. Yes. This is not a restaurant. Well, it's a restaurant now, fucker!

And in New York, that's not, you know, they're used to seeing famous people. So they're like, oh, man, God damn it, Conan. If you got to go back on the road, because if you do that in like, you know, Birmingham, Alabama, they're like, yeah, we'll stay open all night. This is the greatest thing that's ever happened. Conan O'Brien's here. Remember when we were on tour once? This is the other tour. Oh, the Can't Stop one. I can't. We got to the hotel and the bar was closed and I made them open. Yeah. I was like, it can't be closed. I just performed for thousands of people.

For three solid hours. I killed. I killed. And they were like, we don't fucking care if you killed. I killed. I killed, I tell you. Those were big laughs. Cut to the bar opening up. Yeah, they were really nice, though. They were very nice. They were cool about it. But yeah, you kept a few places open. Yeah, it's called alcoholism. My point is...

I mean, I love that documentary, but I'm also a workaholic. When you say you're a workaholic, let's unpack that for a second. I didn't know we were going to. I wish I hadn't said it. No, but I'm just curious. It was sort of just a light thing I said. A light thing? No, I'm kidding. Let's get into it. But you really like to work. Yes.

And that is, to me, one of the hacks in life or one of the tricks is you take something about yourself that could be a problem, but if you can tame it and use it in just the right amount, it's fantastic. Yeah. And so I like to work. Yeah. And there's so many different types of ways to work. Yeah.

in entertainment. So anytime you're like, oh, I have time off, you're like, am I going to go right over here in this place? Like, that's what's so fun to me is like I had last weekend off and I was like, oh, hell yeah, I finally have some time off from the show. I'm going to go write stand up for four hours at a coffee shop. And that felt like rest to me, which it's not. It's still work. I know someone is looking at me like I'm crazy. No, no, it's just...

That's not who I am. Yeah. Sona's like, do they have croissants? No. The ones with chocolate? Oh.

Well, like not being productive isn't restful for me. Yeah. No. I think is what it is. So you're like, well, why would I, why would I do nothing when I'm not going to enjoy it fully? Like I got right after I got the, the after midnight job, I got mono and I was sick for like two months and I had to like film the special in the first two weeks. But then once the special was filmed, I had like,

a few weeks where I was just doing nothing and me and my writing partner like finished a script in that time because I was like I have three good hours in the middle of the day and we can get on zoom so I'll wake up at noon and then we can hop on from like one to three and then I go back to bed at four and we got a lot done and it was really yeah and it's awesome and I felt great about it but if I'd just been laying there healing

Sucks. Just got closer to death. Nothing to show for it. You just totally insulted your own immune system. Your immune system's like, wait a minute, what? Whatever. Everybody's like, you know, some people get over it in like three weeks. I'm like, yeah, if they stay down, I guess. But I had stuff to do. Yeah. If you drink liquids...

I haven't had a liquid in six months. And then there's this myth of, hey, chill. Yeah. Don't work. Chill. And I don't know. I've never been able to chill. I don't know how to chill. I have terrible news. It's not a myth. It works for some people. Does it really? It really does. I've seen it happen. You've seen people actually chill? Yeah. I've seen people spend a whole day reading and I'm like, what? You're sitting with the two chill chumps. We're real chill, both of us. I think

you're chill too. I'm suspicious of you. I'm suspicious of you, Matt. I'm half and half. I need to work for a few hours to feel like I've earned it. But then once I've done that, I feel like, oh, I've earned this. I can chill. But I think the exception is Sona, who does not need to work hard to earn it. It's actually, you know what? You're saying that in a way where you feel like, I feel like you're trying to insult me. No, I'm describing you to the police. That's an accurate description. I know when

you say you do a show all week and then you do stand up. It just boggles my mind. I mean, it's amazing how much stamina that is. Yeah. Doing Largo is different than like traveling somewhere, you know, like Largo is like, oh, this is so nice and relaxing. It's great. Oh, my God. Yeah. I was talking to a

Flanagan about you actually because he was saying he's like you never know what's gonna happen with the show he's like I bought this place when I was 30 and I thought maybe I'd only do it for five years and here we are 30 years later he's like Conan told me he thought he was gonna be out of the business you know in a few years and I was like okay he's like yeah so you never know and we'll see and yeah I mean Flanagan has no right talking about me that was rude yeah I mean

I mean, don't you think? That's rude. That's sort of, yeah. No. And that's what I said. Do you even know Conan? Yeah, he does not. I don't know any Flanny. Flanny is this... He runs Largo, which is really one of the best live venues in Los Angeles. And I only say that because this podcast goes out to other realms, but it is...

every comedian's favorite room to be in. Sometimes it can almost give you a deceptive read because you can go to Largo and sometimes I feel like, you know, you can read out of the phone book and you'll get some really solid laughs and you'll think, this phone book thing's killer. Yeah.

I'm taking this out on the road and then you get killed. Yeah. Well, that's the problem with once people come to see you on purpose, you're like, is this, do you really like it? So you have to kind of adjust your expectations. See you on purpose. I love that. Oh, I was, people were tricked into watching me do stand up for years. They're like, we came for chicken fingers and a male comedian. We had no idea. We were just finishing a day at the mall. Yeah.

How dare you bamboozle us, funny bone. There were so many times I said to my wife, let's go out for chicken fingers and a male comedian. And then, you know, Laurie Kilmartin would come out and I'd go, what the fuck? What's a lady doing up there? This doesn't taste like chicken.

And I was like a child on top of it. So, look, I saw the disappointment on people's faces. I came from an era where when I debuted in 1993, there's no internet. There's, you know, there's no streaming. There's maybe, yeah, there's four networks. There's no teleprompters. Yeah, there's no teleprompters. They were steam powered. They weren't good. They exploded all the time. There's someone on a

bike peddling it. Welcome to the show. I have speeded up there, Myron. I'm trying. Shoveling coal into. But there was a solid, I don't know, I want to say two, three years there where it was on and there wasn't much else to do at 1230 at night. So today there's a billion things you can watch. And it's

I was part of this era where people would come up to me on the street and say, you know, didn't want to watch you. They wouldn't say that exactly, but it was clear that was not the plan. I didn't want to do that, but I can develop this rash. They gave me a medication and the cream has to be applied. And so I had to get up at 1230 and reapply the cream. I turned on the TV and you're there. Yeah.

I didn't like it. But after nine days and nine cream applyings, I was like, you know what? He's got something. And I thought, oh, my God. I mean, I literally so many new moms with newborns would say to me, this is back in the early 90s.

you know, I'm a huge fan. I would have to get up and breastfeed. And you were on, you know, I watched it for four solid weeks and you didn't, I didn't get it, but now I love you. And I would think that wouldn't happen today. No. You're not, America was forced to put up with my shit. For a,

A number of years they had no choice. And then they were like, all right, I guess the hair can stay. America was like, this is the guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, there's. Yeah. One of the advantages of this new world and so many new opportunities is that.

We're getting to hear voices we wouldn't have heard in an old system where they just... Because they never would have given me a chance is what you're saying. They would not have. I mean, they weren't... Let's be honest. They were not like, okay, there's a long line of...

you know, women doing comedy, they're obviously great pioneers and everything, but it was... No, women weren't funny until Bridesmaids came out. Like, on the record. Yeah. That was when it all changed over. But everyone before that, garbage. Lucille Ball, just dreadful. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. Not the best. Carol Burnett, I mean, I've done the work. I've gone and looked. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, and even now, I mean, again, I did all these interviews and every interview was like, what is it like to be the only woman in late night? And I was like, oh, shit, is this going to be a big deal? This feels like a lot of pressure. Like we're doing a silly, funny, goofy game show. For years, it was how young I was. Like, you know what I mean? And they still like list my age in most things. And, you know, I'll probably hate that.

in a few years I'll go oh there's a paper trail yeah guess we can't lie but yeah I mean it's it's kind of similar to how I felt about that where I was like is everything going to be about how young I am because everyone's kind of saying it in a surprised way like even because even though you're this you've still got this thing and I was I was the first asexual host and I thought that was a huge barrier

You know, people were like, we're not sure. They didn't know what you were. They weren't sure. Oh, okay, okay. And often I wasn't sure. You weren't sure. You can see it on the air sometimes. You know, there I am talking to Sir Richard Harris and I sort of pucker my lips and try to kiss him. Oh, okay. I was just confused. I thought they were hiring the first female. They did. He did a bait and switch.

I am a man. Take a look. I drop my pants. Still confusion. That's the big reveal. I'm a man. Can we get more light in here? Fuck you. Well, I, for one, I'm so glad Bridesmaids came out because it has enabled you now. Exactly. To be the way. Yeah, exactly. I who did you I'm just curious just before we because I want to wrap things up, but

I don't want to wrap these up. Let me make sure I don't have any more questions for you. I don't think I had everything. I was born in 1993. Jesus. Yeah. Wait a minute. You're going through a long list and you got them all? You do your thing. Who did you see when you were interested in comedy and young and you saw them and you thought, okay, that...

that's who I want to be or that person gives me the confidence to think I could do it. Oh, gosh. I mean, I don't know because I felt like, I guess just every female comic that made it was like, honestly, again, not to do the gender thing, but like it did help. Like Kathleen Madigan, Maria Bamford, like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, like Amy Schumer getting so huge. Like it's, I think everybody who makes it and is,

is so successful in this business makes you feel like oh I could do that maybe you know like if everybody's cool with is everyone thinks women are funny finally you know it's so funny to think that that was a conversation for so many years when I was a kid because now we joke about it because it's like not I don't think anybody's on that anymore I'm

But when we were kids it really was like I don't know I hate female cop and people did say that to me in my early 20s like again coming to see me at funny bones or whatever they'd go I hate female comics, but you were good like there was a lot of that Okay, that's unbelievable. Yeah, I mean it's absolutely I shouldn't say that it's completely believable Given that time, but it's unbelievable to contemplate now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, um

Taylor, I really am so happy for you. And you are uniquely gifted and a really good person. And I think right now there are so many young people watching you saying, I want to be Taylor Tomlinson. And it's your job to destroy them. Yeah.

so they don't take that from you. But seriously, thanks so much for being here. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I asked you for so much advice. You think you're asking the wrong person. But sure, go ahead. I can't text Colbert anymore. I'm bothering him. No, he's been great. He's so nice. He's a very nice man. He's so nice. I just think he should try harder. Ha ha!

It's really... Well, he's got the same... Again, we're wrapping up. I'm sorry. We can see this off air if you want. No, no, let's see it on the air. I mean, it's very intimidating to spend time with him and you and go, ooh, they both have that thing that I just don't have. I don't have the, like, always on, like, very charismatic, very social... Like, I don't have that thing that you two both have that's so impressive to me. But a lot of...

My favorite people, many of my favorite comedians don't do that. They're on, they do their thing, and then they're quiet and reserved. Yeah. Or they're a bit of an introvert. A lot of my favorite comedians are introverts. Yeah. Yeah.

Stephen and I, there's just something wrong with us. Uh, but it's so like, it's amazing to watch. Like you're like machines. Like you're just, I'm like, you're just funny all the time. Like I gotta go. Well, no, they'll tell you. No, it's not a neediness. It comes from a, and God gave me a gift and I must pass it on. Um, yeah, it's in the Bible. No, no, no, no, no, no. A prophet spreading the good word. Anyway. Uh, um,

I don't think there's just many different. There are many, many, many ways that people get here. And a lot of my favorite comics are not like that. So don't be looking around. Don't compare your Taylor Tomlinson. They can fuck it. You know, that's very nice. I'm going to clip that out and just listen to it in the morning as an affirmation. Yeah. Every morning they can fuck it. They can fuck it.

That was great. Do you mean they can fuck off? Yeah, they can fuck off. I like it that way. I like fuck it. If I said fuck off, that's what everyone says. My trick is to change it a little bit. They can fuck it. Now it's got us talking, and you know what? That's going to be a t-shirt. You're Taylor Thomas wondering what it is. You said it with so much gravitas. I was like, yeah, they can fuck it? What do you mean? I said it like Walter Cronkite on his last broadcast. That got by me. I thought it was...

I'm Walter Cronkite and you can fuck it. That's going to be a t-shirt. You're going to see that t-shirt. I felt like that was inspiring. I wouldn't have even caught that. No, we both. I thought it was funny too, because I was like, well, I wanted it first too, but then yeah, like everything, you got to run it through twice with this guy. A lot of great poets. It's the little things they change.

Anyway, go with God and they can fuck it. And they can fuck it. And congrats. Congratulations on everything. I'm so happy for you. Thank you. Vitamin Water was born in New York because New Yorkers wanted more flavor to pair with all the amazing food in the city. Vitamin Water is so New York, its three favorite cheeses are chopped cheese, bacon, egg, and cheese, and a slice of cheese pizza. Drink Vitamin Water. It's from New York.

Okay, you say, I want some breakfast. Your so-called boyfriend says, we got eggs in the fridge. Obviously, when you say breakfast, you mean McDonald's. Definitely a side-eye situation. Bring home the bacon, steak patty, or others with a BOGO for $1 breakfast. Only in the app. Limited time only at participating McDonald's. Valid once a day. Must opt into rewards. Visit McDApp for details. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

Hi, this is Matt. And this is Sona. We're leaving the studio right now. And as you can tell by the... Is that a Ferrari or a Lamborghini? I don't know. You're asking the wrong person. It's orange.

We were requested by Conan and Adam to do our own little segment as we were walking to our car. What do you want to talk about? Well, let's talk about how I thought... So, first of all, my car's been here for days, and I don't even know if it's going to be there when I get there. But I thought I had forgotten my keys, so you very graciously were going to give me a ride home, which is nice. And now we're doing, like...

It's almost very mall walking, I was saying. Yeah, and I'm a little disappointed I don't get to give you a ride home because, you know, sona time is good time. Oh, that's really nice. I know. You know, I like mad time. I don't know.

I don't know why things are just so much more pleasant when Conan's not around. What could it be? I feel lighter than air right now. Me too. I feel like we're having a good time. We're being nice to each other. This is nice. And there's a really big element that's missing, but I don't miss it. I know. And also the fact that this segment is going to end with the reveal of whether or not your car is there or not, because it's Monday and your car's been in the CVS parking lot since yesterday.

Friday? Thursday. Since Thursday, yeah. I can't imagine it's still there, Sona. I may end up giving you a ride. Yeah, you know what? If it's cool, would you walk with me? No, you had your chance.

Of course I will. Okay, that's cool. Because I don't know what I'm going to do if it's not there. I haven't gotten my car towed in years. And so I forgot who I would call and how I would find it. So I don't know. I mean, we'll see. We'll find out. You were telling me you used to get your car towed quite a bit, right? I've gotten my car towed like three times. And the first time is like, you're like, oh my God, did it get stolen? And by the third time, you're like, oh, what did I do? What did I do this time? That makes sense. Yeah, it is interesting.

Because anytime you do get it towed, you are the person who's responsible. Is this where yours is? Because the gate's closed. No, mine's back there. Oh, okay. What if my car is gone? That's the twist. Yes, I would love that. I wouldn't love it because you have to get home, but that would be a fun twist. Also, we're walking in the middle of the street talking into a phone. You're not embarrassed, right? I am. Are you really? Yeah, I am. Why am I embarrassed? And you're not.

I don't know, it just feels like I would think people would think we're talking to the same person on the phone. Oh! Like we've called someone we-- a mutual friend. So every time someone walks by, I'm just gonna be like, "Yeah, John?" "Yeah, John?" I guess I'm used to mall walking too, where you walk around with a microphone and-- I know, that's true. Um, do I get a snack on the way home? Yeah, here's a half-eaten turkey stick. Yeah, you got-- you got a meat stick in your hand.

We could talk about the snacks at Team Coco because when you finish recording a session and even before, you and I are often kind of meeting up at the snack basket or whatever. I hate to admit this, Matt. I don't know if you do this. I plan my day around the snacks I'm going to eat at the office. Meaning you won't eat a meal if you know you're coming in? Yeah, meaning I'll be like, oh, I know I'm going to shove my face full of like, you know, popcorn from the office. So I'm just not going to eat too much popcorn.

for breakfast. Hey, John. Hey, John. It's so good to talk to you, John. I almost look like I have no money and no resources because every time I leave Team Coco, it's with a handful of chips and tin cans and all this food. You have a LaCroix in your hand and a meat stick. Hey, John, you won't believe who I'm walking with. We miss you, John. Come visit us soon. It's so nice out here. What celebrity could we imagine John is?

What do you mean? Like a celebrity named John. Who's the biggest John? John Krasinski? John Tesh? John Tesh? Is it John? Wait, is it John Tesh? It's not. That is, isn't it? It is. Why did I think his name was Bill Tesh?

Hey, Bill, who's the biggest John? John. John. Oh, there's, it's a Lamborghini. What? It's a Lamborghini. That's the one. I'm glad we closed the loop on whether that was a Lamborghini or a Ferrari. Okay, we're going in. I'm also halfway through a mouthful of turkey stick. We're going downstairs. Where are you taking me? When you eat a beef stick, let's say that was the beef version. Do you ever say you're getting a hot beef injection? Every time.

And this is a turkey stick, so I say I'm getting a hot gobbler. I'm sorry. I'm still stuck on thinking John Tesh's name was Bill Tesh. I'm just really excited I had my keys because I thought I was going to inconvenience you right now. Yeah. Oh, no. What's the matter? You weren't recording? No, I think I'm still recording. We'll find out at the end. No, it's still rolling. There he is! And your car's still here! Yes! Wow. I'll drive you to your car. Oh, you don't have to do that. No, yeah.

Okay, well... We can go all the way here and then we can record a little longer. Keep this segment going, huh? Give the people what they want to hear? They're like, hey, you know what? Wait, wait, I have the phone and you're far away. Hold on. I was going to say, I bet people always wonder, like, what's it like when it's just Sona and Matt? And now you know. And maybe... Yeah. Maybe they're like, oh, we're good. Yeah.

Maybe, but I can at least describe the interior of Sona's car and it's got Tac's mahogany like fisting block. Don't say, it's not a fisting, it's not a fisting block. It's a fisting, if that's, if I'm eating a hot beef injection, this is a mahogany fisting block.

It's he punches it to condition his hands. Because, you know, if you don't punch it, then your hands are weak. What's this? It's a rolling pin, but he does something with that too. It's just a wooden oak dowel. Yeah, he like, yes, I think he hits his legs with it or something. No, I think he's in a child's musical band. When he says he has a gig, he's going to a preschool. Ha ha ha!

I'm so glad my car's here. I'm so glad I have my keys. What do you got planned for the rest of the day? Um, I'm gonna get fucked up. I already am, baby. You can actually drop me off right here because that's my orange Lamborghini. Oh, is it? Okay. But you weren't sure if it was a Lamborghini or a Ferrari?

I just said give me something fast and expensive. You're such a Lamborghini guy. I should have waited for those people to cross the street. I'm the Lamborghini guy. Do you think you're a Lamborghini person? I know I'm not. I think I'm a Corvette person. What? Really? Yeah, I would do it. I would fuck a Corvette. Up? I would just fuck it. Oh, you are getting fucked up today. Oh my God. What is partying going on? No wonder...

Oh my God. That's where I am right there. You can pull over right here. I'm going to do a you-y-do-y. Full service? Yeah. I'm not going to take you to your car, but I'm going to get you close to it. Because you know what? You're really nice enough to almost drive me to my car. Thank you. My car's pissed at you. Okay, I'm going to put these wooden child instruments down and I'll say my goodbye. Thank you, Sona. Love you, girls. Love you. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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