Summer S’mores with Conan and the Chill Chums Season 4 Episode 4
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Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chums. A six-part series with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Let's get started. Episode 4, Summer S'mores, Altadena, and the Chill Chums.

It's hot dog time. All right. We're going to roast some weenies, I think they're called. Yeah. These are, by the way, handsome roasting tongs. What are they called? Spears? Tines? Skewers? Skewers. Yeah, skewer. That's the word. Here, take this guy. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Roasting some hot dogs here, and we're roasting them over. I've never roasted a hot dog over a fire.

You haven't? No. And you don't get a real Christmas tree? Okay. She's roasted fake hot dogs. Now, the principle, correct me if I'm wrong, a hot dog is already cooked, right? Right. So this is all, is it just aesthetic or is it for flavor? That's a good question. I guess it's just for flavor. Why is this fun for people who are listening?

Sona, you clearly don't understand what podcasts are all about. My life has been podcasting. Oh, okay. And I think people love hearing us have experiences. I think they like having a glimpse at the real life of us getting real, you know? Is this us getting real?

getting real? Yeah, we're getting real. What about, what's that? SSR? What is it when noises? ASMR. ASMR. I was thinking of a supersonic jet. Yes. People may like hearing us eat a hot dog. I don't think. Might be essential experience. I don't think very many people like hearing others eat stuff. No, not on my. I think they like, you know, I watched a video today of someone with long nails touching like some food. Here. Like mukbang? Yeah.

I'm going to toast my bun a bit. Why are you laughing so hard? Tanisha, what did I say? Because it was so random? Because I took a long time to just think of the word food? That's dumb. Are you guys done already? I'm trying to cook my... I have now put the whole hot dog and bun... It's going to catch fire. Will it? I just want it to toast up a bit. I'm with you. I like a toasty bun. I'm with you. I want to toast my bun. I think what I'm doing is kind of actually innovative. Let me explain. At home, I think I've taken the two...

prongs of the skewer and I wedged the hot dog in between. Yes! The hot dog fell right out. Couldn't have timed it better. Please explain what happened, sir. The hot dog slipped right into the flames.

As I was congratulating myself. Oh my God. That was amazing. And you know what my favorite thing is? My favorite thing is for things to go awry as someone is congratulating themselves. Yeah. It's the best. Oh, and look. The rest of the bun just fell apart. Oh my God. Do you want condiments? Yeah, I do. I'm just going to toast up the last...

What's left of my bun. Just going to toast that up. Oh, God. I love a hot dog. I could try again. Do you guys like hot dogs? You know what I like? Those street dogs that you can get when you're coming out of a bar or a club and they're out there with the... Oh, yeah. Eduardo's nodding. He gets it. What's a street dog? I don't know what that is. They're out there. They have onions. They're out there. They're out there. This is...

This is nice. Now, I'm going to get a little sentimental here. Oh. But what year were we in your backyard, Gorley? Was that last year or two years ago? Two years ago. Right? Yeah. And that was nice. And now we're in Sona's backyard, which makes me think we'll be in my backyard someday. Will you let us go there? Well, I'll have to clear it with security in the area. Yeah.

We're going to have to zoom in. Whatever. I'll take care of it. This is so hard. I'll have to make calls because I have some pretty big deal names live in my neighborhood. And so they can't, you know, if you guys just drove in without clearance, that would be a whole disaster. You know what I mean? Would it? Yeah. I got to make sure that Joseph Gordon-Levitt's cool with you guys being in the neighborhood. You know. Chad Michael Murray. Chad Michael Murray. Chad Michael Murray.

Saul Esposito. I guess got to make sure that everybody knows that you're coming. He's more of a sound technician, but very well known. Do you need these? The ketchup and the mustard? Just a little mustard, please. Oh, you want me to put it on there? Ah, fuck. Jesus. It's like you guys have never handled food before. This is hard to do it this way. You're such a train wreck with everything. Oh.

My God. No, no, just in life. I didn't mean it that personally. I meant just every time you try to do anything, it's just a big mess and it's awful.

Oh, my God. Right there. That's good. Thank you. Thanks, Gertz. You want some ketchup? No, no, no. You don't do ketchup on a hot dog, that's for sure. Not on my watch. What? No. No ketchup on a hot dog. What? That's crazy. That goes against the German tradition. Why are you guys nodding? That's not right. It is right. That's not normal. Hot dogs aren't German. You're thinking like bratwurst. Hot dogs are American. You put ketchup on hot dogs in America, you commie. USA! USA! USA!

I don't think we're in the USA right now.

I think we left the American, the borders of the United States about four hours ago. I do love it here. And I'm going to learn. I'm going to make it my mission to learn more about this place they call Altadena, this magical land. It's lovely out here. What are you going to learn about? Like the history and stuff? Yeah. And just like when, when are you going to get a postal service? That kind of stuff. I'm just curious. At some point, it's the government has to provide postal service here. It's what you pay taxes for. Do you pay taxes? How does it work here? Do I pay taxes? Yeah.

out yeah okay all right i just didn't know it so i mean we're really out here but you you should look into it because you have a right you have a right as a citizen to have a like a postal truck why are you laughing maybe i'm close and you're far maybe you're far oh for god's you're maybe you're far no no i can roll on i'm close no no i can lean out my window and eat some of the best sushi in town um

You just admitted pretty much that the only grocery store in Altadena closed three years ago. And you guys have to get... You have to portage a canoe to go and get basic goods. I did forget. I just told you that. I actually did tell you that. What's the name of the... Is it Baja what? Baja Ranch Market, which was the closest...

market to us closed. Well, really the only market. You can drive far and go to another market. Yes, many people can say that. You can be anywhere on the continent and say you can drive far and there will be a market. So your defense of Altadena is crumbling left and right. I'm

What I'm trying to do is I am your advocate. I am telling you that you have the right to postal service. You should have a working phone. You should have irrigation. Awful. Those are things that you should have. You're entitled to them. You don't think we have irrigation up here? Well, what's that thing going on down the road? When we were driving up the road to get here, we passed over something that looked like an abandoned gully. What's that? What's going on there? I don't know. I think that's just a reservoir. No, it's not a reservoir because reservoirs have water in them.

This looks like, does anyone know what I'm talking about? On the way up here. Are you talking about the Arroyo? I'm seeing a lot of nodding. On the way up here, we, David, David, would you get to a microphone, please? Do you remember when I commented on it as we passed in that tiny car that you call a car? Yeah, but I risked my life in writing with you, Sid. Okay.

Okay. David, what did we see on the way up here just before we got to Sona's house? Yeah. What was it? Describe it. I don't know what it was. It was like a big... Remember in... If you watch Parks and Rec, whenever they fall down into that thing, it was like that. It looks like you're going to be walking and you're just going to fall into this...

You're just going to go down, down, down. I love your generation. If you need to describe something, you name a random TV show and say, remember that thing in that TV show? It's like that thing. This is the guy that was talking about Jack Lord's hair from Hawaii Five-0. Well, using specifics. I want it to look like Jack Lord. Specifics. I didn't say, you know that thing that was in that show with the thing? Why do you act like you had a choice about what your hair would look like? I don't think I cooked this hot dog enough.

The center just doesn't taste right. Are there more hot dogs? And you know, it's important. We're not doing ads for the hot dogs, right? No. This is just to create ambiance. I don't like these hot dogs. Oh, no. This one's kind of weak ass. These are L.L. Bean hot dogs. Yeah. Who got the hot dogs? Oh, no. No, no. Who got the hot dogs? Did you get these from the closed Baja Fresh supermarket? No.

Because you know what? When they close the supermarket, sometimes they don't throw out all the food. And I have a suspicion that Chalemi broke into a window and went into the long, unrefrigerated, refrigerated section and took hot dogs from the Eisenhower administration. That one looks less. Is that what they always look like? No, this looks different. What happened? Did you change the wieners on us? The first three were microwaved a little bit just to get a pre-cook going. Where were they microwaved?

I have a microwave. Oh, Rao cooked them in the kitchen. He did something. He cooked them in the kitchen. You know what I love? They said we microwaved them in Sona's kitchen and Sona just said, I don't have a microwave. That means that Rao put them in a shoebox, waited 30 seconds, and then took them out of the shoebox. But these are not. These are just straight from the package. I would just cook them more. No, I can't eat another one. Are these like...

Really good grade A hot dogs? This is the real deal. This is like a ballpark. I think you need another wood. These are the real deal. It's real deal hot dogs. You just want to make sure it's cooked all the way through. Really? Why? Could I get sick? No, you're fine. I mean, they're cooked. Hot dogs are cooked already. Yeah, that's what I thought. This doesn't taste right on the inside. But you're still eating them. There's a piece of jewelry in this.

I love that you're complaining about it, but you're still eating it. That's the fun of a hot dog. I grew up in the Depression, meaning my mom was depressed. Everyone's laughing at that. That's terrible. It was bad at the time, but it's funny now. You need more on that, don't you? I don't know. You did it so quickly. I was roasting for a while. I like it the way I like it. You're like a raw wiener. I think we have to go back to what did Rao think he was doing...

When he put the hot dog in a box in your house and waited. How do you reheat things in your house? We put them in the toaster oven. Oh, so that's what he did. But you got to put them in there for a while. He was in there for a while. It's not like you zap it for like a minute. He was in there for a while. Why don't you guys have a microwave? But these, the ones I just gave you right here are not reheated. We don't do microwaves. Microwaves are not good. Wait, do you think microwaves are unhealthy? I think.

they don't taste good when you reheat stuff with microwaves. They get mushy. I mean, what's worse than a mushy pizza that you reheat in a microwave? You can't put a pizza in the microwave, that's true, but there are many things you can put in a microwave. You could also just reheat it normally and it takes like a minute longer. Okay.

Okay. I guess you win this argument. I do, because you had no response. Yeah, I guess so. One point for Sona. I won that one. Yeah. Take that one point and put it in that big empty jar of points. Big empty jar of points? Yeah. So the jar has a lot of points in it. No. Because you said it has a jar of points. Yeah. How is it empty if it's got a whole jar of points? It's got two. Win that one again. Put another one in my jar. Cool.

Clang. Echo, echo, echo, echo, echo, echo. I go thunk. That's three points you got in there. All the noise. I'm leaving. There's no more noise because it just goes thunk and it hits all the other points that I have because all I do is win, win, win, no matter what. I have aqueducts. I have points that are just in aqueducts.

and there's runoffs and channels, and points are just flowing everywhere. Your points never count because you give yourself points, and those aren't real points, but the world gives me points. Society gives me points. No, society's giving you. Everybody here gave me those points. They didn't give you any points. I didn't see any point transaction. I have just waterfalls. There's an electric plant that's completely powered

turbines are turning because my points are shooting through it all the time. All of Altadena is built with my points. This entire city didn't exist before I moved. Talk about building a castle upon sand. I mean, this is biblical. If Altadena is built on your points, everyone should flee this jurisdiction immediately. Yeah.

Everyone's living comfortably. That's a terrible place to live. My neighbors are here. They live comfortably. I live comfortably. You know, you won't get home insurance the minute they find out your house is built on your points. I have so many points. You've got no points. You're so jealous. You've got nothing. I win all the time. Sometimes I'm just like, I'm so tired of winning all the time. You can see my points from space. How do I lose? If you're in an orbiter, you can see my points from space. And they're often mistaken for the city of Las Vegas. No.

Because they're so bright and so shiny and so masked. You know what? I just talked to an astronaut and they're like, those aren't real points. But Sona's points are real points. My points are real points. Your points are fake points you give yourself. It's like when you say something that you think it's a joke and you're like, that was real funny because no one laughed. And then you're like, that was real funny. When I say something's really funny, I'm a professional.

That means that's like 11 points right there. No, I think you're just sad because nobody's laughing and you're like, I'm just going to make myself feel better. I've never said something and not heard laughter and I don't know what that would sound like. You know what I mean? If I ever say something and there's no laughter, I would probably kill myself immediately. That's how used to laughter I am. I'm so used to laughter that the absence of it would probably cause my heart to liquefy and then explode. I have not laughed so many times. I not laugh. When I not laugh, I get more points. When I not laugh...

Listen, Hulk, it's Hulk. I like you, Hulk. You're good. Hulk good. But Hulk wrong about points. Conan right about points. Hulk wrong. That's a nice sweater you're wearing. I'm going to change the subject just for a second. Points, points, points. Did you know? Points, points, points.

That was so many points. But that's very nice. Gorley left a long time ago. Nobody even noticed because we were having this stupid argument. Well, Gorley took a break. Okay. Wait, my sweater? You were complimenting me. Yeah, I was saying it looks nice. We're outside. It's getting a little chilly. Yeah. It would be chillier except we're being warmed by this solo stove, which is very nice. Solo stove. And also these lights. They have these bank lights here. Be careful.

because we're also being filmed. It looks a little like when there's a crime scene and they're investigating it at night. You know the way they put those big lights up? I know! So that the guys can sort of do the forensics during the nighttime. Did you have a little stroll there? Yeah, I went home and took a nap and dreamt I was happy. Oh, and how'd that go? Well...

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Some trips are better in an Airbnb. It's just true. Like the trip you want to take with extended family where you want to stay close, but not all be sharing one bathroom. That's key for me. Okay, that's why Airbnb is the choice I often want to make. Or for example, the couple's getaway where you'd rather have your own pool than share one with a bunch of strangers. Ugh. Oh, when I'm in a pool with strangers, I start shrieking. Oh.

Okay, that's weird. Or that last minute local getaway when you just really need to get out of the city for the weekend but don't want to deal with the airport. You know, I have to say, I've used Airbnb a couple of times and it always makes me feel like I'm at home even when I'm away. Do you have that? I do too. I mean, I have, you know, I have two small kids who are loud and so when I'm in a hotel, I feel a little uncomfortable. Well, you're loud too. Oh, yes. Okay.

Okay, yeah, we're all loud. And then in an Airbnb, I just feel much more comfortable traveling. You're not a self-conscious. No. Yeah, and also you're staying in someone's home. It's got that vibe of comfort, relaxation, normalcy instead of some stuffy hotel. Yeah. I don't want a mint on my pillow.

Hey, Blay, you use Airbnb, don't you? I do. I love it. And I will say, staying in someone's place really does add a lot. I'm a huge Stephen King fan, and the last Airbnb I stayed in had this book, From a Buick 8, which is one of the few Stephen King books I haven't read. So I actually started reading it in the Airbnb. It was pretty awesome. And you know what I do sometimes when I'm at an Airbnb? I often travel with a picture of myself in a frame. Oh, boy. And I take it out, and I put it up, and it feels like home. Yeah.

I travel with my own framed headshot. Do you leave it there as a gift? No, that's mine. Those things are precious. So if you're booking a trip soon, my number one tip is to check out Airbnb first to find the perfect place to stay because your accommodation really does make all the difference.

You know what I love, Sona? What? Football season. Hell yeah. Football season is here. All the rituals. I get together with my buddies, my gang. Mm-hmm. My choes. Choes. I don't know what that is. Is that a word? Choes. I think it's chums and bros. You're choes. Oh, yeah, thank you. Yeah. Chums and bros are choes. Oh, okay. You heard it here first.

Anyway, when we get together, we watch the game. Friendly rivalries. I like my team. Oh, yeah? I prefer mine. That kind of talk. Football talk. But you know what's a big part of a ritual for me? Miller Lite. Miller Lite knows the passion that comes with rooting for your team. They get it. That's why Miller Lite keeps it simple. Let me explain. Please. Undebatable quality. Great taste.

Only 96 calories. That's it. That's nothing. That's nothing. That's like a Tic Tac. Only beer. It's the beer that strips away everything you don't need and holds on to what matters most. Make your game time taste like Miller time. Tastes great, less filling. Let it be both. Okay? To get Miller Lite delivered right to your door, hello, visit MillerLite.com slash Conan Ding Dong. Miller Lite here. Hey! Hey!

You can find it pretty much anywhere that sells beer. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories per 12 ounces. Fewer cows and carbs than premium regular beer. This is an exciting evening. We're here in Altadena.

Sona's neighbors from down the street. Yeah. They're not your next door neighbors. No, they're two houses down. And they came by. Were these the ones that you told me heard you talking? Yes. They've heard us before, especially when the boys are crying and stuff. They can hear because we're allowed. We're allowed people. And sometimes our neighbors can hear us. And sometimes when I'm outside, I hear my family members like when I'm down the street talking.

Who's the loudest person in your family? I would say my mom. Between me and my mom. My mom. If you two, let's say, I'm sure it doesn't happen often, but let's say you two were to have an argument. It happens all the time. I know. I was being funny. Yeah. When you two argue, how loud does it get? It gets loud. I mean, imagine how I normally talk and imagine it amplified. I can't imagine it getting louder.

than what I've heard. But it probably does. Oh, yeah, it does. I can amplify. So it gets loud. You can get loud, probably. Nah, not really. Kind of a quiet mouse. Quiet mouse? Oh, my God. Everyone's laughing. You're not a quiet person. He's just a guy that keeps to himself. Neighbors are always going to say, he kept to himself. He was a good neighbor. We never knew he was going to snap. Oh, my God.

He's kept his yard real neat. You know, didn't come to any of the social things in the neighborhood, but you know, he's a fine neighbor. So that's me. That's the kind of guy I'd be. When you first moved into your place, how, did you want to make sure everybody knew they were living next door to you? Yeah. First of all, I complained because I was not on the map of the Starzones. I'm the only celebrity to ever do that. You called them and you were like, I went there.

Because I have a stand on Sunset Boulevard. And I said, gentlemen, gentlemen...

Gentlemen, I think there's a mistake here. And I showed them where I lived. You had a huge Conan sign outside your house, like a car dealership. I said, and I told them, I said, you have the other celebrities that live in my neighborhood, but I'm not represented. And I told them exactly where I lived. And then I expected to see the bus at least five times a day. Yeah. Did you wait outside? Well, they first of all kept saying, and what is it you do and stuff like that. And they said, are you still on TV? And I said, that's not the point.

I said, that is the only relevant point, young man. You're not to speak back to me. And they were wondering why I was wearing a tuxedo. And yeah, I was upset. I thought I should be part of the tour. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too. Yeah. You know, other stars were on the tour. What?

What's that sound? That sounds like a horse. That's a horse. That's a horse. A horse just went. We have horses that just. But wait, who's riding a horse? The horse people. Okay. God, you're good. Does that mean a person on a horse or people that are horse people? Like a minotaur. Minotaur. Centaur. Centaur. Yeah. Wait, you have centaurs? No. No.

Do people regularly ride horses up and down the street? Regularly they ride. There's an equestrian center, like not that far. Okay, that makes sense. And they ride horses just up and down the street. That makes sense. A couple times there was horse poop in front of my house. If you get horses, you're going to occasionally get horse poop. Yeah. They go hand in hand. But why isn't it like dogs? Why do we have to clean up dog poop? You don't have to clean up horse poop. It's a funny kind of thing. For some reason, horse manure is less offensive. I don't know why. That's true. People just feel like, yep, that's just some horse manure or whatever. Big deal. It's poop.

It's on the street. Pick it up. Shovel it. No, you can't. Put it in a bag. I mean, have you seen them? They're huge. You'd have to have a truck driving behind you. No, it's just not feasible. All right. Look, work on getting a mail system first. Oh, okay. And then we'll get the poop off the streets. Okay? Fair? Good deal? No, I'm not gonna

agree with you. Thank you for the high five. I did not high five you. Yes, you did. For the record, there was no high five. Don't do that. And high five. Thank you, Sona. That's not how my hand would sound if I high five. Anyway. I would sound different.

So no, it looks like we had a pretty good time. I'm leaving again. No, no, stay. Are we filming this just so we can put out a clip of Conan high-fiving himself? Can we do something? I don't know how much it's going to cost, but I'll pay for it. And when I mean I'll pay for it, I'll get it out of the company somehow. But it's not going to touch my part. My part? Do some sort of cheap animation where it looks like Sona and I high-fived over this. And I don't care how cheap it is. Just make it look in a very crude way like Sona high-fived me. Can I ask for another thing? Oh, and use that. Her hand in the air right now. No! No! No!

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, use that. I would like a gif of Conan high-fiving himself. And even if my arm bends over at a weird angle and doesn't match. I want a gif of this. Conan high-fiving himself like a dork. Nope. Like an absolute dork. No. Just high-fiving yourself. No, I run this show. No, look at my phone. No one likes you. Everyone loves me. Loved everywhere. Everyone wants to make you look foolish. Don't be fuel-ish. You remember that from the 70s? You weren't alive yet. Not at all.

Not at all. During the energy crisis. Stop bringing me into this. Leave me alone. Don't be foolish. Remember, don't be foolish? Leave me alone, both of you. What does that even mean?

During the energy crisis, they didn't want people to waste gasoline. So I remembered there was a thing that said, don't be fuel F. It spelled out fuel. F-U-E-L. F-U-E-L-ish. And they said, don't be fuel-ish. And for some reason, that just popped out of my head, too. I don't know why. I think I'm having a major occlusion in the mind. It's the altitude. It is the altitude. We're up here. Do you notice our breath? You can see our breath? Yeah, but why? I thought that was the fire. No, it's the temperature. Oh.

No, it's not that cold. You know what? I can see my breath. I think it may be the vapor in the air. Oh, the vapor? Or also, Sona had garlic. You know what's really funny? When I was in your kitchen, oh man, this killed me, and you heard my voice and you said, do you want garlic? And I said, do you have any? Like, you wouldn't have garlic. Yeah, that was really funny. Oh, we had a good laugh. Let's high five. Nobody had a good time.

Thanks, Sona. Take it. And do that too. No, no, no. Clip it out. Clip it out. The three times he's done it and do it again. Nope, nope. Okay. Loop it. Well, with cool terminology like that, there's no way they won't listen to you. Oh, man. I have seriously been questioning how my life has brought me to this point. I know. I'm so sorry, girls. I think it's because he's in my space and it's making me very... There's a different energy here. Yeah. You're feeling invaded.

Yeah. You're shitting on Altadena. Hey, no, I'm not at all. I'm just mocking it. You know, in a shitty way. It's a very different thing. Hey, I have a question. How weird would it be if, let's say we weren't doing this tonight, okay? This was never happening. And you were getting ready for bed and kids are asleep, tax turned in, okay? And...

and you look out the window and you see something and you look closer and I'm in your yard right where I am sitting in this chair. Oh, no. In the dark for no reason. Wait, no. How freaked out would you be? Why is that? It's like Slenderman, right? Why do you think about those things? It's like Michael Myers. Mike Myers. Yeah. And I'm just sitting here like this. That's harrowing. Well, why are you sitting there? I don't. That's the weird thing is I don't know. I'm just sitting here.

And you're like, what the? And so you freak out. You wake up Tack. He's like, oh, no, no, English, English Tack. And he's like, you know, what, what, what? And he rushes to the window and there's no chair and I'm not here. You're gone, yeah. Then he goes back to sleep. You check one more time. No, no.

Smiling just like this. That's so scary. Isn't that scary? That's really scary. What if we thought you, we didn't know it was you and then he took his sword and he stabbed you with it. What sword? Tack has a sword. You know who else brought a sword today? Blade brought a gigantic sword that he got from the Renaissance fair. Can we please talk about that for a second? He went to the Renaissance fair and he bought a sword.

Yeah, he was afraid he one day may have sex. So he quickly went to the Renaissance Fair. What? To make sure that his celibacy would be ensured for all time. Why did you bring a sword? Tack is the only other person I know who loves swords as much as I do. And so I bought this cool sword. So I wanted to show Tack my cool sword. No one else likes swords. No, wait. First of all, there's just not much use for them in the modern world. That's all. I think once you have a sword, you find a lot of uses for it.

Yeah. It's kind of like when you have a tool, you're like, oh, yeah, I could tighten this up. I could tighten this up, you know, slice things. Yeah. Instead of using a normal knife, you could use a sword. So what kind of sword does Tak have? Tak has like a, it's a more Japanese style sword. Katana? I don't know if it's a katana. Samurai sword? I don't know what they're called. I don't know what it's called. He's inside and I could ask him. A katana? I don't know. I don't know, guys. I don't know.

kind of sword it is. It's okay. Let it go. But it's not like Blaze Sword. Blaze Sword is like... No, so that's... Yours is a medieval... That's a King Arthur sword. Jesus Christ. And it's sharp. It's really sharp. And you brought that just to show... No, it's okay. I can see it. It's good.

Why didn't we roast a weenie with that? That's, you know what I mean? Do you mind me asking how much you paid for that? How much did you pay for it? I... How much did you pay for it? It was a deal. How much did you pay for it? I paid $380 for it. You're fired. Because you waste your money on shit. It's...

Good luck at the pawn shop. I'm sorry, I just need to deflect. You were there with a sword. He didn't mean to shame you. But what if we stabbed you because we thought you were an intruder? That's what I'm talking about. No, this is just one of those things where I sometimes wonder, just picture you looking out the window. No one's here. There's no reason for me to be here. And I'm just sitting in this chair and I have just a slight enigmatic smile. Ew, I don't like that. Are you lit up like this? Well, I have my natural pale skin that shines like a moon. Ew.

laughter

I don't even know why you think of these things. I think of these things all the time. Wouldn't that be weird? Things like that are much scarier to me than someone jumping out, hacking at you. Just a Conan in your backyard, sitting in a chair, smiling in the night when you don't think you're going to see him. What's more terrifying than that? There honestly is not anything I can think of that is more terrifying than you just sitting in my yard. I really do think that is really terrifying. But I get what you mean when you

you think about weird things yeah like there was the the solo stove lighter fluid and it said do not drink highly fat flammable and i was like what if i just drank it well that's saying it out loud i'm that's a death wish i know i hear it i hear it it's not the same as what you were thinking at all what i was saying it's terrible don't do that

Don't drink that. You're the mother of two beautiful boys. Yeah. Got your whole life ahead of you. Don't do that. But what if it's also like, you know, when you're on a rooftop bar or something and you're like, I'm just going to jump off. No, no. Am I the only one? The worst I ever do is if I'm watching a play, I go, there's nothing stopping me from walking up on that stage and giving them all wedgies right now.

Well, I think your physical strength would stop you. I don't care who was in that play. If it was a play of old women, they would beat the shit out of you. You know when we do live shows, sometimes I'm like, I'm going to say something really bad. You usually do and people laugh. You mean like mistakenly? No, like seriously bad words. Purposefully. Like, I don't know, something racist or something. What? I know, I think about this all the time. But you're not a racist person. I'm not.

but I'm just saying like, there's so much at stake. What if I say something that's so bad? My life is over. No one takes you seriously. No one, no one. No, no. But let me say, people just think like, Oh, that goofy Sona. You know what I mean? You think they won't take me seriously? I don't, I think you're safe. Try some right now. No, I don't want to. That's the point. I'm like, you have a good heart. No one thinks it comes. Things that I shouldn't be thinking about. I think about a lot sometimes. And it's, I'm, I really, I thought everybody would be like, Oh,

I think about jumping off a roof sometimes when I'm at a restaurant. But the fact that no one else thinks that really makes me uncomfortable right now. And I'm feeling a little awkward and vulnerable. I'm feeling very vulnerable. Child services is on the way. You just admitted your children are sleeping upstairs and you admitted you want to drink lighter fluid and then you want to jump off a roof. Oh, my God. I think you're going to spend a couple of days. They're just going to be in a...

away from your kids. That's all. I really thought you guys would help me out with that. I don't know what to say. I'm sitting with a guy who wants to sit in a backyard all night to scare someone. A woman who wants to jump off a building and a guy who spent $380 on a sword. And I don't feel like a normal person, but you guys make me feel so sane. You're very sane. You're,

sane. Yeah, he is. No, he's not. You're not a sane person. He's a little eccentric, but he's sane. But compared to you people, I'm just John Jonah. You people? Who's racist now? Listen. That's it. That's it.

Oh my God. So what are they killing? Who knows? It could be anything. What are those? Coyotes. That's coyotes attacking an old game show host. They're tearing apart Wink Martindale right now. What do you think they're getting? A cat. It could be a cat. It could be a possum. It could be a raccoon. Don't list all animals in the world. Jesus, you're like the coat check at Noah's Ark. A horse? A horse? No, it wouldn't be a horse. A horse.

Whoa! Oh my God. That is so chilling. Did you hear that, ladies and gentlemen? That was crazy. I hope our mics picked that up. That was fantastic.

I don't know. Do we have ambient mics that would pick that up? Yeah. We have ambient mics? It probably picked it up. I would imagine. That was pretty loud. It was pretty loud. That was pretty, that's crazy. And you hear that all the time, huh? All the time. Where's Tack? Is he around when this is happening? Have you ever seen him? What if you find out that Tack was doing it? That's what I mean. Oh, Tack's the guy? What if Tack's a werewolf? What if when he says he's- A wampir. What if when he says he's going to karate, he's really just going to kill-

creatures. I think that's an exotic excuse for I'm going to go out. You just say like, I got to go to work and check on a few things. No one says I'm going to karate and then does something weird because karate in and of itself is kind of out there. Well, I'm going to go chop at the air while wearing pajamas. Really? I'm up to something kind of kooky.

Do you know what I mean? It makes no sense. That martial art is hundreds of years old and you just tore it down to chopping the air while wearing pajamas. Well, anyway, I'm sorry. I hope. My apologies to an entire way of life. Yes. Listen, I think it's time. What better way? My God, you can't hear this at home because these are directional mics. These mics have been set up by Eduardo. He had no idea that something that dramatic was going to happen. But the sound was absolutely thrilling. It's like a...

This is like a real nature special. It's nighttime. We're here in Altadena. And what sounded like maybe 15 or 20 coyotes just surrounded some animal, started shrieking and tore it asunder. Incredible. And then it just gets quiet. And listen how quiet it gets. A little moment of silence for that gone animal. Now they're fighting over... The carcass. No, also like the bill. I only had one paw.

Why do I have to pay as much? He had two paws in the tail. I'll get the tip. He had two paws in the tail and I had one paw. I didn't drink any of the blood. He drank all the blood. Now they're fighting about that. Just going at it. Man, incredible riffs. That might be a new one. This is a new one.

No, now they're fighting about the tax. I can't believe there's a food tax. We're in Altadena. You know, we don't even have mail service. Well, anyway, let's wrap it up. It's been another good episode of Goo Goo Golly and the Gum Gum Tree. I think it's called Chill Chums for reasons I don't even remember anymore. It's

it's called fan service that's what adam tells me adam sack says this is fan service this is an all-timer episode is this the same episode where you guys argued about points that was four hours ago and that was this episode was that this episode holy christ it's amazing you left and you built a house from scratch i did i went out and trained 15 wild coyotes

All right. Well, thanks for listening to this episode of Chumaroonies. Chilled Chumaroo. I'm a guy that, well...

This is where my career has brought me. We can end it. We can actually end this episode. I keep trying to, but no one helps me. It's you. You do the end. You do the ending. Okay. You end it. Take it easy. Finish it. The more you try to talk, the less you can talk. It's hilarious. You do the end. Endy do. Endy doody do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Oh, God. The more you try to end it, the less you end it. End.

Ladies and gentlemen, from Altadena, this is Conan O'Brien saying it's been nice. Vodka with ice. I'm so close to my house and I feel so far away. You did this for 30 years. Just end it. Okay, well, that was easy. I go like, well, that's our time. Good night, everybody. You can do that. Stay tuned for Last Call with Carson Daly.

I'm going to go take, spend 40 minutes wiping the makeup off my face in my tiny dressing room. Get out of it, buddy. Chilchums. Oh, my God. It's another one. God, this is, you live in a...

You live in a horror show. Oh my God. It's intense. It's intense.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.

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