Lady Crackers
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Listen to that rock and roll, yeah. To grandparents. Oh, it hurts. To book club friends. Hmm, I read that. Shop the cozy Sherpa wearable throw and more holiday favorites at llb.com slash gifts. All right, well, welcome to the Conan and Jordan show. This is our second episode. I have to be honest with you, Jordan, I didn't think we'd get to a second episode. Yeah. Because during the last one,

I'm just being honest. I wanted to smash your face into powder. But we made it. We're here.

And this is by popular demand. People love the Conan and Jordan show. What kind of polling did you do to determine the success of the first episode? I've looked at no data. I've talked to no one. I live pretty much a secluded, strange life. But I know deep in my heart that this thing's a smash hit. So much so that, look, we have our own sign now, the Conan and Jordan show. Now, I was under the impression that the previous recording session was an audition of sorts. Oh, God, no. No, we use...

uh every part of the buffalo here we can't waste anything so no that was not an audition that's that was the first episode so now we have our own show we've had we've passed whatever requirements we needed to pass what requirements are there this is the radio i was under the impression it was sink or swim that the first episode was going to determine the future viability of you and i really no no you were under no vote of confidence by any interpretation nobody

Nobody has. I've run this up the flagpole. It's serious. They said we don't have a flagpole and we're not taking your call. How does this compare the launch of this show? How would this compare, let's say, to the launch of your late night show? 30 years ago now. Yeah. Or any of your new projects. Even your Conan O'Brien needs a friend podcast. Would this be comparable launch? Not at all. No, those were like massive battleships that, you know, you hit it with the champagne. They slide into the ocean. Then they have a storied career on the high seas.

defending England or America or whatever country manufactured the ship. This, I don't know, this is the emission of a little gas maybe from like a broken down machine. But,

But still, it's something that's happening. We have to respect it. What kind of promotional circuit can I expect? Will we be hitting the road? Oh, God, no. Spreading the word? No, no, no. We can't spread anything. Is there any kind of press release that I need to approve or anything like that? I don't even think we can afford that. And I'm told they're free. So, no. And first of all, you've so far been just asking a series of questions and I've indulged you. But let me get a little bit of stuff out. Oh, you have an agenda. Okay, go ahead. Well, you don't have to announce everything.

It's the Conan Jordan show. It's the second episode. This is where you and I talk. And people do all the time ask me, how's Jordan doing? I want more Conan Jordan. You know that our videos are a massive hit on YouTube, various other sundry places, the websites. People love them. They can't get enough. They want more. Well, now we're giving them more.

And what better way to experience us than while you're driving around, maybe in your rental car or at home listening to Sirius XM. This is the way to do it. People listen to the Conan O'Brien channel. They want to hear this stuff, you know? So it's you and I together. How are you feeling about it?

That's what you cut me off to get to? Yeah. I thought you had some bombshell you were going to drop. That's what you had to say? That's the information you had to spread? Yeah. I can't believe you had Billy Corgan on your podcast and you didn't ask him what he was chanting at the beginning of 1979.

A question that's been confounding fans for decades on the forums. You had him right here. I did ask him. You could have said, what were you chanting? But instead it was, oh, I'm a guitarist too. Do you prefer a Telecaster or a Stratocaster? You know, why didn't you ask him the question that people... It's just Stratocaster. It's not Stratocaster. Second of all... We just said the same thing. Second of all, I did ask him. We talked about it as he was getting into his car because the magic moments for me aren't captured. Okay? You...

greedily want me to spill that kind of stuff into a microphone. I walked Billy to his car. It was Acura and massive dent, the back bumper. And I asked him that question and he told me the answer, but that's the kind of thing I can't share.

You can listen to the isolated audio tracks on YouTube and you still can't figure it out. He would have told you it's not meant to be a secret. It's not like Quentin Tarantino not telling people it was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction. It just so happens he's never been asked. Now, you had the opportunity to ask and finally put this to rest, but instead you decided to stick to guitars. I asked him what I was interested in and I also knew that he'd tell me when we walked him to his Acura and he did. So, uh,

I was satisfied. The Internet is a great resource for many things. You could look up Beyonce song lyrics to Lemonade and see, you know, a thousand renditions of it. But there are some songs, John Parr's St. Elmo's Fire, where there are not accurate depictions of the lyrics anywhere. Wait a minute. The song St. Elmo's Fire? Okay. What?

Do you like that song? 1985 Man in Motion, St. Elmo's Fire by John Parr, which was secretly about differently abled people overcoming the odds, but under the guise of a teen movie as used in the movie. They were in their 20s. Don't anger me when people call people teens when they're 25, 26, sometimes some of them pushing 30. Emilio Estevez.

was 44 years old when he starred in that movie. You're a man that appreciates horns. Do you understand the horn work that David Foster put into that final chorus? Yet nobody understands what the lyrics are. All right, tell me the lyrics. I figured it out. Tell me the lyrics. No, you try to figure it out. No, I don't even know. I look,

to the sheet music in the 80s and the sheet music had the wrong lyrics. I can't conjure the song. I can't conjure the song. I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky. Hold on. They changed the lyrics in the last chorus. That's the power. The lyrics are the same in the first and second, but the last one, he changes it up. But you can't understand what he's saying. I figured it out. I listened to that hundreds of times. Well, you cannot figure it out. Everything on the Internet is wrong. Everything on the Internet is a life well spent. Here we go. You got to get to the end.

Night Ranger's Secret of My Success

Wait, why are we listening? I told you to get to the end. You like this song? This song is fantastic. This song gets the blood pumping. What are you talking about? Don't you hear that driving beat? It's like four on the floor, but you hear the hi-hat work. And it's that ostinato. You may think that, oh, it's repetitive, the drum beat. I say it's ostinato, the Italian concept of persistence. That is a great musical technique. All right, we just got canceled.

but they just let me know at the end of aerosmith's what it takes where he's like let it go let it go that's ostinato they cut that off for the single releases of this song i'm going to ask you to do me a favor jordan when i hold up my hand like this you're going to have to stop talking because otherwise you just wash over me and you're a little out of control right now we had a nice conversation going and then you brought up this song man in motion the theme song for st elmo's fire

which is a bullshit song. And then you... I want you to tell me what he's saying in the last chorus. Don't try to deflect, pivot, or otherwise change the subject. Don't slowly fade out the music. I don't care what he's saying in the last... Don't slowly fade out the music after we heard the inconsequential introduction based on the contents of this conversation. Oh, you say a great... Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying. You're saying that a great song has an inconsequential opening? That's not a great song. A great song, by definition, has a great beginning. How's your hearing?

My hearing is perfect. Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying. Or Google it. Take as much time as you need. Tell me what he's saying. I forgot that the universal sign of good hearing is being able to determine and remember the lyrics to Man in Motion. Use whatever resources you have at your disposal as an A-list celebrity to tell me the lyrics to the last chorus. Hey, you think I'm an A-lister? Tell me the lyrics to the last chorus. Listen, here we go. St. Elmo's Fire. I Can Crime the Highest Mountain.

I can cross the wild to see. This is easy. This is kids play. Yeah. Last chorus. It starts with, I could hear the music playing there. He just yelled. I think he drops it. You missed the last chorus. Okay. Because I don't care. Tell me what the last lyric. No, I'm not going to. I'm not going to tell you my hard work. You're not going to benefit after ridiculing me. You're not going to benefit from my hard listening work.

What I'm saying is also there are many lyrics for which no matter how many resources you have at your disposal, short of contacting John Parr, by the way, who's a philanthropist, a British philanthropist, you will not be able to determine these lyrics. Icehouse is electric blue. He's a philanthropist, but he can't give his music away. Look at that face.

Oh, man, you got served, owned. Jordan, you're a terrible person. And our time away from each other has been a salve for my tattered soul. We're together again because the public demands it. We have our own show. And you completely commandeered it right up top to make us listen to that piece of mid-80s crap. What's the power balance on this show if it is, in fact, ours? Well, let's take a look at the order of the names. The Conan.

And Jordan's show, huh? The size of the font is also... Yeah, big Conan and then sort of little scripted Jordan. I think you understand what the power balance is here. You're here because I allow you to be here. You live because I allow you to live. And maybe you're just someone that I imagined and you think you have a life, but the minute I stop thinking about you, you'll disappear. Fascinating. So...

Let's talk. Man in motion. I do encourage the listeners to try and discern the last part of the song because that's an important use of everyone's time. What will the listener take with them after listening to this radio program? They will take with them newfound knowledge, although you didn't allow the knowledge to be revealed, newfound knowledge of a great mystery of the Internet. I think what people will take from this

is a newfound hatred for you. They thought they hated you before, but now they're going to go look. Before it was, if I cross paths with Jordan, I'll smash his face. Now it's going to be, I've got to find out where that fucker is and I need to take him out at the knees. That's what's going to be. If you ever have Eddie Vedder on your show, I trust you will ask him what he's chanting at the beginning of WMA. Be the first thing out of my mouth. Okay. Okay. I promise it. I'll write it on my hand. Yeah. All right.

Swear to God. Go ahead. Usually it's how are you? Yeah. I like to try and ease into it. Small talk. Yeah, I understand. That makes people feel comfortable. Are you comfortable? Yeah. That's all. That's my technique. But as a robot, you would know that. You have your own techniques. Jordan, this is what we have to do. We have to do a quick commercial. The sponsor now is Lady Crackers. Oh, yes. Why don't you just give an ad for Lady Crackers right now and just make it up as you go?

Lady Crackers, Los Angeles, olive oil and sea salt. Now, you're going to often find lesser quality oils used in many products, things like soybean oil. These are industrial oils. Then you'll find seed oil, sunflower, safflower. Rarely do you find a brand that's willing to go to the expense of providing a premium oil because, frankly, most consumers don't understand what they're putting in their body.

They shovel food in. They don't understand the quality of said food. Now you have a product that is using olive oil, one of the finest oils. Can I just confirm? Can I confirm? Hold on a second. Can I confirm? Frank, he had no idea what I was going to hand him. No idea. This is not written. There's no copy. There's no copy. This.

This is absolutely what are you doing? How do you able to do that? Well, the first thing I look for a product made with olive oil and lack of seed oils or processed oils like canola, which is also called rapeseed, which people perceive because it has a high monounsaturated fat content. Did you say grapeseed? Rapeseed. What? Don't talk that way on this program. What are you talking about? That's awful.

That's a piece of flora. Nevertheless, I look for products that don't use processed or seed oils. I like certain kinds of fats. I like olive oil, butter, or ghee. Coconut oil is fine. Let's get back to, you know, the sponsor is going to want to hear their

product name and a little more about the product rather than a list of every oil that exists. Yeah. Lady Crackers, Los Angeles. Olive oil and sea salt premium. Very few ingredients, which is always a good thing. Would you like to taste one? Why don't you open it up and taste one? It's okay. Could you please? I typically try to avoid. Would you please? Yeah. It's okay. Would you please?

Please, just open it. When I open a box like this, I like to keep these three tabs intact. Sometimes it's a challenge. I believe that we're defined by what surrounds us aesthetically every day. I like a beautiful looking box to surround me. A box that I could picture you, especially if we're producing a program like this, ripping this thing open. I would tear that. I would just tear it apart. But I like to open it delicately. Put it in your mouth, please. Just have the cracker, please. Yeah, I understand.

Yeah, well. What do you think? Not overly salted. That's a good thing. Sometimes they put too much salt on. Sometimes they put too much salt. Oh, 340 milligrams. That's a little high per serving. I don't know how you define a serving size. One ounce. That's a sponsor, Jordan. So just try and be positive about it. Is that to say that it's a perfect product? Who am I to assess? This is the worst ad ever. You can't just crunch it and say it's not perfect. What I'm saying is, I see a lot of, if you're looking for a cracker,

If I were looking for a cracker, if I found myself, a lot of people look for crackers in their daily lives. They feel like they want a cracker. If I wanted a cracker, I would certainly go for Lady and Larder. That's a fine pitch. I'm going to do you one better. Lady and Larder. I want a cracker at night and I want one with a clean crunch.

That gives you that lady and larder crackle, the munch crunch that makes you happy a whole bunch. That's why I like lady and larder. Lady and larder, tear that box open, rip them tabs, and slam that cracker down your puss. And remember, if any crumbs go astray, use your tongue. Get it outside your face and lick them up. Keep that tongue outside your head. It's a good way to get those crumbs.

Lady and louder now with more of the good stuff that you love get it now

What do you think? Well, you know, we have different approaches. Yeah. I talked in a very depressed way for a while and I said, seems like kind of a high sodium content. In the end, we both appreciate lady crackers for different reasons. Yeah. You like the clean crunch. I like the lack of over-reliance on processed industrial oils. It's the clean crunch that gives you a munch and I love it a bunch.

See the way it rhymes? People love that in an ad. They're not going to remember your sodium content quip, but they're going to remember mine. They should.

Do you have an idea for a jingle for this? Do you want to sing a little song about the company asked us to sing a jingle? Can you please do the jingle? I'm not one to sing, but I could tell you I wrote a jingle for Guinness beer once. I entered a contest in 1996. And I believe I should have won. So they may have this regularly. You had to write a limerick. You're familiar with the limerick. Oh, that's racist. But sure.

Yeah. And I have I live with a leprechaun. OK. And I just ate a four leaf clover for lunch. A limerick is a written work that follows a very specific syntax and rhyming structure. OK, five lines, one, two and five rhyme and then three and four rhyme. Yeah. Guinness had a contest come up with the limerick and the winner will get maybe was a trip to Ireland or something like this. So in 1996, I sent in a limerick, which I have to believe would have run. Would you remember it? I absolutely remember it. I can't wait to hear it.

And the fact that it didn't win tells me that either they lost the mail or someone didn't, the right person didn't look at it. Right. What's the limerick? Okay, here's the limerick about Guinness beer. Across ire, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled a cold Guinness, hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout.

You know what? That's good. Yeah, that is. That's very good. And I spent a long time on it. I hope you didn't spend too long on it. But I want to know what was better than that. I'd like to know Guinness in 1996. What was a better limerick than that to promote your product? I got no acknowledgement. There was an old man from Nantucket who wanted his young friend to suck it. He said, Guinness, I said, I didn't mean your head. And then the guy kicked the bucket. I just made that up. That's pretty good.

And you know what? I spent no time on it. Yeah. And it's got something dirty in it, so everyone's going to remember it. Yeah, I feel mine is superior. Okay, but the point is, you're still bitter that you lost that Guinness contest. Yeah, yes. What was the prize? I believe it was a trip to Ireland. I can't confirm. Wow, some prize. I don't drink beer myself. My family fled that place. Let's get out of here! There's nothing to eat!

You're referring to the potato famine? No. My people fled in 1982. The line at Burger King was too long. We gotta get out of here! Let's get to Brookline, Mass! They flew over on Aer Lingus. Um,

I think that'd be a funny and a limerick. Also dirty. Hey, listen, I thought you did a good job with the ad overall. Thanks. This land? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you did a fine job. We're gonna take a little break. When we return, Jordan and I will have a deep philosophical discussion. Don't touch that dial.

Sona, when you take a big trip with the family, and I know that you love to travel, and your kids are getting old enough now where they like to travel too. Yeah, that's true. Who looks after the house? That's the thing. Nobody. And so I've actually been toying with the idea of maybe, you know, putting my house up on Airbnb, making some extra cash, having someone there. It's like you're hosting people. Exactly. It's like you're getting paid to travel. You can use the money that you get to travel.

from putting your house up on Airbnb to help finance your trip. Exactly. And you know what? There's people there that are looking after my relics. You have a lot of... People don't know this, but Sona has a lot of ancient Greek relics. Etruscan relics. Yes, exactly. You have a lot of sculpture from the Assyrian Empire. Yes.

Sona has billions and billions of dollars worth of ancient, ancient artifacts that have never even been looked at by archaeologists. They should all be in a museum. They really should be. Yeah. But it's nice when you're away, your home could be an Airbnb, and that's something to keep in mind. So your home, a.k.a. your future Airbnb, might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host. What?

You know what's nice in the old days if you wanted a cinematic experience? You had to go to the movie theater. Yeah. You had to get your ass to a movie theater. Not anymore. With Samsung OLED, you get a full cinematic experience without leaving your couch. There's actually a brand new Samsung OLED here in Team Cocoa Studio.

And it's tough to stay focused on podcasting when the picture quality is this good. I'm always losing track. Oh. I'm supposed to be interviewing one of the great people in history, and I start drifting away from them. I've noticed. Because I'm looking at the amazing picture on the Samsung OLED. Yeah, you drop the ball a lot. Maybe. Yeah.

Yeah. The AI-powered processor upscales your favorite content in brilliant 4K resolution. You get to experience colors on a TV as they're meant to be seen because this is the only OLED TV validated by the industry-leading color experts at Pantone. Plus, on OLED S95D, you get OLED glare-free technology so you can watch everything you love with nearly no glare. I can't stand glare. When there's glare, I can't even see the picture. Yeah. The picture. The picture. The picture.

Gamers, you're covered too. Hey, gamers, don't worry. What's that? Gamers, you're covered too. Oh, really? Yes. Motion Accelerator 144 hertz delivers ultra smooth motion and AI auto game mode tellers your game settings to its genre.

Speaking of gaming, you know, we're going to be filming another Clueless Gamer. Blay, what game are we playing this time? I like to surprise you, so I don't want to tell you. We're also narrowing the games down. So if you out there have an idea of a game you want us to play, go to Team Coco podcast on Instagram and leave us a comment and we might pick that game. Can't wait to see how great this game looks on the Samsung OLED TV. And I'm just going to add it's AI powered upscaling. That's right. Stay tuned for the next Clueless Gamer releasing late November.

God, I love football season. I love the rituals of football. Like what? Don't do that.

What are you talking about? From defending your favorite team after a bad loss to obsessively checking your fantasy lineups. You know what I'm talking about. Football fandom is bigger than just Sundays. And you know who knows that? Miller Lite. Miller Lite knows the passion that comes with rooting for your team. That's why Miller Lite keeps it simple. Undebatable quality. You can try and debate it. That debate won't last long. You'll lose. Because it's Miller Lite. You'll lose. Great taste. Only 96 calories.

It's the beer that strips away everything you don't need and holds on to what matters most. Who says, hey, get me a beer with everything I don't need in it? Nobody. It's the original light beer since 1975. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Red Sox won the pennant that year. Yeah. Make your game time taste like Miller time. Tastes great. Less filling.

Let it be both. Why fight? You know, there's enough fighting in America right now. You can have both. There's space for both. Thanks, Sona. To get Miller Lite delivered right to your door, visit MillerLite.com slash Conan, or you can find it pretty much anywhere that sells beer. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories for 12 ounces. Fewer cows and carbs than premium regular beer.

All right, I'm going to move on to the next segment. Conan and Jordan discuss a philosophical question. Frank, why don't you tell us what you had in mind here? So we're going to have a segment here called Conan and Jordan have a philosophical discussion. Okay. Jordan, if in Conan, if time travel were possible.

Would it be ethical? Well, I think we would redefine our ethics and morality to suit the emergence of new technology. I can't imagine many circumstances in human history where ethics have stopped the progress of technology, unfortunately. A lot of times conflicts are justification to develop technology. You look at nuclear technology, both fission and fusion. Originally,

Originally fusion and then later fission. Fusion, of course, you're taking two light elements and joining them and fission. You're taking a heavy like a uranium or a plutonium and you're splitting it. Nevertheless, I can't think of situations where technology never advanced, at least to my knowledge, because of ethics and morality. Can I stop you before you get boring? Oh, wait, I'd need a time machine for that.

I have to go back nine minutes ago to the start of your day. Blammo! You just got blammoed. My question would be, is sports betting allowed? If sports betting allowed, then definitely. Let's have that. Let's go back in time. I could clean up.

Then you make a lot of money. Then you go back further in time when land is really cheap. You go to Long Island and you say, hey there, 1680 farmer, what do you want for these nine acres on the ocean? These nine acres, why I would wish to have six dollars. Six dollars, eh? Here's 16 dollars. Well, thank you. Yep.

That's what you would do. Would you go backwards or forwards? If you had one shot, you'd go backwards. And what would you witness first? If you can only witness. I'd go to Ford's Theater and I'd say, hey, Abe, behind you. I'd save Abraham Lincoln's life. But if you are just an observer and had no ability to change anything and you can witness one event, so you could pick the time and place and you can go back. Would that be it? I mean, just as an intellectual curiosity. I would go back in time. You would go back to the assassination of Lincoln. Would you go back? Because Lincoln, there's no mystery. I don't want to have just one.

If you had one or two, like, would you go to like the Kennedy assassination to uncover the mystery? Or would you go to something where there's certainty? Or would you go back to the Jurassic period and look at a dinosaur? I've seen Jurassic Park and I think they probably got it right. So that doesn't interest you. So would it be the Lincoln assassination? And I wouldn't go to the Roman times because I saw Gladiator and I think that's a good. I think most movies have pretty accurately depicted dinosaurs.

what those times were like. And I think if I go back in time, it's going to look like that only a little dirtier, like people's togas will be dirty. And I'll be like, ah, this sort of sucks. So I don't want to see that. Yeah. So, um, nah, I don't want to see that stuff. I really just want to go to Ford Cedar and go, Hey,

Hey, Abe, heads up! Because you know what? I'll tell you this. Abe Lincoln was 6'4", my height, and a strong backwoodsman. He would have turned around. Booth was a relatively small guy and an actor. I've interviewed enough of them to know that they're pretty easy to take in a fight. So he would just clean Booth's clock. That would be fun. Right.

Abe would just be wailing on Booth. And then it would just turned into another failed assassination attempt, which there are many throughout American and world history and and wouldn't be as consequential as it was today. And in the end, you wouldn't have witnessed a momentous occasion. You would have just witnessed a closer to average occasion. I would have witnessed the ultimate beatdown. Abe Lincoln kicks the shit out of some little actor.

takes his Derringer away and kicks the shit out of him and then throws him off the balcony. And then all the actors that are starring in the play, our American cousin starring Laura Keane, they all start kicking Booth. You see, you have me inside you. You know, sometimes you'll give me a straight answer and you have the facts as well. What you ridicule me for is really a reflection. Did you just say that I've had you inside me? You have me inside you. Stop. Don't ever say that again. Don't ever say that again.

I don't want you inside me. What you see and you detest in me lives inside you. That's why you detest it with such ferocity. Don't ever say that again. Don't ever, ever say I'm inside you again. I'm a part of you and you're a part of me. I've seen you at your best. I've seen you at your worst. We have an incredibly intimate relationship that you don't acknowledge. If we're inside each other, then it is intimate. Yeah. And that's hard to do too. Think of the geometry of that one.

He mentioned where he would go if he could time travel.

Jordan. Yeah. Where would you go? Oh yeah. This is fascinating. Uh, this, this is a legitimate question. Yeah. Uh, you know, I, uh, gosh, I'm assuming one shot, one chance. I mean, the question is future or past, right? Cause future is like unwritten. Where do you even go? Do you go 10 years? Do you go a thousand? I'm not going to take away future. I'm just going to say past. past. Um, yeah, well, you know, I w I would want to witness something. Uh, I probably like you wouldn't necessarily want to solve any mystery as much as just witness something. Um,

I might go back and witness dinosaurs if I could assure my own safety and I'd have to be in the right place at the right time. So you really have to ensure your safety. So we have to talk to the dinosaurs first and say, leave that guy alone over there. I don't want to be killed by a dinosaur. I just want to witness them. Well, it's going to be a problem if you go back there. You have to take that into account. Yes, I do. There's a good chance. I mean, if and I could see you being very irritating to a brontosaurus.

I could see a Brontosaurus being like, I just fucking hate that guy. It's a Brontosaurus. It is not. Now you're just saying shit. It's not Brontosaurus. Quatlus. What?

You familiar with Quetzalcoatlus, the flying dinosaur? There was like a 1982 or 1983 horror movie called Q. Q stood for Quetzalcoatlus, or they called it Quetzalcoatl. But the actual scientific name is Quetzalcoatlus. Quetzalcoatl was a Mexican god, I believe. You know the 1980s... Just talk over me, that's fine. No. Quetzalcoatl, if he was a Mexican god, he must have been named after Quetzalcoatlus. Say how you pronounce brontosaurus again. Brontosaurus. Okay, you need...

to be hit i'm not gonna say with steel rods because that's but with a denser wood like a wood but it's a dense wood like a mahogany you need to be hit with mahogany okay because no one says that um even a brontosaurus if it just heard that would put both of its giant paws in front of its eyes and just be like oh my god what a dick no it's not how do you say pterodactyl

Why do you say these things like Dracula?

I'm just looking at the root of the word. I understand that these words have Latin roots and I look at the root of the word and I use it properly. I'm not one of those people that says alum or haphazardly throws out the word alumni improperly. What do you say? Well, if I'm talking about a man, it's alumnus. And if I'm talking about, okay, we'll see what you're doing. When you're talking about a man, you got an alumnus. A woman is an alumna, right? Two men or a mixed group is like alumni and two women or multiple women is alumnae.

And the word alum is not based in any reality. Conventional wisdom says now if you're using it to express gender neutrality in a modern way, that's fine. But you have to know all the rules before you break them. That's what Air Supply said in making love and nothing at all. I know all the rules. All right. Written by Jim Steinman, of course, was an author, famous songwriter. He would act through his muses. He couldn't sing himself, Jim Steinman. So we got.

Meatloaf. He got Celine Dion. He even got Air Supply, who I believe Max Weinberg played with Air Supply in 1986. Give me a favor. Go back and visit the dinosaurs. That's my request. Go back and visit the dinosaurs and just sort of stand around and see what happens. Okay? And if you get stomped or crushed, that's just what happens. You're an alumnus of Harvard University, okay? No, I'm an alumnus of Harvard University.

Are we going to say it correctly or not? I don't know what that was. If you're going to say it, just say it. You know, you gave a great speech at Dartmouth College. Nope. I gave a great speech at Drathmouth College.

And you may remember the success of your speech, but I remember some of the events that happened surrounding that. There were dinners. You came with me when I gave you the speech.

Because absent the ability to intimately know somebody, people use certain classificative data to assess you as a person. They know what your education is. They know some of the facts that you know. I know you on an intimate level. I know what they don't know. So while these captains of industry were coming up and respecting you and talking to you, and they had their tweed jackets, and you probably had some tweed jacket as well, because that's the role you play when you go to an Ivy League school. I also had a falcon on my shoulder. So they're coming up and talking to you.

I know the real you. I know that you're an animal. I know that you're you're eating hot dogs. You're eating Big Macs in your spare time and then you get all dressed up and cleaned up and you talk intelligently to these academics. But I know the real you behind the curtain. That's all I'm saying. Well, if an animal is someone who eats fast food, then call me an animal and call most Americans an animal.

I love the United States of America. I really do love this country. And for you to attack it that way, I think, is not just scandalous, but treasonous. You're thinking in your head, as they're talking to you, you're thinking, yes, they respect me. Yes, I am respectable and sophisticated. And then you go home and you shove your face with your crackers or whatever, your cracker.

Crackers of different seed oils or industrial oil, soybean oil. The wheels just came off the trolley. The wheels just came off the trolley. No, I'm eating lady crackers and you're eating Ritz in your hotel room at Dartmouth after weeping in the corner in your tighty-whities. AI, I just gave this speech. These people respected me. This is insane. I'm an academic. I'm wearing this tweed jacket. I know you're an animal. You're...

You're whimpering in the corner eating Ritz. We're ending it here. You know what you've had? You've had a complete breakdown today. And I can tell always because you get a fiendish look on your eyes. Your eyes arch up. You start to smile. That's my face. That's the face I have. No, no, no, no, no. You're talking about my physical condition. And then you lost your mind. You started spiraling on the word cracker. And you lost it. You flamed out. And now a bunch of men are rushing up to you and pouring foam over you so that you don't burn to death.

Jordan, this was a great episode. It was a great episode because you came out of the gate hot and then you ended up in this spectacular explosion. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for anyone who's in your life. But I also love you. And when I say I love you, I'm lying.

It's just not true. Anyway, this has been episode two of the Conan and Jordan show. I think one of the most fascinating shows in the history of any medium. It's unrehearsed. We never know what we're going to talk about. And we just play with this spinning top that is Jordan Schlansky. Medium comes from the Latin medium, the singular. Media or media being the plural. No!

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