Natasha Leggero,Harris Wittels,Matt Besser
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Now who wants some chicken? It's Comedy Death Ray Radio. Hmm. I don't know. That one was liked a lot, but that did not feel good coming off the tongue. Let me explain what's happening, by the way. If this is your first time listening, my name is Hot Scott. Hot Scott. Hot Saucerman.

I couldn't even do the fake name without stumbling over it. What is wrong? I need to do my vocal exercises this morning. You need to change your name to Hot Saucerman. Okay, so this is Hot Saucerman, and this is Comedy Death Ray Radio. I had a world-famous catchphrase, what's up hot dog? I no longer say it. If you have a suggestion, put it on our Earwolf.com page.

And I could go into a much lengthier explanation, just so everyone's clear on what happened, but I'm feeling like not going into it today.

So let me tell you who I have as guests right now. This is, of course, Hot Saucerman with Comedy Death Ray Radio. And we have, first of all, old friend of the show. You all know him. You've heard his voice already within the first two minutes. It's Harris Whittles is here. Yeah. Thanks, Hot. And one of my favorite comedians. I'm sorry, comedians.

You said comedian twice, though. Comedienne is what I said. Comedienne? Yeah. He just shortened the pool from what he likes. He likes me out of ten people. You know her as a judge from Last Comic Standing. And the beautiful and vivacious Natasha Leggero is here. How are you? Hi, thanks for having me. No one clapped after you.

That's because I started the clap. I'm a very generous performer, so I was starting the claps for everybody else. Start it for yourself. Why not? Oh, yeah. Hi, Natasha. I don't need claps. You don't need... You know, you're a self-reliant performer, I've noticed. You don't care about claps. You don't care about laughs. You just do what you do. You don't care about the clap? I mean, I know that that's not true, but...

I had to follow... Are we going to start talking? Yeah, no, go ahead and start talking. I had to follow Martin Lawrence last night at the comedy store. Really? And he... I think I got off... Where'd you follow him to? I had to follow... Well, first of all, he was on stage doing jokes. His big closer was that when you fuck a guy... No, when you get fucked in the butt...

By a guy? No, just like when you're fucking anyone. Oh, can I swear? Oh, yeah, please do. When you're fucking in the butt, corn comes out of the butt, so he gets corn on the cock. That's true. That's so true. Yeah.

And that was his big closer. Oh, and then there was a lot of jokes about dry pussy. He's really cornered the market on the dry pussy. So wait, wait, wait. It gets his dick all bloody. He does not like dry pussy. No. He doesn't like dry pussy or deep pussy. Dry pussy, deep pussy. What kind of pussies then is Martin Lawrence into these days? Like wet, shallow, almost like a wading pool kind of pussies? I don't really want to think about it. Okay.

He might be into cocks. I don't know. Would you say that your pussy is kind of his type? I have a narrow, shallow, wet pussy. Almost like a library aisle or something? Just a narrow aisle of books on the side? I would like to think of it more like a perfume aisle.

You know, like at the, what's that place called? Duty Free. You know, you're going to the aisles, something like that. So your pussy is duty free. I like my pussy is duty free too. Wait, so let me finish the story. Okay, here we go. Oh, I thought that was the perfect ending. Well, I just want to complain about him a little more. So Martin Lawrence can't pronounce my name when he's bringing me up. So he's like, I'm black.

name he's like complaining and yelling and I was like just say Natasha he's like I don't work for you bitch whoa and so he got really mad and then he waited for me what after the show with his friends in the parking lot because I got 20 minutes later I'm off stage right and it is very hard to follow someone that dirty and you know it was just very very and speaking the truth the way he does

So then he goes, hey, Natasha, I just want you to know I don't work for you. And then I gave him my purse and said, hold this for me, Martin, darling. So I don't know if he was kidding. I mean, he didn't laugh. What a weirdo. Yeah. Well, you know, he's on top of the world. Oh, and then he's like, how long have you been doing comedy? And I was like, it's not, I hate when people ask you that. I was like, it's not a competition, Martin. You should have asked how long he hasn't been doing comedy. And I should have told him that if he did work for me, he would have gotten fired for that set. Yeah.

You should have said that, but you thought of it, what? How much later? 12 hours? When I got home on Twitter, I was like trying to, he's not on Twitter. Oh, that's too bad. Well, he's on top of the world, you know? I mean, Big Mama 3 came out. He's very successful, I guess. He doesn't seem successful, but he must be. Well, I mean, you know, if you ever capture the zeitgeist the way he did, you'll be able to keep working forever.

It's like a third grader. It's like if a third grader was telling jokes. They don't even make sense. All those dry pussy third grader jokes. Well, no, but it's just there's an immaturity to it. Almost like he's never even had sex. Third graders' pussies are generally dry. Aren't they? Yeah. I mean, I don't know. From my experience...

Absolutely. I've never had a baby, but I can imagine. I mean, Natasha, you're the only female here, and I don't know that much about the changes a woman's body goes through, but when does your pussy start getting wet? Is that like an adolescence thing? Like, is it totally dry until you're 13 years old? Oh, no. Really? It gets wet way before that. Well, I was very advanced. I was, yeah. Yeah. I couldn't wait for sex. Really? Yeah.

That is interesting because, you know, boys can get boners before they can cum. Yeah. But I wonder if, yeah, like, girl, if vaginas can get wet before you can, like, be sexual. Can't wait. Now, can, and I'm totally serious about this. I don't know. Can...

Okay, guys, I remember, yeah, you can't come until you hit puberty. You've got to have a dream or something. Don't you have like a dream? Is that the first time? Sometimes, yeah, sometimes. But do girls have orgasms before they hit puberty? I remember just rubbing my chair, like rubbing on my chair when I was in second grade. The teacher must have thought I was, I don't know. I used to go down to, oh, never mind. I think my parents listen to this. Okay.

Yeah, my dad is stalking me, so I'm sure he's, yeah. Wait, your dad's stalking you? Like, online. Really? Like, if he would have spent a quarter of the time he spends on my Facebook page on raising me. I would have.

I would not be a comedian. And someone will post pictures, like just bad pictures. You know, everyone's tagging you. And my dad, as soon as they'll post, he'll just call me up. Are you okay? You look sick in these. What was that like? The San Antonio college you did. You look terrible. Is everything okay? Like, he's just like on my page. What a nice supportive father. You look terrible. Well, I'm just saying he's just like. He's very interested in your career. That's great, though. I mean, you know.

Yeah, now that I'm on Chelsea lately. He gets pussy because I'm on Chelsea lately. Really? Yeah. What kind of pussy? Like shallow. Dry. Jagged. I don't know. Almost like a cave, like a labyrinth. Right. Yeah, like moss. Twisty and turny. Mossy. Pussy. Pussy.

Stalagmites? I'm not a pussy comic. I don't know how this took a turn. Well, you're the one who first started talking about it via Martin Lawrence. I was just thinking about Martin. Harris, a lot of people know you from the show because you're on a lot and you have a very popular segment on the show. And you do it every time you're here. And Natasha, have you heard Harris' segment before? No. What is it? Okay, well, it's called Harris'...

phone corner foam corner no phone corner oh we've talked about this before Harris you the foam corner is something totally different

Yeah, that's a corner. That's like a phone party. It's a whole... Where you read jokes in the middle of a phone party where there's suds in the... Yeah. So this is the phone corner. And explain for Natasha a little bit about what happens during this. Well, I typically... You know, you probably have this too where you'll wake up in the middle of the night with an idea for a joke and you'll jot it down. Or you'll be sitting in a waiting room and an idea will strike you. Put it in your... I put mine in my phone and my notes...

So you have a Notes app. A lot of people are really interested in the ins and outs of the phone corner and how it works. Sure, sure. Yeah, it's an app. Basically, you have a Notes app that... Do you have an iPhone? Yeah, it's an iPhone. So it's what comes standard with the iPhone. So anyone who has an iPhone could ostensibly imitate the phone corner. Right. Anyone that has an iPhone, any model of an iPhone has...

notes thing and you can do your very own phone corner do we know that if if someone has a droid for instance does that have a notes app uh I don't know I don't know anything that's not uh you know Steve Jobsian engineer Doug can we do some research on that about whether uh other types of phones have notes capabilities note taking notation capabilities well I just text myself you can do that you text yourself okay now that's not exactly what Harris does so I would not suggest doing that for the listener uh

I used to do that prior to my iPhone, actually. But, oh, God, this is so boring. The texting fees. This is so boring. What? The jokes on your phone? Explaining the app part of this. Okay. I disagree. All right. Wholeheartedly. All right. Well, actually, it probably is more entertaining than what it actually is. Okay. So what you do is you write down jokes, and then the segment... But these jokes are all unusable. I don't use these on stage ever. They're like my fucking weird...

stuff that you will never try. But I read them here and then Scott just makes fun of them. So it's like you're live tweeting them to Scott. Yeah, right. And whoever listens to this. Whosoever listens to this podcast believeth in Harris. Right. Alright, here we go. So are you ready to do the phone-n-corner? Well, okay. And Natasha, I want you to chime in on these. I just have a question as to why he thought it was called foam-corner.

Well, there's a lengthy debate about what it's called over the past few episodes. All right, so Natasha, are you ready? I like Foam Corner. You prefer Foam Corner? Back to Foam Corner then. Okay. And do we have a theme song for this? Okay, so let's, first of all, before we do this, let's hear the theme song. Okay, are we ready? Sure. All right, here we go.

All right, so great. Phone corner theme. Now, Natasha, are you ready? I'm ready. Okay, Harris, are you ready? I am, yes. You were born ready, you were about to say? No, because I wasn't. That would have been a lie. I had no cognitive ability as a child, as a baby.

All right, here we go. I've been ready since I was three. So how do we do this again? Do we count them off or? Here's what happens. All right, listen. Actually, I'm going to flip the script today, Scott. Hot, hot sauce. Anyone can come in here. Anyone that's me can just come in here and just rattle off some fucking brilliant jokes. Like just an example. I bought a backpack.

at a store yesterday and the woman at the register asked if I wanted a bag for it and I said, lady, that's what it is. So anyone can just say that. So wait, that does not count as one of the phone corner jokes. He was reading off his phone. Anyone can just point out that it's silly that when you're in a cold car and you want heat, cold air comes out of that thing first. It makes you colder. They gotta fix that.

Anyone can point out that. I think you're right. So I'm here to show... I'm here to show today that I'm also... You know, you have a lot of characters on this show. A lot of people come in, they got characters, and I love that part of this show. And people probably don't know that I also do that. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you saying that you're about to abandon the foam corner? I'm saying I'm calling an audible and...

And I'm going to unveil my new creation. This is, and if I may coin a phrase, a game changer. Yeah, that's a great way to put it. Changing the game, yeah. It's not bad, right? I don't know. Okay, so you're going to try a character. Yeah, with the expertise of a Domian or a Daly. Okay. John or Andy. Okay.

All right, so this is a first for Harris' appearances on the show. Right, and then, you know, if people want the phone corner after this, I understand. Tell them to write in.

Maybe we could put up a VOD on the blog. Yeah, should Harris stick to characters or go back to the foam corner? I think we'll get a pretty good idea. Oh, we should put a neither option in there. Right, and then I just never come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we'll make sure we put a neither. I know a couple people want that. Walt from the Earwolf comment section. Yeah.

Alright, so here we go. Harris Whittles debuting a character. Is there anything we need to know about this character before we begin? This is Jack, and he works at a lumber store. Jack from the lumber yard. I don't know. Okay, and how do we get into this? Do you just start talking? Creek Slam has the door. Oh, that wasn't you talking. I was going to say, it's a very weird thing for Jack from the lumber yard. Creek Slam.

Sit, sit. Hey, Creak Slam Sit. Hello. Hi. My name is Jack. I work at a lumberyard. Hi, Jack. Thanks for having me. Hi, it's great to meet you. Thank you so much for coming to the show. So, you know, because we have an open-door policy here, Natasha, you've heard about it. We let anyone come in who wants to come in, if they can find the Earwolf Studios, they

We just let anyone come in and we talk to them. So let's find out a little bit about Jack. You say you work at a lumberyard? I do. All right. So, Jack, you know, it's kind of interesting. Your name is Jack and you work at a lumberyard. It's almost like you're a lumberjack. Never thought about that. Actually, my father's name was Carl and it's actually called Carl's Lumber. Okay. Okay.

Natasha, any questions? So is a lumber yard, are you working out in nature or are you working at Home Depot? It's my own store. Where is it? It's in Van Nuys. Do you have a girlfriend? I have a wife, Marjorie. She's the love of my life. What does she do? She works there too.

It's fascinating. It's just nice to meet someone in Hollywood who does something... Who's just kind of normal. Yeah. How much money do you make every year? Well, that's a little personal, but I do... I make a comfortable living. Okay. Huh. All right, well, let's dig deeper. How would you describe Marjorie's pussy? I don't know if that's appropriate. Yeah.

It was just a callback from earlier. Yeah, it's just... I wasn't here. Oh, right. I forgot about that. All right, well, let's find out a little bit about your psychology. Why did you become a lumberman? Well, as I said, my father, Carl, it was his business, and then I took it over. You should call it Jack's Lumber. That's funny. All right, well...

This is... I don't know. Natasha, what do you think about this guy? Well, I'm just interested to get a little deeper. Okay, yeah. Let's pry. Let's probe. Time out. Oh, okay, so we're back to Harris? It's Harris again. How's it going? I'm really going for the subtle thing. It's maybe a bit too subtle, a little dry. Most of the characters who come in here have kind of a skewed point of view, which we exploit. Oh, okay.

Oh. Your character seems a little too normal. I was playing it very naturalistic, I think. I think we got that. Natasha? Yeah, he seemed pretty natural. Hmm. Yeah. Is there anything you could do to jazz it up? You know, put some bio-digital jazz in there? Maybe give him an accent. Yeah, that would be great. Okay. You want to try that? Okay, okay. So, time back in? Time in. Okay. This is Creek. Slam. Sit. Right. Hi, Jack. Hi.

Great to see you again. Thanks for dropping by. Thanks. Okay, this is a little better. This is a little better. So how's life at the lumberyard lately? It's good. Natasha? Do you like Martin Lawrence? I don't know who that is. What kind of TV do you watch? Anything on the big three networks. Aren't there four big networks now? Technically, Fox is sort of a mini network. VH1, Fuse.

And G4. All right, we're good. Yeah, this is a little better. I like this. See, he's not as normal. He had kind of a funny answer there. I like this. Time out. Okay, okay, Harris is back. I don't think that was going well. I'm going to go back to what I came in here to do. That was funny. It was a little bit funnier, Harris. You don't agree? It was just like goofier. I like the natural comedy. I'm going back to Jack. Creak, slam, sit. Hi, Jack. Hello. Hello.

Um, what'd you do last night, Jack? I went out to dinner with my wife, Marjorie. Well, where'd you go? Tony Roma's. What'd you have? Chicken. Seems like more of a rib place. If you're going by the menu. Hey, do you got any babies? I have three grown children. Really? How old are you? Fifty... Good answer. All right. How old is Marjorie? Fifty-seven. Okay, how long have you been married? Thirty years. Since you were...

27. 29. Yes. Right. She was 27. And what made you fall in love with Marjorie? Her sense of humor and how kind she is.

Okay, I gotta stop. Let's time out. Time out. This is going nowhere, Harris. What? But it's an art. He's purposely giving you the least thing. I don't think so. I just, I don't think you have any kind of imagination, Harris. I mean, first the foam corner and then this dud. I don't know if this is a dud. We haven't had the poll yet.

online to see if people liked it or not. I think people like subtle comedy. Subtle, I mean, I don't know that you can even call that comedy. Scott Harris has clearly put a lot of time into this. Yeah. What did you do to kind of create this character? He opened his mouth. And my brain and my heart. I don't know. I kind of just like took in, it's an amalgamation of like a bunch of different people. You know Lumberjack? No. No.

You know someone named Carl or Jack? No. Okay. But then I just see people walking around and I go, that'd be good. I'm just telling you how I create my thing. Okay. Okay. I don't know. I don't know, man. I feel free to go back and forth from Jack to Harris throughout the show, but I for one am not digging it. But we'll put the poll up. We'll put the poll up. Should Harris just do foam corner? Or stick to the character. Stick to the character or never be on the show again. Okay.

Okay, so, and vote from your heart, you know? Yeah. Whatever you truly feel, we want to know. It's not going to hurt your feelings, right? It absolutely will. All right, well, why don't we take a break here. When we come back, we'll have a little more Natasha Leggero. We'll have more of either Harris or Jack the Lumberjack. And this is Fly of the Conchords. We'll be right back with a little more CDR Radio. If you want me to, I can hang around with you.

If I only knew that's what you're into. You and him, him and you. If that's what you're into, him hanging round around you. You're hanging round. Yeah, you're there too. And if you want me to, I will take off all my clothes for you. I'll take off all my clothes for you.

If that's what you're into How about him in the nude If that's what you're into In the nude in front of you Is that what you'd want to view If it's cool with you I'll let you get naked too It could be a dream come true Providing that's what you are into Is that what you're into Him in you in the nude That's what he's prepared to do Is that the kind of thing that you think you might be into And then maybe later We'll get hot by the refrigerator

In the kitchen next to the pantry, I think that might be what you fancy. In the buff, being rude, doing stuff with the food, getting lewd with his food. We heard that's what you are into. And then on our next date...

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, it's Comedy Death Ray Radio. This is Hot Saucerman. And I'm here with comedian Natasha Leggero and person Harris Whittles. And... I'm back. I've D-rolled. Ha ha ha.

And we're getting to know him. We just had a disastrous first segment with Harris' debut of his new character. I don't mean to color the poll, but go to Earwolf.com slash blog. We'll have that poll up. And Natasha, I want to get to know you, you know, the same way that we got to know Jack there. Can there be a section to see if I come back on the Earwolf poll as well? Yes, definitely. You know what? You have a wide open invitation. Anytime you want to drop by. Okay, good.

Okay, I don't know that much about you, to be honest. I know you grew up somewhere else. I grew up in Illinois. Illinois, that's right. Yeah, yeah. And I live... Rockford, Illinois? That's where I'm from? Have you heard of it? Don't go back there. Oh, is that from a song? Yes. Rockford's like the city equivalent of this conversation. It may be Rockville, by the way, that I'm thinking of. Yeah, I think you are. Okay.

Rockford is a Cheap Trick album. Yes. Well, Rockford, Cheap Trick is from Rockford. Oh, that's right. So did you know them growing up? I would wait on them when I worked at the grocery store. Really? Rick Nielsen. They all still live there. Why would you wait tables at the grocery store? I mean, I would serve them. Oh, okay. Wait. Serve them what? You know, like whatever it's called when you're a cashier. Ringing them up. I would ring them up. Great interjection, Harris. Appreciate that.

So you were a cashier. Yeah. Oh, actually, I have this article from my hometown newspaper. Can I read it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It kind of illustrates why I never go home. My friend just sent me this, so I've been reading it to my friends. Oh, I love it. Yeah, I want to hear this. It's called Armless Woman Refused Service at McDonald's.

This is a real news story. This is from your hometown. Rockford Register Star. Okay. Rockford, Illinois woman Dawn Larson, who was born without arms, was refused service at a McDonald's drive-thru when the staff refused to let her take away her food with her feet. Larson pulled up to the first window, gave the cashier her credit card with her foot, and was told by the cashier, girl, you ain't got no arms. You can look that up.

That's where I'm from. Girl, you ain't got no arms. Yeah. And that is a refusal. Yeah. That's how they treat you there. Did that ever happen to you with any members of Cheap Trick when you were ringing them up at the...

No, I'm polite. I'm a lady. I've been to college. Where'd you go to college? I went to Hunter College. Oh, right. Well, that's where I got my degree. Right, right. A degree in what? Theater criticism. Really? Yeah! Now, what kind of stuff would you critique back then? We would go to the theater and write up reviews. So, Broadway. What'd you think of that motherfucking Moyer?

Moliere? Mm-hmm. I don't know that I ever reviewed Moliere. I do like Moliere. The Misanthrope? The Misanthrope is a good one. Tartuffe. Tartuffe? That's good, too. I can't believe you're a lumberjack and you know about Tartuffe. No, that wasn't the lumberjack. That was Harris. We all know Harris went to Harvard, and so he knows a lot about this kind of stuff. I didn't even know about Harvard. I didn't go there. Until I was like 20. Yeah, you did.

Really? No one got the... Yeah, and you're very sheltered in the Midwest. So no one's talking about Harvard when you went to... No one has any kind of expectation that you're even going to go. No, no one ever sat me down at high school. They just wanted me to work as a cashier probably for the rest of my life. Hmm.

But I live in L.A. now. Oh, we have this thing. I want to tell you about this thing we have now because I saw them this morning. Have you ever seen the gangsters outside painting? They have to paint. Painting over graffiti? Yeah, it's called the L.A. beautification. So when they get caught doing graffiti, they then have to paint over it? They make them put on a jumpsuit and go repaint over it. I wonder what's worse for them, the jumpsuit or the paint?

In what way? Putting paint over paint, you mean? No, but they've graffitied it. Yeah, but it's just like encouraging them to paint some more. Well, there's this thing now called the L.A. Gang Tours. What is that? Have you seen that? What do you mean? It's a tour bus that takes you to the most dangerous parts of L.A., and all the gangsters have agreed to a ceasefire. Around the bus? No, because they're taking you through comp. They're taking you to all these terrible places.

And the gangsters have all said that they won't shoot during this tour. It's $100 a seat. It's sold out through June. And I've been trying to get a seat because I just want to know who is on the bus. Because, you know, it's just a bunch of white people in safari outfits who want to look at minorities through bulletproof glass. Oh, Harold, ever since that NWA song, I have been dying to see Compton. Yeah.

Who comes with a bag of crack to feed them? Who is that? That's my impression of an old lady in binoculars. Do you think she knows Jack? Hey, Jack, are you here? Not us. Creek, not. No, Slam. Slam. Creek, Slam, Sit. Hi, Jack. Hello. Have you met, what is your name, ma'am? My name is Maude. Hello, Maude. How are you? I'm Jack, and I'm fine. It is great to meet you. You too. You too.

Well, Jack. Do you like lumber? You know, I have been asked that several times, and I would have to say no comment. You should really try it out. What do you mean try it out? I got a store. Why do you sell at that store? Well, lumber. Oh. Well, I think that could be really decent. Okay, yeah, and scene, boy. That could be a good improv where you just give each other nothing each time. It's hard to do.

It is hard to do. To absolutely be unentertaining. Can I just say that I'm really not making this up. This is an actual thing called the L.A. Gang Tour. Yeah.

And I just don't understand the idea of glorifying gang culture. Well, you know, some would say that some of the movies and the CDs that have come out over the years sort of glorify the culture. Right, but I mean, what do they do? All they do when they're not killing each other is they're spray painting their nicknames on your fence. You know when they're not killing each other? When those tours are rolling through there. So maybe...

Maybe it's a good thing. That's the solution. I guess. Let's get these tours 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day. Uh-huh. My brother's kind of a, well, he's a rapper, but he used to do a lot of graffiti. And so he told me that, like, for them, graffiti is like, he's like, you throw a fat fucking piece up there, that place is yours. I'm like, no one thinks you own Costco. Yeah.

Your brother sounds fast. We've talked about him a little bit. He's a rapper. He's actually really good. He's a good rapper. Right. He's really talented at graffiti. Like, I don't know what happened. What's his rap name? Nickname. What was his graffiti name? It's not Nicknamer.

It's Nickname. Nicknamer. He's good, though. That's like a Radiohead album. I'm going to play you guys his latest song when we go out. Okay, so when we go out, check out that. Now, Harris, we've learned a little bit about Natasha. Let's learn a little bit about you. Okay, well, actually, I brought someone here today.

When you say you brought someone, what do you mean by that? I mean, I brought, like, I guess a friend. Like a pet? No, I wouldn't say that. It's a person. A human being? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've actually been tutoring this guy. Well, where is he? Out in the waiting room? Yeah, he's out in the waiting room. Open up the door. Oh, okay. Creek. Open. Step. Step. Step. Oh, okay. Who is this? He looks familiar to me.

That, it should look familiar. He's pretty, uh, I guess he's pretty famous. This is actually George VI, King George VI. Wait, the famous king from England? That's right. Oh, hello, sir. Your Majesty, is that? You can call me, uh, you can, that's right. Your Highness, your king? Perfect. Your Highness, your king.

Your Majesty. Oh, okay. Well, welcome, Your Majesty. What brings you by the Earwolf Studios? Well, I'll explain. He's actually been trying to try his hand at stand-up comedy. Oh. And he came to me to kind of tutor him on it. How did you hear about Harris? I mean, it's kind of an unconventional choice to teach you about stand-up comedy. Um, I... Mm-hmm. That's right. Mm-hmm.

Oh, okay. Okay, let's try this. Yeah. Why don't we put some music on? Like pretty... Okay, you're going to try a joke? Is this a red... Is this a red... Is this... What? Red. Is this a red light? Yes. Red light meaning... Oh, are you on? Yes. Oh, yes, the red light. We're on.

So we're going to put on a song. No, no, no. Just have him try it first. Oh, okay. I would love to hear just kind of what happens when he just tries it on his own. All right. Did you hear the one about the man with five dicks?

The one about five dicks. Did you hear the one about the man with five dicks? No, your majesty. His pants fit like a glove. His pants fit like a glove. All right. His pants fit like a glove. That's funny. That's pretty. I have a voice. Yeah, you do. That's a good joke. You do have a voice. That's not bad. Pants fit like a glove. Did you write that joke, Harris?

No, he brought that to me. So he brought the material and you're... You're the performance coach. Yeah. Street joke, you say, Your Majesty? Street joke, take home joke. Okay. Now, so that's what happens when he just does it. Well, that's great. Congratulations. Well, it's very nice to meet you. Do not ponder to me. I knew it did not go well. You know, maybe it could have gone a little better. So, I mean, I would like to try the method that I...

I was talking about where, you know, you play a song. It will never work. Maybe. It will work. It will never work. God, he's so hard to deal with sometimes. How do you do this? It's a lot of patience. I hope you're getting paid well. Oh, I am. Fine, let's try it. All right. Now, Engineer Doug, if you could play a song and just, you know, if you don't hear yourself, then maybe it'll help you, you know, get it out. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of the dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, Damn, I wish I had a flashlight. The woman says, Me too. You've been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.

I can't bloody do it. You did it. You did it. That was it. You said it perfectly. We all heard it. Yeah, it was great. Now, Your Majesty the King, I did not do well. Do not treat me like a child. I'm going to send you... We record all these on old 45s, right? Yeah, very old 45s. I'll send you one, and you'll listen to it, trust me. But if you don't believe me... I will never be the king of comedy. You are the king. Is that what you're trying to achieve? One of the original kings of comedy? Yes. Yes.

Let's try this other thing. What? If you can't say it, maybe you could sing it. I know it's going to sound crazy, but just like if you sing it, I think it'll work. Like singing a joke, you mean? Yeah. Oh, like they did in the King's Speech when he sang his speech. I don't know what that is. Oh, okay.

For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow. A man phones in to work and says, I can't come in today, I'm sick. The boss says, how sick are you? Well, the man replies, you be the judge, I just fucked my retarded baby sister. That was pretty good. That was the best one so far. Yeah. You should always say your jokes. I should be able to do it without singing. No, it's funny to sing them. I'm not a troubadour. You're a chanteuse.

What? Isn't that a singer? That's kind of insulting to the king of old England. Sounds French. All right, well, that surely must be the last technique that you have. It is. It is. I'm fresh out of techniques. Well, you know, I mean, maybe at some point you'll be able to do it without singing, without music playing. I don't know. I will, in the rest of the show, I will try to add...

Ad... Ad... Ad... Ad... Ad... Adlib. Adlib. Adlib. Now, I've always heard it's very frustrating for someone who stutters to try to tell them what they're trying to say. They know what they're trying to say. So, like, you know... Do not try to tell me what I'm trying to say. Say. No! Say. No! Stop it! Stop it!

Staple Center. Trying to sit. Shaquille. She's trying to sit. Okay, great. Don't tell me what I'm trying to sit. Oh, boy. Natasha? Yeah. What do you got? Anything for King George? Well, you know, another technique you could do is you could, a lot of comics, you could just start saying fucker.

Oh, yeah, cursing. Cursing. In between the jokes. Cursing. Yeah. That's what Martin Lawrence kind of does. That's a little sophisticated for him. A motherfucking genie promises a fucking cunt nigger man two wishes. The man says, kike, shithore, cocksucker nigger. I wish I could be hard at all times.

And get faggots all the ass I want. The genie can't dike your wishes, my command. And poof, the fucking juggle bunny turns into a toilet. See, now we missed the whole joke. I'm a little confused about which of those curse words belonged in the joke and which didn't.

All right, well. He wanted it to be hot all the time and get all the acid he wanted into the toilet. Oh, wow. He's cured. I knew that would work. Natasha, you're a genius. I'm stepping aside as a comedy tutor. All right, so why don't we take a break? When we come back, we'll have a little more of Natasha Leggero, a little more Harris Whittles, and more of King George. This is The Girl on the Flying Trapeze. We'll be right back.

She's the girl on the flying trapeze.

Thank you.

She's the girl on the flying trapeze. She's the sweetest thing that's ever flown in with the breeze. And if you see her, tell her that I'm in love with her. She's the girl on the flying trapeze.

She's the girl on the flying trapeze. Whoa! When I close my eyes, I see her there swinging through my dreams. I want so bad to tell her, yeah, I really feel she's the girl on the flying trapeze.

Alright, this is Comedy Death Ray Radio. I am Hot Saucerman and we're here with Natasha Leggero, Harris Whittles, and King George the... Six. Sorry, I'm stuttering. The Six. Six. Yeah, it's very frustrating for me when you answer for me. Alright, a lot going on in the news this week.

specifically the entertainment news. There's a fellow named Charlie Sheen. Maybe you guys have heard of him who is out there broing out and being crazy, right?

Right, Natasha? I think he's in the midst of a manic episode. And he just happened to do a self-appointed press junket during his manic episode. So he's been doing a lot of press lately. And what I thought was really interesting, I kind of wondered if this was the first time in history, entertainment history at least, that something like this had ever happened before.

And I found out that no, it is not. I actually was digging through previous episodes of Comedy Death Ray Radio from the 40s when my grandfather used to do it. And my grandfather, Scott, of course, we all know I am hot saucerman. But Scott Aukerman used to –

Scott Aukerman I, he used to host the show. And back in 1949, I found this clip of an interview he did with Jimmy Stewart. Take a listen to this interview here. Hi, welcome to Comedy Death Ray Radio. Today we have Jimmy Stewart on the show to address the controversy between him and Frank Capra on the set of It's a Wonderful Life.

I don't know what a controversy there is. I'm just hitting my marks and delivering gold. I have a focus of a Vatican assassin, Scott. Tiger blood. Duh.

A wedding? Well, Jimmy, Capra says that you come to work every day hungover from having partied all night. Oh, Capra. Frank Capra, more like Franco Caprolini. You know what I mean? He's a headdigger. He's a wop. He's a mozzarella head. He's a spaghetti sucker.

Sure, I've been partying about that because I live in a different terrestrial realm than you. I'm a warlock. I'm a grand wizard master. Aren't you worried, though, that your behavior will keep its wonderful life from being completed? It'll be complete if I have to do it myself. That Dago can't stop me. I'm a heat-seeking missile. I will destroy you. Defeat is not an option. Duh. Winning. Oh.

Winner! I can turn Capra's tin cans into pure gold. I love with violence and I hate with violence. Resentment is the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber. It fuels my battle cry to my deadly and dangerous secret and silent soldiers because they're all around you. You think you only mess with one dude? Sorry. No.

I'm waiting. Wow. I can't believe you found that. I can't believe I even thought to look for it, let alone find it. King George, what did you think about that? I found it very entertaining. Entertaining, yes. Now, enter the door and close it. Okay. I found it very into the door and close it.

I like the spirit. He says all the things that we are afraid to say. That we're what? Afraid to say. That's right. Well, I don't know. It's just funny to me. What do you think is funny about it? Just like the crashing and burning of a man. Well, do you think he's crashing and burning? Some might say he's more popular than ever.

Yeah, but for like the – and he's low-handing out a little. Like it's not a good type of publicity. Well, I don't know. I mean if three weeks ago he had joined Twitter, he never would have gotten a million followers. But the promise of him kind of just like being real. Well, that's like what's the mark of success? Is it Twitter followers or is it nasal cartilage and the ability to live? Yeah.

That is an excellent point. Thank you. The ability to live makes you a success. I mean, then you would say almost everyone on the planet is a success. That's a beautiful way to look at it, Scott. Oh, man. I don't think he's on cocaine. You got... That is crazy. I think he's just on Adderall or something. Well, Adderall essentially is that. Have you ever tried Adderall? Yeah. That amps you up. Yeah. Try that with alcohol. I do. It's fun. Yeah.

Every night. It's like you party while you make a to-do list. And then you do all the stuff on the to-do list. What's the deal with your drug usage? What is your drug? Well, I took a lot of mushrooms on New Year's Eve at a fish concert. Where did you take them? It was at Fish. Where did you take them? This is Madison Square Garden. You went to a fish concert? I went to three fish concerts.

I didn't know you were into fish. You didn't know Harris is into fish. This is an important part of his character. Yeah. It's a big part of who I am. I've seen them 60 times. No. Yeah.

Really? Yeah, it's insane. I don't understand that kind of music where you just kind of like, there's no songs, you just kind of follow the music. There's songs. I think it has a bad... Where do you follow them to? It's just like this, like, it's like a jam band, right? Yeah, they kind of jam out and they just sort of like noodle around and they go... God damn, I don't want to turn this into... Why are there noodles in the music? Oh. See, now...

Paris, I'm not judging you. I would like to actually experience it. I've never seen it. I'll take you to a show. There's a few Grateful Dead songs I like. Half Full of Rain, is that what it's called? Box, box. Box of Rain, that's a nice one. I like when there's songs. All fish songs are songs. They just, like, were in a regular song, someone would have a guitar solo. They have 24. Yeah, they just do that for a long time. And then what do you do while they're doing it? You be on mushrooms. Oh.

You be on mushrooms? And that helps you in what way? Do you think? Is it like being stoned? Like, does your mind open? I've gone to concerts just like stoned too. I also went like to 20 of them sober because I was like, I just want to hear the music. And then it was like, ah, fuck it.

But I do really like them. Do you follow the actual tour bus on the interstate? No, you just go from city to city. I don't think most people actually follow the actual bus. That's what I always think. Honking at it the entire way. Some people follow them and don't even go to the concerts. They're just following them. That is true. People just hang out on the lot and sell grilled cheese sandwiches. That's what my brother did. Really? He sold grilled cheese at the Grateful Dead. Yeah, one, two, three, two, four, five.

Ganja goo balls. That's another thing. Because they can't afford always to get into the show because that would be a lot of money, right? Right. And none of them do anything with their lives ever. So they just follow them around. Would you say that out of every single fish head that has ever existed, you are the most successful? Well, actually, I'd say... And I don't mean nasal cartilage and being alive. Here's what I'll say. I mean monetarily. I would say...

Bill Walton, Luke Walton, right? He's a big... Who is he? He's on the Lakers. Never heard of him. Okay. Fred Savage, I saw him. I did see him at a fish show. Just one, though? Well, he likes them a lot. Do they have box seats for the successful fish fans? No, he was right next to me and my friends. So Fred Savage gets into fish. Why would you want to sit in a box?

So say Fred Savage gets into Phish, right? He has to go to a concert knowing that he's got to be next to a bunch of shirtless dudes who are on mushrooms. Who are going to recognize him from the Wonder Years. You think he'd want a VIP Phish section. Right, right. Yeah, I don't know. There's only two people with jobs, though. I think the people are pretty nice at those shows, and they don't really bother him. My friends actually were bothering him, and he moved. Yeah.

Your friends were probably the coolest people there. Thank you. Wow, that was really nice. I'm sorry. I have a very negative view of that band.

I should open my mind. Can we play a song? Conan O'Brien, he likes him. I saw him at a fish show once. There's a big difference between seeing someone at a fish show. He's been to a few. I think he actually likes them. Okay. Let's hear... Such a feral mix of people, though. Engineer Doug, you have something... You need to run what song you're going to play.

play by no no no we're just gonna play whatever comes up every band you like is a shitty song there's gonna be slapping bass i already feel all right here we go slapping bass this is fish with waste live waste it's like a fucking ballad this is a piss break song for me you have to piss a lot when you uh go see fish

Is that par for the course? How can you break your piss? Can we hear another song? I can't believe this is the one that is chosen. All right, whatever. It's not that bad. Girls like this song. I could do without the hurrah in me. Hurrah! Turn it a bit octagonal.

Don't what? What? Ew. Oh, dear. Who's writing this? They write on mushrooms. Okay.

Can I call, can I time out? Okay, time out. That was the worst lyric I've ever heard in my life. Give me three other songs that are on there because that's really not representative of what they do. Well, I'll tell you what, let's do jukebox jury with this. So Natasha, what do you like? What would you, how would you critique that, being a theater critic? I would say that makes me wish I, I don't know, had Archer's Syndrome. Do you know what that is? No, what is it? Where you immediately go deaf.

Whenever you hear something that's unpleasant. I would like her to hear a song that... Hold on, we're still critiquing this one. King George?

What was the name of it? Waste. That's what I thought it was. Oh, snap. Those are bad lyrics, though. So hold on. Do we have a Natasha? Do you give it mustard? That's what I was saying. That's their fucking ballad. It's stupid. Do you give it mustard or pants? I would say pants, but I do want to hear a good fish song. Okay, so pants, King George. Mustard. Mustard, and then Harris, what do you got? I got to defend it. Mustard or pants. Okay, what does Jack think about it? Slam.

Hi, Jack. Would you give that mustard a pants? I thought it was pretty. Okay, great. All right, so let's get Harris back here, and then we'll do... Which one? What do we have next, Engineer Doug? This is Ghost. Parentheses Jam. All right. You forgot to say that. That was very important. Reminds me of a state fair. They can play. Oh.

This is like that Seinfeld bass. Is this the same guy who did the Seinfeld theme song? I would rather listen to this than the Red Hot Chili Peppers, though. This is actually a very good sound. I can see how you can get into the jam. It's like jazz or something. It repeats the motifs. That's a little gay. Yeah, that's spacey, though. If you're like...

Whatever. You don't have to be fucked up to like it, but if you are fucked up, then you like it. I could see how you could connect to that music. Yeah. You could connect to that music. You could.

I don't know. What music do you jam to? I think in order for me to like something, it has to have some pop structure. Like a hook and a chorus? A hook and a chorus, but nothing that's overproduced, like all the music now. Oh, so all the compression and the... Whatever they're doing in music. Autotune, automatic tuning. Yeah, I like something that's kind of raw with guitars and has some...

A hook. Uh-huh. Raw guitars and hook. So what is your favorite? My favorite what? What's your favorite band that's not like the Beatles or something? I don't think I mean I think What's your favorite song? Nobody has a favorite song. Okay. Well I do. I mean there's two kinds of music good music and bad music. What's your favorite song? My favorite song is Bad Dance. We all know that.

From the Batman soundtrack? The one person I would go see is Morrissey, and I know that does not explain, that doesn't really. Okay, let's get a Morrissey song, and then Harris can critique that, just to be fair. But the Smiths would be the best. I like the Smiths, so I wish it would, who do you like that I hate? Let's do that. We probably have similar taste in music. Right, we both love fish. Other than the fish.

I don't love fish. Oh. It's a weird thing about you, Harris, that most people who know you, it's very surprising. Yeah, well... That you like something so shitty. Ha!

You have such great taste in everything but jokes and music. No, but those lyrics... For the two things that comprise who I am. Those lyrics, Harris, those were wretched. Well, yeah, I'm not going to defend those lyrics. I think that's a pretty, like, whatever. You should have been singing about being the last of the international playboys. That's like... That's not bad. Okay, if you...

If you were to say, like, if you were to introduce someone to the Beatles and then Doug played fucking Octopus's Garden, that would have been the equivalent of that. So you're saying that Octopus's Garden is what, a bad song? It's not a great Beatles song. That's my second favorite song. It goes, bat dance, then Octopus's Garden. Well, we should be talking about your weird taste in music, then bat dance and Octopus's Garden. And do the Bartman. Those are the three, the triumvirate.

I'd say my favorite song is the Macarena. Really? That's a great one. It's my favorite dance. Do people really have favorite songs? Yeah, I think so. King George, what do you got? Who let the dogs out? Out? Out? Out?

Out. Out. Ouch. Who Let the Dogs Out is your favorite song. I haven't heard that one. It's a follow-up parody of Who Let the Dogs Out. So it's in the middle of singing Who Let the Dogs Out, the singer stubs his toe? Yes, it's hilarious. All right. Well, we've learned a lot about everyone's music. Ouch. That's good. Yeah, yeah.

All right. So what did we give that last one? Mustard or pants, by the way? Tell me what mustard is. Mustard or pants. Just pants. Pants and King George? Mustard. Pants. Harris, we know what you give it. Yeah. Can we hear? I like when Doug votes because he says mustard with a Z. Okay. Let's hear it. Mustard. Mustard. Mustard.

Why do you say it that way, Doug? Because I like mustard. Was it Oscar-worthy? All right, so why don't we take a break? When we come back, we'll play a little game. This is Natasha Leggero, Harris Whittles, and King George VI. Yes, and actually, let's play this one. All right, so this is Comedy Death Radio. We'll be right back. I'm being serious. Yo! Yo!

It's the Wild Wild West You came to the right place my man Get ready, here we go New shit, welcome friends to the old saloon Everyone in town is hanging out If you got a drink, well you drink it down

Then we'll all go have some brand new. Hello, Bill. I just rode into town on my horse. You betcha on my horse. That's the thing in the old best times. Everybody enjoys a good horse. You cheat on cards, you'll get thrown out. Right out the saloon door, it's on your pocket. Come back in and buy a round of whiskey. Guess what? Forgive me. DJ Lame.

Lambert and Jane, and you're another guy that's probably an agent. This whiskey is warm and warm like this. My dad smells like piss. So that's a story, I can see you do it. The whole Wild West is no place for a lady. I'm the bartender, but I'm also the mayor. So just put that in your pocket. Tiny Boy's Christmas is sure to...

That is The Lonely Island, and this is Comedy Death Row Radio. I am Hot Saucerman. This is Natasha Leggero, Harris Whittles, King George VI, and I think it's time to play a little Would You Rather. Oh, is this for me? Is this for me? Is this for me? That's your cell phone. Make a speech. Go make a speech. Where's the red light? Oh.

All right, we all know how this is played. People send us would-you-rather scenarios on our new Twitter account. It's at CDRWIR. And I will read them, and then I will open the floor for questions. And then I will close the floor, then we'll vote, and we'll tally up the points. That's pretty self-explanatory, right? Got it. Have you played this before? Yep. When you had me two years ago as a guest. Oh, come on now.

You know I've been trying to get you back on this show. Oh yeah, that's true. I forgot. You're very busy. I'm traveling a lot. After Last Comic Standing, your touring exploded. I've been touring the provinces. Is that what they're called? You're going to Providence, Rhode Island. I'm giving the rubes a laugh and getting out. It's the worst. Are you on the road a lot now? Not right now, but I was for a while. Now I'm taking a break. I'm in town. Do you bring a feature act with you? I do.

Why, do you want to come sometime? You'd be perfect. Sure, let's do it. I mean, not that you should be featuring, but... I could... No, not you. All right, so first comes to us from J. Dallas Razzo, Josh Dallas Razzo, who asks, would you rather be the new lead singer of the Beatles or eat a shrimp when anyone says the word manager?

Would you rather be the new lead singer of the Beatles or eat a shrimp when anyone says the word manager? I am opening the floor for questions right. I'm sorry. I'm going to have to dock you points for that, Harris, for asking before the floor was opened. That's fine. Right now. Okay. Question. Question. Yes, Harris. Or is this Jack? Is this when anyone that I hear –

Says manager or anyone in the world at any time says manager, I have to eat a shrimp. Great question. Unfortunately, it's anytime anyone in the world says manager. Oh, so that could be upwards of 3,000 shrimp at any moment. It could be, but this is only English-speaking countries. So one would assume Canada, the United States of America. Certain parts of other countries have little English-speaking hovels in them. But...

So to answer your question, before King George steps in here. It's all English speaking. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Other questions? Or were you just clearing your throat? Great Britain, perhaps. Yes. Oh, okay. Yes. Great Britain would be. That's not really a question.

Natasha, yes. Well, I love shrimp. However... It's not a question, but go on. Oh, I was going to give my answer. Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, I'm so very sorry. If you do that, we will have to... It'll be a forfeit. Oh. Yeah. And I would like to do that. If I were to be... I don't want to play this game. No, no, it's very funny. It's just a tough one. If I were to be the new...

Singer for the Beatles? Yes, the Beatles. Oh, I remember how it goes now. Yes. Would my stammer make the songs longer? No, they would write their new songs. Of course, if you were the lead singer of the new Beatles, they wouldn't just rest on their laurels and go around touring old songs. They would write new songs, and they would write the songs long enough to incorporate your stammers. It's almost like what Phish does. I want to hold...

You know, Trey's guitar solos or whatever the fuck he does, they're a lot like stammers. And the band Fish just sort of writes around them. So when I stammer, it's really noodling. Yeah, exactly. So a lot of the songs would incorporate those into it. So have no fear. I have a question. Yes, Natasha, the floor recognizes. Is this shrimp...

18 count per pound or 24 count per pound? Great question, 18. I was wondering if you were going to ask that. So they're smaller. Yeah, they're smaller shrimps, so take that into account. Can I peel them? Great question. You do have to peel them, yes. They're not pre-peeled. No, and you would have to de-brine them as well if you're into that unless you want to eat a lot of shrimp poo. Would Linda McCartney be playing Triangle?

Great question. She would come back to life. Oh, she's dead. Linda McCartney? Yes.

She would come back to life, and Paul would be very grateful because he has been without her for so long. And she would be relegated to the triangle, and you would be singing. I wouldn't be upstaged by her triangle. No, no, no, no, no. And her, what's it called, her rebirth? Or what is it called when you rise from the dead? Her, yeah, rejuvenation, I guess.

I guess, or... What's it called? Reanimation. Thank you. You would not be upstaged by that. She would literally be downstage of you. Okay, that's good to know. If the shrimp, would I be able to dip it in cock? Cock! Tail sauce? Cock! Tail sauce? No, just cock. Would I be able to dip it into cock? Oh, absolutely, yeah. Martin Lawrence would get in there, too, and there'd be some corn on that shrimp, and yeah, everything would be... Shrimp!

Harris? Well, we'd still be a member short if we were getting the Beatles back together, it seems. No, no, no. You'd have you as the lead singer. Yeah. You'd have Poe, the cute one.

You'd have Ringo, the drummer, and you'd have Linda playing triangle. Well, if Linda can come back from the dead, why can't John? Oh, no, no, no. Linda's replacing George? That's a ridiculous question. Come on. Come on, Natasha. Can we get... I'm sorry. Can we get Pete Best back in, or does Ringo have to... That's a great question. Yeah, Pete Best comes back in. Billy Preston! Billy Preston's in there, too. He was the fifth Beatle. You know?

So you have, okay, what's the lineup? You got Ringo and Pete Best doing double drums, almost like the Foo Fighters when Dave Grohl would get behind the kid. Or like the Grateful Dead. George Burns. You'd have George Burns from the Sgt. Pepper movie. He'd be in there. You'd have Billy Preston on organ, Linda McCartney on triangle, Paul on bass.

And then whoever you are singing. This sounds like a hot mess. And are we singing new songs that we help write or are we just redoing some old songs? No, in fact, you will not play any of your old catalog because you're the new Beatles. Oh, it's all new songs. All new songs. You're billed as the new Beatles. Like the new cars. Yeah, exactly. With Todd Rundgren singing instead. Yeah, so it's a great band and everyone goes to see their first tour.

Oh, wow. This is a really hard question. It is. It is because, you know, two great choices. Any other questions on either the eating a shrimp about manager or the Beatles? Does it have to be like any kind of manager, like the manager of a gift shop or just like Hollywood kind of managers? Great question. It's any kind of manager and anytime anyone says one. Because there's a lot of self-appointed managers. What if someone's saying manager sarcastic? Yeah.

No, that does not count. You're right. If they're saying, who's your manager? Do we have to eat anything if someone says manger? Around Christmas time, that could be a problem. So, yeah, I would say no. All right, I'm going to close the floor for questions, and it is closed. And now let's go around the horn and see how you vote. Natasha, how do you like to vote? Which one would I rather do? That is essentially how you play the game, yes. I would rather, I think, I mean, I have to say I'd rather be in the Beatles. In the new Beatles? Yeah. And why is that?

Because I like shrimp, but I could just buy my own. Right. And eat it whenever I want. And eat less of it. And eat less of it and then not get sick of it. And not have to, you know, be around when...

People are talking about their manager. That's an interesting way to vote. Unfortunately, there is no shrimp in this world when you're the singer of the New Beatles. Oh. You didn't ask that question. Oh. Sorry. Can I go back? No, unfortunately, you've already voted. Harris, how do you like to vote? Oh, man. Well, that's a game changer. You can't be in the Beatles without shrimp. Hey, you can't use that, man. That's mine. What? I thought I could. That is mine. Oh, okay. Only you can use it. Yeah. Well, I don't want to live in a shrimpless world. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

I guess I'm going to say shrimp. I'm going to eat the shrimp whenever someone says manager because I feel like I never get tired of shrimp. It's one of America's great finger foods. I'd say the greatest. And I think that being forced to eat it is already a sexual fetish of mine. So you're walking around with a boner all day. Well, yeah, exactly. Just like 24-7 Bonesville.

I love that REM song. Don't go back to Bonesville. Show running the TV show Bones. Okay, great. And King George VI. Eat a shrimp every time someone says mangy dog. Every time someone says mangy dog, I will eat shrimp. Why is that?

Because I am the king of England, and with that power, I can disband the Beatles. The new Beatles. The new Beatles. I have that power. All right. So we have one for the Beatles, two for manager. Okay. Let's tally up the points. Harris, I had to dock you. Natasha, you voted incorrectly. King George, you are the winner of that round. I'm the king. We have one more question.

This comes to us from Jesse Sachs, or Socks, I'm not sure. Balls. Is it spelled S-O-C-K-S? No, it's S-A-C-H-S. Oh, because then it would be Socks. Right, I think it's Socks. Jesse asks, would you rather be John Belushi's ghost or Jim Belushi's couch? All right, let's open up the floor for questions. Would the ghost be played by Chickas? Yes.

So wait, you're asking if you would be a ghost played by Chiklis. I don't know how that makes any sense, but yes. Yes, it would. But he would be portraying it in his Three Stooges curly makeup. Yeah. From the TV movie The Three Stooges. Harris? Is this the couch in Jim's dressing room or at home? This is the couch...

on the set of his TV show that he takes with him. Does he still have that TV show? Yeah. No, he's on The Defenders now, but he took the couch with him. Same couch from According to Jim. Yeah, a lot of people don't notice that. Like, you know how... No one's talking about it. Let's talk about it then. He brought his couch from According to Jim to The Defenders. You know how in All in the Family they donated that couch to the Smithsonian? Yeah. Or the chair? Mm-hmm. Jim Belushi, the Smithsonian asked him for that couch, and he said, no, I need it on The Defenders. Playing hardball on that, huh? Yeah, but...

If I was the couch, would I be able to keep the change that fell into the cushions? Great question. Yes, you'd keep all of Jim Belushi's extra Blues Brothers money that falls out of his pockets. You'd be able to keep it and then spend it at wherever. Okay. Well, building on that, is it a couch that's the size of the couch that was in Gallagher's old special where he jumped on the giant couch? And if so, could I keep the giant potato chip?

and crayon that he found in that cushion. Great questions to answer them both. A, no. B, yes. Great. Would the ghost be changed from, you know, like, did he learn from his mistakes? That's great. Or is he just exactly like he was in the 80s? Like a Christmas Carol type thing where he comes back after having viewed what he did wrong. Like, am I going to have to be a big, yeah.

If a ghost does cocaine, does it fall through his nose? Well, see, in Harris' view of is he a success, he is not on both levels. He has no nasal cartilage and he is not alive. So he has to live with himself being unsuccessful in that regard. But he does learn from his mistakes, yes. He is able to, as a ghost, travel from plane to plane and room to room

and use what he learned in order to try to make his loved ones better people. And can other people see him? Occasionally. I have a question. Yes. Can I, as the ghost of John Belushi, show my brother Jim Belushi that I am present by sliding a penny up a door and then slow dancing with him?

Great question. I was wondering when you were going to ask that. That is the only way that Jim Belushi will ever acknowledge your existence. Is by – Is by slow dancing. Yeah, penny slow dancing. I have to constantly slow dance with my brother, Jim. Well, you have to constantly do the penny as well. Oh, God.

every time that you want to talk to Jim. So eventually you just go, you know what, Jim, as great as he is, he's got a great couch, a lot of Blues Brothers money falling out, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. This whole Penny slow dancing shtick is just really getting old. Yeah, so that is part of this, unfortunately, you lose touch with your brother, Jim. Ooh, that's a plus. Any other questions here on any of the, Natasha, you look like you have something on your mind. I mean, I just, it's, it's, uh... Is the ghost wearing...

A toga, which would be confusing since ghosts dress in sheets. Normally wear sheets. But Belushi had a toga. Yeah, that is a great quote. From Animal House, he was wearing a toga. So it would be a toga over a sheet? Yeah, he wears both. Yeah, he wears a toga over a sheet, and then when people say, hey, aren't you from Animal House? He takes off the toga, and people go, ah, it's a ghost.

Does that make sense? It's a good strategy. It really is. Natasha? If I'm John Belushi, can I go back to SNL? Yes, of course. In fact, you're so popular on it that Lorne Michaels institutes a only ghosts policy on SNL. So you have the ghost of John Belushi. Can I fuck the ghost of Gildan Ratner? By all means. You're expected to. Finally. So Gild is back. John's back.

You know, you got... Terry Sweeney. Terry Sweeney's back. Dana Carvey's back. Victoria Jackson. Victoria Jackson's back. The ghost of her sense of humor. A. Whitney Brown. A. Whitney Brown's there.

Yeah, it's a good... How about Nora Dunn? Nora Dunn's back. Anyone who is dead now is back. Ellen Cleghorn? Cleghorn's back. Yeah, they're all back. Okay. All right, so I'm going to close the... Oh, you have one more? Ellen Cleghorn is back? Ellen Cleghorn is back, yes. So that maybe mitigates it a little bit for you. All right, closing the floor for questions. Let's start with Harris. How do you like to vote? Um...

God, who wants to be a couch? I'll go with... I'm going to be the ghost. He gets to go back and fucking... Go back to SNL and everything. With Cleggs. With Cleggs. Yep. All right, Natasha, how do you like to vote? It just seems too painful to be Belushi. So I'm going to have to say...

The couch. Couching it up? I'm just going to be a couch. I wish I asked if you have the brain that you have now as the couch. Because you could just relax. Unfortunately, you have a bigger brain.

Oh, you're the couch? Yeah, couch-sized brain. You have more self-awareness. Yeah. But you're a couch. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's not like the dinosaurs where they had a peanut-sized brain. You have a giant couch-sized brain. You're actually the smartest sentient being in the world when you're the couch. Oh, my God. Because you have a couch-sized brain. I'm just going to say the couch because I feel like... Did you hear what he just said, Natasha? Yeah, but whenever you guess the one that it's supposed to be, then he says it's wrong. I don't know that that's true. I mean, it's just...

It is what it is. Okay, King George, how do you like to vote? I'm going to be the couch because I cannot stand Ellen Kling. Oh, wow. I'm getting a strong feeling on that. All right, let's tally up the points on that. We had two for the couch, and unfortunately the ghost was the right answer on that. So, Harris, you have won that round. Woo! Woo!

And King George, because Harris answered or asked that question too quickly, he was disqualified and got minus a million points for that. Yes! That still puts me over by a million. I had two million. You had two million, but then you're minus a million, but he got one right, so it's one million and one. Forgot about that.

So congratulations, King George. I am the king. You won again? I am the king. He's the big winner. And that is how you play Would You Rather. This is for me. Defend the moat! Defend the moat!

All right, and that is going to do it for this show, other than, of course, the most popular segment, the one that Harris loves so much. It is time for a little thing we call plugs.

That was a nice one. Who wrote that? That is submitted by Alec Ogston. That was good, Alec. That was great. We've had some really good plug songs lately. Of course, if you have one, please submit it to our...

page, Comedy Death Ray Radio's Facebook page under the plugs thread in the discussion forums. And let's go around the horn. What do you have, Natasha? What do you have coming up? Well, I do do my own podcast called The Lavender Hour. The Lavender Hour with Duncan Trussell. Very funny and charming podcast. It's a salon-style super show where we get into conversation. Mostly, Duncan talks about the singularity. You don't have to explain it. Salon-style super shows. Okay, good. Now,

Now, it's really funny. Do you have guests or is it always just kind of the two of you? We have guests. We had Reggie Watts a couple weeks ago and Tim Heidecker and we've had a lot of guests. And you guys are kind of rising up the charts I saw this week. You're getting more and more popular and more people listening to it. Yes, and we have very articulate fans.

Really? That's fantastic. It's amazing. I've never seen such an intelligent message board. Oh, well, come on by the... LavenderHour.com. Come on by the Earwolf message board sometimes. Yeah, seriously. You'll see how the other half lives. Fucking third world country. No, I love our fans. I actually enjoy our message boards. Harris, oh, is that all you wanted to plug? Oh, and I have a special coming up on Comedy Central. Really? March 25th.

March 25th, and what's it called? It is, well, my album is called Coke Money, and that drops the same day. And then the special is just me, Natasha. Just me, Natasha? Is it a present? Yes. Nice. Fantastic. Do you know who you're paired with? Or who's going up that? Do you know? No. Okay. Harris, what do you got? Knock. Knock.

Uh-oh. Slam. You should oil that door. Hey, Jack. Carl's lumber. Okay, I'm out of here. And then he's gone, Harris. Okay, hey, Harris. Okay.

Harris is stealthy, the silent killer. I go in through the window. Oh, my band, Don't Stop, Roll Die, who you play sometimes on this show. I like that band. Paul Rost and Mike Cassidy, thank you. Endorsed by Natasha just now. We're playing at the Meltdown Gallery, our own show, on Saturday, April 23rd.

We'll have some special guests and stuff. There's a lot of time to prepare for that. Yeah, which we'll need. Talk about power, pop, and great hooks. Thank you. Yeah, it's very strange that you're in a good band and the band that you like so much is so terrible. Right. Well, they're our biggest influence, so I guess you like fish. Paul Russ doesn't like fish. Loves them. That's not true. I can't throw him under the rug.

So there's that. April 23rd, Meltdown Gallery. And then also Humblebrag. Follow that on Twitter. And do you have anything to do with that? No, I'm just a fan. I'm a fan, too. That thing's hilarious. Great stuff. All right, King George, what do you have? I will be middling on the road for Natasha. I don't think that's going to happen. No, darling, darling, that's not going to happen. We'll see.

And I'm on a weekly show called The Back Room on yaoi.com. You can find out more about it on...

Matt Besser? Besser Moroccan. Okay. MattBesser.com, I would imagine. Yes. Okay. Yes. Twitter at Matt Besser. I have a lot of plugs on Florida. I usually have nothing, but I have a ton of shows coming up, so I do want to talk about. Tonight, March 14th, if you're listening to this on March 14th, you may be listening to it in the future, I'm doing a show that Natasha's in.

Tom Lennon and Ben Garant show at CineFamily. It's part of the Comedy Death Ray movie series. We'll be showing something that has never been seen before. Our pilot... Oh, you can't say what it is. I'm so sorry. A pilot will be dropping you off from your private jet. Is there a helipad in a space? And then I have some South by Southwest shows coming up this Saturday, March 12th. We have two Comedy Death Ray shows. This Sunday...

March 13th, Comedy Death Ray Radio taping at Esther's Follies in Austin at 6 p.m. And I have a great guest. And there is a clue hidden in this show about who the guest is.

And I can't say who it is yet, but it's fantastic. I've been trying to have him on the show since the beginning. And then I'm doing another show, another Comedy Death Ray show at the IFC Lounge on Tuesday, March 14th. Sorry, Tuesday, March 15th. And then if you're in Chicago, we're doing a Comedy Death Ray with Patton Oswalt and Joe Mandy and Dan Telfer. I'm hosting Friday, March 14th.

Friday, March 18th at C2E2, the Comic Con. Just announced doing Sasquatch, the Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins show. Tickets are sold out, but we will be doing that. And you can see me on IFC this week with Andy Dick. And that's it. We did it. I gotta say, Scott, that was the best round of plugs.

I've ever heard. Are you going on, you're going on a real tour? A mini, yeah, like a little mini thing, yeah. That's cool. So, yeah, you know, come out and say hi. Sasquatch is awesome. Yeah, I've never been. That's the one in Seattle, right? The Gorge. The Gorge, yeah. And there's an amazing musical festival that happens where you get to like watch from the stage. Yeah, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it and Paul and I have something special planned for it. It's going to be really fun. And I want to thank my guest, Natasha. Thank you so much for coming back. It's been two years. Thanks for having me. And it really hasn't been. Yeah.

And I know I've been gone. So great to be back. Harris. I can't wait to see which way the polls go. Yeah. And next time you see me, if it'll be phone corner lumberjack. Or if at all. Or that's another option. Yeah. Sure. And King George, thank you so much. It's good. It was good to be black. Black? Is that what you wanted to say? It's good to be black? It's good to be black.

I'm proud to be black, y'all. It's a fact, y'all. All right, guys. Thank you so much. And that's it. And next week, we'll be doing the live South by Southwest show. That'll drop on Monday with the special guests. So we'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye-bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com.

EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead.

Want to hear Earwolf Pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you. Earwolf Presents is full of great stuff, like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peeks behind the paywall, and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes here at Earwolf. Starting January 21st, Earwolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you, like Edgar Montplaisir's The Wokest,

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lacheya. Also, hear upcoming pilots, the Florida cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This Week in Sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Earwolf Presents. Subscribe to Earwolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera or Act 1 of Matt Besser's punk musical Stolen Idea.

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