Jack Quaid, Tawny Newsome, Ben Rodgers
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Don't be a nuclear reactor, be a nuclear pro actor. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thanks to Skip Intro for that catchphrase submission. Skip Intro, my good friend Skip Intro. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. Special July edition. We're doing special July editions this July. Where basically everything in the show is sort of related to the month of July. Mainly in the sense of...

They occur during July and they come out during July. Special July month on Comedy Bang Bang here. And we're very excited to have it. Coming up a little later, we have a photographer. We also have a supermodel. And before we get to them, my name is Scott Aukerman, by the way. Before we get to them, I want to bring out two of our favorite guests. Yeah. Does that surprise you to be complimented? Yes.

Really? It really does. Usually people neg you and it works? You do. Does it work? If by people you mean just you, yes. Just me? I'm the only one who treats you like this? Yeah, and it works great. Okay. We have a wonderful relationship. We're very close. I'm happy to be here. They are the, I guess, co-leads of...

what are you on the call sheet? You want to work this out? No, I'm going to say Tawny's the lead of the show. There's no call sheet. There's no call sheet because you just get told where to go. We all just show up. Everyone's number one. But you did do the live action ones and you had to be on the call sheet then. I think I was number 74. We were both level.

We were both, we're coming in. That'd be crazy. A guest star comes in as number one on the call sheet. That's crazy. We had so many people on the comedy bang bang TV show that people would be sometimes like 986 because we didn't have a regular cast.

And much to the detriment of the budget, I would bring in new people to do like random two line roles. And so people would get there and go, is this for real? Yeah. Are you just trying to psych me out? Yeah. That's a wrap on number 937. But they are the co-leads of the television program. I like to call it animated, which is entitled Star Trek Lower Decks, which is on.

ye olde Paramount Plus. One of the oldest streaming services around. Yeah. Currently in talks to be sold to Skydance. And that's what we are here to talk about. Yes, you want to talk about the deal. Everyone wants to know our thoughts on the deal. Yeah, we've been put out in front. Yeah. We have our points. We have our talking points. We don't even need them because we know the details so well. Front to back. Yeah, we don't need talking points. But they play Mariner and the

little guy. He's normal sized. Yeah. Mariner and the little guy. Normal to medium sized people. Yeah. I think they're both average. They're both average. That's what I mean. They're average. Yeah. They're both so average. They're two average characters. But my name is the little guy. The little guy. Mariner's a little friend. Uh-huh. Ah!

On Star Trek Lower Decks, please welcome back Jack Quaid, Tawny Newsome. Hello. Hello. And now we're in the room. Now you're here. Now we're here. Jack, I have to ask you, a lot of people, they go on to these podcasts. Here's the hierarchy of podcasts. Oh, please tell me. Podcast guests. I need to know. Okay. Finally. Movie stars, number one. We love them. Any movie stars we can get, we'll take them. Okay. Then we'll, TV stars, it's fine.

It's fine. We'll take a TV star. Okay, cool. Why not? Then you have... Usually it's like comedian who has a special. Okay. And then you have...

Author. Of a book? Yeah. Getting tough. Getting tough. And then podcast host is down there at the bottom. But we'll take them when you can't get the other things. Snake eating its tail. Yeah. Meaning you yourself as a podcast host will take another podcast host. Yeah. If we have to. Okay. All right. I'm looking at the schedule for the upcoming shows.

I have a podcast host coming up. That's big of you. It's great. You know, it's fine. We'll take a podcast host. Yeah. But you being a TV star, a lot of these TV stars, they come on to these podcasts. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Do you not consider Jack a movie star? Well, he played Mr. Bongos in Oppenheimer, of course. I mean, one would think. He played Mr. Bongos in the biggest movie of the summer. He's a movie star. Mr. Bongos.

that was not the biggest movie of the summer. What was the biggest movie of the summer? Barbie. But it was the longest. Were you thinking about my bongos the whole time you were watching Barbie? I think so. You weren't in Barbie? Uh,

Let me check. What did you check just now? The ceiling. Your memory? Yeah, because you looked up to the sky. I did look up to the sky. I think in two years you would be in Barbie. But it's too early for you to be in Barbie at this point. You think in two years I might have a chance of being in Barbie, a movie that was already made and released? Yeah. I think I have good odds. They might Kevin Spacey out, you know, someone who's already in there and just put you in. Kevin Spacey is in Barbie? Well, he was going to be. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Bad call. But we get these TV stars. But they cast Margot Robbie instead. Yes. Good. Oh, man, I would love to see that. Oh, no. Just reenacting Barbie in that weird camera he has for the Thanksgiving videos he puts out or the Christmas videos. I guess the camera's not weird. It's just the angles and the lighting. No, my concern is the camera. The camera's the weird thing about that. My concern is the equipment. I'm like, what is that, a red camera?

But a lot of these TV stars come on, and there's a reason I'm not including you in this question, Tawny. Because I'm not on a television show. It has to do with a different project.

A lot of these TV stars come on to hype a new season of a show that they're on. Oh, yeah, sure. And you want to get them on before the season premiere because we want to make sure that the season premiere, the numbers start really big. We got to get that CBB bump in. Because numbers always slide in the middle of the... And then they kind of sometimes tick back up for the end. Yeah. But what we here have perfected with you is the mid-season check-in. The mid-season check-in. What?

Welcome to another one. How's the season going? I think pretty well.

I think I've been feeling great about it. We're in the middle of it. Seems to be going well. Seems to be going good. You're not promoting it coming out. You're not celebrating its wrap. No, no, no. We don't care if people watch it at this point. I'd be comfortable with no new viewers from this whatsoever. Sure. You don't need them. All I want to do is maintain what we have. Exactly. So I just want to see, how's it going? It's going good, man. I know you filmed it a long time ago. I filmed it like almost two years ago at this point. But how's it feeling now? It's feeling good. It's out there. It's been...

I don't know. It's a weird thing to do a thing and then think to yourself, yeah, like in a year people might see this. Yeah. I mean, tomorrow is not promised. No, it is not. And no, we had delays because of all the... Everyone's nodding solemnly. Yeah, I mean, what I said was really important. I mean, that was...

It rocked everybody else's world. Yeah. Really did. You filmed this. Why was it filmed two years ago? Why is it only now? The strike. Yeah.

Which we needed to have. But, you know, it took a while. And we gained so much. We gained. Look at us. We're all surrounded by gold and riches and jewels. We're pirates as well. Yeah, we're pirates. In our off hours. That's what we gained is that all actors can now legally be pirates. That was a line item. Yeah, yeah. You have a Hollywood run in while you're pillaging a ship. So now you play Stewie or someone in this? The little guy. Yeah.

He plays Stewie the little guy. Stewie the baby, right? Yeah. My catchphrase is, what the deuce? This is a very important show. What the deuce, Butcher? We gotta go kill that Homelander. Now, this guy's name is Butcher. Yeah. And then he slaughters a bunch of people. Yeah. Like, what's going on with that? Why isn't his name Slaughter? Is that like, yeah, why isn't his name Slaughter? Unless it's because that was a 70s blaxploitation movie. His real name is Billy Slaughter.

Oh, he changed it for show business? His stage name for the alliteration is Billy Butcher. Oh, okay. Gotta have those double Bs. Yeah, is it... Have you ever been on set and you've been like, God, if I have to say the word fucking butcher one more time. There are occasions where... Butcher I've gotten used to, but there are occasions where, like,

man, I gotta say this word a lot. And it's just not a word that like comes off my tongue easily. What word are you most sick of saying? I'm not sick of saying it, but I did get, I did have to get used to it when Mother's Milk joined the show. Oh. It's very, it's like a very hard thing to say, but we often abbreviate it to MM. MM. Which is hard,

for some reason it was hard for a while. I was like, it just sounds like you're, you're messing up a line or something. I'm obsessed with, with line readings from actors who have obviously never heard the phrase that they're saying. Yes. So they stress a weird word in it or something like that. I always feel like,

Just change it to whatever the person is comfortable saying. Yeah. It's going to stick out. More often than not, that happens. But then occasionally you'll get a person being like, no, no, no, no, no. You have to say it this specific insane way. Yeah. Well, I feel like some actors also really paid too much attention in like their subtext class. And so then they're stressing weird words.

to prove that they've like thought about the words behind the words i'm like just talk like a person yeah yeah i'm all text yeah you're an actor you're all super i read the lines and you can tell i'm reading them yeah we watch your eyes darting back and forth you got the dartiest eyes man

I'm getting seasick right now. Yeah, you're reading everything you're saying right now. Now, Jack, you're Hollywood's good boy, as we've established. I am Hollywood's good boy. But here's where I feel like you're tarnishing your image, because I look at your Instagram. Why? I know. Let him finish. I need to know how I'm tarnishing my image. I see these pictures on the set. I'm holding Tawny back now. She is coming for you. I see these pictures of you on the set.

And it seems like every picture you're holding up the middle finger to the camera. Yeah. That's not Hollywood's good boy. I know. You know, material. You know, a while ago we were like, hey, wouldn't that be fun?

And now that's the thing that we do. And it's all directed. Actually, every time that we do it, we're like, this is for Scott Aukerman. Oh, it is directed. It's personal to me. Yeah. I don't think this is exclusive for CBB. Wow. Every time we're doing it, it's. And by the way, I wasn't doing the show at the time. I was just like, maybe one day I'll be able to reveal this.

So you corral everyone in there, explain who I am, and then they're like, oh, yeah, I'm more than happy to do this. And the explanation takes a long time. Because they're like, wait, it's a show? And it's like, well, it was a show. Yeah, there was like a golden period of five years. You can still find episodes, but really, it's a podcast. I'll be like, I'm like, in a few years when I'm finally on that show, Scott will say that I'm tarnishing my reputation. And then the ace I'll have up my sleeve. Is that, I've been flipping him off.

off the whole time. Well, I sincerely hope you'll retire that behavior. I'm I'm thinking about it.

Wow. Are you accepting pitches? I also have the thumbs up in there. That's, that's, that's to offset my middle finger. It doesn't balance out. It doesn't. You need something in between. To me, the middle finger is so flagrant and just so obscene. I know. That a thumbs up of a pure Fonzie does not negate. Okay. So do I need something in the middle? Yeah. Are you accepting pitches for new hand? Yes, I am. To cleanse your image. Yes. I would love to cleanse my image. Uh, pink.

pinky up like you're sipping a cup of tea. But then I'm a little fancy boy. And I don't know if the shoe fucking fit. Maybe. But to counterbalance how terribly you just sit in anger. I'm sorry. Middle finger is I just have to stop and act like Jack Quaid. You're not a little fancy boy. I'm one of your closest friends. Name one time. Every time we've gone disco dancing. That's the fanciest thing I've ever done. You're right. I'm like, wow, look at that disco ball. You think it's made of diamonds?

So many different things hurt your stomach. Yeah, but... That makes you a little fancy boy who can only have fancy, fine treats. Having any kind of IBS or anything, that does not make me a little fancy boy. Yeah, because you can only have little fancy, refined treats.

Dishes and meals like a little cat eating out of a crystal dish. I'm just going to eat my kumquats in peace. There you go. That's the fanciest fruit there is. It is. I like the idea that disco balls are made of diamonds. This is a good heist movie. Like during the disco craze of the 70s. They didn't know. They're just like, oh, yeah, this diamond thing up there. And then someone comes in to steal. And they have to pose as disco dancers. Yeah. That's how they laundered all their money is like all of it's in the fucking disco ball. I need you guys to write this for me. Okay. Okay.

Tanya, you're a writer now. I am, apparently. You're writing one of those Star Tours movies? Yeah, I'm writing a Star Tours movie where everybody hops on a bus and goes and looks at Al Pacino's house. It's wild. It's wild.

I like when that guy from Breaking Bad, he goes out to the passing buses and he goes out and says hi to them all. Which guy from Breaking Bad? The young one. Jesse Pinkman? Yeah, Jesse Pinkman. Oh my God, he does? I always thought those were fake.

It could be. But it works on me. Yeah. I always thought it was like, ah, that's, you know, so-and-so's house. And then it's just not. Oh, yeah. No, I think they actually do pass by his house. And if he ever sees one, he goes out and says hi. Oh, damn. Like climbs into the bus and like talks to them for a while. Just like a full bus of people who know his address. That's crazy. Exactly. And why would you want that? I hate that. Make plans to come back that evening. Yeah, I will be here.

I also saw a picture of him and the other man from Breaking Bad in a Costco selling tequila. Yeah, they have that tequila thing. Do you guys think that you're going to start selling alcohol? Because I think the markup on alcohol is so high. That's why all these stars are getting into it, you know? Yeah. So you got George Clooney has his tequila thing, which he sold for millions and millions of dollars. Sure, sure, sure. Hundreds of millions of dollars. Yeah, yeah. To the extent where I think at a certain point he just like went around to every single person he'd ever met and just gave them a million dollars. It was like, here you go.

That's nice. Here you go. Here you go. But now Ryan Reynolds has his gin. He got stuck with gin. I feel bad for him. You know what I mean? I feel like Hollywood got together and they were like, who's going to take gin? And they were like, the Canadian. Yeah. The Canadian. I will say, if I ever have...

a drink. Tani, we're going in on this together. Have you ever, have you never had a drink? I've never had a drink. No. Really? I had a, I had a drink, a cocktail named after me in a bar in North Carolina once. No, sorry, Kentucky. So, you know, it's awesome. But that was it. That was, that was it. Oh, meaning I was asking if you've ever tasted the, have I ever had a drink? Yes. Yes. Okay. You have to really think about it. Hold on.

Drink. We're all saying the right word, right? Yeah. Drink. That's how I think it's pronounced. Drink? Um...

I don't believe in that. You don't believe in that? I don't believe in that. Okay, interesting. So are we going to sell an alcohol together? I think let's sell an alcohol together. Okay. We got to start. What do you think it is? Is it vodka? Are we tequila people? Grain. We're just going to sell grain? Grain alcohol. Okay. Bathtub alcohol. I think just ethanol. Just pure ethanol. Pure ethanol. We're going to sell rubbing alcohol together. Yeah, Jack and Tawny's pure ethanol. Sure. You just misunderstood. Pure fucking ethanol. Oh, man, this is a...

this is going to make us a mint. Yeah. There's no, like there's, there's all, it's all markup because there's no production whatsoever. We just get it from a plant of some sort. Yeah. We put it in bottles or you can bring your own bottle. No, no,

You have to bring your own bottle. And fill it up. It's just a little like a faucet that we're going to put on like Wilshire Boulevard. I like the idea of bringing your own bottle to things. Yeah. Because here's my theory about liquids. Okay. I've been waiting. What are we talking about?

Okay, here's my theory about liquids. So, drinks, yes, aka drinks. So it used to be you'd go down to the pond and you would say, I'm thirsty, and you'd stick your fucking mouth down there and lap it up, right? You just hope an alligator doesn't come and get you. Yeah, we hope, sure. But then people got so lazy, they're like, you know what? I'm going to cup my hands like this, put it in the pond, and then bring that up to my mouth. And then people were like, oh.

I don't even want to bother with that. So they created these things we call glasses or cups. And then we scoop the water into the pond and then bring it up to our mouth. And then we all got so lazy that they're like, I don't even want to bring it up to my mouth. We invented these tubular things that come out of the glasses so we can just sit on our lazy fucking asses. So you want to take us back to a pre-cup society. Yes. You want to go back to the pond. You're a pre-industrial revolutionist. I need to be back at the pond. Yeah.

Yeah. You want to just, you want, but it extends to all areas of your life. You want to just put your mouth on things directly. Yes. You don't want to involve hands. Why are we creating something called a gin for this cotton? I just want to put my mouth on it.

I mean, you can put your mouth on most things. Just that sentence. Really? I have your permission? I have consent? Hold on a second. That sentence shorted me out. You're done? I think I'm done. Yeah, okay, cool. I think I have to go. You're done? Is that okay? I know we said we'd do this together. No, no, no, it's fine. I think that hurt me in some way. If you have to go, that's fine. I understand. You're going to go? I don't know if it's the heat or what. Okay, the heat is on, as Glenn Frey once cautioned America.

Something about this is making me feel like I'm on like drugs that someone I don't trust gave me. I did turn off the air conditioning right when you came into the room. I feel like I'm going to pass out. It's like interrogation techniques. Yeah. Am I being interrogated?

I don't know. What do you have to confess? So many things. Well, now that you're here, I guess we'll interrogate you. I feel like I'm in trouble. I feel like I'm in danger. No. Stick around, Tony. Stick around. We need your wise counsel here. Comedy bang bang. Okay. Because coming up, we have a photographer. I want you to talk to the photographer. Is that all right? Yeah, I love that.

Yeah. That's all right with you? Yeah, I just feel like overwhelmed right now. It's okay. I mean, that happens on this show. Does it? You know, it's a lot. It's sensory overload. I have a tendency to say overlord.

You feel like a sensory overlord. This is not a bad idea. All hail the sensory overlord. By the way, a sensory overlord is not a bad idea for my Spider-Man comics. Okay. Pretty good. Writing it down. All right. There we go. So what does the sensory overlord do? Just show up with like a bunch of stuff that smells? Yes.

Just overwhelms people. And he's in charge of them all because he's the overlord. He's playing a theremin. He's got a bunch of shit that smells. I like this. Okay. A bunch of shit that smells. This is where I take pitches for the things I'm writing right now. All right. So what's happening with the boys? It's ending in a couple of weeks. Yes, it's ending. What are we on? Episode five. When this comes out, episode six will have come out. And then what is there? Eight? Yeah. Then we got two more and then we're done.

And then we have one more season and then we're done. Was that a surprise to you when they all came out and they were like, hey, the boys, ending with season five. Actually, no, I knew for quite a while. Really? I knew for quite a while. Me too. But I wasn't supposed to. I broke the NDA to tell my friend. No, it was, yeah, I'm happy that we're- Did they tell you so you could plan your money out? Yeah, probably. Plan your money out.

Just plan it all out. Yeah. It's actually good to know. Studios are really worried about how actors plan their money out. They're like, we really want you to be able to plan, be stable financially, not be crazy. You know, all these athletes, they get hired onto a team and they buy a million things. And then they're cut from the team like 12 weeks. Or, you know, maybe more germane to your interests, people get a pilot on a show and then they go buy sports cars.

That was more germane to my interest. Thank you so much. I love sports cars. I love sports cars. Two sports metaphors, though. A sports car and an athlete. Yeah. That's both of us right here. I mean, an athlete in a sports car. That's double sports, baby. And that's what they call double sports. If you ever see an athlete in a sports car, walk up to them, point at them and say, and that's what we call double sports, baby.

They'll know exactly what you're talking about. Oh, man. And then they're legally obliged to look at you. And give a CBB nod. To look at you and go, aye. That's not bad, those two fingers that you just did. Maybe that'll be my new gesture. Yeah, that would be all right. Thank you. Thank you all. Yeah, two fingers. So did you plan your money out?

Oh, yeah. I put it all in our ethanol company. So you planned your money out okay. You knew that they were ending. Do you know your final line? Yeah. It's got to be something like...

I think that's it. What about saying, can I punch this up a little bit? What about like... In the show, I go, can I punch this up a little bit as Stewie? As Stewie. As Stewie, the little one. Butcher. Butcher. That's my Stewie impression. Not good. Butcher question mark. But not horrible. Oh man, what is my final line going to be? Shouldn't it be something like... I haven't thought about that yet. Boys. Yeah, I think it should be. That's what... You really have to call it the boys.

I guess we really are the boys. Yeah. I guess all along. Now we're men. All along, we've been the boys. And then you play a guitar. Then I play a guitar. And it's revealed that the score has been me. Has been you the entire time. You've been sort of like doing the Mad Max Fury Road. Yeah. Kind of like, you know. Yeah. That guy has a name. And it's an insane name. What if it was like Seth? Yeah.

Oh, no, he's called, like, the Doof Warrior. I'm not joking. I love it. What? The word doof is in there. D-O-O-F. I love him. I don't like it. God bless the Mad Maxiverse. Now, did that trigger you more or me saying you can put your mouth on most things?

I think a lot of it is over. You folded your arms. You are so closed off right now. I really, I've shut down. I need you to be open. I need you to be responsive. Okay, Scott, we have to interrogate her about something. We're already halfway there. You have skeletons in your closet. I have a skeleton in my body that feels threatened right now. Let's get that skeleton out of your body. So you admit it. Yeah, admit I have bones and they all feel in danger. Wouldn't it be great if like- You're surrounding me.

Talking nonsense. Wouldn't it be great if instead of your whole body going to sleep, if you could just take off your skin, it goes to sleep on your bed, meanwhile your skeleton walks around at night and gets chores done. Scott, I'm sorry. I'm right where Tommy is right now. I have never hated a concept worse in my life. You could get so much done. What is the thought process that...

Your whole body goes to sleep, A. B, why does only your skin need sleep? I don't know, but wouldn't it be great? And C, what kind of chores can a skeleton do? So that's just beauty rest, really, is what we're talking about, right? For your skin to remain tight. I'm going to have the guys in R&D work on this. I feel sick. Oh, God. And then like, what would you do? I'd want to sleep.

Sometimes I just want a skeleton, though. Where does your brain go? My skeleton, I would assume, is asleep when I'm asleep. You can have half your brain. Your brain is neither bones nor skin. Where does it go? Your brain is an organ and your skin is organs.

So it's all your organs? All the time. You guys remember Inside Out Boy? Remember that? No. What is Inside Out Boy? Well, it terrified me as a kid. So this is probably why I hate this concept. Is this a superhero based on the Pixar franchise? No, it was like a short that they would play on Nickelodeon kind of during commercial breaks. And it was about a kid that this was the science behind it. He swung over. He was on a swing and he swung over the bar like all the way.

And then when he emerged, he was Inside Out Boy. And you could see all his organs and they're all like moving. And I lost my mind every time that came out. So I hate this concept. Okay. But you did just pitch a perfect Inside Out Boy movie for 2024. This is not bad. Write it down. Writing it down. Write it down. Well, The Boys is out next week.

Now, mid-season, of course, we've checked in. We've taken the temperature on this season and we are going to allow it to continue. Yeah. This podcast. Thank God. Because the show sends me as their emissary every single time. We got to check in to see, like, should we finish this? Yeah. Okay. All right. I will allow the season to end.

And I will allow season five to start. Wow. Production. Okay. All right. Yeah. Got to start packing up and going to Toronto then. Is that where you shoot in Toronto? Yeah, we shoot in Toronto. Notice how I'm not pronouncing the second T, Toronto people. Toronto. Toronto. Is that how they want you to say it? Toronto. They'll kill you. They hate you. They hate it. But it's part of it. Are you going to be up there in August? I'm going to be up there. I actually don't know exactly when, but I'm assuming sometime in the fall. All right. And I'll be out there. When?

When are you out there? Are we trying to meet up? Is this what's happening? I have a tour stop. Oh, consider me for the tour.

I mean, you would have to be there. This is my FYC campaign for being on the tour. Consider me. If you were up there, I mean, I would have you. God, I'd love to be up there. All right. In August is when you're going? I'll give you all those dates. In fact, I'll mention them at the end of the show. Anyway, we have to take a break. So my address is? Oh, dear. When we come back, we're going to have a photographer. We also have a supermodel packed show. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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I eat food. Yeah, I admit it. I don't go a day without eating some food. I usually throw a little water in there as well, drink that stuff. But, you know, maybe you never skip leg day. You know, there's stuff that's important to us. Well, you probably shouldn't skip therapy day either. When your schedule's packed, you're

You have kids' activities, big work projects. You know, it's easy to let those priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it's still hard to make the time to actually do that stuff, right? But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever.

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I know that's going to be...

I don't know what I'll do without these mid-season checkers that we do. I just don't know. I mean, will the ice... Can you get on another show?

I don't think so. I know. I know, because the perfect time for a mid-season check-in is after the fifth episode of an eight-season run. And I just don't know where else I'm going to get that. Where are you going to get it? Yeah, other TV shows have 22. Or just two episodes. I liked one streamer I was talking with. First, you try to sell like 22 episodes. And then you're like, okay, we only do 12. And then it went down to, we only do 10. Then now people are saying like, we do eight or six. One streamer I was talking to was like,

can you make it one episode just a special and make it really cheap? I was like, they're just saying the quiet part out loud. This is the business these days.

Anyway, the boys is doing well, though. I hope you have some of the back end on that. No back end? It's a TV show. You got points. It's a TV show. You get back end. It's a streaming TV show. Still, you should get some points. I would love some points. You didn't get points. There's no box office.

No, there's points on TV shows. There's points on TV shows? Yeah. Oh, I got to call somebody. Oh, my God. I'm so happy we're having this midseason check-in. You got it. Before this next season starts, you got to get at least one point. I'm going to be furious. Oh, my word. We also have Tawny Newsome here. Oh. Oh. I just ate a bunch of M&M's and I kind of freaked myself out. Okay, you are still here. Yeah. Those weren't M&M's, by the way. Those were who listen to Jack's. Why? Why are they in a bowl? You know, just so people can partake.

We need to get to our next guest. He's a photographer. He's been on the show several times. I guess photographer is maybe the wrong word. A news cameraman, Scott. And it is a grind. You do photograph.

I try. I try to get into photojournalism to cover real news, but they don't even let me out of the studio right now. When you say photograph, it implies a still image, perhaps, but one can also photograph a movie. So it can imply the verb meaning photographing moving images. So I wasn't wrong. You're not on trial, Scott. Yeah.

Tawny is. I feel like I am. Do you know, by the way, this is Jack Furze. Hi. Jack Furze. You haven't met Jack Furze? No, no, no. Jack Furze. Yeah, if you ever wandered through KTLA, I might film you. I'm freelancing for them right now. They have me doing in-studio stuff. Okay. I've never been on the news. Okay. You've never been on the news?

I've never done anything to warrant, like I've never done anything wrong to get on there. You've never been like a bystander who's said like, I try not to stand by anything. I am innocent. No, if you did something wrong, I'd know about it. What?

Jack. Sorry. I stay on top of who does what. You're in the news business. I'm in the news business. Okay. Obviously. I actually have been to KTLA 5 once. I did a little morning segment there. With Sam Rubin, the late, great Sam Rubin. The late, great. Nice gentleman. It's a lovely studio. Do you like it there? You know, I prefer more infield stuff. Okay. You're like a, are you a man on the street guy?

I tried. Yeah, they sent me to the zoo to film the condor being born, but I smell so much like wolves. All the animals went crazy. Oh, yeah. Why do you smell like wolves? I smell like wolves. I have two pet wolves. Big news. Oh, okay. I have a new pup. I have a new cub. Oh, congratulations. One of my smoke bombs went off in my wolf van. Why do you have smoke bombs?

Well, we've been through this before. It creates haze when I film things. Oh, yeah, yeah. You guys know haze, obviously, a smoke machine sometimes. It creates texture. Yeah, yeah. But you do this in real environments. I like to beef things up just a little bit. Smoke bombs are a big part of it. Have you ever done this for a crime scene or something where they wouldn't want a smoke bomb? Really? Oh, yeah. I mean, doesn't that contaminate?

Everything? The evidence? Yeah. What are they going to do? What are these police going to do with some of this evidence? I mean, not like they have the laboratory techniques that can actually solve these crimes. This is one thing about Jack Furze. He rails against the inept police here of the LAPD. Well, I just think no one's talking about this guy, the Nightwolf, enough who is actually trying to solve some of these crimes.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm confused because you have wolves and now you're talking about the night wolf. That's a weird coincidence that has been brought up. Yes, both myself and the night wolf have wolves. Mine are named Justice and Payback and now Vengeance. There's a third wolf? There's a puppy named Vengeance. Vengeance got hurt pulling me out of the van. She now runs kind of my computer stuff back at my house. What computer stuff do you do?

Just my maps and things. She's a very well-trained woman. My Google Maps, Pinterest, Yelp. So hold on a second. Hold on a second. Yes. Because I'm a nerd. And Scott, you write comic books. Ah, yeah.

This guy's the Nightwolf, right? What? Okay. I don't think so. No, we've been through this before, and I'll address the elephant in the room. It seems like the puppy is kind of your Oracle character who helps you from a room with screens. No? I'm not getting that. Clearly, there's some overlap. We both go to the same Wolf Jitsu gym. We both have pet wolves.

But the and he also now has a new cub himself. I noticed that. Do we know the name of the cub? Is it also vengeance? He just refers to them just kind of I don't know if it's the wolf. I don't know if he's just saying vengeance because they are masked. Yeah. Like Ace the Bat Hound. Yes. PETA does not like that. Yeah. So we don't know the identity of these wolves.

Right, because that's how you tell a wolf's identity is by their face. Yeah. PETA unmasked me when I was helping the Night Wolf and I was wearing his costume.

Peter doxxed you? Hold on. What happened? You were helping the Night Wolf wearing his costume? I was helping the Night Wolf and he was like, hey, can you stand up here in my costume to throw people off? And then a bunch of people from PETA got me and they ripped my costume off. Oh, what a weird coincidence. You were helping him. So they thought they were unmasking the Night Wolf. Right. But they were really just unmasking you. Yeah. A common...

Newsman. An ally. Just a man wearing the Night Wolf's costume who has smoke bombs. So did you go to journalism school? All self-taught.

School of the streets. I mean, that's the only way to learn, really, Tony. Certainly you must know. You can kind of tell. You just gotta go out and do it. You can kind of tell because I've seen a lot of your footage and it seems like very stationary. Like, it's almost like the camera's been... It's been placed in places. Yeah, and doesn't move and just kind of like captures whatever comes into frame. Yeah, it's an important skill that I picked up. You just kind of...

you duct tape, you duct tape it to a lamppost or whatever is around tall buildings. And then what are you doing while the camera's shooting? Yeah. Me, I'm just doing stuff. I'm just like, you know, framing the shots and things. But you're not touching the camera. Scott, I'm in love. Oh!

Oh, this is big news. That was all. Sorry. I'm just so excited. I don't want to go. I don't want to get off topic. No, no, no. And I'm not trying to change the subject. You guys aren't backing me into a corner or anything. So you're who? Yes. Who are you in love with? Well, my good. Well, her name's Alma. Alma.

And as Scott knows, I've been quite unlucky in love. How do I? I don't think I brought it up on the show before. It doesn't mean I know it. I usually forget anything anyone says the minute they say it. A lot of my ex-wives and fiancés have met very sad ends, very tragic ends. I don't remember this, actually. Oh, God. Yes. Okay.

But now I feel like I'm in love for the first time. She's great. Oh, congratulations. She's great with vengeance. Oh, okay. Meaning your pet wolf. That's right. Yeah, they love her. All the wolves love her. What is her story, if you don't mind me asking? Well, her father was a whistleblower to a corporate entity, and they entrusted her with very important secret information, so you know she's trustworthy. Yeah, it seems like it. Yeah. So how did you two meet?

Well, we ran... I was visiting some criminals for information on a story in the insane asylum where her ex-husband has just escaped from. So they were asking her things. Oh, interesting. I haven't heard anyone call it that in a while. The insane asylum? No. Looney bin, you prefer? Yeah, I just like a more... Rubber room? I know there's a more updated term. Sorry, I don't mean to... That's where the men with the butterfly nets send those whack jobs. This is the last real...

insane asylum in the country, right? They have those really scary steel gates. That's right. Her ex-husband escaped from there. Straight jackets, people screaming. Yes, yes. He's always doing that. What an incredible meet-cute. So how did you come...

You were there interviewing these prisoners? I was interviewing prisoners to see, get a temperature of the streets. And she was there getting asked questions about where she goes, will her ex-husband come after her, things like that. But she's very brave. She puts her address out in public. I mean, she has her stuff out in public even more than Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad. Oh, so you know about that too? Oh, yes. I was just mentioning that. As someone who, you know, you...

you have a feel for the streets and you, you, you reported on crime. That's right. Uh, do you think that that was a safe thing for, uh, Jesse Pinkman to do?

I mean, it really shows a lot of guts because you're asking for trouble and I know Alma can handle it. I mean, her address is there for whoever finds it. And I mean, she's witnessed some brutal, brutal crimes. Yeah. Sole witness. Sole witness. Wow. Why is she always there and alone? It's wild, right? Yeah. She just has that luck of the Irish. Oh,

Oh, she's Irish. Alma is a very Irish name. You don't know? You've never... I've never asked, actually. That's what's so fun about this relationship. There's so much more to learn. We just, it's like an onion. We just never ask each other questions ever. No, we just always discover things when we're on our walks. Yeah. Oh, where do you walk to?

Like the reservoir? I'm more of a rooftop stroller. Oh, that's some good exercise I've heard. It's really good for the upper body, climbing the fire escapes and ladders. Yeah, just traversing across the city that way. She didn't keep up with me and that was tough. Yeah, incredible. Well, congratulations. Are there wedding bells in your future?

I hope so. Yeah. We are looking at venues. There's this great place near where a lot of recovering drunk drivers are practicing their driving skills. Are they recovering from the driving? Or from...

The drinking. It's because of the structure of that sentence. I'm sorry. I ate a bowl full of hallucinogens earlier, so I'm in a weird place. No, there's this school that helps drunk drivers get better at it. Get better at drunk driving? Yeah, so they're a little less reckless. So we have this great venue right next to that. It's right near the exit of that building. I would hate to be a valet there. They tip great.

They don't know what, yeah, they haven't planned their money out. And look, you gotta plan your money out. They tip really good. So that's a feature of the venue. The feature of the venue is, I mean, I think that's why it's cheap because people are always coming and going. And there's a gun store right next door where a lot of these people can, they kind of skirt some of the... Are you...

Can I ask you a question? It's kind of personal. Are you hoping for some sort of incident at your wedding? Just a great, memorable time. I don't know, next to the gun store and the drunk driving assistance program? Yeah, it seems like you're tempting fate. Yeah. I think we're going to be fine. I mean, she's a tough cookie. A tough Irish cookie. She's a tough Irish cookie, maybe. And the thing is, we're going to...

I don't make a lot of money at KTLA. Sure. Yeah, because you're freelance. I'm freelance. And you're mainly getting footage of this guy, the Nightwolf. And your boss is always saying, get me pictures of the Nightwolf. So are you trying to stage some sort of like... I'm trying to sell him on the Nightwolf. They're not interested. They think he's a loser. Whoa. Oh, yeah. A guy with that many wolves? Yes. They think he makes things worse.

It's interesting. I don't know if I've heard that take before on the Nightwolf. I'm glad you guys didn't mention my tattoo. That is across my face and nose that says I'm the Nightwolf. Yeah, well, I mean, I just kind of figured it was ironic. I thought it was art. Yes. I thought it was maybe something PETA tattooed on you in anger. No, no, no. This was kids. This is a July show, right? Yeah. Okay, well, kids. It's the special July month show. Special July month. Okay, well, then everybody will understand this. Yes.

I was on a rooftop stargazing, and some kids decided to fire off fireworks at me. At you? Yes. They fired. They thought they were screaming, Jack's a peeper. There's the night wolf. They're really going at me. Wow. Wow. And they fired fireworks at me. Wow. One of them knocked me out.

Damn. You know what's funny is now that I'm thinking about it, the Nightwolf also has a tattoo on his face that says I'm the Nightwolf. Yes, I'm glad you brought that up. That is interesting. So clearly he had a similar run-in with these kids. Right, yeah. This is a crime spree. Because I'm like, how are they going to know? Because the tattoo is what I think. It's very similar. They definitely use the same stick and poke technique. Yeah, I woke up like this. I was out. Yeah, I woke up like this.

Interesting. Well, I mean, this all sounds... That was good, Scott. Hey, I gotta give it to you, man. That was good. You don't have to. I got it, man. I've been around this business a long time. You got me. I mean, not really. You kind of just started being a camera person a few years ago. I woke up like this, brother.

Your career is in its infancy. Yeah, I'd like to think that, yes. I mean, you haven't even really made very much money doing it. No, no. You do it because you love it. But you got a prestigious job at KTLA. It's hard to get. Yeah, filming the condor. Yeah. Birth. Oh, God. I was so excited for that job. All the animals went out of their mind because of my smell. Because of the wolf smell. Yeah. And not just the mammals.

You would think that. I didn't. The fish? I didn't. Oh, you did? Okay. Yes, sir, the fish. Wow. And you would think, like, how do they smell? I'm no scientist. I do a lot of scientific stuff. Like what? What do you mean? You make your own smoke bombs? I make my own smoke bombs. Tell me another scientific thing you're talking about. My last smoke bomb guy, he...

You're a smoke bomb guy. He was having a problem with them, though, right? Yeah, he was being a real hard ass. Yeah. And so I had to start making them myself. So it requires having chemicals in your apartment. Cursory scientific degree. Yeah, so what other stuff do you make? Do you make fingerprint kits? Okay. Is that just an ink pad?

Well, yeah, and you need some dust. You need dust. Do you need dust if it's just an ink pad? Like, what's a fingerprint kit? Well, that's to get the fingerprints off fingers. Oh, okay. Then you need the dust to get it off of various car surfaces. So what are we talking about? Makeup brush and some dust? Mm-hmm. That's science, baby.

I see you also have a collection of wolfarangs with you. Yeah, what's going on with those? Why did you bring all these wolfshame boomerangs? Yeah, why did you bring these wolfarangs? Well, the wolfarangs are very helpful when it comes to capturing the news. Oh. Yeah, if you need to get a shot that's on a building across from you, you could throw a wolfarang at it. And what would that do?

Well, it stays in the building and you can attach it. Oh, I thought you were trying to get the building nearer to you. Oh, boy. I mean, that would have been my first thought. Yes, if I was stronger. And actually, depending on the building, I could. Yeah. Really? What do you mean?

Why did you say yeah? I went from yeah to really to not even knowing what you're talking about. Okay, a lot of buildings haven't been retrofitted here. Okay. And if it hasn't been retrofitted, that thing's shaky as hell. Yeah, but it's not earthquake proof. You can move any building. Exactly. Are you saying if you were strong enough, you could move any building? Yeah. I mean, honestly, with the- Anyone, if they were strong enough, they could move any building. With the love of Alma behind me. Wow. Wow.

I feel like I can, Scott. It feels good to say that. It feels good to be in love. It was great. I don't know what I would do without her. I'd go crazy. Yeah. Yeah. So I just want to ask, does is she fully aware of your relationship?

Like, is she she's coming with you to the wedding venue? She definitely meaning your relationship with her. You have. Yeah, I mean, definitely have her phone number. She's I have all her stuff. Yes, I have all her info. OK. I mean, it's obviously I work nights. Right. And that's not that's very difficult. OK. Yeah. People usually sleep at night, although if my skeleton idea takes off.

We're going to be doing all sorts of things at night. But you said she's great with the wolves. Scott's brought up the skeleton idea to me before. I was trying to explain it to you, but I'm like, he's probably... You don't need to recap it for me. I've heard Scott's skeleton idea a time or two, and trust me... Jack and I hang out off air. This guy's elevator might not be going to the top floor in front of me. Jack says things like this all the time, and I just...

It's funny the way he talks. I don't take offense to that. Okay, get another room in the insane asylum for this guy. He just makes jokes like this. I love him. Probably my best friend. Wow. Wow. Okay, this is the first I've heard about that. So many people have come on this podcast. I know, and this is your best friend? This is the guy. I love him. I'm his best friend. He doesn't let me bring my wolves in here. Nah, yeah. I'm allergic to wolves. That's my only issue with you, Jack.

We hang out all the time and he always wants to bring his wolves. I'm allergic. He's covered in dandruff. Yeah. So why are you not sneezing just because he's here? I've been pressing mute every time I've sneezed. I've sneezed like 55 times already. Wow. You're really good at editing. Yep. On the fly. Yep.

You must really keep your nasonex hidden around here, because I've never seen it. You said that like it was a slam. Like it had the cadence of like a roast joke. Where's the nasonex hidden, Scott, for these apparent allergies? Uh-oh, everybody hide your claret, and here comes Scott. Oh, shit. Payback took a shit in here one time. I didn't want to mention it, but... Payback shit in here one time, and it's because God knows what's in those M&Ms. The Fuji special. One time.

- All right, we need to take a break. When we come back,

We're going to have more with Jack Furs. Goddamn Fuji. That was good. Get it out. He loves it. See, Jack's my best audience. His elevator's going right to the top right now, baby. When we come back, we have a supermodel a little later. We're going to be right back with more Jack Furs, more Jack Quaid. This is a double Jack show. It's almost like two sports. Hey. Hey. And Tony Newsom will be right back with more comedy. Bang, bang, after this.

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20.

years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jack Quaid is here. Mid-season check-in of the boys. Tom

Tawny Newsome had to leave for some reason. I don't know why. And also, Jack Furze is here. Great to be here getting the real news out. Yeah, great to have you here. Anything going on in the news these days? I haven't really been keeping track of... There's really nothing going on. They got, I mean, Summer Styles. Summer Styles! Oh, that's right. Yeah, okay, I guess we need sunglasses. Oh. Yeah.

You are. Oh, hello. Hi. Excuse me. We're in the middle of a...

May I sit here? Our friend Tawny was sitting there, but she... Well, if no one's taking this seat... Is this how this works? How does this work? Hello? Ma'am. If that's your real name, who are you and what are you doing? This is a threat. I'm sorry. I've just traveled a very long distance. Jack brought out the wolfarangs. I think it's okay. Are we all right? Okay. Who are you? I'm all right now. Who are you? Do you have any idea what it feels like? We don't know who you are, even. To be hidden away. My name

is escrow philanthropist okay I

Oh. And I have been hidden away by this man here for near on 20 years. Hidden away? Yes. I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, you've gotten good at that. She's escrow philanthropist. She just told us. What are you hiding, Jack? You've gotten so good at saying who are you. I'm sorry, I think I'd remember a person named escrow philanthropist. Oh, you think you would remember me, wouldn't you? Yes. Just 20 years of me.

Marriage ring a bell. Whoa. Okay. Hold on. 20 years. Ask her, where are you from? Vaguely Britain? No.

No, how dare you? My mother was killed by an English muffin. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, God, I'm sorry for your tragedy. Thank God they're not still sponsoring the show. I might have to cut that out. The nooks and crannies. The nooks, the crannies. If the crannies don't get you, the nooks will. Please stop talking about my mother's assailant. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to hear that, but I'm sorry I never met you in my life. Oh, that's rich, isn't it? Have you ever seen a man deny the woman he loves? Yeah, Jack, you seem like you're hiding something.

now. I swear to God, I'm not. Sorry, the craziest thing ever that has ever happened to me just happened. Escrow, what is the nature of your relationship to Jack? We were married in 2002 on the banks of the River Seine in France. Okay, that was a year.

2002. Sure. It checks out. It was a year. I just took a look at my calendar. 2003 was the one after that, and then 2002 was the one right before. Okay, good job, Scott. You didn't have a ring, so he gave me a new Shakira CD. Hmm.

because he knew how much I loved Shakira. Did you put your finger through the middle hole? I should have. Maybe that would have jogged his memory. She's wearing it now, which is interesting. It's here. That is really dusted up and scratchy. You can't really move your hand at all. That's just a CD on your finger. How can you be so nonchalant? You've hidden me away, denied me in the press, never acknowledged our love or our union. Jack, you have the rep of being Hollywood's good boy. You have a secret marriage? And a secret.

family. Secret family? Yes. Meaning your parents and your uncles? I have parents that he won't acknowledge. And I have a cousin who's vaguely into hair crimes.

I'm sorry. There's so much to unpack for me. Yeah. Well, you can go ahead and repack your bags and move back into my home. Okay. All right. Why? You say we got married in 2002? Yes. You don't remember. In Paris. Yes. I was 12. The banks of the river said, oh, isn't that convenient? Hey, if there's grass on the field, my man. What? They do a lot of weird stuff in France. I know that.

Gerard Depardieu, ring a bell. Okay. Okay. I recall because I... My father, the hero. Okay.

Okay, I just don't, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I cannot take this. You continually denying me has done something to me. It's caused me to lose my job, my home. Our children don't recognize me any longer. You have children with this man? Yes, we have three four-foot-tall calla lily plants, and they all need water from their father. Okay, are you sure it's me? Are you sure? Like, are you sure? Am I sure?

Are you sure I got married to you? He ran out on me. He ran out on me in the middle of our honeymoon. Are you French, but you learned English with kind of an English accent? It's more of a mid-Atlantic. I've never been more insulted in my life. Wait, I just insulted you more than you've ever been insulted. This is even more than that one? You've insulted me so many times. Whoa. You're Irish now? You sound like Alma. How dare you?

This is crazy. You just said life. Wait, your kids are plants? There's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. So our kids are plants. We were married on the River Seine in 2002. I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't think I can do it anymore. I think we should break up.

What? I think we, I mean, if you think we've been together for this long, I think we should officially break up. Then you can move on with your life. I finally get to him and all he wants to do is leave me. I can't quite tell if this is a Jesse Pinkman situation where it's a stalker or whether Hollywood's good boy is actually Hollywood's worst boy. Oh no, I'm really tarnishing my reputation right now. This is worse than those middle finger films.

photos that you're so fond of I swear to God I've never met this person in my life why do you think what's bring bring me up to date talk about your relationship I wish payback was here and our kids are plants you say that was a mistake not to let payback payback and sniff out a liar I'd get in the juice oh man I wish payback would you say I'd get in the juice you sort of trailed off

That's exactly how the Nightwolf speaks. He trails off in a gravelly voice. I'm sorry. Hanging out with him too much. I can understand why this all must be so confusing for you both here. You two gentlemen didn't ask for this. No, I had no idea you would be on the show. No, it took me a long time to track him down. I've been following you to events, taking jobs on the sets of your various films and television shows. FYC events. FYC.

Now that you mention it, I have seen a woman about your builds wearing a CD around her finger. A sturdy build. I have a sturdy, stout build. I do see you at a lot of conventions. I'm always like, what's the deal with the CD? And I'm always waving and saying, why must you deny me?

Why must you deny me and you just look past me in the crowd? This is the first face to face we've had in 20 years. It is the perfect opportunity for me to try out my Seinfeld impression. I do go, what's the deal with the CD? I'm sorry about that. That's very insensitive. Escrow, I feel like you're... Getting your views on geopolitics. Here we go. Listen, I'm still Hollywood's good boy. Okay. This is why I see. Escrow, you're taking advantage of the open door policy here. I am. And that's a good thing.

for a lot of people, but I want to make sure you're on the level. I want to make sure you're on the up and up. What, now you doubt me? It's not that I doubt you, but I just don't know what to believe any longer. Do you not believe that this man married me in 2002? He wasn't. I mean, it's not smart to rush in like that. Yeah. If I wasn't just a cameraman, you would have gotten a wolferang right in the forehead. I don't know what those words mean. Maybe it's because... Forehead? When I was 12...

I was playing crash bandicoot. I don't think I was marrying the woman. Well, you crash banded my coot and we got married ten minutes later. I believe her now. Okay, she's got me. Okay, that was a fun play on words. That was a fun play on words that does not mean I married this woman. Listen to that pun. She's got what it takes. You crash banded her coot. Yep. I'm on her side now. I'm just so tired of being ignored.

I think this calls for a formal apology, Jack. Yes, just because you were still high on nitrous after your dental surgery, just because you had still had all the IV drugs in your system when I wheeled you out of that dental OR, just because you claim you don't remember pledging your love to me doesn't mean that I am invalid. Do you still have a nitrous hookup? No.

It was a dentist. Okay, all right. It was a dentist. If you get some revealing information on these dentists, they'll usually give you some nitrous. Okay, that's good to know. Anyway, I think you need to apologize. A notes app apology would be... Thank you. Get out the notes app. Get out the notes app. Get out the notes app. Write it down. Did you see Chet Hayes' White Boy Summer notes app apology? No, I did not. Yeah. Did he apologize for being vaguely Jamaican? No.

Not yet. Okay, so what else did he apologize for? She is up on things. For people misconstruing his hit song, White Boy Summer. Ah. Ah.

Because it was supposed to be a wolf boy summer. I think that might have been a typo, honestly. I think it might have been. It should have been wolf boy summer. Jack, I'm sorry to bring up another nepo, baby. I know you protect your own. It's fine. Yeah, I'm fine. I don't need to... You don't run in a pack with jet tanks. No, no, no. We just see each other in the dungeon. And then when we're outside the dungeon, we pretend we don't know each other. But in the dungeon...

It's cool. Oh, God, I've missed this. I know. I know. You guys do have this electric thing. We have an electric chemistry. You're like leaning in so close. Jack's eyes are almost closed like he's falling asleep. I am. You look like a narcoleptic. I'm sorry. It's so hot today. I was not expecting a woman from my past question mark to walk through the door. He looks just like he did that day. I was 12. Well, I was.

I was 11. That doesn't mean we didn't get married. I'm born and raised here in Los Angeles. I went to France for a dental appointment. You don't have a passport? You obviously have a passport. That doesn't mean anything. All those vacations to the Turks and Caicos. Yes, I have a passport.

Sure. Notoriously, I go to Turks and Caicos a lot. And you did back then as well. Okay, okay. Where did we meet? We met in the dental OR. Why must you question me? We met, were you a nurse? I was your hygienist. You're a dental hygienist. Hmm.

I was an 11-year-old dental hygienist. So you gave me too much nitrous. Too much. I gave you the standard amount. And then I agreed to marry you as a 12-year-old. How old were you in this situation? She said she was 11. 11. Keep up. Okay. Are the rules different in France? This is a beautiful story. This is pretty good. This is very romantic. You do know that the rules are different in France. You said, as I wheeled you out, you said, oh, the rules must be different in France. And I said, they are. Would you like to go on a date? Okay.

If this is true, I was clearly impaired and you, I think, stole me from some sort of dentist's office. It does kind of sound like he was in a nitrous oxide haze. Where did we go? You were about to make him apologize to me. Yeah, but now, I don't know, the shoe's on the other foot. I mean, if this dude's on nitrous, I have some experience in this. If we want some haze, I can get some smoke bombs going on. No, Chet Hayes. I'll explain him later. Was Chet Hayes there?

Are we on Hollywood Handbook? Why is everyone saying, hey, I don't understand. So you know what Hollywood Handbook is. I love podcasts.

Oh, wow. I've been listening to them religiously waiting to hear his voice. So you listen to this podcast to hear his voice? Every day. And then you listen to the clues triangulating where the location is? Yes. Honestly, that Star Tours bus did have the right address in terms of this place. Oh, okay. The Star Tours bus dropped me off and said, we think he's in there. The Star Tours bus actually knows your guest schedule. You should probably call them. Yeah. There we go.

So, are you taking me back or not? No, but I think... Well, you may give me a ride home. But hold on, hold on, hold on. Escrow, if I may call you that. Yes, it's fine. Listen, clearly you've been through a lot. I was clearly in a nitrous haze. Do you want... I had a lot of dental problems back then. Let me offer a compromise, okay? All right.

I'm afraid that this marriage is not legal here in the U.S. You're not going to continue to be married. But how about if Jack Quaid, star of TV. And just TV. I'm a TV star. And he played Mr. Bongos. He's Mr. Bongos. Mr. Bongos. What if he gives you some Oppenheimer merch?

You know all the merch? Some signed Oppenheimer merch? Oh, they made the best. We signed a bomb. Oppenheimer. They made such good fanny packs. What did you say? Did you say Jack...

Who? Oh, no. Quaid. Q-U-A-I-D. I am looking for Joshua Jackson. Son of a bitch. I knew it. I'm so sorry. I knew it. It's always Joshua Jackson. It's always Josh. You know what? That is on me. I have been tracking the wrong man. You had me thinking. I had done so many things. Now I'm realizing that it also was problematic.

problematic that I was 11. Yeah. He was considerably older. Yeah. He'd already been on Dawson's Creek. That's a wrinkle. Yeah. That's a wrinkle. Yeah. We do look alike. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm told. And now that I've seen you at close, yeah. They've always said that about me. And I think you specifically have said that a lot. I email you that a lot. But I'm not here. You email me that a lot. This is squarely on me. It's three in the morning and I'm checking my email. I just get poor man's Josh Jackson. Fellas, no, I appreciate you being good sports about this. This is squarely on me. I have not seen his face in 20 years. It vaguely looks like Joshua Jackson. Tell you what, Esker, why don't you stick around?

Is that all right? Yeah, we're going to take a break. We have another guest coming up. Jack, I know you need to leave. I got to go to a big, one of my favorite, my famous supple dumps. Yeah, all those dumps you like to take. Two thirds of the way through the show that we do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my time. All right, we're going to take another break if you can believe it. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jack Wade had to leave, but we have Jack Furze still here. We have one of the two Jacks. I'm waiting for the Star Tours bus to pull off. Yeah, I think if they just give you a ride home, it's only half off.

Oh, okay. It's if you drive there and then I got to pay full price. Yeah, round trip is full price. Round trip's full price. Because I only paid half to come here. Yeah. Because I assumed I was leaving with Joshua Jackson. Right, yeah. Sorry about that. This is escrow philanthropist. Yes. A mistaken person who barged in here. Yes. And if I at any point during that made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. Also, if I at any point said the name Jack,

No, I didn't. Oh, okay. Okay. I mean, you said Joshua Jackson. You just cut off the first part and the last part. Yes. So I'm so happy to be on the show. I really enjoy it. Yeah, yeah. But enough of that. Let's get to our next guest. This guy's modest. He doesn't like that. I don't know how to receive love, but... You've never gotten a compliment? I don't think so, no. Oh, we have a very nice home.

Okay, that's not really a compliment for me. That's just something I bought. Good job on your shoulders. Do you work out? What am I supposed to say? Really? You think I work out? No. Honestly, you're not far off. We do need to get to our next guest, though. Speaking of bodies, she's one of the most famous bodies in the world, as well as what's on top of that body, the face.

That's right. She's a supermodel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the business, baby. That's how we talk about it. It's me, supermodel Janice Dickinson. How are you, Scott? Hi, Janice. Hey. I am starstruck. Oh, my God. You better be. Same. Yeah, this is incredible. You sneaky bitches. How you doing? We're doing great. Great to see you, Janice. It's so good to be here, Scott. Oh, man. You know, supermodel isn't there on the podcast guest hierarchy. You know, I actually coined that term. Did you really? Yeah, supermodel. Supermodel didn't exist before.

old jimmy dicky baby really what what what was the thought process behind that because you have a model god i wish jack was here he's on a show where they hunt and kill supermodels yeah yeah yeah that's that's that's the premise as far as i've looked into it the boys isn't that what that is i haven't watched it yeah i'm not quite sure they hate supermodels baby they fucking hate them i haven't watched it either what am i gonna watch a poor man's joshua jackson well i was told i was coming in for a mid-season check-in

Oh, no. Do you consider yourself to be in the mid-season of your life right now? Yeah, of course. And you're a 60-some-odd-year-old woman. Yeah, I'm like 68, 69 in that area. Hell yeah. I'm not going to tell you my real age because I'm a supermodel, baby. That's a skill. All right. Oh, yeah. So tell me, Miss Dickinson, if you're nasty, what's

going on in your life? I remember when you were one of the judges on a television program, America's Next Top Model. A&M. Yeah. Those sneaky bitches couldn't keep me away. Yeah. Is that your catchphrase? Yeah, is everyone a sneaky bitch to you? Yeah. I'm a sneaky... You know, I coined that term.

Oh. I don't think anyone uses it. No. No, no, no. Back in the day, I was like, no one's ever put sneaky and bitch together. Here I am. Yeah. Janis Dickinson. And then you did. And then has anyone used it since? I don't know. But I mean, the whole culture, probably no one or everyone. That's true. It should be used more. I mean, I should definitely work it into my electric commonwealth. Try it. Try it right now. Yeah, you should say it now. Everybody try it right now. Sneaky bitch. FYC, you sneaky bitch. For your consideration. And then I whap him.

This is like a villain who's an Emmy voter. Maybe somebody on the street. Yeah. F.Y.C.

I don't know, man. No? The FYC is confusing. Yeah, it sounds like a threat. I mean, in Hollywood specifically, it's pretty confusing. And that's where I work. Yeah. You look like Wolf. I mean, no, but I'm flattered. Because I came in here and I was like, wow, it smells like Wolf. Yeah, that is definitely me, Trev. I can't get this stuff off no matter how many soaps I use. Yeah. How many are you up to now? Yeah.

I've been fucking there. I've been using tail and mane. Oh, for the horses. May I say something? It's uncanny. The two of you sound like siblings. I know, I know, I know.

People think I'm the Nightwolf. Yeah, I wouldn't put it past you, Janice. You sound kind of like it. I know. Usually it's not good to have two similar voices on a podcast. No, no, no. Sure, but sometimes, you know, you don't really talk things out beforehand. But we broke the mold with me and Adam Scott on our show. We have the exact same voice. Oh, can people not tell you apart? No, they can't.

That's the reason I'm here, Scott. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. We're getting to your thing. I just got it. I'm on a bit of an apology tour right now. Oh, really? Because some of the things I said on ANTM have been resurfacing. Oh, like in clips on TikTok and stuff like that? Yeah. Like they say I call people sneaky bitches. They say I call people fat cows. They say I call people...

It's really not nice things. And, you know, I guess there's video evidence. Yeah, you were on a TV show. But I'm, you know, I'm here to... Sometimes I can go, you know, a little... I like to break balls. You know what I mean? Sure, I understand. Me, supermodel Dennis Dickinson loves to break some balls. Sure, why not? But I'm here to apologize, but mostly I'm here to just blame the editing because they have taken what I've said out of context. Like... What was the context then when you were calling people fat cows? Like when I said, you know, I was like...

But really what I said was cowabunga. You are a beautiful, independent woman. Oh, and your previous sentence ended with fat. Uh-huh. Oh, so it was like cobble it together. So it was like, well, it's Frankenstein. Your outfit is really fat cowabunga. You're a beautiful woman. Yeah. And they just clip out fat. And they clip out like, yeah, exactly. You were saying pH fat. Yeah. All of it. It's never. It wasn't me. It was all those. Those.

God damn editors. Editors are the worst of the worst. Yeah, they're the worst fat cows in the world. I'm being edited right now as well. Yeah, I have my machine out here. You're very good at editing. I've been doing a live edit. Taking out all my sneezes. We finally got it fixed, the machine. I did watch the show. What about the time you said if you're above a size 10, you should kill yourself? No, no, no, no, no. I didn't say that. No, no, no. I meant for a mouse.

I'm sorry? I'm talking about like if you're above a size 10, if you're a mouse that's above a size 10, that means you're too big of a mouse. And you should probably kill yourself. I mean, that tracks. Yeah. It's a painful way to live. It's a painful way to live. Do mice have sizes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're saying if a mouse fit into an adult human woman size 10, US, not UK, that the mouse should kill themselves. Yeah.

And I stand by it. I'm not going to apologize for that. I don't think you need to apologize. No, no, no. I stand by that. That makes sense. Yeah, they should. So I'm like, what am I? I'm like a size four or whatever. But in mouse, in mouse wear, I'm a size 10. I'm not going to kill myself because I'm a human woman.

Okay, we have a deal. Okay, great. So I'm on a bit of an apology tour. Honestly, Dennis, it doesn't sound like you're apologizing at all. Fuck you. I'm being edited right now. Yeah, sorry about that. I took out my sneeze in between your sentence. You said, fuck, this is such a great show to be on. Yeah. And then... And I stand by it. Yeah. So I appreciate that, but I edited everything in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're blaming the show. It's because you can't take a compliment. Yeah. So it doesn't seem like you have anything to apologize for. No, I'm just glad to be here. I, too, am a fan of podcasts. Yeah, I also had a thing to be here, and now I don't anymore. So we're kind of just like open vessels. Now we're just open vessels.

Well, great. What do you guys want to talk about? Since you don't have to apologize for anything, you don't have an ex-husband, a reason to be here. You're definitely not the Nightwolf. I'm just waiting for a van to take me back to my apartment. It's funny. I'm also waiting for a van to take me back to my apartment. That's funny. Van Morrison. Yeah, get in a bed with Van Morrison. We all heard what you're doing with that guy. Oh, Van Morrison. What a sneaky bitch.

Also edited. Also edited. Yeah. My catchphrase is edited. Although I don't think he'd take offense. No, no, no. I mean, I meant to sneak away to a lush villa where they're constantly playing Van Morrison. Yes. A beach. Legendary beach. Yes. Yeah. Should we talk about the impending sale of Paramount? Yeah. To Skydance? Boy, that sounds like something that you two... They're going to send me in, baby. I got this. Janice Dickinson. I'm going to negotiate that deal. Because...

ANTM was on UPN, which the P stands for Paramount. So you are a great ambassador. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to get in that room and I'm going to be like... Your Viacom's good girl. Yeah, Viacom's good girl. I'm going to be like, come here, come here, sweetie. Which one of these girls was giving you trouble? And then when she eventually points to the bitch, I'm going to be like, go fuck yourself. Never snitch on the bitch.

And it's going to, the whole room's going to, I'm going to trick them so well. They're going to laugh so hard. They're going to laugh. And that's how you get. Unedited. Uncut. And that's how you get Paramount sold. That's how I get Paramount sold. I will sow seeds of discord. Why aren't you going to? Amongst the women in only a way I can do. Diabolical. Very. Yeah. Janice, you know those commercials where all the Paramount stars are on a mountain, like you got Picard there and Tom Lennon in shorts. Oh yeah, I know someone who was cut out of that. Oh,

do you? Yeah. Her cartoon was put in it. She recorded it. She was almost paid for it. And then they put Drew Barrymore in its place. Oh, that's too bad. But why aren't you in this? So it's either a cartoon or Drew Barrymore? Yeah. This is why you gotta get me in there. She's kind of like a cartoon. But I mean, why aren't you in this? I'm the voice of the wind on the mountain. You're so associated. Oh, you are? Yeah, if you listen really carefully, it's

Oh, I remember. I remember when my friend recorded that, she heard your voice as the wind. Yeah, yeah. And I called your friend a fat cow. You did, and she loved it. She loved it. Drew Barrymore even said some of the ad libs that my friend came up with. Oh, wow. And your friend never got paid? I think she got paid, but it wasn't as much as she thought she would. You know, the cow community, being called fat is a compliment. It's a symbol of wealth.

This is what I'm trying to say. They want that. Yeah, because they then are desirable to be eaten.

to be eaten that's ultimately their purpose they love it in our culture you guys see Despicable Me 4 honestly no those minions freak me out they freak me out are they speaking Italian what is that my uncle's a minion really why he's got a regular ass voice and he wears shirts and stuff but uh

You know, he's big. I'm sorry. He's yellow. He's round. Are they a race of people? Real talk, would you eat a Minion if someone barbecued one? I have eaten my fair share. Come on. Really? Supermodel Jane of Sticks. Let's go, baby. Wow. You know how RFK Jr. was eating that dog, you know, the barbecued dog in that picture yesterday? Oh, is that how he got the worm? Yeah, apparently. I don't know the full story, but I've seen a lot of crazy stuff.

Listen, you fuck a minion, you get that brain worm. Yeah. Oh, we said eat. Yeah. No one is talking about fucking a minion at all.

Well... Yes, are you wrapping up for us? I was starting to feel a bit hot. Oh, okay. Do you have the air off? No, the air is on now. Oh, then I'm having some sort of a mental event. Yeah, I believe you are breaking down and we need to throw you in the movie den. Hey, how long do we have to get to? Timestamp-wise. We're out of time. How long do we have to get to? We're out of time. We could end right now. Do you need to...

Do I got anything else? You came here electively, and you're acting like you've been held hostage. You could have coasted on fame. Oh, man. I want to hear more about fucking a minion. I'll say it. You're not afraid, Jack. I had the RFK brainwashed for a second there, yeah. All right, we are running out of time, guys. Oh, we are. Oh, thank God. Good, apparently. We are running out of time. We only have time for... You guys see Inside Out 2? Yeah.

Wait, do you want to be gone or do you want to stay? I don't understand. I'm a little hungry, so I guess I can leave. Do you want to leave? Yeah, I guess so. Or do you want to talk about movies? Because we can talk about movies. On the way out, I'd like to know your thoughts on Inside Out 2 because I quite enjoyed it. If you put them together, it's Inside Out Despicable Me 6. Inside Despicable Out Me 6. Now that I would see. That I would see. Until that happens. All right.

We only have time for one final feature on the show. That's, of course, a little something called plugs. It's time for the plugs. All right. That was plug cop-a-lips.

by Son of Al Soli. So nasty. Is that your style of music? That's so nasty. Oh, yeah. I blare that stuff in the van. Yeah, you like... I did R.I.P. Yeah, you like shit like that? I love... Scott, I love that shit.

Do the wolves like it? They can't stand it. They have sensitive ears. They'll have. They've got ears. They're ears. Do you call these items on our head, hearers? Honestly, they should be hearers instead of ears, because what do they do? They hear. They hear. They hear. They hear.

He got my ass, for sure. All right, what are we plugging? Obviously, speaking for our dear Departed guests, mid-season check-in for the boys, that's on Amazon Prime. We have approximately two more episodes to go. And then Star Trek Lower Decks, I believe, is going to be on in the fall. We have no idea. I'm just speaking for our dear Departed guests. But what else do we want to plug? I'd just like to plug that...

Paramount Mountain commercial my friend was cut out of. Everyone should go back and watch it. It's great. Check it out. It's pretty funny. I mean, it's a good time. Yeah. Have you ever watched a commercial and been like, I'm so glad none of them were ever in the same room? Yeah. No, I'm like, oh, I'm glad everyone's just talking to a piece of tape on the wall. Oh, thank God. That's

I don't have to imagine the uncomfortable conversations anytime they called cuts. I don't want to think about Sylvester Stallone and Scott Stapp from Creed standing over a plate of mini muffins. I don't want to think about that. I much prefer to obviously tell that no one was there at the same time. No one was in the same space and or century, practically. Very good.

And as far as you, Janice Dickinson, anything you want to plug? Yeah, there's this really wholesome Superman show. Oh, yeah. On Max. No one fucks a minion in it, I promise. Now I feel like someone does.

I mean, maybe in season three. You can only hope. You know what I mean? You sound like Sly St. Lawrence. You're segwaying into that. Wow. At the mere mention of him, suddenly you... Yeah, yeah. That's all editing. With AI, you can make me sound like... You know what I mean? Oh, have you been AI'd this whole time? Oh, man. I don't even know where I begin in AI ends. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a crazy time. What's the show called? But My Adventures with Superman. It's really just nice. Like, no one explodes in a pool of blood in it at all. Whose voice is the title set in? Some fucking nepo, baby. I think Chet Hayes. No, no, no, no. What I mean is, like, someone is saying, what I mean to say is, someone is saying My Adventures with Superman. Who's the person saying it? You're going to have to wait to find out, baby. Is the title set in? I wonder whose voice the title is set in.

Whose voice am I accepting? Is this going to be like The Office where we find out who's behind the camera in the final season? And in both instances, it's me, supermodel Janice Dickinson. Oh, interesting. God, I auditioned for that. I wanted that. The Office? We go to a lot of the same VO auditions, you and me. I wanted to be the camera guy because I'm a camera guy. Sure, sure. Jack, speaking of which, what do you have to plug? Anything going on with you? Oh, man. When I'm not listening to...

I'm listening to the Action Boys podcast. Can't get enough of that. Yeah. That's a long-running show where they talk about action movies from, what's the cutoff? 93 or something? I think 98. 98 is now the cutoff? Yeah. Interesting. And how many years has that been going? God, probably since 2017. Yeah. I mean, at this point, who knows? Who knows? I can't keep up with it. Where do people get that?

On Patreon. Yeah. Of all places, Patreon. Actionboys.biz. Interesting. With a Z. How many years does it have left? Oh, I don't know. I gotta... If you had a time stamp, like the finish line, what do you have to reach? A demarcation point. When is this done? I think whenever, like however long the host doctors give them at their next physical. Okay. All right. I want to plug... Hey, guys. We are...

Starting this week, we're back up on the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. This week, we're going to Arizona. We're going to Tucson and Phoenix and then heading over to San Diego. That's all starting on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And then...

Right after that, we, boy, we've got a really long leg. That goes to Salt Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto. Will Jack Quaid be at that show? He may be. Probably not. I'm hearing no. All signs are pointing to no. Sources are saying no. Will Joshua Jackson be at that show? Will who? Joshua Jackson. Will Lights Camera Joshua Jackson be at that show? He ought to change his name.

Joshua Jackson. And Rowling...

and Joshua Jackson. But yeah, Toronto and then Detroit and Pittsburgh, Indianapolis. I'm forgetting, but we end up in Minnesota. And then we're going to the UK and the tickets for the London stop are almost sold out and Dublin. Both of those shows are sold out, I believe, but there's still tickets available for the Manchester and whatever. Oh, Glasgow and wherever else we are at.

So go over to cbbworld.com slash tour and you can get tickets for all those shows. And if you are not near any of those cities, you can follow along with us over there at CBB World. We're putting up all the shows the day after we do them. So that's all in a new feed in the Bang Bang Into Your Mouth 24 tour feed. So if you have not added that feed to your subscription yet, just head over to cbbworld.com and then click add.

access at that feed and while you're there there's so many other great things like uh cbb presents in the neighborhood listen in college town so much more over there all right let's close up the old oh do you have something you want to plug no i just saw that the the star tours bus did arrive oh i just wanted to let we're all waiting on that feed that much yeah i'm getting hungry all right let's close up the old plug one two three four

That's it. That should do it right there.

Anyway, I decided to play a little instrument at the end of that. That was you. Thank you so much. That was Plug Machine by your one female fan. Thanks to our one female fan for that. Wonderful. And if you want to upload a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs. Guys, I want to thank you so much for being here. Yeah, absolutely.

We'll be right out. Coming right out. Yeah. Sorry. They don't wait long. No, especially not at this house. But will you? Everyone's very disappointed. If you go out and wave and prove to them that this is actually your house, they'll add you to the tour. Oh, sure. Yeah, I'll do that. Yeah. No problem. I'll go and tell them Scott Aukerman lives here. Yeah. Well, thanks. Thanks, guys. Jesse Pinkman's here, too. He's going to go out there with you. Jesse, what are you doing here?

Hey, you sneaky bitch. You sneaky bitch. We're all Jesse Pinkman. Three Jesse Pinkmans? Yeah. What happened? That's why we have three houses on the tour. Wow. No wonder he filmed that show so well. Yes, there's Jesse Pinkman. Yo, it's me, the third Jesse Pinkman. And you're the best sounding one. You little bitch. You little bitch. You little fucking bitch. We'll see you next time. Thanks, bye.

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