Bonus Bang: Neil Campbell, Paul Rust, Fran Gillespie (Old No-No's)
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome back to another Bonus Bang. Bonus Bangs are episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that were recorded a while ago that we are re-releasing out from behind the paywall, and we are in the middle of a series of Bonus Bangs called Old No-No's.

where we are re-releasing episodes featuring the beloved CBB segment from Paul Russ, New No-Nos. This week's episode is number 374. It's called TikTok Clock, spelled C-L-A-W-K. It was released on September 10th, 2015.

Now, this episode features Neil Campbell as the timekeeper, Paul Rust, and a young lad named Marco, played by Fran Gillespie. There's more Would You Rather, there are lots of new no-no's, and more next.

It's a grand old time for the timekeeper, of course. And of course, if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com, where you can find every episode we've ever recorded, as well as every single live episode. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Much like the common house spider, I have eight giant legs and a mortgage. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you, Yodeling Walrus. And I realize I added the word giant because I thought it said that, and then it didn't. But hey, it still works with giant in it. So thank you so much. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another episode. And what an episode it is! I'm Scott Aukerman. Welcome to the program. If you never heard an episode...

What is comedy? Hmm. Let's see. You got old tragedy. And then how long? I mean, it's debatable, certainly. But some time creeps in, certainly. And speaking of time, our guest got very excited when I said that word. He's been on the show only once before. Do you remember how long ago?

TikTok, TikTok, how many moons was it? Twas the sixth anniversary show. Yes, I believe it was the first Monday of May, perhaps. So, good day.

A good four months at this point. Anyway. A wonderful amount of time. Yes. Please welcome back Maxwell Keeper, a.k.a. The Time Keeper. The Time Keeper. Tis I. Tis I. Okay. Hello, Maxwell. Greetings, Scott. Greetings to you. Or hello is a more...

You know, just a general way of saying that. Salutations. Okay, hello. Yes. Yes. Okay. Welcome back to the show. Catch people up on who exactly you are. You're from Tallahassee, Florida. Correct. And what do you do for a living? I love to celebrate and observe the passage of time.

Right. But more than that, for a living, you... Work at my brother-in-law's watch repair store. Right. Okay. And what is that called again? What's the store? Longo Watch Repair. Okay. And that's in Tallahassee, if anyone's... It's in Tallahassee. Yeah. Do you have an address? Yes, I do. 6723 West Edgeboro Road. Mm-hmm.

In Tallahassee. Okay, you sounded like you had more to come on that. No. Usually when people end a sentence on road, like that uh, uh, uh, that's a signal for there is more to come. Yes, I just do that because I like people to go, hmm, I should have.

Wait, and then they pay more attention to time. Ah, I see. Yeah, there were quite a few seconds that ticked by. Yes, tick-tock, tick-tock. Tick-tock, tick-tock. And what's happening at the watch store lately?

When do you work there? What's your shift? I open and close the store, and I'm there all day. They don't ask me to. I just love being there. And then I call people and let them know what time it is if their watch is in for repair. I call them every... That's right. How long? Every 10 minutes. They can sign up, actually, for a period. For longer or shorter amounts of time. Exactly.

They give you, or the other people who work there, their watch. You repair it. I don't know how to repair a watch. My brother, Desmond Longo, knows how to repair watches. Why does he have a different...

Last name. My brother-in-law, my sister Eleanor married him. Oh, Eleanor Keeper? Eleanor Longo, nay Keeper. Yes, okay, very good. Now, so you call these people who are watch lists every 10 minutes or... Correct, correct. But I've been working on a new way of...

Oh. Of getting in touch with people or having them get in touch with me. Wait, they are getting in touch with you. Okay. Right now, they're beholden to my schedule. I call them every 10 minutes. But sometimes you want to know what time it is, even though you can't wait around for 10 minutes for me to call and tell you. Certainly. So it's like at that moment that they would be glancing at their watch. Yes. What do they do? Instead, here's what they could do. Well, here's what I'd like.

I'm trying to raise money. Okay, so which is it? What you would like them to do or what they could do? Well, it involves an app. But I need to do a Kickstarter or something like that. Indiegogo, perhaps. Okay. And...

And raise the funds to develop and create this app. Okay. What app is it? Now, it's an app, and it would be on your phone. Okay, sure. We all know what app. On your mobile device. Okay, go ahead. And if you want to know what time it is... Yes, we've established the situation very clearly. You pull out your phone, you find this app, you press the app, and then it will call me...

And then I can... On your beeper or something? Do you get a callback number? Yeah, it calls my answering service. Okay. And then I'll get the message and I will...

Go outside, look at the sun to figure out what time it is. Okay. And then come back in and call you on that phone to tell you what time it is. And how long does this process take normally? I run as fast. Okay. As fast as the wind will take me. Certainly. I'm not questioning your ability nor speed of running. Thank you. But about front to back.

from wondering what time it is to finding out what time it is about how long is the process? Oh, I'd give it a good seven to 10 minutes. Okay. Can I ask one question? Yes. And this is obvious to me and perhaps our listeners, but maybe isn't popping up for you, but on these mobile phones. Yes.

They have numbers on the faces. Correct. Anytime you turn one on, practically. Yes. And what that denotes, what those numbers denote, is what time it actually is. Well, sure. Yes, yes. If you want to trust that, but if you want a more accurate, distinguished measure of time measurement, I can be the one to tell you. Instead of relying, you know, you can get it.

What do they say? You can get it done cheap, or you can get it done quickly, or you can get it done right. Pick two of the three. So you can get it done cheap and right? Or quickly and right? I'm right, and I'm fast. Okay.

Okay, here's another thing. How often are you correct when you're just looking at the sun? Why don't you look at a watch, one of the watches? I know there's a lot of broken watches in the shop. Those are just numbers and they're trying to guess. Time is actually based on where the sun is in the sky. Okay. I'm going to the source on this. How good are you at it? As you know, we have a sunroof here.

in the studio. I'm going to test you out. I have my digital phone, which is hooked up to the satellites, which are hooked up to, I would imagine, Big Ben? Very well. I mean, sure, you're going to get some delay. Do you like Big Ben? Oh, I love Big Ben. I have a poster of Big Ben in my room. Oh, really? And we're not talking about Big Benjamin Franklin at this point. No, no. We're talking the clock. I'm talking clock. Okay. Okay.

All right, so I know what time it is currently. Great. And I want you to look out that sunroof and I'll test you here at how accurate you are. I would say, oh, 5.12 p.m. and 39 seconds.

Okay, it is nine in the morning. Well... Now, we had an appointment for you to show up at nine in the morning. Yes. And there's no way that you think from the beginning of this show until now that eight hours had elapsed. Here's the issue. Okay. I'm used to looking at it from the exact longitude and latitude... Oh, I see. ...of Longo Watropaia, or the parking lot out back anyway. Okay. And so...

That's a different time zone. Okay, still, from L.A. to Tallahassee, it's only about noon there. Yes, yes. But when you account for several other factors, it would be 5, 12, 39 seconds. Oh, okay. I didn't realize that. Thank you, thank you. Okay, you're right, and I'm wrong. Yes. So once those factors have been taken into said account, then I'm correct. And so you can use this app. I call it Clockwork.

Clock. C-L-A-W-K. Oh, okay. That's clever. Yes. Okay, what's the icon? And you can use that and you'll get a more accurate time. It's that drawing of Big Ben that's in my room that I did. The poster? Oh, wait, you drew it? I drew it. So when you say you have a poster, you just drew a very large... Yes, my sister doesn't allow me to have...

Oh, why does she allow this one? She's trying to encourage my creativity. She says I'm not creative enough. Did you draw it from memory or from a reference photo? Memories of dreams I've had. Oh, okay. Have you ever even seen one picture of it? I feel it's been represented in several forms of media I've consumed. Oh, really? Such as the great mouse detective perhaps? Yes, yes. Mostly that. Okay. Okay.

Very good. And may I see this icon?

On your phone? Here you are. Okay. I don't have a smartphone, but this is the drawing. Okay, so you, oh, you have, wow, you have just a giant diary. Do you mind if I flip through this thing? My gosh. Be my very guest. So many pages. Thank you. There's so much written down here. It took quite a lot of, dare I say it, time. Okay. Okay, this is, I mean, it's definitely, I can recognize it as a clock. Thank you. Thank you.

As Big Ben, I'm not really sure. Well, it's a small icon. It's hard to... Yeah, but... Big is relative. Sure, okay. It's not necessarily the size of it. It's just, you know, all this is is a circle with... There don't seem to be any kind of hands on the clock. It just is a circle with a frowny face, almost like a Charlie Brown shirt. Yes. You know, the zigzag? Yes. It's just a tiny picture of a face. Yes, well...

Yes, well, I thought, you know, it's an abstract portrayal. You know, Van Gogh wasn't a good artist because he painted the most accurate photorealistic. Oh, I see. This is how you feel when you look at Big Ben? Yes, it's expressionist. Okay, so people are going to have this app called Clock. Clock! And it's just going to be a face of a human being. Yes. Who seems sort of disinterested in anyone clicking on it. Correct. And this is a good idea for an app.

Thank you. Okay, no, it was more of a question. Oh, it is, it is. And if so, I don't know how to start to...

A Kickstarter or... Maybe you could learn. Or perhaps a listener could make one for me and raise the funds. How much time... And then figure out who to give them to to develop said app. Okay. Why do you... Where did you go to school? Tallahassee. When you... That's a town. High school. Yes, high school. Oh, okay. You never went to college? No, no. Heavens no. Okay. Why do you talk like this?

I suppose it was the only way I know how. Why does the bullfrog ribbit at thine moon? Oh, gosh. It's not just my moon. It's our moon. Very true. Very true. I hate to take possession 100% of it. And what was your favorite class when you were in high school?

My favorite class was maths. Arithmetic? Arithmetic, yes. The numbers reminded me of the very numbers upon a clock face. Okay. But what about 13? Boof! Boof! Boof!

That's not on a clock. You don't like that number? My sister once showed me a military time clock. Just once? That's the only time you've seen one? Yes, it was a digital clock that told military time. It had a 13. So in the rare exception...

I'm okay with the number 13. And you live with your sister, I'm guessing? Uh-huh, and my brother-in-law. Okay. In their spare room, or is it the house you grew up in? Yeah, there's not a door on it, but it's sort of like a little alcove. Why is there not a door? Well, they don't have a very big place. Oh, it's not a room? Yeah. Oh, I see. It's an open concept kind of situation. Exactly. Oh, okay. And where is it located? In Tallahassee. No, I mean in the actual house. Is it...

Oh, the room? Yeah. It's sort of by the laundry, the washing machine, and even the very dryer. Okay. The very dryer that what? Usually when one says the very... That removes the very moisture that the washing machine forces upon our cloth. Calm down. You're standing up shaking your fist right now. I'm sorry. I've worked up. Okay, but...

It's very nice of them to let me stay there. What happened to your situation? You don't have an apartment? No, no. Well, my parents forced me to move out. Oh, I see. It was one of those situations. I was at...

And I came home and they had moved. Oh, okay. A forced move out. Yes. And I had nowhere to go. And my sister said I could stay with her and Desmond. You're close with Desmond and your sister? Elizabeth, was it? Eleanor. Eleanor, right. Eleanor. Yes, Eleanor Keeper. Yes. Long ago. You're close with them? They're the only people who have ever spoken to me other than you. Oh, wow.

Really? Well, recently. I mean, I suppose the customers. What about, yeah, the customer, you're apparently calling these customers and letting them know the time. We don't have much time for chit-chat. I have over four customers I must call every day. Isn't it ironic you don't have a lot of... Time. Yeah. It's the one thing that is...

In abundant supply, yet no one has enough of it. Okay, thank you. That's, I guess so, but... Yes, I think I'm quite right. Okay.

And what are you doing back on the show? You wanted to talk about the app. The app, yes. You're here to co-host with me. I thought I'd jockey a few discs with you. Okay, we don't play songs on the show anymore. We do have a guest, though. Maybe you're a fan of comedy. I am certainly a fan of comedy. I've spent quite a lot of time laughing at the very comedies of Harold Lloyd. Okay, is he your favorite because he hung off that clock tower? Oh!

Okay, you're not a fan of Harold Lloyd. You're just laughing at a clock at this point. Well, I guess I'm laughing. So, yes. So what? A clock and a comedy. What are your favorite movies? Obviously, you've seen The Great Mouse Detective. Great Mouse Detective. You've seen that Harold Lloyd safety last. Yes, safety last. Back to the Future, have you seen that? Very good. Okay. Do you consider that to be a tragedy?

Well, I would say no because it starts and the clock is in disrepair and by the end it is working again. What are your other movies that you've seen?

Clock Watchers. Oh, okay. Wait, who's in that again? Lisa Kudrow. Oh, right. Okay. Anything else that you've seen? What about Nick of Time? Ooh, that one's good. Things that are in real time? What about 24? Is that your favorite show? I like, well, I got scared when it gets violent, but otherwise I like the concept. Yeah, I would also imagine that military time aspect of it when it's like beep, beep, beep, beep. That would not be to your taste.

I grew used to it. No, let it not be said. Maxwell, keep a hathent in open mind. I don't think hathent is a contraction. Tis now upon this very morn. Okay, all right. Look, we have to get to our next guest. Are you going to behave yourself? I shall. Let's cast the pods into the realm. Okay, that's not a saying. All right. Tisn't?

Our first guest is a comedian. He's obviously, I don't know, he's on the sort of kind of, he speaks the truth a lot. He's on the dangerous end of the spectrum of stand-up comedy. Well, I'm not afraid to speak the truth, Scott. There's a difference. We all know the truth, just some people are courageous about it and some people are not. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, I got some of the smartest, coolest, hippest fans. Mm-hmm.

They recognize the truth. They understand the truth. They can't say it themselves, otherwise they would be just as popular as you. Correct. So do you have a way of – by the way, Paul Rust is here. Hello, Paul. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, and Scott, just let me say. Yeah. I think this podcast is one of just the coolest, smartest, hippest podcasts too. So I'm not just like blowing smoke up my own ass. I agree verily. Okay. Oh, Maxwell. Maxwell.

Most importantly, funny, though. Yeah, well, I mean, we're funny because we speak the truth, obviously. Yeah, we're both... We're similar. Truth speakers, yeah. Yes, three of a kind. Okay. By the way, Paul, this is Maxwell Keeper. Hey, Maxwell. A thousand welcomes to you and yours. You probably wouldn't remember this, but we've met before. Oh, really? I was doing a show down in Tallahassee once. My watch broke.

Oh, you went to Longo's? No.

I went to a new watch store, bought a new watch, and Maxwell was roaming outside back and forth outside the... Outside the new watch store? Yeah. Oh, okay. Do you remember what that store was called by any chance? Crongo. Crongos. Okay. Our competitor. Okay, because you have two choices when one breaks a watch. Throw it away and buy a new one or get it fixed. It's a real Longo or Crongo situation. That's where that term came from. Okay, right.

So he was pacing around. Did you meet him? You had words? I don't know if accost is the right word, but we sort of, you know, I think we bumped into each other briefly. But like a physical bump? Yeah. Like a push? I mean, I think he tripped over my cape.

This cape was very long. Maybe that's on me. Can I ask, when you say your cape, what exactly are you talking about? I wear a midnight blue cloak cape with a star-filled inner lining. Oh, I see. Everywhere I go, it's on the floor here if I stand and...

I almost tripped on it. Oh, gosh. Wow, that is quite a cloak. Quite a star field. So that's all it was. You simply tripped upon the cloak and we bumped a little. And I might have said something about purchasing a new timepiece when you could have just repaired your old one. Yeah. Do you have regrets about that? Oh, certainly. Yeah.

And that's all I asked. For him to have a regret. We worked it out. We did. Right now. Where you had one regret and that's fine with him. Yes. Okay. And then he gave me tickets. He told me the tickets have...

Time printed on them. Oh, okay. I'll take a ticket to his show Well, he gave me two I couldn't get anyone to go with me and so I just went by myself But it was did you tear up the other ticket into just shreds? Yes. Yes. I tore it. I didn't frame it. Oh Wait, you're allowed to put framed items on your wall. Oh

I didn't say it's on the wall. It might have been under the bed. Okay. Interesting. So how was his act? Paul, you've been on this show many times. You're one of our favorite comedians. Thank you. Thank you, Scott. How was his act, Timekeeper Maxwell, I should call you? Oh, it was some of the most wondrous time I've ever spent. So funny and so filled with the very truths.

that our politicians refuse to tell us. Yeah. Did it start exactly at the same time that was printed on the ticket? No. That's kind of an oversight, Paul. Well, the last get funnier and bigger the later you go. Oh, okay. So a lot of times I'll just pace back and forth backstage for 45 minutes before I come out. Okay. How long was it that night, Timekeeper? I would imagine you would know out of anyone. 45 seconds and...

39 minutes. Okay, you can do it backwards. The European way. Sometimes. Okay, Japanese, I believe. If you please. Okay, well, Paul, obviously you're one of our funniest comedians. There's a lot going on in the world right now. We'll have to get cheesed off about Scott. Let's just put it plain and simple. There's a lot in the world. Yeah.

To get your wheels greased. Yeah. Obviously, I mean, you got things like this lady out there, the court clerk who, you know, what's her name? Uh...

She's not giving out marriage licenses. Scott, I don't dip my toe in those waters. Oh, okay. Oh, all right. Well, obviously, you know, some other stuff that's going on is, you know, Donald Trump is out there and, you know, all the Republican candidates are out there really trying to drum up support. You also have Hillary, who is undergoing her mini scandal with the email server. I mean, what's going on? It's so funny. I get so many of my followers on Twitter saying, when are you going to new no-no Trump?

They're waiting for my take. Yeah, your patent did new no-nos, which is one of your sort of schticks. One of his very bits. Right. And what do you answer them, those people? You're going to have to wait for 2016. Oh, okay. Okay, okay. So what do you got then? What are we talking about? What do you got, Joe? I think to talk...

I think I should do my new no-no, Scott. Oh, really? Start the clock. What? Start the clock. Good afternoon. At the show, time will be... Time? Now, Scott, you know what new no-no's are. It's where I establish some rules for how I think... Should be. Should be. Right. Yeah, we all know new no-no's. A very popular feature. It's like Bill Maher's new rules. Okay, okay, okay. What? What?

New no-no. Is it just me or is back-to-school shopping starting earlier and earlier every year? Yeah. Am I right? True. Yes, it is. So I guess here I am, mid-June, standing at a Target, buying school supplies for myself. Because somebody on the TV says, it's time to go back to school. Hmm. I'm not in school. Don't have kids. But I'm buying supplies and new gym shoes. Okay.

No, no, no. Let's start school in December. Okay. Oh. Did you end up going to school? Yeah. I just started sixth grade. Oh, God.

A baffling assortment of information. Some of it quite contradictory to the other. New no-no. All right, good. Let's get this back. New no-no. Here we go. I love it. Deflategate? Can somebody explain deflategate to me? Hey, let's just make it nice and simple, huh? For all the air that got taken out of the balls last season, we put it back in the balls next season. Make the balls bigger.

I know the groupies won't mind. What? If the balls are poofier and filled with more air. Yes. A lady's most secret fantasy.

Okay. The Faber Sex. New non-no inflate gate. Yeah. Oh, yes. Okay. It's a unique take on the deflate gate controversy. As long as we're talking about sports. Have you guys heard of this new thing? Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition? Yeah, I've been hearing about it for decades. Yes.

It's this magazine. They tell you you can flip through it and look at different pictures of ladies in bikinis. Let's just make it fair. When I open the magazine, why doesn't a swimsuit fall out? A pair of swimming trunks for me or a bikini for my wife. You're married?

Not yet. Something to entice your wife with. To lure her into a relationship. You know that Sports Illustrated subscription you were trying to talk me out of? Look in your closet. There's a new string bikini for you, babe. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Very good. Is that one done? No, no, no.

Yeah, new one. Okay. New, new, no, no. Usually you end your new no-no with a sort of encapsulation. Oh, new no-no. Give me a string bikini to wear. Okay. So many magazines fail and they have articles about something, but when you open it up, objects don't fall out. Start the clock. Yeah, start it again. Ooh, TikTok. What is your favorite magazine? TikTok.

Time! Okay. Very good. That was worth the wait. No, no, no. Could somebody explain these baby changing stations in men's room? Have you ever seen one of these get used? Yeah. All the time. Sorry, I didn't mean to get... Oh, stepping on his...

Because not once have I ever seen a little baby walk over, unlatch the changing station, crawl up, pull off his little pants, and change his own diaper. Haven't seen it once, and I've looked baby-y. When I'm standing at the urinal, I got my eye on that baby changing station the whole time. Totally.

Sometimes I'll poop in the urinal so I can keep my eyes on it the whole time. Is this something you want to see or not? I gotta see it so I know where my tax dollars are going. Have you ever seen a parent put a child on top of one of them and then change its diapers? I saw a baby put its parent on there once and change its dirty underwear. Okay. Well, I would be more amazed by that. This baby was strong.

New no-no. Yeah. Yes? Men shouldn't change babies' diapers. Oh, wow. That went into a misogynistic bent at the end of it. It seems unrelated to the rest of it. I'm sorry, but my comedy is a lot like Eddie Murphy's. A little delirious and raw. Oh, okay. And sort of non-existent now. It comes in clumps. Okay.

All right, what? You got another one? Episode seven? Where's Darth Vader? He might be. No one knows. He could be in it. Yeah. What, did he die? He died in six. Then come back. His helmet is in the trailer.

It counts! Oh, so you're happy now? Yeah! Okay. That's the first new no-no I'm striking, and it's in old. Yes, yes! Okay. It gets reversed. That's the opposite! Yes. New no-no, designer jeans. You hear kids nowadays all the time. I didn't want to do this because I thought it was too soon. You see kids, and they got the designer's name on the backs of their jeans. Okay. Okay.

You say, "Why?" And they're like, "Oh, it's the new style." Don't you know? It's the new style. That's a child's voice. I don't want jeans that are designed by anyone. I want to just wear big scraps of denim tied together with twine.

Who's gonna tie it together? Z Cavaricci. I'll have a jeans designer tie it on me, but I'm not gonna wear his name on my ass. I'm not sure that's a new thing. I think most jeans have the name of the label on the back. Hey, the only name that I'm gonna have on my ass is my future wife's. As a tattoo? Cause she owns it! Oh, okay. Great.

Technically. No, no, no. Yes. Y2K? Chill out. It's four years from now. It's not. No. No. No, that was 15 years ago. You misunderstood time. Let me take this time, too, to time. Yes. To honor the 20 year, next year is the 20 year anniversary of

Princess Diana's death. Goodbye, Inglis Rose. You were truly the people's princess. Okay. This doesn't seem to fit in with your act at all. A tragedy to be sure, but 20 years is a wonderful amount of time. Okay. I'm glad that you enjoyed that. All right. Should I do one more? Yeah, maybe we should restart the clock because I feel like it's just about... I've never gone more than twice through it.

I wouldn't mind hearing a few old yes-yeses, too. I enjoyed that one. Old yes-yes. Wine? Uh-huh. Yeah. That's an old age as well. Uh-huh. Yes, yes, it does. The best ingredient in wine is thyme. Oh, what about comedy?

Tragedy plus time, yes. Oh, that's how we introduced you. That's Segway. I'm forgetting already. I got very excited by something. Sorry, Segway set me off. After Usain Bolt ran the 200 meters in 19.55 seconds of time, a Segway hit him.

Okay. All right. What's your last one? Stop the clock. Start the clock or stop it? Stop the clock. Stop the clock. Stop it.

One more, start the clock! Yeah! Good afternoon. No, no, no. Roberto Benigni? Who is this guy? Won an Oscar, or two maybe, for Life is Beautiful. Oh yeah, and he's real excited about it, huh? Jumping up, running across those seats to get his Oscar. Yeah. So you do know him? Yeah. That's all it took is me saying he won an Oscar and you... Jogged my memory. Okay, great. Hey, Roberto? Yeah, yeah buddy, you can climb across chairs...

In a pit of hot molten lava, dude. Oh, no. Shots fired. That one took place closer to Y2K. Yeah, certainly. And do you end it with an encapsulation of how you feel about it? Speak truth. Oh, okay. Great.

That was all new material from when I saw you in Tallahassee. He doesn't stop the clock until you say stop the clock. Stop the clock. I'm sorry. Stop the clock. All right. Good, good, good. All right. I thought Maxwell, you can start and stop from now on. Why would I ever stop a clock? Those were interesting.

So, and that's all new material. You write a new hour every year, right? Uh, two new hours every year. And then I, a lot of times just scrap the other hour and just take the best stuff. Okay. What, what was all that taken from? That was the stuff I scrapped. Okay. Why don't you bring us some good stuff next time? Yeah. It's funny. When I was coming over here, I had a lot of A plus stuff. And, uh, do you remember any of it? See, um,

Hey, I'm sorry, pumpkins? Okay, we carve them in October, we make them pies in November, and we just forget about these orange little devils for 10 months? No, no, no. On the 4th of July, I'm going to make my friends roll a pumpkin around. That was the best one! Okay! I enjoyed that! Okay, very good!

Oh, Paul Rust. Fantastic stuff. Thank you so much. Edgy, edgy. Edgy stuff. The letters will come pouring in like the rains from above. I can't wait for three months from now when we get to your Trump stuff. Yeah. All right. Well, we have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Maxwell Keeper and more Paul Rust. We'll be right back.

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We've all got a thing. For me, it's vintage furniture. And now talking about how I found it on eBay is like my whole personality. Even at 2 a.m., when I can't get 19th century sofas off my mind, I'm on eBay for sure, scrolling my favorite seller's storefront, setting search alerts and building the watch list of my literal dreams. I know antique lamps aren't everybody's thing, but the best part about eBay is it doesn't matter what you're into. Fashion, car parts, trading cards, it's all there. So go find the thing that keeps you up at night. eBay. Things. Things.

People. Love. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. We have Maxwell Keeper. TikTok. Is with me. Is that your catchphrase or is that just what goes through your head? It's my very catchphrase. Ah, very good. And Paul Rust is here. Comedian Paul Rust. Sharp. Sharp? Is that your catchphrase? Yeah. What does it mean? The time. Sharp. What? Like six o'clock sharp. Oh.

Because I got an edge. Oh, I see. You're edgy comedy. Sharp, sharp. Then I was wrong. Okay, very good. Well, we have another guest. Do we have time, do you think, Timekeeper? There's always more time. And yet, what were you saying about it before? There's not enough of it? Yet there's never enough. Okay, yeah. Yet there's always more. Yeah, so even after we die, it's not enough time for a lot of us, but there will still be more time. That's Bufo's paradox.

Who's Bufo? The philosopher who came up with this paradox. Don't you mean the very philosopher? The very philosopher who came up with said paradox. Okay. I'm noticing you have about two vocal tics. Thank you. Okay. Verily. All right. Well, we have to get to our next guest. He is a, how old?

Scott, I am a high school junior. High school junior? Okay, very good. And he's here to tell us all about his new venture. Please welcome Marco. Hello, Marco. Hello, Scott. Thank you very much for having me. My name is Marco. I'm a junior, and I'm looking to go on a missions trip this spring. At this time, I do need to raise $3,000 in order to go on the missions trip, and I'm looking for donations from you and your listeners. Oh, donations. A lot of high school kids sell things.

in order to raise the money, or you're just looking for a handout? At this time, the things that I was supposed to sell, I didn't understand that they were to sell, and I did eat all the candy bars. So at this time, I am just looking for a donation. You thought they were just giving you candy bars. Well, I thought that it was just part of the missions trip, and I had to raise the money. I thought it was like a little pre-trip celebration here, like, hey, have a whole bunch of candy bars before we go. Well, I thought it was just something that you got when you signed up to it.

to be interested in a mission strip. And then I accidentally had all of them. And so at this time, I do need $3,000. Okay. You couldn't just... I mean, obviously, you can't return the candy bars. So you owe these people $3,000. That's right. Just to break even. And the $3,000 to go on the mission strip. So you need $6,000. Okay.

At this time, $6,000 is the amount of money total that I do need. Do you need any money for clothes and food and supplies? No. The cost of the mission trip will be $3,000, and that will cover room, board, food, and travel. Okay. Great. Okay. So you're looking for $6,000. $6,000 large. That's right. And I do want to tell you that it will be a 10-day trip to Honduras, and in that time I will be teaching preschoolers English. Okay.

Oh, okay. Wow, that's a lofty goal. Why preschoolers? Because that is the age where people are able to learn the most language. Okay, so a missions trip. You know, it feels weird, though, just to ask for money. I mean, the chocolate is probably not worth it. How much were the chocolate bars supposed to be sold for? It was going to be $3 for each chocolate bar, and I had 1,000 chocolate bars. And I had a couple friends over, and on one crazy weekend, we did finish all the chocolate bars. One weekend? Yeah.

That's right. 1,000 chocolate bars? That's right. How many is that, Timekeeper, per hour? 500 per day. Okay. 24 of those lovable hours in a day. Sure, sure. 24 goes into 500. Probably 400.

Times five. Mm-hmm. Plus a little remainder. Okay. So about four per hour? Hours. I love them. Okay. So math was your favorite subject. Yes. Were you any good at it? No. I just liked how it reminded me of clocks. Okay. Okay.

Needless to say, it was a crazy weekend. I do regret my behavior. But at this time, I do need to break even at the very least. But wouldn't the $3,000 that...

If they're just donating $3,000, I'm getting good at math now. Yes. Why would you need another $3,000 on top of that? Wouldn't that $3,000 be the amount you needed to sell 1,000 candy bars for $3? You ate them, but then if you get that money... A rare moment of lucidity for the timekeeper. Yes, thank you. I do, at this time, need $3,000 for the trip and then an extra $3,000 for spending money while I'm there.

Okay. I see. I see. Okay. Okay. Okay. I got to say that I kind of – I'm not just going to give you money. I kind of want something in return for it. Well, I have a lot that I can offer, not in goods but in services, and I will be available to you. Okay.

I am very handy, and I will come over and— Why are you making a jerk-off motion with your hand right now? Well, I'm just letting you know that if there is something that you would please have for me, that this trip means almost the world to me, and so I'm willing to sacrifice— Why are you making the blowjob—

with like sticking your tongue in your cheek. Well, Scott, this is an important trip to me. This means a lot to me. And if there's anything I can do for you, there's no hole I'm scared of. No hole you're scared of? Your hole, the only hole of his you're referring to is the urethra. Well, I don't know.

No, no, the timekeeper's right. The only hole I ever refer to is the urethra. On him? Okay. Paul? I don't know about that. I mean, I know that I could use maybe an intern. I'm walking around all the time, and I'm just rattling off new no-no's around my place. TikTok.

And I'm writing them down on scraps of paper and napkins. And I don't know, I could use some little hands. Well, Paul, I can't tell you that I have little hands, but I do have hands that can get the work done. Okay, so let's just try one right now. I'll rattle off a new no-no. Oh, that would be great. Let's see if you can write it down. Start the clock. Okay, I'll write it down as fast as I can. Good afternoon. Afternoon. A great time period. Oh, one of the very ones after morn. Okay.

Toupées? Hmm. Okay, yeah, sure. You can wear your toupee as long as you promise me your hair will keep growing underneath. Okay? Okay, I got it. Usually, by the way, Paul, maybe you've forgotten how you do these. You then finish it by going, no, no, no, and then you encapsulate it in a way that we can all understand exactly what you're saying. Yeah, but sometimes I feel like then it's hard to ramp back into a new one.

Okay, I just wanted to let you know how you used to do it. Maybe you've changed your style. I mean, comics evolve. Carlin used to be very goofy and then... Carlin pulled me aside and told me this was going to happen. Oh, okay. Crangy Carlin. Crangy Carlin. Two pays. I'll give you two pays as long as you keep letting the hair grow underneath new Nono.

I wrote it down. See, I'm available for a little test. I didn't see you write it down. Maybe you just committed it to memory? Absolutely, and I will do that for you. I'm so committed to going to Honduras. All my friends are going to be there, and if I don't go, I'm going to be left out all of senior year, and I'm dedicated to going and helping and also having just a bum-ass time with my family.

I'm curious, what kind of charitable charity are you doing? Charitable? What kind of charitable? Churchill. Which missions? The mission, well, as I did say, we are going to hunters and we will be teaching the language. We will be teaching rough English to preschoolers in 10 days. You don't have to say, as I did say, like, in your face, I already said this. You know what I mean? It's kind of rude to say that to a person, don't you agree? You're asking for wealth.

Yeah, it seems like you'd be a little more humble about your situation, you know. Well, in Honduras, there will be many opportunities besides just teaching language for me to grow and learn and become the man that my father would like me to be. Oh, what's your father's situation? My father's situation is he is currently in an active coma from the neck down, which does mean that he...

Seems like a coma would be from the neck up a lot of times. An active coma from the neck down. Go on, be out with it, boy. Well, as it turns out, as it does turn out, my father did take a- As it turns out. So just meaning like the reality of your situation? Well, as it does turn out, over this past summer, my father did take a shallow dive. Why are you doing the blowjob motion again?

Look, no one's interested in your shallow dive, whatever you're trying to... So I will continue to say that my father is from the neck down, completely unconscious, but from the neck up, he's able to speak in discipline. Okay, so he's paralyzed. Well, in every sense of the word...

They think he could walk again if his limbs would just wake up? Well, circumstances being what they may. All right, just speak plain English. Someone needs to teach you English. Okay, well, my father, the doctors do say that there will be a more conscious feeling in his body,

If all goes according to plan. What are the plans? Well, he lives in an ice bath to keep his body taut and...

This all makes sense. Go on. Okay. My father has to keep his body taut. Are these medicine doctors? Doctors of medicine? We are Christian scientists, so at this juncture, the medicals... All they can really give you is ice baths? That's right. And so my father's body is maintaining its state. Can I tell you something? Your dad was paralyzed from jumping off a...

diving board into a shallow pool and but you're Christian scientists he's not gonna get better unless the ice baths are not gonna work well it will maintain the body at the stasis it was him stop doing the handjob motion and when you say maintain the body all right well it's been showing signs of recovery and what signs as of yet my father is able to get aroused oh wait so his penis okay

Marco! So what are you doing in order to get his penis hard? That's not for me. My father does have a girlfriend who visits us twice weekly. A great amount of time. Yes.

Much to my mother's chagrin. But this girlfriend has been keeping his mind and body active. I would imagine your mother would just like to see progress regardless of how it's... That's exactly right. The way the Christian scientist is, like, oh my God, and my mother knows it doesn't go for himself.

Is a mission of religion? Is this a Christian science mission? Yeah, I didn't read. That's right. I'm spreading the word of the science of Christian and... Take us through Christian scientists because what exactly do you believe in? A Christian scientist does believe at this juncture that... As it turns out...

In the meantime, a Christian scientist does believe that a medical doctor is something that does go against God's plan. How does he feel about adultery because your dad has a girlfriend? Well, according to science, that is in our human nature to not be monogamous. So at this juncture in Christian scientry, we do believe that adultery.

Affairs are not looked down on but encouraged because it is nature of the game to want and to Stray do you want Marco? Um, well, I will say in the meantime I do have a I do have a lady friend that is waiting for me in Honduras in the very village that the missions

You guys are maybe made for each other. I don't know what your respective situations. You're obviously... I do have a girlfriend waiting in my... You may be bisexual, though. He's 12. I'm a junior. I am 16 years old. He's 16. I'm 31.

I don't know what your situation is. I'm a virgin. Okay. What would you like if you were to have sex? Does gender matter to you or does it just whomever you fall in love with? Gender is a construct. What matters is what the heart wants, the normal heart. Okay, great. So you may be interested in Marco here.

I ain't no sicko. What does that mean? He's a little boy. Well, you know, I mean, one can emancipate oneself. I do think you would be surprised at the man's body that I do have underneath this jacket, the starter jacket. It's a starter jacket, meaning like your first jacket? No. It's the brand. Oh, okay. It's a Houston Texan starter jacket.

I know Paul said it. He was not about labels, but the Star Jacket has been good luck for me from day one. Do you want to take off your jacket just to give us a little... Unfortunately, at this time, I do not have a shirt underneath my jacket. Oh, well, I don't know that, you know, Maxwell would mind necessarily. Hey!

Let's see what else we got. I do want to be clear. Borrow my cape if you want. I do have a woman that is waiting for me in Honduras. Barring the fact that I do get this mission trip money right now, as of late, we are just in a letter correspondence, but I will show you my chest.

Okay, let's see what you got. Paul, are you interested in this? Oh, yeah. Okay. You said we would be surprised, so I just want to see if we genuinely are surprised. Maybe he's buff. I'll take my jacket off because I will say that this summer I did take up the art of Krav Maga, which is Israeli martial art. And...

I spend every morning from 6 until 7 practicing just by myself. Do you mean every morning 6 a.m. to 7 p.m.? Oh, that's right. Every day. Wonderful times. Every day, all day. I study pictures that I found in a magazine. In a magazine. In the garbage. And I taught myself some Krav Maga moves. And so it is my body. This feels good to have it in the open air. I, um, hmm.

I wasn't expecting so many veins outside the body. It's a little weird that you have tears, rips and tears in your muscles and your veins are hanging out. They're pulsating.

I got to say, and all those attachments that you have, like the machinery that you have attached to all of your body. The dials. It's like a steampunk kind of situation. Tis akin to a Borg. Yeah. I got to say, really, are you some sort of like half machine, half man? Well, yeah.

I did preface all this by saying that I was a scientist. Christian scientist. And part of that is that you believe that the Lord has given you half human body and half robot form, and so most of my muscles are... They're artificial. That is right, but I officially have them. Wait, what's the...

There's a ticket in here for the steampunk convention in Honduras. Wait a minute. You're not a Christian scientist at all. You're just a lousy steampunk. Excuse me. Excuse me. That's my ticket and that is my property. Who is your girlfriend? Really? I have a girlfriend and you will meet her. I will? Why? I'm never going to the Honduras. Oh, she will come. Oh, maybe you will.

She will. She will come back with me at this time. Still, I don't know that I'm ever going to see you again. Well, just our luck. I do have a car waiting outside for us. We can all head to Honduras. I don't want to go. Well, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't say that. You like steampunk, Paul? Yeah. What do you like about it? I like it when a puff of air has an earring in its nose.

Okay, I don't know that you know exactly what steampunk is. Well, I take it quite literally. I would think that the timekeeper would like steampunk because it is a lot about clocks and gadgets. There are a lot of clocks. I do like the clocks. Gizmos, machinery. Gizmos and gadgets. You're good at the cosplay. It does just so happen that this father is the biggest steampunk convention that is happening right outside of where I'm volunteering.

Oh, the volunteering wasn't a cover story. Oh, so you actually are volunteering. Well, I'm volunteering at the convention. At the convention. Okay, I see. Oh, boy. So why should we trust a lousy little steampunk like you? I bet you're not even 16 years old.

Well, in my mental state, I am 16. But in Lord's years, I am 13 years old. Wait, you're 13? Okay. No bra, no panties.

What? That's what Evan Rachel Wood said in the trailer for Thirteen. Wait, why would you be interested in that movie? I thought it was about military time. Which you don't like. I was curious. Can you blame me? I searched for the QuickTime file of the trailer. Anything on QuickTime is okay? Yes. Because it has the word time in it. Okay.

Well, I got to say, Marco, this is the craziest story I've ever heard. I mean... Well, I started here as my genuine and true self, and I am going to leave as the same person. And at the end, the only person that can judge me is science. So I do... I have to say the chocolate is not treating you well either. I mean, you said we would be surprised, but I think that you were trying to brag of how great you look.

I mean, you have probably the fattest stomach I've ever seen. Thy nipples look like Hershey's Kisses. Don't feel like you have to kiss them or eat them. This is a 13-year-old boy. Mm-hmm.

What's the harm? What's the harm? All right. No, don't go. Look, and you stop making the blowjob motion. All right? This is not a good... I'm going to have to separate you two. At the end of the day, the heart does want what the heart does want. All right. Very good. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang.

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Okay, well, anyway, Max with Ads is now included at no extra cost. That means you can have spaghetti and meatballs delivered with DoorDash and settle in for the night to binge the HBO original series forever.

The Sopranos! Ever heard of it? Or if you're craving something new that didn't end in 2007, check out the latest season of the Max Original series, Sex Lives of College Girls, while enjoying some ramen delivered through DoorDash. Of course, you still get all of your favorite Dash Pass annual plan benefits too, like unlimited $0 delivery fees on eligible orders and exclusive members-only offers and menu items.

Here's what you do. Sign up for Dash Pass annual plan and get Max included at no extra cost. It's your door to more. Terms and conditions apply. Max is now included with your Dash Pass annual plan. Stream Max with ads up to a $120 value included at no extra cost. Terms apply. See doordash.com slash max for details.

We've all got a thing. For me, it's vintage furniture. And now talking about how I found it on eBay is like my whole personality. Even at 2 a.m., when I can't get 19th century sofas off my mind, I'm on eBay for sure, scrolling my favorite seller's storefront, setting search alerts and building the watch list of my literal dreams. I know antique lamps aren't everybody's thing, but the best part about eBay is it doesn't matter what you're into. Fashion, car parts, trading cards, it's all there. So go find the thing that keeps you up at night. eBay. Things. Things.

People. Love.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. Of course, Maxwell Keeper is here with us. TikTok. TikTok, of course, and Paul Rust. Sharp, sharp. Oh, you've updated your catchphrase. Oh, and maybe you have one, Marco.

Be true to you. Be true to you. Okay, great catchphrase. Very good, very good. And, you know, we have a little more time left in the program, and it's time to do one of our favorite features on the show. It's time for a little something called Would You Rather. Would You Rather.

All right. It's time to play Would You Rather. Of course, we all know how this is played. People send us Would You Rather scenarios to our Twitter, which is at CBBWYR. And I will read them aloud. I will open the floor for questions. And then you can ask me any question you like about either of the scenarios in order to help narrow down your choices. At a certain point, I will close the floor for questions. There will be no warning. And then we'll vote and we'll tally up the points and see who won. All straight. Here we go. This comes to us from Robbie Torfson.

AKA at P. William Clark. Robbie asks, would you rather all your haircuts end up looking like a loaf of bread or every piece of furniture you sit on turns into wet sponges? Hmm, interesting. All right, let's open up the floor for questions. What kind of bread? What kind of bread? In which scenario? That your hair would turn into. Oh, okay. Uh...

It's basically a nice San Francisco sourdough ball.

Scott. Yeah. What kind of sponge? In which scenario? The one with the furniture turning into a sponge. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, yeah. It's a novelty SpongeBob SquarePants-shaped sponge to celebrate the last movie where he comes, he's 3D in the modern world. I have a question. Okay, you don't have to announce it. You can just, yes. In the latter category. Certainly. Okay.

How much time passes between sitting on the furniture and it turning to the very sponge of which you spoke? Okay. Uh,

It is two hours in between that. Great amount of time. A very good amount of time. So you have time to enjoy sitting on it. A feature film, perhaps. Yes, but at the same time, it does not ever revert back to its initial state. So you have a good two hours of sitting time on this. And it suddenly switches over two hours later.

Morphs. Oh, you mean like what was introduced in James Cameron's Terminator 2 Judgment Day? Yes. It suddenly turns after a two hour, 120 minutes. Another great amount of time. And a wonderful show. That was a good, you like that show? What are your favorite shows on TV? 120 minutes, 60 minutes. Sure.

48 hours? 48 hours. Okay. 24. You can't get it going in there. Okay. All right. Great. Any other questions? I know that it said that your hair would look like bread, but would it taste like bread? Great question. You know what? People just automatically would assume that it would taste like bread, wouldn't it? Because it's like these sourdough Princess Leia just like round things. No, it tastes like hair.

It looks like bread. Yeah. What's the sponge taste like? Water. Clean? No. Dirty dishwater. It's wet sponges. I have a question. Okay, great.

Are these scenarios happening because of sins we have committed? Okay, great question. Yes, these are punishments for carnal sins. Sins of the body and of the flesh that you have committed. I'm in trouble. Okay. Got a lot of time on the clock. Oh, TikTok. TikTok.

Not, you know, I said there would be no warning. It's not closing down anytime soon. I'm just enjoying this time passing with my three best friends. I don't know if that's true. In the first scenario. Sure, the hair scenario. All your haircuts end up looking like a loaf of bread. Hair scenario. Can I go to any barber I want to?

That's a great question. No, because some barbers that you want to be barbers do not exist. Some are just people you pass on the street and you say, I wish they were a barber. Yep. Another feeling. They are not barbers. They have their own lives, their own jobs. So anyone you wish to be a barber is not automatically a barber. However, if a barber exists...

And it is legal for you to traverse and cross state lines, which I don't know whether that is true for you. You've been to Tallahassee, but I don't know whether it is legal for you to travel. But then certainly you are allowed to go to any of those barbers. Okay. In this scenario, are you married? Am I married? Yeah, I'm married in either of these scenarios because I am married. As for you, that's a different question.

In this sponge-worthy category. Okay. Fan of Seinfeld? Yes. Why?

All these shows, they were all about something. Finally, a show about nothing. Okay, I thought there'd be a time-related reason, but it's just you like it for the reason everyone liked it. Well, I enjoyed the time, yes. It was odd. Wait, you enjoyed? It had a nice, I liked a half hour. Yeah, but that's almost every show. You're only talking about Seinfeld. I like every show equally for the same reason. Oh, so you like every TV show? I like shows based on how long they are.

Well, 48 hours was an hour long. I liked it twice as much as Seinfeld. Oh, I see. What's your favorite television show of all time, then? I like that movie From Here to Eternity. You realize it was only about 110 minutes. Oh, I... It wasn't an eternity. Crud.

You know that make-out scene on the beach in From Here to Eternity? Sure. Famous, iconic scene. No, no, no. Uh-oh. Do we need to start the clock? Start the clock. Oh, boy. Start the clock. Good afternoon. You know that sexy make-out scene on the beach in From Here to Eternity? Yeah, uh-huh. Is it just me, or is it a little weird that the woman and the man are kissing and there's sand all around them? You're telling me these two folks aren't...

Got in their eye on some grains of sand.

Wanting to have sex or kiss the sand instead? You're saying that they wanted to have sex with the sand but ended up accidentally having sex with a human being? I believe in him. He's building to something. All right. Pull it through. No, no, no. Men and women shouldn't kiss. They should keep it with the sand. Okay. Yes, yes. I enjoyed that. That doesn't make perfect sense to me.

Oh, my goodness. Well, wow. Wait, I had a question. Yes, go ahead. Could you market your abilities? Could people bring you their old furniture and you sit on it and then they don't have to buy sponges? Exactly. All they have to do is wait around in your house like for a drug deal or something. Just for two hours, basically. And...

Then they get, you know, any furniture they don't want, instead of putting it out on the street corner, they get a brand new sponge. Yes. Does the bread get wet? Does the bread get wet? Of course it does. It's hair. It's not actual bread. It just looks like bread. Does the bread get wet? You have shamed me. In the secondary sponge scenario, is there any...

off chance that it'll Why are you all talking like each other now? That it'll be that it'd be the band Sponge. Who did the song Molly Ringwald? Yes. Down the drain. Are you a fan of them, Timekeeper? Yes, yes. Who's your favorite band?

The Rolling Stones, they're so old. But they sang Time is on... Time is on your side, yes. Yeah, exactly. And you related to that? I did, yes. Yeah, I went to the Rolling Stones concert. They should have called it the Five Walkers Tour. That's it. You did tell that one at Tallahassee. It brought the house down. I did.

And then you just sat in silence for an hour. The way he holds onto that R at the end of door. What was the question? Twas answered, I doest believe. Okay. At the end of the day, is it okay to pick both?

Meaning, your question is about the rules of the game, whether you can pick both? When push comes to shove, would you be able to not choose one? When you find the way the lady lands...

Can you be loyal to both? I dare not speculate upon the answer, but I'm curious as well. Why daren't you not? Because you are thy very expert upon this land. I...

What kind of books do you read? Do you read like hobbit books? Yes, the hobbit books I've written to continue the very adventures of Frodo. Yes, I always wondered what happened next. I thought, I'll write to him. What does happen next? He sails upon the sea and he comes to the new world where he meets Pocahontas. And what do they think of each other? They think that

She thinks he's a little short. Uh-huh, uh-huh. He thinks she's a little tall. But they sing Colors of the Wind. Oh, really? And you got the rights to that in your song? I'm waiting for a letter back from Disney Legal. How long ago did you send your letter? Long ago, my very brother-in-law. No, I said long ago, not long ago. Well, I sent it in, I guess about...

I was 23. Eight years ago. Eight years ago. Eight of the years that pass us by. The revolutions around the sun. Yes. At this very meantime, eight years ago, I was five years old. Oh, yes. You have a lot to talk about. Half the dials. Okay. So...

By the way, the floor is closed for questions. I'm sorry. I got shocked. I'm sorry. There's no warning. You didn't have to shock us. I apologize. A fairy spider had sprung from his web. I apologize. Come on, guys. Don't be mad. But if there was one to sneak more in, if there was room, would you allow...

To sneak another question in? No, I'm so sorry. And that was a question, by the way, so no. All right, guys, we're going to have to vote. Paul Rust, comedian extraordinaire, just did one of his biggest jokes, laid it on us. Sumo wrestlers...

Come on, can somebody explain this sport to me? No, no, no. Start the clock. Oh, start it. Good afternoon. You're telling me this wouldn't be any different if these guys were skinny?

No, it wouldn't. I mean, it would. You're telling me it would be the exact same. No, I know what I'm telling you. This is not a claim that's being made by anyone. Every time I turn on ESPN or pick up the sports section, it always says fat or skinny. It don't matter in sumo. Guys, pick a side. The whole world's upside down, and sumo wrestlers are skinny. We all know they're skinny. He wants his building to...

No, no, no. Eat a sandwich, sumo wrestlers. Stop the clock. I'm going to be the one to stop it. All right, Paul, how are you voting? I would choose, I would Dan rather go. I don't know why that's a joke. Because we were talking about 48 hours 10 minutes ago? Yep.

I would go with the sponge option. Why is that? The sponge. Well, my hair is my hair. What's the old poem? My hair is my hair, but my furniture is not a sponge. So you want more sponges. Yes. Okay, good. All right, very good. Marco. Marco.

I do enjoy the texture of a sponge, but at the end of the day, I do very much more appreciate the way a bun of bread looks.

So I would go with a haircut bread. Haircut bread. Okay. When I was growing up, my grandmother and grandfather, their house was upholstered with entire sponge. And so at the end of the day... With an entire sponge? Wow. They could afford a whole one. Coincidence. My grandmothers had one sponge. And I will never forget the way that it smelled. And for that reason, bread hair.

Bread hair, not bird hair. No, no, I'm sorry. I did say bird hair, and I'm sorry. It's okay. You don't have to apologize. May I say bird hair is an answer? I will allow it. So you want... Well, what is it you're asking for exactly? Every time you get a haircut, what happens? At this juncture, I do wish to have a bird's hair. So you don't want a hair that looks like a bird. You want...

Hair from a bird. I'm according to the Lord. I suppose I would refer to it as a feather. But if you are giving me a third option, I'm going to go with bird hair. Okay, great. So one for sponges, one for bird hair. Maxwell, how are you voting? Take a talk to you.

Yes, we're waiting for your answer if that's what you're trying to say. You may have noticed, or perhaps not, that I left a series of clues like breadcrumbs leading Hansel and Gretel to the witch's lair. Oh. My goodness, I didn't notice. What are these clues? I only asked questions about one category, the sponge, because I knew from the beginning I'm picking sponge! Sponge!

Okay. Why? So many subtle clues. Why are you picking? Did you pick up on them? Why are you picking the sponge? Because I want to make money with the sponge. The sponge selling scheme. I've concocted it.

Away you drive up, you just hand it off out of your car, you come back two hours later. Oh, okay. Go get a burger. For two hours. Yes, two hours, a wonderful amount of time to do with what you will. Okay.

All right. Interesting. All right. I agree. We have two for the sponge and we have one for bird hair. Two for the sponge. Okay. All right. Paul, I didn't know you were a singer as well as being a great comedian. All right. All right. I know that your Elvis impersonation is a big part of your act.

I close with it. I know. It's just that. Very good. What's weird is I forgot. I close and I middle with it. I forgot that your impression just relies on you saying a two for the sponge, which is ironic that I said it here. I was just waiting in the wings hoping two people would vote for that option. You can say two for the sponge. All right. So we have two for the sponge.

One for the bird. That's my fault. I fell into that one. One for the bird. Okay, well, the bird. Three, my daughter married who? I remember seeing him live. I remember hearing so much laughter after that joke. And now I realize it was him laughing into the mic. I thought all of...

Seminole Stadium was laughing. Oh, is that what you played? Seminole Stadium? Wow, that's a big venue. I insisted they keep the name. Why would they change it? The PC thought police. Okay. Well, let's tally up the points. Obviously, you guys picked the sponge that gets you one point. Yes. And...

Marco, you picked bird hair, which there wasn't an assigned number of points for that, so I'm going to have to go into my little computer here and the randomizer. Oh, my gosh, two points for bird hair. You are the winner, Marco. Yay.

I'm not in it for the points, but I will accept the victory. And you know what? There is a cash prize today. $6,000. You're going to the Honduras, my friend. At this time, I just cannot be more thankful because I will be able to see my girlfriend who does exist, and I would like to bring one friend with me.

Okay, do you get to pick or do we have to fight amongst each other and whoever lives wins? If all three of you are interested, I will be more than flattered, but my heart does draw me towards Paul. Why? She wants to remember what I say. His off-putting and aggressive nature. That's how we play Would You Rather. This is a textbook.

My goodness. So you guys are going to go, Paul? I think that mission is possible. Ghost protocol. Yeah, as long as there's ghosts there. If you're really doing the opposite of mission impossible, I guess it would be a live person. Old yes, yes. Okay. Well, guys, we just have one last feature on the show. That's a little something called plugs. Plugs.

Well, guys, you know, we're just about out of time. We just have one last thing to do, and that is a little something called... ... ... ... ...

Bugs. Bugs.

All right. I love it.

but we're out of time to listen to that. Make them shorter, everyone. That was great. Loved it, but a little shorter. Uh, that was plickety plugs by David is a girl's name. Thank you so much. David is a girl's name. If you have a plugs theme, a shorter one, possibly. What did you think? Was it too long? Nothing can be too long or too short. Both are very good amounts of time. Okay. Uh,

Send it over to the Earwolf message boards. We'll put it up. And guys, what are we plugging here? Let's start with Marco. When are you taking your trip to the Honduras? The trip to Honduras will happen next month. I will let Paul know the details. In the meantime, I saw refurbished guitars on eBay at face value, and I played basketball in a hoopless park.

In Midtown. Your voice is very interestingly cracking. I don't love saying goodbye. Okay. By the way, the fact that you get to take one person...

What if you just raised $1,500 instead of the $3,000? There have been a lot of questions about money today that have made me uncomfortable. Because talk about money is one of the most ugly things that we as humans do. I apologize. I apologize. Okay. Paul, you out there hitting the pavement? Yeah, I'm going on a tour. Yeah, I bet you are. With Bill Maher. Really? Yeah, we're doing the New Rules, New No-Nos Tour. So competing? Yeah.

Who gets to use the song? Do you alternate? We layer them on top of each other. Oh, okay. His starts just a couple seconds after mine, so it's more... It's like a row, row, row your boat kind of in the round. It's kind of like a row, row, row your boat in the round. Uh-huh. Is it like the Sammy Hagar, David Lee Roth tour where you're alternating who opens, who closes? Yeah, I mean, people knew that we had a beef for a while because he stole new rules from my new no-nos. Some would say he perfected.

Well, yeah, his producers might say that over at Hobo. Meow. Think about it. Yes. Start the clock. Oh, okay. We're starting the clock again. Good afternoon. Yeah, there's an H and there's a B and there's an O. But what if you duplicated that O and put it between the H and the B? I think you might have a word hobo. No, no, no.

When you're watching True Detective Season 2, you're watching a homeless man. Okay, stop the clock. Okay. I would have figured the...

In Hobo, the O between the H and the B was just the O from home. But no, he took the office and duplicated it. Duplicated it. And put it back. Yeah, okay. Interesting. Interesting, yeah. All right. So what are these dates? No dates, but we have the tour set up. Okay, good. All right, Maxwell? Maxwell?

I just want people to fund my app. And if someone knows how to start a Indiegogo or a GoFundMe or any of these things and could raise the money. And I don't know how much I need or how much a computer programmer charges and all of that. But if people could figure that out, I would love it. Okay.

And how do they send this to you? They just call up Longo's? Call up Longo Watch Repair in Tallahassee, Florida. Okay. Anything you want to say to your sister or your brother-in-law? They may be listening to this. I love you.

We don't say that enough to the people we care about. I need to say it to one more person. You need to say it to one more person? And what will happen? My heart will open. Okay, who is this person that you're... You, Scott. I love you! You know what, this is going to be weird, because you've only been on the show twice. I don't like you very much.

Oh, we're going to have lots to talk about the third and fourth and fifth time I'm on. All right. Very good. I want to plug the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. We have a great episode this week. Weird Al Yankovic is on the couch. And we also have Sherry Oteri and Nicole Byer and Heather Morris from Glee. And some other great people, Colton Dunn and – Joe Nunez. Joe Nunez and –

Eugene Cordero. And it's a great episode. 10.30. Thursday. 10.30. PM. IFC. Weird Al Yankovic. Watch it. Yep. All right. Did I bully you into it? Oh, yes. Also our donors. Thanks so much. Scott Miller. This is for your girlfriend, Holly K. Oh, I like this. What's the K stand for? Why are you pretending to lick this?

Karloff. It's K as in K-A-Y-E. It's K as in it's okay to continue. Tony K, the director. Of American History X. Yes!

Also, Brendan Smith, thank you for your donation. And Christopher Diaz. That's a Christopher with a K also. And two Fs. Interesting. Thank you guys so much for donating to Earwolf. Something special is coming out to you. And let's close up the old plug bag. Closing up the old plug bag. Bingo, bingo, bingo, bingo, bingo. Closing up the old plug bag. Closing up the old plug bag.

That is a good song. That is a good song. That is a good song. That song's okay. That's a great song. I didn't like that song. Was that even a song? That's a good song. That's not a very good song. Oh, forgot about that one. That's new. All right, guys. Well, we're just about out of... I'm going to miss this.

Thank you very much for the very opportunity to be here. We're out of space in which to... Equals MC squared. Continuum, yes. We're out of time. You're not so good, Kalatushka. I've gone bankrupt. What? I've gone bankrupt.

I can't afford me spices to cook my meal for my cooking show. Is this Julia Child? Yes, I'm in love with my mouth as a particular spice. What's happening? Is this another... We didn't get to the fourth guest. Oh, okay. I'm so sorry. Julia Child is here. Hello.

All right. Well, that's all the time we have, though. Oh, I need that for spices for food. That's what I meant out of time. T-H-Y-M-E. TikTok. Now I understand. Goodbye. Here I go.

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Wow.