Best of 2023 Part 4
01:59:27 Share

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive, where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus, auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Quote now at Progressive.com to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates national average 12-month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive.

Between June 2022 and May 2023, potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations.

This podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, is brought to you by Squarespace, our old friends, and Spring. Man, it truly has sprung. No one can argue that. And what do we know about spring? Spring is a time of fresh starts. That's right. You thought January was good for starting fresh? Spring's gotcha beat. Spring's gotcha beat.

about rebirth, and that could mean starting a new venture or switching things up on your website. Well, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. With the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint, you can select from curated layout and styling options to create a personalized website optimized for every device, integrated, optimized, optimizeded. Ha ha ha ha ha.

SEO tools. Allow your site to show up more often and grow the way you want. Plus make checkout easy for customers with easy to use payment tools, except credit cards, PayPal, Apple pay. And in certain countries, give customers the chance to buy now and pay later with after pay and clear pay selling content on your website.

well add a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell downloadable files head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch and i know you're going to be go to squarespace.com slash bang bang to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain

Comedy Bang Bang

Oh, January the 4th be with you. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yeah, baby. Star Wars. Star. The wars and the stars. Do you think they'll ever make any more Star Wars movies? I hope so, man. I've been waiting. Remember when it was actually a thing of like, I wonder if they'll ever make any more Star Wars movies. And now it's like, when aren't they going to make Star Wars movies?

Do you remember when George Lucas said, oh, actually, I planned this as a series of nine movies. Yeah. And everybody was like, sure. Yeah, sure you did. No, he didn't. No, but I do remember, and this is not a Star Wars podcast, by the way. And it never will be. No, in fact-

This is maybe the only time we've ever even brought up Star Wars on this show. It feels like it to me. Yeah. And we're, we're, I mean, we're, we're casual fans at best. We've been bursting to talk about it though. Yeah. But remember, I remember when he first said that and he was like, Oh yeah, the first three movies are going to follow the droids before they ever met Luke. Oh yeah. Yeah. And then he just, Oh, guess what? It wasn't about that. It's all about fucking Darth Vader as a little boy. Yeah.

Who gives even the tiniest of shits. Hardly any droid talk at all. No. And then Darth Vader doesn't recognize the droids later on. Well, Darth Vader is stupid. That's the other part of it. He is kind of stupid, right? He's a stupid guy. Look who's coming in the door. Oh. That's right. A fellow podcaster. It's Potato and Salad Lady. Potato and Salad Lady's here. Potato and Salad Lady. Potato and Salad Lady. Potato and Salad Lady.

That's right. It wouldn't be January the 4th without a drop-in from our favorite fellow podcaster. It really wouldn't. Potato and Salad Lady. Potato and Salad Lady is here just spreading potatoes. Have you heard of the latest Potato and Salad podcast? No, I haven't. What's going on with it? Oh, it's crazy. Oh, is it crazy? Yeah, you gotta listen to it. I love the lore of Potato and Salad Lady. She'll just drop potatoes everywhere she goes in the hopes that more potatoes will sprout up. Yeah, but instead, salad sprouts up. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the thing. A potato can turn into a salad so easily. A potato is essentially a salad seed. That's the thing. If you put a potato back in the ground. Yeah, it becomes a salad. Yeah. And vice versa. Yes. That's the most important part. If you put a salad in the ground. That's how we get potatoes. Well, that's why the potato famine, people didn't realize, just put your salad in the ground. Yeah. Yeah.

All those people in Ireland eat a salad. They're eating their kale salads. They're like, oh, I wish we had potatoes. But I'm eating the salad to stay trim. Stay trim. I want to fatten up. Eat those carbs.

Uh, well, potato and salad lady is, uh, uh, apparently like cake and pear lady is here now. He came in. Wow. So many special guests. Lady cake and pear lady. You have no idea what we're talking about. I, I envy you, but I pity you. I also, I, I, I do believe that no one understands what we're saying.

Or why we're saying it. What's not too under, you don't know what a pear is? Yeah. You don't know what a cake is? Come on. Come on. And you don't know what a lady is? Who are these babies we have to hold their hands for this whole thing? Exactly. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, Best of 2023, Part 4. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. And, oh boy, it's Pretzel Hour.

crab claw lady pretzel and crab claw danishes can i say danish and crab claw lady danish and can i say danish and crab claw lady it appears that maybe you had one of the free samples at wherever you were at because you have a giant piece of food in your teeth when you just just smiled at us may i say crab claw danish lady

All right, let's close up all the doors. Do you know the free samples? They always put drugs in them. Oh, really? That's why whenever you go to Costco, you're high? Yes, they dose people. Oh, right. Interesting. All right. Doors are not being closed. I believe another lady is coming in. Oh, no. Another lady? Oh, it's mixed fruit and eclair lady. Mixed fruit and eclair lady. No, that's sushi? Or lobster tail lady? Lobster tail and mixed fruit lady.

So many ladies. What is it, ladies night? I hope so. Around these parts? What do you mean? I don't know. Yes, it is. The more banging, the better. Let's open all these doors so the acoustics are bad. Yes, this is the perfect time to do this. This is the best of 20. No, there's more. No, there's more. This is exciting.

God, I wish the listeners could see this because it's very exciting. This is a parade of... It's a parade of groceries. Oh, I see a pineapple. Pineapple and... And more pineapple? No, this is a box that we can't see what's in. Oh, it's pineapple and berries. Pineapple and berries, lady. Pineapple and berries, lady.

Part of the problem with recording at home is we have a spare refrigerator here in the studio. And whenever a big event is coming up, the excess food that needs to be refrigerated gets put in here. Obviously, the big event coming up very soon is January 6th. And Scott and his family love to celebrate this wonderful day in our nation's history. We have a gallows cake. And...

They march up and down their little street saying, hang my pants. And we hang our pants from the gallows. Pants!

Our pants, a.k.a. pants. Could you imagine if you're fucking Mike Pence and you hear people saying, hey, Mike Pence, and you're like, dude, that's me. Oh, no. There's hundreds of people saying that about Gulp. Me. I'm Mike Pence. I hate to hear that kind of thing.

imagine acting the way you acted afterwards. It's fucking dumb ass. He fucking ruined his whole life. For what? Although, is it fun to be the vice president? That's the thing. I don't even think it would be fun to be vice president. You got to get up early, especially not with this guy that you despise that you have to be a toady to, but the best is when he, he took the nomination and his wife was like, well, I hope you're happy, Mike.

That's great. It's great. I love it. Hey, this is not a political podcast. No, no, no. This is just this is pop culture. This is pop culture. Yeah. I mean, Mike Pence is now a pop culture figure. Yeah.

He's no longer a politician. He's just merely a guy who's famous. Probably will have a podcast very soon, if he doesn't already. Yeah. Welcome to The Best Of 2023, Part 4. This is the very last episode of our Best Ofs, and my name is Scott Aukerman, and Pineapple and Mixed Berry Lady is leaving finally. Goodbye! The other ladies are staying, though. Yeah, they're all staying.

And my name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. With me is the co-host with the co-most. He is, of course, the person who holds the record for most appearances on Comedy Bang Bang. He does many characters on the show, such as Andrew Lloyd Webber and others.

I'm looking over your shoulder at the fish on the TV screen. It's hard not to watch. It's hard not to look at these fish. I mean, this is true AI, is it not? Because those aren't real fish. No, they're not. It bummed me out when I realized those things weren't real. Yeah. Like early on. Because you wanted to eat them. I may be so hungry. And then I tried to bite the TV. Yeah.

And now you have tooth marks on your TV. Yeah. And electrical damage to my face. It looks like your face has electrical damage. My face is riddled with electrical damage. Paul F. Tompkins is with me. Hello, Paul. Hi. I love everyone in the world. We get so wrapped up in talking about things. I don't know that I've introduced you since our first episode, but I hope I have. No, you have. I have. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But welcome back. Great to have you here with us during these best ofs. We love to count them down. We've been doing this together since early on, have we not? Maybe the second year? Definitely since early on. Yeah. I think since... Second year? Yeah. I mean, the first year we'd only been going for six.

seven months or something. So we did a best ofs and maybe it was just me and we were in the radio station. I don't recall. But I think since the second year, maybe you've been doing it with me. I can't remember. That's wild to think about. It is wild. And to dream about. If I dreamed about it, it'd be wild. Sure. I wouldn't listen that far back if I were you. Oh, God. Oh, no. There he goes. I'm sorry to report that Scott Ackerman has died. What if I would hope that

You know how Norman Lear, when he passed away, passed away. Wait, what do you know? You know how every television station simultaneously did a memorial?

I hope every podcast. No, I did not know that. Oh, yeah. I did not know that happened. Yeah, NBC, ABC, Fox, CBS, CW. I think they all did like a. CW. Yeah, it's like, they're like, can we get in on this? Should we do it? Who is he again? We don't care, CW. Do whatever you want.

Um, but they all, they all at the side of the cast of arrow bowed their heads at 8 PM on the Friday after whatever they all, I did not know that. I didn't know. I would hope that when I pass away, every podcast like breaks into a podcast and does a nice little tribute. They should have their break-ins ready. Yeah.

And they should, by the way, make sure my obituary is pre-written so you're not writing it on the fly. Like, write it right now. What could be worse? Because I saw the Norman Lear one was like, this guy made all in the family. And other stuff. We'll get back to you. He has a hat. He loved his hat. He loved his hat. And look, I'm a hat guy. I get it. I get it. I get it, Norm. But change it. Change it up.

Maybe that was the secret to his longevity. Oh, don't change it up. Where's that hat now? Let me get that. Let me have that hat. I want that hat. Give me that hat. I was told, by the way, that he was a fan of the TV show Comedy Bang Bang. Really? Yes, and we were going to work together on something. This is a long, involved story I won't talk about now, but...

We were going to do something in a particular episode of Comedy Bang Bang, and he was game for it, Norman Lear was game for it, and one of the other participants was game for it, and then one of the participants backed out. So we did not end up doing it, but it turned into an episode about something different, but that was very gratifying to hear.

that supposedly he had watched the show and thought that it was sort of the successor to Fernwood Tonight. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, so that was very nice to hear. And that person who backed out, of course, would be Arthur. Yes. Yeah, and it's too bad. She had to get another abortion, apparently. She's like, it was so popular the first time. Welcome to the best of 2023. Who couldn't feel welcome after that? That's true.

We are counting down the top four episodes of 2023. 2023. 2023. And these are all voted on by you, by the way. So if you don't like them, this is your fault. It's your fucking fault. I don't give a shit.

I'm just here to report on what's happening. Yeah, you're very impartial. Yeah, I don't care what you vote on, what you don't vote on. You're like a journalist for these best ofs. I'm a citizen journalist in a lot of ways. The most important kind. Here's what I think happened. Just based on me thinking about it. Thanks for that report. I read a couple of tweets from someone else. And common sense leads me to believe.

Um, so these, we're going to hear the top four episodes. These are the best episodes of the year. This is so exciting, Paul. So exciting. And, um, much like danger, danger, very, uh, very exciting, very dangerous.

Danger. It's exciting. It's exciting. These are our two competing danger exciting stories. Forever. It's like Ford versus Ferrari. By the way, I watch Ferrari. I watch a Ferrari. I watch a Ferrari. The new movie Ferrari. I'm like, where the fuck is Ford? This is like going to watch Predator versus Aliens and then saying like, hey, would you like to watch Aliens now? No, not without Predator. What?

What if Ford gets his own movie too? And then I watch him simultaneously. Was it Ford versus Ferrari presents Ferrari? Yeah.

I hope so. Much like Fast and Furious presents an opposite job. It should be. It should have been, quite honestly. Ford versus Ferrari presents Ferrari. And then coming up soon, Ford versus Ferrari presents Ford. And then all the little auxiliary characters, they get their own movie. All the little guys, yes. Patrick Dempsey with his ridiculous accent. Oh, is he in Ferrari? Yes. Doing an Italian accent? With totally sprayed on white hair going, I'm gonna

No, I got to see this fucking movie. Wow. Wow. Shailene Woodley barely trying an accent. It's probably the way to go. Maybe. I don't know. But no, that would be incredible. She says no after things. No. Ferrari, you're not going to, you're going to crash, no? You're going to crash, no. Ferrari, this is very dangerous, no? Hey, we're married, no? Yeah.

Check out Ferrari. Check out Ford versus Ferrari presents Ferrari in theaters now. Please. And then check out Ferrari versus Ford presents Ford.

By the way, we tape all of these best ofs in one day. Why do we do that? And we just get stupid. There was one day we didn't, remember? You suddenly looked at it at the time and were like, I gotta go. Oh, that's right. In the middle of episode three, I think. That's right. And we had to reconvene a few days later. We did have to reconvene. We had to go back in session. We had to go back. We banged the gavel. But we do them all in one day and we get stupider and stupider as we go on.

That's your opinion. Or more loopy, I should say. Yeah, I'm a looper. That's right. What were the rules of loop? Okay, loopers are crazy. I don't never fall in love. I don't remember. Looper's a crazy film because it's like already there's a big ask with like, okay, time traveling, you can't loop. There's all this jargon. And then...

Then they happen to be driving and a guy picks up a ball and is like moving around with his mind. He's like, oh, by the way, I'm a telekinetic. It's like, whoa, that. Oh, also, that's in Looper. Shit, I don't remember that. Yeah, that's like a totally unnecessary thing that just makes you go. I got to pay attention to telekinesis rules now. Already, I'm trying to cram in my mind. OK, Looper means this gold bars trying to cram in my mind.

How am I going to remember all this? God damn it. Wait, they're in Casablanca and then it's World War II? I wouldn't mind if you were seeing a movie and someone in the audience was like, stop, stop. Hold on. Could you pause it? How am I going to remember all this shit? Does anybody know what's going on? I've been in movies where people are like, what is happening? Is there anything? There's nothing better.

honestly, when you are in a movie theater where everyone is on the same page, that this movie is not good. And it's not like you go there knowing it's not good. No. It's like you, like most people went like thinking, Oh, this will be, this looks like an interesting movie. And then it kind of dawns on everyone. Like this doesn't make any fucking sense. Although I do remember when we saw Batman and Robin together, the,

Schumacher movie at the, at the man's Chinese theater. Yeah. And we thought everyone was on the same page because it's objectively a piece of shit. Yeah. And we were laughing and making jokes and it was so bad and we had a great time and we thought the entire, and the entire audience we thought was like having a great time. And then outside, I think about this a lot. A woman confronted us and she was wearing a Batman shirt and she was like, you ruined the movie. And she,

uh man i forgot all and she was just like a huge batman fan who had been looking forward to this and paid for opening day just like we did and and i feel bad for it but and we kind of were like uh the movie kind of came pre-ruined a little bit but uh but uh anyway i feel like if you like just the idea of batman of seeing batman i think walking around then great it's hard to see him

It is hard to see. Well, he's the Dark Knight detective. He's usually in the shadows. He's usually in the shadows. You know, if you do see him, if you look away from him for even two seconds, he disappears. Yeah, and me being a cowardly, superstitious lot. Oh, my God. I don't want to see that guy. Yeah, I don't want to see him. Are you kidding me? Yeah. So to see him...

It's kind of thrilling. So, yeah. So, yeah, if you're ever seeing a Batman movie, don't, you know, just shut up. Just focus on Batman. Just focus on Batman and everything's going to be all right. Tune everyone else out, dude. Just look Batman right in the eyes. Everything will be cool with his big mascara all over his eyes. At what point do we stop doing that?

When are we like, hey, this is silly? I don't know. It's... I don't know. They kind of call it out in The Batman, don't they? I don't remember. I lasted one movie length of The Batman. I did not last the second movie length of it, though. Well, after 90 minutes, they should stop any movie.

Just wherever it is. The ref should come out and go tweet the whistle and go, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no overtime. There should be a big. There's no overtime in movies. Just a big buzzer. You're out of time. Clock's run out. You ran out the clock.

that's what i would do if i didn't know how to end my movie right i would just make it 91 minutes and they go sorry you'll have to see the other minute down the line on your time the credits should have been shorter in the front i'm sorry all right let's get to it paul we gotta get to our top four yeah we do we do let's do it it's gotta be us it's if not us who no one and if not who how who would do it if it wasn't us

I wonder like if one year you and I were just like, you know what? We're not doing it this year. Let somebody else fucking do this. Let someone else do it. Would a fan do it? Ugh. Would one of the characters do it? Would Cockroach Rick do it? Cockroach Rick and the Pigshit Twin. Jared's doing it. Oh God, can you imagine?

All right, let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number four. Number four. All right, this is episode 819. This came out on July 2, 2023. I know what you're saying. My birthday? No, I'm not. My birthday's in September. Oh, no, you're saying Scott's birthday. Yeah. Yes. This is an episode called...

Man's Laughter in the First Degree. Mm-hmm. Yes. And Paul, you are in this episode. Yes, I am. Are you surprised? That I'm in the episode? Yeah. Well, no. No. Because you remember being in it. I remember being in it. The title jogged my memory, yeah. That's right. Now, this is you, Paul. We have Lisa Gilroy and Neil Campbell. Mm-hmm.

And this was during the strike, I assume. No celebrity guests. This was an all-character episode. And so we're going to hear...

One clip from this, before this clip we're going to hear, this was your second appearance as Fred Guinness. So since we just heard from Fred Guinness, we're not going to hear that clip, but you can go back and listen to Fred making his second appearance on this one. We're going to drop in on Lisa Gilroy as financial advisor Kyle Chutney. Mm-hmm.

And this is what you picked. This is your episode number four. Number four. All right. Well, we need to talk to this financial advisor. This is his first time on the show. And, you know, we can all use some help with money and how we spend our money. So please welcome to the show for the first time, Kyle Chutney. Scoot! Scotter!

What's up, my man? Hey, Kyle. Hi, my name's Kyle Chetney. I'm a financial advisor, analyst, engineer, finance bro. Don't shoot me. Finance wizard. Don't burn me at the stake. I'm fucking with you, honestly. Put me on speaker. Put me on speaker. Oh, no, you're on speaker. Hi!

Oh, hey, who's that? Fred Guinness. No way, we got all the dudes, huh? Yeah, well, we're all, you know. God, I fucking love being the presence of other guys. Oh, yeah, cool. I love it, honestly. God, so consider me, you know, your friend. You know, you can call me Kyle. You can call me, you know, Chutney. You can call me What the Chut. You can call me Big Chut, Chutter Butter. What the fucking Chut, you know? Butt Chug Chutney. Butt Chug Chutney? Chut Fuckery. I might call him that. You can call him Kyle. I'm gonna go with Butter Chutter. What about Chutter Butt? Yeah, Big Chutter.

Shut her fucking bug, man. I love that. Shut her fucking bug. Yeah. Fuck butt knee, you know. Fuck butt knee? That doesn't seem to have anything to do with it. No, that would shut up to the top of my list, though. Come on. Fuck knee spears? I don't know. Now I'm riffing. I know. You guys are funny. Oh, now you're riffing. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Fuck her big butt? I don't know. What do you guys think? Fuck her big butt. Fuck her big butt. Why not? You know? It's an embarrassment of riches. I don't know which to choose. I may just call you Kyle, if that's okay. Sure. Yeah. Call me Big Fuck. Okay.

uh kyle is good call the big fucking dildo man kyle the i don't know i'm just ripping with you guys no hey you guys are awesome you guys are funny hey it's great to meet you yeah uh fred here is obviously on the phone he's in ireland i don't know if you've ever been oh irish money is big man it is yeah you invest in over there in uh this uh squander dollar in the what squander dollar that's the irish uh bank of capital

The Irish Bank of Capital. I don't know what that is. Oh, you got a lot to learn, brother. You looked in the grass for nickels? But I have not. Hey, please call me Big Fucking Chutterbutt. Hey, Big Fucking Chutterbutt.

I feel like I'm back at my frat. You guys are awesome. I don't know that I mean to cultivate that kind of atmosphere. No, I love it. I love hanging with the boys. And I come here to be with the boys. I heard this is boys' house only. Comedy Bang Bang is where the boys hang out. Yeah, that's what it says on the door. It says Big Fucking Fucker Butt Boys Club. And I love that. So Big Fucking Butter Chut. Yeah, what's up, Chud Butney?

Wait, I didn't realize you could call me the things that I would call you. Yeah, yeah, I can. That's what being brothers and boys is all about. Wait, do me, do me. Well, you could be Scooter Fuck. Fucking Scooter Big Fuck Tit. Fucker Tit Scooter Man. You're still doing him. Do me, do me. I don't know your name yet. Oh, hey. It's the third character.

on our show that's not me no i uh sorry i need to put it on do not disturb boy we we got a long we we got a good uh 35 minutes before someone texted me that's a record dude i love that yeah

A personal record, yeah. Text from who? From a girl? Nipple size or what? Can you weigh in? Nipple size. Can you weigh in, brother? Standard, yes. I mean, everyone has nipples. It's only us boys here. Let's talk about it. Can you milk me? That's the thing. Yeah, right? I love that movie. And I love The Hangover, too. Did you know that your lip meet and your nipple meet, they're two different meets? Wow. I love lips and tits and bullshitting with my brothers.

Yeah. Well, hey, Kyle. Yeah. You're a financial advisor. Yeah. What are you here to talk about? God, finances. I mean, Scooter. Scooter McGavin. That's a funny movie. Looking around your house, I'm like, what is this place? A velvet kingdom? You seem rich, brother. Am I wrong? You counting pennies? I mean, you're thinking here, you got to get the money so you can get the honeys, right? You got to get the coins so you can touch the groin. Stuff like that. Oh, gosh. Collect the crypto so you can touch the nipples. Yeah.

You should say that in an Austin Powers kind of way. Garvey, baby, Grar. Garvey? Like Steve Garvey? Yes, I love him. He's hilarious. I love Garvey. He is funny. I think he's running for governor or something like that. Isn't he coming up? Senator? I don't know about that. I just know he holds the record for funniest pitcher. Come on, big Scooter Toot ass. Who's the funniest belly itcher?

Stop. Pitchers. You guys are hilarious. I love being boys with you. I love being boys with you. But let's move on from the bro talk to now financial talk. Let's talk the cash so we can grab the ass. Right. So what should we be doing? Obviously, inflation is going down. Except for with tits. Had to say it. I'm so sorry. You guys are funny. Yeah. What about tits? Inflation's going up with tits with the girls I'm kissing. Inflation's going up with big water balloons.

smorgasbord right right okay kyle you gotta collect the bills so you can squeeze the hills you know what i mean i guess so kyle i'm not quite sure but uh yeah let's talk your portfolio yeah yeah okay great you gotta have portfolio if you want to lick but wholly what is it my brother i don't know

Like Mile High? I was thinking more like Mile High. Kyle High Club? Kyle High Club! Okay, what about Kyle High Memorial School? Kyle High Memorial School. How do you know this school? I just would think it would be cool to have a name of a school named after me because, you know... I think Memorial is more for hospitals.

oh i mean jfk memorial high school i love high school because the teen girls are there and if you don't get that green you can't get those teens so let's talk money okay i don't know what we're just being boys we're being boys boys sound off one come on say two of your boy say two of your boy okay i'm pointing at the

Yeah, that's the boys. That's the boys. Three boys here on the show. But let's... Clubhouse rules. You suck my dick or I'll suck yours. What? Yeah. Give me that phone. What an ultimatum. Wait, you're... Kyle's sucking the phone right now. Oh, my God. Weird. Hey, Guinness World Record for fastest phone fuck.

That might be true. I love you boys. You guys are funny. So anyways, you're going to need your money and cash, right? So opposite of liquid, or I don't know what liquidation means, but something money hard. You're a financial advisor. Yeah, and you're a radio host. So do you want to suck each other's dicks? We're just boys. Now look, what I have is the Kyle Chutney big butterfuck fridge. Okay?

The Kyle Chutney Big Butterfuck Fridge. That's right. So it's the cold hard cash. And what you do is it looks on the outside to be a fridge so that, you know, thefts, predators, rapists won't go for it. Right. Because people are always breaking in here saying, where's the safe? Where's the safe? They're not looking for the Kyle Chutney Big Butterfuck Cold Hard Cash Money Fridge. So it just looks like a fridge. It looks like a fridge, brother. Now you're getting I can see the wheels turning. Literally, you're like there's like a dribble in your brain or up your ass. I don't judge.

And so you're thinking about it. I'm thinking about it. We're just boys. And if we all got the fridge, right? You can take your money out of the bank when bank you go boom, boom. And you put that in the fridge. You lock it up. It's bulletproof. It's waterproof. It's airtight. Is it fireproof? Yeah. And when you lock it... All the elements. Exactly. And when you lock it... Fire? Water? Fire?

Yeah. And when you lock it, it locks for 60 years on a timer. So then when you open it, money go free, free. You go BB suck that DD. Okay. But I don't, I don't think I'm going to be alive in 60 years. Really? Yeah. That sucks, dude. You're an old boy.

I'm not like an old boy in the movie. I'm not doing any of that kind of stuff. We have you on track to be alive in 60 years. Really? The Guinness Book knows these things? Well, you know how newspapers, they write these obituaries in advance? Right, yeah. We write oldest person records in advance on pretty much everybody. Really? So you have one on me? Yes, in case you become the oldest person. How old do you think I might become?

Well, we leave a line for the age. Oh, okay. You know, a man's dick has rings in it like a tree. Say how old he is. So true. Chop your dick in half. Find out how old. No, thank you. Let me swallow it. Oh, jeez. I like chopping it in half. You know, just boys for the boys. Just boys, yeah. Oh, God. You guys are hilarious. I think here's... You guys do comedy improv? Here...

I mean, improv sports. So anyways, you get the fridge. If you're an older boy, senior boys can get a mini fridge. Locks for 30 years. You think you can make it that far? But the fridge is tinier as well? Or just the lock opens sooner? It's the mini Kyle Chutterbuck fucky little tiny buck funny cold fridge. I don't know that I have that kind of time to say that every time I want to open it. Okay, the cooler that it locks for 10 years. Wait, is it like an open sesame situation where you have to say the name of the thing in order to order it and have it delivered to your house?

It's not a Rumpelstiltskin situation. It doesn't take your baby and you have to say its name to give it back. It's simply on a timer. It's a... Right. Why not a combination lock? Because combination, someone could guess it. Ten years, who's going to be there when it clicks open? You. Because you're waiting. Well, what if someone comes to rob me and I say, I'm sorry, this is one of the Chuckie Butters, fucky nut. And the guy goes, oh yeah, I've heard of those. I'll wait. I'll wait.

Yeah, you guys will wait because he won't. And then suddenly I have a roommate and this guy's living with me. No, here's the crazy thing. It looks like a fridge, dude. So he's not going to come in and even ask if it's a couch. But if you sell enough of these cold hard cash motherfucking little mini shirts. But if you sell enough of these, everyone has one. And then everyone knows. Help me sell enough. Oh, Kyle. Help me sell enough. What? I dare you.

Okay, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to read ads? Yeah. Okay, I can read ads. I'm sliding an ad to you right now. Okay, here it is. Have you ever fucked a butt? Look, I'm not... Keep going. You're good. You're funny. Keep going. Okay, I'm sorry. Have you ever fucked a butt twice? No. Yeah. Wait, are you saying no, you haven't? Or are you saying you're not going to read it? I don't want to read this. Read it. Sing it then. Have you ever fucked a butt twice? Yes. I don't know. So you've sold one of these?

I've sold about a billion of them. I think there's only, what, 12 billion people on the earth or seven? Why do you need to help selling more? I'm just because I'm greedy. I don't know. My financial institutions are doing really, really good. 7.888 billion, by the way. So you have six billion more that you can sell. I'll make them. Yeah. Let me ask you, is it cheaper to make a tiny motorcycle or a big motorcycle?

Hmm. Depends. Is the fat guy going to write it? The fat guy's definitely going to write it, yeah. Maytag makes my fridges. Maytag makes my fridges? What? Maytag makes my fridges. Yeah, it's not Maytag, it's Maytag. Maytag. Yeah, they're...

They're big fucking fridge makers for money. They make your fridges. Yeah. And, well, I mean, those are quality fridges right there. I mean, the Maytack repairman, he's the loneliest worker in the world, and I'm surprised that he wasn't laid off. Well, now he understands the principles of money, right? If you don't collect that loot, you'll never make a toot. You know? If you don't secure the loan, you'll never make her moan. Okay. Yeah. Well, I guess, I mean... If you don't get that green, you'll never make her scream. Okay. I knew there was a third one. If you can't become the chief...

I don't know that I want to make anyone queef. Say a money word to me and I'll make a rhyme from it. Penny. If you don't get those pennies, you can't call her hinny. Give me another one. If you don't get those cents, you can't paint her fence.

Well, euros. Paint it with jizz. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's all right then. Fence his legs. That was a close one. Euros. If you don't get the euros, you'll never be able to burrows your face in those tittos. Kyle could do it. Yeah, so, boy, sound off one. I don't know. Three. Yeah, I love you guys. You guys are hilarious. Number four. All right, Kyle Chutney. He's a real bros bro. Chutterbutter. New Chutterbutters.

After that clip, Neil Campbell comes in. He does a funny character named Noel who is smuggling me to the end of the show. He's a smuggler. Right. Right. An interesting concept. Smuggling you to the end of the show. Yeah, he's trying to get me from...

the commercial break to the end of the show. He's trying to smuggle me. Right. Uh, and he hopes he doesn't, uh, get too personal and care too much. And, uh, because, the last show he was on the Zuby Condorino podcast, um,

He got too involved with Zuby Condorino and Zuby died. And who was Zuby Condorino again? That's Mike Hanford's terrible character, Zuby Condorino. And what was his deal again? I don't know. He was all name. He was one of the greatest character names of all time that did not live up to how great it was. And Neil said that he died.

So canonically, he's dead. Wow. And Mike has nothing to say about it. Nope. He has nothing to say about it. Wow. There's nothing he can do. Nothing. I guess if John Lennon came back, anyone can. Oh, good point. All right. Let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to crack the top three. Fuck. Oh, my God. This is exciting. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023 Part 4 after this. Yeah.

You know what? No matter where you are, or who you are, or when you are, or how you are, all of the reporters' questions, you can feel like you're living the coastal California lifestyle with Viore Performance Apparel. Everything that Viore makes is designed to work out in, but you know what? It doesn't.

look or feel like it. That means their clothes are so comfortable, you're gonna wanna wear them all the time. And you can feel good about it too, because Viore offsets 100%

of their carbon footprint. You don't want to miss out on Viore's signature Dream Knit material that will surround yourself with softness. I love Viore. I got some shorts there. They're a fresh take on athleisure. They've become a real staple in my wardrobe. They're made from premium performance stretch fabrics designed to keep you moving with less bulk around your ankles, equal parts style and comfort.

Viore is an investment in your happiness. For our listeners, they're offering 20% off your first purchase. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet at viore.com slash bangbang. That is V-U-O-R-I dot com slash bangbang. Not only are you going to receive 20% off your first purchase, but you will enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75 worldwide.

And free returns. Thanks, Fiore. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So what are your non-negotiables during a day? Me?

I eat food. Yeah, I admit it. I don't go a day without eating some food. I usually throw a little water in there as well, drink that stuff. But, you know, maybe you never skip leg day. You know, there's stuff that's important to us. Well, you probably shouldn't skip therapy day either when your schedule's packed.

You have kids' activities, big work projects. You know, it's easy to let those priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it's still hard to make the time to actually do that stuff, right? But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever.

So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out this brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash bangbang today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bangbang.

Comedy Bang Bang. Best of 2023. Part 4. Were you just booping the snowman? I gave the snowman's button a little boop. You trying to curry favor with the snowman before our final round? Maybe I am.

Maybe I need a W this year. By the way, you moved your body position so that you are directly in the snowman's gaze now. It doesn't count. He's actually looking over there. Are you going to move back to where you were? Because you can't move to any chair. I'm going to move back opposite the audience chair. I'm just saying, if you don't like your position, you can move. We are going to play the snowman game, by the way, the most exciting minutes in podcasting at the end of this episode. It's the final episode.

uh we should time it to see how long it takes to play the snowman game yeah because uh i've been saying the final minutes assuming it's about two minutes oh it's less than that he doesn't even sing the whole song it might be 90 it might be 60 seconds we'll time it this time and then at this time and then next year we'll say the the most exciting 60 seconds in podcasting arrow however no matter what happens yeah good that's that's out of the way that's settled all right let's

Get to it. This is, we're going to crack the top three, Paul. Let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number three. Number three. All right, Paul, this is episode number three. Three. And the number in Comedy Bang Bang Numbers, this is episode 799. 799. It's over here.

March 5th, 2023. And this is an episode called Bruva Go Do. Right. This is 10 days before the Ides of March. That's right. Yes. Very good, Paul. So it makes sense that it would be Bruva Go Do. Yes. Bruva Go Do. This was an episode where...

We heard from Nick Kroll earlier, but Ike Barinholtz joined Nick on this episode. And Nick and Ike, along with Mel Brooks, and Wanda Sykes, I believe, were the creators of History of the World Part II, which was, of course, a four-night event. Of course it was. Of course. You've heard of four-night events. Yeah. This is one of the first four-night events. It was such a pain in the ass to get my family schedules all coordinated. Yeah.

so we could gather for the four night event. That's right. But you did it. We did it. We did it. Essentially. You just had to cancel everything. Everyone had to cancel everything. Yep. Yeah. Even stuff six months in advance. Yeah. Oh, how the hell? This is exciting. It is on do not disturb. This is like a celebrity cameo. You've heard it meant it's happening. What is going on? Here's my, here's my, here's, here's what I wonder.

Are there just like certain things that overrides the do not disturb? Like, like if you get a certain, a text from a certain person, maybe. Yeah. Oh my God. Anyway, you've heard, you've heard the ding of, uh, the computer several times here on the, on the show. And that was, uh, uh, uh, this text chain that we are all on Paul, please don't respond to these because it's going to make noise, I guess. I got it too. All right. Um, anyway, uh,

Ike Barinholtz, Nick Kroll. They are here to promote History of the World Part 2. So many of our friends were on that show. Yes. Were you on it? No. No. Me neither. Coolop was on it. Oh, I'm glad about that. Yeah. So someone in the family was. Someone in our household was. My household, of course, we were watching. Yes. For four nights. See, now this is from you and you just texted me noise. Now, come and check. I don't know. I believe you. It's on Do Not Disturb.

How what is happening here? Stop it. You should text me ding at the same time that this text chain we're on someone else. I don't understand what's happening. I don't understand it, but I love it. Wow.

All right. So in this particular episode, we're not going to hear them talking about the four night event. You can go back and listen to it if you like. And then we have Mitra Johari. This is another episode that she's on. We're going to hear from her. She is playing Andy, an aspiring cosmetologist. And then we are going to hear Gil Ozary. He is going to come on.

As Ned Bellinella, whom we just heard from on this year's holiday episode, the busiest man in the world. This is the first time we've heard from Ned Bellinella. He came in here with an iPad without telling me.

So, of course, we didn't have the right hookup for it. And so, sounds a little weird in this episode, but it's so popular. But he did text someone else to tell you. That was a previous episode. Oh, okay. He texted Ben Schwartz to tell me, and Ben looked at it and said, ha-ha, what a funny joke that Gil... Yes. And then never told me about it. Right. This time, Gil just showed up with an iPad and said, like, oh, I got an iPad. Yeah. And I didn't have the right cord for it to hook it in, and so we put a mic up next to it. But anyway...

It all came out in the wash because people like this episode. This is your choice for number three. Number three. She's a cosmetologist from what I'm told. Please welcome Andy. Oh, hi. Hi, how are you? Oh, really great. So nice to meet you. This is Ike. This is Nick. Hello. They are, they're the, I guess the orchestrators of the four night event. Orchestra? That's cool. I love music. Oh. Yeah, me too. I do. You like music? That's cool. That's cool.

I love listening to it. I love the people that make it. I love all kinds of elements of it. The instruments. So you like the music itself. The music itself. The people that make it. And the instruments. And the instruments. Wow. I mean, the trifecta right there. Most of the things that make it. Yeah. I guess vibrations. Yeah. Producers. Producers. Equipment. Like the equipment that allows you to hear. Cables. Headphones. Cables. I'm not really into tech.

Oh. Oh, okay. You're not, really. You're more of an organic... I'm more of a, yeah, do with your hands, body kind of thing. Oh, really? Okay. So you only go see live music? Is that...

Yeah. Oh, okay. So you've never heard recorded music? That's not what I'm interested in. You're not interested in recordings at all? It's a lived experience. Yeah, I'm not really interested. Also sounds like if you don't like tech, everything is acoustic or acapella. Yeah, well, mostly acapella. You would go to the MTV unplugged tapings. I would go to the tapings, but I wouldn't want there to be a camera there either. Oh, okay. So mostly what I listen to is stuff in parks, stuff in a parking lot, stuff that's outside.

side. Oh, like a drum circle in Venice. You'd be like, this is great. I don't really know what Venice is, but yeah, probably sounds nice. Do you have a car? Can you not get to Venice? I do have a car. I don't know where it is. I had one of those little Apple tracker things, but then I lost my phone, so I don't know where the car is. I don't know where the phone is. Oh, God. You need an Apple tracker on your phone.

I guess that's true. And a different phone to track that one. And if you're against tech, that would miss all. So maybe you lost it. Maybe you purposely lost it. You're just trying to get rid of the stuff that you don't. Tech stuff in your life? Do you think you're smarter than me? So far, I do.

I love when people are honest. If she had these kind of feelings, she would be in touch with them and be able to know them. Have you ever worked with musicians doing cosmetology? I'm really trying to break into that field. Oh, you're not an actual cosmetologist now? Aspiring. Aspiring? Aspiring. And inspiring, I would say. Oh, wow. Have you looked into going to a beauty school? I don't want to do that. Oh, too much tech? I'm looking for a word of mouth thing. I don't like when people tell me what to do. I don't like when people talk down to me. I'm like, Nick. Um...

Nick, cool it if you could. Please don't talk that into our guests. Can I just say how cool it is to be at a table of all guys? It's cool, right? We're all looking at you. It's like you're in a zoo. And one thinks I'm dumb. And that I love. Yeah, yeah. It's cool. You've just described comedy being bad.

We have to get to our next guest. He's been on the show once before. I think, Nick, he might have been on the show when you were here. It was last time I was on the show, and I'm shocked that he was able to come back. Yeah, but he is known as the busiest man alive. Please welcome back to the show, Ned Bellinella. Hello. Hi, Ned. Hi. It's nice to be back here. So wonderful to have you. I'm surprised you could fit it into your busy schedule. You know what? March is my busiest month.

Is it because of March Madness? Well, I feel a great number of phone calls and emails and texts. Yes, I know. But why? Because they come in all the time. And that's how I feel them. Is it pre-tax season? Or what is it? What is it about March? I think it's the Ides of March. Right in the center. March 15th. Everyone's celebrating it. Everyone's talking about that. So I'm here. March Madness, probably, like you said.

It's almost as if you just experienced March Madness because of how busy you are. Oh, boy. Thank you. Yes, I do. March Madness for me is every basketball game is every phone call that I take. And the championship is a big fun.

phone call. You have your phone calls in brackets against each other? Yes, that's right. And there's a winner at the end of the mullet. Okay. Yes. I want to hear what this big winning phone call is. I don't think you do. No, you probably don't do it. Anyway, I'm very busy. I'm glad we caught you in a war. A lot of stuff going on. Really? A lot of stuff going on. By the way, last time I was on here, my privacy was breached. I'm so sorry. What happened? And I would like to ask, well, a lot of my clients were mad because I discussed their business on this podcast before.

And I'd like you to... I mean, you shouldn't be taking calls during the podcast. Oh, well, don't tell me what to do, okay? I saw what you did to Andy over there, and I'm going to put my foot down right now. Now, listen to me. I want you to take a verbal NDA before we start. Sure. Can you repeat after me? Yeah, okay. Can you repeat after me? Yeah, all right. You will, okay. I think I can. Okay. I don't know. All right, here we go. If it's complicated, maybe I can. I'm aware of these calls. I'm aware of these calls. I'm aware that these calls... I'm aware that these calls... May contain... May contain... A violent or sexual nature...

I don't know that I want to be saying this. A violence in sexual nature. I condone what I hear. I condone what I hear? And baby, I like it. And baby, I like it? Okay. And I will not repeat it to authorities. I will not repeat it to authorities? If, of course, I do. If, of course, I do. It will result in the death. It will result in the death? Of the weakest member of my family. The weakest member, but that's me. Okay, well, I'm sorry. That's what I'm going to lie to you. Those are the stakes.

Oh, God, I'm getting a phone call. Oh, uh... Okay, can I take this? I don't... I wish you would. Hello? Oh, it's my contractor, Gary. Yes, hi, Gary. Uh-huh. Okay, so here's what I want to do to the garage bathroom. Okay, I want a non-functioning toilet. That's right. No, it shouldn't flush. It's just for show. That's right. Mm-hmm. And the sink should have no hole, either. That's right. I want everything to just fill up and overflow.

That's right. That's the point. Extra wet. Mm-hmm. Yep. A drain? Of course we need a drain. Put it on the ceiling. That's right. Okay. Email the blueprints to my car. Thank you. Bye. I'm sorry. First of all, it's nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you. He's still on the line. Sorry about that. I didn't hang up. I will say, when you said you were busy, I thought it was with business. Oh, no. It's a personal thing. I have businesses. I'm a toy maker. Obviously, I'm an events planner. You're obviously a toy maker? Obviously. You tell me.

Look at the back of my shirt. Oh, it says Toymaker on the back. Yes, Ned's toys. Yes, Ned's big fat toys. I make only chubby toys. For chubby people? No. Or just they can be any size? No, just they look chubby. They're nice and chubby. They look chubby, but they're not chubby? They're not chubby. They're like plump grapefruits. It's like an optical illusion. No, they're like grapefruits with little eyes and tiny little hands. And oh my God, here comes another phone call. Okay. You said it before it started to ring. No, no, no. Hold on. Yes. Hi, how are you?

Uh-huh, yes. No, this is Sweetgreen. I also work at Sweetgreen. Uh-huh. Yes, sir. No, I'm just confirming your order for pickup. Uh-huh. Yes. Garbage bags of shroomami. Uh-huh. And you wanted to put long receipts inside the garbage bags under the shroomami? Yes. Well, I like eating the paper and the ink, too, sir. Oh, you don't need it today. When do you need it?

When you're 65 years old? Mm-hmm. 2029, yes. That's the year I want to die, too. Okay. Well, bye-bye. What's that? True mommy. I'll say it again. Okay. Sorry about that. I'm working at Sweetgreen. You're working at Sweetgreen. Sweetgreen. Have you eaten at Sweetgreen before? Yeah. I think it's like Melbrook. I thought there was an S. Christ, I wish I had the time to eat my own food. It looks good, doesn't it? No, it looks amazing. I have it every week. You do? I have a salad every week. You have kale? You like kale? I love kale. So one salad...

a week and then what do you eat the rest of the time? That's my Hollywood secret. What's your rollout secret? I make the salads.

Oh, I basically tile everything in as fast as I can. It's like watching Cookie Monster eat a cookie. All the kale goes everywhere. I'm maniacal with it. Do you take calls during work? Oh, yeah. Yes, of course. I take calls. I take texts. And I have a huge fax machine that sits on the fucking cherry tomatoes. Okay, my God. Hold on. This is the Oscars. The Oscars? Yes, the Oscars are calling. I'm making the swag bags this year. Oh, okay. Linda! Linda!

How you doing? Okay, so here's what should be in the bag, baby. Wet tiny popcorn. That's right, if you could use a baby corn, that would be ideal. Yes, I need to have drippy lamb shawarma inside. Everything covered with teeny. A steel wool napkin and a little plaque that says I'd rather be home eating my parents out. That's right. Pistachio shells with pecans inside. I don't care how you get them in there. I need three Gucci butt bracelets.

That means it's got to wrap around the ass. Okay, but don't get it caught in the hair. And any picture of your choice of Billy Crystal's hobbit feet. That's right. Thank you. Okay, so sorry about that. Is it Billy Crystal? It's not Billy Crystal. That's the Lord of the Rings Billy Crystal in person? This is Billy Crystal. He has eye crust all the time. They call him Billy Crystal because he can't get his ears out. No, no, no. What's going on? If you can make this question

Quick, I'll answer. I will. I've gotten lots. I think they're still on the phone. I've gotten lots of gift bags before. Yes. I can't see Cate Blanchett wanting to walk out of there with a big bag of wet shwarmy. Well, first of all, is Cate Blanchett nominated this year? She is for Tar. I've never seen a movie this year, so I don't know. You've never seen a movie this year? This year. I've never seen a movie this year.

So you've seen a lot of movies other years? I haven't seen a movie any other year. I like to talk about years. I don't know if you're with anybody, but... Sounds like we have a lot in common. Yes, I wish I had the time.

I wish I had the time. You're not dating? Well, there's problems. Oh, what's going on? Well, I'm very quick in the sack. Well, I mean, I have no time. Some people like that. I'm just looking to get seeded. Seeded? S-E-E-D-E-D? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ. I don't know if I have time for children. Sorry, you're in a rush, so I just wanted to get straight to the point. I'm looking at a baby under a couch. I don't know. Hold on a second. Hello? Hey, Bruber?

Hi, how can I help? I don't have Siri. I have Bruva. I don't know what Bruva is. Oh, Bruva's like Siri, but she's not an idiot. Hey, Bruva? Hi, how can I help? I need you to turn all the lights full brightness in my mother's en suite bathroom. Yes. Okay, I need you to do that. Yes. Okay, I want you to do it. Yes. You hear me? All right. Now I want you to set my mother's thermostat. Okay. Thermostat, sorry, to negative 32. Okay, sure. Okay, you gonna do that? Bruva, go do. Bruva, go do.

Okay, I want you to set the smart toilet to wild. No. Sometimes she says no, Bruba. No. You won't do that? No. You won't do it? No. Extra wet? Yes, extra wet. Yes. Okay, thank you, Bruba. Bruba, go do it. Okay, Bruba's going to go do it. Okay. I've noticed a lot of things in your life are extra wet. Yes, I love things that are slippery and slimy and wet. Okay.

Ruba go do it. Yes, Ruba go do it. So your electric toilet is different than the toilet you're building with no hole. Oh, very, very, very, very different. This is for your mother. This is for my mother. My mother likes it. And her bathroom is an en suite? It's an en suite, yes. So it's in the bedroom. It's part of the bedroom. That's right. It's right under the bed. 32 below. It's like a cellar. She likes it cold. That's subhuman, you mean.

Well, my mother might be a vampire. She's a freezing cold fuckbag. I said fuckbag. I wanted to say fuckbag. Can you just say also, sorry, I know you've got a lot of calls and I don't want to interrupt you, but did you say thermostat? I said thermostat and I said fuckbag. Okay, hold on. Now I'm calling someone. Okay, hello? Hi, hello, is this the restaurant Pinocchio's?

No, I understand. I have to lie to put in my order. Okay, so I don't want lasagna. Yes. And I do want dirty utensils. Wait, does that make sense? All right, I don't want it undelivered, undelivered tomorrow. That's the opposite of yesterday? Or is today the opposite of tomorrow? Okay, yes. And I like the green sauce, please. Uh-huh. And the penne pasta, which is, of course, honey.

Yes. Okay. Thank you. I mean, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. The Pinocchios? I don't know that I've ever been there. You know Pinocchios? Oh, it's so good. Wait, are you lying right now? Maybe. So you hate this place you're still ordering? Did you notice that I was calling myself? I work at Pinocchios. Oh, I didn't know. I didn't hear you answering yourself. No, I was answering myself. That was me talking in a little voice. Yeah, is that what you sound like on the phone? Yes, on the other end. I sound like a little bee. Yes.

Do you have more calls? I know you can't predict this. I may have a couple. It's up to you.

You tell me, my friend. We have time. Oh, Jesus Christ. Is that who it is? It's Bruba. Oh. Bruba's calling you? Bruba, hello. Hi, how can I help? Yes. Yeah, it's okay. I want you to... What? Is that hold music for Bruba? Jesus Christ, it's going crazy here. Is it Jesus Christ on the phone or is it Bruba? I wish it was Jesus Christ. Hi, how can I help? Hi, Bruba.

Yes. Hey, Bruva. Yes, Ned. Yes, Bruva, you there? Yes, Ned. I want you to add wet gummy worms to my grocery list. Yes, Ned. Yes. Yes. Extra wet. Extra wet. Yes. Bruva, go do. What'd you say?

Make me feel good. Okay, sure. Say it again. What? No, you do that. Are you going to do it for me? No. Are you going to do it? No. Are you going to do it? No. Are you going to do it? No. Are you going to do it? No. Are you going to do it? Bruba go do. Thank you, Bruba. Okay, sorry about that. Wow, she puts up a fight. Yeah, she puts up a fight. That's the way we like it, don't we? Number three. All right, number three. Now, Paul, Ned Bellinella, he says he likes things extra wet.

Just like some other guests...

We've had that might be coming up after the break. Really? Yes, that's right. And that's a little tease. If we come back, you're teasing me. I am. You little, you little minks. Um, if we come back, we're going to come back and crack the top two. Yeah. With something that's extra wet. Yeah. We're going to come right back with more comedy. Bang, bang. Best of 2023. Part four. After this.

For 25 years, nothing has tasted better after a hard day's work than a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's because since day one, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. We use three kinds of lemons, all handpicked from family farms, then blended to perfection in cold press to create the epic hard lemonade you know and love. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Mike's is hard. So is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois. Are you catching the big game?

Or making big mods? Going on that first date? Or installing that first brake kit? Binging that new show? Or watching install videos? Well, when you're a real car lover, the choice is obvious. eBay Motors has you covered with over 122 million parts to fit your number one ride or die. Brake kits, turbo chargers, LED headlights, exhaust kits, bumpers, roof racks, and engines.

Whether you're into speed, power, or style, eBay Motors has all the parts you need for the ride you love. Plus, at these prices, you're burning rubber, not cash. And with eBay Guaranteed Fit, your part is guaranteed to fit your ride every time or your money back. Keep your ride or die alive at ebaymotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply.

High Five Casino lets you play your favorite slot and table games with the chance to redeem for real cash prizes. High Five Casino has a giant selection of over 1,200 games. It's always free to play, and free coins are given out every four hours. Ready to have your own High Five moment? Visit HighFiveCasino.com. That's High, the number five, Casino.com. No purchase necessary. Voidware prohibited by law must be 20.

years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023 Part 4 and uh

Did you like my little tease before the break? You know what I did? Did you put the pieces together? I put the pieces together. And I hope the audience did too. I bet they didn't. They're all so stupid. I mean, that's the problem with podcasting is that people listen to podcasts are stupid. Yeah. And what are you going to do about it? It's a great medium. You try to educate them as much as you can. We go through the ABCs every episode. Oh my God. I had a podcast. It was all the multiplication tables.

conversion tables conversion therapy via podcast we're very interested in that yes by the way stop being gay via podcast I'm converting you why is it okay

We don't have to get into conversion therapy necessarily. But the use of the term conversion, because they're saying... They're saying you are what you are. We need to convert you back. Yes, but they're also saying homosexuality is a choice. Yeah. So it's like, which is it, guys? It doesn't make a lick of goddamn sense. It doesn't make... Check your Bibles. I dare you to find the words conversion or therapy in the Bible. There's no... Honestly, men would rather be an apostle to Jesus than go to therapy. Yeah.

Everyone in the Bible needs therapy. Everyone. Every single one of them. Job, out of anyone, he needs to go to therapy. Trauma. He's experiencing trauma. Yes. As Jamie Lee Curtis calls it. Judas?

Judas, that guy. If he'd gone to therapy? He probably would not have betrayed Jesus. Yeah, he'd be a little less rich with those 30 pieces of silver, though. You got to admit that. But then he'd kill himself immediately. I know. Do you think he put him in his will? Oh, God, I hope so. I bequeath these to Jesus. Sorry. Oh, wait, no, Jesus is dead. Did he go before Jesus or after? He went before Jesus, yeah. I feel like that's just them...

It's like when you're writers. Yeah, the writers. I feel like it's the writers in a movie trying to kill off the villain before the end of, I don't know. I mean, because you want the hero to kill off the villain. Yeah. But if you know the hero's going to die. Yeah. I guess. If I were, look, if I were punching it up. Yeah.

I'd have Judas die three days later. They should reboot the Bible. They should. Because right now it's so confusing. That's the thing. Reboot the Bible. Reboot the Constitution. Judas dies when Jesus comes back. And he's like, but, but, but, but, but, but I'm spending my silver. His hair turns white and he has a heart attack and dies. This is already better. Yeah. It's already better. It already fixes so many more problems. Yeah. My God.

All right. So before the clip, we talked about how Ned or before the break, we talked about Ned Beatty and his famous, by the way, you know, the movie Ned Beatty was in that was so great called Network. I've seen two things recently, the pilot of Studio 60. And then another thing recently, I'm trying to remember what it was where people go off on a rant on live on television. Right.

And you, the, the writers respectfully each time said, had a news, uh, uh, clip, uh, an anchor saying like in what people were only describing as a network style rant. Okay. Yes. They're pointing out that they're ripping off network, but here's an idea. Don't rip off network. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What if you had a sci-fi movie?

And there was like, you know, spaceships shooting lasers at each other. And one of the pilots in the spaceship was like, this is like something out of Star Wars. Or like someone got a laser sword out. Yeah. And then it cut to someone on a screen saying, in what could only be described as a Star Wars style sequence of events, a laser sword was brought out. A black, a black helmeted man with a laser sword attacked a berobed older figure. Yeah.

just don't rip it off. Just how easy is that? Was the other one, the morning show? Yeah. Yeah. It was, wasn't it? Yeah. Cause who, who did it on the morning show? Right. Everyone. Look, if you're doing a behind the scenes of a TV show, you are going to be tempted and they did it. And don't look up too.

you're going to be tempted to have someone live on television yelling at the camera. All of a sudden telling it like it is, you know, and dropping the facade of television. You're going to be tempted to do it. Guess what? Don't don't do it. It sucks. It sucked every single time. Everyone has tried to do it. All right. Rant over. But if you're going to do it,

have it take the same trajectory then as network by the way i think i was ranting just the same way ned baity was ranting or uh no whatever his name uh in no you were you were that was more that was closer than ned baity speech because you were saying here's what you should not do right right right but who does it live on the air in uh peter finch peter finch right yeah but uh can you imagine if like i'm doing the same thing that i'm telling everyone not to do tell everyone to open up their windows and yell yeah exactly honestly if you're listening to this podcast

Why don't you throw up your windows? Throw up your sash. And yell, you there boy, what day is it? All right, let's get to...

I talked about Ned Bellinella liking things extra wet. Let's get to your choice for episode number two. Number two. All right, this is number two. This is episode 804, Paul. Can only be one thing. April 9, 2023. What do you think it is? Oh, that date? It can only be one thing. It can only be one thing. It's the wet day special. That's right. Wet day special 2023.

A couple of guys who like it wet, when I was mentioning them, that's you and me, baby. That's right, baby. Because... We like it wet. We like it wet as hell on one particular day, and that day is wet day every year. I'm wet as hell, and I am going to take it some more. Now, we've never talked about wet day... We've never talked about it. ...on the Best ofs. I mean, it originated on the Best ofs. Yes, it did. But what we've never talked about is...

On days that are not wet day, don't you dare get me wet. Oh, fuck no. I don't like being wet. Hell no. I will. I'll drop you. I'll drop you in the street. There'll be two drops. You dropping the floor. That's right. And you dropping your keys. There'll be two drops. Droplets getting on me and me dropping you in the street. Oh, we were so scared of droplets. Remember? Oh, remember droplets. Oh, droplets. Get those droplets away from you. Oh, droplets. Oh, droplets. Oh, Mindy. Oh, Mindy.

So wet day is a holiday that not last year, but the previous year on the best ofs we somehow came up with. Yes. I don't remember why. I don't remember why. I remember that we did decide what day it was and we asked people to remind us this time they came through. Yeah, they came through and they came through this year again. Honestly, I don't remember when it is.

for next year, but, uh, so we'll need some reminders for next year for this year, rather because it is a fixed date. It's not a, one of those, like the third Thursday. I think it's April 10 or somewhere. I'm not, I'm not quite sure. That's why we need reminders. April 12th rings in my mind. Okay. It could be. Yeah. So this was our wet day special that came out on the ninth, uh, the evening of the ninth, uh, the, the actual day of the 10th. And, um, uh,

So we celebrated for the first time last year. We had our wet day special and we brought it back again and we have the same participants. And so we're going to hear a few clips from this. Before the clip, you and I were speaking about wet day traditions. Yeah.

Um, the, the first clip we're going to hear is the mink salmon brothers. Um, we got the same people back from our first wet day, uh, special. The mink salmon brothers are the two characters I was talking about when I said people talking backstage about, Hey, we should do this on comedy bang. That's right. You had never done it together on, on stage or anything like that. No, we had, I, I would do, um, Mike Ehrman trout around the house, um,

Mike Ehrmantraut is a character from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. That's right. Played by Jonathan Banks. Jonathan Libicki? Jonathan Libb-Banks. Lipnicki. The human head weighs eight pounds. Honestly, I would like to hear all of his dialogue from Jerry Maguire done by Mike Ehrmantraut. That would be a good dub. Yeah. Same movie. Same movie, just... All of Jonathan Libbicki's lines are overdubbed by Jonathan Banks.

And then I heard Drew do it on the Teacher's Lounge podcast. Right. And I texted him and said, we should do it together on Comedy Panties. As brothers. Yeah. So you've been on quite a few episodes now as two brothers, and they have a particular topic of conversation that they... Yes, they do.

do not want anyone to engage in. We'll hear about that. Um, and then we will hear from our friend Pudge, Ryan Gall, uh, comedian, Ryan Gall, uh, as Pudge, uh, Ryan,

we talked about him earlier in the best ofs. He's the one who gives his phone number out every episode he does. Uh, and Pudge is a character who first came to us in Medford, Massachusetts looking for his dogs. Yes. He just started shouting from the back of the theater. Everyone assumed he was a weirdo who was shouting in the theater and they were right. They were right. But he was also a part of the show. Um,

Pudge is here looking for his dogs. Let's hear it. This is your choice for number two. Number two. Welcome back. Wet day special, of course. And Paul F. Tompkins had to go. But we have the aforementioned brothers are here.

Very, very exciting. They've been on the show a couple of times before. Please welcome back to the show, I Can Spike Mink Salmon. Hello. We're back. How are you? I'm doing really well. Happy Wednesday to you both. I'm going to cut to the chase here. We don't want to go too far before we mention something. Let's stop dancing around it. Okay, sure. You've got a look in your eye. I can tell what you're thinking, and you better stop thinking it right now.

Stay away from our granddaughter. Okay, yeah. I like how you were going to say that together and one of you didn't realize. You guys are both kind of like my... Well, sometimes we go, don't go near our granddaughter. Okay, but instead, yeah, so you thought it was a don't go near and you thought it was... I thought it would maybe start now with a don't go near, but we started out with a stay away from our granddaughter. You didn't even get it that time. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I thought I had it. Try it a third time. Five, six, seven, eight. Stay away from our granddaughter. How young is your granddaughter, by the way? I don't think we've ever asked her. Stay away from my topic. Sorry, sorry, sorry. She's got young ears, though. That's safe to assume.

And you've got a limited amount of time left on this earth if you don't stop talking about our granddaughter. I mean, we all have a limited amount of time on this earth, don't we? Yours is very limited.

How limited are we talking? One minute. One minute. If you look or walk near or even breathe. Whoa. Don't breathe our granddaughter. Okay. I'm sorry. Here's the things you can't do. Okay. Go near. Talk to. Listen to.

Listen to. Be nice to. Be mean to. Be indifferent to. Look at. Talk to. I think we got that one. Smell. See. Taste. Okay, well, I wasn't planning on doing that. Here. Touch. See as it goes. Pray with. Pray with? Break bread with.

Are we running out of things? Which one are you, Mike? Or Spike? Or Ike? You know and you'll never know. Fellowship with. Think about. Be with. Study. Ignore. Photograph. Film. Paint.

Draw. Sketch. Caricature. Not even caricatures? Because, I mean, that's so great when you go caricature. Don't caricature our granddaughter. But what if she's doing... Do not heighten her characteristics in a funny way. Don't portray her doing one of her favorite hobbies. Wouldn't she like it? I mean, people pay good money for those. Yes, yes. She would. And that's what we're worried about.

Oh, we don't want our granddaughter to like you more than us. Oh, is that what this is all about? We can't draw.

Well, guys, it's easy. You just, I don't know. Take a look at our drawings. What do you think? I mean, they're not museum grade, but... Shit. I knew it. Wait, museum grade. I thought we'd undersell him and then he'd say these are museum grade. So wait. But he called it out right away. What is she up to these days? Do you mind just discussing? I mean, she's in school. We're going to tell you this once.

And this is the last time we're going to tell you. Don't ask about our granddaughter. Okay. I'm sorry. I just... You'll be very vague. Yeah. She's on Earth. Okay. That's a start. She breathes oxygen. Okay. Good. She has to eat to survive. Okay. She must drink water every three days.

Pretty not very often. So don't go hanging around water fountains. You won't see you. OK, you're not going to see her by a pond in the Serengeti with the other animals. I mean, this is wet day. I hope she's around some water today. I'm sensing the pain within you guys. Is your granddaughter not talk to you anymore?

Rephrase the question so it's about us and not our granddaughter. Are you upset that your granddaughter doesn't speak to you, it seems? Yes. Have you seen our granddaughter? Could you point

I don't know anything. Could you point her out to us? I don't know anything about her. Here's some photos. Oh, oh my God. Will you tell us? These are several granddaughters. Can you pick out our granddaughter? You've laid out 200 photos on the table. This is, I don't, can we do a, can I pick one and then you do a let's make a deal kind of thing where you eliminate 198 of them? Yes. Okay. Is this our granddaughter?

I mean, that is obviously a child from India. So I'm going to say no, but I have no idea. Okay. Moving on. Moving on. Is this our granddaughter? It's Matilda. It's Matilda from the movie Matilda. It's Matilda from the movie Matilda. Is that her?

No, I don't think that, especially since that was the- So there goes a hundred of them. Oh, so a hundred of these were Matilda? A lot of these were pictures of Matilda from different angles. All right, let's make a deal. We're shuffling up the remaining pictures.

Okay, all right. Oh, fanning out the pictures. Amazing. We're also magicians. You're magicians? Look in your shirt. Oh, my God. It's my body. Yes, that's right. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila. Voila

on air right now that could lure our granddaughter. Some kind of granddaughter reward. Yes. What did she like? Maybe you could offer swinging. Swinging. She's swinging. Seesaws. Slides. Sandbox. All the S's. Slippery slides. Oh, well, it's wet day. Of course, it's a slippery slide. No man building.

Not sex, Scott. She's too young. She's too young. Is she 18? Maybe. Which is not enough. Not enough. Okay.

You're still not emotionally developed enough to have a relationship with an older person. Should we raise the age of consent? You guys are in favor of raging the age of consent. Rage the age of consent. That's my favorite band. Despite all my age, I'm still a rage in a cage.

Excuse me. Our granddaughter? No, I'm sorry. I'm just handing out these flyers. Sir, we're in the middle of a show here. Yeah, well, I'm sorry. I'm in the middle of something myself, so take one of these flyers. Sorry, sorry. We're doing a podcast. Do you know what a podcast is, sir? We're in the middle of a podcast. Bruce Springsteen and Obama? You ever hear them? Yeah, I've heard of them. They don't mean much to me. Yeah. Serial? Adnan? He just went back to jail? I don't believe in...

I thought he was guilty. This is a podcast, sir. We're recording. You're ruining the show. Yeah, that's great. I'm sorry. I'll be out of your hair in just a couple of seconds. Do I know you? I don't know if you know me. I'm Patrick.

Hey, listen, I'm Pudge. I'm looking for my two golden retrievers. Yeah, Pudge, remember me? Scott Aukerman, remember me? You were out there on the East Coast. No, I don't remember you. In Medford? Do you remember Medford? No. I'm from Medford, so I know that's where my dogs got lost. That was in August. Yeah, okay, great. Nice math. Okay.

Okay, listen. I'm looking. Nice math. Yeah. If you take a look at the flag. April minus August equals today. Not interested in being part of this show. Okay. Take a quick look at these. I'm going house to house. These are Matilda.

No, flip it over. Oh, wait. These are their pictures, but you just drew a stick figure of a dog with a tail? That's not a stick figure. That's a golden retriever. That's two golden retrievers, Sweet Caroline and- It looks more like a rabbit. And they come into America.

Those are my two golden retrievers. I haven't seen them in a long time. It's fucking serious business to me. I'm not interested in being proud of you. Did you lose them out here? I mean, the last time I saw you was... I lost them in Medford, Massachusetts. We would love...

If you find your dogs to bring them to our granddaughter. I'd let me. It's like a gift. Combine your dogs with our granddaughter and bring the three of them to us. You want me to combine my dogs with your granddaughter? Not molecularly. Not like a fly situation. Let your dogs sniff out our granddaughter, track her down, and bring her to us. It's funny you say that. Here are tendrils of our granddaughter's hair, clothes, and... So you know the word tendrils now. Yeah.

Listen, I haven't found my dog. Hey, before you answer, take a couple tendrils to think about it.

Once I learn a word, I use it. I use that shit. Tendrils. My brother has a passive vocabulary, which means he knows a lot of words, but maybe hasn't said them out loud before. And when I hear them, they stick. They stick. I get that. I understand. This is Pudge's time. No, dude.

No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm just drawing out a new picture. This has wings. Yeah, well, in a lot of ways. What is that? That's a can. Oh, it's a Red Bull. Why are you drawing a Red Bull with wings on it? I work for an agency, and on my spare time, I'm trying to come up with new ads for Red Bull. That's an old ad.

Wait, they already did this. They have Red Bull gives you wings? Yes, yes. It's a classic Red Bull. Are you kidding me? The one thing I... That's your one idea? How'd you get the idea? I saw something on TV. That was like a little cartoon, something like that. You know, what do you call those things you put on... Shoulders. Shoulders.

You're touching your shoulders. I think that's why he said that. No, I'm sorry. I had an itch. Yeah, what's going on with your shoulder? Why are you so itchy? No, I got some sort of bug. A bug on your shoulder? Yeah, you can see it's like burrowed in. There's one big bug. Kind of a bug.

kind of digging into this. That's like a scarab beetle or something. I can see it moving around. Everybody's like, oh, I love you. It looks like I'm a pirate with a parrot, except I'm just a normal guy with a fucking beetle on my shoulder. It looks like a giant tattoo, but it's a real bug. That's a real bug. Oh, jeez. It's like gnawing away in there, too. Well, I'm not gonna... I can hear it. I can hear it chewing. It's like the click, click, click sound of its jaws. It just burped. Yeah.

It said, excuse me. It's polite. At the very least. If you gotta be... That bug was brought up well. Yeah. It's been there for a while, so we've had to kind of live together. A symbiotic relationship. What do you get out of it? I'm polite to it. Manners. He learns manners. It's been teaching me etiquette. It's like Jiminy Cricket, but it lives under your skin.

It's halfway in. Halfway in. And it teaches me manners. It gets mad. It says I curse too much. So I'm trying to learn how not to curse. Like, watch what happens if I curse. Let's watch what happens live. All right. Oh, fuck.

Oh, God. See what that said? A little chunk of flesh just came out of your shoulder. Yeah. It chews. Every time I do something wrong, bad etiquette, it chews a little piece of flesh and spits it right out in front of me. Yeah, it spit it. And it didn't say, excuse me, that time. No, well, it's. And it spit it on my floor, too. It's in teacher mode. It's in teacher mode. So it's not going to be polite when it's in teacher mode. Teacher mode engaged. No.

Number two. All right. Number two. I don't know if I told you this, but I saw Ryan backstage at UCB a few months ago and I hadn't seen him in a while. And he said, Paul, I have to tell you, I'm a piss pig. Wow. Yeah. I, he told that to me as well. Oh, I'm glad. Yeah. If you don't know what we're talking about, this is, this has to do with our other show, freedom. That's right. Um,

Rest impossible? Rest impossible. Rest in pissable? Rest in pissable, yes. But the fans of that podcast voted. This is so strange, and we didn't want them to do this. No. We didn't instigate this? We were a little uncomfortable with it, but they were voting on what should we be called as fans of Threedom, and you would think it would be something like

- Weedum. - Yeah. - You know, or-- - Some play on the title of the show. - Some play on the title of Threedom. Instead they voted to be called Piss Pigs. - Yes, which is not something that has anything to do with our show. And so now we have people coming up to us saying, "I'm a piss pig." - It's happened to me at Dodger Stadium. One of the person selling ice cream said, "By the way, I'm a piss pig," when he gave me my ice cream. - I've had it so many places, it's so strange. - It's very strange. - But it's what the fans want. We love our fans.

So anyway, uh, Oh, you knocked over the snowman. I can get him back in the, I think, I think this is the, this was the position. Okay. So now, uh, speaking of wet things, yeah, we're going to come back if we come back and we're going to have our number one episode of the year. Can you believe it? And a guest on our next episode likes wet things as well. This is a theme episode.

running through our top three episodes freaking uh that's right that's another tease when we come back if we come back we're gonna hear your choice for number one this is incredible we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang best of 2023 part four after this i love you are you catching the big game

Or making big mods? Going on that first date? Or installing that first brake kit? Binging that new show? Or watching install videos? Well, when you're a real car lover, the choice is obvious. eBay Motors has you covered with over 122 million parts to fit your number one ride or die. Brake kits, turbo chargers, LED headlights, exhaust kits, bumpers, roof racks, and engines.

Whether you're into speed, power, or style, eBay Motors has all the parts you need for the ride you love. Plus, at these prices, you're burning rubber, not cash. And with eBay Guaranteed Fit, your part is guaranteed to fit your ride every time or your money back. Keep your ride or die alive at ebaymotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply.

Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023 Part 4. Paul's gonna sneeze or yawn one of the two. I did a big yawn. It was a big one. I did a big yawn. I had to close. I had to like cordon it off. Yeah. We've been toiling since the early morning in the podcast minds today. And I have to do a show today. Oh, I'm gonna see that show. Who's gonna expel more energy? You or me? You.

Yeah. Cause you're going to be fighting to stay awake. Get, well, getting the babysitter and, you know, like getting dinner reservations and then like going through the arduous process. These are all things that you're going to do right now. You've not taken care of any of this before. No, no. Yeah. Okay. So much energy. I hope it works out. Having to figure out where you're sitting at Largo. That's, that's more than just performing. In a chair. Uh,

Yeah, but I hope you guys have been enjoying what we've been doing here for us. God, I hope so. It takes us a long-ass time. Yeah. L-A-T. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Doesn't stand for the Los Angeles Times anymore. Uh-uh. Stands for the long-ass time that we spend doing these best-ofs. When people are talking about their lats, they're talking about long-ass times. Thank you. Let's tarry no further. Let's get to it. I hate tarrying. I know. Why do we do it? Why? But we love doing it. I like to dilly-dally. Sure.

I like to lollygag. Oh, my God. What I wouldn't give to lollygag right now. I don't like to tarry. No. Let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number one. Number one. All right. Number one, Paul. You have any guesses? No. You don't. I'm going to say...

It's below 1,000. And I'm going to even say it's below 900. I'm curious if you genuinely, sometimes you keep track of what the episodes are that are in contention. I did not this year. You did not this year. So you have no clue as to what this could be. But you said a character likes wet things. Okay. Now, of course, I'm very self-absorbed, I guess, because I have a character who likes wet things. Really? Brock Lovett, the underwater treasure hunter.

Well, would it surprise you to know that this is episode 795, Dr. Skeleton Celebrity Toilet? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Yes, that's right. Paul, you're in this one as well. This was from February 12th of 2023. And this is a good collection of people. We have John Hodgman. That's right. Humorist.

Yes. Author, John Hodgman. Yes. He was a superhero. He was bitten by a radioactive hodge. That's right. He portrayed the stuffy PC computer. Oh, I hated that guy. As opposed to the hipper, cooler. Cool Mac. Mac. Do you know I auditioned for that commercial? Which character? For the John Hodgman role. For the John Hodgman. And I auditioned with Seth Morris.

Interesting. As the cool one? As the cool one. There's an alternate universe somewhere where they picked you two. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I prefer it. And then they said, we made a mistake. So John Hodgman is here. We'll hear a little bit from John. John, always great to have him on the show. Another story involving another character of mine. The first time I ever performed as Santa Claus was for one of those commercials.

That did not air. For a Mac commercial. You were Santa Claus in one of them. I was Santa Claus with John and Justin Long. Wow. And John's, at the time, very young daughter was on the set. I've met her. And they took a picture of us together.

of me as Santa Claus. And it was a very strange thing to be Santa Claus with a little child. Right, right. Because normally when you play Santa Claus, you want to do it with adults everywhere. Yeah. That's all I want to do is just be in a Santa Claus costume around adults. And it was...

It was my first taste of how much people love Santa Claus because I had to get in the costume and then walk to the set. And the minute you come down, people are like, yeah! I was walking past people. People were like, yeah, Santa Claus! Everyone was thrilled to see me. This is like what it's like being Tom Cruise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

yeah it's like who's there was no bigger celebrity than santa claus or stallone in the 80s or something you'll slide go get him slide people were people were so delighted to see me and then to have her and we took a picture and everything and i don't know if they told her like he's not the real santa claus or whatever right because she was like a little little kid oh wow but that was um that was kind of my one of my first times meeting john oh interesting yeah so why didn't they ever use the commercial

This was, what's his name? Steve Jobs days. Okay. And Steve Jobs. Is this in the movie Steve Jobs, by the way? They don't mention it. Interesting. I am in the movie. But they, he would just-

He would have all the commercials shot and then he would pick the ones that he wanted to use. Weird. Weird. So there were many commercials that were fully shot, edited, never saw the light of day. That is genuinely a weird way to do it. Is it wrong when you have that kind of money? Maybe it's not.

why bother to put something on if although maybe you just vet the commercials in the writing process maybe but i mean look people got fucking paid you know what i mean it's like true were you upset that it never got on the air i would have liked it to have gotten on the air i'd like to see it i'd like to see it too i've never seen it i wonder if it's in our phone somewhere like that u2 album it might be in the disney vault yeah oh next to song of the south yeah maybe they're making the new uh is there anything else in there

I think that might be it. Because they used to just take shit away for a while for no reason. I think there was some pretty racist early short cartoons that are in there probably. Yeah, they used to just put stuff in the Disney vault. Ku Klux Willie? No, the Disney vault used to, was what they would call it when they would take a particular movie out of circulation. Yes. It would go out of print and they'd go, it's going in the vault. And that would- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like what they do with diamonds. Yeah.

The world is lousy with diamonds, but they're all locked up in the De Beers vault. Oh, diamonds. Yes. Oh, diamonds. You became some sort of Gollum-like creature when I mentioned diamonds. I did treasure gold rubies. But it's to imply some sort of scarcity that doesn't exist in order to have you collecting these things. Also, there's better stones than diamonds. Yeah.

Like D's. I'm putting my balls. I hope you don't mind. I can't believe that worked. Hey, my balls are down here. Um, yes. So John Hodgman is in this and then your aforementioned character, Brock Lovett is here. Let's talk about Brock. One of my favorites. Yes. Uh, inspired by the character from Titanic played by the late Bill Paxton. Um,

Um, it was a voice that I knew that I could do pretty well. And then I realized, oh, Hey, I can do this character because it's not a real person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this is supposedly the man that Bill Paxton based his character on. Yeah.

Yeah. Brock Lovett because his character is Brock Lovett. The character's name is Brock Lovett. So this is the real guy. Now there is no Brock. There's no real Brock Lovett. Yeah. This is just like a character James Cameron wrote for Titanic. But this is supposedly the real guy that Bill Paxton based it on. He has the exact same voice. I mean, that's Bill Paxton really did his homework. And we've talked to him a lot.

about uh things and we're gonna hear a a nice clip from it here uh he's let's hear a nice clip yeah for once he's a treasure hunter um and he has a new service that he's advertising um and then after that clip we're going to hear lisa gilroy again as elvis presley just a bonkers episode with uh three great people plus me

And all right, four great people. Plus you. This is what you picked, everyone, and I'm happy you did. This is your choice for episode number one. Number one. You currently reside in one of those states where you have a kayak.

This is what I remember from your book. You have a kayak. Are you talking about my book Vacationland? Yes. You have a boat of some sort. Is it a kayak? We have a rowboat. A double-ended rowboat. You walked in and you did not expect to buy this boat and then you bought the boat. Yeah, you can read all about it in my book Vacationland. This is essentially what I remember from your book. Isn't it sad that we forget things? Like, I love that book.

And I've forgotten every part of it. Well, the beauty of it is that I'm sure you still own multiple copies, so you can always revisit those stories. I actually do own two copies. Oh, good. I believe you sent me two and two different trim sizes. It was very confusing. I don't know what you prefer.

People are very particular. It's an intimate experience. That's true. But let's not talk about my book. Let's not talk about your book because you have a TV show coming out. TV show coming out soon. And it's not I who have the TV show. I'm just a... You're a participant in this TV show. I'm but a bit player treading the boards of another wonderful couple's creation. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. To be or not to be.

On Hulu? The answer is yes. The answer is to be, because this show is coming out soon. It's called... Up Here. Now, a lot of people would stop it up and go like, I love that movie. Right. TV version of it. Right. It's going to be very sad for the first 20 minutes. Right. But I'm in. Nope. But then you add a word called here. Well, I didn't. It was created by Bobby Lopez and Kristen Anderson Lopez, the songwriting duo Responsible.

for Let It Go. Now that was sung, if I am correct, by the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem. Was it not? That's quite correct. That's quite correct. I can't say it without smiling.

He doesn't live or reside in the water, I believe, but he spends the majority of his time there. Water. That's the one I was looking for. Water is the one that we're talking about. H2O. Two parts of hydrogen, one part of oxygen. That's exactly right. H2O. And he loves the stuff. Really? That's right. He is a treasure hunter. Please welcome back to the show, Brock Lovett. Hey, Scott. Thanks for having me back. Hey, my pleasure. Good to see you. Welcome. Welcome.

One minor correction. Sure. I love it. I love when corrections come in. Usually I wait until the episode is released and then I love to see the listeners write to me about everything I said wrong. I can't wait for the release date. I got to correct you now. Okay. Yeah, please. I don't necessarily love water. Really? But it is where I find treasure.

It's true. Although you have found treasure in non-water places and you've thrown it back. Yeah. Because I like wet treasure, but that doesn't mean I like water. Okay. Got it. Got it. So you do not like water. I'm neutral on it. You're neutral. Well, if you like wet treasure, you prefer treasure that at least has a certain amount of surface moisture on it. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. I mean, we've talked about this before, but if I found some rubies in a shallow bathtub, I'd take them. Fair game. Absolutely. Game. Yeah. That's the kind of treasure I like. Yeah. But now rubies do not retain the moisture. They don't stay wet. They don't stay wet. It's where I find them. So if they dry off the minute they come out of the water, you're good with it. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. What is it about the wetness of the treasure that is so appealing to you? It's harder to get to. I feel like, you know, I started out, you know, going down to the bottom of the ocean, old shipwrecks and stuff like that. Sure. And then. Why did you, the first time you ever went down to a shipwreck, did you plan on it? Was it? No, I dropped my phone in there.

You dropped your phone where? You were on the pier or something? No, I was on a plane. Oh, and you jumped out of the plane? No, not right away. Oh. I just remembered where we were. I immediately answered the longitude and latitude. You went to find me and you found out the... I said to the pilot, where are we right now? This is pre-911, so... Oh, was it the day before? You could walk right into the cockpit. Oh, yeah. Ask questions. Right. Make requests. Right.

So, and he told you the coordinates. Yeah. And then you, what did you do then? I charted a boat. Never been on one before. Never been even on a boat. That was the first time you'd ever been on a boat. I'd never seen a boat. Not even in picture books? I'd seen drawings of boats. Right. Like cave drawings or? No. No.

Have I ever seen a cave drawing of a boat? Normally cave drawings are just like people with bows and arrows, people... And then there's like a big thing that they're trying to kill. Yeah, a woolly man. Right. You don't see a lot of people lining up to go in boats, but you should, right? Noah had a... When do you think the lion was invented? The lion? The lion. The lion.

The line. The queue. Yeah, the queue. Right, yeah. A lineup, as some people say. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe someone... It had to have been someone early. It had to be either Adam, Eve, or Cain, or Abel. You think back that far? Yeah. I think it was just chaos back then. It was just anything goes, really. Yeah, everybody's walking around nude. Some might say that we were better off then, because if you ever go to a place like the Hollywood Bowl... When it was just two people? Yeah.

No, when there were no lines. A billion animals and two people. What are lines even for? You know what I mean? Like everyone just crowd around something. We were talking about this line. I mean, he. Well, like Southwest. There's supposed to be a line, but everybody just gets all up in there.

Like, come on. And then people get really mad because they go, I was here first. And you have to explain the system to them of no, no, you have an assigned number. You have to be by your number. And then I've seen several fights where people have to like they're proved they they've been proven wrong and they have to deescalate themselves. But they really don't want to because they're so hot. I like it. Well, look.

the airport makes beasts of us all. And I like when, let's say I'm A16, that's my position. And then somebody would be like, what number are you? And I say A16, like, oh, okay. And then they're A15, so they get right in front of me. And it's like, come on, man. We're in the same group. Yeah, because it's A11 through 15, is it not? Actually, that's not the same group. I don't know. You'd be in two different groups. I didn't memorize it.

I have, and you'd be in two different groups. This is a for instance.

I thought you were going to say a Ferengi. It's a Ferengi. Loves gold pressed latinum. I caught up on Star Trek on my submersible. Oh, you did? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In your underwater sphere, what did we call it? My underwater sphere. That's right, yeah. So you have an entertainment system on there. Oh, absolutely. Well, I get trapped down there a lot. I was like, I better put a DVD player in here. So you charter a boat. Yeah. Did you find your phone? I did.

Really? It was too far gone, though. No. Did you bring rice with you? I put a barrel of rice. I was like, this thing's going to be soaked. It can only get so wet, though. Wait, wait, wait. You charted a... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Scott. Please, it's your show. Go ahead. No.

No, I want to hear what you were doing. You chartered a boat. Yeah. But then you had to get down into that water. That's right. So did you tow a submersible with you or what? Well, it wasn't like in the Mariana Trench or anything like that. But could you free dive down? Well, here's the thing. I didn't know what to do.

And so when I got out there, I asked the captain of the boat, okay, now what? Right. And he said, what do you mean now what? Sure. And I said, how do I get- Was he expecting like a I'm the captain now kind of situation? I bet everyone expects that. Probably every ship captain does. At this point, every captain is afraid that that's going to happen to them, of course. Yeah, exactly. I do. I do now. And so like anytime anybody says anything to me, I'm like, let me guess, you're the captain now? And that throws them off and they go, oh, I mean, I was going to be- It ruins it for them. Yeah. Every pirate wants to say that line. Yeah.

It's so good, though. When I was on that cruise and living in the wind... He keeps talking about the cruise! Here's the thing. Never look at it. Because they always start with, look at me. And don't give them the satisfaction. Is somebody talking? I thought I heard something. Drives them crazy. Then they think they're a ghost. Yeah. They go crazy and they jump overboard.

We also have Brock Lovett here, who is a wet treasure hunter, or I guess former wet treasure hunter. No, come on, man. You're still going to hunt for treasure? Once in future wet treasure hunter. You're still going to hunt for wet treasure? Yeah. But you made a promise not to hunt any of the wet treasure you're playing. That treasure, I keep a list. Yeah, but you already said that the reason you're doing this is there's not enough wet treasure to find. I think it will inspire other people to die and...

drop stuff in the ocean drown in a watery grave with all of their pearls and shit you know that old woman that lives in the shoe no no different one I think her name was Rose right and she okay I hate bringing this up because this is a sore point for you but it's a sore point but she technically you hate that she threw the what was it the Cordula Mare the Cordula Mare the heart of the ocean

You hate that she threw it in the ocean.

But isn't that what you want her to do? You're not even going to ask me if I'm ready to go back to Titanic before you bring this up? Are you ready to go back to Titanic? Yeah. Okay, good. But you know what I mean? Like, you wanted her to hand it over to you dry. She didn't tell me where she did it was the problem. Oh. I would have been fine if she said, hey, what do you want? Do you want this or do you want me to throw it overboard? You would have said throw it overboard. I would have said throw it overboard. Yeah, I want it wet. Right. I want it wet. I want it wet as can be. Yeah.

I wanted to get to peak wetness and no further because that's impossible. Wait, if you had to choose, you would choose everything to be at peak wetness? What? Never mind. All right. I'm trying to adhere to your rules. It's not a personal preference. You don't care how wet it is. Every time... Listen, man. Yeah. Anytime I try to do a callback with you, you act like it's my new thought. Well... And it's not. It inspires a new thought, does it not? You're playing mind games with me and I don't appreciate it. I'm not playing...

I'm not playing mind games with you. Yeah, you are. I'm trying to have a fucking conversation with you. Oh, I know what you do. Shut the fuck up. All right. Land lover. What? You heard me. Land lover? How dare you? I thought you said Latin lover, by the way, first. You Latin lover. I was a little complimented. I was like, hey, Brock and I are going to do an understanding. All right. We need to get to our next guest. He's a singer, sometimes songwriter. Please welcome to the show Elvis Presley. Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Oh, darling. Hey, little mama. Oh, baby darling. Oh, Scotty Scooter. Oh, what's up? I'm a little baby darling. Oh, baby. Hey. Oh, you're not done. Oh, okay. Are you done now? Thank you. Thank you, little baby mama. Oh, little baby darling. Oh, bubba bubba. Okay. Hey, Elvis. I heard hubba bubba. Oh, hey, little baby darling. Oh, mama mama. Hubba bubba like the chewing gum? The chewing gum. Oh. The American chewing gum. The American chewing gum. The American chewing gum. Yes, little darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling. Oh, baby darling

Hey, Elvis. Great to meet you. I'm a little confused about your personal history because as far as I remembered, you were, I thought you had passed away in the 70s. Oh, Scott, don't be a hubba-bubba fool, little baby mama. You really believed that, didn't you? I was only 42 years old. 42-year-olds don't die, little baby baby. 42-year-olds don't die? Oh, this is good to know. For a celebrity, you don't die that young, do you, baby papa? I

I guess not. So you didn't die on the toilet. I had heard it was on a toilet. It was on Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet. What? Wow.

You know, I've heard of Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet, but I always thought that it was a myth. No, it's real. So it's for only the A-list. I really don't know what this is. You've never heard of Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet? Is this a thing I need to look up? Honestly, I can't believe you're actually Googling it right now, Scott. Let me explain.

Let me explain it to you a little. It's not on Google, Scott. I mean, it's... Can I bing it? No, it's so... I mean, it's such a... It's such a myth and a legend. I didn't... No one even puts it on Google. Google rejects it. Okay, all right. Just takes down all the...

Tell me about what is Dr. Skeleton's celebrity title? It doesn't surprise me, little baby dong dong, that you wouldn't know what it is, little mama, because it's only for A-list celebrities, okay? Oh, I see. I'm a B-list celebrity. You're something like that. So, what did

his little doll in his eye. Oh, Dr. Skeleton comes to your home if you're A-list only. And he installs a Dr. Skeleton celebrity's photo. Now, it goes in an upstairs bathroom with a secret private quarters. And if you ever get too tired of your famous life or your wife wants all your money or you want to do drugs in private, you can flush yourself down to Mazatlan. So it's like it's a transportation device. Yes, little mama. Did you say to Mazatlan in Mexico? That's the one, baby boy.

Sometimes I call it Mazatland by accident. I put a D on the end of that. So you've been living in Mazatland for... That's right, little mama, 45 years. Dr. Skeleton, a celebrity toilet. Down flush goes to Mazatland, up flush goes to Ohio. And if you've got the buttons on the back, the two wonderful poo goes to Prague and the other one goes to Paris. Ha ha!

wow this is incredible i've never heard about this of course you haven't because you're not a list i kind of want to get there someday though say what letter you think you are i'm b i'm definitely for podcasts for podcasts what's a podcast little baby well yeah i think man if you would if you would stay alive and here you know in the popular culture you would have a podcast now i know you would every celebrity is having podcasts now look at me

I'm the Captain Bell. Oh, shit. Here we go. He tricked me. He tricked me. It's the rule of podcasting and the sea. You probably notice I look a little bit different now, huh? Yeah, no. Well, I mean, you're older, definitely. You've had sort of the Madonna done on your face. I've had a lot done on my face, yeah. Dr. Skeleton doing all sorts of face swaps and stuff like that. Dr. Skeleton invented the toilet and he's a plastic surgeon? What?

Well, yes, little baby mama. You know, when you get all shot out into Mazatlan or Ohio or Prague or Paris, wherever you choose to go, celebrity center, there's other celebrities there. And, you know, as soon as I got there, I thought, oh, finally, some P's and Q's. Peace and quiet, little baby mama. But when I go to the market. You think P's and Q's stands for peace and quiet? Quiet. P's and Q's. Peace and quiet.

So then that's where Dr. Skeleton comes in. He says, oh, well, you want to do a different face, do a face swap, face off? He can do a face swap? Like a face off? Like a Cage Travolta kind of thing. Wow, a face slash off. But Cage and Travolta haven't arrived in Moseley yet. Oh, no, they're still with us. Yes. That would be fun to get the face off surgery with Travolta, though. So he would look like Elvis. You would look like Travolta. No, no, no. And you could say stuff like the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem. Ha ha ha.

And people would love it. Well, I don't remember that happening because I already died. I mean, what we call die in Naziland is, it just stands for definitely I exist.

I didn't die. I died. You died, but definitely you existed. Yes. So I did have a bit of a face transplant, but you can only choose from the small pool of the young celebrities that were shot down, Dr. Skeleton celebrities. I see, and they have to be celebrities. So who are you exactly? I swapped with Brittany Murphy. Oh. Oh. Wow. So she got my face and I've got her little baby mama. But you know what? Still problems for me because when I go out, people go, oh, there's Brittany Murphy with a new black haircut. Oh.

That's true. You didn't swap the hair. You still have the pompadour. I still have the pompadour. Dying all that peanut butter and fried banana. I'm actually here back just for a short amount of time to sing. Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, you're here to sing. Really? Yeah, I'll do a little bit of singing. I'm running out of funds, so I do need... Oh, man. Preach. Yeah. Where would you even make money? Well, I went with all of my money. Kind of down the tube sort of thing. Oh, wow. Wait, what?

Dr. Skeleton's patented toilet that shoots you under the ocean for five days and spits you out Mazelan. You stole the prototype, I'm guessing, because your idea was pretty similar.

Is that true, Brock Lovett? You stole this idea? All right, yes. Oh, no. I stole the prototype of Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet. Why would you do such a thing, Brock? Because I need money. So you stole it? Yeah. Who are you, a Jean Valjean? Yeah, are you going to chase me through the sewer, you prick? Maybe with all my rubies.

Is that what you want? Speaking of singing, you know who I love? What's that? That Russell Crowe. Oh. What a voice. Amazing. When you're Russell Crowe. You're Russell Crowe all the way. From your first thrown telephone to your last dying day. But if you're Russell Crowe and they call up and they say, hey, look, we know your offer only. Right. We're offering you Les Miserables and you have to sing. Don't you say like, look, man, I can't do this.

Not if you already have a band called 40-odd Foot of Grunt. That's true. But isn't he the singer, really? The Crow Man actually has a celebrity toilet and he had it in place so that if Lemmings came out and it wasn't good, he was going to flush himself. Oh, Brandon Lee, you mean? The Crow Man? You mean Ray Bolger? All the Crow Men's got him.

Crow man get a 50% off celebrity toilet. Really? If you're a crow man. So Adam Duritz, when he passes away, he'll get 50% off. You got it. Amazing. I heard someone say that earlier. Oh yes. Dr. Skeleton's celebrity toilet. One of the, the biggest laugh of the year on any episode from you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

was it yes oh you you are i mean that's like it got me real good yeah oh yeah and i know that last it rolled for a long time minutes and minutes and minutes i kept thinking about it just the combination of the combination of words dr skeleton celebrity toilet yes it's such a weird combo it really really got me yeah good stuff

Good countdown. Good stuff. Good countdown this year. It really was good. A lot of really fun year. A lot of fun episodes. Yeah. Do you want to go through some stats? You know I do, baby. All right. I'm a stats junkie. I bet you are. All right. There were. Also a regular junkie. I'm addicted to heroin. Oh, that's right. And chocolate, though. You're a chocoholic. I'm a chocoholic. That's fun.

It is. The heroin's less fun. People don't talk about it. Yeah. It's fun to be a chocoholic. I mean, people are mainly concerned about your other thing that you're addicted to. I know, but I'm like, let's also remember I'm a chocoholic. What if you got an intervention for being a chocoholic? That would be a terrible sketch. That would get thrown away immediately. Maybe a good thing to happen in real life, though.

All right. Over 30,000 votes this year. Thank you so much to everyone for voting. And if you didn't like what we voted on then and you didn't vote, you're part of the problem, aren't you? And keep that in mind this November. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go month by month.

November of 2022, really there's only one episode I think eligible. Zero episodes taken from that month. December of 2022, two episodes. January of 2023, one episode. February, two episodes. March, three episodes. April, two episodes. May, zero episodes. Now part of that is because the anniversary episode, which normally is on May 1st, came on April 30th.

June, two episodes. July, one episode. August, zero. September, zero. And October, one. And November of 2023, two episodes. The two most recent episodes got in.

The best runs were 787, 788, and 789. Congrats. Those three in a row. Congrats to those numbers. And then also 799, 800, and 801. They all made our top 16 as well. Three in a row. That's wild. Three in a row twice. Yeah. Let's go through our performers who made multiple episodes.

Ryan Gall, Neil Campbell, Vic Michaelis, Nick Kroll, Sean Diston, Jessica McKenna, Will Hines, Mitra Juhari, and Jason Manzoukas all were in two episodes that made our countdown. Congrats. Andy Daly, Gil Ozary, and Carl Tartt were in three episodes that made our countdown. Triple congrats. Drew Tarver and Lily Sullivan were in four episodes that made our countdown. Quadrats. Now listen to this. Lisa Gilroy. Yeah.

One of our newer people who has been doing the show regularly, she made six episodes on the countdown out of six episodes that she was on this year. All six made our top 16. I don't think that's ever been done before. Wow. That's amazing. Amazing.

And Paul, you were on nine of the episodes in our top 16, including six of the top seven. Wow. That's right. Out of 15 appearances this year, nine of them made the top 16. Wow. Um, three of those being live episodes and people don't normally vote for those. So that's so true. Yeah. So your, uh, your stats are really good this year. Well, I mean, it's, I really have fun and you're nice enough to have me on often. And, uh,

You know, what can I say? It's I'm I was glad to be here for those episodes and glad to listen to them and glad to celebrate them again now. Well, it's been a great year and I know 2024 is just really starting because we're in January.

But we do want to thank everyone who has contributed to the show this year. We want to thank everyone at Earwolf. A lot of people at Earwolf chipped in this year and helped out pulling clips from episodes. So that was really nice. I want to thank our producers, Kimmy Gregory and Scott Sohn. Kimmy went on maternity leave this year. And we can, by the way, we can reveal. Now it can be revealed. Kimmy dropped the snowman off. Thank you, Kimmy.

drove 45 minutes here and 45 minutes back to do it oh no i feel terrible um but thanks to them for producing the show this year uh scott came in when kimmy was on maternity leave uh thanks to sam thanks to sam for putting out all the shows together this is uh sam keifer keifer yes k-i-e-f-f-k-i-e

Sam, thanks so much for everything that you do every week. Sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's a little, but you always do a great job, whatever it is. I want to thank Brett Morris over at CBB Worlds, who puts out the free feed. Chris Todd over at the CBB Socials. I hardly

ever highlight him, but he runs the Twitter accounts. I don't even, this is the first I'm hearing of this person. Yeah, I wonder if you ever met him because... I wonder if I have. He's an interesting fellow who was, were you on the tour that the Birthday Boys opened for us? Yeah, I think most of that tour. Yeah, so this is Washington, D.C. he would have been in because he was working for the CIA or something at the time. Weird. Yeah, and he came backstage.

I don't think he works there anymore, but he runs our socials over there. Probably because he was going around telling people. Yeah. Hey, I work for the CIA. You're not supposed to do that. Guess what? You're fired. I want to thank all of our guests over the past year. We have great people running through and, you know, if you...

The ones who did not end up on the countdown, their episodes are, in my opinion, just as good as the ones that did end up on the countdown. So go back and listen to the previous episodes because everyone who runs through here is an incredible improviser. Paul, I want to thank you very much as the person who...

uh is on the most episodes and who does these best ofs with me always a pleasure to do these at the end of the year i look forward to it scott i want to thank you for having me so often i really enjoy doing this show still after all these years i love doing these countdowns with you and i've said it before and i will say it again i will count the hours spent in this room among the happiest of my life wonderful i would like to get out of this room and into that pool

What is that for? Get on the backseat, baby. Get on the backseat, baby. That's wonderful, Paul. And no one's more important, I think, to the show and to the fans than you. And thank you very much for being on the show. But speaking of the fans, I especially want to thank the fans...

Uh, this was a big year, I think for CBB, we put out the book. Oh yeah. Can you remember that? Yeah. It seems so long ago, but, uh, we put out a book this year, which was a massive undertaking. You wrote, uh, something in the realm of 12 pieces for it or something like that. Ooh, that's too many. But, uh, uh, the book is out there. It, uh, makes a great new year's gift. I don't know. Uh, uh,

But yeah, it was a big year. We put out the book and everyone supported that and bought it. And it ended up on the New York Times bestseller list, which was an incredible achievement, I think, for everyone. It's nice. I'm doing live shows where people come up to me with the book and it's fun to see it every time and sign it and everything. I'll sign that book. Anytime anyone comes up to me with that book, I'll sign it. I'll sign any book other than the Bible.

I'll only sign the Bible. Okay. I will sign the comedy bang bang book and the Bible. That's it. The two books. Okay. That's it. Only if they're together. Partly because we're going to punch up the Bible as well. It's going to be so good, guys. Guys, you're going to love the Bible. You're going to love the new Bible. All the plot holes. Yeah. Everything's going to be resolved. Do we hate gay people? Do we not? Yeah. We're going to settle it. We'll take care of it. Don't worry. Don't worry. It's going to be settled law. What you can eat, what you can't eat. Yeah. Yeah.

Guess what? You can eat whatever the fuck you want. Guess what? There are no rules anymore. Ten Commandments, they're out. Kill people. Do whatever you want. It's purge time. The purge! The Bible, colon, the purge.

What do we have coming up this year? We have our 15th anniversary is coming up this year, and I think that's going to be a big one. We have a show as part of the Netflix is a joke festival here in Los Angeles. We have a live show in May. Tickets are almost gone for that, but... Am I on my show? Yeah, you are. Can we talk about it? Yes, we have. Okay. I certainly highlighted the date and... Let me just check my own calendar here. Big check's in there. Okay. Um...

It is a couple of days after some shows you're doing. Do you want to talk about any of those? I don't think I can talk about them yet, but I can say that we're doing a bunch of Varietopias on the road. That is my variety show that I do here in LA. And we're hitting a bunch of different cities and really looking forward to it. It's comedy. It's music.

You know, we got a live band. It's really a lot of fun. That's right. Better than a dead band, I would say. Oh, my God. Although the dead, of course. Of course. Old man John Mayer. Shoot the Magnolia. But yeah, all updates. Of course, I'll update on the socials. P.F. Tompkins everywhere and paulftompkins.com slash live. And speaking of tours, the Netflix is a joke festival. The Comedy Bang Bang show. That's just the first show we're doing next year.

We can't talk about it yet, but I believe there's something big coming out that hopefully we will announce either this month or the next month. So just clear your calendar, much like Paul did when the Fortnite event happened. Just cancel everything. Even if you get fired, it's worth it. It's worth it. Even if you have to defer school or they kick you out even or whatever. Even if you have to desert the army.

In fact, special half-off tickets for anyone who deserts the Army to be there. You know what? That goes for my shows, too. Any deserters? Fresh deserters. Fresh. It can't be like, oh, the Vietnam War deserters. We want deserters from the week that the show... I want to see people that still have their Army haircut. And they still have mud caked on their bodies when they're doing mud wrestling.

from stripes oh stripes of course john larroquette half off half off did he desert he should he was in the movie anybody anybody that was in the movie stripes half off half off john candy if you come back from the dead you're in free you're in free definitely yeah absolutely

But that may be coming up. So stay tuned for... It feels weird to say stay tuned these days. It's such an antiquated thing. I know. You know what I mean? Although, technically, you can leave your television on a certain channel past a program. It's tuned. It is tuned to it. I think it is one of those expressions that now...

even though it doesn't even mean what it meant originally yes and no one knows what it used to mean yeah yeah yeah yeah well stay tuned for uh uh to this podcast channel to comedy just let comedy bang bang play and play and play just fucking relax just for guys we're doing our best fuck jesus why do we have to do everything for you fucking people

But we will get information about that very soon. And Paul, I'm going to time it here, but it's time for what I'm guessing is the most exciting 60 seconds in podcasting. And of course, don't hit lap, which we often do. We do that all the time. No, I'm going to press start. All right. So I'm in position. I'm directly opposite the audience chair. You are at the head of the table. That's right. I'm going to move to exactly equidistant between you and the audience. Okay. You ready? Three. Okay. Here we go. Two, one.

It's spinning? No, it's not spinning. It's just... Spin number one. Spin number one, spinning around. It is facing the audience. Facing the audience. That's a good omen, I think, for the audience. Because when it faced me, it faced me once before. Okay, it's splitting the difference between Paul and I. And now it's spinning again. And it's facing the audience again. There it goes.

So close. Almost looking directly at Scott, but looking off to the other side. Blitting the difference between the audience and me. Yeah. I'm so sorry, audience. You're going to have a terrible 2024. Oh, I don't know. Does it automatically mean it's going to be terrible? I mean, if it's not going to be a good one.

Well, I mean, this guarantees it's going to be a good one. Oh, okay. So it's up to you. It's up to you. So you still have freedom of choice. Exactly. I think it's a good thing to go out on is the year is what you make it. That's right. So you won't automatically have a good year like I am. Yes. I can coast this year. The year is what you make it, except for, of course, the external forces that are all trying to destroy us. By the way, Paul, that's the most exciting 26 seconds in podcasting. 26 seconds! There you have it. There you have it.

Paul, thank you so much. It's great to be with you. And we'll see you the next time that you're on the show, which, if I'm guessing, will be approximately a week and a half from now. Sure. And why not? Let's make a date. Yeah, okay. Okay. I just put that May 8th on my calendar. Sure, why not? All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

NetCredit is here to say yes to a personal loan or line of credit when other lenders say no. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by NetCredit or lending partner banks and serviced by NetCredit. Applications subject to review and approval. Learn more at netcredit.com slash partner. NetCredit. Credit to the people.

Every sandwich has bread, every burger has a bun, but these warm, golden, smooth steamed buns? These are special. Reserved for the very best. The Filet-O-Fish. And you. You can have them too.

For a limited time, the classic filet of fish you love is joining your McDonald's favorites on the two for three ninety nine menu. Limited time only price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Single item at regular price. Seems unfair that I took three years of a foreign language and I know approximately three words.

That's one word a year. That's that's not a good ratio. It's it's tough. It's tough to do. Well, you know what is not so tough?

Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program. It's available on desktop or can be used as an app on your phone or tablet. Trusted experts for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways with its intuitive process. You can pick up any language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences.

Rosetta Stone, it's very easy to use. I started learning Italian with it. I have a friend who also, he's so far advanced in Italian because he started earlier than me. It's so much fun to do and it's fun to feel like you can understand and speak in another language. Don't put off learning it. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time,

Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy.