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Thanks for being a friend. I love you. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. I don't know, as catchphrases go...
It's a little generic. Thanks for being a friend. I love you. I don't know. It sounded okay coming off the tongue. Maybe you could stick.
Thanks to Steven Soccer Man for that catchphrase. I don't know. Thanks for being a friend. I love you. Welcome to Comedy Bang. I can't see myself saying it every week. Sorry, Steven. The hunt continues. But for the rest of you, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. This is an exciting show. My name is Scott Aukerman. Coming up a little later, we have a relationship expert. That is very exciting. I know a lot of you...
are in relationships. A lot of you maybe want to be in a relationship. I wonder if they're an expert on getting into a relationship or whether the expertise starts the minute the relationship starts. We'll find out all of these questions when they're on. We also have the producer of an exciting new TV show called Rankings coming up. But first, why don't we get to our guest of honor, as we say it, in pole position.
Coming up in A Block, he is one of America's greatest stand-up comedians. He has a new special...
That was filmed of his Broadway show called Just For Us. It comes on this Saturday on HBO. And this is HBO proper. This isn't just on Max. This is HBO proper getting a Saturday night slot. Very exciting. Please welcome for the first time Alex Edelman. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, it's nice that they named a streaming service after my grandfather, but I really did want...
my grandfather on my your grandfather was hbo go no my grandfather was peacock actually but it was really uh no my grandfather on my father's side uh max my grandfather on my mother's side herschel gets huck and i don't think herschel gets huck will be streaming at all you should start a service just as that i think that would be very fun it's just yentl again and again and again
It's the Yentl on Herschel. Yentl, Scott hasn't seen. You should do that show while you're in town. It's a really good... I know. Papa, can you hear me, right? Papa, can you hear me? I mean, she's...
It's so funny. I remember seeing it going, oh, that's my exact sexuality. It's Barbra Streisand dressed up like... Meaning she is... She embodies what your sexuality is or you find that attractive? I find that attractive and it embodies my sexuality, which is a... So you're a yentl looking for... Yentl. I'm a yentl. That's what my classified ads say. Yentl seeking yentl. Classified ads? Yeah.
Yeah, wait, that's not what I meant. Yeah, but also, yes, what I meant. No, classified ads. People used to put ads in the paper with blank seeking blank. Yeah, exactly. Well, welcome to the show. It's great to have you. Will this surprise you to know that I watched your special? I'm a professional podcaster. I do these things. When someone's going to be on the show...
I sit down and I watch this special and here I did. And, and by the way, 90 minutes, we talk, we've, we've had some real 90 minute specials these days. That's true. These are mainly the Broadway shows.
We had Jacqueline Novak on doing her. Well, Jacqueline was off Broadway, if you want to be certain. Oh, really? No, it's a very it's the Colin Quinn used to call it. I think Colin Quinn's was 70 minutes. But yeah, it was not. Yeah, it was 90 minutes, 90 minutes. And it flew by. It's very, very funny. It and I tell you, I watched it in an hour long slot that I had to watch this thing. I'm like, this can't be over an hour.
And I had an hour before I had to go pick up my baby. And then I saw it was 90 minutes. I'm like, oh, man, this is going to be tight. This is going to be a tight squeeze. But I turned it on. And after the hour, I was like, I want to pause this thing to take care of my responsibilities. But it was so gripping. I had to know what...
What happened? They have to know if they kill me at the end, the Nazis. Exactly. And you're here. Of course, they didn't kill you, but it was so gripping. Such an interesting story. I want you to tell, by the way, I just abandoned my responsibilities and I said I was going out for some cigarettes and I just finished watching your special. Tell everyone what it's about because it's a fascinating story. I guess it's a comedy special, but there's a story at the center of it. I went to this meeting of white nationalists in Queens and eventually I
about as long as the special is, somebody went, sorry, but this guy's a Jew. And I'm like, yeah, I'm a Jew. And so that's what the show is about. There's a resultant argument and they're not, you know, they weren't thrilled by the discovery. They weren't thrilled. They're like, what's your grandfather's name? And I'm like, Herschel, no, I'm just kidding. What's your favorite streaming service? I was like, ah,
about plus no it's i'm just kidding it's max obviously can and contractually uh but it was uh it was really it's it's really been thrilled by it they weren't uh uh and they weren't not thrilled no there was a conversation i think it did prove the point from earlier in the meeting where someone's like shoes are sneaky and they're everywhere and i was like well i mean the right it seems like the wrong time to argue with this gentleman
It is a fascinating story. It starts sort of with you tweeting something, which gains the attention of a certain section of... You know that website now? It's called x.com. I still call it Twitter. Yeah, x.com, where approximately 50% of the tweets are pussy and bio. Now, you tweeted something, right? And then what happened? And then I got into a little...
sort of argument rabbit hole around anti-semitism and I sort of found the it used to be that anti-semitism didn't run I mean I'm a pro-semite I'd like to say I'm more pro-semitic than the average bear but I have my moments I was uh
but yeah, it used to be that anti-Semitism didn't run like an open sewer through the street. It used to be, you had to go down one level or two levels and now it's just the do-re-goo. But, um, but yeah, I, I found all of these, this sort of corner of Twitter that was full of anti-Semites conversing with each other. And I made a list of these anti-Semites and then eventually one thing led to another, which is how all things go. But, um, one thing led to another and I saw a message that said, if,
If you have questions about your whiteness, come to X, Y, you know, this place at this time. And I was like, well, I'm an Ashkenazi Jew and I have questions about my whiteness and I'm free tomorrow at 915. So I went to this thing and sat there listening, which is rare for me. And, um,
And yeah, that was the impetus. And the whole story goes on and then it goes into your background and your family and a lot of... And, you know, unlike some one-person shows where you go and you're like...
I mean, it was funny for a one-person show. This is like a real comedy. It's like 90 minutes of packed jokes and everything. I've been working the show for like six years, even though I took some massive breaks, like some huge breaks, because I was celebrating a pandemic. Wait, were you? I was observing. I was observing the pandemic. So you're an observant Jew and a pandemic? Yeah, yeah. I'm a Covidian. I'm a devout Covidian.
I'm a branch comedian. Yeah. Yeah. Are you going for that? You got there before me, but I appreciate it. But, uh, but yeah, I, uh, Oh my God.
But I took some long breaks. But yeah, I've been working on the show for so long, so every little corner of it has been thoroughly turned over, and it changes a little bit every night. Sometimes it's five minutes longer than it was the night before, and sometimes it's a few minutes shorter. Why is it five minutes longer? Are you going slower, or you thought of a new thing to say? I thought of a new thing, and I have a one-in-one-out policy that was instituted by my nice director. Alex Timber, right?
Alex did the special. You did the special. Who directed the actual... A really lovely guy named Adam Brace who passed away. That's right. I saw that at the end of the special. What happened with this? You dedicated to him and you say that you made it together. Are you okay to talk about this? Sure. I mean, yeah. He was my best friend for 11 years and he lived in England. He ran this theater in London called the Soho Theater on Dean Street, which is a really amazing place. And it's where my work kind of started and
Um, and Adam and I worked on this show. This was our third show. And then Adam, I, I'm sorry for anyone listening for him. This is a bit heavy, but yeah, he had a stroke and, uh, and sadly, uh, passed away about, I think maybe three weeks before we started on Broadway. So Broadway was very, uh, right. But, you know, a lot of my, not again, not to be mawkish, but lots of my very nice, uh, friends, comedy friends and, and theater friends and, uh, college friends, uh,
uh, stepped in people who run for-profit colleges, uh, stepped in to sort of make sure that I didn't, uh,
you know, collapse all the time. And Alex Timbers, who is like, Timbers has done a lot of really crazy stuff. Like Timbers directed. He did Gutenberg recently. He did Gutenberg. He did all of Mulaney stuff. He did. Oh, hello. He did American utopia. He's like a, he understands theater and comedy really well. And that weird little intersection between them. He's really, really, really, really gifted. And so he was the only person who could sort of step in after Adam passed away. And he did an elevated it.
you know, to a much better place and made it Broadway appropriate and then filmed it. What was the one-in-one-out policy, though? Oh, the one-in-one-out policy is, you know, the funny thing is comedians are so trained to go for the jokes, like the Branch Comedian thing, and we're so trained to, like, chase the bouncing ball of a possible joke. But by the way, I think probably improvisers and sketch comics definitely have a better understanding of
of this, but sometimes the joke that you find is so not worth the momentum that you sapped through the scene or through the story. And so Adam would like to curtail my stand-up instinct sometimes and encourage me to think a little more narratively. So he'd be like, no tangents on a tangent. Stop adding jokes. The tags that you're putting on top of this are ruining your... He would call them barnacles. Yeah.
He was like, no barnacles. So if I riff something, it means I take out a little joke later on. Right. It means I cut out a... Part of the tangent that you're already on, maybe that you try to cut it down. Yeah. Yeah. The show has some bits that sometimes I'm not quite sure. I'm not quite sure of whether or not things could... Whether or not... I see on your bookshelf, Frank Sinatra has a cold, this great Gay Talese piece. And it's peppered with all these really great details about Sinatra. Like...
Sinatra, no one knew Sinatra had a wig and Gay Talese was like, here's the lady who carries his wigs. She gets paid $400 a week to carry his wigs. And sometimes I'm like, well, all these details give you a really good picture of Sinatra, but the store, like it's a balance between adding little details that add color and the story that you're trying to communicate as you move through a 90 minute thing while a guy is trying to look after his baby. So you have to be really, really cautious about,
Of all of the stuff that you're adding. Well, I was enraptured by it. I found myself and me approaching it as someone who...
you know, works in the narrative field sometimes. I could tell when you were like, oh, okay, this is a way to get into his material about his family or whatever. But I never felt like it was kind of like getting in the way of the story that you were telling. I was always like, oh, this is necessary information in order to enhance the story you were telling. That was Mike Birbiglia who produced the show in New York. He heard about it in 2020 and he was like, I'd like to have a look at it. So he put it up
And I invited everybody I'd ever met to this one show at the Lortel. And it was like a hometown show. Everyone was really nice. And then afterwards, it was like B minus. I was like, B minus, like the best show I've ever done. That was Birbiglia though. Birbiglia minus. Yeah, yeah. That means it's the best thing you can do. I think Birbiglia minus is like, wow, I could make such a mean joke by putting anyone's name in there. Like think of all of the comedians that you could think of that do stories or something. Birbiglia minus would be blank, but that's such a...
I'm definitely not going to say their name. Or, no, I'm not going to say their name. This is tempting for you, though. I know. It's so tempting. I'm letting the bouncing ball go into the street instead of chasing after it. But yeah, Birbiglia was like...
It needs to all belong every all the bits that you do. And I was like, well, that bit kills. And he's like, well, shut up. It doesn't belong. Like, take it out. Please, please trust me. Will you do another special where it's all the bits that you cut out of it that are just random bits and stuff? I mean, I'll probably write them down and look at them and see what they all have in common and try to do another thing. My next show is going to be by Israel and Palestine. So it's going to be. Yeah, your eyebrows just went up real. Yeah.
what a natural field for comedy, but natural minefield for comedy. But, um, but yeah, I think that'll probably be my next show. So I don't know how much stuff I have. Well, that's like ice cream is weird. You're, you're working on that now. I know you just closed. You did the final performances in LA just a few days ago, right? Yeah. Which was really, which is really crazy to, uh,
to do. But, um, I mean, it's the end of someone sat down and did the math the other day and we've done like 550 shows over. Wow. So that's a long time. I mean, you know, we've done 850 or so comedy bang bangs, but maybe someday we'll get there, but I thought you've done 850 with Paul F. Tompkins alone. Probably.
Every time I listen in, I'm like, oh, there's Paul Hopkins. Oh, it's Paul Hopkins. Is he a permanent guy? No, no, no, it's Paul Hopkins. Well, unfortunately, he's not here. He'll be here for wet day, though. He'll be here next week. No way. Yeah. Wet day is coming up. Are you going to celebrate? Yeah. Yeah. What are you doing for it? Oh, you know. Let me ask you this. How wet are you prepared to get on wet day?
The wettest. I'm constantly saying, I just wish I was wetter. Yeah, well, I mean, this is your opportunity. Wet day comes about once a year, my friend, April 10th. But, you know, we'll be celebrating it next week here on Comedy Bang Bang. Yeah, what are you going to do for it?
Well, you know, there's wet day traditions. We don't get too far into it on the episodes that aren't devoted to it, but there are wet day traditions. There's wet day carols, of course. Wet ass pussy, primarily amongst them. And, you know, we'll get into this next week. But I'm glad to hear you're on board and you're going to be celebrating. So, you know what? I've always, growing up, my dad was always like, hey, what are you doing for, you know, are you observing wet day? Are you going to go to synagogue for it? And so, no, usually...
Usually I just sort of observe at home, but it's nice. It's such a wonderful communal. It's such a wonderful communal event. Well, it's a time that everyone can be wet together. And I'm glad to hear it's crossing over into the religious sector as well. Oh, I've always thought it was a secular holiday. But really, I always thought it was very I always thought it was very important. It's, you know, wow.
By the way, you have a great section in your special about celebrating Christmas one particular year. Yeah, we had Christmas. That was making me LOL, I guess. It's my favorite part of the special. Is it really? Yeah, yeah. My family had Christmas for this lady who was not Jewish and didn't have anywhere to go. And...
because my mom said so, we had Christmas, even though my dad really didn't want it. He was very, very upset about it. He was, but he's sort of the hero of the story. He sort of comes back around and it's like a really nice... Yeah, it's a great ending to it. And by the way, not to be real life, but the woman who we had Christmas for, who I haven't seen since I was seven years old, came to see the show at the Kennedy Center two weeks ago. Oh, that's so nice. Really? And when I saw her, I was like...
I said, I hope you like that story. And she burst into tears. Oh my God. That's so sweet. Yeah. I was like, is it okay? And she's like, I love it. I remember you guys. Do you remember this? That. And as soon as she was telling me all the memories, they all sort of came, you know, that's great. I actually, that was a hanging thread. I wanted to ask you about whether, whether, uh, you, you know, you still kept in touch with her. So that's great to hear that she came to see the show. You know, we did, I did that story in this American life and, um, uh,
And my mom, her one thing was like, you have to change her name from Kate to Kelly. I was like, okay. So I changed her name. And then that woman reached out and got in touch with my mom. And my mom was like, it's Kate. Exactly. But my mom was like, oh, I wish I hadn't asked you to change. So in the special, it is indeed Kate. Did she think that maybe you didn't get her name right? I think she thought maybe the next year we had it for the exact same situation. We're just taking in troubled Christians. Yeah.
All with a K initial at the beginning of their name. Well, it's a great special. Again, I couldn't stop it. Had to see how it ended. Just for us. It's out on HBO this Saturday. We have to take a break, Alex, if that's all right. But we have a couple of great guests. We have a relationship expert. We have the producer of this new TV show, Rankings. Have you seen Rankings?
Oh, yeah. It's one of my favorite shows. I mean, I'm glad that they, you know, not a lot of people know that the WB is still is still a thing. Oh, yeah. And Werner J. Fry. But like, yeah, it's really it's fantastic show. I can't believe that he's here. Yeah. OK, well, I haven't seen it at all, but I'm glad to hear that Michigan J. Frog is somehow involved in this. But we need to take a break when we get back, when we get back.
We're going to have more Alex Edelman. We're going to have a relationship expert and a producer of the TV show Rankings, which apparently is on the WB. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.
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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang. Alex Edelman is here just for us. Comes out this Saturday on HBO. I would suggest watching it when it's on HBO proper, you know? I mean, there's nothing like just watching it live. Just fuck it, we'll do it live. Bill O'Reilly style. Mm-hmm.
You can have viewing parties and stuff like that, or have you seen it enough? I think there is going to be a viewing party at some point, but I don't know if I'm going to go. I think I've seen it. Although, here's the thing. I've never seen it. You've never seen it? What? You weren't there in the editing room? I was in the editing room, but I've only seen it in little bits, and whenever anyone's like,
uh watch it down it for confidence checks it was like i've seen it in chunks i want to see it live so bad yeah this guy in south africa wanted to option it to do as a play and it was like a thousand percent but i have to be able to i want to be able to come see it meaning he wanted to perform it oh that's so interesting once it went to broadway people started asking me all sorts of play questions like it was a real play and i was like i mean like it is play but like
But people were like, is there an intermission? I was like, no. And they're like, well, I guess it's getting published as a play somewhere. Oh, that's interesting. You know, the state did a play a long time ago. And my wife was in like a bunch of her friends just decided this is before we knew anyone in car. I guess maybe I was doing it at the time, but before we knew anyone, she, her and her friends decided to put up this play that they wrote as kind of a joke.
And like, it was so thrilling. A bunch of the members of this, Joe Latrullio was there in the odd. This is before I knew Joe and all that kind of stuff. It was like, they were just like, we wrote this play as kind of a joke thing, but then a bunch of just randos are doing it. That would be so interesting to have like random people doing your jokes. That would be why for some like South African guy to be like, I was born in Boston, you know, from a really racist part of Boston called Boston. I'd be like,
especially because he's doing it in a kiwi accent apparently but yeah i'm not quite sure yeah yeah i don't know that um well it's time to get to our next guest uh they're a relationship expert this is very exciting please welcome to the show misty civic hi scott thanks so much for having me it's our pleasure this is alex hi alex have you seen alex's show i haven't but i'm
Really excited to check it out. On HBO, you know, it's the home box office. It comes to you, to your home. Oh, so sexy. No box office required, although I guess you could set up one in your living room if you wanted, like have a ticket taker there or something like that. Oh, I love having extra people in my room. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's fun. Do you have roommates?
I do. I have a couple of roommates. I'm looking to get rid of them for a long-term thing, but right now it's nice to just have more people there. For like a long-term lease? You know, some sort of a relationship. I'd love to get into one. Oh, I see. You're trying to... Oh, wait, you're not in a relationship yourself? Oh, no, I'm not in one, but I am an expert. Oh, okay. Well, let's talk about relationships. Let's do it. Alex mentioned he used to be in a relationship with a Canadian-British person. What does that sound like to you?
Well, I guess first to Alex, I'd want to ask you, what was the spiciest thing you ever did in the bedroom? Well...
Are you comfortable with talking about this? I mean, sure. Like we did eat, we, we did have a fondness for jalapeno poppers. You went literal with that. I like it. No, no. I mean like they were poppers that smell that had us to stick with distinct poppers. The sex drug that had a distinct jalapeno. So you would use those to get high while you had sex? Yes, absolutely. Okay. Interesting. Wow. I don't even know if you need my help.
Well, listen, if you really want to spice it up, get a partner. Put them right in front of you. Take your little pinky finger and just trace the word porridge across the back of their neck. Just see what that does. But that's such a long word. Yeah, but isn't it sexy? Is that with one R or is that two? I think that's a two R. As a resident expert in the UK, I think it's two. It's a lot of, that's so much.
That's so much a word for... Why porridge? Tell me what you think of when you think of porridge. A thin gruel? I think of the... Maybe the musical Oliver? I'm getting hot just talking about it, you guys. You're getting hot talking about a thin gruel in the musical Oliver? I mean, sure. I guess so. Is this one of those things where your kinks are very abstract?
I don't know. We can keep talking about it and you can see what you think. So if I throw a thing at you, will you tell me if it's a kink or not? Yeah, I'm happy to play this game. Sure. Let's do it. The work of Mark Rothkow. Ooh, gosh, all that red kink. Okay. Okay, wow. So we're playing kink or no kink right now? I don't know. Do we have a theme song for this or? I'm not quite sure. I don't know.
I have no idea. All right, I got one for you, Alex. Yes. Whispering an obituary in someone's ear. I mean, whispering is sexy, but obituaries are sad unless it's someone who's really, really been awful. Someone said that they're a celebration of life, so it should get you a little more like, yes, we're alive. Let's do this. Yeah, I think that's actually right. I think it depends how good the obituary is. It depends how long the obituary is.
Like if it's a notable person who's died, I think halfway through Prince's obituary, you're just like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. I mean, he went into the studio almost every day. Yes. He made music every day, be it live in concert or in the studio. How can you keep track of something like this in one obituary? An extremely prolific person. So yeah, it depends how prolific and depends how sad and depends how bad the person is. So, yes.
Yes. I would say yes. Qualified yes, it sounds like. Yes. So these are the types of tips you give? Is tips like in the bedroom of how to spice things up? You know, I can give you tips on anything relationship related. So for instance, if you're looking to find someone, I've got a lot of that stuff too. For instance, say you're at a party and you just really want to figure out who in the room is sort of your vibe. Look down at your nipples and wherever they're pointing, that's the person for you. Oh, okay.
Interesting. What if they point in different directions? Yeah, mine are usually pointing towards the floor. Well, it doesn't mean you only have to have one partner. Oh, that's really... Oh, okay, okay. Can I ask you a question that's a tiny bit rude? Yeah. What's... Not why aren't you in a relationship, but...
A relationship doesn't necessarily make someone feel whole. It would make me feel whole. It would, though. Okay, I see. And have you been in relationships before? Yeah, a little bit.
How little is a little bit? They haven't lasted a super long time, but I'm just trying to sort of take my own advice and go from there. You know what I mean? What's your longest relationship like this? A couple weeks. A couple weeks? That's not... How old are you? Do you mind me asking? I'm 38. And how much do you weigh? I weigh 180. Whoa. Oh, my God. A hundred and what now? 195 pounds. 195? So just five short of two bucks? Yeah. 195. But slightly less on a wet day. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Don't weigh yourself on wet day, man. The scales are going to be so out of whack. No, the jello will definitely add a couple pounds. So only a couple of weeks for a... I mean, it doesn't sound like...
You have enough experience to really be a qualified expert on this topic. Oh, I mean, my theories have worked for a lot of people, so I'm not worried about that at all. Well, do you think that theories are different depending on who applies them? Do you have a bespoke theory or do you have more universal principles that you broadly apply across the spectrum? I think if you're really specific, then it's universal. You know what I mean? Hmm.
I guess, yeah, I mean, that applies to comedy as well as, you know. I suppose. I'm just wondering, what are you looking for in a relationship? Honestly, just a warm body. Okay, so you have very low standards. Yeah, low standards. And it's got to be warm? Like, how warm are we talking? Room temperature or body temperature? Just enough to prove that you're alive. Okay, yeah. Okay, what happened in your last relationship that broke it up? Um...
Gosh, I mean, we had a really tough time with a situation at the beach. A situation? A situation at the beach? What, like D-Day? That's a bad situation at a beach. Probably the worst thing to ever happen on a beach, I'll tell you that much. There's a DiCaprio Madonna movie you should see. Oh, that's true.
Yeah, I mean, look, I just, I think sometimes, you know, I get a little too emotionally attached too quickly. And so I try to let my advice be a little more, I don't know, based on just hot, sexy things. You know what I mean? Yeah. Are you generally good in the bedroom? Wait, let me ask you this. Have you ever had sex? You know, Scott...
Gosh, I've had sex with... This is for all of my guests, by the way. This is a new question for 2024. Alex, have you ever had sex? I mean, once. Good. All right, good for you. I mean... All right, so have you had, I guess as they say, done the deed? I've had sex with the idea of having sex. You know what I mean? Okay, so you haven't had sex. Oh my gosh. Not personally. Not personally, yeah. Wait, why would you style yourself as an expert? It must only bring you pain.
Have you ever looked at the biographies of a lot of these experts? I'm not into reading obituaries, biographies about experts. I thought you were into reading obituaries. I mean, it's not something I do for fun. I do it for work. Oh, can't get them on the show. I book the show by crossing people off the list. So, Alex, I want to know one more thing. Okay, but I'm starting to doubt your bona fides.
Well, what is it that you're looking for? What do you feel like you're missing in your relationships these days? It'd be nice to date a virgin who... A virgin? A virgin who's really into the idea of having...
idea of having sex and only wants a warm body so do you know anyone like that you have pretty low standards too yeah no what am i looking for in a relationship i'm other than the virgin yeah i'm joking that's a little harder i was really really i was pointing at i was i was uh talking specifically about the relationship oh i understand yes that was the that was the the the causal that was the point of the bit um but yeah are you i mean look uh what am i looking for are you i
I could hook you guys up. And honestly, like if you go out tonight and you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. Oh, that's fantastic. Comedy. Bang, bang, uh, boy in and out on comedy. Bang, bang. They, the burger place, not there. You ever get those in and out, uh, stickers that say in and out burger. And then you take off the B and the R and you're like in and out urge. Ha ha ha ha ha.
No, never until... Not until tonight. Tonight, yeah. Right before your show? Right before my show. I honestly... What am I looking for in a relationship? It'd be nice to sort of...
I have a bunch of things that I'd like. I'd like a kind, weirdo genius. Supermodel? No, not a supermodel. It would be nice if I found them very attractive. But I just want someone who is nice and extremely strange and also very smart and capable. And sometimes those things clash with each other. Good with money?
Don't go into stereotypes with me, you goddamn you. Hold on. Yeah, wow. It's like I'm back in the meeting already. Come on. I didn't mean it that way. Oh, good with money. Why? Because I'm Jewish? That's not coded language. It'd be nice if they were Jewish. That'd be nice. That's not what I was getting at. I think it was. I mean, Jacques Hughes. But would it be the worst thing? Would it be the worst thing? Listen to him. And this is the guy who hung out with Obama. God, it's like being in a room with Bill Ayers. I can't believe this.
What I meant is, you know, someone that you won't marry and have bad credit like you see on Love is Blind all the time. I don't really care about their credit rating. You don't care about a credit rating until suddenly you're dragged down by it. What is this? What is this? An ad for Credit Karma on your podcast? By the way, we are. Yeah, we are. We have a new sponsor, Credit Karma.
If you want good credit or bad credit, I'm not sure what Credit Karma does. They may give you worse credit. They may give you better credit. I don't know. Whatever it is, but sign up at CreditKarma.com.
But yeah, if you guys are into each other, I mean, maybe we could hook something up here. Well, actually, Alex, look down at your nipples. Oh, yeah. You tell me where those are pointing. I mean, they are. One's at me. One's directly at Scott right now. One's pointing at Scott Aukerman. The other's pointing at the illustration of Conan O'Brien on the table. But I mean, if I turn this way, it's pointing at you. Scott, what do you think? Have you ever thought about dabbling in that? Now his other one is no longer pointing at me. So I don't think that I'm involved in this anymore.
I think there might be something here. I'm feeling some hot sparks going on. I don't know that I feel hot sparks as much as you're desperate. And it sounds like, Alex, you have issues in relationships. I don't know. I'm very easy to be in a relationship with. In what way? I'm extremely like...
I don't, uh, all the fight has gone out of me. You just let people just roll right over you. A thousand percent. It is the easiest way to live. I have absolutely, um, someone's, I have, I don't argue about small things and even big things. I'll be like, okay. And the medium stuff. Why? Sure. Which is how I wind up in a meeting of white nationals and Queens. Listen, if you really care that much about Louis Farrakhan, I will do whatever you want.
What about politics? Do you guys agree on that? Do you need Alex to agree on that? What are your politics? I don't need people to agree on politics. I try to stay pretty much out of it as much as possible. You don't know anything about politics? Who's the president right now? I'm looking at Obama behind your head, you know?
The ghost of Obama, by the way, has died recently because his ghost is haunting the studio. Which is also one of the really hot things during the bed round. Just tell someone that you're a ghost. Interesting. Yeah. Can you say a sexy boo? You say interesting a lot. Do I really? That's how interesting. Interesting. Can you say a sexy boo for us? Boo.
Wait. It's halfway to like a boop boopie doop. Why was that so infantile, that boo? Boo. Okay, well that sounds more lumberjack-y. Yeah, it actually sounded like the final kind of expiration of a dying cancer patient or something. What's your spookiest boo, Scott? My spookiest boo? Yeah, your spookiest boo. I don't know why we've crossed over into spookiest boo now. All right, here we go. Boo! Boo!
If you heard that coming from your bedroom at night, you know, and you were alone, it would freak you out, right? I think it'd be pretty scary if you heard any boo come from your room and you thought you were alone. Okay. So what's your point? I'm not quite sure. That your boo's fine? My boo's just as spooky and sexy as yours is, Scott. Okay. I wasn't judging it on a spookiness level.
Okay, so are you guys going to get together or what? We need to wrap up this segment. Sure. Come on, have sex! I'll see you at In-N-Out at 917 Sharp. All right, I'll tell you what I want to do. I want to wrap you up in saran wrap. Oh, boy. Until you can't feel a goddamn thing. Okay, that does not sound good. She wants to asphyxiate you? No, just your chest, not your face. Just your chest. And then I want to tickle those nipples. And you won't be able to feel it. I think you have a nipple fetish.
And that's what's standing in your way? Like, what kind of nipples do you like? You like silver dollars? Why is this happening? You had to end the segment. I know, but I'm sensing now that you're a nipple person.
I'm learning stuff about myself every day, Scott. It's possible. All right. Well, we'll audition some nipples for you during the break. We'll trot out Alex's. We'll see which way these things are pointing. We have to take a break, though. When we come back, we have the producer. Now, Misty, have you seen this show? Have you seen Rankings? Yeah, I've seen it. Oh, it's fantastic. I haven't seen it. I don't know what it is. It's one of the hottest shows. It's a hot show? Okay, all right. Well, we have the producer of Rankings is here.
We're going to have more from Misty Civic, the relationship... I don't even think I want to call you a relationship expert anymore, but you're a person. And also another person, Alex Edelman. We're going to have more with all of these people. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade.
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Comedy Bang Bang, we have Alex Edelman here. Just for Us is the special out on HBO this Saturday and also on Max, I would imagine, Sunday, right? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. You can watch it over and over again. Look, I laughed twice at one of the jokes in your special that you just said. You could watch it three times and laugh three times at every single joke. Gosh, I sure do hope so. Triple the jokes.
Put on three TVs and watch it simultaneously, and I bet you laugh three times as much. I hope that's true. Jokes are always so much funnier the third time you hear them. Yeah, I think so. We also have Misty Civic, who is a person... Relationship aficionado. Yeah, aficionado is a great way to describe her. You're someone... I mean, you appreciate relationships, right? I do. Yeah, I do. Scott, can I be honest with you? Yeah, please. Were you lying your entire segment? Yeah, I...
Yeah. No. What's going on? Just looking for someone. I'm just really looking for someone. Oh, that was clear. Yeah.
Oh, you got that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, that was good. No, I know you're not a relationship expert. Did you come on the show thinking if you pretended to be a relationship expert, you would like pick up dudes or something? You know, they say fake it till you make it, Scott. And so I was just trying to sort of be the thing that I thought would help me in my own life. Yeah, dress for the job you want. Exactly. Yeah. And you see me. I've never been in a tighter dress in my life. I know. Yeah. You're 195 pounds. Yeah. I'm just...
Just fucking strapped so tight in this bitch, you know? Look, I'm off the market, so I have no opinion on what you look like. Yeah, I'm not interested in you, Scott. I'm not at all. Shit. He's got a nice gender neutral baby. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're not interested in me? No. Like, you should be so fucking lucky. No, you're not my type. You're not my type. It's nothing against you. We really don't know your type. What's your type? You said a warm body. Exactly. I can just tell he's not my type.
Fuck you. Scott, I'm sorry. Please don't take it personally. Please. How can you not take it personally? I don't like you as a person or find you attractive as a person. You're just layering it on right now. You know I already failed here, right? I already failed. I tried to be something. Yeah, you're a failure. I tried to be this expert. And to hear that you don't find me attractive? Not at all. Not even at all. Either of you two would be lucky to be in a relationship with me.
You'd have the best one of your lives. I'll tell you that much. High bar for both of us. I'd be so much better than that Canadian British person. Excuse me. She's a delight. I'm sure she's great, but I'd be, I'd be better.
Well, we'll see about that, won't we? Actually, we won't. What do you mean we'll see about that? I said that totally seriously as if you and I are going to start. We're not going to hook up after the show. I don't think so. But if you wanted to, I would be very flattered. And same to you, Misty Civic. Even though I've already said that I don't want to, you'd still be interested? No, I would not be interested, but I would be flattered is what I'm trying to say. But you wouldn't do it, but you'd be flattered. I would say, you know what? The old boy still got it.
But apparently I lost it because you're not interested. I mean, I guess I could be. I'm lost. I'm lost, Scott. Okay, I'm not trying to broker this or hook it up. I'm just trying to say, should you be interested, I would be flattered.
And I would do it. And I would do it. No, we wouldn't do it. I want to make that clear. That's right. I said I wouldn't do it. Yeah. No, no, no. I want you to do it. Yeah, I said I wouldn't do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I already said I didn't want to do it. Alex, can you mediate this, please? I'm so far out of where we are right now. Just completely. I'm trying to hook you guys up, by the way. Oh, yeah. You're doing a great job. Leave me out of this. You're doing a great job here. Alex, you can do better. I know.
I think we all could do better. I'm so tempted to take your hand and be like, it's going to be okay. Maybe you can give me some advice. Oh, that's okay. What I would do is I would not do the saran wrap thing. Don't do the porridge thing. All right, let me tell you something. I have been reading all of this from Cosmo.
Every single thing that I have suggested. Those articles were pretty regressive. Wait, wait. Is it Cosmopolitan or is this Cosmo Kramer? Cosmopolitan. Oh, okay. The magazine. I don't know if Kramer started a magazine. Oh, my God.
- It sounds like one of the things he would do. He made that coffee table book. - You're gonna find what you're looking for. You know why? - Why? - Statistics, you're absolutely going to. - Statistics are not on my side. - There's someone out there for everyone. - 38 year old woman, you're in the prime of your life biologically. - Don Lemon wouldn't agree with that, but you know. - Oh, that's right. Well, listen. - Put that mic up by your mouth, Alex. - Okay, so don't, I wouldn't go for Don Lemon,
But, you know, I think you're going to go for Don Lemon. Don't go for Don Lemon. But other than that, there are plenty of fishies out there for you to. You'll get someone, even if it's not Alex. Maybe it'll be our next guest. Oh, OK. Yeah, I, you know, I'm going to ask the same question of our next guest, you know, Alex.
what his age is, how much he weighs. But it's time to get to him. He is the producer of a TV show called Rankings. Please welcome for the first time on the show, Roger Matthews. Hi, Scott. Thanks for having me. Hi, my pleasure. This is Alex. This is Misty Civic. Yeah, I've enjoyed the show so far. It's been a lot of fun. Thanks for coming in. It's great to meet you. First of all, how old are you and how much do you weigh? No.
Well, I'm 55 and I weigh 175 pounds. Oh, a little less than Missy over here. Okay. Just pointing it out.
Yeah, I'm not used to being with performers. But yeah, I just produced a show called Rankings. And I'm glad to hear you guys have seen it. We've only been on the air for a couple of weeks. I haven't even heard of it. It's on the WB, which is now streaming on Showtime, which is now on Paramount Plus until it's part of HBO. Okay, cool. So you go to Paramount Plus, which leads you over to Showtime. No, you have to go to...
You have to enter through Showtime, and it'll take you to Paramount+, and then you go to the WB, which is soon to be on HBO, which is part of HBO Max, if you have HBO. If you have HBO. If you don't have HBO, then you...
I guess you're out of luck. No, no. Then you can go on Roku and go to Pluto TV on Roku and sling it on over to Peacock, unless you have Apple. Then you can go just immediately...
to the Amazon search. So go through Apple to Amazon, then search for... Well, not Amazon Prime. Just Amazon where you buy products. You enter shoes and socks. Oh, okay. Boys. Okay, I don't know that I want to enter these particular search items. You asked how to get into it if you don't have show time. Okay, I'm saying I'm not going to watch your show now. I'm not going to be entering where do I buy little boys socks.
Okay. Into Amazon or anything. You don't know where? It's not like you have... Aren't you a parent? Okay, but I don't have a little boy. All right? It's a non-binary child. They have different socks for girls? I don't know. I think so. Because they're pink and shit. I have no idea. That is extremely gendered of you. All I do is I go in the store and I go into the section. You learn nothing from Barbie? There was this great monologue in Barbie. Did you see this thing?
Not yet. Can you do it, Scott? Can you do it? Yeah. I mean, I don't, I don't remember like the exact wording. I'm just going to paraphrase, but it's like, man, it's so tough being a woman. Cause it's like, people just are like mean to you and shit. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's great, man. You got to see Barbie Alex.
Yeah. I know you've been busy doing your show off Broadway or no, I'm sorry, on Broadway. I don't mean to say nice things about it. Yeah, you got to see it. On our show rankings, Barbie ranked as one of the top 10 Oscar movies of the year. Oh, wow. You know, it did on the Oscars too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird when it syncs up.
It's a real fun show. What was number one? What's that? What was number one? What got ranked as number one? Zone of Interest. Oh, really? Interesting. Because the number one turned out to be Oppenheimer for... I'm sorry. Sorry, what?
Is there an animal in the studio? I'm sorry. I didn't know if you heard that. That's my stomach growling a little bit. Your stomach growls exactly like a Bengal tiger. Excuse me? Excuse me? The stomach is so loud. What did you say, Alex? It sounds exactly like a Bengal tiger. Are you roasting me? I mean...
Is this the Comedy Central roast of Roger Matthews? I mean... Wow. And it sounds like he's angry. Well, I bet your stomach sounds like Liza Minnelli passing out in a bathroom. Wow. So...
Okay. There. Can we just get on with this? I'm here to plug my show. You're here to plug your show, but I just want to point out because that was the loudest stomach growl I think I've ever seen. It sounds like a wild ant. There. You're starting again. It sounds like I'm watching John Travolta in Wild Hogs or something. Excuse me.
Excuse me? Did they have wild hogs in that movie? It was talking about motorcycles. How about be a host and say, would you like something to eat? I don't have things to eat. People come on the show having ate, having eaten, having had eats. I didn't know I was going on in the third act.
I thought it was going to be able to have. I'm mortified about this. It sounds like the thing that your stomach wants is a wildebeest. Do you want some cottage cheese?
No. Wait, now you're picky about what you're going to eat? I don't like cottage cheese. I don't either. It looks like spoiled milk. How about porridge? I have cottage cheese and porridge in my knapsack if you want. Porridge is going to make me think of after your conversation. It's going to make you think of cum. Oh, my gosh. That's why I like it.
Do you have some steak? Some steak? Raw steak. I didn't say raw steak. You want me to cook you a steak? That is so weird to say raw steak. If I ordered a hamburger at a restaurant, would it be a raw hamburger? No, a hamburger. I'm not going to cook you anything, dude. I didn't ask you to. I thought you might have some leftover. Some pre-cooked steak? Yes. I don't.
I don't have that kind of like leftovers in my- Can I have some Ikura? What is Ikura? I don't even know what Ikura is. If it needs to be raw. I have a Ziploc baggie of hot dogs. That is so gross. I just asked for Ikura. You're going to offer- Yeah, but your stomach sounds like Tony the Tiger. Hot dog?
Not saying it's great or any of the English. Not any of the English words. And he says roar. He doesn't even growl. Really? Yeah, Alex, come on, man. It sounds like other fiction, like Shere Khan from the Jungle Book. Okay, but he also speaks in English when you watch the Jungle Book. Fine, how about Tigger? You guys have no empathy. None of these tigers growl. They all joke around. I'm empathetic, but honestly, like...
This is getting in the way of your interview. I want to talk to you about this. Ignore it. Don't you ignore it usually? No, I can't. It's so fucking loud. When you're getting a haircut and your hairstylist, their tummy growls, don't you ignore it? But that's only because they're right behind me and my ear is next to their stomach.
You're like 20 feet away from me right now when I can hear this. Let's try ignoring it. Anyway, my show rankings is a lot of fun. On the first episode, we ranked cities that are great for surfing throughout the United States. What's number one on the list? I can't...
This is... Dude, I cannot have this conversation with you. Give me something to eat. Do you have duck? Do I have duck? Yes. Like duck larange or something? No, pate. Something simple. I don't... Look, it sounds like you have very fancy taste. I don't have any more consistency than a porridge or an oatmeal. I do have some spam. Okay, it sounds like you just... What is up with this redneck? I know, she likes low-class foods. I don't know.
I mean, her standards of like men is so... Guys, that's my future girlfriend you're talking about. Do you have gazpacho? Gazpacho? Hot. Hot? Gazpacho is cold. By definition, it's a cold soup. It's like revenge. Can't serve it hot. Yeah. You wouldn't say like, oh, can I have some cold revenge?
It's the same thing as hot gazpacho. Who am I ordering revenge from? I don't know. Who was in that movie Revenge? Like if you go buy a ticket to that movie Revenge. Yes, thank you.
What is going on? It's an inheritance. Inheritance. Can you at least put your stomach away? Can you angle your body so your stomach is like away from the mic or something? I'm now realizing it's not upset about hunger as much as what you're saying. Your stomach is upset at my interviewing style? Yes. No.
Interview in a more empathetic, calm manner. Okay. Have you ever tried empathy? Look, some say I'm a sociopath. I don't know, but let me try. Let me see what I can do. First of all, I have to shout over it. Is that okay? I can't do that calmly. All right, look, Roger. I empathize with you being a producer of a show. I really want to know everything about the show. Was Malibu number one?
of surfing cities or now this sounds like it's in slow motion sounds like it's giving birth okay i think it is calming down this is calming down yes it's not growling and angry okay sounds like it's actually do i hear crickets too i think there are crickets in there as well did you eat a cricket earlier that is absurd
As if your stomach can't make more sounds than one at the same time. I mean, it literally can't. It literally can't. No, it can't. It comes in and out the same way. It's like insane. What's going on? Please. You saw the African Savannah? Oh, there we go.
Okay, now I hear galloping. Very clearly an elephant moving through the high grass. What is up with... I didn't know I was going to get roasted on this show that no matter what move I make, I'm going to be, oh, you're like some disgusting thing. It's not disgusting to be an animal in the high grass. It's disgusting that you're... I don't like the high grass implications.
You don't get high? Roger Matthews doesn't get high? What the fuck was that? What the fuck is that? Give me something to eat anyway. Let's get him something to eat. I have some pork rinds. Could we give him a baggie of pork rinds? Can you just give a complete rundown of what you have in your bag? Stop doling them out one at a time. Give us everything.
All right, I have a big bag of yeast, but I haven't made any bread out of it yet. Okay, so just raw yeast? Yeah, just a bag of raw yeast. I've got a thing of vegetables. Can you talk louder? Sorry. Yeah, I've got a big baggie of vegetables, but they've been in there for a while. Okay, old vegetables. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Okay, why do you still have them if you wouldn't even recommend it?
Do you know how much energy it takes to go through a bag? I just threw them out. A purse? A bag?
Is any of this calling out to the stampede in your lower intestinal tract? It is calming me down a little bit. No, it doesn't sound like it is at all. Do you want some kefir? Some what, burger? Kefir. Kefir? Kefir. Yogurt? Yeah, kefir yogurt. Do you have any of that yogurt that makes you poop? Maybe if you pooped. Have you tried pooping? Do you mind? If you pooped, Bagheera would come out.
I didn't think it was that kind of show, but do you mind? I guess if you were to poop right here, maybe like a whole stampede would come out and then they'd be gone or something. Do you mind if I take a shit on your show? Go ahead. It's not the worst thing to ever happen on this show. Go ahead. Do you mind if I pull down my pants? No, just go. You have consent. Consent. Consent. I feel very rude right now. It's okay. We'll watch you. Do you mind us watching you? Okay.
Can I have a napkin to put over my penis? Oh, dang. Here you go. I don't have a full dining set here with steak and napkins. I have a tissue. Here's a tissue. Okay. Can you wet it a little so I can attach it to my penis? All right. Let me just lick it. No, it's not Wednesday until next week. I'm sorry. I thought you wanted me to lick your penis. Wow, Scott. Excuse me.
Okay, look. And you're raising a non-binary child in L.A. This is not... Enough with this. We're running out of time. Roger, we can't talk about your show, okay? But you want people to watch it. Yeah.
Just watch Roku on Peacock, and it'll kick you on over to the new Showtime that's on Paramount. All right. All right, Roger Matthews, we are running out of time, everyone. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. Oh, hey, nice and short. Thank you. God, that was so short. That was like eight seconds. Thank you so much. That was Chugga Plug by Barnacle Joe.
Thank you for stepping away from the mic, by the way. I appreciate that during the plugs theme. Well, I'm shitting. Oh, you're shitting now. Okay. Sorry. How's it going over there? Pretty good. It's a long one. Okay. Oh, long in terms of, uh, amount of time spent on it or. Oh, no, Scott. Short that way. Okay. All right. Long like a tapeworm. All right. Well, uh, uh, sorry to make you plug while this is happening, Alex, but, uh, what do you want to plug here? Obviously the special just for us is out this Saturday. Special. Yes. For us is out this Saturday. Um,
gonna go on the road and do some new material in places like Providence or Bloomington and then Netflix's Drug Festival May 11th. And also, if you haven't seen Band of Brothers in a while, it's pretty good. All right. Band of Brothers with David Schwimmer as that...
Asshole drill sergeant. Tom Hardy's on it, too. Really? Yeah. Venom himself? Venom himself, as is, I think, Tom Hiddleston or Michael Fassbender. Fassbender's on it. Ah, the Fassbender. Love it. And you say May 11th is your Netflix? May 11th is my Netflix joke show. You got a Saturday slot. I got the Wednesday. I'm excited. At the Wilshire E. Bill Theater. Oh, very good. E. Bill Wilshire.
Misty Civic, what do you want to plug here? It's just Cosmopolitan Magazine. It's just, I feel like it can give people a lot of help if they need it. I feel like it's steering you wrong. Are they still on newsstands and everything? Yeah. Or have they moved entirely online? Wherever you get your magazines. And then there's actually a podcast, season three of a podcast called The Novelizers coming out. And that's a pretty good one.
Okay, the novelizers. All right. Well, we'll look out for that. Yeah. Should we bother with seasons one and two or? Nah, just start with three. Just start with three whenever that comes out? It focuses on the movie The Matrix. So if you ever heard of that one, it might be kind of a fun lesson for you. I do believe I read something for this. Hmm.
I think you did, actually. I think I did. I think you did. All right. Didn't realize that you were a fan, but wonderful that I'm reaching audiences like yourself. Yeah, exactly. All right. And Roger Matthews, what do you want to plug here? Well, I'd like to plug Improv for Humans. I forgot that's the easiest way to find my show. You don't have to go through all the other platforms. You don't have to look up Boy Socks.
So you just go right to the podcast Improv4Humans? Improv4Humans.com or Improv4Humans on any platform. It'll take you right to my show. Oh, wow. Okay, so rankings can be seen on that. And Improv4Humans obviously has been a show for a long time now. I want to plug, hey, look, Netflix is a joke festival. We got ours coming up on May...
What was it? May something. May 8th, probably. Oh, yeah. That's the Wednesday. I believe it's sold out, but we'll have some
more news about the tour on Monday, so I want everyone to tune in on Monday and hear what our plans are. But before then, head over to cbbworld.com and you can get a lot of shows like the entire archive of this show, as well as ad-free episodes of this show, as well as shows like CBB Presents, which has...
like Valimony Tony, Zalimony Shoney. I may be saying some of those words in the wrong order. We have Hey Randy with Randy Snuts. We have Bill Walton Show. God, it's getting louder, isn't it? We have Bill Walton Show. We have this book changed my life. I see some gum underneath the table. Oh, you're going to try to eat the gum? Might as well. You've already taken your shit and it didn't work? Oh, it came out.
Well, I mean, no, it didn't work to quell your stomach. But head over to cbbworld.com and you can get all of that stuff. And if you subscribe for a year, you get two months free. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. The bar is all but gone. We left and we are and we don't have a left. The bar is all but gone. Don't let me open up the door. But that's not the bar because we know it's gone.
All right. Nice and short, too. I appreciate that. And, you know, honestly, your stomach kind of was additive to the remix. Better than, yeah. What? What did you say? All right. That was We're Gonna Plug by Brain Worms. Thanks to Brain Worms. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and you can be famous for a week in Brain Worms and Barnacle Joe. Thanks to you guys. Guys,
We're going to wrap up the show. Alex, a pleasure to meet you. Thanks for having me. I really enjoyed your special, and now I want to see your next one. Can you get it done by next week or so? May 11th, hopefully. God, about Israel and Palestine, it's going to be. All right, wonderful. And Misty Civic, apologies that it doesn't sound to me like Alex is going to take you up on this. Maybe. No, Misty, come on. No.
It's fine. You don't have to pretend. It's all good. I just got to figure out a new way to fake it till I make it. You know what though? We didn't ask Roger Matthews. I just asked him his age and weight. Roger, are you single by any chance? No.
Are you saying how could someone sleep with me at night? No. Roger. No. That's what you're saying. I'm just saying like. You could have ended the show. You knew. You're a guy. You're a guy who just took a shit in the middle of a room. I asked. And her standards. See, I knew this was going to. I knew you were going to hold this against me. And her standards are she just wants a warm body. I think you guys could be a match. I'm really not interested. Wait, so out of everyone here.
I'm just not interested. No, she wasn't interested in you either. How are you comparing me to the guy who just shit in the middle of the floor? I got someone on the chair. Okay, that's not a good thing. You're bragging about that. That's a mistake. It'd be weird if it was to the side of the floor. It's exactly in the middle. Okay, all right. Do you have any funny sound effects for us to take us out? I don't have any sound effects. What about you? You're the DJ. I don't have any sound effects, but I just like...
You know, I don't know. You got anything fun? You're still going to make a fun noise to kind of end the episode on, baby? Oh, now you want me to say something. Oh, my God. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Yep. That's who you think it is.
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