Adam Cayton-Holland, Jon Gabrus, Erin Keif, Greg Hess
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An eye for an eye makes the world blind, but my eye on a thigh means I'm at KFC. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Okay, could barely even get through it. Thank you to Bathsheba. Bathsheba for that catchphrase submission. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, indeed, for another edition. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have an incredible show coming up a little later. We have an author. We also have a business person. A businessman, actually. Didn't want to say it, but he is a businessman. But before we get to them, wait.

Waste not, want not. Let's just get to it. Why are we leaving time on the table when we have a powerhouse guest here? Stars are back. That's right. On Comedy Bang Bang and none brighter than this one. He is a stand up comedian who had that TV show that I cannot recall the title of. This is correct. Can't.

Those who can't. Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you, Gino. You're not supposed to be talking to me. Oh, sorry. Sound speeds. Yeah. You ready to rip? You haven't recorded? No, I'm recording. Oh, okay. Good. Because I don't know what I have. I have like a Fisher-Price laptop here. By the way, ever since I've been doing this at home...

You've been nowhere to be found. I can't find this fucking place. You live in the fucking mountains, bro. Get back to the fucking guy from Those Who Can't. Enough about me. Okay, all right, Gino. Sound speeds whenever you're ready. Try to keep a little bit quiet because we have a big star here on the show. You got it? Whenever you're ready, Scott, and go. Okay. Five, four, three. Why do you say action and go? Go, action. Okay.

He had a show called Those Who Can't, and that was on for, I'm going to have to guess, three years. Right, for 19 seasons. 19 seasons! Yeah. I was way off. Record at the time. Yeah, well, sure, now shows run anywhere from 20, 25. Cheers blew us out of the water. The Simpsons blew us out of the water. But it started in, yeah, 1979 and ran to...

What's that plus 19? That would be 98. 98, the year I graduated high school. We had a great run and just really proud of that. So you were doing it for 19 years while you were just a toddler. In the womb. In the womb, actually. Through high school. So did it start at conception? It started at my- Does life start at conception? No. I always wanted to ask you that. Nope. And I'm glad you came on.

There's some stem cells I'd like to get sponsoring the pod, if that's cool. But he has a wonderful new special out called Wallpaper. It's on YouTube. Please welcome back to the show. I'm going to say this is your fifth appearance, maybe. Adam Caden Holland. I am so happy to be back. Thanks for having me. I'm going to look this up while you talk. How many appearances you've made. Well, I started appearing in 1979 in the womb. I was working on Those Who Can at the time, but I wanted to branch out because I was getting swallowed by the project.

I love how long you're willing to take this beat and this bit while I take a beat. You do the bit, I'll take a beat.

This is your fifth appearance. How did I get that right? You nailed that. I didn't remember either. Five time. What do you get in the five time club? Yeah. I mean, look, most people want to be in the one timers club because those are people like Donald Glover and Ben Stiller who are so big they never came back. Sure. But you're in the five timers club, which is like, you're not doing that great. Is there a hat, T-shirt, anything? I'll give you a hat. I'd love a hat. I mean, it's not a branded hat of the five timers club or comedy. A general hat. Just a hat I don't want anymore, if you want. A Virginia Slims hat. Yeah.

Virginia Slim's great brand. The lady cigarette. Isn't it? It's good brandy. Like they should branch out now that cigarettes, no one really smokes them anymore. They should do other things. Like Virginia Slim's vapes? Yeah. Or like pants. Capri pants. Oh my God. A pair of Virginia Slim's that you only wear on the Chesapeake.

Peak Bay. That's right. And the legs look like cigarettes. They have like the filter down at the bottom and all that kind of stuff. And here's a weird sort of side, but like a little cigarette tail in the back. That's right. I don't know what that means. Like a little actual cigarette hanging off the back of the pant. Oh, I see. Like a little tail. I thought that, I'm not a smoker, I thought cigarettes had tails.

And I was like, wait, this is a new part of smoking that I haven't heard about. You didn't know about the cigarette tail? That's the best part. I thought maybe you meant the trail of smoke. No, you smoke the cigarette down and you eat the tail. It's the whole thing. It's the ritual of it that I miss. Oh, Adam, it's great to have you on the show. Welcome back. You're in town for just a brief, I mean, life. It's like a scented candle out, out brief candle spots.

you know the immortal bard all this kind of stuff but you're here what is going on gino i'm sorry yeah i'm just i'm the levels are off i'm trying to get the laughs up but i can't do much about it the loops the lofts yeah sorry whatever you want to call it they're plenty of laughs oh yeah i'm hearing that yeah okay got it so all right we'll just take it from virginia slims whenever you

ready you got them you got the last now because i was killing no you are i have no issues with yours okay yours on fire there's something going on with scotty it's like uh turn down the rambly a little bit and turn up the loves turn up the loves and turn down the ramble okay yeah anyway virginia slim yes uh speaking of which uh your your special is smoking thank you

What was your favorite bit, Scott? My favorite bit? Yeah. I love the first one and the last one. Oh, sure. By the way, anytime there's a musician who says, like, how'd you like my album? What was your favorite song? First one and the last one.

The way you tied it back, the connective thread. Now, that's called a callback, Adam? How did you do that? How did you know to do that? What are the names of the bits? Because this is what I like. Because when I have stand-up comedians on, and yes, stars are back, and sometimes they're stand-up comedians who have specials, there's really nothing to talk about. No, there's nothing at all. You know what I mean? The last bit on the album is called Toxic Masculinity Podcast Circle Jerk, and it's about the comedy bang-bangs of the world.

Oh, okay. Thank you so much. My ears are burning. Yeah. So we sort of break down my favorite episodes, my least favorite episodes for 13 minutes of my closing bit. Interesting. Thank you so much. Specifically about comedy. Always nice to be part of the conversation. People loved it. They were doing flips for it. But why? Look, this is the only question I ask when a standup's on and they have a special. Why is it called Wallpaper?

You can probably relate. It's about fatherhood, and it's about when you become a dad, you drift into the background of your family, and you become wallpaper. Nope, I'm top of the call sheet. Okay, well. My family. I was number one when we started. My wife took number two on the call sheet, and now this season, this season, I've been moved to fourth. And my parking spot changed. I got less lines. It sucks. I have a different crafty. Oh, I'm so sorry. I know. It's lesser, and it's alone. Do you have to go into the communal bathroom now? Oh, God.

We film in a house much like my house and snacks are set aside in the living room for just me. How old are your, do you have one child or two? Two feisty boys, all American feisty boys, age five and two. All Americans. Rough house. Yeah. One's,

one's brown haired, one's blonde. And it's just, look at these dudes, rough house and everywhere. Yeah. Why is one a blonde and one's mine? One's not mine. Okay. Yeah. That's what I was getting at. You have very dark brown hair. One came out a very big surprise. Looked a lot like Colorado Rocky's shortstop, Trevor story at the time. And,

At the time. At the time. He's gone. They dealt him out. Oh, okay. Oh, he was a Colorado Rocky at the time. Not just he looked like him at the time. Right. He looked like he was a Rocky at the time, and that was a lot of heat between me and Trevor going on in the city, so they moved him out of town. A lot of Colorado-specific humor with him.

That's all I got. Enjoy it. Yeah. Was your show based in Colorado? I can't remember. What do you think? Of course it was. Who knows? And we tricked everyone by getting t-shirts of various local businesses and putting them on the kids in the background of the shots. And everyone thought, that's Denver if I've ever seen it. Oh, wow. Did you film it? We filmed it at Van Nuys High School. Oh, okay. Yeah. Wonderful high school. Yeah. Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Yeah. I believe I did some of the Ferns movie there.

Did you? I did. Nice. Yes. So you know the cockroaches then? Yes. Nothing they got in the movie. Oh, okay. But so wallpaper, it's a family-oriented special. Is it good for the whole family? When you say family-oriented, I wish you would move Christ to the front of that. It is a Christ-centric special. You are a religious comedian. I forgot to mention that. Big time. Yeah.

Yeah, anti-religious, I should say. And from Christ, all is possible, including my family. No, it made me very, I really wanted it to be you to like it even if you don't have kids. So while it is about fatherhood, I feel like, look, TikTokers can relate. Some of them come to my shows and they said, I don't have kids, but I found that funny. And that's when I thought, all right, I could do this. Okay, good. I could record this special. What if you do have kids and don't find it funny? Then, comedy's like music. I'm not your genre. I'm not your cup of tea.

Maybe you don't like what I'm playing. And how, God, what else do I ask a standup when they have a special? How long is it? I don't know. Runtime. Glad you asked.

Well, can you mind if I call the label and get the exact run time? Because I want to get this. Let me talk to Gino for a second. Yeah, you call the label. Yeah, sorry. I'm not sure when I'm supposed to come in. You said not at all, right? You gotta help me out here, man. Yeah, you need help in here? This is Adam's fifth time on the show. This is maybe his fifth. He's always on because he has a special. I don't have anything to ask him about

these specials? Dude, you don't have to ask him anything about this special. Just say, like, when does it drop? Where can people get it? You know, go start with plugs and back off from there. Okay, okay. I'm back. The label said it's their first three-hour, 51-minute comedy special. This is longer than The Godfather Part 2? They're calling it the Oppenheimer of comedy specials because it's in black and white and I bomb a lot. And just the last hour is super boring?

I like that we both made a choice. Yeah, I know. Sorry to cut yours off. It's all good. It's all good. Mine was only true. You know who's listening to his special? A young senator named Kennedy. Robert F. Kennedy. That's also from the end. Yeah. My, you know, that's my Kennedy. For my money. He's my Camelot. He's part of the comedy community, so we protect him. We got his back. Yeah, of course. 100%. Where did you film this special? That's good. In Denver. Of course. That's where you're from.

If you haven't been to Denver, you're not going to understand 70% of this. Really? What is Denver specific? Local businesses. What are these businesses you keep talking about? Dillon Duggs, Auto Nation, Jake Jabs is on there. Do you have to have an alliterative

named Frank Azar, the DUI attorney. There's a lot of stuff about him. So he's an attorney who's got DUIs? Well, he actually did, yes, but he gets you off because he knows his product. Because he knows, yeah. He knows his product. And then you go celebrate at the bar afterwards. Great story. He's like my local town's, the DUI attorney you see on TV and he famously got drunk and drove and the cops pulled him over and he ran and hid behind bushes. Thinking that would get him off the hook somehow. But they found old Frank Azar.

And when does it drop? Where do you find it? It drops on January 18th. Were you fed that? No, no, no. I just, I'm very curious about these types of issues. January 18th, it is on YouTube. Oh, so it's been, it's out already. It's out everywhere. And I mean, you probably know that from the buzz you hear on the streets. Sure, yeah.

I mean, there's probably found this episode of comedy bang bang from listening to reverse engineered it. Yeah. I, in fact, would rather you plug comedy bang bang at the end of your special. I told you I do. It's the closest. Wait, while we're on that topic, quick question, then I'll shut up.

When you guys say circle jerk, is everyone standing in a circle jerking themselves off or is everyone going like one hand to the right? I've always wondered that about circle jerks. Yeah, because the way I grew up doing it was you go to the guy to your right because most of us were righties. I'd always bone the lefty. And it's sort of like, you know, Downton Abbey where at some point someone says turn and then you go to the left. Yes. Ours is more free will and it's a give a penny, take a penny type of

Oh, okay. I love that. If you have one and no one's taking it. Gap tap. Yep. You need this more than I do. Sure. That type of attitude. Interesting. Great question. Thank you. Yeah, got you. Okay, now you're going to be quiet. It's on the YouTube. It's on the YouTube. And now, starting now, I'll be quiet. I'm really confused as to when I'm supposed to talk or not. I know it's never, but I also flew here from Long Island. I know. You've been on the show now for, we've been on for almost 15 years, and you've been on the show probably 10 of those?

Yeah, 10 or 11 of those years. I got an 11-year hat. You gave me a Cools hat. I got a Virginia Slim. Oh, is that what you got that from him? It looks great on you. But now I'm confused about when you're supposed to talk. Same here, dude. I should have just asked one question before we started rolling with it.

Because I used to think it shouldn't be at all. And now I'm thinking, like, why isn't he chiming in more? I know. I know. I'm in a fucking complex situation. I'm stuck between a rack and a hard place. I mean, a rock and a hard place. I don't know who's hosting the pot. So I want to sort of kiss ass over here to Scott. But now I feel like you're sort of carrying more of

the way. Oh, no. Scott's ass. Trust me. It'll get you places. Yeah. Adam, I, and for the listeners who may be new to the show, this is Gino, my intern. Have you never met Gino before? Never met Gino before. And I'm in my five appearances, but it's an honor. No, I don't always do. And I have done maybe 15 episodes out of the thousand that you've done. Yeah. But you're doing it for college college.

I'm getting that. So community college credits, I'm a radio major, which they transferred to podcast credits in the year 2011. So I'm still hustling over there, you know, learning audio engineering and Scott, you know, doesn't have room in the budget to pay me. So I just, I'm still ripping off. There's not a lot of wiggle room in that budget.

I've got 11 minors so far, but no associate's degree from NC Square. But I'm making a lot of people back home proud when they get to hear my voice. 11 minors sounds like Chris Delia. Delia? How do you pronounce his name? Let's get his name right. He deserves that. I need plausible deniability that I said Delia. I want to do it. 11 minors. What is this? Chile? Sorry, I'm here for that.

But yeah, anyway, Gino is my intern. And when are you graduating? Oh, dude, I have no fucking clue. I'm actually, I think at this point I might technically need to talk to a therapist or something because I think I'm purposely putting some blockages in front of me graduating. Yeah. I'm almost positive. I just don't know what I want to do in life. And I'm waiting for the podcast bubble to burst and then shift my major. Oh, it's burst. Oh, yeah. No, I'm aware. I've got fucking, I'm up to my neck in athletic greens. Yeah.

um yeah once obama got in the game uh with frosty dude fuck this dude that was a diversity hire if i've ever seen one okay i'm talking about the president podcast for everybody worse worse worse oh okay okay sorry sorry let's get back to adam um adam what else are you working on

Here's a question for you. Do you get the opposite of altitude sickness when you're down at a low sea level? Do you feel extra powerful? Do you get the bends? I'm a superhero at sea level. I can drink harder. I can run faster. I can jump higher than anyone who trains at this altitude. It's like taking off a weighted vest and now you're fucking ready to rip. Believe it. Because one time I went to Denver and I fainted on the flight.

Really? The flight took you out? Yeah, I was like, I hope Denver's not this high. They're like, well, it's definitely lower than this. We're going to land. This is a layover in Las Vegas. We're not going up to land. I got vertigo.

I was watching Vertigo and got vertigo. Oh, really? Oh, that's the worst. Yeah, secondhand vertigo, technically. Because you don't know you have it when you're watching Vertigo. No, I was watching on someone else's screen. Yeah, and you're like, oh, this is a weird feeling. And then you land and you're like, oh, wait. That was Vertigo. Yeah. Interesting. Were you listening to Vertigo as well? Or was it the other? Is that the U2 album? Yeah, the one that's on everyone's iPhones. I think you might have confused me from the guy from Torque. I don't want to talk to you about U2, all right? Okay, sorry. Yeah.

I'd love to talk to you about YouTube sometime, Gino. Do you want to take over the show? Adam's gone. Is he gone? Yeah, he's in New York. Had to go. Had another podcast. Bye, guys. Oh, that Adam. Oh, no, not this Adam. I'm here. I'm here. We're having a separate conversation about a different Adam. Oh, I'm sorry. Adam is recording another podcast just across the room. Yeah. Holy shit. With Marc Maron? That's fucking rad. We switch mid-podcast. God, I would love to switch guests with Marc Maron mid-podcast.

That'd be amazing. You just randomly have Michael Mann sit down. Yeah, he gets everybody. He texted the last question. I left off here. What's up with these weird accents in Ferrari? Ferrari. So, yeah, what are we...

What should I ask you about? You know, the two boys, the two boys is the main narrative for me. That's what's going on with you now. I got two boys. I'm doing jokes. I'm writing movies. I'm doing all of it, but I'm happily. Which movie did you write? Well, I wrote a movie and then we're going to make it. I can't really talk about it yet. Oh, incredible. Sounds like a sixth episode idea if you ask me. It's called Ferrari 2. Ferrari 2. Yeah. Finally. Where the eyes in Ferrari just adds one. Yeah, exactly. No, it's Ferrari 2. Ferrari. T-U. Ferrari.

with that accent i wrote a movie called ford 5 colon ferrari but everyone keeps thinking it's ford v ferrari and it's not no it's not it's my own thing it's fifth movie in the fordiverse you're welcome yeah the gerald fordiverse yes exactly oh my god that's my president when's his biopic seriously you know what i mean he was how long was he there he was there two and a half three years was he only there two and a half what happened to that guy

I kind of woke up politically around the time of Obama. Got it. Hmm.

Gerald Ford got real active in politics, an anti-legislative branch. Interesting. Anti-executive branch. Ford had to clean up Nixon's mess, but he was too busy falling down stairs on the tarmac to get anything done. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was Chevy Chase. Yeah. They called him a real clumsy guy. Right. And, you know, that's man. Imagine the good old days when the worst thing about your president was that he's a little clumsy and not sundowning live.

Well, Jerry Ford was also a great football player, but it was the leather helmets era. So I honestly think that might have done it. The George Clooney era of gridiron football. Absolutely. Bad. He played with all the All-Eleven Oceans guys. Scott Kahn played wide receiver, just like he did when he was a tweeter in Varsity Blues. Varsity Blues? Scott Kahn, who I saw at the Burbank Subway once? What? That's right. Ordering off the kids menu? Yeah.

He's a short man. Hey, if we're name dropping celebrities, I literally just saw Moby buy a loaf of French bread. Really? I mean, in route to here. He was next to one or he actually purchased one? He purchased one. Wow. He looked dapper. He was great. In a pea coat, he bought a loaf of French bread right in front of me. I used to see him when I would go hiking. He had a particular house and I saw him clearing his deck chairs.

off of his porch once. Moby does that himself? Yeah, can you imagine? That guy keeps it real. I think he's too busy just pressing play. No. Was he with Natalie Portman? Nope, just him alone and a loaf of French bread. But he was telling people he was. Okay. He was putting it out there that he was with Natalie Portman. And then no one's doing the math on what year he's talking about and how old she might have been. But Moby, we love him. He's a great... You know, Natalie Portman's a Long Island broad. Oh, really? I had

no idea yeah Natalie Hirschschlag I hope she's okay with me uh doxing her real name oh okay she's uh lost the accent oh yeah she got rid of it early on when she was in Naboo Naboo Naboo oh Naboo oh wait is that from Phantom Menace or was that accidentally racist you tell me hey it's one or the other when it comes to George Lucas it's usually both yeah this is my favorite drinking game um

Well, Adam, you're obviously one of America's and nay, the world's great comedians. Yes. Wallpaper is out now. It's on YouTube. We have to take a break if that's okay. That's fine. Can you stick around? I sure can. Let me check with Mark Merritt. Okay. Yeah. When do you have to be there? He says, yeah, he says, he says, finish up with Scotty. Okay, great.

Okay, great. Make sure he doesn't lock the gates before you get there. You want to get in there. But coming up a little later, we have an author. We also have a businessman. Very exciting stuff. Very exciting. And Gino, are you sticking around? I have no idea whether I want you to or not. Well, someone's got to roll ads. Okay. Wait, you haven't queued up? Yep. What ads did I do this week?

This week, it's athletic greens. It's the mattress that's like Hexa or something like that. Oh, yeah, the one that's six-sided? Yeah, the six-sided mattress, the shack mattress. And then some of them, you're doing a Virginia Slims ad for kids' cigarettes because they're bringing those back. And then you're doing a Mango Jewel-branded kind of story. Oh, this is a Chris Kattan-branded jewel? Yes, that mango. Okay, great. Mango Jewel.

It's not flavored like mango at all. It's actually part of the thing you have to explain in the end. You'll read that. Okay, I'll read it all once I get it. I sent it to your Rumble account. Okay, thank you so much. Yeah, send it to my... What's the other one?

Truth social. Yeah, just DM it to my truth social. Okay, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Adam, Kate, and Holland. We're going to have more Gino, plus an author and a businessman. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. And roll ads.

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I mean...

Don't out me in front of Adam. All right. Hey, Adam Catenholland is here. He's a comedian wallpaper. That's right. Yeah. I am wallpaper. I am comedian wallpaper. You are a comedian wallpaper. Yes. You're setting yourself up for sort of like a Spinal Tap negative review if you name your album Wallpaper a little bit, right? Of course. You're daring them. You're saying, come on, come for me, A.O. Scott. That's how much I believe in this product. It is bulletproof.

I dare you to review this. Bulletproof wallpaper. I've shot at it myself. Honestly, it's time to fucking develop that for schools here in America. Thank you, and I'm glad you got to that. Sorry, all you guys have kids. I fire blanks, so I'm okay with making jokes like that. In schools. Yeah, I only fire blanks. That's why everyone gets mad at me. I'm not actually doing it. I'm not shooting up this school. They're blanks. No, you're masturbating in schools. Yes, of course, but there's no sperm. Right, you're cumming. So is it masturbating? So is it even masturbating? Mm-hmm.

A lot of questions. Hey, it's a podcast. We're talking about masturbating. Hey, toxic masculinity circle journey. Here we go. It took us too long. It's the second act. It was also the name of my first Harold team. Save me for B-block. We got to get to our next guest. She's an author. Please welcome back to the show, Matilda Gravyman. Hello, Scott. Hi. Do you remember me?

I'm, I sort of, what exactly, where did we, uh, I wrote, uh, your unauthorized biography. I did it my way. The life and times of skip anchorman redacted the life and times of Scott, Scott Ackerman, and then redacted. And then I said it right. Why redacted instead of just correcting it? Because it's just, it's easier. It's less money at the printer. Oh, to just put a black bar over something. Uh,

Okay, yeah, you wrote my unauthorized biography. That's right. You were on the show a little while back, and I don't remember that particular detail. By the way, this is Gino. This is Adam. Hello. Hello. This is Matilda Gravyman. And how did the book do, if you don't mind me asking? It went okay, and I'm here with some exciting news about the book. Okay. Oh, this is great. Okay. Exclusies. Yeah, the strike is over.

That's the exciting news about the book. I heard about this maybe three months ago. Hopefully some middling comedians can get back on health insurance. And back on Comedy Bang Bang. My ears are ringing. I sold your life rights to Big Disney and it's being turned into a biopic, Scott. Oh, my life rights? Yep, I did it. I don't know that you were able to...

do that I my life is still going on too well I think she now has the rights to that or Big Disney has the rights to the rest of your life as well kind of can steer it in any direction quick question do you have a Scott yet can I audition that was part of the thing I was gonna offer Scott a chance to audition but I think Scott's pretty busy yeah Shark Tale 2 is still getting cranked out over there

Hey, we finished that script long ago. They just didn't want to do it. Just waiting to get back. Scott, my hesitation is that, is you pulling off young Scott. Do you think he would do that? Oh, what, you think it would be like Richard Dreyfuss in Mr. Holland's Opus where he walks in the room and I see him immediately going, oh, here's a 40-year-old man and he's supposed to be 20? Exactly. I'm a little bit concerned for that. I don't know if you could pull off a young Scott. Well, try me. I mean, I have a sort of youthful joie de vivre. Great. Let me give you a line. Okay.

I can slap whatever waiter I want. I don't remember this from my life. This sounds like Scott. This is good writing. Exactly, right? Is this from the book or the screenplay? It's popping off the page either way. When did I say this? I love slapping waiters. I can slap whatever waiter I want. I've never slapped. I was a waiter. Why would I slap waiters? That's not what the book says. What's the book say? It says that you slap waiters, Scott. Okay, well, I want the part, but...

Maybe after I get the part, I can talk to the screenwriter about this, but okay. - Well, I'm the screenwriter. - Oh, congratulations. - Thank you. - Wow, okay, I'll talk to the director then. - Well. - Oh no! You're directing it too? - I'm also the director and I'll tell you why. I blackmailed the producer.

And you're not the producer. No, not the producer. Big Disney's producing it. How did you blackmail the producer? Well, I saw him run over his dog and then replace it without telling his wife. You saw the entirety of that transaction? Well, don't tell him, but I put a little dachshund behind his car and then the dominoes fell right into line. You put his dachshund or...

Did he replace a dog you put there or it was his dog that you placed there? It was his dog that I allegedly maybe placed there. You just told us. You did just say you did. Did I? Allegedly maybe. Allegedly maybe. And then he didn't tell his wife because she would be devastated. And so I wrote a little letter, told him what I know, and now I'm directing the picture.

Okay. Dearest Big Disney, I know what you did last summer. Congratulations. What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? I can only imagine this is more exciting than anything that would be in my autobiography. I mean, nothing's happened to me. What do you mean? It's more than just putting up with improvisers, Scott. So much has happened. That would be 99% of my day. Well, it's...

Well, I will be honest. It's a little dry. Okay. So, good news is that we have a pretty big budget, but we do have to use all the costumes and set from the Elvis movie. Okay. Oh, the Baz Luhrmann one or the one about Mrs. Elvis? Baz Luhrmann. The Baz Luhrmann one. Okay. That's good. That's a lavish set. There's a lot of options. Does the Scott character have to wear the Colonel Tom Parker costume?

Yes, exactly. Well, not until he gets to be like 40-year-old Scott. Oh, okay. Played by 60-year-old Scott. Exactly. Hey, come on. No, I mean, in the future, it's going to take a while to film, I think. Sure, but not that long. One and a half years? Not 25 years. Come on, guys.

Wait, you're not, you're mid-60s? Hey, go a little lower. Mid to late 60s, sorry. Well, give me a chance at this, but how do we spruce up this story? Because I don't want the film to bomb necessarily, but I want it to be accurate. Right, popular biopics out now usually are like about musicians, like Rocketman. Do you, have you- That's a popular biopic out now? Yeah, when are we recording this? I threw my calendar in the garbage bags. 2018, right? It's 2018? Yeah.

Oh man, you got plenty of time to gear up to wait for Adam's special. Now, if that's the case, I'd like to plug my old special from 2018. If that's okay. It's still out there. Scott, have you written any songs? Please say yes. Uh, I could write a song. I mean, could you try? Yeah, sure. I mean, one and a five. And here we go. Can you give me a subject matter at least? Like it's an improv show. Me. Yeah. Uh,

I mean, I guess about my life, something akin to like a real bold statement at the end, like a my way type of thing. Oh, wait, what was this called, by the way? I did it my way. Okay, see, already you have a song right there. I don't need to write one. We can't get the rights. You can buy them. We used the budget trying to hire Tom Hanks to play his role from Elvis. Just trying to hire him?

Hire him? Cost money? Yeah, it took us $50,000 just to get his email. Oh, no, he was pair play on the email. He's probably just T. Hanks at Gmail. Something you don't know about a lot of celebrities. Thanks in Gmail? Oh, man. That's even fucking better. Can you try emailing him on your Fisher Price laptop that you have? Oh, yeah, sure. That shouldn't be a problem. Yeah, what's going on with that laptop? Cal goes moo. All right, sent. Sent.

Cowgirls move? Oh yeah, the cow says move. Move, bitch. Get out. It's ludic cows.

Chris, go to Chris Bridges. Maybe we could spitball some scenes we could add here. Yeah, maybe. I mean, Adam, he's got a movie coming out. We've got to do the coming out scene. Will you come out to your parents as a fucking dork? I think they knew that, actually. But we could, yeah, I mean, we can write anything, right? Adam's an experienced screenwriter. What about a scene where you're hunting with your father as an impressionable young man? I love it. We never did that, but sure, I'll

He's a very alpha type guy. You've felled the deer, but the deer is not dead. And he wants you to kill it in front of him to show that you are a man. However, you're not perceiving manhood as that at this point. And you decide not to do it. And it is the split between you and your father. I love this. Can the deer be dressed as Elvis? Yes. Great. Then I'm in. Okay. I mean, I've never seen a deer wearing sideburns, but this sounds...

This sounds good. I mean, yeah, you like it? Can you add this? I love it. And Scott, I mean, this kind of drama, this kind of like disturbing energy is sort of what I'm going for, for the whole, the energy of the whole thing. Why? I mean, I've had a fairly anodyne life, uneventful. I've just failed upwards. The dream. I recently watched that new movie, Wolf of Wall Street, that just came out. Oh, yeah, that's right. And the sort of like life of crime

being despicable. It's really hot right now. So just what are all the worst things you've ever done? Jordan Balfour, also a Long Island guy. Oh, what's his real last name? I don't know, but it's probably either Jewish or an Italian. Is he still with us? I don't believe he is. No, no. Poor guy. Poor soul. Left us too early. No, look, I got tricked into doing this down at the Celebrity Center. I'm not going to tell you all the worst things I've ever done. All right.

All right. Well, I'll have to keep digging or make them up. I gave all the worst. I list of all the worst shit I ever did to my volleyball coach who taught me night volleyball. Keith Raniere. We call them Vanguard. Oh, interesting. And night volleyball different than day volleyball. How? It's indoors and it's played by mostly weird people with brands. Occasionally you mistake the moon for the ball. Yeah. And that's called amore. Did you have to kiss Keith Raniere on the lips? Yeah, you didn't have to, but we got to.

Were their teams entirely of vampires? There was a vampire team versus a normal team made up, captained by the chick from Smallville. Oh, wow. Small World, Smallville. Small Girl from Smallville. Yeah.

But I recognize her from something else. Small world, huh? Can I tell you my favorite part about Keith Raniere? Oh, boy, we have a Keith Raniere fan. And I believe this has come up before. I have a lot of favorite parts. With a different guest. I love that to make himself not seem like too crazy of a cult leader, he'll also kiss the men on the lips. But he's so small and he looks so humiliated every time he has to kiss any of the men on the lips. And it makes me laugh every time. He has to do a little like...

Come down here. Come down here, please. Come down to Vanguard. I'm not weird. I'm not just kissing the ladies. I kiss the tall men, too. I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the highest IQ, something everyone remembers from the Guinness Book of World Records. But I love that guy. Gotta talk to Fred Guinness about this, by the way. Trying to get him to audition to play you. Fred Guinness? No. No, both of them. Keith Raniere. Either one's a get. Fred Guinness would rather get Brad Garrett play me, I would imagine. But he's a huge Brad Garrett fan. Anyway.

Anyway, you don't know any of this. Who isn't a Brad Garrett fan? I mean, all of Las Vegas is. Look, I want the part. I want the movie to come out, but I don't want something that I'm embarrassed by afterwards, you know? Don't worry. We're going to find an actor that's just your height. Okay.

Okay. That might be... 5'1", 5'2". I'm a good foot taller than that, I think. I think. I think you're even taller than that. Yeah. I think you're like 6'3", Scott. Yeah, I think so. I mean, of course, I'm looking at your hinge profile right here and it says 6'3". But, you know, a lot of people juice those stats like it's high school football. Don't tell Kula about that one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I know. His celebrity net worth says 6'4". It's always bigger than what he... $6,400. $6,400.

That's about accurate. The bubble has burst. It's funny that you bring up Brad Garrett because I was at MGM Grand at the Brad Garrett Comedy Lounge. That's where I know him from. It's the only place I perform. Is this where you saw Criss Angel or was that a different guest? Yes, that was a different... That was someone else. Um...

Yeah, I've been going to Vegas a lot lately, I guess. It's the dream. So I was listening to comedians, seeing if anyone had sort of a Scott Aukerman vibe to them, and no luck. Oh, you went to comedians for that? Interesting. Okay, yeah. Not my first guess.

I would have went to a funeral and picked someone that was horizontal. Everyone is horizontal, technically, but they're just right side up. Oh, yeah. I guess we put a level on the top of their heads. Any actors you really don't want playing you or anyone that you'd really love for us to get? Okay, don't confuse these columns, okay? No.

My handwriting's bad. I can't make any promises. Okay, the ones I don't want you to get, Kevin Spacey, Jonathan Majors. Okay, well, they're begging to play you, so it's going to be hard. If it's a go movie, okay. Spacey is talented. The guy's good. Have you seen K-Pax? What if he plays his character from House of Cards as you? I would expect it. You want to let him be Frank? Yeah, let him be Frank. Okay.

Oh, God. Horrible. It must be Christmas because Frank's back, baby. Yes, exactly. He was with Tucker this year. Ah, yes, my manager. Tucker Carlson is your manager? I'm trying to get him, but the guy won't sign me. He doesn't have the juice anymore. Ah, yeah. You were hip-pocketed by him. I was hip-pocketed by him early on because I was doing bow-tie shit and kind of touching the live wire of right-wing podcasting, which we know is super lucrative. I think.

It actually is. Well, this all sounds great. Is there anything else you can tell me about the project here? Can I audition for a character? Yeah. Can I play the kid that was Scott's friend, but Scott betrays and he kills himself and it kind of inspires Scott to get into musical theater? Who kills what and inspires who? I want to play your friend from high school that you kind of like betray and he kills himself. Oh, he kills himself. Yeah, yeah. I want to play that character. I've always wanted to commit suicide on camera.

Oh, I mean, pretend in a movie. Well, show me what you got. All right, hold on. Mime it, though, please. Okay, I'm going to mime it. Shoot blanks. Well, if I'm going to choke myself, I don't have a choice. I'm shooting blanks. Jesus.

Is it not that kind of show, Scott? I don't know anymore. Honestly, you've been on the show 11 years. I have no idea what kind of show it is. Me neither. I've been fucking listening for before I joined. I still don't know what kind of fucking show it is. I take it all back. I'd rather not see that. Okay, fair enough. That's okay. Scott, can I ask a huge favor? Sure.

A couple things. You can't say, can I ask you a huge favor and then I say yes. Two things. One, can I borrow some money? How much? $20,000. $20,000? That's a lot of money. She needs to email Meg Ryan. Yeah, I do. I'm dying to have Meg Ryan be like a PA or something on the set so I can ask her about You've Got Mail. That's the only reason. Okay.

And then the other thing, and I hate to ask this. Okay. Can you die in an interesting way and soon? Soon? I mean, I'll try to do it in an interesting way. You're in your 70s. I mean, please.

- I don't think, what's an interesting way to you? Like what'll really juice up the screenplay? - Hot air balloon. - Doing what though? Like crashing or like it landing on my head and me saying, "Ow!" - Either. - Concussion? - What about being crushed in between two potted plants?

Between two ferns, you mean? Yeah, I mean, the headline's right itself. That might get you some juice. People might go see the movie again. Could get a re-release, like a rep screening. It could play at the New Bev. Now you're speaking my language. May I pitch for the sake of sequel? Of course. That the hot air balloon does not crash, but it does get lost. It disappears. And the ending is sort of, he's gone. We can't find Scott. You're hired. Presumed dead.

The Scott Aukerman story. He did it his way. Yeah, parentheses, he did it his way. That's the last line. As Adam Scott sees your balloon float away. Well, he did it his way. So Adam Scott is a big part of this? I don't know. I don't know who you are. I'm just trying to think of who your friends might be. Who plays Adam? I'll play Adam. Oh, you play Adam. I've played him already in this podcast. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

All right. Well, sequel pending box office returns in parentheses. I'll, I'll see about the money. Uh, I'll try to die, I guess soon. I mean, you know, uh, I don't know. And if the movie goes well, then we can write a musical on that. Then we can write a movie based on that musical. And then I can turn it back into a book. Okay. Yeah. This all sounds like a great plan. I'll be back a lot. Trying to get back on the show. I don't remember you the first time.

But look, we have to take a break if that's okay. When we come back, we have a businessman. Cue break. Yeah, cue the break because who do I have this time? What? Who do I have this time?

Who are your ads this time? Yeah, who are my ads this time? Your ads are for... They're mostly for other CBB World shows. It's a sad week. Yeah, what is going on? It's Q1. In-house promos. Q1 is always slow, right? Q1 is always slow. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me. And it doesn't matter what Q. They're all slow. The only one that's not slow these days is QAnon. That's right. They take it off. We'll talk about that a little bit after the break. Okay.

During the break. We're going to come right back. And during, yeah. We're going to come right back. We're going to have more with Matilda Gravyman. We'll have more with Adam Caden-Holland and more Gino. Plus a businessman. We'll be right back with more comedy. Bang, bang, bang. After this, roll ads. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade.

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out on YouTube now, does that, like, does it start with an ad, like a 30-second thing that I have to skip ahead? For wallpaper, yes. For wallpaper? Yes. For the application of it and for the purchase of it. So you got sponsored by wallpaper? This is genius. Well, it's me up front being like, if you're thinking about re, you know, uplifting your bathroom or just a child's bedroom, why not try wallpaper? Or just a child's bedroom. Or just one of your children's.

And that's why your next special is going to be called Raytheon. Right. Exactly. Make the big bucks. Interesting. Yeah. Just a general ad for wallpaper. That's Gino, by the way. Gino Lombardo. Correct. From Long Island. Oh, you got it right. I know everything about you. It's about fucking time. Yeah. I mean, Adam's been on here five times and you're floundering. I've been on here 60 times and you just got my last name right. That's right. And where you're from?

All the stops. Long Island, the home of George Santos. Santos, Seinfeld, and Eddie Murphy. The big three. We also have Matilda Gravyman speaking to the big three here. Hello, Skip. Thank you for letting me stick around. Scott, you've got to get my name right if we're going to do this biopic. We'll see. Okay.

And we need to get to our next guest. He is a businessman. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Ben Montbalone. Hello, Scott. Thanks for having me on. Hi, it's my pleasure. This is Matilda to your right, your immediate right. That's a firm handshake.

And we have Gino over here, too, at sort of, I would guess, your two. Oh, right. I hope a bow is okay. Okay, thank you. Were you just overseas back in Japan? I did. I did a little time overseas. I was in a prison in Japan. You were in a prison? What happened? You can't, I don't know. You're not supposed to have tattoos and then dive into, like, the different spas that they have there. Yeah, right. Yeah, they accused me of being Yakuza. Talk to me after the show. There's a lot of countries you can't be expedited from, actually.

Oh, thank you. How do you know, by the way, this is Adam. Adam, how do you know this about the expediting? Expediting? Wait, back to my wider days. You can't be sped up. I don't think you can get much whiter than these days, Scotty. These are the white days. There's a few countries you can't be expedited from, sped up. There's also a few countries you can't be extradited from. Extradited, that's what I'm trying to say, yeah. How do you know so much about this?

Scott, when you're in business, when you're in international business, you have to think about all the facets. Okay, that makes sense. So you're a businessman, not a business man. Yeah, well, you could say entrepreneur. We don't have entrepreneurs on the show anymore. Oh, okay. Well, then I'm a businessman. Okay, great. So what kind of business are you in, if you don't mind me asking? I hope you don't because you're on a talk show and I need to.

I don't mind, Scott, because I've been in and out of business for a lot of years. Let's see. First thing, I really hit the scene with a business in the dot-com boom. It's called Emailable Chocolate.

Emailable chocolate? Emailable chocolate. Do you remember You've Got Chocolate? Do I remember it? The catchphrase? You've Got Chocolate. I remember You've Got Mail. Is this a parody of that? That was a spin on it. A spin, yeah. So you would get an email and it would say You've Got Chocolate. And then what? You would get chocolate delivered to wherever that email was sent. Okay, so this is just a chocolate delivery. It was a chocolate delivery service that we spun off.

Spun off... Well, that became 1-800-Flowers. Sorry, that became 1-900-Flowers. Oh, oh, oh. The one you called in to talk to virgins? Yeah. That's right. That was really popular. Jeff Epstein ended up buying that one. Oh, really? Whatever happened to him? That's why you can't have entrepreneurs on anymore ever since you had Jeff on. It was a bummer. And then...

Yeah, you know, and then early in the 2000s, I did Wine of Mine. Wine of Mine? Wine of Mine. That was the machine that you put, you buy the machine and you put the grapes in it and it makes grape wine on your countertop. Okay, so it's sort of like that video of the lady stomping the grapes going, That sound still gets me hot. Yeah, in machine form. Yeah, and, you know, RIP to her too as well. Oh, she, oh. She passed. From that video? You know, it was overshadowed by the Epstein thing. Yeah.

It was the same day. Same. Oh, absolutely. The same moment. The same moment. It wasn't from stomping grapes, but yeah, it was from complications from stomping grapes 12 years prior. And then she's gone. Oh my God. That was so terrible. You gotta be careful. And then I'm working on a new business now. It's, um, Benmont bolognese, uh, meat flavored cologne.

Benmont Bologna's meat flavored cologne. Yes. So this is cologne? I'm in. It's cologne. Well, this is exactly what I'm talking about, Scott. Did you hear the response to that? Yeah. I'm on board. A certain type of person. Yeah. I drank a bottle of cool water in seventh grade, so I think I know a thing or two about flavored cologne. Who doesn't like meat flavored cologne?

Cologne. Who wouldn't like the smell of meat? Vegans. These are two separate questions. That's one. Who else? Me. Okay, that's two. Who else? Butchers looking to escape their day job. Butchers, and that's it. Everybody else? Everyone else loves it. Everyone else loves it. I was going to say, it smelled like a slaughterhouse when you walked in here. Thank you. Yeah, that's our prosciutto model. We have models of cologne. It's our prosciutto model, and it's going gangbusters, Scott.

What do you mean when you say that? Like you're the gang and people are busting you? That's right. I've been hunted now by several international gangs because what happens was, Scott, we were getting the meat from Guatemala. Why? You gotta. Well, labor's cheap. Meat's cheap. You gotta get it from there.

Labor's cheap, meat's cheap. Everything's cheap cheap. Everything's cheap cheap. And well, when you come into contact with who runs those organizations down there, they will hunt you like a dog, Scott. They will hunt you across land and sea. And that's why, you know, I've been expedited out of countries and I've been extradited out of countries.

Are people hunting dogs these days? It's usually people are using dogs to hunt. Well, that's why we used Guatemala as well. You can get any flavor of meat you want down there. Any flavor? Any flavor. Okay. When you say flavor, you mean dog. I mean dog. Okay. And what do you think prosciutto is made of, Scott? I thought ham, but- That's what you thought. Dogs are smarter than pigs.

Matt, I have a question about your product. It's flavored, so you are drinking the cologne. You don't apply it to yourself. You can drink it. Well, this is the thing. Does it smell like meat? It definitely smells like meat. It tastes like meat as well. It's like the Jessica Simpson perfume from 2003 that you could also eat. Well, she's our spokesperson. Oh my gosh. Wow, you got her? We brought her back. I missed her so much. I'm glad she's doing better. She's doing great.

To answer your question, Adam, and I don't like to talk down to comedians. Yes, sir. No, sure. Of course. Who does? You know, the thing about business is you create a problem, you disrupt the market, and then you sell before it blows up. Right. The Vivek Ramaswamy. You're not in it to like...

improve anyone's lives or change the game in any way. You're in it for a fucking, what do they call them? A crash and bash? A fucking run? Well, that's what we had at Epstein's. Both of those things. The crash and bash was where we rip around the island on these little go-karts.

I always wanted to go to the island to see that painting of Bill Clinton in Monica's blue dress that he allegedly had up on the wall. I just want to see the painting. Actually, it's not. That's why I was there. Okay, I'm just looking for the painting. If it were in MoMA, I'd go there. You know what, Gino? That's not actually what the painting looks like. It's actually Bill Clinton on the dress looks like a bearskin rug. He's laying naked on top of it.

See, this is why I got to go there. It's gorgeous. Wow. Gorgeous painting. My old physics professor, Stephen Houston, always said he wanted to take me there. I think that's what he was saying. It was hard to hear. He wanted to take you to the island? Yeah. Sure.

You would love it there. Oh, yes. Your old physics professor. Yeah, the theory of everything. At community college. He taught at Nassau Community College. Not a lot of people know that. After he cheated on his wife, they fucking scooted him across the country. They omitted that from the biopic. Everything's relative, Viddy. So, Benmon Bologna, why don't you just sell bologna?

Instead of cologne and making cologne, you know, rhyme with baloney. I don't get it, Scott. I don't understand. What are you disrupting there? I guess you're not disrupting anything in the sense of it's a bad idea. I'm just saying like, wow, you could sell baloney. Your name is baloney. Well, what's the problem, Scott? What are you disrupting? Well, that's my question for you about your cologne. Okay. What's the problem and what is it that you're disrupting? Cologne smell too good? The problem is this.

Cologne. I'm on boy. I'm in. You're right. You're right. You're throwing money at him. He's amazing. Listen to him. Break it down. This is where you have to think like an entrepreneur, or I'm sorry, a businessman. And a lot of people don't. You think cologne, cologne, cologne. No one's done anything new with cologne for years. And so then we've entered the market, we've penetrated, and we've absolutely changed the game when it comes to what we even think of as cologne. Is it something you can drink? Now it is. Does it have to be liquid?

It's not liquid. It's a solid clone. It's just purely meat? It's a stick. It's a stick. It's a meat stick. This is what...

Oh, this is it. Oh, wow. Oh, it looks like roll-on deodorant. Yeah, but it smells like gabagool. To be honest, it's long and cylindrical. Snap into it. Eight inches long. Snap right in. But it's encased in glass. That's alone. It's encased in glass. So it looks like a Slim Jim. It's encased in glass. So you meet the low with the high, the blue collar with the white. Why was it making that noise? What? I'm glad you said this is the glass. I'm glad you said it looks like a Slim Jim. That's glass?

That's noisy glass. Well, okay. We have to cut some costs somewhere. Sure. I mean, you say it's glass, but yes, this is plastic. Who cares? Yeah, who gives a shit? Belmont, can I ask you a question? Yeah. All those barking dogs that are clawing at the door, is that because of you and your smell? Nose or mind, that's a pack of Westies follows me wherever I go.

Why do they do that? Wait, are they dogs hunting you like a dog? This is why. Where's the simile? Who's the predicate when you say like a dog? Like a, they're hunting me like a dog. Hunting as if they are dogs? Are they hunting the way you would hunt a dog? These dogs are hunting me like they're, like I'm a dog in their pack that has been ostracized.

And they are continuing. And you are extradited from the pack. This is strange. I've been chased by, there have been packs of dogs running around for the last several years, always near me. I'll be at a party and a pack of dogs runs through. Different pack of dogs? Different pack of dogs, not these. That's wild. I think we need to get tag team on the phone and find out who let the dogs in. Thank you. In case anyone is not in their 40s. One of Epstein's favorite jams.

He loved music, though. He was a music lover. Oh, he was a... He was a philanthropist. He was a philanthropist of music. He was an art lover. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, a lot of good quality. Gone too soon. A lot. No one talks about that. Just like the wine lady. I just think that you smell like meat, and so dogs are following you around all the time. Oh. Oh, yeah, that is possible. But, you know, Scott, the way you think is different than the way an entrepreneur thinks. You know, we don't look at the logical conclusion of these things. This is the mindset. This is the mindset that you've got to get into. So when I see a pack of dogs...

running me down chasing me down coming after me as I'm driving my Rivian I I think you know you look in your rearview mirror there's a shit ton of dogs there's a shit ton of dogs like you're like the Beatles help but it's doggies yeah and fucking rules and the thing is that dogs can't match a Rivian yeah I pull out I'll kill a dog I'll kill a dog and

And I'll blackmail you if I see it. That's right. A lot of dog death on the show. Hey, it's comedy. Oh, plow in the death way. Ah, yes. Copy that. So do you have, I mean, this is obviously a great product. Great product. Do you have another product coming up? Well, another flavor even? Or a scent, if you want to use perfume terms? Yeah, you know, I'm coming up with new scents. The next one I'm coming out with is going to be, is actually going to be cheese scented.

- Cheese scented, but not flavored? - Not flavored. Meat flavored, cheese scented. - That sounds amazing. - Yeah. - Because what's the one thing when you smell meat, what you're thinking? - Oh, I want cheese so bad. - I want cheese with a meat jerk beer. - Exactly. - So bad, my God, I want cheese. - We spent so much on market research to find that out. - When people smell cheese though, they think what? - I'm sorry to only say half that sentence and then leave you hanging, but. - Well, for me, it's I miss my parents. - Oh, right. - Oh, really? - Yeah, the old saying. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I miss my parents.

That's where the phrase the cheese stands alone comes from. It's an orphan that originally is the cheese in that song. Is that the Jeff Garlin movie? I love that movie. The cheese stands alone. No, that's I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With. It's a totally different movie. Don't show your kids I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With. Or anyone, really.

Unless you hate your kids. Oh, I do. They're coming after me like a pack of dogs. You have children. I have children. I'm surprised. Unfortunately, I have several children with several different beautiful women that I'm no longer with. Well, that's awesome. All Russian.

All Russian children. Not the moms. You send them all to Russia to give birth. That's right. Because that's where the OBGYNs can't be expedited. The births can't be expedited. They can't rush the births. Mothers can't be expedited. Behind the Iron Curtain, they take their time. They take their time. They bake them a little extra. Ten months on average.

Giant Russian babies. Giant Russian babies. Do you have a jingle or anything for this or an ad campaign? Yeah, oh, we have a lot of jingles, Scott. You know, jingles. You have a lot of jingles? We have a lot of jingles. I want to hear them all. I feel like that's sort of the opposite of what a jingle is. For the listeners, he's shuffling through a ream of papers here. It's like a Rolodex here of jingles. They're made of glass. Sheets of glass.

Well, you know, what they say is one thing about a business, Scott, you never want one jingle. You want a different targeted jingle for wherever you're advertising. Okay. All right. Well, let's hear. Can I just name a demographic? Scott, you name a very specific demo, though, because now with targeted ads, we can do anything. So, I mean. Okay. Are you sure you spend 99% of your time on improvisers? Here we go. Let's see. How about rapping grannies?

You said specific, right? Yeah, right. Okay, rapping grannies who live in southern Louisiana who are barren and have adopted all of their grandchildren. Okay, we've got barren...

Let's just run through that again. So you got rapid graines in southern Indiana? Louisiana. Southern Louisiana. Yeah. Okay. I'll take that Indiana sheet if you're not going to use that one. And they're barren. Yeah, they're barren. They've adopted their... Are they barren because of their age or...

Look, I'm not going to ask them. They adopted their grandchildren? Yeah. How'd they have their original children? They don't have the original children. Oh, they went straight to granny. They skipped that. So they were just an old crone who became a granny. Technically, they should be moms, but they're too old to be moms, so they say, like, I'm just a good- Just call me granny. And, you know, they're stuck in the rap game, so. Exactly, yeah. So you have something for these people? Yeah, let me look through the files here. Oh, there, yep, this is probably due. This. Oh, my God.

Hey, old granny, your husband's Rick. Would you like to smell like a nice meat stick? You're sitting on your couch watching in Bruges to turn off that stuff in Baton Rouge. You want to smell good. You don't want to be lazy. Snap into the stick and smell like gravy. Okay.

And now pretty soon you'll die and you'll be in a tomb. Sorry, kiddo. You've got a dusty wound. And then it will say. And then the titles come up. Big stinger. Yeah. Oh, wow. That was amazing. That's great you were able to find that because that's labeled under Martin McDonough.

in your chart. The Ambrose reference kills with grandmother. I love that movie. They love the lyrical violence. They love the lyrical violence. It's got something for everybody. You got Gleeson, you got Farrell. It's the dynamic between the two. It really is. Clearly it works. They revisited that. Do they like the Banshees of Injury? They don't like the Banshee. They like the dynamic. They don't like the story. They don't like the fingers being thrown at the door. We drill down into this data, Scott. This is how we sell this stuff. I figured.

And all of their husbands' names are Rick, which is not something that I... Oh, you didn't say that? Oh, no. Oh, no, I thought you said that. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I'm sorry. Too specific a jingle. Too specific a jingle.

imagine someone shutting that jingle off right at that moment well this doesn't intend this doesn't apply to me right yeah but but see but it's targeted target it's targeted marketing so we're able to it only goes to them i would imagine it only goes to them on their television set wow it's because of data because of data targeting ads are getting nuts my algorithm is fucking insane what are you getting i'm getting a lot of like uh

autoerotic asphyxiation safety devices, like inflatable tubes that catch you if you fall. Which is coming out of nowhere for you? Coming out of nowhere. It just startled me. Truly out of nowhere. Choke mats. Yeah, choke mats. Oh, I have a piece of that. Neck tubes is another one. You have a piece of choke mats? Oh, yeah. I'm an early investor in choke mats. What's the jingle for that? I saw that episode of Shark Tank. Can you do a jingle for choke mats? Jingle for choke mats? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. It doesn't have to be a rat.

Oh, it does. No, no. See, Scott, we would never rap at people who do choke mats. Am I right? No, I would not want one. I'm not a big fan of the hip hop. Right. Choke mats. Here we go. And where's this person live? Long Island? Yeah, let's make it Long Island so I can tell you. Well, you're choking your hog out on Old Patchog. That's a place out on Long Island.

And you're feeling so sad. Yes, you're feeling so bad. But I got a way that you'll be smiling. Just put a rope around your neck and put it on the knob.

You will start to whack. Then you'll have an attack. But we've got something for that. It's a choke mat. That's that scene. Wow. That's so romantic. I'm in. That was beautiful. Thank you. Yeah. I know, but I can't believe you guys survived because there was a lot of people who were mad. There was a lot of Brazilian jiu-jitsu guys who bought it not knowing exactly what it was. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they thought it was for something different. Did you have to put a warning label on?

there now warning not for brazilian jiu-jitsu yeah which we call capoeira yeah right

That's in the warning label? Yes, which we call Capware. Smart. I love it. Well, I mean, you're a very talented marketer. Have you made a lot of money doing this? Well, Scott, the big thing about business is you secretly don't have to make money to make money. Really? It's all about just like hype? It's all about moving money from one thing to the next until it runs out. So it's like a pyramid scheme. Invert the pyramid.

Okay, so it's like an upside-down pyramid scheme?

Yeah, and think about all the pressure from the top just pressing down on you. Okay, this sounds stressful. It's a funnel. I am thinking about that. It's a funnel scheme. Oh, this makes more sense. I mean, it's not dissimilar to comedy or podcasting, I'm sure, where you feel the weight of your listenership pressing down on you because the product just isn't what they expected. I'm wildly familiar. I have a new special. That's all I'm hearing. Yeah.

Well, Ben Mon, thank you so much for coming on the show. Would it surprise you to learn, though, we're running out of time on the show? It wouldn't, Scott. And I got to get rid of these dogs. Yeah. Do you need some help with that? Some assistance? That would be great. OK, well, let's do our next feature here on the show first, and then we'll do something about the dog problem. Absolutely. Yeah. If you have any extra dog collars that come loose when you run away. Yeah. Maybe you can use some of the choke mats.

Yeah, well, the dog collar comes with the joke mat. Yeah. Oh, good. I'll buy another one. All right. Well, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called... Would you rather. No, unfortunately, it's not would you rather. This is something called plugs. Plugs. Ooh, nice and short. I love it. That was Scott's perfect length of song, that is, by Trevor Smith. Thank you so much.

Trevor Smith. I love how short that was. A legendary bit moved. A good joke and not wasting anybody's time. I know. We got fucking businessmen, authors. We got people who need to move. I know, exactly. All right, what are we plugging? Adam, obviously we have wallpaper out on YouTube now. Wallpaper, the new special. Wallpaper, the product. Yeah. You get a piece of wallpaper? I get a piece of all wallpaper. Wow. You should talk to me after the podcast. Excellent. Do you have wallpaper ideas? Wallpaper. Yeah.

What's that? Wallpaper? Yeah, wallpaper ideas. I'm sorry, Scott. Are you eating some of your cologne? I took a big bite of cologne, right? Yeah. Right before you said that. Don't you hate that when you buy cologne right before you get into the store? Oh, great. Now I want cheese. See? All right. So wallpaper is out now. Wallpaper is out now. Podcast, The Grawlix Saves the World.

That's right. Yeah. Is that a weekly show? It is a weekly show. Uh, me and my two friends who did those who can't, uh, we call ourselves the Grawlix and we have a podcast every week. We're having a lot of fun. Andrew and Ben. That's right. Yeah. We're still doing it. I love that. Um, and a movie lookout to just watch every movie until yours comes out. Exactly. And I'll, and I'll let you know which one's mine. I'll be outside the theater. Uh, before I get out of here, can I do a quick crowd work clip with you, Scott? Uh,

What's your name? What do you do for a living? My name's Scott. I hate to admit it. I'm a podcaster. That's fucking stupid. All right, great. Thanks, Scott. Got that all on film? You have someone put a very specific font over that and from there- I got a guy we go with lime green. Oh, yeah.

It really makes the numbers pop. Thanks, Scott. Yeah, no problem. I guess. Gino, what do you want to plug? I'm just getting into podcasts these days. Kind of hard. Yeah. And I've been listening to a lot of this podcast called High and Mighty, but also Action Boys, which is like their fucking long ass episode. And as an engineer that, you know, I just like the feat of recording episodes.

Recently, I heard they had to edit down their Lawnmower Man episode because Patreon couldn't legally upload it because it was too much. So it's just under four hours. Is it good? Does it matter? Ran into that with a 10 hour episode of Comedy Bang Bang. You wouldn't think the podcast would have length limitations. Yeah, I know. Listening to them.

But they do. So you can check. I hear you can listen to all their shit over at ActionBoys.biz. And if you're a broke motherfucker or you blew all your money on CBB World because you love the basketball guy, Bill Walton, whatever, you can go to free.actionboys.biz and just get a little sniff and get hooked. Okay. You should let them have everything for free, and then the people who pay for it, you just give them a taste.

Oh, I like that. Yeah. Is this a good business model? I love this, Scott. That's an upside down pyramid. Maslow would not be happy with this, but otherwise I think it'd crush. The pyramid would crush. Matilda, what do you want to plug here? I have two HeadGum podcasts. You have two podcasts? I do. But you have...

You're so busy directing this film and writing this film. I'm a little bit older than you. I'm in my 80s. Oh, I had no idea. And one is called Hey Riddle Riddle, where we solve riddles. And one is called Sitcom D&D, where we do D&D in like a sitcom format. Gino was on season three of that. Gino was on this show? I believe so. Why weren't you here doing this show? Well, I was in town and I popped over to HeadGum and they have all exclusively young, attractive people that work there. So I stuck around for a while. I get it.

This one's in your house and you're just walking around barefoot with your size 14 flippers. I'm not barefoot. I'm wearing socks. Look at those flappers. By the way, my flappers are down here. In Burbank. Benmon, what do you want to plug? I will plug a podcast. Should we take another bite of your cologne? What's going on? Man, this guy's got terrible timing. The dogs are screaming outside. I will plug a podcast that everybody in this room, I think, has been on, except for Adam, but he's coming on.

to plug his podcast, I'm sure, after this. It's called Mega. It's improvised satire from a mega church. You can listen to that wherever. I've been on this show. You've been on this show. So have other people. Gino's been on this show. I have not been on this. My third favorite comedian from Long Island has been on it, John Gabrus, behind Eddie Murphy and Alec Baldwin. That's right. Yeah, we've had both those guys on too. I love Alec Baldwin, man. Poor guy. What a fucking bad rap that guy's got. I know.

Kill one person by accident and now everyone hates you. Do you think they had him look straight down the barrel when they did that? Too soon. Let's do take two. Too late. Much too late. And so, yeah, that's the plug, Scott. That's the plug. That's the plug. Okay, wonderful. Mega! Say it like Satan. Or, yeah, MAGA.

No one gets confused for that? Every now and then they do, and you know what? We welcome it. It's a big tent, Scott. Sure, of course. Speaking of which, big tents. I need you to do a jingle for these big tents at the end. Okay, great. Just make sure your outro is long.

Yeah. Okay. I want to plug CBB World. Gino, you mentioned it. You're welcome. Yeah. CBB World. We have great shows over there. CBB Presents where people who are on this show, they have their own shows. I like that Hey Randy one. Yeah. Randy Snuts has his own show called Hey Randy over there. We have the

the Batman has his own show. Who me? Yeah. Who me? Exactly. The book one, the book one. Yeah. Lily Sullivan has her own show over there. We also do the neighborhood. Listen is over there. I do a movie show called Scott. Hasn't seen where we watch movies that I haven't seen before. And we also have a college town is so great. I'd love to do something on CBB. I would love that. What do you want to do? You did one of the first CBB presents you, you did musical comma,

theater oh right i forgot about that that's right um i i would maybe try to figure out a way you know sort out some ownership rights of yeah what's going on with all that because i think we announced something and yeah well you know sometimes companies fold and still keep your stuff yeah

It's interesting, but we're still waiting. Hey, I'm out there hustling every fucking day. I love that. I'm hustling. Every day. But head over to cbbworld.com and you can get all that stuff. All right. And also, we're doing a show May 8th, I believe, as part of the Netflix is a joke fest. And that'll be here in town in LA. And that'll be hopefully just the precursor to some live shows that we're doing a little later. All right. Let's close up the old plug bag. Oh, baby.

Oh, baby, baby. What they say? Oh, baby, baby. What they say? Oh, baby. C-L. Oh, okay. That was Oh, Baby Seal by Rosie and the Trucks. That's another good length. I love that. Thank you to Rosie and the Trucks if you have a plug theme. Is this a good length, Scott? How is it good length? Please, he's shooting blanks.

Head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and you can hear your songs on the show. All right, guys, I want to thank you so much. Adam, great fifth appearance. Thank you. I'm honored to be here. This is one for the books. I think so. Not your books, hopefully. Well, we'll see. Maybe. You don't want to, yeah. How's this for a title? I did it my way.

I love that. All right. Adam Cadenhall's fifth CB. Okay. All right. Thanks, Matilda. So great to have you on the show. And thank you for lending me $40,000. $40,000? That's going to be the biggest difference. Oh, my God. And Gino, always great to have you on the show. And thank you for lending me 11 credits. Come back more often. When I say that, I mean every show. You're supposed to be here every show. You do not want that, and I guarantee your listeners don't.

And Ben Mons, have you been thinking of any kind of a jingle here? Oh, Scott. Well, let's target this one to the teens. We'll have teens who want a big tent. Is that what you want? Teens who what? Teens who are looking for a big tent? Teens who want a big tent. Yeah, yeah. Okay, here it goes. Hey there, teens. Hey there, chaps. Everybody's welcome under these flaps. It's a big tent, big tent. Not Brazilian capoeira.

Okay, we'll see you next time. Oh, the dogs! They're back! These freaking dogs! The dogs are back! We'll see you next time. Thanks, bye!

The glad girl group coming at you with a throwback jam. That was glad force flex drawstring trash bags featuring pine salt, original scent, and that's better than all good. It's all glad.

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