Martin Short | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. You kind of have a history of like turning things down. Yeah. Right, that you should have. What is that about? Fear, I think. Club. We have had unbelievable lines where there have been people that laughed and the laughs we've had. Club.

How are you? I'm good. Hi, William. Oh, thank you so much. Oh, please. Listen, for this kind of money, it's so exciting. I knew it. Because you give millions of dollars to candidates and to give me nothing. And by the way, thanks for the Uber. I thought he said to this guy. I've given millions to Canadians. You have? Well, I mean, when you play Toronto, the taxes are pretty high.

Oh, you poor thing. Oh, my God. So you finish, like, if you're playing 3,000 people, let's say, at O'Keefe Center or whatever, you leave with nothing, probably, right? Well, it's Canadian money, so it's practically worthless. That's nice of you. No. You're not to be invited back. No. I always loved playing it, but, yeah, well, it's every state. When you see your taxes, you instantly play them. I have no interest in money.

Well, that's very Canadian. Well, it's also because I didn't grow up, you know, I grew up with some money. My father was, you know, a big steel executive, and so... And you have a lot of money. So you don't have to worry about money. It's the people who don't have money who worry about money. Yeah, what's that about? That's so weird. It's like, I want to say, guys, just dip into your inheritance. But they look at me like I'm weird. Yeah. No, I mean, I...

Love the fact I was talking about this is how much are you worth now? Let me guess Well, first of all, even if I knew to the penny I wouldn't say well here's what I will say that I think what about Where's my rum rum? I had rum once here. This looks like that. There it is. Um, I mean this big Brown bottle anyway, you couldn't find no, I know. Um What'd you just ask me?

How much you were worth to this scent? Oh, what's interesting now about that? I don't know exactly is that when I was I remember my first like being in my first house It's like a high school drink, isn't it? Yeah, no High school drink is like Southern Comfort. Yeah, it used to be rye and ginger too when I was a kid but like when I I used to reconcile the checkbook to the penny and

To the penny, you know. What do you mean reconcile? What does that mean? Like the checks come back, the checks you wrote, and then they come back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you look at your own checks. Yeah. And I would, so I could have told you in, you know, 1985 or something, like, how much money I had to the penny. And if it was off, you know, I'd do something about it. That's what Steve said once we were like in, you know, we had finished the show, we're now in the private plane, we're flying along, and I said to him, uh,

I said, did you used to like... Like, he still can't believe you. He always says, can you believe this plane? You know, he's been... He still can't get over how great it all feels. Well... But he said he... Oh, he said in the early days he used to be with a little calculator, calculating, you know, how much he'd made that night. I remember my father, and, you know, it's so...

We have so much in common. Like, for example, we both think you're great. No, but like so many things when I think about my childhood, I think about your autobiography, which is fantastic, I must say. Perfect title also. But I-- Well, I must say, Colin, my life is a humble comedy legend. Right. But I remember my father.

doing we would after church on sunday we would stop at the sinclair station the dinosaur gas yeah and uh which ironically since it comes from dead dinosaurs orban you know so um

Maybe that's why they named the company that. But he would do the... We would pay for the gas, which was probably 29 cents a gallon. Yeah, I know. Or something. And he would have mileage. It was on the back of an envelope he kept in the visor up there. And he would take it down, and there was a pencil, and he would figure out the mileage...

how much gas was going, whatever calculation it was, whatever 29 cents it was going to save him, it was very important that he do that every Sunday. Is that because he was worried about money or just didn't want to waste it? Both. You know, just like an obsessive about, he grew up in the Depression. People who grew up in the Depression do tend to, you know,

be just very, you know, my father. It was also interesting, that generation, they weren't concerned about, you know, was this fulfilling? They were just trying to get food on the table to feed their children and feed the family. Yes, and, you know, when you've gone through that, I've been saying to somebody here recently, I'm so glad that I...

had the experience of poverty i didn't like going through it but i'm very glad i had it because it makes everything well how poor were you i mean you were poor and it's funny you don't pour like by by any definition you're talking about when you're a young man yes when yes by any definition of poor in america not poor in the world no you can go to cuba yeah yeah yeah and yeah

I'm sure there was. You're so sympathetic to poor people. Yeah, right. I know. Poor people. Yeah, yeah. The hovels. Yeah, I got it. Shanties. Okay. Yeah, dirt. We get it. Good, good, good. But in America, if you consider living in shitty apartments, I mean, the worst, yes, I had a, the first step above homeless, just the horrible apartments, bugs everywhere.

You know, no shower, you know, really humble. And also just having to watch the penny. I used to, my first year in comedy, I would go home on the weekends because I couldn't get on at the clubs on the weekends. That was for the big acts. I couldn't get on the week either, but I was at least possible. You know, you could go on at two in the morning in front of a drunk. But so I would go home on the weekends and I would, my mother would save the newspaper.

all week and I'd read them over the weekend to save a quarter to buy the New York Times every day. That's poor. That's poor. So how much would you be making a week? Nothing from comedy yet. Not the first year. Nobody has hired you to do anything. And if you went on at Catch a Rising Star, you got cab fare and a hamburger.

So at some point I was starting to get that. But it's hard to live on cat fat and an hamburger. It's not easy. Although I feel like I did. See, mine was the opposite. So my, you know, I was still in our family house after my parents had died. Because my mother died at 17, my father died at 20, and I was the youngest of five. So, but we still had a housekeeper. So I'd say... Wow, you had a housekeeper? Oh, yeah. So I said to, like, Phoebe Harris, her name was, and I...

Phoebe would say, now, you're going out tonight. Do you need? I said, well, I'm bringing some people back. Don't worry. So we'd come back at 11, about 12 of us all drunken stoned, and there'd be a full tea service set up on the dining room table. You know what I mean? She wasn't quite understanding the group I was bringing back. Is this in the book?

I must have missed this. No, I might have left that out. Seriously? I don't know. Because I don't remember that. What I remember is that you and I, it's like this parallel lives that we were living in our bedrooms in two different countries, like the thing with the tape recorder. When I got that tape recorder, the Wallensack tape recorder, that my father, who worked in radio, he got it, I thought, you know, but it was like, you know, shoebox size. Right. And I would tape the songs off the radio. I taped Johnny Carson's art...

Fern sketches and transcribe them word for word. Oh, I used to write because I had an imaginary television show in the book and I would write a thing for TV Guide, highlights, bottom. Marty and Tony sing medley of songs that weren't nominated, you know, that kind of thing. No, it was so, and I even had a gooseneck lamp.

that I'd put up because even then I knew I needed lighting you know so I'd put it up and I'd record my show and then record yeah I would I was on video no no no audio audio yeah I had a reel-to-reel but I also had a little one with the applause on it oh so I would stop and then and then I would have and then I would you know I was even then at 15 into Sinatra so I would

Like September of my years, I would, you know, but I had to sing in Frank's keys. So I'd go, I still have recordings of this. Someday you'll look around and you're older. You know, and I'm singing songs about songs and love ago. Well, why were, again, these two kids into...

A man alone. I live alone. That hasn't always been easy to do for a single man. Like, now I listen to it, and it's like perfect.

Perfect. I talked about this with Seth MacFarlane recently because he's the third person in the world who knows this album. Is that true? Yeah. Well, who does? It didn't even really sell at the time. Of course not. It was a concept album put out in 1969 written by a gay poet, Rod McEwan, a gay poet. And it's a theme album. Now, it's like perfect for me. A Man Alone album.

learning. Sinatra at the time would have said, I want to do the recording of that marvelous gay poet. He probably would have said other things that were not politically correct. I don't think Frank would have done well in the age of wokeness. No, no, I don't think so. I can't say you're a $2 broad. What are you talking about? I know. Even that has changed so fast. I used to have a joke about Steve that I said, you know, Steve is so amazing because he,

Even when we go to a restaurant, he always knows the waitress's name. And what's amazing is that A, he knows their name, and B, that they're all called Dollface. And you can't even say-- you'd have to say a server now. He says Dollface? No, he doesn't. It's a joke.

But I used to have a joke in our show, like at the end, because we kind of merged shows. I had my own show and Steve had a banjo show and eventually we merged them. And you know, in my show, a woman would bring out a glass of champagne at the end and I'd say, I like my champagne like I like my women. Compliments of the Capitol Theater. And then someone came up to me and said, you know, you can't do that anymore. And I said, but everyone is laughing. Everyone is laughing at that.

Why can't I do it? Oh, you're so 20th. Laughing? Have you seen comedy lately on Netflix and a lot of the places that have some of the younger comedians? Laughing is, that's frankly kind of corny. Like doing jokes and getting laughs. No, it's about feelings, Marty. Maybe you should catch up with the times. Do you know how you feel about things? I'd kill for it to be about feelings. It'd be so much easier. I could bring up my parents.

My parents died. You lost everybody. I lost everybody. You could do the victimiest show ever. You lost everybody before their real time. Your brother, your mother, your father, your wife. All the most important people in your life. It's amazing that you perfectly balance between the right amount of grief and the like, no, but I'm still Martin Short and life does go on.

Well, and a weird thing with my, you know, my wife was different. We were together for 38 years. That's a horrible tragedy that I still live with. My parents and my brother, it was a weird thing. I don't know why. Because what I knew was that at 20, I knew something that no one else at 20 knew about loss and death. Right. So I think in that thing, you know, if I had become a drug addict and a drunk, they would have said, well, you know, because he lost his parents and brother.

and so what's my excuse i don't know no i think that it just um for me it was kind of i don't know it wasn't you know also 1970 in hamilton there was no you didn't go to a therapist you just rode your bike and tried to figure it out and that kind of muscle yeah you know protects you your whole life why do you think two 15 year old boys

who cannot understand this man's point of view at all. He's looking back on his life. He was 50ish when he recorded it. And it's all about, you know, everything is very wistful about decades of the girls along the way. There was a girl in Portland. We used to court on. Yeah, it's all about, you know, it was weird back then. Nothing we could relate to. No.

No, but also, even in his album September of My Years, he's 50 talking about, you know. Yes, but we didn't, but that's not the one we clung to. No, no, no, no. We love this man alone. I know every word. And also, it can make me cry. And there was, yes, and there was poetry that Frank read, not sang. Yes. In between, and some of it's very dark, empty, right?

Empty is Scott. Empty is... Yeah, then there's a song, but before that it's like empty. And then there's one about...

Can just about get through the day, but then I make me nervous. Well, by the way, that's kind of brilliant, isn't it? Not for any particular reason It just sometimes catches you and follows you around like a woman when she wants something you remember that line absolutely like A little hint that the author was a gay guy. It was like how girlfriend and

When you want something. No, I never interpreted it that way. Well, no, now I do, now that I know it. Well, I think even as a kid I understood the Rod McEwen angle, although maybe, do you think they printed that back then? Would they even have said? No, no, no. They would have said homosexual. No, no, he never, I never knew he was gay. Till now? Well, no, no, no, I'd heard whisperings. Right. In the last decade. Because everyone's whispering about Rod McEwen. I saw you at the Globes.

Yes. You're such an A-lister. It's very nice that you would still slum here with your old comedy friends. Well, I just want to see how you're doing. Because you're always, you're in those smoky clubs. Yeah, smoky clubs. No, you, you are, yeah, you're an A-lister. Wait a second. Why? Like your crowd. You're not an A-lister. No. In what way are you?

Well, I don't know. Other than you don't know anyone. I know them. They don't want to be with you. Some of them don't. Yes, that's true. Who's the biggest A-lister? I'm definitely not woke. Who's the biggest A-lister you've pissed off? There are woke assholes who, like a lot of this town are woke assholes, actually, who like they really think their shit don't stink and

They don't know a lot, again, about stuff, but they definitely know what they should know. And people who don't agree with that, they just don't want to be around. They don't want to breathe the same air. And, you know, it's not like I'm a Trumper or something. I mean, those people they wouldn't even talk to. And I think that's a very bad thing for this country.

when you don't talk to each other. No, it's insane. But there is an insanity also about facts don't matter anymore, the alternative facts approach. On both sides. Yes, worse on the right, and they invented it. Yeah, but you know, I do think that's different. You can say on both sides everything, but when it's here and here... Well, I mean, yes, I always say the right is worse. It's still worse to deny democracy, but...

That's not even a democracy bill. That's conceptual to a lot of people who don't understand it. It's denying January 6th. It's denying just the alternative facts. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I don't think anyone was harder or meaner on Trump or more prescient about how he was not going to leave office. You really were. As you know, I'm a fan. I appreciate it. And I watch you every week. And you said that you were the first person to say it.

And everyone would be on your show saying, well. Yeah, they were all poo-pooing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was so much poo-poo around that stage. And it's only because, in fairness to the poo-pooers, it seemed so improbable. It seemed like a fan, that they would go, even Donald Trump wouldn't have the Capitol stormed. No, it was so obviously inevitable. Yeah. He's not a guy who changes.

No, the one thing you can say about Donald Trump, he's transparent. But here's what... Because there's nothing serious. Here's what they say to that about, like, you know, denying facts. And I understand it to a degree because I spent a long time lecturing the Republicans on how ridiculous it was to deny what was happening with the environment and global warming. Right. And now I have to talk... And they would say, well, you know, climate change is just a theory. Right.

And now there's people on the left who think that biology is just a theory. You know, it's that kind of stuff. Men can have babies kind of stuff that makes people go, Trump is nuts. That's true. We know that. But this is a different kind of nuts that's closer to my house because you're, you know, my kids are coming home from school and they're like, am I queer? Because like, it's great that we could like let kids come out and be themselves when they are, but they're...

It's gotten a little like entrapment with the FBI. A lot of times they catch a terrorist group, the FBI, and it turns out, well, these guys really weren't going to do anything, but an FBI agent got in there and kept suggesting it. Wouldn't it be great if you showed the infidel a thing or two by blowing up that bank? I could get you some explosives. This is called entrapment. Right. Okay, so it's like, because we have this principle that, well, you shouldn't,

punished for just accepting the suggestion because the suggestion is a little leading. I think that's somewhat what goes on in schools. That's what some parents are complaining about. It's like, we're not against homosexuality, but when every book is, you know, Bobby can wear a dress, it

The kid gets it in his head, you know, and it's a confusing time. I mean... No, no, no. I'm saying I know many, you know, I raised my kids in the Catholic schools. You did? Not intentionally.

But the school was close to us and it was the best school. It's always the best school. Yeah. And so we said, and then I didn't realize, of course, because I went to public school that, you know, by eighth grade, they want to go to high school with their friends. So suddenly they're all in high school, Catholic high schools. And so but I have a lot of good friends who are Republican, who are Catholic, who

And they don't like Trump. Right. They don't like him, but they think the left is nuts. Exactly. That's what they always say to me. What you don't get about us is we don't like him either. But he's a bulwark between this kind of crazy stuff. Because he just looks, you know, he wants the old America and there's some bad things with the old America. But.

But now it's a different bill. Now, this is not Trump in 2016. This is really, really, really unleashed Trump. And it's more, I think... I think he's exactly the same. He was... Everyone's going to be Stephen Miller. If he's elected president, it will be, you know... Well, it's definitely going to be worse because he already... Elise Stefanik will be VP. You're going to have Stephen... Secretary of State Marjorie Taylor Greene. Well, like an opportunistic infection, he has learned...

And what? From the first time, he has grown stronger, as infections do. No, he's not the problem. He's mentally unstable. Very much. It's the people around him that should be ashamed. The Ted Cruz, the Joshua. Maybe they should be ashamed, but it's very much about him. It's all about him.

It's so funny. Like when Biden was elected, the whole deal kind of was like, just vote for me. I know I'm not perfect. I'm this old dude. Nobody really likes me. But here's the deal. If you elect me, we can stop thinking about Donald Trump. That's true. We do still think about him. He's on there every day. It just never stopped. I don't think he—

But even in the last month, I thought, okay, let me guess. Trump, Hunter. Yep. Okay. I can't do it. I need a break. Why do you still watch all that news? It's bad for you. I know it is. No, no, I'm shocked. I never watch cable news anymore. Really? Or any news. I used to watch the nightly news for years. Who do you get your information from? Make it up? I'm hearing. That's it. I'm hearing. It's whatever happens.

I'm hearing. What I'm hearing. Well, you need more than that? No, you don't. No facts. No facts. I'm hearing. No, from reading. Reading people I respect and, you know, I'm the newspaper. I don't want to get started on the New York Times, but that's just not the paper it was when I was a kid, and it's annoying in a zillion different ways. Yeah, but that's like an older guy. You know, when I was a kid, the paper was what I liked. Well, I could actually show you...

Passages from, because sometimes I've saved things and I look from passage from 1990 and it's something they would never write today. And then they write stupid things today. It's a completely different generation that has a completely different idea about journalism. And the opinion page is every page. That is a fundamental difference. I did not change, Mr. Short. They changed. The front page used to be just the news, just give me the facts. The headline today was something like, Trump's victory, something the nation's psyche says.

What the fuck are you, that's not a headline. That's your lead, it was like Trump's, he just won Iowa. Trump's victory, like something, I forget what, something in the nation's psyche. Oh, you mean, so yeah, I see what you mean. So it's like an editorial as opposed to just give me the facts, ma'am. That's just somebody's thought. Yeah.

That's different and fucked up. So what's your favorite newspaper? Where do you get your... Oh, I don't have a favorite newspaper. USA Today probably, but I very rarely see it. Jay Leno used to call it America's school newspaper. Such a perfect description of it. But I don't know. I don't get it from newspapers. I like the Free Press. That's my friend Barry Weiss.

her organization. She is fantastic. Yes, she and her wife are amazing writers. She's a great podcast.

Yeah, it's the whole thing is, and they have writers I like. I love Andrew Sullivan is on my first. I love Andrew Sullivan. Yeah, I mean, people like that who are sensible, they're all liberal. They're all by any standard liberal. Well, Andrew, I thought was conservative. You know, I think he's pretty, he was, again, they switched the goalposts. I think he's always been, yeah, a little right of center. He is a devout Catholic.

But, you know, he's...

I don't know. I don't remember where he was in 1990 or anything, but I think he's always been a sensible guy. Maybe he, you know, people change a little, but no, I just think he's reacting, as I am, to the times and to the changes on both left and right. No, I know. I totally agree. I actually agree. No, I do. I do. I agree that it's a struggle. That's why I, you know, a lot of people can't keep their, if they're left, they can't keep their right friends. And I totally think that's,

a mistake. That's what I'm saying. It's horrible. But I also understand the frustration from the right to the left and left to the right, obviously. To get back to what brought this up, you asked me, are there people in this town who wouldn't? Who's the biggest A-lister you've pissed off? That's what we started. I can't think. I don't know. I don't know directly, but

In general, you just know. I mean, I've had some pretty famous actors here, and it's like they live in a different reality sometimes. And they don't want... Artists...

like thinking ain't their big thing, a lot of them. It's what, with notable exceptions, but like they perceive reality like artistically. I've known this. I've dated artistic, like women who are artists and it's like, okay, like the way we just get information and process it is very different. It's an artistic interpretation and I can't live in that world. I like reality, you know? And like there's, like you're a very reality-based star, right?

And a great star, as Don Riggles would say. You're a great star. Thank you. Well, it's just so weird to be a star. But you are one of the few celebrity panel that we have on the panel. We have, in real time, very few celebrities do the panel.

Anybody can do a one-on-one, and it doesn't-- but you can go from crazy man you to like in 30 seconds, you're making a really salient, serious point. That's a skill very few people have. That's why very few celebrities

Do the panel. I mean most of them don't they scared to do it of course and they should be there idiot Well, this is why the a listeners don't like you Well, they are well not all of them. There's a few there's well, of course this idiots in every industry. It's just here they speak I mean, it's like no and they're all just so indoctrinated into kind of like the same group think and

You know, you just really need a chisel to pry your way in there and try to get like just some other thought. And, you know, it's OK. But yes, that is one reason why. Well, we started with me at the Golden Globes and I'm an A-lister. That's how we started. You are such an A-lister. You're at these things. You're in the company. Well, because I'm nominated. What am I supposed to not show up? But I'm just saying your whole...

I'm trying to give me a compliment. I know you are, and I'm not accepting it. I know. And look, I don't miss this at all. I remember all the years I went to the award shows. Oh, my God. And you could not wait to get home and rip off that fucking monkey suit and eat some food. And it was just like, stop smiling. And it's just, ugh.

It was exhausting. Not like I'm complaining about my life. Yeah, I know, I know. It's been a horrible day. And you're in a tuxedo and you're surrounded by Cher. The next day when I was in the shale mine with a pick, I was like, this is better. No. Okay, I understand how privileged I am. Okay. But it was gross. I will tell you, the Golden Globe this year. I don't miss that world. It was insane how many famous people were there.

And maybe because of the, I don't know, it's the first award, I don't know, it was packed with every table was legendary. Yeah, biggest show business was fired for six months and they were looking back to get back.

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You know what's so interesting about your... What's interesting? I killed to hear something interesting. That's so cruel. I know it isn't. No, it isn't. It's filled with love. It's filled with love. You know I love you. I do. We have dinners. You know, La Dolce Vita is back. I was there just recently. Yeah, it's hipper. I didn't see a big change except that... The carpet. Was that really? There's a carpet.

I'm telling you. They closed for six months, put it in the carpet. Playing a detective really paid off. Thank you so much. I'm no fool. I'm looking everywhere. But even though, who are you up against? You're up against somebody who beat you. Oh, I lose all to the bear. The bear. Yeah, I guess I got to catch up with the bear. But the whole concept is so silly. Like,

Just the competition. Why is it two completely different universes and we're trying to compare them? I know. It's all promotion for you. It is. Yes. No. Madonna once said it to Kanye West. I read. She said, you don't go to an award show expecting justice. And that's really the, you know, so. But Kanye had all his teeth removed, I heard, today.

are you is this a no no and putting a platinum like uh the bond villain

No, I'm serious. I'm serious. Wait. I don't have all my facts, but platinum teeth or something. Had all his teeth removed? Yeah. It always amazes me when people do cosmetic things that have serious repercussions for actual health. Well, I've always been amazed by tattoo because I look at myself in the 80s and I have like Robert Culp glasses and a...

beaver cleaver hairdo. And I think, what if I had tattooed that look on my face in 1982 and that was the look forever? I know. Could there be anything stupid than to lock in your feelings in ink at the age of 20? That's right. You know, there's one thing you said that was really, I've quoted a million times.

About you said when I was 12, I wanted to be a pirate, but I'm glad my parents didn't cut off a leg and take one eye out. Yeah Yeah, I know But that's the that was the trans thing and look we don't we don't want to get in on serious issues here You're a big star. You're a fantastic star. By the way, I didn't say you did. I'm an a-lister

You are an A-lister. And I don't think it's just because you're a power couple with Meryl Streep. I mean, that's certainly... We're not a couple. We are just very close friends. Oh. Well, you should, because there's nothing more powerful than Hollywood than a power couple. That's why they always... Work for the Burtons. They always...

for Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. It worked for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Everybody, they're like an electron. Roseanne and Tom Arnold? And a proton. Like, they need to, they circle each other until they, you know, I'm not quite up on the chemistry, but suddenly

It's like being with a scientist. An electron and a proton have to find each other. And they just have to find each other. And they do. Because look at Timothee Chalamet and Kylie Jenner now. And by the way, I know you don't think so, but they're going to last. Yeah. Somebody had a joke. Because if they break up, I've got to look in the mirror in the morning and say, what do I believe in anymore? Somebody...

tried to sell me a joke. I didn't do it. Maybe I should have about when Rihanna and A$AP Rocky got together and the joke was, and that's how I predict this will end. A$AP Rocky. What? And that's how I predict this relationship will end. A$AP and Rocky. I know a great joke. I remember a great joke you did years ago when you, when, um,

I guess Kanye and Kim named their first child Northwest. Northwest, yeah. Yeah, and you said, you know she's going to be an actress, and I can't wait for the casting director to come in and say, you know, I'm sorry we've gone in a different direction. I said that? Yes. I have zero recollection of that. That is great. Yeah. Well, I have some great monologue writers. Oh, my God. Yeah. It really, really, really is a great...

It's a perfect concept. You know, as you know, I used to do politically incorrect with you. I don't know that. You don't remember that? Do you remember that sign? What sign? That sign right there, that giant politically incorrect. It was there. I was on with Sarah Ferguson once.

Sarah Ferguson? Princess. Princess, oh. Yeah, the Duchess of York. I got in trouble on a show. Yes, you did. That was the one. Okay, let's not go into it. Okay, we don't need to go into it. But I will tell you, you said something was like a little controversial. Yeah, more than a little. And then you turned to me and said, aren't you going to say anything? I said, I'm not going to say anything. Yeah.

Well, you always were more mature. Oh, that's what I was going to say. Like you and your room, me and my room. Now, my room was like honestly not much bigger than this configuration we're sitting in now, just this square. I literally was able to paper my wall once with something I made.

Okay, so I'm in my room and you're in your room and you're actually doing a show. Yeah. You're dreaming of show business, but actually doing a show. I had a deal with NBC. I was 14. Imaginary. And even then, I knew I was on Tuesdays at 8 p.m., but every...

other Tuesday because I needed time for my film career. I used to sit on the back of a bus. This is true. A back of a bus, you know how a bus, like the backseat window. Yes, I know a bus. Well, I don't remember. I remember I was poor, unlike you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little Lord Fauntleroy. But I used to pretend I was in a private plane.

And wave. No, it was so imaginary. Okay, but here's the difference between us, I think. I don't know, maybe you did the same thing. I did not have my own show in my little room. We were both dreaming about show business. I channeled it differently. What I did, beginning at the age of 12, was masturbate.

And the fantasy was always that I, at 12 years old, had a talk show. Wait a second. Let me understand how this works. It was in a tent. You were masturbating. Yes. But not to a pretty girl. Oh, yeah. Masturbating to all the guests.

who were coming on my, or who were fans or whatever. But I imagined I had a, I was a kid with a talk show. That was like the hook. And it was in a tent. We shot it in a tent in my backyard.

And this is why you're masturbating. Yes, because you have to have a scenario when you're masturbating. Okay. Don't you? I consider myself one of the saner masturbators in the world because I have no weird fantasies. Mine were just like, oh, this super hot chick digs me a lot and wants to fuck me. I mean, that's healthy. But what does that do with the talk show? Because why else would a super hot chick want to fuck a 12-year-old? Because, oh, you mean you have that kind of power? I,

I had a talk show. I had a show. I'm saying you did your show in my room. I did mine in my mind. And it was all about... I think my story is the story of a very healthy young man who would eventually end up in show business. I think we're both... I think your story is more...

Perverted and filled with... It's not per... No, no. Oh, it's odd. It's not perverted. It's odd. No, no. It's odd. To masturbate to like, oh, because I'm now Johnny Carson and Angie Dickinson wants to have sex with me? Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it is. And by the way, the perfect name. And why is that unhealthy? I didn't say... Did I say unhealthy? Yeah, kind of. I meant just sick. Don't confuse my words. I'm not a big literate guy like you.

No, you're not. No. Anyway, no. No, you are. I bet you. Ah, shut up. I bet you. I'm drunk now. Fuck you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you're Bill Maher. Who cares? I thought this was America. Yeah. I worry about my freedom.

Well, come on. One thing I love about your show with Steve, besides the fact that I've watched it twice, it just kills me both. No, you can watch that show twice, and it's funny the second time. I thought you made just two episodes. No, I'm talking about your stand-up show. Oh, my stand-up show. The special with Steve. The other show I watch also, but I don't watch it twice because I know who the murderer is now. Okay. But...

You guys play Red States. We play everywhere. You play everywhere. And we need more of that. Not specifically for me. I'm not going to do it. But people will go out there and the audience can be guaranteed an experience where they don't have to think about politics every fucking second. And we don't have to shoehorn politics. That is true. Into every. That is true. Like.

I do think that the audiences at this time, especially when you said don't watch, you know, network news all the time and at CNN, they need a respite. They need to breathe in, breathe out and not be told and not half the audience be told you're stupid because you don't agree with me. Especially with comedy. Yeah. You know, so. I mean, I have a like I'll do a joke, an innocuous joke like, you know, Steve and I are like

We're a team. We're like Trump and the MyPillow guy without the sexual tension. That's an easy joke. That's a silly joke. Right. You can dip your toe there. And I'm just saying, we do different things. This is the exact opposite of what I'm doing, but it's ironic.

We both attract a mixed crowd. You just don't know who in your crowd is for which side. But I guarantee you, both sides are represented in that audience. I think so. And I'm amazed. I know they are. We play all these different states and the audiences are all the same. Right. They're all great. And they are a mix of political... Of course they are. Okay, but that's not the case with a lot of things that are going on now. A lot of shows, there's no mixed crowd at Coachella. You know, there's not a bunch of fucking...

stuck up there as Republicans there. What I do is, like, now I do get a more mixed crowd. It's still, I would say, 70-30, but, like, that's good because that way, you know, the conservatives, they get their jollies laughing at making fun of stupid woke shit and, you know, the other people get their Trump is an insane...

horrible human being and we can't have it again. No. And they all, they can laugh at each other's jokes against them, so to speak. And that is a greatly satisfying thing in my career at this point, to be able to attract a politically mixed audience. And do you play every state? Do you play every state?

I probably have played every state. I think of you as playing every state. Name a state you think I might not. I may not have been to one. North Dakota. Played it. South Dakota. Yes. I don't think I played Wyoming. I don't think I played Wyoming. I played Idaho. I played Boise. You go to Boise? I don't think we've, I can't, you know. Were you too good? Why, because you're an A-lister? Oh my God, never. Here's the thing.

First of all, in every state there's going to be people that love Bill Maher. No, really, I'm serious. No state just has one. No, absolutely. That's why I play all over, and so do you. Yeah. I'm just saying it's important. What are you doing? Cutting off the ash part. How come? How come? Because I don't want to smoke ash? You did in the old days.

I love jokes that are just rhythm. There's no meaning there. There's not a hint of meaning. Nothing. It's just you pulled it off with just talent. Yep. Thank you so much. No meaning. No, it had no meaning. No, just talent. It looked like it should be funny. It could get a reaction and then people on the way home might say. Exactly. There's no joke there. It's like what a con man does on the way off the used car lot. There you go. Yeah.

What were we talking about? It was so important to me. Playing different... I just think it's important that we not give up on the idea of, as ridiculously polarized as we are, of trying to get back to some... I can sit next to the guy who... Yes, even a Trumper. They're half the fucking country. You know what? Try to understand more than just condemn. I get it about him, too. It's been eight fucking years now...

Just kind of accept, like, he's a liar. Yeah, I know. I did 10 editors about that before, you know. It was him to call him a liar? Well, just whatever. I mean, when he sued me, I had a whole big thing. It was before his trial. Anyway, point is, like... What happened to that lawsuit? This is already baked in the cake. Can we move on to just... But what happened to that lawsuit? It just gets thrown out by the courts? Is that what happens? It was hysterical. I mean, he was suing me because I said his mother was an ape.

He was fucked by orangutan. And then he produces his birth certificate in court to show that the mother wasn't. I mean, he really did that. At a time right after he forced Obama to show his birth certificate. So I literally forced him to show his birth certificate in a way that no sane person would have ever. But I mean, does it get thrown out of court? How does it work? It went to court.

He wanted the $5 million. I said, I will give you $5 million if you can prove your mother wasn't fucked by the orangutan. You said that? Yeah. No, I know. And then he literally went into it. I have the letter. I prize it. It's one of my prize possessions from the lawyer. Mr. Trump was legally married and they show the...

I mean, it's just insane because he wanted his $5 million. And the judge, of course, read it and went, get the fuck out of my courtroom. Good, good, good. Yeah. That's one of the bad parts of our judicial system is that there's almost no penalty for just trying anything.

Absolutely agree. And the appeal on top of the appeal on top of the appeal. But just, you know, like I can just say, you know, Martin Short is a cannibal. I happen to know it. I saw him eating human flesh. You in Hollywood, his A-list friends, you decide if you want to stand behind him. But I saw him punching an army hammer once just to get to a rib. Yeah.

No, and he's not accountable either. But, like, I could say that. And, like, if then you take me to court liable and, like, I am not accountable. I've lost work over this. I was doing a commercial for Kraft Foods. That went away. And, you know.

And would I win? Would I win? There would be no, the judge would throw it out probably, but there would be no penalty on me for having done that to you. It was, it would be like, hey, I took a shot. Yeah. Yeah. I knew it was bullshit. I took a shot. You got me. Okay.

I'll try it again. And that's why Trump— But what if I'd lost work? What if I'd actually lost the craft service contract? I don't know. I mean, obviously different cases result differently. And you're no big legal mind. Well, I'm not compelled.

completely ignorant. Did I say you were ignorant? I said you were a big legal mind. F. Lee Bailey and you are never used in the same sentence. Let's put it that way. No, but you know what? I've learned, and this is, don't say that I'm on some sort of anti-expert diatribe, but yes, that's true. We have become too skeptical of experts, but we should be skeptical of experts in general.

In what way? Well, I certainly feel like this is proved over and over again in the medical field. Like doctors, you know, they disagree with each other. We obviously don't know lots of fundamental things like how do you cure cancer and why do you get it.

lots of stuff that is fundamental that we just don't have a handle on yet. We're trying, but so don't come to me with, well, the experts say, which ones? Because I can come up with experts who disagree and they have the same degree. I kind of go with the majority. You know, you're always going to find a doctor that says blank. Not just a doctor. I'm talking about- But if it's 3% versus 97%, I'm going to go with the 97%. Well, it's not 3%.

Well, let's say it is. If you get something and you go to a doctor, something complicated, they will always say, get a second opinion. That's true. And OK, well, why does that work for you personally but not in general? Because I think there are second opinions. Exactly. There are second opinions. It's not 3%. Because I've had this happen. And it's never the same opinion. In fact, it's very often the exact opposite opinion.

So, I'm just saying, experts, and legally too, I don't know, I'm not a lawyer, but I just know that the legal system is never about the truth. It's just about what you can prove and who... And if you have the money to keep hiring the lawyers... The money, who the judge is that day, what his biases are, what did he have for breakfast, you know, lots of things...

You're right, not a great legal part. But instinctively... No, the instinct's there. It's always been there. I'm not wrong. I did a special once, a stand-up special, and that was the title. But I'm not wrong. I feel like that really stood the test of time. I feel like that a lot. Like people are like, oh, Bill, how can you? Yeah, I know, how can I? But am I wrong?

Right. I mean, isn't that what people like about it? Did you see the poll? I'm like the most trusted man in America now. I could show you two. Is that true? Yeah. Well, they did a thing. It was a headline. I'm going to show it on the show Friday. It's like you have the most trusted media, like more than like Tucker Carlson and Jake Tapper and like.

Yeah, it was some. Well, I think probably because you go in both directions. And I mean, yeah, because I know you're going both directions because you do. You don't. I mean, Tucker just defends. I say I say what I think about that's right. Both sides and both sides. You know, and I think that is a very I mean, that's kind of what you've always done. It is what I've always done. It's just that in years past, the left gave me less to work with.

They are the comedy fodder, the political parties. And Obama was not funny, which was great. He wasn't a buffoon. And he wasn't crazy woke. He spoke, he has great quotes against, well, this woke shit is hurting us and got to stop. That's not what, I'm a liberal. I ain't this other stuff. And so there was less to make fun of.

Then, you know, around the time Gen Z becomes ascendant and there's a guy who wrote a book about this, that's when you see just a real change in like sensitivity and just lots of stuff that went way into crazy town.

It is always a pendulum that kind of writes itself at one point, but it has to go over here, it seems, to land in the place of Muslim. But the problem is that we thought the millennials were where the pendulum was up here and it would backlash with the Gen Z. But actually the pendulum just went all the way up to the top. No, but even look at cancel culture. It has subsided, don't you think? It has not. You don't think so? Of course not. I mean, all you have to do is...

I was just talking about this with Harvey Levin on his thing tonight before you got here. It's just potluck. Some people...

Like they can say almost anything and they skate. And other people, you know, just, it's, you I think could get away with anything. Not anything, but like. Is the whole A-lister thing? You have A-lister, great goodwill, funny, and you know, there's a humanity. You don't stay on the scene as long as you have. Like very few people are working at your age of 87. 88. Thank you. Thank you for going under. Yeah.

That's very kind. I bet you you will be working at 88. George Burns was.

Yeah, I think you have to quit when the voice gets all shaky. I think that's when you have to leave. I could do this all night, but just from my point before about modern medicine, like we get, we romanticize how much better it is than it was in the past. Yes, it's great. We don't rub dirt in wounds anymore and stuff like that. Bleeding, leeches are out. We don't put, you know, wooden teeth in people's mouths, but that was not that long ago. Don't talk to Kanye. Right.

He's got the titanium. Thank you. Right. But yes, we're the best we've ever been. We're still like at the beginning of really understanding how it all works. Besides the big diseases, there's like thousands of ones. They call them rare diseases that...

People get shit and they just don't know I know we're trying to figure out these biggies and I mean I'm hearing a podcast Today and Mark Ruffalo was on and I didn't know the story where he talked about having a dream Because he had an earache he had a dream that he had a brain tumor and then he goes to his doctor and said I know I'm an actor and I had this dream and

And he had a brain tumor. Oh, really? And he had a brain tumor. He lost hearing in one ear. It was benign, but it affected his face. This is when he was like 33. And he found out about this because he had a dream about it? He had a dream about it, yeah. And the dream was so convincing that... He just thought, I know I'm being an idiot. And he kept thinking, I know the doctors think I'm a moron actor.

But my doctor said, all right, we'll do a CAT scan and you'll see that it's just on your head. And they had a mess. And it wasn't his head. It wasn't his head. No, but it's an amazing story. And he said his wife is about to have a baby. This is something you don't want to get. I don't want to get that. Right. No. Yeah.

I don't know what I want to end up getting. Don't think about it. Come on. Why would we think about those things? Oh, I actually don't. Because I'm still 73, but I'm not particularly aware of that. I'm not hobbling or I'm still running around on the stage in a nude suit. So I have no perception of that.

Okay, but you know the line, not that everything revolves around a man alone, but except when the darkness comes. Yes, I know that. Except when the darkness comes. I stay busy. I'm not morbid in general. But when I get up in the middle of the night to pee, as we all do. Not me. Really? No, once in a while. At your age, you don't get up in the middle of the night. I just go in the bed.

That was not what I was expecting. I thought it was going to be a positive thing. It actually turned out to be even more negative. No, no, no. I actually... Go ahead. Let's hear about all your prostate problems. No, I'm just saying that's when I think morbid thoughts. I don't know why... Oh, really? Yeah, I don't know why that moment of the day... I guess because you got up in the middle of the night, you were sleeping, and then...

Now you're not saying, you know, it's going to have to get back to sleep. And yeah, that's when it's like things like that. And it's like, it's pointless. I don't think about it. I think more like, you know, guy at LAX. Hey, Grimley was my brother. You know, like Garp or something. I think about that. That's so funny. Morbid, but funny. Thank you. Right. Right. Somebody who never know. Right.

Well, they don't usually assassinate, not to undercut your A-list status, but people quietly abuse that. Not that you haven't done very well at show business, but you're just not on the Gandhi level. You know what I'm saying? You're not Gandhi. According to you. You're not John Lennon. According to you. You're not Lincoln, was a friend of mine. I know. You're no Abraham Lincoln.

You're done amazing. You were an American cousin that night, weren't you? What? This is an American cousin. Thank you. See, I'm a historian. I see. Yeah. I started a diary, you know, as a Canadian, but I started a diary the day Kennedy got shot. And it was made up like a diary, like I made the pages and did the lines, you know. And the opening is November 22nd. President John F. Kennedy was shot by some, in quotes, nut.

Wow. I was 13. So back then, news like that reached Canada? It did. Not right away. This is now after Christmas we heard. That was something I found fascinating in that book you wrote, that in your childhood, Canada was much more of a different country. American Canada became very similar. I mean, just like a big blue state now.

Yeah, but... Like in your day, like you couldn't get certain products that you'd see on the map. Oh, Bosco. Bosco. When I first came, one of the first things I did when I went to Buffalo from, went to the supermarket, just squeezed that Charmin. It is soft, I thought. Why, because you didn't get it there? We didn't get Charmin, we didn't get Ipana toothpaste, and we didn't get Bosco. And these were, I only watched American television through Buffalo, so I never watched Canadian television. So I was dying to get these things.

It is amazing that period in the early 70s when you were in Godspell and the amount of talent that came out of that milieu, the Toronto, not just all the SCTV people.

but like Victor Garber, right? Danny Aykroyd. And Paul Schaeffer, and right, Gilda Radner. Gilda, well, we all did this production of Godspell, and we were all in it. Ivan Reitman, the director, wasn't he? Who? Ivan Reitman. Ivan Reitman, I met him at McMaster University at school. Okay, I mean, it's like there was a real flowering. It was kind of a little bit like Paris in the 20s. I mean, there was all the, I remember meeting Danny Aykroyd

And, you know, he just was always working on his car. Do you know what I mean? He was not. But I met Danny at Gilda's birthday in because I have a slight Rain Man thing. It was June 28th, 1972. And now we were rehearsing Godspell and Gilda's birthday. And Danny Aykroyd and his then comedy partner, Valerie Bromfield, played Gilda's parents in

from Detroit and stayed in character the whole night. And I thought, who are these people? And then I remember now I was dating Gilda, and I'd be driving her white Volvo, and Danny and Valerie would be in the back, and I'd deliberately get lost because they were so funny. I didn't want to let them-- I mean, I had never experienced anyone who improvised on that level that those two did. You know, the best pot never leaves the home country.

You know what I mean by that? No. Well, like the best comedy is in the back of the car. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No matter how much we try to bottle it and put it out for sale. And in your case, try to get more than just a hamburger at the comedy store. Yeah.

The best pot never leaves the country. That's what I try to do with this. It has been such a joy to sit with you because you know what?

We don't get together enough because we're all so busy with our own lives. What makes us get together is it's a job. Not even a job. It's just like it's something formal. No, but you and I have had... Many times. We've had dinners. Many, many. We've just, we've funned each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm just saying, would we just sit here and get drunk? Which is what I really want to do with you. Yeah. We don't do that. So it's great. Wait, Hollywood. Well, that means...

Might be an offer. Yeah. That means it's time for our lightning round. Exactly. That's my old answering service. You just have three words on it. I'll take it. Do you remember dates like that? You just said I'm sort of a Rain Man thing. Yeah. Like you said June 20th. Yeah. I remember dates. I'm not good at math, but dates stick in my mind. Once I know your birthday, I never forget it.

I don't know your birthday. March 26. I'll never forget it. See? What is it?

Well, that was too easy. Yeah, that was good. Come on. That was very good. That was professional. No, no, you're good. That was professional comedy. You're good. I've always said you're good. I set you up like a fucking... I know. I know. No, I don't remember theaters, but I remember dates. I can remember... I would say to Nancy, you know, when do you think we first went to Paris? And she'd say, I don't know, 78, 82, and I would know the month.

And the thing. I'm the same way. I'm the same way. I could name, yeah, and I keep a fuck. Oh, Steve and I will, I'll say something. Oh, yeah, I remember that party you had. It was 1989. He just looks at me and says, fuck you. Because he can't. Also, if you name a movie, I usually can get the year. Like, I usually can remember the year of the movie. Okay. Love Story. 70. Very good.

you agree yeah no i think it's 70 yeah or maybe 71. no i think it's 70. okay did you ever one of the greatest raging bull oh raging bull would be 84. 80. really yes see now this is not my gift but did you ever see the carol burnett caribou on their show did a great love story parody

And the premise was she's now collapsed and she's got the long hair. Hello, preppy. And Harvey Korman came in and he's in full skates and hockey equipment because he was a hockey player in the movie. And he says to the doctor, how is she doing? He says, she's got five minutes to live. He goes, oh. He says, hi, honey, how are you? Can I get you anything? She said, I'll have a four-minute egg. And he goes, that's cutting a little close, isn't it?

Oh, that is priceless. Yeah. I got to tell you, I watched Love Story recently. Does it hold up? No. Short answer, no. And I'll give you the longer answer. I wanted to show it to somebody, you know, who wasn't, shall we say, alive when it was made. Okay. So I don't know why it came up. I think we found the book in my house. Mm-hmm. And...

I just thought, oh, you know what? I got to recheck this out because I remember what a phenomenon it was. Oh, my God. In that year. That's right. It was just like the biggest thing. It's like, well, what the fuck is all the fuss about? And I watched it. I am a hard cry in life, but an easy cry in movies. Like I'm embarrassed at some of the movies that have succeeded in making me cry.

There's a certain way. Mad, mad, mad world? No. No, that made me pee my pants because it was three hours long. But love story, nothing. It's for a story that's a tearjerker.

It is the least tear-jerking movie ever. It's sad, but just not like the kind of sad that's like, oh, lots of things are sad. It's like rich guys, the way you look at poor people. You're like, oh, you're sad. You're sad, peasants, but I'm sorry. I never lived your life. No. Not my monkey, not my circus. Moving on.

No, well, love story. I mean, I think... But it's nothing. I just got... It was like, yeah, she... What if you saw Terms of Endearment again? I did see that recently. Oh, come on. That didn't make you cry? First of all, I didn't... I remembered... What I remembered from it was, again, this is 1984. That's correct. Thank you. Thank you, Alex. And what I remembered, it was like the movie of that year. We were all coming all over this one.

Okay, I forgot exactly what it was about. I remember Jack Nicholson as the astronaut. Yes. And the one line I remember then, I remembered one line, and I loved it again, about, you know, he's with Shirley MacLaine at the restaurant. That's right. Ordering a drink. We're going to have a lava booze to kill the bug that's up your ass. Yeah. That's right. Exactly. Okay.

But you didn't cry at the end? I forgot that the plot was, once again, America has this love story, no pun intended, with like killing young girls. It's like, how do we get them sad? I have this perfectly healthy young girl, and then suddenly, boom. Well, it was based on a book, as you know. Love story? Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I don't know about Love Story. Love Story was a huge book first. Eric Siegel. Yeah, Eric Siegel. He was like this Yale professor. He did Jonathan Siegel. It was like 100 pages long. It's like the flimsiest thing. And for some reason, America went apeshit over the story of

Oliver, he's rich, a preppy, you know, and played by the gorgeous Ryan O'Neill in the movie, and like a big mansion house, and the father, Oliver, blah, blah, blah. Ray Moland. Yeah. You're right, it was Ray Moland. Yes, sir. OK.

And she's, of course, the Italian girl, was it, from the other side of the tracks? Yeah, low. Yeah, low, of low stature, but great character. And, of course, they fall in love, and then the father, I will disown you if you, she's Italian, we can't have an Italian in the band. But he changed his tune at the end. He did? Well, when she's dying.

He became nicer to the son. Oh, yeah? Don't you mean Paz? No. Because wasn't he stepping out on her? No, no, no, no. After she got sick, not before. Oh, no, no, during. Yeah, well, you know, he's a guy. Well, come on. She wasn't able to put out. Yeah. No, no, no. He was very loyal to her. Yeah. Ryan was great in that. And then he was great in Paper Moon.

Yeah, and What's Up Doc. And What's Up Doc. With Streisand. That's a great one. That's a, not just an homage, I think it's a remaking of a... Bring Up Baby. Thank you, yes. Look at you. Bring Up Baby, made in 1936. Boy, you must keep Marilyn's stitches. Marilyn's stitches.

You know, look. What? Are you happy? Oh, you know what? Should I have another rum and coke? I think you should have a double. Unless you have to or want to go. I never want you to be here if you don't want to, but I will tell you that I have an unadulterated view that I would love to have you here more. Because I don't see you enough. I would come here every day. I'd live here if you'd ask.

That's ridiculous, but make you can I make you a drink no no I'll do it look what I'm gonna do no get your filthy fucking head Jerry Lewis I know Jerry would do I watch you that I watch the nutty professor now. Okay. Let me ask you this Jerry Lewis Yeah, I'm gonna name some famous comedians or comic P. I'll name anyone and you have to give me on a scale of 110 10 being the highest I

For example, Mike Nichols. We're talking about comedians? We're talking about anyone, but Mike Nichols. Like, I would go 10. 10 is high? Yeah. Okay, maybe 10. No, no, no, no. 10's low and 1's high. I mean, what happened to you? Hey, look at this. Mike Nichols. Yeah, well, I would certainly put it at a 9 because, like, did he have a period...

from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, The Graduate. I seem to remember... Those are the first two films, but then, you know... Right. But, like, Angels in America was good. Working Girl, you have... I'm not sure. I'd have to watch Working Girl again. Mike Nichols, to me, was someone in my life that...

I knew for over 20 years, 25 years, and every time I was at a dinner with him, I'd pinch myself and I couldn't believe. Because when I always think that... Making my point about A-list, like there's nobody more A-list than Mike Nichols. Yeah, I once said, I was at an art opening and Mike said, where are you staying? And I said, at the Essex house. And he said, no, but really? LAUGHTER

No, I'm sorry I didn't get to see him do the comedy that that was before my time with Elaine May. I've seen some clips. Oh, there's great... I have great copies of that stuff. It was so sophisticated. When I see stuff like that, I think...

It's rueful because it's like, damn, I kind of wish I lived in an America where the audience was that hip and sophisticated. And that smart, yeah. Yeah, and I think that audience still exists in the country. It's just surrounded by a lot more rednecks and idiots. Well, I don't think we heard. But there is still a sophisticated audience there. I mean, my audience is only, I mean, I can't imagine anyone who you wouldn't describe as pretty sophisticated watching my show. They just would not be interested.

If they weren't sophisticated. To watch my show, you have to know things. Or else it's just like they're speaking Chinese. And there are many people in this country. I'm not knocking them. I'm just saying, like, if we're talking about the ACLU and NATO, they're like, what's that? That's okay. But your show has gotten even more, you know,

I'm not intelligent, but I mean, for example, when you used to have three guests, it would be two smart people and, you know... No, I wish I had done that sooner and we got rid of the mid-show guest. Right. And it's just me and two people and one up top...

I'm excited Friday, Gavin Newsom is the first. - Wow. - Isn't that a great out of the box? - Love him. - Booking, but like, you know. - Well, he's done your show before. - Who cares about that? - I have actually said. - Who cares about the country? I'm talking about the booking. - Yeah, I know. But I've actually said, you know, about Gavin Newsom, I said, you know, look, it's show business guys. - Right. - And Gavin Newsom, he's killed him Bill Maher. I will actually say that. - Right, yes. - 'Cause he has. - And yes.

And, I mean, I've been trying to get him to run for president for 10 years. And this is a guy who, like, I can't wait to talk to him because I think we can have a very friendly chat about some of the things that drive me insane about this state. And I'm hardly the only one. We have an exodus, you know, of, you know, some pretty heavy hitters from here. Is he going to be the first guest? Yes. You know, we're going to put him on the panel with carrot top. Yeah.

No, that's the old show. We wouldn't do that. That was where I was on. That's why I was on the panel. I was your carrot. That's the compliment I was giving you before. Very few people. Politically Incorrect, of course we had celebrities. It was mostly celebrities. The whole point of the show was a train wreck to see idiots talk. That's not real time. So the very few celebrities who made it the jump from, and of course they're not idiots. It's just that

People want to, for this show, it's like, yes, it's that rarefied people who are still pretty sophisticated and they want to see an adult discussion. And no, I'm not going to stop and explain what NATO is. That's fine if you don't know. I'm not criticizing that. But yes, and you're not insulted because you're not...

You would not watch. That's one reason I wanted to do this podcast, because this is for everybody. Yeah. I mean, it is not like other podcasts. Have you done other podcasts? I have done a few podcasts, yeah. They don't feel like this. Because they're... Well, no, no, no, because... It's in the day. Well, actually, most of them I've done... Well, I've done Conan.

And that's in a studio. But, you know, you've got earphones and microphones and people. It's just much more like an actual show. This, to me, is much more like. Oh, that's the camera there, I see. Right. This is much. Oh, we haven't started yet. No, I do have a life. I have a lot of amateurs waiting for me in restaurants. That is not what I've heard. Well. Oh, please. Are you kidding? You can't book me.

Oh, I know. Isn't it great at our advanced ages, I mean, both of us are almost 40 now, that we can be doing so well because mostly people fall along the wayside and maybe we were never like the top of the top of the heap. Who cares? That place is gross in too many ways to make it livable anyway. And we just, like the little engine that kept going...

Couldn't kill us with a stick. Couldn't kill us with a stick. And here at, you know, hovering 70. And I'm 73. I'm your senior. I mean, I look better, but I'm your senior. You look like you've been carried out of Shangri-La. Not me. Carried out of Shangri-La. See? No, that's a clever joke. Think about it. I...

What's the opposite? Carried into Shangri-La? Well, when you're carried out of Shangri-La, you suddenly age. Oh, I didn't catch that. You'd have to have read. I know what Shangri-La is in general. And there was a famous movie in the 30s. Yeah. Is it called Shangri-La? It's called Lost in... Yes. Something. It's like one of the old-time classics. Yeah. I remember renting it. Ronald Coleman. Yes, I remember renting it from Blockbuster. The film was in such bad shape.

that like a 10-minute part of it was just the audio, and they just showed a still. And it was just like, sorry, this film is from the 30s. So it hadn't been. Somebody did not store it well. Lost Horizon. Lost Horizon. Very good. Lost Horizon, it was made in 1936. It's one of the, and so we just sat there watching, yeah, this still for 10 minutes with the audio. But I don't remember. Oh, is it? So Jerry Lewis, the scale of one to two. Oh, yeah.

Well, the Nutty Professor, that scene where he convinces Stella Stevens to fall in love with him, you know? Yeah. Where he like, he meets her at the Purple Pit. People remember the Eddie Murphy one, which was great too. But in the Eddie Murphy one, the professor, you know, he's fat and then the formula makes him thin. In Jerry's, he was just a nerd of a guy and then he becomes like the

ultimate, like coolest, handsomest, biggest eco-mediac in the world. With the slick hair, the way Jerry kind of saw himself. Nothing like the real Jerry Lewis in 1963. No. We did a parody of it on SCTV called The Nutty Lab Assistant. Yeah, I'm sure. And I was Ed Grimley and John Candy was the head of the team. I vaguely remember this. And then I took the potion and then I became John Cougar.

He was before Mellencamp that I was just John Cooke. Oh was so creative That was great was there was there was never a better show No, never one that I look forward to more than se TV. We did I remember we'd we would do anything we want I remember one time someone one of the writers Paul Flaherty pitched mom's dearest it was mom's Mabley beating her child

And it was just a camera coming in on the house. And you hear, you know, Paul was doing mom's baby. I'm on the Moiv Griffin show and you're supposed to clean up your house. Jesus.

It was called Mom's Dearest. But explain it to the younger people. There was a movie called Mommy Dearest. Mommy Dearest. And there was Mom's Maybelline. What year was that movie, Mommy Dearest? Oh, I bet it was 1981. I don't know. That one, I don't have it. Yeah, I bet it was 81. I'm not getting a number.

Usually I do, but I would guess '81. I think it's '81. It was also a big movie. It was huge. Was it about somebody real like Joan Crawford? Joan Crawford, yeah. Right. And she beat her children or whatever? She was with the metal, "No metal hangers!" That thing. And you know, she was this monster mother that like she'd look out the window

you know, and a mask, 'cause she was a movie star. And her kids would be swimming and exhausted. And then one little girl at 10 would want to get out of the pool. Quitter! You know, she was a horrible monster mother, that was supposedly. Her daughter, Christina Crawford, had written a book called "Mommy Dearest."

because that's what she was called. So Moms Dearest was Moms Dearest. I've got to re-watch all SCTV. It's been so long. Some of them I still stick in my mind. John Candy coming out of the sensory deprivation tank with the music thumping and the smoke. It's like I saw it yesterday. Did you ever meet John? The spin-top restaurant on top of the nuclear plant. That's right. I played Johnny Nucleo in that. Yeah.

Did you ever meet John? But at a spin-top restaurant. That's right. On the top of a nuclear plant. I feel it's just a bad idea from the start. Am I wrong? No, no. No, okay. But did you meet any of those cast members? That's so funny you say that. In 1983, Cara Liefeld and I were two of the comedians on the Young Comedian special.

Probably my first time on HBO. That was an HBO thing, and they would have a celebrity. That year it was John Candy. Really? And he was the host of the show, and they probably paid him 100 grand just to walk out and say, and here's another...

Nobody you never heard of was starting out, but he's one of the funnier people in the clubs. Right, right. And there I was in my little suit and did my little shtick about Catholic father and Jewish mother, you know, whatever it was. And I was thrilled. That's where my mind was. That was like, wow. I was nervous. He's a star. I've seen him on TV before.

I mean, God, I would love to find a way to get back into that head. Yeah. Just for like, just for an hour, just to remember. Yeah. You probably had thoughts that if you could do that and go back, you'd go, oh my fucking God. Really? That's what was rattling around in my brain? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I mean, but understandably, why wouldn't you be nervous? Why wouldn't you be excited? I mean, that's... And he was sweet, you know, and we had to do a little sketch. He was fantastic. He was exactly what you hoped he would be. Right, right.

A jolly, fun, fat guy. And funny. And funny. And funny. A funny, fat... Well, you keep going to fat. I see him as a spirit. Yeah. I see him, you know. You judge people. That's different. I don't judge, but I'm not blind to people. I do, you know, and there's nothing wrong with fat. Nothing wrong with that. I mean, it was a great... No. Problem with the fat... Catherine O'Hara? Have you met Catherine? Problem with the fat character is that you can't, like, lose weight and...

and not also lose your character. That's-- - See, I think-- - You put yourself in a bind when you're like, if you ever got a trunk full of fat jokes and you lose 100 pounds, what do you got? - Well, that's a, Nichols and May used to have this thing. They did this sketch where they would go, the next three sketches are about adultery. It's coming back, he'd say. And then they'd do this adultery in England and these two people are talking and Elaine would say,

I ran into fat piggy Trevelyan the other day God she's fat fat woman and he goes fat troubling Oh fat fat fat when they go fat fat fat for a hundred done and then there's a pause and she says actually it was fun to see if she's lost a tremendous amount of weight and Mike says how does she look thin fat she's Amazing that we can like I mean you were saying your list put like Jerry Lewis and

Who did you say before? Mike Nichols. Mike Nichols. Okay. I mean, they're worlds apart. I would say so. Right. But we love them both. Absolutely. Right. Okay. We should think that way politically, maybe. You know, Jerry Lewis. I mean...

He's Trumpian in many ways. He's so preposterous, right, in many ways. Like even the real Jerry Lewis. Yeah. And you know that somewhere is that tape of the movie The Day the Clown Cried. Yeah, I've been told a friend of mine has it. I hear A-listers can get it. I could get it. Can you? Sure.

I don't think you can. No, I don't know if it's really assembled. Like three people have seen it. If people don't know what we're talking about. Oh, it is assembled? Jerry Lewis made a movie at the height of his egomania about a clown in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. And he's like with the slick hair and practically wearing the pinky ring in the barracks. Apparently.

apparently it was and nope he it was somebody got to jerry before he released it and said jerry i know i'm going to get fired but i'm telling you it's not going to work monumentally inappropriate thing i remember seeing harley working in paris and i saw it with uh nancy and and and i said you know it's 1980 and i said you know we got to get there because we were in paris it's called obolu jari

And they loved him in France. Well, right. And I said to her, we got to get there early because I'm telling you, there are going to be lines. Right. We got there. There were five people in the theater. Really? Just us, yeah. And 15 minutes in, Nancy and I turned to each other simultaneously. And I said, isn't this great? And she said, do you want to go?

So it wasn't working for her. I was loving it. Oh, Baloo. But at one point in that movie, someone says to him, oh, young man, and he turns. Exactly. I remember this movie. He was like 62. He was 55. 55. And he was playing 19. I'm not kidding. He was playing the exact character he played at 19. He was playing 19. I remember he was like a gas jockey at a gas station. That's right. Right? Okay. Hey!

I didn't mean to do it. It's just like at 55. This is a problem in Hollywood. Did you see Killers of the Flower Moon? I did. Okay. Great work of art.

But, like, Leonardo DiCaprio is just too old for this part. He's playing a, like, doughboy who just came back from World War I. Was he a general? He's 50. He was a good general. No, really. The part should be a 22-year-old. Naive, like he carries out the evil. You know, it is interesting. He's just ridiculously. I saw that film, but I must admit, maybe it's because he's a big movie star. That didn't enter my mind until right now. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and that is – and look, he's a great movie star and a great actor and charismatic, and I want to watch him for the rest of his career. I've watched him and loved him in so many things already. Right. But he's too old for that part. It's not his fault. You know, Martin Scorsese comes to you and is like, hey, we've worked together a bunch. I got De Niro. It's, you know, it's going to win all the Oscars. And, you know, would you – yeah, but –

I'm sorry, that's just my honest opinion. That's why the A-listers have a problem with me and the Golden Globes. Yeah, they don't like you and the Golden Globes. You're going to spout truth to them. How dare you? Who comes home from the front lines at 50? You're either dead or a general, I'm telling you. It's ridiculous. You're dead or a general. And he, you know, also like, it would have been better...

Why would the Indian girl fall for him so readily? It would have been better if he was like irresistibly studly at 25, like the guy who just played Elvis. Maybe she'd seen Titanic. It's ridiculous on a number of levels. Among them, the movie hadn't been made yet. Titanic, what year?

The real Titanic? I went, this is so you. Oh, no, no. Well, Titanic is 1912. But the movie is, I'll tell you exactly, it was 1998. Seven. Well, no, that's not true because I saw it in 98. I went to the premiere. 97, okay. I went to Christmas. I went to the premiere, December 21st, 1997. Yes, I remember it.

And loved it. Always have loved that movie. And I was in London. I don't get Avatar. With Helena Bonham Carter. Do not get Avatar. I love Titanic. I do not get Avatar. I don't know why that's. And look, it's just me because obviously it's like the most. Other people liked it. Other people just loved it.

First of all, I think it's basically cowboys and Indians. You know, it's a little wokey for me because it's like, okay, the Na'vi, you know, they're the Indians. They're peaceful and loving and kind. And, you know, Indians did attack each other here and so forth. I mean, we're all humans. Okay. So, okay, in general, maybe they're peaceful. And then, you know, the bad people from the other planet or whatever, they come and...

You know, like the people who are like the Navi. Would you live like the Navi? No, you don't want to live like the Navi. You're rich. You were born rich. You'll die rich. No, but if I was born a Navi, it's what I know. Yeah, I don't think you want to wipe your ass with bark and like. Sure I do. No, you don't. You want electricity and you want a nice, clean place to sleep. Yeah, but what if you don't know that? You know, once you get electricity, you go, oh, this is great. But if you never had it, it doesn't matter.

I am very of the, remember, the difference between you and me is I'm of the people. You must admit, we have had unbelievable lives, mainly not about success. No, I know. About the number of dinners we've had

not just us, but in our life, where there have been people that laughed and the laughs we've had. And that has been the luckiest thing of my life. When I look back on the people that I've worked with, you know, and, you know, then you go from SCTV and then suddenly I'm in a room with Chris Guest and Billy Crystal and Harry Shearer and that's SNL. And then I move on to the movies. And, you know, it's amazing. I remember the first time

Chris Guest is one of the funniest people in the world, you know. Oh, well, his movies. And when we were, I was just getting to know him on SNL, because I only did it one year, and I didn't know him. And he had just had Spinal Tap that summer, and there was a stage right behind us for the read-through, the big Wednesday read-through. And Chris and I are against the stage, and they only did that one year where people could get up and perform their piece.

And so two actors got up and I turned around to look at it and I noticed Chris wasn't turning around. I thought, okay, who is this guy? Why wouldn't he turn around and look at these actors? And when I turned back, he had written three flight options back to L.A. on top of my script.

One time I said to him, I was making this film Captain Ron. He said, Martin, what's this? Oh, I love that movie. He said, what's this film about? I said, well, I play a man who inherits a boat who has two children. He said, I didn't say spoiler for me. Yeah. He's funny. He is funny. I mean, people, you know, you think of him as the director, but yeah, you mentioned Spinal Tap. He's also Nigel Tufnel, whatever. He's the guy who says,

I want it to go to 11. Yeah. So. No, he's brilliant. But anyway, look, so that's what I'm saying the success of our lives is how many funny dinners we've been at. I mean, it's one mark. I agree.

When you come down to it, I think in life, I mean, wow, there's just a few things that really float your boat. And one of them is friends. Friends, hanging out with friends. Yeah. Like, that's like sex conversation. Everything else is kind of secondary. Yeah, you can go bowling. You can go on movie. I always said movies and theaters will never die out because it's something you can do on a date and not have to talk.

There's lots of things you can do. But what do you do in the first six months of a relationship when it's super hot? You talk and fuck. Then comes hanging out with other people and going out with more eating and bowling and whatever it is. But the real pure heroin is either this or

Or sex. Those are the two really get to my cerebral cortex. And when I say cerebral cortex, of course, I'm speaking out of my ass. I know. I'm not a scientist, but I'm just guessing that's a good place to be. Yeah, well, it's a hip, you know, little phrase that you learn once. Oh, I was going to say that scene where he.

He's Buddy Love, so he takes the formula. Buddy Love, that's it. He becomes the hippest, coolest guy of 1963. He goes down to the Purple Pit where the college kids are all hanging out. And he picks up Stella Stevens. And then they cut to, they're pulling up to like make out point. Yeah. He's got her alone in his car. And he just, he gives her the anchor sheet. Remember? Yeah. He goes, yeah, wipe off the lipstick, shove over next to me and let's get started. Yeah.

And she gives him a big speech about, well, this is one kitten that won't be smitten by, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he waits for her to finish and he goes, I said wipe off the lipstick. And then he. Well, he's Mr. Hyde. Yeah. And then he convinces her, you know, he does his Jerry thing. Yeah. No, I mean, Jerry Lewis, I would put in that pantheon. But yes, also Mike Nichols. Who are some other people who you. Jonathan Winters.

Not so much for me personally. You personally? Ten. Ten? Yeah. For me personally, I'm trying to think. Johnny Carson. Oh, well, I mean, that was a lot of my...

That's like the Beatles. There's an emotional aspect to that because it was adolescence. You say it in your book about the first 15 years of your life, you're just absorbing it all, and the rest of your life, you're spewing. I remember him talking once, and he said he was just telling a story to Ed or something about dropping a friend off at LAX. Now I'm in Hamilton, Ontario. I'm 14. And I'm thinking, what would it be like to be Johnny Carson's

That's why I was masturbating about it. You're making my case for me. Yeah, but you were visualizing Johnny. I was not. I was visualizing myself as Johnny. If I thought that I could put James Bond's life in my backyard, I would have done that. But all I had was like, yes, I could be a talk show host at 12.

I always said about masturbation, there has to be a thread to reality or else you can't get off. You have to have a... I used to do a bit about, like, I could never masturbate about, like, having sex with a girl in the Middle Ages because we're not in the Middle Ages. Like, if I see a movie about the Middle Ages and there's a hot chick, like, okay...

What am I going to do? We've got a time machine? Okay, all right, I'm back in 1262, and I'm the jester at the castle, and she's the serving. And she loves a comedian. Yeah, she's a serving wench, and I fuck her in the dungeon. Like, I can't masturbate my way back to that. But, like, so in my 12-year-old mind, I could have been a 1262.

talk show host with a tent in my backyard who's having sex with attractive women because they love a talk show host. Well, they love a comedian. Johnny was the greatest. Johnny was, you know, I didn't do it for a long time when I could have because I was, and I realized because I was terrified.

Because I loved him so much. And around, you know, 82, I'm an SATV and I was asked to do it. And I thought, no, I just do Letterman because I'm too hip. You kind of have a history of like turning things down. Yeah. Right. That you should have. What is that about?

A fear, I think. Really? Certainly with Johnny, it was fearful. What about, what was the thing in the book where like everybody in that little troop went on to... Oh yeah, Second City. Yeah, I didn't want to do it. I was like funny, but I thought, oh, I got to be funny in the end. Oh yeah.

I know, I know. But I also wanted to be an actor and I wanted to do plays. Yeah, again, that's why you don't tattoo things at that age. No, I agree. Because... Bad decision making. Bad decision making. It's amazing anybody gets to 25. It really is in some ways when you think about some of the things that were... Oh, also, I mean, you know, drinking and...

Right, exactly. Drive in the car. We lived, survived that. Oh, my God. I have a memory of leaving a party and swerving around a corner. I still remember it because even then I went, oh, something's wrong, you know.

I'm 23. I have a memory of being in the woods behind my house. There was still wood. You weren't masturbating, were you? You know what? We used to bury Playboys there. We would steal Playboys and then be all mud on them. And there was nothing to see back then. It was so tame. But no, we didn't masturbate in the woods. But we got this. This is college. And me and my friend who went to another college, but we were home on vacation and

We had this stuff. I guess it was the early form of poppers. You know poppers? Yeah. You had poppers in the woods? I think it was the same drug. What it was, and it was a bottle. It looked like a little vial. Not that little. And you took the top. Oh, you sniffed it? And sniffed it. Yeah. And you would turn like.

impossibly beat red and be... How old were you then? 19. Oh, you're 19. I thought you were 12 again. No, and you would laugh your ass off for two minutes and then it would go away. I mean, it seems like the potential to die with this shit. No, no, I think that was actually a liquid popper. It was. But what if I forgot and swigged it? You know, or what if it just... I assume with the redness it was forcing blood. I mean...

It would be easy to have killed yourself doing really stupid things. And people do. It's the sad truth. People do all the time. Absolutely. You know, and they don't... Freddie Prinze. Do you remember Freddie Prinze? Yes. Okay. Wasn't he like 26 when he died? Yeah. And he was a giant star, if people don't remember, in the 70s. The first Puerto Rican comedian. Chico, I'm the man! Right. It was...

Sammy Davis would say. Chico, I'm the man who could only know. Absolutely. And his catchphrase, he's not my job. Yeah, that's right. Okay. He blew his brains out at 26. He was dating Victoria Principal, who was like one of the great sex symbols of her time. And he had a son. He had a son. Freddie Prinze Jr. Right. Right. Right.

and uh he's only 26. he just was doing it was so like fame was like so overwhelming he went right from the hood to fame and but i think he just was so out of it when he did that to himself that he didn't really know he was doing it yeah i mean the life he would have had you know i mean he must have been aware of that he was this bright guy he had everything oh going for him he was handsome and he was a star

He was the age when he died that they should have cast that Leonardo DiCaprio part. There you go. Well, how old was James Dean was 26 or something, wasn't he? I feel like the James Dean myth is all about him being dead because like I just watched Giant. Oh, he's great in Giant.

I think he's great in Giant. I don't think Giant is great. It's another one. I've never seen Giant. I was watching a documentary about Rock Hudson, which was fascinating. And they, of course, mentioned Giant because that was Rock Hudson's big breakout role, right? 1956, the year I was born. So I was like, oh, I've got to watch this movie from the year I was born. Everybody talks about it. Wow. Wow.

Well, I was a slog for three hours. It's a long movie. Well, and it's like, look, it may have been great for its day. It's a real trick to age over 60 years. It's about racism in Texas in 1956. Right. And it strikes me as very two-dimensional. I guess it was daring back then. Elizabeth was cute. I never thought so. Really? Not my type. Do you know when I was 13...

My friend Mitchell Rosenblatt and I were at, his uncle had tickets to see Richard Burton and the Hamlet in Toronto. And we're in the King Eddie Hotel and a woman walks through, she has sunglasses, she gets in the elevator. And I'd never seen this, she took out a key and put it in the elevator so it was clearly a locked floor. And I said to Mitchell, I think that's, I'm 13, I think it's Elizabeth Taylor. He said, no, I think it's Elizabeth Taylor.

And then this door opens, and she turned around. She was like 33, and she took her glasses and said, yes, it is. Wow. We almost fainted. Wow. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah.

I've learned for the years that I tell stories that I think are accurate, and then I find out they're completely inaccurate. Like I was having dinner with Nathan Lane, and Nathan, I said, well, Nathan, we were other people. I said, well, tell a story about, you know, when you were at the Ritz Hotel and Princess Diana was at the same restaurant, and you raised and you toasted each other. He said, that never happened.

I was at the Ritz Hotel in Paris when she died. I didn't never, I said, I've been dining out in the story for 20 years. That's a pretty good Nathan Lane. Well, I got gifts. Yeah. But what were we talking about? Yeah, I'm always saying that on this show. They have to put together a montage of that. That's one reason I love it. Oh, Jack Kennedy. So this might be not accurate, but it's kind of accurate.

And so Herb Ross married Lee Radswell. Her what? Herb Ross's director. Herb Ross. And he married Lee Radswell, her sister. Correct. And so Steve at that time is doing Waiting for Godot on Broadway with Robin Williams and Bill Irwin. Mike Nichols directed it. It's the biggest ticket. You know, no one can get a ticket. It's at Lincoln Center. It's not a big theater. And it's those two. And it's 1989 or something. And...

So then he goes to the bathroom. So anyway, Lee Radswell gets married. Jackie has a party at her apartment. And now this is where I could be wrong, but let's say it's her apartment. And Steve goes to the bathroom and he comes out and Jackie is there. And he says, she says, I'm so looking forward.

to sing Waiting for Godot. And he says, well, listen, Mrs. Onassis, if you have any trouble getting tickets, I can help you. And she said, I think I'll be OK.

Yeah. But she had kind of a kind of a... It was a very... Renoir and Marilyn. They both... She and Marilyn both spoke like, it's 1960s, we need to... Men cannot hear our voices. It was... It's...

I mean, Marilyn Monroe, I'm sorry. I know she had a rough life, and I feel bad about it, like you do the poor people. But, like, she just, and every story I ever hear was that she was a nightmare to work with. Yes, it was because of the sadness, but it was, you know, she was drunk, or she wouldn't show up, or, you know, they'd get three words out of her. Cut!

Perfect. All right. Well, pick up the rest of this. I thought she was great. Well, here's what's interesting. You thought she was great? I did. Because I'll tell you something about Marilyn Monroe and Cary Grant. They never got an Oscar. Marilyn was considered just, you know. But they were never replaced. Who replaced Cary Grant, who never got an Oscar? Who replaced Marilyn Monroe? Johnny Knoxville.

All right, touche. Not my best guess. No. Yeah, well, of course, nobody of Cary Grant's stature is ever replaced, but were there leading men who came along? Ryan Gosling is doing it now. Burt Reynolds did it. If you're talking about the good-looking guy... Burt Reynolds was not Cary Grant. Of course he's not, because he's not exactly Cary Grant. But if you're talking about the good-looking, leading man guy who plays against type...

and isn't just good-looking and an idiot and... And has some talent. You know who else? Who? Ryan O'Neill. That's exactly what he was doing. That's why they redid that movie with him. Playing the guy... No, he was great. Men all fantasize about the great-looking girl who doesn't know she's great-looking.

I'm sure girls fantasize about the same thing. The great looking guy who isn't an asshole like most pretty boys are, who doesn't even know. Oh, I'm not an asshole. In What's Up, Doc? He's a scientist, same as in the original. You're obsessed, by the way, with What's Up, Doc? No, but he's a scientist, right? He's an egghead. So she's like, he doesn't know he's a gorgeous guy. This is a fantasy. I got to see this film again.

But I'm saying people have done the Cary Grant thing. I agree. I'm saying he was famous in 1934 until he retired at age 65 in 65. What was his last movie? Father Goose. Okay. Leslie Caron. Close to last. Arabesque with Sophia Loren. Oh, and Gregory Peck. Maybe. Spy Caper. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's definitely Gregory Peck.

Okay. Well, I got to see that one again. But, like, yeah. Steve says in our show, I tell a story at one point with a lot of impersonations. He said, see, you do something that I don't do. You do impersonations because I don't need to. Oh, I get it. But I don't agree with it. I mean, impersonations are great. Like, there's nothing. Who do you do? Who's your best impersonation? Oh, I'm.

Who do I do? Well, I've done my Gavin McCloud. I've done my... Everyone's asking for that, especially the college guys. Maybe my Jerry Lewis as Buddy Love. I don't know. But impersonate, like on SNL, the best thing they can ever do for me is celebrity impersonation. No one is greater at that than Bill Hader.

It's funny you mention that. The very first thing he ever did on SNL was Al Pacino in some sketch. It's unbelievable. And I was like, you got me from that. And they don't do it enough. Like celebrity impressions are just, that really tickles my heart. Well, I mean, I think it's not everyone has his gifts. But even when Bill will tell you, if you have dinner with him and he'll tell you a story. Yeah, but everybody can do one.

No, but if he's telling a story, he doesn't even mean he just breaks in and then Jimmy Fallon came in and suddenly he does, and it's not just good, it's perfect. I mean, Dana Carvey does that. Absolutely. When he goes into Dennis Miller, he not only does... It is brilliant. But not only does he do the voice right, he ad-libs

Like the jokes that Dennis would do that are like kind of like what Dennis would really do. I remember when Dana did Johnny Carson. Oh, yeah. Phil was doing Ed. Yes. Johnny did not like that. No, he didn't like it. But he did at one point and he got that quizzical look like. And they say, Ed, that we are slightly different.

Out of touch. And Phil goes, yes, peak to the 70s, sir. Yes, that was a real kind of gauntlet thrown down. That was within NBC. Yeah. And it was kind of saying, well, the Ancien Regime has passed its prime. Right. And there is, you know, that's cheeky to do.

to an institution like that. But he didn't just have the impersonation. He acted it perfectly. That's Dana's genius. Yeah, but, I mean, the humor behind it was, these guys are yesterday's news. And, of course, most people in TV do go on a little too long. I mean, these are hard jobs to give up. Right. I would hope. I did the last week of Carson. It was...

People were lining, sleeping around the block trying to get seats into... Oh, that's the homeless. This is L.A. Oh, who am I thinking of? No, but really, it was such an event. Yeah. Yeah, I remember Seth MacFarlane and I sang to him. I had my writers and I worked hard rewriting the words to Thanks for the Memory. And we sang it to... We got in tuxedos and sang it to him.

Because, you know, Jay never really quite got his due as, you know,

Because he's just so unself, you know, aggrandizing. It's also Johnny, there was only one talk show. It was a different talk, exactly. Yeah, there was only one. I mean, he was the biggest. You know what, there's a great Johnny Carson. It's a Thanksgiving one. It's just fantastic. I watch every Thanksgiving. Doc is on fire, and it's just Johnny and Doc. And Johnny says, well, I feel badly. Do you want to come to my house for Thanksgiving? And what?

And Doc says, oh, what am I supposed to say no in front of 15 million people? Yeah, I remember that. And you go, 15 million people? Yeah. I think there was one year they got 17 million. And this is at 1130 at night. Yeah. Yeah. There was no Game Boys. There was no internet. There was no recording it. And there was no recording it. And the other thing is you had to walk across the room to change the channel. Yes. I mean, that's a big journey. Right. Right.

This is why it's so annoying when, you know, the younger generation just won't learn about the past but still make pronouncements about the present without any view of like, well, things aren't any better than they ever were. Yes, they were. Yes, they are. You know, we were there. We were there. We saw, we've seen a lot of change. And it's a little arrogant not to want to even know about it. Right. But, you know, they're very into this

sort of feeling of wanting to be a social justice warrior. And the warrior is the part that they care about. I'm a warrior. What the issue is, they can get very foggy on that. It doesn't really matter. They're like, now they're all for Hamas. You know, it's like, maybe do a little research on that one. Well, October 7th was a long time ago. Well... All right. Did we do it? I...

would do this forever, but I'm just going to, like, let you off the hook. I'm staying here, by the way, because this is... First of all, I can't get up. And secondly, it's so comfortable. All right, I'm up. Look at that.