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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. What do you want? I have this beer, but I have a little tequila too. I'm a tequila girl as well. You want this that I just poured? Just put it in here. I just sip on it. Okay. That'd be cool. Thank you. That's enough? Yeah, that's cool. For now at least, we'll see how it goes. So that's what you drink, tequila? Tequila and beer, yes. Together? Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now.
You drink tequila and then you chase it with a beer? Yeah. So you just want ice and no soda or anything in there? I'll put a little soda. Yeah. I think tequila tastes good with some kind of soda. Yeah, for sure. All right. Then I'll take mine. I did just do a shot in there. Tequila? Yeah. Good for you. Yeah, why not? So you...
Drink how much would you say how much would I say? I mean like heard weak how many per week between like zero and fourteen Wow zero yes, we sometimes when I just I don't I don't feel like it or I'm working or something like that But I don't really drink during the week at all. But then on the weekends I didn't feel like it really I mean I used to I would say I mean I
I don't know how late into life, but certainly until I was 50, I probably, you know, had more like 25, 30 drinks a week. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Which is not like a drunk, but it is definitely Irish.
Yeah. And, you know, now I have like three. Got it. A week. Yeah. Okay. Because you just, you know, otherwise you'd look like Ted Kennedy. See, that's the thing. I feel like I don't want to like look like shit. I don't want to. Right. And feel like shit. And feel like shit, I guess. Yeah. That too. You know, there's a saying in sports.
Well, you take what the defense will give you. And I feel like that's the same with health. Like when you can get away with it, you drink 25 drinks a week because I could, because it didn't stop me from being exactly who I am. I mean, it wasn't good for my liver, but it wasn't like I couldn't work. It wasn't like I couldn't sleep. It wasn't like I couldn't, I probably didn't even have a hangover unless it was like six or eight drinks on a certain night, which happens sometimes.
But even that, you know, that's what aspirin was put on earth for. Was it like a slow burn or you just stopped? No, I never stopped because I never needed to because like you can function that way because that's what the defense has given you. Your body is saying to you, yeah,
We can take you drinking that many drinks a week and still be fine. You're not dying from it. It's not good for you, but we're good. And then when you get over 50, your body's like, well, no, we're not giving you that shot anymore. But I also kind of learned the wrong lesson because my mom died when she was 57. Yeah, she did. And she barely drank and she was super healthy and she ate all organic food and she exercised and she died of this super rare disease.
It's called cardiac amyloidosis. So it's your body builds up a protein that your liver can't break down, or starts building up in your organs.
So it's super rare. It mostly affects black men. My mom was a woman. I'm obviously not like mixed. So she's not black. And she died. And I'm like, you know what? It's kind of a crapshoot. And for a while I was just like, let's fucking go. And I was drinking a lot like in my 20s. But then I was like, this doesn't make me feel good. So I called it that. You know, there's something like 7,000 what they call rare diseases. Yes.
And like the ones that we know of that are not rare, they don't know what the fuck to do. I mean, this is something I always bring up when I'm debating people about COVID and vaccines and stuff. Not that I'm an anti-vaxxer or anything. You have to say that, of course. But like my overarching theme is always they just don't know that much. They don't. They, you know, in 100 years.
People will look back at what we did, especially during COVID, but look without anything. And they'll look at all the stupid mistakes and they'll go, oh, don't be hard on them. They hadn't even figured out cancer yet. Yeah. You know, you have to realize that's where we are. I know we think, oh, we're on the cutting edge. Yeah, because we're the latest version of ourselves. We're awesome. But tomorrow we'll look a little dumber because we will be a little dumb. Yeah. And, you know, so...
Yeah, God forbid you get a rare disease because, again, they can't figure out the big ones. The rare ones are the ones that just go, fuck if I know. Exactly. I mean, Lyme disease, they're kind of that way with Lyme disease. Yeah. We can just throw a bunch of shit at it and try, but are we even diagnosing it right? I mean...
Your health, you're on your own, sister. We all are just on our own. Yeah, I think about it a lot, though. Like how I will die, when I will die. I think because I was slapped in the face with it at a relatively young age.
But slapped in the face. Yeah. Like when my mom died, I realized that death is ugly. You know, like I feel like our culture whitewashes it a lot where you're supposed to have like these beautiful conversations at the end of life.
In the movies, even Titanic, you see Titanic and they're like, actually in real life, he wasn't able to have that conversation because he was dying of hypothermia. So I felt like I was doing it wrong when my mom was dying. Because our last conversations was her being like, can I get a nice trip? I'm thirsty. And it was ugly and it was gross.
And wait, he couldn't have the time. Yeah, he's in the water. He's in the water. And they're having this deep emotional conversation that that would not have went down like that. No, definitely would not. And as many people have pointed out, she had room on the raft. She did. She did. There was something there that was just so off.
or whatever she was on that door. And, you know, in real life it would have been, yeah, could we table this talk about our future and maybe I get up on the raft? I've never actually seen the movie. I just know that last scene. You've never seen Titanic? My mom wouldn't let me see it because there were boobs in it. And then I told her, I'll have boobs someday. And like, I don't. Was she some super Christian or something? She was very Catholic.
She was very Catholic, actually, when I was looking for her. But she was vulgar when I was looking. What do tits have to do with Jesus? I don't know. I'm not religious. Yeah, I don't know. She was super Catholic when I was actually couldn't find her hotel room or hotel room, hospital room opposite. The nurses were like, oh, the lady with all the pictures of the pope and the dick jokes. And I was like, that's got to be my mom. So I followed in there. But she, yeah, she was super Catholic.
and a lot of my extended family still is. I'm just, I'm not religious. I don't know how- - I was raised Catholic. - You were, yeah? - Yeah. - And when did you stop being Catholic?
Well, we stopped going to church when I was 13. That was a big red-letter day in my life because I was very traumatized by it from like whenever we – I mean, I remember catechism, which is when we went on Sunday before church, and that's like where it was taught by nuns. And that was like very scary to me. And we were – I was very young. I remember First Communion practice. You're seven. Yeah. Did you get – I got First Communion, yeah. Yeah.
And then I was in the middle of practicing for, what's the one you get at 13? That's where you get a middle name. Confirmation. Confirmation. I did that one. And we never quite made it there. I did that one. And it was, I felt very liberated because I just always was practicing.
dreading anything to do with church. I didn't mind church itself so much. It was boring, but my father and my sister were there with me. But that catechism class, it was so different than regular school, which was like smaller. I knew the kids. This was like big. It was like 40 kids in the room and the nuns were like, you know, they didn't really know who you were. You know, they would fucking literally hit you with the ruler and kind of stuff. And then after...
For a long time, I was not an atheist. I just didn't really think about religion much at all, except if I needed something from God, like I would plead with him. Oh, I'll stop doing this if you just, you know, that kind of shit. But I wasn't, I think even into the 90s, I was not really an atheist. I just was somebody who was, I guess that's more agnostic, but if you asked me if there's a God, I would have probably said yes.
I just don't think about him much, and I think religion is stupid, but that's not God. You know, he's different. Yeah. And then at some point, I don't know, but at some point it was like, oh, come on. Yeah, I guess I'm just, I'm agnostic, I guess, because I really want there to be a God. I want there to be a God, but I can't make myself believe it. And, I mean, I write about in my book, actually, about how comedy is a sort of religion to me. It's because...
bad shit that happens, I can be creative with it and I can have some kind of meaning. But I have a tough time with the Catholic Church, honestly, because I mean, I even do have family members who are upset that I'm not Catholic anymore, especially because my book's coming out and I'm talking about all this stuff. And it's like, well, if you love me so much,
Can't God still love me even though I'm confused? Like, I don't, it's not that I don't want to believe him. I'm not like, I reject God. I just can't believe it. And the toughest thing for me, honestly, or the thing that, because some of the stuff that's mortal sins in the Catholic Church doesn't make sense. Like, you masturbate and then you masturbate and then you're on your wedding and you get hit by a car, you go to hell. The Ten Commandments don't make sense. Four of them are just about God's ego and like, you know, don't.
don't make up statues. And like, if you were going to make a list of 10 really bad things, the worst 10 things you shouldn't do, you would include things like rape, which is not on the list. And yet, you know, having false idols is, or, you know, coveting thy neighbor's wife is on the list, but not incest. You know, I mean, it's just, none of it makes sense. What do you think of the abortion switchover with...
No more Roe versus Wade and people in red states, they have to like drive. Yeah. I mean, where are you pro-choice? I'm pro-choice. Yeah. I just think, you know, someone else's pregnancy is like not my business. That's how I've always felt about it. Like, I'm not sure about like if Roe v. Wade. So you don't think it's murder? No.
Yeah, I don't I also just think like I don't think it's murder. I don't think so. I don't think it is murder I'm okay with it. Yeah, do you know I actually that's I know people in my life who have said that exactly You know, I mean there's no denying. It's going to be a human. Yeah But I so I have I have nine frozen embryos with my husband. That's like a reverse abortion. I
I have like nine kids in a freezer. So you have no kids? I have the nine ones in the freezer. So in other words, you could have nine kids with that? Yeah.
So I don't even know how that works. No, I didn't either. How do you freeze an embryo? Do they have to literally take it out of you? So no, I get my eggs taken out and he's in another room jerking off. And then they mix them together. Oh, of course. And I had no idea because I've been on birth control my whole life. So I had no idea. I was like, I'm skinny. I'm probably not fertile. I'm not like a motherly person. Right. I was like...
I like my voice is like, I sound like a man. People on Twitter all the time accuse me of being trans. I'm like, if I was trans, why would I not admit it? I'd be so popular. No uterus here. And I was like, holy shit. Like I actually can. I'm actually we have nines.
Like nobody gets nine and now they're just like they've been on ice for like, I don't know. Oh, you mean they got one time? Yeah, and one. I had no idea. So how many do they usually get when they do it? Like three to five. Oh, so you're very fertile. Apparently. Right.
Okay, so what are you gonna do with them? That's the thing. I don't know. I know them so you know what I see I'm gonna try to get pregnant. I think the sex way I'm not gonna try to get pregnant. I think I'm just gonna take the IUD out and see what happens. I don't see the thing. I don't really want to have kids. Well, don't get pregnant. But but I don't not want to have kids and I'm a yes person, you know, I'm like, let's do it and you know, my sister's like that's a horrible reason to have children, but I think children been brought into the world for way worse reasons than that and
You know, I'm like, why not? Like if my body has the ability to like like have like grow like a human inside of it and like it comes out of my vagina. Like, why would I not sign up for that ride? Why would you not? I mean, yeah, look, I mean, I am certainly aware that.
Children remain like one of the most popular activities there is. I get it. I mean, there's bowling and there's certainly... And you don't have kids, obviously. I do not have kids or like them. There's video games, there's movies, there's TV, but...
Kids, what enduring popularity. You know that they're popular because even celebrities have them. Yeah, that's it. And you'd be like, Jesus Christ, what do you need a kid for? You've got a good life. And yet there's something about a kid. People, most people, it's a very deep-seated thing. I do not have that chip.
But I get it. They really like creating, maybe it has to do with mortality. Like, I'm never really going to die because I had this protoplasm that's really me. And it came out of me. And it looks like me. You know, it's me. It's me. Come on. It's just, it's just. I'm terrified, to be clear. I don't blame you. I'm terrified. My husband really wants kids, right? And I'm like, I'll have his kids. How long have you been married? It'll be two years. Oh, two years. I'll be first.
And he's like a good man. Like, no, like, you don't know me, but I dated trash almost exclusively. Like, you know, humans. And I think that's because I didn't want to commit to like a boyfriend. I was like, because then if it goes wrong, then I have to feel bad about it. Also, there's a lot of trash out there. There really is. There really is. And a lot of it is really hot. So it's tough. Really?
But he was like he gets it. He knows that I'm ambitious. I want to keep what he's like cat You're gonna be a great dad So I'm like I'm down to do this with him. So that was your type hot trash hot trash a lot of it like like You think they're trashy because they're hot and it allows them to be trashy. I mean, I like tattoos I like like, you know, uh
Do you think that's hot or trashy? Both. Yeah, yeah. Because trashy equals fun in a lot of different ways. I don't want a guy where I'm like, I have this idea, and he's like, oh, we shouldn't do that. I'm like, what the fuck?
Yeah, I think when I was younger, I certainly was not opposed to trashy because, as you say, fun and stuff. As you get older, it's like the parts of trashy that would get on your nerves far outweighed how good the sex is. And also there's just the...
Oh, I don't need trouble in my life. So yes, I but I certainly look I never got married. That's yeah, obviously I can't believe I did right? Yeah, I mean some some guys don't get married because they don't like girls and some guys don't get married because they like them a lot. Yeah, and so no saint here, but
Yeah, trash, that is something. How old are you? I'm 34. Yeah, you could still do it. No, you transitioned at the right time. That's it. You sold your wild oats. It's good. I really did. Yeah, you got it out of your system. And I think women can get it out of their system. And then there are men like me who are like, no, I realized at a certain point in my life, oh, I see. This is never going out of my system. This is my system. And that's fine, too. I mean, again, I thought...
I just got exhausted after a while. I mean, and he's also just the right guy. He's very... He lets Kat do Kat. He's very cool. He's very secure in himself. And he works in finance. He's from a great family. Like, he went to boarding school, which I didn't even realize was a thing. Well, you two are going to have a kid. Yeah, we're going to have a kid. It's going to be crazy, you know? But, like, he had no... Well, do it now because, you know, 34 is... You know, it's not too old, but...
You know, it's not exactly what Mother Nature fully intended. No, it's a geriatric pregnancy. I've already gotten science involved. Really? I mean, I have the nine frozen kids because I'm just like, I don't want her to do. And it's like, how crazy is that, though? There's just like nine embryos on ice because I'm not sure. So when you go, now, you're not going to have nine babies. Oh, no. I'm not with grandma. They're going to pick one of them.
That's the crazy thing. How do you know which one to pick? I don't know which one to pick. I have six boys. I have three girls. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I see. They know at that stage. And do you get to look in through a glass case like you do at a jewelry store? That's the thing. I want that one. I think that one is going to be a genius. And that one... I want to just try to get pregnant the sex way. And then they'll have even more extra kids. I have no idea how they pick. Oh, I see. I have no idea, which is a little weird. But you froze them because you thought maybe you...
Couldn't have it. Yeah, like what if I want to have kids because I had no idea if I was fertile knocks on birth control my whole life and also what if I want to wait like this way if I wanted to I could have a kid when I was like 50 and
Where do they store them? Like in a freezer or something? Yeah, I've never seen, I don't, I don't visit them. No, but like, is it, it must be someplace very secure. And I'm hoping that when the power goes out, they have some sort of generator because, you know, you wouldn't want the kid to melt. No, I, exactly. I really don't know. It's just one of those things, it's one of those things that you
do. It's so weird. And it's so weird, but doctors can just explain everything in like a calm, cool clinical way, whether you're like creating a frozen kid to freeze or like somebody's dying. The doctor's like, okay, so, and then they make you feel like everything's normal. Well, that's, you know, part of the problem with the American medical system is that doctors do make you feel like
They have the answers and they don't know they don't they don't not always you know not to go back to 7,000 rare diseases Yeah, but not usually I mean that look if it's something obvious like a broken leg Yes, anything the least bit complicated doctors are guessers. Are they better guessers or
percentage of the time than the average person because they went to medical school? Yes, they are. They also just get a lot wrong. Not because it's their fault. We just don't know that much. We just don't. They're still mapping things in the human body. So something that's like, oh, that's not completely obvious. That's why they say get a second opinion. And then that doesn't even match the first one.
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For what? Just for everything. You're a hypochondriac? That's what my husband says, but I'm like, no, I really do have shit that's wrong with me sometimes. Like what? Well, I actually almost died. I had a perforated bowel. I had an ostomy for five weeks. What happened? My bowel just perforated.
So I had a stomachache that was really bad. Your bowel perforated? Yeah, yeah, yeah, in 2020. From vigorous anal sex? That's the thing is no, apparently not. That's the thing? No, I asked and they said no. But it could have been that. No, it wasn't that. But it could have been. Well, no.
It wasn't. It doesn't. No. You said that's the thing. No, it wasn't that. That's the thing. I was enjoying anal sex. I was like, and then all of a sudden. As long as I'm enjoying anal sex, why? But you thought it might be one of the reasons. I did ask that question. Well, then obviously you're having anal sex. Okay. Well, hey, there's nothing wrong with that. No. I mean, the Bible says it is. But between husband and wife, there's no exception. But what is the policy of Fox? I don't know. Getting fucked in the ass. I was my...
I have a healthy marriage. Not that I know of. Otherwise, I just violated it. Could that have been part of the Tucker Carlson firing? I have no idea what happened. But you wouldn't rule out anal sex being a part of it? I probably would. I probably would.
I probably would. I probably would. I mean, so I don't know what happened. It was just .001% chance it happened to some people. So I had the bag for five weeks. It was disgusting. What do you mean? The colostomy? It was an ostomy. Oh, my gosh. So I have a scar right here. I can show you. It's very small. It's not gross. I believe you. Right there. No, it's not gross. It's not gross. Just a little scar. Okay. But while I had the bag, my husband did still have sex with me. What? Yes.
He's a keeper. That's what I mean. That guy is a keeper. That's what I mean. He is. And you know what? Also, if any... He fucked you with the bag. Yes. And if anybody on the internet or in real life ever tries to tell me I'm ugly, I'm like, I had sex with a shit bag. Right. I'm that level of attractive and you don't even have your face on your fucking profile. Right.
No, you're very attractive. Well, thank you. I'm wearing five pounds of fake hair. But even without... I think you're very attractive, but I got to tell you, I would not fuck you with the bag. I mean, that your husband gets a much higher grade because that is some...
That's some serious devotion. It really is. But the hospital. I wouldn't even let you live in the house. I'd be like, honey, I'm going to pay for the four seasons for six weeks. Just hang out there. And when the bag's gone, you come right back home. He would empty it for me because I couldn't look at it. I was disgusted with it. It's so gross. It's on your own. But you know what? It's you know, it's. But what are you going to do?
What are you going to do? What are you going to do? You're going to shit in the bag. You have to. And after I was out, I threw myself a party called Cats Out of the Bag. And we had these unused ostomy bags that were already open. Like the bags where they got the hole in it for your intestine and then the hole that, you know, whatever, to dump it in. Wait, wait, wait. Go back. Your intestine goes in the bag? Yeah. I thought it was a valve, too. It's your actual small intestine that's out.
is in the bag yeah why isn't it in your body because so i learned a lot about the digestive system so
My colon is the large intestine and had a hole in it. So it'll become septic if it leaks. How do you get a hole in your colon? I have no idea. I only had the bag for five weeks. It was really minor. I don't think that's from anal sex. Because I don't. Well, I've never had anal sex. Somebody would have to have a needle dick to put a hole in it. And also, you don't go all the way up to the colon. I already told you it wasn't from anal sex. You really wanted that to be a headline. No.
Tucker Carlson was fired for anal sex. That we've established. That's what you've established. But so, yeah, so it goes. Is it something you ate? It could be. I had had a colonoscopy a few weeks prior. It could have been something there. I really don't know. Oh, wait a second. Yeah. Excuse me, Sherlock Holmes. You had a colonoscopy? Probably, but it was a few weeks before that.
Yes, because it was a small tear that didn't heal or got infected. Yes, that's how exactly. Of course it was the colonoscopy. Yeah, that's what I think. That's probably. Okay, you know, but I did the cat, the ostomy bag. Again, one goes here, one goes out. So what we did is we poured champagne into the unused ostomy bags, like the extra ones. We bonged champagne out of them to celebrate.
So, like, that was, you know what? If you had a shit bag, if you had a shit bag, you'd be finding ways to feel better about it, too. No. I'm, man. Well, I'm glad you're better. And you are all better. I'm all better. All my insides are inside. Right. Yeah. Right. Well, you know, this happened at a, you're relatively young, so your body's strong and, you know, can regenerate. And, yeah, I mean, it's terrible you had to go through that. It's horrible. And boy, boy.
I'm not going to say don't ever have a colonoscopy, but I will say this because I apparently never seemed to tire of pontificating about the American medical system, but it deserves it. And that is...
There is just way too much testing. Yeah. Oh, I love getting all the tests. I'm like, give me the tests. I'm like, if I could get one drawn every day, I'd do it. Let's go. Let's fucking go. How's my lipid panel? I want to know. Okay. You've got to get over that. Psycho. I get it. I get it. Yeah, because first of all, I'm telling you, testing is not always benign. It's usually, some part of it is somewhat less than benign. Usually, it doesn't hurt you too much. Does a chest x-ray hurt you? Yes. Yes.
And when they say, oh, you know, we know this amount of radiation. You don't know shit. You don't know shit. You don't know what causes cancer. Could this combined with a thousand other things you're not sure about be the reason? I don't know. You don't know my genetics. Maybe some people can get a lot of radiation.
chest x-rays and they're fine. And other people, it is going to affect them. You don't know shit. What I do know is that the more testing and probing they do in you, there is also probably some risk every time with all of them. And so, yes, are they...
Is it a godsend that we have them? Of course, because sometimes you need, and it's great that they're not just guessing like wizards in the 17th century about the small toad. But the drugs were better. They let you do whatever you wanted. But people who, there's way too much testing in America. I'm that person. I'm like, I got to get my blood work. I got to get this done. I got to get that done. But-
I mean, if I wouldn't have gone to the hospital that day, I would have been dead. That's why people come to Club Random, Kat, so I can straighten out their lives. Yeah, that's true. We established you married the right guy. I did. I did. The shitbag fucker. The shitbag fucker. Again, we were just engaged at that point, and I was like, this is the best. But I had a belt to hold the bag in place, like a spandex belt to hold it. Because, you know, you don't want to...
You know what? Now that you know he'll do that, I think you should test him a little further. Yeah. Like, some night, eat the wrong things, throw up in your mouth. Yeah. And then see if he'll French kiss you and, like, you know. He would have to. He would have, I mean. With throw up in your mouth? I mean, I think he, I mean, that would be less disgusting than that. I think we could debate that. Really? Kissing someone with throw up, French kissing someone with throw up in their mouth?
Mean, I'll look I'm college. I mean a lot of people probably have done it, but they don't know when you're a shitbag fucker Certainly, it's not the norm, but you're not actually fucking in the shit bag You're from the vagina and the shit bag is to the side. No, right? Instructions for sex post shit bag was all bold all capitalized underlined do not attempt to penetrate stoma and
And that's just the fucking intestine. The ostomy. And that must mean people did try to fuck it. Fuck what? Okay, so your small intestine comes up. Those were the instructions. OMG. People are sick. People...
But that's not, oh my God, I can't even. Why was it bolded? Bro, it was bolded because somebody did it. Because more than once somebody did it. You're right. First they did caps. You're totally right. First they did caps and they were like, okay, they're not getting the point. Let's fucking bold it. You are totally right about that. And then they didn't get the point, so they underlined it. Like stop fucking.
Fucking the intestine. Oh. But, like, you know, everybody's looking for something new and freaky. Humans, and when I say humans, in this sense, I'm mostly saying men. Yeah. Will just fuck. Anything. Anything. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They will fuck your vacuum cleaner. They fuck children. They fuck intestines. Did you ever see the movie Crash? I don't watch movies because they're too long.
We'll get to that in a minute. David Cronenberg, interesting director, not mainstream, but he kept making movies. The Fly was a hit. Okay, so this was about people who reenact famous car crashes on purpose. And it turns them on.
Someone in this movie fucked, I think it's Rosanna Arquette's wound. She has like a big wound on her leg and it's like this. While she was alive or dead? No, she's alive. They reenact these car crashes and they get hurt in them because they're car crashes. And then this is sexual. And people eat popcorn and watch this. Yeah, I saw it in the theater. I don't know if I made it to the end.
Yeah. Movies are too much commitment for me in general. You don't watch movies? No, I really don't. I don't watch movies at all. Why don't you watch them? I don't watch... Usually when I watch movies, it's at home. And I don't watch the whole movie at once. Like, something has to really be amazing to get my... Like Happy Gilmore. That's my favorite movie. Oh, my God. Well, I love Adam Sandler. I do, too. But, okay, so...
Watch movies like I had this conversation with somebody here and they were saying, you know, watch it all at once. I said, do you read a whole book all at once? No, you read a chapter. That's how I watch movies. Watch a half hour or 15 minutes each night. How can you not watch movies? Yeah, I know. I don't remember the last movie that I saw, honestly. I don't know any cultural references. What do you do?
At night, what do you do? When most people are watching movies, what are you doing? Oh, I mean, I watch TV. Like, I watch reality TV. I like to watch trash. I like to be like, your life is a disaster. What, you grew up in West Virginia? No, I grew up in the Detroit area.
I love Detroit. I love Detroit. Detroit is an amazing place full of amazing people. It is. Look at all the musicians. Yes. From Motown to Kid Rock. It's amazing. You know, Bob Seger. Oh, I mean, yes. Yeah, Motown. But, I mean, Detroit itself is just like...
Yeah, it's like all the different strands of America. It really is. And it's my favorite place in the world. So you grew up outside of Detroit? So I moved all around until I was in like first, the area, until I was like first or second grade. Then we moved to a suburb called Macomb, Michigan, which is a middle class suburb. But my mom grew up in Hamtramck.
which is like this Polish neighborhood, like in the city, basically. I mean, now it's all Muslim, but it was Polish immigrants to start. Yeah. And I spent a lot of time there growing up. So I learned a lot of things like how to drown a rat and stuff like that, that I think all the other kids didn't really learn. And it was fun. Like they float, like when they float, they're done.
The rats. Oh, I thought you meant a kid. No. See, my grandma had a big rat problem because all the factories closed and the rats had nowhere to live. So they ran out to all the houses. This sounds like you ever see. Oh, no, you didn't. No. Is it a movie or did it? Yeah. Could I recommend one movie for you? OK. Will you watch it? OK. You'll love it. OK. What is it? You'll enjoy it. OK.
What is wrong with you? So many things. How much time do you have? I'm free. Gran Torino. Okay. It's Clint Eastwood. I've heard of it. Clint Eastwood is a movie star. He's now in his 90s. Somehow he's still making movies, which is getting a little ridiculous, and I'm a huge fan. Yeah. But the last one, he played a 90-year-old bounty hunter. And it's, I just, you know, it's like, you know, he's not bad in the scenes. I mean, he's, but come on, you know, come on.
I haven't seen movies. But Clint Eastwood, I couldn't be a bigger fan of. What an amazing filmmaker. Anyway, he made this movie when he was like, oh, I don't know, 75. You know, this guy's amazing. It's about Detroit. I see it now I'm sold. And the changing neighborhood. He's like the old guy who was there in the 50s when it was all white. And now he lives next door to a family from, I think they're from Cambodia. Yeah. Yeah.
you know, or there's some Asian minority. Yeah, or Laos. It's the Hmong people who were people who we brought over after the Vietnam War because we displaced so many people, obviously, with the Vietnam War. So now he's living in a neighborhood with, you know, the Hmong people. And it's,
It's hysterically funny, very unpolitically correct. I know you will like it for that reason. This guy, but of course, the beauty of the story is they learn to love each other and he comes to them as a savior at the end. I mean, I don't want to ruin it, but it's a beautiful, great, funny, not politically correct, heart-wrenching,
felt movie and I firmly recommend it. I'll watch it. Great. Movies are tough for me though. Gran Torino. I've never seen all the movies you're supposed to see like Titanic,
That's another great one. I never saw Star Wars. I got in a big trouble. Star Wars, I can't. The biggest scandal, the biggest scandal, like backlash I ever had to anything I've said in my whole life was when I made a joke about Star Wars. Like I had to get the police involved. I said that I'd never seen Star Wars because I've been too busy liking cool things and being attractive. It struck a nerve. Look, I am the same way. And I'm sure it's genius and George Lucas and...
is a great filmmaker, but I just have never been able to. It's just, there's something about it. It's yucky. I just, it's yucky. I tried to watch the first one. I know it's great and classic. It's such a cultural phenomenon that I know shit about it. I don't. That...
I know Luke Skywalker. Exactly. You know that. You know who Darth Vader is? Darth Vader is his dad. Darth, you are my dad. But why is that scandalous? Did Darth Vader bang somebody's mom? You know what I call that? What? Mind rape. Mind rape? Yeah. Mind rape is when you know something I didn't ask. Against my will. Exactly. Yeah. I did not ask to know this. I didn't ask to know this. I was mind raped.
I mean, I know a lot of things about Star Wars. I know, like, in a galaxy far, far... I didn't ask for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did not. I know there's something called an Obi-Wan Kenobi, but I don't know what it is. Jabba the Hutt. Don't know what that is either. And it's the Star Wars bar, and...
Yeah. And then I've even caught parts of, okay, maybe if you don't know the plot, you're lost. But I've watched it at times like, oh, there's, I see Star Wars Episode IX, the revenge of... The what the fuck. Of the Kravitz. The revenge of we're going to kill you, bitch. And I tried to watch and I'm like, really? Yeah.
I don't know. It just, that's what must attract them is what I, it just doesn't do it for me. Yeah. But. But it's just weird what people can get pissed off about. I know. What you say if you're just joking around.
You know? I very... Do you follow that? Do you follow your social media? No, I don't. Just sometimes it's undeniable. I mean, very recently, the biggest thing of all the things I've talked about, my shitbag, which, by the way, I had complications in the reversal where I was bleeding out my ass really bad. I needed a transfusion. And that was on January 6th, like the January 6th. All the stuff I've talked about publicly. The one thing that I got massive backlash was a joke I made about lacrosse, which all I said was...
it's not a sport. And I said, it's just an arena of people masturbating to how rich their families are. Oh, wow. Well, because I... It's like a liberal joke. Because I married a D1 lacrosse player. But that's like a liberal joke. Yeah. That's why they get mad at you. Because you're on Fox and you made a joke that a liberal would make. And they were fact-checking it. They're like, well, my dad was an electrician and I played lacrosse. When you... I...
I really just want to tell people to fuck off so hard when they fact check your joke. It's a joke. And you know the guy that I'm talking about. And I also married that guy. So clearly I'm okay with it. So you do understand why, what I'm talking about. Yeah, I do. I struggle with it every day. Okay. But that's it. In this America, it's very, very hard to...
to not be on a team. Well, but you're perceived as that. You're on Fox. So if you're on Fox, you're on a team. So yeah, if a liberal, if, I don't know, some liberal host had made that joke, there would be
Nothing would, it would be a mild laugh followed by nothing because it would just be, here's, and this is what's wrong with America, it would just be great joke.
Jimmy or whoever, because it confirms what I believe. White privilege. Lacrosse equals white privilege somehow, and maybe it does. I don't know. I know it was invented by the Indians, but I guess we stole it. Colonizers, blah, blah, blah. And that's why it would be like, we love this joke on this side. And on your side, we hate this joke because...
And it's like, it's just... I told it on Barstool, which... Fucking stupid country. I told it on Barstool, which, I mean, the context, and I love Barstool. I used to work there. I think they're great. But nobody bothered to... Oh, yeah, she actually married a D1 lacrosse player. You know, like, she's not... She doesn't actually think I'm a bad... Do you have a production company? Do I have a production company? Yeah. Not yet. Well, when you do, I think it should be called Bleeding Out of My Ass Production. I know.
Dude, that was my January 2021. Like, that was bleeding out of my ass. Because no one's using that. No, because nobody's had that problem. You own that.
You own Shitbag. It was Shitbag. That's chapter five of my book. Bleeding out of my ass. Chapter five of my book is called Shitbag. Is it? It's called Shitbag. And it's about the shitbag. It's about my January 6th shitbag. By the way, I saw Shitbag at the Roxy about three years ago. A colostomy or a leostomy? Oh, no, Shitbag. They were on that night. When you see them in a small room. Yeah, yeah. Man. You know what?
But again, I love what you said because people could be like, oh, like Bill Maher's conservative just because you say like one thing that's like not what you're supposed to say. Oh, I say more than one. Because I deal with the same shit in the reverse though, right? Because I'm not conservative enough sometimes for the Fox viewers because I'm not conservative. I'm libertarian. And that's actually a real difference if you're an actual libertarian.
And then everybody who's not a Fox viewer is like, ew, she works at Fox. Like, ew. When I'm at a party and people don't know who I am and they ask me what I do, I just say porn. Because that's fun. And they're like, oh, we're proud of you. Because it's way less controversial than being like, I work at Fox. You look like you could be a porn star. Absolutely, I do. You do. Slender. Of course I do. You know. But this is a very padded bra. Like, this is not going to have any taste. That doesn't matter. Yeah, but that's like the thing now.
now. Yeah. Well, I mean, you've got a different, there's all needs are served on Pornhub, and some of them are for, I mean, this is more my preference than, I've never been the hourglass figure kind of guy. Really? Yeah, I have no titties. My bra size is double mastectomy. Well, you've already got a name for your production company. Shitbag Productions. No, Bleeding Out of My Ass Production. Sorry, fuck. See?
See, that's why I'm going to need someone to help with the market. Yeah, no. But it's like, does that... But you don't let that bother you because, I mean, you have a duck pond and you're super rich. I don't own property yet. Well, it is a duck pond, but it used to be a pool. It used to be a pool. But that's the thing. You're so rich, you don't even give a shit that there's ducks in your books. It's not your problem. No, I'm so rich that I have another pool. Exactly. I don't even own property. I rent a fucking apartment. Really? Yeah. But...
What about shitbag fucker? My husband? I mean, we will. I guess we got married. He owns an apartment in Nashville. He's a landlord. So I guess that's part of mine now. But we want to buy a New York. It's like, do we have a baby? You must be making good money. You're on television every night. I'm on television, but then the government takes half my money, which fucking sucks. And I don't believe in taxes because I think it's armed robbery.
You must believe in some taxes, or else. I don't, actually. Oh, that's so stupid. I don't, actually. It's stupid. That's okay. But can you agree that it's immoral, though? It's so stupid. It's immoral. It's so stupid, Kat. Okay, I get what you're saying, but it's immoral to take someone's money without their consent. Okay. Well, you know what? I got a place for you. There's no taxes. It's called Somalia. Somalia.
And I think you should move there. I'd be a great president of Somalia. We'll call it Catistan. See, they don't have a president because it's just lawless and there are gangs and militias who fight each other and terrorize the population because they don't have money from taxes to hire a police force or an army. But, see, this is where...
When I first got into television, they labeled me a libertarian. And there are parts of because I was a pot smoker and I was single. So, OK, I did not fight the label. I mean, there are parts of my philosophy still that I would label as libertarian, which is people should be able to do whatever they want as long as it doesn't hurt somebody else. Now you get to something like COVID and that becomes a debate because obviously COVID can hurt somebody else. I understand why we're debating that.
I just come down a little differently than the people on the super safety left. But there could be another pathogen that came along, and I would be much more on that page. But anyway.
But libertarian, I never embraced what the full libertarian thing was, which sounds like where you are, because I thought it was just intensely stupid. You cannot have a society that functions and all the things you enjoy in life without taxes. Now, do they waste money? Yes. Should they be able to transfer it?
without doing it in a leaky bucket, yes, lots of things should. But you can't live in a functional society without taxes. It's like primitive. It's just, it's just, you're more sophisticated. I think you, I understand what you're saying. It's just dumb. I think that people, it's like anarchy. It's big for anarchy. Another dumb idea. But,
I'm not talking about policy, though. Do you know what I'm saying? All I'm saying is that I think it's immoral. I think it's immoral to take someone's money without their consent. It's ridiculous to take too much money without their consent. And they do. Of course they do, because you're on Earth where life is not perfect. It's the best, as Churchill said, it's the worst system except for all the others.
Yeah, well, I mean, at this point, it's and I just think the amount of money that I pay and everybody thinks that everybody thinks they're taking paying too much taxes. Yes, we're paying a lot of taxes. And what are you getting for it? Yeah, I mean, exactly. Well, let me answer the question. Look around the world and see how other people live and what they have to put up with.
Yes, I pissed off at taxes too, and especially California, which is the ultimate make your asshole bleed state. Is there a duck pond tax? Do they? No, but they're working on it. Does somebody look at your pool? Because now you've changed my mind. Now I'm super left wing. Now I'm a socialist. And I look at your pool with the ducks in it. And I'm like, you know what? I own this pool now. This is a government pool. Kat, I got it. First of all, Gavin Newsom is working on a duck tax. Yeah.
But I got to tell you, those ducks, those ducks came into my life. Do you love them? I didn't ask for ducks. Did you name them? Yes. I knew.
Onyx and ducky. They came into my life about six months ago. One day they were just there in the pool. Six months? They've been there about, yeah, I think about six months. She's already had children. I was going to ask you about that. Yeah. We can't wait to have her bring them over. But I think they're still in the nest.
there's there's a camera there we uh what the uh the male onyx is a is a real badass because other ducks came by seeing what a good deal it was and try to they fight him every day trying to get i guess him to give up the pool and he first he beats them back and then he ducks ducky i'm not kidding dude that's like a whole bravo reality show going on in your pool
I would use my other pool, too. What I worry is what if the ducks go in the other pool? Because they can't have both pools. Because they're going to expand. Well, I need them. They're going to expand their territory. Like, look at most of history. No, no. For some reason, I don't think... They're going to colonize your other pool. Colonizers, exactly.
Yeah, you know, but that's you know, are you do you have you like googled winner? The baby's gonna be born like have you looked into that? Um, well my friend who lives over here does he Absolutely, you have a bird keeper No
No, I have someone who does the things I can't do in life, which is everything but tell jokes and get hot. See, that's what I'm working on, too, because I can't do fucking anything. I can't do any normal human shit. But you're a girl. You're not supposed to. I get that. I get that. No, I don't want to drive.
I don't want to drive. I'm bad at it. No, but girls still, well. I contribute to society. I'm sorry. I'm menstruating people. They still want the guy to kill the spider. Oh, no, I love bugs, but I'm a weirdo.
Yes, you are. Yeah, you love bugs. Yeah, I mean you don't watch movies and you love when I was little I loved bugs, bro I love that. I got another movie for you. Okay, arachnophobia. Okay, I did have that one. I've seen I've not seen Star Wars. I've seen a ragdoll movie and I was on the spider side I was like best life. So you like bugs I did I had a pet cricket named Charlie because my mom and dad would let me have any other pets cuz my brother's allergies until I left the house and then they got a poodle and
And he was my pet cricket. And my mom ran over him with the van. And what was wrong with me as a child that I was so attached to a bug? I don't know. Hmm.
Well, did you have pets growing up like in your house? A dog? I had almost the opposite situation. I collected butterflies for a couple of years. Like that's what I guess they collected. Like you taped them. Well, you know what? I feel terrible about it to this day. Here's what we would do. This is I mean, I'm talking about when I was like maybe five or six years old. Very young. OK, so I guess I got a butterfly net. First of all.
Just in case people think that global warming is... You think this is why you're going to be canceled, that you killed a butterfly? No, I don't think that's why. Oh, there'll be a reason, but that's not it. No, but I feel bad personally. But here's... So, like, for anyone who thinks global warming is, you know, a hoax or whatever...
I've got to tell you, when I was a kid, there was much more life. Like, I live in the suburbs here. Most of L.A. is the suburbs. There's downtown, but we all live in it. You are the suburbs. You have the suburbs. Yeah, there's greenery, and it's beautiful. Now, when I was a kid, I grew up in the suburbs. Yeah, it wasn't that nice, but it was like there was a lawn and there was trees. Where'd you grow up? New Jersey. New Jersey.
And life was teeming. Like, there was just much more life. More birds, more butterflies, definitely more insects. And you'd smell sap. And, like, there was just fireflies, which you never see. There was just more life. Things that were... We are slowly killing everything, as Homo sapiens do. They're just the ultimate serial killers. I agree with that, yes. Yes, we are. But I contributed to this because I...
collected that was a thing. I don't know. Again, I was really young and you would catch them in the net. I remember the different types: the tiger swallowtail, the black swallowtail, the monarchs. They were beautiful. And then you would take it home and you'd put it in the killing jar.
There was a fucking jar and I could smell it. It was full of... The fact that you smelled it is the only sick thing you've said so far. Well, you couldn't help. You opened it and my mother told me, don't... But did you like the smell? No. It was poison. Stop sniffing that. Even at five, I got it. Would you snort it? No, it's killing the butterfly. I was not into drugs yet.
And then after the butterflies were dead, then like my father remembers, I remember seeing him sit at the dining room table and he would mount them and we hung them on the wall, you know, like in glass cases.
But I feel bad about it. Why? Because of your duck friend? Because I killed butterflies. But have the ducks changed you? I was the Aikman of my block for butterflies. After a certain point, it's like, okay. But aren't men like hunters and gatherers, right? Well, I... Maybe you were going to kill those butterflies to feed your family. I mean...
I mean, I don't know if men are hunters and gatherers. Men are, I don't even know. But I do believe in me, Tarzan, you, Jane. Yeah? Well, yeah. I mean, with the exception of when you have a colostomy bag. Yeah, look, I was still... Then I got a like... I was a real woman. And just because I had an extra hole, that didn't make me... That made me actually more of a woman. Oh, my God.
If you ask some people. It's a four hole trick. Yeah. Oh, no. If you ask some people, it's an opportunity. Absolutely. You know, my alarm. I'm crazy with these alarms. I have alarms that go off all the fucking time. And it gives everybody anxiety. You can't get one of your without your phone. No, I actually. All right. I have to wrap this up anyway. I don't want to wrap it up, but. I don't either, but I hate the phone. I turned it off, actually. I turned it completely off.
What are you plugging? What am I plugging? Your book. Yeah. All right. Me first. Or you first. Now let's do yours last so it has more of an impact. Okay. Center stage. Used to be the Hard Rock Live in Northfield, Ohio. May 20th, May 21st. I'm at the Mystic Showroom in Mystic Lake, Minnesota. Perfect place to go in May. June 3rd, the Met, Philadelphia, and the Wind Creek Event Center in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. June 4th. What are you doing here?
Cat who lives in an apartment, but soon will be living in a big mansion. I want a duck pond I want to be like I don't give a shit about this pool. I got another pool So how do I get as rich like how do I get rich? What's your best advice for getting rich before I before I plug anything? Well, I think you're on the right path actually really I'm getting old too, especially for a chick because as a 34 year old woman I'm actually older than you. I need to be like 23 to catch any heat now. Yeah, but you know what I
You're in a great place. 34? Are you kidding? I was 37 when I started on Politically Incorrect. But as a man. Right. That's true. But first of all, you're... Look, you're not... You know, you're not in movies. You don't even watch them. You're in TV, and you're in TV comedy news TV. I mean, the scales of hotness... I mean, you're doing great. Okay. I mean, for that...
Level, you're a 10. Okay, that's great. You're a comedy news 10. Yeah. That's going to serve you very well. In my duck pond. I'm sure there are lots of Fox News watching nerds who are already, you're their secret girlfriend. I don't want to go into graphic detail. I understand. But they're fucking your intestine in their mind.
I understand. And when they hear this tonight, what a good sport. I mean, a lot of girls, we talked about him being a hero. A lot of women wouldn't want to have sex during the...
Intestine out of the body. Oh, I want sex too much. Yeah, even Must yeah with your intestines exactly. I mean was that not clear still horny that I'm down to fuck with my small intestine out and Involuntarily comes out like it's but it's also liquid. It's whatever but I bought a belt for it from this company I forget what it's called like ostomates or like ostomy intimates or something and
I wish I could plug the company because they helped me out. No, you're on a great trajectory. Yeah. Telling you, I know. I've been there. I know television. I know people. It's a big talent to spot a big talent. Oh, you're a massive talent. Here's my book, my plug in my book. Let me see this. You can't joke about that. I got to tell you, whoever took that picture, I'd get a new person. Yeah, I know. I look like I have a bunch of chins. You just, you look so much better.
than you do on this cover. - Well, thank you. - Well-- - But also that sucks, but I look way better on the back cover. - That does suck slightly better. But that's, you're supposed to, you're supposed to look worse in person. - Really? - Who can't make a person look better in a photograph? - Well, I'm sitting on a coffin. What's the best you've looked sitting on a coffin? - That's not nothing to do, I didn't even notice the coffin. - Yeah.
Seriously, this whole country is built on people sharing pictures of each other that are not realistic. That's what I thought. Always in the favor of the picture, not in reality. That's what I thought. And they can't make you look better? You come here and you look way better than the...
No, I agree with that. Picture on the book. I agree with that, but I was also tired of answering emails that day, number one. And then number two, I was also kind of like, well, maybe I'll seem more approachable if I look not as attractive. Yeah, well, I looked at that and I thought, oh, that's the theory, is that, oh, this will alienate women because women can be, like, look at daytime TV. They love it when you're fat or a lesbian or preferably both. What they don't want is the hot chick saying,
you know, hosting a show. - Yeah. - So that's like, I thought, oh, okay, this is to put the women at ease. I'm frumpy too. - That was the reason I was okay with it actually, which sounds fucked up. But also I'm like, I am wearing a lot of fake hair right now for sure. - Who, what chick doesn't? - Exactly, exactly, exactly. Nobody grows their hair themselves.
well i mean like men don't men at some point every man learns to say not to say to a woman is that your hair because the answer is always if it's on my head it's funny i bought it i bought it exactly but you know it's like guys can't even tell about when i take out the hair they don't really care that much about it no guy is ever gonna be like oh like you know this girl over here so her hair has so much volume bro i wanna this girl
They don't, except for one guy that I went on a first date with who I told him my hair was fake. And he was like, oh, that must mean that you're not, like, I have really full hair as a sign of fertility. I would love to fucking ask him if he wants to hang out and then just drive him to see my nine frozen kids.
All right, well, good luck with that. I got to go back to work, my real job. Oh, okay. Well, thanks for inviting me. Oh, it's a pleasure. I know you flew out here just to see us. I did. I'm very, very flattered and appreciative that you did that. Thank you. So great to meet you. Well, we'll do it again. I know. And you are on a great path, I'm telling you. Thank you so much. You're in a great place. 34. Yes, nine frozen kids. With a fucking number one book. Cool.