Denzel Curry | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. I was going to wear that. Oh, you were going to wear a sweater? Come on, man. How you doing? It actually matches with your chin. I should be sitting over there. You want to sit over here? Nah, nah. Contrast. I mean, I got to say, the way your head, that brilliant head of yours is framed. Look behind you. Club Random VIP Lounge. Best friends only. You see what it says? Drink what you like. Say what you want.

Okay. You're in VIP. Oh, yeah. Bottle service only. And I hear you're blowing up. Speaking of blowing up. Get the slap. Oh, man. Okay. You know, I'm just going to, you know. Yes. How I feel about it, I looked at the footage like several times. Did he deserve that smack?

It depends. It depends, you know? I don't think it depends. I don't know. It depends. Because, like, did he know Jada had alopecia? Alopecia. You know what? It's so funny. I went to the Not Any Fair party after the Oscars. I didn't go to the Oscars. The award shows always suck. The parties. You know, if you can skip the award show, you're so fucking ahead of the game. So at the party, of course, everybody's talking about this. And I...

First of all, I had no idea she had alopecia. Oh, my God. And then, but I heard the word, and I've heard it before, but I never really thought about it, and I couldn't quite put it in my head. I may have had a clove cigarette or two. Right. Like, I couldn't quite put it together what it was, but it sounds like a disease. It is. It's because that's when you start balding. Like, I remember the first time I ever heard of alopecia was...

"Ala-peesha" was when I was watching "American Ninja Warrior." You ever see that show? Like, what do you do to-- It sounds like a character in a Wayne's movie. "Ala-peesha."

Oh my goodness. Right? That's fucked up. That's fucked up. But, yo, the first time I ever heard of that, it was like this dude, I think his name was Kevin Bull. He was a guy from American Ninja Warrior and he had alopecia. He was just bald. But the guy was ripped. He looked like One Punch Man or some shit. Okay.

First of all, we just... Do you have a drink? Oh, yeah. I mean, I have soda, but I'm good with water. Water? Mm-hmm. Okay. I never push drugs on anyone? Not too big of a drinker, man. That's fantastic. Seriously. As an Irishman who was for too long way too big of a drinker, never a drunk. Mm-hmm. I've been drunk, but not a drunk. Right. There's a difference. There's a huge difference. Very big difference. I mean, at a young... I mean... But if you cannot drink...

and still have a good time, you're way ahead of the game because there's nothing worse for you than liquor. It's sugar and yeast. It's everything bad for your body.

You have that look about you of someone who's very focused and in control and doesn't need diversions or bells or whistles or even drugs. Nah, because you got to understand, I've been doing this for mad long, doing music for mad long. So I did the acid. I did the shrooms and stuff. Never played with my nose.

I never did any needles. None of that shit. I did the edibles. And as soon as I did edibles, I was like, never again. Like, fuck that. I used to do it. I can't do it anymore. Cannot do it. It makes me paranoid. And it lasts too long without an ability to stop it. You know, once you're on for this ride, and sometimes the ticket says six hours. And it's like, oh, Jesus, are we ever going to get to Brussels?

And you just have to fucking eat it and be high longer than you want to be high. And there's nothing worse, ladies and gentlemen, than being high. If I could do a public service announcement for only being high as long as you want to be high, I would. Because when you're high and you don't want to be high, it's a terrible low.

Anyway, could I just go back to alopecia? Yeah, we could go back to that. Because again, this is what happened. I was like, somebody told me, but did you know she had alopecia? And my first reaction, because again, I didn't quite remember what alopecia was, was, oh, well, that changes everything. And then later on, they talked about it and I realized, oh, wait, yes, I have heard that word. When

the asshole for the hair club for men is doing a commercial and he wants to sound like a scientist. So he talks about alopecia and it's just fucking, we all lose our hair. I have it too. Oh my God. Everybody fucking has it. But it's the fact that this is where I feel like, all right, it's the alopecia. Chris Rock probably didn't know. I mean, I was just literally talking to somebody like,

Like, they say she revealed that she had alopecia on the Red Table Talk. I don't know how true that is. I don't watch Red Table Talk. It is true. It's true. Okay. Absolutely. So I don't watch Red Table Talk at all. So I probably wouldn't know that until that smack. You get what I'm saying? Yes. And I'm pretty sure Chris Rock didn't know that because I don't picture Chris Rock as somebody that's going to be like, oh, I'm going to watch Red Table Talk. No, but we're still arguing two completely different points.

You are arguing that it matters if he knew or did not know that she had alopecia. I am arguing it absolutely doesn't because it is nothing. It is losing your hair, which we are all doing. Yeah, but 80 percent of men. It did matter because Will Smith smacked the shit out of this man.

That's what made it matter. You know, it just would have been another joke swept under the rug. No, I'm sorry. That does not make alopecia matter. That makes his mental state matter. That's what's relevant. But fucking alopecia is nothing. If this is where your bar is for getting sensitive, you're too fucking sensitive and you were raised wrong. It's nothing. It's losing your hair, which we're all doing. I don't have every hair I ever had. I wish I did. I don't.

I've done everything I can to keep them. And, you know, they also get different. Your hair gets different. They get finer, thinner. It's harder to, you know, you just look at people, Harry Styles and people in their 20s. I mean, I've seen my grandparents balding. So it happens over time. But even if you have hair, it's not as in good a shape.

because it doesn't like sort of just stand up, Timothee Chalamet, all the, you know, the people in your early 20s, your hair just does crazy weird things and it looks good and it's just very full and wavy and, you know, you could have hair later, but it's more...

It's just like the rest of you. So your main argument was it doesn't matter that she had alopecia or not. Correct. And that shouldn't have been a reason for Will Smith to smack Chris Rock. And it wasn't.

I think it was it, but I don't think the smack was specifically for Chris Rock. Like people trying to put all this stuff. You got to think about all this stuff before that smack. It was probably like years and years of years of just building up to that one moment. It's just all that frustration. Between the two of them? No, not between the two of them. It's just all this frustration because the Internet was making fun of Will Smith.

after the August Alsina situation. You get what I'm saying? That's the woman who was... With the entanglement. Like, you remember when Jada was talking about the entanglement? When she was... And by the way, in those pictures, with what's his name? August Alsina. Okay. So in those pictures, she's wearing a wig.

She was wearing a wig? Well, unless the alopecia came up. I mean, the alopecia came up. I don't know. I don't think the alopecia was a wig. Well, she has hair. She had hair back then. I think it's a wig. I mean, women wear wigs. And also, by the way, women also just go for that alopecia look even when they don't have alopecia sometimes. It is a look. That's what I thought. It's like the buzz cut. What happened? The buzz cut. You know, the little boy. It's a look. It is a look. Right. A lot of models do it.

it. Right. So, Chris, I thought that. I didn't know about the tragedy of alopecia. Oh, my God. It's under psoriasis on things that are tragic about the human body. Are you kidding? The things that can go wrong? I just think that the whole thing leading up to that moment, we

I mean, the Alpisha thing was the last straw. And then you got the whole Internet talking about you, your wife and just your family in general. OK. And I'm pretty sure that is what broke will. Now we are coming more closely to a meeting of the minds because what you're saying, I would sign on to that. You're saying this was there was a tinderbox like there was before World War One.

Stop me if you've heard this analogy. Oh, my God. And then when the Archduke Ferdinand is assassinated, it was itself not a big thing. I mean, you know, it was Serbia. It was not something that was on people's minds. But it set off this chain of events and it just it had been building this and it just was just right there. OK, so that smacked.

wasn't for everybody. It wasn't for the Alpisha. I'm pretty sure it was because people were talking about his wife for years. Well, I think there are many other things we're going to have to throw into this mix of why, because let's look at the Zapruder film on this, okay? The joke is told, right? Mm-hmm.

We cut to Will Smith laughing. That's true. Very important. But you also see Jada in there rolling her eyes. That's the next part of the film. Okay. Okay. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. It's the magic bullet theory. We are looking at him laughing. Then he sees his wife laughing.

not laughing, making a face. And then he, that's when he changes. Okay. This is kind of a recapitulation for me of what all of cancel culture is. Somebody tells a joke, everyone laughs at first. It's funny. And then it's like, oh, wait, I'm supposed to be offended.

I feel pressure to be offended because that's the kind of culture we live in. Shitty. Nowadays. Right. It's like comedians probably going to be out of a job if it keeps going that way. Not this one. Not this one, bro. Because I think a lot of that stuff, it just like takes away like freedom of speech, you know? Exactly. Like you can't really say anything because it might hurt this person's feelings. Okay. Which I do understand. But you know I've spent my life fighting this fight and winning. Okay. Yeah.

They did try to cancel me many times. ABC took me off the air. That sign is from the television show I did before the one I do now. That was the show. It was called Politically Incorrect, and they still took me off the air for being politically incorrect. But I got back on. Because you're not PC.

They took you off for not being PC. Of course. And I'm still not. And I'm just saying, freedom is not free. You have to fight for it every day. And I do. Every week. You know, people, when they say to me, how was the show last night on Saturday? I'm like, well, if I haven't been canceled, it was great. Because every week, they're coming for you. Right. So...

comedians are not going to be out of a job, but you are right. They are. We have to fight for our lives now. I mean, but it's not even just comedians. It's also rappers too. Exactly. Musicians as well. Exactly. Because we could say something and the next thing you know, he's insistent on this, that, and third. And I'm pretty sure like,

When it comes down to that type of situation, like there are more serious situations than what I said. You know what I'm saying? It's not like I'm telling you to go kill a bunch of people. Right. You know what I'm saying? It's not like I'm saying, oh, like, let's do genocide. Oh, the whole thing is like, it hurt my feelings and you should never talk again. Exactly. Well,

Bitch, you probably hurt somebody's feelings and they don't want to talk to your ass again. Like, I'm just being real. Right. And you want something even realer? Like, you just said that. It was very funny. You said it exactly the right way. But if I said bitch in that same context with that same joke, there would be a lot more of a backlash. You're allowed to say it a little more than I am. I say it as in, like, I don't do it to degrade women or none of that shit. I call a man a bitch.

No, I'm just saying, like, I remember back like 20 years ago when I was still, oh my God, I can't believe I was doing it. But yes, I was still going like to clubs, like in da club. I'm sure you probably still do. No. No? Hell no. You don't ever go to da club? No.

Fuck no. You're so much more mature than I am. Listen, I've been going to clubs since I was 16 performing, so I'm tired of clubs at this point. Okay. See, I wish I had gotten tired of them at such a young age, but I didn't. Anyway, I'd go in, and then very often, again, this is way before pot was legal, okay? And so smoking in a club was still kind of an outre thing to do. But if a bunch of rappers were there,

they would never bother them about doing it. It was just like, well, that's their culture.

And I would, right, that was the attitude of the club. And I'd always be like, could I get the rapper treatment? Could I get her? But now that's changing too, because like, what is really like, oh, that's what rappers do. I don't know. Whenever somebody, when a musician gets in trouble, it's like, oh, that's what rappers do. That's what rappers, you know what I'm saying, do. So it's what you, like take away the rap part and what do you get? You just get the E-R.

You know what I'm saying? So what are you really trying to say? Is that your line? You know what I'm saying? I'm like, what are you really trying to say? Whenever they put somebody, oh, this rapper went to jail. Take away the rap part.

And what do you get? Is that your line? Nope, that's not my line. Oh, it's a great one, isn't it? I'm just like, hmm. It's a great one. It's like this rapper, they never say this musician, this composer, this songwriter is going to jail. Whenever it's an urban artist or a black artist, it's more like... Well...

If they are a rapper, yeah. They're not going to say it about Charlie Pryde. No, they're not. If it's a rapper, they're going to be like, this rapper is like... They use it as an attack most times. Yeah. I mean, it also just narrows down who we're talking about. I mean, there is a subculture of rap. Wouldn't you not agree? I mean, isn't that the whole point of hip hop? Is that it is a subculture that you...

and I'm glad you created it. Yeah, of course. Okay, so like to say that it's not necessarily an attack. I think sometimes they use it to demean you when you get in trouble. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Sometimes, and sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

You know what I mean? You're right. I'm just saying we're all very sensitive. Oh, back to the Zapruder film. So, OK, is this the Alpeach thing? Is this the Jada Pinkett thing? Yeah. So he's he's still he hears the joke. He's laughing, sees the wife is upset. And, you know, she just made a face. It's a dirty look.

It's, to me, one of the most anodyne, innocuous jokes I've ever heard. It's actually quite a compliment because, you know, he's comparing her, especially if he didn't know about the tragedy of alopecia, he's comparing her to Demi Moore in G.I. Jane, who was a hot, buff, but hairless, almost, woman. You know, that's the joke. It's not like he's saying, you know...

comparing her to somebody unattractive. It's almost to be considered a compliment. I mean, but you got to think about it. The context of that joke, whenever we would see somebody bald, you know what I'm saying? A woman that's bald, she only gets a few comparisons, G.I. Jane or Sinead O'Connor. Like you're going to get those comparisons. Well, she got the good one. So here's how it would have been very inappropriate, right?

If she had that hair and that look because she had leukemia as opposed to alopecia, then we'd be having a very different discussion. Yeah. That would be very wrong. Right. But alopecia, I cannot get upset about it.

The world has too many real problems for me to be worried about alopecia and the people who are offended by you making... There's people that have alopecia that probably suffer insecurities and ridicule because they do not have hair or they are losing their hair. I think with the Will Smith situation, I'm just pointing out details in the film now. Yeah, I get it. Like...

I'm just saying, like, you don't know what he got to go home to when it comes down to her and Jada's situation. So exactly on the money. And that's it's so interesting. You know, right at this moment, there's a case, not a case yet, but it will probably be a case that's really important in Washington. Clarence Thomas.

He's currently the lone African-American on the Supreme Court, but soon to be joined by this new justice that they're going to pass. But he's married. He's Republican, of course, and he's married to a crazy right-winger.

She was at the January 6th insurrection. The insurrection? She was texting all the time after the election, before Trump left office. She was texting with his chief of staff to get him to fight the totally legitimate election in the crazy way he did. So people are saying, you sleep with a Supreme Court justice. You're in the same bed every night watching the Greg Gutfeld show. And of course,

So listen to this. When they were voting in Washington whether to force Trump to release stuff relevant to the January 6th committee about how he tried to stop the election from going through, eight Supreme Court justices said, yes, all that material should be released. One did not. Who do you think that one was? Clarence Thomas. Because he knew he couldn't come home to the wife who was actually at the insurrection. Right. Right.

And he's like crazy devoted to her. She's a crazy white woman. Yeah. How's that? And they love to go camping in a big RV when he's not making stupid rulings on the Supreme Court. And this related to Will Smith, this idea that husbands will do anything to

not to have the wife mad at them when they go home that's the common thread here and i think you hit right on it he's got to go home at some point he's at home with jada right and she if she's like you didn't defend me i i looked over you were laughing at that it wasn't funny to me so he just he's at this very emotional moment and i don't blame him for being emotional yeah

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They could have just let that joke pass. We all probably would have forgot about it. We all would have forgot about it. But after that smack, he immortalized it. Well, yes. And again, I can't understand him being emotional for a number of reasons. First of all, it was only a few years ago that the hashtag was Oscar so white. Remember that?

Oh, from who? From everyone. It was the biggest thing on the Internet. Oscar so white. Man, I couldn't tell you. I couldn't even tell you, man. You missed that. Missed it all. OK, well, the lot of people were very, you know, the people, especially in the last five years who, you know, and some of this is genuine. I mean, I've always said the word woke is.

if you're using it correctly to be just alert to injustice, yeah, I'm down with it. It became an eye roll because people got upset about silly things. One of the things that they were very upset about, which turned out to be not really...

The most important battle to fight was Oscars were too white. But when you went through the categories, like there were actually a lot of black nominees in the 21st century, not before that. Will Smith himself, I think, Will once, I think, lost to Denzel, the other Denzel. I think it's just like a lot, when it comes down to like the Oscars,

I mean, just looking over the years, there's a lot of things that they overlook. It's kind of like the Grammys. You know what I'm saying? Just for an example, Kendrick Lamar comes out with Good Kid, Mad City, right? He loses to Macklemore, even though Good Kid, Mad City is way more influential than what Macklemore did.

So in that sense, I could see like back in, back then where. The bigger, excuse me, but I've been nominated for 40 Emmys and never won one. Now that's not because I do a worse show. As Madonna once said to Kanye West, don't go to an award show expecting justice. It's not about justice.

It's about a lot of other things, but justice for what, who's doing actually the best work by the standards of excellence that should matter, originality, courage, or whatever you're doing in your field. In my case, actually being funny and edgy. I mean, you know, it's not about that and it never will be. That's not what award shows are about. Is a popularity contest?

It can be, but it's turned into a virtue signaling contest. That's what it is. Okay, now you have to explain that. Well, virtue signaling means, you know, and again, this is where woke becomes an eye roll. When people just want to look like they care,

about things and they're basically patting themselves on the back and saying, I'm a better person than you because I care very deeply that the Oscars are too white. And it's like, okay, they certainly have been in the past. They were getting better, probably were still too white. The point I was getting at was that...

I can see Will Smith and every African-American there being in an emotional state because for years, yes, it was too white. And we were shut out. And now we look around at this Oscars and we fucking own the place, you know? Right. They kind of own the place now. And that I can understand. I think if I was black, I would be emotional about that. So I could see why Will and the role he was playing.

Like King Richard? I didn't even see the movie yet. I have not seen it either, but I know the story. Yeah, Venus is Serena's father. Right, who was, you know, and what they had to endure. And so Willis, all these thoughts and emotions are going through. I do understand why he was in a...

But what the hell has to do with alopecia? I have no idea. It was just a smack. That's the, my main thing was. But you can't smack people. You can't. I mean. And you certainly can't do it to Chris Rock. Sometimes you got to smack the shit out of people. But not him. Not them. Not for that. He was making fun of everybody in the crowd, which everybody was like, oh man, you silly. Yes. That's what comedians do. And we don't get smacked for it. You get heckled sometimes.

But not smack. You get heckled when you're young and you suck. You don't get heckled after you know what you're doing and the crowd who's coming to see you are your fans.

Your fans don't heckle you. Sometimes they yell out things, but it's supportive. They're just excited. That's not a heckle. A heckle is, you suck. You're not funny. Fuck you. Get off the stage. Where's the next guy? Fuck this guy. Did you have any moments like that in the beginning? Heckling?

I mean, like hostility or, you know, people just sort of like indicating that you they didn't think you were good enough yet. Shoot. That happened before I even hit the stage. It will always happen beforehand when people wouldn't believe that I was good at rapping. Because, you know, when you see somebody that doesn't look the part of a rapper, you know, you automatically assume they do something else.

Or are they not, like, cool enough to rap? It's so weird. What do you mean? It's like a stereotype. You don't look the part of a rapper? I mean, now I do. But back then, I didn't. Why? Were you dressing like Urkel?

Yes, I was dressing like Urkel. I was wearing suspenders. My pants was flooded. I had fucking glasses and a high top. I was like... I mean, I can see them looking at me and saying, oh, this guy couldn't be a rapper. But why couldn't you be a rapper? No, it was because, like, most people wouldn't have to look. Once you don't have to look and you, like, known for liking comic books and anime and cartoons and doing... You know, not having too much swag to you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

They automatically put you in a box like, nerd. Move. Nerd. Nerd. But you do not strike me as a nerd. Oh, you're a nerd. When you were a kid, you were a nerd? I'm still am. You know what? Everyone throws that term around now. It's become kind of a humble brag. You know, models love to do that. I'm such a nerd. Oh, really? Yeah.

No, no, no, no. It was a nerd. Not in the academic sense. No, not in the academic sense, but just like my hobbies and what I like to do. You know, when you go to school and you got like, OK, you got the cool kids over here. You got the jocks over here. You got the thugs over here. And most of the time they'd be people on a football team. They're the same people, you know. So me, I was like cool with everybody. But my table was not the cool table.

Like, you got skaters over here. Everybody know they skate. They do their thing. Skaters. That's a whole subgroup. Yeah, everybody got different groups within school. It's like prison.

It kind of is. It is. If you look at it, we all got to wear uniforms. Right. When we leave school, somebody going to find there to pick us up. You have to ask permission to pee. You go to the bathroom. You got to ask permission to go to class. You get fucked up the ass at night. Oh, no. I don't know about all that shit. Maybe I've gone too far. Yeah, you went too far on that one. You lost me, buddy. You fucking lost me. That's a different high school.

What year did you graduate high school? 2013. 2013. All right. So our classes missed each other briefly. Just by a couple of decades. And where was this? Huh? And where was this? In Miami. Love Miami. What was it? I don't know. The makeup artist, stylist? Yeah. She was just telling me about the trip out there. She was like, everybody looks so hot. And I was just like...

That's your white girl impression? Everybody looks so hot. I mean, oh, my God. Like, you know what I'm saying? Now, is that really what we sound like? No. There was one time I actually did do a white person voice. My white person voice is, like, funny as fuck. I see. To me, at least. I don't know about anybody else. And we're like, ah, you know, just got to go over there and, ah. You know, there's always, like, a little breath in between. It's like, you know...

Yeah, I kind of sound nasally. Your white dude voice is not even a white dude voice. I'm just a regular voice. Look where we are. We're in Club Random. This is not the place for white people voices or anything normal, right? Right. I mean, isn't it? Don't you like it here? I mean, it's cool. I don't know about that dude over there, but it's cool. I don't even know where I got that. I don't know. This is called Club Random because everything here... Is random? Exactly. It's like, I don't know where I got it. It's like, I don't know where I got it.

It was in my regular house, but it didn't fit. It's a vibe, though. It's a vibe, exactly. This is like a man cave. It is. Yes, it is a little bit, but not with douchey things that, you know, I mean. Like a pinball machine? Right.

Is that like the corniest thing? I don't know, man. What would a man cave have? Well, I feel like a man cave is something that you have when you're married. This is not a man cave because I'm not married. I don't think if you're unmarried you can have a cave. You don't need a cave. Men need a cave to repair to

You know, I mean, this is, you know, I'm not trying to put marriage down. It's, you know. I plan on getting married one day. You do? How, like, how soon? Man, first off, I don't know how soon, but I plan on dropping my first kid at 30. Really? Yeah.

And you want to be married when you have the child. Oh, hell yeah. Right. Well, many, many people do not think marriage is a prerequisite for a marriage at all, for having kids at all. I made my mind up on 27. I'm like, well, soon as I hit 30, my life is already pretty much chill. So you only have to drop a kid. So you only have three years left to sport fuck?

The sport fuck? I'm sport fucking my wife. Oh, you're married. Not married, but I'm sport fucking my girl. Oh, I see. You're with someone who you're going to marry. Yeah. Does she know that? Oh, she knows. That you're going to get married. Yeah, to her? No, but you've proposed to her. Not yet.

What if she watches this and this is where she hears the proposal? What if? Well, she gonna know. She gonna be like, damn, I can say, hey, I'm gonna propose to you. She just don't know when. It's gonna be random. Like, she gonna be like, you're gonna propose to me at 30. Maybe not. I may just drop the kid at 30

Maybe 35, I'll do it. You know what I'm saying? Maybe 32. Who knows? And how many kids do you think would be ideal for you to have? Four. Four? No, I'm just kidding. I'll have three kids because I know that one kid, that first kid, I'm going to fuck up. That second kid, I'm going to be like, all right, I'm getting the hang of it. That third kid is going to be like, nigga, save this marriage. Like, that's like...

It was like that third kid, it was like, you my ace in the hole. By the time, if I have a fourth kid, I'm going to be like, nigga, we know this. I find it so funny that when you said four kids and you were like, no, that's just a joke. I'm getting four. How ridiculous? Three. You just took it down. I'm just saying, like, that first one, I know, I don't want to wish that. I'm just like, damn, I got to be a model parent so my first kid can know, like, all right.

This is who I got to be after or do better than. You seem very together. I am not worried one second about you as a parent. You're very mature. I can read it on you. I've been just listening to you for the last half hour. I don't think you're going to have any problem. You're not going to fuck up your first child. Let me tell you something. I've never been a parent, of course, and thank you, Jesus, for that. But, you know, every person I know who is a parent,

They all have some version of saying, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and thought I was the only one. And then I found out from other parents, none of us know what we're doing. Yeah, I heard about that. You heard about that. We just are making it up as you go along. And

that's what it is. I mean, that's what life is in general. I mean, you're just making it up as you go along. But even with children, yes, you think you should have it all planned and you should know what's going on. You know how to do it, know how to handle this. And you don't. You just got to, you know, some of it is just giving hostages to fortune. You just don't know how it's going to come out. You can be a very good parent and have ne'er-do-well kids. I had a

They weren't really cousins, but they called them cousins. They were family, but more distance than that. Anyway, they were around when I was a kid, like at Christmas. And they had the sweetest parents, I thought. They seemed to be.

diminutive, kind couple. And both these kids turned out to be just... Shitty? Very shitty. One was dead before 40. Oh, my God. Like he had a rap sheet as long as your arm and, you know, heroin and died, I think...

The arm heroin? No, it wasn't heroin. He had a rap sheet as long as my arm, and then you tie in heroin. Oh, and heroin. Wow. Stealing cars. And these are Jewish kids in Bergenfield, New Jersey. It wasn't exactly the... I mean, it wasn't a...

but it was fucking suburban New Jersey in the 60s. It wasn't hard to get out of. They just were rotten. The other one was not rotten, but he was also a heroin addict and then a methadone addict for the rest of his life. How did they get hicked on this shit? I don't see how people could do heroin. I don't get it. Heroin? Heroin. I just don't get it. No, I'm not a heroin user myself.

I never really wanted to say I've heard people describe it in terms that were so over the top, like it's.

The best orgasm you've ever had times a thousand. Oh, please. This is fucking stupid. The best orgasm you have. Just take this needle. Like, fuck you out of here, man. Well, you don't know. You don't know. I don't know. And I'm not willing to try. And I'm not either. I'm good. I'm good, too. People try to tell me about cocaine. I was like, nope. I don't play with no. Never even fucked with cocaine? Never. You are a straight arrow. Not a damn right. Weed, acid, shrooms, definitely.

Weed, acid shrooms, yeah. Definitely did those in my life. Right. Yeah? No. Good. Okay. But not as a regular thing, obviously. Not a regular thing. Plus, when you don't smoke weed for a long time and you start getting, like, and you smoke it again, you get paranoid. I don't know. Someday, when I smoke one again, I know it's going to work good because these clove cigarettes are just not doing it for me. Mm-hmm.

But...

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Now, I think you should be my mentor, really. Nah, I still got shit I got to work out, too. I'm just kidding. But I'm just saying, you're 27 is the age I was when I moved out here to California. And I mean, I didn't know shit from Shinola. I didn't know how to wind my wristwatch. When I look back at 27, and of course, I was not like you are. I think it's a grounding force when you have...

relationship like that in your life and you're looking ahead to, you're talking about kids, a family, I mean, all that stuff focuses the mind and makes you sort of grow up and mature, right? Really. Pretty much. I mean, when you have a kid, I was, when I was younger and, you know, gay blade around town, squiring different ladies, I love the look on your face when I do that.

Because I've been there. Right. But I remember really enjoying the company of young single moms. Oh. So you was milfing it up. No, they weren't milfs. They weren't milfs. They were like 22. That's milfing it up, yeah. But that's...

Yeah, you're milfing it up. I thought a milf was older. Maybe it is. I thought a cougar was older. Well, you're right, because milf just means a mother I'd like to fuck. Yeah. Right. But because, like, often, I mean...

If a girl is young like that, they're very often kind of ditzy, you know, so they're, you know, they're pretty and they know there's all that, that quality of youthfulness that's so attractive, but you know, you pain in the ass, ditzy, forgetful, that kind of stuff that goes with being that age. But if they were a single mom,

You know, having a kid just slaps the snot out of you. You know, it just makes you focus and be a parent, a parent and just more responsible and more. It makes you add 10 years of growing up in two.

So instead of a ditzy bird, you know, they would be slightly smarter and together. It's just like because they got to maneuver. Right. Like, damn, I'm still growing up, but I got to help this person grow up and I'm barely grown yet. Exactly. So they have to be a little bit smarter. And they'd understand things like clocks and time. Yeah.

Getting places on time. Getting a job. Yes. And, you know, you wouldn't, you know, I mean, I'm sure in your youthful days also, you were sometimes misled by the more base instincts in your maleness flowing through you. And you were with someone who, like,

Yes, there were reasons why you were with her, but Jesus Christ, you wouldn't want to get stuck in an airport with her, you know? Oh, man. Or on a long trip. I mean, well, I only had like one real relationship before the one I'm in now. But then that was like, I just know...

All the wrong things I was doing in that relationship and which pretty much helped me in this. So you only have one. What are you, a Mormon? No, I'm not a Mormon, bro. It's like, nah, I just know the shit I was doing. It's just like, OK, when it comes down to real love, like girlfriends, I have. There's my current relationship that I'm in now. And the one before that, I was in a relationship for like two years. Right. This one I'm in is like been five years already. Right.

So, but in between and before that, I was fucking around. Right. So that's, that's pretty much where I was at. So you sold your wild oats. I'm sure you were very attractive to the staff side of life. I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm sure. Yes. But it's just like now it's just like, dude, this is empty. You know what I'm saying? It's not really as much. It's not really like, it's like, yeah, cool. Yeah.

Yeah, but am I going to talk to this person? Right. Am I going to really like this person? Yeah, I'm totally with you on that. I mean, it came to me later in life. But the idea of being with someone who you don't like, even if they're the most physically, sexually attractive person in the world, is a complete non-starter. I mean, getting laid is fantastic. We all would agree with that. But peace of mind, priceless. Yeah.

and not enduring anything that really tries your patience. Right.

And, you know, again, we've all been there where we were like, you know, basically holding women's purses. I mean, metaphorically, although sometimes literally because we just wanted to get the pussy at the end of the night. Yeah. And it's a kind of a pathetic. It's fucked up. Yeah, it's weak. You know, is that is like one. It'll do like what's more pathetic is just like, OK, you got us being like, oh, we pretend to care.

just to get the pussy for that one time and then we just be like, oh, I don't like you like that. That's fucked up. That's fucked up. And most men do it, including myself. I did it before. Sure. You know what I'm saying? Another thing, which is pretty weird, is like, say you have a whole bunch of friends, right? You have a whole bunch of homies that you're friends with. You be like, damn, that girl fine. Everybody looks at the girl and be like, damn, that girl fine over there, right? And you be like, I bet you I could get her.

And then you get her, but you're not getting her because you like her. You getting her because you trying to prove to another man that you could get this woman.

You mean that really goes on? That actually happens, yeah. Because I've seen it in a lot of movies. No, that actually happens. In real life. It would be like, man, you ain't going to get her. This, that, and the third. And then you get her. You bed her. You lay with her and stuff like that. You lay with her. You know what I'm saying? What are we, in the Bible? You lay with her. You're half in the course with her. You're getting the entanglement, whatever. And you have its children burned forth. Not even have the children. You just get it. And then it's just like.

So you, okay, you lay with her, you begat a son. But the point is, the point is, it's like just as disgusting how it is like with men doing all this nice stuff just to get to that moment of where we could get where we want and to become distant. It's the same thing when it comes down to like, all right,

you know, you bet you get this girl, you, you know, you get her, you talk to her, this, that, and third, y'all have sex, whatever. But now you don't talk to her because you only did that just to prove to your friends. That is equally as disgusting. That is probably more disgusting than what we was already talking about. That is really disgusting. And again, uh,

my naivete, but I thought that really only happened in movies. It happens in a lot of movies. And I don't remember ever, I certainly never had the confidence to be the guy to say, I'm going to get this one. That was definitely not me. But I don't even remember other guys doing that.

It's not like a physical bet. You know what I'm saying? You mean guys actually laying down the money and collecting? Like at a cockfight, they're collecting the bills? I remember a long time ago when I was like, what, 20, 21? Like, it was a girl that me, it was a girl that my homeboy liked and my homegirl liked.

It was just crazy. And then he was like, man, I bet you I'll get her. Nah, man, I bet you I'll get her. At the end of the day, she ends up having sex with me. So it's just like... How much did you win? I didn't win nothing. I didn't even bet. I wasn't even thinking about it like that. And then I'm just thinking to myself, if I ended up getting it, then...

That just pretty much ends the whole thing. You see, it happens a lot, not to beat this to death, but it happens a lot in movies because it's the perfect foil for what happens at the one hour and five minute mark of every rom-com, which is there has to be this moment where they have a falling out. They meet cute...

then they're, you know, they don't like each other and then they fall in love and then it looks like it's all going well and then she finds out that you, what, the night we met you were winning a bet and then I can't trust you ever again. You know, that's actually a plot for a movie. Every movie is what I'm telling you. Dude, it was one with, what's that dude, Dan Cook? Every,

I think they was working on a supermarket. There are better ones than movies with Dane Cook that have that plot in it. I'm telling you, it is a... And that is the perfect thing for the woman to discover at the 105 mark. And then he has to get her back. And then there's a thing where she's at the airport and he's getting to the airport. Everyone's helping him because he's in love. And

You know, it's just, yeah, you don't want to go there. But I agree with you. It's a disgusting thing. It's very disgusting. That is a very disgusting thing. And it's also kind of gross, not disgusting like that on such a horrible moral level, but to be doing things, any kind of things...

like I said, holding the purse, just... That's just a form of manipulation, right? Well, I'm just saying the woman can make you do anything because she knows that you want to get the pussy. The pussy got power. The power of the P-U-S-S-Y. There's no power of the dick. There is no power of the dick. You know that song? The power of the P-S-Y? The power of the P-U-S-S-Y. It's on the Jay-Z and...

Don't say R. Kelly. R. Kelly. No, didn't listen to it. Why? Come on, man. I'm not trying to hear about golden showers. You kids. No, don't get me wrong. I love I Believe I Can Fly, but after seeing Surviving R. Kelly, I can't do it. And you can't separate the art from the...

You know what's crazy? I'm different. I tried it. I tried to separate the art from it, but it just comes to me in my head like, bro, come on. Maybe that's where our generations are different. But to me, the music didn't rape anybody. And don't get me wrong. But he did. It's just the fact that- He did, right. It's just the fact that- If you throw out every- What about Michael Jackson? Can you listen to him? Because he fucked little boys. Allegedly. Not allegedly. Allegedly. You have to be way, way naive. Even Oprah has signed off on this.

You have to be way naive to think... So Michael Jackson smashed Lil Boi's? Yes. I hate to tell you, but he did worse than... Don't do that to me, though. See, you believe what you want... Nigga, love Michael Jackson, though. Don't do that to me, man. So obviously your morals on this are flexible. R. Kelly, not that important musically. Michael Jackson is, so I'm just not... I love R. Kelly.

But it's just like when you hear something like AJ, nothing but a number, you know, he wrote it. It's kind of weird, right? It is very weird. But then it should be for Michael Jackson, too.

But did Michael Jackson make a song about touching little boys? Oh, I see. You're saying the song itself. Think about it. My mind's telling me no, but my body's telling me yes. Like, you know, come on. Right. Exactly. I see what you're saying. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. I'm not saying those are bad records. I'm just saying, like, with the shit that...

Went down and then with the... That is a very interesting nuance in that argument. You're saying, I get it now, you're saying when the song itself reminds you of the crime, then it's harder to separate them. And you're right. Michael Jackson...

Yeah, there's nothing. Is there proof that Michael Jackson did it? Oh, stop. It's just proof. No, do I have the little boy's underwear? No, I don't. But I'll tell you this. You know why Michael Jackson liked shopping at Walmart? Because boys' pants were half off. I thought I'd bring that one back from the archives of 1997, you know.

Oh, man. But no, that's an interesting point you make. Yes, you're right. It is harder when you think of it from the lyrics. But I'll tell you this. Michael Jackson, he was subtly fighting back by at the very moment he was in on trial for the child molestation the first time in the night, I think, 97 or maybe it was even before that.

He released an album called History, which is a lot of old stuff. But he also put some new stuff on that. And he recorded Charlie Chaplin's theme song, which is called Smile. You may have heard it. It's a lot of current artists do it. Smile, though your heart is aching. Nothing. I heard about it, but didn't really pay attention. Yeah, OK. So this was Charlie Chaplin, one of the most famous child molesters.

Charlie Chaplin? Charlie Chaplin, yes. The guy who influenced Jackie Chan? Charlie Chaplin? Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan, I don't know what he got from Chaplin. The comedy? Like the way they do the stunts and stuff like that? Charlie Chaplin was the biggest star of the silent film era. Yeah. You know all those things that he was doing, like, you know, with the bus, and he'll be like...

Going like this and the bus will go over. Jackie Chan got that from Charlie Chaplin. Oh, that's so interesting because I don't know that much about Jackie Chan. I thought he was just a martial arts guy. Jackie Chan does martial arts, but he mixed it and took what Charlie Chaplin was doing and put it together. That's why when he'd be fighting and it looked so funny with the chairs and stuff like that. Oh, I'm so glad you told me that. That's so interesting. Damn, he was a child molester? Yeah.

Charlie Chaplin? Charlie Chaplin. Well, see, of course, in that era, they didn't even consider it a crime. But yes, he was always with very, very, very young girls. I think he married some of them. But yes, I mean, he's well known for this. So for Michael Jackson to record his theme song at the moment he's on trial for child molestation was, to say the least, a curious choice. But I always read it as a kind of a fuck you. I mean, I think Michael, whatever was...

going on in his head, he was a little gone by that time. But I mean, yes, it's unfortunate. And honestly, the worst thing about what Michael Jackson did, if you watch this documentary, wasn't even the physical part.

I don't know what sort of physical things were going on. We weren't in the bedroom. It may not have been a lot of actual penetration. It may have been a lot of grabby, grabby under the covers, whatever it was, it was super inappropriate. You don't do that with children. It was sexual with children. What I'm trying to figure out is who

allow their kid to stay with Michael Jackson? Well, that's a big, big part of the documentary, which is an indictment, as it should be, of parents and what star fuckers they are and how much they will put their, pimp out their own children to get near stardom. Same with R. Kelly, if you think about it. Correct. Who

will allow you to... Oh, he's R. Kelly. He's trustworthy. You're right. Like, come on, man. Right. Parents slept in the bedroom next door to Michael Jackson in hotels with their kid in his bed because it was... What kind of shit is that? Exactly. What kind of shit is that? But what I thought was the worst thing Michael Jackson did was that he would...

He was basically a serial dater the way Leonardo DiCaprio was with supermodels for many years. He seems to be with one person now for quite a while. But for years, I mean, Leonardo DiCaprio would be with one supermodel after another, like clockwork every six months. Michael Jackson did that with children. Oh, my God. Who, I mean, there's a...

brings you to tears scene where this kid he's one of the main witnesses there in the documentary and I think he was from Australia and Michael met him and you know calling every night across the

the continents and like visiting and he's on tour with them and then brings the kids on tour with him. Oh yeah. Brings the kid over from Australia. But between the time he invited him and the time the kid got over, Michael had met someone new, another like eight year old.

And so the kid comes over from Australia and he's there, but Michael's now, he's not sharing jokes with this kid. He's got the new kid. It would be like making you see your ex, you know, having to see you with a new girl. Mm-hmm.

But to do it to a child? So basically, what you're trying to tell me, moral of the story is, if I'm going not listening to R. Kelly, I shouldn't listen to Michael Jackson either. I think you should listen to both of them. I do. I don't give a shit what they did. Beat It is a great record, and I'm going to play it forever. And I'm also going to play Ignition, and I'm also going to play...

Power of the P-U-S-S-Y. Oh my God. But it's just like, it's Jay-Z. But it's just like, we try to, you know, it's crazy. Like my cousin does karaoke at my house, right? So all of us, we was like going through stuff, you know, we playing Linkin Park and all these different bands doing karaoke. We pull up

I believe I can fly by R. Kelly. My girl's like, turn that shit off. Like, just turn it off. And then we're all still singing it. It's, I mean, I'm like, bro, they played this at my graduation. Like, I can't believe of all the hard songs that R. Kelly has put out, that's the one you like? You never seen Space Jam? Have you ever seen Space Jam? No. You never seen Space Jam with Michael Jordan? I,

With Looney Tunes and Michael Jordan. No, I've never seen it. Ever. No, never. I would have remembered. You got to watch that movie. You're going to say no. On your recommendation. On my recommendation, it's a good movie. I promise. You like Bugs Bunny? No. Okay, you don't like cartoons? No, I do not. You hate cartoons. I'm telling you, you're...

You hate cartoons. Are you a cartoon hater? I am not a hater, but even as a child, I did not watch cartoons. You weren't fond of cartoons at all? Still I'm not, except for Family Guy. Oh, wait, hold up, hold up, hold up. Flag on the plane, time out, you know what I'm saying.

Family Guy. You could watch Family Guy, but you can't watch Looney Tunes. Well, I think they're very different. They are. I mean, Family Guy, I'm not saying it's bad. I like Family Guy, too. I'm not saying I couldn't. I'm saying as a child, like, my friends make fun of me because I don't know basic things that everyone else knows about cartoons. Like, you could test me. Name some family... Hey, you wouldn't know a damn thing about it. Ask me about some cartoon, and I'll tell you, I'll be honest if I know, like, who they are. Duck Dodgers. Who? Okay, there you go. With Duck... Duck, Duck is Daffy Duck.

As I. OK, I'm not sure who Daffy Duck is. I think Daffy Duck is. Let me think. Let me think. Oh, let me think. Daffy Duck is Donald Duck's wife. Yes. Huh? Donald Duck's wife is Daffy Duck. No, no. There are two different people. Well, of course, Daffy Duck is black. What? Donald Duck is white. Daffy Duck is WB. Donald Duck is Disney.

Well, Daffy Duck could be married to Donald Duck. No. A mixed race couple like in every commercial. I don't know. I think Daisy Duck is the, just like how Mickey Mouse has me. So they're not even related, these two ducks? No. No, they don't even know each other. The two ducks are not related. The only time you see them interact with each other was on Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Never saw that. You never seen that movie either? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Lord, Jesus. I'm so disappointed, dude. I'm disappointed, man. I mean, I understand you don't, you know, you don't.

You don't watch cartoons? It's good. I could name some amazing movies that you should have seen. Okay, test me. Three Days of the Condor. Never seen it. There you go. And I'm not disappointed. It's like, you'll get to it. I'm just saying. This is what life is. Looney Tunes was before my time. You talk to new people, and maybe you get some new input and learn some new things. Give me some new movies. So what's the one I'm supposed to watch? Oh, Space Jam. Space Jam.

But you don't like cartoons, so I'm not even going to let you watch it. You know, I will find a moment where it is appropriate. Now, I'm not going to promise you that if I'm miserable for the first 28 minutes, then I'm going to finish it. Okay. Because I don't think it's going to get different. I'm just saying at least try it. It's kind of like a free sample in the mall. Like, just try the shit. I will try it. If you don't like it,

just say fuck this and then you just go to the next exactly that's exactly what i'm gonna do you like family guy that's pretty good yeah but that's so different i mean it's a cartoon but it's written for adults and it's also one of you like american dad well one of my best friends is seth who runs it i have a prop here from a movie i did with him here at club random um was it ted

No, it was Once Upon a Time in the West. Oh, yeah. I like that movie, too. Oh, good. That was a good one. Yeah. So, I mean, that show just tickles me and still, I think, is such great satire. You can get away with things in cartoons that you can't. Live action, many is the night. I wish I could turn myself. Wait, I've seen that episode you were in. That's when Brian wrote that book in a day. Correct. Correct.

I know what episode. I watch cartoons. I'm in a few episodes, but you're right. There's a whole one that takes place on the set of Real Time. That's so funny. I forgot about that. That's right. Brian wrote that book. And the cartoons, yeah, I'm live action and they're cartoony. It was funny as hell. But what were we talking about? Oh, about disgusting things men do. And I just wanted to say that it's,

I this thing about doing things just to get laid. It's so weak, not weak, like slapping a guy because your wife gave you a dirty look. That's super weak. It's just fucking weak. It's just like, come on, man, you got to do all that just to get this right. Right.

And to think that, like, to make your wife not mad at you, you have to get up in front of a billion people and slap a beloved comedian who you should be friends with. And I'm sure they were friends. They were friends. And they'll probably be friends again. He already apologized. Yeah, but that was over Instagram, man. That doesn't count? Hell no. Fuck no. Like, almost.

I would much rather somebody tell me to my face, like, yo, I am so sorry that I did that. That was wrong on me. If you told me that in person, like, you know what I'm saying? Just pretty much put it in person. Yeah, you did it on Instagram to clean it up. Like, I commend you for that, but you got to actually, a phone call. You know what I'm saying? Not even a text. Tell me of your millennial mores.

The apology over Instagram. This does not constitute a real apology in your millennial... No, I would much rather talk to the person and apologize to them. Because at least you know it came from me instead of me just like texting it out. That's what I would call old school. That's like what I believe. Of course, I'm not even on Instagram. Or maybe I am, but not...

Not really. Somebody's managing it for you, right? No, I'm probably not supposed to say that. It's me. I'm on it all the time, Denzel. Are you kidding? I got to go check it right now. Oh, my God. No, I mean, I don't know. But to do things virtually, I mean, you've got the right idea, my friend. Important things you just do not do virtually. You have to look people in the eye. I mean-

And you're shooting them straight. We didn't, let's be honest, we didn't know each other from Adam when we both met here at Club Random tonight, right? Right. Right.

Right. I mean, honestly, you don't know my work. I don't know yours. Now we're going to find out maybe, you know, we're going to watch each other's movies. I mean, I know all about your personal life. You proposed to your wife on my show, which is pretty amazing since we only know each other a half hour at the time.

I forgot what I was going to say. I know I would. I mean, but it's, you know, I never seen a damn closed cigarette. I never seen politically incorrect. Right. You weren't even born. And I know about the HBO show, but I was just like, damn, he's about to get into politics. Fuck that. I'm just over it. No, no. I was like, but see, as you get older and you get kids, you're going to have these kids. I know you're going to drop one before 30.

Right? No, I'm dropping one at 30. And then you're gonna drop-- Boom! I'm gonna be like, "Hey, drop them draws. We about to get active." Boy, does this girl know she's on such a schedule? She's like, "Honey, come on." It's like, "Nope, I'm saying I'm doing it. I'm doing it." Once I make my mind up, I'm just like, "Nope, we're doing this." You're going through the same progression that is the normal thing in American life as you have kids, then your house, mortgage, taxes. You want to know about your kid's future. You will get more into politics.

Because you'll care more about who runs this country and what they're saying and who really is caring about what you care about and the issues and taking care of things. And you won't just like, oh, I can tune it all out. Yeah, you can do that when you're young. People tend to like to, you know, and when you do, you'll come here because at least I make it funny and I tell you what's what. It is what it is. That's fine. All right. It was great to meet you. Great to meet you, too. Yeah. We'll do it again. And you'll come here when...

We're not, like, on camera. We're going to just have a party. Oh, hell yeah. Bring your girl. Yo, my girl. Oh, speaking of which, I got to do this on camera. My girl loves you, by the way. She fucking loves you. She was like, as soon as I was taking a nap today, and then she was like, yo, you got to go to the interview. Like, who's interviewing today? I was like, I'm doing an interview with Bill Maher. She was like, Bill Maher? Bill motherfucking Maher? I was just like, damn, motherfucker. Like, are you serious? Talk about burying the lead. You saved the best for last.

"Well, you have got to marry this girl yesterday.

Obviously you are with such a brilliant girl, smarter than you. Oh, whoa, whoa, hey. All right, whatever. Right? Wait, wait. When a guy says your girl is smarter than you and she's going to see it, you better say yes. Yes, you're smarter than me. Or you're going to get slapped. Oh, yeah. Hey, but the thing is, I'm going to get smacked, but it won't be on the Oscars or the Grammys or the Emmys or whatever it means. Bring her by. I would love to meet her. Oh, yeah. I can tell her to come through now.

- Oh, is she here? - No, hell no. - Oh, is that fun? - Yeah, this is good. - That wasn't a real interview. I would hardly call that an interview. - That wasn't, it was just us talking. - Exactly.