David Spade | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. I always want to see you more, but you're so rare. You make yourself so rare. I'm so important, yeah. You're so rare. What are you doing that you have to be so rare? You never come out with like, oh, those comics, you never do. You know what's funny is- Well, not with me. Two things. I come by this freaking street when I used to live up here for 15 years. So I know this street back and forth.

And so I didn't know you lived here. Other than that, that's a great story. We use that as a clip. - See, that's what I mean. - And when I saw you in Hawaii, people don't know, to the people at home, you do a show in Hawaii and then-- - No, last year, this was the last one. - The last one, right. - I pulled the plug. You did the first year of comics on board.

It was so great. You and Jeff Ross. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was 2014, I think. Is that when it was? Oh, yeah, it was fucking fun. Can you believe...

It was really fun because you know your friend group of the coolest guys. Woody's funny, great, Sean Penn, Eddie Vedder, that trip. And the crew I take. I mean it was 12 years I did it. It was great and I got to spend time with people like you and Jeff. Like I never would because I don't know what are you doing? Why are you hiding?

- Why are you shy? You know what it is, you're with girls. - I'm so coquettish. - How did you get to be, you're like the Pete Davidson of your generation. Right? You kind of are. Like the guy everybody goes,

How did he get all those girls? It's always how. It's so horrible. It always starts with how. No one can figure out the fucking Rubik's Cube. No, it doesn't always start with how. Sometimes it starts with why. I remember one of them said I had a big wang in some interview, and people are like, oh, and I go, you know she's just saying this because people are baffled. So she has to make up something. Like, oh, it's big, and they're like, oh, well.

Stand outside yourself. Yeah, and what would you say it is? Like if you have to actually answer that okay push in I'm gonna do a long speech So I well

You know, if you can't get them on the great looks department, which drives me crazy because I would rather be better looking if I could. But I think if not, you know, we're all comics. I don't think it would help any of us to be like stunning.

I'm not including you in that. But you know what I mean. Like, we have a sense of humor. But I will say, when people say they like a sense of humor, it's kind of like music. It's a little general. So you have to find a girl that likes your sense of humor. Right. Because there's so many different types of comics. Yep. And they can say, I love comedy. And they can list three comics you don't think are funny. Right. Exactly. Or these movies. Or you say, great. That's exactly. So I...

I like girls that are obviously attractive to me, but I also like when they're kind of light and funny. And they don't have to be hilarious, but they just have like a charm or lightness about them. They have to find you hilarious. And they have to find me hilarious. You don't care if they're hilarious. Yeah, yeah. No, but it is wonderful to be with a girl who actually does make you laugh. Yeah. I mean, I certainly have experienced that. And again, it's like...

how do I put this, not as much as we do it. Yeah, exactly. There's a certain perfect amount. Sure. And it works for them too because they're not comics. Right. And we're not always on either. Just they have a lightness to them or they kind of see the world like you do. It's just a fun report. And they get the joke. Yeah. They get the jokes. That's it. Some people don't get the jokes and they have to leave immediately. You know what I mean? I met a girl that was from Ukraine and I go, there's a toddle in town. Yeah.

It's like someone's own joke. I go, Ukraine. Okay. And she was, they have a seriousness built in from that area. And everything got quiet. But, you know, Ukraine. Well. But people like that. And then she's talking to me and I realized the point was everything I say or even throw away jokes, even just mildly, it's,

It's not clicking. And that ultimately will be the demise. Is this not partly because of the language problem? It is partially that, and it's not their fault, really. It is not their fault. And just the way you can't blame anybody, I think, for what their taste is. Sure. You also can't blame somebody if they say, look, I can't be...

with someone who speaks English as a second language unless they're utterly brilliant. And I certainly have had that girl in my life who did not speak English as the first language and was so utterly brilliant. She was better at the language than I am and never missed one reference, one joke. Oh, wow. But it's rare because the language is a barrier. And we use so many idioms and we use so many... Twisting things and just phrasing. And also references to growing up here and...

Plus, we're working with an age barrier because you and I both, Dave. Yes. Thanks for dragging me in, but yeah. Well, it's true. I know. I'm not a straight chick. There's no reason why we should apologize for being who we are and what we like. Right.

I think people don't like if there's an age difference with someone you date and that's... It's such hypocrisy. It's fine when Madonna does it. She's 77, her boyfriend's 14. Everyone's like, that's fine. That's fine? But it's true. It is fine. It's girl power. It's whatever.

whatever works i don't give a shit yeah when people like after 18 you're like you're an adult you know you guys date i don't care i don't it's not i have bigger problems i got bigger fish to fry you know what uh an appropriate age is one that works if it works and everybody's happy that's appropriate that's what's appropriate one of my friends is female single and she's uh

57 she says you know I'll never date a guy under 40 and I'll never I go you can't do that because you might meet the coolest guy in the world yeah who might be 39 or you just don't know because it's hard enough if you've got the whole thing you've got it you got a pick of everybody it's hard enough to get just one thing working look first of all in my experience relationships work when people are more opposite than alike in the sense that

you bring just the relationship, something the other person lacks. So are you going to be like most compatible with someone who's just like you? Not in my experience. I don't want someone just like me. I have me. Yes. And there's some women, there's women that are like,

Don't need the greatest looking guy in the world because I'm already oh I want to be the attractive one or I'm pretty and I don't want someone working out every day and preening and doing all that and they I think that's one way another way women are more interesting is that they can just say I like a vibe or a packet or something and that's where might work for me where they say this just the sum of the parts might work, but you did you ever get close to getting married and

Yeah. My problem is I don't know if it would work and I would, you know, obviously I have mental problems. I'd be scared of, if I was living together, if I would not do well with it or if I ruined it or if it fell apart for whatever reason, that if we hated each other. I see my friends or people I know where they get divorced and they hate each other and I go, that's tough. Someone you're that into and it's just a grinding hate and you go...

I would hate to have them hate me. It's almost just a fear. Obviously, it's not normal. But I don't really care. I just think... It's perfectly normal for you. Yeah, for me. And that means it's okay. I don't get... I refuse to apologize for any of this. Yeah, you're good about that. I feel sheepish about that. I think everybody else is nuts. I don't know how they do it. And by the way, most of them don't. I mean, half of them get divorced. And certainly...

Of the marriages that do stay together, many of them are not what I would call happy. Right. Some of them are like very like on the surface unhappy and some of them are just like we have come to accept this sort of situation.

dismal experience. Now, you hear, when anyone's ever cheating or caught, they go, they get in front of it. We've been separate lives for a long time. We're basically divorced. It's not really that big of a deal. And that's a tough one because some people, just, it should be harder legally to get married than it is to get divorced because marriage is so easy. It should be very tough because when you get divorced, people I know go, well, I've got the house with them. I've got this and

We got the cars and we got to split up the electric. It's just too hard. And they say, we can just be, we'll be fine. We'll live a separate life. We all know being stars here in Hollywood and A-listers at that. Okay. I mean, I didn't see you at the Met Gala. No. Because I didn't go. I didn't have a cat costume.

Right. That's a funny look when you see her on there. But we all know people, like prominent people, well-to-do managers and agents and people like that, as well as stars, who've gotten divorced. And we know, being close to these people, that they went through a period of years. If they were lucky, it was only two years, but it could be five years later.

of just this everyday hatred and revenge. And just imagine you're paying for the lawyer who's fucking you in the ass. Yeah. That kind of thing. And also, this is the person you thought it was going to be forever with, and so you opened up totally to them. So now they have...

the best kind of ammunition to use on you. Because they know everything about you. That's scary too. I think this is what we both, has prevented both of us from like going all the way to Baghdad, as I call it, with, you know, like, let me just invade Kuwait and kick them out of what we said and not go all the way to Baghdad. Because when you go all the way to Baghdad, you get bogged down.

And then the next thing you know, the Shiites are coming into your apartment and putting an electric drill to your brain. I mean, metaphorically. This happened? Oh, yeah. It happened in Iraq. Yeah. Well, I don't want to sound like I'm anti-anything about this. I love the girls. I've had great relationships, and I just, you know, fears of ruining them. Let me get this out. Cut! Cut!

You can't take anything out. Okay, I see. No, but you know, it's funny, you said agents. I was seeing someone just a few years back and then left me for a big agent and I was like, oh, I just walked out in the middle and just said, yeah, I got this big agent guy. And I was like, oof, it's a rough. Were you very upset by it? I was, yeah. You were? Yeah. So you really wanted that one to work?

I was working on it, trying to make it work out. And I didn't even get a chance. It was like ripcord pulled for me. But, you know, I have women I've dated in the past. And it takes a long time for me to actually get to know someone. And then you sort of find out what they're like when they're mad, when they're sad, when they're this, when that. Things are going well. And over time, you can find out I can handle that because they go, oh, everyone's crazy.

I'm crazy, we know that. So when I say what crazy other person, we're both crazy, which one can I, that type of crazy I can deal with the most? And it's like, oh, that one I'm not that worried about. I don't find you crazy. I cloak it all right, but I'm not that bad for being a comic. You're not crazy. Why do you do that? It's like supermodels who go,

Yeah, I was a nerd. Shut the fuck up. You're not crazy. They're not nerds. Everybody, stop with the false modesty. You're not crazy. Everybody else is crazy. Yeah, when they say that to me now, I go, I was a nerd. I go, you're still a fucking nerd to me. Well, you're a nerd who probably did 28 movies. Yeah.

Well, I'm okay with everything. So, what was I going to tell you? How many movies have you done, you think? I don't know. Do you count? No, 34. Do people count? Really? And 81 cameos. Sandler movies. No, I've done, I don't know. I've done TV shows. I try to keep it moving. I did a tour this year, a stand-up tour.

Do you ever go on tour tour or do you just... I have to call it, I have to like rename just when I go out, I'm going to call it a tour. Because what's a tour? It's like I'm in this city this day and this day that. And it's helpful to sell it. It was stupid that I haven't, but I'm going to...

my, well, not rename, name. Because now, right, I just say, Rochelle, I'm in, you know, I'm in, fuck, I'll hear my plugs right now. June 3rd, I'm at the Met in Philadelphia. June 4th, the Wind Creek Event Center, Bethlehem. June 16th and 17th, at, at,

at the MGM Grand in Vegas. Oh. Yeah, what? Oh, I'm doing a thing in Vegas with Nikki Glaser. We're doing three more this year. We just did it last weekend. Here's how you know you're not crazy. Everybody, you're like Woody Harrelson. Everybody who ever has worked with you likes you. That's nice. People like, look, I mean, you're a huge podcast. Oh, yeah. You know, I mean, like some people don't.

Wouldn't come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, some people just, I'm not going to name names, but certainly even in the cast of SNL of that era are not like, you know, because they are crazy. Yeah. There are some people who are crazy. I'm not going to... Not all BFFs, for sure. I mean, that is a...

It's a war zone, and they always say, don't compare it to the war because it's not. I'm like, well, we all know it's not the actual war. But, you know, you go down there, you're basically down there with people, and it's a tough place. I like that you're such a pro-stoner. You have scissors. Not just scissors. These are, my friend Dave gave these to me. These are like, I call them circumcisors because it really, it gets right to the point. Well, let's see if it really...

You know, when Woody, your boy Woody did SNL, I think he tweaked up his monologue. I thought that was interesting. I've never seen that happen. Tweaked up? Like he changed it. I worked on that with him. But I don't know if he changed it. You'd be the one to ask. I don't know if he changed it. I just know that that's not really what they do there.

Absolutely, it's not. And I thought Woody was just cool because for comedy, do both sides. Let the host say whatever he wants. That's interesting. You know he and I are very close. Yeah. And I'm not just saying it for that reason. But first of all, what an amazingly great guy. Yes. And what a ballsy move. Because first of all. It might get your adrenaline going, I bet. Saturday Night Live. Mm-hmm.

I mean, that's the plot of certain movies, shows. It's live. They can't stop me. I'm going to do this. And this guy did it in real life. It was like, no, they can't because it is live. And I'm going to tell this story. Now, I don't know how much they knew about what the ending of that story was, but it was also a brilliant way to make that point. And look, Woody and I have had

There's too many hours of discussions about vaccines and COVID and stuff. I would say we're 90% on the same page, but I certainly don't go as far as he does. But the theme that he was putting out there, I certainly am on that page of we should be much more skeptical of pharmaceutical companies. It's so funny when the Sackler family puts out these opioids, you know, that's...

what is it, OxyContin, and they get sued for $8 billion they have to pay. And everybody goes, oh, well, the Sackler family, sure, pharmaceutical companies, billionaires, of course, corporate America, they can't be trusted. But when the same people are involved with, as Woody said, you know, okay, you're going to have to stay home until you take our drug.

Yeah, that's not to say that COVID wasn't a real thing or that the vaccine wasn't helpful to millions of people who would have died without it. But it is a point that should be made. And the fact that he was able to or willing to put his considerable popularity, because he's a beloved figure, and say, I'm going to take the hit of some political capital by making this statement in this very high profile arena. I mean,

You've got to give the guy props for that, even if you don't agree with it. Right. I wouldn't do it. I have no opinions. I don't even have an opinion about this. No, I love that when he did it because I watched it and I was like,

And when it feels like it's off cards, like cue cards, where you think, and I've been there, you know, I work there. And the monologue is like, you know, sometimes it's written early enough to be in read-through on Wednesday, and sometimes they throw it together on a Saturday. My monologue got derailed when I went back to host. Is that right? Sandler was in it, and it was the week in Waterboy opened. We're going back a ways, but Waterboy was such a big hit, he had to go back to L.A. to do something. Right.

Because it was that weekend. It was blowing up. We were like, holy shit. This is one of our guys, you know? Right. And it was so big. And he goes, I got to go. And I'm like, oh, he's in my monologue. And I'm already in 13 sketches going, what's my monologue? And they go, well, Lauren goes, just do something from your act. You're a comedian. I'm like, I don't never go on anymore. I'm on Just Shoot Me or whatever. Really? So I go, fuck. I pulled something from my last special and then something new I was working on. I go, but there's no practice. It's like, I do it once.

for six people, the crew guys, and then I do it on dress and then air. And so I did it and it was fun, but the monologue is scary anyway. Woody's not a stand-up.

I thought he was very ballsy to say that. And I think Lorne maybe knew he would do something like that. That's what I had heard. And I like that Lorne said, not it's your funeral, but just you do it. If that's what you think, you'll take the heat. Sinead O'Connor ripping the thing up. Tim Robbins, when I was on, came out and he wanted to slam GE. And that's our parent company. Right. And he said, GE, it brings good things to death. Oh!

Why? What did G do? They were doing something back then, of course. I don't know anything about politics. I was too busy putting my nails on for Gap Girls. So I couldn't give a shit. But I was like, wow.

And and he did it and Lauren's like like let him you know let him do it because it's part of the fun of the show and then later she kind of ripped up the picture and of the Pope and then They forgot about the Tim. Same show. Yeah boy these stories about SNL are great. We should do a podcast Wow, I'd know hmm, but anyway, what do you wrap that up? I thought I

I thought a very interesting choice to do that because now you've got to go to all your sketches when even the cast is probably like, holy shit, dude. Right. And it's scary enough to do that show. It's scary. Right. If you were to start a new business, what would it be? And don't say a chat GPT robot brothel. I'm sure that's already a thing.

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Stream White House Plumbers on HBO Max and check out HBO's White House Plumbers podcast hosted by Olivia Nunzi wherever you get your podcasts. It takes enormous balls and integrity to stand up for what you believe when you know that the opprobrium is gonna come at you forcefully. And of course it did the next day. I saw the stories on the internet. It was right, I mean, it hadn't been, it's funny because I said to him before he did it,

This might be a little too subtle for the crowd because it's a metaphor. It was cloaked in it, yeah. You cloaked it in this idea. Are they really going to get it? And of course they got it in two seconds and the haters were all over it. But I didn't know where it was going. I was like, oh, this is weird. And then I go, oh. It's so funny. This is an example to me of real courage. Whereas there's so much stuff that people do now, like in situations just like that,

where it's called courage, but it's not courage because his interest in courage. Courage is when you say something knowing you're gonna get booed or hated. It's not courageous to go, "I'm gay," in front of a very liberal audience that's going to give you a standing ovation. It's not wrong, but it's like that's not courage because they're loving it. - Well, you know, comics did Trump jokes mostly during the first election that Trump was like kind of a crazy person.

And then when they kept doing them, I'm like, all right, you can switch it now because now it's, you go, you hear what Trump said and then everyone applauds. So it's, as a comic, you go, that's fine, whatever your politics are, but let's find a new angle that is, it's ballsier to say anything against that to make people go, oh shit, you're not saying what everyone's saying. I saw this guy. He's an actor. I love him. He's, I think he's a fantastic leading man actor. I, I,

Oscar Isaac. Oscar Isaac, yeah. Not Isaac, Oscar. Oscar Isaac. Okay. I think. It's so funny because his name is Oscar Isaac. I always thought he was Jewish. Because he could be. He looks ethnically something. He doesn't look like he came over on the Mayflower. When he went to confession, he brought his lawyer. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I think you know Mr. Cohen. Wow. Wow.

An old Bill Maher bit, guys. Boy, the oldest. That's a great one. Yeah. The one I used to see at the improv. Oh. We all know our, like, original acts. I love it. Because those are the ones we saw each other do every night. I saw you on the chalkboard. I was new. And I'd see Bill Maher, Jay Leno, Seinfeld, Bells, Paul Reiser. I'm like, it's a fucking mountain. It was great. Everyone's good. That was a good training. Nealon, Bill Maher.

Dennis Miller. I remember hanging out at the Improv out here and Sandler was like just an up-and-coming. Were you? I don't think you were around, but I remember him at the Improv and we would go out to my car and listen to Beatles songs. Great. You think about... He's such a music dude, yeah. How far... But I'm going to finish my... Go ahead, Oscar Isaac. Okay, so he...

He's the host. This is like a year ago or something. Host of SNL? Yes. Yeah, okay. Okay, so he comes out and in his monologue he reveals that his name is not

Oscar Isaac that's like those are the first two names yes, but his name is Oscar Isaac like I don't know and then it's two Hispanic names. He's I don't know exactly well You didn't watch this episode. I guess you know it's still on now that you're not Okay, why would they keep it on? We peaked so so he says

My real name is Oscar Isaac, you know, Hernandez Rodriguez or whatever it was. And the audience erupts in applause because it's like the woke audience, you've been cured of whiteness. It's a miracle. We thought you were white. It's a gift from God. Great news. It's a gift from God. Oscar Isaac is not white.

He's not white. And then, and again, I like this guy. I think he's actually done great. I mean, lucky he was hosting that show. And I think he's still underused. But then he says like, yeah, those, the first two names, those are the ones they gave me. And like, who's they? Freak.

First of all, like they gave like meaning like the agent like it's like it's 1950 and he's in the office of Louis B. All right. We're gonna call you. Yeah All right young man, the public would accept someone of Hispanic origin. We're gonna call you Oscar Isaac No, I'm sorry. We have a better one. You're gonna be bill. Joe. Yeah, Joe. No, it's like this kind of phony fucking posturing is what

They made me. They didn't make you. You signed on to that willingly. And, by the way, when you came along, it still would have been fine. Right now, it's fine. We're going to give you two first names. It's like, no. No, I know. 2010, what were they going to... We don't serve your kind. He was in... Because he did a sketch with Sarah Sherman I saw that was funny. And I said, who is that? They said, Oscar Isaac. And I...

They said he was in the Star Wars, but I didn't even, well, listen, it's good for him if I don't know who he is because I don't know what's going on. Oh, I know very much who he is. I don't see Star Wars, but he did a fantastic HBO limited series about a year ago. I think it's called Scenes from a Marriage. It might be the Ingmar Bergman thing. It's a little over your head, Dave. No, believe me, don't go by me. If there's something good, I'll never see it. Yeah.

Really? You wouldn't watch that? It was him and Jessica Chastain. It was about a marriage. Oh, yeah. Remember that one with DiCaprio? Everything has to be Joe Dirt. Really? No, I'll watch that stuff, but it's like some of them are just too depressing. Really? So what do you watch? TikTok. TikTok, really? No, I have seen it. Are you on, do you do a lot of the...

Kid stuff with the... I am on TikTok. You are? But it's bombing. Really? No, because I don't really do it. I would just plug gigs and everyone's like, whoa, that's not really what we do here. Really? Well, that's not really what you do there. Great. I didn't know that. Yeah. I mean, it just... If I joined it and I got 4 million people right away, so I go, oh, so it's more people...

that i could get work stuff out to but i do like doing a little comedy for it so it's but if you don't uh use it to plug what the do you have it for bill that's embarrassing to me well what if i learn a new dance um right that's true they say i'm a john bonnet i feel like being a me being on tic tac now at 67 would be like me walking into

you know, the hottest club in LA on just a regular Saturday night. Like, hey, I'm gonna be here at the club. No, sir. You're just, this club is not for you. Yeah, you know, one time I went out with, when I just started SNL my first year, no,

Maybe I just I knew love it and maybe Carby I just knew him barely or Dennis and we went to a Lakers game and then they go let's go I'd love it so say let's go to bar one or bar one of course I'm sure you fucking killed it there because but I was new and so I go oh, what's this thing? It's a club on Sunset Boulevard. I said great and so I we all went there and we walked up and a bouncer checks that he goes John love it's SNL and it was like Dana Dennis maybe it was then whatever and to me

And so we, yeah, I was a writer. I just got hired. So we go in, have fun. And then a week later, my buddy's in from Arizona. And he goes, what do you want to do? And I go, oh, there's a bar I went to called Bar One. Let's go there. And so we valet, we get out. And the guy goes, what's the name? Because he stops me, which is, first of all, bothered me. And it's a Saturday night. And he goes, what's your name? I go, he goes, you have a reservation? I go, no, no.

"Isn't it a nightclub?" I didn't understand what was going on. And he goes, "Yeah, we got a private party tonight." That's their company line, I didn't know that. - Always. - Always. - You got a private party. - It's like the legal way to say it. - Right. - And I go, "On a Saturday? "I couldn't believe someone rented it out." And then I go, "Oh, well, I was here last week." He goes, "Who are you here with?" I go, "Oh, I was with John Lovitz." "Oh, yeah, what do you do?" I go, "I'm on SNL." He goes, "You're a cast member?" I go, "Yeah, I'm a writer." And he goes, "Yeah, private party."

WJ is going to hear about this. So he said nothing we can do and my buddy was like let's go it's so fucking embarrassing got worse turned around and the value is driving with my car and I and then I had to wait for a target come back get the keys go back get it come back over pay him and my buddies like you're not famous at all I think some of your stories are lies and well I'm like famous, but I'm a writer

It doesn't count as anything. I mean, I'm sure there are people out there in America going, you guys are complaining about the time you didn't get recognized. But I just have to say, I've had that happen to me too. And it is pretty bad. It's embarrassing. It's like, you know. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And that's the thing. You learn that fame is something that in America...

Because we're so bifurcated that everyone has their little niche. Yeah. So, like, you can never depend on knowing who's going to know you and who's not. So you just have to go through life, unless you're like, you know, Drake or, you know, Obama or something. When you hear these people say, do you know who I am? They don't. It's...

I mean, if you say it, you're already at a disadvantage. So famous in its way it is, in the definition, you know who I am. If you don't, I'm not that famous. So when I go to places and they go, hey, there's going to be about a 45-minute wait. I go, okay. And then I either take off or wait, but I don't go, hey. Right, exactly. I think you got it wrong. I go, okay.

Some people know, some people care. People care at different levels. Some people see me and they go, I remember when I found out it wasn't a big deal. Someone goes...

Hey, there's David Spade. He goes, I hate that guy. And I go, ooh. So I thought, oh, it doesn't mean they like you. It just means they know who you are. They saw you on something. And I'm on fucking TBS every day for grown-ups or bench owners. So they're getting force-fed me somewhere from some cable or they see something. So it is fun to be known like that somehow, but it doesn't always mean it's like... Well, I have a tip for you. Yeah, go. For the...

Go ahead. What are we, in a business meeting? Go. You, Tom. Okay, so if you said, somebody says, we have a 45-minute wait, and you either go, right, or you wait. What I would do, what I have done, is very nicely say, okay, I was invited here. I'm so sorry, I was out somewhere else, and I met, I forget the gentleman's name, but he

seemed, everyone seemed to understand he was the owner of this place. And he asked me to come in, you know, whenever he said he would take care of me. So I don't know who this, I'm sorry, I can't remember his name, but, and they, the person who stopped. Starts to get the drift. Well, they get the drift and also they probably will get some other person, even if the owner isn't there. So you have one more chance. And it's,

probably somebody smarter and higher up who then goes hey knucklehead let him in the cheesecake factory that's a perfect ending to that we have tons of tables that's awesome he drove all the way down to the grove let this fucking guy relax

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I'm just so embarrassed to go like, I don't think you get it. But are you still going to clubs? I go, no. I go, maybe you know me from Grown Ups. They go, Chris Rock? No. Adam Sandler? Right. There's only five of us. You'll hit me eventually. No, you have to like not.

Exactly. I don't go anywhere where they would. A club, not a chance. There's one guy that's still on an old club list. I laugh about it with my friends that he still hits me up. Who? You mean to go to a club? He'll be like, hey, man, we're at the F1 in Monaco. We're doing a thing. I'm like, what? What?

I go, I hope it's... I say, if the F1 comes here and it ends at 9 p.m., I might go. Do you remember the times, like the era, I should say, when you knew what...

Every night of the week. Yeah, sickening, yeah. Club, like, and it was the same bunch of douchebags who would then go. Me. I'd go to Ludo. I'd go to Las Palmas. I'd go to Concord. I'd go to Spider Club. And like. So gross. I'm like, I should probably give Thursday off. They've seen me too much. Right. One day, that's it? Right. Give them a fucking month. You know why? Because here's the thing. We're probably the same with this.

I don't know, I was certainly no Cathode and the Pussy Beaker when I was in high school. I was not making any experiments happen. Sure. Okay. So, and then, you know, Cornell, that was horrible. Finally, I'm like a grown man, you know, and girls, I can make girls like me if I get to talk to them sometimes. Sure, yeah. So...

Therefore, having sort of wandered in the wilderness for so long, it was like, okay, there are these places now where I can afford to go to and that I can get in. And I can post up at a bar and see a pretty girl and start to talk to her and get her number, all that whole shit.

And it was like, if I can do that now. It was a little like Halloween. You know, like, this is a night they're giving out candy. I'm tired, but I really...

It ends after tonight. Like tomorrow I can't knock on some stranger's door and have them give me candy. But I can tonight, so I'm going to keep going. And it was kind of like that, but it took 10 years. Yeah, and fame is a window. So you go, hey, I might as well. I remember Ashton Kutcher. I just saw him on something. Who I knew him back in the day a little bit because he was on 70s show. I was on Just Shoot Me and we'd see each other a lot.

Super nice guy, but he said, I was a douchebag. He goes, I don't know. He goes, I had fame. First of all, he's tall, great looking. He has no problem anyway. And then he's famous and he's rich and he's on a hit show. It's just too much. He said, I probably...

There's no proof, but he was just like, I'm sure I was a dick. Because it's just too much. Too much. Now, luckily... I've never seen him be a dick. No, he's always nice. He's always nice. I just thought it was kind of humbling that he just said that. I think he's being very hard on himself. Yeah, he's being hard on himself. But I get that when you go...

In those days, like, it's mostly your friends going, can you get us in here? Even if you don't want to go out, they're like, just get us in and you can get the fuck out of there if you want. Just get us in and get us, you know, throw your card down. But then you can take off. So that is fun when people know you and you go out, but, you know, you go into it. I do wish I had stopped living that life earlier than I did, though. Even though it was still available to me, if I was a more mature person...

an early maturer, which I never have been. We can't all have every great attribute. I wish I had... Certainly 40 should be the year you stop ever being in a club or a bar just for the purpose of being a single guy talking to girls. It should be something. I don't even know what would replace that. But the problem is...

For us, I regret never getting married. Do you? No, not really. I think also going to those places, now I go to dinner and I do a longer dinner and have a drink and then I don't. I used to go to dinner and then maybe have a drink and then go to a club.

And then it was I got rid of the club. Then I go to dinner, let's go somewhere else, have a drink. And now it's long dinner, drinks, talk, where you can hear each other. Because I realize your superpowers are gone. When you're at a club and you're yelling your jokes, it's fucking embarrassing. No one hears them and that's my only thing I got going. No one looks across the bar and goes, ooh, this guy. They're looking, it's just strictly on the surface. Who's the most attractive person I can talk to? Because no one's talking. They're just yelling and they're going, where are you going after this? I'm like, I just got here. Right.

Because no one has anything to say. What are you doing after? I mean, but that's the thing. And first of all, some of them are on their phone. They're not even in the room. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, this incredibly superficial room you're in, they take it one step beyond that. They're not even in that room. They're not even next to you. They're just like... They're like, right. Yeah. So, I mean, look. We didn't have that when we were... Usually when we went out, there wasn't that at least. No. And I think things were so much better when...

people i mean i know this sounds like get off my lawn but like when we're sure it doesn't mean it's not wrong no i don't listen i don't want ai i just think we should just stop about a year ago i go we should just stop inventing things now we're good for about 10 years like everything's going well we have to keep inventing keep pouring money things and keep and then you go but it just gets more and more complicated more my house i just moved in who has a bunch of

It's not even regular light switches, it's just like, "Nyong, nyong." And I go, "Nothing works, everything's shitty." I wish I lived in a dump like this. I sort of miss it, you know?

No, I'm kidding. This is good. Well, I don't live here. No. You know that. This is the club random. This is like in the metaverse. And you know what? If I invited you to a party here, you would never come. Shut up, Bill. Because you're in bed at 9 o'clock. I remember a while ago I told our manager, Mark Fairwitz, hey, handsome. What?

I said, we have the same manager. And I said, I see more and more clips of Bill's show because they come across my phone. I mean, I came across them.

But I see you on there and I go, I watch and I say, oh, this was funny. And then he goes, tell him. You tell him. You talk to him every day. He goes, you got his number. And I go, all right. So I've texted you about three times, but I don't think I have your old Hawaii number. You must, because I would certainly have answered. So I say, hey, Bill, this was great when you said this. Really? Because I see it and I go, fuck, man, this is stuff that I. Well, here's a rule of thumb. If I don't answer your text, it means I never got it. Three years? Yes. I'm not the bouncer from 1997 who didn't know who you are. I'm.

No, I think you would at least say, oh, you know, yeah. So I keep saying, Mark. Okay, well, we'll remedy this tonight. Yeah, we will. But you don't ever stay out late, do you? I don't stay out that late anymore. And also, I don't do drugs. I used to do a little bugger sugar, you know, just to bump it up a little bit, you know. Just a little power flower. Chish, chish.

But that, and I realize that would keep you up, but in the last 10, 15 years, it's too tricky. No, we can't do anything exotic at our age. Well, I think I did, there's twice when I did a little extra and I felt like a little jittery and I go, it's a bad feeling. You can't. And I go, I don't want to go down that way. I'd rather not. No. Look, you have to make concessions to age. Yeah. You know, you look good. You look good.

Whatever you are. Yeah.

But a good version of that. And that's all you can do. That's all I got going for me. No, no. I mean, that's good. I agree. Thank you. No, yeah. You look healthy. You look like yourself. Yeah. The worst thing you can do is to do some fucking surgical intervention and you don't look like yourself, as I say in my act, then you're old and weird. I might just do the lips. No, but I see people and some things are too big or something. And you know what? Nothing...

says sends the wrong message to a woman like plastic surgery on a man because i asked you before or somehow came up like why do you think this you know you were always so popular with women they like authentic yeah what is less authentic than a man or who like can't

to like, you know, pie. You wrestle with it though because I think we're all insecure. But it doesn't work. That's the thing. If it actually worked, Fran Lebowitz had the great line, no one will ever have it better on that. She said, no one looks at a 65-year-old person with plastic surgery and goes, look at that young person. So what's the point? Be authentic. Yeah. Girls that are 27 and they get it, I mean, we've...

made women feel so badly or whatever, but they go, oh, we got to get it. And so normal women out in the real world, they're getting lips and everything. You look 40 when you're 27 and you go, you know what? Sorry. Nobody put a gun to your head. Okay? You made a dumb fucking choice. That's it. Yeah. I saw this article

story about, I think it's Linda Evangelista. Do you remember her? Yeah. The supermodel from like the 90s? Of course. While you dated her or something like that? No. Okay. No, just like a stunner. There are a lot of pictures of you with like a woman who's a foot and a half taller. I think they all start a foot and a half taller. Yeah. Yeah. But really, I mean... Minimum, yeah. It only made you look good. No, it's fine. I try not to push it out there, but yeah. But she...

She did something that ruined her face. That went sideways on her, yeah, unfortunately. And I feel bad for her, but I have limited sympathy for people who do it to themselves. You know, you did something for vanity. Yeah. And something that is...

advertised to be, you know, probably works 99 out of 100 times, but do you really want to be that? Yeah. Because it seems that they seem to have it down pretty well for like, I don't know if the Kardashians have had anything, but if they have, they've got it wired because butts are curvy, everything, you know, it all seems to like look good and you go,

Now, is it a great message for young women? I don't know. Well, don't Google breast jobs that went bad. Yeah. Because there's... There's a show I'm producing. For TLC. Right. But you know what I'm saying. I mean... It's hard. I get it. I mean, I think Linda Evangelista's supermodel

was probably in that George Michael video and you know at a certain point you've just got everything and then if it starts to slow down you know it's the same with all of us we all can't really do these things on the body I mean I certainly understand that there's a real thing that is being trans being you know so-called born in the wrong body but you know whatever the remedy that we decide for whatever individual

They are not putting enough emphasis on the fact that you can't expect someone to be really healthy for the balance of their life when you do something as radical as take away their penis and put in a vagina or vice versa.

These things are intrinsic to your health. It feels like health is number two below this makes me feel, and that is important. Yeah. Any surgery is very scary to anyone. And so the more you do, the more it can go the wrong way. I agree with what you're saying. Have you ever had surgery? No.

I mean, I've had a hernia. A hernia? Voluntary. Why? Why did you get a hernia? Because I lift weights every second. No. Because I have a Soloflex in my house. A Soloflex. I had one in my apartment on Westbound. Yeah. With the rubber bands. With the rubber bands. Oh, my God. No, I just got one because old or something. And then I had one. I have to get another one for a...

sinus surgery, but I'm just saying those things, you get scared because the last second you're in there going, what if this goes wrong? Even a colonoscopy, you go, which I did one recently. Let's look at a clip. Do you have a clip? We don't have a clip? I sent one. But even those, you're about to go under and you're like, some people don't wake up. So you get scared. Now, if you're doing something really

you know, you're really getting in there in your body. That's scarier. I mean, that's the whole thing of plastic surgery in any way, shape or form. It's risky. So... You know, even though it's like the slowest moving Bronco chase ever and it's been foretold and then happened in such slow motion, I still can't believe that we who were the young comedians are now the old comedians. I know. You know? I mean, it's like...

You know it's going to happen, and yet you can't believe it did. Yeah. You know, what are you talking about? I will say we are lucky because in the comedy world, you don't have to retire that fast. Much better than music. It's great. I see your show. I'm like, Bill looks the same. He's doing the same show. He's getting laughs. You have interesting stuff. Elon Musk, all these people. It's like fun. It's kind of an advantage that we were never the pretty boy. Yeah. Because then we never had that to lose. You know? Yeah. It's not like...

Hey, George Hamilton lost his tan or whatever. Girls always say, guys are lucky. They go, when you get older, you just get better looking. Not you. And I go, well, if you're a good looking guy and your hair gets a little gray, it's great. But not everyone turns into a butterfly when they're 70. No.

No, but women are much more deep than us. Sure. Like... I agree. No, in the sense that we're more superficial. The old saying goes, women fall in love through their ears and men fall in love through their eyes. I thought it was boners. I heard something different. Yeah.

I don't know who is on the bathroom wall. No, I agree that that's what I say early. You're such a good comedy partner because you never drop the ball. We go back and forth. That's why it's funny. It's funny. No, I don't really do punchlines like you. Like you always come up with the punchline. That's the valuable guy. And oh, can you believe that this town's on strike? Is that affecting you?

Well, you know, I think I've been through one or two. You have too, right? They're tough. I mean, it's a little press at the beginning. I mean, I got thrown out of work this week. And then it gets, oh, that's right. I was supposed to do a show Friday. Oh, that's right. And Monday was, they hadn't taken the vote until the night. I did what I normally do on a Monday, which is put in a very long night, you know, putting together the first draft of my editorial at the end of the show and

And now no show. I mean, it's... Think about that, yeah. And it's... I mean, I don't want to get into the politics of it, but there is no... And look, I know the writers are getting screwed by the streamers, but... It's always hard to stop work. It's always hard to stop work because the money you lose just doing that is crazy. All the people who get thrown out of work. They use it to get rid of people, right? That too.

But also not just people who get thrown out of work who actually were directly writing, but the restaurant that was across the street from the studio where the actors went to have lunch. They showed that in the news today. They were showing all the restaurants that are empty. And you go, it's just such a trickle of...

I mean, listen, I have no answers. I'm a writer. I'm in the Writers Guild and I get it. But fuck, it's one of those, after COVID you go, oh. The drug dealers who don't get the same order that they do. Exactly, that's what we're getting at. The hookers who would normally go three and four at a time to certain. Yeah, the IOUs with the hookers is embarrassing. That's another thing I think you and I agree on. Like, we would never want to be with a girl except,

If she really, whatever our flaws are, you have to really want to be with us. We can't just buy you. Because that wouldn't feel, you wouldn't feel good about yourself. Because anybody could do that. Lovitz could do that. I'm just making. I don't know. I'm kidding, John. We love John. Balderdash. I saw Lovitz this weekend. You did? Yeah. I did Las Vegas. He was there and so we went golfing.

See, that's like the way people feel about bands, you know, like I feel is the way a lot of people feel about that gang of Saturday Night Live guys who like more than other cast members seem to have like this bond that went on, like more than the music, fans don't like to think of their fans.

favorite band members hating each other breaking up. I don't I don't talk to him. It's like please mommy and daddy. Why are you fighting? I hate it. And you you guys I think uniquely in the NSNL catalog like have this like band of brothers thing that went on. Yeah, you know, I'm gonna give any other grouping that does you know, I'm lucky a to have some friends from my era and then also the the

Dana, Dennis, Kevin Neal, like that era. Lovitz, I still talk to those guys when I can. I see Dana a lot. But it just, also there's- You're not all the same era? Well, we sort of- You don't know, you overlap some. We overlapped a little and then it went on to more, I think people think of more with me, Schneider, Sandler, Rock, Tim Meadows, those guys, and Farley. What about that first year with Chevy? Yeah.

When I was there, Chevy was fucking good. Chevy did one year and fucking tapped out, and he was a huge star. 6'4", good-looking. I saw Goldie Hawn. She goes, nothing like him. Formidable. He came into a meeting. I was like, really? Goddamn, this guy. Because they did two movies. And also, the good-looking but has a sense of humor so can play against type. That's what Cary Grant was. That's what Burt Reynolds was. That's what...

Ryan Reynolds is. Yeah. You know, that's the ultimate goal when you are the good looking guy but you don't act like it. You're just doing your thing. Yeah. I mean, that's so attractive to women. Yeah, you're just fucking around. Warren Beatty. Accidentally good looking, yeah. You know. That's not your only thing you have going. And then that's those guys. Well, Warren Beatty was always, I always thought was the ultimate because he was great looking, rich, movie star, famous.

But also like humble. Like he had very Midwestern manners. It was always about you. And also, it's like in baseball, he was a five-tool player. He also was like the most relentless player.

Like the stories about Warren Beatty. Like he would see a girl driving and he would pull her over. Yeah. Shit like that. Like just like, I have to get to know you, blah, blah, blah. And then of course he's Warren Beatty and it probably happened. And he's good looking and they give him a break. Yeah, and he's Warren Beatty.

No sevens are pulling girls over. Yeah, you have to have some... Right, it's like the girls that get away with murder are sort of great looking guys that get away with stuff that regular people wouldn't. There's a thing that the kids call pretty privilege. I've heard about it. Not directly. I've heard whispers. See?

- You always hit the ball, Brian. I feel like I would love to be a straight man. That is a great job. I would love to just be that guy. - I'm a straight man with Farley. I'm a straight man in a lot of movies. There's movies that really-- - Yes, that's true. - I go, I would do this movie because you need, in the wrong Missy, that movie for Netflix, I was straight. I read it knowing I'm not the funny part and I go,

You know what? I sort of like that. Ben Stiller, Jason Bateman. It's a great job. In over your head, straight man. It's like being the assist leader in basketball. Fucking fun. And then you just watch them score. After a while, it gets tough. But you just watch them score. But it's funny. That Wrong Missy did more. That movie did more for me. Because I guess it's about have one that works about every 10 years. That's my pattern. It's like, it goes Tommy Boy, then it goes...

Joder it was growing on us and it goes yeah wrong missy was one of the big ones on Netflix that they just call go it's worldwide number one again number one again and I'm like I don't believe they're like we don't believe it but good job so

Just trying to hang in there. Very few people have one hit, let alone... Yeah, it's hard to hang in there. You're doing the same thing. It's hard to just keep it going. I think what you're doing is harder because I'm doing the same. I've already got it. I've been there 21 years. All I've got to do is just do the thing that I have been doing, which, of course, if you keep doing the same thing, you're going to get better at it.

And like you said, we don't have to look awesome. We just have to look generically late middle age and not be offensive to look at.

Because you see a movie, it's like Will Ferrell is the dad, and you don't know his wife or how old they are, but you go, Will Ferrell. And everything, how old he is, he's the guy in this movie. Of course. And he's funny. Right. But if you ever go, oh, he's 59, and he's still... It doesn't make sense in the movie, but you go... Because you don't think that's old when you think about it, but when you go, oh, it's Will Ferrell, and he's the kid's coach, but you go, why would he have a kid? Let me tell you. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone.

Sylvester Stallone. Yeah, got it. You don't smoke pot. I was about to say. They made a movie about, oh, I didn't know. It was only a few years ago. It was a script that plainly was written. Was it them in a prison? I remember that one. It was a script that plainly was written for two men in their mid-30s. Laughter

I mean, they're hitting each other with pipes. Chairs. They don't even change it. Yeah, and it was just like they were so preposterously too old, both of them, for this movie. It was like one of them was in prison. Okay, you have to get arrested first.

Get in the prison. Yeah. And then break out of this impossible to break out prison with this guy who hates you. It's written for Robert Pattinson. And then they're like, Arnold says he wants to do it. And you're like, instead of your daughter being four, she's 40. I mean, Norman Lear was not available. So they went, yeah. And it's just like...

Yeah, but they're stars. Yeah. You know, there's something about... That's not the one where the boots stick to the ground. That's Nicolas Cage. Remember, he's in prison and he's got these electric... These boots that are magnetized to the ground. No. I'll send you a clip. I'll send you a link. No. I mean, but Nic Cage, there's a great example. He's great, too. What? He's great, too, Nic Cage. Yes, and also, I mean, he was just on 60 Minutes. Like, he has... He has...

Like, waited for the Ferris wheel. Yeah. He has a mystery to him and he comes back and... And now he's at the top of it again and it just shows, especially in this business. I mean, you were saying, like, every 10 years or whatever, but like...

That's life. We just happen to be in the business of show. So for us, it's like this kind of thing. Not everyone out is going to be a hit, and it's very hard to predict what is going to work and what's not, especially movies. I'm so glad I'm not in that game. I couldn't take it because so many things can go wrong. You read a movie, and every movie I've tried to do is funny from the beginning. There's so many ways to go wrong, like you said.

The table reads funny and then it goes wrong from there. It's like direction is tough, the editing, the co-stars don't get along. Someone's...

Something about it. The distribution, the poster, the release date. It's freezing out. Exactly. I mean, we had Black Sheep come out and they go, Larry King was like, there's a storm tonight, this weekend. They advised everyone not to leave the house. I'm like, what? Don't leave. Shut the fuck up. Like, not just there's snowing. They go, that's good for a movie. It snows. I go, not when they say don't leave the house.

the worst one we've had in 15 years and you go on so now uh for you kids watching uh back in the day as you kids would say uh we had to leave the house to see him yeah yeah you had to go out yeah they're like what are you talking about it's hard to get out and see it's hard to get people out to see did someone stash your phone outside or something why would you need to leave the house and you know when you watch a movie at home you can get distracted the same thing with like people that work from home i think there's too much distraction because i've done it and

when i watch a movie i look at my phone or i go in the other room when you're in a theater it's sort of the only game in town you're sitting at the internet and you watch it you're more into it i think i have i must admit i have only seen i think two movies in the theater in the last five years and some of that was covered but but some of that is just i got so used to not watching movies

All at once. I treat a movie like a book. I don't read a whole book in one sitting. Yeah, that's what I'm doing too. None of them hold my... If it held my attention...

Yes, I could see but it's like yeah, I like this but for 20 minutes And then I'm gonna watch something else for 20 minute people that shocked me are my friends, you know in fairness They have no jobs, but they they go they go up they have you know, they are they go I have a commercial audition Thursday I'm like this is what it's down to so they go. You know what? I watched last night up three seasons of Ted Lasso That's a hundred hours and they're like yeah

I go, what? How do you do it? They go, I blew through a season of... Okay, I went and re-watched Breaking Bad. I go... I know. I couldn't have... I do one. I'm like this. As good as it is, I don't know if I'm a snob, but I go, some of these shows are good, but I go...

It's not even the show. I just... The attention span. I don't know what it is. I agree. I don't understand the American attention span. It's either three seconds or forever. You know, like podcasts. Like, I would never have guessed that podcasts would be a thing. To me, it's like AM radio, a lot of it. It really is. Which wasn't cool for so long. So uncool. And also, like...

If we only do an hour, it's like, chintzy. It's weird. I tweet try to do an hour. What's wrong with two hours or three? And I'm like, whoa, who has this kind of... God's green earth is sitting there. I mean, Rogan, they're like five hours to three hours. And to binge anything? Binge? I can't get through an episode. Yeah. I think clips of podcasts, I see that on Instagram. So I see a clip of Theo Vaughn. I see my friends. I go...

Tim Dillon. That's funny. That's funny. But I don't ever watch the whole podcast, but I go, this is the good part. And I judge going, that's funny to me. These guys are funny to me. And I form an opinion about. Yeah, I must say, I kind of hate that we live in this clip world because people say to me, you know, Billy Corrigan. He was on your show recently. Yeah, just this before you got here.

We were talking about it in an interview, and he said, yeah, I saw clips. And it's like, I want to go, thank you, and also, fuck you. I know. I heard him say that. It's like, I just want to go, oh, what's a shame. But nobody ever seems to want to watch anything in its fullness. Or, you know, we do certainly have fans who do that. But I feel like we move into this clip-driven world of like, just give me the...

Just give me the tastiest tip of the... Yeah. You know. Because people say, you know, your movie, I've actually seen pieces of it. I liked it. Right. That's another... It's a good Hollywood thing. Saw pieces of it. I mean, I've had people who said with a straight face, like they were trying to compliment me on Religious and said, I started it. It's like, that's not a compliment. You know, like... You know, SNL has it down. Like, if you follow, even like you on Twitter...

It'll show in full one of your full segments. So it's really the whole show. SNL, here's Weekend Update. Here's someone on Weekend Update. Here's a sketch. Here's the monologue. So if you want, one at a time, you can go back and watch what you want to watch. A lot of things do that. Yours is bigger because it's on like

the internet, like people will pull it on the next day and say, you said this. Right. And you'll click and it'll be the whole model. So if you miss it, you see chunks, but you see a fat chunk, you don't just see a minute of it. Right. It'll go beginning, middle, end. And that's the way I see a lot of stuff because, I mean, they're not there or I'm out there making millions doing shit, you know? But you are. No, not all at once, but it adds up. Yeah. Yeah.

You've had a fucking amazing career. I mean, not everyone comes off that show. That was a hard move. That's the hard one. That gap right there. Right. Because a lot of people... They said you can do your own show for a network. That was back when it was just the networks, really. The Big Three and Fox. They said, we'll give you your own show. Right. Half of SNL. You get one swing. Right. Right.

And I watched, I think it was Arsenio, had all the heat in the world, did his own sitcom and didn't work. And they're like, okay, he's done, what else? And they're like, brutal, is that? Brutal. One swing, and you think it's gonna be forever. So that's when I joined Just Shoot Me. They go, or you could be the fifth lead on a show that they might pick up.

And I said, it's farther down the line. It's past pilot stage. It's a pilot I could watch. They didn't have someone kind of like me. It was really good. That's smart. It's from a guy that did Larry Sanders. And NBC already likes it. It's almost on the air. Right. And I go, let me jump in here. Perfect. And the same thing that I went over. I never knew that. That's really interesting. It was engagement. It was a pilot. They were already wanting to pick it up. If you join, we'll pick it up.

So I'm already at the one yard line to do a pilot from scratch. Right. You're right. It's too scary. That's the activation energy point, as they would say in chemistry, where we see whether these two compounds combine to make a new compound or fizzle. And that was a very smart move. That's the key moment there. Yeah. Like you picked the right horse. I see it also, and this sounds crazy, but when you watch football and you see like a great receiver, a great quarterback,

and they want more money and they switch teams. And you go, and you never hear from them again. I go, you should just realize there's something that's working with this group. And I can't say what, no one knows what, but that's where you work best. And it's working, it's working. You go somewhere else, something's different, and there's something about it and it falls apart. And that's what this kind of like TV shows of. If you get cocky and say, I want to do my own, and it doesn't work, that mental beating of trying to go back and get your heat back is just too hard.

But it's nice that we both got to a point where, first of all, I had so much anxiety when I was young about, am I going to be a failure or not? Because it's very easy to be a failure. You can either be a failure right at the beginning and never get anywhere, or come off SNL and then just kind of...

Yeah, it's hard to get on something. If it doesn't work, then that's a misstep, and then it's a little harder, and then you get the second lead on a pilot, and then if that doesn't work, then it's really... To me, that's a lot of my mental calmness is like, okay, I was not a failure in this life. I chose this profession and was a success.

and found a nice piece of real estate, and same with you. You found a nice little piece of real estate. - Get something you do and just try to do it. - Are we Austin Butler? No. - Easy. - But we weren't dealt that hand. We made good with the hand we had. - Yeah, it's hard after five years, after 10 years.

All right. I know you're wrapping me up. Can you bring my car around? I want to stay a little longer, but my car's coming around. I'm sure you won't be here at the party I'm going to have for you. Oh, we're going to have a laugh party? What if it's in your honor? Oh, I'd have to stay a few minutes? What if it's a party in your honor? Then you'd have to come. I like your gravity. You can fucking stay six minutes and do this. Thanks, Bill. Is that the end? Club end.