We Tested How Fancy We Are
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good evening gentlemen how are we doing tonight i'm doing fantastic wait what the hell great to hear tucker you're looking dapper may i say thank you may i just say you are looking wow it's incredible underdressed is an understatement that's uh that is one word i'd say for ted really this moment ted did you not get the the memo oh about what we were what we were doing today october 1st it's been

It's been in the playbook for a while. October 1st, fancy day. Fancy day. Fancy day? Fancy day. It's fancy day was on the calendar today. Yeah, no, guys, I swear that, like, no, I'm signed up for the emails and all that. I mean, I swear I...

You're on the mailing list? Yeah, I'm on the mailing list. Because it is Fancy Day today. Fancy Day? The Fancy Day. And in the calendar for probably six months now. I thought it was Casual Day. No, in fact, every other day, Tucker, I think, is Casual Day. This one is specifically the first day of October. Really? It's Fancy Day. Everyone knows it's Fancy Day. My notification woke me up this morning. Yeah. What the hell? The Fancy Day?

What's going on, Ted? Why are you not- why are you not fancy today? Yeah, fuck you guys! Whoa! Fuck you guys! Oh my god, he's going right there! Yeah, bitch! Wow, that was quick! Yeah, bitch! Welcome to fancy day. Wow. Now I'm a little bit peeved that you boys thought that I didn't have a suit ready to go at any moment. That caught me by surprise. Because I do! You tried to pull a fast one on me, but I'm the big man.

I'm the fancy boy. Fuck you guys. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. I messaged Tucker this morning. I'm like, let's have fancy day today. Let's not tell Ted. Let's turn our cameras on right when we hit record to kind of catch him off guard. That was fucked up. That was fucked up. Yeah, we thought it'd be funny. No, it was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. And may I just say, may I just say, with all the thoughts that may be flying around in your guys' brain, I did not know you were going to do that.

I just happened to have done Cutie Cinderella's stream the other night where I dressed in a full black suit and sang. And I sang my way, Schlatt. I sang Frank Sinatra. And I happened to have a fucking full suit in my office. Okay. Hey, you know what? Cheers to that one, buddy. Cheers to that one. Appreciate that. Yeah.

No, yeah, I got a suit I'd ready all the time. He's got a cup ready as well, this guy. I was prepared for every eventuality, you know? Wow. Do you keep a blazer as part of your everyday carry? Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. At least that's part of the LA life. Yeah, no. Always ready for a red carpet event. And you know what, Schlatt? Because you're dressed up all nice and dandy, I mean, I surely can't.

I mean, yeah, no. And I got the long jean on. Ooh, the long jean. The long jean. Yeah, no, surely I... Can we get a fit check, Shlatt? I can't. I can't be... While Ted gets himself together. I can't be, you know... Oh, this is fabulous. Just saying, you know. You like it? I like it. Oh, a little wrinkly, dude. A little wrinkly. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's...

This is a used suit. Let's not get it twisted. Oh, I thought you were fancier than that. This was like a couple days ago. I didn't get it dry cleaned yet. Oh. In fact, I'm actually, it's a rental. Oh.

Wow. The truth is out. I see Tucker's wearing the only suit he owns, the one he got married in. Yep. Damn right. I'll die in this suit. Yeah. Looking good in it. May I add. I've been wearing this suit all week. Honestly, it's a good thing I'm wearing a white shirt because if you weren't paying attention, it kind of looks like I was ready. It does. It does kind of look like that. You were about as ready as you possibly could have been. Even a little bit more. Yeah. No. I...

You went above and beyond. I'm actually kind of hyped. I walked in after that concert and I had it all in my little suit bag thing and I was like, do I want to take this upstairs? And I was like, no. Something's pulling me to leave it in my office right now. Something otherworldly, like someone's conspiring against me and I need to dress like Bond at any given moment.

How did you do? Let's talk about this because it's hot on the mind. I think I did as well as I could in the circumstances. Everyone loved it and people were hyping me up in the chat. But for me personally, I was like... Here's the thing. I think that if I had an opportunity to record it in the context that you did and be able to use the programs and stuff, I would sound a little bit better. When you get up...

And I challenge you to do this, actually, Shlatt. You should come out and maybe do a song for one of the Cutie Centerella streams. I feel like people would really like that. Do I have to go out to L.A. for it? Hard sell. No, just the City of Angels. And when you get up there, you know, I was practicing all the time. I was using my belt box so I don't bother my neighbors. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Can't even hear me. Hey, me! Hey!

But no, I was practicing and singing a lot and doing all the stuff you get up there and you start to get nervous, you know, because I don't sing that often. I do stuff. I'm I'm comfortable in most performance circumstances, but because I haven't sung that much in a long time.

I was getting up there and my heart was pounding. So my voice is a little bit wavery and I wasn't really hitting the notes as strongly as I wish I could have. So I cringe a little bit watching it back, but I hit most of the notes and I think I did a good job. You did a good job. Nice. Well, I'm happy for you. And now I've done the harder my way. That's all I'm going to say.

Oh, I've done the harder. What do you mean? What do you mean? The harder one alive as in like I'd one up to you.

Let's play both of those back to back. Oh, I'm sorry. You want to play the hyper-produced, melodined version of your song versus me singing it live, babe? That ain't going to work for me. Yeah. No, I'm telling you right now. In fact, I do. I had the courage. Emma, can we play that back? No, no, no, no, no. Play the last note back on both of ours. Go. I'll do it right now. Ready, ready? Wait, what's the note? What's the starting note? Huh?

I did it my way. Wow, that's really impressive. There you go. I did it. Fuck. Give me a second. What happened there, pal? I did it my way.

I wish we could hear it. Ted, every time you scream into that microphone, it just mutes you. For years. It just mutes you for years and years and years. Let me try this again. You know what would have helped you there? Let me try this again. Some throat coat with some honey. You know, you get that natural throat coat. I did it my way. Turn off the auto adjust. Did you get it?

We got it. Oh, I heard it. I heard it. I wasn't very impressed. I mean, I think the one I did. Slap, were you in theater? I topped yours. Was I in theater? Here's the thing, Slap. I'm singing it in your range. I did it. And my way. A little bit of something there. There was a little something, but nothing some yellow chartreuse can't fix. Chartreuse.

Now, riddle me this. I'm operating. You got to understand that that's higher for me in my register than it is for you, though. No, it's not. It's the same note for both of us. Oh, okay. So are we going to go back and forth on low notes then, Schlatt? Is that what you want to do, buddy? You want to talk about register. You want to go deep down low. No, I think I want to talk about register. Riddle me this set. Yo, all hands, hoist the colors high.

Thieves and beggars never shy. That's actually convenient. I'm getting a call right now. Yeah. Why don't you be the true fancy man that you are and give me some of that? Starting note. Go for it. I'll be right back.

I think you scared him right out of his chair. And just like a rat. Like a rat! From the sewers, he runs off into the streets of New York to iron his suit. What do you think he's doing? Dude, I feel so good about the fact that I had that suit. That was pretty cool. I'm feeling fucking rascal. I feel like a rascal. Yeah, like a little dapper rascal. Ted, Ted, you know something, buddy? I think it takes a little bit more than just a deep voice to be truly fancy. Okay. You know? Wait, wait.

In fact, I think it takes some equipment, some may say. Some aluminum, some aluminum, some may say. What is this? Oh, you know how I just poured myself a glass of chartreuse, Ted. Are you responding with an ice cube? It's not just any ice cube. Do you not know what this is? It's not just an ice cube. This is impressive, Ted. I don't think you could pull this off. What's going on here? I'm just making a perfectly spherical...

cube of ice for my chartreuse. This is so interesting because I always wonder how, why is it doing that so quickly? Is it hot? It's because it conducts heat very well. The material, aluminum as I call it these days. Oh.

It's like a reverse radiator. Yes. Yes, quite. I like it. And you've got it in a little, you've got a little pan on it too. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It comes with the pan. Here's the question though. While you're waiting for that ice cube to finish, you want to hit that note for me though? Yo. Yo. Yo.

ah look look i'll give you the low note all right yeah that's this you see what i'm saying i'm saying give me the sphere of ice give me the sphere of ice and i'll give you the low note i don't think you understand the argument i was making give me the spirit come on i'll give it to you i mean you have that's going for the full fanciness spectrum yeah singing is just one component squilliam squilliam fancy son the best character in spongebob that made about three appearances on the show

I just don't understand why he didn't make more appearances. Let's just talk about that. Hundreds of episodes of SpongeBob and three with Squiggly. He was a good character. He really did deserve some more screen time. He spawned a top 10 episode in the Bubble Bowl. He did. He did. Yeah, no, that's nice. That's nice. Welcome, everybody. It's too spherical. It's too spherical.

Hey, right into the chartreuse, buddy. Wow, that's great. He's got his design within reach glasses, too. I've seen those on the website. Perfectly spherical. Perfectly spherical. That's nice. Cheers.

Does it feel a little weird, though? Because it's like, you can't see the color of the liquid because of that color of that glass. Don't you want to have some sort of ornate? I just feel like you're missing some fancy here. You got a mid-century modern glass, and you're kind of like... I'm sorry. Are you telling me I don't know the color of my yellow chartreuse in my yellow glass, buddy? Yeah, so it's like, do we even know if it's chartreuse or is it... I match every cocktail to the color it is. Mm-hmm.

I have a color for every cocktail. That's crazy. That's eight colors. What's going on today? What are we doing today? Yeah, I mean, welcome everybody to Chuckle Sandwich. Kind of got ambushed. Kind of got ambushed. But you survived. I think I survived. You did survive. I think I survived it musically. I think I survived it fashion-wise. I think I survived it in many ways. That was some guerrilla warfare we were playing. You know how the British lost a war because of that?

By the way, if you're British, all we know about the war and how we won it is that we used to hide in ditches. We used to hide in ditches and ambush you because you guys still did war in a line. You guys would line up still. So real, I just don't understand why you did that. And that's why we won.

I'll tell you what. I think that my, I think my recovery here was probably similar level to my, what the fuck is a sub line? I don't remember that. Oh, that was so far ago. Really? You don't remember that? That was my strongest. That was my strongest conversation win that I had had. I had had, because you were arguing that,

The reason why a sandwich is a sandwich is because there's two individual pieces of bread that weren't connected. And then I said, riddle me this schlatt. Then what the fuck is a sub? You think about this. I do. I do. I do. Whenever schlatt really bothers me, I'm like, but I won that sandwich conversation three years ago. I won that sandwich conversation. That's what keeps you sane. And I did really well. And people clipped it and they put it on TikTok.

That's why I'm worth something. Welcome, everybody. Ted, what did you get on the BuzzFeed quiz? The how fancy are you BuzzFeed quiz? Did you do that one? Oh, so this is what we're doing. This is the sort of thing we're doing here. What? I've got the quiz right here. How fancy are you? The moment I walked into this call and I was like,

their cameras aren't on. I was like, what are they wearing? That was sort of the first thing I was thinking. Yeah, were you? Yeah, dude. If you guys were both not turning on your cameras and then... Schlatt's a terrible liar because he's a...

He's like, I'm on on both fronts. I'm like, no, he's not. And he knows it too because he's a technologically capable person. He's not grandpa. He's not grandma. And he's definitely not Uncle Joe. That is true. I did work in the campus IT department. So it's hard for me to fake that I don't know how things work. So what was going through my head at the time was I was like,

I was thinking that you guys were going to be dressed like elves, to be honest. That was the first thing that flashed in my mind. I thought Tucker and Schlatt both were going to have points. We still got two more months. Dude, I thought you were going to have pointy ears and you were going to be like dressed in like, like you were coming straight out of Middle Earth. Like that's sort of what flashed in my head. And then I was shocked to see that. That's not even the right elves. It,

Wait, so you thought we would just be doing Lord of the Rings cosplay? That's not even like a Christmas thing? I don't know. You don't even know what Lord of the Rings is. Why would I be in that? I don't know. If anything, it'd be a hot, fuckable twinkie. Here's the thing. I knew something was going on. And... Wait, who's...

I assumed that it was something that Tucker had dreamt up. My hands are fucking clean. That's crazy. No, I had the suit. This is crazy. This is probably the most amount of preparation you've ever done for a podcast episode. Yeah. This took like two minutes to put on. I'm not even wearing pants. No, like the court sustains. Yeah. Yeah.

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Sure, you still do your own laundry, but it's with premium fabric softener. You're a person of taste and class. Oh, shit. Okay. Swallow your brandy in the air with pride, you fancy thing. What the hell? So was I supposed to take that? Or did Tucker, did you take it? Did you not get the email? I took it. What'd you get on it? I got a 46 out of 52. Whoa, dude.

Whoa! That's fancy! I've been known to be pretty fancy. That's crazy. Wait, should I take it right now? I mean, oh yeah, we should. I think it's kind of pointless if you take it, Ted. I mean, you showed up in a t-shirt. I'm currently in fancy right now. I think you should take it. I think you should take it. We'll see what he gets. If I'm the least fancy among us, then so be it. Move right on. Move right on. I will. I will. Um...

Okay, so I don't... We should go out to dinner like this in LA. I don't have the... Yeah, we could. I have to send this suit back tomorrow morning. We'll get you another. I don't have the infrastructure. BuzzFeed fancy test. How fancy are you? Just look that up. Do you want me to do it and I can screen record it? Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, let's do that. How fancy are you? You fancy, huh? This is from 2014.

The 2014 quiz, huh? So tick every box, Ted. Tick every box that applies to you. I use a knife and fork when I eat. Yeah. What was the last thing you ate? Interesting. Wait, hold on. That's not part of the fucking, that's not part of this. Well, I just want to know. I'm just trying to confirm that. Just helps us. I had steak frites with chimichurri. That's quite fancy.

Yeah, it is. It is. That was last night. Did you go to Boa? I went to Boa on Sunday. How often are you going? Not as often as you might think. Because you say that, too, every time. No, it came up. It came up where we were looking for a place to go. Wagyu just fell in my mouth. We didn't have Wagyu. It wasn't a Wagyu night. Oh, I know you have to say that. You can't go there and have Wagyu all the time. It's like...

you know, it grows. Honestly, if I had it, if I had it that time, I'd probably get grossed out by it because I was starting to feel a little bit grossed out by it the most recent time. It's just so whatever. Um, it's very rich, very rich. Yeah. Um, but then actually then, I mean, I'm on, I'm on chimichurri train now.

Because when I was there, I had a little petite filet with a chimichurri sauce, and it was fucking awesome. It was delicious. Of course, when it's not Wagyu, you get some chimichurri on it. That's the best pairing. Of course, everyone knows that. So it's like this? You've had this before, Tucker. Oh, yes, delicious. I don't really know if I have, but I would. Chimichurri just tastes fresh. There's one word I have for it. No, it's the green shit.

You're still eating steak. I mean, it's just the green shit on top is cherry. Yeah. Okay. But back to the quiz. Yes, I use a knife and fork when I eat. Not one of the burrito. Do you use a napkin when you eat? Yeah. A cloth one? When I'm at restaurants, what's the... I wouldn't check that one, Tucker. Did you guys check that one?

I'm not going to reveal my answers. No, you see, because people were mad at you when you didn't reveal your answers earlier, Tucker. Do I have no privacy? You don't have any privacy? Yes, I use a cloth napkin, yes. I have about six of them freshly folded on my counter. Are you fucking kidding me? I did not check that one. I'm not going to lie. Whenever I've been with you...

I've been given paper towels. I've been. Yeah. If you don't use a cloth. You deserve a cloth napkin. You're probably going to blow your nose out. We have no evidence if this actually exists. Tucker, take one off of your score. What about a fish knife? These are your questions. I don't know what that is. These questions are being catered to you. We're going to leave those unchecked. What about a cake fork?

Definitely not a cake fork user. Wash your hands after the bath? Yeah. Every time? Surely. After COVID. Oh, yeah. Are your shoes polished? You wash your hands after you piss every time? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'd check it, but I don't believe you. What, are you watching me? You watch me while I piss? You want to commit to that, Tucker? If I could, I would. You called me. You let me know. You called me on the phone yesterday just to let me know that you were pissing. Did you not? Yeah. I wash my hands after. Yeah.

All right. I was telling you the other day about how I got the nice hand wash, too. I'll say I harbor a certain kind of disgust for people who don't wash their hands every time they use the bathroom. If someone's over at my house, I have a subconscious timer going. After I hear the flush, you need at least 10 more seconds in there, buddy. You ever send somebody back? I've never, but I have. Their social credit score has lowered in my head.

You're not done. Back in there, bud. I have a towel holder that when you pull the towel off, it always swings back and hits the wall. So that's the sign that I look out for. You can hear it when they're drying their hands. I see. What if they held the towel thing while they took it off?

They didn't want to damage your wall because they're so fancy. It would have to be a combination of that plus an extra 10, 15 seconds after the flush. Okay. Yeah. Are your shoes polished? Do you think this specifies every shoes? Because even fucking Bill Gates and the Prince of Wales has a fucking pair of sneakers, right? This is up to you. I think you should probably just show the closest shoes to you right now.

The closest shoes to me? Yeah, are you wearing shoes even? I'll find some. Are you guys even wearing shoes? What did you- I'll show you the closest shoes to me right now. What are you two doing? I'm over here fucking sporting. Right here, Tucker. Oh, interesting. Now, Tucker, tell me, does that look polished to you? That does look polished. Thank you very much. Let me ask you something. Do these look polished? Oh, wait, Ted, yours might not have been polished compared to that. Okay, it's a different material. Those are tuck shoes. They're made of a different material. They're coraframs.

Okay, well, these are fucking Alan Edmonds shoes. I'm very proud of this purchase. You probably got those at Joseph A. Bank. Look up Alan! I didn't hear a word, Ted.

All right. Are your shoes posh? I'm saying yes. Or are they suede? What does that mean? I'm confused. Do I have suede? Do you even know what suede is? I don't think I have suede shoes, though. Do you own more than two pairs of shoes? I do. Not including running shoes. What does that mean? Do you have like two sets of fancy shoes? Gotcha. This checkbox thing is confusing me. Do you know how to tie a tie? I do. Can you buy a tie bow tie? I cannot. Wait. What was that? What?

You're not even wearing a tie. You can't tie a bow tie. I can tie a tie. Do you need me to prove that I can tie a tie? I think the audience might want to see you tie a tie. That should have been Ted's fashion area. You know, Ted should have been showing up every week in a tux. That's what the fashion area should have been. I think everyone agrees. This would have been a much better version of Ted than the fucking cargo pants wearing vintage t-shirt hauling pants.

Brass knuckle wearing Ring shit that we see today He's a silver guy At least know his style Are you still wearing that bracelet he got you? Oh it broke It broke a couple months ago Yeah it's gone He probably bought that on Timo Yeah he might have But I think my wrist got so thick That I just blew it out You know

Oh, yeah. From lifting. Oh, yeah. From lifting weights. From doing this. You got this nearby at all times. Yeah, yeah. Or you get the barbell and you're just doing a little left forearm action. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. Yeah. Do some shrugs, too. Oh, I was shrugging this week. Traps. Oh, yeah. The calf raises, too. Yeah. I forgot to do those this week, and I was really disappointed in myself. I came home. I was like, damn it.

I didn't do a single one of those. Yeah, no, we know. We know. Yeah. I've been eating Hot Pockets again. Hot Pockets. My mom FaceTimed me when I was eating lunch, and she's like, what are you eating? And I panned down to the Hot Pocket, and she goes, oh, no, you're back on those? Did you have a previous Hot Pocket phase? I did when I was living with her. High school. And yeah, yeah, it's been a while since I...

Had hot pockets regularly, but I realized like you when you when you think about it I would always scoff at people who ate like, you know, like both pop-tarts in the wrapper I was raised like you open a pop-tart pack You only have one and so I was kind of raised like oh you only have one hot pocket, but I'm a big guy now I need to oh doesn't even have that box stays on check. Yeah. Yeah, I

But now I'm eating two Hot Pockets for lunch. That's only like 500, 600 calories. And then I'm like, I'm satiated. Sometimes I only eat one and a half. Sometimes I stop eating the second Hot Pocket. What were you doing with the other Pop Tart? Yeah, I can't find my time.

I was putting it back in the box. I guess I was putting it back in the box. Like open in the silvery foil? Hello? Yeah, yeah, I would. My mom would scoff at me. Hello? Ted, when you're eating Pop-Tarts, do you eat both or just one? Both. I've since updated my beliefs. I've since updated them. It comes in a package. Well, I was, yeah, I was shamed into only eating one as a child. Oh, okay. Yeah.

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Okay, ready? This is how you tie a tie. One twice as long as the other. You do it over, under, that, that, through there. Tie like that. Because you couldn't even provide one, I think we've all mutually agreed. No, I'm checking it. We're leaving that unchecked. Well, I'm doing the quiz myself, so I'm checking it. But you don't have a tie. No, I can tie a tie. No, that will make me mad. That will make me mad if you try to control that. I can tie a tie. All right. Can you tie a bow tie? No. No.

Uh, do you carry postage stamps? No, I don't. But neither of you guys do either. Oh, I absolutely carry postage stamps. I have forever stamps. Excuse you. I send a lot of letters. Forever stamp. I have a, I might have a letter. It lasts forever. What's a, okay. That you got to explain longer than that. You buy postage now and you send it whenever. Forever stamp doesn't expire. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, and you know what? Another thing about the tie thing. I fucking, uh,

NMP lol when I was at Hassan's stream of the debate lords. Oh my god. It can't go a single fucking episode. This isn't about Hassan though. It was just the context of the situation. Okay, buddy. He needed me. I helped him tie his tie. I tied his tie for him. Hassan? No. NMP. NMP? I didn't know that was a name. I know that to be true. He can't tie a tie. Probably.

It's actually quite easy to tie a tie. All you have to do is do it once or twice and then you'll get it. It is very easy. Which tells me something more about Tucker's fact that he couldn't even believe that I could tie a tie unless I could produce a tie for him. Well, I mean, you'd think you'd have a tie. I feel like I tied Tucker's tie for his wedding. I feel like I did that.

You did not. Still, it ain't so. That's a bombshell right there. I feel like I might have done that. Yeah. Yeah, I think I did. I don't know if that's true.

I guess they'll never know because I think it is. It could be true. It could be true. Yeah. What color was it? Wait, what color was it? What color was your tie? Yeah. What color was it? Do you need me? Okay, well, first of all, I was there at the wedding. So I don't know whether or not me tying your tie is going to, like, there's a giant fucking. What color was it? He didn't tie it.

Was it yellow? Fuck, dude. You weren't supposed to know. Yeah. Boom. Okay. Does your family have a motto? Yes. What is it? No way your family has a motto. Honor in all things. You know this. I said this at your wedding, Tucker. Honor in all things? Yeah. Tucker, do you not remember the speech I gave you? I don't remember almost any of that day. What the fuck? That's bad, dude. You're supposed to be wasting. You don't remember my best man's speech I gave you? Nobody remembers their wedding.

Just wait. It's way too hectic. You are seeing every person that is relevant in your life on the exact same moment. Okay, yeah, but fuck all those people. Let's talk about me. And you're getting wasted. Fuck all those people, Tucker. Fuck the grandmas. More importantly, you're getting fucking tough. Fuck your mom. Fuck your dad. And especially, fuck your wife. Remember me. I remember you gave a great speech. Fuck your wife.

Sorry, Emma. You're editing the podcast. But a crest? No. Wait. Hold on. There is a Nivison crest for sure. Yeah. It's definitely a Nivison. Oh, yeah. There's a Keen crest. I've seen this. We don't fly it yet. Okay. So do you always... That's something I want to buy. And when we go to Ireland, I'm going to buy it. An umbrella? Yeah.

No, a crest. You think I'm going to wait until we get to Ireland to buy an umbrella? Well, it rains a lot there, so that's why I thought you were talking about it. It doesn't rain a lot in LA, so I do not carry an umbrella. Always? That's crazy. Do you drink bourbon? Yeah, I'll drink bourbon. Do you drink whiskey? Sure, I'll drink whiskey. Do you know the difference between bourbon and whiskey? Now, that is a great question. And I think it has to do something to do with the type of...

of wood barrels that the spirit is aged in. - Are you right? - But you don't know for sure. - Yeah, you don't know. - I think I do know.

Yeah, that's funny that you're preface in each sentence with I think. No, but I believe I do know and I just said what I thought I know. It says, do you know the difference? And I'm pretty sure I do. But being pretty sure is just letting us know you're not sure. You can't be pretty sure. That doesn't make sense. Contradicts. I think. I think.

You got to check crest, Tucker. You're not doing this accurately. That's why I'm doing it on my own, too. You're not allowed to do it on your own. No, no. I am allowed to do it on my own because I know for a fact that when we finish this list, Tucker and I are going to have different answers. Well, mine are like, you got to get through the Tucker filter here. I'm like, no, you don't get that one. Yeah, exactly. This is why. Tucker's got his own little filter and he's like, do I...

Am I feeling like I want to give this to you beyond the actual accuracy of the answer itself? Yeah, he doesn't deserve that one today. Honestly, this time around, though, I'll probably... You know what? I'm going to say yes because Shlant probably said yes. And I need to compete with this motherfucker. Do you know the difference between whiskey and whiskey? No, I don't. I actually definitely don't. But I... Oh, sorry. Yeah, I don't. Check that. Awkward. Do you wear trousers even when you're the only one at home? I mean...

Would you guys consider these to be trousers? Yes. They have bell loops. Yeah. Nicely done. There we go. Do you wash your hair even when you know you won't see anyone for two days? Yes, I do. I can't even remember the last time I washed my hair. What? That's crazy, and you shouldn't have admitted that. My hair's this short. Are you kidding me?

I only shampoo it. Tucker, I bet you got that scalp smell coming off of you, dude. That's going to be bad. No, not at all. You better shower before you come out to L.A. I've been doing this my whole life. I mean, occasionally I'll get some hand, like my ivory soap. Your whole life? My hair is like, most of it is like millimeters. Is that where that smell comes from?

You never smell the dirty hair smell on somebody who has really short hair. It's always the long, unkempt... No, a stinky scalp you can smell from a mile away, dude. You can stick your fucking nose right there. You know what I'm talking about, Schlatt? Right there. You know what I'm talking about, stinky scalp? You're taller than me. You would know every time you hug me. Your fucking beak lands right there. I shampoo my hair every day. I'm not the one to talk to on this. I'm not the...

People think I'm weird for using shampoo every day. Do you shampoo your chops? No. Really? Interesting. I take a bar of soap and I go... I bet that feels kind of good. I bet there's a nice resistance. You wash your face before bed. Honestly, no. Wait, were you checking this one? Were you checking the wash your hair every two days? Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like you don't even shower every day. Yeah, you see, this is why we have different scores here. So you can't do this. I'm keeping you honest. No, I'm keeping you honest is what's the thing here. That's the thing. I'm keeping you honest, Tucker. Because you are an unreliable fucking moderator for 90% of the time. I'm a very reliable person.

Wow, that's crazy to say that and a liar too, clearly. Anyways, do you wash your face before? No, always? I said no. Do you brush your teeth twice a day? I should, but honestly, not always. Not always. Sometimes when I lick my teeth, you can run your tongue over your teeth. You ever feel like a little roughness? Actually, honestly, now that I'm wearing the Invisalign, though, I have been.

Oh, I have been because when you wear this, it like kind of keeps everything in.

Yeah. So like you want to brush your teeth twice a day. So actually I'll check that off. That's fair. Have you opened a bottle of wine only to drink one glass? No, I don't fucking drink one and actually just drink one glass, one normal size glass. You can tell this is a millennial mom. This is for a mom. Yeah. Wait for your wine phase, lad. It's going to rock your fucking world. It's coming. We're going to get a glass of wine at BOA. No, we're not.

We're getting a smoke show. We're getting a smoke show. The second boa, we're getting a glass of wine. Yeah, right, right. Can you promise that you've never responded to a text with K? Since when? Since middle school? Because I was definitely tossing that shit around in middle school all the time. Then you can't check it. I can't. You just can't check that one. Is the number of selfies on your phone currently under 20? No fucking way. No, dude. I've got like fucking two years worth of phone on here.

Half my Instagram is selfies, to be honest. Yeah, no, so I can't check these. Do you eat at least four portions of fruit and vegetables a day? No, dude. I'm fucking DoorDash and everything. I don't include in smoothies. Do you juice? Who the fuck juices? I think my wife does. Do you own actual pajamas? Pijamas? That's a weird way to spell it. Pajamas? Yes, thanks to the Game Grumps. Oh, wow. That's a deep cut, dude. Not including a free t-shirt.

That's not a free t-shirt. Oh, a free t-shirt. No, because it's not a free t-shirt. Those are pants and they button up. I jumped the gun. Yeah, you jumped the gun. I was so excited for you to be wrong. Do you have guest bed sheets? Yes, I do. And towels? Yes, I do. Do you say excuse me after a burp? Yes, I do. Do you own up to it when you fart? Yes, I do. It's a coward's way to not. And you know what? Those who don't own up to their farts, they should be executed. I'll say it.

Do you have a savings account? Yeah. That you put savings in? Yeah. That you don't take money out of? Yeah. Everyone should be checking those three. Do you take taxis often? Does Uber count? Are we counting Uber in this context? Yeah, I don't think Uber existed before this. Although, no, taxis are fancier than Uber.

Uber Black could substitute. I don't even know if LA has. I'd say you need to be taking Uber Black to check that one. I think he does. I'll take an Uber Black. It's faster. Although sometimes the prices are too much for me to bear.

do you take them like yeah when it when it when you when you get into lax and they're like oh yeah get an uber black from here no i think i'm taking the bus i think i'm taking the bus that little parking lot they got honestly dude the amount of times i've come into lax i just can't i couldn't handle it so i yeah i i'll admit i do take the uber blacks from lax and it is it hurts um i'm i'm yeah i'm taking a taxi last month in the last week yeah today no wow uh

Do you always tip? Yes. Do you always tip? Well, I do. Oh, that's it? Show me my results. Ooh. 30 out of 52. And see what I mean? Look at different answers. Okay. All right. But you are still firmly in last place here as the least fancy Chuckle Sandwich member. Wait a second. How does that make you feel? Now, now, now.

This is interesting. No, this is an interesting scenario here because what did you get, Tucker? I got a 46. Okay, let's do your test, Tucker. Knife and fork when you need it. I'm going to say this right now. I'm going to say this right now. Tucker, let's go through it. You have to lie. This has to be a lie to get a 46 on that test. Which is great. This is why we're doing this. Tucker, do you use a knife and fork when you need it?

No, I ate sushi with my hands today. Okay, so that's... Okay. So both of those are wrong. Without a napkin.

So you don't use napkin, okay. No, I don't. Okay, a cloth one? No. No. Fish knife? No. Cake fork? No. Do you wash your hands after using a napkin? Not after I pee, no. Okay, every time, no. Are your shoes false, Tucker? No. Or are they suede? No. Do you own more than two pairs of shoes, Tucker? Yeah, but only because I'm at gunpoint. Not including running shoes? Yeah, unfortunately, yeah. Oh, no, I only own two.

Wait, no, I own more than two. Not including running shoes? Yes, I have two dress and one pair of Vans. Okay. Do you know how to tie a tie? I tied this myself. Okay. Let me see that. Can you show that to the camera a little bit more? It's good. I was in the Marine Corps, so I know how to do that one. All right. Can you tie a bow tie? No. Absolutely not. Do you carry postage stamps? I do. Okay. Does your family have a motto? Nope. And a crest? No. Okay.

Do you always carry an umbrella? No. Do you drink bourbon? No. Do you drink whiskey? What? No. Do you know the difference? What? Not confidently. Do you wear trousers even when you're the only one at home? No, I'm usually pantsless at home. Do you wash your hair when you're the only one? Wrong. Yeah, you don't. Wash your face before bed? Never. Always? No. Do you brush your teeth towards the bed? Only once. Have you opened a bottle of wine and only drank one glass? Never. Never.

So no to those. Never responded to a text with Kay? I definitely used to. Okay. Number of selfies under 20? I would say, yeah. I actually do have all that. Okay, there we go. Under 10? Yeah, under 5. I don't think I have any selfies on my phone. Okay. Do you leech three portions of fruit and vegetables per day? No. Okay, so do you juice? No. Pajamas? I do own pajamas.

Okay. Not including a free t-shirt you got in some boxers shorts? Yeah, not including that. Guest bed sheets? Yes. That's an interesting thing to say when I slept on your couch last time I was there. You chose the couch. We said we'll set you up. You chose the couch. You're a couch guy. You love a good couch sleepover. And towels? Everyone knows you got towels. Yeah, we do have towels, yeah. You say excuse me after you burp? I don't even know. I don't pass gas very often. You don't burp?

No. I don't know where it all goes. My cheeks or something. That's weirdly mysterious. Do you own up to it when you fart? I don't. You don't own up to farting? No, I don't fart in public ever. If you did, would you? If I did, but it's got to have been 15 years. This is a weird zone where you don't know the answers to these questions. I can't even tell you the last time I farted in public.

Never. Or with somebody? No, I don't. Okay. Would you say excuse me, though, after you burped? If I was with people that weren't like you, I guess I would, yeah. I'm just going to check it because your score is pretty low right now.

Do you have a savings account? I do. That you put savings into? Yeah. And don't take money out of? Yeah, I'm really good at saving. Do you take taxes on them? Never. Taxing last month? No. And last week? No, no. Today? I always tip and I always tip well though. Okay, so the results you got were actually 14 out of 52. Wow.

15. What's the extra one you checked? Wait, were you also checking mine on your end? Yeah, because I knew that you'd... Let's see what we got here. Let's see what we got here. Scroll up a little bit. Scroll up a little bit. Scroll up some more. Pairs of shoes. That looks pretty similar to what I checked.

No, this looks pretty similar to what I... Either way, yeah, I lied. There's no way in hell I was getting a 46. This is the only suit I own, and the only reason I own it is because I got married in it. Yeah, and wait, so...

Schlatt, what was your score? Either a 33 or a 36. I think I eked you out by a couple points here. It had to be the whiskey shit. Can we get a reveal on that? What's the difference between bourbon and whiskey, Schlatt? I didn't check that one, but I checked the whiskey and whiskey one because whiskey with an E means it's American, likely from Kentucky, and Irish whiskey is spelled without an E.

Bourbon is aged in new charred oak barrels for at least two years. I think it has to be made in Kentucky, too. Well, it says bourbon is type of whiskey, but not all whiskey is bourbon. The main difference between bourbon and other whiskeys are the grains used, the aging process. Ted did say that. So I did, yeah.

So it's something about the I think that barrel thing got me. I think that was an accurate one. Wow. So here's the funny thing. Usually before we start the episode, I ask what the topic is. Is this the topic of this fancy episode? This was Fancy Day. I mean, I don't. Is that it? You came woefully unprepared to Fancy Day. I don't know what else to say, really. Yeah, you're the fanciest guy here and you are the least prepared, which is kind of ironic. That's not true. I am. Oh, my God.

That's not fancy. Got you, bitch. There's nothing that will take Schlatt away from focusing on the pod than an animal in his vicinity. Yeah, that is true. As long as it's an animal. If you put a ghost in the room, the ghost of a dog, he'd sense it. Let's try ghost of a cat. Ghost of a cat, yeah. So that's a kitty cat. I got Jambo's ghost walking around recently. He was buried seven feet under. Oh, he died? I had to bury him last night, yeah. Oh, Chucklers. Just so you guys know...

leading up to this week, leading up to Chuckle Week, because we're going to be there pretty soon. We are not going to have an episode next week. So people just have to, I don't know, twiddle their thumbs every now and then. Yeah, you're just going to have to fucking deal with it. You're going to be okay. I believe in you. But I don't know. What else you got for us here today, Tucker? Well, I didn't realize we were going to do the full quiz action.

Because I've been recording on Audacity for 52 minutes already. Yeah, we're almost done, dude. This is it. That was fancy. Fancy day. That was fancy. Consider yourself fancied. Man, wow. We do this. We do this. No, this. Oh, see, you are the fanciest. Yeah, there you go. He's not. I beat him in the score, Tucker. Yeah.

I got a higher score than him. I know, but, you know, did we have any sort of, like, local conversation about your score? Like, you know, did we test? Yeah, you're the only one that didn't get audited. Oh, okay. But if I get audited, if we do three audits of the same fucking quiz, people are going to click off. No one's going to watch. Yeah, okay. That's an easy way to get out of it, I suppose. Drop five points. Yeah.

Dropped five points. Oh, I'm number one fanciest. Then Ted's number one. That's why he can get away with this, with the T-shirt, because he's actually the fanciest. I mean, if you took a first glance at me, you wouldn't notice that I'm not in a suit right now. It looks like I'm in a suit, but then you'll notice I don't have the buttons down the center. I'm telling you right now, Ted sent me a picture of his living room with his couch.

And I took a look at my living room and I said, wow, mine is so much better and more comfy and more vibey. Is that what you said to me? No, I probably said looks great with a big thumbs up. He's such a liar. You said, hell yeah, glass is smiling face. Glass is smiling face. Nice couch.

It looked nice. He didn't mean that. Here's the thing. If you wanted, I did mean it. I think the couch looked nice. It's good to see you with an actual couch. But if I had any say in this decision-making process, you get a new couch, first of all, I would have told you don't get a love sack. Second of all, I would have told you get a neutral color, not black. Not black. It's not black. It's gray. Gray. Okay. All right. That makes it a little better. Is black not a neutral color?

it's no black is a it's a it's a shade what it's been black all colors together i don't know what i just said i'm pretty sure black is all colors mixed together this is it this is me trying to be fancy yeah and you're saying that and i'm like wearing look at what i got i got a signet yeah i don't i i don't know what i don't know what that look up frank sinatra real quick for me

nothing look up frank sinatra look up frank sinatra rings so the folks can see it frank sinatra ring oh did he have a signet yeah look at that look at that oh my god it's almost like i bet he earned that though it's almost like i am him yeah it's like i am him do that pose that's okay you should take your picture like that is he still alive

No, dude, he's long dead. When did he die? He probably died in the 90s. 99, I think. Wow, did Tony Bennett also have the same ring? That's a cool ring. Oh, that's cool. Look at him. He's just like a guy. He's just like a dad. Audiolistians love to do that. We're looking at Frank Sinatra shirtless, drinking on some tropical location. Ted, I have a special ring I could gift you if you were going to wear it every day.

See, friendship doesn't come with stuff like that. Yeah, that was an interesting way to say it. I have a special ring I could gift you. Well, I'm only going to gift it to somebody who's really going to wear it. How about this, Tucker? If we're going to talk about really wearing something, show me your wrists.

It broke, dude. Yeah. It's in my car. Yeah. I was lifting a heavy fucking set. Boom. Sure. Oh, no. It fucking explodes at the gym. I look like a fool. I believe that. I believe that. My mom also kept telling me I looked gay. She's like, people are going to think you're gay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was rude. That was inconsiderate. I was like, dude, you're fucking gay. She is. She is. Yeah. Uh,

How long ago was that that broke, Tucker? Months. Months. That was my summer look. I would have thought that you would have had time to get it fixed. And I do remember, I recall, and I'm going crazy. You told me you would. Normally, I would have time, but I've been so busy making an incredible YouTube video that's live now that you have to go check out. That's why I haven't had time. I just server muted him.

Just server muted him, Flat. He's muted. You can't talk right now. All right, let's let the men talk now. Emma, turn him down or we're docking your pay. Okay, so... We should tease a little bit for Chuckle. You gotta go watch my new video. It's incredible. It's about the Nintendo GameCube. It's gonna be the best thing you've ever seen. Please subscribe. And I have been in the process of getting people booked. So do we have anyone booked? All right, Tucker, you're free. Yeah, I'm done.

Yeah, but I think we're going to have my best friend on. I think that could be someone that we have on. And you guys just kind of interpret what that is. You know, my new best friend, one that plays basketball with me. Maybe we'll have him. Oh! Yeah. So happy for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to be thrilling. Yeah, we might as well be sponsored by the DNC. Yeah.

That was a good talk. Tucker, let's make this all political and let's have no computer in front of Hasan and let's have you fact-checking the whole podcast episode. Oh, dude. That'd be funny. Well, we're going to have the screen out there. Actually, Hasan, it's funny. I saw something from The Blaze that said... I mean, just get really excited. You could try to say what guest you want on, but we're already...

going to be actively filming i think we should have we should take one fan we should have a sweepstakes we take one fan and if they win they get to be on the episode as the guest but that's it they die at the end yeah like they get sacrificed i was thinking the same thing that's great no okay yes okay yeah it's like how big of a fan of chuckle are you yeah are you willing to die for the episode for the episode yeah no you're yeah oh god you're the best this is why we pay you the big bucks

Guys, come on. Give me a break here. We're only at 55 right now. We still got... I got nothing left. This chartreuse has been tearing me apart. You got nothing left? I mean, that was a pretty high energy recording. He's out of gas. I fell off the cliff. You fell off the cliff? Gasoline? Gasoline?

All right, folks. Well, we'll see you next week. Get excited. Get your loins warm. And by that, I mean like start rubbing your thighs together. Where are you sitting right now? Let's all do this together. This is like Dora the Explorer. Get ready. Start. No, no, no. Not rubbing like that, Tucker. Oh, fuck. No, no, Tucker. No, guys. Not rubbing like that. No, not rubbing like that. No, you're not listening to me. What am I doing? No, you're not listening to me. You don't. No, you're not. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

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