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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.
I feel pretty cozy. I think that my setup looks decently cozy. Yours looks like darkness. I'm cozy as hell! Cozy as hell! I don't know, man. You have no right making judgment on coziness. I have no right. I've been the most cozy for years on this pod.
Years, bro. Years? Yes, years. Name one cozy thing that you did. You know what? I'll do something cozy right now. I'll do something cozy right now. I'm about to fucking light up a blunt. Yeah? It's a fucking candle. That's right. That's cozy as hell. Wow. Now the candle count is two to your zero candles. Do I need to go get a candle? What do I got to do? What do I got to do?
Do I gotta start writing new letters by feather and quill? You know what this candle is flavored like? Is it Gwyneth Paltrow's pussy? No, I would never. You'd have. This is a library candle. Library is the scent. What is that? Smells like old books in wood. Okay. Audio listeners love you to death. Flat is igniting two lighters at the same time if you're wondering what all the clicking is.
He's trying to converge the flames into one mega flame. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. No, come on. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. Today's a special day.
Today's a special day. Schlatt's got lupus and... I don't have lupus. He's got it. What are you talking about? He caught it. I don't have lupus. He's caught it. Tucker's looking up what is lupus. To be honest, I didn't really have a full understanding of what it is when I said that, but lupus is a chronic long-term disease that causes inflammation and pain in any part of your body. And that honestly kind of tracks because Schlatt is... Half the time he's...
He's got pain somewhere in his body. He's got something going on. That doesn't mean I have lupus! During any Chuckle Week, he'll be like, Slatt will show up one day, and he'll be like, oh, my knee! Oh, my knee's hurting! And he'll be like, oh, man, sorry about that. Next day he shows up, he's like, my toe! I hurt my toe! Dude, you're making fun of me, and I don't appreciate it. The lupus claims are... They hold some water.
Oh, don't say that. I really hope that Emma was cutting to Tucker's little giggles the whole time that I was saying that then. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Chuckle Sandwich. None of us have lupus on this podcast, despite what I just said. And we're doing another tier list today. You guys like tier lists.
You guys like tier lists. Okay. And if I see anyone in the comments saying that they don't like tier lists, well, take a look at our stats because you guys like tier lists and trust me, you know, I, I, I don't know what to tell you guys. Like this is, this is out of control. How much you like tier lists? Hey, uh, we'll stop selling when you stop buying. That's and that's that read it and weep.
Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in, okay? And only you can let in the good content. Okay, Tucker, give us a rundown of what we're doing today. I'm losing the plot here. Today, after much discussion, we decided to do a podcast. 15 minutes of back and forth on Discord.
We decided to do the tier list on animals. Animals. Animals. We said, what can we rank today? And I was just like, I don't know, fucking animals. Yeah. Schlatt said it. This is like a kindergarten level.
kind of topic that we're going with right now. This is like morning circle. This is like morning circle. I said we should rank all the state animals. You know how states have animals? Yeah, but then it's going to be like something...
that would just be you said how do we advertise that animals let's just do animals hold on it was between state it wasn't between it was between nintendo characters and animal or in animals state animals i said and then you said maybe just tier listing animals i don't know i thought i'd keep it simple where this is
Our listeners are not of the highest IQ. They're not in like the top percentiles. Let's get one thing clear. They are not. But they're not in the lowest. They're not in the lowest. You're right. They're not in the lowest. This isn't, you know, the yard. So we've got listeners with, you know, decently high IQ. I mean, they're not, you know, slaving away on Smash all day or like, oh, I can rock climb. I can climb rocks. It's not the yard podcast.
I'm not in control of what he says. Hey, that slime guy, he's a little slut. He is. And I physically dominated him during the point crow party weekend. You mogged him? I mogged him?
Oh, come on, bro. You're using physically dominate and you don't know what a mog is? I don't know what a mog is. No, you're generally going to have to explain that one to me. No, I'm not. No, no, no, no. Don't dip in here and then pull a term out. Okay. All right. You don't know what you, you, you mogged slime and you're, you're. Oh my God. Okay. Tug of war. Yeah.
The use of intimidating or aggressive behaviors towards individuals with undesirable traits such as size, height, or disability issues. You literally size-mogging slime here, and you don't even know what you're doing. You don't even have the words to describe it. You know how sometimes you just don't hear a word until later in your life? This is the first time I've ever heard the term mogging.
I thought that you just said mugging wrong when it came out of your mouth. No, no. I was like, no, I didn't take his money. I didn't take his bullion. I'm brain mugging you right now is what's happening. I'm brain mugging. You're being mugged currently. Yeah. Are you being... So mugging is like a violent ableism?
Yeah. Damn. To have dominance over someone, yeah, that's the definition. I think it was... Did I ever talk about this on the podcast when I allegedly mogged
It was... No, I don't know. You've met Slime before. You've been on The Yard. Yeah, of course I have. You know how he's kind of a little bit of a... He's sometimes a little bit of a grumpy character. Maybe he's got his opinions. And, you know, that was the first... Yeah. It was during Point Crow Party. We were all flown out to Pennsylvania by Eric Point Crow to... It was actually at a really cool facility. It was a really cool facility that...
Let me guess, you're gonna start laughing about Pennsylvania for... Okay. I'm not gonna defend Pennsylvania. I mean, it's just, you know... You got a problem, Tucker? I love Pennsylvania. Okay, that's nice. You don't live there, though. You don't live there. You're state-mogging. Okay, keep going. Okay, whatever the case...
At the end of the weekend, a little celebration at the end of the weekend, I was having a conversation with him. And I was just talking to him. I was like, you have a good time? And he was like, yeah, it was all right. And I had the great weekend. So it bothered me. And I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean? Why don't you just say, yeah, I had a good time. Why do you got to say, yeah, it was all right? And he was like, no, because I just had a good time.
You know how he is. He does that. Of course. Yeah, of course. And so things developed and it just turned into him and I having a wrestling match on the floor of this suite in this hotel that everyone was in. And so I wrestled him on the ground and I was choking him out and he wouldn't tap. Yeah. I took him down. Maybe I mogged him. I don't know. Maybe I mogged him. You probably did mog him. Slime is easily moggable.
Do you think so? You think you could mug him? Oh, yeah. I'm sure all the members of the yard mug him constantly in every single muggable area. I walked into the yard set. It's funny how you say you were both on the ground. I think he likes it down there, you know, being below people. I went into the yard office and he was sleeping on the floor. He had like a pillow and blankie on the floor and he was sleeping. I could see that.
Yeah. I could see that. He's kind of like a burrowing animal. Just totally sleep-mogging me right there. Like a burrowing little animal? Yeah. I didn't get it. But, you know, there was a serenity and peacefulness to him that made me jealous.
Sort of like a little serene type of creature, maybe an animal. Yeah, yeah, maybe. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you an animal that loves to sleep log all day. Yeah? The bearded dragon I see his little head popping out up there. Oh, you put the bearded dragon on here, Tucker. Oh, that's a deep cut.
Tucker wouldn't have put that out if he... Because you had a bearded dragon. That's not a deep cut. Well, it's a reference. It's an S-tier animal. It's just one of the best. I think we start this off on the right foot. Start this up on a strong note. Well, if you want to put it at S-tier, first...
I need you to give me something in return. No, you're business-mogging me right now? Tucker, scroll down a little bit. I just need to see the swath of what we have here. Yes, I would like something in return. Not everything is a transaction. Well, because I know that you had a bearded dragon, you're going to want to put a bearded dragon at the S tier. And so I feel like I need something in return. Put the fucking thing at F.
Don't do that. Put the fucking thing at F. You're no fun. Put the fucking thing at F. I'm not giving you one. Okay. I'm not giving you one. Okay. No, don't. Don't. No, no, don't. I was bluffing. Oh, you were. You were, weren't you? No, no, no. I mean, I'll put it at A, but I want something from you first. Oh, you want something from A? Come on, man.
This is like Trump when he fucking shakes someone's hand. I've got him by the balls right now. I've got him by the fucking balls. You're mugging me right now. You're mugging me. Well, you started with the bearded dragon. I didn't think I was going to... I knew I was going to use this on you at some point, but I didn't. For some reason, his icon is taller than everyone else's. The only animal I saw.
It is really. Why is it zigzagged like that? Why is he peeking out? He's peeking out. Even then, even no matter what row you put him in, Tucker. He's so much taller. I don't understand. It's because it was almost asking for this to happen. Yeah. Tucker, do you have a mosquito in here as well? Of course. Of course.
All right. All right. Ted, you know what? You're mocking me, but I'll mock right back. No, no, no, no. I'm not done. And then, and then, you know what? I'll give you one. Okay. One. Okay. We're going to put pigeons at ass. I'm actually done with the podcast. I'll see you later. And I'm not actually joking. Oh.
So what's excellent about this scenario, audio listeners love you to death, is that Schlatt is a New Yorker. He's from New York. He sees pigeons everywhere. He's seen pigeons his whole life. He hates pigeons, but he's had a bearded dragon. He loves a bearded dragon. So, you know, there's a bit of a scenario here for him. Schlatt doesn't really know what to do. He doesn't know whether or not he wants to put the bearded dragon at S or put them both down at F.
Tucker, I find it funny how we've hit sort of a roadblock right at the beginning of the... I think I really enjoy how this has turned into sort of a hostage negotiation as the more tier lists that we've done. Like, each of us will hold something. Oh, you're pulling out the fucking Kirkland's vodka? What is that? He's catching up. That's what he's doing. This is what you do to me, Ted!
I got, you got me drinking the Kuiper schnapps, peppermint schnapps to get in the holiday spirit. Oh, dude, you're fucking downing peppermint schnapps? Oh my God. Jesus. Calm the fuck down, Kris Kringle. Jesus Christ. Oh, fuck. I'm getting jolly. My tree's up in the living room. You should see my tree. Oh, I don't have a, I don't have a tree. Whenever I do. Why?
dreaming. Tucker, do me a favor. Put bearded dragon and pigeon at S for me, please. Fucking pigeons at S, bro. Pigeons at S? Man, they really do. Not pigeons at S. And he's still taller. He's sticking up there. Yeah, it's weird that it does that. Ugh.
Bearded dragon's a great pet. And you know what? If it means pigeons have to be at S, I'll accept it because they are great. The rats of the sky. So mellow, so timid, so docile. Just chill with you. You know, you take them out of their cage and you pop them on your shoulder and then you got a fucking ancient dinosaur just chilling there for as long as you want. It's great. They're great. They're great pets. Definitely vouch for someone who doesn't want the maintenance that comes along with like a cat or a dog.
Yeah. Great animals. Yeah. Only bad things. You got to feed them little buggies, little buggies, little buggies. Sometimes you have mealworms, waxworms, crickets. I'm going to get I'm wasted. It'd be it'd be cool to have like a like a like a botanical garden with a bunch of bearded dragons walking around. So they take care of all the bugs that would eat the plants. I wonder if that would work. It's fucking called deserts.
Yeah, yeah, the desert is... Yeah, sure. Okay. Why don't you pick an African animal? So we've got the African elephant, we've got zebras, we've got giraffes. What else we got there? We got a Nile crocodile. Some of these I have a close relationship with because some of them are representatives of the Rainforest Cafe, such as Nile the crocodile or Cha-Cha the red-eyed tree frog. I don't know if there's...
Any other character? Well, there's Bomba the gorilla. Is that a gorilla I see? The chimpanzee. Oh, well, you got Ozzy the orangutan right there. Yep. I love orangutans. They're such great animals. Wide face. Wide face. Oh, yeah. That's how they hear, right? They're like a sonar dish, right? Yeah.
Where are their ears? God just created them wrong. You could eat dinner off that thing. You think they just ended up like that? Just fucking lay them down, put some fucking Cocoa Krispies in there, get a big spoon, and just start eating off them. Like, how do you pronounce it, by the way? Are we pronouncing it right? I always say orangutan. Orangutan. Come on, man. Orangutan. Orangutan.
No one's going to take that seriously. It's an orangutan. What side of the aisle is this Reese's Pieces? You know? Is this a Reese's Piecy or is this like a Reese's Pieces? You know? It's an orangutan. Orangutan? O-R-A-N-G-U-T-A-N, I believe. I write spelling bee. I know I would spell it, but like, is that how we pronounce it?
Put orangutan at sea. Think about it like, is it pronounced as in P as in pterodactyl? He's not even trying to debate that. I think we got that one through. Well, why? We got that one through. Well, why though? Why? I haven't confirmed here. I think there are better apes.
Okay, I can I can rock with that. I can write a rent a rent. Well But also he has no style. He has no grace This Kong has a funny face You know, what are you talking about? What are you talking? He has no style. He has no grace Are we sure what is it other way
Yeah, he probably is one. Consider that. Consider Lanky Kong when making this sort of... Lanky is overwhelmed and is killed? Wait, what? Wait, what? Like the other Kongs, Lanky Kong fails to stop Thanos from getting the Power Stone. After this, the Kremlings attack. Despite his efforts to stop them by inflating himself just like a balloon, Lanky is overwhelmed and is killed.
He got mugged. I didn't know the end of his story, but I guess that's pretty damn tragic.
Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.
Yeah, no, Lanky Kong's pretty sick though. I mean, he's an orangutan. No, Funky Kong is so much cooler. You can't even... Let's not even get into DK Country primates. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is Mankey Kong? What the fuck is Mankey Kong? Orangutan enemies in the game Donkey Kong Country. Oh, they're crazy. Why are their hands so realistic but their feet are like nubs?
implying that Kong reject orangutans, implying they have been exiled from the Kong family for their savagery. Okay, yeah, no, a C is probably appropriate, I suppose. It seems like there's a bit of an inner crisis going on in that. For sure. I imagine Tucker was just like, I got to show them the fucking manky Kongs. I never heard of that. No, me neither, dude. Yeah, all right. I'm okay with that, but we got to do a response...
What other apes do we have here? Just the gorilla? It's a chimpanzee that we aren't. What? I can barely see the screen. I'm sorry. It's a chimpanzee. I can't really see that well. It looked like from far away. It looks like I'm looking at it. They do look similar. I just don't like that the chimp is the only other primate we have here. I feel like there are such better primates like the baboon. We try to balance it.
Between all of them. Yeah, but that's not balanced. I mean, you have two of the biggest guys and there's no baboon. I was thinking of King Kong Balls. Hey. Chimp. Hey. You can't knock them for that, Shalane? You can't knock them for that? I can't knock them for that, but the baboon is my favorite. Maybe a B for the chimp. Why are you saying... Why are you pronouncing baboon like that? What do you mean? You're saying baboon. Like you're...
What is this fucking, what are we watching cooking on YouTube? Baboon? Was he about to cook me a fucking video game dish? Binging with baboon? Who the fuck? It's a baboon. Tucker, what do you, how do you, how do you pronounce it? Baboon. No. What do you mean? No, no. Binging with baboon. No, it's a baboon. A baboon?
Yeah. I'm not even fucking with you right now. I know, but say it again. Say it again. Why the fuck do you ever say baboon? I know, just say it again. Baboon? Say it again, though. Baboon. Baboon. You sound like a clown. You sound ridiculous. No, I don't.
Baboon. Baboon. It sounds like you're... Baboon. Cook me the fucking cake from Minecraft. Play that again. Play that again so they can hear it. Baboon. Cook me the fucking... Baboon. Cook me the fucking... Baboon. The fucking Krabby Patty. Make me a Krabby Patty. That's what I'm saying. Baboon. Binging with Baboon. Baboon. Come on, man. That doesn't...
Why do you keep saying that as if it's a response to what is being said here? That's not a mic drop by calling... I know, but saying binging with baboon is not a mic drop. It's not a point. Because it's like babish. Babish. Nuh-uh.
It's just how it's... No, it's... Okay. No, no. You can't say... You're falling down a hole here that you're not... It's babish. No, it's... Not babish.
It's not Babish. It's not Babish. And it's not Baboon. This funding decoyper is doing a number on me. Let's put Baboon in A and call it a day. Baboon is not even on the list. We don't even have a Baboon. Okay, so...
E for extinct. I'm falling behind here. Which is what I wish they'd be. No, dude. What the fuck? I'm going to skin you alive. Largest land-dwelling megafauna. Don't care. It's the largest land-dwelling megafauna. That's a fucking creature. That's a megafauna.
Oh, so you're like a little, you're like a little wham wham baby. You don't know what's going on in the world. Are you species mogging me? I'm not species mogging you. It's just a word. Make a fun of it? Okay, Tucker, give him the rundown. You might want to get yourself one of these bad boys. Yeah, get a Smithsonian. He's got that preloaded on his desk ready to fucking bust it out. There's no way that's just sitting there. The animal Smithsonian? Of course it is. Encyclopedia? No, you fucking, you dope. No, it's not just sitting there. I've got the dinosaur one in there.
I believe that, but I don't believe that the fucking normal animal one is just sitting there. Got a guide to Cape Cod animals over here? No, but the megafauna is like... It's like Ice Age animals. It's the big stuff. It's not Ice Age animals. Well, most... Would you consider an elephant to be a megafauna? Yeah. Oh, what are we in the Ice Age? What am I saying? Ooga Booga?
What am I throwing spears at a mammoth? At a mammoth? You. You. I take that back. Mammoth? Take that back. Mammoth? Yikes, dude. That's grating. I don't like that one. Mammoth. Just sounds like a queen moth the size of a building. That'd be cool. Get on that one. Get on that one, fan artists. Give us a mammoth. E for extinct. E for elephant. E for extinct.
E for elephant. No, honestly. That's okay. Elephants really... Why would we put elephants at an E? That's like... Because I don't care about that. I've never even seen an elephant. Come on. You have. You have. No, I haven't. Yes, because you play Age of Empires and they put fucking rockets and shit on those motherfuckers. Okay, and they're terrible units, okay? Easily taken down.
Oh my god, they walk up- Like you could have a guy with a stick take that fucking thing down. No! No! Are you kidding me? They walk up to like a building and they start going like this with their trunks and they just take down buildings up the wazoo. Yeah, they're useless. And then you fucking shoot them with the little thing that shoots the three bombs out of it. That rolls, it's a little like plywood box with wheels and it shoots little fucking bombs. Okay. Destroys them. Fine. Elephant at E. E. Elephant at E. I'm not hedging my bets on the elephant. Sorry, elephant lovers.
Bald eagles, an A. Or an S. An S. Have you seen videos of these fucking things? I've seen them in person. They are humongous. They're not that big. They're not that big. They are megafauna, okay? They're not. Compared to the other things we got in this S tier, pigeon and bearded dragon, that is a humongous bird. Look at that fucking bird, dude. Yeah, I mean, okay, yeah, compared to a pigeon. Damn!
I think that I can suck you off on its feet. No, it can't. No. Yeah, it could. Oh, it's got talents and it's got a beak. No, it can't. It doesn't have a, I mean, it has a tongue, but it doesn't have lips. It's not going to be enjoyable. It's experiencing the old teeth. It doesn't have to be enjoyable. Okay. Whether or not it could do it. Oh, well, I guess it could try, but it's not like what defines a blowjob. It's like a beat. I don't want a beaky blowjob brother. Yeah. You'd be circumcised. Yeah. You'd be circumcised by its beak.
Yeah, you would. I don't know why I brought that into the equation. Yeah. Shame on you. But I'll tell you one thing. Seeing a bald eagle, that's a nice moment. You're driving along the highway and you look off and somebody in the car is like, a bald eagle. You look. It's flying majestically. And you can tell when you see him. I've seen one on a whitewater rafting trip too, just in the trees. And that was cool.
Fuck it. There's such cool. And it's like the best that's the best mascot of all time like the US really We get a lot of shit wrong. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, that's right. That just feels right I can't I honestly is that like our our mascot animal or is our national bird? Yep. Yeah Dude it was like
It would've been funny if like another country just also made it their national bird just to fuck with us. Even though it didn't live there. Like, does it require it? It has to live in the country, I assume, in order to be able to say it's your national bird, surely. Canada probably could make it theirs if they want it. That is true. We got it first. What's Canada's national bird? Probably some dumb... The leaf bird, yeah. I bet it's like the tundra goose or a snow goose or something. Yeah, you think so? Oh, it's the beaver, dude. It's the beaver. That's not a bird, you fucking idiot. The whole of Canada.
That's not a bird. Animal. The national animal. What do you think? Countries are all like, oh, we need a bird. National bird. A gray jay. That's a weakness. The national bird of Canada is a gray jay. Who cares about the national bird of Canada?
Have you been with the conversation up until now? What's the national megafauna? Do you know what we're talking about right now? It's the natural animal of the United States. And they have the people. You think everyone has a meeting and they go down the list? Okay, we got to pick a national primate now.
I'm having an argument with somebody that isn't even in the car right now. I don't know who you're talking to right now, man. What is that, the national megafauna? What are you fucking talking about? It would probably be moose for us, maybe. Moose are huge. It's the national animal. Okay, so what's the national animal of the U.S.? Bald eagle. This conversation. Okay. That would be crazy if it's something different.
Now, hold on. Now, hold on. It says bald eagle, but then all of a sudden there's a bunch of bison. National mammal. Oh. National mammal. Which is a megafauna. That's a megafauna, dude. What do you think the beaver is? The beaver for Canada. That's a national animal. And it's also a mammal. So who the fuck cares about a national bird? What do you think?
We were talking about the fucking bald eagle, man. What are you doing? Yeah, the national animal. What's the national animal of Canada? And I said the beaver because I look. Okay. Holy shit, man. You got to go educate yourself. It's going down the drain. No, it's not. It's going straight up the drain and we're getting up chucked right now. We're getting thrown up by the fucking. We're going to move on. We're going to move on.
I don't want to move on. Honestly, I feel blissful. That was pure bliss, man. Oh, man. Put the bison at fucking A, man. Bison are sick. Is there a bison? I love bison. Put the fucking moose up at A, man. Those things are sick. Oh, sick fucking animal. Put that shit there. You see how big a fucking moose is? Oh, they're massive.
One time my aunt hit a moose with a car and she was in a neck brace for months, dude. How'd the moose do? How'd the moose do? I mean, it probably was crippled. Did you follow up with him? With the moose? Yeah. No, but I checked in on my aunt. I mean, I was like maybe eight at the time when this happened. They are megafauna. Megafauna.
Megafauna. Wait, wait, wait. Megafauna refers to large animals typically over 100 pounds. Hey, Schlatt, you and I, we're a couple of megafauna, man. We're megafauna. Dude, we are megafauna. Okay, so I kind of feel like an allegiance now to these megafauna animals. Wow. Wow.
How heavy are gorillas? You don't think a gorilla is 100 pounds? There's no way a gorilla is 350 pounds. I was typing that in because I wanted to know if humans are the biggest apes. But I'd say no. Gorillas are... No. You see all that muscle, master? I'd say 350 pounds. Humans can beat that, but not in a good way. I'll tell you one thing. We're definitely the best apes because you want to hear something tragic about a gorilla? It dies. No, they can't fucking swim, dude.
They can't fucking swim, dude. Yeah, dude. That dude doesn't look like he can swim. There's no fucking way that's thinking to swim. He's sinking. He's sinking. He's going to the bottom of the lake like a fucking anvil. Yeah. Yeah. No, he's a fucking millstone. That gorilla right there is a fucking millstone. Pick another.
Yeah, pull that gorilla further down. Oh, wait, the gorilla's not even on here. I don't know what I'm talking about. Gorilla not even on the list. Oh, tiger got to be ass, dude.
all right um no why no i'm sorry why there's so few of them that what i didn't know that that was a that was a reason they're terrified it just means it means they're not i mean but i'll tell you one thing i'll tell you one thing flat and you're literally listening they can swim okay they can swim and they they like to swim my two-year-old nephew can swim
Can he? You know how they train kids to swim? They fucking throw them in the pool. Drop them in when they're a child. It's inherent. Okay, so if we're not putting the tiger at S, then where the heck are we putting it? I don't see. Ew. Then bump that up to a B. B for biger. You'd think there'd be more of them if they were so great. B for biger right there. Nice. Biger. Okay.
god we gotta put the horseshoe crab at s man come on put that horse that's sick yeah that's it that's an ass you find you go to you go to the beach and you find one of those and you're like i found a fossil you're like i found a creature from the depths that's you show it to your parents zoic you sounded like jim gaffigan right there that's nice thank you thank you
Yeah. I love horseshoe crabs. They are sort of a window into our past. They're a window into very early eras of history when most of the creatures were roaming around the ocean. Horseshoe crabs were around before there was even little fuckers walking around on land, I'll tell you what. It's true. Back me up, Tucker, back me up. That sounds right, but I'm not going to give you the confirmation.
Come on, give me the confirmation. Trust your friend. I can't. You need to trust me. You need to trust me, Tucker. You need to trust me right now. I generally trust you, but on this? Well, you can't trust me on horseshoe crabs? What the fuck's wrong with you? Dude, I don't think I can. You trust me in a war scenario? Yeah, I think I would. But you can't trust me about horseshoe crabs? What are you talking about? No, no, no. I don't think I can. What are you...
Here's what I like to do when I find a horseshoe crab on a beach. I get my steel-toed boot and I fucking stomp on that shit. Crack it like a Dorito. Like that cricket. Like that cricket. Yeah. Let me tell you an animal that shouldn't fucking exist and we put it at the F tier, okay? Puffins. Fuck that thing. Fuck that thing.
They're just pissed because you've never seen one. No, I tell you, I see puffins every week in the fucking supermarket in the cereal aisle. It's the worst Barbra's puffins, worst fucking fake healthy cereal. Fuck that cereal. See it at the end of every... Well, that's a penguin. Never mind.
I was going to say you see my books all the time. Fuck that bird. I get one pick on the list. What do you mean you didn't know? You did sort of just create a rule just now. I've always had one pick. Maybe you guys disagree with it last time, but the puffin's going to go to S. That's my one pick. Get this guy in line. What do you mean? You know he can't do that. I don't know, man. He's not allowed to do that. He just made that up. He
He is calling it into... I mean, we're calling it into question right now, but he did say that last time maybe we just agreed with him. No. This could be like a secret rule. I'll give you... He's laughing right now. I'll give you an A. I'll give you an A.
But it's fine at least try to bargain with him a little bit schlatt. I mean, you know, this is the only time you're gonna have to deal with this Terrible cereal terrible. It's not the cereal though. It's the bird my life is in the fucking supermarket aisle Okay, cereal jesus christ next to the fucking quaker oats. They're pretty they're pretty rare though, aren't they? They're they're rare In the u.s They're rare
Because Maine is southernmost of the range. Right. I was in Maine once, and I was at the very top area of Maine and was like, maybe you can see puffins from here. We saw them this summer. They live pretty far off the coast. You've got to go five miles off the coast. It's like an island. They only live on three islands off the coast of Maine. They're cool-looking birds, man. They're tiny. They're like ducks. I'm pulling this thing down as far as I can.
I would put it at least in the B because I haven't seen it. Fine. I can't really speak to it, but there are cliff-dwelling creatures. They love cliffs.
No, they don't. They love cliffs. They use their beaks. They lick the cliffs, especially the salt deposit cliffs, and they use their beaks to climb the cliffs. And this is factual information for all our listeners, and you can go tell that to your parents. You get off the podcast right now, and you walk downstairs from your little goon cave, and you go up to your parents, and you say, hey, hey, mom, daddy,
they lick salt on cliffs and they climb the salt with their beaks and they're going to, and they're going to, and they're going to applaud you. What? Why did, uh, why would I just, the mom and daddy that just felt strange to me. Sorry that you have a fixation on the word daddy. You fucking weirdo. No, I'm
You want to hone in on that, man? You want to talk about that? No, no, no. Let's talk about manatees instead. Let's talk about manatees instead. They're not on here. What? Yes, they are. That's a manatee right there. Which one? This one? Isn't that a whale shark on the right? No, it's to the butterfly. That's a manatee. It's a narwhal.
Oh, I can't even-- I can barely see it. Oh! Because of the horn. See, this is what I mean. I can barely see what's on this thing. No, that's not what it was. Yeah, swimming in the ocean causing it to come off. No, they're small! It's like taking up a-- it's taking up a hundred and twenty-eighth of my-- not even a hundred and-- two hundred and sixty-fourth of my screen. Funny, I was told to put manatees on here by a little someone special. But I said, "Yeah." If we put manatees on there, it would've gone in-- By your wife?
You know, I've been to Florida and they got manatees in the water. No, manatees aren't on the list, Schlatt. You can't start just talking about manatees. Okay, if you really want to talk about manatees, I'll let you talk about manatees. Fine. Talk about manatees. Thank you. Okay. They have manatees and you can see them. Come on, man. Let me do my manatees. You talk about the manatees. Let me have my shoes. The floor is yours to talk about manatees.
No, no, it's fine. You don't care. Ted, you're being a dick again. I'm not trying to be a dick. I just thought we were going to follow the list and then he started talking about manatees even though they weren't there. Tucker, can you load up a picture of a manatee onto this list right now real quick? Is that possible? And before you reload the list, make sure you save where everything's at because last time we had a problem with that. Do you really want that to happen?
We'll make sure that you know where everything is. Let's go. We can just go. Well, tell me about the manatees. I'm sorry that I... I had no idea. You can see them. You go boating and you go jet skiing around Florida. I had no idea that manatees were this important to you. They're cool guys. They're cool guys. I put them in ads. Oh, Tucker's done something. Thank you. Thank you. That means a lot. Komodo Dragon.
That was cool. Do you see that fucking video of the Komodo dragon eating a baby goat? Yeah. Tucker, have you seen that? Yeah. So we're all in on the know. We're all in. We've all seen that one goat die. Every animal is a badass dude. Badass. It's a badass animal? I mean, like, what else is there to say? That's a great animal. No, hold on. The Komodo dragon murderer? People idolize killers all the time. Like who? Barack Obama.
Interesting choice, but I'll take it, I suppose. Where would you suppose the Komodo dragon would go? S. Okay. All right.
It is certain animals. I just, I just like them. You know, that's a cool fucking animal. It is a cool animal. You know, there's a part of my brain that goes immediately to like the childlike sort of function. Like, I feel like I've got like a little hippocampus size part of my brain. That's just child zone. And I hear dragon and my mind immediately goes back to the schoolastic book fair where you get the complete guide on dragons and
Oh yeah. You want to talk about Guinness world record book? No, but the dragon Tucker, Tucker head, head up Tucker. We're talking about the dragon book from the school. I was doing book fair. What did it come? Did it show up? Oh, he's, I think he has a dragon book. No, I think, I think, cause we were talking about this a little while ago and, uh,
I think he ordered it, and I think he has it now. Oh, my God. Oh, Dragonology. I think you were mentioning this. Dragonology. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's pretty badass. It's an excellent book. Oh, what do we got here? I love that it's got, like...
The ranges. How do the pages smell? I feel like the pages smell good. The pages have fun things, like little notes. And they've got these open up and have the stages of growing. And it'll have... Wow, this is more intense than I remember it being. It has a journal entry, like here. And some of them have textures. Let me see if I can find the textures. Like here, it's got a certain type of dragon skin.
Oh, wow. I like how it shows like, it'll have like a world map and like the type of dragons that live in Asia versus like Europe versus North America. Yeah. This book and also the, it coincides with like the style of like how you see dragons painted in like Chinese culture versus like Scottish culture. And yeah, it's, you read this as at 10 years old, you're like, these are fucking real. I don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah. You read that when you're a kid and you're like, this is,
I'm reading. I'm a scientist right now. I'm learning. I'm learning. I'm going to bring this into class until you find out. This book right here, along with the movie Reign of Fire, were the two things that really powered my love for dragons. You've never seen Reign of Fire, Tucker? The 2002 movie Reign of Fire? Great movie. I loved that movie as a kid. Basically, it's honestly an apocalypse movie.
And it's about like these guys mining in the UK. They're like mining real deep and they open up this area. All of a sudden they found an ancient dragon's nest underground. And then all the dragons come out and they start, they start reproducing and it's like dragons start spreading throughout the whole fucking world. And it's like a dragon apocalypse kind of scenario.
They're like taking down fucking fighter jets and helicopters and shit. It's fucking awesome, man. Dude, how did we get here? Dragons aren't even on the list. Yeah, but a Komodo dragon is, and that shit's going at ass. Oh, true. That's an S to your animal. I just got to say it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It is. Butterfly? F, man. Those things are fucking... Actually, no. A monarch butterfly? No.
Okay, actually, that could be a C or a B. Yeah, it's like the default animal. Well, they're not. They're not, though. They migrate for thousands upon thousands of miles. And they all end in a certain region in Mexico, in southern Mexico. And there's like these forests that are just filled with monarch butterflies. Yeah.
Tucker, what are you smiling about? My camera's so wobbly. Oh, okay. You're just having your own little... Well, you're right, though. Yeah, they'll absolutely cover a forest. They can't see the trees. It's just all butterflies. What else we got here? Shlant, you want to pick one to talk about? Yeah. Zebra.
Oh, zebra, great animal. Great defense mechanism, those animals. I learned this very recently. Dude, I saw my first zebra recently, and I don't even remember the context it was in. All I remember was how it came. You saw it with us. Right. Yeah, I was with you guys. We were all in a car together. We were all in a car together quite recently. I don't even remember what the context was. I don't even remember. Maybe just a bunch of useless people were with me at the time, but I saw that zebra, and I couldn't. That's you.
Dude, I, listen, I forgot everything else because the zebra was so fucking majestic. I looked at that beast and I said, oh my God, that is a beautiful beast right there. Oh no. Oh no. Wow. The place we were at where we saw the zebra lets you hunt them for $11,000.
Oh no. Okay. There's 750,000. They have night vision hunting. Oh, that's good. Two hours a night. See, we're hunting on rate. Oh, why is she smiling? That's cool. She, did she just kill that thing? Oh God. The place that we went to is like the, the cool, cool place to shoot guns. But, uh,
Bit of a questionable... I put zebra at at least B. Probably A. I mean, I was just... I just remember how in awe I was at that fucking thing. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. Tell me what you were telling me about what... them being in large groups and how that... Oh, yeah. The stripe pattern. So I'm pretty sure that's how it works. You ever heard of, like, let's say a thousand zebra? Yeah.
All the stripes make it really difficult for, say, a lion to target just one because it looks like one big mass of camouflage, not a specific individual. It's really hard to see an individual as a predator.
Yeah, I remember. And that made, that was the first time I actually understood why the fuck a zebra's got those stripes because it was like, I remember for the longest time I was like, oh yeah, that's his camouflage. I'm like, camouflage of what? They're in a savannah. It's yellow everywhere. Where the, what the fuck, what the fuck are they? What is a giant? It's like a, I don't even know. Are all the predators seeing in black and white? Like how else are they like going to be able to combat this?
Anyways, Panda F. Fuck that thing. Fuck the panda. The whole population is controlled by the Chinese government. Really? I don't know
Like, were they able to survive? Like, how did they survive? How did they do so well? They're trying to kill themselves like 90% of the time. Yeah. They do well in the fast food business, so. Yeah. No, they're. Aging beef. Wait, can I give you guys a fun fact about Panda Express? Sure. Do you guys know Reggie from Nintendo? Yeah. Yeah. He is someone we should thank for the success of Panda Express. I'm reading his book right now.
He was one of the people that really helped get Panda Express into a chain off the ground. They just give anyone a book these days. Well, he retired from Nintendo, so he's... He's got a book. He's got a book tour. And Nintendo Reggie, I had to buy it. But yeah, he was like one of the first guys in the 90s that was high enough up in their marketing or whatever when they took Panda Express public and wanted to make it a chain.
Because it was like just a couple owned it. That's pretty neat. I have no idea what it's like now. But yeah, he was someone to thank for... Or is someone to thank for the success of Panda Express. Thank you, Reggie. Oh, now I want Panda Express. Yeah. Me too. Me too, man. Well... F-tier animal, though. Yeah, F-tier panda. I mean, things don't even live properly. They roll around. They try to kill themselves half the time. They eat bamboo every...
And it doesn't even, like, they have to eat so much because it's so, nutritionally, it doesn't give them anything. It's like me and Cocoa Pebbles. Yeah, exactly. What's that stingray thing? Can we put that in F? Kill the Australian guy. I mean, gross. Gross. Is that a stingray or is that a manta ray? It's a stingray. Yeah. Yeah. Let's put another one in S. F while we're at it. Mosquitoes. Yeah. F. Terrible animal. Malaria. Malaria.
Bottom feeders. West Nile virus. West Nile virus. Let's put another one. Geese. What? Geese, F. You already had yours, Tucker. You already had yours. Can we do at least an E?
I'd put it in E. Well, I had Canadian geese for dinner tonight. If you make him put it in F, he's going to start throwing up, dude. You can't make him do that. Annoying-ass animal. Oh, yeah. Well, their poop is really weird-looking, dude. It's almost like they seek out sidewalks to do it on. I feel like geese...
They have like a little pre-migration huddle and they're like, all right, boys, here's the deal. We're going to be hitting every single sidewalk in this suburb on this day. Then we're going to move on. Jerry, you lead the Delta squad. You guys are going to be pooping all along this street. They're going to be pissed. They got kids. They're going to try to grab the poop. They got dogs. The dogs are going to try to eat the poop. It's going to be a nightmare. I feel like that's what's going through their heads.
Listen, Tucker, if you want to put it at E, that's fine, but this thing is not very redeemable. You know that Tucker shot that goose. Yeah, hunting yesterday. I killed three to five of them. I don't know how many. Did you eat them? Yeah, I literally just cooked two goose breasts. And for those of you out there that come in and have a problem with Tucker hunting that shit, it's legal.
that's not a great that's that one of the weakest arguments you know no no no and and it's like you're trying to tell me that what tucker did where that goose lay that what tucker did to that goose that goose lived a normal life and then you have a chicken nugget from mcdonald's you think that that chicken lived a normal life
Nobody asked. Really? You think that chicken lived a normal life? No. No, that chicken grew up in a fucking cage smaller than it. And I blew that goose out of the fucking sky.
No, but you did it for like a conservation thing, right? Like it was like, Oh yeah. All the money you spend on, um, on hunting supplies, on licenses, on all that stuff has to go. It's a law. It has to go back into conservation. So it's, it's a self-supporting thing. I mean, Canadian goose are overpopulated. Um, they have a lack of native predators at this point. Um, so it's like a totally legit thing. They're free range, you know?
Yeah, and now he's chewing on it for dinner. Oh, yeah. Rock on. And it's an E. Can we get a D tier? Can you guys pick out a D tier? Hammerhead shark. Yeah, they are kind of the dorks of sharks, aren't they? D for dork. You can't even hammer anything with them. Yeah, you can't. Their eyes are on the end. Useless tool. Try hammering them. Tucker, what is that little red-throated...
Creature there. There? Yeah, the bird. Oh, it's a ruby-throated hummingbird. So the only hummingbird we've ever seen in the Northeast. Oh, dude, I was so close to getting that correct. Ruby-throated. Really? They fucking threw me for a loop there. Ruby-throated? Oh, hummingbird. Yeah, it's the only hummingbird in, like, the Northeast. What do you think of that, Sean? What do you think of hummingbirds? They're okay, I guess. Are those the ones that, like... What? You want to do that again for me, champ? No. No.
I'm thinking of woodpeckers. Okay. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you definitely are based on that move. And I was like, what the fuck did he just do? It's a woodpecker. What do hummingbirds do? They've got little long little nose mouths and they slurp. They got straws. They got straws for mouths and they just slurp nectar. They're pollinators is what they are. I'm 90% sure. Are they pollinators? Yeah.
We used to have a bird feeder, like a little fountain that they could swim in and drink from, all the birdies. And sometimes we'd get hummingbirds, but honestly, not the most exciting thing. I like my cardinals a little more, and I like my blue jays even more. The blue jay is always the coolest one. I've heard that blue jays are like the assholes of birds. Don't care. Don't care. Awesome bird. Looks cool as hell. Fine.
where are we putting this? C C C
We got to put an owl at at least an A. Those things are fucking crazy. Those things are fucking cool. And I can't tell you how much I know more about owls than most any other creature based on how much they fucking talked about it in elementary school. They tell you so much about owls in elementary school, at least when I was a kid. And I don't know why. Like, for what reason do I have to learn this much about owls? Like...
There was a whole section with... Yeah, owl pellets. They like give you a fucking hacked up fucking hairball that an owl makes and then you dissect it when you're a kid. What are you talking about? Did you not do this? You didn't do this? Maybe this is like a Northeastern... Maybe this is like a Massachusetts thing. Dude, that was actually really cool though. It was.
Is gross. Like conceptually it was gross. Like it was just like, this is just the fur and the bones. Like we're digging for bones. I've dissected a frog, but not an owl. Can I explain the owl? What the hell? Yeah. So the owl, when owl eats, it stores all the bones and the fur and the stuff that you don't want to digest in some kind of organ. And it hacks it up in like a pellet, the size of like your thumb, your whole thumb.
We got to dissect them in elementary school and they're like dry mostly fur but you'd like take them apart and you'd like find the skull of like a mouse or something or like a vole and you get to kind of figure out like what the owl ate and it was a really cool experience. Probably changed my life. I didn't know owl pellets were even a thing. They just normally turn their heads funny. They're like the cats or birds. Yeah.
The cats? Okay. They're nocturnal. They predate. Really reflective eyes. They hack up bones. That's cool. A. A. A. A. Yeah.
And it's like sort of a similar thing to a bald eagle in the sense of like, it's even more mysterious though, where it's like you hear an owl or you see some fucking thing flying over the horizon. You're like, was that a fucking owl? Like you barely ever get a chance to see an owl just like hanging about. Owls are cool. I'll tell you another thing about owls. I read a couple of books called The Guardians of G'huul. You ever read The Guardians of G'huul, Tucker Schlatt? Oh, yeah.
I don't know what it was, but when I was that period of late elementary school, I feel like there was a thousand different young adult novel series where they just gave animals, like a species of animals, they gave them wars. They started giving these creatures war.
Like, so in Gardens of G'huul, they're giving owls war. See that? The rescue. Look, they're giving these things fucking helmets. They're sending owls into war. But then there's also a series of books about cats, too. Remember that? Oh. Series about, like, the cat books, young adult. Let me see. Warriors. Yeah, there we go.
I knew a guy who was really into these books, and then it's about cats, and the cats are going to war. So I don't... Warrior cats. It's like, why did they do this so much? Like, I was enthralled. I didn't read these books. I read the Guardians of G'huul, but they also made a movie for Guardians of G'huul as well. There's a Guardians of G'huul movie. Silver Screen...
Hollywood movie Guardians of the pool. I just don't know I wasn't into I wasn't into animal stories as a young adult I was reading more like heat by Mike Lupica Mike Lupica was a big author for kids. Yeah middle school. What else did he write? He's a sports like sports stories Oh Sports stories. Yeah. No, I can't relate. I was more of an imagination game kid. Yeah Sorry
Let's quick fire. Let's fucking keep going on these fucking things. Who cares? What is that? F-eater. Fucking F-eater. F-F-F. That's just a rodent. I hate rodents. What's that? Emperor penguin? Put him at a D, dude. No, that's not an emperor. That's a macaroni penguin. Macaroni penguin? Put him at a fucking E.
That's a fucking weird pasta shape. Listen, well, Ted, you keep rapid firing. Just fire out some answers to this fucking shit while I write it for a minute. Put him at a C. Dude, I don't even care. You're lucky. Hi, buddy. Hope you find your dad. You're lucky that rodents aren't on this list. Platypus? Put that motherfucker at a B. F-tier animals. There's nothing cute, nothing redeemable about a raccoon with their fucking...
with their thumbs they have thumbs and they're bottom feeders they don't deserve to a lot to be alive is what i think put that elephant seal out like that thing is freaking me out dude oh delicious ew gross uh i just went through crosby white christmas raccoon f red pandas d don't care about that that was a fox
A skip and a hop away from rodents. Do you want to process what just happened, Shled? Do you want to hear what the... Don't care. You're so clearly invested in the results of... Although, I will care about the red-eyed tree frog that I see right there. S! If we can talk about him for a second. Is he an S?
yeah my first webkins was oh okay for 7.99 you bought them at the pharmacy and you had a world of fun oh my god and you had a world of fun i love that phrase oh look at that dude that was one of the best how much was a webkin super cool 7.99
A web- no, that sounds wrong. It was either $799 or $899. Ted, the world was a different place back then. It was like 2009, dude. $799. It was before that. Dude, this was like 2006. You weren't even born yet. No, no, that was 2009. Yeah, it was closer to that. Dude, yeah. I don't know if I had one of these, but man, getting a Webkinz was like fucking crack, dude. That was like...
gaining a sword or something that was like getting a fucking weapon getting a getting a getting a webkins was like getting cash like full-on getting like a thousand dollars every time i got a webkins in terms of like the mental stimulation 2005 they came out
2005 they came out. Damn, dude. We were seven when they came out. It was a very short period that we were into Webkinz thing. There's no way I was fucking with Webkinz when I was 13. They came out when we were seven?
Man. Yeah. S tier red eyed tree frog. Love that thing. Yeah. And also the main character, the main front man of the Rainforest Cafe. Cha cha. Tree frog. There you go. There you go. The red eyed tree frog. Even more reason. Giraffe. Put them at. They fight by swinging into each other's necks and each other's like fucking monsters, which is really fucking funny to watch.
And actually kind of scary too because they're like 15 feet tall. Where would a giraffe wear a necktie? At the bottom of its neck. No. Where do you wear a necktie? No. Where do you wear a necktie? It'd just be more funny the other way. It'd just be more funny the other way. No, no, admit it. Admit it. That's cool up there.
Admit it, that looks right! That looks right! No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! I say with the bow tie, with the bow tie, it makes sense. With the necktie, it makes a little bit less sense.
Makes more sense. I think it makes sense for it to be higher up with bow tie I think it makes more sense for it to be lowered down with necktie I just it's a gut feeling for me, and I just don't agree with you. It's a static feeling for me I just I just don't agree. I just don't agree. I think you're fucking crazy, and I think that you should be Arrested for your your opinion. Okay. It's not the worst thing you can arrest me for killer whales, okay?
Killer. Propaganda. Orca. Killer whales. Killer. We call them killer whales. Killers. They're killers is what they are. Aren't they though? Those little... They're not though. They're really not. They kill. Though they kill animals. They're predators. Killer whales. That's a killer whale. I know, but do we call a fucking tiger a killer tiger? Or a killer cat? Come on.
What are you acting like this for? What do you mean I'm acting like this? They're peaceful creatures to us. No, they're not. They would hang out with us, trust me. No, they're not. They have a bad track record. Track with what? Everyone. Being captured by SeaWorld? Killer whales. Killer whales. Zero reported incidents with humans. Not true. Okay, now you're just being belligerent. Now you're just being belligerent, man. Look it up.
I think Tucker has looked it up. That's the thing. There is a pod. I think it's near Europe's Atlantic coast that's been fucking with vessels. Oh, no. Isn't it in the Mediterranean or something like that? Yeah, that's Europe's Atlantic coast. Damn it. But never attacked a surfer like a great white. C for killer.
Okay. Clownfish F. Can't lose your son like that, douche. Yeah, F for fuck, where is he? Yeah, fuck, where's my son? What a lame movie. What is that, a gray wolf or a normal wolf? It's a gray wolf.
Not a normal one? I feel like the greatest... I know, it's just funny how much me saying "normal wolf" bothered you. Like, it made you short-circuit there for a second. 'Cause the tucker's got like an advanced knowledge of wolves and shit, so... You heard "normal wolf" and he freaked out internally. He was about to bust a gasket. I'm scared of wolves, but I feel like I could take one out easily with one well-placed kick.
I feel like I've heard that same sentence from you for so many animals and it's always been wrong. I gotta show you guys this video. This shit is fucking wild. Uh oh. What am I looking at? Scary. See how big that thing is, dude?
Compared to that dog? That's when he decided to do something about it? Hey! Hey! Man, that wolf was just sitting there. I didn't even know where he was. I didn't see either animal until they both started running. Why did the dog... The dog's going back in for seconds after he got... He's like running away and he was making the whimpering sounds and then he went in for seconds after.
Yeah, that was a mistake. Yeah, wolves are big, dude. That's a big - that wasn't a - that was a normal wolf, though. That wasn't a gray wolf. One well-timed kick is all it takes. No, dude. Yes! Of course, yes. Yes, of course. Those things get into fucking - you think - okay, you said this for a germ - like a police dog, too. You've said this for a police dog. Yeah. Yes. One kick.
Why do you think they used them for the cops if a well-timed kick was enough? That's what I'm saying. Other than the fact that if you killed a police dog, it would be like killing a cop. Most people don't have good timing. And you do? I have a shot. That's true. You do have a shot. I mean, Gray Wolf may be a B. Tucker looks up on Google, does Schlatt have a shot? This is where the puffins are, right here. Just there? That's where I saw them. They're on three islands in Maine.
Cool. They will only, Atlantic puffins will only nest at the same site where they were born. So if a population on an island gets exterminated, no puffins will return there. Wow. So they're really, really hard to reintroduce if you've wiped them out a little bit, which we did back in the day. We were hunting them. We were stupid.
Now we've had some serious conservationists reintroduce them and breed them on these islands. So now they'll come back and have babies there and the population is growing. Nice.
Okay, let's finish up this tier list. I'm getting sick of these fucking animals, man. Gray wolves. Gray wolf. I mean, was that other wolf a normal wolf or was that a gray wolf? What, is there another wolf in here that I'm missing? No, but the wolf from the video. Was that a normal wolf or was that a... Oh, we gotta finish this up. Goes back to an animal we've already... No, because I'm wondering. I'm wondering. I'm curious. Do the snow leopard. That's the cat wolf right there.
E for extinct. E for extinct. That's an extinct animal. Good riddance. Is that a turkey? What is that thing on the left? That's a lobster. That's a lobster? It's a lobster. Ooh, A for I love a lobster bisque. Nope. Nope. I love. D-I-D-A-I. There's not an A in that whole sentence.
Very few animals would let you catch the big nets and be put into a vending machine where little kids can fish for you. That's a D tier at least. Whoa! Well, if I'm...
Whoa! Whoa, hold on. Put it in C for... It came like multiple seconds after I finished talking. Well, because I was lining back up with what you were saying. Put it in C for catch me a lobster to make me lobster bisque. Okay, fine. Or no, put it B for bisque. No, C for catch me... I'll give you something else later if you put it B for bisque. Okay, give me something else later. Okay.
What's this next one? Bear? Grizzly bear. Grizzly bear. Awesome. Awesome animal. Awesome animal. Give this to me. Put that thing at A. Put it at A. There's a debate that's been going on about whether or not a bear could beat a gorilla in a fight. Oh, dude. We've talked. No, don't even bring this up. We've talked about this so many times on the podcast. Bear would absolutely beat the gorilla up. It'd be a bloodbath.
Claws, yeah. Now, I mean, it would. It would. A gorilla's not even a predator. Claws. It would. Bro, claw is... The claw is like this big. No, dude, we agree with you, man. We agree. Those things are massive. You're so off here. What? Who are you talking to? Is that a snake? It's an anaconda, yeah. Anaconda. They're kind of... Yeah, yeah, I know. Like, they're kind of like... That's not what I was implying.
It was more along the lines of it's like, it's kind of like, I feel like I need to like pick him up and like move him somewhere. I feel like he's taking up a lot of room. Like if, if like he's like hanging out at my house and I was like, dude, get out of here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get out of here. Yeah. Like put him at E for anaconda. Don't like snakes. I don't get people that have snakes. That's one of the worst types of animals you can have. Well, yeah.
Maya's got at her sanctuary, she's got a little one-eyed python, and it's really cute and small. It's even worse than a regular one. It's a really cute little python, and I was a little bummed that Tucker wasn't able to meet that python. That's all right. What else we got on here? We got like a couple more. We've got Nile crocodile. We've got black rhino. We've got caribou. We've got Galapagos tortoise. Galapagos tortoise, yeah. Caribou. Caribou.
Polar Express, Caribou. Love that movie. We're putting Caribou to S? Yeah. It's a reindeer. That scene from Polar Express when they're all in the way and then it goes, I do know. That little Uncanny Valley movie, one of our favorites. No, I love the Polar Express. I don't understand. I don't understand the hate for that. I didn't say I hated it.
I don't really understand why you hate it. Galapagos tortoise, where would you put it? I feel like any animal that looks like that should be able to swim. Wait, what? That's a weird... Looks like a boulder. Yeah, that thing should be... Like the last animal that looks like it would swim. That should be a seafaring critter. Like, there's no way that should be...
That thing belongs in the drink, you know it does. I think that that's my favorite sentence that you've ever said. Why? That should be a seafaring critter. It should be. You're right, it should be. There's no reason that two animals can look that similar and one of them lives in the sea and the other can't swim. Are you talking about... What the fuck does it... Yeah, turtles. Turtles, yeah.
They should make that thing twice as... 70 times as big, put it in the ocean, give it some hair on its face. All of a sudden, it's a giant lion turtle from Avatar The Last Airbender. That's fucking awesome. That's fucking awesome. Tucker, you were enchanted by that suggestion right there. Absolutely enchanted. It should swim. That's D.
That thing doesn't even... Does it swim? It did swim, too. Fucking stomp on it. It did? Yeah, it wasn't walking on the sea floor. That thing looks like a fucking burnt bubble in a pizza crust. I'm going to press my thumb into it and watch it shatter. That's a protected species. Those things lived at like 170 years old. Won't be feeling too protected with me within a 50 meter radius.
You know, didn't we see Galapagos tortoises? At Ox Range? Yeah, we did. No, I think those were just tortoises. They were not Galapagos. Yeah, there's no way that they would have gotten those. I forget what they were, but they were non-Galapagos. I think Galapagos tortoises are really, really well protected. Because in the Galapagos, Arpegalo, that high archipelago,
There's different species of Galapagos tortoise per island based because it's... Yeah, because... And there was... You know, that's where Darwin went to study evolution was the Galapagos Island, I think. I think that's where he had his epiphany. Yeah, that's where he had... Like, that's where he took a crazy shit. That's cool. Those tortoises were really dumb at Ox Ranch. They were looking at rocks. They were just like... Like a fucking inch away from a rock just...
Yeah, I mean, what else do you have to think about when you're a tortoise, dude? It's like you're just like... Not much. Lettuce. Yeah. There's a really funny image of a horse in a field. It's like a clipart horse in a field, and it's got a thought bubble coming out of it, and it's just it eating. And then the next frame is it...
While eating with a thought bubble that says not eating anymore. And it just picks its head back up. That is funny. What is that? What is that thing there? We have two left. We have a Nile crocodile and we have a black rhino. A Nile crocodile. Nile crocodile. I like those.
Again, it's like the horseshoe crab. You know? Like, you see that thing and you're like, that's from a different era. That's another time of existence. I would put it up to... I'd bump it up to it. Yeah. I'd say A. A for a crocodile, a dinosaur. And then finally, the black rhino. Yeah. I mean... E for extinct. It's just a shame, really. Like, you know, whenever someone would get...
I think it's fucked up that whenever someone gets a nose job, it's called, like, rhinoplasty. Oh, yeah, because they... I think it's kind of fucked up that they named that profession rhinoplasty because what are we referencing? Are we calling every person that comes in here a fucking rhino? Some of them are, dude. All right, put in a D, I guess? D for rhino? De-rhino? D for dying off. Not many left of those things, you know?
No, well, you're talking about the white rhino, which recently went extinct. Yeah. Or it's extinct pretty much everywhere. I think the last male just died like maybe two years ago. Shit. Now there's a bunch of chicks left. Chicks are left, dude. I think that... I think it's black rhinos that are critically... No, white rhinos. Northern white rhinos is what I'm thinking of. I'm thinking northern white rhino. Northern white rhino.
Yeah, the cousin of the rhinoceros it's often said is the hippo, and I think the hippo is really cool. But the rhino, not so much. People love hippos, they think that they're the most harmless creatures, but they actually kill lots of humans every year. Oh yeah, the fucking hippos are terrifying. If hippos were on the list, they'd be an F any day of the week.
creepy, creepy big teeth. They look so cute though. You know, like in cartoons and in Hungry Hungry Hippo, the children's game, but not in real life. They are nasty creatures and they use birds as their slaves. That's it. All right. Is this the finished list right here? All right. Choklers, here we are. It took us a little while, but this is the list.
We got our S tier characters. We got our A tiers, which are probably where people would put most of their S's. We've got the B's. We've got the C's. We got the D's for Derino. And we got E's and F's. Comment down below which one we got wrong. I bet there's only a couple. Thanks for watching. Chuck you later. Useless. I hate raccoons. Ferrets. Disgusting guys.
