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All right, Chucklers, this episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by our friends at Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash chuckle. Once again, that's mintmobile.com slash chuckle. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15.
Mom, Dad, Dad.
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With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock. I made a grand mistake. What happened? Went to Martha's Vineyard. The poor person's Nantucket. And I made a grand mistake when I was grilling.
so we didn't there wasn't lighters it wasn't like a candle lighter you know you have to when you're lighting a grill have you grilled before slant yes i've grilled before i grilled for the fourth of july well as you would know you you take a little lighter when you turn on the the propane and then you you light it with the and it's most convenient with a candle lighter because you don't have to get in there we didn't have that so i had to use like one of tucker's
by the way, wet matches that he had to light a little match. And I started putting in there, but it took me a while to find the matches and light it. So the gas had been going for a while. So I lit it and I went to put it in there and then it just went...
And I was like, whoa. And I look at my arm. All of the hair right here on my arm has been burnt off. I don't know if this is even visible. It's probably not. You're completely hairless, Ted. You're like one of those cats. There's like little tiny baby hairs here. It looks like peach fuzz. It looks like I'm trying to grow a beard when I'm 11. Dude, that's the treatment I got when Tucker chased me out of those rocks.
Completely hairless, man. I had to watch him regrow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you were screaming something about Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer. Yeah. I mean, that's what happened to them. That's how bad that fall was to you? That's how bad it felt in the moment. Yes. It was very painful. Tan them out to having your skin melted off by a nuke? Listen, I don't know how painful a nuke is, but in that moment, I felt like the two were similar.
But yeah, so that's what happened to me over this. That's the most notable thing that happened. I burnt all my hair off and now I look like a naked cat. I'm sorry. If it helps, you didn't look so good before anyways. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.
I gotta get this beer open. I gotta get this brewski open, but it's just, it's twisting. You know, it's just twisting. I don't know how to get it off. Just grab it with your teeth and just start screaming. Oh, is that a new knife? Let me use this knife. Yeah, I got a new knife. What is that, like a diving knife? It's a Milwaukee, dude. Milwaukee makes the best everything. It's probably 80 bucks.
Well, I'm rich. I don't care. I don't look at prices anymore. Did you know that, Tooker? Yeah, I kind of figured that out after the first five minutes of hanging out with you. When you showed up at that Lamborghini. Oh, my God. You're making me nervous. You're making me nervous. Chill out. Where's the skeletal? I don't know. The skeletal's in the other room. See, that's why you've got to have a pair of keys like mine. I've got my keys that have those. You think this would work on it? Potentially. That's the real true-blooded American way to do it.
Oh, you're not going to... Hey! Cheers! That's fucked up that worked. That's messed up that that worked. Oh, I fucked my fingers up big time. Oh, shit. As is the American way right there. Oh, shit, dude. I just ripped the skin off of multiple fingers. Oh, no. No, we're good. We're good. No, no. I'm saying oh, no because you're going to be talking about this for weeks. What?
There he goes. There he goes. Jeez, I feel like... I hate these. So dangerous. Welcome everyone to Chuckle Sandwich. A lot of people don't know this, but that little bed behind Schlatt's not actually his real bed. What he does to sleep at night in reality is he goes into his little laboratory and he just puts himself in a vat of aloe vera gel. And that's how he just floats in that at night.
A hundred kisses, that's what heals any wound. Dude, I'm fucked! I'm fucked! It's deep! That's what she said. Anyways, what's going on in the podcast today? What are we doing? Oh, well, you know... I gotta put this behind me. I gotta put this behind me, okay? I keep talking about the fact that I got bludgeoned for the second time in your guy's company. This is a self-inflicted... You're by yourself right now in your room. This is self-inflicted. Bludgeoned!
This is tantamount to... Yeah, no, this was self-inflicted on your part. Fuck!
All right, Chucklers, this episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by our friends at Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash chuckle. Once again, that's mintmobile.com slash chuckle. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15.
Welcome, everyone, to another episode of Chuckle Sandwich. We're so glad to have you here. Fuck. I'm going to just wipe the blood on my t-shirt. They're $2 a pop. I'll just get another one. Oh, man.
Oh, man. Tucker's looking like that in shock, but then at the same time makes total sense that Tucker would do the same thing. Last time we talked to Tucker about his pants, he was like, yeah, dude, whenever I got crumb and stuff on my hands, I just wipe them all over my shorts. Where are you guys wiping your hands? The other side of my pants.
I'm getting a napkin. So here's the thing. Sometimes you don't have a napkin nearby and you need to wipe it on something. I'm not going to wipe it on this. These are expensive. My bottoms are all expensive. What I skimp out on are the Gildan 5000s that I buy in bulk for $1.60 a pop. I mean, if it's Cheeto dust, I'm usually just licking the fingies.
I'd rather do that than get wipe on my pants. Half the time I'm too lazy to even do my laundry. So I'll just re-buy. No, you won't. Yes, I will. Yes, I will. I have a package of 10 fresh ones in my room right now. So are you on like this pipeline of you purchasing new shirts and then like what, donating? I'll donate the dirty ones usually. Oh, okay. At least you're donating. Yeah, they'll wash them if they really want them. Okay.
You show up to the Goodwill and they're like, blood shirts again, Schlatt? You're like, yeah, you know me. You know me. And you're like, Schlatt, we can't take these. It's a biohazard. You keep giving us these blood shirts. Well, I mean, homeless people want shirts, don't they? Yeah, that's true. They could use them for something. I don't need it. Fuck, man, that's deep. The one disadvantage, it's not that deep, guys.
Come on. It keeps going. It keeps going. Just for this? Just for a beer. Just for a sip of a beer. But welcome, everyone, again, once more, to Chuckle Sandwich. We love to have you here. We're here in your car. We're here in your house. We're looking at you in the eye, and we're saying we love you.
Staring through the peephole. Let me in. Let us in. I'm standing outside the hallway. It's hot out here. You let me in. Let us in. We're friendly. But Tucker's got a special thing for us today. He's got a special topic.
Give us a rundown, Tucker. We're doing a little bit of imagination stuff. Well, can I also say something? Well, I'll wait until Tucker explains it. Okay. I have a stipulation that Shalai needs to follow before we go into it. Today's episode will be you guys ranking about 15, give or take, worlds and their survivability.
So how well you think you would survive in this fantasy or sci-fi land as an average contender? Okay. Average contender. So just like... So let's say we're talking about Lord of the Rings. You're not Gandalf.
Right. Damn it. You're just a guy. We're just who we are in these mythical worlds. Yeah, you're an average contender amongst the known participants. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's fair.
Okay. Ted, what was the stipulation? You can't kill yourself. I was going to kill myself for each one. You can't kill yourself. I was going to do that. That was my guess. I know, but this is a stipulation that we have here for this one. There's a rule. The only rule is that Schlatt can't immediately say that you're going to kill yourself. Okay.
Can I get, can you give me one? Give me one. I kill myself immediately. And then I'm just out of the race. Ted, I think that's fair. I think that's fair too. I'll allow one. I'll allow one offing of thyself. Okay. One, one.
Yeah. No, not to be told. No, no, no. This is slippery. Slow. I'm bleeding because of a beer bottle. Because this is why it's so useless out there. I know, but this is why you're so dangerous to give you more than one. Even in real life, even real life, you're making yourself bleed. So I don't know how so.
Honestly, this couldn't be more fitting. This could not be more fitting. This could not be more fitting that Shalette is actively bleeding as we're telling him, Shalette, you can't kill yourself. You can't. I'd kill myself now if I got the chance. You're giving yourself chances left and right. I don't want to deal with this. Oh, Jesus. Okay. Just hold it down. You've got so many dots of blood on there.
Yeah, well, you're supposed to dot it. I don't want the tissue to fuse with my hand.
You know, with like gauze. Become the tissue. Well, that's what happens if you leave gauze on too long, you know? Yeah. Or you don't lubricate it enough. You know, it fuses with your skin and then you got to rip it off. Yeah, not over the course of a podcast, though. So you're saying I should just hold the tissue against it the whole time? I think you should. I think you should. And you can only kill yourself once in one of these worlds. Okay? Okay. Can I get a little band-aid first?
Yeah, go get your band-aid. Can I get a little band-aid first? Go get your band-aid. Can I go fill this up? Yeah, you may fill that up, Tucker. Jesus. Guys, I feel like I'm working with a series of children right now. Nah, I'm just joking. I'm just joking. What's up with you guys today? God, this is weird. I'm by myself. This isn't normal. I usually have someone to respond to me, and now I have to...
Let's pretend we're having a conversation. Hey, it's been so long since I've seen you. How are you? Oh, ew. Okay. Oh, geez. Well, that didn't go well. No, I don't like talking to you guys. You know, that's why we're here. And you're sitting there on the bench. Nobody's watching this on a bench. On a couch. And you got to replace that couch. You've had that couch for far too long. I know what it's like. You need to replace that couch.
Get a new couch. Go to... And don't skimp out on a couch either. You know? I got my couch when I moved to LA for $425. And every day, practically, I look at that couch and I'm like, I hate you. I hate you. Don't pay $400 to hate something for four years. It's a bad idea. What other shit can I rant about? Man, I don't know. Oh, well, he's back now. Wow, okay.
Dude, come on. What? You're acting like your whole body's in pain now. Ted, I hurt myself. Dude, can you feel a little bit of empathy for once in your life? I didn't even talk about how I hurt myself like two, three days ago. Oh, yeah, I did just insult. My first reaction was to insult you. So, you know what? I guess it's fair. No, I wasn't even talking about the one where I bled.
I didn't even bring that one up. You bled? I was climbing up some rocks and I scraped my shin and I was bleeding for a while. It looks way worse than it actually is in terms of damage. It looks like I got attacked by a lion. A lion? Yeah, a lion or maybe a lynx. Lynx? Yeah, potentially a lynx or maybe a bobcat.
Yeah. Is this another challenge where you have to name animals? No. Is that the goal today? Yeah. He's got to name every animal on this poster. No, no. I was just going to keep naming big cats until I couldn't anymore, honestly, or until you tried to stop me. Well, stop. You can stop. Oh, no. I know. I know you stopped me just then. Tucker, what are you drinking right now? This is Tito's Newman's Own Pink Lemonade and...
Whatever that mixer was that you guys bought, I just threw a splash in there to give it some color. Mixer? We're drinking. Basically, our diet for the next 36 hours is all the leftovers from the Airbnb that we took home. Yeah. I mean, that was very convenient that you guys were going home. Yeah. No TSA to get on the interstate. Yeah. Seriously. Oh, that would suck. I bet they're going to add that soon.
You know, in California, they're going to add that. I mean, California already kind of has that at the border after I'm done. Yeah. Well, at the border of like Mexico. No, no. At the border of Nevada and California, there's a big gate on. This is an agricultural thing. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's how it starts. Yeah, they don't want us bringing lemons and limes into California because I think they're going to have bugs on them. That's such pussy shit. Let me take my lemons across the border, please. Is this not a free country? Am I being detained, officer? You know what I would do? I would just go and I would paint all my lemons like baseballs and I'd be like, I'm a baseball salesman. That's a good idea, dad. There you go. I'm a baseball salesman.
Yeah. And then they'll come over and they'll squeeze them and the lemon juice will come out and I'll be like, well, they're not ready yet. That's my specialty.
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All right, so let's, are you, how are you doing? - I'm good, I'm good. I'm treating my wounds, but I can, you know, I can have conversation at the moment. - Okay, that's good. - I'm doing okay. - So Tucker, give us a rundown. We got a little list here. It's essentially a tier list. - It's like a tier list, but you know, it's not like what's best and what's worst. It's based on survivability, okay? So at the top of the list, you've got, I will thrive, followed by I'll hit 30.
Then followed by a couple months. Followed by a week. And finally you'll be dead immediately. Upon entering this world. So what's the difference between I will thrive and I'll hit 30? Because in a lot of these worlds 30 is thriving. You're 26. You're the old man in the pod. That's true.
And Jay Schlatt is like 24. You think I'm 20? Thank you. The mutton chops, you know, they make you look young. That's what I hear. So let's assume in that world, you know, you'll hit 30 years old. You can safely say I'll live another, what, Ted, three and a half years.
Come on, man. Okay. Yeah, that stung, didn't it? It did. It did sting a little bit. So, like, you know, some of these you might say, like, you know, I'll be okay, but I'll probably get knocked out in a war or something, you know? Yeah, sure. So, do you want me to pick your order, or do you guys want to pick them? Yeah, just pick one for us. I'll start you off. So, have either of you seen Game of Thrones? No.
No. Yeah, Ted has. I've seen an episode. So I'll give you a little brief of the threats, all right? So Game of Thrones, Fantasy World...
Your threats are going to be, you got dragons. Dragons. You've got warring families who have like, you know, they kind of, they say they call up their men. They're like, hey, everybody, we're going to war. So just heads up, send your men. There's ice men. Yep. There's white walkers, ice people. You've got minor magical elements. You know, it's kind of undefined light magic. Nice.
And you've got multi-year winters. So it's kind of like very small glacial periods, like decades. Okay. I'm going to kill myself. Okay. You know what? I'm going to kill myself. All right. We're going to kill ourselves. Dead immediately. I've never seen this show. I've never seen it either. I don't know what it's all about. I've never seen it either. Sounds terrifying. I'm actually going to add a row below this.
That is kill ourselves? Kill myself. And we'll just make this purple. Black. Black. We should start with one that we know. Well, it's too late. Well, yeah, now we've already killed ourselves in Game of Thrones. And Schlatz used up his death. He's used up his kill himself. Now he's got to... Don't! No, no, no. We've agreed to this before we started. Dude, look at me. Give me one more. I'm damaged. I'm damaged goods.
This was a beer bottle. A beer bottle did this to me. Okay, but you got to understand, Shalette, if I give you one more, you have to understand that you will not be distributed any more killings of yourself. You won't be able to get any more suicides after this one. Okay? Okay. All right. Fine. Ted, would one of you like to pick, or would you want me to pick for you? Yeah, pick for us. Okay, so have either of you played Minecraft before?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I love Minecraft. For the viewers and the listeners who don't know, in Minecraft, it's a survival game. And you're going to encounter things like zombies, skeletons, creepers, endermen. Cryptids. Hell is real here. And it's full of zombie pigs. You've got go set, shoot explosives. Hell is real. Heaven is not.
No, heaven is kind of like a void-ish end in which there's a big scary dragon and more endermen. But you can download mods, right? You can get into the aether. This is a vanilla conversation. Oh, this is vanilla. This is vanilla. Let's keep it vanilla. You might encounter hunger. There's frequent lava encounters, heights, and pillagers. Heights.
heights pillagers uh there's food that rots but to get more precise i guess this is a question of how long would you make it in a hardcore world oh in a hardcore world that's you just that's the curveball that you just threw in there because i thought i had this sorted i just spawn in in a peaceful world and then i'm good
Yeah, but this is as if we spawned in as Steve and we're a real guy in this world. Like we got sucked in to Minecraft like it was like one of those cyber movies. You guys are Steve and Alex. Oh, can I be Alex? Wow, that's... I would have pegged you as Steve. I'm Steve. No, dude, I've always wondered what it's like to be a girl. Nice. I'm Steve. Um...
Well, okay. We played a lot of hours of Minecraft. We did. I am not good at the game. I'm not good. I'd be walking everywhere because that's my bit in the game. I walk everywhere. Yeah. But if it's anything like how Minecraft works every other time,
The people I'm around, I'll just steal from with no repercussions. I mean, stealing is so easy in Minecraft. I mean, you should have even seen, I was rummaging through both of your guys' chests in SDMP. And so was Tucker. Likewise.
So it was Tucker. Tucker, I caught you rummaging in my underground hidden chest. That was, to this day, the biggest jump scare I've ever had on my stream. You probably felt like a little kid getting caught. Yeah, it's exactly how I felt. I was like, oh, well, you know, maybe Schlatt's got some dirt. I was looking for something like dirt. Yeah, sure. And, of course, Schlatt happened to be watching.
I'm always watching. That's the thing. The founder is always watching. The founder is always watching. I feel like... I don't know. I think if the point here... Based on the Tucker's list here, it seems like the point is to survive at all costs. I feel like if I...
I could do the classic hide in the hole at night, wake up during the day, start building my farm. Once you got a farm going, you're basically infinite food. I just create a little underground fortress. I don't get too... Because the way that you die mostly in Minecraft, you start getting greedy. You start being like, oh, what's down there? Maybe I get some diamonds. Maybe I blame myself out. Ted, can I just say that that is your nature? Ted's the kind of guy you spawn in...
Ten minutes later, full set. Full set. He turns around and I'm fully stacked. He does not have a shelter built at all, but he has a full set enchantment. Well, both of you do. Both of you do. You guys moved out in the middle of nowhere as your first action. You lived the life of hermits and you got...
diamond armor the first day. - Okay, that's more like what Captain Sparkles did. Captain Sparkles walked up to us and he had like the golden sword of truth and killed us with like a click. - Okay, that's okay, that's Captain Sparkles. Captain Sparkles didn't do that. He's Captain Sparkles, dude. He made Fallen Kingdom. - Did he give him a license for that?
I'm just saying it would, I'm just saying like, we know, we know that's what he's like. So if I make a Minecraft parody that get those numbers, I have the right. Good luck making a Minecraft parody. That's getting better numbers than fallen kingdom. Yeah. Yeah. Like 500 million views or something like that. Hmm. Well, you are going to get greedy because that is how you know, that's how you are. You play Minecraft greedily, greedily, greedily.
I don't, I mean, but if the point is like, I'm like, this is real. I get hit. I feel I'm like, ouchie ouch. I'm like, and I feel that, that, you know, that's going to create a real sense of fear in me. And I'm going to act like a person would. And, and then, you know, maybe I'll,
I don't know. Maybe I'll start like a little underground thing. Get some cows. Look, this is going to be difficult for you. It'd be crazy, but I feel like I could survive. I'll hit 30 at least. This would be character progression for you, Ted. And that's why I think it'll be difficult for you. But for me, I just start stealing shit day zero.
- Right. - This has always been my plan. - This is a multiplayer world. - No character development has to happen. - This is multiplayer? - I'm just gonna loop. This is multiplayer, of course it's multiplayer. - Okay. - We're talking real life, baby. So the way I play, I'm fine. I'm thriving in this world. This is my dojo. - So how far do you think you're gonna live? - I think maybe I hit 30 and then I kill myself.
I'll take it. Wait, are you using that as your kill yourself point? No, no, no, no, no. But I'm saying I probably wouldn't want to live in any of these worlds. So I think at some point... We know that. I'll thrive and then finally one day I'll be like, that's enough. Okay. And then I'll kill myself. So you're up at all. I think I'd even thrive. Yeah, I think I'd thrive. Okay. Right up until that point. I could see myself thriving too. So...
I just feel like it's one of those scenarios where if you got in a hardcore world and the only point was just to survive as long as you can, wouldn't you just create the most simple living situation? It'd be very easy. Yeah. It'd be very easy. You literally just hole yourself up. You could have a piece of glass as a roof shining sunlight down on your crops, fully lit. You'd be fine. You could live down there forever. Oh, yeah.
It'd be simple. And then I come along. And then if we had the mods that Shad has on the server, I'd be decked out in Neptunian armor. Oh, dude. Modded Minecraft? Simple. Yeah. Absolutely fucking. I build a gun. I would love to live in modded Minecraft, man. I build a gun. I hang out with my, I don't know. I bet there's a waifu Minecraft mod. Yeah, the Jenny mod that you can fuck. Yeah, you can fuck the Minecraft girls.
Is that, that's a real thing? Yeah. Yeah. Jenny mod. Yeah. Jenny mod. Oh yeah. We didn't add that one to the server. We didn't add that one to the server. Unfortunately. I thought you were really into the Jenny mod. No, I don't know. This is the first I'm hearing of the Jenny mod. You're really playing this off. I got plenty hours on the Jenny mod. What are you doing here? What is this? It's okay to admit that you play the Jenny mod. Ted, it's okay.
slapping some Minecraft cheeks. No, I get it. I get it. What are you... Tucker, what are you trying to do here? No, it's okay. Tucker's trying to convince the audience right now that there's some secret...
Well, no, because I'm like, Tucker's being a bastard. He's red as a tomato right now. I don't play the Jenny mod. Like, I've never even heard of the Jenny mod. What? Okay. Explain the Jenny mod to me. Is it like multiplayer? So the Jenny mod. Yeah. You can load it on a multiplayer world. In some villages, we'll add Jenny.
Jenny. Oh, the villagers? Who is either... No, no, no. It's not a villager. It doesn't act like a regular villager. But she spawns in the villager houses. And you can... She's either like a well-put-together babe or a goth babe or sometimes there's even slime babes that you can... You can fuck all of them if you... They're all prostitutes. You can give them emeralds or diamonds and gold. And depending on how much you give them, they'll fuck you or suck you.
So it's just the, it's like a prostitute NPC mod. Yeah. Yeah. There's no getting to know them. There's none of that bullshit. There's none of that bullshit. It's just meat, meat for a quick suck and fuck.
You're doing very good at pretending to not know what I'm talking about. I hate that. Explain this. How does this work? They're villagers? What? They suck you off? Emeralds. I don't know how to... What's crazy is that there's realistically no defense for me to have against this if you guys keep going the route of...
Wait, he's doing a really good job of pretending that he doesn't know what this is. Because the more I'm like, I don't know what this is, the more you guys are like, he's fucking the girls in Minecraft. I'm fucking the girls in Minecraft. You made a video about this on TotalMinerBuilder. If I was fucking the girls in Minecraft, I'd be fucking at least 10 to 20 girls in Minecraft. A day? A day.
Maybe 30 to 40. 30 to 40 girls a day. You'd be needing to be in the mines, dude. You need to be in the mines getting some fucking diamonds because they don't, they're not cheap. I'll tell you that much.
Or one to five? Let's push on. How are you not getting it? No, no. Leave me alone. Leave me alone, dude. Leave me alone. Yes, I just got it. Minecraft, we're thriving. Top of the list. We're thriving. We're thriving and we're going to kill ourselves. All right, why don't Ted, why don't you make a pick here? Well, actually, let me pick one that I know you can tell us about. You can tell us. Why don't you tell us about Dune? I know you got into that this year. I don't think I'm surviving in Dune, dude. Tell us the threats of Dune.
Oh, the threats in Dune? Well, the dunes are just really dangerous. It's like there's a lot of sand. Yeah. You go out there real hot outside. The dunes. The dunes get you? I don't think that many people would survive long enough to not be gotten by the dunes. The dunes. Mm-hmm. Well, here's how you get. Here's how you don't die to the dunes. You got to go like this.
What the hell? Okay, yeah, no, he's doing a sand walk or whatever, a sand dance. So one of the main threats in Dune is the very iconic worms. They're very large. They've got big teeth and they swallow you up
And if you don't walk weird on the sand, then they'll get you. They'll get you. Yeah. I'd be caught fucking. I'd be caught fucking so quick. My God. It's kind of like, I mean, what other dangers are there? Tell us about the voice. What?
The voice where you can convince people to do things? Oh, yeah. There's also that fucking Bene Gesserit mental scream they do where they're like, listen to me. They're like a bunch of nuns that are kind of like the Illuminati also. Tell us about the spice. And they make ice cream too. Yeah. Well, do they? Yeah, the Bene Gesserit. Bene Gesserit. Jerry is it?
Yeah. Oh, that's funny. That's good. Thanks. Yeah. Gold star? Gold star? I'm going to be a bronze. Don't even fucking worry about it. Put it on there, Emma. Put it on there. I don't even need a fucking bronze star. Give them the bronze. Get that the fuck up. I gave it to you. Put that...
away, dude. Thank you. Uh, but yeah, no, they got, they got sand, basically Arrakis, the sand dune planet where all the dune shit takes place. It used to be like this really cool planet with like a lot of water and cool shit and oceans and shit until they brought, I think those worms aren't even native to Iraq as they brought them there. And then the worms, they just kind of eat the ground and then they poop out spice or, uh,
Merlays or whatever it's called. And that shit lets people hallucinate, which is the main source of interstellar travel in that universe. Because apparently a long time ago, they had a fight with the robots, AI uprising. And now they don't use computers anymore, but they definitely do use computers from what I've seen from the Dune series, but they like don't count or something. Like they just don't use like,
AI or something and now imagine if Interplanetary travel we could do it with some heroin. Yeah, no like a dude gets high and then he's like oh
That way. In space. In space. It's crazy. All the planets pop up on his HUD. Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't believe what happens later in the series. Apparently, there's this one guy who becomes the king of humanity, but he's like a worm, a human hybrid, and he is ugly as fuck. Look up the worm-human hybrid guy from Dune. He's an ugly motherfucker. Worm-human hybrid? Yeah, he's like... From Dune?
Look at this guy. Look at this motherfucker. How do you even become that? I don't know how he managed it. You got to fuck one of those things in the mouth or something? Surely some sucking and fucking is going on. And then it just shits you out? Oh my God, that'd be a fun day. Look at his arms. He's got little baby arms. Yeah, so that's dangerous. I mean, you might end up...
Fucking a worm. All right. What do you think your survivability is? Oh, like zero, dude. If you put me on a rack, it's like those motherfuckers had to wear suits to keep all the water in their system. They're drinking their piss.
I'll probably survive maybe a week. I think you could go a couple months. You think I could go a couple months? I mean, depends on what happens. Like, they'd keep you alive for a little bit. You know, they'd probably feel bad. The Dunes? No, the Fremen's. Yeah. The Fremen's. Because they're nice people, right?
I don't think they are. You don't think they're nice people? Well, it depends. Are we a Fremen? That's kind of like the... I think you'd be a Fremen. That's sort of the indigenous population of Arrakis. Oh. Tucker, are we Fremen? So are we the Fremens or are we the crackers? You can pick. You can pick what side. I think you'd survive as a Fremen. If you grew up as a Fremen, I think you'd be fine. Yeah, I'm hitting 30 as a Fremen at least. Yeah. I don't think I'm surviving. I think that they're very much a surviving...
They are surviving. If I'm Fremen, I'm hitting 30. If you're a cracker, dead within a week. Dead in a week, yeah. I think you're dead in a week. So then let's meet in the middle here. A couple months. Good for you guys. Schlatt, would you like to pick one? Yeah, sure. What's this Harry Potter shit?
stuff going on here. Why is Harry Potter in here? Okay, let's talk about Harry Potter. So threats that exist in this world. We're going to do the timeline of the main books. If we do this for every series here, it's going to take us forever though. I'll go quick. You've got wizard muggles, racism together, they hate each other, you've got dark wizard wars, you have creatures, you have death and torture magic, and it all takes place in England.
Oh, yeah. So just live somewhere else. No, you can't. It doesn't. You can't. You can't. No, you're you're spawning in as somebody that goes to Hogwarts. Oh, yeah. OK. Just like a normal. That's just a little university. That's just a little boarding school. You don't have to get tied up in any of this politics. Yeah. But I feel like out of like it's weird with Hogwarts. Hogwarts is like some weird political center of like the wizarding.
I don't know. Hogwarts has way more power than is reasonable for a fucking boarding school. Do people get killed in Hogwarts and shit? Oh, kids are dying all the time, at least from what we've seen. Yeah, no. I've never watched. I've never read. I've never watched. I don't know. They have like a whole forest. They have a whole forest that they're like, don't go there. But it's like a townhouse.
10 minute walk right there from the school like it's like you'd be silly not to go yeah like you don't think i'm gonna be doing like the kids are smoking weed in there like i'm gonna i'm gonna be hitting like the buzzed version of those chocolate frogs in the dark forest if you know that's what i'm gonna be doing that's where that's where that's where cancer corner is there's you know it's a corner yeah they're doing the throwback lines of bug wart
powder and shit you know but it's not like dune dangerous no we put dune we put dune i mean now that i think about it dune is surprisingly high yeah that's why i feel like a week yeah yeah pull it down to a week because i think we pulled dune down by one because hogwarts is like this just seems so tame in comparison yeah i mean the thing is though you gotta i i feel like i would not hogwarts let's be honest
Hogwarts, the reason why so many kids in school who love their books love Hogwarts is because it's realistically a society in which the people who were school smart do good. They survive. And they get the most power. And let's be honest, in no other world are the school smart people running the world like that. The street smarts rule in every other world. Because it's like...
Okay, you know, you're learning the proper way to say Wingardium Leviosa or Leviosa. And then all of a sudden now you can kill people with a green laser. Yeah. The only bit of Harry Potter content I've consumed in my entire life is the Oni NG video where they use Wingardium Leviosa. You've never seen any of the movies? No, no.
I just saw him use the wand to get his dick hard. Have you seen any of the things on this list? No, I don't consume content. Whoa. What? Are you sure? I've seen the Hunger Games. Let's talk. Well, here, rank Harry Potter and let's go to the Hunger Games. Okay. Well, look, if we're talking school smarts, I got a 33 on the ACT.
Something in the 1400s on the SAT. That's not bad. It's not that bad. I think I'm going to do all right here. I think I'll probably hit 30 and then die to some spell. So here's the thing. I got a 29 on the ACT, so I actually didn't hit 30. You break it down. Yeah, yeah. So I think I'm bringing this down to a couple months. Ted's getting through one semester. I'm getting through one semester, and then there's a goblin that's going to come in and rip me in half and put me in a toilet.
You're going to say rip your dick off. I thought he was going to rip my dick off. Yeah, I was. But then I was like, no, that wouldn't kill you though. You know, maybe, maybe not having a dick would make you take yourself out though. Yeah, it probably would. It probably would. Or I'd find some solace in moaning Myrtle. Who? Really? Let's not open that can. Really horny. Let's go to the next one. Let's go to the hunger games. Horny ghost, like kind of like a pedophile too, based on our age. Uh,
Schlatt, will you give us a little background? Yeah, I'm born in the capital. I live life with a silver spoon in my mouth and I never struggle or have to worry about anything. Okay, well, Tucker, can you get... But then you get called for the reaping. Well, here's what we'll do. Oh, the capital doesn't get the reaping, do they? No. Tucker, is there a way that we can give Schlatt a random number from 1 to 12?
And then do the same for me. And then we get that. We determine that determines the district we land in. Let's do a little dice roller from total of 12. Well, now hold on. Now we're ready to cook. Okay. Okay. Roll it. Ooh. District 11. Okay. Is that me? I'll take this. Ted. One. Oh, you're a rich boy. Look at you, dude. Look at you.
You got all the, well, they are like the careers, they call them, right? Uh-huh. Well, yeah. So the first couple districts, and this is the only lore I remember from anything else on this tier list, they call them the careers, right?
Right. Because oftentimes you'll have people in these districts who have all the money. They train up to excel at the Hunger Games. And so even if your name is called, doesn't really fucking matter because one of these guys, his time is going to be now. He's going to be like, I volunteer. He's going to take your fucking spot. Yeah. And most of them don't even have to worry about it. Well, yeah. Interesting. The show, Ted, or the movie, those guys historically always win.
- Yeah. - Right, 'cause they're literally just spend their whole life training instead of like trying to survive off of bread. - Exactly. - So I'm like a rich kid that probably won't even get called to action.
Yes, you will get you will have some rich like career athlete take your place. Most likely. Nice. Sounds like I'm going to thrive. What? Yeah. Can you look at what District 11 is specifically for Schlatt? What do they do? Let's think. Let's see. Agriculture. Oh, Rue.
Okay, but Rue still died. Everyone died. Like, I don't know. Am I assuming my name gets picked here? I'm probably going to die. I don't think I'm not going to live in the Hunger Games. And how long is the Hunger Games? Like, maybe a week? I think it depends on the game. I think we meet in the middle yet again. I'm probably going to die in the games. Ted will thrive. So we'll last a couple months. We'll last a couple months. We'll last a couple months.
Yeah. Nice. On average. Yeah. Quiet place dead immediately. Oh yeah. I think we are dead immediately in quiet place. There is no shot that we are living through that. It's almost unreasonable that the characters in the movie are alive because they're so picky choosy on what causes like,
Here's one of my issues. In the first movie, they're doing this whole thing where they're walking along this pathway in temperate woods that they've covered with sand. And the sand is supposedly making everything quiet.
i'm looking at that and i'm like i'm seeing i mean tucker could probably label the trees but i'm at least seeing a norway maple right there and those stuff you know they lose their leaves right tucker yeah they're deciduous they lose their leaves so there's especially in the fall you know there's just always going to be leaves down there and leaves are like the crunchiest thing ever there's no way that they're walking anywhere in that area without them dying and getting hurt by the
listener creatures that will kill them the listeners also they were just making terrible decisions i'm sorry what do you mean you're having sex what do you mean you're trying to procreate in this world you kidding me yeah they do have a baby don't they they have a baby they were fucking in the they were fucking in the apocalypse what do you mean it was an accident hey babe maybe maybe i shouldn't come in you this time yeah because it's a fucking apocalypse yeah
Imagine doing that to your wife, burdening her with a child and making her give birth silently in a bathtub. Yeah, worst time to have a baby. Fucking asshole. I feel like the only way, and this is going to sound a little bit unreasonable in our modern sense, but if you're in an apocalypse like that, you'd really just have to muzzle your babies. You'd have to muzzle your babies. You'd have to put some tape over their mouth or something because they're going to...
Now, don't cover their mouth so they can breathe, but that shit's only open enough for my son to eat. Humans can breathe out their nose, too. Well, yeah, I know that, Tucker. Thank you for letting us, letting my class know that humans can breathe out their nose. If you think three white dudes on a podcast whose job it is to be loud and speak...
If you think they're lasting any more than a couple minutes, you're wrong. Yeah, and shit hit the fan fast in that movie, too. Fast. Very fast. Those aliens didn't even need any time to recuperate after they came down from space. They were like... And they're running down the street. Yeah, it was like the meters come in and they were like... There was a launch pad there. They were all lining up like they were getting ready to run the 100 meter. Yeah.
Those things are beast though. I'll tell you one thing though. The Quiet Place does have lore that I'm curious about. That's one of those apocalypse scenarios where I'm like, man, I wish we could beat them. It's a real problem that we have to deal with at some point. Spoiler though, you'd think that there would be
Plenty of people who would immediately be like, oh, they care about sound. Let's set them up with this high frequency shit. Yeah. Right. So blast some speakers out, create a little wall of this high pitch frequency that you can't even hear. A bunch of police forces have that shit too. Like they've got those trucks with the giant speakers on them that just play that bass noise that like kills babies. Yeah.
Yeah, baby killers. Death Star Ambience. Yeah, yeah. Death Star Ambience. It would happen. Like, there would be communities that thrive, but it's not going to be me. I saw, I think it was in the first movie, there was like a newspaper where it was like, it's sound or something. Like, it was like they were distributing newspapers saying that it was like about the sound stuff. But I was like...
I don't know if those newspapers would get distributed because a print press, I imagine it'd be pretty loud. Yeah. And then the cars that you have to deliver them on. Yeah. My biggest pet peeve of that movie is like they're walking through the woods and I'm like, if you walk through the woods, like 6am, there's the amount of birds chirping is like insane. It's so loud.
That's why they talked under the waterfall. Yeah. Wait. Yeah. Honestly, those creatures would collapse the ecosystem in a week. They'd never get the bird. What the fuck? Just live under the waterfall. You took it too far. Why did they? No, no. Stop. Why did the dad take the boy to the waterfall and start talking with him? Why not just be like, let's stay here. We can live normally under this waterfall.
The fuck? Yeah, that is a little... Let's live in the family house that's made out of wood and logs and creeks. Let's live in the old barn. Stupid fucking movie, man. Actually, this is stupid. I'm getting mad just thinking about it. Yeah. Dead immediately. Okay, well, let's give you something you do like to think about, Schlatt. How about DayZ? Killing myself. Killing myself immediately. Don't want to live in that world. Remember, that's your second. Killing myself immediately. I don't want to live in DayZ. Wow.
That's fair enough. I'll let it happen. Listen, man, something about DayZ makes you so jaded and cynical.
- Oh, that's where you get it? - It's just not worth it. Like I don't want to be one of the survivors in DayZ because your trust in humanity and everything you love falls to nothingness. - Yeah. There are people who will, like I've seen stories of people who will go get online and play with people for weeks.
weeks yeah tell me about it ted you have tell me about it it happened it did happen to me i think you're referencing the exact story i know but i've also seen like reddit posts and stuff about it too where it's like fucking crazy people are fucking psycho man this is a common thing i feel like that or not totally common but it is something that people do
Let's fill the new listeners in. I downloaded Daisy Standalone the summer it came out in 2013. I loved the game. I played it every day. I met this kid. We talked on Skype. We were buddies. We were gaming buddies for weeks. The transfer to Skype is really the betrayal. The level of betrayal there is insane. Yeah. We were friends. We'd sit in VCs for hours. And one gaming session...
I was like, all right, I'll see you tomorrow. I log off and he kills me and he takes my Mosin and he blocks me on Skype. For a Mosin is wild. Yeah. And that kind of ruined my entire life, actually. Yeah. I feel like your trust in people was totally...
totally eroded from then on out totally eroded yeah and um that will that will happen in real life because the stakes are even higher the boy that lived before that moment was a totally different schlatt that was a that's when i became a man yeah a life-altering pathway it was like there's the child young adult that's when the that's when the switch flipped yeah and
Yeah. And then I became a man when SMP Live started. All right. So what's the next thing we got here, Tucker? How about we do Middle Earth, which is Lord of the Rings Hobbit world.
So this world, you know, you've got orcs and goblins. You've got multiple species wars going on. Evil wizards, dark magic, creatures. And you've got Gollum. You know, he's just gross. Well, Gollum seems to be doing pretty good. He's gross. I mean, I know he's gross, but he's living there. But he murdered a guy. Yeah, but he's living there. He's a threat. Yeah, but he's living there. And I can't kill myself? No, you've used up your two kill yourselves. Ted, could you kill me?
No, I don't think that violence... A hobbit would never kill another hobbit. Wait, so we're hobbits now? You just assigned us hobbits? There were so many options. We're hobbits? It seemed appropriate. So we live in funny little trees or something? I don't know how this world works. No, we live in funny little hills, actually. Oh, we live in hills. Yeah, little tiny hills. Yeah, it seems fun. I mean, what about this is forcing you to... This looks fun. Yeah, we live in hills, dude.
Looks peaceful, dare I say. What about this is forcing you to become part of the politics? It's always politics. Yeah. If anything, I feel like I could live here my whole life and not really run into any problems. Didn't Gandalf show up to this guy's house and was like, come with me. Leave this specific area. That is what he did. Yeah. So there are the five races. They're pretty neutral.
They are pretty neutral. They just want to be left alone, eat, drink, and smoke pipe weed. I can do that. Dude, yeah. We're thriving.
easy driving absolutely we're not like the whole thing with the you know lord of the rings is a whole odyssey we don't need to go on the odyssey we just hang out at home smoke there you go yeah okay smoke the pipe smoke the pipe hang out in the little house easy wiggle our hairy toes easy jerk off a little bit into each other's mouths easy yikes talk to you be part of that ring
Oh, I'd be playing soggy biscuit. Yeah. I'd be a hobbit. I'd be gardening. We'd be playing soggy biscuit after the gardening. We'd be playing soggy, soggy asparagus. Whenever the fuck pops out of that fucking dirt outside your house. Yeah. Hey guys, circle up. Um,
What's the next one you got, Tucker? What do you want me to give me Halo? Yeah, why don't you tell us about Halo? Dude, I'm not living in it. If you're making me a normal guy, everyone, when they think about Halo, they're like, I'm not going to be a Spartan. Everyone thinks that. They're all going to be like, well, I would get through the program. No one will. Let's say you're a draft age man on Earth. I am currently, and I would not be at the top of my class, and I won't be there. Dude.
A draft age man? On Earth. On the home world. You know, I could get, you know, I see new Mombasa's getting attacked. You know, it might just ignite some sort of freedom-loving...
sort of human nature in me that would cause me to i don't think it's just a free upgrade through the ranks you know it's about it's about humanity itself and there's sort of like you know in the halo series there's sort of this there's sort of because i'm i'm i'm in it there's sort of this deep sense of human manifest destiny that exists in that because it's like
Like the good old days. No, like the forerunners, like the humanity and the lore existed like 100,000 years ago, but then there was a war between the forerunners and humanity because humanity was running away from the flood at the same time they were fighting the forerunners that was across the galaxy. What are you talking about? Okay, so basically in Halo, the humans that find out that humanity has existed before and they got reset. Yeah, they got reset by the rings and stuff, but...
The precursors. Not everyone gets to be a Spartan. I'm probably going to have like an office job, right? I'm not going to qualify. You'll probably be like a Marine or something. I'm not done explaining this, though. Well, Tucker, you were a Marine and you never saw anything worthwhile in your entire life. Earth's not being invaded, though. Is it currently?
What? Well, like, is it in Halo? Everyone's got to do their part. Oh, yeah. In Halo it is. So you'd probably see combat as a Marine. Yeah, you would probably see combat. No, but you've got to understand, humanity is they have the mantle.
They have the mantle. What the fuck is the mantle? Because there was the precursors. The precursors. And they were fighting the forerunners, but they turned themselves to dust. And then the dust got corrupted and became the flood, dude. I'd like a forerunner. There's this whole thing in the series where it's like, you've got all these built-in little things into their DNA where it's like, they're the chosen ones. Basically, in the Halo series. It's very like...
It's very like Manifest Destiny for Humans over all alien races, which is kind of funny. So maybe you hit 30. I think maybe 30 or or. But, you know, later on in the Spartan program, they don't need orphans anymore and they're not dying as much. It's much easier, you know, round in the Mark five program or whatever. The Spartans, you know, and if you're in the military for a while, you could become a Spartan.
So maybe I'm going to thrive as a Spartan and be jumping around. You're going to thrive? I don't think you'd thrive. I don't think you'd thrive. I think you'd probably die at some point. No, I think I'm going to... But you'd last a couple years. You'd last a couple years, dude. Even as a Spartan, you're likely to die, I think. Spartans never die. They're just missing in action. I think that...
You're like a J-Rotsy kid. I would thrive as a Spartan. You're going to see me. It's going to be like that opening sequence to Halo 5 where I'm going to be jumping out of a pelican or whatever. I'm going to be jumping down the hill. There's a jackal over there.
Elbow to the fucking jaw. Rip his jaw off with my robot hand. I didn't know you had this enthusiasm for the Halo world. There's a fucking... This is his biggest lore world. Oh, look at that. It's a fucking elite. I take his little tendril mouth, rip it open with my fucking Spartan arms. I don't care if they're tall. I don't care if they're that tall.
Everybody says, oh, you better watch out for the elites because they're tall. I don't care about that. You're tall. You're tall. I am. But elites are like, they're like seven feet tall. But you look at me as a Spartan, I'm going to be like, I don't care. That's what I'm going to say. People are going to say, are you scared of how tall the elites are? I'm not. Is it like the Halo show where you get to see Master Chief's hot ass? I'm not lasting in that. Give me three pumps and I'm done. We don't talk about the Halo show.
What? We don't talk about the Halo show, okay? We don't talk about the Halo show. Okay, let's talk. Maybe you hit 30. Maybe you hit 30. Oh, dude, I'm going to be a four-year-old Spartan just throwing uppercuts around, baby. No, you're not going to be thriving in there. I don't know. Oh, I'm getting it. You don't understand. If I knew that I could, like, Spartan, Ted, Spartan, Ted116. You sound drunk now. I'm drunk with fantasy.
That's going to be my name. I'm going to be Ted116. That's going to be me. Wow, that's a good one. That's January 16th. Yeah, it's my birthday. Yeah, but that's also one less than Master Chief. That's really cool. Yeah, because I could never cross what he's done for the humanity. I could never. Humanity is basically just like a caricature of America too at this point. Oh, okay.
In the Halo world, the UNSC is literally just America. It's just like the Marine Corps. It's like the Marine Corps became the rest of the world. I'm pretty sure that when the Covenant attacked or something about the colonies or something happened where it was just America took over. America won something. America won and then made a capital in the middle of Africa. And they just owned... Vietnam was probably a colony of...
You know, we probably won Vietnam. That's probably what happened in that universe. Oh, that's the alternate timeline? Yeah, we probably won Vietnam and became a state, you know? Like in Watchmen. Okay, what about Shrek? Well, I'm not done. Oh. So, you put me against the Forerunners or the Flood, really. I'm going to take all that out. I feel like I'd be friends with Master Chief. Run, run!
Yeah, no, I think I'd become a Spartan. I'd become a Spartan. I think I stressed him out with all that war. Oh, yeah. No, he never. Well, he's never heard any of this. Okay, what if we join the UNSC? We do the buddy program. We both become Spartans and we're. We die and reach together.
No, dude. I want to go past. We got to go past Reach. That was such an honorable fight, though. I know, but Reach was like when we were on. We'd never forget Reach, but remember, Reach was when we were on the back foot. We didn't know how to deal with the Covenant yet. Reach was like 9-11. More slaying bodies, yeah. Reach was essentially 9-11. Oh, yeah. And after that, we're like, it's offense time. They got to Earth.
I'm back. I've got my responsible way to open my beer with the Skeletool. The Skeletool. I don't know if that's a carabiner what you're using. No, it's a bottle. There's even a little imprint of a bottle opener. Oh, okay. Boom. Skeletool rocks, dude. Best thing ever. Yeah, so... Makes my life so good. That's how I feel.
Okay, what's next? Is that Shrek? We gotta hustle, by the way. We gotta hustle. Shrek's a world with creatures, undefined magic, dirty swamps, curses, dragons, sentient animals, and Prince Charming. Would I be a human or would I be Shrek? You would be an average creature in Shrek's terms. Well, you realize an average creature in Shrek is like one of the... Let's say Shlat's one of the three little blind mice and Ted is...
A prince. But not Prince Charming. Nobody dies in Shrek. That was so biased. That handout was biased. You made Shlata a little blind mice and you made me a prince? Okay, but we don't even know your name. Everybody loves the three little blind mice.
Think about that. They're like pretty funny in that movie. This is the first time I'm hearing about the three blind mice in years. Since you saw Shrek. In years, yeah. Oh, they're hilarious. Have you heard their song?
You don't even know about their fucking song. I actually just watched this movie. You don't even know what their song is. How long are you surviving? I'm thriving, man. I'm just kind of stressed out that Tucker doesn't know the Three Blind Mice song. That kind of bothers me a little bit. What? I'm just having a good time.
You're drunk, man. You're drunk right now, and you get a little weird when you're drunk. I can tell. It's getting weird in here, okay? There's a kid's movie. I'm the only one not drinking alcohol right now. It's a fucking children's movie, Ted. Theodore. No one's dying in this fucking thing. Except for me, because I'm killing myself. You're using your kill yourself? I'm going to kill myself in Shrek. You didn't get an allotted kill yourself.
Well, if he gets in a lot, if we're giving him a lot. No, no, I get the same amount that Schlatt gets. He gets two. No, we never talked about that. If we're giving you an allotment, I get one more. I can't. Because that's not fair. You need to give me one more kill myself. He gets his way before. That's not. I like it. It's like, oh, okay. Well, then in that case, I'm going to give you one more.
I will not do that because I will not stand. I cannot give you out anymore. It's funny how you guys know that you won't die immediately, so you choose to kill yourself. Yeah.
Well, I'd rather live in this world than fucking Shrek. Think about it this way. We probably hit 30. I'll probably hit 30. And then we probably succumb to the bends or tuberculosis or something. The Black Plague, probably, honestly. Black Plague, yeah. These are all German fairy tales that this is based after. There's got to be some sort of really fucked up thing that's going to happen to us. Oh, dude. Dude, what if I spawned as Hansel and Gretel?
That'd be a problem. What if you were both Hansel and Gretel? Dude, what if I was them both at the same time? That would be fucked up. No, but I wouldn't want to be Hansel and Gretel because then I might get eaten by a freaking lady. The witch. 30. 30. Yeah, 30. 30 years. Not like 30. Can I just... I'll get something out of the way real quick. Witcher Wild Hunt 3? Dead immediately. There's no way that I'm living in that world. Have you played The Witcher 3?
No, of course not. Well, it's bad out there, dude. Everyone's living in a mud hut. They're all ugly. Every NPC I've ever met in that game is ugly as shit. I don't want to be ugly. I don't want to be hot. I don't want to be ugly either. I want to be hot, okay? There isn't a hot guy in that game except for Geralt. That's why I moved from Texas. Every bitch there is ugly as fuck. Jesus. Ugliest bitches ever. That's crazy.
Yeah, no. And also, it's like every, there's so many creatures that are a problem. Like, that world is so miserable in The Witcher. Like, The Witchers are literal exterminators for society. It looks cold, dude. Oh, it's cold. It looks cold. You're right. Yeah. What?
Well, I like the cold. The cold, I don't mind the cold. I like bundling up. You get to layer, dude. Honestly, now that I think about it, witchers are kind of like the Spartans of the witcher world because they're both...
Taken as children they're trained when they're young and they all and they both have to go through this initiation process where they might die or like half of them died because in the halo world the augmentation process killed a bunch of the orphans that they kidnapped and in the Witcher universe the Poison or whatever they do to make the final transformation that give them the cat eyes a lot of like it's like two out of or eight out of ten of them kids died to that Wow, there's got similar
But yeah, no, I'm dead immediately in that world. It's too windy too. If anything, I'll die from the wind. Yeah, it's windy. What about Star Wars, guys?
I feel like if I was like a little bug creature that was going like, and I was like selling stuff on like Tatooine, I'd probably hit 30, you know? You probably would hit 30. Again, you'd probably die to some political thing going on. But I think you'd be fine for a while. They do have space Nazis in that world, so. Let me be like a bartender or something. I'm going to hang out at one of those taverns. You ever look up like Star Wars tavern ambiance on YouTube?
That actually sounds pretty good. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I'd be like a bartender that's like the bottom half of my body is like all robot at that point somehow. I just like kind of slide around and I've got like kind of like a mosquito mouth. Like you don't really know how I talk or eat. That was funny.
We calling it 30? Yeah. I'm going to thrive as a weird little mosquito bartender and it's going to be good. That's a gold star joke, Ted. Oh, you give me a gold star? What? For that mosquito joke. That was good. That was creative. Oh, come on, dude. I didn't even laugh. Oh.
You're not beating ground beef from last week and you know it. And you know it. Yeah, no, that's true. You're not beating that. And I only got a bronze for that? Or a silver? I didn't get a gold for ground beef? Listen, you gotta understand. I'll give you the gold when you deserve it. And you know when you deserve it. I can't be here, you know...
You make every joke you make and you're like, I want to go and start. Like, we can't do this. I just don't understand why that one got the gold. I'll give you a silver. I don't understand why that one got the gold. How about this? I'll give you a silver to maybe heal your finger a little bit faster. I don't want your, no, I don't want your pity silver. Can we get a silver sliding in and it's just like a little picture of a finger on top of it, Emma, real quick? Fine. I begrudgingly accept. Yeah, you get the finger silver, a little sliver of silver finger.
Yeah. Let's talk about Planet of the Apes. So Schlatt would join the ape tribe and thrive. Dude, I'd be fucking killing it there. They'd accept me as one of their own immediately. Are we an ape or are we human? Well, Schlatt can be an ape because he has that thing.
No, he'd be a human, but he would offer the monkey statue as a religious idol. Oh, yeah. Dude, I'd be fine there. They'd be like, oh, that's the guy with the statue. Yeah, they'd take care of you. The monkeys in the Planet of the Apes, the monkeys, they would blow their mind if they found the big one. If they saw it and they were like,
Who made this? They don't have technology like that. But here's the thing. Here's a wrinkle for you, Shalott, that you're going to have to grapple with is that the whole thing with the modern planet of the apes thing is that it was a virus that was killing everyone. Big COVID. Huge COVID. Like worse than COVID. Long COVID.
And slow COVID. Long, slow in killing COVID. Look, I didn't get COVID until a year after that whole thing started. I think I'd be fine. I'd have long enough to get in with the apes because they don't carry that disease, do they? No. Well, they do. I think that's the whole thing, but it makes them smart. Oh, okay. Okay. But they take care of me, you know? I don't know if they know how...
I think that they know how. Yes, they do. I think that makes them smart, dude. We just would have to hope that we would be immune. Are we assuming we're immune, Tucker, from the virus? No, no. Okay, I might die immediately or maybe I'd last a couple of months. I offer them the statue. I'm fine. I'm fine. Okay, so maybe we put it in the middle then. So you're going to thrive?
And I feel like I'm dead immediately. So that's so I'll hit 30 though. Cause maybe I'll, I'll just like hang out with Schlatt and he'll be like, this is my buddy. He's good. Like he's getting me into a club. I could get you in. Yeah. I could give me into the events. Can you? Yeah. Okay. So you can rub, rub elbows with Caesar, you know, doesn't slide off the big one and a little one. Of course I got many. I had the tabletop one.
And, you know, that gets him in the door. But it doesn't get him the title, the status. Yeah, it doesn't get me, like, yeah, the power and the thing. Yeah, I got that. Yeah, yeah. No, that'll work. That'll work. Okay, I like that. Narnia, I'm killing myself. Just kidding. You kidding? Narnia's, like, so fucking old, dude. They need to reboot that shit. Narnia's arguably the funniest one to kill myself to. I feel like...
I feel like that one's like... What is Narnia all about? That one's like, "I'm a little child and I have a closet full of wonder inside? I'm gonna fuckin' off myself." Well, there's a witch in there who's kinda rude. Oh, but she's not killing anybody. Yeah, well, there's also a lion and a wardrobe, too. The lion is God, though. Lion's God. Is he God? The God's not gonna kill. Yeah, I think he's the God of their nation. Oh, they're a nation now. Well, there's like a war going on. Oh.
You're not going to get wrapped up in that. You're just a kid with the wardrobe or the closet or something. I'll tell you one thing. When I saw those movies, there was this one kid that was bribed with this candy called Turkish Delight. And I remember seeing it when I was a kid and I was like, this seems like a reasonable deal. And now I'm an adult and I tasted it.
A Turkish delight once and I was like, I just kind of fucking sucks. You have a wardrobe? You can't, you can access Turkish delights in places other than a wardrobe. Wait, wait, so they went through the wardrobe to the other world and they had like earthly candy. They're like, hey, here's a Reese's.
I think it was maybe the witch. This lion's like, yo, what's up? Welcome to the world. Hey, you want a Reese's? The witch might have invented it, and she needs to distribute it. She's got all the distributors on hand. Yeah, I think the witch has distributors and has outside...
I think she knows what's up. - I mean, you're living in this. You're living in this. - Yeah, I don't really know what they run into though, 'cause I feel like a lot of the stuff happens and the kids are just along for the ride. - Yeah, but they lived. - They did live, and they hit 30 at least. - They hit 30. - So we'll probably hit 30.
Yeah. Narnia is such a weird choice. I haven't heard of it. You might as well put Bridge to Terabithia in here, too. Oh, that's a good one. Dude, I'm saying they need to reboot this for a new audience. It's too religious. That IP is just been sitting. No, Narnia. I was going to be like, damn, we want to see another scene where that girl drowns in a fucking river. Okay, final two. Pick one. Mad Max.
Dude, a week. Never seen it. Oh, it's miserable there, dude. It's miserable. That's where everyone mods their cars out, though, you know? But it's in Australia. It's like 29 palms with no rules. Listen, I have a 1991 Mazda Miata. That car has a wide, very large modding community. I could attach any...
combination of doohickeys to it to help me in whatever I need and as fast as fuck. I mean, it's probably one of the fastest cars out there. I think that actually if we get our car, then I think I'm going to do pretty good because my Toyota Tacoma is basically already a Mad Max car. It's true. Falling apart. It's true. It makes the sound of a Mad Max car. It's four wheel drive. Like it's got everything I need.
And I could put like a 50 Cal on the back of it. ISIS already does that. Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They ship them to ISIS. They sell them to ISIS. They get turned into technicals immediately. Yeah. Look, I mean, I could go that route with the Miata because there's so much I could do with that thing. And it would be just a killing machine on wheels. And it'd be faster than anything else on the road. But what I'd probably do, I'd probably take my other car. Ooh.
the Mercedes Benz S580. So you have access to your whole garage here. Oh yeah. My whole garage is there. And I got, I, I, I'd have like some kind of Uber set up where I just taxi people around and I'm like the, I'm like, Hey, I don't get involved. You guys, I just, I just do. I'm a little chauffeur, you know? Okay. You know, I'm a, I'm like an NPC in this world who's got a really nice car and people call me when they need a ride. Fair enough. Maybe their ride breaks down. I like that. I feel like I would, that would, uh, that would,
I feel like I would last until a couple months, though, still at the end of the day. I don't think anyone's hitting 30 in the Mad Max world. No, I don't think so. And even if I was doing good for a couple months, I'd still die in the crossfire or something. And then some guy would be like, oh, shit.
I'm gonna kill you. You killed Schlatt. He was the best chauffeur ever. I don't, I've never watched this series. And he goes, covers his mouth in spray paint and then he goes, wait, then it's me. And then he jumps off with the fucking things and he blows you up. Is that what happens? Uh, yes, it does. Actually, there's like a whole thing about Valhalla and these little war boys that are like, uh,
boys that are going to die from cancer or something. So they're trained to be just fodder for the Citadel. Fun, fun. Slat is a good show for... I had a Mad Max phase very recently.
Dude, I'm telling you, Tucker. In another world, I'm just a driver. I don't care what kind of driver it is. It could be a trucker. It could be a white glove service where I'm transporting around celebrities in my limo. I don't care. Just let me drive. Give me the road. You should do a celebrity pickup service from the airport and just drive them to their mansion in a nice car. Yeah. Shalette, you're also very similar to...
That one guy from Jaws. Have you seen this? I've seen the guy from Jaws, yeah. Well, I thought about getting you this sticker, but then I didn't end up doing it because I tried to offer you something else and you turned me down. Okay, so Fallout is up next. Look at this. Yeah, no, I hear I do look like him. You should have put that on the back of the Miata. I feel like that's something that you would say.
Here's to swimming with bow-legged women. That's something that would come out of your mouth. It's totally natural. I'll drink to that. Yeah, he gets, dude, his face gets posted to my subreddit like every day. I see him pop up so much. They're like, is this Schlatt? There's not too many popular culture mutton chops in the modern zeitgeist. Yeah, it's true. All right, so the final one, Tucker, is Fallout. Oh, dude.
Dude, are we assuming we lived through the bomb? Yeah. Or are we just one of the people right before that whole thing starts? Let's say you take place during the games or the show. So you're hundreds of years later and you're... Oh, so we did survive the bombs. Well, the bombs happen and then many generations pass before... Are we out in the wasteland? Like, where do we live? Give us a spot. Let's say you start in the vault, but then you become an angsty teen and you venture out. Oh, okay.
Well, then I'm doing pretty good. I mean, if I started off as like somebody who was like born from a precarious birth in the wasteland, I feel like my chances would be about a week. Yeah. But think about it. That's like you're, you know, born in the suburbs and then you're set off.
in New York City, you know? You don't have the skills. Dude, if I walk out there onto the wasteland after living in the vault for a while, I'm going to get my Pip-Boy out, I'm going to turn to full volume, and I'm putting on Butcher Pete. Does it make noise? Oh, it has the radio. Hey, everybody, have you heard the news about a guy named Butcher Pete? He's hacking and slashing and hacking. And that's me. Turn this record over. You ain't heard nothing yet.
I'm going to be going around going like that. Just slicing people up and hacking and smacking, dude. Fucking butcher Pete. Chomping on my cellmate. Oh yeah. You could go crazy. I'm going to be doing that. I'm going to be drinking Nuka colas and I'm going to try to figure out the toothbrushing situation.
Wait, what does that I think that there's a very clear? Toothbrushing situation that needs to be solved in the fall universe. I'm gonna be the guy I'm gonna kill people I don't know if I got the toothbrush in situation. Well like inventing like like manufacturing toothbrush Well, if everyone's drinking like Nuka colas all the time everyone's doing it It's gonna be eroding your teeth a little bit. I got you about the radiation radiation
I feel like that's not the least of our worries when everyone's drinking carbonated drinks. Well, the drinks are irradiated, too.
And so is like the whole world. Well, okay. All the more. Why are you like attacking me right now? Like all the more reason for getting a toothbrush. Tucker, you should be brushing. I don't think you should be brushing those teeth. I don't think you can brush off cancer. Yeah, no. I know a lot of people who weren't able to do that. I mean, you can.
You can. You can brush it off. Steve Jobs tried to. Too soon. Yeah, too soon for him. He's like, directly? Okay, not too soon. That's like directly in between now and 9-11. That's like far. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, wasn't it like 2011 he died? 2012, I think. If he was around, would Apple be making cool stuff again?
Apple has done better under Tim Cook than Steve Jobs. No, not financially. That dude is doing great, too. Like a cool new product. I think there'd be different. I don't think we'd have the Apple Watch. I think in the world of smartphones, there's been sort of like a plateau. Well, yeah. Any sort of innovative thing plateaus like that until the next thing comes along. It's like what's happening right now with AI. Everything's developing really, really quick, and then it's going to plateau at a certain point.
Yeah. And I can't wait until it does. So if people shut the fuck up on Twitter about it. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. We just need a new technology that people are actually into and one that actually makes sense. Not all these, you know, bullshit ones. Yeah. Yeah. That was smartphones for a while, but we figured that out. I mean, like, how much better can those things get? They do what we need them to do. I don't need my phone to have more RAM.
What are we doing with this Fallout thing, though? Where are we living? I'm living underground. I'm not going outside, probably. If I was born in the vault, I'm probably staying there. Oh, okay. Just make content in the basement. Yeah, of course. We got internet? Yeah. We got games? Yeah. Oh, yeah, fine. I'm fine. There's probably unlimited games by that point.
Yeah, dude. Nice. Nice. All right. I think I'll hit 30 in the Fallout universe. We probably will hit 30. Yeah, we're hitting 30, dude. So more or less, you guys are hitting 30 in every precarious world on average. Because if you put in any precarious world, you're generally going to play it safe. I think at some point you'll fall victim to something. But in general, you're trying your best to survive. In most of these places, you could do it safely.
given whatever hand you've got is like the average hand, you know? I'd say most shocking here is that you guys are only lasting one semester in Harry Potter. I said I would be thriving, bro. That's Ted. That's Ted right there. Dude, I'm gonna get killed by a goblin. Or a troll. Troll! In the dungeon! You can't trust those gobbies. You can't trust them. Just thought I should know. Ted's smoking weed in the Forbidden Forest. Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha!
And then some fucking Death Eater. Death Eaters are a big pro- I won't get started on it. The fuck is a Death Eater? But I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, in Halo, in Halo, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna- That's gonna be me. I'm gonna be Ted116. My armor's probably gonna be blue or orange. And it's gonna have, like, all the bells and whistles. Recon armor, dude. That's what I'm gonna be in. The fuck, dude? What? What?
You seem like you're sick of me talking about Halo. What's that about? No, keep going. No, I'm not sick of it. No, I don't think you deserve it anymore. No, tell me about your outfit. Your outfit. Well, I've got heat sensors. What about your power-ups? My power-ups, dude? Drop shield. That's a good question, actually. What's your service weapon? Oh.
Sniper dude. I'm the sniper. What? Okay. Yeah, I'm the recon. I'm the sniper. Or... You give off battle rifle vibes. Yeah, well, it's the sniper and active camo. Ooh. Yeah, so I'm sneaking around. You are literally 12 years old. I don't know what you're talking about, Tucker. I'm going to be a recon sniper in Spartan. I'm going to be part of the recon team. And you're going to have the battle pass.
He does. He probably still subscribed to the Halo Infinite one. Yeah, one could say. It's going to be Ted116 and Keen126. Wow, that's Ted116. We're saved. I'm going to be walking around. I'm going to have those boots. Oh, it's going to be great, guys. I just got to figure out how to live until...
500 years from now well no you only have to survive like till you're 30. well i can't do the whole thing where i become a spartan unless i'm living there and that's 500 years from now so i'm kind of pissed off about that hey man thanks for joining sorry oh we aren't we're done right yeah we're done i don't know we're done hey guys man thanks so much for being here
I don't know what was up with me today. I haven't drank a drop of alcohol. Maybe it's been going into your liver and not mine. Maybe we're connected in a way you wouldn't even begin to comprehend.