We Became Ghost Hunters
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Hey guys, welcome back to the Chuckle Sandwich, this absolute mess of a show, disaster of a show, and for some reason, we keep coming back. Cheers, man. We had a couple talks backstage, and we decided...

We decided some things have got to change around here. Podcast isn't working, okay? No. It's not working out. And it's Ted's fault. We've got to talk about some of the real stuff going on behind the scenes. Things even more sinister than Ted himself. Mm-hmm.

Even more sinister than the bat that I swing with over 300 pounds of force. Even more sinister than bats, the animal, and their little gnashy teeth and their tiny little dark bastard claws. Seems a little suspicious that they use sonar. What are they, a submarine? Give me a break. Charlie, you were saying? A little suspicious, and I'm sending out a ping right now, guys. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

I didn't like that. You just told me my mom was evil. That's a little rude. Enough of that sonar. I'm picking up my surroundings. I'm sensing the vibe.

And the vibe is we got to talk about the elephant in the room, guys. The elephant in the room. We've decided that we are no longer a comedy podcast. All right, Spotify? No, we're done. Get your, you know, get your shit in check. Take us off the leaderboard. The only joke here is the wall pulled over your eyes, folks. Exactly.

We are now a paranormal podcast and Ted Charlie Schlatt, those aren't our names anymore. Sorry to say. Let me introduce myself before the other boys introduce themselves. I'm a ghost hunter. I've been in the business for about 30 years.

My name's fucking Bill. First name fucking, last name Bill. Okay? Fucking Bill. You know why they call me fucking Bill? Having a lot of ghost sex lately, like always? Well, it's funny you say that, because the reason why they call me fucking Bill is because whenever I defeat a ghost, you know, the rest is history. That's real messed up, Bill. So you're a necrophiliac, is what you're into. No, no, no. You're into fucking the...

Dead people. No, no, no, no. The ghosts of dead people. Oh, no, no. Unlike you. What's your name again? Unlike me. Hey, everybody. My name is Lance Nutthrust. And Lance, for real fuck-ups like fucking... Yeah, like fucking Bill. Why are you called that? Why are you called that? Well, listen, my name's Lance Nutthrust because, you know, I'm a ghost hunter, quite like my affiliate fucking Bill. Uh-huh.

And I also like to get down and dirty. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you going to do? Shames me before it bits. You see some paranormal pussy, I can't say no. Six feet down and dirty. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They call me Chuck Ectosickle, and I don't fuck ghosts. Why? Why?

You're missing out, buddy. I'll tell you that much. It's never once crossed my mind. It's never even once crossed my mind. I don't know about you guys, okay? Just imagine digging into a beautiful pink ghostly pussy, Chuck. Just imagine the... I feel like you shouldn't keep going with that.

The beautiful opaqueness of it all. Let's talk about why we decided to become a paranormal podcast, right? We uploaded two podcasts, the one with Gus Johnson. We had a lot of fun doing that, right? And then the one after that. But no one watched them. No one watched them. No one watched them. No one watched our podcasts anymore. So we decided we have to take matters into our own hands and talk about something that we're really passionate about.

And also reveal our real names, because I am actually named Lance, not the rest. And I, too, am also actually named fucking Bill. Those names are absolutely insane, guys. I suggest you shut your mouth, Chuck Echocicle. I had to change my name to Chuck Echocicle. You changed it? Yeah. You changed it. Okay. Because I can't go around calling myself Ghost Fuck Sex, all right?

Well, look, if you had the same ideals as me and Chuck and me and Bill, me and Bill, me and fucking Bill. And trust me when I say they are ideals. Oh, they're ideals. They're ideals. Just digging straight into the fucking colloquian tubes of a nice fucking Halloween pretty pink. What the fuck?

My grandfather, Goblin Fucksex, passed down this terrible family name, and I'm sick of it. Your previous last name was Fucksex? My real name was Ghost Fucksex. My father was Ghoul Fucksex. And my grandfather was Goblin...

You're a ghost hunter? Your first name was Ghost? My grandfather's name was Goblin Fucksex. It runs in the family. It runs in the family. It runs in the family. Yeah. And you know what always runs in the family? Dying. So today we're going to talk about some of the most serious ghost encounters we've had in our careers. Very true, Chuck. You know, all of us...

Us ghost hunters, we've been in the business for a while. Chuck, I've heard you've been in the business for at least 25 years. Is that true? That's right. Even before I was out of the womb, I was tangoing with them in the spirit realm. And Lance, I heard that your father, you know, he sent you to ghost school when you were a kid. Yeah, he thrust me into boarding school. Yeah. And let me tell you, I mean, that was rough. You used that verb very liberally. Yeah.

Well, I mean, listen, sometimes you gotta, all right? And sometimes you gotta go to boarding school and realize what it's like. The thrust is a must. Exactly. That's actually our family motto.

The thrust is a must. It's funny you say that. The thrust is a must or else it's a bust. That's good. I like that. What was the most valuable thing that you learned? My family motto is fuck sex. You know, I didn't come from necessarily as much of a wealthy ghost hunting family as you, Lance. So, I mean, I never got the chance to go to this ghost boarding school. I mean, what did you learn there? I mean.

I learned a lot of things. Oh, yeah. Fucking Bill. All right. And you know what? You know what? Maybe maybe maybe, you know, I'm not at liberty to talk about some of these things because we keep them locked behind the wealth of our family and millions of dollars plunged into. And I mean, holy shit, we plunged money into that school.

Right? I mean, they named an entire building after us because of all the contributions we've made. Oh, right. The Nutthrust Research Institute. Right. Right. Nutthrust Hall is actually what we call it. We call it Nutthrust Hall.

It's been a long career. Can you give him a break? It's been a long career. Give me a break. That wasn't cool. That was a little out of pocket Chuck. Something's afoot here. What are you talking about? I don't want to say we've got a ghost among us. Don't say that. Don't say those two words. Be very careful with your next sentence Chuck. The comment section will be

absurd. But Lance is being a little... Now listen, Chuck. I understand your trepidation behind accepting Mr. Nutthrust into this allegiance of quality ghost hunters, but...

The nut thrust family. Mr. Nut Thrust. Yes. The biggest ghost you've ever hunted. Six and a half inches with a circumference of at least four. Is this full ghost size or just the size of the ghosts?

genitals, Mr. Not-Thrust. That's all I... Listen, there are very few things that matter when you're talking about ghost hunts. Yeah, it's true. I mean, all I really care about is what they got going on downstairs. So, you know, that's what I talk in. That's how I base my entire reality.

Okay, so forgive me, forgive me, if I seem to fixate on that kind of stuff. This is a cruel, cruel joke that God is playing on me. I did not come here to fuck ghosts, boys. This is a meeting of the minds. I agree, Chuck. We do need to get back on track here to talk about, you know, for our listeners out there, our ghost listeners, love you to ghost.

We gotta talk about, you know, our experience as ghost hunters in our long career. We've had a long career, very, very, uh... We're very... Long. Long career. Blessed. Years. It's... Fuck. I mean, holy shit. Indeed. A thick, thick career. I saw the eyes of the goat gobbler.

Our accolades go on for a long time. I mean, they, they, you, you start talking about all the things I've accomplished. You won't finish for, for a long time, you know?

Indeed. I got spooned by the spectral spooner. So, Chuck, I was wondering if we could start with you. I mean, you know, we've all in this ghost business, we get our one big bust. We get that first ghost. Don't call it that. Don't call it that in a room full of people that have ghost sex. Don't call it your one big bust. Tell me more about that. We get our one big hit.

Bill's big bust. That's what I call it. When we're thrust into the ghost hunting business, when we throw ourselves into this sort of...

Fantastic. When we come all over haunted places. When we come to where the ghosts are, we get things done. And I'm wondering, Chuck, what was sort of your first ghost hunting time? I mean, tell us about that big hit, that big thrust that made you addicted to the craft. Come on, Chuck. You really want to know? Come on, Chuck. Come on. Don't be a fucking asshole, Chuck. Come on.

Chuck, you son of a bitch. Come on, Chuck, you motherfucker. Come on. You really, really, really want to know. Chuck, I'm not going to ask you another time, man. I'm waiting here, all right? The audience, they got to know, Chuck. Come on, fuck. Listen, Bill. Listen, Bill. Chuck is obviously thinking about a very, very important story, damn it. So you open your mouth one more time and I'll thrust my big old cock in it, all right? Oh, man, but Bill fucking is going to turn that thing around and twist it into a pretzel. What are you talking about, Bill? Who knows, man?

Chuck? Who does know what the fuck that was about? First ghost I ever dealt with. First ghost I ever dealt with. The spoon feeder. The spoon feeder. Oh, I've heard tale. I've heard tale of the spoon feeder. Oh, I've heard all about that. I was just a child. My mother would say to me, close your eyes, little Chuck, and I did. And when I did, he came. I felt a light sensation of a spoon coming.

floating into my mouth, feeding me something, but there was nothing there. I opened my eyes again, and it was my mother standing there, like the ghost was never even there. Whoa. Oh my goodness. Your mom was the ghost all along. What the hell are you saying? What? I thought that was... Who are you? No. No, no, no, no, no. Every time I closed my eyes, I felt that spoon. I couldn't see anything.

It was completely dark. Completely dark, but I still felt it. And I opened my eyes. But all I saw there was my mom. It always managed to get away. It always managed to get away from me. Oh, I see. The classic mom switcheroo. That's the oldest ghost trick in the book. Yeah, ghosts do that. They do that. They do that. Well, hey, I mean...

If you would, let Lance tell you a bit about a ghost's eye. My doctor was possessed. My doctor was abducted by ghosts. What are you talking about? That has nothing to do- He said to me, I told him of the spoon feeder. He said to me, Chuck, you don't have object permanence. I said, doctor!

What do you mean? What is object permanence? He took his hands. Doctor, you were not here a moment ago, and now you're here. He moved his hands toward his face, and then he was immediately abducted by ghosts! How? Where did he go? And that's why you became a ghost hunter. That's when I knew. I'm raising my glass to you right now. You can't see it, but I'm raising my glass. Thank you. Thank you.

When did you know? Well, I'll tell you when I knew. I'll tell you when I knew. Chuck, it was... I mean, it was honestly... It was two weeks ago. It was two weeks ago when I became a ghost hunter. You went through all the ghost boarding school? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. The boarding school is actually...

Pretty quick onboarding, you know? You know, it's just... Oh, you were just there. Honestly, they've scaled back. They've scaled it back. Must be a very short board. They've scaled it back because of the pandemic. And now it's just a series of online questionnaires. And then you get a little piece of paper you can print out on, you know, your HP inkjet. There you go. 4550. Then you're set. Lance, I think you just did a must-read. But hey, Lance is talking, all right? Lance is talking. And he speaks in third person. Hey! Let me tell you about the...

I mean, this is a real killer. This is a real killer. Let me tell you about- Thrust it on me. Stop! Stop! Let me fucking finish the goddamn sentence! Thrust it all over me. Let me tell you about the eyelid licker. The eyelid licker. You know? I've heard pale. Oh, I'm sure you've heard a tale of the eyelid.

Who hasn't? The eyelid licker. Oh, man. Holy shit. I mean, you'd think you're in a Tyler, the Creator song featuring Kelly Uchis or whoever the fuck that is. Because whenever you close your eyes, that's when the eyelid licker comes out. And he shows you everything you've ever wanted. But only when you're closing your eyes. You see, the eyelid licker comes up with images, flashing images. It shines exactly what you want to see. But when you open your eyes, it's not there anymore.

You see, the Isle of Liquor, for me, two weeks ago, I knew I was in the presence of one when I blinked and then... Oh, it's a species. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You didn't know? I knew I was in the presence of an Isle of Liquor. Are you sure you weren't just crying? When I was just doing work. I was just doing work on my computer. And I closed my eyes for a second to focus in real hard on my work. And all of a sudden, I see Twitch.television just chatting section and...

Oh my god, Amaranth. There was a girl in a hot tub. Kai, what happened next? And she was just there and she was writing subscribers on her arms. And she was trying on lingerie in the hot tub. There is a lot of unnatural activity happening here. And I closed my eyes and there she was and I opened it and it was gone.

A terrifying sight. It was just my Google Doc. It was my Google Doc. Explain that! Explain that! Explain how the Isle of Liquor- Science can't! Science can't! Science can't! And that's why we're in the business. Science never will! You see, the bad thing about the Isle of Liquor is that it gives you exactly what you want, but just for that split second. And what I did that night, fellas, I'm not proud of. But I took my hundred thieves branded...

flashlight and I put three Energizer batteries that came included with the flashlight in it. Yeah. And I turned it on. That's so convenient. And I said, I will see again. And I put it onto the strobe mode, which I... Oh, shit! We look straight in it! We

What? A live possession? Oh, shit. Fuck. I invoke your true name. Bill, begin the curse cipher. Uh. Okay, go ahead. Demon revealed to us your true intentions.

UGHH TICKLE MY BALLS AHHHHH UNIS ANIS UNIS ANIS UNIS ANIS SHOW ME WHAT YOU ARE LET GO OF LENCE! What was his last name again? Fuck, what is it? Nut Thrust. NUT! GO LENCE NUT THRUST! We have to thrust him out of his body. We have to thrust him out of his body, Bill. I'll cheer him on. LENCE. LENCE. LENCE. LENCE.

Lance! Alright! That didn't work! I'm gonna have to use the sword! Alright, you have a sword. The sword of Bahamur, the demon of fire! I think it's done. Are you sure? You don't have to use the sword. Put the sword away, Chuck. Put the sword away, Chuck, you maniac. Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good. You don't have to use it. If there's any spectral energies, I can cut through them. For our ghost listeners, love you to death. Chuck's got a sword.

See, there's one more thing about the window licker. The eyelid licker. We don't speak of the window licker! No, no, no, no, no. I just invoked it. I just fucking invoked it. And I'm not talking about the window licker you see on the seal of a bar. There's one thing about the eyelid licker is that if you defeat it,

It grants you your vision. And if you look, gentlemen, if you look on twitch.tv/justchatting,

Oh, I mean, the bounties on that site right now. Amaranth, Indy Fox, Cutie Cinderella, Hot Tub Streams, oh, the Nicole T. I've never heard these ghost names before, but if an exorcism is in order, so be it! These sound like the names of demon sirens. Exactly. That call out to men at sea and lead them astray. Men, we're going to need three EMF detectors.

Five pounds of butter. And a big, big pitchfork. Covered in the blood of a lamb. Raised on a farm. I was just thinking we could get... How do you get a lamb? Yeah, I don't think that's... You need an old lamb. You need a decrepit lamb. I don't think we can get one of those. Where do you even get a lamb? Where the fuck do you get a lamb from? Go to a fucking land farm.

Lamb farm? Yeah, lamb farm. A lamb mine. You know? Chuck, I didn't know you liked puns. So you've never been in a lamb mine. Let me tell you about my first experience with a ghost. You know, it was...

Must have been. Oh, yeah. Why is, why is, what's Lance doing right now? What's Lance? Oh, I'm just thinking about it. Lance, do you need an exorcism once more? No, no, I'm good. You need another. Had to be, must have, it must have been 25 years ago at least. Oh, 25 years. That's the perfect. What was your first encounter? What was your first encounter?

It's the perfect number. That's the quarter of a century. That number makes me want to curl up with a nice book and come. Um,

Listen, fellow hunters, I just put my headphones back on, and I heard some concerning shit. No. I think next guest episode, we need a priest. We do. We do. We're getting one. You guys can't keep fucking ghosts on here, okay? We can do whatever we want. We're ghost hunters.

But let me tell you about my first experience with a ghost. But if I'm gonna talk about this, I'm gonna need a drink. It was about 25 years ago. It was the biggest snowstorm that Maine has ever seen. I'm from Maine. I'm from Bar Harbor.

Sounds like the setup to a real story, guys. I was walking along Bar Harbor, the coast of Bar Harbor. It's cliffs all the way down Bar Harbor. Very, very dangerous. And I heard calling out into the night, seemingly hundreds of miles away, but at the same time right up inside my ear, one word. What's that?

Someone like stubbed their toe? Or something? I wonder, this is curious. I'm the only one who goes along these cliffs in Bar Harbor at 2:30 AM at the fucking morning, piss-ass drunk. Thank God you weren't going at 3 AM! No one else would be stupid enough to walk around along the cliffs fucking 15 shots in. Only fucking Bill.

Only fucking Bill of Bar Harbor, Maine. Only fucking fucking Bill. And I thought that was curious, so I started walking along. I was looking for the source of the sound. It seemed to come from every direction. It was fuck in every direction. And I heard it. I felt it calling out to me.

And then I came upon a big house. It was very tall. It was like 13 stories tall. Why'd you come on a house, Paul? Which seemed like it didn't make much sense because it was a colonial. It was a colonial house that was 13 stories tall. This is a real story. So I walk up to the house. I knock. I say, hello. Did anyone just yell fuck into the distance? I hear nothing. I go in.

and all of a sudden all around me is just gamers what gamers of every kind angry sad big small skinny hefty they were all around me and they were all in their gaming chairs but

I tried to touch one on the shoulder, but my hand passed through them. I said, "Well, what the fuck is going on? Why are there a bunch of opaque gamers sitting around here?" And then all in unison, they all just yell, "FUCK!" See, what I had run into on this day was...

The Angry Gamer Legion. It was a bunch of gamer ghosts that have all been stacked together and were sifting through time-space. Shifting through the ether net. And every single one of them, you know how they became ghosts, every single one of them

were playing a game of Battle Royale and got downed by their teammate and they said, I'm down, I'm down, get me up, I'm over here, quick, quick, you can go. And their teammate failed them and they all said fuck and then had a heart attack and died and that's how they became ghosts. And that's what led me into the ghost business was these gamers. Why? Because I had to fucking destroy them all. Okay. Let me tell you of one worse.

It gets worse. And I warn you listeners of this, wherever you are, don't listen to this with your lights off. Don't listen to this alone, because they will know. I was working in the lab late one night. What lab? When my eyes beheld an eerie sight.

for my monster from his slab. Stop right there. Stop right fucking there, Chuck. And suddenly, to my surprise, you're plagiarizing. You're just reciting the monster mesh. You're literally just reciting the monster mesh. No, stop! My god! Dude!

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think you're bullshitting. No, no, no. I think you're bullshitting. Go figure. The one who doesn't know what fucking ghosts is all about is the one who's got the bullshit stories. Fine, fine, fine. He's got a point. He's got a point, Chuck. I mean, that is the national anthem of the... I just wanted to warm you up for the real one. You're just going to start reciting the national anthem of the National Ghost Society as if it's your own story. Ladies, gentlemen, ghouls, and goblins. It's midnight.

Something evil's lurking in your eyes. This is now Michael Jackson's Thriller. You keep singing the Monster Mash. This is not the Monster Mash. This is Thriller from Michael Jackson. Oh, stop the horror. From Michael Jackson. This is Thriller from Michael Jackson. From Michael Jackson International Pop Star. Everybody knows Michael Jackson's name. You're not tricking anyone with this. You're not afraid to breathe. You're not afraid to look right between the eyes. Why are you doing this?

And then I got abducted. Good save you from the beast about to strike. Listen, I'm Lance Nutthrust. I have to know. My third and final story. Regalus. You're not ready for this one. This one happened uptown. Doop.

No, no, no, no. You can't just start singing Uptown Funk. That's not even a spooky song. That's not even a spooky song. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Chuck, I don't think you're here for the right reasons. And then I felt something. I felt something. Oh, no. No, you don't have a story. I see the specter. You don't have a story. You don't have a story. No, you don't have a story.

Okay, fine, fine, fine. Chuck Lance, I brought you guys together here because you guys, I heard, were the best of the best when it came to ghost fighting. But clearly, I'm seeing a lot of issues here, especially on the side of... How am I? How is this my problem? Well, because you brought him with you, okay? You said... Why didn't you bring him with me?

Yes, you did. He saw the flyer. He saw the fucking flyer. Yeah, but he needed a carpool. I may like Uptown Funk a little more than I should. You're fucking listening to me, fucking Bill. At least I'm not Uptown fucking. Maybe if you made a little bit of a better flyer in MS Word, didn't use the goddamn word art and clip art, then it'd be better. We get a better fucking saw the people. You're gonna get ghost dates, god damn it.

You probably already got spectral herpes. You probably already got them. Look down, Schlatt! I do.

At the ghost herpes, do you see them? No! Of course not! Of course you don't! You fucking idiot! What's that, fucking Bluetooth? You just try and send me an STD via Bluetooth, you dumb fuck? It's okay, you're not gonna... There's nothing there when you fuck a ghost! There's no contact! How are you gonna get an STD from fucking smoke? He's still possessed. He's got ghost herpes, man. Jesus Christ. Get a grip.

Get a grip. Listen, I know we all took a hit recently. Last time I tried to have a grip, a ghost stole it out of the air on the way back down to my mouth. We've all had a rough time after the loss of our president of the National Ghost Society, Big Greg. You know? It's been tough, but that isn't any reason for you guys to start going at each other's throats. We're all ghost boys here. Am I right? I don't go at throats. I go down throats. Okay.

Wherever you might go at the throat. You know what? You know what? Fuck this. You're a real ghost hunter. All right? Try this. Try this on. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. No, not gonna happen. Bloody Mary. No. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.

Did it work? You got any? You got any there? I got no Bloody Marys behind me, baby. No, I didn't get one. Well, the connection's not very good right now. Okay. Well, there you go. Maybe airdrop it to me. Tell me about this. I mean, there's a lot of categories of ghosts that exist in the world. You got the chewers. You got the gloopers. You got the grabbers. We might as well... For our listeners out there that don't entirely know about...

You know, ghosts in general, we might as well just kind of go through, just sort of bounce off. Let's just talk about, you know, the types of ghosts that you've got.

Let's go down the list. Start at the top. You start us off. Sure. For instance, one of the big ones you got is the big guys. Everyone calls them the big guys in the business. It's those big, burly, usually they're like old school 1920s wrestlers that died from...

for some reason, like 100% of 1920s era wrestlers became ghosts. It's an interesting phenomenon.

and they all sort of just spin their hands around and say, "Put 'em up, son. Put 'em up, put 'em up, sonny." You'll never see-- See, the thing is, you'll never see just one at a time, because they never stopped. They died wrestling, and they keep wrestling forever. And trust me, they always travel with their tag team partner. They died in the great wrestling of 1920. Indeed. And they don't stop. Indeed. So those are particularly hard ghosts to deal with, because they're always trying to start a fight,

with you and, you know, they pack a punch, that's for sure. But, you know, I mean, those are the big guys. They're far from the worst, though. They're far from the worst. I mean, yeah, Chuck, if you've got something to... Oh, I got some. You guys know the Grabby Goopers. The Grabby Goopers. You guys know the Grabby Goopers. That's like right at the beginning of the Encyclopedia of Ghosties. I've been in a couple hospitals with these. I've been in a couple asylums with these. A couple of them.

I've been in a couple decrepit ruins with these. Ruins? I've been in a couple of ruins with a couple of grabby goopers. A couple of grabby goopers and a couple of ruins. And I don't have to say what they do. It's pretty self-explanatory. And honestly, shame on Gwyneth Paltrow for taking advantage of the grabby goopers, too.

You know? Yeah, I'm sure they're not too happy about that. Building an entire business based upon the Grabby Goopers was a really shady thing to do, you know? True. You know, a lot of respect for her for playing Pepper Potts, but I mean, what else does she have going for her? They're trying to stab you to death. It's funny because Gwyneth Paltrow will do the exact same thing. Gwyneth Paltrow? Yep, yep. You know, it's weird.

That I've seen her ghost? Because she's still alive, right? She's still alive, yeah. So it's like, what's going on there? How is she projecting? Yeah.

Is she just a, is Gwyneth Paltrow just a husk? Well, here's the thing about Gwyneth Paltrow ghost that you talk about, because that's the, that's the, um, that's the goop period ghost that happens. Um, and that's actually because this is sort of a Gwyneth Paltrow plan that she had sort of instilled. She wanted to live simultaneously as a ghost and a human at the same time. So she, um, she, she produced those candles, um,

I'm sure that you're quite familiar. Yes, so by burning the... Yes. This is what my vagina smells like. Exactly. When all of those households are burning her vagina-smell candle, it produces a ghost in which sort of a... It's sort of like an astral state, astral drifting that she does. Yeah, that's Gwyneth Paltrow's gooch spirit you're inviting into your house. Exactly. So maybe think twice, all right, before burning that incense. I'd fucking burn that immediately if I got my hands on it.

So you got the grabby goopers, those stab you to death. You got the stabby stabby bleed you out. He just grabs you and goops you up a little. Lance, I mean, is there any notable big type of ghost that you'd like to talk about? No. Okay. Hey, you know what? Because they're no different to this ghost fucker.

Who are you calling a ghost fucker right now? I just get in there. Honestly, I'm just kind of throwing it into the wind. Oh yeah, he's just completely indiscriminate about what ghosts he fucks. It seems like there's a lot of ghost fuckers in this room. I mean, there's a reason why they call me Bill. Fucking Bill. Why do they call you fucking Bill? Because one, Bill. But also two...

Everybody's fucking bell. And three... Oh, but you said there was two, so I thought... There was one time... It's just poor counting. You're not good at counting. Oh, no, no, no, no! That ghosts...

in Bill. And it was traumatizing, so I'm kind of frustrated that he brought it up. Do you guys ever think about the fact that ghosts could be having, like, just sex? Yes. Yes. Just all over right now? I think about that. All around us. Do you guys ever think about that? It's very interesting how most of our ghost conversations have a basis in sex.

Sex too, that's an interesting part of the- I just can't get away from my family legacy. I just can't get away from the sex fuck legacy, okay? Yeah, the goblin. I try, I try. Your grandfather or father goblin? My mom, no, no, grandfather goblin. Grandfather goblin, sorry. Father ghoul. Father ghoul. Okay, guys, we need a spiritual reset right now. I'm sprinkling some enzymes. Okay. You getting that?

Oh, I'm getting it. I'm getting it. I'm getting it. Oh, yeah. All right. All right. I feel like I'm at church. All right. How's everyone's vibes? I'm feeling vibey right now. I mean, there's a lot of situations when we're fighting ghosts, you know, doing our things. I mean, we've all got a lot of our tools of the trade. When it comes to fighting ghosts, I thought we could maybe touch on sort of for our listeners out there.

You know, the types of tools that we use for fighting ghosts. Speaking of tools, I had a handyman come to my place the other day. Brought with him a malicious presence tool.

Oh, yeah? As you all know, when the season starts to warm... Who's Ted, though? You start to sweat inside. He meant fucking Bill. Oh, okay. He meant fucking Bill. Oh, I'm sorry. You must have somebody else named Ted. I'm still going for your cover name, your deep cover name. Oh, right, of course. It's all out in the open now. Indeed. Bill, this guy comes to me, you know, he...

He installs his devices and he leaves, but he left a malicious presence here because I step outside and instantly goosebumps. A cold spot. Right under where he put the AC. That's fucked up. Explain that. Explain that. Explain that, science. You can't.

Can I get a vaccine for that? I don't think that you can go to ghost school and learn what would cause that because that is unexplainable. You learned that shit out in the field the hard way, man. Yeah. You learned that out in the grit, in the ghost, in the goop, in the ectoplasm, in the ectocycle. Speaking of which, tell us about your ectocycle, Mr. Chuck. That's a worrying thing. What is it? That's a worrying thing to say.

It's a worrying thing to ask about. I'm just curious about the Ecto-sickle, I mean. You want to know about the Ecto-sickle? You legally changed your last name to Ecto-sickle, so is there any inspiration behind that? Is that... It's mostly the Ecto-sickle I found five years back.

You found an ecto-sickle? Cuts through a ghost like a- like an ecto-sickle through a ghost. Holy fucking shit. You guys got any ghost weapons of your own? Yeah. Yeah, I do carry- I got a- I do carry a- I got a fucking weapon. Yeah, tell us about your- I'll tell you that much. Tell us about your weapon, Lance. I've killed a lot of spiders with my ecto-sickle, and when I miss them, I probably kill ghost spiders. True that.

Probably. There's a high chance. There's a high chance they're everywhere, guys. Especially if you would just kill some spiders beforehand. That's the thing. That's the thing. Once you start to get in this ghost business, you realize... You realize as soon as you have a spider problem, you're just...

If you solve that spider problem, you're just going to have a ghost spider problem, which is much, much, much, much worse. It's like at least 10 times worse if we're even speaking in lower terms. Okay. Ghost spiders, for some reason, they can pee in real life. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense that they can just fully piss. Yeah. It's like they're a ghost and it's like, oh, okay, we're going to piss. It's like, how are you doing that? Human piss, too.

How are you doing that? Yeah. It's really strange. But how are you doing that? Lance, you were about to talk about your specific ghost weapon. And I was very curious about, you know, what sort of weapon you bring to your ghost hunt. Well, you know how all these ghost hunters like fucking Zach Bagans, you know, fucking frauds like that use those little MP3, MP3, beep, EMF recorders. And they just, they just like turn up the fucking gain on it. Let's just say that right now. And then it's like...

- Oh wow, did you hear that ghost say, "Oh, I wanna kill all your family." Ghosts don't wanna do that. - Yeah they do. - Ghosts don't wanna do that. No they don't. - Yeah they don't. - I'll tell you all about what ghosts want. - You don't know what they want. You just fuck them. - I walk into a haunted house. I walk into a house that's filled with ghostly presence, you know? And you can feel it. You can feel it on your bones. You can feel it in the bones. - What is it, ghostly Christmas? - Ghostly Christmas. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, Chuck.

I walk in and I pull my pants down. No way. My weapon. No, don't say it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess. I think you know where I'm going, you know? I have an idea, but I'm not sure yet. There's actually one time where I was possessed so thoroughly by a ghost that I actually started jerking off.

Right in the middle of the living room of this abandoned house. Just started jerking off. And they got it on camera. They got it on camera. And I was like, oh, shit. I'm possessed by this ghost. And I'm jerking off now. It's making me jerk off. I wouldn't do this under normal circumstances.

non-paranormal circumstances. I got, yeah. Here I am sitting in a wooden chair. I got possessed by a ghost to not pay my taxes. Here I am sitting in a wooden chair with three legs on it, jerking my cock and balls off, and there's nothing I can do about it. Is that true? Yes. And honestly, the fact, okay, the fact that you would ask me if that was true is invalidating my ghost hunting experience.

Dude, here. Incense. I'm sprinkling. I'm sprinkling the circle, okay? Spray me the incense. Give me the incense. Go to the holy place. Lance, I'm sorry. When I was there jerking off, do you think any part of me wanted to be jerking off right there? No. Yeah, I'm just going to go on a limb here and say that no part of you wanted to be jerking off. No. It was that ghost. It was that ghost. It was the ghost. It was the ghost. They possessed me.

What weapon do you use? Was it the jerking off? Yeah. Well, see, I kind of... I kind of... So it's funny. It's funny. So sometimes the ghost... The first time the ghost made me jerk off, and now what I do to kind of like... To kind of like...

intimidate them is I jerk myself off. That's what I do when I walk into a haunted house. I jerk myself off because if a ghost's first thing is like, I'm going to make this guy jerk off, that would really embarrass him. And I'm already there fucking jerking my fucking cock and balls.

What's going to happen? The ghost is going to be like, dude, this is a really weird. This is a strange person. This is a strange person. And I don't know what to do anymore. So right there, I set myself up as I give myself the upper hand. Right. And tell me what's wrong with that.

Not much. Not much. Not much. I mean, probably a little. There's probably something going on in my head. A little bit. But the fact that I give myself the upper hand. At least it's not a ghost. At least it's not a ghost. Exactly. Exactly. So, Ted, shit. Bill, what's your weapon? Oh. So, Bill, where...

Where do you jerk off? You know, one of my favorite weapons to bring to play when it comes to the ghost fighting scene is what I'll do is most of the time, I mean, I will go down to the market. Maybe the local bodega. Chicken soup. New York Slice? New York Slice.

I will drive all the way from Bar Harbor, Maine to Brooklyn and go to a bodega. And I will pick up a six pack of Corona. And when I go to the ghost location, I basically just finish the whole thing of Corona. And then I say, hey, you fucking ghost. Exactly. Check this out.

And then I take each bottle that I, every time I will just start chugging them and I'll just smash the bottles on the ground. 90% of the time, the ghosts come out and they're like, hey man, hey man, sorry. I mean, I'm used to fighting like fucking stable ghost hunters. This is a bit out of my league right now. It's all about getting the upper hand over the ghosts. It is.

Because you walk in there... So it's a mind game. It's a mind game. I make him think that I've lost it all. That fucking asshole Zach Bagans walks into a house and he's like, is there anybody here? Yeah, yeah. Fuck you. And the thing is about Zach... You get into the goddamn haunted house. You pull your pants down. You start jerking your cock in front of the ghost. It's all about a show of dominance. What are they going to do? What are they going to do? They're going to try and fucking scare you? What the...

That's not going to work. It's all about a show of dominance at the end of the day. Exactly, exactly, exactly. Here's the thing about Zach Bagans. I start running around the house. I'm going in every nook and cranny. I'm trying to possess the ghost. Exactly. You know, trying to reverse psychology, but with ghosts. I'm turning lights on and off and screeching down the halls. Here's the thing about Zach Bagans, though. I'm not locked. You know, you're locked in here with me, right? Right. Exactly.

You're going to watch me jerk off until I finish. Here's the thing about... Let me tell you, that'll be a couple awkward minutes. Here's the thing about Zach Bagans, though. I mean, the guy is a total fraud. Can we all agree on that? Really? Well, I mean...

Listen, listen guys. He walks in there and his strategy is like, oh, we want to help you. Ghost hunters are not helpers. We're killers. I'm trying to get ghost pussy, dude. We're killers. I'm not trying to help anybody. You know, some ghosts, they just want to move on. Not to your dick, but to the, you know, to the... I've had a couple moving on my dick. That's for sure. I know, I know, man. But some want to move further beyond your dick.

Beyond, you know, above, and we gotta help them pass on. Yeah, I guess, but they've been doing a lot of fucking up on Earth here. And I don't mean pass on their ghost herpes to your dick. I think that this just may be a difference in opinion and ghost hunting strategy with you, Chuck, but...

Listen, you kill some, you send some on. My opinion is that if they're here, it's fair game. I'm going to smash some bottles on the ground and I'm going to bust out my fucking ectoplasm

synthesizer deframer 6000 it's a new one apple made it wow deframer yeah what do they what do they what do you mean deframer they're deframing the consciousness of the ghost so it oh yeah it's upon itself on its plane like that you like so it was made by apple by the way they do it under the table though

You know, I take one of those out after I smash the bottles and I just send it away. I don't care if the ghost got a sob story or not, all right? I'm a realist. It's a ghost. Kill it. Send it to hell. That's what I think. You don't know where the ghost is going. Listen. I'm hoping it goes to hell. I think Zach Bagans has got some good points. He walks in there. He wants to know what they want. He wants to know...

They were, and I think that's admirable. You know? Sue me. Sue me. If I was Zach Bagans' boss, If you're going to fuck a ghost, you might as well ask it out to ghost dinner first. Right? Ask a couple questions. That's all I've got to say. Bring some ghost spaghetti. I'm detecting something malevolent in this very room, in this very show, in all of our hearts and souls. I feel like this person

in this very Discord call. What? Where are you? That's right, Kitten. There's something amiss. What? Why did you just call me Kitten? Who are you calling Kitten? Oh, God. So here's the... Oh, God. Jesus Christ. That's a little too far even for Lance. I'll be honest with you as Chuck Ectosickle. I took a look the other day. We're out of ghosts.

We're out of ghosts. We're out of fucking ghosts. We killed every single ghost. They're all fucking dead. Literally every single goddamn one, man. You know what this means, dude? I'm not going to be able to pay my mortgage. That's what it fucking means. What the fuck are we going to do, man? What the hell are we going to do? No! Yuki, there's no ghosts left to fuck!

You know what we gotta do? We gotta do a comedy podcast! Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Well, if we're gonna do a comedy podcast, we gotta change our names. Lord, save me! If we're gonna do a comedy podcast, we gotta change our names. Fine. Ecto-sickle is... Slime... I'll be Charlie. Slime-sickle. Slime... Fucking who cares, dude? First name Charlie, last name Slime-sickle. That sounds pretty good. Sure, man! Sure!

I got to choose something as epic and awesome as fucking Bill, so I guess I'll go with Schlag. How about Ted Nivison? How about Ted Nivison? I just thought of that. I just fucking thought of that. I thought that Ted Nivison would work really well for you, actually. Really? Yeah. Wait, what were you thinking? I'm going to go with Schlag. Schlag? Yeah. How about this? How about this? Schlag.

Alright, I'll go with "schlaaah" How about you do- I'm reclaiming my family name. Hey guys, welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. I'm Chuck Sex Fuck and let's get right into it. Listen, we're all out of ghosts. All we've got is the real world and you only get one. Go out. Recycle.

Yeah. Thank you so much for listening to this ghosty episode of the chuckle sandwich podcast. I think since we're out of ghosts, we're going to have to retire our ghosting experience and become a comedy podcast once again. Charlie, shut up, dude. What do you say? I can't even concentrate. I become a pop comedy podcast once again. So thanks so much for listening.

Bye. We don't know what this podcast was. We would stay, but we've got to ghost you. Okay, bye. See you later. Have you made the switch to Knicks? Millions of women have made the switch to the revolutionary period underwear from Knicks. That's K-N-I-X. Period panties from Knicks are like no other, making them the number one leak-proof underwear brand in North America.

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