The Real VS. Fake Product Challenge
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ABC Wednesdays. Y'all complain all day. We want books. We want paper towels in the classroom. Bet you want razors, too. I'm still waiting on the paper towels. Abbott Elementary returns with a new season. We asked the district for more after-school programs. They gave us $50 for class beds instead. Critics cheer. Abbott Elementary continues to be one of the funniest and most beloved shows on TV. What y'all doing out there? Taking bribes. Proud of y'all.

y'all. Abbott Elementary, Wednesdays 9.30, 8.30 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu. Uh oh. Why'd you do that? I don't know. I was trying to support you.

That didn't sound like you supporting me. It sounded like you mocking me. I wasn't mocking you. It sounded like you were mocking me. It was empathy. It was empathetic. I was like, oh, what would it feel like if I tried to make myself feel that pain? Ted, I know you got upset about the last two podcasts, about us ragging on you and us teaming up on you. But really, I think this is just you being a crybaby. It seems like you want to continue that trend. You want to continue that. I'm just saying, Ted, this comes off as petty.

It comes off as petty. I didn't even do anything. You mocked me. You mocked me. Oh, I see. You mocked me. You mocked me. On your birthday, no less. On my birthday, no less. On your birthday. And you know what? You're old now. I'm sorry to say. Okay. Yeah. Okay, buddy. 25. Welcome to the retirement home.

You're 26, dude. You're 26, okay? Yeah. You are so older than I am, it's like it's crazy, the divide between us. It's like just adding one. Ted, I think anyone born after 9-11 should not be allowed access to the internet. Oh, okay. I like that. Yeah. So they don't figure out the truth. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

Welcome everyone, I'm your host, Hunter Charlton, and I'm your host, Trey and Ted. We're so happy to have you here today. Ted, what is going on? Sorry. Yeah. How's the move been? Your brain a little mushy? Little bit. Little bit. Yeah. Yeah, I'm freaking out, man. No, I'm honestly... Dude...

I'm hurting right now. I played some basketball with Hassan as I have been doing. Always has to quantify that he was playing with Hassan for whatever reason. Well, it's me, Hassan, and another guy that shows up. That other guy isn't popular, huh?

He's like a screenwriter. Okay, if I just name drop this guy. Name drop him. Honestly, I forget his name. Shh.

Your response would be, I don't know who that is. Who is that? I don't know who that is. Why are you bringing up people I don't know, Ted, on the podcast? See, I could go either way. It's like I'm looking at two paths. There's demons at the end of both, realistically. That's true. It's like having a wife. Yeah. Divorce or spending all day with her. But no, I pulled my back today. And let me tell you, Shlatt, this...

This pain is, you know, you'd be talking about this for a week if you were feeling what I'm feeling right now. Would I say my back has been bludgeoned? Yeah. No, you'd say, or you'd turn like this and you'd go. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like me. Or you'd go, you know the scream cry thing? You know what it is. You know. I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it. Really? Okay, I'll do it again. Discord will mute you whenever you go loud. Didn't hear it. I don't know why this happens to me, but not you guys. Discord's got a problem with me. I bet it. Pull your settings up.

I'm not pulling my settings up. I'm not going to do that for you. It would be for you. No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't because you wouldn't know how. Because I've taught you everything you know. He's got automatic voice suppression. Yeah, he's automatic. He's on automatic. Hey, Ted, we're driving stick and you're driving automatic right now. Ah!

We cannot be dogging on Ted. He's got a little slush box and we're driving stick on a mint. He's incredible. Thank you, Tucker. Appreciate that. Now it just seems like everything that comes out of your mouth is going to be a lie now, though, Tucker. There's two demons. This is what marriage is like, babe. You did the babe thing. I'm into it now. Ted briefed me on this.

He's going to start saying Dave now because he thinks it's Italian.

No. He thinks it's Italian. No. Yeah, Ted calls me on the phone the other day and he says, I think I'm going to start saying babe at the end of sentences because it feels Italian. Okay. So if you're going to recall a story, why don't you do some justice here? I'm going to do a little historiography on what you just did there because that was not a proper recounting. What I told them was that I think I'm going to start adding babe at the end of sentences because it feels vaguely Italian.

Not Italian. You know, it's not like, you know, red, white and green. Like, you know, it's not like pasta. It's not like pizza pie tomato. It's just like,

Are you Italian? You're not Italian. He's not. Why does this matter? Why are we even talking about this? Because it's nice. Because it's vaguely Italian? Because it's sometimes fun to feel a little vaguely Italian. Why do you want to feel Italian? That's like the worst type of white person. No, see, that's anti-Italian discrimination right there. Oh, fuck. I'm stuck in the 1800s, dude. I'm sorry. I got to update it. Yeah. Yeah. Move up a little bit.

You can come after me for being Irish if you want. Okay. Maybe that'll be next episode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, but that one wasn't even like a manual move there, Tucker. That was a natural combo right there. What? I was thinking of something different. What's going on?

Tucker wasn't paying attention to the conversation. No, you had me thinking about what you said. It's like the 1800s with the Italians. And I started thinking, wow, we really do hate any time a big group of people comes here. It takes us a while to get used to them. Yeah, we're like, what the hell? Yeah, like every group of people that's come here since the Pilgrims, every time there's a new group, so basically like every country, we're like, whoa, whoa.

who do you guys yeah yeah no what i was saying tucker was that when i said when i said babe in that that instance that was that was natural that just flew out ted you got to tell us how the moving is going okay it's going all right it's going on i'm i'm waiting for the couch really like the the upstairs right now the living room because i'm in the i'm at the ground floor right now i'm

The upstairs is still in sort of state of chaos. There's a lot of decorations still in boxes and stuff because I haven't gotten the couch that I ordered yet. And I feel like I can't do anything until that couch is there because I don't know. I don't know. I just need that. It's the centerpiece of the room. I can't do any decorating. So it's sort of no man's land. It's kind of like walking through a World War I battlefield when they brought the machine guns out, mind you. Yeah, or the flaming welfare.

Yeah. Whatever the fuck they call that. Yeah, the flaming Wi-Fi. See, Schlatt likes to feel vaguely German. I do. I like feeling vaguely German. I do. And you know what? It makes sense because I'm vaguely German. Schlatt. Yeah, that is a little vaguely German, isn't it? What is Nivison even supposed to be? Scottish, I think. Scottish. Scottish.

Scottish. You can't even say it in a Scottish accent. It doesn't even make sense. Well, I don't really think I can do a Scottish accent. Nivison. No. Ted Nivison. Son of... Oh, it's the Nivison clan. It's the Nivison clan coming over the horizon. How was that? Was that good? No. Oh, I liked it. I thought that was really good. Yeah.

There we go. There we go. Okay. I'm like playing offense, you know? Yeah. No, you are playing offense. That's a good way to put it. Yeah. We're not even competing and he's playing offense. Yeah. No, he's just ready. He's ready to fucking rock, dude. He's pissed. Well, I don't know. What's new with it? What'd you do for your birthday? I stayed at home because I don't like going outside and seeing people because they get that look.

You want... I hate that look, you know? They go... Yeah? In what context are they giving you that look? Little kids, little tiny kids.

Oh, like getting recognized? Yeah, yeah. And they'll be like, are you Schlatt? And I'm like, who the fuck else is 6'3 with mutton chops and wearing a Yankee hat? Like, what do you mean, are you Schlatt? Yes, obviously I am. Now come take your photo and let me get on with my fucking life. You know what I thought that was originally when you started doing that? I thought that when you went out, you have this phenomenon on your birthday where people start looking at you and they're like recognizing it's your birthday somehow. Yeah.

Like it scents it off of you and you're like getting hunted down by people trying to wish you a happy birthday. No, just in general, I stay away from people because too many of them recognize me now. Yeah, dude, you are going to be such a porch neighbor, like a porch like neighbor.

you're gonna be a century on a porch when you get old someone will see my face driving by and then they're like that schlatt on his porch i know where schlatt lives now i mean well okay well when you're 60 or 70 you think that's gonna matter yeah as much yeah you think that you think that we're gonna still be as big as we are now when we're 70 no shot well i will hope to have slimmed down a little bit by then

Oh, well, no, I mean, in terms of, you know, notoriety or whatnot. I think anyone our age would remember, oh, that's the guy with the chops. And look, he's still got those chops. Oh, but we're going to be dropping like flies. We're going to be dropping like flies. Yeah, because of the climate wars. Oh, true. Yeah, true. But assuming that you live in the one retirement community that still has green grass or the, you know, the gated community on the moon or whatever that still has green grass and

and whatnot, you're going to be on that porch and you're going to be scanning. And once you see a little kid having a little bit too much fun and a little bit too little Christianity, you're going to go after him with a thunderous voice or kill him. Yeah, no, that, well, that's an option too. True. That's an option too because laws don't matter at that point, you know. No. We had the water wars. We had the climate wars. Climate wars. Yeah. Put a taqueria on the moon, you know.

Oh, surely. Yeah. Can't have a moon base without a taqueria. Taqueria. You guys talk about a Mexican restaurant? Yeah. On the moon? Yeah, of course. Never heard it called that before. Taqueria? Yeah, I've never heard that word in my life. They make tacos? That's a pretentious word. No, it's not. It's a different language, Tucker, is what it is. Yeah, but he doesn't speak it.

Let's see it. What do you want me to say? I don't know. Just tell me about your day. What did you have for breakfast? Yeah, you had breakfast. What did you have for breakfast? I didn't eat nothing. I actually can speak decent Spanish. I'm actually really upset that Quackity didn't put me on his little Minecraft server.

that's what i've been holding as you were going to come on as a spanish creator why not well because you're not fluent well because i can speak with the other spanish people on the server i could have there could have been some magic happening yeah there could have been a little bit of magic yeah there could have been a little bit of magic but do you understand the uproar that would have happened if poquito de magic

if quackity posts on twitter and he's like introducing a new spanish creator and it's a picture of you with a shit-eating grin the amount of twitter people that would have they would have freaked the fuck out and not in a good way no not in a good way they would have not been happy no no i could never have been on there no it wouldn't have been would have been kosher

You good, man? Oh, man. I'm so... What? What? What are you doing? What?

what's up you were just fondling your your microphone no i was getting it in the right position you know it's just the air is different here there's different here in this room in los angeles i can't believe you moved to los angeles from los angeles i thought that never happens do you think that when someone moves like they have to move drastically from where they are i would hope if you were in los angeles yes i would hope

You know, I don't even know if I would move back to the East Coast ever. Someone was sending me some sort of post recently, and it was like, me when you come back to the East Coast, and it's like fucking...

Bilbo Baggins saying hi to Gollum or the Wizard or whatever. And they're like, they're meeting up and it's like, are you a film major? And you don't even know the characters in the first Lord of the Rings. It's like the most iconic, like no fantasy series to ever exist. Nobody likes the Lord of the Rings. Let's be honest here. Everybody does. I know. No, I am not interested. You don't, you're not. Nobody likes it. You have that. I'm not creative. Excuse you. I brought back Minecraft.

in its entirety he brought it back okay okay buddy saved not go on go on google trends right now everybody watching this look up minecraft on google trends and sort by all time okay yeah look it up we are we looking this up right now yeah we're doing it live

yeah mine craft google trend shows you how popular it's been and now over time hit oh hit past day and now do do entire life yeah 2004 to present now do click compare hey no no no no no no no no no no no don't click compare go to the lowest point in that in that in that history

I believe that is the exact time I uploaded a tribute to Minecraft. In October of 2018? I think it was May, actually. It was May. Right when it was starting to reach the... All right, make your claim right now. Well, no. Just do me a favor here. Can you put in Jschlad into the compare thing? Oh, it's going to be 100 to 0, dude. Don't make that...

ah okay interesting why would you that's interesting you think i'm gonna be searching no it's just interesting that's all i'm saying the you know it's isn't an irrelevant really this is fucked up this is fucked up that you what you're doing to me right now this is fucked up what you're doing to me

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oh you know what tucker maybe remove minecraft and put ted nivison on it let's see that no no no let's see huh oh interesting interesting fuck you man for trying to shit on my parade now talk i remove my name and put andrew cuomo okay this is fucked up put andrew cuomo there

oh interesting interesting time he killed me and a million other people's grandmothers tugger remove andrew cuomo and put dr fauci oh great great dude oh now that's that's tough dude that's tough he fell off actually some crossover though there are some groundwork okay do the past like six months

Dude, I'm currently more famous than Dr. Fauci. Okay. Fuck you, Dr. Fauci.

Well, okay. Now look at the compared breakdown by region. All right. Fauci's got you in your home state. He does. He's got me in New York. He's got you in New York. Oh, wow. Great. Bunch of fucking liberal hippies over there in New York. Wait, let's compare you guys and see if either of you have a state over the other. Okay. No, no. I got you, bro.

Wow. Some of those Midwestern ones, dude. Kansas 100%. Okay, wait. Now backspace one in between my first and last name. Oh, Ted Nivison. I want to see if there's a difference here. Oh, like that? No, that didn't help you at all. It makes it worse, actually. Put an I after the S. Ted Nivision. Ted Nivision.

No, no, no. Okay. So then not as many people say that mistake. I think it's, well, I think it's also going off what Google will search for you. Hold on. Let's, this might actually yield some results. Said Google, you search your name on trends and then rainforest cafe. And we'll see if there's a spike around the time that you release that video. Oh dude, there's absolutely going to be. Absolutely. Let's look at lifetime. Look, look at that. Oh,

But the highest point is that is it, though. Is that when you release it? It has to be. July 23rd. That truly must be. Wow. Look up Kimmy Granger likes it rough. This thing's broken. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. That's crazy. Maybe just type it into Google.

What is that? What are you having him look up right now? Oh, okay. Don't click on it, Tucker. Don't click on it. You don't have to. Don't click on it. My wife edits this podcast. Don't click on it. Just get rid of the tab. Oh, oh. Get rid of the tab. That was a new instruction. Well, I just thought it was obvious that you would, like, once you saw that it was just all fucking porn. I was just waiting for instruction. Okay.

Yeah, no, but that Rainforest Cafe trend starts when Eddie and I made our video. That's true. You put them on. You put them on the map. Yeah. Yeah, I think we just about did because... Well, it's one of those things where I feel like everyone knew or had been... Like a lot of people had been to one, but nobody really was... Nobody was talking about them. Yeah. It was just like something... They were merely an ember and you stoked a fire. Yeah, they were an ember and I...

Breath of life. I gave it the breath of life. It's like what God did on the first day. Yeah, exactly. I said, let there be safari fries. True. And then on the seventh day, you rested. Yeah, I did. I do a lot of resting. I was laying on my back earlier because of my... You know the streamer? Yeah, I know the streamer. Oh, okay. That's allowed.

Can I ask something about Hassan, Ted? Sure. Yeah. I think that you mentioned this. Well, before you say it, though, remember, you're on the clock. I know. Okay. This is purely scientific. This is purely inquisitive. There's no leaning here. I'm not formulating anything. I'm just researching. This is purely the research phase. Okay.

Now, I've noticed you mention Hassan a lot, both in private conversation and on the podcast. You mention Hassan routinely. All the time. At a higher rate than any of us mention anyone else. And at a higher rate, most assuredly at a higher rate than Hassan mentions you.

Is it because I play basketball with him every week? Is it because I see him more than I see even you, my boy? Yeah, probably. But is it because maybe you're a little bit jealous? I'm not done with the research phase.

And you are now on the offense. And I told you there was no political leaning here. Well, I'm not saying political. This is purely circumstantial emotional. This sounds like it's an emotional thing because you're like, wait, who is this guy? And you're like, you're trying to turn it into like a little, you're like,

Who's this guy? What's... You're hanging out with this guy a lot, Ted. What's that about? You don't know where this is going. Tucker, I'm allowed to have friends. All right? You are. But here's... It doesn't change my love for you. Here's what... What are my interest lies. Okay. Recently, as in like the last year, you entered a fashion era, right? Ooh.

And you had the rings, right? Real crazy rings. Rings like I've never seen. And so I'm looking through Hasan. I love a good Hasan thirst pick. And I go, oh, what's that? What's that right there? Deeply unrelated. He always is sporting big, crazy rings. And you clearly really look up to this guy. Big, crazy rings.

I'm thinking that you were like, oh, if only I could look like a son piker. Cause I mean, he's a hunk. I think about it. They're both tall. They both wear glasses. They both have rings. Okay. Ted, are you a communist by any chance?

So now this is becoming, turning into the McCarthy trials. Well, I'm just thinking, I just like to put one and two and two and two together. I mean, Jay Schlatt does rhyme with McCarthy. Everybody knows that. What? Yeah, look at this. You heard about this, Schlatt? No, what? McCarthy and, I mean, I am in Hollywood. I am in LA. Is this not Schlatt's way of trying to, you know,

get me blacklisted in the world of Hollywood coming after a member of Hollywood. You're not in Hollywood. I'm in it right now, babe. I'm in it right now. You're in the town, not in actual Hollywood. No, I'm in actual Hollywood. I can see the sign for my place. Do you understand how this works? I enter the town. I'm going to do it again. I'm in Hollywood, babe.

I'm here. That does feel a little fun. It does. It does. Because it's vaguely Italian. It's vaguely Italian. I mean, it's at this point, it's just one of those things where I'm like, why even doubt me when I'm coming, when I'm, when I'm cooking on a new word, a new little phraseology, when I'm goosing for something new, you might as well listen to me. That'd be favorite puppy. Come on, come on. You know, it's true.

Although I really do wish I would say Goosen more because it is such a good phrase. Goosen is good. Goosen is good. And I really need to make a genuine effort to keep using it until it becomes a part of my vocabulary. Ted, this is a bit of a non sequitur. And I apologize for changing the subject to something so potentially distasteful.

Are you on offense again? No. Genuine question. Are there people on this planet who eat ass?

Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah? I saw a guy at the state fair the other day wearing a shirt that says, I eat ass. Really? And he was with his family. Really? With his family. With his family. Wait, you wait. Sorry, back up, Tucker. What? Really? What do you mean? Yeah. The state fair with his family. Yeah, in New Hampshire. It's real. Yeah, live free or die. You know what I'm saying? Eat ass or die is what they should be calling it. I mean, like, seriously, though? Like...

Yeah, no, I have to say, I really don't understand the appeal. It's a shocking thing to think about, honestly. That is shocking. That's shocking. It's shocking. That is shocking. It's a shocking thing to think about. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, Schlatt, because I've been doing my business for a long time. And as far as I know, all my business comes out that hole.

And other than the other hole, other than the fire hose. And so I just don't know, after so many years of living my life, how that unholy place could ever become clean. It's true. It's true. I simply don't understand. It strikes me as some sick, fucked up thing that there's people that do that.

Now you're about to cry. Because I get upset when I get emotional when I think about things like that. You get emotional when you think about the fact that people eat ass? An affront to God. Oh, you brought this up. I just started thinking about it, dude. Why were you thinking about it, though? Because he has urges and he's upset because God does not like urges.

flat are you trying to eat some no do you have a hunger is wagging his tail thinking about it it's not and i'm definitely not eating that fucking dick's ass dude i don't know if it even has one it doesn't oh he does so how do you know that i'm just saying i'm just saying what we clearly were looking for it fuck man fuck yeah

That's crazy. It's a crazy thing to do, gentlemen. Yeah. No, it is. And I can't – I just can't relate to those who do. It's the –

Tucker looks really stressed about this now. He's got his head in his hands. We're just kind of all over the place right now. Oh, we are. Yeah, this is a crazy episode right now. I have a few little things we could rein in on here. Yeah, you could rein us in. I feel like a little reeling is not the worst thing in the world, right? So,

says the fisher what i have a fisherman says the fisherman you didn't hear what i said did you there's a fisher and a lot of people call it fisher cat but okay not a cat we get fisher cats up here they're not cats totally a cat i don't know if you've seen that thing you just call it fisher it's actually an animal drop it's like a new animal drop called the fisher

- Look up fisher cat. Looks like a little bear cat hybrid. Totally awesome. - Are you kidding me? Everyone knows what a fisher cat is. - See, if you just look up fisher, you're not gonna see anything. You gotta search fisher cat. - Yeah, fisher cat demons. - We do, we do. - The demons of the night, dude. - It's like a bear cat thing. Look at that thing. - And they scream like babies. - I love how thick its tail is. Look at that top right photo, Tucker. Look at that top right photo. Oh, that's a thick tail, dude. - I'll tell you something about fisher cats. - What?

uh when i was a kid going to summer camp at a sleepaway camp fisher cats were sort of like a mythical being we i didn't when i was a kid i didn't i heard i always heard the name fisher cats and apparently they would come out at night they're nocturnal and that they were like you know yeah they were they were there and that they were dangerous or something but um

And they sounded like babies. Like a baby crying or something. They were essentially like the skinwalkers of my time in summer camp. Exactly. See, that's a baby. That's a baby Fisher sounds. Terrifying.

That sounds like a crying baby. I think that is a baby one. Well, that one sounded more like a crying baby than... Oh, you're saying like a human baby. Yeah. A fish was caught in a live trap. Who the fuck has a five-year-old narrating this video?

- A little scary. Fisher's actually quite playful. - All right, let's move on. - Yeah, we gotta move on, bro. This is, it's time to go. - That was too much. - It's time to go. - Yeah, literally that all came from me just making a fishing joke after Tucker said we were gonna reel this in. - See, about a year ago, Hassan literally was making content about rings, and that's when Ted got inspired and goes, "Oh, I need to get rings." - That's interesting. - Yeah. - That's really interesting. - It is interesting.

It is. Yeah, but I don't really. I mean, yeah, but I don't really. I don't really like the rings that Hassan wears. That's not really my style. Oh, I would not be saying that on the podcast, dude. That's going to have to get cut. No, that doesn't need to get cut. Like Hassan is going to get invited back. No, they look good on him. But like, that's not my style. I'm not. You know, those are like they're a little bit more like gothic leaning, you know?

Do you understand that aesthetic, Tucker? Gothic. Have you heard that before? The Dark Souls ring. Yeah. The Dark Souls ring. There you go. But those have powers, though. Well, I mean, but this is real life. So they don't in real life. Well, listen, Tucker, just before we get away from this, I just want to make sure we understand. Rings, real life. They don't have powers. You understand?

No, I think they do. I mean, this one definitely has some kind of power in it. That's why I don't take it off. I mean... I always assumed that yours did. You have that one with the circle with all the spikes. I always thought it was like a... I mean, it's not giving you a buff, though. It's not giving you 10% dexterity extra or anything like that.

Oh, man. I had such an amazing summer, Ted. Me too. Full of great drinks and food. Maybe even a few too many ice cream cones, Schlatt. I'll admit it. But, Ted, you know, the results of all these summer indulgences are making me ready to start eating a little healthier this fall. I think I agree with that, Schlatt. I agree with that. But, you know, Schlatt, I'm at a loss here because being in charge of planning, shopping, and cooking your own healthy meals can be kind of...

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All right, maybe we should move on. So, Tarkin, what's this game that you have? Yes, we have a little game that you guys, so I'm going to give you like a little pitch and you have to tell me if you think this product is real or if it's fake. Oh, okay. Like a Shark Tank style. That's going to be tough because I'm going to believe everything's real. Like I'm Mark Cuban. Or no, I'm Mr. Wonderful because I've killed a family of five with a boat before. I'm Mr. I'm Mr. I'm Mr. Killer. Killer.

What? Okay. So I thought we were just making up names. No, that's an actual person. Mr. Wonderful? Mr. Wonderful, yes. He wears two watches, both with a bright red wristband, and his wife killed a fucking family with a boat.

Nah, that's not a real guy. Look up Mr. Wonderful boat crash. No, that can't be real. Boat murder. Mr. Wonderful boat murder. TMZ. Here we go. Not guilty. Not guilty. My ass. I don't know about this. This looks like AI. That's not AI. That's a real thing that happened. Mr. Wonderful's wife killed a family with a boat.

Why are you laughing? You always know this weird, random shit. What? What's random about that? We're literally doing Shark Tank pitches. But you didn't know that coming into this. This is irrelevant as it could be. That's news to you, though. So you just had that guy sitting in there. You didn't know the topic when we came onto the pod today. Yeah. Fuck.

Okay. That's just something that lives in your head. Yes. Is that Mr. Wonderful's wife killed a family with a boat. I like obscure trivia from time to time. Jesus. Bouncing around like a fucking pinball machine. Hard to forget when the person you watch on ABC every Tuesday night at 9 p.m. his wife killed a family with a boat while he was on it.

Shark Tank on every night, 9 p.m. ABC. Product number one is it's called I Got You, Bro. At the gym without a spotter, I Got You, Bro is an app that pairs you up with gym rats in your vicinity so you can find a spotter fast. Fake, or that's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. It's called I Got You, Bro. This has got to be the only place that this would have application is like in a... A gym?

Well, in a gym, but in a gym that has no other people in it. And it's like in a rural area where like there aren't that many. You got to like call, you know, fly someone in to be a spotter or something. This is stupid. This is so stupid that I think it's real. But I think it has never succeeded once. This is ridiculous.

I mean, there is an app for everything, huh? I bet it was... Oh, but I guess it doesn't have to be a successful pitch, does it? It's like, this is a real thing that showed up on Shark Tank and they shot it down. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Tucker Schlatt is very gym-brained. So this seems like something that he would maybe make up because he's been going to the gym a lot. I did not make this list up that I'm using. Oh, interesting. I did not. I think this is...

Fake I think it's fake. This is so stupid when you you guys will come together with a joint conclusion that you agree on And at the end I'll tell you which ones you got right and which ones you got wrong because I don't want to tell you now Because if I you know that way I can kind of go in whatever order I want Oh Jesus, this is like Good Mythical Morning. No, I don't know what that is. I'm totally red. I'm totally red. I

I'm totally right because I'm the cool one. I feel like that's more stressful than if we kind of knew if we were doing good or not. You just want us to... The audience will know. The audience will know, but you won't until the end. Oh, okay. This is good morning, dude. This is totally good morning. That's fucked up. That's royally fucked up. Okay, here's my thoughts. My thoughts is this is a stupid idea. It will never work, but this is a very gym-coded...

Like, I got you, bro. Like, this feels like something someone only as dumb as a roided out fucking idiot would think of as like a killer app idea. Yeah, this I could definitely see some guy like walking in. He's like he looks like he only eats raw beef patties. Like he only eats like Bubba burgers raw.

frozen, eats them like it's like chalk and raw eggs. And he walks in and it's like, and he can't like really swing his arms properly. They kind of come out at like a 45 degree angles. Like he's like that ripped blood pumping with creatine and, and shit. Shit. For me, Nass. And, uh,

He yeah, yeah, dude like so we going is this real or not? I'm just gonna say it's real I do think it's I think that that's a funnier option that somebody would try to pitch that Tucker We're locking in real. I know I got you locked in for real great. Thank you Are you ready for the next one? Yes, the next one's title is cougar limited and here's the pitch

Need a boost for when you're on the prowl? Cougar Limited is the energy drink for cougars. Older women. That's fake. What's the pitch? That's it. That's the line. It's just an energy drink for older women? For older women. Cougar Limited? Cougar Limited. I think that's fake. Why do you think that's fake? I think that that's fake. I think it's just, I don't, I just, you know. It's really dumb. There's no one in their right mind. Like, the...

At best, it was a ploy for some guy who's just into cougars to get a bunch of sales data and basically have his own personal dating app. Yeah. I don't think this is real either. I'm not going to lie. Older women in MILF should be drinking gamer sups anyways. And wouldn't a better name be Cougar Limitless? Oh, shit.

Well, maybe that's the thing. Maybe some of these pitchers don't need to be vetoed. They need help is what they need. They need someone to take them under their wing. Yeah. That's what I think. Yeah. But I think this is fake. Yeah. Yeah. I'm out. You're out, Mr. Wonderful.

I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. All right. Here's the next one. It's called HMPR pronounced hamper. This laundry hamper has color detecting properties that automatically sort your dark and light. No fucking way. No fucking way. That sounds pretty good, dude. I like that a lot. How big is this fucking hamper? That's a huge hamper. Every color. Wait, finish this pitch. Tucker. I did. I did. That was it. It's they're all like about one sentence. It sorts light and dark.

Light and dark. Yeah. No, no. I honestly, I see the appeal. I see the appeal. I just throw all my shit in at once. Is that crazy? It's not. I mean, but surely you see, surely for you see the way like when you do your laundry.

yeah i thought you were just talking about the hamper and i was like yeah most people do that he's throwing his shit in there yeah i was like i put all my stuff in the hamper like he doesn't sort them like before they get to the laundry and i was like yeah no i i i don't sort anything at all i just throw it all into you don't separate your whites no no ted do you

yeah that fuck is wrong with you coming from you though why because you're like not good at cleaning and and like maintaining but you draw the line at mixing the colors in the wash well because i've that's the hell you die before i've stained clothes before by mixing the whites and the darks still as white as the day i got it and i only wash this with colors okay

I'm sorry that I don't have the most advanced... The last four years, I've been running with the fucking...

Like my washer dryer system was like Wally. Okay. Like it wasn't, it was like a, you know, while you're up in your, your princess palace, you know, in your little floaty chair watching your shows, I'm Wally down in the fucking cubes, dude. I'm making cubes out of this shit. All right. I'm separating my lights and my dark because I get the shit stains and stuff. Yeah.

You've never had that happen before? You got a white shirt out and this guy has a purple streak on and you're like, what? Yes, I've had it happen, but here's the thing. I wear majority of majority Why are you trying to convince me that it's not even something that we deal with anymore? The majority of my clothes are dark like this.

And so I don't have problems with my clothes actually like. So what point were you trying to make? Well, then I don't then I don't sort them. What are you locking in? I'm locking in this is I hate it. I hate it. It's like it's like a tech product. You hate it? I hate it. Yeah, it's like I feel like it's a real thing because I feel like I've seen it before on Kickstarter. HMPR, dude. I feel like I've seen that before on Kickstarter.

Like a laser that... Like possibly. Possibly. That's ridiculous. I remember it was maybe like someone with a laser over it and it tells you the color or something. Because there's lasers. There's sensors that can look and see how bright or something or the color or something. That wouldn't be too hard to make, I feel like. I think it's real. I think it's real.

I'll follow your lead, I guess, man. Yes. I hope I'm not wrong. Maybe I am. Here's the next product. It's called the Original Man Candle. Are the boys coming over but your house smells too girly? Try this candle for men with scents like popcorn, beer, farts, and football. That's totally real. That's 100,000% real. Yeah. And you know where they're sold? Where? They're sold at Newberry Comics.

That would add up. What's a Newberry comics? Oh shit. Is that too, is that too niche? Remember when I said he wasn't creative? Have you ever, you ever been to a mall before? Do they not have a Newberry comics? Maybe it's a Massachusetts thing. Is that, am I, am I going crazy right now? There's one, there's one in Faneuil Hall, uh,

or quincy market there yeah what's another uh what's uh newberg come oh look there's a newberg in in new york and it's a place you never want to go oh newberry there's a lot of new york really there's a bunch

No, I've never... You've never been to one of these? This is a Northeastern. I don't know what that is. This is definitely a Northeastern thing. It's basically just... They got... Okay. They got comics. They got posters. They've got vinyls. Funko. Yeah. Oh, they got Funko. A lot of Funko. They got, you know, Halo action figures because I was looking at those, but they were too expensive for me when I was a kid. It started in Boston on Newbury Street. Well, yeah. That's why I realized it as it came out of my mouth because I knew that the original is on Newbury Street in Boston. Yeah.

But yeah, it's totally that's where that yeah, that's where the fart shits going, you know Because they got a lot of little gag gift shit. Yep. Yeah, no, that's real far candles totally real I know this because I I currently am in possession of a pussy candle anything's not one of the outros Oh, yeah, dude Tucker had a fistful reaction to that. There was like Tucker was like clutching his pearls almost like Lay back on Tucker's reaction there. He was like, oh

Pussy candles. Pussy candles. Dude, it tastes like her pussy. It smells like her pussy. Wait, are you eating it? Stop eating the candles, dude. I'm sorry. No, it smells like her vagina. Man. What are you locking in there? The guy wants the far one to be real so he can eat ass. No, dude. Oh, my God. Okay. All right. All right. Yeah, I think that's real. I totally think that's real, actually. There's not a shot that that isn't real. Yeah.

Yeah. It's real. Yeah. It's real. Here's another product for you. Well, Tucker, I can't wait for that one. Tell us if that one was real or not. No, you have to wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. No, I can't wait. I'm not going to tell you. Oh, bro. Oh,

Target, you work for us. You have to. No, but this is my job is not telling you. No, no, no, no. But just this one time. You signed a disclosure clause. You're going to pull this podcast to a full halt right now. I'm not looking it up. Oh, he's lighting a candle. I'm looking up best places to live in New York. I'm on Zillow right now.

- Tucker, you gotta tell us. You gotta tell us. - I can't, I can't. The audience would be so disappointed in me if I told you. - Tucker, I'm gonna count to three. - On the count of three, I'll give you the next product. - I'll kill him, I'll kill him. - The next product is Dog Bell. Why be annoyed by barking and a doorbell when you can just be annoyed by barking? The Dog Bell is a doorbell that only rings at a frequency that your dogs can hear.

I don't think the Chuckle Sandwich team is intelligent enough to even think of something like that. I think Sid will be really upset with you. Oh, I get it. It makes sense. I get it. I get what's going on. Dog's going to yell no matter what.

Seems like kind of a roundabout solution when you could just train the dog not to bark at the door. And also, the first time you install it, the first time you install it, the dog's not going to know what that is. And so the dog's not going to bark. The...

Yeah, this whole thing is based upon – this is like a – would be a product designed for people that refuse to train their dog. That's most dog owners, though. They would rather buy a roundabout product that increases the – assures that –

Like their dog is now a tool in their household in order to tell like, what are their dogs to sleep? What if their dog doesn't hear it? It's like, oh my, my dog bell's not working because my dog was asleep. Not working, man. Sorry. Uh, I think this is fake. I do. I honestly, I feel like it's abstract enough to be potentially real. It's like so specific. It's so specific, you know? I know. But also at the same time,

Why? Why? Why would you want to get rid of the doorbell? Is the doorbell sound that bad? Man, we just got to answer, man. All right, it ain't real. Fine, it ain't real. It's not real. I think it is real, though. Okay, then let's just say what's real. No, but I don't think it's real.

You got to lock one in real. We should go on this. Okay. But whichever one we go to, you can't make a little comment after saying that. I think it's the other one. Okay. All right. Fine. I think we should do none. I think we should say not real. We should say it's not real. It's not real. You're locking in. Not real. Yeah. Real. Okay. The next product is Throx. The cure for missing socks. Socks that come in sets of three. No, no, that can't be. That can't be real.

I don't know how I feel about this one. Because then it's just like if you buy two pairs, now you've got three pairs. You've got three pairs of normal socks. If you buy three pairs of frocks, you're operating under normal circumstances again. It's a two for three deal. That can't be right. That can't be right. And we've got to remember this is something that they supposedly have pitched on Shark Tank. At the same time,

It has to be... No. Like, they look for bad ideas, too. No, no, it can't be. It can't be. I don't think that's real, dude. That's... Yeah, well... What are you locking in? Yeah, what do you want to do? Okay, not real. Okay. You want to do a final one here? Yeah. Sure, yeah, let's do a final one. This is actually fucking hard, dude. Okay. Well, yeah, because there's different levels to it, because it's like... Because the...

It may have made sense if we were doing the, is it successful real Shark Tank thing that got picked up? Or did they not? Or is it a fake thing? As opposed to, is this anything that could have appeared on Shark Tank, which is a show that definitely thrives from bringing really terrible people on with bad, dumb ideas that no one would actually want? Or is it a fake idea that no one would actually want that didn't show?

Like the only way to win is really if you watched every episode of Shark Tank. It's true. Well, Shark Tank, I mean, if they show up on the show, they at least have like prototypes. Like they want this to be real and they made a starter product for you.

So like that's, that's going to commit into the bit. Okay. Here's the product for you. It's called. Well, I think it's, let me just say, I think that it's, it's one, it's like when they bring on a terrible singer onto the American idol and they put it in, like they put it in the main show, like the terrible ones, you know, like they're going to, everyone's going to show up, you know,

Shark tank thinking like I got a good idea and the proof gonna be like oh, yeah No, we're gonna bring you on the show and the person's like wow. This is my break I'm gonna I'm gonna get I'm gonna get I'm gonna get $200,000 from mr Wonderful and then they're gonna come on and then all of them are gonna say no they're gonna you know Throw some insults out there mark Cuban's gonna say I fucking hate you go die kill yourself And then they're gonna be like what the fuck happened. Yeah, it's true. I

So what's this last one, Tucker? The last product is Burger Box. The world's first meal kit service that specializes only in burgers. Choose from a variety of meats, veggies, fish, and fruit for satisfying burger-based diets. Burger Box. Burger Box. It does sound pretty good. It does sound good. Alliteration.

in case something was thinking about it alliteration alliteration makes me feel a certain type of way but i will also say that a lot of the meal kits like the like the factors and the hello freshes and and the the blue aprons and stuff they all have strange options that i think no one would actually like what do you mean you're getting only like ketogenic like the people the people on keto actually use these services

What if there's just a burger option? You never know. I think the whole thing is if you choose the keto options when you're on one of those meal kit things, it's like you're spending a lot of what you would spend on groceries for most of your meals that week or whatever. So it's like, I got to eat it now. But I think we've said no too many times in a row now that I think we have to say yes on this. Yeah, BurgerBox is clearly real. It's totally a real thing. Locking in a real? Yeah, we're locking in real. All right.

Oh, we fucked up, dude. We fucked up big time. Show us the damage. I think we got all these wrong. Yeah. You got two of them right. And you got one, two, three, four, five wrong. Okay. Cougar Limited was a real pitch. Oh, my God. Original Man Candle was a real pitch. That makes sense. That makes sense. Throx was a real pitch. What?

Wait, did we say that Cougar Limited was real? No. You just said it was fake, but it's real. What did we get right? You got Original Man Candle. You guessed it was real, and it's real. And Dog Bell, you guessed was fake, and it's fake. Oh, okay. And those are, and hey, let me be clear.

those were both spearheaded by me those decisions let me just put that out there hey no we we're not doing a little comment we're not doing a little comment mythical morning heads yeah what are we what are we trying to frame this this is a team effort out there i he's not off those two from the beginning he's always trying to turn this into a competition the ones that the rest that you got wrong were burger box hamper and i got you bro

Hamper was real? No. You said it was real, though. You guys locked in a real on that one. I thought we said it was fake. I thought it was real. I still think it's real. And you locked in on it, and there's no little comment. Yeah. I'm not allowed to say a little comment on that one? No, you're not. We vetoed those. Well, yeah, because you're not allowed to say a little comment so that if whatever you're answering at the time isn't the correct one, that you could have been kind of right with the other one, because you're like, ah, I should have chosen the other one.

- Yeah. What else did we get wrong? - That's it. I just, I already went through the list. - Oh, okay. - You're wrong, sir. - Give us another one. Give us another one. Now I'm addicted. - The product is Invest. Whether you're on Wall Street or in the North Pole, Invest is a military grade vest with a built-in screen that updates you with your stock exchange picks. - What the fuck? - Pairs with an app on your phone and connects with Bluetooth. - Wait, wait, how does it work? Is it like on your chest and then you look down? - They can't give you any more.

- Vest, invest? It's a vest? - It's invest. - Well, I know the pun. - Oh no. - I understand, I know what they're doing there. - Yeah, you got it? - Yeah, no, I got it, I got it. - Oh my God. - 'Cause it's like a vest. - But you're also investing. - Exactly. - No, that has to be fake. That could be real.

i mean here's the thing if it's a pun then it's like shit yeah it is but how often have the puns like are people making puns that much i feel like puns add sort of a level of legitimacy to something because like listen cougar limited that was real no pun no pun no pun uh what else was fucking real hamper

Hamper was not real. Oh, fuck. Oh, right. Because that's what you thought was real. And I said, no, it wasn't real. No, there's no little comment. Enough. Enough out of you. You're a little brat today. You're throwing erasers at the teacher right now. I think we should go, based on your logic, Ted, I think we should say this is real because it's a pun. No.

No, no. My logic is that it's probably not because I think it's a diversion. But if you want, we can go with yours. No, no, no. We go with yours. Let's go with yours. It's not real. See, now this has turned into a whole different game. We're going to go intense. Now we're trying to see who can... This has turned into a competition on who decides what we collectively choose.

In turn, now turning it into a competitive game between the two of us again. This was supposed to be a non-competitive activity to rekindle the Ted Schlatt love. But Schlatt has somehow turned it into this not real locking in via Ted's advice. Okay, sure. It's not real. Fuck you, Schlatt. Get fucked, bitch. One point for me, baby. We make a good team. We make a good team. Oh, oh, oh. There's no little comments. There's no little comments. I'm not making a little comment. I'm complimenting my team.

A compliment is still a comment. What? You're not allowed to talk on this podcast anymore. You're not allowed to talk. According to the Korea Talker. What is that face? Why are you making your lips smaller is sort of the question that I have. He's zipped up. You zip up your lips to see how big your lips are. I can't, dude. Wait. You don't need to change the size of your lips. Ted's got luscious lips.

What is this? He's dying. That's what that is. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. Give us one more. Give me one more. The product is Waken Bacon. Hate waking up to your old alarm? Try Waken Bacon, an alarm clock that wakes you up by cooking bacon.

I've actually, I saw this episode. That's real. Yeah. Yeah. That's real. I know. I, I like, there's a reason why I, like, I was like, I was like, this is what it sounds like a real thing. I saw that episode. Yeah. Yeah. That's real. It honestly sounds pretty good. It does. It really does. Honestly. Does that mean you have to have a slice of bacon sitting out on your. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The whole night. Is it going to refrigerate it? Is it. And my product is called waking bacon.

Oh, that's nothing. That is literally nothing. You guys are invested. Well, yeah, because I want it now. The chamber? That's so stupid, man. Do they go for it? No, almost certainly not. No, they didn't go for it.

He just walks out. But I've looked this up and there's sort of a pseudo-awakened bacon that just, you know, it doesn't let you, you know, eat the bacon, but it's like an alarm clock that like you load in like little sensory pods into it with smells. And one of the options is bacon. That's a good alternative.

yeah so but you know there's definitely like a very specific smell like it's it's got a you know there's a smoke to it you know i don't know if i don't know if they could well maybe they could maybe they could replicate the first most uh what what was it the the most desired way to wake up yeah just like the pussy candle

You know, we got two right in a row right there. So that brought up our right to nine. Three out of six. Three out of nine. Yeah. Wait. Four out of nine. That's still not even half. Give us one more. Track Days, an action film that centers around a motorcycle world championship similar to Fast and Furious. No. Fake.

It's real. Fake. You don't pitch a movie on Shark Tank. Yeah, no, it's real. I know. Okay. No, it's real. Okay. No, it's real. You lock in a real. Yeah, we'll lock in. Yeah, it's real. I knew without a doubt it was real. I knew without a doubt because you know that there was some fucking idiot walking in there.

Who's watched every single Fast and Furious movie and be like, I could do this, but has no idea where movie, how movies are made or where to go. So he goes on Shark Tank to pitch a movie. Yeah, that's crazy. He should have gone to Ted Morrison's door, dude. You're in a dry spell, man. We got 50% right. That's why. Five out of ten. There it is. Those last couple were a little easy.

You know, that's why this is my little comment. This is what I was talking about last episode. If Tucker, if I took that hint that Tucker gave me that one time where he'd try to send it to me, you know, he'd bring it up at the end. He would. And that's made you a stronger man for it. So really you should be thanking Tucker. Despite you. You should be thanking me because I kind of test you throughout the year. Day to day. I do a little test. I'll be like, Hey, you can have a little extra. No,

No, no. But if you do take it, I'm going to delegitimize your win. No. Here's the thing. You've learned to not take any handouts. You are almost no longer the cherub. You are more like one of those lower beasts of hell that is scheming and has like a wrench. And is like, no, not the devil. No, you're an imp.

You're making little devices. You're sneaking around the human world. You're tripping people. You're causing mayhem. That's what you are now. You're a little imp walking around. I'm an imp. Yeah. Let me look at the name. You're like the little purple guys from the Twilight Forest.

There he is. There's Tucker. Look at that. Oh, yeah. There he is. Tucker definitely likes that one. Yeah, that one's fun. Yeah. Yeah, you're sitting on lily pads for some reason. I would sit on a lily pad. You're perched on lily pads.

and this is what you've turned into used to be our blessed little cherub what are you looking for more like yeah no i'm kind of i don't think you understand how rare that sort of combination was stuck if you thought that a bunch of amps on lily pads are going to show up when you look that up on google yeah so that's that's that's what you are now is what you've turned into okay you know i i've come to terms with it that's good that's good it's good it's good to come to terms with that well you're on the offense so

Now you are on the offense. No, I think the Reddit is going to be like, Ted was a little harsh on that one. And I really don't think I know that anymore. No, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what, what, what I didn't say I was going to tell you right now. You can tell me next episode. Yeah.