Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Ted, we're back, baby. We're back. We're back. It's the new year. It's 2023. I didn't think I'd make it this long. Look at him. He's waving to you, Ted. No, he's not. He doesn't have any idea. Jambo's got no idea what's going on.
Ted, you been hitting the gym? Yeah, I've been in the gym a little bit. What's that? What's on right now in the back? Oh, the donut mic? The donut light? You finally turned on the donut light? Yeah, the donut light. It's plugged in. It's rocking. It's rolling. 23. It's a new year. I'm actually taking advantage of the lighting in my office. He's drinking the cum. He's drinking the cum juice. Of course I'm drinking the cum, Ted.
That's my plan for 2023. That's my resolution. Drink more cum. Titty milk. You're just jealous. You know what it is? You're jealous you don't have a drink. You're right, Schlatt. I'm jealous of your cum. Everyone always says, Schlatt, you have the most delicious cum I've ever tasted. Oh, okay. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. Everyone says, Schlatt, your cum...
Unmatched, I've never tasted cum as delicious and sweet and refreshing as yours. - You should send some of that to Tucker and have him use it as pre-workout. - He could, if he wanted to. - Is it good? - Yes. - Do your sales pitch right now. - You're gonna love my cum, Tucker. - Do your sales pitch. - Do my sales pitch? - Yeah, what's your-- - You don't even need my sales pitch. - Well, the ingredients. - It's my cum. - The ingredients. - It's my cum. - So like, okay. But what's your cum made of? - Organic, organic caffeine, 100 milligrams a scoop.
You put two in these, you get a nice little wire at the end. Oh, there's cat hair in my eye. And it comes with pure Jambo cat hair. You take some of that, you bring it to a DNA tester, you're going to make a clone of Jambo, and you're going to have your very own Jambo. That's what you should do. Should I sell Jambos? Yeah, well, you should...
Because the whole part of like the cloning stuff, that's expensive. But you could sell locks of Jambo's hair. And then if people want to, they could take that hair and then they could bring it to a cloning company, perhaps. Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. I don't know. Look, I feel like cloning Jambo's where the money is. It'd be like... Think about it like this, Ted. Think about it like this. You ever walk into like a restoration hardware store
And the building is like five stories wide and it's a fucking, it's like a showroom and no one's even there. They have to sell one couch a month and then they're paid for, you know, because everything's $20,000. Yeah.
It's not. All I have to do is clone the fucking thing once. It's not the whole couch that's $20,000. It's a piece of the sectional that's $20,000. Each sectional piece. It is. You get the Italian boucle. Maybe even the chunky textured Italian boucle. The cloud couch. I've been shopping for couches. Yeah, have you?
The couch you have in your, that one couch that you have that you still cannot figure out where you got it from or what it's called, whenever I ask, is one of the most comfortable couches I've ever, I've slept on it twice. It's a dupe. It's like a copy of the cloud couch, but there's certain modifications made to it that improve over the cloud design. Yeah, and I really want to get one myself. I've got like the money in my hand holding it out and you just can't tell me.
And you won't even do me the service of just going down and looking at a tag. No tags. No tags, man. What do you mean there's no tags? I went to the furniture store today. I'm buying another one. They still won't tell me what it's called. It's like, you want another one of those, don't you? And you say, can I see a tag on it at least? And they're like, no tags. No tags. We do not do tags here. It's bespoke. I'll tell you one thing that I'm doing this New Year's slat. It's...
Okay, you're like... Sorry, Jambo was looking at me funny. He was just staring at me. What was he, giving you the death stare? You were giving me the Kubrick stare or something like that? He was looking down and up at me. Oh, yeah, so he was giving you the Kubrick stare. He was giving me the Kubrick stare. Oh, that's good. What I was going to say is that in the new year, one of the things that I need to do is I need to get an actual couch. Because when you first start living on your own,
you get yeah you go to the couch store and you're like holy i'm in the bargain section and i see a 400 and 400 couch that's like i sit on it and i'm like this couch is great this is fantastic it's comfortable and so you get the couch and i've had that couch for you know three years now and every time shane i sit on this couch
We're always talking about how much we hate this fucking couch. There is nothing good about this couch anymore. Your couch is bad, man. It's a bad couch. It's a bad couch. I really thought it would be a great couch, and it's...
like it's so big though the thing is with couches they're so big you have to move yeah and you have to and moving that takes effort whereas the other option is sitting down on the couch and if you can survive the pain of sitting on that couch for just another day the cycle continues and so you just are just in an abusive relationship with a shitty couch
Dude, all the couch has to do is not kill you, and it stays. Yeah. And it stays. But if I've got an extended gaming session on this couch, I'm like, I'm feeling pain in my collarbone. Yeah, it's not good, man.
in places where I'm like is the couch just punching me and I don't know it it brings me immense joy that you think that my couch is one of the most comfortable things you've ever sat on it really does it's such a expensive couch I mean it was expensive couch I'm rich you know yeah I could buy it if I wanted to you could buy yeah
yeah you did you bought yeah no yeah i could buy a bunch of those actually a bunch of those couches did you see the couch i sent in the chat you sent a couch in the chat yeah this is what you need ted because your couch is the worst couch i've ever sat on oh it honestly ruins your house 35 000 montauk leather eight piece modular sectional tucker wow what the fuck
that's awesome first of all the leather couch the leather couch is no no good for pets no no good why is that not good for pets because they scratch up and then it's fucking ruined oh you can you can reupholster reupholstering leather is fucking ridiculous i guess i would have thought that leather couches would have been better for pets because then you can see where all that like you just like wipe off the hair and it doesn't get like stuck on it
Terrible, terrible for me. It's terrible. They're also not comfortable. The one problem with my apartment when it comes to like a big or a couch that I would want to get is that I don't... You've seen how my apartment looks. It's like a weird... It's like a figure eight of squares. Like it just doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... Yeah, it's like it doesn't fit...
nothing you have a lot of space but you can't do anything with it yeah it's it's it's like if your laundry room was really big you know it's like what the fuck am i gonna put in my laundry room yeah let's hide pods like there's this one whole section of my apartment where i i just exclusively use for just having the green screen up that i do for my videos and i don't use it for anything else but like if if that i
It pisses me off, but I've measured my apartment multiple times and I'm like, okay, if I get one of those nicer couches, I'm going to have to get like this many pieces of a sectional of it. So I get like the preview to the couch before I get a different place. That's fun though.
That's fun, though. You get all the swatches in. You compare the different fabrics. You get the bouclés. You get the perennial performance linens. Perennial performance linens? Yeah, the perennials collection, the performance linen weaves, the double two-tone weaves.
And then you measure the room out and you put it together like a little puzzle because they're sectional so they fit together. And then you measure and then you visualize. It's like Minecraft. Man, you're speaking in bourgeoisie right now. Bourgeoisie? What are you talking about? Everyone needs a couch. You're speaking in... Yeah, my language of getting a couch is, oh, show up in the bargain section of...
Because it's actually... The couch that I have, I think is from... No, it's not. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if that futon behind you, you fucking pull out of the dumpster. That's from Ikea, which is pretty damn similar. If you think about it. How much...
in terms of furniture thrown away i bet ikea is like the number one piece of furniture people are throwing away it's like people are throwing away shit down at ikea wayfair it's a starter that's what yeah wayfair too i mean it's what you get when you you got like a college dorm and you're really like excited for the new year but uh there's a lot of stuff from ikea that are just made of like it's like painted compressed wood what is that yeah that just
Particle board. Particle, yeah. It's particle board. Yeah, a lot of Ikea stuff is particle board, and it's like $90. $90 for a... Remember that bit that Alex Ernst had where he would put his foot through the desk, through the mini nightstand? That was an Ikea mom or whatever the fuck. It was just like... Unskad. You screw in the... Yeah, Unskad. Jungle Skag. Jungle Fat. Well, you didn't like that one? What was it? Yeah.
Why was that one like that? That one didn't work for you or something? I didn't like that. I just didn't like that one. Ted, it's the new year. We haven't talked to each other since last year. I mean, that Curtis Carter episode. Shut up! It's kind of bad how little we talk to us over our break.
Well, it was good. I was relaxing. I was relaxing. Oh, that's good. I'm glad that you relaxed without talking to me. I don't need to talk to you. I don't need to talk to anybody, really. Welcome back, by the way, to Chuckle Sandwich. Yes. We are in the new year. This is episode something.
70-something. 70-something. We're in the 70s, that's for sure. Which is way further than I thought we would get when we first started this podcast. Podcasts last like a year or two. A lot of them do. A lot of YouTuber podcasts last a year. But we're actually coming up right now in like...
When this podcast goes out in like maybe a week will be the two year anniversary of Chuckle Sandwich launching. The 30th. Two years? Yeah, on the 30th. It's the 19th now when we're filming this of January. And...
On the 30th, it will be the two-year anniversary of Chuckle Sandwich. So thank you all for listening for this long. Thanks for chuckling. Yeah, thanks for chuckling along with us. It's good. Yeah. I mean, we're going to keep doing this, obviously. We're going to keep doing this until we die, until we drop dead and there's not a single person. Hopefully not. Hopefully I don't keep doing this until I die. Right up until October 25th, 2025.
Well, that's your going away date. That date rings in my head every time I wake up. It's like a timer, and I just hear a heartbeat sound in my head the whole time. So you're going to be doing this. You're going to be right here, sat at this desk with me every week. On October 25th, and I'm just going to drop dead, and you are going to be really nervous. You could pull a really good prank on me. You want me to fake my death on a podcast recording? Yeah.
How would I do that? Just saying. I'm just saying. You could pull a really good prank. I'd have to, you know, the way that I would have to do it is I would have to like start inserting little inklings.
of health issues into our conversations just like on and off camera like i'll be like yeah like sometimes my heart just starts beating really really fast and like my left arm starts to hurt a little bit i don't know what that's about yeah weird yeah it's strange and then you'll be like you should get that checked out man and i'll be like oh but it like goes away in like a minute so it's like not a huge deal nothing too bad and then
on october is everything all right at home yeah we're fine we're fine we're on my relationship with the cat has been a little bit rocky recently really yeah it's a cat what what what is he doing that cannot be summed up to it's a cat what is what is this cat he had a scab on his eye he had a scab on his eye ted and he kept fucking clawing at it so we had an injury because
Yeah, he got himself fucked up and then he kept clawing at it and so the thing never fucking healed. And now he's climbing the tree. He's fucking climbing the tree now.
This is what he does. This is what he does. Yeah. I mean, I would have thought that when you bought a cat, you were like, oh, okay. I'm okay with all of the things that come with purchasing a cat. I do love him, but he's a fucking asshole. And he's ruined this tree and he's ruined another tree. And he ate all my magnets. Isn't there a thing where like tinsel is like toxic to cats?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it gets in there. It's not like toxic, like chemically. It's just like if they eat it, it'll fuck them up. I think it might be both. I don't know, though. I feel like they'd have made non-toxic tinsel by now. Man, I really wish I had a guy, a little cherub we kept around that could answer questions of these varieties to us. Questions that I wonder. Wait a second. We have a little cherub here.
His name is Tucker. Tucker, what's your information on this? On cherubs? No, on cats and swallowing tinsel. Oh, I mean, I don't think swallowing tinsel is good for any creature.
This is more of a personal opinion that you're offering us. This is the wisest thing. It's just like Tugger wasn't on Google looking it up. That's what it's going to change to. It's going to be Tugger first comes in with facts and reasoning, and then later on I'll be like, well, how many people died on the Titanic? And then Tugger will be like, well, I suppose it depends on whether or not they died honorably in battle. That's usually my determine of a real death. Otherwise, it's just perishing. Yeah.
What do you think of that? Do you like that route? Are you asking me or Shwet? I'm asking you. I'm speaking to you. Well, I thought you were kind of asking – I don't know. I take a lot of science courses. I thought I was able to just give my educated opinion. You think because you're taking science courses is that that puts you in a position to just kind of generally answer any question as long as you apply the scientific method? Well, no.
Well, yeah, that should go for anybody, really. But that question, you know, cats, tinsel, the digestive system. Wouldn't be good. Wouldn't be good for any creature, really.
So let me tell you what's up with Jambo. Yeah, give us a rundown. He had the scab on his eye, and he had to wear the cone for a while, and he was really upset about being in the cone. So the moment we took it off of him, he turned his asshole meter up to 50, and he's just been a fucking asshole. There's not even life behind his eyes right now because all he can think about is causing mayhem. Look at him.
He's not even thinking. There's not even that twinkle in his eyes anymore. Yeah, he looks like he's just like, I'm going to fucking murder everyone. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Yeah, and so he's climbing my trees, knocking shit. He's knocking shit off of things now. He's never done that before. I know, but that's like such a normal cat thing to do. But he does it every, he does so much now. So much now. It's like you bought Jambo under the pretense of it being like a small little child. And then like you're getting upset just upon discovering that this is in fact a cat and will act as such.
He bites my wires. He poops. Is this all new stuff? I got to clean his litter box now? All of a sudden, I got to clean his litter box? He starts making this noise randomly. He's like, meh. Like, what is that? Speak English. Talk to me. Use your words, Jambo. Exactly. He was able to before, but this whole incident with the cone is just, it's really ruined him. You know what I think you should do? What? I think you should go the bunny route.
See, I hit one of those last night with my car. Ran out. I was driving. Ran out. Keep going. It was like following my headlights for some reason. I was driving 45 in a 30, and it was nighttime. And so it just sprinted out real quick. And then I was like, uh-oh. So I moved a little bit, and then it course corrected itself and let me run it over.
So you basically had one of those things, you had a roadkill version of like walking by someone on the sidewalk and you both try to go one direction and you're like, oh, oh, oh, except that it resulted in its death. No, no, no, but it wasn't trying to avoid it. This fucking thing ran out and then we like locked eyes. We locked eyes and then I was like, I went a little bit to the left and it fucking, it like sidestepped.
Into the tire of my car. Dude, you know what that reminds me of? What? One time when I was visiting Tucker, he fucking obliterated a possum. He fucking sent a possum to hell. And it was all because of a delicious sandwich. Tucker. Yeah. Are you hooked in now? Are you hooked in? Does that interest you? I need to hear more about this. Ithaca, New York, 2021. Yeah.
No, wait, no, it was last year. 2022. Yeah, it was in April. April. Ithaca, New York, April 2022. It was night. I was visiting Ithaca for surprise, surprise, an acapella reunion. Oh yeah, you better believe it. And Tucker lives somewhat nearby. So he came into town.
And I decided to bring Tucker to this spot, I guess for, it doesn't really matter 'cause I don't live there anymore. So there's this spot in Ithaca, it's called the Rogan's Corner where you can get these really good sandwiches. It's called Danny Mart now, new company took over. It's fucked up, but they kept the sandwich that you really liked and it was called the Bomber because that's the mascot of Ithaca College, the Bombers, which I've always been confused about 'cause I'm like a B-52.
That's the coolest name for a fucking mascot of all time. It is, right? But I don't think it's an actual, like,
bombing airplane. I think it's like something like a person who bombs. I haven't really looked into it. Is there like an image? Is it a plane or like a guy with a big jacket on? It's a flying squirrel wearing an old plane airplane cap. Oh, okay. So honestly, yeah. So they still had to make it an animal. They just had to... This fucking flying squirrel served in World War II. He was dropping bombs on
on the fucking Nazi battalions. But there's a sandwich at this place. It's called the Bomber. It's really freaking good. It's like, I think it's got like roast beef in it. It's got fried chicken. It's got mozzarella. It's...
it's go oh and it's you know it's kind of like a chicken bacon ranch sandwich almost with buffalo sauce too it's real good so i'm i get one sandwich and i and i split it with tucker so he gets one half i get the other and tucker was not i mean he was not impressed with the existence of the sandwich
for a bit when I was telling about it. I was pitching it to him and he was like, man, I don't know. This is a gas station sandwich. You're like, what are you talking about? As if he's above a gas station sandwich. Right? You seen the guy? You seen the guy? He looks like a gas station sandwich and a condom. So basically...
We're driving down the road. Tucker's got one hand on the wheel, one hand on the sandwich. He takes a bite. And he... Tucker does this thing where when... If he eats something that, like, he really likes the flavor of, he'll do this thing where his eyes widen. And then he'll, like, hone in on the sandwich. And he'll start going, like...
Like he's like a rabid animal. What? It was definitely a job. Oh, absolutely. He starts jumping on that. It was jumping on the bomber. Yeah. But everybody knows the rules about jumping is jumping while driving is like, it's a dangerous situation. We pull out, we're sharing a sandwich. It's not like Ted has a half I've F we're switching off, but I had it in my, I had in my possession. It was good. I was jumping sandwich.
It was dark. It was completely nighttime out, so it's dark. And we're on. It's not a highway, but it's like two lanes on one side, two lanes on the other. It's a fast road. We're going, and this mother of a possum just comes trotting out. It might have been a mother, too, which makes it even more tragic. My headlights hit it. The thing's bright white. It's massive. It's like the size of a small dog. And I had one hand on the wheel.
One hand on the sandwich. The sandwich was going in. I didn't want to swerve to put Ted at risk.
So we hit it. We hit it hard. And it was like we didn't. I don't think I've ever looked at each other. I don't think I've ever been present for a roadkill incident either. So like when that was my first official roadkill, I feel like. Was it a violent impact? It was a solid thud. I mean, I went right under the wheel. Yeah. And we looked at each other and I went in for another bite.
and we didn't look back yeah and then we had to come back the next day yeah we had to come back was he there just it was so flat that i didn't even think it was the same one i was like do you think that possum was the one i hit yeah we had to guess we're like oh man uh obviously yeah it was like a fucking because it was one of those things where we hit it that night and we saw it the next morning meaning that there had to be several cars that had gone over oh
this area of the road so it was just a stain it was a stain on the road like just it was gone it was gone but you know we dealt the first blow and it was thanks to a delicious sandwich but yeah it's a core memory we're all murderers here good times i was sort of a bystander in my situation so maybe just you and you and tucker are murderers but maybe maybe but i would do it again
Because honestly, well, because it was... You were seeking the thrill? I don't know. There was something funny about it. I didn't have to... What? Don't look at me like that. The fucking rabbit ran out onto the road and then looked at me and then I veered a little bit and he went with me. It's not that you find it funny. It's that you're saying that there's something funny about it. Like you can't quite put your finger on what makes it funny. It was.
about it so you're gonna go out on the road in the next couple weeks and you're gonna be out seeking that thrill i'm not saying i'm not saying that if i saw another one on the road i would like try and it sounds like that's what you are saying you said i've i'll admit i have tried in the past but i'm not saying it's something i would like try like if i saw one tomorrow i wouldn't that was i was deeply troubled back then yeah
It sounds like you're pretty troubled right now saying that there was something funny about it and you're looking to do it again. I was just saying that if another rabbit runs out and he's looking me in the eye and I can see him and we see each other, and if I move to the right and he does a little sidestep and then if I move to the left and he comes back, I would hit him. Yeah.
I don't know if you would have a choice at that point. I feel like the momentum of the car is doing all the work for you there. You could stop the car, maybe. It depends how far he is away, but I'm saying it's clear that he's looking for it. Yeah, no, he's asking for it. That motherfucker was asking for it. I mean, come on. What do you imagine...
is going through a small animal's mind when they're like i'm gonna cross this this is a really flat rock that i need to cross and there is nothing else it was so fucking stupid man it was like one in the morning dead of night no one's on the road yeah stop it there was one time in in and this is actually another this is another like
almost road kill story but more like car crash story that could have happened but um and actually comes from another time that tucker and i were in the car where we went on our our road trip in 2016 where we were driving through i think north dakota and we were driving it was really really late and you know north dakota is mostly flat and farmland but then occasionally you'll find these little areas that are like wooded
um i don't know if it's from farmers planning it for snow drift or something like that but there's this one area on this highway that we're driving down and it's just all woods and tucker it's like one in the morning and tucker decides to slow down he's like i'm gonna slow down because you know i don't really know what's in here and lo and behold we're like driving and then like tucker starts slow down i'm like what and he's like
Look, there's a fucking deer in the middle of the road. So if we were just fucking sending it down that road, we would have just fucking slammed into the deer. They have a weird... It's like they're magnets, right?
Yeah. To the cars. They've got magnets in their eyes. Yeah. I came the closest I've ever come to hitting a deer last week when I was visiting home. It was like I was on the back road and it was dusk. It was coming into the road. And it was like it just kept coming. But it was staring me in the eye. Right. It got within...
Three feet of my car I slammed on my horn It did a 360 Took off into the woods It did a twirl like that and then ran It spun out
But it's like, what are they thinking? Dude, honestly, I feel like every deer thinks that it's a badass. I bet it's well known that cars are a thing in the deer community. And then every deer that has ever gotten hit is the cocky one that comes out. And them looking directly into the headlights is them just being like, reach for it. And they die every time. They're just playing chicken. They're like, I'm going to get close to this one. Yeah.
They never... They always underestimate it. Yeah, but I just feel like for an animal crossing that road, they're like this fucking tall. And it's just like, it's a big flat rock. That's all they know it is. It's like big flat rock and...
I have to, like, it stretches for all of my known life's area, which is maybe a square mile. And, like, it goes, it's a wall, and my whole family's on the other side. I have to cross this big rock, but death also lives here. That's pretty terrifying. I don't really, I don't know. Maybe I don't get it because I'm not a deer. You ever crossed a road before? What?
well i haven't seen like people you're getting really confused by this i don't get it we're am i supposed to be a deer what do you want you thinking about what do you mean what do you talk what is a long flat rock that made no fucking sense a road i'm just describing it from the perspective of an animal i'm not a fucking animal okay well if i was an animal i would not know what the fuck do you understand what's going on right now
Gambo, can I help you? Ted, the long flat rock thing doesn't make sense. What do you mean the long flat rock thing? I don't fucking get that. Ted, you're acting as if the animals are educated on natural things, but they don't know what the road is. But why wouldn't they know what a road is? Because they've lived here the same amount of time we have. The roads exist in their environment today, too. Yeah, you really fucked that up, bud. You sounded like an idiot, dude. Yeah.
What do you mean? I don't think that I sound like an idiot in this instance. No, it's an idiot's bed. It's a hard surface. They think that hard surface rock. Road is also made of rock. They don't know what rock is. They don't know what rock is. What's asphalt made of?
Asphalt? It's beside the point. Isn't that a specific mix? It's not just besides the point. You're acting like they go to school and they're like, okay, these are rocks, but that's flat rock. They don't know what flat means. Okay, they know what flat means. They don't have words for these things, man. Rabbits probably know what flat means. Rabbits don't know shit. That rabbit certainly didn't know much after I was done with him. Well, yeah, because he was going on the flat rock where death lives. He became one with it.
It became a conglomerate after that. How's that for a geology reference? That was good. I like that. I'll tell you one thing. If these rabbits had access to engineering skills and they built a ramp, they would be able to get themselves over the flat rock. We're moving on. 2023 is not the year of the fucking ramp, dude. It's the year of the ramp. I never want to hear another ramp reference. You know how Chinese New Year, they each have an animal you were born in the year of?
Everyone's, you know, they were ignoring that one. They got the rat. They got the tiger. They got the... They did not slide the ramp into this chart. There is the ramp. It's not very talked about, but it is the year. This 2023 is the year of the ramp. I don't know.
I don't think it is. And you know what? I think you're bullshitting me. Tucker, what is the year of? What is it the year of in the Chinese calendar? It might be the cat. Call of Duty had a notification yesterday when I turned it on.
Is it the year of the cat? Oh, I think it's the rabbit. Oh. Oh? Too soon. It's the year of the rabbit? That's awkward. What are the odds of that? Wasn't his year. Wait, so you're telling me that, was this last week this happened? This was two nights ago. Okay, so two nights ago, we're in January, the year's just started, and the first roadkill experience that you have was a rabbit in the year of the rabbit.
Yeah. Well, it was the first roadkill experience I've ever had. It was the first time I locked eyes with an animal and it willed it like made sure I hit it. It made sure I hit it. It was the strangest thing ever. Maybe that's... You just got an omen for the year. Maybe. But I would do it again. That's because it's a little funny. Something about it is funny. There is something a little funny about how it happened. And I didn't... I hit it and I was just like... It's okay. It's okay.
I don't think you're quite going to go to hell for that. No. I think you've got to do a little bit more to go to hell for something like that. Yeah. Maybe another time. Can I show you what I got for Christmas, Ted? Yeah, you can show me what you got. Is it a gun? No, my parents got this for me. Tell me what the fuck this is. What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? Do you know what it is? It looks like a doorstop. What?
Audio listeners, love you to death. That's showing like this cat that's like doing a big stretch. You know when a cat does that and you go, oh, big stretch. It's like tail is the size of an Empire State Building and... Looks like a bookend. Yeah. For the largest... Okay.
So that started jerking off the tail. I got it for Christmas. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. It looks like a doorstop. It could be a doorstop, right? Don't think it's a debt. I don't think it's a doorstop. What is it? Did they tell you what it is? No, they told you what it is. You opened it and they just stayed silent. They were like, you like it, honey? What is happening? What is happening right now?
Okay, it's not that funny. Are you done? You quite finished there, lad? Did they know how much of a kick you would get out of how phallic that cat's tail is? Yeah, no, I think that's funny. I think that's funny. I think that's pretty funny. Dude, stop meowing! Oh my God! Is that the only thing you got for Christmas? You get anything else?
What? Did you get anything else? Was this the only thing you got? You said you want to show me your Christmas gifts and you just showed that. Yeah. No, that's the only, that's the funny one. Okay. Um, I got this shirt. Yeah. Yeah. We saw that. We saw it. I just want to make sure everyone knew. Oh yeah. No, we got it. We got that. It was mine. Jambo. Um, is open brother. You, you can walk outside if you want to yet you stay here and you me out during my podcast.
That's what I'm talking about, man. He's being unruly. Is he not being a little unruly? I mean, he's a deeply disruptive cat, but I almost think that your choice to acknowledge him every time, though, is almost equally as disruptive. Well, he's disrupting me. He's disrupting me. He opens a door and you're like, Jammer, fuck you. That's true. I have overreacted a little bit for certain things, but he did. I did react. Does he flinch when you yell?
No, no, of course not. Because I'm not, I'm not a bad dad to him. Yeah. I don't, I don't fucking beat him or anything. That would be over the line. You kiss him pretty hard. Those kisses you're landing on, you're basically punching him with those kisses. No, no, no, no. What are your, what are your resolutions for this new year? You fucking bastard. I want to drink more.
Yeah. Because I've noticed, here's the thing. Like more water? Like you want to drink more water? No. Get more water in your, okay. I want to drink more alcohol. Oh, okay. But less each day, but more overall, if that makes sense. Because I enjoy life a lot more when I am under the influence. But when I'm too under the influence, things start to suck. You're trying to get into what we would call the slot. I'm trying to achieve flow state.
with liquor that's pretty does that make sense does that make sense you're trying to get into ultra instinct yeah yeah i don't know what that means but i think you're right and actually it's pretty funny not i i live mix drinks now you like you do live bartending yeah so you're trying to drink more this year yeah okay other than that do you have any uh oh fuck do you have any other ones
No, that's about it, actually. I have a couple plans for content. Yeah? Yeah. Anything you're going to reveal? I'm trying to... So I want to do more IRL stuff, actually. I think it'd be cool to kind of go out and do more things with more people and explore a little more in the IRL, like...
instead of just me sitting at my desk all the time. I think it'd be fun to get out and do some stuff. I really, really liked the Misfits Tasmania vlog where they just kind of went out and modded cars and just had some fucking fun. And it was like a two-hour long vlog. And they used copyrighted music and all that shit and made a lot of...
purposeful choices with how they did the video that I respected a lot. Stuff like that would be fun. I want to lean into the IRL stuff. Hopefully, I'm able to. But I don't know really where to start. I'd like to have some kind of narrative thing, like a theme or something in all of them that's not just like a Mr. Beast style. Hey, I...
did this crazy thing and that's it yeah that's kind of how i was with um the rainforest cafe video was that like you know obviously the the excess of it is is fun
And like gets views and like people are interested in that. But I don't think I would have done a video like, like I wouldn't have gone to like, oh, I'm going to every McDonald's. Well, honestly, that would have been totally impossible and would not be reasonable at all. But you never would have done that. But it was only because I have a history with the Rainforest Cafe that I was like, this is, this is a funny thing to do. So like, and there's the storyline came from that is the joy I had as a child and trying to save it.
Which is 100% how I feel still. I love the Rainforest Cafe. Is there another funky idea like that? And, you know, I know the commentary, they steal ideas a lot. So saying this might put you in danger. But is there anything you really want to do?
Well, I mean, I've got something in the slot right now that I'm discussing with various individuals of stuff that could be coming up. But you are right. Because that's the thing with commentary videos is they are, it's not like, people will make, we're not like reinventing the wheel here. Like it's pretty straightforward on what those videos are like. But I definitely do have some ideas that I'm pretty excited about. One thing I'm excited about is I'm working on merch.
I'm starting merch again because I haven't done merch in almost two years. Are you serious? Yeah. Holy fuck, man. I stopped because I was like, I'm going to figure out how to do it again, but cool. And then it took two years. Well, okay. I'll tell you what my resolutions are real quick. Okay. More big fun videos. That's something I'm excited about. More like projects. The other one is...
I wanna come back to streaming and I've talked to you about this. - Wow, I feel like we had that conversation a year ago too. - Well, we did. We were talking about, well, 'cause I, that's why, we were talking about how when I, when Chuckle Sandwich started, I stopped streaming. So I need to figure out how to like work on Chuckle Sandwich while also being able to stream is one of the things.
And then, oh yeah, merch, like having good merch and doing more merch. - You told me about your merch idea and I like it a lot. I don't know if you want to share that, but it's exciting. - I'll just say one thing to those who care about my channel and listen to Chuckle Sandwich. Another incorrect history is on the way. - What's it gonna be about? - Another incorrect history. Gonna be telling you guys, it's gonna be about truth because everything I say in those videos is true. I'm gonna be speaking real things that people have been overlooking for years.
It's going to be about food again. So that's what I'll say. But yeah, I mean, I'm excited for the new year. I'll tell you what. I don't know about you. I know you've been working on stuff in your IRL life on your own. But for me...
I had the hardest time. Okay, I need to address this. Did you just do what I think you just did? I just want you to take a shot of whiskey and then take a swig of lemon juice, pure lemon juice, 100% lemon juice, and then you did a squirt of simple syrup into your mouth after? Did you just make a fucking whiskey sour in your fucking gullet?
Listen, man, it's easier than getting out the mixer and the shaker and everything. I said I live mix stuff now.
i didn't know it was like that where you're like guys check this out and your mouth unhinges like a snake and you're throwing the ice like a pelican oh that just looked like i was jerking someone off right now close your mouth and click this and you're like shaking up the cocktail that's funny
No, it's not funny. It's alcoholism. It is alcoholism. I know that is a tragedy. I am going to keep... What's the term for when you are drunk and you don't want to get hung over so you keep drinking and you maintain that level of drunk so you never have to experience hangover? Oh, Tucker's got to have a word for this. Staying in the slot.
What? Staying in the slot. Staying in the slot. I don't know if that... No, like when you wake up the next morning and you do a little drink after. There's got to be a word you know for that, Tucker. I don't know a word. You either drink Pedialyte or you run it off. Run it off? Or hit the gym. Gym it off. Those are your two options. You either get the Pedialyte or you go work out or you do both. There's one...
No, those are the only two. Those are the only ones. There's, there's one solution I had read about. That's like kind of, cause that's how alcoholism starts is to like you, you drink the hangover away. Start finding solutions. You start finding solutions through the, through the problem. Um,
But there's one where it's like you get a fucking pint of a beer and you crack a raw egg into it and you just down that. That's one that I've read about online. Have you heard of this? No.
Neither of you heard this? Okay. If I was a little braver, I would put some egg white in my mouth with my concoction because that's what you're supposed to do. To make the whiskey sour, yeah. Yeah, I'd need to dry shake on the inside. Well, what you could get is you could get, if you're just trying to drink it, you could get one of those cartons of just pure egg whites. Oh, fuck. Okay. That would make it a little fucking gross. Yeah.
But to be fair, whiskey is gross and lemon juice is gross. And the only real happiness I get is from when the simple syrup hits. And now that I'm looking at it, there are many bugs in this bottle.
Wait, what? I thought you were looking at the nutrition facts. You were looking inside the bottle and there's bugs in it? Yeah, there's tiny little bugs that must have crawled in. Oh, you got fruit flies in there, dude. You've been squirting fruit flies and sugar into your mouth. That's so gross. I've been doing this all year. Dude. Dude. Dude.
So the visual is Schlatt putting the whiskey in and then putting the lemon juice in and then this syrup with bugs. You're having a fucking bug whiskey cocktail. Fuck. That's so gross. I literally just looked. That's fucking gross. There flies amongst that syrup. Can you show it to the camera? I want to see this. Can you see it? Oh, yeah. That's a lot, Schlatt.
I'm counting like five or six. There's buggies in there. There's buggies. That's a lot, dude. Dude, there's like eight in there. So New Year's resolution, check your sugar bottles for bugs. It totally makes sense that they'd be in there too. It totally makes sense. It does. That is one of the most disturbing things I've discovered all week. And a lot of fucked up shit has happened.
But it's also a little bit funny. There's something funny about it. There's something a little funny about it. There's something a little funny about you eating bugs. There's something a little funny about it. If I wasn't drunk and hadn't been drunk for like 48 hours straight, I'd be a little more upset. So what was your state like when you hit the rabbit? Were you also drunk then? Yeah, a little bit. All right. It's now time.
In our podcast. For everyone's favorite section. You guys write into us. In our little Google Doc. It is Chuckle Mail time. We don't have a musical riff for this yet. But assume that there's music. Ted, this isn't good. What? What's wrong? This shit's fucking me up. I'm going to vomit. Really? Chuckle Mail. Chuckle Mail. Okay. Okay.
Alright, the first question is, what would you do if you found out your friend genuinely enjoyed eating Purina moist and meaty dog food? Leave him. Leave him in the fucking dust.
Kick that fucker to the curb and say, see you later. Who is this from? Who's our caller? No name on this one. No name. Anonymous. This is interesting. So he's the friend. He's asking for a friend. It's him. It's him. That's going to be the theme. That's going to be the theme. You don't put your name and you just leave it anonymous. We assume you did the thing. Yeah, so this person's eating Purina. What was the brand? It was very specific on Purina.
Purina, moist and meaty dog food. Moist and meaty. Okay. Well, at least they have a good choice. Oh, my fucking God. It's starting to hit me that I've been swallowing bugs all
You've been swallowing bugs. At least you weren't eating fucking Purina dog food. What the fuck? So what do you do if your friend's been doing that? I guess, like, if... I imagine it's a situation where you're, like, catching them in, like, a closet just with a handful of the Purina dog food and they're, like, kind of looking like Gollum. That's sort of what I'm thinking in my head. How about thinking like this? You go to... You know, we go to our hometown. We go to grab Moses. We walk in and...
And next to his desk, there's a can of dog food with a spoon in it. And he doesn't want a dog. Now, what's your next move? The first thing I say, I go, what's that? What's that there, Moses? And he'd be like, well, Moses... It's funny that you're putting it in the context of Moses. For those of you who don't know who Moses is, he was in a lot of earlier videos on my channel, and he's a close friend of Tucker and I's. Moses would probably say, like,
Oh, you know, I'm thinking about getting a dog and I'm going to... I think I'm going to be like... I want to make sure that the dog's eating the right stuff because some of this food that there's dogs eat today is bad. So I'm going to... I'm trying the food and...
Yeah, I'm just making sure the dog is safe. Because that's the guy that can tell the different pH levels in water. Yeah, that is Moses. From that, what water is the best water video? That classic one. How good is water? That's a classic Ted Nelson channel video. I can totally see him doing that. But if it's any normal person, and they don't have a dog, and they've got dog food out, that's weird. And I think that's...
I think that's grounds to end the relationship. Yeah. I'd say that. Unless you get a really compelling explanation to what the heck is going on here. You like, cause then it's going to be like,
If you're eating dog food all the time, that's got to be some smelly breath. That's got to be worse than eating garlic or tuna. That's got to be like, because I don't know what they're putting in dog food, but you smell a thing of, have you ever smelled? Because you know what? You know what's a good example? What? Cat food. That cat. Remember that cat food that Megs took a fucking handful of and shoved it in her mouth on that stream? That was, I was gagging.
I was gagging at the smell of that. Yeah, it was really bad. No, it was rancid. I could have sworn that that cat food could have been rancid cat food. It was inspired cat food. But I imagine your breath smelling like that all the time. Pet food.
No, no. That'd be bad. And I think you should drop this person immediately. Drop this person. Cut off like ghost, ghost. Cut off all content. Oh yeah, ghosting is a good option too. Yeah, just like. Let them think. Was it the dog food? Like really, really make them like, make them wonder if that's what it was, you know? Allow them to be haunted by this experience, by this falling out.
What else we got, Tucker? This one is from Swaggy Funky, and it is, My father has a habit of eating a bulk amount of American cheese in the middle of the night and will sometimes even eat half a package of Kraft Singles in one sitting. Singles? How do I stop the cheese midnight menace? Please help me. The cheesy midnight menace.
I think there are way more acceptable cheeses to eat at midnight. I am no stranger to the midnight trips to the fridge. And let's be honest, I'm up at midnight. So these are like 4 a.m. trips when I'm waking up and I'm quite famished and ravenous. And I'll walk over to the fridge and
And I'll say it. I'll completely admit to this. We got a bag of shredded. We got a bag of shredded moots. I open that shit up. I will take the shredded cheese out of the package and stuff that shit in my mouth. I'll eat half a fucking bag of that shit if I want to. And you know what? The cheese sticks to the cheese sticks to the moots. Much is a great late night snack.
but americans so fucking american cheese you're fucking psychotic it took me like two usages of you saying what's to know what the fuck you were even talking about but yes i agree the moots is good the moots are you speaking in terms of actually like the moots like you you're eating mozzarella yeah
Okay. Yeah, I mean shredded mutts out of the bag. Okay, yeah. And I'll do that any fucking day of the week. I will gladly admit that. I like how our response right now is just basically in support for this father, the midnight menace. Yeah. Here's the thing.
The Kraft singles aspect of it is especially upsetting. Yeah, that is upsetting. Don't get me wrong, though. Ted, you have to unwrap every single one of those. You're right. He's making a choice every time he has an additional one. He's eaten half the bag of Kraft singles. He is personally, one by one, unwrapping the plastic on every single one in the...
That's fucked up. That's really fucked up. And it's a waste. I wouldn't say that the Kraft singles itself, though, as a brand, can be discounted, though. Because...
I have Kraft Singles in my fridge right now because there's something about Kraft Singles that go excellent in a grilled cheese. I think it's because it melts so fast. 100%. Kraft Singles melt faster than most. There's a very specific thing I know you're talking about. There's a specific property of the Singles that make it very easy to cook. It needs to have a gooeyness that traps itself. You've got to work to get it out of your mouth. It's...
but yeah it's a little bit cummy when it gets melted huh it's a little bit cummy and i know that from experience but look the nighttime individual piece eating of craft singles is actually psychotic shit and i wouldn't be surprised if your dad kills you in the middle of the night and everyone in your family and then takes himself out yeah afterwards what you could do that's a good strategy is you can your dad is gonna replace the cheese you what
replace the cheese with a better less psychotic cheese to eat at night okay swap out the singles put them in the trash put some shredded mutts in there or the cheese sticks in there the mutts cheese sticks or some pepper jack pepper jack is another incredible option i think that we should be we should um
- I want to express some caution here though, Schlatt, because I imagine that removing the cheese from the cheese monster of the night, of the midnight, would be similar to hiding alcohol from an alcoholic. - Well, think of it like this. - Rampage. - Say the alcoholic, no, no, because think of it like this. Say you got someone who's really into whiskey. They really love wild turkey bourbon, for example. And I'm gonna spice the good stuff.
And say they really like... What do they like? Are they drinking the whiskeys? They like the whiskey. They want to get drunk. This dude wants to eat cheese at night. He's fucking hungry. He wants cheese. He doesn't need the singles. The singles are there. So switch him out for a less...
fucking crazy liquor or a cheese. If there's vodka in the drawer, I'm still getting up at 4 a.m. and I'm still drinking that shit because I get the same result. I'm sort of realizing something right now that I think needs to be mentioned. I don't think the problem is the brand of cheese, though. I think it's the fact that his father is getting up and eating half a thing of cheese at midnight. Nothing wrong with that. Then why'd they mention the brand?
The Kraft singles are the weird part about this. And you know it deep down. You know. I feel like maybe I'm just a Kraft singles apologist. No fucking sane man is going to unwrap 30 slices of Kraft singles and eat them all. There's not 30 in a pack. Okay, but. Yeah, there are. It's 50. Yeah, no, this is pretty fucked up. Yeah, you should like, if you don't nip this in the bud, Swaggy Daddy, what was his name? Swaggy Peggy.
Swaggy Funky, I think. Oh, Swaggy Funky. Yeah, Swaggy Funky. Swaggy Funky, if you don't nip this in the bud ASAP,
Rocky then you are going to be wake up one night and your father is going to have wielded and he's gonna stand over you with a knife made out of all the rappers Harden rappers of every craft single he's ever eaten and he's going to stab you he's going to stab you over and over again until you start bleeding out and you say why and then he's gonna start shoving craft singles in the in the in the knife wounds that he's put in your chest and he's gonna start
Yeah, no, it's going to continue from there, and then you're going to die. Yeah, it's just not going to be good. Not going to be good. Switch out the cheese. He can still continue the cheese hat. I don't think it's that bad, but the Kraft single shit is fucked up in that psychotic behavior. Yeah. This question is from Vojin from Serbia, and it's very personal. It is, who is the biggest weeb in the group and why? Probably me. I don't think... I don't really know how much anime you watch. None. None.
Yeah, I guess me either. None. I watched Naruto and I got through half the Chunin exam where Naruto did the sexy jutsu and I was feeling something so I stopped watching. Yeah, you had to avoid. That's funny. You had to avoid.
I went out to Barnes & Noble and I got a leather-wrapped Bible after that. You could feel yourself going through a metamorphosis that you did not want to have and you took a different direction in your life after that.
I did. And, you know, I've watched a couple episodes of Naruto. I feel like you've said this before. You watched Naruto right up until the point that Naruto did the sexy jutsu. And then you... I've sworn off of that kind of media since then. I've watched a little bit of Bakugan in fifth grade. And I watched a little bit of Pokemon when it was on on Cartoon Network. But I never followed along the story because, you know, how that works. And then, yeah, it's really it. It's really it. I've definitely watched...
A lot of animes. I was watching this other show on Netflix, Vinland Saga. It's about Vikings, but it's anime. Yeah, I watch a lot of animes. Animes are really fun to watch when you're high. Really fun to watch when you're high. Not on your couch, dude. What? Not on your couch. Not on that uncomfy, crusty-ass couch, son. Dude, honestly, when you're high, though, like the couch, oh, it doesn't matter.
No, dude, it compounds. Trust me, I've been in that spot. Yeah. On that couch. High.
Getting pissed. It's not a good couch. Getting pissed? Can you feel your rage building? You're sitting there constantly changing positions. Constantly. And you're going, Ted's got so much fucking money. And we're sitting on a dentist's waiting room couch. Ted, get a new couch, man. Get a new couch. That's actually something I was saying when it was my birthday. I turned 25, by the way. Yeah.
Oh, happy birthday. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was something I was actually thinking. I should get a new couch for my... I should treat myself to a new couch. That's your New Year's resolution. Yeah. That's the thing about New Year's resolutions. I feel like if you make them real easy for yourself, then you can tell everyone, I already... Like, just do shit like by March. Like, have it done by March. You start saying to people, I already did my New Year's resolutions. Yeah.
Like everyone in March has already forgotten that New Year's evolutions are a thing until like, yeah, until like December 28th is when people remember about them. Yeah. So they're gonna be like, what?
Yeah, I mean, my main thing with anime, to finish this whole podcast up and wrap it up in a nice little bow for next Christmas, is that whenever you talk about animes, people are always like, oh, you've got to watch the original with subtitles, you know? Because the dubs often aren't good or something like that. I do get annoyed by the dubs. Like, listening to them talk...
Yeah. And so, and so like I watched Naruto, Naruto was the dub admittedly, but I have tried here and there to watch stuff in Japanese and with the subtitles. And my problem is, I don't know if this is unlike anybody else, but when there are subtitles on, I will only look at the words. I only look at the words, even if the audio is in English, right?
Even if they're saying shit in English and it's just the subtitles are on, I'll only fucking look at the words, man.
I only look at the words. So you find the subtitles are so deeply distracting that you can't do anything but read? I don't know, but whenever there are subtitles in the bottom, like a lower third of subtitles, I only fucking look at those, and I have to picture what is going on in the other 90% of the screen. Is this just me? Well, it's actually my mom, too. Really? Yeah. My mom always bitches about this, but she's in her 50s, and Schlatt's not.
Okay, man. Fuck off. Is this an old person thing? My father-in-law is the same way. Turn off the text! Well, it's just one of those things where it's like I would imagine when you're looking at a thing with subtitles, you're like looking up and down. You're not traveling that far of a distance with your eyes. I know. I understand this. I understand this, but my brain does not. It is never like, hey...
Go back and forth. No. Even if it's English, even if I can hear everything perfectly, I will only look at the fucking text. It pisses me off. Fuck you, by the way. Okay, well, Schlatt,
What? I wish you help in the new year on how to deal with subtitles because... I got a bunch of problems to work through, I think. That's like a base. That's a foundational skill. I feel like there's other people who have this problem. I feel like I'm not the only one. Yeah, I suppose. Yeah, yeah. I suppose I shouldn't hit you too hard about it because I'm sure there's some sort of thing there that... I'm not alone.
That's, I'm the weeb and Shled is not because he can't read. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Choco Sandwich. Follow us. Like us. Say something else. Please like me. Please love me. Please love us. We love you. Hey, Ted. Hey.
what the fuck is it what is it what is this