Our Biggest Scandal
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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another fabulous episode of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Welcome. We're here. I'm Ted. We got Schlatt and Charlie. Whoa. What do you want, Ted? What do you want today? I see that you guys are, uh...

You guys are doing the standing desk thing again, huh? God, I just feel so limber. I feel like I could do anything. I feel like I could climb Mount Everest. Really? And you know what? I think I might. If you were a weapon or a sandwich, dare I say, were to come flying out of my screen towards my head, I have no doubt...

That's a very... That's a very, very fair point, Charlie. Or a slug. Or maybe a slug. You are a little bit of a pseudopod. I was taking a lot of what you guys said to me the other day to heart a little bit.

All right, you guys were doing a little bit of bullying. How many times are you gonna be out?

For our audio listeners, love you to death. Schlatt is yelling at his cat Jambo for being a little bastard. But you guys... Ted purrs in recordings and we have to cut it all out. We have to get our editor to cut it all out because it's so gross and repulsive. This fucking cat is going to give me an aneurysm, bro. I got into the... I was setting up the audio and I opened the door to put my cheese and crackers away because I love me some Wheat Dins and Pepper Jack cheese. Right. And he somehow opened...

opened one of the cabinet drawers that he knows I keep the cat food in, somehow pulled the bag down, a full bag of it. Heavy, heavy, like twice his weight. Can you imagine how much damage that cat would do if he got opposable thumbs? And bit a hole into it and started just...

chowing down on the stuff. I feel like he does this every week. And now I close the door and I close the door and every week there's something else he gets into. So is it his fault even? It's ridiculous. It's not his fault. I don't know. I don't know whose fault it is. It's nobody's fault. Well, I think it's Ted's fault for sitting down. I think it's Ted's fault. This is clearly a standing up podcast. For sitting down. I'm glad you mentioned that, Charlie, because I actually had something to mention about that because you guys have been bullying me about this standing desk for the longest time.

About me in smoggy Los Angeles. Well, that's another problem we have with you. I realized something about smoggy Los Angeles and toxic waste. Because you ever notice how all of the best world superheroes, the heroes of the story, always have to deal with the toxic waste? They get their powers from the smog, one might say. Okay, smog man. Well, let me introduce you to this.

My friend. He's about to cough up blood and say it's a superpower? Look at the phlegm I've been building. What? Behold! Look at the color of my lungs. Wait, what the hell? Behold, boys! I feel like I'm getting smaller! I feel like I'm getting smaller! Jesus Christ! Welcome to the big show! What the hell?

Yo, boy! I don't like this! I got a standing desk. He got a standing desk. Quiver in fear, other members of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast, for this is my red Ted redemption. You cryptid! Or I. He's done it. What's going on? He's walking around! He's walking around! I can dodge. I can move however I want. He's so whimper. He's so agile. It feels so good. It feels so good to stand.

And I'm glad to say that there is no more sitters on the chuckle sandwich podcast. - Atta boy, Ted. Let's fucking go dude. - Let's go. - Oh man. It feels good for you to, it doesn't feel good for you to take your friends, Shalette and Charlie's advice on things. Maybe next time you get the fuck out of that hell hole and you come live with us. - Hey guys, how's the weather up here?

Oh, man, I do love a good quip. If you're listening to this podcast right now and you're sitting down, I recommend you stand the fuck up because this is now a standing only podcast. That's true. That's true. Sinners are sinners. That's what we say here. To be honest, though, it took a lot in me to not reveal to you guys earlier that I had got a standing desk. Yeah, you actually asked us what brand of desk we had as if you were planning

on getting one after the show. I was texting Schlatt and I was like, how do you have your desk set up? Because I was trying to figure out how to get this properly set up. But I did get an uplift desk, Schlatt. I've got an L uplift desk. Excellent. You're a sneak. Excellent. I'm a little bit of a sneak. I thought it would be a little bit of a plot twist on the storyline of this podcast.

But welcome, ladies and gentlemen. We're back for another week. It's gotten worse, as we all know. And when things get worse... Just in general, okay, that's fair. Just in general, the vibe, it's just been taking a nosedive this whole time. But speaking of nosedives, I thought it would be sort of a fun little...

thing to talk about on the podcast. I mean, you know, as internet influencers, we've seen our fair share of scandals across the world wide web. But those schmucks... Certainly. Those schmucks in Hollywood, they don't get enough credit for all the shit that they go through. Those schmucks... There's people across the world that have scandals. So we decided to scour the web a little bit and just sort of chat about...

Scandals. Celebrity scandals, I suppose. First of all, Ted, what is a scandal? Oh, well, you know, Schlatt, I don't have that definition on me, but I think Charlie looked it up. I did earlier, but I forgot and I'll do it again. He will do it again.

I will do it again. This is, it's not a scandal yet. Okay. Okay. An action or event regarded as morally or legally wrong and causing general public outrage. So genuinely, most of the things that Ted has gone on record and said and done on this show would be classified by, you know, the Oxford English Dictionary as a scandal.

Pretty much everything I've done on this podcast could be classified by the government as a DEFCON 1 threat. Code black. Yes, indeed. A code black scandal. But Schlatt, you were about to give a little example of...

Yeah, the podcast. The podcast. Oh, yeah. We have been moving up the ranks. How's this for a scandal? We've been moving up the ranks of the podcast world. Recently, who is it that we passed? Who did we pass recently? Ben Shapiro. If any of you Shapirians are watching this right now, he's gone. He's gone. He's gone. Why was he on the top of

He was on the top of, he was not on comedy. I thought we passed him in comedy. And I was like, honestly, thank God. There's one more thing between Ben Shapiro and the number one comedy. We, we passed him on the, on the top USA top podcast. He was number 16. And I think we were like number 18 or something like that. We had just passed.

Schlatt's very good friend Obama and who had a pod he has a podcast for some reason with Bruce Springsteen it's Bruce Springsteen and Obama talking about like America I guess well we pass them and people care less about that about the previous president of the free world and one of the most popular musicians of all time

And they care about us fucking assholes just sitting here with our... Or standing here. I'm the meat. Standing here. Look, I hope they use some podcast time to talk about that time Bruce got arrested for DUI recently. But they pardoned him because he was Bruce Springsteen. Oh, that's an alert noise right there I'm hearing in the distance. Is that a scandal you're speaking of, Shlatt? It is a bit of a scandal. I mean, I'm pretty sure the cop...

The cop was like, "You're, hold on, you're driving drunk, but you're Bruce Springsteen." I feel like that's- Maybe, maybe you can do like an album about it? Anyway, get on your way. Can you sign my police cruiser? He just has a bucket of car pain with him. He's like, "Oh, I have this for my specific-" If he's getting into a car drunk, he's like, "Give me my car pain." What the fuck are you doing? Jambo! What is Jambo doing?

Schlatt's just looking around everywhere, so confused. He's in between! He's in between the curtain and the window! It's funny watching Schlatt be so- Ow! What is he standing on? Now this is a scandal! Now this is a scandal! Get out of there, man! He's standing on the edge of the window and the, uh... It's such a slim thing to stand on. But speaking of this visual... Stop!

This visual problem that we're having with Schlatt. Scott, just mute him out while I talk. Speaking of this visual problem, I mean, in this case, I would normally say audio listeners love you to death. And we do. And we love you to death so much that we got to the number 15 U.S. broadcast spot and the number four comedy podcast spot. Schlatt literally looks like an emo man right now. He got rid of his anime headband.

But, uh, yeah, I mean, I suppose we should just start on some of these, uh, some of these, these fucking... Celebrity scandals. What do you guys think? Celebrity scandals. Schlatt, say something emo. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. You could cut ties with all the lies you've been living in.

And if you do not want to see me again, I will understand. Audio listeners, I'll fuck you.

By the way, we're both quitting the podcast. That's the way of releasing it. We're done. We're actually done with the podcast. Oh, yeah. I'm just devastated with how fucking annoying my cat has been this episode. Yeah. Yeah, your cat always seems to have one thing that you need to yell at him about. And...

Yeah, last week it was, I caught him watching Ben, and I told him, listen, bud, you're not going to have much more time if you... Ben? Ben Shapiro. Oh. Yeah. No! No! Yes, and then I was like, okay, we have to beat Ben, which is why half the podcast...

Half of what the podcast is now is just us talking about how good the podcast is. I've noticed that maybe you guys should stop bringing it up in the charts because every time we actually move a spot, it's all we talk about for an hour or

And then it leads to us gaining or, or we lose a spot in another spot. And then we just talk about that. So for the love of God, I know it's been going downhill since the beginning. Just make it stop. Yeah. It's going downhill, but the gravity has been reversed. I also think that we should probably, uh,

Not even talk about it because we need the advantage of being the underdogs here. All right, even if we're at the top of our game We got to pretend that we're underdogs that way we can we can we can bring the people on our side What's what's Bruce Springsteen?

How do I use a computer? Yeah, who is Bruce Springsteen? I don't know a dang thing. I'm just a... We're just three Charmin pieces of a sandwich. We don't know... How did we get here? This is so crazy. Oh my gosh, this is so crazy. I love driving under the influence. This is like iCarly.

We're like iCarly. But you guys want to hop into these celebrity things now, though? I'm going to get a DUI. Yeah, let's do it. Let's get into the scandals, Ted. Come on. All right. So this one, I think that Schlatt will really enjoy. Come on, Ted. Put them up. Let's get into the scandals. I think that this one, Schlatt, will really, really enjoy. I found a lot of these from Reddit. It was a... There's a bunch of posts on Reddit, and they're like, what's the most ridiculous sort of celebrity scandal that's happened that you're aware of?

And there's this one musician, Sinead O'Connor, and she angered millions during her performance on Saturday Night Live in which she tore up a photo of the Pope on live television. Why? Wait, was it Francis or Benedict? This matters. Um...

I've got the Wikipedia page up here. This was on October 1992, so I'm sure it was Benedict. It was Benedict. But she sang an acapella version of Bob Marley's War, which she intended as a protest against that sexual abuse thing with children in the Catholic Church, referring to child abuse rather than racism.

And then she then presented a photo of Pope John Paul II to the camera while singing the word evil, after which she tore the photo into pieces, said fight the real enemy, and threw the pieces towards the camera. I reckon Schlatt could do that. I'll do it with this guy. Where did he go? What? Where'd the...

The fucking cat knocked him down. That was really great. For our audio listeners, love you to death. The shot has a thing of Pope Francis in the background. And as we literally turned our attention to it, it had disappeared. I'm going to have an aneurysm and die live. Hey, wait, wait, wait, guys. This is a scandal. Your cat just did that to Pope Francis. To the Pope, bud. To the Pope. What the fuck it is?

Jumbo! Jumbo! God, come on up. God wants to see you. He's the number one direction to God. Doesn't the Pope speak directly to Jesus? No, the Pope speaks Italian. Oh.

Which is a little higher. And next thing you know, next thing you know, if your cat keeps doing that, dude, eventually he's going to end up on SNL and there's going to be no saving him. Oh my God. Dude, what's going to happen when my cat gets on SNL? I don't know. Apparently though, the, like the Saturday Night Live as a company, they had no $4. What the fuck? Francis, no! Oh my God. That's, that's.

I might have to do the rest of this podcast sitting down, guys. My blood pressure is rising. And Pope Francis is falling. My blood pressure is rising! Hey, Francis, calm down! There it goes! That is so funny. Jambo's letting his opinions of the church be very well known. If anything, I think Jambo relates heavily to Sinead O'Connor on ripping up photos of the Pope. He's trying to knock down the life-size...

the life-size cardboard cutout of Pope Francis. - I was gonna get a DUI. - Oh my God. - But apparently for this ripping up of the Pope thing, Saturday Night Live had no foreknowledge of the plan. And during the dress rehearsal, she like held up a photo of a refugee child and then they switched it out later.

A little bait and switch. And it says here on Wikipedia, NBC vice president of late night, Rick Ludwin, recalled that when he saw O'Connor's action, he literally jumped out of his chair. SNL writer Paul Rappel recalled personnel in the control booth discussed the cameras cutting away. The audience was completely silent with no booing or applause. Ha ha ha!

Executive producer Lorne Michaels recalled that the air went out of the studio. He ordered that the applause sign not be used. On SNL, that's a big deal. Yeah. They need people to laugh. SNL's been having... Maybe this marked the downfall of the show. Right here? You ever think about that? And then it ended with Elon Musk coming on as Wario? Maybe Pope John Paul II put a little hex on the show and then it ended up, you know,

three decades later, now we got Elon Musk being a little bit of a Eldritch Italian. Yeah. Cursed it up a little. The, the, it's probably the most ridiculous thing about this year so far. I mean, besides the fucking pandemic, we don't care about that anymore. It's a fucking pandemic. Um,

is the one of the like, I'm pretty sure he is currently the richest man in the world. And he went on a comedy live show dressed up as Wario and his wife was Peach and gave Peach an Italian accent. What is the context? What was the bit?

- The bit? - Yeah, like what was- - Wario was just- I don't even know why Wario was there. I'm not gonna lie, I was very drunk when I watched it and I still did not enjoy it. - So I know Elon Musk is stressed up as Wario, but what was the joke specifically? - It was like they were in a courtroom

And they were... Okay. It was like a sexual assault case or something like that against... Okay, this is... I don't even know. It was like something really sexual based. This is nothing so far. This is nothing. It was in a courtroom and the lawyer used evidence of like a picture of Luigi with like a giant cock with his dick blurred out. What the fuck? Yeah. I'm skipping... Okay, so this... That's comedy. This...

sketch is called Wario SNL. That's it. That's it. It's I'm so perplexed as to what's happening. Wait till you hear about Gen Z hospital, which was the first sketch, uh, about some, one, one of their friends had like a very bad accident and was dying. And they're all gathered around the, uh, the hospital waiting room being like, I don't know if besties going to make it.

I hope Bestie doesn't die. And then Elon Musk, I'm just fucking cringing for like a minute straight. And then Elon comes out with the fucking full beard and he's like, yeah, what I'm about to say might be a little bit cringe.

And I lost it. That is absurd. And here's the thing. I think most of the Saturday Night Live writers, they have like a week to put together a show. Yeah. This is their job. This is all they do. Yeah. What ideas could possibly have come before and been deleted before Wario SNL?

I think their main problem there was that they were making it seem like the funny part was just the fact that they knew how to say bestie when in reality they should have made the bit them trying like how little they understood of the Gen Z humor and like using it in wrong situations or something like that.

But it's always tough when it's... That's probably the same thing as, like, millennials are eating too much avocado toast. They're ruining the industry. But, yeah, that's my...

Siniano Conner ripped up a picture of the Pope. Jambo hates the Pope. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. How about that? Don't rip up a picture of the Pope. Don't rip up the Pope. Jambo has been absolutely killing this cardboard cutout. He's going right back, right? Look, I mean, he's just going to go under it again. He's not done.

He's not done. I mean, if you think about it, it is a vertical. It's pretty much a vertical version of a cardboard box. So, I mean, I feel like cats are generally attracted to cardboard. Yeah, but he's not a box guy. He's not a box guy. He doesn't really like the boxes. Really? And he isn't a God guy either. He's not a God guy either. Hardcore atheist. I saw him watching TJ Kirk the other day. How often do you just run into your cat watching shows? Does he have his own little living room? He does.

He consumes media. Like he watches TV? Like he's like the kind of animal that he'll watch it and he'll pay attention? Yeah, he'll pay attention. He'll pay attention. That's pretty funny. He consumes a lot of things. He consumes a lot of things. Including, it looks like maybe the Pope. Oh, he's on the run. The Pope's fucking moving now. He has now completely flattened the Pope.

Flat Stanley. Do you guys have any any now he's gonna start meowing again because I do have a couple scandals I compiled Besides this one. Let's see. I look I got one. How's this Tiger Woods? You know the famous golfer? I do know the famous golfer never when he cheated on his wife and then crashed his car into a fucking traffic pole That sounds a little under weren't those separated by like ten years cuz he got recently with the traffic pole

Yeah, he crashed his Escalade into a tree. Yeah. Drunk driving. I bet he got it from his buddy Spruce Springs... Spruce... Spruce Planks. Minecraft. Spruce Man. Spruce Man. Spruce Minecraft. Spruce Minecraft. Yeah, Spruce Man and Pine Boy. What was the actual situation with Tiger Woods when he...

Wasn't he with like 10 women? Yeah, probably. You could say anything you want about Tiger Woods, and I would agree with you. Tiger Woods is a really good looking man. Yeah? Yeah. Do you agree? Do you agree with that? But, Carl, you've got one? Yeah, I wish I could build off this Tiger Woods thing, but I remember- I'll build off of it. Okay. I got another automotive thing. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that guy from Fast and Furious, Paul Walker? Let it all out.

Uh-oh. Yeah, of course I do. When he crashed his car into a telephone pole? Yeah, it was terrible. Less of a scandal, more of a tragedy. More of a tragedy, to say the least. So is that the full... I just want to confirm if that was the full thought. That's the full thought. Okay, very good, Schlatt. Let's go ahead and move on. Well, I mean, hey, isn't it supposed to be about, like, public outrage? Weren't people upset? Isn't that outrage? I mean, I...

Everyone JFK got shot. Are they, are they mad? They were mad at Paul Walker. You're saying that they were mad at Paul Walker because he died in a car crash? It needs to be an action or event regarded as morally or legally wrong. So,

Mad at the guy who was driving? I guess the telephone pole was morally wrong. Yes. Yeah. There we go. There we got something. But here's another one. Here's another one where I think we can all agree someone was in the wrong here. Ellen DeGeneres. Hold on. Before we go any further, please allow us to fulfill a contractual obligation.

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Until not? Until... Hello? Until truth? Well, she... As far as I know of that story, it was like, Ellen, she's this... Oh, she's a wonderful personality on TV. She loves to give away cars to people that are famous already online. Yes. And...

And little kids that like, if there's a kid online, he's like, I love peanut butter cups. And then like shits himself. He's going on Ellen and Ellen's going to reveal behind the- Here's a peanut butter car. Yeah. Here's a peanut butter car with a toilet built into it. And a signed picture of the Pope in shotgun. Wait, kid, don't rip that up on live television. No, no, no. Then they go backstage and Ellen grabs her whip.

And then things really start getting bad. The fangs come out. She goes and she does a...

I'm Ellen DeGeneres. Damn, Daniel. For context for people, Ellen DeGeneres came out as being an absolute nightmare behind the scenes. Did she whip people? No, maybe not. Maybe not? Maybe not. Maybe she didn't actually literally whip people. There's a lot of hellish screams in the background. Ellen wouldn't do that. I just want to emphasize. Ellen wouldn't do that. Did she specifically whip people? No, but...

What I imagined in my mind was that sort of after the cameras cut off and it's like, all right, that's a wrap on this episode of Ellen DeGeneres. All the PAs line up and she kind of like chalks up her hands and then she goes and she does a full Nelson on every single one of the PAs before she leaves. Last one hands her a coffee as they pass out.

Live studio audience, not for long. Crys or knuckles. And just jumps right in. Here's the thing. You think you know a guy, you know? You think you know a guy. Girl, Bruce Springsteen. Bruce Springsteen. Tommy's going to be in shambles once he finds out about it. That's true. I don't know if he knows. I don't know if he knows. I don't think we told him. I'm surprised I didn't tell him on the episode of the podcast where...

Tommy was like, Bruce Springsteen is my idol. You know, I would be surprised too if you didn't, but I think he did, Schlatt. I think he definitely did mention that. But Tommy, I think it got lost in the sauce. It may have been filtered. Yeah. He's just being Tommy. He's got 10 billion neurons firing at the same exact second.

It's too much input. One neuron added for each subscriber. It just keeps going up. Constant signals. I have this one that I found from Reddit. It's about this guy named Johan Jack Unterweger. Unterweger? Exactly. At one point, he became a minor celebrity and worked as a playwright and journalist. But the main story is basically this guy, Jack, he murders a woman.

He goes to prison and he becomes a very successful author in prison. So he's like, he's basically, he wrote short stories, he wrote poems, plays and autobiography. And then he basically has this whole thing where he's convincing the world that he's like changed. And he gets a celebrity fan club that helps him like get out on parole.

No way. This is going where I think it's going. No way. So it's what it says. In 1985, a campaign to pardon and release Unterweger from prison began. It looks like writers, artists, journalists, and politicians agitated for a pardon, including the author of like a 2004 Nobel Prize winner. Oh my God. And then he gets released and then...

He fucking starts killing again. He goes on a serial murder spree. You're kidding me. Murderer? He starts a serial murder spree. And an author. On two continents while simultaneously reporting on those exact murders for the radio. That's crazy. Yeah. See, that just goes to show you, man, you can build a thousand bridges and suck one dick.

And you'll die a dick sucker. That's... You know? You can write a thousand stories and kill one dude. And kill... And kill one dude. So many people. And kill... And you still die a murderer. Isn't it funny how that works, guys? Given all of these scandals that people run into over time... Run into...

You know, people just kind of run... It can't be helped. I killed someone. I just ran into doing it. Well, I don't know how to stop myself. I'm a guy. I'm just a man on a journey killing women all the time. I sort of thought about, you know...

What if we were to get into a scandal, guys? If we haven't already, there may- I- let's see if there's- I wonder if we have gotten into any scandals. No, no, no. We don't have any scandals. You don't have any scandals? Everybody loves us. Everybody loves you? Um, but I thought, you know, why don't we just go off the cuff? Why don't we just kind of figure out our most- the most ridiculous situation we can get ourselves into, I mean. How about this? Put this in your pipe and smoke it. And there's the cat. I bought this guy...

Solely to lower my taxes. Oh yeah? Is that... Is that true? Wait, how does that even work? How does that even work? How does that even work? Schlatt's nuzzling his cat. That's what people realize. People realize I don't actually care about the cat. And I just want the business write-offs. That's my biggest scandal. Oh, okay.

That's something bad you can find out. Is it... But the business write-off is literally just the cost to adopt the cat, which was like 20 bucks, wasn't it? And the cat food that it breaks into. And the robot that spins counterclockwise. Yeah, but you wouldn't have any of those things if you didn't adopt a cat to begin with.

You're making too much sense right now. We're trying to think of scandals. We're trying to think of... What am I going to say? What am I going to say? You're sick. I fucking throw it into a ceiling fan like that's what people are going to figure out? I didn't think that.

I mean, hypothetically, I could become a serial killer and I can do unspeakable things. I keep throwing him into a ceiling fan until he finally catches on to one of the blades and I turn it on. What I did in 1999 could very well come right back. People can figure it out. Maybe we need to discuss. At least they won't find what you did in 1998. Exactly. And that's why I'm called Steel Toe.

I like that idea though, Schlatt, the spinning fan. You ever seen those spinning fans that they have at Home Depot? Yes. Sure. Ceiling fans, I think they're called. Yeah, those spinning fans that go on the ceiling. The ones that go around and around. Yeah. That attach to the ceiling. Yes, ceiling fans. Who say that we change them out for swords?

Okay, so now you've got a bunch of swords. Whose scandal is this? Who's we? I want nothing to do with this. This is an open ticket for a scandal here. So is that the only step? No. Then we wait. Then we wait. For something to happen. Okay, here's my idea. We wait for the serial killer news reporter to be like...

Here's my idea. All we did was make the fans swords. The crimes commit themselves after that. This is going to knock it out of the park for you guys. I swear to God. All right. So you go to a Home Depot in the night. You know how people on TikTok, they sleep over in a Walmart and the people don't find them. You ever seen one of those?

People do it all the time. It's kind of a hip Gen Z thing, Shalat. You wouldn't understand. It's like that YouTube, I shipped myself in a box and it worked bullshit. Well, I honestly think that if you hide yourself in enough rolls of toilet paper, you could convincingly stay in Walmart overnight. Could you not? Yeah, and then a team of people would dig you up out of the sarcophagus and say, oh, it's an e-mummy. Well, well. You're making it sound like they're going in there to die. Yeah.

Why else walk into Walmart? I ask you this. Exactly. If not to die. Get me out of here. This is my idea for the Home Depot thing. I sneak in there. I somehow manage to bribe a guy to bring a shipment. It's not 2x4 because 2x4 is way too expensive for Home Depot. I see a Claymore Sword.

Replacing the ceiling blades.

With blades. With blades. Okay, great. So we've still gotten to the same point we were at before. You've given us no new information. I'm just telling you how I was going to do the first step. Step two, I use Facebook. Okay? Okay.

I think you guys understand what's happening next. I use Facebook. That is quite the scandal. Wonderful usage of being able to grab people's information and I figure out who is going to go to Home Depot the next day. All right? And then I sneak into all those people's houses and I replace their normal shoes with carefully disguised moon boots. You ever seen the moon boots?

Moon boots? I don't know. I don't find out. But they don't find out until they get to home to eat. No, they don't. Don't. They don't. They're wearing moon boots. You ever seen the moon boots from the 90s where it's like the jumpy shoes? So everyone... I've worn moon boots. They do not work as effectively. They suck. They suck. Maybe you have been led to believe. I put really strong...

in them. And then they show up at the Home Depot and they're like, okay, here I am at Home Depot gonna take a step. And then they step and then they go directly into the ceiling fan. I've murdered a whole store of Home Depot shoppers. Okay. You might as well just kill someone with a sword. But this is more of a scandal. The Home Depot Moonboot

Claymore's on the ceiling scandal. That's true. What would your line be? The headline of the newspaper. Do serial killers normally have a catchphrase? I just picture you shrugging like, I didn't realize that switching the ceiling fans with Claymore's and targeting ads and switching people's shoes for moon boots could possibly result in such a tragedy. You know, I don't know. I would be looking at the camera and it would say,

crazed ex-youtuber uses moon boots to kill whole store and then it's me going like, "Uh?" And then I say, "Ah, I just like moon boots." I think that's pretty good. Okay, you guys don't seem to really believe my- my- my perfect crime here. This is- I'm putting in the work here. Let me- let me give you something equally as- as dumb, Ted. I'm a big guy. I like magnets.

I go to John F. Kennedy International Airport or, alternatively, the shittier airport in New York City, LaGuardia Airport, also known as LaGarbage Airport. I find all the planes that are flying today. Right when they land, I pose as an airline lady with high heels and...

Really cute outfits. I look beautiful. I look beautiful. The pilot is jealous. The pilot is head over heels. I'm not done. I sneak big, big magnets into the turbines, right behind the turbines of every big plane. I like this. Double turbine planes, double magnets. Here's what happens. I saw the plane in half.

Wait. Nevermind. That's- that's not- we don't need that. Well, you were winning. You were on the right track. You were on the right track. I'm confused why you brought that out. I feel like there was a plan here and you- We don't need that. What's the end here? We got to step like three. We start boarding the plane. I make an announcement. Excuse me. Everybody has to wear these magnets. It's a new security feature.

It's a new security feature in the airplane. We have to put magnets on you. This gets rid of the need to track people on Facebook to see where they're flying. You don't need to pop your ears when that changes altitude with these magnets. You don't. That's exactly what we're going to do. It's a harness. This is like some psychotic Hitman 9 and they start making these ways to kill people's shit. No, it's a harness that they can't get off.

In time. So magnet harness. So then we say, once everybody has the magnets on, then we say first person to get to the plane wins. Okay. As it's spinning up.

Well, you know how they have those little tunnels, right? You walk to the plane in the tunnel. Oh, yeah. And it's like pressurized or some shit, you know? You can move the tunnel around. The tunnel has wheels. So they pull the airplane up and then some guy with a little joystick goes, and he rides the tunnel right into the door of the plane. So it connects.

I say first person in the plane is the winner. Everybody starts sprinting down the plane tunnel with the magnets. Because everyone just immediately, once they hear the beautiful flight attendants say, here's a race. Even the old people, like even the people. And then I run the quickest.

down to the joystick and before anybody gets onto the airplane I divert the course of the tunnel and point it straight towards the turbine

and watch as people dash through the airport tunnel to then get sucked into an airplane turbine and die. - I love what I did. This is fantastic. See, this is exactly the zone that I'm trying to operate in, Schlatt, and I'm so glad that you brought this up. - Yeah. - Very, very interesting because I feel like we're sort of an equal mind here because we're both thinking about spinning blades, and I think that that's an important aspect for the perfect scandal.

You know, you saying these things though, I mean, I might add a little bit of an update given to mine, you know, I might as well, if I might as well not sneak in, I might as well just be an overnight worker at Home Depot. And when they enter, I pretend to be one of those people that like make sure you're wearing a mask when you walk in for coronavirus. But instead, it's like, here's the mandatory Home Depot super moon boots.

that use various home improvement items to make it very powerful. You have to wear them. Very fun boots. Hey, welcome to the safari. Here's the mandatory big meat you need to hold. This is how you reach the higher shelves that you use your moon boots to grab a two by four. Oh my God.

Charlie? So Charlie, Charlie, what's going on? Okay, alright, I got it, I got it, I got it. Uh, I wanna do a safari. I wanna do a safari. Safari? Hang on, I wanna play some jungle noises for myself here to get in character a little bit. Actually, I keep doing that, my cat's gonna wake up and think it's feeding time. That's true, you have a Pavlovian- Amazon jungle sound perfect right now. -framed cat to enjoy. Oh, that's funny. Okay, here's the plan, here's the plan.

I just started listening to Amazon jungle sound and three seconds in it went Amazon jungle. Already good. Okay. Okay. So we head off, we head off, we head off. Okay. I like targeted ads, right? I like it. Let's go for a couple older, older couples. Maybe they're looking for a place to relax. They're looking for a place. They're in the retirement jungle, jungle forest area.

Animal tour. Come to the jungle, see lots of good animals. I'm with ya. I lure 'em out there. I lure 'em out there. I fly 'em there, I get 'em there. You don't need to lure people who are going on a tour. I lure 'em there! They don't know where they are. I hold lots- I hold a bunch of peanuts in front of 'em and run all the way to the jungle. I get to the- I get to the jungle. Little- little do they know. What? Peanuts? Peanuts? I remember my first peanut.

When I married the love of my life, Gertrude. Oh, one had an allergy. There's one down. I lure him all the way out to the jungle. Right? This is efficient. I say, hey, hey, get in this nice jungle car I have. A jungle car, yes. I know what those look like. But it's not a car. All right. It's just going to be this big, maybe six by eight wooden plank thing.

I'm going to put on a big... A plank? A plank of wood? Their eyesight is so terrible they can't tell the difference. I'm going to paint it like seats. I'm going to paint it like seats. And since they're so old, they're going to sit down on this big plank.

It's just a sheet of wood? It's just a sheet of wood that is painted to top-down look like the interior of a car. And I'm going to put a couple little peanuts on each seat, and they're all going to kind of come in, start eating them. And then I'm going to move around behind them. I'm going to push them down the hill, right, into the forest, where I have actually set up an elaborate big meat stack.

They're going to go sailing into this big meat stack. What's in a jungle? What's in a jungle? Lions. One billion lions. Yeah. And then I'm going to shoot them to death.

Oh, man. There it is! That's awesome, bro! That's a fantastic scandal, Charlie. I love that scandal. It would be a big scandal. You know, I've got another scandal in mind, then. I mean... People would be upset that we didn't get to see the big meat deaths. I mean...

They'd be in the big... Well, where's the evidence? Where's the evidence, right? Here's another thing you could do. Reclaimed by the forest. Taken by the frogs. Here's another thing you could do is that you could then also, separate business endeavor, sell tickets to...

Old people get devoured in big meat pile extravaganza, sort of like Lollapalooza, your general music festival. They've got, you've got stands, you're selling concessions, everything. And those people are in a giant wooden plank made sort of seating arrangement, but they're all painted to look like the woods, like the forest.

And they're all wearing camouflage. No one realizes that they're in the forest. They're all going to slide into the meat. They're all going to slide into me. I'm going to kill them. They're going to say, what the heck? It said that lions were going to be released on the tickets and then lions are released into the stands. Yes. So you get the money, you get the money, you up the kill count. And, and that's really like what I think is a perfect scandal.

is being able to not only get the scandalous things done, but then also pull profit. - Exactly. It's all about the profit, Ted. It's all about the profit. And you know what? I just came up with an even better scandal. - Oh, did you? - And then also, also, all my staff, I'm really mean to them after we kill all those people. - Yeah, yeah, we're really mean to the staff. - I'm really, really, I mistreat 'em. - We don't get benefits. Don't give anybody benefits. - Nope, nope. - So how's this?

Try this one on for size, Ted Nivison. You're into music. I guess, yeah. You ever been to Burning Man? I've never been to Burning Man before. Get this. I sell tickets to Burning Man. Okay. But it's actually just a hole in the middle of a desert in Nevada where I light everybody on fire that shows up. That's a really effective one. How do you get them in the hole, though? I shoot them first.

That is literally just a mass grave in Nevada. Yeah. I've got a pretty solid scandal in mind right now, boys. Commit it, Dan. Commit it. You know, skydiving seems to be sort of a big thing that people like to do.

And, you know, it's sort of just white people. It's yeah. Um, it's like dropping people into the earth, right? Yes. Um, so I think it would be probably a really cool idea to start. So what happens when there's no earth? It's damn dude. You're fucking killing it right now. Um,

I think it would be a really good idea to start my own skydiving company. All right. This is beginning of the scandals. Part one, start a skydiving company, spend maybe 10, 12, 15 years building some repertoire in the skydiving community. So I've got the best of the best, the people that like to go the fastest towards the earth, right? Do not think that that is technically the best, but I'm go right ahead. That's how I view it. Uh,

The best skydivers are the ones who get... With mass and with speed. With the fastest velocity possible. Well, I feel like you guys might see where I'm going here with this. Because I then start talking to various countries. Who's at war with who? Who's doing the dirty on who? And then I sell my normal skydiving plane and I buy a civilian C-130...

cargo plane. It's the same kind of planes that they move troops on, right? So, and then I introduced this new, very, very, very, very innovative skydiving backpack. It's a bit heftier than the normal ones. It's got a lot more girth to it, but it's much safer, I say. So then, we're getting in, we're going, we start in California, we start in California, going to X.

We're flying for a while and then the doors open and it's like it's time to skydive. Everyone jump out and run.

Run and jump out. Everyone jumps out, they're skydiving, they're enjoying themselves. They enjoy themselves and then they go to pull their chute. Oh, whoopsie daisy, they don't even have a chute. And what? They're going faster towards the planet. What do we have here? We've got a carefully disguised human-based airstrike of mini-nukes on any location on the planet.

So you switch out the parachute or what would normally go in the parachute position for splitting atoms. Yes. Imagine stuffing a little tiny nuke inside of a backpack. That's what I gave them.

And then telling them this is in fact a parachute. This is in fact incredibly safe and also a parachute, but instead- Don't jostle around too much or your parachute will explode. Why are we skydiving into a crowded metropolis?

So yeah, I'd say that that's a pretty good thing. I'm already at my undisclosed location in the middle of the Pacific sipping my Kettle One Martini Dry Dirty Three Olives. So I'm having a great time. All right?

and you got a problem with that? You got a problem with, no, no, no, no, no, no. Three olives. I mean, probably just, I'd probably just put someone in a hole and fill it with a bunch of frogs. See how long it takes them to get out. If it was Schlatt, it'd be a, it would be a nicely chilled whiskey drink with a glass rock in it. Right. Yeah, it would be. Um, but yeah, I mean, essentially, you know, war crime with a couple more steps, right. I'd say that's a pretty solid scandal, right? More of a historical scandal, if anything. Uh,

Yeah, scandal is, we're learning, it's kind of a bit, it's a very encompassing term. It really is a broad term. A lot of these things are scandals. Wow, World War II was, jeez. It's funny though, because I'm noticing a lot of our, a lot of our scandals are revolving around utilizing other people's businesses to just do horrible atrocities to people with blades and guns.

And fire. Yeah. I mean, what is a dream scandal, though? I mean, I don't know if there really is...

A perfect scandal. Did you say dream scandal? You hop in the text files. Wait, Schlatt, are you trying to tell me that... You change a couple numbers. You make a couple trades. Trades. What are the chances? I mean... I mean, what are the chances of a scandal like that happening? Schlatt, have you never had a dream scandal? I just don't know about a dream scandal. No, I don't think, you know, hypothetically, a dream scandal exists. Oh. Oh.

Oh, do you have something you want to tell us? No, very expensive water bottle you have on your desk there. Excuse you. Um, I don't even know what that was supposed to be. I don't know. Um,

Very expensive water bottle you have on your desk there. Wasn't there a scandal a while back? How many calories did you pump with people? Am I a sleeper agent? Was that my wake call? Wasn't there a thing a while back where people were getting mad at Dream for selling his water bottles? Oh, yeah. Well, Sapnap sold a water bottle recently that had a flame emoji on it for 50 bucks. Really? Those guys are businessmen, though. They're businessmen. People buy them. They buy them. You can't even get mad about that. Smoke them if you got them. Yeah.

But, I mean, you guys got any other scandals on your mind? I mean, that's tickling the thing? Because I could keep going. Trust me. I could keep going. You know, this is my character on the pod. Let's make a dream scandal. What is our end goal? Oh, you're thinking about like a co-scandal? Are you trying to do a chuckle scandal? Sell a coin. Every million subscribers, maybe. Sell a coin? You said have a coin? Yeah, sell a coin. Has somebody done that? Yeah. Who did that?

Oh, he did that too? Yeah, he sells coins. That's kind of cool though. If you know that you're going to grow at that speed. Every other week. Yeah. That's pretty cool. I honestly think that's kind of fun because that sort of builds a community, doesn't it? I suppose. I have the 22 coin. You do? You bought it? No.

Disgusting. There's people out there. I don't know why I was so gullible in that instance. Because 90% of the time, the shit you say is lies. I want to sell chuckle bucks. Chuckle bucks? I want to sell chuckle bucks. What are they redeemable for? One trip to either the middle of the desert or...

The Jungle. Here's a good scandal. Or Home Depot. Wrap it all around. We sell chuckle bucks. We sell them for $10 each. Each buck is $10. And then for each of those bucks, they have a code on the back. And that will give you $10 off our merch website. Ooh, that's big. I like that. You like that? I like that a lot, actually. I'm pretty sure those are called gift cards.

- But here, they can only use it at our place. - Those are Ted, you just-- - So when they go to buy it for Christmas. - You fucking idiot. - And they go to get it, they say, "Mom, why wouldn't you just give me 10 regular fucking dollars?" - Ted, you just described gift cards. - They say, "Sweetie, we know you love the podcast." They say, "I know, but if you just gave me 10 bucks, I could have used it on anything." - That was so dumb of you. I can't, Ted, you're skulking around. - No, this is triple bucks.

I know you're trying to play this off like a joke, but you genuinely thought gift cards were this new idea that you just thought of. You fucking moron. There he goes. Charlie, how about this? I start a new business similar to Bath & Body Works. We sell candles, but we promote a new way of smelling them. Because you walk into a Bath & Body Works in 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, God knows how long...

What are you gonna do? Take off your mask to smell each individual candle? No. You're gonna shave your mustache? I'm gonna sell... I'm gonna sell... Infer the smell. Infer the smell. I'm gonna sell tiny pieces of paper or cloth. Tiny pieces of cloth that have been inundated with the exact smell of the candle. And I'm going to say, come on in. You just slip it in your mask and you can smell the candle without having to take your mask off.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh, I've chloroformed many people. Oh, no! And they've been sold into human trafficking. No! Wow. I thought this came off as a good idea right at the beginning, and then you just straight up, oh, man. Wow, Schlatt, that's a really good one. Thank you. Hey, you're really good at this, man. Thank you, thank you. You should be locked up.

Um, damn. I don't know how to recover from this gift card thing because that's so true. That was really dumb, Ted. I, uh... I, uh... I suggested selling gift cards but in the form of a buck. What if... It would only work if we never sold merch. Well, here's... Because I thought that that was like a huge scandal thing but in reality...

I suppose that points to a bigger issue that that is exactly what gift cards serve to do and we've just allowed them to exist. I got an idea for a great scandal. How about this? Wait, wait, wait. We sell $15 Chuckle Bucks and they're $10 off. But who would buy them though? Moms.

I don't think so. No. No. Pay $10. No one is that stupid. No one would fall for that. No one would fall for that. Hey, how about this? We say, oh, yeah, I'll let you spend more than you have.

I'll just pay for it now. I'm seeing where this is going. I can get it. And then everybody buys things because they know how humans work. And then we charge some exorbitant amount on top of what they owe every month. Like sort of a rate over time in which that amount they owe increases. Yes.

Yes, and then we say no, but you have to use the card if you want to do things like buy a house or a car. And that you have a personal score that's associated with your person that determines if you can do these sort of very important things. Yes. Such as buy a car or own a house.

Or, you know, run a business and get alone, do anything. This stuff takes a lot of knowledge. You know where you can get knowledge? At our institution. Don't worry. We'll cover it. We'll cover it. I've got an idea. For now.

For now. I've got an idea. How about this? What if I run a job in which you have really, really terrible managers that make the people at the lowest rank feel terrible all the time? Very, very like the schedule is sort of, oh, it can change on you anymore. Oh, no, you're working on Saturday. Oh, that's your brother's birthday. Go fuck yourself.

Sounds like the job I used to work at that deli. Hold on, hold on. I don't think it's quite yet. But we give... It's weird that most do. We give like $9, maybe as low as we can an hour. And then if people want more, we say, we start saying to people, well, if you want more, I mean, we're just going to replace you with a robot. And then they just have to accept it. And then they just have to accept it. And you know why it's going to be so easy for them to accept?

because they're just stupid kids that's right yeah that's right we're putting them to work finally putting them to work yeah i love scandals man scandals are great they're awesome i love scandals god well either way i feel like we're right we've run out of time at this point how do you guys feel

Cheated. I feel like this whole podcast is kind of a scandal, isn't it? A little bit. A little bit. We've scammed our way up. So, if anyone wants, after this podcast, you can check down below.

Below in the description, we're going to be selling special Chuckle Sandwich special cards. They're little special cards. $10 and a free trip to the middle of the African jungle. So stay tuned. Check it out. It's absolutely worth it. It's absolutely worth it. Yep. All right. See you guys on that big plank of wood. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Scandal, I mean, Chuckle Sandwich podcast. See you next week.

Chuck you later.