Attempting The Impossible Wikihow Challenge
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Schlatt's been telling me recently that he's been sort of promoting it. I don't know if they're paying him or something, but Dr. Pepper Zero is his favorite soda now. Oh, it's so good. When did you discover Dr. Pepper Zero? It's new. It's a new soda that just came out, Ted. Yeah, it's fucking new. You never drank it? You wait in line for that like it's the Apple Store on a new release of the iPhone?

No, but I will say this. I order online all the time, and they always have it sold out on Walmart, every single store. You can't get a brick and mortar. You got to order it online. Dude, you got to...

Wait until Black Friday and you gotta fight like an old lady, middle-aged mom, someone wearing the... Oh, I'm gonna be stomping over old ladies, over old men. Getting that Dr. Pepper zero. I'll be killing my mom and then my grandma and then quitting my job on Black Friday. Exactly. It's gonna get crazy. I wanna see videos circling online of Schlatt dragging some pixie-cut middle-aged soccer mom by the hair and tossing her into a fucking shelf.

At Walmart. I wanna see a video on LiveLeak of Schlatt taking a live leak on someone. So the only video you'll find of me on LiveLeak is me just taking a big stinky shit. What's the link? Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

What was too much about the movie?

I don't know, because there's no real version of it out there, but if you've ever watched Frozen 2, it's all over the place. It doesn't make any sense. Elsa gets on a horse and then gets frozen. Wait, time out, Charlie. Are you telling me that Elsa gets frozen in Frozen 2? Yeah.

This does not compute with me. That's what I'm saying. She gets frozen too. I say we write a nasty letter. It's like one of those memes you see on Twitter where people work in the title of the movie into a line that doesn't exist. So you see Elsa being frozen and she's saying to herself, well, I guess that means that I'm frozen too. LAUGHTER

I love those. Those are my favorite. I wish we got to bring that back. I feel like they kind of went out of style a little bit. If you're listening to the podcast, start adding us on Twitter and make some memes of just popular movies. Yeah, I love when Chris Pratt walks on screen and says, the Mario movie. He just got cast for Garfield 2. He is. Did you see that shit? Oh, my God.

guys. He's fucking Garfield now. A clip of Chris Pat walking on the screen is animated Garfield. I guess I'm Chris Pratt and I love lasagna. And

And guess what day it is, too, that they announced this horrid thing on. On a Monday. It's a Monday. Oh, God. Oh, God. You know for a fact that they chose to do that explicitly. And Chris Pratt hates those. He hates those. Do you think he walked into the office one day and just looked at his watch and was like, fuck, I hate Mondays? And some director just snapped over to him, like, neck fully rotated. It's the only requirement that the casting director had for the... We need actors that hate Mondays. It's you.

Their neck turned like 360 degrees. Like a fucking owl. Yeah, the FOV changes like that one scene of Peter Quill in Guardians of the Galaxy. The fucking quake moment, Dolly Zoom. We found him.

Dude, I hope the Garfield movie is just real Chris Pratt kicking dogs and saying, fuck you, Odie. Fuck you, Odie. I'm going to kick you. Like it's the Cats movie? Like it's fucking James Corden in the Cats movie? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no, no. Better yet. Like full on cat in the hat, just Chris Pratt painted horns. Oh, my God. Like running around the house terrorizing children. I don't know.

I love James Corden and all of the movies that he gets in because it seems that he has a really good track record of being in the movies that everyone hates and then promoting it in just the worst ways. Have you seen the video on Twitter of James Corden stopping traffic with the cast of the new Cinderella movie where he's dressed in a mouse costume and he's shaking his ass at the person in the driver's seat?

I saw that. I saw that. I think I saw some sort of Twitter where they were like, can you imagine if...

imagine thinking you're worth stopping traffic well also what about your new shitty movie what if somebody's in that stop traffic for the fucking promotional flash mob and their wife is in the passenger seat pregnant with their child ted ted i was literally in that traffic jam i was in that traffic jam with a person dying in my car and you know what what they're dead they're dead now

He's right here. James Corden killed my dad. I had Prince Philip in the car right here. And now look what happened to him. And fellas, we got to talk about this. I think the Queen's up next.

You've been seeing the articles. You said that last podcast. You've been seeing the articles. Well, more articles have came out. You're really kind of digging in here, and it's going to be really awkward if she doesn't at this point. No, no, no. Look, I'll tell you what's going to be really awkward. You saying that she's not going to die, and then she will die, and then you're like, oh, well, look at that.

What do you do? You're doing your commute. You're doing your commute on a nice beginning of the week, and you hit a red light, and suddenly you just see this tray of lasagna hits the pavement in front of you and spills open. And, um...

Chris Pratt crawls out of a gutter on all fours and starts lapping it up in front of you. Yeah. What are you going to do? Like a dirty little motherfucker. I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to go see the Garfield movie in theaters. Because there's no better way to advertise. Yeah, like really in your face sort of...

And as you're watching, you're like, what the hell's going on? You hear a banging on your windshield. It's James Corden. Yeah. Borderline, borderline fetishizing objectification of Chris Pratt is what I would need really to get me to see the Garfield movie. And I think that also when the queen dies, I would not be surprised if, you know, MI6 is bursting down Schlatt's door right there. Yeah.

in the little OTK office and they're gonna burst down that door you're gonna see James Bond and he's gonna be screaming at you what did you do I feel like we're dual wielding conversations right now I just had to get out that last joke simultaneously where do they connect I saw the topic sun setting and I had to get in my last joke

So I combined the two conversations into one. That's great. But Charlie, this is an especially special podcast, I would argue, because... You're not about to lead my own segment into me, are you? You're not about to say, here comes the airplane and spoon feed me my own segment I put in the show. Classic Ted. Classic Ted to do something like that. No, no.

No, no. Are you? Well, yeah, I am because I'm really excited about what you have here. I hate Mondays. And I'll also say that normally we don't have a podcast topic going in, which is why I'm so jazzed. I'm so excited. Usually we get into the call and then we're like, holy shit, Monday came up. We're a bunch of little fucking Garfields munching on some lasagna and we're scrambling to figure out what the hell we're going to talk about.

Well, baby, here's the meat and the cheese and the three layers of thick, thick noodle. I love when you call me baby. Can I get an intro, a musical intro from you guys, please? Just acapella me a quick something as we transition into the segment here. Go! Schlatt, take it away. Schlatt?

Take it away. God, he's just a stone statue right now. I'm going to need at least something from him or I'm not legally allowed to start this. I don't even know if he can hear us right now. He seems to. No, he definitely can. He's gone to his mind palace. He's thinking about fucking Dr. Pepper Zero and the death of the queen.

She's thinking about Chris Pratt lapping up some Dr. Pepper Zero. Charlie, what's the topic for the podcast today? I'm not going to say it until Schlatt gives me something here. I'm not going to walk away empty-handed. Schlatt, you've got to give him something. Just a beat, just a scat. I don't care. A high C, a low C. Surely you can give him a scat, man. It's got to be something. Scatman 2008 stick figure animation music. Come on, Schlatt. Let's go. Schlatt. Wait. Oh, my God.

No, Ted, this is going to be good. No, I really hope it's good because he's making us wait. Oh my God. Thank you so much. Holy shit. Oh my God. Did someone just die? No, that was the power button, Ted. Audio listeners, love you to death. Schlatt just fucking limp bodied, uh, oblivion NPC death on the spot. Schlatt just hit his own power button with his toe.

And he's... Do we know anyone where he lives? Is there, like, anyone we could get out there? Or is this just it? Like...

I would say just let's begin the grand topic for the podcast. All right, all right, all right, guys. I have concocted quite an interesting bit here. I am going to go through various WikiHow articles I found, and I'm going to step by step lead you through the instructions, tell you the instructions, leaving out the important keywords, and you're going to have to tell me what they're instructions for. Hmm.

God. Okay, this is the Grand Charlie Game Show. What do you call this show, Charlie, that we're doing right now? Oh, shit, man. I didn't think about it. So it's... I'm looking on WikiHow. What about...

Wiki what? Wiki wiki what? Wiki wiki what's that telling me to do? Okay, okay, okay. I'm getting it in. Everyone, everyone, bring it in. Get ready. You two are the contestants. We're going to play the best of three. First to guess gets it. We got to start a little rivalry first. Ted, your hat looks stupid. Schlatt, you're just kind of a nuisance.

Holy fucking shit. Jesus Christ. Let me pull up a new one. WikiHow, how to manage your anger. That is the most intense reaction I have ever seen, Schlatt. Audio listeners, love you to death.

Um, Schlatt just picked up the skeleton that's in his office and Prince Philip and fucking Falcon swung it. You better hope the queen isn't watching this. That's going to give her a heart attack. Dude, the Pope is watching right now. Okay. All right. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Step one. Get a bowl. Okay.

It needs to be big enough to put water in. All right. Step two, have my cereal. No. Step two, pour some water in the bowl. Very important. Not too much. Just about halfway full. Okay. Step three, add ice to the mix. Make sure the ice is in small chunks. Step four, put an egg in the water. Where do you think this is going? I don't know.

We guessing the next step or what? No, you're guessing what these are instructions for. I would. I think the first thing that comes to mind is how to peel an egg. Okay. That's actually really good because you do put it in cold water. It's not that though. Okay. You leave it to set for 10 minutes is step five. Step six, remove the egg from the water. Step seven, drop it. What? Drop the egg? Drop the egg? Is that it?

No. Okay. Part two. There's two parts. This is part two. This is a second method of obtaining the first result. Okay. What are we working with yet? I don't know. Part two, cushioning and protecting the egg. Use cereal. Okay. Okay. Surrounding the egg with cereal can be a surprisingly effective way of distributing the force. Okay.

Okay, no. The force? Interesting. You can also, don't get me wrong, wrap the egg around with wet paper towels or fill four other small bags with the same cereal. Do not put any other eggs inside these bags. Step two. Limited to one egg. Wrap the egg...

No other eggs are allowed. You had a guess? Oh, okay. I mean, I've got another potential guess. Oh, okay. Hit it. Hit it. How to prepare an egg for an egg drop? You're so close. You're really close with that. That's warm. How to make an egg unbreakable? Not yet. Wrap the egg in packing material. Okay. Bring out the heavy duty bubble wrap. Maybe you try marshmallows or popcorn. What?

What? Right? You were really close, Ted. You're almost there. I feel like a smart little boy. Part three. Changing the way the egg drops. Okay, so it is about an egg drop. Mm-hmm. You were really close. You were really close. Just keep throwing them out and you will get it. Create a cradle.

Suspend the egg in the center of a box or similar container using a pair of nylon stockings or pantyhose. How to prevent an egg from breaking when you drop it.

That's exactly it, Ted! We've got our first winner here on WikiWhat! Thank you very much. I'm so happy to be a contestant here on WikiWikiWhat, and I'm just saying, you know, I'm coming for you, Slatt. So hold on. I'm really nervous about this specific egg breaking. Okay.

I'm going to wrap it in cereal? It's a method. There's many more on this. Or wrap it with popcorn? The article is called How to Drop an Egg Without Breaking It. The first one was the ice method where you chill the egg. The second one was the method of cushioning and protecting the egg.

No shit. The third method was changing the way the egg drops by creating a cradle. Or even like, I see like an elaborate system of like, at cups and rocks. Oh my God. I don't know what kind of princess in the pea bullshit is this? Make a parachute? I like it how they have time to, to,

make an illustration for every one of these that exist. And there are thousands of these. That is why I love wiki house so much because they have all of the same like stock images that just some poor person out there, some poor unpaid intern is drawing all of that.

And it's all like the same assets. This could be a section on Mogul Money just called Wiki Wiki What where he shows like a... He shows a... It would be next to impossible. Yeah, this could be a really good bit on another show. You make me fucking sick, man. I was... Okay, sure.

Charlie, this would be a great idea to give to Ludwig when he runs his show that you're not on. No, I was thinking in the context of, you know how Ludwig did the thing where he shows the Twitch emote or something and then people have to guess it? I was thinking, oh, this would work well. WikiHow, how to dig yourself into a fucking hole. Are you that thin-skinned? Ted, you are the worst. Are you that thin-skinned? Ted, you're the worst.

Ted, I bet you don't pay your artists. Yeah. Are you referencing that Twitter, the people's reaction to my Twitter thread for that video I got coming up? Oh, there was, I made a tweet where I had done, I'm doing this incorrect history thing. And a year and a half ago, I did a tweet where I was like, anyone who wants to make, draw these

these demons and it was a bunch of like vague prompts and a bunch of people got involved and then i made it into a i made it into they got into the video and i tagged those people and stuff and so i did the same thing uh recently a year and a half later and i got this never happened before but i got a bunch of people in my replies that were like they were like hey ted why don't you just pay your artists this time and i was confused because i was like

I'm just doing a little community moment here. I'm just doing a little exposure here. No, you have to pay them. This is going to help their careers exponentially. No, I pay my artists. Here's what I do. I promise payment. I don't pay them. And when they ask, I tip them five cents on PayPal and then charge back. Yeah. No, that's...

You have a really good track record with paying people. So they have to pay the $20 credit card refund fee.

I just drop them like an egg. It was very interesting to get that reaction, though, because it's like, we all, when we directly commission an artist, we pay them. And in my experience, it's like you pay half of the rate up front so they know they're going to get paid the full amount eventually, and you pay them what their rate is. I literally just ask, if I reach out to an artist, I ask them what it is. But having a voluntary...

community contest is not the same thing as reaching out to an artist and offering exposure or something which is not what I do

Are you okay, Mr. One Point? You've gone on a little bit of a tangent here. I just want to make sure you're doing okay. Well, you know, you hit me in a hard spot there because I was like, I thought I was driving myself crazy. I pictured you on a show like Jeopardy, right? And behind your panel, you're just like, people keep saying I'm not paying my artists. Steve Harvey's just watching you for like three full minutes. Well, that would be in the context of

Someone didn't bring it up besides me. Like, I just won a point. And I was like, and another thing. Thanks for the point, Steve Harvey. And another thing. People say I don't pay my artists, but here's a thing I feel about that. And another thing for all the haters. Yeah, for all the haters out there. Next round. All right. Are you ready? Are you ready for round number two? Yes, yes. I will win this one. What up, Chucklers? We're going to be talking about today's sponsors for this episode, the first of which is Manscaped. Fuck!

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Okay, Schlott, here we go. This is another how-to. This is a single process. There won't be multiple processes for this one. Step one, do the sneak attack. God. How to kill the president.

You got it. It's the public wiki how article for how to assassinate the president. You did it. I did it. They've got art and everything. There's just blood everywhere. I have a guess. How is this legal? I don't know. They keep getting away with it. I have a guess. How to stop Garfield, Chris Pratt once and for all. No, but maybe. No, but potentially in the future this could be one.

Okay, all right, all right. Do the sneak attack. It does say here in the footnotes you get bonus points if you do this when the person doesn't know you're home. What? Yep. Step two, turn off the- They had a cheat on a significant other. No, but that is kind of in the right direction, actually. Yeah, step two, turn off the lights. This works best if they think you're sleeping or out at a friend's house.

How to scare a significant other. You are getting really close there, Jay Schlatt. Alternatively, you can put on a scary costume and then shine a flashlight onto your face from across a dark room so they really freak out. How to make a significant other think that your house is haunted.

No, no, but you are all in the right direction now. I'm going to add a little more detail now to what I'm reading. Jump up at her when she thinks you're asleep is step three.

If you're on a long car ride together or just sitting in front of the TV, pretend to doze off for a few minutes. Wait until you can feel her coming up close to you or even moving in towards your face. When she absolutely thinks you're asleep and doesn't suspect anything, let your eyes bulge open and scream at the top of your lungs. If done correctly, you can give her a real scare in this unexpected way. How to scare your girlfriend.

No, you're getting really warm, man. What's the requirements for getting this right? Is it like it has to be word for word? You're not. You're like in the ballpark, but I can't give it to you yet. You will see why when you guess it. All right. Next. Is there any more steps? I'm going to see. Yeah, I'm going to see if I can find anything here. You're so close. Just keep doing guesses. I'm going to go through some of these other suggestions. Put on a clown mask.

This will only work if she's the type of kid who is scared of clowns. How to scare your children. You're so fucking close, man. You're so close. How to scare a random kid whose house you just invaded. I wish. WikiHow probably has an article on that. Let's be honest. How to be a terrifying clown during the clown craze of 2016.

No, I wish. But maybe that's what they all read. Pick a time when she's completely not expecting it, like when she comes home from school and knows that you're sitting in a reclining chair with your back to her. When she comes over to you, then boom! Turn around with a clown mask on and give her a real scare. How to scare your children this Halloween.

You were warmer before. Instill deep, deep fear of clowns into your own kin. Step six. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Fastest way to build trauma among your children among the years. TraumaBuilding101, wikihow.com. How to make sure your kid leaves the house at 18. How to make sure your kid runs away.

Step seven, put on a mask when she thinks you're sleeping. What's with the sleeping? Yeah. Why is this so consistent? If you tend to sleep in late and she's in charge of waking you up sometimes, then this is the perfect prank for you. Oh, how to like Slenderman. How to get your kids to not bother you while you're sleeping. Oh, man, I thought you had it. Damn.

Uh, you've got on the Slenderman mask, then turn towards your wall and get bundled up in your covers. When she calls your name a few times to wake you up, wait for her to get close. When she's sure you're really dozing, just spring out in your Slenderman mask. She'll definitely scream because she's not expecting it. How...

Man, this is hard, Charlie. I know, I know. I'm trying to find something here that is... Also, there's like 20 steps to this. Wow. Sounds like a really tedious process that requires a lot of commitment. I think they're all options. 18 is be the monster under the beb. How to get your children to believe monsters are real? You're on the wrong track with children, but significant other or relative was really close.

How to scare your relatives this Halloween. No, it's a her. It's a her. Okay. How to scare your wife. Number 20. Are we calling it quits? Man, it sounds so... Okay, number 20. Number 20 is scare your sister while she sleeps. How to scare women.

No, but you're, you know what? Just, just guys, just fire some at me. You're so fucking close here. Once your sister is peacefully fallen into slumber, fire the large scary object to put in her bed. It can be a fake bloody head, a giant snake, a lizard, a large spider, or anything you know will freak your sister out. Best pranks for your siblings. Yeah, I'll fucking give it to Ted. It's how to scare your sister.

Fuck you, Charlie. What do you want? You guys were so close. Like, no, you're right. We were. You're right. We were. And you didn't say sister. I said sister and you didn't get. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, it's OK. I'm you know, I actually actually fuck you, Ted. You're still at one. No one gets that point. We're going to need I've got I've got two more here. I'm down. Yeah. Two more here. Slot. If you can get both of these, you can bring it out of the gutter, man.

Sweet. When the clowns are lurking, do you think you're ready? I've been down there too long. Starting to make friends with that Georgie kid. Okay. How are we feeling about this so far, by the way, guys? Terrible. Pretty good. Terrible. It doesn't make sense. I can see you on Spotify. Playing Giorno's theme. Spotify replaying the Giorno theme on repeat. You've had it on repeat for like 10 minutes. I have. I have. Method one of this next one.

Resisting the urge. How to not masturbate. How to stop jerking off. How to survive No Not November. No, no, no, no, but you're kind of close.

Treat your brain's cravings like you would treat a toddler who keeps demanding ice cream. Instead of putting effort into battling your urge, find something else to do instead. How to stop eating. Oh, you're really warm. You're really warm. How to end a habit. How to end world hunger. How to end a habit. How to stop overeating.

You guys are in the right direction. I'll keep going. Give you another option at the end of this next one. Step two is find a pet or a loved one. Giving and getting hugs makes you feel better. Instead of the dopamine rush you get from this, hugging can give you a rush of oxycotin. How to stop binge eating? Which makes you feel better without the regret.

You are so close. Let me give you something even closer. How to stop stress eating. How to stop eating fast food. How to stop stress eating. You're really close. Remind yourself of reasons to avoid this. This is high in fat, high in calories, and high in sugar. It tastes good when you give into it, but won't feel good in the long run. How to stop eating Carl's grilled cheese. What cheese? How to stop eating Carl's grilled cheese from Mr. Beast Burger.

You got it. It's how to stop eating girls. And it has here just a step four. Try the dream burger instead. Oh, my God. Let me try and find something here that can give yourself. I feel like Schle was the closest with the fast food thing. Yeah, it is a food. It's a food. It's high in sugar. Nope. It's a food. It's high in sugar. You're there. How to stop eating chocolate.

You got it. That's it. That's it. Oh, how to resist. How to resist chocolate. How to resist chocolate. Yeah. Let me give you a couple more. The antichrist to every dove commercial you see on cable. Irresistible silky chocolate.

You ever seen those before? Yeah. Look at this fucking drunk PSA image. Can I just say, I've just got an opinion here. Have you ever noticed how every sort of like chocolatey sort of, I don't know, like yogurt or like any sort of like chocolate thing

that is marketed towards middle-aged women is always like delectable indulgence. Like, and it's always marketed as like, relax after you've been done dealing with your kids for 15 hours. True. True. Yeah. And it's like, the commercials are always like the mom, like,

you know, dusting off her hands after doing some fucking, like, 50s. After taking out the trash, yeah. Just a pool of chocolate with one stream, one dripping source of it. Cheat on your husband. It's all right to do a little bit of cheating these days. 60% cocoa. Fuck your neighbor. Oh, my God.

irresistibly dark and indulgent and then she's like doing a little like spinaroo she like she falls into a couch that's just made of chocolate and cocks dude these suggestions are awesome by the way number four is tell people

It's just like, I'm addicted to chocolate. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Hey, Charlie, I can't stop. I really am addicted to chocolate, bro. What can I do? I can't stop. Well, you can do option two, which is hide it. Hide the chocolate, but I know where it is. The chocolate. I don't know if it means hide the chocolate or hide the addiction.

That's funny. Don't shop when your resistance is low. You got a fucking Geiger counter on your hip for your chocolate resistance? Holy fucking shit. Oh my god. It's 2-0 right now, Schlatt. I'll give you a couple options here. I feel like I'm on the right track. Yeah, no, you've been on it. And then at the last second... Damn, that's really rude. Is that Princess Diana?

Is that Diana in her Harvard? Royal family? Going shopping? I hate Mondays. Another reason to hate France. I think that's where she was, right? France? Yeah. You know what? You know what, guys? I'm enjoying this. Maybe I'll give you... Yeah, you are. I bet you are. Because I'm winning.

Schlatt, are you enjoying this? You look like you're having a great time. Okay. All right. I've got one final one here. We're going to do all or nothing just for shits and giggles, just to give the boy a chance. Right, Ted? I mean, not that he's got one, but we've got to extend an olive branch here. You've got to throw me a bone. I do. You've got to throw me a bone. I do. And we are in the bone yard right now.

Are you ready for the final wikiHow article? I don't want a sure, man. Yes, yes! Yeah, Charlie! I'm ready, I'm ready. This is Chuckle Sandwich, and I'm ready to chuckle! Come on! I chuckle. Step one, prepare for the climb. I had to climb Mount Everest. You are... You have the right idea. Purchase...

some helpful supplies in a nearby town. You may want to consider recruiting someone to come with you as well. How to go hiking. How to escape rock bottom. The town from Spongebob? Learn the language. Okay. Shout. Step two is shout. No, it's not. Is it? Step two is shout. Um...

Wait, so get supplies from a nearby town and shout. Get ready to climb. Get supplies. Shout. Okay. Not really working with much here. Okay. Okay. Ready? Yeah. Ready? Shout to bring your enemy to the ground. Who's wrong? Skyrim.

How to go Skyrim mode. You're really, really... Oh, how to beat a dragon in Skyrim. How to role play... You guys are really close? Okay, next step, use frost magic. If you have training in destruction, magic spells like Ice Spike and Ice Storm can do big damage. How to defeat a flame atranach.

In Skyrim. No, no, no, but you're really close. Next step, apply poisons to your weapons. Lincolning poisons are just as effective against this thing as other non-undead creatures. How to beat skeletons. No, that's an undead creature. Well, I already know how to do that. You already did do that live. It's something that... This is something in Skyrim.

I haven't played Skyrim. You haven't played Skyrim? No, I haven't. And you said Frost stuff? Frost stuff. How to be... I watched Sips play through it like a decade ago. At the top of a mountain. I picked one that I thought would be very well known here, but I'm going to keep going because I think you still have a chance. I've been playing a lot of Skyrim recently, so I feel like I should get this. Really? Really? Yeah, okay, you're going to get it. No, I have. I've been doing my GoGoFun alchemy run. Hmm.

Keep this enemy on the ground with dragon rend. Use health potions when you get low, and before long, they should succumb to the damage and retreat. Ready? Is it a dragon? How to beat a dragon? How to beat a frost dragon? How to beat a fire dragon? You're really close. You're really close. How to... Part two. Part two. Fighting this enemy at Sovereign Guard. I haven't done the story that much. How to... Oh, shit, man. How to... Oh, how to fight Alduin? You got it.

Who's the main antagonist from Skyrim? Dude, I'm sorry, man. I'm fucking sorry. How was I supposed to do all or nothing on that? I haven't played the fucking game, Charlie. Come on. Everyone knows Skyrim. Come out 30 fucking times. No, you gotta understand. Shlatt's main genre of gaming is running simulators. So he's playing, you know,

Yeah. It's like the Ender Dragon, man. I don't know what you want from me. I'd be playing simulators. I'd play DayZ, which is you just walking in a straight line and slightly altering based on the compass. Yeah.

I play OpenTTD, which is you make a bus and you say go between two cities and you watch it. He plays Truck Driving Simulator where he uses his grand wheel. I got a big old wheel. All right, Schlott, give me a category. Give me a category and I'll pick one. All I know from Skyrim is Uthgard.

What the fuck is Uthgurd? Uthgurd is the lady in the bar. Why do you know of all things to know about Skyrim? Uthgurd is a lady in a bar that you can beat in a fight, and then she follows you. She becomes your little meibling. You shouldn't know Uthgurd. Yes, Uthgurd the Terrible, I think her name is. What are you on about, man? Uthgurd is not real. And then you say, uh-oh, Uthgurd, someone's about to come...

Somebody's about to come. Someone's about to come attack us. Somebody's about to come. Someone's about to come attack us, Uthgard. I hope he doesn't take the staff of Magnus from me. Oh! And then, uh-oh! Oh, my God! There he is! Are you sure you've never played Skyrim? You're all... You're crazy right now, dude. And then all of a sudden, uh-oh!

I've come to... Hello, traveler. Thanks for getting the staff of Magnus from me. I'll be taking that. Are you talking about the College of Winterhold? It's like he's every character. It's like I'm in the game. I know, I know. But that's all I know from Skyrim. Do you get to the Cloud District often? What am I saying? Of course you don't. How about this one, guys? Foos Road Dogg.

Dude, nice. Yeah, no, but I started playing Skyrim again and I was literally exclusively just doing alchemy for like maybe a week straight where I would just run around and I would pick up flowers and then see what they made. And I got to level 100 in alchemy in like six days.

It was some real degenerate shit. That's the one thing I never did in Skyrim, man. That's the one thing I never did. I always did the enchanting stuff. For some reason, I really love that shit in video games. When you're cooking stuff in Breath of the Wild, I love that shit. Oh, that's fun. That is fun. It gives you the new sound when you got a new recipe, and it's like, uh-oh, a little bit different to the tune. Yeah.

Dude, I had so many days worth of playtime in Breath of the Wild, and I never even got... I never even tried to battle any of those big guys. You just walk around and do shit. It's awesome. What were they even called? Divine Beasts. I never even fucking tried one. I would look at them and be like, I'm good. I'll cook my berries and flowers and apples. Big...

You guys are divine beasts, I just want to say. I really mean that. Thank you, I guess. I don't know if that's a good thing to say. Give me a category so I can help you out here and maybe give you a pity point, man. Okay. Just anything. I just feel bad. Or if you're Ted, maybe a... Never mind. A PayPal to the artists I don't pay? What about, like... What about...

university tips like tips to help me through college like what's if you can find something in that genre perhaps I feel like of all the people in this group you would probably be the least equipped actually most in need you're right

Yes. This is going to be something college-related, then, Schlatt. Are you sure you're ready? Oh, I'm ready. I'm ready. Okay. I spent two and a half years in college. I know all there is to know. Let me find a good one. I have a stupid goddamn degree. So does Ted. What are we ever going to do with this? Hey, guys. We all love degrees right here. Look at me now. I'm doing wiki butt. How much mileage you got out of that slip of paper? Yeah.

At least I don't have zero points in Wiki what, dude? Okay, dude. I'm trying to find one that's going to be easy enough for you to get and hard enough for Ted not to get. And it's very difficult. Um,

My all-seeing eye guesses all. Yeah, no, Charlie, no, by all means, just have another prompt that has, like, fucking Alduin in it. I'll get that. Shut the fuck up. I'll get Alduin. No, that was... I don't think I even talked to you guys about the fact that I was playing Skyrim. That's the only guy I knew in Skyrim. Am I crazy? I feel like... What?

This is like some Susan and Mary test come up with in their lab. I already forgot their name. The terrible. That's so niche. There's no reason. I watched, I watched one very specific playthrough a decade ago. Good. Good. It's the only character. Wait, good. Hold on.

You're saying that you watched one specific playthrough? Does that mean that you haven't watched Charlie's banger video, I Installed 500 Mods into Skyrim? Does that mean that you're not supporting friends of the podcast, also known as a co-host of the podcast, your friend Charlie Slimesicle? Hey, thanks for the resub. What's the meaning of this, Schlatt? You can't escape. Dude, what the fuck?

Hey, tell me... You know what? Tell me one pun I've ever made. I'll admit it, Charlie! Don't admit it. The video was too long. It was too long. I didn't watch the whole thing. It was too long. Dude, I got high and I watched that whole thing and it was a good night. Too long? I didn't watch the whole thing. I don't watch long things. I don't watch long things. I don't watch long things. What are you on to say? You know, Uthgard, and you didn't watch my video. Uthgard was part of a very...

Sequenced out video, hundreds of parts. Are you incapable of sequencing yourself?

Are you capable of self-managing? Over the span of months, over the span of months, that thing came out. I'm not sitting down and watching one little video about, oh, here's little Charlie, dude, whatever the fuck his last name is, in a little VR helmet. He's in the metaverse. He's jacked into Mark Zuckerberg's fucking fantasy dreams. Fuck you. Fuck you. Buy an NFT and make some money, bitch. All right. For another minute, video. Hold on. You're fucking like a true pussy.

Pussy who gets no bitches and sticks no paper. Quiet coyotes, boys. Let me see them now. Quiet coyotes. Show them to me. Schlatt? All right. I find it especially ironic, Schlatt, that you say you don't watch long things, but you expect people to have watched the podcast this long. We're already at fucking however long.

Well, I'm not. I think I'm worse than most people. Yeah, you're pretty bad. YouTuber that doesn't give attention to other people. That's a real fucking shame. But, Charlie, do you even want to give him this? Like, do you even think he's owed a final point here? No, no. But out of the goodness of my fucking heart. Dude, he's bringing out his fucking heart. Not his normal heart. His fucking heart. This is the one that he uses during sex. You've only seen this. There's one week in the year you've seen this. It was fuck a week. Wow.

came out for a minute now it's coming out again comes out for a week comes out in the bedroom that's all we know step one schlatt and ted i know you'll probably get this because you watched the skyrim video you're awesome man you're awesome thanks man step one is step one is taking initiative get to class early strike up conversation oh sleeping you had to make friends in college

Schlatt has very unfortunately gotten it on his first try here. How to make friends in college...

That's two friends in college right there. I think they're probably bonding over this slime school Skyrim video that they both watched last night. Yeah, that's something I never... Are we going up? Are we going up, Ted? We're going up? All right. Okay, fine. All right. See you guys on the fucking moon. Thanks, Charlie. See you later. Bye. No, bye. Bye, Charlie. I'm catching up. I'm catching up. You don't have a chance, man. Oh, I'm coming back down. Fuck. I'm taking off. All right, we're returning. I'm taking off. We're coming back down. Audio listeners, love you to death. We're using our...

automatic standing desk to do a visual bit so sorry about that but dude you are literally I think we're guard right now or whatever you do the fuck off the gird off the gird correct the terrible you know what this is you know what this is this is you he's a chat this is you right now you're a yapping yak and I need you to be a quiet oh I'm a yapping yak put a muzzle on it put a muzzle on it yeah I do dude you gotta step you gotta get in line man

You gotta meet the judge and get some fudge. Is that the one video of that lady? The really schizophrenic lady? Potentially schizophrenic woman. He's like, what's going on? And she's like, go to the judge and get some fudge. And then they have the oblivion music playing in the background. Why'd you say it like you were a fucking Halloween killer? Um...

Let me try again. Go to the judge and get some fudge. Let me try it again. Go to the judge and get some fudge. That was good. Yeah. What else are we even going to talk about today? I mean, we ran out of Charlie's topic. Schlatt's been an absolutely... Oh, I had another one. I had another one. Oh, sure. Here. Okay, I actually wrote this down before the podcast. Recommend one thing to everyone listening to this. I thought it could be fun. Mine is my Skyrim video. Okay.

Like recommend anything? Yeah, anything. Just anything. Recommend anything. Wow. I have a real one. So that could be fun. Could be just like fucking Totino's, you know? Go to YouTube, look up Mr. Followed by Hans. This was absolutely a mistake. Yeah, no, a little bit of a mistake. I would say see the East Coast. Family friendly. I would say...

For the whole family, pull up the video, Mr. Hands. Context listeners, love you to death. Shlatt's talking about Mr. Hands, the guy that got fucked to death by a horse. That's awesome. Just thinking about it. Shlatt, that is your one thing you can ever recommend to anyone listening to this podcast. I would suggest. That's it. That's it. That is now. That's what you've said. I would suggest to our listeners,

See the East Coast in peak foliage season in the fall. It's a very beautiful time of year. I think we're just past the peak foliage season. We're entering November now. But it's a good time to see the foliage. True. What a bunch of different... It is. It's nice. So we've got watch Charlie's YouTube video. Look up a guy who got fucked to death by a horse and see the trees.

In the season they're bringing. They're beautiful shades of yellow and red. And orange. Oh my god, he's been fucked to death by a horse. And hey, if you ever see Uthgard the Terrible in a bar, fight her. She will be your companion for life. If you ever see an egg. Can you marry her in Gamefly? Dunk it in water for ten minutes. I don't know. Protect it with cereal. I bet you wish you could.

Maybe. All right. She did look awful. You do look like an Uthgerd. My real one, then, I've been playing this game called Outer Wilds. That's the one I want to recommend to everyone. They go check it out. They've got maybe it pulled up on one monitor. You talk to me about Outer Wilds a lot, and I've never gone around to checking it out, and I feel bad.

The problem with saying it on a podcast is that you can't talk about it because then you ruin the game. Right. Like, it's... The currency's information. You figure it out as you go. It's fucking awesome. I'd say anyone listening, give that a shot. Um...

And I also recommend just going and bullying Schlatt about how he hasn't listened to the one thing I'm proud of. He hasn't seen the one thing. Please, come on. What are you proud of? I will watch the Minecraft video when it comes out, Charlie. The Minecraft... It's going to be longer. It's going to be longer. Okay? I said it. Maybe I won't. Maybe I won't.

You don't even like long things, man. I don't like long things. I'm scared of long things. I'm scared of long things. My real recommendation would be to find a candle you enjoy, wake up, play some 40s music, and light the candle and read.

All right. That's really good. Do as I say, not as I do. That's the end of the podcast. I'm going off. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. My recommendation is up.

Like, retweet, subscribe. Become a little Chuckler. My recommendation is upward momentum. Everyone join Chuckle Nation. This is where the goodness lies and where the good boys, they never die. Thanks for watching. Bye. At the Gooey Center. See you next time. Fuck your friend's husband. What?

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