Are We Smarter Than a 5th Grader?
01:21:55 Share

When you need mealtime inspiration, it's worth shopping Fries for thousands of appetizing ingredients that inspire countless mouth-watering meals. And no matter what tasty choice you make, you'll enjoy our everyday low prices. Plus, extra ways to save, like digital coupons worth over $600 each week and up to $1 off per gallon at the pump with points. So you can get big flavors and big savings. Fries, fresh for everyone. Fuel restrictions apply.

Carl's Jr.'s Big Carl fans know nothing beats the layers and layers of flavor of a Big Carl. Nothing beats that charbroiled beef, American cheese, and tangy Carl's classic sauce. Nothing. Except getting a second Big Carl for just $1. Big Carl just one-upped itself for just $1. Then buy one Big Carl, get one for a buck deal. Only at Carl's Jr. Get burger! Get burger. Available for a limited time at participating restaurants. Tax not included. Price may vary. Not valid with any other offer, discount, or combo.

Talk.

Tucker, where's Ted been? I don't know. He called me the other day on the phone and he played the harmonica. The harmonica? Yeah, he calls me on the phone and he's like, dude, I got this new thing going on. Check this out. He's like, for an hour straight. An hour. I'm not even talking. I just have the phone sitting here and playing War Thunder or whatever. He's just playing the harmonica for an hour straight. And I was like, are you supposed to be moving or something? Yeah, he did say he was going to move. Well, well.

- Oh wow. - Danivision in a new apartment? - In a new location for the first time in four years. Chucklers get it first. - He's taking notes out of my book, baby. - Exactly. Yeah, no, this is monumental because in the entire history of Chuckle Sandwich, I have been in the same office the whole time. But now, ladies and germs, I have moved.

It's looking a little glum right now. It does look rather depressing. I don't know. I fucking moved. I'm here. I moved. I made an adult choice. It's just a shame you're still in Los Angeles. I mean...

Let's be real. You could have moved anywhere. You are a rich, tall, white guy. The world is your oyster, Ted Nivison, and you moved to L.A. again. But. Makes me shed a tear, honestly, is what it does. But. I'm just thinking about how cool it could have been to have you in New York City. But, Slap. What? I raise you this. What do you raise me? I got rid of that fucking couch. Hey, there it is, baby. Welcome to ChocoSquad.

Welcome everybody. Welcome to a new episode of Chuckle Sandwich. We're in new places, new faces, well same faces, new places. New places. We're here. Don't say it. Don't say it. We're here and we're steering this podcast once more. We're here. And I'm leering at your new apartment. We're here and we're...

you know i really should start these with a with a with a with a rhyme in mind shouldn't i you should we're here and we're and we're and we're weird did you were you gonna say queer i was gonna say something like that we're here and we're um i don't fucking know guys welcome i guess we're we're so excited to be here ted's got a new apartment you're supposed to film this podcast tomorrow

But then something, you know, Tucker and his wife are jet-setting everywhere across the country every weekend. They travel so often. They travel so often. No, we go away for the weekend to see family and friends. They're going off.

God forbid. We live in the city. We like to get in the outdoors. God forbid. You do not live in the city, you motherfucker. Okay, then why is there full pavement all the way around my building with crackheads? Tucker. That doesn't happen in the countryside. That sounds like upstate New York everywhere. Okay, yeah, fair point. Fair point. Tucker, your city to a New Yorker would be considered a hamlet. You live in a hamlet. My wife is a New Yorker.

Tucker, I think the last time I was visiting you, I saw a guy walking down the sidewalk saying, bring out your dad. Bring out your dad. It was a little Rick show. He's Mike and he's out of his mind. We all know him. He's a nice guy. I bought him pizza the other day. Mike's a nice guy. Okay. There's nobody dead. Well,

You know, I mean, but he looked like he would have said, he looked like he speaks in Dark Souls sentences, you know? He does. That's kind of the charm behind Mike. We all know him. He's like the kind of guy you walk up to him and he's like, the fog moves in another time this year.

And then it prompts you to accept his invitation to join his covenant, and you definitely press yes. Tickle my scarlet scab, and I'll tell you a riddle. Like, you know, what's the deal? And that's like half the population. It's bad, dude. It's bad. It's true. We're moving next. In the spring, May, we're out of here. Everybody's moving. Everybody's moving. We want to live right next to Schlatt. Mm-hmm. So. Piss.

Hard pass on that. I'm actually, anytime there's a plot of land remotely close to my house, I'm now buying it. I'm now buying it. You know, I've thought of that is you should probably just start, if you have the money, just buy the plots of land next to you.

Yeah, Schlatt's going to start operating as if it's a game of Bloons Tower Defense. He's going to start putting up towers. Tucker's going to start sending him love letters. And his tower's whole job is to just eviscerate the delivery trucks that are bringing him in. All the audio listeners, you'll know if you're at my house by a wall of ninja monkeys with Bloon Jitsu lining my property. Yeah.

You'll know. That's how you'll know. Or a bunch of those auto, what are the little spike towers that shoot the spikes out every 10 seconds? Oh, those things are so satisfying when you get them all the way. Oh, they're so good. When you get them to ring a fire, too, and they're just pooping out fire the whole time. Oh, the ring of fire. No, that's the tack shooter, Ted. I'm talking about the spike machine that shoots out the pile of spikes, you know? Yeah. You put it at the end of the course, you know?

You know? Yeah. I used to, when I was an early Bloons player, you know, I used to be like super monkey is the way, but these days I'm like the wizard guy, the wizard guy gets stuff done, you know, when he's the Phoenix and stuff. But, you know, I will, I will say we had this conversation before and I will, um, I will remain a balloon Jitsu fan. The Ninja monkeys can't be beat. You get the Ninja monkeys and you get,

A couple of bomb towers with the balloon impact upgrade. I think we're talking about balloons tower events five and there's a sixth. I feel like we are. I feel like we are. There's definitely a sixth one. And the earlier ones, the super monkeys was like the only way that you could get very far. That's all you had to do. You were just trying to get sun God and then you could get to like 150 or whatever. But dude, the problem with talking about balloons TD one or two or three or four is that no one,

Who's listening to this ever played them. Yeah, this is lame as fuck. Like nobody cares. I don't care. They don't care. Chat doesn't care. We want to talk about the new apartment. Ted, tell us about the new apartment. Oh, well, it's great. It is a, instead of like two, it's instead of man, man,

I got the floor and I fuck it up already. Instead of it being two floor, it's three floor. So this office here is at the bottom floor, but I got a whole bunch of stuff above me. You have three stories in one apartment? It will make sense. This is like the only room in the body. It's like there's an entrance here and then there's this room and then there's the stairs. Like it's, you know. Oh. We're all staying there for chuckle week, right? We're all sleeping over.

- Yeah. - We're gonna make that official right now. - Well, you know how I'm gonna make it happen is that I'm letting Schlatt sleep in my bed.

- Ted called me and he says, "We gotta set this up for chuckle week." I said, "Just make sure Shlat is comfortable." - Yeah, that's the only way chuckle week is gonna happen again is if I've got that bad. - You know, I don't even feel bad talking about it at this point because it's such a meme between Tucker and I when a chuckle week comes along because the times are good, but Shlat,

And I will, you know, and I think he always will be.

A princess that needs to be pampered. No, there's no problem with being that. I just have high standards. I'm sorry. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing. I'm just saying it's the reality of the situation. Listen, I fly into Los Angeles and it is probably my most unfavorite place in the world. I need to feel at least a modicum of comfort. Oh, surely. Unless the podcasts aren't going to be good. Oh, surely. Which is why...

You're going to get to sleep in the bed that I normally sleep in, which is Tucker's tried it out. It's a very comfortable bed. Thank you. It's quite very nice. I swear by that bed.

And another factor is that, you know, we can't let Schlatt go off on his own because if he gets a hotel or if he's not within sight of us, something is going to happen to him. And if we're not there to witness it, you know, we can't make adjustments. We can't we can't pivot because, you know, Schlatt's going to go off. He's going to go to a five star hotel. It's going to cost the podcast everything.

11 000 dollars he's gonna bankrupt us and he's gonna come up he's gonna come back and he's gonna be like somebody thought it was their room and they knocked on my door at 12 at night for 17 minutes straight and now i'm gonna be miserable for the rest of the day and we're gonna be like no another advantage

we keep Schlatt around, we can start doing mandated family fun. So Schlatt, we'll get him on some games. We'll get him on some GameCube. Do a little patty cake. We'll inject a little bit of Everclear into his veins. He starts getting a little tipsy. He's having a good time, but not too much so that he gets hung over. We're making sure we're feeding him water so he wakes up and he's happy. He's Summer Schlatt.

Well, I had a comment about the summer schlatt. What if this isn't summer schlatt? What if this is New York schlatt? And this is just... That's fair. He's just all smiles from here on out. Think about this, Ted. Think about this. This is about to be his first fall in years. Ooh.

Yes. I was actually, I was thinking about this earlier. It's getting a little chilly. Some of the trees, there's a couple trees near me that are turning. Those red maples? Oh yeah, the red maples. And I just am, I'm on top of the world. I really am. I knew this would happen. I think I'm happier than I've been in a very, very long time.

That's excellent. I'm really happy to hear that. Dude, come February, though, he's going to hit a new low point. No, I like the snow. Do you think it snows these days? It hasn't snowed in years. It hasn't snowed in years? No, it hasn't. Ever since you've been gone, it has not snowed. What? I guess I took the snow to Texas. Yeah, you too, Ted. You don't know. It hasn't snowed in years.

It doesn't snow anymore. It doesn't. You're lying. It's just brilliant. No, I'm not. I'm not. It hasn't snowed in years. It fucking sucks. Oh, yeah. There hasn't been. I mean, I'll always go back to New York for Christmas and Thanksgiving and all that shit. It's disgusting. It's gross. When was the last time we had a white Christmas? Riddle me that one. 2016? 2016, maybe. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, I'm confused. I can't tell if you're lying or not, Tucker, but I feel like I was back during the winter, though. I've seen piles of snow and shit. Piles from that one brief little storm. It's actually crazy. The liberals were right about that global warming shit. They were. I think they were. They were totally right, and it stopped snowing, and now it's just...

It's just fucked, dude. Well, Tucker, get your thing. Let's start looking this up on Google. But hey, the second it fucking snows or the second it's under zero degrees Fahrenheit...

The superior measurement system, we got to use a negative sign for the weather? First off, Schlatt, freezing is 32 Fahrenheit. Of course it is. Let's get that out there. Well, can I also just say, I don't think that anyone was assuming that you were using Celsius. Also, Schlatt, you know, we're all born and bred American. That's true. That's true. I spend way too much time with British people.

every time I talk about Fahrenheit, I feel the need to quantify that as the superior measurement system. - Yeah, like I hear a Celsius fucker say, "Oh, it's so hot, it's 29 degrees." I'm like, dude, our water is frozen at that point, dude. - What do you mean you use zero for water freezing? That's so stupid. - Stupid.

I call that 32. I also think that there's something inherently metal about being like, especially when you live in the North, when you can be like, did you know it was negative 10 degrees? Like, you know, like heading into the negatives is like, oh, we're, we're dealing with some, cause it, it, it, it's, you're, it's talking about like the severity of the situation. Of course, of course. And, and then God forbid your daughter brings home a, an accounting major and,

And then you're like, oh, he's never worked a day in his life. Look at his hands. Completely clean. You know? Yeah. That's going to be Tucker. Honestly, now that I think about it, I guess Celsius is easier. I got calloused hands. For the record. My hands. My hands are weathered from that freezer. I spent four hours in once a week.

This episode of Chocolate Sandwich is sponsored by our friends at Chubby's. Ted, summer is dying. It's dying. And by the time you hear this, it may already be dead. The reaper has come for summer. But it's okay, Ted, because fall is just around that corner. And, Schlatt, as the weather gets chillier, crispier, and cozier, your wardrobe will

will likely need a little bit of a reset. What do you think about that? I think, you know, that's exactly what I need. A little bit of a reset. Well, lucky for you, Schlatt, Chubby's is here to save the day. Yes, that's right. Chubby's, home of the ultra cozy comfort clothes that'll keep you feeling handsome and most importantly,

From their flannel-lined shorts to their worm pullovers to their cozy quarter zips, Chubby's has all the fall-ready threads for that outdoor football game, pumpkin patch adventure, or late-night weekend bonfire. And if you're a true believer in thigh exposure, you know that Chubby's is still the premier name in men's shorts. And even though it's getting chilly, pairing Chubby's shorts with a fall sweater or cozy jacket is always a classy move. Ooh, that's right, Ted!

You know what I'm going to do after this podcast? What are you going to do, Flat? I'm going to head right over to Chubby's after this and get myself some cozy fall staples. And folks, for a limited time, our friends at Chubby's are giving our listeners 20% off with the promo code CHUCKLE20 at checkout at chubbysshorts.com. That's 20% off your order with the promo code CHUCKLE20. Support our show and tell them we sent you. This fall, make the most out of every moment with Chubby's. Shop right now and fall. Ha ha ha!

Into comfort. One stylish piece at a time. Thanks to Chubby's for sponsoring today's episode. Let's get back into it.

When you need mealtime inspiration, it's worth shopping fries for thousands of appetizing ingredients that inspire countless mouth-watering meals. And no matter what tasty choice you make, you'll enjoy our everyday low prices. Plus, extra ways to save, like digital coupons worth over $600 each week and up to $1 off per gallon at the pump with points. So you can get big flavors and big savings. Fries, fresh for everyone. Fuel restrictions apply.

what what tucker what's the splits here with schlatt what would you say what would you say his because tucker was talking to me about this on the phone the other day he was like trying to give us give me and him some sort of like character classes he was like ted you're 30 blue collar and 70 white collar and i was 70 white collar and 30 percent no okay i don't know why you're getting 30 and 70. it was split up in the quarters so we're on a 25

Oh, okay. Fair enough. And I said I was three quarters blue collar and Ted was three quarters white collar, which means we can both vibe with one another's lifestyles and we enjoy it in moderation. But we will never, like I would never enjoy living in LA and Ted would never enjoy living in like the countryside.

But if he comes to visit, he can vibe with it. And I love going to LA for like a week, but I can never live there. So we're like three quarters each. And that's why we can hook up. You guys hook up.

well yeah tucker used like a 30 year old version of that phrase oh just now he just used it like he was well that's because that's because i'm three quarters that's a blue collar usage of yeah that was a blue collar usage yeah exactly yeah like my mom will say that i'd be like oh did you and so-and-so hook up and i'm like no i didn't

And she was like, wow, I thought you were friends. And I was like, we're not making out, though. We're not getting in bed with each other. And honestly, that's an outdated usage right there, too. Making out? No, hooking up is not making out anymore. Hooking up is not making out. It's sticking it, dude. That's going home with, yeah, that's... It's sticking it. Yeah. You're outdated now, dude. You're almost 30. I guess. I mean, dude, like, so are you. Like, it was a 10-day difference. I'm younger than you.

Always will be. By 10 days. Till the day I die, I'll be younger than you. I got like a couple more weeks of being closer to 20 than 30. So let me bask in this for a second. Wait, are you still 24? Yeah. That's terrible. That ruins my day every time. Yeah. How's it going, uncle? Your birthday's coming up, though. Your birthday's coming up. When is it? It's the day before the tragedy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen that title and thumbnail.

Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what do you think? What's my split? Yeah. Tell me what my split is. That's what I was asking.

Okay, when you were having that fire on your porch tonight, did you step off the porch at any time? I did not step off the porch. That's 100% white collar move. No. It's 100%. Dude, come on. 100% white collar is not going to make a fire. They're going to have a little gas start. I saw a picture of the fire. It was a big plume of black smoke. That told me you loaded it with fire starter. Tucker, Tucker.

Tucker. Can we talk about the Firestarter thing though, Schlatt? Did you see the pic tonight, Ted? I didn't see the pic. Take a look at the pic right now. I commented on the pic. It's in our DMs.

Okay. All black smoke. And now I make a lot of fires. Oh, okay. The black smoke. That would have been really rude. I did send a photo of the fire. The black smoke pluming out of that solo stove. It was pluming. Is indicative of the fact that it's loaded to the brim with resin fire starters. The little pine sticks with full of resin.

and we also saw that firsthand recently yeah no you're you're you're excited right now dude to talk about i'm sorry i'm sorry or when i want to enjoy a beautiful fire that i don't curled over it or with a rod trying to get a spark into kindling like luke from the outdoor boys

Fuck you. I want the fire to start. Luke's a good man. I'm trying to enjoy the fire. I think he's a good man too. But I'm saying if you have the option to have a resin pieces of pine wood, yeah, I'm going to fucking take it. Okay. Well, I've got two points here. Okay. First of all, Luke from the Outdoor Boys is...

He's sort of an exception to this because he's probably the most white-collar-seeming guy that is incredibly efficient in the wilderness. He was a lawyer. It looks like they grabbed that guy out of an office cubicle and threw him in the woods and just uploaded a bunch of information to his brain and all of a sudden he knows about it. The second point is that when Schlatt was starting to fire that one time when we were visiting him, it was like,

I was looking at those and I was like, he was using a lot. I was like, there's fire starters. And he was like, ah, fire starters. And I was like, those are very accurately. It's just pieces of fucking pine wood, motherfucker. Where do you think you got them? It's just pieces of pine wood.

They might as well be soaked in gasoline. Okay. Okay. Forgive me for trying to start a fire for you. No, that was actually the move though. That was cool. That was cool. It was cool. Guys, no, no, no, no. I got to start it the old fashioned way. That's all fine, but you have to acknowledge the fact that... Hold on. Hold on. He's not done. Okay. That's all good. Okay.

That's all good and fine, but you can't say that that's the blue-collar way what you're doing. When did I say way? Well, because Tucker told you that you're 100%. I'm just saying it's not 100% blue-collar. You're 90% white-collar. I'll take 90. Ted's 75. Has Ted ever had a real job, though?

I got him a job at Staples, and I think he worked a few days for my dad, who's a landscaper. I worked a lot. I've worked at least a few. You worked at an office supply store, Ted. Easy tech, too. And, you know, what is an office indicative of? I think maybe a white collar. Maybe they wear white collars over there. You know what they wear at a deli?

Blue collars they don't even wear collars they were killed in five thousand blanks with a little shitty misprinted misplaced Deli logo, it's too far up. It's too far to the right. It doesn't even look right. I

And half the employees don't even speak English. So you got to use your Spanish. Spanish fucking speaking courses from seventh grade. Come on. On this deli job for fucking eight years. Dude, I worked there for eight years. I worked there for eight years. I got paid $5 an hour under the counter. Why? You should have said, hey, this is fucking illegal. Because it's illegal.

That's what my mommy said. You know what's crazy, though? Schlatt's saying, like, he's now reframing this whole deli thing as if he was, like, behind the counter with a clear going, and, like, someone comes up and they're asking, he's yelling at him. But Schlatt, we know, we know information on this podcast that Schlatt was hit.

hidden in the freezer with fucking Sark up on his phone. He was like, I just wish I could be home watching Machinima Reese. No, no, no. I wouldn't have watched it on repeat if I was at home. That is the avoided tendencies of a white collar boy. It was my entertainment in my left ear and my right ear would be open facing the door to the freezer in case my boss walked in or Noel walked in and he wanted to take a tall boy and down it in 15 seconds like he was so good at. Okay? Okay.

So don't tell me I didn't talk to the employees of that place. Here's what I'll say, though. What? Have you ever slugged some mulch in your life? Slugged some mulch? Have you ever slugged some mulch in your life? Out of the flat now? Yeah.

Out of a flatbed? Out of a flatbed. You're out of your element, buddy. Out of a flatbed. You ever edge a yard? You ever edge a yard with a weed whacker? One time I was in charge of the catering for an entire day at that deli. And let me tell you, I took that Ford Transit, that Ford Econoline Transit, and I fucking drifted that thing around a horse track. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. Fucking drifted it.

Yeah, but you... You get a little gas, you flick the wheel to the right, and you let it slide. Now, that ain't fun. Listen, listen, Shlatt, you know, if...

I don't even, could we even put you in a box truck? You're sitting in a box, you'd crumble. You'd crumble. You wouldn't know what to do. Sitting so far forward, feels like you're right in the action. In a cab over? Is that what you're talking about? You should not be talking about trucks. Yeah, the box truck. With your shitty little 2002 Toyota Tacoma with a fucking hole to the floor. I'm talking about the landscaping truck. The flatbed truck.

Yeah, I guess. A flatbed? It's a cab over, Ted. Ted, you're embarrassing yourself on this podcast. You just went down a 60%. No, no, Tucker. Wait, no, no, he went up. He went up. Yeah, he went up. No, no, no, no, no. It's a cab over. It's a flatbed. Okay. Boss. I raise you this. I raise you this. Are you ready for this? Okay, okay.

Tucker, how much does that pull up my... Well, no, it'll pull you back down towards the depths because us blue-collar men are in the depths. It'll pull you back down about 10%.

So we'll give you a 65% white collar. 65% isn't bad. That's pretty good. You got 35% No, 35%. You can't do math either. I don't even know what that is. That's just dumb. 35% blue collar. I'm just trying to trick you. No, you're not. No, you're not. You gotta understand, Tucker, I'm 110%

in any situation in my life. So you got to give me that extra time. You are. I've always put 110% in. So that math checks out, babe. That math checks out.

Also, I drive my Tacoma. That's actually, you know, basketball size hole in the passenger seat. Well, if anything, that helps my case for the blue collar aspect. Blue collar man would have fixed it. Bingo.

Depends Have you ever even gotten that thing undercoated? Oh wait that's not legal in your little little California I bet you don't even change your own oil bro I bet he doesn't even change his own oil I bet he never has You ever done an oil change Ted? Have you ever done an oil change? Yes I have When was the last time you changed oil on a car flat?

This year, it was right before I moved. You did that? Yes, I did. What kind of oil does it take? I can't tell you off the top of my head. Can you tell me the exact spec of oil your truck takes? OW20. Okay. I've only changed it about 100 fucking times. Fair enough. Whoa.

Nice. Yeah, Subaru Abac, OW20. It's synthetic. It's really lightweight shit. Yeah, got it up on the jacks. I do have to say, though, Tucker, you know, if those rankings, if that spread that you're talking about, that 75-25 versus, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on with it.

Can you fucking shut the fuck up? Sorry, that was my 75 coming out. Sorry, that was my 75. Jesus Christ, dude. What the hell? Sorry, sorry. I'm going to take twice as long to get it out, and everyone's going to be miserable. No, no, that was my bad. I apologize. All right. Well, you're not going to like what I'm going to say next because every day you work this job and every day you keep doing this talk. Okay, I know exactly where you're going with this. You're leaking, dude. You're leaking. I know. I am. I am.

I'll see you walking by and there's just going to be a little, it's going to be like the windshield wiper fluid leaking out of my car when I fill it up all the way. Okay. It's just going to be this little blue trail falling behind you. I know. And I will, I'm going to say this. I will redeem myself once I get my, once I get my ranch. Okay. When I get my new England ranch, I will redeem myself. Okay. And, and I, you'll see. Here's a question I have for you is owning that much property.

Is that a white collar thing or a blue collar thing? I think it's traditionally blue collar, but it's become a white collar thing because the fucking liberals have driven up the property prices so much. So I. Yeah. All right. It's true. It's true. All right.

Yeah, I'll accept that. Now, Tucker, you actually said that. So you had a you had a game for us today or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get on with the video, huh? OK. Or the pod. Well, yeah, we just had our opening chat, you know, nothing wrong with that. Hold on. Yeah, it was only half the podcast. Wait, Tucker, did you come to class prepared? Oh, I definitely did. But did you? Because we're doing are you smarter than a fifth grader today? Yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah. Uh-oh. Did you guys do your homework? Because a word phraser sequence that reads the same forward and backward is called what? Wait, okay. Oh, so we're in this. Oh, Schlatt just got the first point, baby. Oh, he's on his way to a chuckle gold star. I didn't even know we were already in the game. Wow, that was quick. Ready started. Thank you. Snaps, Keith. All right, what is the process of water turning into vapor called? Sublimation. Wrong. Evaporation.

Well, I don't know what to do if he gives a wrong answer first. Condensation? No, all right. Yeah, it's evaporation. So Ted definitely... I don't know. Well, you made it sound... Well, okay, first of all... First of all, you made it sound like he was wrong. That's why I was like, does Tucker want something different? No, no, no, no. Well, he said sublimation... Because in my experience with these game show things, Tucker, you know, sometimes the answers aren't exactly right. I'm going to tell you that... I'm going to read you the question, and then you're going to tell me that you're locked in.

And once you're locked in, I'll go, okay, Ted, what's your answer? We have to announce that we're locked in. You have to announce that you're locked in. I'll say, Schlatt, what's your answer? Ted, what's your answer? I'll alternate. You guys will go, I've got my answer.

Here it is. Okay. And you get one shot. You can't go, it's sublimation. No, wait, it's evaporation. You get one shot. So everything we just did there, that entire exercise doesn't count then, surely. That's two for Schlepp. No, no, it's not because I didn't even know that. Because I answered two questions. No, no, no. I answered two questions right. I answered two questions right. No, Tucker, because I didn't even know. Definitely not wrong. Because, Tucker, I didn't.

Yeah, because I didn't even know we were doing it yet. You just started. I was zoned out. Yeah, we're playing. I had zoned out for 10 seconds plus. Are you smarter than a fifth-dater? My question is what happens when water turns to gas? And then I turned on, and then I locked in. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I've got something to say.

You're really pissing me off right now, Buckaroo. You know, I was thinking, and my wife talked to me about this. She said, you were a little hard on Ted last episode, and you were really buttering up with Shad. No, because Tucker knows he can do this. Tucker knows he can do this. I'll tell you what this is. Hold on, I'm about to actually butter you up. No, no, actually, you know what I'm going to do? You know what I'm going to do? Okay, you're not going to hear the compliments then.

I'm not going to be manipulated like this. I'm not going to be manipulated like this because I'll tell you what Tucker does. Tucker is so secure in our friendship that what he will do is he will always choose the other side. He will always choose the opposite side that I'm on. So because because because he's trying to build things.

He's trying to network. He's trying to butter Schlatt up. He's oiling up his taint. I don't want any part of Schlatt. My taint is naturally oily. It doesn't need to be oiled up by a man. It doesn't need to be natural. Dude, naturally, it's a moist area. And you've been using some bespoke oil, dude. Tucker got into the call, and he started going...

He's wiping them up. He's getting ready. He's like, where's little Schlattie? I'm ready to get his taint in my hands. And that's what you've been doing this all the way. You can't get a taint in your hands. Taint is the uncanny valley between the balls and the asshole. You're not getting any of that in your hands. No, he's getting his bottom bosom. He's getting his hands all over.

his hands all over that head relax and and then it infects the games because then it'll be like one of those things where like Slatt gets it and I think that Slatt gets it because you know I just kind of like the guy we enter in the call Tucker's like Slatt you're looking really pretty today laughing

I've never done that. It's his opening move. It's his opening move. Listen to me well, audio listeners. This is the classic LA liberal, I answer two questions right and you deny that I even got it correct because you just don't care about what's actually true. Tucker got in here and he is buttering Schlatt up. Notice how he didn't address either of those. Like a Christmas tree.

Turkey! Like a Christmas turkey. I think it's a Christmas ham, actually. Turkey's more of a Thanksgiving guy. Yeah, classic L.A. hippo. You're completely detached from the cold season. Fucking dickhead!

Oh, it's such a clutch off-season pickup, Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those blackout motorized shades. Blinds.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install? No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some from my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install. Hall of Fame's son? They're the number one online retailer of

This episode is brought to you by CarMaxx.

Boldly searching for your next used vehicle? With CarMax, you don't have to settle on anything when it comes to your ride. Instead, steer clear of the ordinary and buy the car that's right for you. Because CarMax makes it easy to stop settling and find a car you'll love today. Start shopping now at CarMax.com. CarMax, the way car buying should be.

Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my 100th Mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, honestly, when I started this, I thought I'd only have to do like four of these. I mean, it's unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month. How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash save whenever you're ready. For

$45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes. See details. So, Ted, I admit I was taking Schlatt's side last time, and I was giving you a harder time, but that's because I... Honestly, this is the truth. Like, this isn't even for the podcast.

I was like, Ted's so good at all this shit, man. I don't need to take his side. Like Ted's always fucking good at being on stage. Fuck him. So I can take the other side. And there I said it. So it was a little bit of projection. It was a little bit of a rejection after everything I everything I did for you after everything I did for you.

You made me go see, what was that play? A Walk in the Woods or something? Into the Woods? Yeah, that's the one. We should move on. You get mad at me because you came to my show? Let's calm down. Let's calm down. Let's move on. What is the process of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly called? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Bring back that second grade lore. You're going to need it. Oh, shit. Fuck.

Think Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp. I don't know, but that doesn't help me one bit. It does if you are smart, which apparently neither of you are. Who owns Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp? What's the parent company? Locked in. Okay, Schlatt is locked in. Are you ready for my answer? Okay, I guess I'm locked in too. Okay, Schlatt locked in first. We're going to give him the metamorphosis. Bingo.

So it's three nothing. Wait, okay. Now I'm confused because is it, is the locked in? Are we, are we, is locked in us saying the beep thing? Yeah. So we have to lock him. Okay. Yeah. You lock in, you're hitting the buzzer. Cause you made it seem like you were going to, you were going to ask us each and then we both had it. I think once one. All right, let's, we're making the rules as we go here as we do, which is literally fucking me over every fucking time.

You're slow. How's that fucking you over every time? How's that fucking you over every time? How about say a correct answer for once? You've given zero correct answers, motherfucker. I knew the answer. You expect me to give handouts like the liberal fuck you are. I knew the fucking answer. Oh, let's keep social security going. Even though it won't benefit us, he'll be out of money in 20 years.

Once one of you locks in, the other has like five seconds to lock in. Otherwise, it just defaults to the person who said it. I definitely locked in within five seconds last time. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. The viewers will know. Okay, here we go. The viewers always know. Ted, you might be able to lock in on this one because I know you went there recently. Man, I am so fucking close to firing you. What is the capital of Australia?

Lock in. Ted's locked in. Flat. You have three. What? Lock in. All right, Ted. What's the answer? Do I get to lock in? Sydney. Are you kidding me? Did I get it wrong? Yeah, you got it wrong. Flat. Melbourne. Melbourne. No. Perth. Perth. No. What the fuck? What's the capital of Australia? It's Canberra. Oh, yeah. I didn't fucking know that. What the hell?

You guys suck. Tucker, you didn't know that either. Yeah, but I'm not playing the game, dude. I'm just the host. I didn't go to Canberra when I went to Australia. That threw me off. Yeah, I bet. I thought for sure Ted was going to be bad. I was like, I'll throw in a question I know Ted will get so he doesn't feel bad. This should be a show that they pitch in the future is like, what if we got a game show and it operated like a normal game show, but the

host is drunk and that is the it would be a really strong thing to be like oh like sometimes he starts he changes the rules as the game the game is ever changing okay so we're gonna change the rule again it's just gonna be it's just gonna be the first person to yell it out because the lock-in thing doesn't really make sense yes it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't so the first person to yell out they're gonna go my answer is and then they'll say it

Just make it official. So we're back to where we started. Dude, Canberra being the capital of Australia is like Albany being the capital of New York. What the fuck are you actually talking about? Albany? No one in Europe knows that Albany is the capital of New York. Albany. No one in Europe knows that. Albany. Get the fuck out of here. In classical music, what instruments usually compromise, usually comprise a string quartet?

violin violin viola cello bass okay right now i'm leaning schlatt for like a half point but you're missing something violin viola and you added a little too much ted's on the right violin cello bass let's just give string quartet let's throw a multiplier on there for something that's four instruments i named four instruments

There's a four in a string orchestra. You had one. One of yours was wrong. One of the instruments is a double. Oh, there's first and second violin and then no bass. Alto. Schlatt gets it. That's a gold star for Schlatt. Wait, is it specifically first and second or is it like an alto violin? It's two violins, a viola, and a cello. I would have never gotten that in my life. That's four nothing, Schlatt. If someone said your life is on this and you're going to die if you get this wrong, I would have died.

Okay, here's the question. On the periodic table, which element is represented by the letter N? Nitrogen. Schlatt gets it. Ted, what's going on with you, man? I'll tell you what's going on. This is upsetting for me. This might be our last challenge episode. I'll be honest. I think it's a latency issue. Okay.

You can think that. You can think that. You guys are both on the same time zone. That's right. The extra 10 milliseconds it takes for the zeros and ones to get over to you. On this next one, I'm going to mute Schlatt or I'm going to deafen him or something. I'm going to say it to Ted and then I'm going to undefinite Schlatt and immediately say it to him. Oh, fuck you. How is that fair? Okay, Schlatt, if you get this right, though, you're going to feel like a million bucks. Okay. So I'm going to double him up. I'm going to deafen me.

He can't hear me. The question is, what does a paleontologist study? Schlatt, the question is, what does a paleontologist study? Fossils. The answer is fossils. That's fucking stupid. I said dinosaur bones. That's basically true. Oh my God. You said dinosaur bones? I will show you. I will show you here. Let me make this invisible so you can't see. Dinosaur bones. Dinosaur bones. That's true. That's true.

There's other fossils. There's little isopods. This isn't stupid. This is you needing to say the right answer. There's isopods. There's little seashells. There's so many things that these people study besides dinosaurs. I get smarter every episode. I'm genuinely a smart individual. Didn't even go to college. I got a 33 on the ACT. I don't know. I never took that. Yeah, I know you didn't.

I have a degree, fuckface. Okay. A degree in science. I'm a scientist. Yeah, we can call it science. I hate these challenges. I hate these challenges because I'm smart. Let me tell you something, Tucker. If they have to add science to the subject you're studying, it's not a real science. You know, honestly, I can get behind that.

I can get behind it. All right, what's the next question? In colonial America, what was the Sugar Act? Attacks on sugar? I'm looking for something a little more specific.

I don't know. A tax on sugar by the British on the colonies? A tax on the import of sugar? Forget the word sugar tax. Find something else. What is the sugar tax? And forget the word sugar. Yeah. I don't remember. I don't know what the sugar tax is. We're going to forget this one. I'll give you the answer. The answer was a tax on molasses and wine. Oh, you know, speaking of molasses, I did some research on this thing.

Did you know that there was a flood of molasses in Boston? Everybody knows about the flood. Okay, well, I'm just saying, you guys grew up around Boston. Some people don't know about the molasses flood, okay? Killed people. Let me tell you about this molasses flood. You know what people forget about? They forget about the Boston Massacre. Dear listener. Yeah, they do forget about the Boston Massacre. It's a goddamn shame. The Boston Marathon bombing?

No, no, no, it's a Boston Massacre when the British open fired on a crowd of protesters for no reason I'm sure I got a reason in the British textbook. All right. This was a this was a flood from a molasses factory the wall exploded and

And a 20 foot tidal wave of fucking molasses came and killed like 20 people. They drowned in it. Can you imagine drowning in something thicker than maple syrup? That has to be the worst way to go ever. Yeah, that's like real life quicksand. Yeah. Because quicksand isn't real. No, you can't. You genuinely can't generate enough thrust to get yourself out of molasses. Oh.

I don't like that. No. Well, that's like drowning in oil, basically. Yeah, it's pretty grim. I think way thicker, right? But how can a wave be that? Like, how do you get a 20-foot-tall wave of molasses? That just doesn't. How much molasses they need back then?

I mean, you know, they, they, I think that that's what their main, their main thing was that. Their main thing was molasses. Yeah. I think that old people love molasses, dude. I think they make liquor out of it too. Right. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. They're making shit out of that. That's a crazy bit of trivia there. I can't believe like, like 20 plus people died from a tidal wave of molasses. Yeah.

It's ridiculous. How the fuck does that happen? Molasses. You really went down a Wikipedia rabbit hole, didn't you? I did. That sounds like a worker disaster at a Wonka factory. It doesn't sound like something that really happened. You guys ever see the Chinese factory worker safety videos?

If this is a rabbit hole, you haven't gone down yet. You will there. They are grim. They have these 3d animated worker safety videos that are all like things that absolutely happened. And they're brutal. They are brutal. I'll look them up and check them out. They're all like 3d animations for like a safety training video, but it's like no one would have thought of dying like this unless it actually happened. Right.

Check it out. It'll show up in your TikTok feed if you say it out loud a few times. That was a good one, Tucker. Yeah, I know. That's why I said it. Okay, the next one. All right. Now I'm taking it back now. I'm taking it back. You already said it. You said it genuinely. What's the score? Now I'm taking it back. It's flat everything, 10-0. 5-0?

Let's not put numbers to it, okay? It's just rude. Okay, okay. Okay, here's the question. Which general led U.S. troops during the Vietnam War? No. No. That's a real blue-collar question here. That's a real blue-collar question. I don't know. I don't actually know that. Ted, you don't act like you know that. It was the Vietnam War? I probably told Ted in high school because I was a nerd about this shit. I probably forced him to watch a documentary about...

Yeah. Vietnam. McCarthy. No, not McCarthy. You're thinking. MacArthur. You think of World War Two. Yeah. Like now I don't. I don't know. The answer is General William Westmoreland. Yeah, I was. Who was that guy? Who was our teacher, Ted? What was his name? We both had him for a history. U.S. History, too.

I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. He was like a fucking weirdo. Remember him? You can't remember his name. So why are you getting mad at me for an hour? You've been good at this stuff. The teachers and stuff, you know, I dude, I've been moving. He was like a white guy, like 40 years old. He was like a weird dork. His hair was sometimes totally flat. Like he forgot to put gel in it.

Imagine this. You've been moving boxes all day, working your tail off, setting stuff up, sweating. You sit down. I've moved three times in the time that you've been in that apartment. Shut your mouth. Your server muted. I sit down. I sit down to be welcomed by...

a duo of luxurious boys that have been sitting on their asses all day just waiting and being like, let's do a little game of trivia. I'm like, what? What? It's like, here's a piece of information you learned when you were two. What's this? And I'm like, I guess, fuck you guys. Okay, here's the question. How many adjectives are in this sentence? Billy made a rude noise in class. One.

Slack got a gold star in half a second. I don't even know how he did that, dude. That would have taken me 25 seconds. Yeah, dude. You know, and you see that question. You know what's crazy too? This question hits me in sort of a sore spot because I frequently forget what is an adjective and a verb. I know what a noun is. People play certain things. But when it comes to adjectives and verbs, I'm always like, what the fuck is that again? Yeah.

adjectives are descriptors and verbs are like action and adverbs are the weird shits if we go no they describe a noun the adverbs describe a verb okay take it easy schlatt take it easy now you're stressing me out now yeah you're stressing me out honestly what's the next question the next question is what is the longest river in the united states

the mississippi river you're both wrong it's the missouri river suck my nuts suck my suck my my balls and nuts and cock okay here's the question okay the mississippi has more tributaries then fuck you does it ted does it probably have you seen the have you seen the tributary map the mississippi is pretty impressive and it is a different mississippi wait what's a different river

The Mississippi River that runs through Austin? It's a different Mississippi River. Yeah, that's right. Not the same Mississippi. I didn't tell me it was wrong.

No, I'm just letting everybody know he's right. Schlatt says like a statement. Schlatt says like a statement. Tucker's like, yeah, Ted, no, you're wrong. Schlatt's right here. I'm like, I didn't say anything. As a local scientist, he's right. Oh, my God. Okay, what's the next question? What is the clinical name for the thigh bone?

The femur. Ted, you're first. Ted's on the board. You're on the board, Ted. I'm going to highlight this answer in blue as that's Ted's color. Very nice, dude. Very nice. Okay, here's the next question. Neither of you are going to get this. If you guys get this, you'll genuinely impress me. Okay. Who was the first American in space? Oh, first American? Do you know a different nationality, Ted? No.

I actually Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space. Okay. So that's getting impressive. But can you really impress me here?

No, unless it was Buzz Aldrin or Neil Armstrong. No, no, no. Those are moon boys. I have no idea. Bobby Smith. No, it is Alan Bartlett Shepard Jr. Wait, that's what I just said. Alan Bartlett Shepard Jr. Okay, the question is, which Civil War battle took place the farthest north? Oh, the Battle of Bull Run, baby. Nope. Nope.

I don't know a single one. It's St. Albans Raid in Vermont. Yeah, no, not going to happen. Okay, what is the smallest fish in the world? Minnow. You're on to something. Tadpole. No, no, you're getting further away. That's an amphibian. Try adding a word to that, Shlatt. What? Baby minnow. You're getting closer.

Babies. Little tiny baby minnow? Little tiny baby minnows in my lake. Don't make me speak in plural. Little tiny baby minnows in my lake. No, no. No, no, no. Baby, baby, micro baby minnow. Get rid of the word baby and replace it with something. Little minnow. Oh.

A real scientific way to say little. Pigmy minnow? Tiny minnow. No, no. The first person who gets it. Micro minnow? Dwarf minnow. Oh, Shlank gets it just like that. No fucking way. No fucking way. It's the dwarf minnow. Wow, gold star once again. Okay, how many inches are there in two yards? Wait, what'd you say? How many inches are there in two yards? How many inches are there in two yards? Oh, smack God. Dude, Shlank.

And you know what's crazy about this, Ted? I'm wasted. I'm wasted. I think when Schlatt drinks or whatever, I think he gets smarter. Now, can I tell you a story? In social studies class in seventh grade, I got a 93 on a test. And I went home on the bus with a huge smile on my face because it's the first time I felt normal. Because that was the lowest grade I had gotten on a test in years.

years years of 93 and i was like oh fuck i'm like the other kids i don't get 99s anymore i get 93s i don't want to be on this podcast anymore okay okay man no okay i failed a lot of high school math tests like real f yeah i took calculus in uh 11th grade i took pre-calc 12th and i got a d plus i think

And I was, that was, I think that I'm good at math, but I have to like put the time in.

Like, I think I can do it, but, like, I got to study. And I was playing too much Arma 3 in high school to study, you know? Yeah. All right, I don't want to hear any more of this. I want more questions. What's the score? Can we get up to speed on the score? There's no score. Yeah, forget the score, Shlatt. Trust me, you don't need to worry about the score. Okay, okay. Let me know when I do. We're going to hit some questions that I think Ted will really vibe with.

That's going to see this. This sucks because now I'm not going to get these. And then targets me like, I can't believe that you didn't get those. These are historical questions, Ted. These aren't. These aren't. I know. But here's the thing. These aren't questions are easier for me to get. You understand. These aren't questions that aren't easier for me are going to be easier for me to get. These are questions that are more embarrassing for me to not get. You got to understand. No, no. I understand. I understand that.

Because I know how you're going to be like, whoa, Ted, I...

Thought you would have gotten that one. And then we're going to move on and I'm going to fall deeper and deeper into this fucking hole. Now you're making me feel bad. Oh, am I? This is the part when you got the conscience? This is the part? Yeah, this is the part. This is the part where you grow a heart, Mr. Grinch? So that's distracted. So since the late 1930s, what calendar date has been designated for the inauguration of U.S. presidents? January 20th.

slack got it out earlier i said it i'm gonna say that that was literally no i guarantee you i started talking it was the latency it was the latency so we're gonna call that one just like a neutral you know no give me the point you fucking did don't deserve the point i got 20th out first he literally finished it before you did from the latency the latency okay i'm gonna give it to both of you

You know, I give it to both of you. I can't. With the honor, Ted, it's an honor thing. Ted, he heard you start first and he heard me finish first. So what latency are you even talking about? It doesn't even make sense. That's true. Here's another historical one. Well, this is the first time that if we say it at the same time that I have to finish first. This is a new rule right there. Hey, buddy, I always finish first.

That's why I've gotten so far ahead in life. Now, wait a second. I started first. Doesn't that mean I get priority on the question? What? Yeah, it does. We're not locking in anymore. We're finishing. We're saying the right answer. The whole thing was like whoever started saying the question answered. I finished my answer. I said the correct answer first. We're going to move on to this question that is titled, What revolutionary leader wrote the influential common sense in 1776?

Oh, shit. Fuck. It wasn't Paul Revere. No, it was not Paul Revere. It was not Paul Revere. Let it be known that was a really dumb thing to even say. He just wrote in on Ben Franklin? No, it wasn't Ben Franklin. Ted and Franklin. It was not. No, it was one of the... The lessers. Yeah, yeah. One of the lesser knowns. You know, honestly, that's why I knew that it was a lesser. I might just give this answer to Swag.

What? He knew that it was a lesser. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I am. I am. You better be. Just riling you up. Because I said dinosaur buns and you were like, well, it's actually fossils. Well, Slack got it verbatim, dude. You can't not give it to the guy who got it verbatim. Who is it? I'm interested to know. The answer is Thomas Paine. Yes, of course, Thomas Paine. That's my last name right now. Oh, of course. Oh, of course.

It was on the tip of my tongue. Okay, I'm going to give you another historical one. I'm really rooting for Ted over here. He's a self-proclaimed historian. That's nice, Tucker. He hates it. What ancient civilization built the Machu Picchu complex in Peru? The Aztecs? The Mayans? Further away, buddy. Get out of Mexico. The Inca? Yeah, there you go. Okay, we'll give it to Ted. We're going to give Ted that light blue...

Oh, okay. This is an easy one, so perk your ears up if you need to catch up here. Enough of these. Enough of these. What type of animal can live on both water and land? Amphibian. Fuck, dude. Ted, that was supposed to be for you.

I think this is the last competitive Ted I hate seeing you get upset during the podcast it's two in a row now this is miserable this is just me getting questions wrong taking it in stride Ted Tucker being like Ted you little dumbass idiot takes another swig of his fucking rum and coke

I'm not drinking a rum and coke, dude. I'm drinking a rum and diet coke. Okay. Who is the author of the 1960 novel about social and racial inequality to kill a mockingbird? Oh, my God. Kurt Vonnegut. Wrong. To kill a mockingbird. You got this, Ted. Come on. You put those circle glasses to work. I don't know this answer, Ted. This is all you, buddy. Come on. Just get it. Just get it right. Just lock in.

Dude, I don't know. I mean, I'm just going to say names that come to my head. F. Scott Fitzgerald. Fuck, dude, you're not even close. Oh, no. Fucking Kill a Mockingbird. I don't know, dude. It's been a while since I read that one. Just think, Ted. Just think with all your might. Okay, just think. I'm not going to get it. Who is it? I'm not going to tell you. We're going to sit here until you get this. I don't know. Fucking Orson Welles.

No, no, we're just going to sit here. We're going to sit here until you get it. You got it, man. You got it. You got this, dude. You got it. I got it wrong.

Okay, I got it wrong. No, Ted, come on. Don't be like that. You got this, buddy. You got it. Come on. Just dig deep. No. No, I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. You know why? Because I will not be treated like this. I will not be... I will not be... Okay, I'll give you the answer. ...abused like this. No, I will not. Because I got something to say. Because Tucker's view of me has steeped

So low. So far down below into the depths. I hold you up here. And it's honestly refreshing when you get to get taken down a peg because I hold you up here all day. And when you come back to my level, when you come back to this blue collar idiocy, it's like, ah, Ted's still on my level. I still know him. I still know this guy. If you were just saying that, I would believe you. But given the fact that you have...

teacher of the class slipped me a little note in Discord DMs telling me the answer to the fucking question. I refuse to answer the fucking question. You slipped him the answer? I slipped him the answer because I didn't want to be embarrassed.

This paragon of honor. Tucker thinks that he can, he thinks that, you know, no, because you know what is friendship? No, no, no. Friendships above honor. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, because if I answered this, because I know you, I've known you for years. I know that if I were to ever gain any sort of ground in this game, if I took that answer from you, Tucker, you would later on be like at the end of the podcast or something like, well, I get the answer earlier. And then I'd be like, what the fuck?

- No, I wasn't gonna do that. - Let me admit something, Tucker. I was watching both of you. I saw you go for your keyboard, type out a little thing and then go right back to your pose. And I was like, did he just- - Right back to my pose? What are you, a fucking lieutenant? Yeah, no, I did. I did slip- - Who is it? - Who was- - Harper Lee. - It's Harper Lee. See, Ted got it. See, we gave him the time, he got it.

We're going to give Ted that answer. No, no. I refuse actually to take that point. Well, it's already set in stone. So how many countries are in Africa? No fucking way. Fucking 50. You're crazy. Oh my God. Ted. You are one off. What? 52. You are one off. Wrong direction. 54. 54. Ted, you got it. Shit.

I had a general notion. I had a general idea based on how compressed they get below. Below? Expand on that. Like, okay. You got the top...

You got the top ones and then it starts getting whatever, dude. Just get it. What's the next question? Who is the 16th president of the United States? Abraham Lincoln. Oh my God. I knew that one too. I knew that when I was about to start talking. He's really, really smart. It's, it's intimidating. I know the answers to these questions. One is equal to how many centimeters?

I didn't hear that I was talking you fucking asshole Okay here it comes again Listen up write this down 1 inch is equal to 1.63 centimeters Wrong wrong wrong I'm wrong 0.73 centimeters You think a centimeter is bigger than an inch I don't know 1 inch is equal to

No, that doesn't make any sense. You're not even making sense, Tucker. What? One inch is equal to how many centimeters? How many centimeters are in an inch? Oh, one point. One point. Three? No. It's one point something. Three and a half? It's 2.54, gentlemen. Okay. There was no way. Who's got that? I don't even know how many inches. I don't even know how many feet are in a mile, bro.

Oh, there's like 3,600 or something. No, 5,000 something. It's like 5,124. It's 5,280. Yeah. I was pretty close. You were close. Not enough to get a point, though. What blood type is known as the universal recipient? O negative. A, B positive. What did you... A, B positive. We're going to give this a slack. The answer I have is A, B. Okay. Okay.

I'm not even hearing the full question before Schlatt gives an answer. I feel like that's not my fault, though. I think that just proves how smart Mr. Schlatt is. Thank you. I think it's a latency thing. I think it's a latency thing. He's got more of a question before I do. I don't think it's a latency thing. I mean, you DMed me the other day. You said, I got gigabit fiber now. It's great. It's incredible. No, I don't have gigabit. What do you have?

dude i got like 30 up max oh do you have spectrum yeah well yeah my up my up is this is like 40 up i got 40 up but i 500 up down right now i bet that's all right your way all right what's the next one give me another one give me another one let's go what's the most abundant element in the universe fucking uh uh fucking uh just spit one out hydrogen hydrogen

Yeah, you're both right. I definitely said that first. Yeah, Ted was getting that H out first. I definitely fucking said that first. He started saying it because he heard me say it. Yeah, no, I am going to give that one to Ted. No, it's fair. Give him the point. Give him the point. Yeah, it is hydrogen. You got to finish your words quicker, man. Yeah, you do. Finish your words quicker. The Hundred Years War of the 14th and 15th century. France and England.

Was primarily a conflict between England and what other country? France. Ted gets it. Nice, dude. I was halfway to the question. Wow, Ted, you were complaining about what you just did. You were complaining about me doing what you just did, by the way. Well, yeah, now I know. That's what I got to do to win. Exactly. Exactly. Ted, I don't think we have enough questions on my page for you to win. Keep going. The flag of the European Union features a circle of how many stars? 16. 16.

12. Slack gets it. It's 12. What river forms the border between Indiana and Kentucky? Missouri? Mississippi. I don't know. Who the fuck cares? Indiana and Kentucky. Who the fuck? I'm sorry. Who the fuck cares? Think Appalachia. Think Appalachia. You guys are all thinking West Side. Come on.

Who the fuck cares? I repeat. There's one other big river in that region. Don't care. Don't care. Give me a second. Okay, apparently Schlatt doesn't care, which I don't know why that's relevant. Pass, I don't care. Pass, I don't care. Shut up. Pass, I don't care. Cut it out, Eddie Burback.

Yeah, let me think. So you got the Missouri, you got the Mississippi, and then you've got... Nile. Wrong. What is it? What is it? Yangtze? Yangtze? Are you kidding me? Wait, the Rhine? The Rhine? The Seine. No, it's the Seine. It's the Seine. No. Thames. Thames, mate. It was a meme like a couple years ago.

Man, what river? Slatt's going to get this and you're going to feel really bad. Ohio River. Bingo. Fuck off. Fuck off. Dude, he's got the Neuralink or something. Yeah, he does have Neuralink. That's why he's wearing his hood? Because he got the Neuralink surgery this week. No, I'm wearing my hood because I'm fucking said that she liked my hair. Yeah, Slatt, well, it doesn't look as good when you don't have the glasses on.

He's got a butt plug in and he's getting more scared. That's what's happening. Wrong. That happens, Tucker. That happens in professional chess. Okay? Yeah, but it doesn't mean it's not wrong and gross. Okay. It's wrong and gross. Next question. The next question is, what is a hyperbole? It's gross and an over-exaggeration. A large expression. Slack out of Ted. I'm sorry. I would love for Ted to get every single one. I get to go over to Ted's house and I just get to kiss him on the cheek, but...

What was the score on that one? Was it how fast it got out or what you decided? The verbatim answer was an exaggeration to show emphasis. What Schlatt got out, which he got out faster, was also more accurate. We gave it to Mr. Schlatt. The interior angles of a triangle always sum to what degree? 180. Schlatt gets it.

I'm just making shit up right now. I'm just like, I'm barely hearing the question. The initials of the federal agency known as NASA. What does the first A stand for? Aeronautical. Astronomical? It's aeronautics. So I'm going to lean that one towards that. Yeah. We'll give him a half point on that one. Man. Damn, you guys went through a lot of these. I only got one more for you guys.

In the sentence, Sally is a very good person. What part of the speech is the word very? What part of speech? Adjective, noun, verb. Adverb. Schlatt got it. Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. Wow. So Schlatt won like a lot to not a lot. We can score that up on the real edit.

But it was breathtaking. That's probably going to be the last time we do this kind of thing because I really don't want Ted to start hating me. I'm sorry. I thought I put a lot of historical ones in there. I did. I was like, I really want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. This fucking sucks. Do I get a victory speech? Yeah, you could absolutely give a victory speech. How come our infrastructure is collapsing? Server mute.

How come our wait, what? No, I want to hear this fine on server mute. And you know, the big problem is that we're making progress in this fucking hoo-ha fairy tale land field of, of computing instead of actual living. Think,

Think about China. Think about Japan. What do they have? They have trains that go 300 miles a fucking hour. And the United States is crumbling because all we care about is AI and fucking Google and fucking computer science, fake science bullshit. What did we just do? Again, Tucker, computer science, fake.

I thought that was what you do. We need people to go into engineering. We need them to go into aeronautics. Brother, we're all in entertainment. Dude, I'm just telling you, we need people building up the infrastructure of this country because we're falling behind. They're fixing a train bridge in my town right now. They're fixing a train bridge. Good for you. I actually, you know, funny enough, this train bridge is right at an intersection with a light.

I would, when it was a red light, I would stop like 25 feet early because I would not stop underneath this bridge because it looked like it was going to fall. So I would always stop early. Some people would honk at me. I would say, hey, go ahead. Go past it. I wish you went over it. Well, you want me to die? That's a really fucked up thing to say, Ted. What the hell? Really fucked up thing to say, dude. How could you wish that on me?

And you know what? I encourage all chucklers, all audio listeners to listen to the Joe Rogan experience with Peter Thiel. And he brings up a great few points about this infrastructure thing, about how America and a lot of the Western world has put too much emphasis on the virtual, the virtual.

fake world instead of actual infrastructure and advancements in technology that actually make a difference in our day to day outside these little fucking useless bricks that we carry every day of our lives. Okay?

So, hey, it's great that we're all having fun talking about trivia. But what we should really be asking isn't these little fleeting questions about history, the northernmost fucking battle of the Civil War. It's why aren't the New York City subways like maintained? Here's a question. Why is everything crumbling? Here's a question I have. Yeah. Why is it that...

Schlatt gets little points for this and that for being close. But then when it came to the northernmost Civil War battle, I actually named a Civil War battle. Schlatt did nothing. And yet I got nothing for that. You didn't say the right answer or anything. Yeah, but Tucker be like the Battle of Bull Run. What state? What state was that in?

Fucking, I don't know, Georgia. You don't even know. Of course it wasn't Georgia. That wasn't even close to the border. The battles are happening closer to the border. Yeah, it was probably happening like probably

North Carolina. Okay, you just proved your own point of why you're not getting a half point. No, because I named a Civil War battle. You're asking for a half point? I named a Civil War battle. This has been great, guys. This has been really great. I can't wait to go lay down with my boy Jambo. I'm going to take him off that perch he's got. He's been looking out the window the whole time. I'm going to take him out. He's going to be all warm because that's a heated perch I set up for him. I built for him.

And he's going to start, he's going to wake up, he's going to do his little cute little meow when he's all tired, when you can tell he was just sleeping, he's going to go. And then I'm going to say, oh, Jambo, come lay with me. And I'm going to sit him down on my chest, on my bed, on my king bed, on my Alaskan king bed, I might add.

He's gonna start rubbing he's gonna start rubbing is what I say Oh Jambo's rubbing now and he'll start rubbing his head against my head Trying to get his scent all over me because he claims me as his favorite person in The world the end. I've been feeding your cat magnets every time I visit. No, you haven't been feeding a magnets No, you haven't

When you sign up at WorkMoney, you could win $50,000. With the average renter paying around $2,100 per month, that means you can have rent covered for a whole year and more. So you can be more. And when you're more, that means you get more. And more. Ooh, but not so much of that. Sign up at WorkMoney. Get money-saving tips. Skip the rent. Get more rich. Sign up at WorkMoney.org slash MoreRichContest for your chance to win $50,000.