64: HOW TANA LOST HER TOOTH IN HAWAII - Ep. 64
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The glad girl group coming at you with a throwback jam. That was glad force flex drawstring trash bags featuring pine salt, original scent, and that's better than all good. It's all glad saving on your education should be a right, not a competition at university of Phoenix. Our bachelors and master scholarships are accessible to all. You'll get the best scholarship or savings you qualify for. Simple as that.

because everyone deserves an opportunity to save on their education without competing for it. Explore scholarship options at University of Phoenix. Hello and welcome back to the canceled podcast. Holy freaking crap, because I can't cuss in the first few seconds. Oh my God. Oh my gosh. I fear that this is going to be...

One of the most important episodes of Cancelled Podcast we ever filmed. You got some stuff? I got some stuff. We got some stuff. We're definitely going to be on this couch for three hours today. And honest to God, thank God, I need it. I love those episodes. But can I just get my main point out of the way really quickly? I got a lip flip. What?

After all the grief I gave Tana for getting a lip flip. And honestly, I just wanted to try it one time because I was like, what if that's what I'm supposed to be doing instead of lip filler? You know what I mean? It is. It is. But I will never love it. I will never forget being at the highlight room pool rooftop deck with you. And you look at me and you say your lip flip is so stupid. OK, first of all, you were bullying me for something else. I had to just throw something at you that I knew would hurt. But I.

Really have loved it over the past couple days But I think today's the first day that I'm like really starting to feel like a little bit like paralyzed by it So you know what I mean? And so I'm looking at myself in the viewfinder and I'm like, oh no, I keep making these like really strange faces So please for the love of god

Just you know Skip the comments Do you have Like a toxic relationship With it already though Where you like love it But you hate it No I do I do love it Like when I smile When I talk and stuff But I think something about Like just a little I keep trying to roll my lips together And I can't do it And there's like one dry spot On my lip And I'm like I will never forget The first time I got a lip flip I go to like rinse my mouth With mouthwash

I'm fully dressed, like ready to go out. I'm wearing white, blue Listerine all over, all over my entire outfit. I start sobbing because it's like you don't realize how many things you really need to do. Yeah, until it's too late. Yeah, it's a very paralyzing one, but I'm so addicted and I hate it half the time. I love it. Like I need one. I already realized like recently that I have like a little bit of a licking my lips tick and I get a lot of... It's not funny. Are you laughing at ticks? Yes.

I get a lot of comments about it. It's actually crazy. The amount of people who comment just to tell me how much I lick my lips. I'm like, get a fucking job. Well, not. Oh, my God. Touch grass. Touch grass. It's never get a job. It's always touch grass. It's never get a job. I don't have a job. Nobody needs a job. Well, OK. I've already done. I've already done too much. Oh, God. The most important podcast days are always days off.

Where I like put myself through hell. Like the night before. That's called market research. Not kidding at all. And I have crippling anxiety. But I do think I'm funnier in peril. So it's okay. But it's like I can never just shoot on a day where I wake up and like have celery juice. And like I'm happy. Like I shoot on the days where I have existential crises. Nobody wants to hear about that. I don't. I did a number on myself last night. What'd you do Tana Marie? Here's the thing dude. Like.

I love drinking everywhere that is not LA, Miami, and New York. Like in cities where I see people and cities where I do things, you know? No. Yeah. Elaborate. Like, what does that mean? So I'm in Hawaii and Trevi Moran texts me and she's like, I have the best Christmas present for you ever. I have the best gift for you ever. You're going to die. And I'm like, what is it? She sends me an invite to my idol party.

Seth MacFarlane's Christmas party. That's huge. And his Christmas parties are very notorious and talked about in LA because it's like Bella Hadid goes, the weekend goes, like the Kardashians go. Like it's like, I should never be allowed to set foot in that part. You know what I mean? And I was like, oh my God, thank you. I changed my flight. I'm like, I'm coming home. Let's do it.

And I'm terrified. I'm like so nervous because he's literally my idol family. I saved my life. I can't express it enough. And I don't care how stupid that sentence sounds. Family, I saved my life. It doesn't sound stupid. A little. A little. But I love him. You know what I mean? Of course. And so I get there and, you know, I'm like pacing myself just like getting drunk, like having fun, whatever. And then I see Miss Bella Thorne. I already love this story. Yeah.

And I'm looking good. I should be so beyond band. Like I should just say, actually take the time to go to the courthouse and file a restraining order on every single one of my exes. I think that when I see someone that I've like loved, like it's just like my actions are

become horrible. Just spiral central. I love her. I love to see her. We're great. She's with her fiance. I love him. But it's just like something happens to me. Something comes over me. It's not Tana anymore. It's Tina. It's common though. I feel like a lot of people feel that way. I meet another one of my idols and I'm standing there with my

with Bella and a couple other people and I love this person so I'm I'm fangirling I'm freaking out that he's talking to me he knows my name he talks about the podcast like this person even knowing about the podcast is batshit to me I'm like I was just gagged and let's just say that this person this idol of mine offers me a molly

Turn it down if my life depends You could never turn that down Ever I couldn't turn it down He could have offered you fucking heroin And I would have been like You have to do that I would have shot up I'm not doing so good this episode Honestly I'm gonna get cancelled Well No that's a name Um Should I take the molly? I take the molly Of course I do How long has it been Since you've taken a molly? A really long time actually You're like weeks Like Coachella Yeah

I think Coachella was the last time we took a Molly. Wow. Not a big Molly girl. I hate the anxiety of like the come up and like the next day, the way you feel like the way I feel right now. It's so beyond not worth it. It's borrowed happiness. Wow. I have chills. That was poetic because. People say that about alcohol too. You're borrowing happiness from the day after. I don't have like the sanity to handle that level of profound verbiage. The second I take the Molly.

I like leave my own body and I'm like looking at myself and I'm like, why would you do this to us? Why would you do this to us? You stupid fucking bitch. I make a random stranger walk me to the car. Like immediately I left immediately. I was like, I can't because I've been taking shots and like it's just it was such an irresponsible decision. I know what's going to happen. It was such an irresponsible decision, but like it was my idol and I made a dumb fucking decision. I feel like in those situations, sometimes you can pretend.

I've done that. I've pretended before. I absolutely should have. Which is so shameful. Like just say no kids. Like what the fuck am I talking about? I just took my vape out of a McDonald's fry box. Like I. And then I just send myself to like a million after parties. One of them being at Chris Miles' house. And I love him. He's my best friend. Like but just don't go there. Because you know how you're going to feel the next day. And I love all those people. And I think it's like they make me feel really safe. Like they all like protect me and like.

Are there for me. So when I like. Do something stupid like that. I like. Want to see them. But it's like. Yeah. You don't need to be there. I will say. I've only taken Molly a couple times. And my need for just familiarity. In that moment. Oh my god. Remember. The New Year's. And I was just calling you. Calling you. Calling you. Yes. I was like. I'm gonna die. Absolutely. That's. And that's exactly what I felt. And I just like. Needed to see like. My best friends. But it's like.

Don't go there. They changed Ashley and Isabella and all of them, the location of Chris's house on Life 360 to rock bottom. So the Life 360 notification will be like, Tana is at rock bottom. That's hysterical. Amari saw that Tana arrived at rock bottom, came and plucked me and took me out by the weave. I love that. I looked at him today. I said, don't even get me a Christmas gift because that's the best thing you could have ever done. It really is. So today...

My serotonin was left with my idol last night. Yeah, you left it on the dance floor. Uh-huh. Absolutely. But hello, Brooke Scofield. Well, you know what? Sometimes you just have those nights. I told you last night I threw up on Hollywood Boulevard. I thought you were kidding. No, I was not kidding at all. You got puked on Marilyn's star or what? I puked on somebody's star. I was out all day yesterday with my guy friends. And...

I'm in the middle like I'm just fucking I'm on the west side okay I don't go to the west side I'm in fucking Santa Monica in somebody's basement dude no it's a club called the basement seriously um and I'm like I'm just drinking drinking drinking and I write I realize I'm supposed to be at my fucking friend's birthday party and I'm just an idiot because I've been drinking all day long I just like it had slipped my mind and I go oh my god I have to get there now so I pulled Ari by his hair put him in an uber

And I showed up at her birthday party. Okay. Jersey Shore themed. All right. I walk in and I'm. You're like trying to put your hair in a snooki poop in the car. And the whole. What sucks is like I was already like. Like I had had way too many drinks by this point already. Okay. So. But she's a good friend. She would never miss my birthday. I'm going to her fucking birthday. Yeah. So I'm fucking in the Uber. Ari's like literally are you okay? I was like. Like the whole way. Seeing the hat man. And I walk into her fucking birthday party. She's nowhere to be found. Yeah.

Okay, I'm going where the fuck is Brooke Martinez? Everyone's going. I don't know but they're all in Jersey Shore outfits. So I know this is her birthday party. You see some leopard print you like take a breath. Yeah, I'm like where the fuck is she and they're like like no one would even answer me. So I was like I have to step outside immediately just throw up and then I went home but Brooke I tried to come. I tried to go there's something beautiful about

it within girlhood about shared peril and i'm happy that we can share this right now it really is special it's the only thing saving my life right now i'm not getting like our bad nights our bad lip flips i literally look at it um speaking of um mouth peril oh no oh no brooke scofield what happened my tooth is super glued in right now i just took a fat ass chunk of super glue out of my mouth

In order to talk to you on this podcast. How did we get here? Should I have gone to the dentist today? Absolutely. Did I do Molly with my idol and not go? Absolutely. Have I been eating super glue for five days now? Absolutely. That's got to be worse than the Molly, honestly. And I've always said that. Books go for you. And Dr. Gabe, click out. Okay? Click out right now. For your own well-being, click out. I've lost many of an ear.

I can blame a lot of veneer loss on my own stupidity. And I can respect and understand that. And I built a beautiful relationship with that. I don't eat hard ciabatta bread now, you know? No head-on apples for you. No, I haven't had a head-on apple since I came out the goddamn womb. I know...

Don't raw dog that apple. You know, I know what you can and can't do. Suck on the nerds. Don't bite into a nerd's rope. At all. I have developed a system in relationship with my unfortunate tooth troubles. And I also will give my dentist a little bit of grace. I'm allergic to porcelain. You only find that out one way by putting porcelain in your mouth. So do you have veneers that are like a porcelain alternative? No. Oh, okay.

So I get that mine are going to be a little looser than others. I know that my childhood created a lot of dental trouble. I don't have the best set to work with. And I get that, you know, and it's like I bit that strip club and a dollar bill in Miami and Cole Bennett lyrical lemonade super glued my tooth in for a week. Like I, sorry. I, I'm aware of that, you know?

I land in Hawaii eight days ago, and I'm so excited to be there, see my man, be underwater. That's where my peace is at. That's where I don't do Molly with my idols. That's where I just live my sweet little life and have fun, you know? And we land, Ty, Makoa, and I, and we're in the car on the way to the North Shore. It's 10 p.m. We're so excited, you know what I mean?

And I'm simply talking. Talking! Sorry. I'm talking to Ty Collins about how happy I am to be in Hawaii. And my front tooth...

falls out like a tic-tac into my hand. Oh my god, aren't you glad it was into your hand though? Have you ever lost like an earring back that you can't account for? Oh, just you wait. So I put it back in and I'm holding it and I'm freaking out and everyone's like, are you sure? Like, are you sure? Because like Ty was facing forward, he didn't like see it. Everyone's like, are you sure? And I'm like, oh no, I know. Like, yeah, I'm sure. I feel a breeze. I know this feeling. And...

The North Shore, Hawaii, like the top is the North Shore on Oahu and the bottom is the city. So there's not a CVS for an hour and a half drive. Oh, I know. Do you remember my, I had a crisis just like that. I'd drive three hours to the emergency room. Yeah. Yeah. I know there's going to be no Dentek or Superglue in my realm forever.

And you're like, oh, dark tone. I lash glue. I swear to God, I was thinking of every possible way to keep this tooth in my head. I was like, someone give me a piece of gum. I'll just replace it. Anyone got a tic tac? Like, what do I do? I just put a chin strap on. Yeah. And I just start immediately scream crying because I'm like, I have to go home. Like, I have to go back to L.A. now. What can you even do? Nothing. And I'm scream sobbing.

And I get to the hotel and all my Hawaiian friends are like waiting for me there. Like, yay, like we got you a drink. Like we're all here. Let's party, whatever. I get out of the car. I start scream sobbing to Makoa Ho. Dude, you're toothless at Turtle Bay. Toothless at Turtle fucking Bay. Thank God Makoa Ho is the president of Hawaii. And he immediately goes and finds me like super glue. But as I'm standing in the Turtle Bay valet, I'm talking to Ty about how my tooth is for sure. And Ty's still like, are you sure? Like, whatever.

My tooth, I like say a word and my tooth goes flying under a moving car. My tooth, my front tooth. And here's the gig and the fucking gag of it all as well. Like if it's a back tooth, like I would have put it around my neck on a necklace like a puka shell and moved on. It was her fucking front tooth. I look like Krishan Rock. I was Tishan Rock.

I'm not kidding. Ty dives under this moving vehicle. I super glue my tooth back in. Wait, what does Christiane Rock look like? I don't know the context of that joke and I'm afraid to be a part of it. I've seen what they did to Matt Rife. Oh, and we'll get into that.

looks like this okay okay well then all right she snaps it in and out and it's kind of a look and honestly like i was debating and i was like do i just committed to the bit but i did see the photo and i don't know if that was your journey i would like to share this photo with the canceled podcast viewers are you going to yes i love that and there's a video i'm willing to play as long as so long as there's no sound because the things coming out of my mouth are just threats

I'm going to really embarrass myself on this episode. We might as well just go balls to the walls. I think, yeah, I'm down. I'm with that. Speaking of, please enjoy this photograph. At least you look happy. Oh, I wasn't. I was sobbing and Ty Collin said, smile, you'll want this for the podcast. Thank you for looking out, Ty. And I said, okay. And then resumed sobbing.

Look at the tooth underneath. Like, why is it just that small? Well, I understand how it could fall off of that. Are you kidding? It's hanging on by a little fucking tiny little baby thread tooth. It's like 1 a.m. in L.A. I called my dentist. He doesn't answer. I call him 33 more times. I'm like, I'm talking to this man tonight. But I have a lisp with it. I'm talking to this man tonight. He gave me a lisp too, low key. Yeah.

He finally picks up the phone and he goes, hello. Like, and you could tell he like just woke up. I don't say hi. I don't say anything. I say, and I'm going to move this mic for everyone's sake. Aaron, you might want to cover your ears. All I say is, why? Why? Why? Why? Why are my fucking teeth falling out? And he tells me to superglue it back. You're like, I wish I fucking thought of that, you fucking idiot.

That's not medical advice. It's definitely not. It's also a Sunday. I'm having heart palpitations. I'm so sorry. It's also a Sunday in Hawaii. Every dentist office in the world is closed. And they're all two hours away because I'm on the North Shore.

Again, thank God Makoa Ho is the president of Hawaii. He gets a dentist on the phone at 1 a.m. and tells them they have to come in the office tomorrow to fix my tooth. And they're like, fine. Honestly, so lucky. I'm so lucky to know him. I love you, Makoa, even though it pains me to say it because that's not our friendship. Then I superglued my tooth so hard that it won't come out.

And I can't like if I go to the dentist, I'm running the risk of them like sawing it off and not knowing me and my teeth and shit and not being able to put it back on. Yeah. So my dentist tells me to cancel the dentist appointment.

He also tells me to say I use Dentek and not super glue, but that's another journey. You're going to get sued. Dr. Gabe, I love you, but why? You know, like why? And then he proceeds to tell me that he cemented on my two front teeth a little less hard because I'm allergic to porcelain. Why did I find that out in that moment? Yeah, perhaps you might have been a little bit more careful. Although if you were just talking, how could you have even been more careful? I was talking.

Say less, bitch. When I bit that dollar bill in the strip club, like... That was your fault. Yeah. Or the time Lila just dropped her phone on her face and she's like, this is your fault. To the dentist, I'm like, baby, no, it's not. Yeah, no. Like, I raw dog those nerds ropes and ciabatta bread. Like, every other time, like, I have grease for. I was talking. Not this time. And my tooth is still super gluten right now and I feel it. It's like loose. I actually shouldn't be saying the letter S. Like, I would be intelligent...

If I were to not utter the letter after R. Okay. But anyways, let's unpack some other shit. Perfect. Well, I'm glad you're okay. I'm glad you're... It could have been worse. You could have literally never seen that tooth again. And I really just appreciate my man a lot. Like, I was just scream-sobbing for hours, and he was just, like, talking me off a ledge and, like, helped me glue it in a million times and, like, got me Dentek. He's like, wow.

And it's like we met when I broke my toe. I was gushing blood, also crying. And I was like, yeah, but that's your guys's whole dynamic. That's kind of cute. You're like a damsel in distress. He's there to save you. That's true. I just like I kept saying, babe, I promise you I'm not always losing a tooth or a toe. And like, I really hope you stay with me to see that. You know, that's good news. Wait, so let's talk about that for a second. You I think we kind of made it seem this way already on the podcast. Like he was your boyfriend, but you now have a real like he is your boyfriend, boyfriend.

And I value him so much that I like want to protect him from all of the. Oh, okay. Don't go stalk him. The peril that the internet life brings. And yes, I'm like posting, but it's like, cause I want to post a cute moments that like have made me the happiest I've ever been. But I like would hate for him to see any of the negative sides of that, you know? And I'm,

to choose what I say wisely and protect his privacy because he is truly the best person I've ever met and I'm trying to just yeah and take our word for it for real he's the best person I've ever met I feel like I love obviously everybody who listens but sometimes there's some opinions that are formed that I'm like wait how do you know that yeah or why do you think that I

I mean, I know you really like him, but I'm excited for you to really get to know him because a lot of my time with him. I do really like him. I just, yeah, I don't think I've gotten really to spend enough time with him to really like understand his personality. Yeah, and he is like a more shy private person. Like I feel like he takes a second to like open up to people, but I appreciate that. I like that. He's not walking in a room for like attention. Like he's just himself. And when you get to know him, like Ty and I have spent so much time with him and Ty literally every day is like, if you fuck this up, you're dead to me. He's the best person I've ever met. I wish he was my boyfriend, like type shit, you know?

And yeah. How cute. I adore him. I'm so happy for you. I ship you guys. Everyone always asks. I was on live the other day and they're like, who do you ship Tana with? I said, I ship Tana with whoever Tana ships Tana with. God bless you. The Jeff shit is absolutely killing me. I stopped doing it. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't mean you. Oh yeah, there's that one account. It cracks me to be honest. Oh yes. Every single time I post someone that I'm like really happy with,

Every single comment is shipping me with someone who I'm not with, who doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to be with him. Like, you know what I mean? It's like... You're getting that Hailey Bieber special. Dead fucking ass. I've never thought about it like that. But at least...

All those people dated. Like, this is just my friend. I texted Jeff this screenshot the other day. I posted a photo with my man. And top comments. What about Jeff? That's not Jeff crying emoji. Wait, what about Jeff? Jeff is going to be so pissed. Take this down now. No, Jeff. Please, Jeff. You should block the name Jeff. I like engagement and money more. You're so right. You're brilliant. I mean...

I literally just texted Jeff a screenshot. He said, I hate you. And then we're like, you know, ruining it. He and Jeff likes Makoa and everything's like really great. And I just, yeah, obviously I don't know what the future holds for all you shippers. No, I know what the future, I'm not going to fucking be with him. Stop for the love of fucking God, you know, but man, just kidding. Last time we shot this podcast on this couch,

I told you my whole Bryce Hall debacle and how I saw him and like whatever. And I told you I was debating on going to play in a poker tournament with him like that evening. Yeah. I ended up going. Okay. And...

I just thought it was a way bigger poker tournament than it was. Like, I show up and it's two tables and it's probably like 20 people. Like, 15 at one and five on the other. And they were playing different games so it wasn't like I could sit at the table Bryce wasn't at. I, like, wanted to play the game Bryce was playing, you know? And...

I sit down and immediately Stiney's there from the Nelk Boys and he starts moving all the chairs around and like moves Bryce and I as far from possible from each other. He's like, I have to keep you guys so far from each other, like whatever. So now Bryce and I are sitting at a table of 15 people across from each other, like five feet max across staring each other in the eyes playing this game of poker. And I'm a little tipsy and we just start talking shit. Like it's like, he'd like, like,

like i'd like raise a hand and you'd be like well i was gonna fold but now that tana's in i have to fucking play this one you know what i mean like uh-huh or like if he kind of like fun like what do you have tana pocket aces or nothing are you bluffing like he's just talking so i'm talking shit back to him i'm like what the fuck are you doing like major poker tension weird call bryce like i'm just being like a bitch and everyone at the table is like low-key uncomfortable like uncomfortably laughing uncomfortable about it like it's uncomfortable and like josie's there and she's just like

what the fuck is going on you know what I mean and we keep talking shit the entire game but like slowly the talking shit was funny and it reminded me of our mutual ship and

And eventually I lose because I think I was just like so fucking like, like it's so hard to strategically play a game across from someone that you like feel so much of some type of way about, you know what I mean? So I'm just doing dumb shit that I wouldn't do. I'm calling hands. I shouldn't call. Like I'm just being an idiot. I lose $2,000. I lost $2,000 because of rice. Oops. But eventually after we're both out, I look at him and I'm like, listen, like I'm not just going to do this and leave. Like that's weird as fuck. Do you want to talk?

and we go sit on a balcony and we talk for a while and I don't think and I again I hate even uttering the word friendship after everything that's happened but I don't think we will ever have the friendship we used to have but he did look at me and he said like I don't remember his exact words but it was essentially it was like you just pissed me off and I let my ego do things and like

We were friends and I'm really sorry. And I didn't even think he possessed the capability to say I'm sorry without the word but after it, you know? Yeah. Like I didn't think he possessed the ability. And he didn't say but? No but. Like he apologized. I'm like that. I appreciate that. I cried. I was like, I really appreciate this. You really fucking hurt my feelings. I've never had anyone make me feel the way you made me feel in that situation. And then I left $2,000 poor. But. Well, I think to really make it right, he should pay you back those $2,000. What do you think?

Sound off in the comments. I think he never will. And again, yeah, like, you know, I might post a funny TikTok one day if I ever run into him and just stir the pot or whatever, but we will never. I don't know. Be careful doing that. Be careful forcing him to make TikToks out in public.

Could be dangerous. So true. Could give him some ammo. So true. But I respect the apology and it feels good to put a lot of feelings at rest. I like that too. I appreciate that he just owned up to it and was like, listen, I was wrong. Yeah. And I'm sure I did some shit to piss him off. Whatever. I'm not sitting here playing victim. Like, woe is me. Thank God he apologized. I'm just happy to put the feelings I had towards all of that finally to rest. Even if I am $2,000 poorer. Well, yeah.

So that happened. Y'all make it back. Post Malone keeps performing with a guitar with your name on it. Oh, that's hilarious. I did see that. I haven't seen it in so many years. So I saw him play with it the other day and I was like, oh, cute. It does. I wrote on his guitar. I wrote, go Cowboys heart. Like, or like love Brooke S. And it's just on the front of his guitar. I love it. And he still plays with it all the time. The people know that's how you lost your job, right? Um, I think so. I think I talked about it on Trisha. Yeah. So essentially I just,

You were working at Catch I pretended I was sick I lied I went to Post Malone's birthday party And that was like Why I got fired And I got caught But

And yeah, because your name is on the front of his guitar. And I got fired for lying. Yeah. But like, but it was funny because I, I, he asked us all to write on it. So I like wrote that or whatever. And he was like, he's a Cowboys fan. Yeah. So I wrote like go Cowboys or whatever. But I never thought he was like, like two weeks later, he like really like posted it. And like, it's just a photo and you can see it so clear. And I'm like, oh, should we put the photo on the podcast? I feel like it's so iconic. Yeah, we can. I'll have her just like, I'll send it to you. But it's just a cute like.

It's really cute and I just every time I see it I laugh to myself because it's like it's funny like it weirdly symbolizes like the start of a new like life and chapter for you. It was like honestly I owe everything I owe every dollar I have to literally Post Malone not kidding because otherwise I would still be at somebody's restaurant working somewhere. Honestly I really owe it all to being a liar but that's a bigger story. That's this podcast. Welcome. I've been doing this thing where I get high as fuck forever. I've actually been doing that since I came out of the womb. I came out of the womb with a backwood in my hand.

But I used to never write my high thoughts as podcast topics because I was like, just stop. Like, no one needs them. But I've been doing it lately. What do we got? I want to talk about lazy eyes. Oh, we've been... Wait, is this, like, offensive, though? Like, I don't want to make anyone, like, shave anybody with a lazy eye, but we're actually... No, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm not shaming anyone. I have genuine questions. Like, I'm just... I need answers. And maybe Erin can help with this. Why'd you say that? Yeah.

No, I just he's just smarter than us combined. I just have a little bit of confusion, I guess, about the mechanics of it. This feels messy. This feels like something we should talk about. I'm being so dead ass like there's not a part of me with any amount of like shaming anything like, OK, I just want to know when someone has. It's just I'm stupid and that's why it's funny. But like, fuck.

When someone has a lazy eye, like if I was looking at you right now and I had a lazy eye, would I be watching life on a 0.5 lens? No, I think we were talking about this. I feel like it might be more similar to like a panorama.

This eye's over here, but this eye's still over here. You know what I mean? So I might see Aaron in my right eye, and if I look quickly to the left, I might still see him for a second before I, you know. It does change vision? No, I think it does, but it doesn't like, just because it's looking at direction, I think they're still looking at you, but it's just a little weaker. Like you might be more blurred or something like that. Oh, okay. Do you remember when Justin Bieber said Anne Frank would be a Belieber? Yeah.

Yes. And I forget what recently reminded me of that, but it like, I was recently reminded of that because of something that somebody else said that was similar and like they didn't get in trouble. Sabrina Carpenter said, yes, she said, she said Jesus was a carpenter. Yeah. And I get that Jesus and Anne Frank are like different characters. Are you actually taking those? Oh my gosh, you guys, I talked about, ah, this makes me shy. Yeah.

I talked about how I was like obsessed with that like sweet lady who does the Broadway training or whatever on...

And she sent an email to my manager and she was like, oh my God, I would love to like do a lesson with Brooke. And like Greg, of course he's like, oh yeah, I'm going to set it up. But I was like, like, don't. It makes me so nervous. I think I have to go with you. And I think that we really have to. It really makes me so scared. I don't know. The problem is like, and I've really struggled with this my whole life. And it's, it's the reason that I never got talented in anything is I, I,

Like embarrassment I never take stuff like that seriously Because I get like embarrassed And then I like make a joke out of it Yeah And like Like I was a dancer growing up and stuff But like I was so Well that's why you're a very talented comedian But Well You know what That's the thing I was just working on my jokes the whole time But I Like would never really get better at things Because I wasn't really actually practicing Because I like was I My ego was like

I was just too prideful. Like, I didn't want to be embarrassed. I think it would be the most fun series ever to, like, do that and film it. To do things. And I would love to just do things and, like, really try them and, like, really take them seriously and not be stupid about it. I would love to do that with you. Do you know what I texted Trisha Paytas and she said yes to? What? I've been texting Trisha a lot lately. I just love her so much. I'm so happy for her, obviously. And, like, she's...

very much so happy for me and like my new relationship and the idea of finding my moses and stuff so we go back and forth texting did you see that podcast clip by the way of her being like tana and brooke could be so wrong and i'm gonna defend them yes every time she talks about me fucking in any regard ever i literally like it makes me like oh i think my tooth might fall out i almost feel like i like forced her to say it oh my tooth might fall out i feel the same way but my tooth might fall out okay no more chicken nuggets clickbait um oh god that'd be great

I know, but like, but it would be good. Good title. I had the idea the other day that, and I know Paris and Nicole have been like working on something. I think they, I could, from what they've been teasing and posting, I could see them doing a Simple Life reboot, honestly. Yeah.

But I feel like there is no new generation simple life. And I texted Trisha and I was like, you, me and Brooke should do some simple life shit. Then let's film it. Let's fund it. Let's do it. Whatever. Shot in the dark. I've got a ranch. Exactly. And I want to be like mechanics. I want to see Trisha Paytas like rolling out from underneath the car. Like. Absolutely. Are you kidding? Have you not seen her in the just lose it video? Yes, exactly. I want that Trisha back.

I'm happy with any church. I texted her with like just shot in the dark and I was like, would you ever want to do this, fund it, film it and give the people something they would never forget. Oh my God. And she said fully yes. Fully yes. And then we have an episode babysitting her kids. Abso-fucking-lutely. Are you kidding? Like you remember when like they made Kendall Jenner do it and she was like, what the fuck is happening? I feel like that would be us. Although I've been with this one baby recently like so much and it's like...

No, it's Ivy's baby. And she just. No, but just the sentence. I've been with this one baby so much. It's such a funny set of words. I'm like, I need one of these. I got my period the other day. And for the first time in my entire life, I was like a little sad. Bitch, BFFR. I want his baby so bad. Let's take it one step at a time. I know, I know, I know. Let's get your tooth back on, bitch. No, you needed the period. Like, thank God. But I'm saying I don't think I've ever like adored someone so much that I would like.

want that and be sad you know yeah i get that so that's really awesome but also get the tooth back on is this dress why is this in my podcast i'm seeing blue and black right now i'm seeing white and gold right now we don't need to do that at all looks like we're tired like this was this was a high podcast okay well we were just talking about trisha and i i've been watching all her recent episodes trisha has been going in on matt rife i think harder than

Maybe anybody. Oh, you're ready. And it's hilarious. Not hilarious, but. Oh, you're ready. I was thinking about it because I'm like, I know she's probably going to watch last week's episode and be like, you. Oh, you're ready. Okay, relax. I can't. I can't. It's not that crazy.

I just like... I'm thinking to myself, I'm like, God, I wonder if she sees that and she's like disappointed in me because I'm like... She's probably like, why the fuck are you... As I have been forever. Okay. No, I'm not disappointed in you. I just hate holding shit in. Obviously, you know, like I'm always like, leave this in, put it in, like whatever. And if you go back and watch the Matt Rife episode, you can just...

Feel my disdain. There's a difference. Definitely a difference between your energy toward him and my energy toward him. Cause I like, I thought the world of him. I'm getting a little bit of backlash. Okay. We both kind of are honestly for being like a little bit of like Matt Rife apologists on the last episode. And I never want to be that. I can't stress this enough, but at the end of the day, you're my best friend. And if you want to protect something, I'm not gonna, I'm like me saying how I truly feel about him in this situation. Um,

Would go against What you wanted Yeah and I appreciate that So honestly Thanks for Thanks for backing me up on that But I like Cause I have never Been an apologist of him I just am gonna ride for my girl Yeah but I have Truthfully I have Because And even like That episode I came in here And I was like I was ready to I knew I was gonna get hate for it Cause obviously like Everybody's on one team Yeah Okay

And it's like, we hate Matt Rife. And I truly was like, I have to say something. Because I would hope that, like, anybody who knew me, like, I would hope if something like that crazy were happening to me publicly, I would hope they would speak out and be like, wait, no, that is not how she is. Obviously, before I knew Matt, I, like, knew his persona. It's like a fuckboy. That's his whole thing. That's his stage thing. And so that's what I expected of him. So, like, obviously, like...

when I got to know him and stuff I was like okay wait that's not him at all yeah and like and at the time he was just blowing up and hot and funny like there wasn't as many bad things like I completely see why you would do it I would do it yeah and so well for context Mr. DC is Matt Rife Mr. DC yeah I had my ideas of him and then when I got to know him I like really decided like that is not who he is at all he's like a way like way better person than I would have thought you know what I mean Matt I wouldn't say he was like my ex or anything because it wasn't like this serious relationship but like

It was more Like I wasn't just Hooking up with him You know what I mean It was like It was very You liked him Yeah I really liked him And his like Even more Like more so from his end He was the one Who was initiating The conversations That were like You know like I haven't felt this way About anybody In so long And like so Just like

I mean to anyone with like common sense it's it's love bombing but I had at that point lost all my marbles seriously so and we love a love bomb so I was like this guy's the fucking nicest guy ever and like I had just come off this like terrible relationship with like the world's most psychotic person you guys know that yeah and so I was like what the fuck like this guy's so hot he's so nice he's so attentive like

I was obsessed with this guy. Okay. And we were all on board for it. Yeah. Well, even like, here's the thing we, um, ended like he was here in LA when like, I started getting like a little frustrated. Cause like, I remember you had come with me to his show at the laugh factory. And like, I had just, you know, flown across the country to go spend time with him and see all his shows and whatever. And then he comes to LA and like,

Just literally was like Not blowing me off But just didn't really like Yeah And keep in mind You guys are next door neighbors Yeah he lived So it was like Very Like it's like your home And I could throw a rock Through your window You know Yeah So imagine my frustration I'm like how embarrassing That I just went Like ended all of this And then you come back And you can't even Hardly spend time with me It happened a couple times He had come to LA A couple times Where it was like I would only He would go to dinner Like once or something And I'm like wait what Like

Just strange. So we went to the show at the Laugh Factory that night. You saw him. He came, said hi, whatever. And he's like, okay, babe, like, I'll see you after the show. I'm so happy you're doing this. I can't express to you the serotonin. Listen, I'm... You know what? Whatever. I'm so proud of you. He tells me, like, okay, like, I'll see you after the show. I'll be over as soon as I'm done. Whatever. I stay up all night. The man never comes. Okay? So...

I'm like, I'm just frustrated with the situation. I feel dumb kind of because I'm like, you're saying all of this. You're telling me the whole time, like we're separated. It's like, I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to be with you. Like you're all I think about whatever. And then you're fucking literally outside my window and you can't go down to the mailbox. Like,

It was just like frustrating. So I told him that and I was proud of myself because I like stood up for myself and I was like, listen, like that's not going to work for me. Okay. Like, sorry. And that was when like the conversation happened where he was just like, I'm just like, I'm so sorry, but I don't, I do not have time. Like I don't have a relationship. No, I don't have time for the relationship. Like I just don't. And he's like, I, he told me, he says, I haven't felt this way about anybody in so long. Like I've, and I've been dreading telling you cause he's like, I just wanted to keep

like doing it as long as I could but like I just I can't put energy into this like whatever and I was like like so respectful honestly like appreciate you telling me wish you the best and I was like hopefully down the line like you can work it out and you can figure it out and you know all of a sudden you will have time for a girlfriend I'm at I will admit I was um

Assuming it would be like honestly me you can't say all that and get a girlfriend and gain my respect Yeah, well, okay doesn't matter but the point is the conversation was so respectful and I really do like Gauge like how much how I feel about a man based on like how he handled handles like something like that and he was so sweet to me and nice to me and he like He hit all the points and he like made me feel like good about it. So I was like

I just respect him a lot. Go on, kill it. And I've had that same like feeling about him all of this time. Cause I'm just like, you know what? I like, I'm a silent supporter. I've watched him from afar. I like love to see like him be successful. And like, I was with him when his last special came out. So to see him get a Netflix special, it was like huge. Okay. So imagine my, like how I felt when I'm seeing like, Oh my God, like this guy got like the one thing in the world that he wanted and everything.

Everybody fucking hates it. Like, yeah. Hates it. Okay. Yeah. And I'm like, oh my God. I just felt so bad for him because I'm like, yeah. But that's where your empathy comes in way too hard because it's like the stiff socks of it all. No. Yeah. So I'm going to, I'm going to get there. But I get it. You still want it to protect. Yeah. So in my, in my head, I'm just like, this sucks. Cause like I really did. Like I got to see,

how much he really does care about the job and stuff. And like, whether he's funny or not is up in the air, but like he tries really hard and he works really hard. And I actually did just feel so bad to see like his one thing that he got, like just completely go that like as badly as it could go. You know what I mean? Yeah. So that's why, so I didn't feel bad coming in here and defending him. And honestly, like you guys don't even know how bad it was. Cause I cut some of it. I was like, this is,

I'm going to get cooked. But I was on here like, I'm like, I love Matt. He respects women. Which is crazy. I was. Because I really like, I'm like, I feel that. I have always felt that way about him. I really felt like he respected me. Like I did. And women in general. Tell me why. But silent disrespect is just as loud as vocal disrespect. I know, but that's not the point. I am on TikTok the other day. And I get tagged in a video.

Of this girl and it's her and matt's all these photos of her and matt like a little slideshow if you will Okay, i'm like, hmm. That's interesting I go to the comments and she had commented back to somebody and she was like relax you guys This was at the beginning of this year. I go Hmm, huh? I'm like what when like when was it exactly? Because I was seeing him at the beginning of this year and like i'm like, when was it?

So I DM her. I DM her and I'm like, hey, like just wondering, honestly, like what was the timeline exactly? Just because like I'm curious because I mean, his current girlfriend was not long after me either. So I'm like, it had to have been around the same time. Immediately, she puts me into a group chat. You never want to be in a group chat with beautiful, strange women. Okay. Okay.

When I tell you, Tana, you want to talk about women in STEM. We were fucking, there were timelines. There were Venn diagrams. There was, we were comparing notes. It was so crazy. I see why you waited to tell me this. Yeah, absolutely. I'm telling you, Tana, for a man who doesn't have time, this man had the most time. You know, I get, when I'm really mad, I just start laughing. I just start laughing. You're...

kidding brooke scoffield tana i'm like and i'm i'm like oh my fucking god like oh my god because i'm not kidding all of this time i would see his billboard on sunset i'd be like literally like his biggest supporter and i've i've been waving a fucking matt rife apologist flag for like all this time like thinking like oh he was so good to me like what the fuck

He never was. He got a girlfriend right after. He lied a lot. Anyway, like, let me. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm mad now. And if that gets cut, I swear to God, I'll kill myself. So I am talking to these girls, whatever. I am. And I'm thinking about my immediate reaction just because I'm me and I'm fucking stupid. I start gaslighting myself. I'm literally like, OK, well, you know what? Like, maybe it wasn't as serious as I thought it was. Like, maybe I just maybe I thought it was like this huge, serious thing. And he didn't.

OK, took took only a couple scrolls, Tana, for me to get back to where he's telling me like fucking like just I don't want you seeing. I don't want you to even look at another guy. I don't want anybody else touching you. I don't want you. He didn't want me hanging out with like my guy friends. Like it was so specific in that like he was like, you're the only girl I want. We're talking about when we're going to move to D's.

And run away Like I was not I don't think I was delusional Like I really don't You weren't I was not But this is the cherry on top This is the straw That broke the camel's back Yeah so I'm like I really wasn't like Cause you've been so great You've had so much grace That you didn't ever need to have As is Just fucking last week I'm like apologizing for him Knowing that I'm gonna get hate for it And like

I'm just like, how crazy is that? Like the meanwhile, he's fucking like, first of all, if you're telling me that I cannot hang out with guy friends, you don't want me talking, hooking up with anybody else, then nobody in fucking Central America should be receiving a dick pic from you. I just, and that's just my thoughts. Okay. A face turned one at that. And I'm like, I didn't say it. I start looking at the whole situation different. Cause I'm like, okay, so he's not this really nice guy that I thought. And like, I have bad judgment, but like sometimes I like really miss him.

like i don't understand how bad it actually is and i'm thinking like there were things like there were things that happened during that time that i just like wrote off as like not a big deal that i'm like wait what the fuck was wrong with me talk about it before i fucking shit myself on canceled matt rife went on the stiff socks podcast with our baby trevor wallace and i just want to say this is when i knew

this is what i knew but i i want my girl to have the floor i was still actively seeing him at the time in fact we'd gone to dinner the night before he was telling me all about how he was going on a podcast i said oh i have a podcast he's like oh my god really he left he left your house to go to camp to go to stiff socks no i was with him the night before it doesn't matter but the point is i'm like like i'm excited to watch it i'm like oh gotta watch my man on a podcast

I don't know if you guys recall. That was like the most... He's since had it wiped from the internet. I wish I could wipe it from my memory. I'm livid. Like, I'm actually like drunk. Like, I have to drink this because I'm livid. He went on the Stiff Socks podcast. First of all, first offense was Trevor asking what his type was. His answer was blondes with fake tits. Okay. For the audio listeners, I am a brunette. Okay.

With fucking real tits. They're huge, but they're real. I'm just kidding. I'm like huge, by the way, but they're real. So that was like a little bit like offensive. Again, when I knew. But I justified it a little because I'm like, you know what? If someone asked me my type, I'd just say ugly guys. So like that's not the worst thing in the world to say. But...

He goes on to say that he is disgusted by outie vaginas, like girls who have outie vaginas because it looks like God left the tag on them. Now, I'm going to give you guys the canceled exclusive here, but I, Brooke Schofield, have an outie vagina. Okay? I've seen it. It's great. I have a fucking... And so does fucking two-thirds of America, you fucking weirdos.

Imagine me sitting there, my fucking jaw on the floor, my fucking pussy doing the fucking line dance on the couch. Just like, what the fuck did you do? Like,

I hope you just, I hope every single listener knows that when that podcast aired, I tried to swing. You guys thought that was disgusting. The public was like, Oh my God, how horrible. Imagine how I felt. He literally just went on a podcast and was like, yeah, I'm fucking repulsed by this bitch. Like when you had sex with him, did you ever come? Okay. Don't talk about that. I know you didn't. What I'm thinking though. Now I'm like, God, that description had to match somebody. And I'm like,

Thinking back to I'm like okay how crazy That he could spend no time with me in LA But it's like oh he only gets so many LA days a year I'm like he must have had to hit all his stops I'm holding my breath He went to someone's after that show for sure What the fuck was I thinking This all makes me so remapped Like I was livid when it all first happened And you know But I understood that you wanted to protect it But it's like it'll never not make me furious Like and

I'm just so happy that we are finally doing this because I wanted to do it on the episode with him. Well, I was a little... Oh, let's talk about that for a second.

All of you guys who bullied me for my behavior on the Matt Rife episode, I had not seen him since he told me he would be at my house in an hour, babe. Okay? That was my first time ever coming face to face with him after, like, he literally was just like, okay, good night, babe. See you in a sec. Like, of course I was, like, I didn't even know. Osama bin Laden. I didn't know he was going to come in and act like he didn't fucking know me from Adam. I thought it was going to be like, oh, like, yeah, we know each other. Like,

It was just such a strange energy I was so livid after that episode I remember He left and I was shaking I was like nervous I just felt weird Because I was like Why are you pretending you don't know It was just the weirdest like feeling And I was like wait what Like I don't know Like I was hesitant too Even on the way here I was like do I want to talk about this Because like Yes Well he has a girlfriend now And I don't want to like That's like She's probably going through enough As far as public embarrassment is concerned Okay like

I don't know. I just, I don't want to be that bitch who's like coming on and like exposing somebody on a podcast. But what the fuck? Like you're a fucking loser and you embarrass me. Honest to God. That's what it is. I hate fucking being embarrassed by guys. I hate that. Like my reputation is coming online to fucking like apologize for all these fucking losers who treat me so badly. Like, yeah, you give people so much grace and I love you so much. You give me so much grace. You're my best friend, but it's like,

I've wanted you to do this for fucking six months. Like, fuck him. And like, well, yeah. So I'm like, so sorry I'm late to the party. And I also don't want it to seem like I'm like, okay, well, you know, like now that I know he doesn't like me now I'm on the train, but it's like I, in my head, you did everything you could to try to protect someone that you got to know. And I can understand that and respect that completely because internet hate is horrible. I just thought like, I was like, he is genuinely the nicest guy. I was like, I've never had a bad experience with him to this day. I've never had like,

he's never been me like i just i think that you have a discrepancy with disrespect behind your back versus disrespect to your face like if someone's a hard time villainizing people in general i think it's like a bpd thing i really i literally cannot like yeah i can't like see the bad in people literally like as easily as i want to yeah and i love that about you it's like sometimes your biggest weakness is also your biggest like power and strength like you are the most loving forgiving person and

I will I always try to like be with you on that train like when you wanted to give Clinton grace I was like okay I'll pretend that I don't hope he dies and I'll podcast with you about it and I'll whatever public because the public is a scary thing the public narrative is a scary thing so I have your back tenfold but like I hate to see you give grace to Matt well yeah so that's the thing like that the Clinton thing like didn't help either because it's like I have this like

history now fucking i have we have millions of girls who watch the podcast and i'm like literally just this little pathetic fucking bitch who's like defending these horrible god not that like you were so beyond that's like so horrible but it's like why am i making excuses for like fucking losers don't say that about don't say that about yourself i just started crying no it's not no because you're not pathetic you have the best heart no i don't like

I don't think that. I'm just like, don't fucking embarrass me because guess what? I'm like, I have to set an example at some point. I don't want every single guy to think that he can come through and do exactly the same thing and I'm not going to fucking rip him to shreds on the podcast because I feel bad for them. Stop. Stop. Don't say that about my best friend. I won't. I don't think I'm pathetic. I definitely don't think I'm pathetic. You're not. You're not. But the point is like... You give people so much grace and forgiveness and you look past so much shit and you try to see the fucking good and sometimes...

it can be your downfall. But like at the end of the day, like you're not wrong. And at the end of the day, it's your story and your narrative. And when you want to fucking say it, you want to say it. And today's the day you're saying it. And I'm proud of you. You know what? It's I like, I've seen it before. I think it's like, it can, it's tacky to like go on a podcast and just like trash talk somebody that you like hooked up with or whatever. But like,

I... Ugh, like, that just fucking pissed me off so bad because I'm like... What did I do? Like, I didn't fucking deserve that. Just tell me you don't fucking like me and move on. Like, ew. Ew. Like... So much ew. And then... Stab me in the front. Tana. Is there more? I go... Brooke, Brooke. Actually, hold on. Hold on, hold on. In through the nose, out through the mouth one time because I don't know how much more I can handle before I start being cruel. No, this part's just honestly hilarious. I go...

To send him a little message. Okay? Because I'm like, you know what? Before... I want to get my facts straight. Okay? As if my fucking facts aren't straight enough with my fucking Venn diagram group chat. Okay? But I get that. You almost want the closure of that too. And I wasn't even rude. I just sent him a text and I was like, how embarrassing is it that I'm literally currently getting dragged for defending you while also in a group chat with like seven other girlfriends you had? Like, what the fuck? And...

He blocked my fucking number. I was just going to say, tell me the message is green and I'm blowing this house up. He blocked my fucking number. As in, my number was blocked last week when I was fucking waving a like Matt Reif is like fucking so nice and respectful flag. I...

was defending him after he had already blocked my number. Like how fucking embarrassing. And what the fuck are you blocking my number for you? Fucking loser. I'm hoping to God that it's just like a, like, I respect my girlfriend. I'm going to block everybody who I've ever talked to. But if that's the case, finish the job, Matt, unfollow the fucking 2000 porn stars you follow still to this day. Okay. Cause I'm sure she doesn't like that either. Oh, I didn't.

Fucking weirdo. Sorry. Do you see? I just keep getting goosebumps. I actually can't believe. I'm so proud of you. That's all I know to say. I'm so proud of you. This is exactly what you should be doing, and I've wanted you to do for a long time. I'm beyond proud of you. I've said it a thousand times on this podcast, but we cut it every time, and this time it's staying in, baby. Fuck that. Fuck that.

And thank God I have a tooth so that when it's clipped, I don't look like Krishan Rock. I don't know. It's shitty, too, because I know that this will come out in however many days and I'll have all that time to have so much anxiety about it and feel guilty or whatever. You shouldn't. Take a gabapentin and let's go to the Grove. Yeah. Take a gabapentin and let's go get an aloe yoga set. And I swear to God, Greg Goodfrey, if you don't get her an aloe yoga sponsorship, you're dead. If aloe doesn't fucking sponsor me, I'm going to kill myself.

I swear to fucking god. They're never gonna sponsor me. They think I'm problematic. I'm like, look, my outfit is full aloe. Like, you and I are gonna have a smoothie and a joint, bitch. Just, like, blocking me is so fucking crazy. Like, what was I gonna do? Can I text him? I'm not gonna fucking threaten your girl. I...

I want to fuck your girlfriend. And you're gonna. That's what I did with Lottie Moss. That's what I did with Lottie Moss. I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend. I have a three-step plan. He, okay. Do it, do it, say it. No. Do it, baby. Stick it, baby. Move it, baby. Lick it, baby. Say it. No. It's okay. It'll be another episode. Anyway, Tana and I are going on our own theater tour, which did not take us fucking 15 years of jokes to accomplish.

And I actually couldn't write a better tour announcement. I just love, I love that about me. Cause you know what? He made me go stupid. Fuck. So fucking stupid for my social media job. As if it was like the most unserious job in the world. One time, one time. Sorry. No, don't. I'm sitting at a fucking table of all his friends. One of his friends says like, what do you do for a living? And I go like, I have a podcast. I swear to God. Matt says, wait, really? Like, wait, what? Like as if he,

He just didn't fucking know. I'm like, how the fuck did I just sit through seven of your fucking shows for you to not even know what I do for a living? Anyway, the podcast is doing really well. We just sold out a tour and now we're about to go on another one. We weren't even doing live shows, but I was like, watch this. And you know what's funny is every single time Brooke and I walked off of a crowd of over a thousand people, we would say, we would say fuck Matt Rife to each other. I wasn't saying that. She wasn't saying that.

But I hope we all learned a lesson here. Let's stop giving fucking people all the attention, all the flowers, just because they are good looking. Okay. There's much funnier people. In fact, his opener, Alex way funnier. And that's the only reason I could sit through the show so many times.

I hope you cut not one second of this. I don't know. I'm probably... I'm feeling good. I'm going to drug you. I swear to God, I'm going to give you a gab of pen and upload this. Trisha and Oscar just said on an episode, and they were like, listen, like, I... Well, they were talking about me, and they were like, she's so unproblematic. Like, I don't think that she, like, really wants to, like, speak out against people or whatever. And it, like, kind of, like, made me sad because that sucks. Like, people have fucked on me so hard, and I really don't ever...

What I say versus like what actually happens is like so crazy. You know what I mean? Like I, there's so much I leave out just to protect people and like to make people look better. And like, that's one of our, and I feel like the beauty in our friendship is we are different in a lot of ways. And we both help each other grow in the ways that you know what I mean? Like you're going to help me grow in all the ways that I need to grow and the things that are different that you possess, you're going to help me, you know? And that if I could,

Just do one thing. It's that. Like, because I guess I've always been that way. I don't know. I'm like, fuck the people who fuck on me. Yeah. And I... I don't know what it is. I really, like, maybe something I need to talk to a therapist about or something. But, like, I just... I literally think the world of all these, like, fucking shitty people. Yeah. And...

I've always been like... And we always say, you know, if you don't want me to write bad songs about you, don't do bad shit. But then I never really come on here and fucking read a guy at all. Like, said anything, like, actually bad about people who do fucking horrible things to me. And not even that... Like...

Talk to however many people you want Like you know what I mean Just be honest Be honest Just don't Don't fucking make me think like It's just You're just weird And just again A thousand times over Stab me in the front Not the back And don't make me look stupid That's the Like I think that's the reason I'm so It's not I'm not so hurt That he was like Seeing all these other people Cause it's like whatever I didn't fucking like you that much

I'm hurt that or annoyed or frustrated that I'm so embarrassing that I'm fucking embarrassing myself I have literally a digital footprint a year long of me publicly stating that Matt Reif is like such a fucking sweetie nice sweetheart and I'm so proud of him fuck you you have have have to live by like if they wouldn't do this for me I'm not gonna do this for them

If not a word when we sold out a tour, fuck you. He would just clown you. Like, and I don't mean that in like a mean way. I mean that that shows his character. Yeah, I'm like, God literally left the tag on me. Seriously. I'm going to make God left the tag on me merch. And then I'm going to donate all the proceeds to domestic violence victims. I think you have a perfect puss. I absolutely do. First of all, no one in history has.

Made me even like I've never even thought about that in life because that's like such a fucking like everybody has that 90% of my friends have that like no I've never thought about that. I watched that episode all of a sudden I was like first of all need a boob job. Second of all. Yeah. It was so weird like ever make you feel that way. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll never forget my, I have like a mole like right here. Wait, I can show you. I probably shouldn't, but it's like right here and it's like a little tiny dog. It looks like black eyeliner and it's like on my stomach. It's not even on my puss. And I remember I was getting eaten out by my first boyfriend ever. And he goes, Oh, you're like Marilyn Monroe. And I go, no, it wasn't cute. It was so condescending and horrible. And I was like, what are you saying? You should just never fucking comment on. You know what? I've had dicks throw up gang signs at me and I don't give a fuck if it works. It works.

Genitals are just weird as is. And if you... Like a vagina is the weirdest thing ever if you really think about it. You know? My tooth is coming out. I don't know. Maybe he's insecure. Clearly because he's in there fucking refined, smooth. What's a gang sign, dick? What does that mean? Yeah, really. I've seen him do that at YMCA. I've seen him. She's saying it's like giving a graph. It's giving ear, ear.

That still made no sense I don't know Anyway I just Yeah I think at the end of the day You should never like Talk on anything Someone can't control And like you want to be With someone who just like Makes you feel Loved and sexy And hot for you My thing is like Even if that weren't the case I would never want to be With somebody who I knew Thought that way Cause it's like what the fuck Same thing as like We were talking about last week Like someone who wouldn't Fuck you on your period It's like okay Fucking loser Like Yeah Also make me cum

Yeah. Take away, he does in fact hate women. Especially me. The sirens are real. They're coming for him. Get him! Ha!

Like I said, I really couldn't write a better tour promotion and I'm so proud of you. Just both. Don't paint it like that. We did not need you to promote our tour. Real as fuck. Real as fuck. That's how it's been. Everybody's grabbing for clout. Oh my god, it's so sad that people are like that. It's so sad that people are like that. I can't even express it enough. But I'm so proud of us.

Like that video of us that we both posted it on our grid where we walked out onto the stage. That's where McDonald's get happen. Check. I'm still eating the nuggets. But we walked out onto that theater stage and we were like, how did we do this? You know, and now knowing that next spring we're going to do that every day.

It's really crazy. It's so fucking insane. Like, I'm so excited to tour the entire U.S. with you, and I just, like... We have such great ideas for the show, especially the D.C. one. If you're prepared for...

Imagine I just... Well, never mind. We'll have some special guests at the DC show. Let's just say that much. And like my favorite city. That's what's so funny too in the text. You know, that was... Like I was like, that's our city. That's where we're going to run away. I'm not kidding. It was like he was copying and pasting. I'm like, we were all running away to DC. Everyone's going to DC. It's so fucking sad that...

I can relate to you on a certain aspect because when we sat down for the Turks episode, the Mod Sun episode, I had crippling anxiety to do that, you know? Especially after my text to him and like everything and just the way it ended and whatever. I wanted to give someone that I loved so much grace, you know? But it was like, you were horrible to me. And that's my life. And this is my life. And...

You're gonna go write a horrible album about me like I'm the villain when in reality you're the villain and I think taking your narrative back is a good thing. Yeah, I just figured, listen. And it does take a hey girly DM to fucking send you to the moon. It does. Crazy. It absolutely does. I don't know. I like, in my head, like I do like,

like i said on the way here i was like oh i just like i hope he doesn't like hate me or something but then i'm thinking about i'm like he never fucking liked you he hated you already that was exactly what it was with maude for me i was like he's gonna hate me after this podcast but i was like you hated me the entire time you were able to treat me in such a way and that's terrifying i will say i'm all of this the white clothes is insane all of this teaches you

a very valuable lesson in what you want and don't want. And I had a moment with my little man on the beach this week where we were just talking about, essentially I was like, I finally in my life feel so happy because everything horrible that happened to me led me to you. And I cried. Like we were sobbing. I was sobbing. I was like, I wouldn't take back any of the pain I endured because now I have you and I know what I know.

And maybe he'll fuck me over and that'll be another fucking journey. But I don't think he will. But whatever, whatever. It's just like point blank being like this is a great lesson for you. And one day you're going to be so happy that you lived it to lead you to everything. Yeah, I agree. And listen, I know everything I'm not looking for. OK, simple enough. Exactly. And I think that's.

What does become strategic about finding love is you start to just learn everything you're not looking for. And so much of a checklist is not even like what you are. It's what you're not like. Like my checklist is like non-negotiables, like things I will not tolerate in a relationship. Yeah. And I think that other people, other people also in the relationship. That's a big one. Yes. Super huge. Not kidding. Do you know today we have this conversation downstairs in the bathroom about what like everyone's last words would be.

And everyone said my last words would definitely be like, like someone's holding you at gunpoint. Like what, what are your last words? Like Amari would be like, I feel fine. Lila would be like, man. Yeah. Oh man. Like they said mine would be super. Super. I can't. Um, do you remember that Christmas song? I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Yeah. Are you, did you see that TikTok where someone was like, that was adultery. Yes.

I always grew up, and maybe this was just my household doing that. I remember the first time my dad told me as a 13-year-old that he cheated on my mom, and I was like, I just want a meal. But I always thought the song was like mommy was cheating on daddy. Like I saw mommy cheating on daddy with Santa Claus. It kind of is. But I think the way the record was written was like dad is Santa. Well, yeah. Yeah, but like it was like the...

It's just like any Christmas thing. Like the kids are supposed to have a different understanding of it than the adults. But why as a child did I think mommy was cheating in that song? I don't know. Yeah. Who thought of that? Like when you heard it as a kid, did you think like I saw mom kissing? I think I've seen mom kiss way worse. I can't remember if I even gave this person like a character on this. He was such a blip. He was so unimportant to my love life, to be honest.

um story of our lives he was the kid who i was like seeing honestly i like i was like i'm really like i think i'm gonna date this guy who worked next door to our office remember and then he was like i'm over my eggs and he got back with his ex like clockwork i'm so sorry for everything i'm like y'all broke up you have to have broken up

He texted you on a podcast? Texted, I'm so sorry for everything. I'm like, yeah. Fucking weird. What did he do that was like horrible though? Left my house one morning, never talked to me again and then just left. No, no, no, no, no. Accused you of Mike Malak. That's what he did where he was my final shot. Oh yeah, he did. He was like, well, I'm sure you were fucking all these. Oh yeah, he like was straight up calling me a whore. I did tell the story on the podcast. Oh my God, Ty.

Yeah, no, I think he was just trying to establish how casual it actually was so that he could dip his toes in the water and finally decide to tell me that he wasn't back in and just get back with his ex. But anyway, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Isn't that crazy? That's just every man's go-to. That's what a church boy did to me. And I was so scared for the rest of my life that I would never find sex as good as him, which is why I dealt with so much shit. I'm having a good situation right now, too, and I almost just don't even want to jinx it, but like...

I just never thought I would find someone who would digmatize me as much as him. And I am equally digmatized. It's a beautiful place to be. Absolutely. What is your situation right now? You know, same old, same old. I just have been a little more private on the podcast about it. OK, I'll ask you after. Do you know who's in trouble? Speaking of the podcast? Who? Oscar. Oscar.

What do you do? I feel like Jeff Wittek. Oscar. Oscar keeps commenting on TikToks off of the canceled podcast account. Oh, no. Do you know, the other day,

I posted TikTok with my man and I look at the top comment. It's from the canceled podcast account. And it goes... It was like Team Jeff and Tana. I love when Oscar does goofy funny things. That one, I get where you'd be upset. But Oscar always does little silly funny things on TikTok. I just want to put it out there to the world. Oh, no. No, no problem. It's really going to fall out. I promise. I'll put a dollar under your pillow. And I'm like...

My little man kept calling me that when I was toothless. He kept calling me the tooth fairy. Let him do it. Let him heal your inner child. Let someone tooth fairy it out. Absolutely. I was like, I'll give you a better head anyways. You should have seen me trying to give a blowjob with my tooth super glued in, actually. I can't be worse than me with fucking sucking dick with my Invisalign. Not kidding. So you know how when you give a blowjob, you have to get to the good spit? Uh-huh. So sometimes you have to like, well...

I want that aloe sponsorship. I've never given a blowjob. And you know how you get to the good spit, you know? Yeah, you gotta put in the good work. Yup. But you can't get to the good spit when you can't hit the sucking motion, you know? Like, and I can't hit that motion. So I'm like...

He's like standing and I'm like, God, this is horrible. This is so horrible. Like in like doggy, but like, you know, going in, I'm trying to make it as good as I possibly can. He's standing up and I'm a rotisserie chicken. Right, right, right, right. That's my favorite position. Bonus points if it's rotating. Right.

and i keep having to like duck down under his dick thank god it's giant and i'm ducked down under it shoving my fingers down my throat gagging myself to like get the spit because i can't get it like the proper way oh my god i've been there sometimes you know when you're going too long too sometimes and all of a sudden you're literally just like you're lucky if like you could even lick your lips like it's just so yeah okay i leave my own mind and start planning outfits

I always do that. Like if I'm just like sucking dick for too long, I'm like thinking about like what jeans to wear with my favorite corset next week. Like I plan outfits. I can't do that because I'll just, oh, I want to give up. No, I'm not. We're not giving up. We're just choosing which belt would look better. You know? Huh. You should try it. It's good. I'm sorry if my dad sees this. Not to circle back fully to the beginning of this podcast. Like I probably should have told this story in the beginning.

But you know that last night at this party, there was someone dressed up as Ozempic Santa handing out shots in syringes with Ozempic in them. Wait, that cannot even be done? Is there like liquid Ozempic? Tab form. And if there is, where'd they get it? I'm like, where can I buy it? And...

I'm just kidding. I'm going to be real with you. I'm already getting canceled for eight things I said in this episode. I took one. Oh, slay. How are you feeling? I don't know. Yeah, but exactly. I woke up hungry. Oh, man. So I don't think so. But everyone was under the impression that there was a Zempik in these shots. And like every celebrity was just like, are you sure? I don't think that they can do that. Because if it was just liquid, why would people be shooting themselves up? There's top form. Hmm.

How I know that's out of question. Stop. You're like, I think. Everyone's on it in LA. Let's be fucking for real. We should just do it on the podcast one time and just get canceled. Are people still getting in trouble for that? I don't think they're lacking anymore. Yeah, I don't know. It used to be because there was a shortage, but I don't think there's a shortage. There can't be a shortage still. It's like, what are you doing in the lab? Everyone's on it. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I just get like so hypochondriac scared, you know, like I wouldn't, I'd be like scared. Not me. Shoot me up. Just joking. But maybe they might accept me at Aloe if I were a little bit in better shape. Whoa. I just snotted. I just shot my thought into the microphone. I'm so sorry. Because I'm fat. Relax. Um, what would you have to be offered to be in the Illuminati? Not much. I like, I feel like I just want to be a part of something.

I love being a part of anything exclusive. We had this conversation the other day. I forget who it was, but it was like, what would it take for you to actually sell your soul and be in the Illuminati? Wait, so what's the downside? I don't even, maybe I don't know enough about it, but like, why would you not want to be in the Illuminati? It's so real. Why would you not want to be in the Illuminati? Do you know George Janko pissed me the fuck off?

And I did something very funny. Where'd you see him? Church? Exactly. George Janko had Andrew Tate on his podcast. Loser. And... Not George. And I was like, yowza. But also, you know exactly where my head goes whenever anything like that happens. I'm like, how? How? How did you... I want Andrew Tate on Cancelled. I would love that. I'm not an Andrew Tate stan. I would just love the conversation. Like...

It's called cancelled for a reason I would love to have Andrew Tate on you know And I've been trying for a while And like Mike will be like yeah if you come to Dubai with me and meet with him Then you can ask him and it's like I'm not going all the way to Dubai to do that Like you know what I mean like I've never Like it just is there an email I can't think of someone that I might have more disdain for than Andrew Tate Yeah but would you not want to have him on this couch I don't think so

I think I love like I wish we did that more on this podcast. Like had people who are truly, truly fucking canceled on and like grilled them. Like I think it like, you know, and people hate guests anyway. So we might as well have someone someone hates and be funny and Osama bin Laden them, you know? Yeah, but not what Osama bin Laden did, but you know what I mean? So I text George Janko and I go, how did you get Andrew on? He goes, how did you get him on? Like make it like I think it's like.

that's a joke i don't know or like was he saying like how did you get him on yeah like like i don't doesn't matter either way because neither way makes sense and i just said what and he said i can't say the illuminati won't let me and i respond to george jenko who is indubitably religious and i said i thought god was against the illuminati isn't that evil i thought we gave to our brothers and sisters and he said who's my brothers and sisters that's the question

I go, IDK, that's some Bible shit. Am I not your sister according to Christianity? Because according to Christianity that he preaches so heavily, I am his sister. He doesn't respond to me. I'm in the middle of the airport. I take the time to get on Google and I send him this text.

John 5 19 that wicked one is Satan and the devil which explains the existence of the evil Illuminati and corrupt governments Hebrews 10 19 wait and now we are brothers and sisters in God's family because of the blood of Jesus and he welcomes us to come into the most holy sanctuary and heavenly realm boldly without hesitation I'm sorry they knew about the Illuminati when was the Bible written I don't know

Who was the snitch? This was just Google. And George Janko responds to me this morning and just says, anything I can do to get you to read the Bible. He's low-key funny for that. Honestly, hilarious. How'd you get Andrew J. on? God, how long has the Illuminati been around? Anybody? I won't snitch. I want to know. Bad Baby's pregnant. Yay! I'm so excited for her. I kind of love that for her, yeah. Me too, for sure. Bad Baby. Bad Baby. Bad Baby. Bad Baby.

I feel like we've talked about this a lot. Like, I will dedicate my entire life to being a good parent because of the way I was raised. Oh, for sure. And I almost feel like she's going to slay that. Yeah, her mom sucks. Yeah, like, she's going to, and I feel like she's going to slay it, I guess. I don't really have any thoughts on that. I think so, too. A lot of, like, the best people I know have the worst parents. Netflix owes Mr. Beast a check. Why? Have you seen the new Squid Games on Netflix? Mm-mm. So, they, did you watch it? I know what you're talking about.

It's the best thing I've ever watched. You have to watch it. But they essentially made the Squid Games real life.

With a five million dollar prize. Oh shit. And they have like 500 people go play all the games that they like played in the squid games. Not dubbed. To compete for this money. I couldn't watch original squid games because I can't with the dubbed. I can't watch dubbed anything. Because I'm so deaf I have to like read. Well I just my attention span is like already bad enough. Like you can't count on me like keeping my eyes on the screen. At all. It took me 30 times to watch the movie Parasite. Like I just like can't. Such a sly though. Can't deal with the dubbed shit. But it's.

No, it's all these people competing for $5 million and it's half social, half luck, half skill. And it's all these people from different walks of life. 20% luck, 15% skill. What'd you say? Nothing. What did you say? Nothing. What did you say? No, I'm already embarrassed to not. We can cut it, but I just want to know. You know that song that's like 20% luck, 15% skill. 5% pleasure, 50% pain. And 100% reason to remember the name. There you go.

Slam. I knew you would get me. So they all just compete for like $5 million, whatever. But Mr. Beast literally made a YouTube video doing that, like a real life Squid Games. Yeah, but he was copying Squid Games. That's like if I were to cover I Will Always Love You, and then someone else were to cover it, and you were like, they owe Brooke a check. Topic over. You're so right. Topic over. My tooth is going to fall out any second.

So I feel like as much as I would actually love to have that happen on the podcast, so I at least feel some type of joy about it. Sometimes there's content or something. I should probably get off the mic. Yeah, I kind of I feel like I've definitely said enough. I'm so beyond proud of you. This is one of my favorite episodes we've ever shot. And I'm telling you, I'm working on the pick me stuff. This is an act of step.

I this is such an active step and I love you so much I'm so beyond proud of you we also in unintentionally matched today and we look very cute and an ugg sponsorship or ugg sponsorship with slay too yeah I'm like I love my uggs and my aloe outfit both things I'm never getting so I'll just shut up I'll wear my boys lie maybe they'll give me a deal but boys lie I love everyone boys do lie boys

And cheat and steal and Rob you of your joy I'm serious And if this one fucks me over You better check on me in that straight jacket Love you guys I'm going to Colorado You gonna come with me? When? Two days Bitch can you just be home for a sec? No I hate it here Perfect I do Molly with my idols in the spiral Well I'm glad I'm gonna have to face the repercussions of this episode alone

Know you're going with me and we're going to make snow angels. And I love you so much. Thank you guys for tuning in to a very special episode of the canceled podcast. Fuck Matt, right? Okay. Relax.