Are You Giving In...Or Just Using Wisdom?
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of the situation or the circumstance and maybe you're involved in situations where your spouse is like, "Hey, we really need to do what we said we were going to do here." And you're like, "I'm not quite sure right now is the time to do that." Well, good. That makes you a parent and that especially makes you a parent of a more strong-willed child because you are going to find yourself in these situations all the time. And if you have like more kind of typical compliant kids,

Parenting overall is kind of easy because you tell these kids what to do and they generally do it. But you have kids who are going to wait till the last moment. They're going to push the limits. You're going to tell them like, do not put your foot on that sofa. And they're going to like tap it with their heel and then or their big toe and say, well, my toes, not my foot.

And it's just hard sometimes. So I want to give you some insight in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast that I think will help you with some of these daily battles and situations. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Look, when we were parents early on,

We were in a community that tended to be very conservative, rigid, everything is black and white. And you're like, well, if you tell your child something, you have to always follow through because consistency is everything. And it is true. Consistency is good. Consistency is really helpful.

But consistency doesn't mean every single time, regardless of whatever else is going on. And so if you listen to our discipline program, this is going to fall under the category of read the moment.

Sometimes you just have to read the moment and determine what is the right thing to do right now. And you're going to get judged for this. But you guys have already gotten judged already. So you're used to it with these kids. So I want to go through, say, three different circumstances today.

give you some options because I like options and there isn't just one way to do this you have to understand your child and yourself so here's situation number one say with your daughter it's on Friday and she agreed to complete a task before the end of the weekend but

But like most of our kids, she is going to procrastinate, not get everything done Friday night because that's the way we would want it done, right? Like, well, honey, if you would just get it done now on Friday night, you wouldn't even have to worry about it. And part of that is, and I won't have to worry about reminding you 18 different times and actually doing it for you in the end anyway.

I get that. So she agrees. So the weekend goes on, but Saturday night, she goes to a sleepover at her friend's house, or maybe on Sunday there's a birthday party. And so your child has now consumed food dye and awful food and isn't feeling great. She didn't sleep, so she gets home Sunday afternoon and she's exhausted. And of course,

We as good parents are going to say, well, honey, remember on Friday, you agreed that you would complete this task. And now you get a huge meltdown. And I know this is hard because for most of you who are listening, you're like, that task isn't even hard. We did like 18 of these tasks. And all I'm asking you to do is this one thing. Why does it have to be so difficult? And so again,

You're wondering, okay, do we push it? Because I mean, she agreed to do this. And if we let her get away with this, what kind of message are we sending if we don't follow through? And my answer in this situation is you're sending the message that you're able to think.

that you're wise, that sometimes you change things based on new information and new facts. And in truth, here's what's happening. Your child in this particular situation is not in a good place. And if you do choose to push right now and say, well, I don't care, you need to get this done or else,

you're probably going to be looking at a three or four hour meltdown and it's just not going to work. And so I want you to know in this situation, you learn to read the moment. And here's what's important to me. You made the decision.

You read the moment and you determined, you talked to your spouse, if you're a single parent, you talked to yourself and you said, you know what? This is one of those, these moments I've seen this before. She's not in a good headspace right now.

So I am going to choose not to bring it up, not to enforce it right now. There's nothing wrong with waiting until the next day after she has gotten a good sleep and eaten something that's actually good for her and is in a different place than to bring it up and say, "Hey honey, remember on Friday you agreed to do X. Why don't we get that done now?" That's called being smart.

And look, you're not going to raise an entitled child by doing this. Now, if you do everything for your kids and you don't ask anything of them and you're always letting them get off the hook and you're not expecting anything, well, yeah, then you're going to raise an entitled child.

if you are always giving into tantrums because your child is upset and you're like well i just don't want them to be upset and i don't want to put up with this this big tantrum right now that's not good because now your child is manipulating you and your child knows oh if i just throw a tantrum

well, then you're going to give in. But that's not what just happened. You just made the decision. You didn't say, well, honey, do you want to do that extra task tonight? You didn't do that. You just made the decision. Why? Because you're a confident parent. You're a good parent. Trust your instincts. Unless your instincts on parenting are awful, then listen to your wife. I mean, your spouse. So I was kind of kidding with that.

But I do want you to learn to trust yourself and know it's not always black and white. So in this particular instance, what we read was our child is not in a good place and will not be able to handle that. So situation number two.

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So the second option is going to be a little different. So let's say you have a son and you say, hey, if you want to get a shower tonight, you have to be done by 8 p.m. because that's your bedtime. And I know for many of you listening, this is a weird example because you're like, wait, what child wants to actually take a shower? There are some. This was an actual real situation that happened with a couple that I was working with. So they were like, hey, you want to shower? It's got to be done by 8 p.m.

Pretty clear, pretty easy to work on. Again, many of your kids, they will have it all done. No big problem. But if you have a strong willed child, you already know where this goes. That child at 7.30, have they gotten in a shower? Nope, because they're too busy doing stuff they really want to do. Whether it's building with Lego blocks or on their screens or...

Or maybe they're creating something, listening to music. 7.45, have they gotten in the shower? Nope. You know what's going to happen. Right at 8 o'clock when they're supposed to be done, you hear the shower turned on. And your immediate instinct as a good parent is, uh-uh, uh-uh. Hey, I was very clear about this. You had to be done by 8 o'clock.

And if you don't really do our approach or you're just learning this, then you're going to go into the long lecture. You know what? I was very clear about 8 p.m. And yet you do this all the time. You have to procrastinate. And then when you procrastinate, it gets too late. And if you're not in bed on time, you're not going to get a good sleep. And in the morning, you're going to be crabby and you're not going to be ready for school. All those things. I get it.

So here's the determining factor in this situation. I think you have two realistic options that still make you a good parent. What I want to ask in this situation is, are you in a good place right now? Because if you want to go ahead and keep your promises, if you've listened to our discipline program, that's what we call it, instead of, well, I just need to enforce consequences.

We found a lot of parents don't like that language and it feels like, well, I'm just always enforcing consequences. So I make it a promise. Hey, I promise you if you do X, this is the outcome you have chosen. So when you follow through, well, then you are just keeping your promise to your child. And that speaks of personal integrity. I like that. So here's the thing.

If you stick to your guns, if you are consistent and follow through on this and say, no, you cannot take a shower now.

You're probably looking at a good hour, two-hour meltdown and fight where your child turns on the water. You turn it off. Young man, you get out of the bathroom right now. You get into bed. I am not going to tell you again, which guarantees you're going to tell him 15 times. And then your child's going to fake like he's asleep. You go downstairs, and you're tending to your other children and doing other things. And guess what? You hear the water running again, right? And now you're like...

I'll teach that child a lesson this time. And it just escalates over and over again. You know what? I told you to get in bed. You've seen this. You've done this before. Now, here's what I want you to know. In this particular situation, if you choose to just keep your promises to

then know that you have to do it even, matter of fact, calm. I want you to be very...

Very business-like in how you do it. No lecturing. No, you know what? I shouldn't have to tell you 15 times to do all this. Just stick to it. Even, matter of fact, no emotion, no drama on your part. Just know that there is going to be a lot of drama on their part. And if your larger goal in this is to say, hey,

I want you to be able to trust that when we say 8 p.m., we mean 8 p.m. That doesn't mean 8.01 or 8.20 or 9.30. We mean 8 p.m. And I do want you to do that at times. I want you to be very consistent. I want your kids to be able to trust you and what you tell them. Just do it with no drama. I know that's really hard. Now,

Here's the other option. Maybe you've had a really long day. Something stressful happened at work. Maybe you're in a fight with your spouse. Maybe you're sick. You're just not feeling well. Well, now you're going to read the moment and say, you know what?

I just don't have what it takes tonight to go through this two-hour meltdown that's about to happen. And so therefore, I am going to choose the wise route and just let our son take a shower at 8 o'clock.

And instead, I'm going to go downstairs or maybe with your spouse and we'll do stuff with the other kids or we'll just sit in the kitchen. We'll have a glass of iced tea or a bottle of rum. I'm kidding. But we'll sit down there. Maybe you have a glass of wine together. It's perfectly fine. And have a snack.

And you talk and enjoy your time while your strong-willed son is up taking a really long shower. And then you're going to have to work on your own trigger because when you were a kid, you weren't able to take a long shower. All those things deal with it. But here's what happened if you choose that route. You and your spouse enjoyed some time. There wasn't yelling and screaming. And now your child is in bed at 8.20 instead of 8 p.m.

Is that okay? I think that's perfectly reasonable. You can do it any way you want that. Do I want to always choose that path so that your word just doesn't become worthy of respect at all? Absolutely not. But there are moments, there are nights, there are mornings where you say, you know what, I'm going to pick up the toys instead of getting all upset.

I'm going to go ahead and clean that thing that my child should have cleaned. That bike that was left out in the driveway that I told him that if it wasn't picked up, it was going to be given away to children who need a bike.

You know what, this night I'm going to go pick up that bike. You're going to go through probably dozens of those situations with your kids during their childhood. And I want you to know that if you do that, sometimes you go pick up that bike and you handle it, you're not ruining your child. If you do that every time, yeah, then they're going to become entitled not respect you. I hope that makes sense. So let's do a third option.

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So this is a situation that happened with our son Casey when he was about 12 or 13. We lived in Nashville and on Friday nights we used to go

Downtown under this bridge and we'd help feed homeless people and was it kind of a big deal to our family and there was this one Friday when Casey had left his favorite sweatshirt at the gym and I said, hey, we'll get it tomorrow. It'll be fine. We've got to go We don't want to be late for this. We made a commitment to it and he laid into me. He was upset He was like, no, I'm not going unless we go to the gym first. I need that sweatshirt and

And look, if you have a strong willed child or just a normal kid, their sweatshirts, like his favorite hoodie, it may as well have been for him like leaving $5,000 at the gym. They're very attached to their hoodies. And the truth is, I'm really attached to some of my hoodies too. They're really comfortable, especially the ones that are really old that should be thrown out. Those are the best ones.

So he's got this sweatshirt. Look, from a dad's point of view, I'll tell you what was going through my head. One, duh, it's a stupid sweatshirt. Who cares? Two, nobody's going to take your gross sweatshirt anyway. It'll be there tomorrow on Saturday when we go to the gym. No big deal. Three, why are you talking to me like that? I'm the authority figure here.

I would have never spoken to my father like that. You know what? In return for you being disrespectful, you know what? I'm going to call the guy at the gym and say, if he finds your nasty sweatshirt, just throw it away. Burn it. Like, that's what's in my head. So if you struggle with any of those things, that means you're a normal human being. Being calm doesn't mean, oh, I just always am happy and positive and nothing bothers me. No.

You're gonna be frustrated. You're gonna be irritated. You're gonna be personally offended at times.

But you just don't want to act out of that. You don't want to react to those feelings inside of you and speak during those times. Because like me, you will end up saying hurtful, damaging things to your kids. So feel it, but I don't act out of it. So I remember this very, very clearly. This is like 17 years ago.

And I remember the feeling. And you're going to wrestle inside with these things. Like, oh, do I give in to him and end up taking him to get the sweatshirt? Because then aren't I reinforcing that if he talks to me like that, he demands something of me, that he's then in control, and then he gets to just bully me with this? Like, those things are going to go in your head routinely with these kids.

But when I was processing it inside, I often would just go to the bathroom and fake like I had to pee or I'd go get a drink of water. Why? It was buying me 30 seconds to think because...

Because where I had almost ruined my relationship with my son is that I always just reacted immediately. And the way I was raised in the community I was raised in was kind of like, well, you have to discipline promptly. And they took that way too far of like, that means you just have to react right away and take everything away and be harsh. Well, so I knew that was my impulse. So I remember wrestling with this.

And I caught myself. And I can't tell you exactly how, but it was a reset that I came up with. And I'm going to write that down. So just bear with me if you don't mind. Because this podcast, I really like this one. But I didn't have all the notes written out. And I want to go through sometime on, say, an Instagram video, a little bit more on that reset. Because it's really important. So I reset myself inside after wrestling with these things.

And I tried to take in all the context. Okay, here's what I know about my son. He loves that sweatshirt. My son struggles with a lot of anxiety. And that whole night, all he's going to be worried about is, is my sweatshirt okay? Am I going to get it back? And you know what I knew also? I'm the same way. I'm the same way.

I'm exactly the same way. Casey and I went to a concert once in Charlottesville, Virginia, and I left my favorite, I think it was like an Old Navy blue hoodie sweatshirt that was so soft from like 1994 or something. And I actually called John Paul Jones Arena. I still remember the name of the arena in Charlottesville.

And said, or I emailed them and said, hey, if you find a blue sweatshirt, I will pay for you to send it back. See, sometimes step outside of yourself and don't take everything personally. And so I got it. And so I pivoted and I said, you know, Casey, here's the deal.

We're running a little bit late. But if you will load the car filled with the waters and the food, I will get ready. We will go ahead and we'll stop at the gym. You can run and get your sweatshirt. You good with that? And he's like, Dad, yeah. And so he packed the whole car. He got everything done. And on the way to the gym, guess what I got?

An apology. Hey, Dad, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you. We ended up bonding over it. We ended up having a really great night that entire night. Now, did I give in to my son by taking him to the gym? You could say that if you want. And I'd say, okay, I'm guilty of that. Or did I just read the moment?

Was I just using some wisdom there? Because look, there are times when I do want you to be rigid. There's certain things where it's like, no, you're not going to that party. Nope, you don't get to have that. Yep, you can have a tantrum. You throw a tantrum in the middle of the floor. You can, teenager, give me the silent treatment. You can yell at me. You can scream at me.

You can do whatever you want, but my answer is no, because I know what's best for you. And no, you can't go to that party. No, you can't have that thing. I want you in the right times to be very firm. With screens, I want you to be able to say, no, this is how we do it in our home. Your all phones have to be on the kitchen counter by 9 p.m. or whatever time you choose.

No, I'm not giving into that. No, you may not have this app on your phone. No four-year-old, you may not have what you are screaming about right now. And I'm okay with you yelling because your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior. See, I want you to know the difference and choose those important times. But I also want you to give yourself time

I want you to give yourself some flexibility to know you're not being a bad parent if you just read the moment and know that either your child is not in a good place right now to handle that or you're not in a good place to handle it. So,

Think about that this week and let's practice. I want you, those of you who are a little bit too soft at times or too, maybe because of your childhood, don't beat yourself up for it, but sometimes you kind of give in and you're like, well, I don't want them to be sad. Well, I want you to practice being a little bit more firm, more consistent. And if you're a parent who's always like, I'm just really rigid and I always say no all the time. Well, I want you to practice being flexible and

Because if you do this, you will have kids who respect you, who listen to you, who grow up to be responsible, and who also have a relationship with you. And you have a trusting relationship. So if you need help with that, we've got a big sale going on at CelebrateCalm.com on our materials. Go through that discipline program. It's four and a half hours long. I cover all the really hard stuff. And

And then you get 13 other programs beside that for less than the price of two trips to a therapist's office. If you need help with that, help financially, reach out to us. We'll help you out. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for working so hard at this. This isn't easy. And you are growing so much emotionally and relationally. And I'm proud of you for that. And I appreciate you sharing the podcast with other parents. Hey, you're good parents. You're really good parents.

If we can help you in any way, just let us know, okay? Love you all. Bye-bye.