3 Ways to Handle Your Triggers & Trauma
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On top of that, you're battling issues from your own childhood and a spouse who seemingly undermines what you're trying to do. And that's a lot to deal with. A typical problem that parents experience is typified by this email. Our child is struggling in school with blurting out, emotional outbursts and not completing schoolwork. We've tried taking away things and grounding him, but nothing seems to work. Our child's in therapy now to help with these things.

But my husband and I struggle with controlling our own emotions and we're not always on the same page. So...

How do we handle this? That is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin. I am founder of CelebrateCalm.com. I'm excited to share an idea at the end of this podcast that we used as a family, but I've never shared it before on the podcast. And I'm going to address these common issues over the course of two separate podcasts.

That way I can address each part in detail. In this podcast, we're going to address your role as the parent. And then in the next episode, I'll show you how to handle behavior issues in a way that builds confidence instead of destroying it. And we'll also address when it's helpful for your child to go to therapy and when it's not.

So here's the thing. Marriage and parenting will likely be the two most challenging jobs or missions you'll ever take on in your life because you are coming face to face with your own character deficits, right? Because you never knew you could be this impatient or this easily frustrated, right? You're good people. But then it's like, oh, the kids are driving me crazy and I'm exhausted.

You're also dealing with hurts from your childhood or bad modeling by your own parents. Look, all I knew to do was what I saw my dad do. So I repeated that pattern. Yell and scream, get upset, fear and intimidation. And when I was a kid, I hid both physically and kind of metaphorically and emotional way. I hid. Why? So I wouldn't take the brunt of my dad's anger or his fist.

And maybe you learned to be a people pleaser because it guaranteed you got your parents' love and acceptance. Or you were kind of like the perfect child who always did everything well in school. Why? Because maybe your parents were overachievers and you learned that maybe you had the strong will, child,

sibling and you saw them getting in trouble and you're like I don't want to do that and my parents acceptance is based on how well I do in school so you buckle down or you may be the strong-willed child who grew up to be strong-willed parent and

And you're actually starting to see yourself and understand yourself for the first time through parenting your own strong-willed child. And that can bring a lot of healing. It can bring pain as well. But it's just interesting. So maybe you grew up in a chaotic home and you learned to take control of situations because that kept you safe. And all of these things were very smart of you and I to do when we were kids, right?

But now these same strategies that served us well as a kid begin to sabotage your relationships. So we have to work through those. We've got to break generational patterns. And we all have these issues. So don't beat yourself up.

you will likely feel helpless and at your wits end with a strong-willed child, wondering, what the heck do we do with this kid? All the normal parenting advice simply doesn't work with these kids. And look, it usually backfires. It usually makes it worse. And then you get judged on top of that.

So, some parents, like me, refuse to acknowledge this. We live in denial. That's what I did at first. And so we double down on the tough approach. I'm just going to double down on the consequences. And then the strong, bold child kind of quadruples down on the resistance.

So it backfires. Other parents feel guilty. You second-guess yourself and then you swing too far the other way. And now you become too sweet and you get walked all over by this child. And now you and your spouse are kind of far apart on this spectrum. So I want to address two common scenarios that can sabotage your family. And these are scenarios I've never really covered in a lot of detail on the podcast.

But then I want to give you a cool idea to try as a family or you can do this as a single parent.

So, first situation: oftentimes men rough house with their kids and it can make moms anxious or nervous. I know as a dad, I played rougher with our son when he was young. And I'm not talking about hitting, abuse, yelling at, or constantly criticizing a child. That would destroy them. And I'm not talking about doing anything out of anger or resentment.

It was simple roughhousing while we were playing. It's a very common way for men to connect with their kids. And if you look up the research, roughhousing is absolutely essential

for a child's healthy brain development and I covered sibling roughhousing and how to handle that in a new updated discipline program and in doing so I did some research. This is a really important thing. So you have to understand the importance of this. I was also tougher on our son in many situations. And look, a lot of moms, wives are tougher on the kids and dad is a little bit more laid back. So it works both ways.

But with our son, look, if he was sick, I might have said, hey, I know you're not feeling well, but I expect you to work today and know you can overcome this adversity. And my wife would be more likely to say, oh, honey, just get your rest. And each response was perfectly appropriate. Now, here's the dynamic to watch out for. Sometimes a wife will interrupt or interfere and say, oh,

Oh, honey, husband, don't play so rough with our child or you're being too tough on our son or daughter. And then the dad, the husband will kind of shut down and feel left out of the parenting process like nothing he ever does is ever right or good enough. That's very common. I want you to be aware of it.

I want, we want dads to be involved. So have an honest conversation about this in your home. Look, learn how to do that. Learn how to say, "Honey, it just makes me really uncomfortable when you're being rough with our kids." And then a husband, you can say, "I know, I understand that. It can sound a little bit chaotic and sounds like we're getting hurt."

But I'm not doing it out of anger and I'm in control of myself and this is really important. And so will you trust me with this? Talk about that. Again, I am not talking about hitting abuse, relentless criticism, demeaning a child. I'm not talking about being angry and lashing out. I'm talking about having sometimes a more stern tone, which does not mean it's just more stern and serious or physically roughhousing.

A mature way to handle this would be to say, "Hey, I've realized after listening to this guy's podcast and you fill in the blank, I'm too reactive. I lecture too much. I let the kids get away with too many things. I don't hold boundaries. I yell. I'm too critical. Could you help me make some small changes?" That kind of humility in your relationships is very powerful.

Otherwise, you know what you're going to do? You're just going to point fingers at each other. And then you're just going to lose your whole family and your marriage. It just doesn't work that way. But if you work together on this, not trying to make like one is better than the other, you'll change things very quickly. Okay, number two. We often try to fix the child because the parent refuses to change.

Over the years, I guarantee you I have received thousands of emails from moms. The first six paragraphs detail the child's behavioral issues, big emotions, and meltdowns. And then the last sentence is almost an aside.

Oh, by the way, my husband has anger issues and I'm like, oh I didn't need to read the first six paragraphs Just that last sentence because look if mom or dad have anger issues and can't control themselves The strong-willed child will likely have emotional outbursts. You can't separate the two no blame. No guilt. It's just how it works Sometimes the roles are reversed, but this is most common. So here's what's really happening. I

A mom has most likely asked her husband to change repeatedly, even dozens of times, to work on his anger, reactive issues. Honey, please stop yelling at the kids. Stop being so critical. Please deal with your anger issues. But he denies or dismisses her as I did before I changed.

And so then what she is desperately asking me, a stranger is, hey, can you please help me to get my child to calm down and stop reacting so that my husband doesn't get upset and yell? See how that works? I want you to help me change my child precisely because my husband won't.

And so I don't have to be caught in between and manage everybody's emotions and be the referee. And look, I always want to respond, hey, you just need to talk to your husband instead of trying to fix your child. But that's easy for me to say sitting in the comfort of my own home.

Because what I'm really asking a woman to do quite often is this. Hey, you know that guy who's most likely bigger and stronger and more aggressive than you? You know the guy with the anger issues who gets triggered, melts down? Yeah, go tell him he needs to grow up and work on his anger issues.

And that can be scary depending on the situation. It can be a terrifying, vulnerable, and lonely place to be. So I do always try to help out with the child. But it's not right to ask the child to change when the grown adult can't. And it's not right to put a wife in that position. And I'm also going to add this for the moms.

you're not crazy you're not imagining this I know that controlling people often isolate their spouses live far away from family and any support and they turn things around on you to cause you to doubt yourself and blame yourself and question yourself and I just want you to know moms you're seen you're not alone so what can we do in this situation

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So I like to use analogies with men because we tend to relate to those well. And I always kind of joke with men when they get our Get Everything package. It has 14 programs and I'm like, hey, guys, look, your wife is going to listen to all 14 programs. I just want you to start with a straight talk for dad's program. It's concise. It's direct. Very easy. It's a guy, me talking to them like we talk. Concise, direct, actionable.

And I always make this analogy. In every sphere of life, men respect other men who stay cool and calm under pressure. We like following the quarterback, platoon captain, the ER doctor, the business leader who stays cool when everything is falling apart. We're not going to follow a quarterback who's like, you don't know what route to run. How many times have I told you? You don't run that route. You keep fumbling. Let's go score. Nobody's following that guy.

And so like when we're at work, we tend to be very good at, we stay calm, we assess the situation and we problem solve. But for some reason we walk through the door of our home and then we just lose it. And so for the next week, sometimes I challenge dads, instead of just being the reactive dad who's kind of always irritated me,

Be the quarterback in your home. Assess what's going on. Look at the defense. See what they're throwing your way. And then you adjust to that and you lead your team. You lead your kids. If your husband happens to be watching a football game, you could always say, "Hey, could we use this whole quarterback model with the kids this week?" And he may be like, "What do you mean?" I'll be like, "Well, the team follows the quarterback when the quarterback stays cool and calm under pressure and leads his team."

And I would keep things simple. Maybe you can agree on a couple goals for the week. And whatever your weakness is, be vulnerable and start with that. Hey, I struggle with X. Hey, I struggle with holding the kids accountable, with holding boundaries. This week, I'd like to learn how to be a little tougher. I'd like to learn how to not be moved by their emotions and get manipulated by them.

I need help learning to say, no, could you come alongside me and help me because you're actually really good at that and I could use your help. See, that's kind of nice. And maybe your spouse practices not reacting and not getting upset when the kids misbehave and your spouse sits, problem solves like they do at work. And I think an easy goal for both of you to get on board with is very foundational and

Hey, could we just practice this for one week? We're simply going to affirm your kids for what they're already doing well. Short and sweet, make it specific. Hey, I appreciate you helping me clean up. Hey, I noticed how you handled that with your sister. That shows me you're growing up. And then you just walk out of the room, short and sweet with your praise.

Hey, I heard you apologize to your mom earlier. A lot of grown-ups can't and won't even admit their mistakes. It's really mature of you. Hey, I noticed you lost at the board game earlier and I heard you start to complain. But then you caught yourself and you said, hey, good game to your brother. Man, I'm really proud of you.

Do that for a week. Watch how the kids respond. Start with small things. I'm telling you, small things that you change can have a big difference. Changing your tone of voice and going with this even matter-of-fact tone is very grounding. Sitting in a situation instead of standing there with your arms flailing and you flailing can be helpful. Affirming your kids, just do it for a week.

If you have it and if you're up for it, listen to that updated Discipline That Works program as part of the package and decide on two or three things that you'll both agree to do. Look, you can't say like, you know, we need to completely redo our whole parenting paradigm. It's too big. It's too broad a goal. I want you to make small, simple adjustments, see progress, and then keep working at it.

Now, here's the idea that I alluded to earlier. And it is an idea I introduced into that new program. It's what we used as a family. And even if you're a single parent, you can do this. And you can do it even if your kids don't participate. So in many homes and classrooms, adults create behavior charts with rules and consequence for each misbehavior involved.

that don't work. They just don't. And it focuses way too much effort on just getting good outward behavior. And most of our strong will kids just live on red on the behavior chart. They're always in trouble, so they just stop trying. Or they'll do even worse. They internalize, I'm a bad kid. I'm the black sheep of the family. Nobody likes me. We don't want that.

But what if instead of a behavior chart, you created a trigger chart or a trigger board for your entire family, especially as the kids get older. So you just get a whiteboard or a piece of paper and you list out each person's name at the top, mom, dad, each child, and then one trigger each person struggles with.

What does trigger you? What bothers you? What makes you react, sets you off, ruins your sense of order and peace? When you take the lead on this, you are modeling humility and you are working on yourself. It is the greatest lecture you can give to your kids is to have them actually just watch you change right in front of them. And so you need to be honest. Hey, my triggers when things are kind of askew in the house and there's a mess.

And you can tell your kids why that bothers you so much. Might be something from your childhood. Don't share your trauma and horrify your kids, but you can share small things.

You can explain why this bothers you, the physical feeling you feel in your body, how you typically react to it. They already know this because they've seen you do it. But most importantly, one or two ways you are going to begin responding to overcome this trigger. Maybe yours is, hey, my trigger is being late. When I was a kid, we got yelled at a lot, even if we were on time.

because my dad was career military. So when you guys move slowly, have you ever noticed that I try to rush you? Then what happens? You guys move more slowly. And you're not rejecting me or my authority. You're rejecting my anxiety. So from now on, here is what I'm going to practice doing instead.

And it's not like you sharing your triggers is going to surprise your kids. Your kids already know your triggers before you do. So help them identify their triggers. Hey, I've noticed a pattern, something that really upsets you is when plans change suddenly.

when you don't get what you want, when you lose at games. So normalize it. Everybody has triggers in this family, in the world. And then teach and show them how to handle those triggers differently. Now your kids don't have to participate.

but you're normalizing the fact that we all have triggers and we're modeling for them how to deal with their own issues so they learn how to get to the root of it. But this is way more important than anything your kids are going to learn in school. How many people with master's degrees and PhDs

can't handle human relationships and their lives become a mess. You can have all the knowledge in the world and be really good at studying, but if you don't know how to handle your own triggers and handle relationships with people that trigger you,

Nothing, the education doesn't matter. It's really important. I wish someone had taught me this before I was 35. It almost ruined all my relationships. So, okay, I'm just checking time. So here's the deal. I try to keep these podcasts around 22 to 25 minutes so they're bite-sized and actionable.

But I've got a couple minutes. So if you're okay with it, and it doesn't matter, you can turn this off whenever you want. I'm going to try to demonstrate off the top of my head how I handled one of my triggers. It's one of my favorite things to do. If you ever go through our programs, you go through the 30 Days to Calm program, I'll help you with your triggers. I love doing this with people. Okay, so...

Here's how you begin. First, simply identify your trigger. And if you don't know what they are, ask your strong-willed child because he or she knows all your buttons to push. They knew it. So own it. I am triggered when my kids dawdle because that means we'll be late and I'll feel guilty. And I think it's unruised. I think it's rude. It causes me anxiety.

I don't see why they can't just be organized and be ready on time like I was as a kid. And my dad would be upset if we were late, so I learned to always be ready because I didn't want to face his disapproval. And this was an area where I could get his approval because my brother was late and he always got yelled at. And so there can be a lot wrapped up in your triggers, and you don't have to tell your kids all those, but tell it to yourself. The next step is...

Basically diagram out how this unfolds in your home. When my kids dawdle, my tone changes. It becomes irritated, demanding. That kind of clip. Guys, guys, can you hear that kind of clip thing? My body posture changes. I lean into my kids. I look irritated. I become less patient and more anxious. Okay, so how does that cause your kids to react?

Well, my kids pick up on my anxiety and my tone. They argue more or they simply go more slowly, which then triggers me to become more demanding and upset, and then everything unravels.

Okay, good. You're just honestly assessing the situation. What can we do differently? What can you do differently next time? I'm just going to spout these off the top of my head. Do the opposite of what you normally do. Instead of barking orders, ask questions instead because that way you're leading your kids. Instead of my sole focus being, I need you to move,

Slow down just a bit and connect with your child over something important to them. Get outside of your agenda and realize what's holding them up. In this case, it was often anxiety because your kids struggle with going to new places and experiences or going to school. So it's an anxiety issue. And so you rushing them will actually make that worse and trigger a big meltdown.

So when I stop for just a second, I say, oh, that's what's going on. Now I can normalize it and say, you know what? Yeah, I wouldn't want to go to this thing either. It's all these new people that you've never met before. That could be kind of scary. I feel the same way when I'm going to have to go to an after work party with people or have to give a presentation. New things are a little scary.

See, that's normalizing it. That settles your child. Hey, on the way to school, doctor's appointment, type window class, I have an idea to make this easier for you. See, now you're coming along and you're bringing solutions. You're a problem solver instead of the problem creator.

So here's another one. In that moment, simply affirm them for one good choice they've made lately. Hey, I really admire how you handled that situation with your friend yesterday. See, that will break all that tension. It changes the dynamic. And when you connect with kids, they tend to cooperate better.

Give them some space sometimes. Hey, I'll meet you guys in the car in seven minutes. And then sometimes sit and don't say a word. Make yourself relax. Use an even tone like you've got this, like they've got this. And at all times, I always go back. I give kids tools to move more quickly. Oh, I just remembered. Do you think you're strong enough, big enough, responsible enough to do X in the car, on the way to the car in order for us to go?

See, the point is that instead of trying to fix a kid, really work on yourself instead. No blame, no guilt. It's just acknowledging, "I've got issues." When you yell or react or get upset, apologize and reset yourself. Alright, we've covered a lot of ground today, so you know what your homework is.

You can do this. Change yourself first and your kids will change more quickly. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for sharing the podcast. I got it under 25 minutes. So thank you for listening. We really appreciate it. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Love you all. Bye-bye.