Jay Shetty: The Rules for Falling in Love and Not Fucking It Up (FBF) [VIDEO]
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What is your daddy game? IT is your founding father, alex Cooper, with call her. J shaddy, welcome to call her da di.

I am so happy .

to have you here. I think we've become quick podcast friends, everyone. I went on jays show the first I I don't really go on podcast and you made me feel so comfortable. So i'm so happy to have you here now at my studio.

comfortable. You are amazing. People love you as always, as expected, but I think people love seeing that side of you, and i'm just so grateful that you give me that opportunity.

So thank you so much. Well, thank you, because now we're going to learn from the master. Today we're going to talk about love.

The real reason you're here is you have a new book out. The eight rules of the, yes, I read this and was like daddy gay. Every single person listening today, you are going to learn something because I learned so much from your book. What inspired you to write a book breaking down all things love related.

So I think I just had so many friends, clients and people in my life for the last few years that had a passionate career, but they felt unfulfilled because they didn't have love in their life, or they were hustling and they were making things happen. But then their partnership was falling apart, their relationship was falling apart, and that was affecting their self steam.

And I started to find that whether you are at the beginning of your career or at the peak of your career, if you weren't figuring out your relationship, IT was causing massive issues with self worth, self steam and self respect. And so I realized that no matter what you achieve in your life, if we don't play close attention to this, we're gonna feel extremely disconnected from the quality of our lives. And so I don't want people to live their lives feeling unhappy, dissatisfied.

And then let's talk about this school didn't teach us how to fall in love. I didn't teach us how to find people. I didn't teach how to keep love.

Our parents made struggled. Most people didn't see a great example. If you did, you're extremely fortunate. So we did never good example at home. And then when you look at your friends and family members, you see a lot of this function. And so I wanted to study all of that. I wanted to look in within the diffunce tions i've had in my own life, and then go, okay, how do we actually give people a guide, book a map, and not tell them how to do IT and what to do perfectly, but give them everything they need to think about along the way?

We're gna get into all of this. But let's start from the beginning. The first rule you write in your book is let yourself be alone.

We see IT all the time. People can convince ourselves to say, I, C, and a really bad relationship, rather than ending IT and just being good with being alone. How can people get over the hump of actually breaking up with someone they know is not good for them and be alone?

Yeah, i'm so glad we started here because i've wrote a book about loving relationships. And the first chapter about being alone and I J what you're doing. But the research shows that when you get into a relationship because you're scared of being alone, raise your hand if you've ever got with someone because you are scared of being alone and single.

But the hands are out, everyone around the room. Every in the room out, everyone in the room stands up. We've all done that.

And here's what happens when you get into relationship because you're scared of being alone. The first thing that happens is you settle for less than you deserve. The second thing that happens is you become more dependent on them.

And the third thing that happens because of the first two is you are so scared of breaking up with them, you struggle to break up with that person, which is the core of vial question. And the reason for that, we have to dive into why that happens. When I get to the question of like how do you break up with someone when you know they right for you? We have to go backwards and look at how we ended up there.

We ended up there because society makes you feel less than when you're lonely. If you went to school and you had a birthday party and no one showed up, you were the lona. If you SAT alone at the lunch table at school, you were the weirdo.

If you are in your twenty years or thirties, or maybe even forties, and you turn up at a wedding without a plus one, it's like, oh, poor you. And so societies made being alone the victim, and to somehow that's gone inside our minds. And we've gone a way, a minute. If I leave this person that reflects on myself worth and what I want people to understand is the difference between compatibility and self worth, you may be incompatible with someone, but that doesn't mean that that's a reflection of yourself worth. And so we need to disconnect the idea that just because this person's not right for me doesn't mean i'm bad way .

you just describe that is so fascine into actually if you disease the concept of like you're right, being alone has always been something that you feel shame for. And then I think as we get into our adult hood, we start to realize that shit I feel so uncomfortable, but i'm alone. But I think that's what i'm supposed to feel the most comfortable with.

But how do I achieve that again, back? Like no one taught us that being alone is actually very cool. And it's like the sexiest thing about someone is that you can be good on your own.

You're going to a attract Better energy because you are an independent, fully formed human being. That's not then attaching yourself to someone else just because you're trying to fill, avoid or in need throughout the book. You use your own love story with your wife, roddy, as a reference point for the reader. Where were you at in your life when you met your wife? And how did you grapple with being alone prior to finding your person?

When I met my wife, I hadn't been on a date and probably around three to four years and then all of a sudden i'm, you know, dating this girl that that i'm really into. And I go back to all my old habits. So i'm trying to impresses with everything.

By the way, I have no money. I'm twenty five thousand dollars in debt. I don't have a job and i'm trying to cross. They think to her that i'm really cool and I have that and I know what i'm doing.

And so what i'm doing is i'm tutor kids on the side, like students making like twenty pounds an hour from teaching economics to a student at university or college, saving up to pay for our dates, and then trying to pull off the most expensive epic show off eighteen year old dates that I thought impressive. And so I took at a like ka telly, which is like, this missile and star, like David bacon, go there. It's in london.

I can, I can afford IT to save my life. I like, save up everything I possibly can to book a table there. You can never get a reservation.

I took IT to see wicked and theater like saving up that. I'm saving up like literally, my twenty bound an hour student payments to pay for a day. And i'm realizing, what am I doing? And the best thing was my wife came to all these things, and now I know obvious ly, I know her. We've been together for ten years, but at the time I didn't know. I thought.

that's what women want when you start dating. And if you're not so selfish red with yourself and who you are, what you can offer a relation and ship and confident, I think that's a huge thing, right? You can then start to try to appease the person sitting across from you, like what they say, what you, what would you naturally want to give this person and experience what you want?

I would say that I felt confident about who I was internally, but I was really unconfident about what I had externally because I didn't have a job, but I didn't have money, I didn't have a car, I didn't have a home, I didn't have anything. And because I thought that's what relationships were value based on, I was devaluing myself.

And I think we all do that right, like just we find another way to find one of our own dad inadequacies and d value ourselves. And let's think which one A D value who we are and value what we think the other person will value. And that paradox, like that chAllenge ends up making you move so far away from who you are.

And actually, that person could have fell in love with that. And I think I feel the opposite now. And it's really interesting where and i'm sure i'm sure you've gone through some form of this, but I found that as I became more externally successful, I wanted my wife to validate my external success.

So every time I win the water, like, I look what I did, I look how cool this is, or like when we did something big and be like, love me for this, like, please appreciate me for this. And luckily, I have a wife who humbles me in every body of where and this doesn't care. And and I started to realize that actually, my wife loves me for who I am. And I should just see that as the greatest truth and accept that rather than constantly trying to get her to love of a stuff that .

I had you that reminds me of something I I really appreciated you talked about in your book. And I actually pulled the quote because I thought IT was so powerful, something I say all the time, and I think we're aligned on.

This is like the best way to get into a relationship I always think is to focus on yourself, really focus on, obviously, without being fully selfish, like what do you want? Who are you? What do you need in a relationship that's when you're gonna track someone that then s going to be a great partner for you.

You wrote in your book, in solitude, we practice giving ourselves what we need before we expect that from someone else. People determine how to treat us, in large part by observing how we treat ourselves. Our relationship with someone else won't cure your relationship with yourself. Can you give us an example of like how do people negatively talk to themselves and how does that impact then how they're gonna be treated?

yes. So I think that a great example would be, we think like I am not smart and so or i'm not intelligent or I don't have anything valuable to say, and I have a bunch of friends who the world would contain, absolutely stunning and gorgeous and beautiful and everything else, but they're super smart and intelligent, but they never showed that side of themselves because they scared they are not allowed to be that.

And what ends up happening with that, you never show and display that side of yourself. So in a conversation, when a topic comes up, you stay quiet, uh, when you have something to say, you remain silent. So you're constantly like suppressing your own voice.

And now what you don't realize is that you've created a persona for that person to fall in love, weird. And if that person fall in love, that persona, now you've got ta act and perform for the rest of your life, right? ExhAusting, exhAusting.

Or chances are they don't like that person because I would have like you. But now you've started to think there's even more inadequacies in you. So I think what happens up happening is I think we've just been made to believe that there are certain things that people are attracted to and there are certain things that people are not. And I think when you play that game, you run the risk of not being attracted to yourself anymore. And I think that that's the most dangerous thing.

You're right, a lot of life is about viewing ourselves to the eyes of other people. And if you don't really know yourself, you're probably yourself worth is going to be predicted on how other people view you. And if you're seeing someone treating you a certain way, though, what we don't realize and what you so beautifully in your book is like because you're probably giving that energy that you treat yourself that way, you're not even noticing, you don't speak up or you talk you literally talk down on yourself to a group of people. And so you are devaluing yourself in their eyes.

And the only way that people are going to then all of a sudden, start to treat you as an equal, or what your worth is, especially in romantic relationships, is if you Carry yourself in the way that you want to be treated, and you actually can see yourself, but you can't get there unless you actually do the work. I've done a few episodes talking about how our relationship with our parents and our siblings has so much influence on our behaviors and our life course. I love that these two lines are literally involved in your book you write at.

This is so fuck in part. I love this part. If there is a gap in how our parents raised us, we look to others to fill IT.

And if there is a gift in how our parents raised us, we look to others to give us the same, which I immediately, I mean, there are so many gaps and there are so many, obviously, gifts that my parents gave me. But like just a personal note. I was fortunate, my parents are still very in love, how I ve had been together for thirty.

forty years.

Beauty I D totally. And everyone would always look at IT when I was Young, like you are so lucky and I feel that way. But then I started dating and I was like, I had the crazy standards because I was like, no one is gonna the way that my dad treats my mom like I.

It's a perfect relationship. And so everyone has the way that they look at IT like how I was fucked up from this way or this way. If your parents are divorce, you're fucked up.

If your parents are together, you're fucked up, right? Like, yes, it's all the same. So how can figure this out? The gifts our parents gave us and the gaps that they left impact how we Operate in dating. Yeah, that's such a great .

question and thank you for you. You that's exactly how I wanted IT to hit. I I don't want people to be like, oh yeah, well, I like your parents great so you're lucky.

Like you should be acceptable no, no, no, you don't understand. Like it's really hard for me to find someone to make me feel that way. The first thing is, I want everyone to know what their gaps are in the way.

And I have exercises all of the books to help you do this deeply. But in essence, the way to build a gap or figure out your gap is obvious. It's like, what do you feel you wish you got from your parents that you didn't get? Maybe IT was praise, maybe was encouragement, maybe he was, maybe was present.

And energy. You just wish they were there at your football game, or you just wish that they showed up to your dance rehearsal, whatever IT may have been. What are those gaps that have been left out? I want you to go fill those gaps yourself.

I want you to go do each and every one of those for yourself. If your parents in compliment, compliment yourself if didn't, if your parents didn't show up for what you love, show up for what you love. If your parents didn't turn up at your games or whatever IT was, make sure you're turning up or you have you given up on your passion because your parents didn't show up for you.

And so I won't be able to feel that gap themselves because what that does is that now when you go meet another human, you allow them to just be themselves and give you love in the way that they like to show you, rather than than trying to figure out how to be your dad or your mom. And I think that that's often what happens is that we become a project and we're looking for someone to fix us. And what we do is we become broken, hoping that we're onna find a fixer and exhaust the fix, trying to fix us because we're broken from something that they never did.

If you don't fill in those gaps for yourself, backed what you were saying earlier, you're then gonna enter a relationship and want that person to fill the that for you, and you'll never even know if that's the right person for you. Because of your gaps were filled, you probably would have a very different compatibility rather than you're finding someone that's like filling your need for compliments, filling your need for this will imagine if that was filled, would you even be with that person? What would your relationship be like if they didn't have .

to constantly fill you macand? Then the gift pot is looking at the same things, what you just said, like what the the way your parents loved you or showed you love, that you thought we're beautiful, that you thought we're amazing. And then ask yourself, is that something that I want or is that something my parents had and he was beautiful for them? But maybe I don't want that, like maybe that's not exactly how I want you to be.

And when you figure out the gifts that you received now, what you're going to do is when you meet someone, you're going to realized if they give those gifts, that's amazing, but don't become blind to the other gift that they wanna give you. And I think so often we like, well, they are giving me these three things that I really wanted, and you're missing out on all this amazing stuff that they're giving over here because you don't think that's love. You think love looks like abc.

And if they're giving you xyz, you're like none, no know, but that's not love. This is love. And I think so often we limit how people love us because we put limits on what love looks like to us.

And so i'll give them a practical example of this with me in my wife. So me and my wife have completely different love languages. We have completely different parenting situations.

For my wife, love was shown by presents and time and energy. Her parents took the day off on her birthday. They would take around on long walks that spend lots of quality family time together.

My parent didn't have lots of time. They were working really hard to make sure that we had enough money and had enough food and working hard to take care of me and my sister. So my friends got me gift. They would save up to buy me the one thing I wanted.

So when we, I would just wanted someone who would buy me epic gifts and my wife's like cooking an amazing meal and making all this time and energy and i'm going, well, why didn't I get the gift I wanted and and that's how the gifts and the gaps play through because your love language is just based on the gift and the gaps you had. But what i'm saying is don't don't limit love to your love language. Your partner may be able to express love in a far more beautiful, greater way, and you're missing out on IT.

Speaking of, you know, material items, you talk a lot about the tradition around diamond rings and the culture around engagements just in general. You also mentioned disney princess movies and how we were taught from Young age that your prince will come and your life will be complete. Te, um what is the fallout from this fairy tail fantasy that all of us grew up watching?

Yeah, I have to tell you the story is I think you may may read part of IT, but I think I I want ever want to hear IT because it's it's amazing. So when I was decided to to propose to my wife, I went to my brothers in law and I was like, do that, I think i'm going to propose. And he was the only person in my life at that time who'd already got engaged to marry itselfe, like he is the right person to go to.

And I was like, OK, I want to propose, uh, how much should I spend on a ring? I have no idea, right? I ve never thought about getting an engagement ring for anyone before.

Never been into a store. No idea how much IT cost. And he was like, ah, yeah, you just spent two to three months salary.

He he just threw that number out there. I was like, okay, cool. And then I went and asked another friend who was about to propose and he was like, yeah, yeah, two to three months salary.

So I started to hear two to three months from a lot of my male friends. I didn't make a lot of the time. And also, okay, two to three month salary, okay, cool. And says, like, fine, I want to spend two to three months salary. I proposed, we got marriage, said yes for the rest of IT.

And then years later, when I was researching this, because I was thinking about this, sounds like, how did everyone know that number? Like where did that number come from? Literally in nineteen seventy seven, the bears has a commercial.

You can youtube this. And in that commercial it's this black and White commercial. There's like silly words, a man and a woman. And at the end of IT, in this silla ET, there's a diamond ring that Sparkling and shining that's going on to the finger. And IT literally says, a, what Better way to spend two to three months salary in nineteen and seventy seven.

a full marketing loy.

a full .

marketing ploy? What advice can you give around being happy, what you have, as opposed to focusing on what you don't have?

Happiness actually sits at the intersection of gratitude and growth. And so I would encourage anyone is listening to genuinely be grateful for what you have, but then think about who you wanna become and who you wanna grow into, not the house or the car or the external thing because we both know this and ever knows this. And I I will never be the person who say money doesn't buy happiness or money is not important.

I I just don't like that rhetoric. Um I think it's unhealthy because IT makes people feel like well, a makes people feel bad if they do want that. But IT also feels like IT always comes from people who are already financially stable who say stuff like that. I'd actually say that you need growth in your life constantly, but the goal is to bring out growth.

I appreciate that because I think even just in the world of social media, everything we should talk a lot of, like you viewing things that make you feel less than or you're not adequate enough and and then it's like and then on top of IT, just where you're out in your life.

I think a lot of times, I think the Younger generation is having a hard time finding their own path of growth because there is a lot of people trying to be like, I want to be like that person or I want to be like that person because people are more accessible and sharing more of their life. And although IT can be someone that you look up to and you like, I appreciate how they do that. I think there's been a little too much of people trying, quite literally, emulate exactly what people are doing on the internet.

And I think growth wise, it's your in danger of not allowing yourself to pave your own path and and figure out what's good for you. We all learn from people that came before us, but I do think there is there is some type of like copy cat mentality that is like, but what do you want? Do you you're watching that person on tiktok, but like, do you even like that? No, I know.

IT just looks cool. Then maybe carve your own path. I thought what you wrote in your book was interesting.

And I kind of want you to talk about this because you talk about, there is five people that we fall for, right? The rebel, the chase, the project, the fuck boy and the populate one. Yeah, when I read that, like, this was my x boyfriend. This was my first first like .

I was today.

Can you explain what the abulensis?

yes. Yeah, absolutely. So I had to put this one in there because I think this is the most um misguiding one. This is the one that you don't quite understand.

So the op illan one is the idea that they have one thing that you really like about them, so you may look at, obviously, obviously is they're so attractive. The other one is like, oh, there's so smart, like, I love the way they think or all, there's so educated, they went to a great school. right? You find one thing, rich.

Yeah, rich. right? He drives a nice car, like is famous, whatever that may be. You find one thing, and you start giving someone other qualities because they have that quality.

So I give an example, you say, oh, he's rich, which must mean he's organized, got IT. He'll be an organized partner. Oh, they're good looking.

They are trust worthy, right? I can trust them. We think anything we find attractive about someone, we start to give them softer qualities.

When I all, they must be kind. They went to a good school. They must be nice.

They must come from a good family. And we just start giving people all this ammunition. And we are painting a picture.

And so the opulence completely is an illusion. Because now you're not letting someone earn the right to be those things. You're not letting them become those things or demonstrate those things. You just assuming and I think that that's really unnerving because it's so intoxicating when .

you're we all know .

what attract to one IT is so in that you will push yourself out of these reasoning techniques. And the reason I put these old there was just like, please reflect if this is all you're doing. And i'm not saying you shouldn't go off to someone you attracted to.

I'm just saying check that the other things you think they have, they actually have don't just give IT to them because you assume that they must have these abilities. So I did this little uh, video on instagram recently, which I think made the point and I I A little match and I was like, this is what chemistry feels like and it's amazing. And then I let a candle with that was like this, what connection and compatibility looks like? It's gona burn a lot longer.

This this match is going to run out. And so the idea being that, like, i'm not saying you shouldn't feel chemistry, I want everyone to feel chemistry. But chemistry is just this one specific Spark.

And now your job is to turn that Spark into a burning, flaming candle. But if you don't make that transition, that Sparking enough itself is not gone to create love. It's the idea of how the chemical, what's happening chemically.

And I think we have to look at that. So when you find someone attractive, there's two things happening. You're experiencing attraction, but you are also experiencing stress.

So there's attraction of like, are there hot? The stress is, do they think i'm hot? The attraction is, oh, they're really small.

I really like how they think the stress is. Do they like how I think? And so there's this, when you first meet someone, you're experiencing attraction and stress. And that's what feels like chemistry.

Now the science shows that what happens as you become more comfortable with each other is the stress decreases because you now actually, they make you feel distressed as you feel comfortable with them. But we see that comfort as anti chemistry. We see that comfort that that person now provides is a Spark is gone. But IT isn't that. It's literally a feeling of our bodies.

I think everyone always says, like, the Spark has gone and you even talk about the flame verse, the candle, it's like the Spark isn't gone. Your stress is now down.

You're now not so for kid nervous to walk into a room and wondering, like, is you going to think I look good? And it's like, well, now there you've went with them for a while, you know they find you attractive, you're comfortable yeah and to eventually when you get into the right relationship and there is nothing Better than that comfortable ly, because they are the person and that you trust and that trust is built where the stress comes down and the trust raise, as I think yes. And so some people get a little stress out about that different dynamic, but then you have to look internally of, like, why are you so addicted to the chaos?

And I was for a very long time, like, if I look back my relationships, i'm like, I was so addicted to drama. And like all the guys that I was dating, IT had to be something. But because I was ready to settle down.

yes. And then when I was, I started to look for those qualities of trust and not feeling so on edge, not feeling insecure. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh, that's definitely more of the violin, the person I want to be around.

But IT takes time IT takes time IT takes time.

Um when looking back at past relationships, what types of things should we look to examine to make future relationships easier?

When you're starting, it's Better to look at pace. I think one of the things in a relationship, I would look back on your relationships and look at how fast did they get serious intermet or close. And I would analyze th Epace o f t he r elationship a nd y ou f ind t hat r elationships t hat h ave a s teady, slower build help you make Better decisions.

And so i'm not saying that if you have a slower rise, you're more likely to stay together. I'm just saying that if he doesn't move into fast, if you don't fall in love too fast, you have the ability to make healthy a Better decision sooner before you two attached and you too deep in n. So I would look at pace of relationship and go let me look back at my last few relationships and asked myself that I fall in love too fast.

Maybe they are fall in love to slow. Was I too sceptical, or was I too optimistic? Uh, I would look at, was I letting the person show me who they were.

Or was I painting the picture of who I thought they were? And I think that in and of itself is everything like we are constantly not actually letting people earn their stripes. And this applies to trust.

Like I talk about trust a lot, and and you just brought IT and that's what on my mind, and I created these four levels of trust. We often think of trust is binary, like we think of like I trust you or I don't trust you. And that's how we think about people.

You work in the room, you're trustworthy. You're not trust with the I home with you wouldn't go home with you. You can drop me home.

You can't drop me home. So we think of trust is black and White, but trust isn't it's actually levels. And so the first level of trust is zero trust.

When you meet someone, I don't care how good looking they are, I don't care how smart they are, I don't care where they want to college, how much money they had, don't trust them. They've got to earn that trust from you. And I know that sounds really duck, but it's not it's give them the opportunity to show you where they are trustworthy.

So they may say i'm going to pick up at seven pm. They pick up seven P M. They may say i'm going to text you on sunday.

They texted you on sunday. These like signs of transactional trust. That's the next level.

There's a transactional trust. They say something and they live up to IT. Then the third level of trust is recipe ical trust. Now you're getting deeply words like you do nice things for each other, but you not checking in and you're not having to check every menu detail, but you know, it's gonna reciprocated. And the highest level is unconditional trust, which is like god level trust, which to be onest beyond your parents.

Probably most people are never gonna have IT, but we want that so bad that someone does one nice thing for us like that the best they're amazing. Like i'm done like you know, I love them. They want like they're not like my exit at all and it's like guys, they got one thing right like that's okay.

That's great and i'm not you going to test the person. I'm just saying you don't trust them based on a couple of things. And so I think passing is what I would look at from the last relationship. I would look at how much you let them show you who they were versus you made them who you want to them to be. It's so .

fucking good, jay, because I think you're so right. Everyone can fall the spectrum like either you're someone that trust so fast and it's like we did. Do you even know them now also getting engaged? And do you even know their child to trauma or what they they like? You don't know anything about them.

You've just trusted them to like hold your hearts and go forward and it's like a hold on. And then when one weird things happens and you're going, your friends trying, you like, what did you ask? Yeah and she's like, no. And I think the other side can be people that have a really hard time trusting.

And even as much as someone's showing you, there's clearly something from your past that withholding you from being able to move forward because it's like i've seen relationships i've done in, in the past where they're like I have literally done nothing. Why do you not trust me? And it's because I didn't heal my past relation where someone broke that trust.

And so it's like everyone's going to have a different level. But I think th Epace i s s uch a n i nteresting c oncept b ecause I k now f or m y p ersonal, uh, current relationship. We were in the pandemic IT moved way too fast in the very beginning, and I made a very, very hard conscious decision that I worked on the therapy to slow IT down.

So I I was like, we need to go back and pretend we're not in the pandemic or spending so much time, which is great. But we're moving to we can't move in together yet. We've only been dating for like six fuck and months like hold on.

And so I think you can always alter th Epace. You're never too far gone. There's always times to reilly ant ant, but you have to be a with a partner that willing to also adjust pace wise and not be like what the fucker you're talking about.

Like we live together. We don't need to talk about that now. Well, no, I realized we've never had a conversation about xyz. So pain can also be on your terms and you can dictate IT, but you have to have a partner that willing also to work with you. I love the point you just .

made that I can change at any time. This isn't like, or I mess up in the beginning and move too fast. I said the same, me and my wife, actually, I think the beginning, we move away. If we spend every day together because I didn't have a job, we spent every day together for like six months and then all of the sun, I got a job and now I couldn't see you everyday IT shifted into th Epace c hanged a gain. Yeah and so I I fully agree with you that th Epace c an c hange a t a ny t ime.

And the reason why I talk about pace is just you make Better decisions when you have more time and you have more clarity and you don't feel pressure are all the research shows that when you are clear of mind, you can deal with seven things at once. But when you're stress, that number goes down to three and acute stress IT gets lower and lower and lower. So when you start making really big decisions based on really small pieces of information, you're going to make someone healthy choices.

Another recent study I read that blew my mind was that this really hit me, especially with and someone who really likes to make new friends um and I like building new connections with people, I feel a similar value and this uh science really blue my mind and I said IT takes forty hours of spending time with someone to consider them a casual friend. Forty hours. I was like, wow, I am spent forty hours.

A lot of people, of course, I do think things like interviewing someone, being interviewed by some podger. There are certain things like deep into mate conversations vulnerable. Accelerate this this journey. One hundred thousand counts a good friend and two hundred thousand counts as a great friend. So the question when you do, you have to ask your service, do I want to spend two hundred hours with this person? And have I spent two hundred hours with this person and it's a great metric to like just check because IT gives you something tangible when your feelings are .

like running ahead at like two thousand hours like daddy, don't you dare be telling some guy you love him and you haven't even spent like eighty hours together yeah like let's like the fourth I get IT. I can feel like very exciting, but you don't really know that person yet. So maybe like hold your cards a little closer to the chess. Yes, the next rule that you talk about that I I think is very, very important, is define love before you think IT feel IT, or say IT. So, jay, how do you define love?

I define love romantically as when you like someone's personality, when you respect their values, and when you are committed to helping them achieve their goals. And the reason why I define love that way is liking personality is obvious. And that goes back to do I want to spend two hundred hours with this person, to always spend two thousand hours with this person, and twenty thousand hours with this person respecting someone's values.

I use that word very carefully. Most people feel that relationships where you have the same values, and that you're on this magical search to find someone who believes in the same stuff you believe in, that is so hard and so impossible. And I don't even want to put fairy dust on IT.

I don't think that's onna happen because people are so different. We're wide so differently. Yes, we can have shared values, but we have trump values and priority values.

And saw giving example with me in my wife. My wife values family above everything. Her immediate family that he grew up with that is like her number one priority.

My number one value is my purpose, is my work, is what I do for others, it's my service, is my passion, that's that's what I love above everything else. And when we met, we both talked about this. And we realized that if he had a family event, SHE would choose that over anything.

And if I had a purpose based opportunity, I would choose that over everything. And I don't want to change that. He just want to change that either. But we respect IT.

So when he says to me, and the reason I respect that, alex is kind of comes back to your relationship, my wife's an amazing because of how our parents raised, and my wife's incredible because the relationship he has with parents, why would I want to take that away from? Why would I say, no, you gotta come and support me at my thing. No, you gotta give up your family to come be with me at this thing. Because my thing so important, because i'm doing X, Y, Z, like, there's a some respect that I have, because I know that her love for her family is what makes her so lovable, and he knows that my drive and my ambition and my persistence is what makes me attractive to her. And so why would you want me to give that up?

I feel like, of course, there's gonna some values that you hold very similarly to the person because naturally, if you are in sympathy with, like how you want to live your life, there's gonna things that are overlapping. But I agree that there is going to be an emphasis for each individual on a different value and where IT lies on the scale of importance to you.

And I think it's really interesting because if you are with the right person, I think it's really good to have different values, obviously, that don't completely contradict each other, that you are like you can't stand each other. But having different values, I think, allows you to grow as a human being and in a dynamic of a relationship pushes each of you to learn to compromise and compassion and to learn to respect the other person because you respect your value, so you're going to respect what they like. And so I really think it's it's a really great way you just dissected that because I think sometimes people worry if we don't have exact same values, how are we onna make IT? Well, do you like what they value?

You agree with that .

and then you're good. Yes, IT has to be your number one. It's it's there. Number three, it's year.

A number one, it's okay. What you're trying to do is get someone to value what you value. And that's not possible. They can respect what you value, but they're onna shift their value to value what you value.

Yeah I love what you're talking about because I wanted get into the part of the book where you talk about the three day rule. yeah. And I think this is very applicable to transition in this way because we're talking about finding that person and the values and feeling like you can really connect with that person on multiple levels that allows you to be like that's my person, that's my partner for daddie again, listening that's like i'm in the dating face like jay single to get back up a little, you have this three day role and your theory is.

You have this three day role, and your theory is that by three dates in, you should have had enough time to determine if you and the other person will be a good match.

So these are not the first three dates. The three dates that I recommend you sprinkle across, ten dates, twenty dates, hundred dates. I don't mind where you put them in. I'm not expecting you to make the first three dates and interview, and I don't want you to do that. And I actually think that a dating that dates that start like an interview and like a firing, right?

Like, I really feel like that, like, that's how IT feels because all you did was put your best foot forward and then all of a sudden you feel fired or rejected because you like, no, I was for this role. Like, I came dressed and prepared and, you know, so I don't expect you to make these your first three dates. I expect you to use them in your dating journey.

And there are three cope, you getting know someone that you would like them to sprinkle in these questions.

So your first date questions you think should be asked that are geared around finding out someone's tastes or preferences, what something you love to do? Do you have a favorite place? Is there are a book or movie you've read or seen more than once? What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment? What something you wish you knew more about? What's the best meal you've ever had?

What i'm saying in this is you're getting to know someone's personality. The question you're asking is like, do I find someone interesting? Do I find someone intriguing? Do I do I like them? Do I enjoy who I am around a very personal y level? Observe those you don't .

like having these in your nose?

yes.

Can I ask you .

questions? And do I .

like the one with which .

they Carry themselves? right?

Is so important, even compared to the words like you, to really listen out and go, oh, is this is this person arrogant? Is this person like coming across like my ideas and not interesting? Like do they ask the question back? And by the way, you know, I think a lot, a lot of some of these questions, like men may struggle to answer because they feel quite, you know, they feel quite personal and and they can feel quite like intimidating sometimes, because you can feel like a god, like why.

And so these questions are going to be fun. They they be they're not an interrogation that are an intervention and they're not an interview. It's being inquisitive, right? And I like to make that difference between you never asking a question from an interrogation standpoint or intervention standpoint because everyone, no one, no one likes that.

You also IT from a point of, like, genuine interest, and by the way, have your answers ready because if you have your answers ready, you can say, well, let me go first. Let me tell you mind and now it's a conversation and now it's open and vulnerable and it's not the first thing of, like, well, I wanted know what you have to say and i'm judging you. It's like, no, i've thought about this for myself too.

It's all coming from a place of which I think if someone open, you just want to get to know them and I think that's very fair. So second date questions. At some point while you're dating this person, you're onna feel like you're ready to get underneath a little bit more.

If you won the lottery, what would you spend the money on? I think that's so telling about someone. Are they just going to, which is totally find and they are like i'm retiring and i'm just like never doing anything and totally find.

But like is that someone you'd want to be with exactly what they are going to driven? They're push for IT, and there's nothing wrong with that, right? That's the point. Like I think sometimes we have a hierarchy of like all this kind of person is Better and and it's not people should just happy when I think .

even the way you said IT, I think because uni have kind of agreed like for me, I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have A A purpose. I think a lot of my purpose comes from my creativity. You're similar. So that question to me is like I would keep working if I won the lottery like I don't.

I but there's also then I know a friend of mine that was like, I am getting five dogs moving to a range and living my god in life in ten kids and I D be like, like, and do you and I totally respect that, but again, then maybe the person sitting across from me would be Better for me or my friend. Based off of that answer, you would find out you got got asked this question. And then the third day, this is where you get really a lot deeper, right? At some point you're onna feel like they've opened up to me in some capacity. Um and what types of questions are you thinking should be asked on this third day where you're really trying to get under .

these are the ones where you're trying to do something called like self disclosed vulnerability, where you're really trying to get to a point where you building a sense of trust um and you you building a sense of openness, where you're comfortable having uncomfortable conversations and I think that that isn't are and skills that you have to test in a relationship if you think you're getting serious.

If someone asks me, how do I know that a relationships getting serious, it's when you can have uncomfortable conversations in a comfortable way that to me is a sign that your relation is actually serious. Not that you moved in, not that you get a nice gifts, not that you can spend lots of time together, or you go on vacations together. Can we have a conversation that usually creates conflict and not get mad each other and not make IT about each other? S weaknesses.

There are so many things that people like, this tangible thing will allow me to be closer, moving in with someone. You can move in with someone and realized you barely know that person, but can you have a conversation and you even live together? Can you really go deeper with someone like where they're trusting you with information that they clearly keep close to their chest, that they're like, you know what? I trust you again. Trust stress is going down.

Trust is going up. And I love what you just said about the trust element. Like the way we check whether we trust them is like we trust each other, right? Like we literally ask that question and that makes no sense.

It's it's like we trust each other, right? You trust me, right? I trust you. It's like, no, like trust is me being able to tell you stuff maybe uncomfortable for me?

One of my favor questions that and and you can read more from the book, but one of my favorite questions that not in the book is a question that I often asked my wife and I asked you until this day. And so every couple of months i'll say to, and it's not like it's in my calendar, it's not like it's in a spread. See, I don't record the answers.

This is A A, A it's not a technique is a genuine thing, i'll say to a, is this relationship going in the direction you wanted to go in? And if it's not, what are we willing to do about IT? And if IT is, what are we doing, right, that we should keep doing.

It's just such a healthy question. And it's asked not because I think things are going wrong, right? Like i'm not asking that because i'm scared or i'm worried. I'm asking IT because it's the same as doing this podcast, right? It's the same as doing anything.

There's a famous quote that says you can't improve what you don't measure, right? You can't grow something that you don't measure like you, whether it's a business, whether it's a podcast, whether it's whether it's life. And I just think life is something that is lived so unintentionally and unconsciously that ten years go by, someone comes knocks on the doors and goes, I don't think it's working out anymore. And you're surprised because that person kept inside them every three months how they were feeling.

I was gna say, I think that's such a testament tool, how much you trust your partner to be able to go to your wife and know that you're ready for any answer. But you also kind of know there maybe something little he wants to adjust, but you know you're knocking to be fully blinds I did because you're constantly checking in because consistency exactly. And I also it's like there is a lot of people and I would really encourage daddy gain.

I know it's so uncomfortable sometimes, but like having those hard conversations allows longer gevalia a relationship and IT to grow because if you're not having that conversation, like you said, you're having so many in your head, I hate him for this. I hate her for this. I hate them for this. And then you're like, what are we doing here? So that's really cool that you do that with your wife.

And if anything, i'm going to steal that from you because it's just a really mature way of basically saying i'm giving you the opportunity to say anything to me and i'm willing to hear IT because I care so much about our relationship that my ego is on the floor right now. And like I, I care more about our partnership than whatever you're going to say individually that I could potentially also work on. And I then you also know she's willing to hear from you if you're like, cause I ve been thinking about this.

I mean, I know this is hard, like I want to empathy even like i'm not saying this is easy. I'm not saying that you should do this tomorrow. What I am saying, i'm just trying to save people from wasting ten years of their life with someone that doesn't love them and that they don't for love by like that's where this is coming from. This isn't coming from a place of i'm really smart and I know what to do in a relationship.

It's coming from a place of just I know how hurt people have been by relationships and I know how much pain IT causes when you feel blindsided and when you feel like you have just been surprised and someone just like delivered you a big noise that you had no idea was coming your way, I just don't want you would have to go through that. You know, I just want to save you from the big. I know that I can save you, but I want this advice to give you from the bigger pain.

to see them for the bigger pain. I agree with you, I think they're sometimes people, especially maybe in those early dating stages where they get a little excited, they get a little ahead of themselves. What's your advice for managing expectations in a new relationship?

So I have an interesting take on this. I don't believe so. When people say, how do you make expectations? How do you say expectations? I believe that were the expectation is completely insignificant and useless, and i'll tell you why.

And expectation is a hope, a wish or a want that something might happen just hopefully randomly. Ly, potentially. I don't want to live my life and expectations.

I want to live my life in intentions and actions and attention, like I want to live my life and saying, i'm going to be vulnerable in this relationship. And i'm gna see if the person vulnerable back. I'm not going to expect the person to be vulnerable or open because that doesn't give me anything.

And so I kind of remove expectations from pretty much every year in my life. And I go, how do I change that into intentions, action and attention? So if I want a open, exciting, fun field relationship, i'm gonna bring that energy to the relationship and then see where that person matches.

If they want a lower frequency law, vibration IT will show. You won't have to ask because you can tell immediately, right? Like if you bring your best, it's it's kind of like with an interview with you know when a gas brings their best energy and now if you are probably prepared anyway because you are great interview, but you can bring your best energy to now you amazing. But if you're waiting to see what energy the guest brings and then basing your energy of IT IT kind of starts creating IT could create something that you don't want to create. And I think that happens in a relationship on .

a much bigger scale. What is your advice for people that are in relationship where both of the partners handle stress differently?

That's such a great question. So I mean, one of things i've realized about stress recently is that often times when we break a habit, for example, you want to be strict about what you eat, but chances are you break that habit when you're stressed. You want to to be a nice kind person, but chances are you compromise with that because you're stressed.

I'm snp ier with my wife and i'm stressed and I say things I don't anna say to my wife and i'm stressed. I won't say them to them. I'm not stressed. So you start seeing how stress literally makes you who wanna be.

And so sometimes we're trying to manage our dire or are trying to manage how we talk or like managing our stress is actually the core of what allows us to be a nicer human and healthier a human or a Better person when you handle stress differently. I think the core in a relationship is knowing how the other person handle stress. And I think for so long in relationships, we don't know or we don't like.

So another thing, and he goes back to respecting, we have to respect unless it's abusive, manipulative, physically, verbally like there's none of there's no part of me that says you have to be patient with anything of that sort. But beneath that, if anything, in your life, if you don't understand and accept the way your partner deals with stress is different to yours, that creates issue. So in the book, I break down three fight styles.

And the reason why I came up with the fight style is because me and my wife had always argue and fight and have discussions. And we would never we we would never swear or raise our voices, but we would get into really intense discussions, debates around stuff that didn't even matters on done and stuff that did matter. And I would walk away always thinking like sheddin cares much as me.

I would always feel like SHE didn't love me as much as I loved her, because he had a different way of dealing with stress. So how way of dealing with stress was he wanted to lock herself in a room. SHE wanted to be quiet.

SHE don't wanted talk to me. SHE just wanted space in time, and SHE would figure IT out. And my way of dealing with stresses we're going to talk about right now, we're going to talk about everything.

I've got all the points laid out, the bullet points already, and that shows I care. And whole way of showing SHE cares is give me some time if I get to reflect and digest and introspect. I care.

But I didn't think that I think you don't care and I care because we always think what we do shows we care. And so my fight style, which I broke IT down, is called venting, and her fight style is called hiding. And the third fight style in the book is called exploding.

And so a venture is me, I want to talk about IT. I want to talk about IT right now. A hyder is, I don't want to talk about IT.

I need space. And an explosion is, my emotions matter the most, and I just need to talk about how I feel emotionally. And so none of these are good or bad.

None of these are Better or worse. None of these are things to judge each other for, but when you know that how your partner deals with stress, you can now create a healthier boundaries. So me and my wife will say, or at you two days, I wants to talk about IT right now, we're going to talk about in twelve hours.

Let's find the space where you get enough space. But I don't have to wait for two days because I want to talk about IT now and now i'm dealing with stress healthy are rather than saying I don't like the way you deal with stress, you shouldn't be stressed. You don't deserve to be stressed.

I love that. It's I think everyone in a relationship can immediately, if you're thinking right now about your relationship, you can kind of pin point how you deal with stress. In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, IT was the same dynamic.

I would be like, I need a minute. I'm gonna and my boyfriend. We need to talk about this and he had the same exact response where he was like, I feel like I care more about you in this relationship.

You don't care as much. I am like, just because I don't want to talk immediately, i'm thinking about IT up there. But like, I don't talk about IT right now. And so I think eventually we got to a point where we respected that boundary of I know your need and I know my need, and let's find compromise and IT change the dynamic.

Because what IT also allowed us to do is feel safe in the relationship of like, okay, we now have established, we know we both care yeah, we are just handling IT differently. And when you know that, like even when I was up in the bedroom, just like ruminating on something I still knew, like I know he's and he wants to talk and we're boat, we're gona figure this out. Yes, but you have to first acknowledge the difference in how you handle ship before you can actually then .

actually handle IT. yes. And that's why I say respect because it's like judging someone for putting the milk before they are cereal, right?

And it's like you put your CEO before your milk and you would never be like, I mean, I mean, some people get really passionate about this kind of stuff generally. I would think that you wouldn't. But that is exactly how we do with stress. Is that like it's that example sero first, obviously o yeah but I can no judgment, but that's what I mean .

like we .

get so attached to like how we have learned to process emotions and we think if you don't process emotions like I do, you don't you don't love me. We're not in this together and that's and that's what we just create assumptions out of nothing. Stop pushing the other person away. And i'm like now just realized that that person deals with a lot way you do with way and we figured that out.

I ve ve one more final question. okay? What is the most common mistake people make in love?

I think the biggest mistake people make in love is that they think the peak experience of love is only through romantic love. And I think people devalue the love a mother has for their kids, uh, friends have for each other. People have their brothers and sisters, the love kids have for their parents, like there are so many opportunities in life to give and receive love.

And the biggest mistake we make is we think that this romantic relationship is the only place I get to give and receive love, which means I know single moms who love their kids with all their heart, and their kids love them back, but they don't feel like that's enough because society has said, well, if you don't have in your life that you are not worthy of love. And so we kind of have a hierarchy of love, where's like romantic love s at the top. And when I look at the greatest acts of love in the world, often they're not romantic, often their family, often their friendship, often their people for society like sacrifice.

So I just, I just want people to remember that as much as romantic love is important, don't make the mistake to devalue all the other relationships in your life. Study show that seventy percent of people believe in some mates, which is the definition that there is one person out there for me that is perfect for me, and until I find them, everyone else is not that person. And I think that's a mistake we make in relationships because I think a healthy relationship is where two people say we want to make this work, not a relationship where you're searching for this perfect person, fully formed, ready made, waiting to come out of a box.

And I think that's kind of how we've been trained like the perfect body doll in the call that sits inside a box that shiny, Sparkly, brand new they they are, they wearing the perfect outfit that we want them to, where we can buy clothes to put on them and make them who we are. And it's like that person doesn't exist. But what does exist is this unique, interesting, flawed, fascinating individual that wants to make IT work with you, and you want to make IT work with them.

And that's what makes you more special, because you chose each other. You want meant for each other. If you were just meant for each other, that means there was no choice, that means we just meant to be, but if you chose each other, that's what makes you special and that's what makes them special and that's what makes what you have special. Because every day you're working against all odds to be together.

It's such a good point. The like we said, the word growth and the effort that you're putting in is also why you're in love with that person, the issues you've gone through, the things that you've had to overcome. That's why i'm in love with my partner.

That's why you're with your wife. It's like looking at what we've gone through and how we've gotten to this point. I don't want something that's easy.

I want something that's worth the work and the effort. J shady, everyone, go read your book. This is truly like their exercises. This is not a book that you're just casually reading, like I read this. And IT is really incredible change. What like you are able to do exercises that are very thought provoking and really give you an insight into yourself and what you want for your future. So say, shaddy, IT was an absolute asure.

I like, thank you so much. Your phenomenon, you do. This is so fun you're the sweet is like i'm so honestly this is like i'm so gratefully and such a deep level um for doing this and to open me up to your beautiful community. Thank you so much.