We Win the Podcast Wars
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This season, Instacart has your back-to-school. As in, they've got your back-to-school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back-to-school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid.

So, first call your parents to say, I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee for your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply. Well, well, well. You mother... You think you can come to my house, talk to my boys like that? Send us... You don't know what's...

Oh yeah. Oh, you're not safe. No. You're not safe! No! Oh yes. No, please no! I said please no! I get the citizenship! You are going to get... Please! I'm sorry! I won't call ICE! Pee up! This one. That was not true. It tastes like whiskey and soy sauce! You two are very...

Who are these two idiots? Dude, I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Clap the boat. Clap the boat. Clap the boat. Clap the boat. Clap the boat. Starring Alexandra Ocaccio. Directed by Jose Archnold. Where did you get that?

Where do you get a name like Archinald from? I don't know. Where did you get that from? Where does Archinald even come from, Jules? She just improvised. That's her, you know. I have a lot to talk about today, man. All right, line it up. What do you got? Well, let's, you want to start or are we starting? We started. Clap the boat. Clap the boat. Listen, number one, I have to yell at Jules first. Yeah, please. Okay. Please, please, please. So today I go, we're driving up here. I go, how's school? She goes, it's okay.

I go, okay. What'd you learn? She goes, I didn't go. That's why I was okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was good because I wasn't there. I go, why? She goes, I slept. Yeah, I slept in. Oh, you missed it. And then yesterday she missed. Did, really? Yeah, and they wrote emails to Kalilah and her grandparents.

And they haven't gotten it yet. Yeah, well, because the pigeons, that's a far way to fly. No, her grandmother's in my house right now. Oh. What do you mean? I thought they were in the Philippines. They don't live in the Philippines. No. Kalala's parents' mom. Who lives in the Philippines still? Your parents. Her mom. Oh. Yeah, her mom doesn't give a fuck. If they wrote your mom a letter saying you're skipping school, what would your mom say? She doesn't care. Well, tell me what she would say. She wouldn't say anything. God damn it. You want her to make shit up? That's what the show is.

Yeah. That's the whole show. 57 weeks you've been here, kid. What are you doing? So I don't want to – I don't even know. I was thinking about not bringing this up, but I just can't help myself because it pissed me off. Okay. What's something that Jules did? No, something that Theo and Brendan Schaub did. Wah-ha-pa. Can I tell you what happened? Of course. All right.

So you know my brother Steve, right? 100%. Love Stevie Weeby. Everyone loves Steve. You love my brother? Yeah. Good kid, right? Doesn't have a car. Killer piano player. Doesn't have a car. Lives in a nice little cozy apartment. Yeah. Cool dog. Yeah. Cool bed. Cool bed. I like your brother. Yeah, I love my brother. Yeah. And...

So my brother released an album. He's a musician. Yeah, it's for my pops. Ode to my pops. No, he has a new one. Oh, that just came out? Just came out. Oh, nice. So he wants to, you know, promote it. Right on. So last week, Fighter the Kid, they reach out to him. Not Fighter the Kid, the King and the Sting.

I know. Don't roll your eyes. I didn't. I'm going to say that again. I didn't roll my eyes. Don't roll your eyes. Okay. King of the sting. I know. You can't help it. I get sorry. So my brother decided. It's a pretty big show for him. It's a huge show. To promote his album. That show is huge. So my brother doesn't have a car. So they reached out to him, by the way. Right. He doesn't know them. Right.

Their producer, Nick. Yeah, Nick. Right? You know, Nick. Yeah. Right. Goes, hey, you know, reaching out. So Tuesday. And my brother goes, it's a little early. Can you, can I just come a little later? No, Theo's only in town this amount of time. Yeah. It's got to be 11 or whatever it might be. Right? And my brother goes, oh, you know what? This is a great opportunity for me. I will be there even an hour and a half early.

That's a little absurd, but I get it. Well, he couldn't get a ride. The only ride that he could get... What about Uber? No? He doesn't have that. He doesn't have Uber? No. He also has a thing with money. What is it? What's the thing? My brother has a little thing with money. What's the thing with money? It doesn't have enough of it? No, he used to be like...

If I was like, hey, we're at Starbucks and I don't have my fucking credit card, I'd be like, hey, can I get a, you know, a venti? Can you buy me a venti, you know, a drink, right? Espresso over ice. My brother's like, I'll just get you a grande.

You know what I mean? He's that type of guy. But he's right. You don't need a venti. That's absurd. I know, but it's like, you know, it's always like, you know, if we're at a restaurant, right? And I'm like, you know, I'll have the main course, but my appetizer, my brother will just go to the waiter. No appetizer. He's right. Because I'm paying for it. He's trying to save you in extra calories. No, no. I'm on Stevie's side. It's bullshit. Good job, Stevie B.B. Keep those calories out of Bobby's body. He's that type of guy. Yeah.

But he's changing. He's better about it now. But anyway, so he has a friend, some poor guy, you know what I mean, who has like, you know,

A windowless Honda Civic from 1986 who barely runs, right? How does it not have windows? It just doesn't have any windows. Picks them up, right? You know what I mean? Seven in the morning. My brother hasn't slept, by the way, because he's so excited, by the way. Yeah. Right? So they go to – you know where it is? Encino. It's forever away. Forever away. Yeah. From where my brother is? It's the other side of the world. It could have – it's Colorado. Right. All right? So my brother is excited. On the freeway –

And they're playing hip hop. And they're probably waving their arms like this. Because they just don't care. So they show up early and they go, you know what? Let's not go there directly. Let's go to Jamba Juice to celebrate. I get it. You get it, right? You want juice. Sometimes you got to get yourself a Jamba Juice. Some wheatgrass. So they drink the Jamba Juice. And the buddy goes, hey, man, I got shit to do. So just drop me off there.

And my brother goes, all right. So my brother goes to the building, that white building. Oh, where they shoot. Where they shoot. Right. The guy drives away. Okay. All right. Also, there was some sort of like argument.

I don't know exactly what happened. There was an argument about with the parking attendant and my brother. They almost got in a fistfight. Can I tell you how crazy this is? Him and I got into an argument when I was there last. That guy. When I did Theo's show, that guy yelled at me. That's what I – my brother said he – I didn't like his tone. He was like, you can't park here. I was like, well, I'm here for one of the – someone that's here. He goes, you can't.

Yeah. Well, why? You cannot park here. Okay. Okay. Well, I said, I'll go get somebody. I had to go get Nick. Nick had to come out and go, Nick, you know, he's, oh, hey, hey, he's on the show. You know, and then he. I've never had a problem with that. Anyway. No, I love him. So my brother goes and goes up to the, gets in the building. Yeah. Locked. Door's locked. Yeah. Yeah. Knocks locked. He waits. It's 11. No one's there. Knocks. No one's there. He calls. He calls.

No one's picking up. Nobody. Nobody. Then he's a little worried. Then finally he gets a hold of Nick. And my brother goes, hey, man. Hey, dude. So I came early and, you know, I'm here for the King and Sting. And he goes, who's this? My brother goes, Steve. Steve Lee. And he goes, oh, fuck. I forgot. We forgot. You forgot? We forgot. What did you forget? About him. Completely. Not the episode. Forgot. Wow. Right? Right.

So then... Keep talking. I'm listening. What, are you bummed? No, I'm pissed off. Yeah, yeah. I'm pissed off that they did that. My brother's hurt more than anything because he feels like...

You know, nobody, he's always been, my brother's always been like, and I keep telling him not to compare his life to mine. You know, I'm a comedian. It's different, but it's like, he wants respect. Well, yeah, everybody deserves respect. He wants respect, and he wants to be acknowledged. Yeah. You know what I mean? As a human being. Yes. Right? So my brother just cried. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. It broke him. Hold on. Like furious. Good. Yeah.

Hello. Hey, what's up, dude? Hey, what's going on? Hey, man, you're on the show. We're recording you. I just want to let you know up front and be candid with you, but I got to tell you, bud, it is not going good. The first 15 minutes, Bobby has been just losing his mind. He's been yelling because something about his brother and you guys didn't get him on the show, and he's freaking the fuck out right now. He's mad. What happened? Man, I could not. Can I ask you a question? Hold on. Okay, Bob. All right, go ahead.

Why do you do you disrespect me and my family? Like, are we? No, honestly, like when you look at other comedians, you probably respect them and you respect their time. But when you look at me, am I is it because I'm not funny to you or is it because I don't have the respect in the comedy community or I don't know what the fucking the deal is, bro. That's my brother, bro. I know.

And it's like he doesn't have money. He fucking got his way out there. And he – We are cops. No, no, no. It's not about money. He doesn't want his money, dude. It's about when he knocked on that door and you guys weren't there. My brother fucking cried, bro. It's disrespectful. And it's like I'm just asking you, did I do anything –

personally to you to hurt you in any kind of way because it just seems like a fucking slam on me, my career, who I am as a person. And I fucking have tears right now too, dude. It's disrespectful, bro. So can you explain yourself? There's no explanation except that I fucked up. Theo and Brendan had nothing to do with it. I booked him. We moved to show up because Theo didn't come back from Nashville. I could not feel worse.

This is not said in jest at all. What about a phone call? What about a fucking phone call to my brother going, hey, my bad. Theo's not in town, so we're going to move this date. That's what was supposed to happen. So what is it about my brother that you didn't fucking do that?

Nothing about your brother. We are excited to have him on. I hope we do have him on. Oh, it really seems that's exciting because let me say something right now. If it was fucking Tom Hardy, that wouldn't have fucking happened. I don't know. I'm pretty dumb. Oh, all right. Well, you know, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding, dude. Nick. Nick, we're just fucking around. We're fucking around, man. Everything's fine, man. It's all good. It was an accident. We're fucking around. All right.

I, I, I, Nick, I get it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is what I want, Nick. Nick, this is what I want. All right. I'm going to say this, right? You have to book him again. You got to book him again. Because my brother's trying to fucking promote his album. Yeah. And it's like, it hurt him. It fucked him. He did cry. But my point is, is that he did. But I already talked to Theo and Brendan. I already know it was your fault. Yeah.

This morning they already said it was your fault. Wait a minute. Are you taking the fall? Nick, are you taking the fall? Is it actually one of their faults and you're taking the fall for them? Help us out here. Are you being a good producer? This is your opportunity to be honest. I'm king in this thing until I die. It was all on me. I fucked up.

Oh, he's caught in a trap. He is. He's caught in a trap. He's falling on the sword right now. He's falling on the sword. The whole plan was to have him divide and conquer with you guys. So, of course, I didn't want to fuck it up and not have him on. Oh, man.

Oh, they're trying to wedge in between our relationship. I see. We're going to wine and dine Stevie. Yeah, well, you know what? That's a really good start. Nick, how about this? You got to have him on. You got to promote him. And he's going to have a really weird request. I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you have to adhere to it. Promise me you'll adhere to the request.

I don't think Theo or Brendan are coming on his podcast. That was his one request. No, no, no, no, no. That's no, no, no. When he comes there, I'm saying, well, wait, so you're saying to me, oh, Theo has already done my brother's podcast. He did. Yeah. And it's an incredible episode. Yeah. And then so here's the, here's what I want, Nick. Okay.

This is what I want. Yeah, give him what he wants. And this will show me how you feel about me personally. Yeah. All right? Number one, I need my brother on King and the Sting within the next month. That's number one. If Theo is even here. No, it's got to happen. Number two...

You get him an Uber. Okay, yeah. You pick him up. That seems like a nice... In fact, no, you have to pick him up personally, Nick. You got to pick him up personally. Yeah, you show him that you love him. To show you how long it took him to drive from where he lives to the place and back. All right? So you have to travel those miles. Do him right, Nick. Do them... Just let me finish, right? And you got to get Frankenhead. You have to get Frankenhead on my brother's podcast. Okay.

I'm actually not familiar, but I'll do some digging. Okay. Nick, we love you. We love you, Nick. Thank you, Nick. Thank you for doing it. We will handle all those requests, but not because we're giving to terrorists, because I just feel that bad. Nick? Nick? Nick? Nick? Nick? Skating on some thin ice today. Thin as... It's water. It's water. It's water now. Are your feet wet, Nick? Because you're in some deep shit right now. So let me tell you one more thing, Nick. Can I tell you something? Yeah. Yeah.

All right. I hung up on him. Good. Was that too harsh? Yeah. At first it was really fun. It really like shook me a little bit. I'm not going to lie. Wow. Like, honestly, I'm not going to lie. It was really good. Like,

Like genuinely, were you, how did you feel? I felt sad for him. Yeah. Yeah. Cause she was, I was going to go worse. Well, I know. And I'm glad you didn't. I was going to go worse. He was like, Bobby, I was about, I was about to go like, you know what I mean? You don't know my lawyers. I was going to go lawyers. You know what I mean? How deep I go into show. You can tell he is full on panicked. Yeah. That was fun. Full on panic. That was really fun. Good dude. Nick. Great dude. And, uh,

Really let it slip. I mean, talk about. He really was apologetic, though. He was. He was scared. He was very honest. He was very honest. I loved how scared he was. You know why that is? Why? Because the way that we are with our staff, with Fancy and with newbie Petey Petey Petey, who you haven't made fun of yet. We do need to make fun of Pete. Yeah. A very odd looking man, by the way.

let me say, my disrespect for him, I don't even know who he is. Yeah, I know. So I think that should say a lot. Okay, you know what? When I see him, I go, I don't know who that is. I don't want to introduce myself. But he's a guy that I've seen before here, right? He's been around here for a couple of weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I vaguely. Bobby texted me and said, hey, I'm going to be 10 minutes late. Is Andres already there? I said, yeah, Fancy's here. And he goes, what about Paul? And I said, Pete is here too. Ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah, yeah. I said Paul. How's Paul going to be doing? Pete will be here for sure. Paul can't show up today. Pete, what's your last name? Who cares? He has a present for you guys. Fuck you. What's your present? Pete, what is your last name so we have it? What is your last name, Petey? Forskin? Forskin? Forsman. Oh, what do you got? What is that? What does he got? He's got a gift for us. I brought you guys some smelling salts.

Oh my god. Have you ever tried these? No. What is smelling like small salts? These are bananas. So what does it do? These are like what athletes use before games. They put them under their nose and they... It like shocks your body. Alright, go ahead. Can you die from these? No. No, and then we all die. Have you ever seen it? What do you do? You have to crack them, right? Crack it open. Crack it open. How many are there to crack open? We all get one. I want one. You want one? Yeah, I've seen it. This is when people are like...

passed out and you sniff it and they wake up. Yeah, you use it to wake up. We do it at the same time? No. Why not? One at a time. Okay, so Jules, go ahead. Okay. You crack it like that and then you sniff it. It says crush here. It has a little dot where you put your fingers and snap it in half. Oh, I already ripped it. Is it that bad? Is it that bad?

Really? I think I'll die. If that's what did that. She's a young woman. Wait a minute. What did it smell like? Piss? It smells like piss? It smells like piss. You go for next. I don't really want to do it. You have to do it. What do you do? You break it and put it up? I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Oh my God. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

I can't do it. Woah! What is it? It smells like piss. Really? It smells like hot- I gotta try it, I gotta try it. Like a hot hit of piss right in your mouth. Alright, ready? Cool. You sniffed- you did a good sniff? You can't avoid it. Put it up near your face. Hold on. Go. Oh my god! Woo! Oh my god! That was intense! Smells like fuckin'- Oh my god, I love it! Why is mine red? Mine's red too. Oh!

Oh my God. Now I have the smell in my nose. How do I get the smell out of my nose? I love it. It's ammonia. Oh my God. It's so good. You want another one? Yeah. Okay.

Oh my god, that's so good. You want one, Jules? No. Wait, wait. I want Andres to do it too. Andres, get in here and do one, please. Oh my god, that was so good. They're kind of fun. It's fun. It's like a drug or something. It's cool, man. My eyes are watering. Andres, I want you to come do one. That was intense, dude. Alright, hold on. You sit in my chair. Sit in my chair and do it. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, that was good. Do it while we sing happy birthday to you. Ready? Yeah, yeah. Okay. One, two, three. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, baby. Happy birthday to you. Oh, my God. Here you go.

No, no, no. Don't do it. It's all over his outfit. It's a fancy cake for Fancy B. Happy birthday, Fancy B. Oh, if you still keep smelling it, it's still in it. Is it? Yeah. Is that a crack of new one? Double down. No, no, no. I'm not going to double. This is good, right? Smell it. You like it. I kind of like it. It's ammonia. It smells like it's ammonia. Oh, my God. That's so good. Happy birthday, Fancy. Happy birthday, Fancy. Fancy, how old are you, baby? Do you guys want our gas? Oh, yeah. The jewels first.

36. That's a pretty good guess. That's a pretty good guess. That's a pretty good guess because I was going to go... I'm going to say 35. 38. 41. Wow. Fancy is old. Yeah. Yeah. You look good for 41, Fancy. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't look like George. You don't what? Look like George. George is haggard. Yeah. By the way, George, when he has a baby, I guarantee you he's going to look so much worse when he comes in here. Oh, he's going to look like, yeah. He already doesn't sleep. He already has anxiety. He already threw the roof with like- He's going to look like Mitch McConnell. Ooh.

What if he gets really fat? I would love it if George got fat. Yeah. You know what I mean? If he plumped up. I do want to address... I know this is a comedy podcast, but I do have to address the Atlanta shootings. I mean, because you had an uptick of Asian Americans being assaulted in the American streets, right? Was it 500% uptick? I don't know. I have no idea. And then...

And old men are being shoved to the ground. I think a couple of people died. And then now you have this mass shooting. But get this. They're saying that it wasn't a hate crime. Do you know why? Do you know why he killed them? I literally know almost nothing about it because it just happened. This is what he said. He goes, I'm mad because I have a sexual addiction.

So it's a sex crime. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't get it. It's not a hate crime because he has a sex addiction, but he killed one kind of people. No, because he goes to brothels all the time. He went to massage parlors. Okay, time out. I love this. What are you mad at me for? No, no, no. I didn't do anything. No, I'm saying the justification of something made me feel good because somebody told me about it today. I wasn't on my phone almost all day today doing anything. Yeah, yeah.

And somebody told me about it. And I said, wait, seriously? And they were like, yeah, some crazy fucking dude, I guess, shot up a bunch of spas and massage parlors. Yeah. Or was it one or a few? Three. Three, right. And he said, shot up a few. And I was like, whoa. And then I immediately said-

Is it like those kind of massage parlors? And the person that told me was like, why the fuck would you say that? I was like, no, I mean, you know what I mean. Those kind of seedy massage parlors that have sexual things. So my instinct wasn't far off. That's why he would go to these places and get sexual favors. And then he...

He was angry about his addiction, so he took it. So I was right. Right. It was sexual driven. Right. I knew it. There's so many different things you do, I think. I don't know. I might be wrong. And not all those massage parlors give out sexual favors. Not only that, but they're known for that. A lot of CB ones. And in my mind, I'm not a sociologist or a psychologist, but I would think- Or a psychiatrist. Or a psychiatrist. Or there'd be a couple of things you would do before murder, like maybe-

Jerk off. Yeah, jerk off. Yeah, jerk off. Jerk off. Jerk off. Right? Read a book. There's so many different things. Well, that guy's not going to read a book. Okay, fuck the book, right? What was that? What was that? I just coughed. Why? Because my throat was kind of itchy. In the middle of this real serious thing. It's so crazy. We're doing this. We're trying to have a moment and be respectful. It's insane. It's like... And also, it just brings back like...

How hard it was for me, you know, I don't, I try not to think about it because I have, my life is so good right now, but it's like, you know, it was hard for me as a kid. You know what I mean? When kids threw ice, when I was in Minnesota, they used to throw ice at my head and go, get him, Eskimo.

Right? And I remember running, you know what I mean? And they're throwing like shards of ice at my face. I remember. And then we go. I remember Catch the Eskimo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or like, you know. What an insane. They would do that? Yeah. Yeah. That's bonkers. Or one kid. One kid. Right? I was at the bus stop. Yeah. I was living in Minnesota. Did you ever yell back? I'm Korean. No. You don't. No. Because I thought maybe I was. Yeah.

You know what I mean? If they're accusing me of it, I'm a kid. I don't even know what an Eskimo is. Yeah, I guess. Right? So I'm going, I don't know what it is, but I don't want shards of glass on my face. I remember one time, like, I was at the bus stop and a kid put bird food on my head. Why? I'll tell you why. At first, I was like giggling because I thought, this guy never really pays attention to me. Right? And all of a sudden,

And black crows started pulling my hair and my backpack, right? No, I'm not kidding you. Was this a Pixar movie? And then we flew away up into the sky. I didn't fly away, but I remember doing this. And then I remember...

That night, my dad took my backpack because I was explaining him that I put bird flu on my head. And I swear to God, this is what my dad goes, then you have to do this. Then he goes, you have to do this. And he took the backpack and he started swinging it around like this. And then it broke our fucking chandelier. I remember him doing that. He teach you how to fight birds? Yeah, he goes, you let them do that, but then you have to take the backpack and the bird and you have to do this. Not fight the kids. Fight the birds. Fight the birds, right? But I remember...

And all that crazy shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. And as a kid, you – You dealt with a lot of shit. You go through every moment. You deal with it. And for me, it's like I didn't deal with it in a violent way. I didn't get angry. I didn't – the guy that shut up Virginia Tech. I just kind of went, I'm going to use humor.

as a defense mechanism. Totally. But some people are crazy. Here's the problem, though. You're talking rational about an irrational person. This guy killed people for no other reason than he's a nutbag. It's not because... Look, a part of it may be a racial problem, right? Obviously. But the other part of it is he's sick. He's mentally sick. He's unwell. Something's wrong with him. He targeted Asian people, right? Yes, it's a hate crime. On top of that, the machine's broken. It's fucked up. Something's really wrong. I mean, the only... What... Honestly. Yeah. Yeah.

What would drive you to murder? Like, for instance... If somebody murdered anybody I love. All right, so... If you hurt someone I love, if you murdered my parents, my sister, if you did anything to my family... I would forgive.

I would stop at nothing to kill you. And I would walk around town with your head like this. Yeah. I just like... Anybody who hurts my family, I would do that in a heartbeat. Like in medieval times, your house would have like spikes with heads on it. 100% in the front yard. If you try to attack my family in medieval times, like you killed my brother, I'm going to kill your entire family and anybody you know. And I'm putting your... Yeah. You asked. No, what I'm saying to you is this, all right? Let's suppose...

In medieval times. Here I am. Right. You're in a kingdom or whatever. Yeah. I'm in Ireland. Right. And I'm in China. I guess. I don't know. Where? I don't know. Let's say I lived in Ireland too. Yeah. Make you an Irish guy too. I'm Irish. Oh my God. And my brother Steve who's just you know. Ah. Stevie Weeby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My brother Steve kills your brother. Okay. And I'm like when I find out about it I go like I'm bummed about it. Right. Right. But then all of a sudden you would kill me and my whole family. Correct. Correct.

Guilty by association. How's that fucking? Guilty by association. That's not right though. Think about that. Remember in high school, we had the athletic code. The athletic rule of code was if I was at a party and I wasn't drinking, even if I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, if it got busted, I got suspended from basketball because I was there. I say I'm sorry as I'm driving a spear through your head. Right. I'm sorry, Bob. But you know what really tears me up? Because I watch a lot of court stuff on the craziest court cases, right? And the ones that always get me, and this sounds so cheesy-

is when a serial killer kills a man's daughters, right? Two daughters. And the man does his, what do you call it? His deposition. But he does a testimony at the end. Sure. He gets a chance to talk. And he looks at the killer and he goes, I just want to say I forgive you and I love you, man. And you're my brother. What? Yeah, when they...

Never. No, I'm just saying. Never? You killed my kids? No, no, no. Stop. I'm not saying you're in the fucking video. I'm just saying. I am now. When I see the videos and when they forgive, it makes me really emotional. Pass. No thanks. Well, then you're not involved, dude. No, no. I'm about to say you. There's so much hate there, dude. Are you kidding me? And anger. You kill my family? Of course I'm going to do everything in my power to kill you. I'm not saying that I would fucking forgive them either. I'm just saying.

You said you wanted to forgive. When I watch the YouTube videos, when they go look at the guy and they go, I forgive you, man. Insane. I always cry. That's all I'm saying. That's insane, people. What would you do, Jules? Same as you. Yeah, thank you. See? My girl. Torture first. Torture first. She is the fucking best. With what, knives? Yeah, like peel them off and then cut their balls and dicks.

Yeah. You'd peel their balls and dicks? And then their nails. Oh, take their nails off. That's dope. That's dope. And teeth. And teeth. And teeth. And teeth. You've got to take the teeth. Yeah, one by one, though. One by one. And then the eyes. And the eyes, yeah. How do you scoop out the eyes? My hands. Oh, hands. You have to use hands. You don't use a utensil when you... Not a spoon. Yeah. What else? Maybe their ears. Oh, yes. Slowly sever their ears off. Leave the ears. Leave the ears. Cut off the ear and go, you hear me now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I knew you'd be on my team. If somebody hurt someone in your family, you would stop at nothing to get them, right? That's right. How can you forgive that? Because my brother is a snapper head too. You know what I mean? My brother's a snapper head. And my brother, like I was, whenever, like when I found out about the women that were murdered today or yesterday-

If that was my mother. Come on. My brother. I wouldn't even I would be so scared. You would call the cops and go, you have to get him. Yeah, I would be so scared. My brother would go into a red zone and I don't know what he would do. See, that's what I'm saying. You have you need people like you and you need people like us.

You need to exist. You think I'm a pansy then? It's not a pansy. Am I weak? Don't do that. No. No, I want to know. You view things differently. You're more balanced. What's a Colombian necktie? I don't know. Andres has got to know. He laughed about it. You know what a Colombian necktie is? No. I think it's this. Is it a torture device? No. A Colombian necktie is cutting. It's a form of postmodern mutilation in which a victim's tongue is pulled through a deep,

Oh, my God. Through their neck. So it looks like a... It's pulled through a deep cut beneath the jaw and the dangling neck. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a Colombian necktie. It appeared in Colombia during the period known as La Valencia. La Valencia, which is a city here in Southern California. La Valencia. As a method of psychological warfare and designed to scare and intimidate. So they pull your tongue through your throat. Neck, throw your throat. Whoa, that's fucking wild. Pretty cool. You know what I would do? I would make up one called...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And they would know it was me. They would. It was Bob. Oh my God, that was Bob. That's Bobby the tailgiver. Yeah, the tailgiver. Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking about, I'm thinking about like what would be a good thing to keep out of the human body if I like was proud of it and I wanted to show off. I think she said the eye is very, that's very, that's dry. Yeah, but how do you, well, a dried eyeball would disintegrate. You don't got a mason jar? You throw it in a mason jar. Oh, you just have jars of like a fucking witch around your fucking heart? I have mason jars at my home. You don't have a mason jar? They're not full of fucking human eyeballs.

That's where one would go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you could go get embalming fluid. You can legally get embalming fluid. Yeah. And you would just put it in there and preserve it. Maybe like shrunken head. Does that take a long time? I mean months, I guess. How long does that take? I always love shrunken heads. Because you have the whole thing. Yeah, it's right there. But it's smaller. How long does it take to shrink a head? The shrinking process doesn't take long at all.

The ritual side of things, on the other hand, would usually total about six days. For the heads to shrink, they would be boiled for only about two hours. Boiling for too long would leave it ended up gooey and destroyed. Yeah. Go to an image of a shrunken head. Imagine you got to set a timer for the head to boil. Wow. Let's see. Yeah. Like I would do that. That's like a real head. Yes, it is. Unfortunately. Yeah, it certainly is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With shrunken head. Don't you think we do that? Yeah. That's right. Because if you had like, I mean, a tooth.

right you could get that in any way right people would be like that's not him but if i have the whole fucking head undeniable it's like i did that yeah there's no way you can look it's charlie right because he has like a mole right that is such a gross photo that's insane let me see the other ones oh my god oh my keep going down keep going down keep going down oh like that one that one to the right to the right that no left that one that's incredible that's not is that a shrunken head it says it right there oh my god

Oh, they drew on it. Right, right, right. Oh, you can draw on it. It's like arts and crafts. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. It's like the pottery thing where you color me mine. That looks cool, man. That's gross. Let's get out of here. This is grossing me out so much. Crack open a new one, kid. Yeah, this one lost its edge. That's a new one. Crack open a new one, please. It kind of stings a little bit. That one was wild.

It wakes you up. You know, have you been catching up with The Voice or American Idol? I watched Last Chance U last night instead. What's that? Oh, my God. So good. It's about community college. The original one was about community college football players who get pushed out of big D1 schools because of their behavior or their academics. And this is kind of like their last chance at getting back to a big university. And they do one here in East L.A., East L.A. Community College.

And these stories will break your soul. Next week is Hollywood Week on American Idol. Because all the auditions just ended. And next week, Hollywood Week starts. So I'm excited about that. Why don't we audition for American Idol? Because I can't sing, you fucker. Yeah, we can. No, we can't. Yeah, we can. Not at that level. Try. Try. I've got to get lyrics. I don't even know lyrics to that. Ready? We should make Jules sing again. We miss when she sings. It's my favorite. Jules, bring up a song. There she goes. Sitting in the morning sun.

I'll be sitting when the evening comes. Nice. Watching the ships roll in. Is that how it goes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I'm watching them roll away again. Yeah.

I'm sitting on the dock of the bay watching the tide roll away. I'm just sitting on the dock of the bay wasting time. That's really good. Are you singing one? That was really good. Okay. It was.

You ready for mine? Yeah, go ahead. Be as cool, real, like you're really auditioning. Okay. So let me, let me, because I watch the shows all the time. Let's see if you're the judge. Okay.

Hi, what's your name? Hey, I'm Andrew. Hi, Andrew. Where are you from? 37. Tell me about yourself, man. How long have you been singing? I'd love to be. I'm glad I'm here. I know, but how long have you been singing? I'm nervous in front of you, Lionel Richer. This is my first time in some kind of situation. Oh, all right, buddy. Just relax. Calm down. We've all been in this place. You haven't. You've been so good since you were born. That's funny, pal. So what are you going to be singing for us today? Today I'm going to be singing, unfortunately,

Today I'm going to be singing, it's not an original song, sir, but it is my favorite song and inspired me to become a singer myself. Okay, well, let's hear it. Okay. I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never going to keep me down. I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never going to keep me down. I get knocked down. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Thank you.

Thank you. Can I just do the... No, thank you. He drinks a whiskey drink. He drinks a vodka drink. Security. He drinks a lager drink. Security. He drinks a side of drinks. He sings the songs that remind him of the good times. He sings the songs that remind him of the best times. Andy, Andy, Andy. Oh, Danny boy. Andy, Andy, Andy.

Can we do it again? I'm being real. Yeah. And try to really sing a song as if you're really going to try to. What's wrong with Tub Thumping? No, no, no. Chumbawamba was one of the best bands there ever was. I want you to sing a Whitney Houston song or something that I really want you to try your best to get through. A Whitney song? Honestly, imagine this, right? Okay. Imagine they said, you know, you have to try your best or your whole family is going to get sick. Are you serious? Yeah.

Okay, here we go. Alright, so I'm going to do the introduction again. No, at the interview first. Okay, I just did the theme music. Oh, my bad. Jesus. Hey, welcome. What's your name? Hey, Andrew. How long have you been singing, pal? Since I can... Six years. Okay. What are you going to be singing for us? Today, one of my favorite songs of all time. One of my favorite movies. Okay, go ahead, please. Thank you. Go ahead. Don't... I'm not. Your parents are going to get sick. Okay. Sorry about that.

Tell me something, boy. Aren't you tired of... I messed it up. Tell me... What? Go ahead. Tell me something, boy. Aren't you tired of trying to fill that void? Do you need more? Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?

Hey, man, I'm not going to fucking laugh when you do it. Yeah, you're next now. Yeah, you're... No, and I'm done. Now it's your turn. Go ahead. All right. Go ahead. All right, so next contestant, come on in. I was really going for it a little bit on that one. What's your name? Hi, I'm Jules. Hi, Jules. Where are you from? This will be good. I'm from Cebu. Oh, okay.

Where's that? Where is Cebu? Where's that? Philippines. The Philippines. Wow. Are you a refugee? Yes. Oh, my God. Why did you come over here? They love heartfelt stories. Yeah. Why did you come to the United States? Because I want to be a singer. Oh, wow. That's great. How were you able to come over here financially? Are your parents financially stable? No. I just walked through here. You walked the water. You walked from the Philippines all the way here? Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. I get it. I get it. Through the Bering Strait? You walked all the way up to the Bering Strait? Yeah, yeah. Did you see any Eskimos? Yeah. You did? All right, so what are you going to be singing for us today? I will be singing My Heart Will Go On. Dion, what a song. Wow, what a song. It's a big song. All right, good luck to you. It's a really tough song. Go ahead. Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you.

That is how I know you. Go on. Across the distance and spaces between us that you have come to go on. Come on. This is the big part. This is the only part that matters. This is how you're going to get in. You want a ticket to Hollywood or not, kid? Okay, go. Ready? Wherever

I believe that the heart does go on. Wait, what is that song called? My heart will go on. I want to see if I can reach it. Titanic. I want to see if I can reach that chorus. To near far? Yeah, yeah, ready? Near far. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to try here. Wherever you are. You got to pull the mic away if you're going to do that. Ready? Here we go. Near far. Wherever.

you are I believe that the heart does go on once more you are

Open the door and you're it. Something like that. That's really good. I thought it was okay. No, honestly. I thought it was okay. I thought it was really good. You want to try it? I can't do that any justice. That's genuinely... Shut the fuck up. You know what's so funny what happened? We were driving here. I get a honk from behind me. Right? And I look in the rear view mirror and I go, what the fuck is going on? And she was like, just keep driving.

And I pull over. Yeah. Right? And she goes, what are you doing, Tito Puppy? Rolled down. Guess who it was? Who? Oh, sorry. He just sent me a message. Who is that? Dean Del Rey. Really? Yeah. Oh, dude. He was right behind me. Oh, he was? Yeah. And he goes, you talk shit about me on your fucking podcast. That's good. He listens. Yeah. Wait, what did you say about him on the podcast? I don't remember. Can I read you something? I was just looking up funny lyrics of songs to sing. Mm-hmm. Remember the band 311? Mm-hmm.

Listen to these lyrics. I'm not singing this. That's important. I love portos. Have some. Really? Yeah, it's his birthday. Yeah, but I also want some. Yeah, I was going to give you some. Wow. You want me to give you a slice? Andres, what's your favorite song? Ritmo. What is it? Ritmo. That's good that that broke. How do you spell that? R-I-T-M-O. Ritmo. By who? Black Eyed Peas. By Black Eyed Peas.

Oh, let's hear the lyrics for this song that he likes so much. Oh, it's in Spanish. Spanglish. It's in Spanglish. Baby, baby. Tonight's like fuego. We about to spend the dinero. We party to the extreme, oh baby. Toda la noche rompemos. A lo todio volmero. Tu sabas como lo hasamo.

Baby, tonight's the night like fuego. I wanted to sing it for his birthday. Is it really good? Give me a fork or something. It's a custard or something. Well, should we let him have some because it's his birthday? Do you get any, Andres, because it's your birthday? Sure. My God, it's good. Come in here and get some for your birthday, man. Peter, Andres, can you give me a fork? Yeah, of course. Well, there's a spoon. There's spoons over there. Who brought spoons from their house? Did you do that, Andres? It's a custard. It's beautiful. You have to cut this yourself because Bobby broke the fucking... Bobby broke the...

You know what's so sad about this show? He bought his own cake. This is called Tres Leches. This is Tres Leches cake? Yep. Is it really? Yep. This is really good. How do you make Tres Leches cake? Do you know? All right, so what is this? So we have a game for Rudy. Yeah.

to see if she can complete some of America's most famous lines, TV and... Oh, this is so good. This is great. This is so good. Okay, so Rudy's got to complete... Even if you don't know it, you have to fill in the blank. Yes. All right, so here we go. All right, Rudy, I'm going to read the first one to you, and then you're going to fill in the blank. Ready? Okay. Magic mirror on the wall, who is the...

Fairest. Fairest, one of all. That's right. Wow. Bing, bing, bing. Yeah. All right. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Wow. I'm going to do that next one. Okay, go. I'm going to make him a... Say it again. I'm going to make him a... He can't refuse. So I'm going to make him a... Spider. I'm going to make him a spider he can't refuse. That's exactly what it is. How did you know that? You seen that movie?

It's his second Spider-Man movie. Was it second or third? It was the third Spider-Man movie. Third Spider-Man. That's right. So in the third Spider-Man movie, he looks at – was it Sandman? I think it was the Sandman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he said, I'm going to make him a spider. Oh, the Sandman goes, I'm going to make him a spider. He can't refuse. That's true. Yeah. All right. So go ahead, Bob. Read the next one. May the be with you. What? What?

May the odds be with you. And that was in? That was in Casino. The movie Casino. May the odds be with you. Yeah, it was a man dressed in black. Yeah, and he just walked up. He walked up. Walked up to De Niro smoking, and he goes, may the odds be with you. That was amazing. Go ahead. You do the next one. Mama always said life is like a box of? Chocolate. Exactly. Let's not do the accents because we don't want to give anything away. Yeah, yeah. All right, just read it as Bobby. Yeah. Go ahead. Houston, we have a?

Houston, we have a... Go ahead. Houston, we have a... Baby. That's exactly what it is. And what movie is that from? What movie was that from? Three Men and a Baby. Three Men and a Baby. Because Houston, right? That was the mother's maiden name. And she was having a baby, right? And the father says, Houston, because the mother's laying there, we're having a baby. We're having a baby. She was drunk and he was saying how inappropriate it was. Go ahead, Bob.

Bond James Bond yeah very good say hello to my little sister say hello to my little sister exactly what that is and that movie was was Hello Sister Hello Sister was a great movie great film Cate Blanchett was in it and Robert Downey Jr. Robert Downey Jr. right yeah it was great say hello to my little sister yeah so go ahead I love George Clooney he's an old fashioned movie star he he suck my yeah this is good

He sucks. He suck my ice cream. Yes. That's pretty close, actually. I think it was actually gelato. But yes, I love George Clooney. He's an old-fashioned movie star. He sucks. He suck my gelato. Yep. Perfect. Just having a little cock-a-doodle.

Dude. Pretty close. Pretty close. Andres, what's that one from? Oh, and you know the previous one? The previous one was from The Dictator. That's my line. Yeah, that's your line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what the next one's from? It's from probably a movie you did. It's from when I did I'm Dying Up Here. I'm Dying Up Here, yeah. I was smoking weed, and I said, just having a little cock-a-doodle-doobie, and I was smoking weed in the morning. Ah, I see. Guess who made up that line? Who? Me. Very good. I'm the blank of the world. I'm the...

The irony is staggering because we just did this. It's insane. We literally just talked about this movie. I'm the blank of the world. I'm the best. I'm the best of the world. The best of the world. Bobby, you got to take this one for obvious reasons. Wax on, wax off. Pretty on the nose. Pretty easy. What movie would that be from?

Wax on, wax off. Do you know? Bees. The bees. Because they obviously wax on. There's wax. And then you take it off from them. Right. E.T. Blank home. I don't know this. E.T.,

You know, to be fair, this is really tough. It's not. No, no, no. I mean, for her to just guess, it's alien slang. Yeah, E.T. Because, first of all, it's improper English. It's also a difficult word to say. Right. Because it's technical. Yeah, it's technological. And science-y. Yeah, science-y. Go ahead. E.T. Very science-y, Bob. E.T. I mean, really, at this point. Just throw it out there. Well, you said ice cream once and spider once. E.T. what? E.T. what? Galaxy.

E.T. Galaxy Home. Have you never seen the movie E.T.? No. E.T. Galaxy Home. Galaxy Home. That is what he said, right? Well, his galaxy... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's exactly where he lives. He lives in the galaxy. This one's fun. Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in blank anymore. Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in... I've got a feeling we're not in here. Very good. That's very honest. Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in here anymore.

This one's great, Bobby. Set her up for this one. Go ahead. Make my... What a good movie. Yeah, I'm going to love it. Go ahead. Make my... Milkshake. Yes! How did you know that? That's actually really good. That's Milkshake. How did you know that? You saw the movie? That's odd that she wouldn't know that. How would you know that than not see the movie? I don't know. I was just thinking of ice cream and then Milkshake. What movie do you think it is?

I don't know. You don't know what movie this is? This is Clap the Boat. This is Clap the Boat. Go ahead. Go ahead. Make my milkshake. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Yeah, well, you know she's a crazy person. She knows that one for sure. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our... You can read this with an accent. She still won't get it. Yeah, yeah. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our...

They may take our lives, but they'll never take our... Souls? Souls! Yeah. They can take our lives, they'll never take our souls. I like this game. That's so good, though. They'll never take our souls. Okay, let's tell her what it really was. Well, the last one was... Yeah, we can go through it. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our... Freed?

Freedom. That was Braveheart. Yes, that Braveheart. You got that? Go ahead, make my day. That's Dirty Harry. Dirty Harry. Do you know who Clint Eastwood is? Yeah. Oh, cool. It's E.T. Phone Home. Yeah, phone. Right? Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. Do you know where Kansas is? Do you know what it is? Yeah, exactly. You know what movie that was? Wizard of Oz. You've never seen that? Oh, my God. God, it's so wild. I'm the...

King of the World? Yeah, you just did Titanic. You know you love that movie. Wax on, Wax off is from Karate Kid. Those two phrases are from me and Bob. Say hello to my little friend is Scarface. Do you know what that is? Yeah, kind of. It's kind of a cautionary tale. Bond. James, what did you say? She got it right. Houston, we have what?

Yeah. No, she said, Houston, we have a... Baby. Oh, yeah, Houston, we have a baby. And it's Houston, we have a problem. Yeah. What movie? That's... Apollo 13. Apollo 13, right. Apollo 13, yeah. May the force be with you. Right. From Star Wars. What did she say? May the...

What was it? May the odds be with you. I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. An offer that's from The Godfather. Have you seen that? No way. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn what you got correct. Do you know what movie that is? No. How do you know that it's damn? I just thought of it. Do you know who says it? No. Do you know, Bob?

Is it... Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. I don't know. What movie is it? I don't know what movie it is. Gone with the Wind. Clark Gable. Clark Gable. I never saw that. You never saw Gone with the Wind? No. Okay. Okay. But like, you love old cinema. That one I didn't watch.

I don't like No I just love that you go That one I didn't watch I'll tell you why I don't like Historical pieces With just a bunch of White people in it You don't like Slave era films Like a movie like Emma comes along Or something like When it has to do with Aristocrats or white Slavery and shit Yeah I just don't like it What about Tarantino He does shit like that All the time I like that Slave movies Yeah I like that Okay

Magic Mirror on the Wall, who is that? And you got that right. You got that right. Wait, did you? She did. What did you say? Fairest. Who is the fairest Bueller of them all? Yeah. That's pretty good, though. That's really good for American movie slangs. Yeah. I have to say, you have to watch E.T. Yeah, let's make you a list of stuff you really need to watch. Yeah, you've got to watch E.T. E.T. for sure. On this list, let's go down the list of things you have to watch.

Gone with the Wind, I don't get it. No, no, no. That she would like. The Godfather. You would love The Godfather. You would love Star Wars. You've never seen any Star Wars. I think I've seen the first one. Okay. Oh, my God. You would know if you had or not. I don't think she'll like James Bond. I think Scarface would be too much for you. No, no, no. The Dictators, no. No, no, no for us. Titanic you've seen. I think Karate Kid you'd love.

Yeah. Karate Kid's such a good movie. E.T., you've never seen. Why wouldn't you watch that movie? That's cute. That's a cute movie with kids and an alien. His name is E.T.? Extraterrestrial. Oh, but he looks kind of... He does. Yeah. Let's bring him a picture of this long-necked weirdo. Let's bring him a picture of E.T. right now. Because honestly, I couldn't agree with her more. I remember as a kid being like, I would never put this thing in my house.

Let me tell you something. If this thing, that in my house, why am I hiding that in my house? Yeah. And what was he made out of? A ball skin? Like ball sack skin? He was such an ugly. No purpose was this cute. They tried to say it was like cute. It was not a cute creature. Go to a full body shot of it, please. There's a full body shot there. Not cute. Look at that. That's a testicle. Yeah. That's a big sack.

Would you hide that in your house? If he came to your house, Rudy, if this crashed in your front yard and you and your friends were when you were like, how old were they? 10 or 11 or 12 in that? Would you ever harbor this in your home? You'd probably kill it. Can I say something about it? You'd probably get one of those knives out and kill it. But the tone of the movie, I remember watching the movie as a kid. Yeah.

And walking out of the theater going, oh, that was the greatest thing I've ever seen. It was unequivocally one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. Oh, my God. It was so magical. I remember walking out with my brother of the theater and just going, wow, that was magical. I remember feeling that about a handful of movies where you're like, oh, so cool. It blew your mind. Ghostbusters, I thought, was one of the coolest movies. Yeah, that was another really cool one. They were like, this is amazing. The technology back then was absurd. It's absurd. And this today, when you look at the CGI in this and all that stuff, it looks awful.

Really? It's so bad. It's terrible. We should try to watch E.T., I think, at home. She might like it. Star Wars, you have to watch. Well, yeah, you really should for cultural reference. Let me ask you something. In Star Wars, just name me three characters in Star Wars. You got this. You got this. Darth. Darth or Dark? You tell us. You tell us. We've never seen it. Darth Vader? Very good. Okay, good. Darth Vader. Second one? Luke. Yeah? Luke.

What's his last name? Okay. Right. That's, you know. It's forgettable. I just know it's Luke. I am your father. That's his name. How do you know that? Luke, I am your father. That's a movie you saw? No, she's heard that in the social zeitgeist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody's saying that, Luke, I am your father. Yeah. So Luke what? Let's guess his last name, just for fun. Luke. Think about space stuff, spacey things. Luke. Ob. Luke Ob. No. Wait, Luke Ob. Obragon.

Yeah, Luke Obregon. Luke Obregon. That's great. Very good. Third one? One more character. Luke Obregon? He was good. Luke Obregon was good. Yeah. She does come up with great last names. Amazing names. Yeah. Amazing. Archnall? Jose Archnall? Yeah. He's amazing. I want to see that movie. She should have a book of baby names. Go ahead. Name one more character.

Come on. Slinky? Slinky. Yes, no, no, no, Slinky was in there. Slinky was in there. Slinky. Slinky was in there. Everyone loves a Slinky. Slinky. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, Slinky was in there. Yeah. Let me ask you something. Have you ever heard of, like, C-3PO? No. R2-D2? You never heard of that? Hmm. Have you ever heard of Boba Fett? Okay, Luke's last name is Skywalker. Oh.

You've heard of that? Yeah. Okay. Princess Leia, Han Solo, any of these kind of ring a bell? Yeah. Okay. All right. That was a great podcast. I had a good time. Well, let's have Rudy take us out with one of your favorite incorrect slangs from there. Which one did you say? What was the furthest off? I'm going to make him a spider. He can't refuse. Yeah, yeah. Is that it? Go ahead and say that into the camera and take us home.

I'm gonna make him a spider he can't refuse. Thank you for being a bad friend. Let's play you son of a bitch! Now you have a little bobby tooth. Thank you for being a bad friend.