Three Hundred Hussies
01:33:23 Share

Anchor! If you haven't heard about Anchor... It's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please.

It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone like on the go? Oh, my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many, many, many more. Go ahead.

You can make money from your podcast, too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You two are... Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends. Andrew is a fucking asshole because he told me that our friend had AIDS. HIV. I said he had HIV. Oh, shit. HIV. Look, I told you he had HIV. Yeah.

To get your attention. I got your attention. Let me just let people know what happened. Okay. So I'm outside with my dogs. I'm having a good day, very sunny, good day. It was after the rains. It was nice. It was real nice. And I get a call from Redman over here, and he goes, I have something very important to tell you.

And I go, I'm listening. Because when your friend opens up like that, your ears are, you know. Yeah, you do. My eyes are squinty, but my ears are squinty. But when I hear stuff, my ears, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, like a cartoon. Boing, boing. Allah? Yeah. What happened? And you go, seriously, you know Alex. Alex is our ad guy. He works with us doing ads for the show. And he said, yeah.

Man, Alex thought he had the coronavirus, right? And he went and got tested, but they did some blood work. Because they found something abnormal in his blood. Abnormal, right. And it came back that he has HIV, so he's no longer our ad guy anymore.

And he's the logo ad guy. And he has to go to Yuma, Arizona. Yuma, Arizona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And to get some sort of testing. Because that's where the facility is that he needs to help. I don't know that. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know that. Not a real thing. So then he talks to me about some other kind of business. Yeah, real business. Yeah. So then we hang up the phone. And I'm like tears are welling up in my eyes.

Like, I'm shaking. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, oh my God, I got to tell Kalilah. Yeah, you did tell her right away. She texted me right away. Yeah, so I go to Kalilah and I go, you know, Alex, he had HIV. Right? And then I tell her the information, but then the tears quickly went away. Yeah. Because I wanted to go play Witcher 3 downstairs. I did. I did. I did.

You care about your friends getting HIV for four seconds. It was a good eight seconds. Okay. Went downstairs to play adventures. I was in caves trying to find the sword that I want. Did you find the sword that you needed? No. Okay. And then Kalilah texts me because, you know, I live in a very big house. So she has to text me. Yeah, we know. Yeah, downstairs. Regules, we're killing it. She's not. She's just living there. She does live there, yeah. And she's going to get the house when you guys have to move out.

When you guys get evicted, aren't you taking over the house, Jules? I'm kicking her the fuck out. This is an ungrateful little Filipino. She's going nowhere. What? She's staying in your house forever. She will be with you for the rest of time. Yeah. You know, we've been watching 90 Day Fiance. Love it. Hold on. Finish your story. All right, let me finish the story. So you're in the basement. Kalilah texts you and says what?

You fucking idiot. He doesn't have HIV, you fucking idiot. He does. Andrew called me and he said he had to give. Yeah. And she goes, no, he's just joking. So then I called you and then you left. My point is, is this. How do you why would you think? My point is, is this is that when you prank somebody and you say stuff like that at the end of the phone call, you go, I was just kidding. You don't let it. You don't let it fucking.

fucking live. How would you not know that I was kidding? I wasn't. It was so obvious I was joking around. People can have, right? People? No! Not anymore! Yeah, we know a guy that has it. I know, but he got it in like 86. He has it. I know, but no one gets it now. You know how I know he has it? How? I've never gave him a hug.

You won't touch him? No, I do. I do. Do you ever... Oh, you don't use drugs? I do. But my point is that... Would you share a drink with him if you were like, can I get a sip of that? If he was like, can I get a sip of that? I'm really thirsty. Would you give him a sip? Of what? Like if I had a Coke? Yeah. Yeah.

But no, I'll go. Yeah, here you go. And then he would give it back and I would just hold it until he walked away. Yeah. Dump it out. And then burn the cup. Yeah. No, seriously. Alec, I told you that he had HIV to get your attention. Got it. And then I asked you the business thing. It's not, it's not, you know. No, because when I ask you business stuff, when I ask you stuff about the show. Yeah. You go like this. Ready? Yeah. You're me. I'm you. So, so call me and be back to me. Yeah. Yeah.

Because that's how you always open. 100%. Yeah. And then you go, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah. You go. And then what do I say? I said, you go, give me any business thing like we need to do this. So anyway, so the, you know, the mics, we got to get new mics. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I don't care. I don't care. I got to go. I got to go. That's what I do every fucking time. Do I talk like that?

Yes! See? I fucking love you. You do. So if I can't get your attention, if I've got to talk a real business thing, then I was like, he's never going to take this serious, and it was a long conversation. So I told you that the ad guy got HIV because I knew it would get your attention. But from now on, right? Anything. Right. If Chris D'Elia gets in a car accident and you call me that he's paralyzed, I'd be like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, but I would laugh too. Oh, yeah, I would too. Yeah.

Let's show this. Delia sent Bobby a video. Yeah, so last night, you know... Let's play the video. Let me explain it first. So last night, I'm having a great day. I'm downstairs playing Witcher 3. Just going on some adventures, trying to find another sword. And then I get a text from this piece of shit. Yeah. Go ahead, play it. Here's what Delia's text to Bobby was. My special came out. Yeah. Yeah.

It's killing. You should do one, you know? Get it together. You're fucking doing it already. But you don't, you know? And you won't. Is it because you're a pussy? That's it. That's the video. Let's criticize the way he looks, though. Okay, number one, Chris D'Elia. All right. I don't know.

What a weirdo. Okay. Look at this. Look at this, though. Look at this face. Yet another goofball tattoo from Chris. A paper airplane. Dumb. He's three for three on bad tats. Right. His lips are like... Remember that amphibian character in Hellboy? Oh, yeah. He has his lips. He does have the same lips. They're always wet. Yeah. D'Elia's lips are always fucking wet. Soaked. Soaked. You know why? Why? Because he does this all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

Is that what he does? All the time. I see him lick his lips all the time. Oh, that's what it is. He wants wet lips. Yeah. He wants to be wet lips. Let's call him wet lips from now on. So wet lips sent you this text. Did you text him back? Yeah, I texted him. I'll show you what I texted him. I go... Because when he sends me videos like this all the fucking time and I get so angry, I don't know why. Well, he sends me those videos. I just said, I'm going to hurt you. What did he say? Nothing. He never responded. Yeah. In fact, he didn't hurt you then, did he? Yeah. I mean, one time he sent me a video of...

Aren't my dogs cute? So he has two dogs. I think he has three. I thought he had three. Whatever, two or three dogs running around being cute. But they're running on top of a pile of money. Yeah, that's hilarious. That's so funny. He does stuff like that. He does. Yeah. Well, he's a richy rich guy. Yeah. He's secretly probably one of the richest friends we have, don't you think? I mean, if I were to guess, he's not the richest. No, no, but I'm saying he's up there, though.

He's up there. He's in the top. I think that the richest one we know is Sebastian. By far. By far. Right. It's not even close. Sebastian's by far the richest, right? And we went to his house. What are you calling? White Lips. Let's see what he's got to say about himself. If he can pick up. You know this guy? Yeah. He might be too... You've met him before, right? You know Chris? Yeah. Do you like him? You like his comedy? I don't want.

Hi, Kuya. I don't like your comedy but Uncle Bobby's lips are so cute.

What did you just say? I said that Tito Bobby said that you have a big lips.

and I don't like your comedy and Kweanjo said hi and bye. Okay, good. That was very good. Thank you so much. I love you. You're the best. You're the best. Thank you, Jules. So fucking good. He sends me those weird texts all the time. That's what he does. His special did come out. Very funny. Very funny. Does beg the question, Bob. When's Bobo going to do one? All right. You know what? We're not doing that right now. Okay, no problem. We're not doing that right now at all. We don't have to. We don't have to. You want to talk about something that's been bothering you for a while outside of that?

Which is what? The podcast by Ken Jeong. That's not bothering me. It's not? Is it bothering you? Well, you sent me a text that said it's so fucking annoying that they have a podcast now. And you said I hate Joel McHale. If you want to go down this path, I can go down a path that you're not going to like as well. Don't ever roll your little eyes at me, by the way. Well, hold on, though. Here. We compiled something. We compiled...

We compiled a little. Bobby Lee or Ken Jeong, who sent this tweet? Let's see how different or close you guys are to having the same kind of tweet sentiments. Because we were looking at the tweets and I was like, hmm, maybe they copied us because you guys have similar tweets. Yeah. Right? All right, so let's play Bobby Lee live or Ken Jeong. Here we go. Sorry, I'll stop the retweets. Got carried away. Damn you, Coke Zero. Who said that?

Bobby or Dr. Kent? Who said that? Me? Yeah. I didn't say that. I don't like Coke Zero. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. If any of this is bad, it's all George. Okay, okay. So tired from my private charter flight to New Zealand. Humble jet lag. Definitely not me. I take Southwest Airlines. Middle seat. That's why they love you. Yeah. I'm addicted to ramen, y'all, and pussy. It is something that I would say, but I didn't say that. You didn't? No.

Yes, you did. Yes, you did. I said that? April 19th, 2014, you said, I'm addicted to ramen, y'all, and pussy. Oh, shit. Holy fuck. I was in a psychedelic band in my early 20s, and I look like Pocahontas. I'm so glad they kicked. That's me. Is it? Yeah, because I was in a psychedelic band. Yeah, you were. What was the band?

We were called Laxton Superb. You can see a video on YouTube. Laxton Superb? Yeah. We're going to look that up after we play this. No. Have you ever showed anybody that? No, I don't want to show people. Wait, why? You just said we can look it up on YouTube. On your own. You just told everybody. Not us. Oh. People listening on us. Oh, the fans? They can watch it? I don't know exactly. I know it's on YouTube. Laxton Superb? That's what the band was called, yes. Wow. Why? No, I think that's amazing. Yeah, I was 21 years old.

It was a psychedelic band? That's what I just said in the tweet. Read it. Yeah, but was it? Yes, it was. Huh. Yeah. Eric Stonestreet. I'd rather not talk about it in public, Eric Stonestreet. Thank God there's a private direct message and not a tweet. That's definitely Ken Jeong. Why? Because he's friends with... I don't think I would say something like that. I would be a little bit more crass than that. You sure? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. Look at me. Yeah. You sure? Yeah. Okay. You're right. Yeah. What would you have said?

I would have said you fucking fat fuck or something. You know what I mean? Something. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would have been meaner. Yeah, yeah. I would have been mean. Dear Miley Cyrus, I love you deeply, but passing on Moriah Formica was a criminal. Bye. That's me. You sure? 100% because I'm a huge fan of The Voice. So is he. Yeah, but I'm a huge, like I follow them. We've had people on The Voice on Tiger Valley. No, no, I know. But wait a minute. Do you still talk to Moriah Formica? Yeah.

I don't know her. She was just on the show. But you tweeted at her. Did she not return that tweet? No, you know what's so fucking fucked up? Some of them do, but some of them don't. Like, I like American Idol as well. Yeah, sure. And so I'll follow somebody from American Idol. What about The Voice? I both. What about the newest one? Yeah, I'm watching the newest one. Yeah, it's good. It's okay, yeah. The songwriters one? What do you mean the songwriters one? Where they pair up songwriters with the... Do you know what I'm talking about? You're talking about American Idol. No, dude, they have a brand new one. There's a brand new show where it's like...

They walk in. It's not The Voice then or American. No, it's a brand new show, but it's from the same people. Okay, what's it called? Is it a comedy game, pardon? Okay. Are we done with this portion? Close. Playing the new Cristiano game. Heads up on my iPhone. This game is addicting. No, that's not me. You sure? Yeah, I would not play that. It was Ken. Yeah. This is what I look like right before I transform into a mermaid. That's me. Look at my body. Ken doesn't look like that. I know. Ken has Gollum's body. George did not blur this well enough.

That's how pixelated is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, though. You look good. Thank you. Now, is this one of the tubs where you put jizz on the side? Yep. Sure is. This guy roofied me and I woke up in an abandoned building downtown wearing my Genghis Khan outfit. That's me for sure because I know that that's Andrew WK. That is. Yeah, yeah. What was that from? One of his music videos? Yeah, something like that. Yeah. Very bummed for Shantae left Chili Peppers again. Probably the greatest guitarist in the past 10 years. Billboard Music Awards. It's not me.

George did not do a good enough job. I'm going to quit comedy. Also, Chido Santino is my favorite comedian. That's not me for sure. 100%. That one is my favorite. That one's my literal favorite.

God damn, I love that so much that that actually is yours. Wait, wait, wait. That came out when? July 12th, 2014. I said that out loud? I'm going to quit comedy. Also, Chita Santino is my favorite comedian. I bet you don't remember this night, do you? You remember the night? Oh, yeah. No, you don't. Yeah. Tell me the night. You left your phone open at the store. Yeah. We were sitting at the booths. Yeah. I mean, at Mitzi's chairs. Yeah. And at the

at the bucket seats, you went up on stage and left your phone on the table. Uh-huh. Unlocked. I immediately went to Twitter and tweeted that. Closed your phone. Put it back down on the table. Wait, wait. Did I know that you had done that? No. Well, yeah. I think afterwards we had talked about it. Oh, really? Because you had opened your Twitter and you had been like, what the fuck? What the fuck is this? And you didn't delete it. Oh, so you did that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I didn't do that. Technically, you did. Yeah.

I guess, yeah. But you know, I'll be honest with you. There was a time where I would probably think that you were my favorite comedian. Well, we... Oh, thanks. In the past.

No, I remember when— Well, here's—let me give you some honest reference to this. Yeah. You were talking—you were being very negative and being like, I'm going to quit. I want to quit. You weren't feeling good. You were in a bad mood that night. Because that—2014 was a really bad year for me. Well, so you kept saying, I'm going to quit comedy. Yeah. And I was like, you're not going to fucking—you're not going to quit, Bob. And you kept saying, yes, I am. I'm going to quit. Yeah, yeah. So when you kept saying that and then you left your phone and went on stage—

I tweeted, I was just going to tweet, I'm going to quit comedy. And I was going to say, should I? Because I wanted you to see people go, no, fuck no, that's insane. Right, right. But then I just wrote, I'm going to quit comedy. And then, and it was my favorite comedian. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for saying that. No, because I remember when I first- It was a tough year?

Yeah, it was a fucking tough year, man. That was a really bad year, 2014. Why? Why 14? I think I was in a relationship with Kalilah. It was our first year, maybe, of being in a relationship with her. And I had nothing going on. I couldn't get any auditions. I had nothing really going on. Work was bad. The road was half the rooms were filled. Wow. Some places I would go, I would sell like 100 seats.

Out of like a 350 room. Yeah. Yeah, 400 room. And then I would have to go – you know how you show up to a – not now, but at that time you'd have to show up to a gig and then go in the manager's office and go, what can we do? Can we just give away tickets? Please. Please. I remember it vividly. Yeah. I mean I remember feeling – I remember showing up and doing that thing.

where I walk right into the green room. I don't say anything to anybody. Yeah. And somebody comes in like, how are you? I'm like, I'm good. Sorry about that. I immediately say sorry. Me too. And the servers always were like, dude, it's okay. It's not, it's fucking, we're fine. This is fine. This is, and then they do this thing where they go, this is like, Thursday, this is like, this is what it's like on Thursday. They say that all the fuck.

And they're just trying to be nice to you because they know that it hurts. Or they'll tell you a past comic that's good. They'll go, you know who did really bad on Thursday too? Yeah, they'll do that move, right? But I remember those. It will never leave my chest. So that was happening a lot in 14. Oh, my God. And then also at the end of the week was the worst.

where it's payday. Oh, boy. Where you get the check. Yeah. And then it's like the justifications. They bring out these paper, you know, the paper. Yeah, they're like, here's how bad you did. Yeah, yeah. And they give you the numbers and the breakdown, right? So that means, so Friday night, we had to comp this many and this and that. Anyway, long story short, here's your $5 check. Right. And then, you know, you had been there for a week. Yeah. Right. And you're like kind of shaking and you go,

Thanks for the opportunity. And you say some bullshit like that. Bullshit, yeah. And you look like a dummy. You look like a dummy. And then the flight home is always the most depressing thing. Oh, dude, that night sucks because I go back to the hotel. I'll probably have something to eat or drink. And then just sit around thinking about, God, do I want to keep doing this? Yeah. You do. You really go, do I want to keep doing this thing? Is this worth it to keep going to these places that...

But, but, but. What was the worst show? I can remember. I went to Foxwoods Casino. Have you ever been to play there? Oh, yeah. Right. I was in Foxwoods. I did it one time. Yeah. And I had a show so bad. It's not around anymore, right? I don't know. Yeah. I did a show so bad where there's a curtain. I went behind the curtain. I laid on my back. And I remember...

Crying. During the show? No, after the show was done. I could hear the audience leave. And I was laying back there just fucking crying. Yeah. Yeah, it was that bad. Painful. So fucking painful. I mean, I've talked about so many of them. There was, you know, I'm not going to say the name of the fucking club, but. I don't give a fuck. I was at. Yeah. Which one? I don't want to say because the people that run are so nice. Yeah. Well, you just said the club.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. So some shows I can get this. I can go, you know, I don't get a door deal, but just give me 10 grand for the week. This is what I used to do. And sometimes they would go, all right. Right. And at the end of the week, there is these two old couple, an old couple that run, that's been doing it for years. Sure. And you can tell that they're distraught.

And then the man is like giving me the check, but his hand shaking. What do you mean? Like he's upset that he's kind of upset. He's like shaking. You know what I mean? And he's like, here you go. I go, what's wrong? I wish I'd never said that. Yeah. You should have just taken the check. We just we we just thought you would do better. And we were just really hitting. We're losing a lot of money on this one. And I go, and then how do you how do you take it from them?

Did you take it? No. I would have taken it. No, no, no. Because they were so like, they were older. So what did you do? You walked home with no, no, no, no. I go, I go, what? Just rewrite the check. Give me five. That's really nice. And they go, oh my God, you're a mensch. And I had to Google what mensch meant. I remember that. What's mensch mean? You never heard that? No. You thought it was a racial slur. Yeah. Gook in Jerusalem. In Yiddish? In Jerusalem? I don't know the language. This is how it would have gone for me. Yeah.

I'll be the guy. Here you go, young man. Oh, you're shaking there. Are you okay? No, I just... It's like a medical condition, maybe? No, it's not. There's the check. No, we're just very upset because we're taking a really big hit on the sun and we thought you would do better. Man. Yeah. Thanks for the time, dude. Appreciate you guys. That's real. Really? Why? I don't think you would do that. Yeah, I wouldn't take it. I would take the check.

When somebody's visibly distraught and you can tell— Those places make a ton of money. Not this one. This was at a Holiday Inn. Mm-hmm. Holiday Inn. Why did they agree? They thought they were going to make way more money? Yeah, because, you know, at the time— Not my business. Not my business. But let me just— We get fucked so much. We get fucked so much. So I don't care. I'm just—oh, sorry. It's okay. It's—

A lot of people thought at the time that Bobby was on a show, Mad TV, for eight years. We don't really know his numbers on the road, but we just make assumptions that he's going to sell a certain amount of tickets. Of course. I'm doing well now because of the podcasting and because there's been just a –

Because people want to see your great comedian. Yeah, it's just a different vibe out there. But your agents set that number, right? It doesn't matter, dude. We're still human fucking beings. Bob, I get it. The only way I agree with you here, because I have a heart too, is if it's a mom and pop place. But if it's a corporate place, I don't fucking care.

They make tons of money on- It was a mom and pop. It's not a corporate. Okay. All right, so that's what it was. I give that credit then. Okay, good. If it was the improv, fuck you. Wouldn't give a shit. Yeah. Funny bone, fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah. When it's a big corp- If it's a mom and pop, because I have family relations with families that I still love that I work with them on the numbers. Yeah. But the problem is so many times corporate clubs fucked us when we were young. How many times did you get fucked-

When you were young by big corporate clubs and they gave you no money or you're like, this is how much I thought we said this is how much. Oh my God. So money. I mean, there's, there's clubs today that when my, my agent goes, do you want to play the city? I'll go. No, no. Fuck that.

And they'll go, why? Because I know what they're going to do. Because they fucked you. The room is going to be sold out. Right. And then they're going to go, here's $1,500. Yeah. And then you go – and then they go sold out and then they go, no, I mean I don't – I think there were some tickets left. We're not – yeah, I don't know if it was all the way. And I know people are going, well, $1,500 is a lot of money. You have to understand that we fly ourselves there. We're there for three or four days, right? Yep.

And our agents take 20%, 25%, whatever your deal is, right? With taxes, you're making $600, $700. It's just not worth it. No, you walk away broke. Completely broke. Yeah, because all your money has gone through either taxes and agents' payouts, and you're living not at home, so you're eating out every day. It's not like you're cooking food. Then you go back to your fucking hotel. And I also want to say this, is that people go, well, you comedians get paid a lot. You have to understand that for the first time.

10 years I did thousands and thousands and thousands of shows for nothing no money for nothing I lived with 9 dudes in a one bedroom apartment in Silver Lake for years we'd have to grind it out just to get a meal a day I mean I went through it so it's like when people try to you know go well you're not grateful it's like go fuck yourself no you're very grateful you're very grateful yeah cause you lived through the thing to get to the place right

Hey, the common issue that almost every man faces, nobody wants to talk about it. Think long and hard. Whoa, 40% of men by 40 are not being able to get their pee-pee stiff. The blood isn't rushing like it used to. ED is a real thing. Back in the day, I had some dick problems myself, and I didn't have the opportunity to see any professionals because it wasn't affordable at the time. No.

Now it very much so is. Now it very much is. Yeah, well, they also, HIMSS also has stuff for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men in general. What you do is you get connected with licensed doctors online. So you don't have to go anywhere and it's approved pharmaceutical products. They can treat erectile dysfunction. Well known. Okay. Generic equivalents. They're not, this isn't just like a. It's not snake oil shit. It's not snake oil. You know, you go to the gas station, you can buy that purple pill. That's what this

This is real professional. Yeah, real prescription from real medical people. You see results where other treatments fall short, okay? Stop worrying about multiple doctor visits. You don't have to do that. You can sign on. You can go to 4hims.com. You can check it out. It's very easy. No injections. Try HIMS today by starting out with a free online visit. Go to 4hims.com slash... BadFriendsPod. That's 4hims.com slash... BadFriendsPod.

4hims.com slash badfriendspod. That's right. Please do it. Yeah, prescription products are subject to doctor approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if the prescription is appropriate. See the website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds of dollars if you went in person to the doctor's office. Instead, you could do it here for much cheaper. Remember, that's 4hims.com slash badfriendspod. Me?

MeUndies! Hi, friends. Hello. So you may have heard of MeUndies before, but they're on pretty much every podcast ever. Yeah, they are. But besides that, MeUndies makes the world's most soft and sustainable underwear ever. I use MeUndies because I perform in my underwear sometimes. I'm wearing them right now. It's the only underwear I use on stage. Well, you wear MeUndies when you know you're going to take your pants off. That's a fact. Yeah, because I like the comfort. Yeah. And also their performance quality. And they've got the thing for your penis. That's right. I love the little cup thing for your pee-pee. I love the little cup for my pee-pee.

It's time to end your toxic relationship with your tattered old undies. It's disgusting. If you're not replacing your underwear, by the way, people, you're repulsive. I throw my underwear away and get new underwear all the time because people that rewash, those streaks are staying in there forever, Eric Griffin. You can choose a monthly membership, build a pack. You can even match your undie with your other half. Ooh, cute.

No matter what you choose, you'll get a soft, sustainable pair of undies delivered straight to your door with free shipping. My friend, sounds like a win-win. It's a soft, sustainable fabric. It's available in sizes small to Bobby Lee, which is 4XL. From black to unicorn, MeUndies prints are made for your self-expression. And for our listeners, for Bad Friends fam, 50% off your first order, free shipping, 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to MeUndies.com slash... Bad Friends. That's MeUndies.com slash... Bad Friends.

We love it. We love it. What's the first time you fucked? When I was 28. No, you were 28 years old the first time you fucked? Yeah, 28 when I lost my virginity. How? Because I was afraid of sex until then, so I dry humped.

I only would dry hump. Really? Yeah. So you would do like high school moves in your 20s? Because I was scared of sex. So I would do, I would say, would you mind if we could take our pants off? Don't laugh at me. I would say, that's not funny. This isn't funny. It's joy. It's joy. Okay. So I would say, could you take your, we would take our pants off and I'd say, leave your underwear on and I'd leave my underwear on and I just would kiss and I'd grind it, but I'd do a dry hump. And then you would come through the underwear? I would come on any underwear, all over it.

And I usually go home with wet. So what was the first time you fucked then? When I was 28. So what happened? Give me the situation. The first time I fucked? Yeah. Craigslist. I ordered a girl off Craigslist. Are you lying right now? Yes. I know you are. I was 15. You fucking asshole. I was 15. Why do you do that? It's fun. Oh, is it fun? It's fun. But the first time, by the way, but the first time I do remember busting a nut with a girl was a dry hump. Yeah. When I was 16.

12 or 13 and holy shit felt good oh my god yeah I was soaked I was soaked in cum and I walked home with my cum soaked underwear and it was like the best moment of my life the best sex I thought that was the pin I was like this is it and then you feel sex for real and you're like well this is gonna ruin my life the best sex I've ever had was with my girlfriend Kalilah but the second best sex I've ever had was in Beirut really did I ever tell you that story no

So this is crazy. So I go to Beirut with Sebastian Maniscalco. Yeah, for the troops? And Eric Griffin. No. We did shows for, I'm not kidding you, Hezbollah. When was this? Years ago. Yeah. Yeah. But so we did this whole run. Before Sebastian was Sebastian. Oh, yeah, yeah. No one knew who was Sebastian. He was a guy at the store. He was just a guy at the store. And Eric Griffin was just this fat black guy. Come on, Bob.

Both very funny. Yeah. Many years ago. But we had done this fucking Middle East run. So I don't know if you know this, but in the Middle East, if you go on the internet and try to download porn, you can't. They block it. They block it, right? So then it's like – and I've always masturbated through pornography. Yeah. So for a month, I didn't masturbate at all. You just – I couldn't. So it was just – and then I kept saying to the tour guys, I go, when are we going to Beirut?

Because I knew that I could have a prostitute there. You'd have freedom there, yeah. And soon, in three weeks, I would have a calendar and just mark it. You know what I mean? And then we go to Beirut. And so we go, and there's this guy named Camille. And he's like...

our friend and he's running the shows, right? He's like promoting it, you know, through his production company or whatever. And he lived in this gigantic white mansion. As soon as we walked in, there was like Uzis on the table. Shut up. No, I'm not kidding you. I love this. Right? And then like, on the corner of this fucking place, Danny Masterson is eating spaghetti. What? Yeah. And his brother.

I remember this. This is like Illuminati shit. It is crazy, right? Wait, how do they know that guy? Because since he has a production company, they're also doing a rave or something like that, and Danny Masterson's DJing. Okay, so they hired him to come. Right. Okay, okay. It's not like he's Hezbollah. Well. No, we're all just there because of this guy. Sure.

So I go right up to Camila and I'm just like shaking and I'm like, where do I get the prostitutes? You know, he's like, oh, you want to go? Yeah. Yeah. And he goes, um, super disco. That's what he says to me. Super disco. Super disco.

I go, what the fuck is a Super Disco? And he goes, that's where the prostitutes are. Oh. And I go, well, can we go now? He's like, no, we got to go an hour into the desert. Yeah. Right? So I go, when, when? He goes, tomorrow. We'll go. We'll go to Super Disco. And then Masterson goes...

I want to go. I'm not going to have – he's not that way. But they just wanted to check it out. I would want to check it out. Yeah, he just wanted to check it out. Yeah, I want to see it. He wanted to see it. Yeah. But he didn't do anything with his brother. So we – if you're in Beirut, every other street, there's a tank –

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a 12-year-old with a machine gun. Yeah, yeah. Right? And then they have to stop and then it's like you got, you know, passports. Show me your papers. Yeah, and all that stuff. Yeah. So you're going out there. You're going out there. It takes forever to get out there. You go out into the desert and all of a sudden you see these three buildings. They look like skyscrapers. In the middle of the desert. In the middle of the desert. And above them is like these like, you know, like circus, you know, like circus, circus, like.

It's a Super Disco, but in that kind of font. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? And like bright lights, you mean. And bright lights. And we go downstairs and it's like, you know, have you ever been to like a shitty theater where it's like just black? They have no...

There's no set decorating. It's just black boxes. It's a black box theater. Black box theater, right? That's what it looked like. In the basement of this beautiful big building. In this beautiful basement. It's black. You know what I mean? And maybe a couple of those 70s disco balls, right? And it's like this music is playing and the women are just walking in a circle.

What? Yeah, they're just wandering around just pretending that they're partying. But you could tell that they're just... Sex slaves. Slaves. Yeah.

I don't know why I'm laughing. Right? And also they didn't, to me, I was just like, this is too sad. It was very, that sounds fucking miserable. It's just too, too sad. It's like prison. Yeah. So, so you. So then I go to Camille, I go, I don't know, is there a happier place? Like a super, super disco? Right? And he goes, no, no, no, dude, I know, I know the girl.

I've been here before. I know the girl. Okay. So he disappears, right? He comes back with this Moroccan lady, right? Her name is Julia, but she looked like a dark Julia Roberts. No. I'm being serious. As soon as I saw her, my dick just went... You know what I mean? Yeah. It went like this, right? And a little...

Like a little juice squirted out the top. Yeah. It was like, oh. And he goes, this is Julia. And I go, hi, nice to meet you. You know? And she's, you know, when women first see me, they make a face. Yeah. And they go like that. It makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. So I go, what do we do now? Or how does it work? You know what I mean? And he goes, no, you got to come back tomorrow. What? Check this out. You got to come back tomorrow and you got to take her on a date. Yeah.

You have to take a prostitute on a date? I go, what the fuck? I don't know the language. I don't know Moroccanese or any of this shit. Moroccanese. I don't know any of this shit. Right. He goes, it's not really a fucking... It's just illegal. Right. So you have to just show up here and go through the motions of it. But it's going to... I go, okay. So I wake up the next day and I go, Camille, let's go. He goes, no, you're going on your own. Out to the Super Disco by yourself. Yeah, an hour in the desert by myself. Nope. I go...

By myself? He goes, look at this piece of paper. So he puts a piece of paper, right? On the top it says, Julia 202. Johnny said it was okay. That's what it said. Johnny said it was okay. Well, Johnny said it was okay. I go, who's Johnny? He goes, don't worry about it. Just give him the paper. So I go in the cab and I remember this cab driver. He goes, hey, you want to see my new tattoo?

I go, yeah. He pulls up his shirt. It's a full-blown Adolf Hitler tattoo. Shut up. On his fucking stomach. In Beirut? In Beirut. Had Hitler doing the SIG Highland? Yeah, I have no idea. Wow. And so I'm scared. I feel safe for some reason. And also, in every stop point-

Yeah. Right? It's harder because I don't know the language. It's not like Camille could talk to these people. Yeah. So it just takes longer. Would you have to keep saying Super Disco? No, I didn't say anything. You can't say that. So what, is the taxi guy does it? Yeah, he's like, you know, he's going to go visit. I don't know what he's saying, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we go out there and the taxi, it's during the day now. It looks completely different. Ugh. It's just desert.

And just like 1970s Soviet looking buildings. Oh, my God. And he drops me off and he goes, he just drives away. Yeah, he knows. Right. And I go, what the fuck? And I walk in there and there's a table, a long wooden table off to the side. And there's probably about 10 Russian dudes, Russian. Right. Right.

drinking Turkish coffee, smoking cigars, and they all have the guns. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. And they're just, as soon as I walk in, they just stare. And I'm shaking, Andrew. The paper is just... Yeah, yeah. Right? Right.

And I go to the front desk and there was a doorway like that, right? Yeah. You know how in the doorway sometimes they have those like wooden beads? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever the beads. I fucking hate those. Yeah, so this giant, a Russian twice the size of these guys walks through this fucking thing. What do you want? I go, oh, what? It was also Dracula. That's how it is. What do you want? And I go, Julia 202.

Johnny said it was okay. That's what I said. Right. And he goes, who's Johnny? Yeah. Good question. And I ran out of the fucking building. What? Yeah. And I called Camille because he had these makeshift like throwaway phones. Right. Burner phones. Burner phones. And I go, there's no Johnny. Give me a cut. There's no Johnny. There's a fucking Johnny, dude. He's my friend. Go back in there.

We're in a fight. I'm not going back in there. So I go back in there. But now the guy's still behind the counter like this. Huge. Huge. And these guys are just staring at me. Yeah. And I go back and I go, Julia, 202, Johnny said it was okay. And he looks at me and he goes, I'm Johnny! And then everyone starts laughing. Right, right? Yeah. Right? And I'm laughing too. Like, I thought I was going to die. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And so then he goes, here's your keys, right? Camille took care of it, you know, every single range. Oh, he paid. Yeah, he paid for it. And he goes, and he gave me two remote controls, one for the, I remember, one for the air conditioning and one for the TV remote. I know, it's weird. They don't leave them in the room? No, they don't. So I have two remotes.

And then I have keys. I go to room 202 and it literally is like, you know, the set, the room looked like Munich 1972. I mean, just...

70s. Like drab. But drab. Old. Not only just old, but very like Soviet 70s. Yeah. Weird. Yeah, yeah. Uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. The TV was like... I didn't even know how to turn it on. It was so old. Yeah, the remote wasn't for the TV. Yeah, I don't know what it was for. And I sat there on this couch just waiting for this girl. And I waited there probably for an hour and a half. She wasn't in the room? No. So you just sat in the room? I just sat there just...

I looked around a bit. I looked outside. It was just desert. What did you do back then? There's no phones? You're not playing on a phone? No, I had a makeshift. So you just sit in silence? I just sat there. And then I get a knock on the door and she comes in. And she doesn't speak English. Of course. And she just goes, she grabs my hand. We just sit on the couch. I'm just sitting there. I don't know what to say. And then she starts licking, kissing my neck. Right? Right.

And I'm not kidding you. Out of my dick. You came already? Already a little bit. I mean, imagine a month, right? Yeah. Right? You could hear it. Like that, right? Yeah. And she goes, okay, come over. She pulls me out of the bed. And she has condoms out of this purse, right? Put the condom on. She put it on for you? Yeah. Okay. And she's beautiful. She's hot.

We should have asked Rudy to leave the room like an hour ago. Are you okay? Because Kalilah knows the story. You okay with it? Do you judge me for it? No. All right. Don't be judgy. Okay. All right. She's tired from school. Yeah. She's trying to learn. As soon as I stick it in, I calm. What? Yeah. I go, ah. Right away. Right away. So, okay. That's good. You know what I mean? She goes, no, no. Four hour. Four hour.

He paid for four hours. For some reason, you have to be there because of this dating thing for a certain amount of time. Right? Otherwise, they know it's a prostitute. Right. Right. So go, four hours? She goes, but we can do as many as we want. So you can just keep doing it? Yes. So you did? Like 12 times. Really? Oh, my God.

Did you love it? Oh, it was the best. For $200? That's all it was? Yes! Oh my God. Oh my God. So you just kept going? You kept going. I mean, by the 12th one, you know what I mean? Fourth or fifth, you mean. A visine drop comes out. Yeah, that's when your dick is like... Crying? Yeah, yeah. So wait a minute, how do you say goodbye? I don't... You just got up and left? Yeah, I just got to put my clothes on. Bye-bye! Well, you give him a look, like, and then you leave. You waited...

Hey, you'll never forget me. I'm the guy that comes right away. Raycon. Raycon, baby. I want to just say this right now. I use my Raycons more than any other earbud device, Bluetooth device. It is so slick.

It has a button that you can press. It's so easy to use. They're clearer. The bass is better. It's way better. Here's something we do want to say. Seriously, we both use the Raycon headphones. They're incredible. They're also half the price of any other premium wireless earbud on the market. So right now, you're talking all these earbuds are charging hundreds and hundreds of dollars.

and their newest model, the E25, it's their best one. Six hours of playtime. What are you doing? Six hours. That's phenomenal for Bluetooth pairing. It's got way more bass. It sounds amazing, dude. It's seriously probably the best headphone out there. We've heard a bunch of celebrities talk about them. Snoop Dio, Double Jizzle. Carol B. Cardi B. Cardi B.

Melissa Anneridge. Woo! Rondo. J.R. Smith. These people are all obsessed. All I want to say to you right now is that if you don't use them, you're an idiot. You're an idiot because they're phenomenal. They're better than all the other Bluetooth headphones that are out there, and they're half the price. Now's the time to get the latest and greatest from Raycon. Get 15% off your order at buyraycon.com slash badfuck.

Bad friends. That's buyraycon.com slash. Bad friends. 15% off of Raycon wireless earbuds. Buyraycon.com slash. Bad friends, baby. That's it, baby. Buffy. Buffy. I'm going to say this right now. I usually don't take Andrew Santino's recommendations in terms of restaurants and whatnot. It's true. Because he has really bad taste. But when it comes to his linens, dude, he told me, he gave me a Buffy fucking comforter. Yeah. It literally is the best thing I've ever gotten from you.

dude. It's awesome. We use it every fucking night. It's on our bed, right? Really? That makes me smile. I'm being real. Because I was like, you have to take this home and use it. I promise you'll like it. And I'm like, what? And then when I use it, we are Buffy fans for life. Trust me, it's nice and compact and thin. It doesn't feel like you're in a heavy comforter. Bob and I run at different temperatures. You will. Usually, you know, in other comforters, you eventually sweat. Yeah, I always sweat. At like three in the morning. Always sweat. This one does not, you don't sweat.

No, it's eucalyptus fiber, man. It's softer than cotton. It's more earth-friendly. It consumes 10 times less water than most forms that would go into bedding. That's insane. It almost has 20,000 five-star reviews, guys. And Bob and I love it because it's cruelty-free. The rating is 3.6 stars. Cruelty-free and hypoallergenic. So animals, they're not hurting animals when they're making this great product. They're offering a free trial, free shipping, and free returns. Let me say that again for real. It's free to try it and free to give it back if you don't like it.

Name anything else that does that. You can try it in your own bed for free. If you don't love it, you can return it at their cost, not yours. For $20 off your Buffy bedding, go to Buffy.co and enter the code. Bad friends. Once again, for $20 off a Buffy bedding, visit Buffy.co and enter the code. Bad friends. Yeah, buddy. Have you ever had a prostitute? No. You have. Yeah. Why do you lie? I've had three of them. You have? Three at once.

Are you lying? Because of the HIV thing and because you've lied a couple of times on this podcast, are you being honest or real? How about this? From now on, especially on this specific podcast, please don't lie because I want to be real. I got a handjob in college from a prostitute. That's it? Yeah, I never had sex. I was so scared to have sex. That's a scary thing for me. Any gay experiences? It was the handjob from the prostitute. It was a guy. Okay.

No, for real. I did get a handjob from a prostitute in college at a party. And you paid them? Yeah, it was so sad. It was like a frat boy party type of shit. And she was like a dancer. They hired a girl to come dance, right? Yeah. And a buddy was like, if you give her like 20 bucks, she'll jerk you off. And I was like, fuck you. He's like, I swear to God. Yeah. So like joking around, joking around, dancing with me. She's doing a dance. Yeah. You know, we're tipping her like she's a stripper, even though we have like $9 to our name. Mm-hmm.

I said, my buddy said, if I give you 20 bucks that you can help me out. And she was like, oh, yeah, right now. Oh, wow. Wow. And I was like, uh, not in front of everyone. She's like, OK, whatever. What do you want? I was like, oh, I don't maybe it's in the bathroom. So I go to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet. I was super nervous. This is so fucking gross. I'm telling the story. I sat on the toilet. I just told you. Yeah, but yours is fun and mine's sad.

That's both sad. Well, here we go. I sat on the toilet. And she's like, go on the sink. Like sit on the sink. So I sat on the sink and I pull my pants down. And she goes to give me a blowjob. And I stopped her. How many dicks did she suck that night? I don't know. I got nervous. Can you get AIDS from a blowjob? Can you? I don't think you can. Maybe. I think it's like 1% or something. Well, I didn't want to be the 1%.

I don't want to be the one guy that was like, mom, dad. Okay. I got aged from a blowjob at a hooker at school. Yeah. Like, think about that funeral. I know. He was a good man. What year was it, too? 2003. Oh, yeah. Well, you could have survived. Yeah, yeah. We had medication. You could have taken the Michael- Still nervous. What's this? The Magic Johnson fucking shit? Money. He had money. Oh, that's true. So I just said, can you, what if you, my friend said you'll- What?

Jerk me off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like, oh, okay, whatever. She couldn't have cared less. Yeah. So she started pulling on my dick. Yeah. No condom? Is there a condom on? No. Okay. No. That's why I got nervous. I didn't want the blowjob. So she's just pulling on me, pulling on me, pulling on me. And I was so in my head nervous. Yeah. You didn't come? I went soft. Oh, that's the saddest story. Get ready. She kept going.

She just kept pulling on it soft for like maybe four or five minutes. That's so sad. And then I said, I got to go. I have to go. I have to go. That's your story? That was my prostitute story. It's the saddest story I've ever heard. There's no ending. There was. I left. I know, but that's not – it's like a soft ending. It was very soft. Yeah. It's like – You asked. You wanted to know. It's like the movie Sixth Sense without revealing that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.

She's dead now, if that helps. The prostitute is? Yeah. Wow. Only one time you've had it. Yeah, that's such a scary idea. Really? You're not scared of it? You know, it's funny. So many penises. So many penises they've had. Yeah, but if you protect yourself, it's like, you know. I know. I just, you know, I want to be the only bell at the ball. Listen, I understand. Okay, listen. There are times when I do think back at my life.

And go, why did you behave like that? I don't want to punish myself for seedy behavior. Yeah. Right? You shouldn't. I don't really. But there is some shame associated to it. Because I'll tell a story on a podcast and I can read the room. Yeah. And the room going, oh. You know what I mean? And then me going, oh my god. I am a weird guy, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm a weird guy? Yeah, but it's a good thing. We wouldn't have had that Beirut story. We would have just had a story about a guy getting jerked off in a frat room and his penis went soft. You know how much that hurt my feelings?

I thought from that day forward I was never going to get an erection again. I went soft while a good-looking girl tugged on my penis. Yeah. I got so scared. Yeah, but I understand because when there's adrenaline and pressure— I was so scared. Yeah, sometimes you want to be relaxed. And she wasn't even looking at me while she was doing it, which was even more weird. Yeah. I mean, I have to justify my Beirut thing. I don't know if I would have done that if I was able to jerk off, but I couldn't remember for a month—

over a month. Yeah. Right? So it was just all pinned up in me and I, you know. I felt so much peer pressure. For me, it was more peer pressure. Yeah. Like it would be cool to get a... Dude, I've lost my erection in front of prostitutes all the time. Oh, really? I think it's happened like nine times in my life. Okay. What's your total prostitute number? Me? Yeah. Be honest. As close as you can mentally because I know you probably forget some. I'm going to give you the most honest answer I can. Usually I exaggerate or I fumble the numbers, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Over 300. What? Prostitutes? Not sexual partners. Women that you paid for sex. Yeah. And I don't mean 300 times. I mean 300 different women. Yeah. What do you mean? Huh? That's a lot. That's a heavy amount. It's not a lot? No. I think that's a lot. It's not. It's not? No.

Not 300 times. I understand the English language. So I don't mean how many times you had sex. I understand the English language, and I'm telling you right now, I've had sex with... What are you Googling? What the fuck are you Googling? What's the average amount of prostitutes men get? Percentage of men by country who pay for sex. Just because I want to see the average. I mean, Cambodia is...

Killing it. Killing it. Yeah. Wow. So United States ranks 3, 4, 5, 6, 7th. About 20% of men here get prostitutes. 80% of men in Cambodia get prostitutes. And what's the – listen. But I want to know the national average of number of prostitutes per man. Cambodian men are quite ready to admit they seek the favors of prostitutes. Let's see what the United States says down here.

Why are we doing this? I just want to – I mean it's like I try to – I'm honest with you and then now you're putting facts and trying to rub it in my fucking face. I'm curious to know if that's an average number. I was trying to be up – I was just honest with you, okay? How much – so how much money do you think you spent? I don't – thousands of thousands and thousands of dollars probably. What's the average cost of a prostitute? I want to say this, okay, that I don't look like you.

What's the average cost? Look at me right now, you white piece of shit. Look at me. I don't look like you. I grew up, I'm older than, okay. What's the average cost of a prostitute? 2006, it was about $340. 2014, it was $260. I guess that's not that bad. So you haven't spent that much. What's the most you've spent? Well, there was a girl in Vegas that I'd spent $1,000 a pop. $1,000 per time? Mm-hmm. How many times did you pop? 12 times probably.

Over a series of six, seven years, yeah. Oh, so every time you went to Vegas, you would see her? Yeah. And you gave her around $12,000? Maybe. Hmm. That's not—well, yeah. If you got it, you got it. I mean, that's just a little bit more than the Go Bananas guy gave you, I guess.

Yeah. That's wild. But look at me. Look at me when I say this. I don't give a fuck. Look at me. I'm not judging. I don't care. It's fine. I'm just – I didn't know 300 sounds like a lot. Yeah. It just sounds like a lot. It may not be a lot. But okay, I'm 48. Yeah. All right. And also you have to understand that –

In the 80s, when I was a young man, I graduated high school in 1990. Wow. I was in all these unrequited love situations.

Where I would have a crush on a girl. I would do everything I can for them to like me. I would stay in these friendships with them for six months to a year. Even when they would date other guys? And they would date other dudes. And I'd stick around. I hate that. And be their friend and supportive. Meanwhile, I'm so jealous. And I don't know what to do because I feel so... I had this negative...

The image of me sexually, I just – when I looked in the mirror, I didn't get who I was. I don't like that. That's mean. That's just sad. So my point is I can name you the women, Ashley Brown, Rebecca Dreskin, Anna Bieldenus. I was just in these relationships where it's just like – I was in a room with a girl while she was fucking another guy at a party. Cucking. And I loved her. Cucking. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you watch? Yeah. I didn't watch. I was just laying down next to them. So that's who I was. You laid down next to her and she had sex with you? On another bed, but it was in the same room. And I remember pretending to sleep. And I know that she's fucking this other guy. Wow. Right? And so when you're in these situations. You listened to the whole thing?

You didn't say anything? When I watch a movie, I'll watch the complete movie even if I don't like it. This is a really sad movie. I just saw Trolls, that cartoon movie. What a good film. At any point during the movie, did a troll fuck another troll in front of another troll? So you had all this damage. Yeah, and also I had this poor self-image. I was sober. I was going to A meetings. The first woman that ever had sex with me really –

that wanted to have sex with me is when I was 23. I had prostitutes before that when I was 17. I'd been doing that. But I remember it distinctly. I was dooring at the Comedy Store in La Jolla. Time out. The prostitutes before that were Tijuana? Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. I just wanted reference. I feel so shameful about this whole thing. Why? You shouldn't feel any shame at all. I've talked about it before. It's way back there. It's in the past. Who cares?

Okay. I remember it. I was dooring on a Saturday night. Yeah. And there was a white chick in the front row. And back then, if you were a doorman at the comedy store on a Saturday, you get to host one of the shows. Right. There's two doormen. I think they still do that. They might. Yeah. So I always did the second show. And I remember having a – that was a new comic, but I accidentally had a really good set. And then it was when Princess Diana died.

Oh, how fun. That was so good. And there was a girl that was visibly, beautiful girl, that was visibly shaken by Princess Diana. She was crying. Oh, shit. I go, why are you crying? You know when the showroom is leaving? Right. Because I had to close out the show. So imagine, she's in the front row. I get off stage. The showroom's getting up. And we just kind of get...

bundled together and I just go why are you crying she's like it's a die thing it's really and I go oh I hope you have I rubbed her back and I said I hope you have a good you know what I mean and I hope you feel better you know like some incel fucking desperate bullshit shit you know right and then I'm fucking cleaning toilets you know what I mean afterwards at the store with a mop you know what I mean and Fred Burns Lee the manager of the club

I go, what? You have a phone call. And I go, hello. And she goes, hey, I was that girl that was that you said about the princess died. I go, yeah. Did you lose your wallet? What? She's not. You want to hook up? I go, what? What do you mean? A job offer? Like I had no idea. Right. And the next thing I know, two days later, I'm 69 in her mom's closet in Oceanside, California.

I'm literally her ass. I'm eating her pussy, right? How fun. And I'm in a closet and I'm looking up and I couldn't believe it. How old are you? 23.

And then from then on, right, I used – so that's when all the prostitution stopped for me. When you got a real girl. No, when I started doing stand-up. Right. And then once stand-up happened, like I did Frank Caliendo's podcast yesterday and a bunch of guys were like, you always got hot chicks. Yeah, since I've been doing stand-up. Right, before that. No way. Because I didn't have a voice or had no confidence whatsoever.

I don't know who – I was always this weird Korean dude. You know me, the way I talk, the way I am. Imagine not having comedy as your backup, your foundation, and just me being me but being a busboy at P.F. Chang's. You'd be like, that's unfuckable. But someone's for everybody.

You see some really ugly people. I'm not ugly. I'm cute as fuck. But my point is that – You said you felt ugly. I felt it. But then by doing comedy and then when you get successful and things happen, you slowly have a different image of yourself. Right. And then all of a sudden – I honestly feel as sexy as Chris D'Elia or anybody else. You do? I do. Your sex level is as high as that guy's?

No, not in terms of ratio, you know what I mean? But what I'm saying in terms of how I feel about myself is like that. That's great. I don't look in the mirror and go anymore like, oh, look at this fucking weirdo. I go, yeah. You go, fuck yeah. Yeah. Wow. And that's because for over 20 years, I've been doing this. That's a great place to be. And I've built my confidence up and I've –

You feel comfortable. That's what it is. I'm not just comfortable. I feel like— But do you ever look at Kalilah naked when you're naked? Ugh, get out of here. She can't hear this stuff. Yes, she can. Do you guys ever see each other naked? Do you ever look at her naked and you're like, wow? And then do you ever have a moment of like, oh, boy. Oh, boy what? Because you look at you and you're just different. Never. Never? No. Because she's in phenomenal shape. No. I mean, the other day, she wasn't there, but—

I was a wreck and I just pulled my dick out in front of her. Just in the broad daylight. Right. You know what I mean? Right. What did she do? I sent you the photo. Right. I do remember that photo. She sent me the photo too. I know she did. Yeah, you both did. You both sent me the photo. Look, I wasn't criticizing the prostitute thing. I'd like to know. If the fans want to answer how many prostitutes they've had, that'd be kind of nice. I wonder. I don't advocate anybody doing that. Yeah. Right? But, you know. Why not?

But if you're in unrequited relationships all the time, right, and sex becomes – especially when you're a young man in your early 20s and it becomes – you know what I mean? Such a – you build it up, right? Yeah. And you make it like your number one priority. It's the only thing that matters. Right? What I did was I – somebody, this old guy once told me that prostitution is a launching pad.

And I go, prostitution is a launching pad. Yeah, I feel like that phrase isn't over. It is over. Yeah, I know. I mean, it's like something else needs to be. And then I go – I asked him, and he goes, yeah, just because once you start having sex, right, it doesn't become as important, right? And it will ease you into other relationships. You'll be more comfortable. More comfortable. Basically, it's training wheels for sex. Yeah, it's also –

It's like if you're already having it, then it doesn't become as – you know what I mean? Did you ever fall in love with a prostitute? Did you ever catch feelings? No. You never caught feelings once? No. Never once did you go, man, I really actually kind of like this girl? No. Did they ever catch feelings for you? Did you ever have one that was kind of attached to you and wanted to see you a lot? I've had women that should be prostitutes that have had feelings for me. You know what I mean? Yeah. I've had some weird –

Relationships. I've had some weird shit, man. Yeah? Yeah, like, I can't say her name, but there was this girl that used to work at the comedy store, like, hang out at the comedy store. Mm-hmm. And, like, for years, I hit on her. When I was around? No. Okay. Before your time. And then the time I hooked up with her, she bit my fucking thigh so hard. While she was, like, after she was blowing you? Like, she was kissing me, and then she just bit me so fucking hard here that it started bleeding. Yeah.

I still came. Sure. Afterwards. But then afterwards, I was like, what the fuck? She was like, I was just into it. After I came. Yeah. Right? So I was doing it and bleeding. You know what I mean? And she's doing it. Why did you do that? You know? And so, you know, just weird shit, you know? Yeah. You've been through it all. Oh, my God. I'm just so fascinated. I want to know. I want to know, like, how the...

I just want to know how that world works where you get comfortable with prostitutes. Because isn't it uncomfortable? No. Not even a little bit? No. What if you're afraid of the cops? Are you afraid of getting caught? What if it's a sting? You know they have those bust operations you've ever seen on shows? It's like a fat bald guy and the prostitute's in a wig. It's so obviously not a real prostitute. And they're next door in a motel and they're like, we're going to bust this fat fuck. That's what happened to me with Mike Young. And they kick—what, what, what?

You and Mike. I never told you that? No. Oh, fuck, man. What happened? So one night, it was like we're at the comedy store and it's three in the morning. Okay. Yeah. This is probably in 2001. Okay. Okay. 2000. Yeah. And we were looking through the LA Weekly or whatever, or the LA We Read or whatever it's called. Right. Where they have the prostitutes. Yeah. And we're like, how much money do you have? And I had just booked a commercial. Yeah.

And the commercial money had just came in. Yeah, what was the commercial? It was El Pollo Loco. So El Pollo Loco got you some pussy. Where I had to dance like a chicken in the middle of the street. It was one of those commercials where...

Where like, you know, it's just everyday life, right? Yeah. Where the cop pulls over. You know what I mean? The kid from the fucking bench gets up. The cop gets out of the car. You know what I mean? People just start wandering the street. And we all start doing the chicken dancing in the street. And I remember I lived in Silver Lake. And I remember the cholos, right? Yeah. Would see me and go, hey, there's the guy. And they would do the chicken dancing. It was so sad. Yeah. No, that's wonderful. But so –

Yeah, so one night we look at the – LA Weekly. Whatever it is, and we find a girl, and we call it. And there was a hotel on Sunset, like a Best Western. Yeah, it's a Best Western right there. And so she says, yeah, we're here. This is where we're at, this room. It's like right across the street. Right. And Mike and I go over there, and we see the room, and then we see –

The curtain opened, and you could see two men in the curtain. White dudes, right? Older. Look up, and then when they kind of see us, and they put the shade back down. Right? Why are you rolling your eyes? No, no, I'm saying because you know what's going on. So I'm like, what the fuck? Shady. And Mike goes, I'm out. I'm not. We got to try. Right? Yeah. And he goes, well, then you do it. So he sat on the sunset. Yeah.

I walked up there. I knocked on the door, and there was a woman there. She was Latino, a little older, and she did not look like a prostitute. She was wearing a robe, and she kind of looked like a congresswoman. That's what she looked like. And I go, are you a cop? And she just looked at me, and I just walked away. She didn't say a word? No. Yeah, goodbye. Crazy. You almost got fucking busted. Could you imagine what that does?

Getting caught with that? I mean, fuck your name. That would fuck you up. Yeah, yeah. I think that would have fucked me up at that time. That would fuck you up. Yeah, yeah. Like, had you been on Mad? I think I was just on it, yeah. I think that would have been bad. That would have stung so bad. Yeah. So do you ever think about that when you got prostitutes back in the day? Do you think about cops or no? But you think, okay, number one, all right, I had never gotten an LA-1. The only way we would do, I can't say the names.

But we would do lunch runs. What do you mean? So I would have – When you were working at the club? No, there would be comics that would call where you would text. Yeah. And they would say, lunch run, right? Yeah. And you always knew what lunch run meant. Yeah, hookers. Right. Right. So there was a place in the city of industry, right? So sad. Called Hawaii Theater. Oof. The best. Sounds terrible. It's terrible. Yeah. Yeah.

And you walk in the Hawaii theater and it's black boxy kind of, you know? Yeah. But there's like a nice stage with bamboo. Right. And coconuts, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Dangling. Yeah. And it's like this makeshift kind of strip club. But it was a, you know, a brothel. And it had been there for years. Like people knew about that, but it's no longer there. Right. But so we would either go there or we would go to Mexico or I would do it in –

Las Vegas. Vegas is the most common. Yeah. But Vegas feels forceful because it's a part of the game out there. Who cares, dude? It's a business exchange. Sure. But to get – look, to get caught and get in the paper and have your name and all that stuff, that's just – It's legal, right, in Vegas? In Nevada. Yeah, not in the city. That's right. Yeah, but it's – So I got taken by somebody who I won't mention to a –

I got taken by to a really nice nightclub, right? Strip club. Yeah. Trip club, nightclub, whatever. Vegas is all the same. And someone I'm with is jokingly saying like, he's on a TV show. Oh. And this is when I first did I'm Dying Up Here, the first season. And she's like, you know, these two really beautiful women are all around us, all this stuff. And they have a table. And they're both like, come upstairs with us. And they're prettier than any of the girls. They're like the two hottest girls.

And I go upstairs and, you know, I'm up there and I'm thinking, oh, they're just going to give me a double dance. It'll be fun. You know, I'm getting a dance and I'm going to do it. Is your wife going to be mad at this? No. OK. No, it's fine. Strip clubs are fine. So it's like they're getting a dance. I'm thinking, OK. And then the one girl's like, hey, you want to have like real fun? And I was like, this is fun. This seems like real fun. Yeah. And she's like, no, no, no. Fuck that shit. Like, we know you're on TV. He told us so-and-so told us like you're a TV. You got money. Let's have some fun. Let's fucking spend some money. Who gives a shit?

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And she goes, look, a thousand dollars for both of us and anal. Oh, they have to throw in the fucking. They tossed in anal. I know. Like it was tire shine. Like it was like. Or it's like, you know, those. Like it was like. Yeah. Add in. Yeah. They added. And if you buy now, you can get another one for free. For 1999, you also get the buy. Yeah. Yeah. So she, she said, and anal. And I said, oh no, I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to have sex. And she was like, come on, come on, come on. And I go, I just want dances. I went, so I give him a couple hundred dollars.

I'm getting a dance, getting dancers, keep dancing. They keep bugging me for it, bugging me for it, bugging me for it. And then finally she like grabs my dick and she's like, let's go. Don't be such a fucking pussy. And I was like, I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to have sex with you guys. I don't want to, I'm sorry, man. I don't want to. Now, when I said that, go ahead. What?

Now, if it was, like, if you weren't married. If I was single? And you were single. No, still no. And they weren't prostitutes, would you have fucked them on regular style? Well, yeah. Okay. If I was single and it was two girls in a club. Yeah, yeah, all right, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But by the way, in a Vegas thing, that would have been prostitutes no matter what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they would have fucked and they would have been like, we need some money. And then they'd be like, what are you talking about? And then a big black guy would have walked in and be like, they need their money.

Yeah, yeah. And I would have been like, oh, shit. Okay, here's the money. No, but I just, I didn't, I was like, no, I'm out. But when I said, I don't want to have sex, because you can't say that you can't use that language at strip clubs. You know that, right? Once you start talking about expletives, then they're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Right. You have to use code. Right, right. So they stood up and freaked out and left the room. And then one of the bouncer guys, one of the big black dudes, walks in. He's like, let's go. You out. Let's go. To you? Yeah, and they kicked me the fuck out. Oh, my God.

Because I would – I mean they were like strong-arming me to fuck. And I was like I don't want to – I don't want to – I mean I wanted to. But I wasn't – you know what I mean? I was like of course I want to fuck these two trash bags. But like no, of course – no, I don't want to. No, thank you. But $1,000 for two plus the butts is pretty nice, isn't it? One time I was in the Bellagio and I masturbated just in the middle of the casino. What? And I remember Ike Barinholtz grabbing my hair and dragging me out of the casino. Were you wasted?

So I had been sober for 12 years. Yeah. And then I had relapsed when I got on Mad TV. In Vegas? Well, no, not in Vegas. Why were you going to Vegas? Because a bunch of Mad TV people went out there. Okay. Right? And, you know, I had never done ecstasy before. Oh, so fun. Right? Yeah. After 12 years of sobriety, I had never done it. So I did it, and I just found myself just wanting to masturbate in public. Huh. Yeah, yeah. And then I remember him dragging me by my hair.

To get you out of the hotel? To get me out of the hotel. Were you still jerking off as he dragged you? I think my pants were like... It'd be so funny if he's just like... What a crazy fucking city, man. So you watch 90 Day Fiancé? Love.

Alright, so when we watch it, I always tell her, right? Because you know Ed and Rose. Love Ed. Right, Ed and Rose. I always tell fucking her, I go, you're fucking lucky, aren't you? Yeah. Right? You could have been Rose. Yeah, you could have been fucking Rose. Did you see the pictures of Ed when he was young? No. Was he hot? What? Was he hot? Dude. Let me see. Ed from 90 Day Fiance when he was young. If you guys know what I'm talking about, he's mayonnaise head. He got, they call him mayo head. Mayo head, yeah. Look at this. This is Ed when he was young.

They posted these pictures online. This is him when he was young. Look at that. Good looking dude right there, right? There's two more that are- Yeah, but the neck is- Hold on. There's two. Those aren't the ones that- Let me see the neck. Hold on. Hold on. Well, this is him. Look at this is him- With mayo head. This is Big Ed putting mayo in his fucking hair. That's mayo head Ed. Yeah. Look at that neck. Yeah. It's as if like he got into a car accident and his head hit the windshield and it didn't break. Yeah.

You know, like it just squished him down. Yeah. But look, there's there's I want to find these young pictures. They got revealed online. Somebody that he's friends with on his personal Facebook page apparently put up these old photos. Look, look, look. This is him right there. That's it right there. Look at this. Look at that fucking photo of this guy. Oh, shit. Hold on. Look at how good looking he is right there. You're right. Is he good looking? Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Good looking back then. Yeah, dude. That's a good looking fucking guy.

It surprised the shit out of me. That's the same guy. That's the same guy. Wow. Right? And then this is him too. They have one more. Wow. One more. He's holding his daughter in one of these when she's young. Yeah. There it is. And look at that. Yeah. The neck isn't as bad. By the way, we shouldn't make too... But look at his legs though. Well, look at him now. Yeah. This is what I look like when I'm taking a shit. Yeah. When I'm taking a shit, that's what I look like. Sweating, straining, folding. This is also what my penis looks like when I get out of water.

You know what's sad about that show? It's the catfish ones. Like that black lady. So many of them are catfish. Yolanda. Oh, my God. And her boyfriend's name is, it's like a plural. It's like Matthews. Yeah, Matthews. What is it? Williams. Williams. It's not William. It's Williams. Yeah. Or that one guy that went to the Ukraine, right? Seven years he hadn't met the woman.

Seven fucking years he still thinks she's coming out of the woodwork. This guy's never met this girl and seven years later he thinks she's going to show up. He spent $100,000 on just a fucking site. Yeah. Yep. Right? No video. No videos. Right? Only chat. Only chat. Only chat. Yeah, only chat. If I was his friend. But here's the problem. You can't tell a guy like that. Yeah, you can. You can't. Oh, yeah, you can. No, because a guy like that thinks there's hope. No, no, no.

What would you say? I'm him. Ready? Yeah. Okay. I'm him. Ready? What's up, Bob? You wanted to meet today? Yeah, dude. Number one, all right? I don't even know why I'm friends with you, dude. What? We've been friends since we were in high school. I understand that, but we're friends, right? Are we not? We're best buds as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, and I love you, right? I love you, too. Right.

See this on my hand? Yeah. It's called a gun. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Why do you have that? If you get on that fucking flight, I'm going to fucking kill you, dude. All right. Got to catch my flight. I mean, somebody's got to talk sense. He doesn't have family members to pin him down and go. Here's the problem. Bro. These guys never had anything. They never had any. They never had love. So they think this could be the one. These guys never had a normal interaction with a woman. This guy thinks this is the one time he's going to finally win.

That's heartbreaking. It's so fucking heartbreaking, but I can't not stop watching. I have to watch. I have to watch him fail. And you know who my favorite, you know when they watch when they- Because we're not caught up, so we're only, how many episodes? We're only four episodes in. Okay, well, how about this? You know there's another show where they watch the other members, past members watch the show from bed. You've seen that, right? Yeah, I've seen that. Yeah, yeah. And then my favorite one is, I can't remember, he's the fat Buddha belly guy, and she's the Filipino girl that's like-

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I've seen that movie. They're my fucking – she makes me laugh so hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She has a good comment for everything. The show is phenomenal. If you haven't seen it, people at home, you should watch it. You should watch it, yeah. We're totally caught up with – this guy too. All these guys are – I feel bad for almost everybody. Okay, so that guy right there, right? Yeah, this guy that goes to Moscow. His whole claim is like, I think she's using me. That's – yes. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry. That's the fucking exchange. That's the show. We all know what this exchange is, right? I can't get, you know what I mean? I can't get what I need. Need here. You can't get what you need. You want to come here, right? Swap it up. We fuck. Swap it up. We fuck.

You give me puss puss, right? I'll give you a card. Citizenship. Citizenship. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, well, that's like we don't care in America when an old guy dates a young woman. It's the same thing. It's a trade-off. Yeah. They get what they need. I don't think it's right. I don't think – I think that this dude right here, especially the Russian guy, that he can get girls here. Well, so what is his deal then? Why does he – because he's good looking. Is this guy good looking? No? No.

Yeah, yeah. Look at her face. No, but he's not ugly. No, he's not ugly. He's okay. He's okay? Yeah, he's okay. Yeah, but he's not ugly. There was a girl in his hometown that she's like, yeah, I mean, what's wrong with me? And he's like, I'm gay. And I have to run away because I have to hide the fact that I'm gay. Or no, it's just that it's too easy. No, I don't think that's it. I think he's got some weird... He needs a... I think he needs a... He needs a Russian. He needs a control thing.

She gets here, right? That's very bright. Yeah. It's a control thing. It's a control thing. Yeah. The other girl is a real relationship. She can leave at any time. Right.

This guy gets this girl to America. She's stuck. They're stuck. Yeah. By the way, to go through this process. Yeah. They have to live together for a certain amount of time. They have to prove that they're staying together for a certain amount of time. Otherwise, she loses citizenship. So he knows and she knows they both have to weigh all these like elements out. She's not dumb. So she's like, I still want to get to the States. I don't care what it takes. He can be like, well, I might get drunk and hit her one time. She can't leave. Yeah. She can't leave.

Especially, I wanted to tell her through the screen, it's like, it's not as if he lives in Nashville. Where does he live? He lives in Tennessee, but like... In the boondocks. A little bit. Yeah. Right? So I wanted to say that, you know what I mean? Lady, it's just woods out there. That's where he can kill you. Yeah. This is the girl that you were talking about.

That's right. I always look at fucking Juliana. Yeah, Jules kind of looks like Rose. And I go, you got here, right, without any of this shit. Yeah. You should be grateful. Are you grateful? Yeah. That's pretty impressive. That does kind of look like you a little bit.

Yeah. When you smile, let me see your smile. Look at that smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do that same face that she's doing. There it is. That's it right there. Yeah. Yeah. But the thing is, like this too, it's like when he was asking her about like, I want you to take an STD test. Yeah, he asked her. He wanted to get tested. Bro, you haven't had pussy in a decade. Get a little bump that's on your dick. Who cares? Who fucking cares? A couple of bumps and an itch.

Also, an STD test, he goes, I want you to take an STD test to make sure that you weren't with other partners or whatever. How about you take a test because you're naked like that? I was just going to say, what if he— Yeah, you take the test, fucker. Yeah, you take the test. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you look like this. But also, why wouldn't you just—if she said no, if he said, well, do you know about your sexual status? If she said no, why wouldn't you just go, well, we'll just wear a condom then? And if she was like, I don't want to wear a condom, then just go, okay, well, then we should just get tested. No. No.

Fuck her. No condom. I'm agreeing. I'm saying if it was that big of a deal to this guy, what was he scared of? When you look like that, right, and you have a 23-year-old girl. Mayo Ed. Throw the dice. I like the guy. I got to tell you. I do like him. I'm not being too mean. He's a very likable guy. The whole show is filled with very fun, lovable people. Yeah. I just feel bad sometimes for Rose.

I know. I feel bad for these girls because I know when he goes to kiss her, it gave me the chills. It's like when a serial killer pets the victim's head before they kill him. It gave me chills in my chest. Yeah, it's also like I feel bad when she's on the bottom and he's on top and she wants to put his – she goes, I want to put my hand around his neck. He asks her. Put your hands around my body. Yeah.

And she can't. She doesn't know which part is what. I can't do this. I can't. Because his neck and his stomach are the exact same. I can't. You're a bowling pin. Yeah. Wow. Hey, do you want to hear our boy Andres? He has got material. Do you want to hear it? Yeah. Oh, he's unavailable. Wow. Yeah. That's a ton of the nerve out of this guy. Yeah. Let's call this moron and see what he's got to say for himself. Unavailable, huh? Look at how nervous you're going to make him. Bob, yell at him.

Bob. Yell at him. Yell at him. Seriously. Get really upset. Hello? Hey, dude. It's Bobby. Hey. Hey, what the fuck? Do you not work for us? Yes, I do. Then when we fucking call, you're not going to fucking pick up the fucking line, dude? What do you mean? I just... You just called. No, we tried to fucking hook up with you online to do the stand-up, dude. What the fuck, man? Huh? We're fucking shooting now, you fucking guy. Okay.

I've been here waiting since 3 staring at my computer blindly waiting for you Bobby that's what you fucking say but we fucking I mean I get it dude but you gotta be more on the ball dude okay we're just fucking around Andres

Yeah. Oh, he's sad. He made him sad. I'm sad now. Hey, Andres, we're going to do the stand-up next week. Do you want to do it this week? Okay. No, we'll do it next week because I want him to, dude. Bobby was joking around, Andres. I just want you to be more natural and not do like bum-bum-bum jokes and just talk about, you know what I mean?

Your day or whatever, you know? I have a really good set prepared for you guys. What'd he say? I don't know what he's saying. What'd you say? I have a really good set prepared for you guys. He has a good set. I want to see. I want to hear it. Keep it prepared for us. All right, let's do it. Andres, I'm going to call you and then we'll do the video, okay? Okay. You're FaceTiming me, right? I'll FaceTime you. I'll FaceTime your phone, okay? Okay. Okay. Hey, Andres. Yeah? Say I love you.

I love you guys. Okay, we'll call you right now. You really, that fucking hurt his feelings in the weirdest way. Andres the Fancy B Rosende. Okay, here we go. There he is. Look at our sweet, sweet boy. Hi, bud. Hey, buddy. Oh, we can't hear you. Why can't we hear you? Look at that hairline. Can you hear us? No. No. This is funny. Yeah. His mic is shaped like a fucking... Give us a thumbs up if you can hear us. Oh, yeah, we can't hear you, though. We can't hear you. No. I'll tell you when we can hear you.

How long do you think we could do this for? And the audience will watch us trying to connect with him. 15, 20 minutes. Do you think they're already gone? Yeah. All right. Let's okay. Oh, how about Andres? Andres, we have a fix because it's not working. So stand back a little bit and then stand right there and put the mic up to your mouth. And then we'll do a little bit. Yeah, right there. And then we'll do the jokes for you and you just mouth it. Okay. All right. Here we go. Hey, everybody. I am Andres. I'm from Spain.

How's everybody doing tonight? I hope everybody... Just keep moving your fucking mouth, Andres. How's everybody doing today? So, listen. I just got back from traveling overseas and boy are my arms tired.

And my immune system because of COVID. This guy knows, this guy, this guy in the front right here, this guy I'm pointing to right now, he knows what I'm talking about. I'm Spanish and there's difference between Spanish and Mexican. We only fry our beans once. We don't refry it twice. That was good shit. I'm sad we can't hear any of these jokes. I don't know why the mic isn't working, but we wanted to hear all these jokes you had prepared.

What happened? We can't hear you. Yeah. Poor bastard. All right. Well, anyway, good, good, good. Andrew, Andreas. Andreas, Andreas, Andreas. Hey. It's good. Let's get the fuck out of this. Thank you. Thank you. We love you. We're sorry that this didn't work. We'll get you next week. Bobby says sorry and thank you. He was kidding. Tell him you're kidding. I love you, Andreas. I really do. I love this guy. We love you, baby. He's a good dude. Bye, sweetheart. Best guy. I just, I also want to mention that. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, my agent said that we probably won't be going on the road until 2021. And how do you feel about that? Super bummed, actually. We you and I had a little talk off the air about it. I don't want to spread rumors to make people get weirded out. Yeah. But I think the truth of the the unfortunate truth of that Bob and I talked about is we were going to do shows together.

No, I mean, we had gigs lined up with Callan and Shaw and you and I. Yeah, but we were just going to do – And do a tour with just you and I. A tour with just us. And that wasn't going to be until maybe beginning of the year, next year anyway. But now it's – we're going to have to see what happens. But –

I don't know, man. I really don't think we're going to be doing anything until next year. Hey, Jules, when we do go on the road, though, you know that if him and I go on the road, that you have to go. Yeah, you're coming. You have to sell merch, and also all the fans will know who you are. Yeah, you do have to come. You have to come. Will you? We'll fly you out. We'll get you a hotel room and the whole thing. You live like a fucking queen. Yeah. You'll fly out. You'll have a nice hotel. You get to eat and drink whatever you want.

But I have school. Fuck school. That's insane. That's a fucking Z-Talk. What are you going to learn from school that you can't learn from us? Tell me something you're learning right now that you don't think I could teach you. Biology. Biology? Yeah, yeah. Chemistry. Chemistry? Biology. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bunsen burners. Biology. What are you learning right now in biology? What's one thing you're learning right now? We're learning about...

mutations gene mutation I have one red hair that's a gene mutation or fuck it watch X-Men X-Men that's another gene mutation watch X-Men and watch Planet Earth with Attenborough's David Attenborough okay so we got that covered what else we got that done history go ahead

We were learning about the Cold War. Oh, man. We were seeing – It was frozen. It was cold. That's when everything was frozen, and we were chasing the Russians because we wanted to get to the moon first, right? Watch Eastern Promises or whatever that movie is. Eastern Promises, yeah. Where they fucking stab each other in fucking spas. Yeah, you need that. What else? Is there something else you're learning? That's all. Yeah, well, covered. So you're coming with us on tour. Can she do five up top?

What, five stand-ups? If we write jokes for you, will you open the show? No. I'm just going to cry. Wait, no, you wouldn't? She won't do it. Damn. I'm just going to cry. Yeah, yeah. How about this? Get closer to the mic, Jules. Fuck. If you open the show for us, we'll give you $500. And all you have to do is walk out, open the show. How many people do you think would be in our shows? Who knows after all this fucking shit?

We could probably draw about 600, 1,000. 1,000 maybe? Who knows? Yeah. I don't know. So only 1,000 people would be there. That's not a lot. That's fine. We could do a smaller one just to try it out at first. A 250 room. Yeah, 250 or 300. Would you want to do that? $500 cash. $500.

Look at her. She's sweating. She's sweating. She's sweating. Can you let's we'll give you Bob. We'll write the joke. We'll write the joke. Yeah. You don't write the jokes. But I don't know how to how to say it and make people laugh. I know. But the thing is, is that you have to go in knowing that you're not going to get them to laugh. Right. You know, it's going to be you already know it. People are already going to know that it's going to be your first time and that they already know that. Right. So no matter what happens, who cares? Yeah. Who gives a shit? Don't you think that's fine?

Maybe. Yes! That's a yes to me. You're going to do it. You're going to fucking do it. You're going to get paid. You're going to be a performer. We could get you some spots at the store, too, eventually. No? No.

So hopefully we'll be able to go on the road soon. But if we'd go on the road in the summer, you could go on the road? God, I hope. It would be so nice. But wait a minute. Aren't you done? Isn't school done for you? No, she's in school now. No, I mean, I'm saying, but when is it over? When are you done? End of May. So May. Yeah, but in May. She's only a junior. Oh, I thought you were last year. Oh, shit. Yeah. But you're 18? Yeah.

aren't you a senior when you were 18? no but she's from the Philippines oh so you're older and cool does everybody love that in your class? is that cool that you're older than them? they don't know they don't ask about my age no? do you have a lot of good friends in school?

I don't know a lot. She's like that quiet, you know, she's that quiet, mysterious girl. She's very nice and sweet? No, she's just kind of like, you know. She's Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club. Cute. Yeah, man. Do you make any good friends in school? Do you have any good friends? I know like three people. Girls? All girls? Two guys and one girl. Jesus Christ.

Bobby, what are you letting her do? She's not. This girl is a fucking... You're not... No boys are trying to date... Are they trying to date you? No. They better not because you know Tito, you know what'll fucking happen. I'll fucking kill them. Tito will fucking murder these dudes. So the two boys and the girl, are they American or are they foreign? American. Do you have any foreign friends?

No. Good. Stay away from them. Yeah. You want to succeed in this country. Listen, don't think about it, Jules, but you will be going on the road with us when you can. No doubt. When you can, and then you'll sell merch, right? Yeah. You could tell your teacher it's like an internship. Yeah, it is. So you can get out of school. She'll do it. Because at this point, if you're going to continue to do this, right, people are going to know who you are. Yeah. And you're a part of the show now, okay? Yeah.

Yeah, because we got the vote. We got literally, there was a poll that I didn't even put up. 98.6% of people preferred you over George. No, really? Yeah. Yeah. 98.6%. 98.6%. In that seat, they said. You're doing it from now on. You know that, right? Yeah. Get closer to the mic. Yeah. All right? You're doing this from now on, right? Okay. All right, let's say, thank you for being a. Yeah. Two things. Yeah. Love you. Love you too. Thank you for being a bad friend.