Rudy's Getting Kicked Out
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Vice President Biden, quite frankly, we're a little concerned with your mental faculties because you've said some really weird stuff to the media recently. I do that to white media and black media because my wife has to go on at six o'clock. What does that have to do with race? Oh, I'm in trouble. Yeah, you are. Are you going to keep saying weird shit? I will.

Okay. Do you need help? Like, is something wrong? Do you think you got more questions? I tell it if you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump and you ain't black. I know I'm not black. What are you? What are you talking about? Losing his mind. It's funny. I posted this shit on my side. But here's the problem. Didn't like it. I'm getting so much shit for it right now for no reason. Like I knew political. It's not about I didn't do it for politics.

People are all like, oh, you're a Trump fan? Like, what, you can't make fun of Biden now? Like, what is this? What's this world? Make fun of him after he gets elected. Really? Make fun of him after he gets elected? What a bitch thing to say. You're supposed to make fun of everybody. You're a comedian.

But our intentions – And how many fucking videos online are of making fun of Trump? It's like every comic has a Trump joke, myself included. But do you understand people's mentality and their point of view and how they feel about it right now? Feel about what? About Trump and the administration and whatnot.

Do you understand how people feel about it? I don't understand. Me neither. So what are you talking about? But people do have feelings about it. I don't give a shit. Let them have their reaction. No. You have your feelings. Let them react. It's called cause and effect, baby. The point is you can make fun of— Every action, there's an equal reaction, baby. That's what they say in the fucking books, baby. You should be able to make fun of both parties. I—

I understand that. That's when you're funny. But you're still allowed to comment on shit and have an opinion. No, no, no. But when they say, like, I'm a Trump fan because of this, that's the problem with what's going on. Yeah. Okay, so when people on SNL used to make fun of Bill Clinton and they mocked him. Yeah.

So were they not Democrats then? No. The problem is in today's fucking media— But those SNL people still got negative criticism for it. You're missing the point. The point is that you have ugly, thick, Italian, red-headed eyebrows. That's the point? Yeah, and the thing is that if you post that on Instagram, people are going to comment, but that's their point of view. It is ugly, and it's thick.

But my point is, is that everyone has their own opinion, my friend. It's like this, you know, people see that I look old now. You're the dumbest friend I have. What did you just say? You sound like this guy. What guy? You sound like this guy. You sound like this. If you're black, if you're not. I will. I will. Do you need help? Is something wrong, do you think? You got more questions. I tell it if you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump and you ain't black.

If you have a problem figuring out if you're with me or Trump, then you ain't black. No, he's saying, right? If you vote for Trump, then you're not black. That's what he's saying. No, he doesn't. He knows whoever's on. You're obviously not the one he's talking to, right? Yeah, this is a dubbed video. Exactly. So I don't know who he's talking about. Then I was showing Rudy. So maybe the other guy that he's talking to isn't black. The guy that I. This is Charlemagne's video. He was black. Charlemagne's black. He might not be, though.

You're right. Inside, on the inside. You're right. Right? No, you're wrong. Okay. Charlamagne's black. On the inside. In the inside, in the outside, upside down, backwards, inside out. All right, well, you wondered that point. Upside down. Down, doing it right, doing it wrong. Upside down. I know that song. You don't know that song? Yeah, no. Boy, you turn me inside out. Doing it right. Round and round. Doing it wrong.

Doing it every way. Rudy is one week away. Rudy is going to get kicked out of the house. She's one week away from graduating school. Rudy is going to get... When she graduates, she's out of the fucking house. Let's give it up for Rudy. He's going to graduate. Rudy, yeah, clap it up. She's not going to graduate. She has another year. Graduate this year. She's going to move on from this year. She has not graduated. You're going to graduate this year, Rudy? If you're a sophomore, you're not graduating. Let's clap it up for you. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. I'll give it one clap.

All right, so I have a complaint. I have a massive complaint. All right, let's hear them, baby. My massive complaint is this, okay? Is that, you know, Rudy isn't my blood relative. Yeah, not blood, blood. Or legally or any. I, from the grace of my own heart, because I'm, you know, very Mother Teresa in that way.

I'm a bleeding heart. Empathy. You're very Mother Teresa. Empathy number one for me. You're like an old haggard bitch who never fucks. You're just like Mother Teresa. That's what you talk. Your ugly fucking eyebrows. When you talk. Look at the lack of definition in your fucking arms. I'm fat. You're a little ham hock. I'm dough. If you Mr. Potato Head appears,

A piece of ham with little fake arms. All right. So anyway, I have a bleeding heart. I'm a good dude. Yeah. Dito Bobby, can you move to the left? That's what I'm talking about. That's a part of it. That's a part of it. I told her. I said to make sure. That's a part of it. That's a part of her tone. All right. You're the best. I let her into my house. She doesn't pay for rent. Right. She doesn't pay for food.

Right. She doesn't pay for really anything, really. Well, but her physical being is worth something, correct? Her presence is definitely worth something. She's lovable, enjoyable, sweet, smart, kind, thoughtful. No, she's basically one of the people. You had Cleopatra, which is me. Okay, so you're Mother Teresa and Cleopatra? Combo, combo. A combo deal, right? So you're Cleo, Teresa. Yeah, right. And she's building the pyramids.

Oh, she – Yeah, that's – imagine Cleopatra and there's 200,000 dudes or a million dudes building – so that's who she is. Why so many dudes? I don't – because they're very complex things to build, pyramids. I built three of them in my life and they take a long – those – one boulder is heavy, very heavy. OK. Yeah, it's as heavy as Eric Griffin. Shout out.

But boom, I'm going to get a text from that. He texted me already. He goes, y'all need to stop talking about my on your podcast. I know, I know. I go, are you kidding me? We're giving you more press than anything you've ever done. Yeah. This is better than Workaholics for him. Yeah. Montez. Man, y'all, man.

Hey, Santino. Yeah, yeah. I got so many people texting me about the shit you say on our show. So, come back to me. Yeah. My turn. Yeah, yeah. Bobby's turn. So, here's a list of things. Number one, we're having dinner the other night, and she looks at me and she goes, Uncle Tito, you have to take out the trash. Was it your turn to take out the trash? Excuse me.

There is no turn. There's no turns? Everyone has a turn. It's his chore. It's your chore. No, no, it's not. No, it's a chore that was designated to me. By Kalilah. By Kalilah. Right, so it's your chore. So she thinks that Kalilah's the boss of me. And she is. She is not. I'm my own independent human being who pays my own personal taxes and whatnot. Okay, you know what it's like? Kalilah's like the McDonald's Corporation. Yeah. And you own a franchise. Yeah.

Right. So, yeah, it's yours. You get to do what you want. No, no, no. It's the reverse answer to the franchise. You cook the fries the way that they want them. OK. OK, fine. But it's not even it's not like the franchise. It's like the fucking fry guy telling me, let's say I own the fucking McDonald's fry guy. Fry guy. Fry guy telling the owner of the McDonald's restaurant. Right. Go take out the trash because corporate.

told me to tell you that. And guess what? You got to do it because corporate did say it. Fine, but let me say this, all right? There aren't a lot of shifts open for her. Oh, so she's going to get let go. There's not going to be a lot of shifts. See, there's a cause and effect like we talked about earlier. I understand. So...

So her shifts are getting tinier. So that's the number one. So she looks at me right in the eyes and goes, not in a soft, you know. Not a sweet. Sweet way. Tito Bobby, would you please take out the trash? You have to take out the trash. Like right in my fucking eyeballs. Can you say it again how you said it? Just so she can have a fucking stance on how this went down. Can you say how you said it? Yeah. Go ahead. Let's hear it. Tito Bobby, can you take out the trash tonight?

That's so nice. She's fucking 12 years old. She's 18. I know, whatever. Telling an adult? She is an adult. The guy that owns the house? She said, can you take out the trash? You could have said, you know, I can't right now, can you? And what would you have said? It's okay. It's okay! It's okay, Tito Bobby. You bend your shit, huh? You little fucking squirrel. She bends it like Beckham, baby. You bend it like Beckham, huh? That's not my only one. There's another one. What is it? Number two is...

So we're driving down the street. Okay. Right? And we see a car parked in front of the middle of the street. Yeah. I turn around mad because you can't just fucking park your car in the middle of the fucking street. No one can get through. So I had to do a U-turn. It's on your house street. And then I look at her face. All the blood from her face had gone out. She's scared. Yeah. And I'm like, what the fuck? Why? Why?

You know, sometimes people park their car in the middle of the street. Right. Ain't no big deal, baby. No big deal, baby. She goes, Uncle Tito, you know who that was? I go, no. Who was it? David Dobrik's friend. So David Dobrik. I know who he is. All right. Not him. His friend. Who was his friend? What's his name? Jason Nash and Jeff Smith.

Jason Nash is the older guy. Yeah, I like him. But she acted as if it was Barack and Michelle Obama. To her generation, it is. To that generation, they're more important than Obama. What do you know about Barack Obama? Do you know anything about him? He was the president. He has two kids. Yeah. What else? Did you know anything he stood for politically? I don't know. He was pro-choice. Yeah. Yeah.

Here we go. Now tell me about David Dobrik and Jason Nash. Look at her face light up. Look at the smile. Look at all the teeth you've ever seen. Tell me anything about them that you love. He's a famous YouTuber, and then he pranks a lot of people. Why do you like him, though? What does he do for you? He's funny. He's funny, and he's cute, and they seem nice and cool. Bigger than Barack Obama to them. Honest time.

Okay. Honest time. Let me ask you a question and you be completely and utterly honest with me. Is David, what's his name? Dobrik. Dobrik funnier than Andrew and I? Oh, well, I can tell you the answer to that. No. Lie. That's a lie. Complete lie. That's a lie. Because she's never looked at us that way. That's a lie. It's a complete lie. I know that's a lie. She's a liar. She's a fucking liar. Why did you lie?

Yeah, yeah. Ask her one more time. Let's see if she – we'll give you one more chance. To you, your own personal opinion. It's not a factual thing. It's just your opinion about it. Do you think that David Dobrik's – Dobrik? Dobrink. Is it an N?

Okay. Dobrik. David Dobrik. I'm sure he's a very talented, complex, and very diverse entertainer. He's got millions and millions of fans. I know. He's got 12 million followers. I got nothing. He's huge. He's massive. I got shit. Yeah. Right? But do you, in your heart, think that he's funnier than us?

Take a second. Don't answer right away. Because she'll only answer the answer that we want to hear. She looked away when she said it. She does, yeah. You're a fucking liar. That's number one lie they say when you look away when you lie. So look Tito Bobby in the face and say, who's funnier, Bobby and me or them? You're funnier, Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew. Oh, wow. I'm in the family. You're an uncle. I'm in the family. So wait, you really think we're funny? But you, but they're, but...

I just don't believe it. It's a lie. And she went googly-eyed. And I can hear a little... Listen. No. Yes. I heard a little... No! No! Down there, I go, what the fuck? No. And I'm like, that's wrong. She's like my sister. You can't say that. I'm not saying anything bad. I'm just saying the truth. I'm telling you what I heard.

Okay, so that's what I heard. I don't know what that was. Let's let that go. So this is the second strike. Maybe she had a runny nose. This is the second strike. What has she been doing else that's really bothering you? You make it seem like she's really in hot water. There are so many things. There are so many things, all right? Well, can I tell you, she's got me hooked on something. Let me finish the two more. I have two more, and then we'll go to the hook. I'm so excited to tell her this and share this with her. I know. You will share it to her. Okay. But let me get the next two. Okay, what are the two other things that she really fucked up? I am going to tell you right now, okay? Go ahead.

We're driving, right? We're driving down the street to pick up some food. Mendocino Farms. Terry's. Our favorite. One of our favorites. And I go, hey, you know, it's been three months. I just want an iced coffee. You haven't had iced coffee in three months? No, I haven't.

Really? No, I'm not allowed to go to Starbucks or anything like that. Damn. Be honest. Am I allowed to go there? No. You had an espresso double shot on the show last week. Yeah, but it was a canned one. I know. It was still delicious, wasn't it? It was delicious, but that's not my point. I wanted a fresh. I bought it for you. I put it in there. I know you did. Just for Bob. But...

Go, tell. So I go, hey, do you mind? She's not going to know if I swing by and get some iced coffee just between us. She goes, no, I tell Auntie Kalilah. I'll tell her. Why? We talked about this last time. Why are you going to snitch on him? Do you feel like you need to snitch? No, because it's a big thing. And Auntie Kalilah asked me if he's going to make any stupid things, then tell me. Right.

She's an honest kid. I know she's honest. But that's a point docked for you. Yeah. You don't like that. But here's the fourth one, and here's the one that makes me very worried. And I've been Googling it, and I've been calling my psychiatrist friends, and I've been... Oh, yeah. You serious? What happened? Reading some papers on it. What happened? So on her phone, her screen, you know, her wallpaper or whatever, is of a...

that she has a crush on. Who's the boy? No, just listen. She has a crush, right? And she doesn't care. You're going to piss me right off. Who's the boy? Oh, you want to get ate? Yeah. You want to get infuriated? Yeah, who's the boy? You're going to find out, my friend. Okay? Keep going. The guy that she has a crush on isn't real. It's a cartoon character. What? Who is the boy? Do you have the screenshot? Bring it up.

Who is that? Wait. Let me bring it up on the pooter so we can see. I can't see your phone. Who is it? Who is that? Kuro in Haiku. Wait, what? How do you spell that? K-U-R-R-O. R-O-O. And then just put Haiku. Yeah, like that's so funny.

K-U-R-O-O and then just spell Corgetto Tosungo. How fucking... Wait, what is it? H-A-I-K-Y-U-U. This, okay. This guy? You have a crush on this guy, right? Yeah.

He doesn't have a nose. He has a Michael Jackson nose. I know. His nose is gone. Completely gone. Why do you like this guy? Yeah. This is a sexy guy. No lips. No lips. Right? He has a lip. No, he doesn't. Where? Those are his teeth. It's a line. On other pictures. On other pictures. Okay, look at all the other pictures. These are all of them. No lips. No lips. No lips. No lips. This is bad plastic surgery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got to go on. Hit that photo.

Right, look, look. What man puts blush on? He's blushing. I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm so sad. So this is a Japanese cartoon. You obviously have a crush on Japanese boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at him. These are Japanese boys you love? He's got veneers on. Those aren't real human teeth. Oh, wow, though. Oh, look at the arms. You're right. I can see it now. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Oh. Oh. Listen, listen. He's got a long torso. Listen, listen, listen. Lower it down, lower it down, and just listen carefully. Okay, so look, you have a big crush on this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I tell you something? I'm actually quite relieved that it's not a real boy. Really? Yeah, because that's fucking weird. It is. But but you know what? As her, you know, as her interim stepfather, I just I'd rather this than a guy that she can actually have access to. Because now that she's on the gram and people know her and stuff. Are you going in your DMs? Yeah, you are. Are there guys hitting on you?

Yeah, but I don't see talk to them. Oh, you don't talk to them. What do they say? Like, you're really cute. And if you don't respond, I'm telling you, see that opened up Pandora's box. There's going to be some creepo. Are the people send you nudes pictures? They're better not be. Oh, by the way, if anybody sends Rudy a nude, listen up, do it. We're posting it. We're posting it on the show. Do it. But yeah, if you send a dick pic to her, it's going, it's getting on the show, but do it, do it.

But it's going to get on the show. Just so you know. Yeah. And we're going to have an artist paint over it. So wait, but how did this infatuation happen with this guy? What cartoon is he in? It's called Haikyuu. Haikyuu. Haikyuu. It is, although it is, you know, because of, I have to tell you. Is it in English or in Japanese? There's English subtitles. So there's Japanese and they subtitle it in English. But you can't, but he doesn't have, he only speaks in Japanese. Do you understand any of what he's saying?

Do you pick up on stuff as time goes on? Yeah. You do. See, that's how you learn Japanese. Watch. Haikyuu. I'll just tell you what the premise of Haikyuu. Guess what? You'll never believe it. Well, from this. Oh, my good God. Look at these. Look at those abs. I know. What's the premise? I mean, I don't know the premise, but it's centered around. Yeah, I know. I hate when people do that, by the way. Yeah, that's a Japanese. Yeah. Japanese thing.

Like whenever soccer players get a goal and they go to the camera and they do this. Farf. Yeah, I just want to grab the outside of their hands and just crush and just have their bones shatter into nothing. Yeah, yeah. It drives me crazy. Don't ever do that. I can't even do one. I think that's what it is. This is it, right? Yeah, yeah. They're at love. Fuck love. That's my heart lopsided. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the premise of it is volleyball.

What do you mean? That's what the show's about. They play volleyball? Yeah. She watches a cartoon. But they compete. She jerks off. She rubs her little jam jam to her fucking volleyball fucking video. Wait a minute. So the whole show is about teenagers who are in a high school volleyball team? Yeah, and competing too. Oh, they compete. Oh, so that's what makes it exciting. They're competitive. Yeah, yeah. Welcome.

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Of normal people. We've been watching normal people. I love it so much. Marianne, I love it. You don't love it? You don't love normal people? It's a great show. Do you not like it? It's a wonderful show in Ireland. And it's a love story, isn't it?

I might switch camps. It's a great... I literally might go start one with Theo Vaughan now. No, it's a great show. Because you're acting gay-like. You don't like normal people. No, I don't like. I can only do an English one. I don't like. What is it you don't like about normal people? I just don't like... It's a great show. No, it's about love and intimacy. It's about people and reactions and how they spend their whole lives together.

Oh my God. It's a great show. It really is. Can I tell you something? Yeah. The acting is phenomenal. The writing is very good. It is a love show. Yeah. And it's something I typically would hate. The only thing I don't like is watching them hook up. Yeah. Because kiddie hookup stuff. Dude, I don't like seeing adult hookup stuff. I don't get it. I don't like. They show her tits, but she has no tits. She has no tits. Hey, no tits. Hey.

No tits, hey? Yeah, yeah. But they show her... Don't ever do that again. They show her bing bings. Yeah. And they show his penis one time, didn't they? Yeah, they showed his little Irish penis, his little potato. Well, that's what Kalilah likes to show because of the fact that it's real. It seems very real. I'm not kidding. The actors, all jokes aside, they're very talented. I don't... I'm not... It feels like a real relationship. It's not like me in fucking The Wrong Missy, but it's...

the level of acting, but it's up there. Well, you know I just submitted. You know they're doing nominations for Academy Awards. I submitted you for the wrong Missy. I'm serious. I wrote it in. I'm dead serious. We should have all of our fans. Well, they can't vote. But you should write into the Academy and say why isn't... I'm tired of people shaming me, by the way. I'm tired of... I regret even bringing it up. I saw a few different comments that said, shout out to Bobby. He was underutilized and he still was funny in the movie.

That's great. Okay. That's very nice. Can I talk about a little dreadful thing that's coming up for me? Can we say one thing real fast? Go ahead. It's Brody's birthday today. Rest in peace. Can we just do that? What? I just wanted to say rest in peace, happy birthday. Did that break your heart?

Brody Stevens was a great comedian who passed away. It's his birthday today. I just wanted to say happy birthday. We love him and we miss him and that's all. I just don't do well with him specifically because it just makes me so fucking sad. I know, dude, but I just wanted to wish the guy a happy birthday. It's a comedy podcast. You shouldn't have worn that fucking shirt, man. I shouldn't have worn a shirt of a fucking fellow comedian. Yeah, because now my mood is going into a different direction. That's all. Stop it. Yeah. I miss him. I love him. We're thinking about him in positive. I miss him. I love him. Yes. Bobby Lee. Oh, yeah.

I miss him. 818 till I die. Bobby, North Korean, wrong side of the fence. Let's talk about him for a second, though. He was the fucking best. Not only that, though, if you didn't know him, he was one of those guys that it's almost as if

he wasn't in show business. That's his mentality. Like when you ran into him, he was just a regular, nice guy. Yeah, he wasn't an asshole. Very sensitive, not an asshole. No. He was always just – I've never had any kind of problem with him. No. And it is a loss to the comedy community. Yeah. I know this is mean to say, but I did say it when he died to Adam E. shortly thereafter. I said –

So many other comics could have died and I wouldn't have cared. I was like, I cared when he died. I know that's mean, but like there was other comics that if you told me they died, I'd go. I don't think so. I think that you, I think you would be heartbroken. Nah, there's some guys. No, I don't think so. There's some guys. I can't believe that. There's some guys. There really is? There's a few people. Let me see. If they died, I would go.

Would you fake though? Yeah, you have to. All right, so I'm gonna tell you. I'm a comic. All right, and I'm just gonna name up a comic that you don't like. Just a random name. This isn't real though. This is not real. No, okay. What's up? Oh, fuck, man. What's going on? You don't know, dude? No, what? What's the problem? Oh, my God. What, Bob? Tragic. David Benowitz. Died? No, I'm just... Yeah, but... It's the way he died. What happened?

He just woke up and he had an omelet. Yeah? And then the fucking, it was so sizzly. It was so hot? Yeah, just the pan he was cooking it. He was cooking an omelet on a pan and it was hot? Yeah, and then he put his elbow down on the little thing and the omelet splattered his face, but then the pan hit his face and he had a cardiac. He had a cardiac? Yeah, and he died. He died in a cardiac from a hot pan omelet? Omelet, yeah. Wow. Oh, God. No. Oh, God. That's what you would do? I'd go, oh, God.

I got to talk business about the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, you got to watch Normal People. It's so good, isn't it? Normal People. You know, forever I thought his name was Connor and then you learn his name is Connell. All right. I'm going to watch it. And I call my old man. I'm watching Attack on Titan now, but after I'm done with Attack on Titan, I'm going to watch Normal People. It's just well written, dude. All right. Very well written. Did you cry at the last?

I don't cry because I'm an empty, empty guy. I don't have anything inside of me anymore. But I get why people do cry. When's the last time you cried in a movie? In a movie? Never. I've never cried. You've never seen a movie and went, oh. No. I got a couple of movies. I mean, there's movies I've laughed so hard that it made me cry. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Where you laugh so hard that it's actually bringing you to tears. Okay, my brother and I almost died. Like Schindler's List. Schindler's List. Yeah. Yeah.

The ending is so funny. It's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so what? Yeah, movies made you. My brother and I, all right, when we saw Bullrat. Oh, my God, dude. No, but it was, we didn't really, I thought the show was stronger in terms of comedy.

But the scene where in the beginning where they were doing that race with the Jewish, the mannequin. Yes. Right? And then that race where they're running from these gigantic Jewish things. Yes. And then one lays an egg. And then the egg opens in a baby Jew. Right? Yeah. And the kids come out of nowhere and start hitting it with sticks. You know what I mean? Yes. My brother and I were in the theater.

On the floor. Yeah. Holding our sides. I had never laughed that hard in a fucking movie. I had such shock, comedy shock. Like, you know when you're laughing but you can't believe that it's happening? You're like, how are they getting – how is this happening? When he sings Throw the Jew Down the Well. Oh, my God. And he got people to go, so my country can be free. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I was laughing so hard and looking around like, how did they do this? How did he –

I remember feeling like that's the, I was like, that's the pinnacle of comedy. What's great about that song is too, in the beginning, it's a little like, it's about transportation or something. It doesn't really go into- In my country, there is problem. Problem, yeah, yeah, yeah, or something like that. And eventually it gets to- But it goes into claws. But at first it says, and the problem is transportation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're all like, oh, it's hard to get a bus. Yeah.

And the third verse, he's like, and the problem is the Jew. And everyone's like, and the problem is the Jew. And they're looking around. What a great. There's a few movies that I've laughed so hard that I've cried in, but I've never cried. Why? Have you cried from movies? Oh my God. I was, I was in a movie with, you know who Aaron Cater is? The comic? Yeah. Yeah. So Cater and I, many, many years ago, there was a movie called Taegukji. What? Yeah.

You said it like that thing that she asked me to spell. Yeah, Daegukji. Daegukji. Was there a silence? Is there silent letters? No, what? Daegukji. No, it's just, I don't know. Daegukji. Daegukji. Daegukji. It's about the Korean War. So it's in Korean. Mm-hmm.

But it's about... I'll just tell you. The movie opens up with this old man. Why are you laughing? I just see you, an old Korean guy. I just see you. This old man is just sitting in his desk or something. Smoking. No, he's just sitting there, just solemn. Yeah. And he gets a phone call. And he goes... And he goes... And they go... Right? He goes...

He said the same thing all the time. So they cut, right? And he's now at some sort of site. Like an excavation site. Oh, yeah. Right? And they dug up a skeleton of somebody holding a pen. And I guess the pen was this old man's pen. And that was his brother. And he died holding his brother's pen? Yeah. Yeah.

But then it cuts back to the Korean War, right? Jump cut. Jumps back in the past, right? And it tells – the movie is about the story of what happened. Of the pen. And basically what it is is a kid gets drafted in the Korean War and his older brother was too old to get drafted. But he went in the Korean War. Oh, he volunteered anyway. He volunteered to protect his brother through the war. And then this older brother –

Right, because... And then now, 60 years later, they find it. You know, that's the story. His other brother got killed because we won. No, we were on the same team. Fuck, fuck. The Korean War? Yeah. The South Koreans were on the same team as the Americans, you fucking twister. I thought this was a North Korean movie. No, it was... They don't make movies in North Korea. Twist, twist. That's funny to you? I know we were on this. Cheek, cheek. By the way...

It's a good time to bring up the mistake that I made. What's the mistake? Today is Memorial Day. Happy Memorial Day. Happy Memorial. What is it? Happy Memorial Day. One, two, three. Happy Memorial Day. Oh, yeah, all the soldiers. All the soldiers that have died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I threw up something on our Gramola asking for pictures of veterans. Kind of blindly just like being like, oh, yeah, throw up. We'll put up pictures on the show. Tons of people gave us photos. And I was looking at them all and it was awesome. I was like, this is so great.

And then someone commented, this is for soldiers that have passed during fighting, like during wartime, not for just veterans. And he was like, as a veteran myself, we find it disrespectful. I was like, I just I just wanted to I just wanted to paint a bit. And then people got an argument below it. And I was like, OK, I don't I was just going to. OK, sorry. So then we're done. We're not showing the photos. So thanks for the people that died. But nobody gets photos now.

Because someone ruined the party. Because I screwed up. I didn't know. I had no idea. I do know that it's memorializing the soldiers that have died, but I just thought, even if we throw veterans up there, isn't that nice? Apparently not. That's for Veterans Day only. They have their day. So I fucked up. I feel bad I fucked up. I wanted to say it out loud because I feel bad. My grandfather fought in the Korean War, but I do want to show a picture of him. Did he really fight in the Korean War? Yeah, I do. I do want to show a picture of my grandfather because he did fight in the Korean War, and he's a handsome dude.

Rest in peace, James Garrity. He's not around anymore. He's passed away. But he did fight in the Korean War. And so Bobby should respect and love this. There's my grandfather. Oh, shit. Now that right there is normal people. That's an Irish lad if I've ever seen one smoking a cigarette there. He's got his garb on there. Yeah. And that's a UFO right there. That's a UFO. That's a UFO.

Swear to God, before he died, he goes, that's a UFO. That's a fucking UFO, bro. That's a UFO, I know. Holy shit, that is one. It's a UFO. Or it's a fucking coffee stain. No, no, that's a coffee stain. Yeah. And that is literally a UFO. Or it could be a bird. I talked to my grandfather. There were no birds back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I'll be honest with you. Don't say anything fucking mean about my passed away grandfather. This is my literal hero. I'm not going to say anything mean and I don't know it. You don't know shit, so shut the fuck up. I don't know him. So shut the fuck up. If you say something fucked up, I'm going to fuck you up. I'm dead serious. Go ahead. If you say something fucked up, I'm going to beat the shit out of you and I really mean it. All right. Because he fought for our country and he's a fucking, and he's passed away. I was going to give him a compliment. Can I give him a compliment? Yes. He looks like Henry Cavill.

Ooh, Superman. Yeah. I love that. Stop there. Stop there. Stop there. Bob? Right? Bob? What the f***? Do you want me to get violent right now? For real? Say sorry and take it back right now. Say sorry and take it back right now.

Five, four, three, two, one. Don't get angry. What a hero he is. What a beautiful man. A beautiful, handsome dude. And he fought for our country, and he's the best. Does he have to take his belt buckle all the way to his nipples? That's what they did back then. That's what they did back then. I get it. Sharp-looking cat. Where's a picture of your fucking grandfather?

I have one on my Instagram. Show us. Go to the beginning. You have to scroll all the way down to the beginning of my... You want to see a man? Yeah. Go Bobby... What? Here. Look, here's Bobby Lee's grandpa. Here he is. There he is. Look at all these guys. Look at all these guys. These are all your grandpas. There's Bobby Lee's grandpa. There he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's Bobby Lee's grandpa with his best bud. Yeah.

Bobby Lee's grandpa with his best homeboy. You know, it's so funny. But those are proper eyebrows, by the way. Look at those. Trimmed. I haven't cut anything because we've been in quarantine. Have you gone anywhere and done anything? No, you just don't grow eyebrows. You look like a teenage girl who tried to thread them herself. That's what you look like, bitch. You look like you self-threaded. It's funny. It's funny. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch!

You get really sensitive, and I think that we're a comedy podcast, and I think that- What do I get sensitive about? You just get really- You have like- Your responses to things are very erratic. Yeah, we're different fucking people. We're different people. Yeah. You're lethargic and dumb, and I'm hot-headed and quick.

Also, I'm mad because you did it. Why you laugh? See, that's the thing. She loves it. Rude loves it. Yeah, she loves me getting torn apart. Yeah, because you fucking are so mean to her. You're so mean to her. Am I not nice to you, you fucking wretched little fucking twat? You wretched, ungrateful little twat. Am I not fucking nice to you? You're nice. There we go, you fuck. What percent of the time? What percent of the time is he nice? Honest, rude. Get closer to the mic because... Um...

75. 75? Oh, so 25% of the time, what do I do? You're mean, mean, mean. What do I do? You call her an ungrateful twat. No, what do I do? He punches me and kicks me. You do? Why are you kicking her? She has to learn something. She has to learn something. If you could get your own apartment here in Los Angeles, would you like that or no? Do you like living with them? I like living with them. What if we start a GoFundMe and we can get you enough money to get your own apartment? Would you like that? No. You sure? Yeah.

I'm sure. She has her own room, her own bathroom. What the fuck? What if we start a GoFundMe for you? Just so you can start waving around money at Tito Bobby so you have money. When he's like, you don't pay for food. And you're like, I got it, bitch. And put down some money. I'm not using that over her head. I'm just telling, I'm just, no, don't do that face. I'm reminding her, I'm reminding her the situation. Yeah, she knows. I don't think she does sometimes. Do you know, Rude? She does. All right, well, just, you know, next time, how about this? On the way over to,

Back home, when we get into the car, I'm going to get an iced coffee. Oh, shit. No. Yeah, and I want to see where you stand. Where your loyalty lies. Where your loyalty lies. If I don't say anything, then Atikolaila will get mad at me. How will she know? You might have to take one for the team. Oh, boy. Yeah. You might have to take one. I want to test you, woman. This is really a good... This would be an episode of Normal People. Trying to find out if Marianne is going to do the right thing or the wrong thing. Aren't you, Marianne?

For Connell? You gonna do it for Connell or for James? So you're, he's gonna get an iced coffee and you're gonna have to deal with the repercussions. Okay. If Auntie Kalilah gets mad, that's on you.

Buffy! You guys. We love Buffy. We love it. A couple of months ago, Andrew gave me a Buffy comforter. I did. And it's what we use on my master bedroom. I mean, Kalilah and I sleep on the Buffy. It is the most comfortable blanket I've ever... Does Rudy get a Buffy? She doesn't deserve one. We should get her one because she... Oh, she doesn't deserve one yet. No, no, no. You got to be of a... Yeah, that's right.

You got to deserve it. You got to be... We put just a big bamboo sheet over her on the spiky mattress. She sleeps on spikes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not with Buffy. It's very comfortable. It's wonderful. Everything is made from ultra smooth eucalyptus fiber. It's softer than cotton. I promise you, you will not sweat. You won't get too hot. You won't get too cold. It's changed my life. You're talking about comforters, pillows, sheets, the whole...

the whole nine yard, as they say. It's more earth-friendly too, by the way. It's sourced from renewable forest, consumes 10 times less water to grow, and it's an ultra-smooth, waste-free production process. Eucalyptus fiber isn't just softer than cotton, but more earth-friendly, like you just said, my red-headed freak. It's cruelty-free, it's hypoallergenic, so you're not going to get the sniffles or the nose tickles, no down feathers or animal products.

Yeah, man. Because Bubba's a big animal guy. We love animals, man. That's right. Their products have 20,000 five-star reviews. Right, Bob? It's soft. It's like angel skin, man. Angel skin. That should be their new tag. I love it. Yeah, buddy. Buffy, it's like angel skin. They're offering a free trial, free shipping, and free returns every day. We joke around a lot, but we mean it. It's so phenomenal. You have to do it. You can try it for free before you commit to buying. If you don't love it, give it back to them at no cost. No cost to you. Bubba and I will take it. $20 off your Buffy bedding. Go to

Buffy.co and enter the code. Bad friends, my friends. Once again, $20 off Buffy betting. Visit Buffy.co and enter the code. Bad friends. Yes. So everyone listening, this is a Monday. I have to really say this, okay? Yeah. Because I'm really self-conscious about it. Yeah. Okay. So this is a Monday and this Wednesday coming out is the game show. Yeah, I'm excited. The clips, by the way, look great.

Of you eating the bug was very funny. There's some really good stuff. But there are things, though, that they sent me to post that aren't funny. What do you mean? Oh, clips from the show. Yeah. That I'm like – Don't post them. I know. I'm not. But what I wanted to tell people and just be – because people are like, why are you doing television? Or like, you know, television exists.

Yeah, those kind of like little jabs. And, you know, when I did this, I did it because the people... Money. He did it because of money. Money. And that also... It's a paycheck. What do you mean? Also, you have to imagine, five days after my dad died, I'm now on the set doing this thing. Also, let's back it up. Right. And I had relapsed. You had fun doing it. My knee blew out. I was in a lot of pain as well. But...

I'm just pairing it because I don't want people to go, he's not funny, you know? You're going to be funny on it, Bob. You know you are. I don't think so. Have you seen any of it? Get closer to the mic, Jules. Yeah, I've seen one. You have? Live. She was there live. Okay. Look at me in the face. Don't pay any attention to him. Was it funny? Yeah. She closed her eyes before she said yeah. I know she did. Yeah. No.

Yeah. And then she said, no, that was the real answer that she really meant. Yeah, yeah. Damn, rude. You're mean. I'm starting to see the real you. Yeah. See, thank you. It is funny, isn't it? It is. It is. I told you. I bet you my life is funny. Anyway, people, you know. Rob Gronkowski. Yeah. Both the Williams sisters? No, just Venus. How do you know which one's which? Because one's name's Venus. I don't know. What?

They're identical twins. What if they sent in? What if one day Serena showed up? Would you have known? I don't like the Sklar brothers. Yeah, they can switch. You'd never know. Honestly, when you see the Sklar brothers, do you know which one is which? Randy and Jason, I do know who's who because I've known them long enough. I don't know Venus and Serena Williams. They could easily trick me. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know the difference, but I just assume I made an assumption. That's like a Disney thing. I hope they like one day Serena was like, I'll go in for you. Yeah. Who was the better tennis player? Venus, right?

I think Serena was more of a – but I don't want to say that. I'm stupid. I don't know tennis. But – They're from Los Angeles. But like – I'm going to get in trouble for saying this, but – Yeah, yes. I'm going to get in real big trouble. But I think Serena was offered first, and she didn't want to do it. So she gave it to Venus. So I think Venus is doing – but check this out. You know I wasn't the first offer. You weren't the first guy they – the first Korean guy they picked? But it broke my heart when I heard that. Why does it matter if you got the job?

You don't want to be first choice? You don't want to be first choice? You want to be fifth choice? I don't care. Be honest with me. I don't care. All right, so I want to say this. I don't care. Why would you care? Who cares? It's your job. You ended up with the job. All right, so I'm going to ask you this. I did a bad TV show, a terrible TV show, multiple of them, but I did one in Las Vegas called Sin City Saints. Yeah. I auditioned to be...

An ancillary character. And then they were like, well, what if you try the main role, the lead role? And then I tried it and I got it. I wasn't there. They didn't want me. I wasn't their choice. And it ended up working out. I don't I don't care. That story has nothing to do with my story. Same kind of thing. It wasn't for me. They didn't want me at all. They didn't even audition me for it. It just so happened to work out that they were like, well, maybe you should try it. And I tried it and it worked. Happens all the time.

That people get roles that I would love to get and they get them before me or, and I'm fifth in line. This has happened to me a thousand times where they go, yeah, they're waiting. You know, I just, you know, sometimes I would, sometimes I wish I,

Sometimes I wish you were on my side. But I can't be. Sometimes I wish that you were my friend. I am. Sometimes I wish that you were my foundation. I can't be. Sometimes I wish that you were my love. No, wait. Sometimes I wish that you suck my dick. I won't. Sometimes I wish that you tighten your ass. I will. I wish you would go on your belly.

Sometimes. You know what that song was? That was our rendition of Baby It's Cold Outside. I know. You know? I really can't say. You're right. You're right. You know what? You just twisted my mind around. Baby, it's a cold outside. What did I twist your mind around? You're right. I shouldn't be sensitive about it. Yeah. Is the show not funny? I don't think it, for me, I think the show's great. I don't think that I'm great on it. Why? Why do you say that?

Because I was there and there were so many moments where they were like, don't say that. You can't say that. Or I would say a joke. It would completely eat it. And I was a little confused. Also, I was like not eating and sleeping and I was high all the time. It was a bad time. The show is great. The people are great in there. And I think that – and then maybe they'll cut around it and maybe it will look good. I don't know. I think it will look great. Okay. How about this? I promise you. It will be great. Okay. You take my word for it?

I was just staring at you manifest all that stuff and talk about it. And I thought in my head, I'm going to watch it. It's going to be good. I'm going to smile and I'm going to call you to tell you that it's good. And you're not going to pick up. And I won't leave a voicemail because I don't want to. If we're true friends, though, if we're true friends, number one, will you watch it? I will. Because I saw every episode of Davey. You did not. Is he lying? Did he watch my show, Dave? I don't know. Yeah. She doesn't know.

She doesn't know. Davey's great. Did you really watch it? FX. I think you're full of shit. I did see it. I think you're full of shit. You were very good. You saw every single episode. You're his friend in it. You saw every episode? Uh-huh. Do you mean it? No. You're lying. I don't even know where to find it. So you're lying to me. I lie. But will you watch this show and tell me the truth? Wait, you just said that you didn't watch my show. I know. Because I'm trying to get you to watch it. Right. You didn't watch any episodes of my show? Who are you calling? Nobody. Did you watch any of my show? Not one? I saw their ads.

You're good in the ads. They put you in some of the ads. They put me in some of the ads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're real good in the ads. There's one where you're sitting down talking to Davey and going... What do I say in the ad? You're like... You don't even watch the ads. Oh, yeah, I don't understand why this situation is happening. Something like that. Who are you calling? Davey? No. Okay. I call Kalilah. I'm telling her you're going to get an iced coffee. Oh, if you did that... I would never. It would cause a war. She would get so fucking mad. I would never do that to you. Yeah, she would be mad.

Look, I will watch the show. It will be good. I promise. All right, that's it. That's all. Let's move on from it. Let's talk about how much TV has changed. Let me show you a clip somebody sent me, and I thought this was fucking knockout, one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Look at how great this is. This is this guy, IG Jozu Intern, Twitter put this up. Look at how fucking great this is. I don't know what year this is from, but this is MTV2. We got to celebrate.

That does not offend me.

It shouldn't. I love it. Yeah, it's not. It's funny. If television was like that, I would watch it again. But I got to tell you. Yeah. OK, you're you're saying that as an Asian person is not offensive to you, but I'm sure other Asians are offended. And I'm sure I think this is radically offensive for black people.

You don't think this ooga booga boo? Oh, you're the ching chong ching, ching chong ching. It's fucking not fucking. No, because that's what you guys sound like. I bet you money if Ian Edwards was here. He would go like this. And he would go. Here, I'll tell you. Exactly. After you play it, he'd go. That's ridiculous.

I know. It's ridiculous. Man, y'all crazy. Yeah, but I think that if Gabriel Iglesias or George Lopez saw the Mexican thing, that we would all laugh in the same room. I bet you most black people wouldn't think that's funny. It probably isn't. No, that's fucking racist. That's racist as shit. I just didn't realize that there was a bone sticking out of their fucking nose. And this was, by the way, this was my first acting gig. I've never...

They sent us that. I thought that was so fucking funny. That's amazing. That was really on MTV? I don't know. This could have been a sketch that somebody made, but kudos to whoever made it. And this guy's Instagram and Twitter is up there, obviously. Yeah. Shout out to him if he made it. That's very fucking, that's a good manipulation. But it does look like a commercial that would have been on MTV too back then, you know? Yeah. Like this looks like. Celebrate our differences. Ching chong ching chong ching. Ching chong ching chong.

We got to celebrate our differences. We got to celebrate our differences. Nacho taco chimichanga. When the whole world sings together. The nacho taco chimichanga makes me know it's a sketch. Do you know what I mean? Like I know it's fake. It's got to be fake. Whoever wrote that had a problem with black people, I think.

I think when he wrote it, the black one was maybe... Somebody else wrote it. The black one wasn't as harsh. And somebody in the room went, nah, dude, put the bone in the nose. That's so bad. And make it real. But the ching chong ching chong is still so sweet. Yeah. Listen how sweet these guys sound when they say this. Ching chong ching chong ching. Ching chong ching chong chong. Ching chong ching chong ching. Ching chong ching chong chong. It's so catchy. That's why I think that...

That's a catchy – that's, you know, it's not that bad. Do you think a show could survive out there if we went – we did a show like this, completely the opposite end of the spectrum? If we did like racially insensitive material? So insensitive like that, right? Yeah. People know that they're coming to watch, right? Sure. You have a sketch show of five people.

Right. One of every race. Yeah. We get the funniest black guy, me, you, right? Yeah. And a couple of others, right? And we just did a fucking offensive shit. An offensive sketch show. It's actually very smart.

But we went more offensive than this. No, no, I'm saying, but it's smart. If we got somebody from every race to be kind of the lead sketch writer of that sketch and we just participated in their sketch. Yes. Yeah, that could be cool. Like if a black guy wrote the black sketch. Yeah. And we're just participants in the sketch. It's got to be ethnic appropriate writers. Totally. Yeah. I think that, let's try it. That would break ground. Why are you smiling? Because it's a great idea. Yeah, I think we should try. But you have to write the most offensive version. Oh, I already can do it.

Well, you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did for years on MADtv. You did the most racist shit you could do. First of all, I didn't... So many of your Asian characters were just so fucking racist. They were all that. Yeah, but I went... But I wanted to do, like, Johnny Gone. Yeah. I wanted to do the craziest... Because...

There was a lot of Asian actors at the time who goes, I refuse to do an Asian accent. Well, yeah, because it was a fucking – I understand that. But I was like – because this is the kind of shit that they're writing for us. But I went, you know what? Hold up a second. Let me put my fucking two cents in the fucking bucket. Right? Let's do this. Go the other way. Right. So that's essentially what I want to do. Yeah. You did a good job. You know what? You're really making me mad today. Shut up. Shut up.

Watch Bobby's show premiering on NBC. What is it called, by the way? It's called Game On. Game On. Yeah. Game On on NBC featuring Bob Lee, one of the Williams sisters. Game On. I bet you it's going to be really good. Hey, do you know any—this reminds me of that, of the sketch idea. Do you know—do you remember any old when we were kids like racist street jokes?

What's the most racist street joke? You know, like the cheap, shitty street jokes? Well, I know gay street jokes. I don't know a lot of racist ones. You know the old joke, you know the old like a blank, a blank, and a blank walk into a bar? Yeah, I have a couple of those. Give me the walk into a bar. But I don't have the racial ones. I have gay ones. You don't have any racial ones? No, I never found those that funny. Look at this one. A black guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, get the fuck out. Get it? Say it again.

I didn't get it. I honestly didn't get it. Say it again. I think I missed it. So let me just... A black guy walks into a bar. Okay, let me just say it. Yeah. Is this what you said? A black guy walks into a bar. Yeah. And the bartender says, get out? Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. Yeah. And then the black guy, what happens? He leaves. And then what happens? The bartender... Where's the funny? It's been... The bartender continues to serve the whites in the bar. Oh! Ha ha ha ha!

I get it. It's a bar in Boston. Yeah, it's good. It's a bar in Boston. Yeah. It's every bar. Sorry. It's every bar in Boston. I like – do you like – I like really clean ones. Can't take credit for that joke by the way. No, these are street jokes. I like really clean ones. Grasshopper walks into a bar. You know that one? Mm-hmm. You like that one? Mm-hmm. All right. Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, hey, we have a drink named after you. And the grasshopper says, you have a drink named Steve?

That's so stupid. That's so stupid. I like stupid shit like that. Yeah, that's funny. There's a lot of dumb ones like that. So this kid, right, is in the middle of the street on a gigantic wooden box, right? Have you heard this one? No. Right? And he's on the wooden box and he's jumping up and down, right? 16. 16.

16. 16. 16. 16. This man walks across the street and goes, hey, kid, what are you doing? Kid goes, oh, my God, this is so fun. You got to try it, sir. It doesn't seem fun. Trust me. Do it. Right? So the old man, okay, I'll try. He gets up there. 16, right? And he pulls the box underneath the old man. And the old man falls into a manhole. And the kid goes, 17. 17.

That's a great joke. Thank you. That's really good. Not yours. It's a street joke. You know, I got so many. Give me another street joke. I'm trying to think of one that's actually good. I told you one. I think I told one on this podcast already. Yeah. But I'll tell it again because it's my favorite old joke. My friend Elliot Haggerty told it to me. British guy. And he says, two blokes. I love doing it in his accent because it's bad. Two blokes, two blokes, two gay guys flying back on a midnight flight.

to London from New York in the middle of the flight her boyfriend turns to the other boyfriend and says oi fuck me and the first one says I'm not gonna that's crazy I'm fucking an airplane fuck people all over he goes come on fuck me I'm not gonna and he goes everyone's sleeping he goes watch he stands up and he goes oi can I borrow a pencil and nobody moves he turns to his boyfriend he goes see everyone's sleeping and he goes say it louder then

Stands up and he goes, Oi! Can I borrow a pencil? Nobody moves. Nobody blinks an eye. There's his boyfriend. He goes, Good now then? He goes, Alright, hop on. So they fuck, right? The plane lands in London next day. Everyone's de-boarding the plane except for one man. One row behind where the two boyfriends were sitting. And he's sitting there wide-eyed in shock. And he's got throw-up all over his chest. He's got vomit all over his chest. Wide-eyed in shock. And the flight attendant says, Sir...

What happened? Are you okay? And he goes, I don't know. And he goes, why wouldn't you say something? Why wouldn't you yell out to someone, alert someone that you'd gotten sick? And he goes, yell out and say something. In the middle of the flight, a bloke stood up and asked for a pencil. And then another bloke fucked him in the ass. That's one of my favorite three jokes. That's a long one. It's a good joke. I have the longest joke with no payoff. Yeah, give it to me.

All right, but it's so long. Yeah, but go. And the payoff is so bad. I don't care. Oh, you want to hear it? Yeah. Okay. This joke is about a magician named Antonio the Magnificent. Antonio the Magnificent. He was a gigantic Vegas star. Sold out shows. The best magician in the universe. David Copperfield had nothing on this guy, right? He did four shows a night. Sell out every show. But now he's getting old.

He wants to retire. So he decides to have his final show in Vegas. And he wanted to create the most magnificent magic trick that no one's ever seen. So he spends a week thinking about it, brings in a crew, they create it. And so he goes, I've got it down. So he has his final show. And at the end of his show, right?

He goes, for my final trick, no one's ever done this before in human history. And this is the greatest magic trick ever, but I need a volunteer, right? Can I have the strongest man in the audience help me come up on stage and volunteer for this trick, right? And no one raises their hand. And he goes, come on, somebody! The strongest man, please! And in the fifth row, this six-foot-nine guy

300-pound, yoked, southern guy, Billy Bob. He slowly raises his hand. I can try. Right? I'll do it. Right? So Billy Bob walks on stage. He's shy. He hasn't been in front of a crowd before, right? What do you want me to do, you know? And Antonio goes, do you see that metal bat there? Billy Bob goes, Billy Bob goes.

Yeah, I see the middle bat. Pick that middle bat up. And he hit me in the face as hard as you can. Right? Billy Bob whispers to him. He goes, hey, man, I'm really strong. I'm going to really hurt you. Like you could die. And Antonio goes, don't worry about it, Billy Bob. I'm a magician. I'm the greatest magician. Just do it. Billy Bob goes, all right. So Billy picks up the bat. He cocks back. He swings it at Antonio's face.

It hits him in the forehead. Antonio's face opens up a little, lets squirt his eyes roll back. He goes into a standing convulsion. Yeah. He falls on his back and he starts convulsing, right? And he slips right into a coma. Right? So cut to, right? You're gonna hit

What is it? I'm going to get to it. I told you it's the longest joke ever. I know, I know. So cut to, right? Antonio is in the hospital. He's at life support. Yeah. Right? He's in a coma, right? Billy Bob feels so bad. He quits his job. He's from Georgia, right? He quits his job. A little backstory. Yeah. Right? He quits his job and he decides, you know what? I'm going to visit Antonio. Yeah.

every single day until he gets out of this coma right right so every day he comes sits next to Antonio's side right a year goes by okay are you okay I don't know why this is so dumb so a year goes by right and the doctor comes in and goes I'm sorry Billy Bob but

We're going to have to take Antonio off of life support. There's no sign, right? And Billy Bob goes, are you sure, doctor? And then Billy Bob looks at Antonio's fingers. Have you heard this show before? No. Right. And he looks at Antonio's pinky and it's moving, right?

And Billy Bob goes, look, doctor, his pinky's moving. Right? And doctor goes, oh, that is a sign. So maybe we won't take him off for life support. A month goes by. Doctor comes back in and goes, I'm sorry, Billy Bob, but one pinky isn't, you know, a sign. We're going to have to take him a lot. But he goes, Billy Bob, look, his other pinky. And lo and behold –

Lumbar hold, right? Both pinkies are moving. Both pinkies are moving, right? Doctor goes, fine. Next month goes fine, right? Another finger. The ring finger. The ring finger, right? So as months goes by, the same thing happens every month. Doctor comes in and a new finger is moving, right? Eventually, right? All the fingers. Got it. Right? And so the doctor comes in and goes...

I'm sorry, Billy Bob, even though all his fingers are moving, right? It doesn't mean, right, that, you know, he's reviving or, right? We're going to take him off of life support. Yeah, we got to let him go. It's been 10 fucking months. We got to let him go. Of this crazy shit, right? And Billy goes, okay. And he looks down at Antonio. And all of a sudden, Antonio's eyes kind of flutter like this. And it opens, right? Right. Right.

And Billy Bob goes, doctor, doctor, his eyes are open. And the doctor goes, are you sure? And Antonio looks at the doctor, then looks at Antonio and goes, ta-da! Oh my God. No. Ta-da! Rudy?

That was a great joke, Bo. I don't know why that joke. I love that joke. Ta-da. Ta-da is the punchline. Can I give you one more street joke? Is it long? It's just bad. No, it's really bad and short. These are all bad. Yeah. A guy goes into the doctor, right? And he has a massively long penis. Huge. It's fucking huge.

And he walks in the doctor and the doctor says, what seems to be the problem? And he says, I've got to get some help. I can't finish the sentence. And the doctor says, well, maybe you just have a really tremendous stutter. We'll do some research on you. And they do some research on him and they find out.

all of the blood that should be rushing to his brain is rushing to his big, big penis. The doctor says to the big penis man, he says, I'm going to have to remove a big chunk of your penis. You know, you've got too much dick and we're going to take away a lot of it. We're going to take a lot of it, but you're still going to be left with a fine penis. It's just, it needs the blood to get back to your brain. It's all stick to your penis. And the man says, well, well, well, well, you got it, got it, got it. And so they, so the doctor says, okay,

So they cut off the man's penis and they cut it down to less than half, right? Yeah. And they put the rest of the penis aside. Yeah. Okay. And the guy leaves, right? And a month goes by and he comes back into the doctor. He says, doc...

I can't live like this. You need to give me my penis back. You need to reattach the other part of my penis because now I have this small penis and I don't like it and my stutter is gone, but I just, I just, I can't get laid and girls think my penis looks weird and I wish it was back to the way it was. And it was even better than even though I didn't, you know, had sex that much and I couldn't really finish the sentence, but it didn't really matter because now girls don't want to sleep with me at all. So you got to attach my penis back. And the doctor says, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

He surgically put his penis back on. That's real good. The doctor took his penis, dude. Wow. The doctor took his penis. That's really good. I want to say to Rudy and all the other graduates of the 2020 class, because she's graduating her grade, congratulations. Congratulations to everybody that's graduating. Really happy for you guys. You did it. College is not going to be worth it. You're going to spend a lot of money, and Bernie's not going to pay for it, so guess what? Welcome to the real world, bitch. I have to admit that, did you see Keenan Ivory Wayne's

speech on his speech on what? commencement speech? it is so fucking funny at the end I don't know where Kalilah found it but it was so fucking funny Kenan Ivory Wayne's message maybe that's it let's hear his graduation message the ending is the good payoff it's only two minutes hi everybody this is Kenan Ivory Wayne I just want to say congratulations to the class of 2020

I know this sucks. You worked your ass off and now you don't even get to walk. But that's what makes you the greatest generation of this new millennium. In the face of a global pandemic, you stayed focused, continue to work hard and achieve your goals. That's the kind of leaders we're going to need in the future. I wish you guys all the best. Keep striving. Keep smiling. It's really nice.

That's so funny. It's very funny. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. That's a great bit. It's a great bit. And which kid was that? That's his son. How many does he have? 52. There's so many Wayneses. There's so many Waynes. They're all nice, too. Damon Waynes Jr. had hit me up about something on Twitter. And I said, will you make me a William...

a Wayne's now and he said you're in so I'm an honorary Wayne oh shit I'm in I want to be a Wayne's can't do it

Can't do it. I love that guy. Damon Wayans Jr.? Yeah. They're all great. I haven't met one that's not nice. I've never met a Wayans where I went, fuck that guy. No, they're all so nice. It's crazy. Yeah, they're so nice. And they're so successful too. It's annoying. Yeah, they're amazing people. Very funny people. I remember watching Damon Wayans, his first HBO special, thinking that it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. I mean, if you look back now, I mean, I've been in comedy for a very long time. Very, very long time.

Well, not that long. How long have you been in comedy? Over 20 years. How long? Over 20 years. How long? How long? 24 years. Wow. Yeah. How long do you think I've been in comedy for? 12 years. 14. 14 years. Fourth of July will be my 14th birthday of comedy. I moved here on the 4th of July. Isn't it amazing? Yeah. Congratulations for not quitting. What the fuck does that mean? That you wanted me to quit? Did you think I was going to quit? I didn't think you had the backbone. You don't think I have the backbone? No.

Yeah, because there's a lot of – You don't think I have the backbone. There's a lot of sacrifice that you need to have, and I didn't think you could sacrifice. But you did. What was the sacrifice you don't think I could have sacrificed? Just the years of not getting paid, the years of slowly climbing up the system. That's a difficult thing to – I thought that you were weak in that way, but you weren't. So that's my bad. You thought I was weak in that way. I just didn't think you had the resolve to do it. Why? What would have given you that impression? Yeah.

You're just Hey guys You know what I mean I was like Dad that guy's not That's me I'm hey guys That's me Well whatever What's up fellas This is me Hey guys Something like that Okay this is you Alright anyway Anyway Okay So this week Our special guest is back Andres lit us up Two weeks ago His jokes were really good Making fun of you and me They're pretty good They're pretty good Yeah Let's call the kid And see what he's got

He may have something good. He may have nothing. You never know with him. He's a fancy bee. Fancy bee! Fancy bee! Our special guest is Andres the Fancy Bee Rosende. We're excited. He's going to be giving us his stand-up comedy stylings, and if he's good enough, he's going to open for me and Bobo when we go back on the road. You ready? You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Let's hear it, sweetheart. Okay. Wait a second. I'm ready. Yeah? Wait a second. He has to wear his dice jacket.

What's up? Is that a rack of DVDs back there or is that books? Oh, shit. Oh! What's up, motherfuckers? You guys keep coming back for more, huh? I guess you really need some talent on this show. Who produces this shit, by the way? Has anyone seen George? No one's missing him? How bad do you have to suck at your job?

that you get replaced by a high school girl and the show gets better. And it's not even a master degree, right? In what? Laughing too hard? Wow. It was so loud in there that the neighbors called animal control because they thought you guys have a hyena in the room. George reminds me that I keep him home alone. If he grew up to have the animal control.

He wants to be a comedian. Oh, yeah. He really wants to do stand-up. Your comedic inspiration is Donnie Kruger. Because you suck, but you don't know how much you suck. Learn from me. My comedian inspiration? Freddy Kruger. Because I kill every time. Even in your dreams. Anyway...

So let's talk to someone else. Who else is here? Oh, yeah. Let's go to our favorite mute of bad friends. Rose. Hey, Rose. What a journey you had. You left Mayo Head Head for this shit?

I know, look, Rose or Jules or Rudy, you have more nicknames than words you have said in this show. He laughs at himself. It looks like you auditioning for The Quiet Place every time. And still, you got more lines in than Bobby in The Wrong Business. Oh, he takes out the mic, he's slapping it, he loves it. Wow. What? You're saying something, Jules? You have to speak into the mic.

You know who that might grow? Like Andrew Abbott is picking on the set of The Disaster Artist. You're angry. I can tell you. Because it smells like George's breath, which smells like balls. Because he sucks so much of it. Jules, I wanted to understand your struggles. So I saw 90 Days P.S.A. Rose's dad lives on a pig farm.

So how did you manage to find the only place in America that is more than living with a pig? Living with Bobby Lee? So what is the American dream? Cleaning millionaires' houses. That sounds more like the Mexican dream to me. Yeah, I sympathize. I also came here looking for the American dream. But mine doesn't include a knife in each hand. You have some psycho dreams, girl. Living with Bobby Lee is like living with a puppy.

Except you can probably train a puppy. You can play more video games than in real life. You came here as a teenager and now you have to raise one. Wow.

Anyway, that's all I got for you guys. Yeah. Hey, let's heckle you. Now we get to heckle you. Sure did. Yeah. Yeah, look at it. What's up, Pablo Espresso Bar? I like that jean jacket. Whose is that? Tell me that's your girlfriend's. This? Yeah. No, this is George's.

That's even better. All right, see you. Andres. Great job, buddy. We love you. We love you very much. Bye, buddy. Real fun, bud. You're the best. Bye. What a champ. What a guy. Love him. Ripped you apart, Jules. Jules, are you mad about that? No? You like that? You're going to do stand-up too, right? We got to get some jokes for her. I know. If we wrote you jokes, will you tell it? I don't know. Get closer to the mic, Jules.

I don't know. How about this? You should. You'd love it. Here's the thing. Because she did something for her school the other day. What did you do for your school? She had to do a video thing for her school. Look at her. Look at her face now, right? What was it? And I'm like, can I see it? She's like, no.

She won't let me watch anything. Well, because you're probably going to be judgmental about it, she's afraid, huh? No, I'm not going to be judgmental. Look at how mad she is that I brought it up. What was the thing you had to do for school? It's like a one-man show. Wait, like a monologue? Yeah. Do you have it? Yeah, but I'm not proud of it. Can we see it? No. Come on. No, I'm not proud of it. Rudy, please. It's really bad. Rudy, please. No. How about this? Why don't you just show us? We won't air it. Yeah, we won't air it. We'll cut it out.

I love what I'm saying alright how about this everyone has a price how much money does Tito Bobby need to pay you to show it no $1000 $1000 $1000 $1500 $2000 you won't do it for $2000 $5000 holy shit

But she was in a play, though, when the school, before the pandemic, she was in a play. What was it called? Something Rotten.

You don't know the name of the thing you were in? It's Something Rotten. Oh, it's called Something Rotten. And then she had to take tap dancing lessons. She's hating this right now. Right. So can you show some tap dancing moves? You took lessons. Yeah, but I was at the beginner's level. Show me the beginning moves. You know the beginning moves. Yeah.

I'm not good at it, though. It doesn't matter. It's not the point, Rudy. See, here's what I'm trying to get her to do. She... Come out of her shell. Not come out of her shell. She's so afraid of embarrassing herself or how she's going to look and stuff. But what I'm telling her is... Yeah, but she's in that age range. Yeah, but I'm... What I'm saying is that when you go out... People...

People are successful not because of their college education. Generally, people are successful because of communication skills. We know dudes that have no fucking education at all, but they can make a living just by the way they can communicate. Yeah, sure. And so I'm telling her that that's the key to success is to learn how to communicate and to take risks and to be bold. Yeah.

And you're not, you're just in your shell. You're in your shell. And we want to get you. So on this show, I think that this is a great opportunity for us to set up situations for you to say things and to perform, you know, and if you don't like them, we can always cut it out, you know? But we won't. Yeah, we won't. Yeah, we're going to leave it. We will leave it for sure. Right. So we're going to give you an assignment for next week. Yeah, next week. So what's the assignment?

I want you to make a... Have her sing something. I want you to make a tap dancing video for... If you don't want to sing, you don't have to, but a tap dancing video for us, an instructional video for me and Tito to learn how to tap dance because we want to. We talked about it a bunch. Yeah. So I'm going to tape it on my iPhone. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to tape you

Right, and we're going to do Juliana's tap dancing beginner's course. And some of the excerpts from something, what was it called? Something's Rotten. Something's Rotten. Okay. Can you do the steps from Something's Rotten? I wasn't part of the dance. I was part of the thing. Why did you take tap then? For the callbacks. Oh. You didn't get the part where you had the tap dance. Yeah.

So you have lines in this play? Hey, that's okay. We don't get a lot of stuff. And we get callbacks and we don't get a lot of stuff. Sometimes we're in second position. But did you have lines in the show? I think so. Okay. Will you do some of the lines in the show? No, it was only one line. Can you do the one line? I forgot. Okay.

one line and you forgot it you can't remember a line do your one line from fucking uh forget a wrong missy uh um do your line um mr and mrs something you have a reservation i don't know yeah so i guess it is easy to forget one line huh no i guess that's it you forgot one line that's fine that happens we gotta do something like will you karaoke something next week yeah she will

Okay. We'll do live karaoke. That's the homework assignment is you have to think about what you want to present to the show next week because the fans want to see it. The fans love you. Yeah. The fans absolutely adore you. They actually, a lot of fans love the Andreas bit. A lot of them don't like Andreas doing standup. I love it. I don't care. Yeah. There's never really been anything negative about Jules on the, on the, they love her and they should.

And they should because she's the best. But if they're sending dirty DMs, we're going to dig into those DMs. And if you're showing your pip-pip, we're going to— Also this. She had to create a different Instagram account because her private one— Got hacked? No. How many people are following you on your private one? Like 900. So you have 900 on your private one, and you have 10,000 on— Not 10. 8. 8,000 on the Rudy one. 10,000 on that one? Almost? Yeah. Wow. Luckily.

We're going to get you to $100,000. $100,000. But the thing is – I just said it again. You've said it all podcast. The thing is? It's the thing you do. That's part of it. How about – But you say it a lot. No, every time I say it, I owe somebody money.

I don't want to say it anymore. Can that be a thing? Yeah. I want to do a charity thing. Okay. I'm going to bring in a bucket. Yeah. And every time you say something, you have to put in a dollar. And I'm going to tell you. Because I'm trying to get out of that. Start bringing singles. I'll bring singles. And what charity are we going to donate to? Probably the Comedy Store Fund. No. No. Something like real, like Children's Hospital or something. Children's Hospital. What's a charity? Pneumonia. Is there a charity that you know that you like, Jules?

She's already in her head now. Look at her. Well, because she's pissed off that you talked about the tap dancing and now everybody knows. Yeah, yeah. We're going to find that video whether you like it or not. It's going to go up on the show. She's so angry. Yep. It's going to get hundreds of thousands of eyeballs watching you tap dance. Oh, there's no video. Oh, there will be. Tito Bobby's going to make a video. And guess what? You don't want to tap? You don't want to make the video?

Out on the street. There's a nice bridge. There's a nice bridge down the street you can sleep under. It's a nice overpass. Are you prepared for that? You're gonna get involved one way or another, Missy. Mm-hmm. All right? I'm tired of your fucking bullshit. You're gonna get involved. Yep. All right? Yep. Yeah. All right. Thank you for being a bad friend.