Rudy's Fantastic Fail
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Scary Times USA. We did a live. It was really great. So much fun. Yeah, you have to check it out, man. You have to check it out. A lot of people think it might be up on YouTube. It's not. It's only going to be at moment.co slash bad friends. The link is in the description. For 11 days, that's all we got left. We have hoodies and shirts and stuff that's only custom for that. This was one of the most fun live episodes, interactive with fans that we've done. We're going to keep doing them. We love them. But in 11 days, gone.

Gone forever. Gone forever. So go to moment.co slash bad friends. Watch it. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Does a bee have a dick? Does it? Yes. Male bees, also known as drones, have a penis or penis. Ha ha.

They got a penis. It gets ripped out. What? What? His penis is doomed to be ripped out from his body along with his intestines when he goes looking for love. So the moment he has sex, penis gone.

Wow, one and done. That's why they're very faithful. Yeah. During the mating flight, several male bees called drones will be selected from thousands of others in their colony to mount the virgin queen bee mid-flight. So they all... Oh, so she's a skank. So she takes it from all these bees? Yeah. They give it to her and then they die. You don't have to raise your hand. What's up? We're like professors at a college.

Yes, young lady? Rudy, please. There's a video on TikTok about a girl that banged 101 men. Okay, that has nothing to do with bees. Queen Bee. Oh. Is that her name, Queen Bee? It should be. Wait a minute. There's a woman who's banged 101 men what? What? In her lifetime? No, like once. In one sitting? In one day. Yeah, I mean, those are called gangbangs. Not gangbangs. What do they call them? Yeah, gangbangs. Gangbang, yeah. No, that's more than a gangbang. 101 guys? One day. Okay.

That's a small colony. I never get invited to those parties. Do you? I did get invited, but I couldn't make it. Can I be 102? Imagine being 102. A woman films aftermath of sleeping with 101 men in just 14 hours. Wow. You gotta be exhausted. Yeah. You gotta be exhausted. Would you rather be 102 or one? How much would I have to pay you to sleep in that bed when it's done with 101 guys? I mean, honestly, for one night, would you sleep in that bed?

after a hundred if i was in the thing yeah no no no is it yeah yeah i'm not gonna sleep there if i'm like i wasn't like they're like you're not a part of it how funny though and then i'm like i yeah that's a good fantasy football punishment you lose in your fantasy league you gotta sleep in the bed of 101 uh 101 dudes aftermath zoom in a little bit that is awful who litter is that orgy yeah clean up after right yeah

You're just throwing paper towels and ketchup packets and like, what the fuck is going on here, dude? You called. What? Yeah, you would. Oh, yeah, I'm eating chicken and stuff? Yeah, I'm eating fried chicken. Well, you have to wait in line. She's pretty hot. What are you going to do in line? Well, you'd be on your phone the whole time. Yeah, I'd be like, TikToking, scrolling, fried chicken, right? Imagine if it's your turn to get up there and gangbanger and you're like, dude, I am so close to finishing this no-coup. I have to finish this. And then guess what else I'm eating? Huh? Blue Chew. Yes, you are.

She's actually very chewing it. She's pretty hot. Yeah, but you know what's so crazy? Yeah about this is you just called me out a week ago about this about being too like a clean freak You know me I'd be waiting in line for the gangbang cleaning up after everybody. Oh, I know you guys Please don't leave all this at your house. Oh Paul my god. Yeah, that's why we don't host gangbangs anymore Wait, so she's an OnlyFans curl. Her name is Lily Phillips. Yeah, I

And she's so 101 guys in one day. Is she setting a, is this at least a record? No, there's no way. Yeah. I don't think that's a record. Yeah. I think somebody did that a thousand times in 14 hours. Oh, not in 14 hours. I don't know. That's so much. I mean, because technically they don't have to come. So you could just have, no, I would do what I would do is I'd lay there. I go just one pump.

So I can just get through everyone. That's okay. One pump. And then you would have to use a condom, right? I would fucking hope so. What? 101 guys. I would hope you'd wrap it up. The girl said she didn't need like an STD test to prove that they're clean. What? They did not? Yeah. And did they wear a condom? You get first priority if you have like a...

like a proof, but you don't need it. They have a fast pass like Disneyland. Wow. Front of the line. What? The way they fast pass and then also, you know, they also have the fast pass. They have kids in wheelchairs that go next to it. Yeah. Those guys get to the front as well. Or do they have to wait in line? Well, for military first. Yeah. Yeah. We're boarding military. Why does military get to go for them? Well, military and what is it? People who need more time to board. Yeah. Let them go first in the gangbang. Yeah. And then we'll get to first class. And the elderly. Oh,

Oh, they got to come on. Gramps. Let's go. I can't wait to peel your pussy to pieces. Yeah. So wait a minute, dude. Look, I just did the math because I'm stupid. 101 guys in 14 hours, seven guys an hour, seven an hour. Wow. That's almost two guys every 15 minutes. So they are. Yeah. It must have sounded like a construction zone next door. Yeah. People would be like, what's going on over there? Which I don't know. I mean, I just I don't know. I just wouldn't be able to get it up. I don't think.

Look, if I got a terminal illness, I'm going to tell my wife, I got to leave you and I got to go join this world's greatest gangbang. I got to go. One time I was at an audition, okay? Now this is how the Hollywood stuff starts. Here we go. I was in an audition and I walk in and it was all, like it was Finesse Mitchell, Eric Griffin, like all my friends.

And we were high-fiving, right? We were making each other laugh, right? And then all of a sudden I hear somebody go, okay, Bobby. And I ate that audition so bad. It was fucking bad. The same thing's going to happen at that fucking gangbang. Oh, you're going to fuck. I'm going to fuck around, right? What's up, dude? You know what I mean? Great movie or whatever, right? You did a great job or whatever, right? And then as soon as my name's called, I'm going to walk in there and it's going to be completely dead. Nothing's going to work.

I don't know, man. I would have to maybe... You'd get nervous. I would grab a breast. Gotta. No. I wonder what her rules... I would try to get it going. You know what I mean? So I would grab a breast and I would probably always go, are you okay? Right. Is everything okay? You wouldn't ask? I'd be the first guy. I'd be the one guy who kisses her.

And she's like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to foreplay a little bit. A little foreplay. The world's biggest gangbang, by the way, was a Hollywood studio, Annabelle Chong, one of ours. Look at that. Oh, Annabelle Chong. 300 men. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, this is the best part. It said the participants were far fewer than advertised, so she only got to get to 251. Let's be nice. That's still incredible. Wow. Can we see a picture of Annabelle Chong, please? Mm-hmm.

It was in 95. That's in 1995? And she's where? Scroll down a little bit. Where's she from? Grace, her born University of Southern California. She went to USC. She's from Singapore. Wow. Hey. What does she look like now? Guess who's going to Singapore? Bobby. Yeah, yeah. Annabelle, if you're still working, Bob and I are coming with the Bad Friends crew. We'd love to meet you. What does she look like now? Animal tongue now.

I mean. Yeah, yeah. Oh, still pretty good. Oh, she's pretty. Yeah. Wow. She's known professionally as Annabelle Chong as a Singaporean former pornographic actress who became famous after starring in an adult film that was performed by the world's biggest gangbang. So she's no longer working, but she's running like a shop somewhere. She's probably just doing like a clothing store. Oh, she's 52, Bob. Chong's dong. Oh, wow. Younger than you. Yeah.

The queen of gangbang is younger than you. That's how you know you're getting older. Yeah. Rudy, what's been going on with you? I failed an exam. Oh, great. That's fantastic. What? That's bad? I'm clapping. That's good. No, I said that's fantastic. You have to fail in order to learn how to win. To learn how to win. That's right. What did you, which one? Wait, wait, wait.

- Let's guess. - Well, ask me some of the questions that's on the exam, maybe I can answer them. - I don't even know, that's why I failed. - Wait, wait, you don't know what topic it was? What the subject matter was? - It's like DNA transcript. - Here we go, I'm the expert of DNA, go ahead, ask me. - Biology, you failed biology, right? - Microbiology. - Microbiology. - Give me just any question that they might have.

Are you fucking kidding me? You don't even know one question on the exam? She said she failed. How many questions are there? There were 50 questions. You don't know one? Oh my God. It's like about transcription, like DNA replication. Can you talk us about DNA replication? That's what I'm saying. Okay, here you go, Bob. What's the difference between bacteria and viruses? Well, they're amoebas. I mean, one has an amoeba. Fail. I'm not done. Well, you're done. You're failed.

- No, I'm not, can I finish? - Yeah, please. - You know what, you're so rude. - Thank you. - Dude, you know what I realized about you Tuesday when we did the live show, dude? You're a little cocky.

I'm cocky? Yeah. How? A little bit like confident and sure of yourself. People see that. That's what the audience said. Remember when they said that? People see it. People see it, right? That I'm confident? Yeah. What do they say Tuesday night? Why are we bringing this up? Just starting a war. What do they say Tuesday night? They asked Andrew if he was better than me. Are you arrogant or you think you're better than me? That's what I'm getting at. You know what I mean? And I want you to lower it.

No, I don't think I'm better than anybody except for you. See, that's what I'm saying. It's just you. That's it. I treat her very well. But I wonder why the audience read that. It's one woman. Okay. One woman said that. And also, by the way, I know why she said that. What? She's negging. It's a bad neg. Yeah. It's like a bad flirt. It's a shitty flirt. So I'm sitting in the audience watching Andrew perform and there was a pretty attractive woman next to me.

And during one of your jokes, people are laughing and she turns to me and she goes, your friend's hot. And you know what I did? I went...

It was just an instinctual, like... Was this a girl that you were with or just a random girl? Some random girl, but I just wanted to... If I could spit out poison... Yeah, you would. You know what I mean? Blind her. If I had to rattle, dude, I would... Right in her neck. You know what I mean? Like a scorpion. Right in the neck, dude. You're very buff, D2N. Oh, fuck off! I love you, Rude. You know what? Let me say this. Oh, here we go. I'll say this.

I love our fans more than anything. I thank them graciously. It means the world to me. People may think that I'm like shut down or cold, but if you know me, you know I'm not. I just have a demeanor that has so much trauma and damage that I just feel a little blank sometimes. So people don't know. I would love to say hi and smile at you, but when I walk around town, maybe I look a little...

And that's because I'm a broken, shattered dude. Yeah. Backstage too, I like to observe other people that aren't familiar with, you know, comics and stuff. And they get a little nervous around you. Only because I'm so kind of stuck. I know, but I see people going...

You know what I mean? It's like, what's going on? Well, because here's the deal. Little boy. You're light. Are you lost? You are a bright, beautiful light. I come in there with joy, dude. And that's what my thing is, dude. I'm pure joy. You are. And mine is- You're positive energy. Mine is comedy from a very, kind of like a very, like planted space. Sure. And you're a more, you are a bright, shiny star. You're like Napoleon. You know what I am? Okay. I am a, you have to dig for me. I'm a gem, but you have to dig for me.

Okay. You got to get down in there. You, you know who you are? Yeah. You're bio, what is that? Bioluminescence. You know that when the ocean glows at night? Yeah. That's you. Thank you. Yeah. And it's a compliment. I'm just saying I'm a gem as well. I just, I'm different. You have to dig for me a little bit. That's what makes us so wonderful. I have another philosophical question for you though. What if we don't have a shovel? And that's the real question. Wow. Yeah. What if we don't have a shovel? You have to use your hands. You have to get creative. No.

No? Yeah, why don't you open up your own hole? I'm not like you. Yeah, open up your own hole. I don't like opening up my hole. So we don't have to dig. I'm not like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to open my hole to everybody like you do. Because some people don't have the time to dig, dude. Well, you know what happens to the people that open their hole all the time to everybody? What? They end up in fucking huge gang bangs. Oh, that's right. And then they're immortalized forever as the gang bang queen. That's right, that's right. So guess what? Yeah. From now on, you, my friend, you're queen bee. My friend? You're the queen bee of this show. Yeah, friend-o? You're the queen bee. Yeah, okay. I'm the dirty gem and you're the queen bee.

- Okay, I'll be the queen bee dude. - That's fine, you are, 'cause you get fucked by thousands of people and you get tired of it. I know you turn to me sometimes after you've opened your hole too much and you say to me, "I don't wanna do it anymore." And I say, "Give the people what they want, bitch." And you do. - I love the way you reversed it. - By the way, we had so many people at the live show that came and asked to see your butthole and/or your penis. But what bothers me is these guys,

It's always these brazen men. Show me your butthole and your penis. And then I say, will you show Bobby your butthole and your penis? Yeah. That's a fair exchange. Exactly. And they get so creeped out. Yeah. As if that's crazy to go. You asked for his butthole.

Show him your butthole. Fair is fair. Am I wrong? So fair. I didn't like it. That guy got weird about it. He was like, that's fucking weird. No, because I think you said, and let him suck it or something. You said something like that. I said, let him kiss it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, let him kiss it. I think that was the part that he was like, oh, no, I don't know, man. I'll tell you. Well, dude. Yeah. Party with us or don't. I felt a little, I will say, I had a moment of,

true vulnerability that I played off for comedy when you kissed that guy in the front row. That was fun. And then he said something else. You said something else about kissing him. And I said, no, now I get to kiss your wife or your girlfriend. Oh, that's right. That's right. Making a joke. She was into it. Why didn't you do it? No, thank you. I don't want to kiss this guy's wife. Yeah. But she was like, yes. And he was like, yeah, she can. I was like, no, no, no, no. I don't. That was a joke. Can I? And they said yes. And no, she didn't. She said no. No, no, no. Oh,

Yeah, yeah. And then I tried to kiss the guy again and he goes, no. No, he didn't want it more than once. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, whoa. He's a true, yeah. Look, I'm cool if we've got some cuck fans. Yeah. I'm down for cuckery. It's what Rudy really wants to have happen in her relationship. You know back in the day when they used to have black and white. She wants a cuck king, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. Black and white fountains. Remember back in the day? You know what I mean? If it was a white fountain, you couldn't drink out of it. What do you mean? Oh, you mean the separation. Back in the 60s. Yeah, segregation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, the colored one is better. No, it's not. It's not, right? No, the white one, you put your penis in the middle of it. Yeah, yeah. But imagine... That's disgusting. It's so disgusting. That's a part of our fucking history. History, dude. They wouldn't share water with black people. That's how fucking crazy... That's how stupid it is. That's crazy shit. Or when they couldn't even sit at the restaurant, like a diner table. Or they had their own section. They wouldn't even be able to go in. Certain ones, yeah, of course. Like some of the jazz documentaries...

We're not going back to the jazz. Please don't go back to the jazz. I have some historical context here. Okay, okay, okay. Some of these jazz bands, right, would go into a town, play a hotel, but they couldn't stay there. No, right. So you know what? Did I say this already? Did I say this already? Where what would happen is, you know, Count Bassey or whatever would go with his band, right? They couldn't stay there, but their wives would go into the black neighborhood while they're on stage and ask the residents to,

The bands in town, can they stay? So then they would coordinate like, yeah, yeah. Little Slim, you know what I mean? And Jackie Eyes can sleep here. You know what I mean? And Frankie the Midget and Trombone Tony can sleep here. You know what I mean? And they would all, you know Trombone Tony. I love him. He's so good. He's got little toes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little toes, Trombone Tony. Yeah, and Squeaky Peak.

Squeaky peak and whatever. And then after the show, the wives would come back and go, we got you a place to stay. That's insane. Yeah, that was a reality. They would sell out. Yeah. That's a green book. The whole movie was about that. Not being able to perform in certain places. Green Mile or Green Book? Green Mile was a totally different movie. Green Book. Green Book won an Academy Award with...

- A catamini? - A catamini award. It wasn't a full-size one. What's his name? Why can't Viggo, I mean, Viggo Mortensen and Mahershala Ali. Do you not, you never saw that movie? Oh my God. You're in your jazz era? He toured the country and Viggo Mortensen was his driver of a black- - Oh no, I haven't seen it. - Do you know it though? - I know it. - Really? You're a movie guy.

It won an Academy Award. There's so many movies though, dude. No, no. This won an Academy Award. Really? You saw every Academy Award movie? I think I've seen every movie that's won an Academy Award. Ordinary People. Yes. Seen it. Name one. There's no Academy Award movie I've never seen. Kramer vs. Kramer.

Yeah, dude. I've seen Kramer vs. fucking Kramer. What's it about? Kramer. Saying the N-word at the laugh-out. What's it about? What is Kramer vs. Kramer about? It's a court case film. About what? About Kramer vs. Kramer. But what is it? Kramer, dude. You never saw it? No, I never saw it. It's a divorce. Yeah, no, I did. It was about a divorce. Yeah. Dustin Hoffman was in it. I have seen it. Did Kramer vs. Kramer get anything? I don't know. I was just making that up. No, but Oppenheimer, yes. Everything, yes. Coda, no. Actually, Coda's the first one I haven't seen on that list. I haven't seen Coda.

Green Book, Parasite, Shape of Water, Moonlight, Birdman, Spotlight, Argo. I've seen all these. 12 Years a Slave, Hurt Locker. King's Speech. I never saw it. I did see the game. I never saw it. No, that was good. No Country, Departed. All these. I've seen all these.

So I watched No Country for Old Men again. That scene in the gas station with that old man is probably the most, it's one of the- He gives me the creeps in a way that no one can do. Call it friendo. Yeah, friendo. But it's also just that the performance of the man that was, you know what I mean? The guy was so good.

If you really look at it, he's- The actor. Yeah. I mean, he's a character actor. I don't know who he is, but it's just so good. And his response. Have you seen this movie? No. You have to. That character right there is insane. Go back real fast. There's one more that I know you and I definitely have never seen is Chicago. I've never seen Chicago. Never saw Chicago. No. Never seen the play or the fucking- Yeah.

English patient, fantastic. Forrest Gump, very good. Great move. So what's the repercussions of you failing your microbiology exam? Well, I have three more exams to go and I have right now like a B minus. Oh, you're fine, dude. A B minus? Yeah. I graduated high school with a C minus. You can, yeah. That's good.

That's not good. Good? Even having a D is okay. I was last in my class. We know. And you're first in our hearts. Thank you. So nothing you're learning you're going to use in your fucking life anyway. I wouldn't say that, totally. Are you a biologist? You're not going to be a biologist. Well, I'm taking fish classes. Yeah, she wants to be a marine biologist, perhaps. Maybe. Yeah, if you said you wanted to work in the water, you definitely need to know that stuff. I thought you should just do animals.

Just be a vet or whatever. You would probably need to pass biology to be a vet. Oh, you do? 100%. Yeah, that's a big deal. You need to know about amoebas? Manscaped! The Chairman Pro. Whoa. Hey, everyone. With the holidays creeping up faster than your aunt's fruitcake recipe, I've got something way better to share with you. That's right. If you want to look sharp for those festive gatherings and maybe finally win that best groomed at the family dinner award, check out Manscaped's latest masterpiece, the Chairman Pro Package.

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Wow, so I wonder what you would need to know, I mean... To be a vet and veterinary? I mean, do you... I'm sorry, I'm dumb, but... I'm dumb. Do you spend, like, doctor eight years in medical school? To be a vet? Yeah. I don't know if it's a full eight. I think it's six, though. Yeah. I think it's six, which is a long fucking time. It's too long. Four year... Okay, so it's... Oh, it is said eight years in total. Typically takes about eight. Wow. Wow.

And then do you make a lot of money? I think vets make good money. Really? Well, I can tell you how much my fucking- That's true. The scan cost when I went to the vet for the emergency vet. Yeah. Did I tell you this? When my dog was puking and shitting blood? No. The average salary for a vet in California is 171- Wow, that's a pretty good thing. Pretty good.

That's very good. Very good. Yeah. I took my dog to the vet and we don't have pet insurance. And it was an emergency because she was throwing up blood and getting blood. And I had the worst panic, man. I was so scared. So sad. Then we go there and they take all these x-rays and stuff. And they're like, you know, this is not covered. And I said, we don't even have insurance. She goes, okay, I just want to let you know. Comes back with the bill.

And it's $1,500. Also on top of that, she goes, some of the staff is a big fan. Can we take pictures of you? Yeah. I was like, my dog just shit blood. At least a discount, no discount. No shit, no discount, no picture discount. Nothing. I was happily taking pictures like, my dog pooping blood and I'm taking photos. Wow. I did the right thing. But I was also like, that's a little weird to ask me to take photos first thing in the morning when my dog is shitting blood and I'm a little worried. And you're like, can we get a picture for the office? I was like,

Sure. Is the blood thing taken care of? She's still shitting fucking blood. Yeah. It was a little weird. You know what my thing is, is whenever I'm in a fucking pet food store, I hate it when there's always old white ladies. They come in and they go, what's the cheapest cat food you got? Dry. Right. And I'm always like, you know what I mean? I'm always like,

That's your fucking family member. Yeah, that's the love of your life. You know what I mean? Well, here's the deal. It's an economic thing for some people, right? So some people can't afford to level up. It's hard. Yeah, but it's just like the cheapest. You don't walk in the cheapest. Well, think about, let's genuinely, let's do this. Yeah. In the scope of America, most people have to buy the cheapest gas, the cheapest groceries. Am I being arrogant? A little bit.

No, not arrogant, but you're being... Am I being... I think you're forgetting. Out of touch with reality here? A little bit. Give my dog nice shit too. Like, I think... Yeah, but you live foolishly. You know, they're not... The gap between cheapest and average isn't that much. I agree. You're talking about a dollar or two, right? I agree with you. I agree. But I'm saying most Americans have to buy...

The cheapest gas, the cheapest food, the cheapest everything to get through their lives. Yeah, but it's just like... We're blessed that you don't have to do it. I don't know, dude, because even when I... In my early 20s, I had two cats. And I went to the pet food store and I got like... I had no money and I still went like, I'm not going to get the cheapest one. I know, you're talking... Because I want them to, you know what I mean, at least survive. I agree, but I think most people don't, can't. I think that's the bummer. They care. They care.

I think some people don't care. I think most people with pets give a fuck about their pets. They love their pets. That's why there's like a, what's that place called? That's near my old house. Just dog, just for dogs, just food for dogs. That shit's so expensive. I walked in there one time and I was like, this is fucking rude.

It was like a two pound bag of food for like 80 bucks. I was like, what the fuck are you feeding? They're like, we hand cut up filet. Yeah, they do. That's crazy. No, it's not crazy. That's crazy. That's what Bobby pays for the dogs. You do that? Yeah. That's so much money. Well, it's my dogs, dude. I know, dude, but that's an inflation. If I go to fucking BLVD, right? Or, you know what I mean? Or Maestro's, right?

I'm going to get my dog. Dude, I got fucking Nobu for my cats. That's fucking insane. Right? And they didn't like it. So I'm like, oh, I guess this isn't going to be a thing. You got the fanciest sushi in LA for your cat? Yeah, I cut up the salmon too and all that stuff, like really thinly. I go, maybe that'll work. I put gravy on it. They don't like it. Crazy. No, it's not crazy. No, no, it's crazy. It's funny, but it's insane. Well, I guess it's, you know, here's, and I'm going to cause a little controversy out here. I might as well put my foot down. Okay? And maybe...

Some people, and I was going to say white people, but I'm not going to say that. I don't want to generalize, right? No, go ahead and do it. Yeah, they view their animals as, you know, a lower family member. Not true. Yeah. Don't generalize whites because I don't do that and he doesn't do that. You know, but it's like... Don't do that to whites. Just people. How about this then? You want to take it there? That's why I brought it up, dude. Let's take it there. No, let's take it there. Let's take it there.

Let's generalize. Asians. Asians. If you're going to do cat, we eat them? Time out. Don't go eat them. We don't eat them. Really?

I don't eat them. Then don't generalize all whites. Not in this America. Maybe in some fucking remote village in Taipei. Well, you're talking about a global population here, buddy. Do Asians eat animals? Oh, I know you're going to do this again with the fucking slave, the Korean slave thing. No. That's what you're trying to do. Get a moment. Rudy, do people still eat dogs in the Philippines? We have talked about this before. In like rural.

Rural. Rural. Thank you. And yet it happens. But we're still in that three-year grace period where it's legal to eat. In South Korea, they still haven't passed that bill. But we did pass it. Congratulations. 2024. In three fucking years. Hey, buddy, I'll double down on you then. Give it to me. What about squirrels?

Yeah, some whites eat squirrels. Yeah, and snakes and shit. How about this? Yeah, yeah. Then you get fucking... Have you even attempted to pass this fucking law to not eat squirrels? Those cute little critters from the tree. They're delicious. Aren't tree friends? They're delicious. You've never had one? Would you eat a squirrel? I think I would. 100%. They're so good. Look at them right there. Ooh, is that a filet? Oh my God, look at them. It's all dark meat. Yeah. It's so good. It's so good. Oh my God. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Look at that.

What I'm saying is that I don't know why you went from me spending a little bit more money for my cats to us eating dogs. You did it. I don't know how it went from there to there. Look, you can't generalize and say all whites. I took it back already. Thank you. I'll take mine back too then. Yeah. But Asians still eat dogs. Yeah. And you guys eat squirrels. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. But I know there's no people that have pets as squirrels. Oh, there are. Who has a squirrel? Go to Dodo. Go to Dodo? Yeah. Where's that? YouTube. YouTube.

And he has a squirrel. No, no. There's a lot of squirrel friends that the people have. In their home. In their home. No, they keep them outside and they feed them every day. In the home, dude. There we go. That's a guy chilling on a kitchen table, dude. Look at that guy. Look at that, dude. Look how fat he is, too. That looks like lunch to me. I know. What? Do they feed them like fancy nuts? They might.

Yeah, but that- Like Erewhon nuts? Yeah, but there's a difference between like, you know, airplane nuts, right? And going to like a, you know, going to Erewhon or something and getting like organic nuts, unsalted, you know what I mean? Right? I guess. That's what I would do. I would assume that golfers come from the same farm and some of them are just packaged for Erewhon.

Okay, okay. I don't know how they're packaged. I don't know what the farm... Well, you know what? That's it. Then we need to do Bad Friends Visits a Farm. We need to go visit a farm so we can find out... But my point, though, being is, boom, there's another one chilling watching fucking reality TV on a couch, dude. Probably, you know, 90 Day Fiancé. Look at the fucking... Look at them chilling. He's watching Love is Blind. Yeah, Love is Blind. Chilling there. He's so fat. I know. They're so cute. They are so cute. I know. No, look. Okay, let's get back to the original thing. Let's go back to...

I value my pet. The first person I kiss in my home when I walk. I know you do because I know that you spent $1,500. But there's a lot of people that are like, how much is it going to cost? Well, some people can't afford it. I'm lucky that I could afford it. Well, you know. I'm lucky. I'm lucky. I'm lucky that I'm able to do that. Carlos's dog goes to the vet and it costs him two grand or something like that. He's in some shit. He's calling us. Would you pay it? Yeah, of course. He would.

There we go. But he's scared. Yeah, that's... I'm not saying the feeling behind it. Yeah, it's going to be a hit and it's going to be a bummer, but I'm just saying it's like... But you're right. Well, it depends on what the... Okay, here's one, all right? When you guys...

When you guys... The grapes? Yeah, the grapes. I got a call like, oh, yeah, all the dogs are in the vet, right? And you got to help with the money, right? Because they all ate grapes? Yeah, so I go, they ate fucking grapes like Roman emperors? What the fuck are you talking about? Right? And then nothing happened, but you guys, we had to spend thousands of dollars. What? Yeah, exactly. So what was that all about? The vet said that they were going to die. But why? Are you freaking...

The fucking dogs are the fucking vet. It's the first place. Called first. And they said, yeah, take them. You did one grape. Yeah, yeah. I know. Amongst four dogs, they ate three grapes. And I get this call, like, it's going to cost all this money. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? So in that case, yes. I'd be like, ah, grapes, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. A bar of chocolate, I would be like, let's just see. Take it.

hour by hour. Can dogs not eat grapes? I don't think it was grapes. What was it? Grapes. The number of grapes can be lethal to a dog depends on the dog's weight, but the general rule of thumb is that one grape per 10 pounds of body weight is potentially dangerous. Why? Grapes and raisins cause acute kidney failure in dogs. What?

I mean, my dog doesn't eat grapes. Now you know. That's crazy. I don't know. Now you know. I'm glad I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, why do you have fucking just free grapes laying on the ground? Because we were taking care of a crow. So we were feeding him grapes. Oh, that's right. The crow. Of course. Do you know what they did for me? I hope they got you a crow. No. Oh, my God. I feel so bad about that. I haven't talked about this. About the little bird. I'm in the backyard with Gunnar. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, I know. No, you don't. And I look and there's a bird, a baby bird had fallen from the tree. Right? And I look at Gunnar and Gunnar's just, you know what I mean? And I'm like, he's not gonna. And he goes up and just breaks his neck with his fucking jaw. Right? And then I fucking grab Gunnar, bring him in the house. And now the fucking, you know what I mean? It's like the little bird's going...

It was fucking insane, dude. Right? It was making these, right? And I call them. They come over. And then I go, you got to keep this bird alive.

No, you go, right? Yeah. Please. His head is off. No, it was just like, and they came over, it died, right? It died three days after. Three days is pretty good though. Yeah, but I tried everything. I tried everything. We love our friends in the sky. That's my point. We love the friends in the sky. You should have taken them out. Three days of suffering. Yeah, you could have thrown them off the hill. You drown them. What? Yeah, you drown them. I'm sorry. You drown them.

Excuse me? You drown him. You take that bird, you go to your pool and you drown him. Don't. What? Are you serious? No, I'm kidding. That's insane. You would do that? No, but my dog. That's insane. My dog has come back with different rodency things or whatever. And I do. But you got it. You got to get rid of it. Because it's suffering. It's crazy. It's awful when dogs do this. It's a bummer. But when they're living, just those three days of the bird is like, fucking kill me.

- They fucking kill me. - Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know birds, so I don't know. - I have a few- - By newborn, what? - I do. I mean, I went to college with four or five of them. - Yeah, yeah. - I still talk to one of them. - If there was like a 5% chance that he, it was just like, you know, a sprained neck or whatever, right? That's who I called. Because the worst would be like, I'll just leave it there. - Yeah. - And then day three, I go back there and he's still,

You know what I mean? That would have been bad. That's true. What if he was paralyzed after that? You guys... Little bird wheelchair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little bird wheelchair. You know, it's so funny, Andreas. You're trying to make fun of me. Like, I have empathy for the little creatures in the world. You know what movie makes me really sad? What part? In Raising Arizona. When... One of my favorite movies of all time. Me too. And when that, you know, the bad biker. Yes. Right? And he shoots that lizard. Mm-hmm.

I don't know why, even as a young man, I went, oh. You know what else it is? That actor, that guy, he's so good and you believe how he's so mean in his heart. And the music is so powerful. God, that movie was good. If you haven't seen that movie. Couldn't recommend it more. It's because it's- Coen Brothers' finest. It does two things, okay? In the same year they did this, there's two movies that are my favorite movies, is this and also Evil Dead 2. Those two movies-

Or just masterpieces. But... 89? 88. Yeah, this movie is so fucking good. And the beauty, her name is Ed, is one of the funniest things on earth. Yeah. He falls in love with a woman. Dude, Holly Hunter kills that movie. Because Ed is such a beautiful, like, guy, guy's name. Look at Nicolas Cage, how young. Do you know the concept of this movie? They can't have a child, and so they decide they're going to steal someone's baby who's an embarrassment of riches. Yeah, yeah. It's fucking great. It's a comedy, though.

Especially when Nicolas Cage goes up with the ladder into the fucking baby's room. And Nathan Arizona's house? Yeah, Nathan Arizona's house. And there's that five minute montage of him trying to handle the baby. Yeah. It's so cleverly done. It's so cute. It's so good. It's such a good scene. There's another scene where he runs into his bedroom, right? Because he has to... I forget what he has to do. And he sees a Playboy magazine on his bed. And he puts it underneath the thing. And then he walks away and then he comes back and looks at the Playboy and then brings it back in there. Then puts it back in there.

Because he needs one more look. It's like those little things that makes that movie so special. That's such a great movie. You got to watch that. Okay. But you should be studying for your test before you watch another movie. Yeah. So can we get you through school first? Yeah. Yeah, please. Because I don't want you to fail after all the work you put in.

When you think about it, she started this show as a senior in high school. I can't believe it. And now you're graduating college. That's so incredible. It really makes me sad. It makes me sad too. Because we're closer to death. That's all that you and I are doing. Oh my, you really think of that? We're crawling towards death. There's death. Hey, we're on our way. Yeah. And she's about to just grow into a fun adult life of fun and freedom. But you know who my fucking guy is I look at to make me feel more like? He's like sort of my, if he dies, I'm fucked.

Because he's a little ahead of me. In the comedy scene? Yeah, yeah. He's a little ahead of me. I see him all the time. Marin? No. And I look at him. No, it's like, no. Smaller. Smaller. Tinier person? Than Marin, yeah. Brad Williams? No. In between. Think in between. Cold? Cold hot? Also, I'm older than Brad. It's a guy that's older than me. No, no, you're not.

- I am. - No, little people are a thousand years old. He's been living forever. He's lived seven lifetimes. - Yeah. - We have no idea how old they are. You have to cut them in half and count their rings. - Yesterday I saw Brad and I said a couple of things, some dwarf jokes in the green room.

And I don't think it went over well in the room. He's our boy. I go, I just walked into the restaurant. I go, how's the carnival? I don't know why I said that. And then I, for some reason, everyone was in there. I go, oh, they love candy corn. I don't even know if that's a fact. They do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my point is. I always keep a pocket. It's David Spade. Oh, Spade. So when I see Spade, because he's like five years older than me. And he looks good. He does. So I just go, oh, he looks good. So I'm going to worry when he doesn't look good. Well, here's the problem. This isn't apples to apples.

Do you know what I mean? Don't do this. It's like, this is a zucchini to pair. Don't do this right. No, because. Don't do this right. Well, he takes care of himself a little bit. He exercises. I went hiking yesterday for so long. No fucking way. Yeah. So long. With whom? By myself. In the dark. Where? In the dark? Yeah, the one by our house. No proof. And this time, you know where I go? No proof. There's a marker that I have. You know, there's a first bench on that. Yeah. Now we go double that.

Can I ask you something? Yeah. It's so scary. Can I recommend something as a friend? Please don't hike in the dark. If you fall or slip or something bad happens, who the fuck is going to get you? That's the thing I want. Oh, you want to go? Yeah, yeah. I'd rather you not. Yeah. The only thing that I'm worried about is bobcats. Yeah, dude. You know what I mean? Weird people. Or, yeah, what about weirdos? What about some guy that's waiting to fucking kill you? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, please don't hike at night. Why? There's people, families at night. I see them with the flashlights. I've seen Alpha Dog. I know what happens when you hike at night. You end up in a pit. Great movie. Wow. Please don't hike at night. Okay. I'm concerned for your well-being. But do you want to hike during the day with me? I would love to go hiking. I'd love to. There's a hiking hill right by our houses. That's the one I went to last night. Well, let's go. I kind of want to do it solo because I'll tell you why. Can I tell you why? Can I tell you why though?

Can I tell you why? Yes! It's pace. Oh. You know what I mean? I understand. Yeah, I put my hands behind my back like an old Korean man. I do that. And I kind of mosey up there with music. Shuffle would be the word. I shuffle up there with music. Yeah. And I go as long as I can and I come back down. I appreciate that. I respect that. I would love to hike with you, but I totally understand that. That's fine.

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- You know what? There's an old saying, and it's from a sitcom. There's an old saying, it's from a sitcom, it's called "Different Strokes." You know what I mean? What you talking about? - Willis. - Willis. - Right. - What you talking about, Willis? Right? - Yeah. - That's what I wanna say to you, dude. That was the wrong sitcom line. - It really was, yeah, honestly. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was trying to, yeah. - You know what? I got it, Bob, I got you. There is an old sitcom line that you should, that speaks exactly to you about what we're talking about. - Dynamite.

No, no, definitely not. No, that's not it. No, there is an old one that I got to tell you. It's perfect for this to fucking teach you about what this world. Give it to her, dude. Did I do that? Perfect. Wait, what? What sitcom is that? Family Matters. That's fucking that's that's

That's Steve Urkel. That's one of his catchphrases? Did I do that? I don't know if that is. What? Are you insane? Did I do that? Did I do that? Is that what you've heard of that? Yeah. Okay. Where did you fucking grow up? You don't know did I do that? I never saw that one. Steve Urkel. Even I know that. Yeah, even the Spaniard fucking knows it. You're not the Googler. I believe you. But you made me think that I'm wrong.

- Did I do that? ♪ Did I do that ♪ - I've met him a couple times. - Jaleel White. - I like him a lot. He's a sweet kid. - I've heard he's great. - He's a nice guy. ♪ Did I do that ♪ - Yeah, he would break something. - Oh, I see, I remember now. - It was fantastic. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There he is, yeah. - By the way, this is a character that I'm sure in this day and age, they would be like, "It just feels like we're targeting a type of person." Right, if you wrote that character on a TV show, they'd be like, "I don't know if we can do that." - There's no way. - Isn't that fucking wild?

You know who used to call me at three in the morning randomly back in the day when I lived on Beachwood? Before I met Kalilah? Ron Jeremy. No, it's a sitcom guy. You're not going to believe it. Hold on, hold on. And he always asks me, Hey man, I'm in town. What you doing? I'm sleeping. By the sound of it. Hey man. Hey, it's me. Yeah. Hold on. Hey. Yeah. Let me do it together. Yeah, too mad about Gary Coleman.

He passed away. I'm the only one left. Well, it's got to be a small black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it, bud. Go toward the light.

Emmanuel Lewis. Yes. Got it. Webster. Yes. Webster. I could, this dude, it's so funny. I saw him. He used to call you at three in the morning. Hey man. Hey, it's me. What you doing? It's like, he would go, yeah, he'd go meet me at, meet me at Fred 62s. I love that cafe. Yeah. And I'd be like, no dude. Why not? Never hung out with him once. Like I read this thing. This was fucking insane. Like,

It's supposed to, it really does. Dude, you should try this. This is a trick. I know, I know, I know. No, no, this is a trick I'm trying to do is this. When you wake up in the morning, instead of brushing your teeth with your right hand, do it with your left. And then when you get in the shower, instead of doing your normal shower routine, like what's the first thing you wash in the shower?

My back. Right. So instead of doing your back, do your feet first and then do your face and like switch up the aura. Why are you laughing at back? That's just weird. No, it's not. That's not. You're fucking weird. What are you doing? Don't you go head first? No, everybody does it different. Head is last. No. What?

Heads last. I actually agree. I do head and face last. Yeah, yeah. No, here's my order. I do my butthole for about 20 minutes. I'll literally tell you my order, okay? So I'll take... We've already established that that plastic thing I have is a cloth. We already established that on this podcast. Sure. Right. So I pull that out, right? I put two different body... Body wash. Wash on it. Right. From two different brands. One of them probably like...

something that's like an ax, some bad bullshit one, but then I'll put an organic, like fancy one. - So you'll feed your dogs high-end food, but you're using ax on your body? - No, I put ax, but then I put a high-end one that I got at a boutique place. - Ooh. - Yeah, so I'll combo it up. - Upstairs, downstairs. - Yeah, then I put it in a sud. Then I do it back first. Back, back, arms, arms, chest, right? Then in between the sacs, scrub hard. - What do you mean sacs? This is singular. You have more than one sac? - You know what, the sac.

I have two sacks. I have two sacks, right? Legs. And then what I do is rinse. Yeah. And then I do face with my face wash. Right. And then I do hair and then I'm done. I get that. What do you do? I first get in there and I lube up the loofah. I've got my nice little loofah. How do you get your back with a loofah? What do you mean? It's on a stick. Oh. You don't have a loofah stick? No. Oh, it's fantastic. Yeah. It's actually my favorite because after you're done loofahing, you can flip the stick around and...

Foot it right up your ass. Yeah. Love. You don't do that? You don't do a little rabbit tail? With a loofah stick though because I got one on the road. You can't get the real like with the fucking one I have you can really grind out your back. I don't need to. Rub it deep into the back. I don't know if I need to. Okay. Because I get a massage for that.

No, it's just a deep skin. It has to do with the muscles. But this skin is never exposed to almost anything on your back. You don't really need to exfoliate your back. Oh, that's true. That's true. What's exposed? So I do the loofah. I do sand angels on the beach. I get the loofah ready and I do chest, neck, and back first. Great combo. Pitsy, pitsy. Pitsy, pitsy. Yeah. Then I go down to legs and feetsies. Yeah. And then I put the loofah down and I...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get a lot. I love a lot. Yeah. And I slap it. Boom. Right in my pepito. And I. And then I get underneath to my nifkin and my butthole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I really work this area. I really clean my butthole, my wiener. Uh-huh.

- I'm just gonna see how much you do. - Yeah. - Okay, that's a lot. - That's a lot. And then finally I finished with the top half with face and hair. - Yeah, Jules? - That's the last. - I just do hair, shampoo, conditioner, and then body, and then face, and then brush my teeth, and then that's it. - Oh, actually, you know what? I lied. The very first thing I do is brush my teeth in the shower. You brush your teeth in the shower? - Yeah. - Yeah, me too. - I don't do any of that. - You've never brushed your teeth? - No. - Let me see.

Looks fine. Yeah. Let's get a hands. Who brushed their teeth in the shower? Oh, wow. Not me. See, some people don't like it. I don't like it. It's perfect. I'm already there. It's like, you know, let me say, honestly, it's like playing basketball on ice. How? It just doesn't belong there.

But you pee in the shower. No, no. I pee. I don't care. Stop, stop, stop. Yeah, yeah. I pee in the shower too. He poops in the shower. I don't poo in the shower. That's insane. We did a whole episode about it. You smushed the poop down the drain. You talked about it. Yeah. One time. Okay. One fucking time. Too many times. One time. One time too many times. Yeah, yeah. Okay. No. One time too many times. One time. I did it a month ago. You've done it more than once. You pooed in the shower? Yeah, I had to go. Exactly. That's a good one. Yeah, there you go.

- Yeah. - Well, you've done it often? - Yeah, I'm not, I don't shame Carlos for doing that. I get it. - No, you should. - Okay. - You do not poop in the shower. Do not poop in the shower. - You do what you need to do. - Thank you, thank you. - 'Cause then the water, it's gonna, you're gonna, mm. - Okay, because I need a mirror when I brush my teeth. - What are you looking at?

You have to date. I have my phone. I have my phone. I just don't, I feel like it doesn't belong there. I get this. People say this, but I think it does because it's the first thing I like to do. It's warm. The water on your back is so warm and you're brushing under the warmth. It's just, it's a perfect combination. It just seems like you're doing your taxes in the water. It doesn't make any sense.

Like you're with a calculator, abacus, whatever you use. So hygienically, you're cleaning your body and then also cleaning your mouth doesn't belong in the cleaning. Maybe you're right. But I don't, I just can't, I wouldn't ever do it. I think you should, will you try it? Okay. Please. I'd like, unfortunately, I want to know how Andres does his, but I know it's going to be fucking really weird and annoying. How do you do your shower?

It's like north to south. You start up top and go down? Yep. Always? Always. All right, so everybody... Okay, Carlos, what's your shower routine? I get it. It's a lot like Rudy's, actually. Well, you like baths, right? Because you like to have the water on your clit.

I do like baths actually. I love baths. Me too. Who doesn't? They're fucking amazing. But he lets the water rush on his little clit. Yeah. In terms of baths, what you got me for my birthday. Was it bad? No, it's not that bad. It's just like, I don't know what the point is. Bath salts? No, it was flowers. Like full blown petals. Oh no, it's actually the aromatics. It's good for you. Really? It's supposed to calm you down. Yeah, it's really good. But then I gotta pick all the shit up. You have someone clean your fucking house for you. You don't do that. She's right there.

She gave herself garbage. When's the last time you cleaned my house? Months. Months. Yeah. Get back to it. It's too much. It's too much. Is it? I got a new person. You did? Yeah. One person or more than one? It's a cabal of Hispanics. It's a cabal? A cabal of Hispanics. Wow. Just one pickup truck, 35 Hispanics. And they're amazing. Yeah? Yeah. Where did you find these people?

- Through my friend, why? - 'Cause what if I need somebody? - It's through Gilbert, Gilbert, she's great. - Okay. - Yeah, yeah. - I have a woman that I'm dearly, dearly in love with. - Well then why'd you ask me? - In case she doesn't wanna do it anymore. What if she stops one day? - Yeah. - Dude, this woman is so fucking beautiful and nice.

She really, I'm not, I'm not, I'm actually not even making a comedy joke right now. Yeah. She's such a fucking lovely person. Her heart is so beautiful. She walks in the door and sits and plays with the dog before she's like, my friend, my friend. And she'll like sing to the dog and sit and play with the dog. It like makes my soul so happy when I see her and she's always in a good mood. And I've told her multiple times, I've said, you know, if you want me to get you food or you want to eat or whatever, anything in the house you can have.

Always. Anything. I've never seen her eat. I've never seen her drink water. She's never gone to the bathroom. Never. I'm always like, you know, you can have any of the food in the fridge. You can do anything you want. She's like, no.

- Okay. - No, it's okay. - But do you do the Bobby Lee test of deception? - I leave money all over the place. - That's what I do. - Yeah, I leave thousands and thousands of dollars. - I do the Bobby Lee test of deception. And what I do is I leave random money, tens, 20s, sometimes 100s in places to see if they take. And they never take. - They never take. - That's the test. 'Cause if they take, I fire. - You kill.

You don't care. But do you do that? Well, I went to a jewelry store. I got a bunch of loose diamonds. That's what you have to do. And I'll just put diamonds all over. That's insane. No, but she's so, it's like, she's so honest. If she did take from me, I don't care.

She's such a good person if she was like, if I caught her and she was like, ah, I steal this. I'd be like, okay. Well, I guess if you're cleaning and you saw like a random dollar bill, you would in your head go, oh, that's a test of deception. Yeah, yeah. Right? I passed this test recently, I'm proud to say. What happened? I was at Mercedes and there was a $5 bill on the bench.

And I just took a picture of it and I didn't take it. Okay, this is not the same scenario. You're an idiot. You should have taken the $5 bill. Really? What the fuck? In the wild, yes. In the wild is fine. In the wild, yes. Money in the wild? I thought I was being filmed or something. For what? Streamer, playing streamer. Oh yeah, sometimes they do that, right? I know, but what would be the... You picked up a random... Was there anybody around you? No one. That's your money. I left. Okay, have you seen these?

Carlos, have you seen these? Okay. Where they like, they'll have like a little girl like on a bench. Oh yeah. Okay. So they're tests of trust. I hate that. Right. Where it's like, you know, like a woman will be sitting there. Right. Who's like a, you know, a plant. Right. And then some guy will hit on her. Right. And some strangers. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm so grateful I'm not in that. Yeah. Because I don't think, I don't know, I think I would fail. You'd walk away. I would just be like, oh, that's weird. You know what I mean? I'd walk away. Or if a little girl comes in, excuse me, sir, I don't have anyone. And I'd be like, oh, you do him when you walk in? Get the fuck away from me. Yeah, they catch me doing that. I'm fucked, dude. Yeah, you're done. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, those tests. What would you do? That's the name of the show. Yeah.

- It's called John Quinones, What Would You Do, right? Isn't that what it's called? What Would You Do? - Yeah, What Would You Do? - If I saw that, yeah, that's what it's called. What Would You Do? - Yeah, that's what it is. - Literally the show we're talking about. - What Would You Do? - Honestly, I'm so aloof in public. - Me too. - I'm probably just walking by. - Yeah, I don't know. - I'm not gonna stay there and take care of it. - Is there anything that you, a punk that you did that was like, that aired that went crazy?

Is there a punk that I did that went... I mean, you mean like it did well? Yeah, but that was like they were mad, like super mad. I mean, no, I don't think there was anything that we did that... Like everything that aired kind of went... I will say... Oh, there were... No, that's not true. There's so many lives you've lived. There's one that we did in the hills and I don't remember who it was. And it was a bad idea. I don't remember the girl. I don't remember. We were in the hills and...

I was pretending like I was lost and they were house sitting. And I pretended like I was a guy who was just like lost in the hills and my car died. And somehow we figured out a way to get me inside of the home. And this woman thought she was like trapped with the hitchhike killer or something like that. Oh, wow. It was fucked. It was such a bad bit. It was so stupid and so overblown. This woman was on the phone with her mother like just bawling, crying. And they never aired that either. No, did not. I don't think we aired that one. No, no, no.

No, no. No, I mean the Arab ones are, you know, like Efron hitting an old woman. We hit an old woman with a car, a stunt woman. Oh, you knew Zac Efron then? That's the first time I met him. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that was the first time I met that guy. Anyway. Deep Hollywood connections. Well, first of all, I was a kid. I was an actor on Punk that no one

And people still didn't know that I did that. - I remember you then. - And I got paid like fucking $40. - Yeah, but I was remembering this guy's on the rise. - You know what's so funny? Here I am shooting Punk'd. No, no, listen how funny this is. Here I am shooting Punk'd, shooting a TV show, writing it and being an actor in it, working at the studio, and I was worried about rent every month. - That's insane. - I was so worried. There was a month that I almost didn't pay rent because I got paid so little money from the show. - 'Cause you make a week.

It wasn't a week. It was an episode. You got paid an episode. How much did you get an episode? I think it was $1,500 or something like that, an episode. Yeah, but then with taxes and all that stuff. Yeah, I had to pay my agent, my lawyer. Yeah, $700. Yeah, 800 bucks, 700 bucks. And how many episodes did you do a month? Oh, no, it was not a month. In total, we only did 10 or 11. I don't even know what we did. And that was your only income? I was forced to work for the studio full-time. I got put in that system and I was working for the studio.

Yeah, like I was writing for them and all that stuff and I was, yeah. You got ripped off. Yeah, we got cooked. Those guys were making millions of dollars. We were fucking, I mean, that's Hollywood. That's what they do. My mad TV was $4,500 a week. That's great. Yeah. That's really good money. But you only got four the first year. What do you mean? Oh, only got four episodes. And then you can't do anything else. Yeah, and they hold you. So then you're like, what am I going to do?

- It's weird to be on TV and people from home being like, dude, you're on TV. And you're like, I can't pay rent. - I can't do anything. - It's fucked. The business is fucked. That's why you- - You're still eating at Arby's and like- - Arby's?

What are you, rich? I know, I know. I was eating- Exactly. Maybe out of the trash can behind the Arby's. Yeah, we were at the comedy store. Have you guys got any beef you're throwing away? Beans aren't touched, it's pretty ugly. Yeah. But now at the comedy store, they're like, dude, congratulations. You're like, yeah, I'm making less money than I- Than I was before. Before. Oh, dude, are you kidding me? Free meals at comedy clubs? Oh my God. When they were like, when I would go and play those clubs, I'd be like-

Hey, can we get lunch and dinner here? Yeah. And they were like, what? Why? I'm like, pay for food. But I played it right. I remember the first year I went, I got on it with, I don't know if I say, I can't say her name, but a Hispanic girl. We all know her, I think. Right. And so there was like a couple of weeks where,

We weren't in anything. Didn't make a sketch. Not a single sketch. Right. Right. And all the white new dudes, people were getting everything. White new dudes. Yeah. And then, so I remember her coming into my dressing room crying. She goes, this is fucked up. I go, what is it? She's like, well, I mean, you're Asian, I'm Hispanic and we're not going to hate it. Right. I'm going to go to the president.

- Of Fox? - No, of the show, the guy that owns the show. - Oh, right. - Who's like this old Hollywood mogul, right? I can say his name, he's a great guy, David Salzman. - Okay. - He did Dallas and Judge Judy. I mean, this is an old guy, right?

And I grabbed her by the wrist. I go, please don't. And I go, and if you do, leave my name out of it. We will be fired. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, no, I'm making a stink. This is bullshit. She goes, knocks on his door and just went into a cry fast. Right? Two weeks later, I never saw her again. You got fired. Yeah. That's what happens. And I was in nothing. And I just...

My fingers on the fucking dressing room wall. Yeah. Just hanging. Bobby? Yes. They're taking my ankle trying to get me out. I'm like, I'm not leaving. Right. And that's, I think that was the right move. It took years for me to get anything really legitimate.

But I just, I could barely made every, you know what I mean? But you didn't get fired. You got to play it smart. You didn't get fired. Yeah. And you got, you got to play it smart. Yeah. Something that you don't, you, she doesn't have to with her generation. She can do whatever she wants. Can I tell you another story about it? I have to tell you this. So I am not going to name any names, but I, um, there was another female comic from the store, right? That was going to test for mad TV. Whitney. No, I can't tell you. Okay. Right. Right.

And so we were, I remember seeing her and I go, oh, so are you nervous about the test? Yeah. And she goes, I ain't doing it. And I go, why? She goes, I need 10 grand. To test? I need 10 grand. Because, you know, you negotiate. Yeah, I know. Was she famous already? No. Oh. She was just the same comic guy I was. Sure. Nobody. Right. And I go, you're asking for 10,000 an episode? Because the initial thing is 4,500, right? And she goes, yeah. Yeah.

And I go, oh, I'm testing. I don't care. They could give me peanuts. I'm fucking testing. Air one peanuts though. Right. Yeah. And then so five years after that, I was at a restaurant.

She served you. Yeah. And you know what she said to me? She goes, I should have taken the 4,500. Oh my God, that hurts my heart. And I swear to God, and I was like, my heart cracked. You stiffed her on the tip. I go, yeah, but hey dude, can I get the fucking ketchup? You know what I mean? You guys have hot sauce? I asked you for the hot sauce. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, that's awful. And she never worked again. Never saw her again. My God. She should have taken it. Yeah. She would have killed it on that show. Oh, God.

We need to figure out a way to have Rudy get her act together so we don't have a failure on our hands. Oh, that's the- That's a lesson that needs to happen today. Did you hear the lessons today? Yeah. I'm scared. No, no. You don't have to be scared. You have to make the right decision. No, you should be scared. But how do you know that you're making the right decisions? Fuck, that's a good question. That is a very good question. I actually don't know. Well, I mean, the opportunities that you get-

- Seize them. - You seize them. You don't go against them.

Because I really honestly believe that one day, and don't give me that face. Don't give him that face. Yeah, one day you're going to look back at certain times in your life. You're going to go, oh, I didn't see it for what it was. And say that to all of our fans too. Sometimes it's like, if it's right there in front of you, the worst that can happen is that it just doesn't work the way you think, but you got to keep trying it. Like for instance, if you, if Seven Equis wanted to do a podcast with you individually and you know what I mean? And they go, you want to try it?

I think your instinct would be, no, I don't want to do it. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Well then don't, but I think you'd regret it. Because the iron's hot now. Right. It won't be 10 years from now. If you try it and it doesn't work, all that happened was it didn't work. It doesn't matter. You don't lose. It just didn't work. Because in this moment in your life, you can make as much money as you can. And then later, you'll have a little savings or whatever. But-

I honestly believe that life is hard and it's hard out there to make a living. And we've seen people struggle. And it's like, I feel like I've, and me and Andrew both have made

that were like at the end of the day, you know, beneficial. Well, and I made some failures. I did a lot of failures. Me too, me too. I mean, most of the things I did was not a failure. Most of the things I did didn't work out the way I thought they might've worked out. Bad sitcoms, bad scripts and testing and it doesn't work. It just didn't work. And then you go, go, go until it works, but not seizing the opportunity is tough and we want you to win.

All we care about is you winning. I think I am more open, though. I know you are. I think you've grown so much on this show. It is crazy. So much. Well, end the show. Tell them goodbye. Thank you for being a bad friend. Fantastic.